Once Upon A Time in The Shaolin

ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE SHAOLIN
A WU-TANG CLAN HEIST FILM
Written by
Jordan VanDina
WWW.WEEKENDSCRIPTS.COM
ii.
MY THOUGHTS MUST BE RELAXED, BE ABLE TO MAINTAIN/CAUSE TIMES

IS CHANGED AND LIFE IS STRANGE/THE GLORIOUS DAYS IS GONE, AND
EVERYBODYS DOING BAD/YO, MAD LIVES IS UP FOR GRABS CAN
IT BE ALL SO SIMPLE
FADE IN:
EXT. COLD STREETS OF BROOKLYN - NIGHT
Brooklyn is filled with chaos and unrest. Trash fires run
rampant through the alleys. Stray animals linger on the
sidewalks.
Bums and drug addicted lunatics stand shoulder to shoulder
desperately searching for any sign of a better tomorrow.
MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)
You are looking at the year 2025.
After two full terms as president,
Donald Trump turned our country
into a burning, empty vessel.
QUICK FLASHES OF DONALD TRUMP AS PRESIDENT
- The Donald cuts the ribbon at the new wall he built
blocking Canadians from entering America. His evil wispy hair
glistens in the sunlight.
- The Donald calls a one month old baby a fat disgusting
loser.
- The Donald doubled over laughing at his own performance on
one of the early seasons of Celebrity Apprentice. (Probably
the one where Gary Busey fights with the lead singer of Sugar
Ray over cupcakes.)
Our American culture as we know it
is dead. We are no longer the
superpower we once were. We are
tirelessly searching for a new
Renaissance. Appreciation of the
arts is a thing of the past. The
cinema has died. Music has become
so boring, basic and diluted it is
essentially just Morse code.
EXT. MUSIC FESTIVAL - NIGHT
Thousands of kids stand in front of a stage as a DJ presses a
button and BEEPING Morse code noises come from the speakers.
The kids move and dance to the simple sounds.
In fact, the last recorded album
with any substance was...
2.
INT. QUEENS RECORDING STUDIO - DAY
TITLECARD: The year 2015
THE WU-TANG CLAN stands around the booth vibing to their
newest album Once Upon A Time In The Shaolin. They are
loving this shit, its incredible, unlike anything else ever
put to tape.
The verses weave tales, the choruses paint pictures, if you
dont like this music your body should be studied for being
completely dead inside.
RZA
I think we got something here.
Raekwon youve really grown as an
artist both lyrically and
intellectually.
RAEKWON
Thanks, B. You know its that sort
of positive reinforcement that gets
me through even the toughest days.
GZA
This shit right here can change the
world. The same way Da Vinci did,
the same way Tupac did, the same
way whoever the first guy was who
put Nutella on warm toast did.
The Wu-Tang Clan, RZA, GZA, METHOD MAN, RAEKWON, GHOSTFACE
KILLAH, CAPADONNA, U-GOD, MASTA KILLA, and INSPECTAH DECK all
share in a group hug.
Alas, the WU boys knew they had
something so special, so utterly
forceful, they couldnt release it
into the world. This great nation
wasnt quite ready for it. They
wanted to keep it safe by giving it
to someone important... Powerful
even.
EXT. EXPENSIVE MANHATAAN SUSHI JOINT - NIGHT
MARTY SHKRELI, 26, slick and rich, pulls up in one of the
sickest fucking Lamborghinis youve ever seen. The kind of
car you couldnt afford in 10 lifetimes with your loser ass
office job.
3.
VALET GUY
Good evening, sir. Nice car.
Shkreli tosses him the keys.
SHKRELI
Keep it... Just kidding, Id rather
run this thing into a fucking ditch
than let your nine dollar an hour
ass drive it. Heres a towel, put
it under your ass when you sit down
so your cheap JNCOS dont stain the
white Corinthian leather, and dont
scratch the car, asshole.
A single tear forms in the valet drivers eye.
INT. EXPENSIVE MANHATAAN SUSHI JOINT - CONTINUOUS
Shkreli walks in and sees this super hot chick at a table
with her husband. He drops a $100 bill on the table.
SHKRELI
Im sorry, did I drop my riches on
your table? Beat it pal, I want to
talk to your lady friend.
The lame husband gets up. Shkreli sits down with the wife.
SHKRELI (CONTD)
Blah. Blah. Blah. Im fucking
bored.
WIFE
I didnt say anything.
Shkreli takes a piece of her sushi and walks away.
Yes, the man who bought Wu-Tangs
album was a very rich venture
capitalist. In fact he went on to
become the man who took over
leadership in America after Trump.
EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
The White House is run down and falling apart. The grass is
dead in front of the house, the windows are shattered.
Giant billboards with Shkrelis image line the street just
like a dictator. He is now known to the world as THE SHKREL.
