Text from my initial

WP submission:
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea, move,
punctuation, piece of
evidence, etc.)

By analyzing the
conventions of these
magazine covers and
identifying patterns
with content,
structure, and style,
we can gain a better
understanding of the
rhetoric behind them
to avoid being
mislead or spun

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I made to

what I initially wrote: (ie,
the change[s] I made to
column 1)

How this change

impacts my paper:

What magazines?
Remember: the intro
and your thesis
statement are there to
key your reader in on
what you're arguing
and what you're
basing that on...Who

By analyzing the
conventions of Thrasher
Magazine, Surfer
Magazine, and Sports
Illustrated covers and
identifying patterns with
content, structure, and
style, the reader can gain
a better understanding of
the rhetoric behind them
to avoid being mislead
or spun.

Including the specific

names of the magazines
lets the reader know
what magazines Ill be
talking about in my
essay. In addition,
replacing we with the
reader identifies who
Im referring to in order
to make my thesis clear.

According to Laura
Carroll in Backpacks Vs.
Briefcases, Few of us are
persuaded only with our
mind, though...Even if we
intellectually agree with
something, it is difficult to
get us to act unless we are
also persuaded with our
heart. This kind of appeal
to emotion is called
pathos.. The use of pathos
in the cover photo plays a
key role in drawing in the
reader. Its attractive and
looks very appealing to its
intended audience.

Referencing the reading

here makes my pathos
analysis credible and
proves to the reader how
pathos is effective. The
commentary after the
quote clarifies my
argument and allows the
reader to understand how
it works in the context of
the magazine cover.

is we here?

This use of pathos

Opportunity to
plays a key role in
incorporate the
drawing in the reader. readings?

The next magazine to JB, this doesn't really

key me in on what the
compare is Surfer
magazine.
paragraph is going to
"be about." Find out
what the main
point/focus of this
paragraph is, then lay
that out in the topic
sentence.

Similar to Thrasher,
Surfer magazine
possesses many of the
same structural and
stylistic conventions as
other sports magazines.

Including a transitional
phrase creates flow from
the previous paragraph to
this one. Furthermore,
stating that Surfer
Magazine possesses many
of the same structural and
stylistic conventions as
other sports magazines tells
the reader, generally, what
this paragraph is going to
talk about. It helps the
reader understand my flow
of ideas clearly too.

From reading a
catchy phrase or
seeing which surfers
are featured, the
reader is interested in
reading the magazine
and seeing whats
inside.

Careful. You can't

assume this -- at least
not before you spell
out the specific
audience for this
publication and what
their
expectations/hope for
it are/might be.

From reading a catchy

phrase or seeing which
surfers are featured, the
reader is likely to be
interested in reading the
magazine and seeing
whats inside.

Because I hadnt talked

about who the specific
audience is yet, using
hedged language here
makes my statement
valid. Instead of making
a definite statement, this
leaves room for error
allowing the likely
interested readers to be
the audience who is not
yet specified.

Surfer Magazine has

a theme to every
months edition, too,
which provides the
reader with
something new and
interesting to read
about every month.
This is a tool they use
in order to draw more
consumers in, and
keep their magazines
fresh and exciting.

Nice follow-up
analysis. However,
although you do have
solid descriptive
evidence in here,
make sure you
include direct textual
evidence/support too
-- that's what really
wins readers over.

Surfer Magazine has a

theme to every months
edition, too, which
provides the reader with
something new and
interesting to read about
every month. The May,
2011 edition of Surfer
Magazines cover reads
Deserted Surf
Destinations, which tells
the reader that the theme is
empty, deserted waves all
around the world. This is a
tool they use in order to
draw more consumers in,
and keep their magazines
fresh and exciting.

Here, I moved the direct

evidence, that I
originally had below my
initial two sentences, to
in between them. This
presents the reader with
evidence before
explaining the tool in
order to make my flow of
ideas clearer. It
furthermore supports my
claim and adds
credibility to my
argument.

All three of these

popular sports
magazines have many
features in common,
but also differ in
certain aspects.

Tell me -- remember,
these topic sentences
are critical b/c they
tell your reader:
alright, dude, here's
what's coming up in
this paragraph. That's
what helps them stay
tuned and focus in on
your major point(s).

All three of these

popular sports
magazines have many
features in common, but
also differ in aspects
such as audience and
style.

Adding in such as
audience and style
makes my topic sentence
more clear and function
properly. In this
paragraph, I discuss the
magazines differences in
audience and style, so
including that in my
topic sentence tells the
reader I will be
discussing that.

With respect to the

underlying intentions
of the magazine
company, all three are
relatively consistent.

Again, same as
above: how so? Get
specific. Be superclear and as specific
as possible. Always
and forever (really!).

With respect to the

underlying intentions of
the magazine company,
all three are relatively
consistent: to draw in
customers and make
money, but also to be
better than their
competition.

Here, stating what the

underlying intentions are
shows the reader how
they are all consistent. If
the three article are all
competitors and one of
their intentions is to be
better than their
competition, then this
proves that they are
consistent, making my
statement more specific
and giving the reader a
clearer understanding of
my argument.

Its content is more

sophisticated and
touches on the
physical and health
aspects of the sports
as well.

in what way? Direct

textual support,
please!

Its content is more

sophisticated and touches on
the physical and health aspects
of the sports as well. In a
Sports Illustrated article on
Aaron Rodgers, a professional
football player, it includes,
Mark Kellyastronaut,
engineer, author and Navy
captainjust laughed. He
held no pretense about
Rodgers, whose girlfriend, the
actress Olivia Munn, had
introduced the two men over
drinks. In essence, a younger
audience would have no clue
what this article is even
talking about and frankly,
wouldnt have any interest
either.

Adding direct evidence

from the text and
following with
commentary makes my
point valid. It also
increases the readers
comprehension because
now, my argument is
clear, makes sense, and is
supported with a credible
source.