REAL LIVE MEN

Written by
Tom Bailey

tmbailey@gmail.com

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
A CELL PHONE sits on the counter of a small kitchen. The
phone has been set to SPEAKER, emitting the sound of a MALE
VOICE. Standing over the phone is MELANIE, 28 and pretty.
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
Hey, Melanie... It’s been a little
while, but I’ve been thinking a lot
about you, so I thought I would
reach out... You know, I just
wanted to tell you that I can’t get
it out of my head, the way that you
used to look at me. It was scary
for me at the time -- kind of
overwhelming -- which is why things
sort of ended the way they did. So
I’ve been dealing with that... But
I just wanted to reach out and say
hi. It’s great to hear your voice.
On your outgoing message, I mean.
So calm, inviting, warm. All the
things that you are in real life.
That’s the thing about you, Mel.
You’re so genuine... Anyway, that’s
my awkward post-break-up message.
I hope you get it, and I hope you
find it within you to call me back.
Um, that’s it... Bye...
Melanie picks up the phone then looks to her LEFT, then to
her RIGHT. On either side of the counter stand HOLLY and
DOMINICA, 20s, holding glasses of wine.
MELANIE
OK, you can talk now.
Their responses come in RAPID-FIRE...
HOLLY
What a complete fucking dick-hole.
DOMINICA
I have to hear that again.
HOLLY
Is that for real?
be serious.

This guy cannot

MELANIE
He called me genuine.
Fuck him!

HOLLY
That is an insult.

2.
DOMINICA
I hope you know you’re never
deleting it.
HOLLY
Your grandchildren need to hear
this message.
DOMINICA
You have to post it -HOLLY
Whoa, let’s not go overboard.
DOMINICA
Seriously, I know it might be a
little embarrassing, but you would
be doing humanity a grave
disservice by not posting it.
MELANIE
Yeah... I’m not posting it.
HOLLY
Right move.
DOMINICA
Denying the masses this rare morsel
of pure douche-baggery. Y’all are
some cold-hearted bitches.
MELANIE
I really liked him.

Didn’t I?

HOLLY
You were fond of him.
MELANIE
How could that be?

Listen to him.

Melanie PLAYS BACK the message again.
DOMINICA
He was the one with the
really bushy eyebrows, right?

CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
Hey, Melanie... So it’s been
a little while, but I’ve been
thinking a lot...

MELANIE (CONT’D)
Unfortunately.

CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
... About you, so I thought I
would reach out...

DOMINICA
It was doomed from the start.

CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
... Just wanted to tell you
that I can’t get it out of my
head...

3.
HOLLY
Here he goes. Wait for it...
Wait for it...

CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
... The way that you used to
look at me. It was scary for
me at the time -- kind of
overwhelming...

HOLLY
Yep, that’s the exact moment his
testes shrank back up into his
stomach.
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
So I’ve been dealing with that...
MELANIE
You know, we were supposed to
go to the beach one day, he
didn’t show.

CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
... But I just wanted to
reach out and say hi. It’s
great to hear your voice...

DOMINICA
This is the most depressing
booty call in history.

CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
... I hope you find it within
you to call me back. Um,
that’s it... Bye...

Come here.
Melanie approaches.

HOLLY
Holly puts her hands on her shoulders.

HOLLY (CONT’D)
Repeat after me... I, Melanie.
MELANIE
I, Melanie.
HOLLY
Will find within myself...
MELANIE
Will find within myself.
Penises.
Penises.

HOLLY
MELANIE

HOLLY
Attached to men with testes that do
not detract into their stomachs.
BLACK.