4.
The Shkrel propaganda fills the streets of Washington D.C.
Signs hang on CVS and RITE AID windows that read.
Robitussin On Sale- $6,948.
Pepto Bismol - $22,030.
MORGAN FREEMAN
(V.O)
After raising the price of all
medicines to an exorbitant
amount... People could no longer
afford to stay healthy. America is
dying at the hands of our new
supreme leader THE SHKREL.
Which leads us to present day...
INT. METHOD MANS ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT IN QUEENS - NIGHT
Method Mans apartment is small but cozy, at first youd be
like This is where Method Man lives? but then after
thinking about it youd be like oh yeah this makes sense.
Wu-Tang records hang on the wall. A Poster for How High is on
the door. A few bongs are scattered on the table.
Method Man is wrapped in a Wu-Tang Snuggie wearing an Xbox
headset. He furiously taps the controller.
METHOD MAN
Shame on a nigga who try to run
game on a nigga!
A childs voice is heard on the other end of the headset.
CHILDS VOICE
You just got owned, pussy.
METHOD MAN
Who you calling a pussy? Im gonna
come to your house and shit in your
lunch-box. Youre gonna show up to
school, open your lunch box and
human shit will be in there next to
your Go-Gurt.
In the background you can hear the childs mom calling for
him.
CHILDS VOICE
I gotta go, later bitch!
5.
METHOD MAN
What do you mean you got to go,
Nathan? We are knee-deep in a full
blown aerial assault and you just
gonna leave me here? Thats kind of
fucked up. Youve got commitment
issues.
CHILDS VOICE
Some of us have shit to do. Things
going on in our lives...
METHOD MAN
I got shit going on...
Method Man shuts the Xbox off and fills his bong. He lights
it, takes a DEEP inhale and collapses on his couch.
The lights in his apartment start to flicker on and off. A
cold wind enters the room.
The windows slam shut and a rattle starts to hit the door.
Shimmmy...
GHOST VOICE
Method Man looks around.

The fuck?
METHOD MAN
GHOST VOICE
Shimmy Shimmy Ya, Shimmy Yam...
Method Man wraps himself tighter in his Snuggie.
METHOD MAN
Thunder is just God bowling...
Thunder is just God bowling...
The bong starts to float off the table, it is being smoked by
an invisible entity.
METHOD MAN (CONTD)
Hope you plan on paying for that.
The sound of THUNDER claps through the house and THE GHOST OF
OL DIRTY BASTARD appears in front of Method Man.
Method Man SCREAMS in terror.
GHOST OF ODB
Method Man, I am here to send you
on a divine mission.
6.
METHOD MAN
Goddamn! This is some good ass
weed! DIVINE mission?... That means
you went to Heaven?
GHOST OF ODB
Well sort of, I knocked this Angel
bitch up, had six kids, so I get to
go up to Heaven every other weekend
for visitation.
The Ghost of ODB floats over to the table and packs the bong.
METHOD MAN
Respect. So whats this mission?
GHOST OF ODB
You must retrieve the Once Upon a
Time in the Shaolin album from the
hands of The Shkrel! It is the key
to saving the world.
METHOD MAN
Shit. I knew we had something
special with that one. But what if
we cant get the album back?
The Ghost of ODB takes a big bong rip and starts to choke.
GHOST OF ODB
Damn, this IS good shit. This a
sativa?
METHOD MAN
Indica hybrid.
GHOST OF ODB
If you dont retrieve the album,
the world as we know it will burn,
the youth of America will become
slaves, everything we ever worked
for will be destroyed.
Method Man stares at ODBs ghost for a long while,
contemplating the information he was just given.
METHOD MAN
YO, you got that $19 you owe me
from back in the day?
GHOST OF ODB
IM A GHOST motherfucker! Ghosts
dont carry cash. Greedy son of a
bitch...
7.
The ghost of ODB vanishes, Method Man packs another bong.
INT. ART CLASS FOR THE ELDERLY - DAY
About 15 elderly people sit in a room and poorly paint on
their easel.
At the front of their class is the RZA, teaching art
techniques like Bob Ross.
RZA
Its important to only use a
downward stroke on the root of the
tree, this will create a fuller and
richer visual environment.
OLD MAN
I dont like this.
RZA
Thats okay, when Monet was going
through his impressionist period
painting Water Lilies, he wasnt
all that thrilled with his art
either. Its part of the process.
GRETA, 95, frail and tiny, raises her hand. RZA approaches
her.
RZA (CONTD)
Greta, this is really looking good,
some of your best work to date. I
see a lot of symbolism in your
frenetic motifs.
The easel is just a splatter of colors with no defined
picture.
GRETA
This doesnt look like anything.
RZA
That is one of the best things
about art, you know during
Picassos rose period he made use
of...
