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Married to a Liar
Guest:
Lou Priolo
From the series: Picking Up the Pieces (Day 3 of 3)
Air date:
September 14, 2012

Bob: First Corinthians 13 says that love believes all things. So, what do you do if
youre married to someone who has proven himself or herself to be untrustworthy?
Heres author, Lou Priolo.
Lou: If there are ten interpretations of something that somebody saysnine of them
are bad, and only one of them is good. In the absence of evidence to the contrary, if we
love them, we are going to believe the best about them. However, if theres a growing
mountain of evidence that the person is not a truth-teller, then, were not really being
uncharitable if we dont believe him because he has proven himself to be a liar.
Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, September 14th. Our host is the President of
FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Is there a liar in your family?
Sometimes, its obvious; sometimes, not so much. Well talk about lying today. Stay
tuned.
And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us.
Dennis: Do you remember your first lie?
Bob: The first one I told
Dennis: Yes.
Bob: or the first one I heard?
Dennis: No, the first one you told. The first one you engaged in. I do, if you dontnot
yours by the way, mine. [Laughter]
Bob: I dont know. I can think of some. I dont know that I can go all the way back to
the first one.
Dennis: Well, this is the one I recall.
Bob: Yes.
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Dennis: Alright? I was in the first grade. The teacher told me I could stay in the class
and have my meal there because I wasnt feeling 100 percent. While she was gone, I
slipped out, across the street, and went to this little snack shop that was over there.
Bob: In the first grade?!
Dennis: In the first grade. I was ruthless; alright?
Bob: Wow!
Dennis: I rememberI can still remember standing at the doorway, looking up at the
teachers face, because shed come back while I was gone. She looked at me. She
said, Dennis, did you leave the room? Of course, I did.
Bob: Yes, right.
Dennis: I mean, you know?
Bob: Youre standing there.
Dennis: She said, You didnt go across the street did you? No! No! At that point, I
droppedI dropped what it was Id purchased behind me. It was like, Caught!
Bob: red-handed.
Dennis: red-handed.
Bob: See, I think back to lying, as a child; and I got away with it more than I got caught.
That just reinforces, Hey, this works. I can do this. I had to be broken of that pattern,
not through conscience, but through Scripture.
Dennis: Well, we have a guest who Ill bet hes heard a few lies over the past few
years because youve been in counseling for more than a quarter century. Lou Priolo
joins us on FamilyLife Today. Lou, welcome back.
Lou: Thank you. Yes, with a possible exception of judges and police officers, I
probably get lied to more than anybody else in Montgomery, Alabama.
Dennis: Now, isnt that interesting? Some people wouldntthey wouldnt necessarily
associate a counselor getting lied to a lot.
Lou: Well, initially, people are not always willing, until they trust you, to put all their
cards on the table; and remember, one of the most common types of lies is
concealment.
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Bob: That brings us to really what I want us to talk about today because Ive been at
our Weekend to Remember marriage getawayshad people come up to me and say,
Im married to a liar. My wife regularly does not tell me the truth. What do I do?
Honestly, thats kind of a stumper.
When you dont have trust, when you cant count on the fact that the person sitting
across the table from you, whom you pledge to love, honor, and cherish, is telling you
the truth about somethinghow do you make a relationship work when trust is not
there, at that level, when lying is a regular part of the relationship?
Lou: Its very difficult. The truth is you will not be able to have any significant level of
real intimacy and a real, close relationship. You can have a superficial relationship; but
in order to really experience the intimacy that the Bible says a husband and a wife
should have, there needs to be truthfulness.
Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed. Before the Fall, they could be totally open,
totally honest, totally frank with each other. Then, sin occurs. Now, we want to cover
up. We want to not disclose to our spouse the information that he or she has a biblical
need to know because of our pride, or fear, or other things. It really messes up our
intimacy.
Dennis: You cite a survey that went all the way back to 1988 that indicated, at that
time, we lie about 13 times
Bob: The average guy lies that often?
Dennis: Thirteen times a week.
Bob: Okay.
Dennis: Alright? A new survey that indicates we liewhat is it?up to 200 times a
day?!
