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Jocelyn Ramirez

Main Point of Paragraph

What You Added/Omitted


and Why

Paragraph
#

Initial Submission

Final, Revised
Submission

#1
(Thesis
Statement)

Campaign websites can


be very similar and
different at the same
because they are catered
to a specific political
party audience. In slightly
different ways and
political parties,
presidential candidatesHillary Clinton, Donald
Trump, Bernie Sanders,
and Ben Carson-want to
influence the American
public as much as
possible to agree with
their political opinion and
gain their vote with
persuasive issues on their
website.

In similar and varying


methods, presidential
candidatesBernie
Sanders, Ben Carson,
Donald Trump, and Hillary
Clintonand their
campaign websites want to
influence the American
public as much as possible
to agree with their political
opinion and gain their vote
to be the next leader of our
country with persuasive
texts, individual rhetoric,
and emotion on their
website.

The first thing I did was


combine both sentences
because they were kind of
repetitive. Then I include the
specific conventions I was
going to talk about in the
paper to outline the flow of the
essay and make an argument.

#2

I wanted this paragraph to


be about about Sanders
and Carson use different
rhetoric to gain votes.

Sanders using
understandable language to
urgently persuade voters to
vote for him.

Firstly, I broke up the


paragraph because it was more
than a page long. Then, I
concentrated on one candidate
so I wouldnt lose focus and be
more specific on the point I
was making.

#3

Trump and Carson


presenting their issues in
different ways to appeal
to different groups within
the Republican party.

The importance of rhetoric


and what it is, and how
Carson uses it to appeal to
voters.

The paragraph better explains


rhetoric and how effective it
can. It also goes with the flow
of my thesis.

#4

Sanders and Hillary using


different types of media
to emotionally appeal to
voters.

Connects paragraph 4 and


5 together and Trumps
rhetoric strategies to gain
voters.

#5

Conclude the importance Carson rhetoric strategies


of being familiar with this to gain voters and make
genre.
himself different from
other Republican
candidates.

Separating 4 and 5 allows the


reader to read without
confusion and dread.

I concentrated on one
candidate at a time to maintain
the individual details without
confusion for the reader.

#6

Sanders using pictures and


passion to evoke emotion
in voters to gain their vote.

I separated the paragraphs to


try to create a better flow. I
talk about emotion last
because it is at the end of the
thesis.

#7

Clinton using videos and


hands-on images to stir
emotion in voters to help
them remember her.

I expanded on this idea more


by including it in my thesis
instead of just saying it like an
afterthought the way I did the
first time.

#8

Conclude the importance


of being familiar with this
genre.

I kept it mostly the same


because that was the goal of
my essay, I just didnt do a
very good job of
accomplishing it.