A cloud of smoke fills the room from the doorway, when it
clears Method Man is heard COUGHING.
METHOD MAN
Yo, RZA, we gotta talk.
8.
RZA goes back to his easel.
RZA
Im sort of in the middle of
something here.
METHOD MAN
You using these Walter Matthau
looking motherfuckers to launder
money?
RZA
No! We have nothing to talk about
Meth, I told you the Wu is done,
Ive got my own thing going here.
Im happy.
Method Man sees RZAs painting of a quaint forest with a
smiling bunny rabbit and looks disgusted.
METHOD MAN
Just give me two minutes, this is
important.
RZA
Alright, but its my class, youll
play by my rules.
RZA claps to get the classes attention.
RZA (CONTD)
Class as you know Ive been
promising a nude model for all of
you to paint...
METHOD MAN
What the fuck?
RZA
And finally he is here tonight...
Please sir take off your clothes.
METHOD MAN
This is humiliating, yo.
Method Man starts to take his boots off.
METHOD MAN (CONTD)
I saw him...
Who?
RZA
Method Man takes off his shirt.
9.
METHOD MAN
ODB. He came to my apartment last
night.
RZA
ODB is dead, Meth. Maybe you should
put down the bong once in a while.
Method Man takes off his pants.
METHOD MAN
Its for real this time. He wants
us to steal back our Shaolin album.
Method Man is fully nude.
Greta GASPS.
GRETA
SHIT! Now this I can paint.
RZA
You had that dream too?
Greta fans her face.
GRETA
Finally some fucking inspiration.
METHOD MAN
I knew it. It wasnt a dream. It
was for real...
RZA
Put your clothes back on you
weirdo, we gotta get the Clan back
together... We have an album to
steal.
EXT. BACKYARD IN LONG ISLAND - DAY
A van is parked in the driveway that reads INSPECTAH DECK
will INSPECT YA DECK.
PAUL, 40s, timid and nerdy walks around the falling apart
deck of his house with INSPECTAH DECK.
INSPECTAH DECK
Yep. Ya decks fucked.
PAUL
Yes I know that. Whats wrong with
it?
10.
INSPECTAH DECK
Its all shitty. Just like messed
up in all kinds of ways.
Okay...
$2600.
What?
PAUL
INSPECTAH DECK
PAUL
INSPECTAH DECK
Thats what you owe me.
PAUL
Im not giving you...
Inspectah cocks his arm back like hes gonna punch Paul.
PAUL (CONTD)
A check is okay?
Inspectah lights a blunt. RZA and Method Man come around the
back.
INSPECTAH DECK
Goddamn, I am glad to see you guys.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
The office is filled with people typing on computers. It is
your classic cubicle, dead-end job, office environment.
The GZA, white button down tucked in, an ID-card that reads
I.T. on his shirt pocket, sits in a small office.
A typical OFFICE GUY walks over to GZA holding a coffee mug.
OFFICE GUY
Talk about a case of the Mondays am
I right?
GZA
Yeah, Mondays... Can I help you
with something?
OFFICE GUY
Nah, its from Office Space. You
seen that movie?
11.
GZA
Yes. We do this every week, at some
point you are going to stop quoting
Office Space right?
OFFICE GUY
MY WIIIIIFE... Borat.
GZA
Yep, Borat, I know. Youre good at
that.
THE BOSS pages over the loud speaker.
BOSS
(over intercom)
GZA to my office. The GZA to my
office NOW.
GZA walks towards the bosses office.
INT. BOSSES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
THE BOSS, 60s, overweight, slams on his keyboard as GZA
walks in.
THE BOSS
What do I pay you for?
GZA
I.T. work, sir.
THE BOSS
Is that right? And would you say
you are good at your job?
Yes, sir.
GZA
THE BOSS
Yet nothing seems to work in this
Goddamn place and you come in here
and you ask patronizing questions
like is it plugged in? And its
taking everything in me not to fire
your ass right here, right now. So
Ill ask again, what do you do
here?
GZA opens his laptop which is filled with terminal windows
and computer code from corner to corner. He starts viscously
typing.
12.
GZA
Well today alone, I hacked into the
mainframe of Gustley industries,
our main competitor, I found out
they are trying to screw us on the
Switzerland deal. After that I
coded a script that will automate
the entire mail department which
means you can save about $80,000 a
year, and then I blocked our
offices IP from allowing people to
go on Facebook/Instagram/really any
social media in an effort to get
the most productivity out of your
employees.
The boss sits there mouth open, stunned.
GZA (CONTD)
Oh and as for your specific
computer problem... Your keyboard
isnt plugged in.
The wire for the keyboard hangs below the desk not plugged in
anywhere.
GZA (CONTD)
Now with all do respect, Fuck you,
boss man. I quit. My friends from
the Wu-Tang Clan are here and we
all saw a ghost that told us to
steal our one of a kind album from
a dictator.