Lou: Its a lot.
Dennis: I mean thats a lot of lies.
Lou: Its delicious! I couldnt eat another bite. Did you ever say that? [Laughter] So
glad you dropped by. I wasnt doing a thing. The baby is just beautiful. Put the map
away, Honey. I know exactly how to get there.
Think about the oath that we are encouraged to take when were sworn in. Do you
swearor affirmto tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Why is
that? Well, because you can tell the truth and you can leave something out and mislead
people by not giving all of the data, as I said, that they have a biblical need to know.
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I mean, that oath pretty much covers all manifestations of lies, except possibly
insinuation, which was probably left out of the oath for the benefit of the lawyers.
[Laughter]
Bob: Thats the point. If our intent is to deceive another person, to mislead them, to
either not tell or to shade truthif, in our heart, we want the other person misled, were
lying; arent we?
Lou: Thats right.
Bob: Okay, so now, back to my original question. If Im married to a person and this is
that pattern in that persons lifeyou said, We cant really have intimacy unless that
person confronts their lying. If Im the one married to the liar, is there anything I can
do?
Lou: Again, its going to depend largely if the personthe liarto whom youre
married, is a professing believer or not. Certainly, if he or she is a believer, then, yes,
you have to go through the process of confronting himpossibly getting other people
involvedbut the bottom line is the person has got to, as it says in Ephesians,
Chapter 4, Put away his lying and become a teller of the truth, which, again, its not
going to happen overnight.
Bob: Well, Ill point it out if I know its happening; but when he comes home and I say,
Youre late. How come youre late? and he says, Oh, my boss came in, I dont know
if thats true or not. I cant point it out.
Lou: Generally speaking, the Bible says, in 1 Corinthians 13, that love believes the
best. In the absence of evidence to the contrary, we should believe the best. If there
are ten interpretations of something that somebody says, nine of them are bad; and only
one of them is good. In the absence of evidence to the contrary, if we love them, we
are going to believe the best about them. However, if there is a growing mountain of
evidence that the person is not a truth-teller, then, were not really being uncharitable if
we dont believe him because he has proven himself to be a liar.
Dennis: As I was reading this little book that youve written called, Deception, I was
fascinated to see all the various kinds of lies that we can utter.
Lou: Yes. The funny thing is, Dennis, after the book was published, I found two more.
So, I mean
Dennis: Well, I think this will help people
Lou: Yes.
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Dennis: in recognizing maybe what Bob was talking about here. Im not going to list
them all because its impossible; but first of all, there is inference or insinuation,
concealment, hidden agenda, perjury, fabrication. Heres one that can get people
flatteryback to, Oh, you dont look a day over 40,verbalizing suspicions or faults,
conclusionsthats an interesting onediversion, having an argument and diverting
away from the issue or the truth.
Bob: Now, wait. Thats a lieto divert?
Lou: If your purpose is to mislead people; yes, it could very well be a lie.
Dennis: Another one is partial truth. That goes back to the oath illustration, The whole
truth and nothing but the truth.
Lou: Right.
Dennis: This next one I am just going to say real quickly[spoken quickly]
exaggeration, because
Lou: Speaking hyperbolically.
Dennis: Yes; covering up past sins. I know a wife who was asked by her husband,
before they were married, about her past. She did not share that shed been involved,
and had gotten pregnant, and had an abortion. It came out, more than a decade later,
in their marriage. I mean, thats concealment.
Now, Ive got to admit on this oneI have to stop you on this next one that you list
kidding, teasing, and joking.
Lou: Like fire brands, arrows, and death, so is he who deceives his neighbor and
says, Was I not joking?
Bob: That was a favorite proverb at our house when our kids were growing up because
our kids would always throw out, I was just kidding! We would make them recite the
Proverbs that says, Like a mad man shooting fire brands or arrows.
Dennis: Okay. So, what about an uncle? I had an uncle whohe was a teaseand it
was a way of having fun. I never ever equated his teasing with lying.
Lou: Again, the idea behind thatits not a sin if its obvious that the person is kidding
or its obvious that the person is not being truthful with you. Its sort of like when you go
to a football game; okay?or a basketball game. The players fake each other out.