GZA picks up his bosses stapler and throws it on the ground.
GZA (CONTD)
Youre lucky I have been working a
lot on myself through meditation
otherwise I would have thrown a
number of other things off your
desk as well.
GZA storms out of the office.
EXT. BROOKLYN PARKING LOT - DAY
GHOSTFACE KILLAH stands around a car thats missing a tire.
Soon they picked up Ghostface
Killah, who is known as the Hood
MacGyver
13.
DRIVER
We dont have a tire jack to lift
this car.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Thats ite, we dont need it. Get
me a Dutch Master, a paper clip and
11 coat hangers.
EXT. QUEENS FLEA MARKET - DAY
They grabbed U-GOD who was still
pick-pocketing in Queens.
U-GOD passes a group of people and on the other side comes
out with four wallets. He frantically searches through.
U-GOD
Giftcard to Chilis? Niiiice.
INT. FANCY ASS RESTAURANT - NIGHT
This is a fancy ass restaurant, the kind of place that makes
you look at the Yelp first to see how many dollar signs are
on there.
And so the boys continued
gathering. Cappadonna and Masta
Killa joined up, and there was but
one hold out.
The Wu-Tang Clan sits around a table eating.
METHOD MAN
Yo waiter, waiter. Can you tell the
chef to come out here.
WAITER
The chef is very busy tonight but I
assure you I will relay any message
you need to go to him.
METHOD MAN
(screaming)
Tell him his NY STRIP tastes like
NY SHIT!
CAPPADONNA
Oh, thats funny. I like what you
did there.
14.
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Method Mans insults travel to the back of the kitchen. The
chef whos face isnt seen yet, throws down his pan and runs
towards the dining area.
INT. FANCY ASS RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
METHOD MAN
There we go. Knew that would work.
RAEKWON, THE CHEF, comes running out of the kitchen.
RAEKWON
Whos the dead man insulting my
culinary artistry?... Oh...
The Wu stares at Raekwon.
INT. FANCY ASS RESTAURANT - LATER
Raekwon sits with the boys and laughs as they tell stories
about robbing their local crack dealer in the early 90s.
RAEKWON
This has been fun but I have to go
back to work.
RZA
Raekwon, we need you. Cant do this
without you.
RAEKWON
I actually go by RAY now.
Raekwon points to his name tag that reads Ray.
RAEKWON (CONTD)
And this food aint gonna cook
itself. Im happy here guys. That
rap stuff, its in the past.
GZA
If thats how you feel... Ray.
It is.
RAEKWON
Raekwon gets up and walks back towards the kitchen.
15.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
CLARK ALLENS, manager of the restaurant, throws a stack of
tickets at Raekwon.
CLARK ALLENS
RAY. Where the fuck have you been?
Table 17 has been waiting for a
Risotto for 39 minutes.
Clark throws another ticket at Raekwon.
CLARK ALLENS (CONTD)
And table 8 sent back their
steak...
Clark throws the under cooked steak on the table.
CLARK ALLENS (CONTD)
(yelling)
Turns out, they dont like it raw.
Most people hate steak raw! Do you
think they like raaaaw???? They
dont like it raw. Do you like it
raaaaw?!
ODBs Baby I like it raw echoes in Raekwons head. He rips
off his apron and runs out of the kitchen.
EXT. FANCY ASS RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Raekwon sees the Wu about to leave.
RAEKWON
You guys... Im in.
RZA
What happened to Ray?
RAEKWON
Ray is dead.
And with that, all nine members of
the Wu-Tang Clan were back
together, ready to embark on a
mission that could change the world
forever. However things in
Washington D.C. were not quite so
uplifting.
16.
INT. THE SHKRELS WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
The oval office looks like it was overrun by a 14 year old.
Car posters on the wall, Maxim girl calendars hung up
everywhere, flat screens with Scarface all around the room.
The SHKREL, practices his golf swing while talking to his
vice president, JUSTIN BIEBER, who is now 32.
THE SHKREL
And thats when I decided to raise
the price of water to a million a
gallon!
JUSTIN BIEBER
Thats hysterical, Shkrel. Should
we destroy invaluable art tonight
or put a hundred million in a pile
and burn it in front of the hungry?
THE SHKREL
No, Im bored of all those silly
antics. Tonight is special. Its
almost time for us to go into the
final phase of my world domination
plan.
The Shkrel opens up his laptop. He quickly exes out of a
bunch of dating sites www.RichWhiteGuysMeetBigBoobGirls.Com
www.PresidentsOnly.com
www.BlackPeopleMeet.com.
The Shkrel has a list of world leaders from every country.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
Tonight I send out an invitation to
the Shkrel Ball.
JUSTIN BIEBER
A party? Can I come?
THE SHKREL
Yes, youre the Vice President.
JUSTIN BIEBER
Awesome. Im gonna do sex.
The Shkrel shakes his head.
17.
THE SHKREL
Not that kind of party. I will
invite every world leader to my
home, under the guise of playing
for them my most prized
possession...
The Shkrel pulls a book from a book shelf which opens a
sliding wall.
He puts his hand in a mold on the wall.
A laser projects and scans his eyes.
The wall opens up again to a hidden hallway.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
From here we must enter all 36
Chambers.
The Shkrel continues to pass through 36 different vaults till
he finally reaches...
INT. THE WU-TANG ALBUM HIDDEN VAULT - CONTINUOUS
The Shkrel and Bieber walk through a corridor into a room
that is filled with red lasers.
Behind the lasers is the Wu-Tangs ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE
SHAOLIN in a glass container. A single spotlight illuminates
the album.
In front of the album is a SAMURAI SWORD that glimmers in the
light.
THE SHKREL
But those world leaders will never
make it this far. Once they are
gathered in one place, under one
roof, I will destroy them and have
full reign of the world. Ah yes, in
one weeks time, the world will be
mine!
Bieber stopped paying attention, he is pissing in a bucket on
the side of the vault.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
Hey. HEY. Stop pissing in buckets,
man. Its really not cool. I was
having a moment.
18.
JUSTIN BIEBER
Sorry, bro.
THE SHKREL
I mean there are literally 56
bathrooms in the white house.
JUSTIN BIEBER
I said Im sorry, can we just drop
it?
INT. HOLLYWOOD MANSION - NIGHT
The Wu-Tang Clan sit around a large living room playing
chess.
CAPPADONNA
Yo where we at right now? I thought
we were going to kill the
president.
MASTA KILLA
I dont want to kill anyone and
this is coming from a man named
Masta Killa.
U-GOD
We are just stealing our album back
and leaving.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
And saving the world.
U-GOD
Right and saving the world. Simple.
RZA
We are at an old friends house.
Someone that can put this whole
plan into action. A thinking man. A
Kingpin if you will.
The lights dim in the house. Spotlights start to spin around
the room.
VOICE FROM SPEAKERS
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Boys and
girls, Wu-Tang Killer Bees and all,
I want to introduce a man that
needs no introduction, star of such
films as Groundhog Day and
Ghostbusters, I present to you Bill
fucking Murray!!!!
19.
BILL MURRAY, who was introducing himself, puts the mic down
and runs out to greet the Wu.
BILL MURRAY
Hello boys; Method, RZA, GZA,
Inspectah, U-GOD, Cappa, Raekwon,
Masta, Ghost, you guys look great.
Bill Murray bows to the Wu.
RZA
You look great too, Bill Murray.
And I know Ive said it before but
your performance in Jim Jarmuschs
Broken Flowers was understated and
honest as all Hell.
BILL MURRAY
Thanks, I like that one too.
Bill quickly switches from fun to business.
BILL MURRAY (CONTD)
As you guys already know, the plan
is to break into the white house,
steal back your album from the
Shkrel therefore eliminating all
his power and thus releasing real
music back into the world and
saving our country from total
termination.
Correct.
METHOD MAN
BILL MURRAY
This wont be a cakewalk. There is
a real chance of danger here, so if
you guys arent ready to Bring da
Ruckus and Protect Ya Necks the
door is right over there...
The Wu sits still.
BILL MURRAY (CONTD)
Good. Then lets get started.
INT. BILL MURRAYS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Bill lays out a bunch of blue-prints of the white house that
read WU-PRINTS.
20.
BILL MURRAY
Now the job itself isnt all that
hard, its your basic snatch and
grab.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Sure, I used to snatch and grab
purses on 131st and Lennox to fund
studio time for 36 Chambers.
Church!
U-GOD
BILL MURRAY
Exactly. Same thing here, only
theres going to be a little more
security this time around. The
secret service.
Bill turns on the flat screen on his wall and it has a
digital video of the entire lay-out of the white house.
BILL MURRAY (CONTD)
I played 18 holes with Clinton last
week, he just had these on a thumb
drive... Along with some other
unmentionable videos that made me
question my entire friendship with
the guy. Guy can putt like nobodys
business though.
The screen shows the bases of all armed security, the rooms
within the house and the vaults that are hidden throughout.
BILL MURRAY (CONTD)
Now a bit of bad news, it would be
a much simpler task to break into
the room that holds the nuclear
warhead codes than it will be to
break into the Wu-Tang record room.
RZA
Goddamn, Bill Murray.
BILL MURRAY
Goddamn Bill Murray is right. Just
to get up to the oval office we
need to break into the white house,
get up stairs past two checkpoints,
get voice confirmation from a
member of the cabinet Vice
President or higher and once inside
we will need eye scan and finger
print matches.