They mislead each other. You go to a play; okay? You are misled. You are paying
money to go see a play, and you know that the actors are purposely misleading you. If
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you understand, up front, that theres intent to deceive, or mislead, or to jest, or to joke,
thats not really a lie.
Bob: Okay, then. I have to have you weigh in on this situation with Dennis.
Lou: Oh boy.
Dennis: I know what youre going
Bob: Yes, yes
Dennis: what youre going to bring up.
Bob: because hes beenhes had this come up before, and Id like you to
adjudicate. It was approaching Christmas, and Dennis wanted to kind of do a little
surprise with his wifewhisk her off to New York for a little getawaybut he wanted it
to be a surprise. So, he told her
Lou: So, theres absolutely no truth in the statement?
Bob: So, he told her that they were going to this conference in San Antonio. [Laughter]
Yes, there was no truth to what he was saying;
Lou: Yes.
Bob: but he was doing it for a surprise! Is that okay?
Lou: You know the Bible says
Bob: Yes.
Lou: Strong mead belongs to those who are mature, to those who by reason of use
have their senses, their consciences, exercised to discern both good and evil. Having
said that, my conscience never would have allowed me to say that to my wife; but I
dont want to be your judge about that, brother. [Laughter]
Dennis: Well, weve told that story a number of times here on FamilyLife Today. Ive
already apologized to Barbara and to our audience for being a bad example here.
Some of our listeners, though, are not laughing about something like a surprise party.
Theyre married to a habitual lyinga deceiving manipulator.
Bob: Maybe, an unbeliever. Now, its a whole different ball gameisnt it?if the
person doesnt profess faith in Christ and youre in a covenant relationship with
somebody who routinely lies to you.
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Lou: Yes. The sad thing is, or the interesting thing is, most of the lies that were told in
the Bible initially succeeded. I mean, there are so many examples of lying in the Bible.
I mean, you could almost say, tongue-in-cheek, The Bible is filled with lies, because
there are many lies explained in the Bible. The majority of them successfully duped
their victims, initially. When they were found out, often, it was because of some kind of
miraculous God-thing that revealed the truth. Its a very hard thing to defend against;
but the bottom line isyoure not unloving, youre not wrongif you dont trust
somebody who habitually lies to you.
Dennis: In other words, you shouldnt trust somebody who lies to you.
Lou: Not 100 percent; no.
Dennis: How do you guard your heart in that situation? I mean, youre in a marriage
relationshiphow do you keep from being taken advantage of?
Lou: I think you have to be truthful. I mean, sounds ironic; but I think you need to say,
Honey, youve lied to me so many times. Im sorry, but I just dont trust you anymore.
Youre not trustworthy. Youre not dependable. Youre not reliable. If hes a Christian,
Youre Yes is not yes; your No is not no, using biblical terminologyhowever, you
want to do it.
I think you just, up front, tell the person, Until you start becoming a teller of the truth,
our relationship is in some areas going to be stalled; and its going to hurt us. Its going
to hurt our children. Its not that I dont want to trust you. Im going to trust you as much
as I can. I do love you. If its a wife, I will continue to be a dutiful wife to you; but the
bottom line is, unless you stop lying, I am not going to be able to trust you. Let the
other person know, in no uncertain terms, that he cannot be trusted.
Bob: So, the person says, Okay, I recognize this. Youre right. Ill do better.
Lou: No! You have to become a teller of the truth. Its not enoughI mean, you dont
lie 100 percent of time. I mean, if I asked you last night, Would you like your favorite
pizza for dinner? You would tell me, Yes. You wouldnt lie. Just because you dont lie
24/7, doesnt mean youre not a liar. You can stop for a minute or two, or a day or two.
Its not going to be good enough until you learn how to continuously, regularly,
exclusively, speak the truth in love.
Bob: That person, who has had a pattern in his or her life of not telling the truth, is that
going to be a pattern thats going to beits going to have to be broken over time? You
cant, again, flip a switchcan you?and all of a sudden become a truth-teller?