21.
GZA
This shit sounds like a movie.
BILL MURRAY
Well its not a movie. Its real
life. So now I ask you this as we
make our way to Washington... Do we
know any drivers?
I do.
METHOD MAN
EXT. BILL MURRAYS MANSION - NIGHT

Bill Murray and the WU stand outside as a YELLOW STRETCH
HUMMER LIMO pulls up in the driveway.
The window slowly rolls down to reveal under a cloud of
smoke, XZIBIT.
XZIBIT
Someone need their ride pimped?
SUDDENLY WE ARE IN A PIMP MY RIDE episode as Xzibit gives a
tour of all the wacky features of the Hummer Limo.
XZIBIT (CONTD)
We are looking at a brand new
Hummer Limo that has been Pimped
floor to ceiling. Perfect for
performing a Pimpin heist.
XZIBIT laughs at his own jokes.
INT. HUMMER LIMO - NIGHT
XZIBIT opens up the floor of the Hummer to reveal an arsenal
of guns and ammo.
XZIBIT
First up, say no to gun violence
but in this particular case Ive
got us enough heavy artillery
weaponry in here to make the NRA
blush.
There is a fish tank on the inside of the limo. X puts a
little fish food in his hand and feeds the fish.
XZIBIT (CONTD)
There you go, Linus, eat your
supper.
(MORE)
22.
XZIBIT (CONTD)
Behind the fish tank we got a Code
11, black box, sector H, safe. So
when we get the album, we keep the
album.
XZIBIT moves past a couple bottles of Cristal and Ciroc.
XZIBIT (CONTD)
Cristal and Ciroc for when we are
celebrating... And of course behind
the milk shake station in the back
we have the NOS button. For when we
need a quick get-away.
Bill Murray and the Wu-Tang Clan jump in the limo
celebrating.
The limo gets about 40 feet and slowly comes to a stop.
XZIBIT (CONTD)
Is there a gas station around here?
INT. THE SHKRELS POKER ROOM - NIGHT
The Shkrel sits around his poker table with other
billionaires, Mark Cuban, Donald Trump, Michael Jordan and
the VP, Justin Bieber.
DONALD TRUMP
I call your HIV vaccine and raise
you the secrets to time travel.
Michael Jordan throws in his cards.
Im out.
MICHAEL JORDAN
Trump flips his cards.

TRUMP
Nothing. I had nothing. I was
bluffing! You are a loser Michael
Jordan. A Loser. Never won a thing.
MICHAEL JORDAN
Actually I won Six championships, I
was the 10 time NBA scoring
champion, never lost in the finals,
had uncountable game winning shots,
and scored 38 points while I had
the flu.
23.
TRUMP
(under his breath)
Still a Loser.
THE SHKREL
Did you guys hear Im gathering up
the worlds leaders and playing
them the secret Wu-Tang album?
Mark Cuban gives the Shkrel a fist bump.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
The only hold out so far is the
Prime Minister of Canada Justin
Trudeau.
TRUMP
Hes just butt-hurt cause I built a
wall blocking Canadians from
getting in and oot! See what I did
there with the out? I changed it to
match their accent. Im funny and
personable.
Mark Cuban finishes his drink.
MARK CUBAN
Gotta go boys, I just made a deal
for a clip-on manbun thats going
to take to me to the fucking top.
By the way, the Vice President is
pissing in that bucket over there.
THE SHKREL
GODDAMMIT. Why do we keep all these
buckets around the fucking White
House?
INT. WALMART - NIGHT
The Wu-Tang Clan and Bill Murray rummage around through
Walmart looking for supplies.
RZA
Okay, lets go over the essentials.
GZA
Binoculars, walkie talkies, camogear...
Method Man slams GZA over the head with a toy Lightsaber.
24.
METHOD MAN
Lightsabers! Im a Jedi! Im a
Jedi!
GZA
You are not a Jedi, Method Man, put
it back.
METHOD MAN
You never let me have any fun, GZA.
Bill Murray walks up with a cart of Blu-Rays.
BILL MURRAY
You GUYS. I didnt even know they
put What About Bob on Blu-ray.
GZA
Put the Blu-rays back, Bill Murray.
We need to focus.
GZA looks to his left and sees Ghostface Killah popping up
and down over a distant aisle.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Hey! I found the trampoline
section.
GZA
(through gritted teeth)
You guys are embarrassing me.
The Wu make their way over to the electronics section and
stumble across their original album Enter The Wu-Tang: 36
Chambers.
RZA
Damn. Its been a minute since Ive
seen this in a store. You guys
ready for tomorrow?
Yep.
METHOD MAN
The Wu and Bill Murray put their hands in the middle and
raise them to the sky.
EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - MORNING
The Wu-Tang Clan and Bill Murray are on top of a building
across from the white house. Ghostface Killah holds
binoculars and looks onto the yard.