Lou: It can happen quicker than most people realize, but right. Its goingits very
unusual that a person will just be able to stopcome to a screeching haltbecause a
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lot of timesyou know, there are so many different ways to lie. Like, for example, you
didnt mention the I dont know lie. We say, I dont know, when we know. Well,
several times, you know, Rahab said, I dont know where the man went. I dont know
where my brother is. Am I my brothers keeper?
There are so many different varietiesstylesof lying that a liar sometimes doesnt
even realize the extent to which hes lying. So, yes, Bob, its going to be very difficult for
him to stop. Hes probably not going to be able to stop overnight. Its going to take
time.
Bob: So, if your wife comes to you and says, Does this dress make me look fat? what
do you say, Lou?
Lou: Yes.
Bob: If it does?
Lou: Of course, you say, Yes.
Bob: You do?!
Lou: I do.
Bob: If she says, Does this dress make me look fat? and youre about to go out
somewhere, you just say, Yes, it does?
Lou: Well, you could sayyou could say, Sweetheart, its not the most flattering dress
you have.
Dennis: There you go. There you go. I was going to say, Lou, far be it from me to
correct you, as the counselor, at this point
Lou: I say I would say, Yes. [Laughter] Im a New Yorker.
Dennis: Your wife
Lou: Im not from the South where you all have this polite stuff going on.
Bob: Bless your heart.
Lou: Polite. [Laughter]
Dennis: Well, youve been talking about biblical counsel. I would give you some
biblical counsel in return. I would say, Speaking the truth in love, and there is a way to
speak the truth
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Lou: Okay, so, teach me. You counsel me. How would I tell my wife she
Dennis: Well, I would just say to her, You know, Sweetheart, youve got other dresses
that make you look better.
Lou: I agree. Thats a much better way to say it.
Dennis: ItsI just wouldnt say, Yes, you look fat. [Laughter] That would not be
good.
Bob: That would not go well.
Dennis: That would not
Bob: That would not go well for you.
Dennis: in the South or in the North. Im afraid the cold winds blow wherever that
goes.
Bob: What do we do when we read stories in the Bible, like Jacob and Esauwe see
Jacob deceiving his brotherand it appears to be the plan of God for that to happen?
Lou: Well, the plan of God for Jesus Christ to die on the cross involved murder. So,
God decrees that people will sin to accomplish His will. He is sovereign, even over the
sins over all of us, but it does not take away our culpability. It still is wrong to lie.
Bob: So, Jacob wasnt fulfilling his destiny. He would have been the one who was in
the position over his brother because thats what God had said from the beginning,
whether he lied to make that happen or not.
Lou: Thats right. Thats right.
Dennis: Okay, one thing we havent talked about, and it seemed like our kids did it
naturally. Is what do you do with children who lie? Maybe oneand Im not thinking
one of my childrenbut I am thinking of a child in a family right now who just seems like
a habitual liarhas got a pattern, a sin pattern, here.
Lou: Right.
Dennis: What would you recommend?
Lou: Well, weve spent a lot of time, so far, describing the different kinds of lies; but we
didnt do a whole lot of, because of time, talk about how to solve the problem. Basically,
its a matter of first convicting the child of the wrongfulness of the lieto help him to
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understand what his specific style of lying is. We all have our own unique styles of
sinning and our own unique styles of lyingliars have.
So, we have to first identify, What kind of lies am I most likely to tell? Then, we have
to make it our goal or teach the child, in this case, to make it his goal to be a teller of the
truth. We have to explain to him or to her that trust is lostand to understand that
forgiveness may be granted for a liebut there may be consequences and, not the
least of which will be, a certain loss of trust.
I have said to many counselees who struggle with lying, Bob, I want you to imagine
what its going to be like somedaymaybe three or four months from now, maybe a
year from now whenas you walk down the street, people will sayinstead of saying,
There goes Bob Lepine. He is undependable. He doesnt always tell the truththey
say, There goes Bob Lepine. Hes the most truthful man of integrity I have ever met.
Youve got to make it your goal, not just to stop lying. Youve got to make it your goal to
understand how important it is to be a man of integrity, how important it is for your Yes
to be yes, to imagine what it will be like someday when you are known as a truth-teller
rather than a liar.