25.
Method Man has a Lightsaber from Walmart attached to his
belt.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Looks like we got two security
guards up front. A few snipers on
the roof. And about 140 security
cameras lining the front door.
U-GOD starts to inhale and exhale into a paper bag.
U-GOD
What are we doing here guys? I
cant do this. I feel like Im
gonna pass out. We are only human,
we cant pull this off.
RZA shakes U-God.
RZA
Separate we are human, together we
are a Clan.
U-GOD and RZA stare deeply into each others eyes. U-GOD
knows that RZA is right, that if they put their minds to
anything they can pull this off.
Respect...
U-GOD
GZA is on his laptop.

GZA
Oh shit, TMZ says they are
rebooting Chappie thats my
favorite film.
METHOD MAN
Arent you supposed to be hacking
into the White Houses main-frame?
GZA
Did that an hour ago B, their shit
is softer than Drakes second verse
on Hotline Bling. Watch this.
GZA presses a button and a SIREN goes off in the front of the
white house.
A pack of dogs get released and attacks an innocent bystander
that is taking a tour.
26.
GZA (CONTD)
Shit, I immediately regret doing
that. I thought that button
activated the sprinklers. Maybe I
should study up on this a little
more.
RZA
That guy is really getting bit hard
by those dogs.
GZA
Yeah, RZA, I messed up, no need to
keep sticking my damn nose in it.
RZA hands his binoculars to Cappadonna.
RZA
Cappadonna, I want you trailing The
Shkrel, we need to know his
routine, where he is and when hes
there.
Cappadonna faces his binoculars towards the Shkrels bedroom.
INT. THE SHKRELS BEDROOM - MORNING
The Shkrel wakes up in a monster-truck onesie and goes to his
bathroom. On the toilet paper roll is $100 bills.
The Shkrel looks in the mirror.
THE SHKREL
You handsome motherfucker.
Tonights the night where you take
over the world!
He sneezes and grabs for the tissue box which also has $100
bills inside of it. He blows his nose into a $100 and flushes
it down the toilet.
INT. THE SHKRELS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
The Shkrel signs onto Facebook and checks out the event he
made WORLD LEADER DINNER AND WU-TANG LISTENING PARTY.
He scrolls down the list, leaders from every country are
confirmed.
Kim Jong Un wrote on the events wall Hope youre ready to
get fucked up, Im bringing a 6 pack of Mikes Hard Lemonade
you pansy!
27.
Vladimir Putin wrote on the events wall Ill have you know
Im the Flip Cup champion of Russia, bitch!!!
Raul Castro writes Is this a +1 type event? My father wont
stop hounding my ass about listening to this album.
A friend request pops up, Shkrel is intrigued. It is a
picture of METHOD MAN but the name says President Nam
Dohtem: Leader of Ghana.
Along with the friend request is a message that says Can I
join the party?
The Shkrel picks up a red phone.
THE SHKREL
Bieber. What is Ghana?
JUSTIN BIEBER
Its when your stick burns after
having sex with the hostess at the
Dennys off the 10.
THE SHKREL
But is it a country?
JUSTIN BIEBER
Could be. Why? You want to fly
there and show our Rolexes to the
sick?
THE SHKREL
No. Well, yes, but not today.
A timid ASSISTANT pops his head in the office.
ASSISTANT
Mr. Shkrel, its time for the press
conference.
THE SHKREL
Thank you so much! And whatever the
ticket cost, just bill us back for
it.
ASSISTANT
Ticket, sir?
The Shkrel gets up.
28.
THE SHKREL
Yes! The ticket back to whatever
PODUNK fucking backward ass town
you came from that doesnt believe
in knocking before entering, you
fucking piece of shit.
The assistant starts to hysterically cry.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
Dont get any of your tears on my
velvet floors.
The Shkrel puts on a sports jacket and walks towards the
door.
EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE FRONT LAWN - DAY
A crowd of people and news cameras fill the lawn waiting for
The Shkrel.
Wu-Tang stands in the back observing.
The Shkrel approaches the podium to minimal applause.
THE SHKREL
People of America, tonight is very
special. I will be gathering the
worlds leaders here to solve the
earths problems. Celebrate me.
This night will be talked about
until the end of time.
CNN ANCHOR
Shkrel, what do you say to the
people that are upset youve priced
our citizens out of the market on
basic human necessities?
THE SHKREL
Ill tell you, like WU told me,
cash rules everything around me.
Dollar dollar bill yall. Seriously
though, poor people make me fucking
sick to my stomach... And to answer
the question on everyone elses
minds... 9 inches flaccid, 100
inches hard. Thank you for your
time.
29.
The news goes crazy trying to ask more questions. The Shkrel
is about to leave when...