There are other things I mention in the booklike helping them understand all of the
other consequences involved with lying. Of course, we have to talk about the fact that,
whatever the sin pattern in our life, apart from Gods grace, apart from the Gospel of
Jesus Christ, none of us are able to change. We have to point them to Christ, help
them to understand that apart from His grace, His Word, His working in their heart, they
are not going to be able to change.
Dennis: Right. Im glad you ended there, Lou, because I feel like the Christian life is a
lifetime process of God taking this onion, called Dennis Rainey, and stripping layer after
layer of deceit, lies, selfishnessI mean, just the list seems endlessbut where you
just ended is where we all must camp and rest in. That is that the cross represents the
finished workthe grace of God poured out through Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who
gave Himself up for usso that we would be declared, Not guilty.
Lou: Amen!
Dennis: It says in John 1, And we beheld His glory, full of grace and truth. The truth
reminds us that we lie, but the grace doesnt just cover our liesit erases. It erases the
shame and gives us forgiveness.
I really appreciateI appreciate you and your ministry. Im glad you take us back to the
Bible. Im also glad that youre teachable around how to tell your wife
Lou: Yes, thank you.
Dennis: about that dress.
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Lou: Ive got to be a good counselee if Im going to be a good counselor. [Laughter]


Bob: The thing I really appreciate about the booklet that youve written on lying is just
how practical it is. In fact, all of the booklets that you have written as a part of this
seriestheres one on lying, one on manipulation. I think those are the two that weve
got in our FamilyLife Today Resource Centervery wise, practical, biblical counsel on
subjects that can be very hard subjects for folks, relationally.
Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on the resources that Lou Priolo has
written on these subjects and others. Again, FamilyLifeToday.com is our website. You
can also order by phone. If youd like the booklet on lying, call us to request it. Our tollfree number is 1-800-FL-TODAY. Thats 1-800-358-6329; 1-800- F as in family, L as
in life, and then, the word, TODAY.
Often, when we tackle a subject like weve talked about todayor earlier this week, we
talked about infidelity, unfaithfulness in a marriage relationshiptoday, we talked about
lyingwe often hear from listeners who tell us that these are the kinds of issues theyre
experiencing in a marriage relationship. Sometimes, they feel alone.
You would like to think that, within the context of a local church, thered be an
opportunity for transparency and for there to be some healthy community around issues
like this; but were always encouraged when we find out that FamilyLife Today can be a
part of helping people think rightly about the challenges theyre facing by pointing you
back to what the Bible has to say about these things. Thats our goal, here at
FamilyLife Today. We appreciate those of you who make this program possiblewho
are partners with us in accomplishing that goal. FamilyLife Today is listener-supported.
Without your support, we could not do what we do.
This month, as a way of saying, Thank you for your financial support of this ministry,
were sending out copies of a CD message called What Husband Wished Their Wives
Knew about Men. Its a candid message for women about how men think and about
what men need. Its a message I got a chance to share with a number of wives, several
months ago. The response was very encouraging. So, we thought we would make this
CD available.
All you have to do to receive it is go online at FamilyLifeToday.com, click the button that
says, I CARE, and make an online donation. Well send the CD out to you
automatically when you make your donation, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Make a
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know that youd like to receive it. Again, our toll-free number is 1-800-FL-TODAY. Let
me just say, Thanks, in advance, for your support of the ministry. We do appreciate
you.

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We hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship
together this weekend, and we hope you can join us back on Monday. Were going to
talk about happy husbands. Do you have a happy husband? Would you like to help
your husband be a happy husband? I mean, its better than the alternative; right?
Arlene: Hes been out all day. Hes been slaying his dragons. Hes stressed, and he
wants to come to a home where he feels loved, and appreciated, and wanted. When
my husband comes home, I want it to be a place where he enjoys being.
Bob: Arlene Pellicane is going to join us to talk about what a wife can do to make her
husband happy. Well talk about that Monday. Hope you can join us.
I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production
team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back
Monday for another edition of FamilyLife Today.
FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.
Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.

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