BILL MURRAY
Excuse me, excuse me! Pardon me.
Bill makes his way through the crowd, pushing people out of
the way. He approaches the podium and gets up on the stage.
BILL MURRAY (CONTD)
I love this guy! He is a laugh a
minute.
THE SHKREL
Oh shit, Bill Murphy from the
Garfield movies. That stuff is
funny. Made me laugh for real. Im
always thinking, this orange cat
fucking hates Mondays!
BILL MURRAY
Thank you. I just am such a fan of
your policies, your No healthcare
for everyone bill was a gamechanger.
Bill hugs the Shkrel hard. They embrace for a long time, Bill
slips his hand down the back of Shkrels coat pocket and gets
his entry card.
The Shkrel pushes Bill Murray off in a fit of rage.
BILL MURRAY (CONTD)
Sorry, you are just covered in so
much Axe body spray, I couldnt
step away. Its intoxicating.
THE SHKREL
Understandable. I made them brew a
special flavor for me, its a mix
of after-sex stink and shame.
BILL MURRAY
Could have guessed that.
EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY
Inspectah Deck pops up from a sewer with grease on his face.
RZA helps him out.
RZA
How we looking?
30.
Not great.
INSPECTAH DECK
RZA
Will you be able to knock the power
out?
INSPECTAH DECK
I checked the construction of the
power grid from the ground level up
and nothing short of an earthquake
is going to knock that power
trigger loose. Once the lever is
loose then I may be able to do
something but until then... We are
up the Yangtze without a wooden
paddle my friend.
RZA
Earthquake you say? That will do
the trick?
INSPECTAH DECK
Yeah, thats what I said.
RZA whistles and XZIBIT pulls up in the Hummer.
RZA
X, what kind of speakers this thing
got?
XZIBIT
Eh nothing special, only the
nuclear atom bomb of fucking
speakers! 17,000 watts of woofer,
100 thousand volts of fuck your ass
up, tuck you in and put your ass to
bed! Night night, little girls!
RZA stares at Xzibit. Xzibit snaps out of it.
XZIBIT (CONTD)
(serious)
Its a Bose system. All Bose.
Really high quality. Industry
standard.
RZA
Perfect. Need you to cue up a track
that really knocks the bass when I
give you the cue tonight.
31.
XZIBIT
I got you fam, you want me to
install a see-through ping pong
table in the front quadrant of that
bitch too?
RZA
Ugh, no I dont think so. Dont
think well have the time to play
ping pong.
XZIBIT looks so disappointed in that answer.
XZIBIT
Right, right. No youre totally
right. Guess Ill just throw all
the fucking parts for it in the
trash and burn it.
Method Man runs up to RZA holding his phone out.
METHOD MAN
He accepted the president of
Ghanas request. Looks like Im
going to this dinner tonight.
RZA
We gotta get you an outfit. Who do
we know in congress that would hook
us up with threads?
EXT. SECRETARY OF TREASURY OFFICE - DAY
Method Man waits in the lobby of the Secretary of Treasury.
A door opens and KANYE WEST invites him in.
METHOD MAN
Yeezy. Thanks for seeing me on such
short notice.
KANYE WEST
Not a problem, I heard you need an
outfit for an event tonight?
METHOD MAN
Something that makes me look
important and powerful.
Kanye takes out a sweatshirt that looks like it has been
badly burned in a fire.
32.
KANYE WEST
This one here is from my fall
collection, represents starvation
and riches at the same time. Sort
of like you are starving to get
rich. Or rich enough to be
starving, you dig?
METHOD MAN
No, not really.
KANYE WEST
I can give you that for $96,000.
Friend price since we go way back.
Hmmm....
METHOD MAN
KANYE WEST
Not for you? Okay. Okay.
Kanye grabs a plain white t-shirt.
KANYE WEST (CONTD)
This is an alabaster shag Bolivian
top. It represents purgatory.
METHOD MAN
Looks like a plain white tee.
KANYE WEST
Yeah, that one goes for $9,300.
METHOD MAN
I was actually thinking more like a
suit or something, my dude.
KANYE WEST
Oh, I know exactly the piece you
need.
Kanye checks his closet, he takes out a plaid Kilt that is
sewn to a suit jacket missing an arm.
KANYE WEST (CONTD)
Now youre getting into some shit
thats a little more expensive.
Couldnt really part with this one
for less than 3 million.
METHOD MAN
(faking it)
That is really nice. Let me think
about it.
33.
Kanye is disgusted.
KANYE WEST
Whats there to think about? You
are standing in the midst of
genius. The human re-incarnation of
Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, Mark
Wahlberg.
METHOD MAN
Mark Wahlberg is still alive Im
pretty sure.
KANYE WEST
Thats just what they want you to
believe. You are a puppet like the
rest of the world, Ive skiid in
denim socks, Ive climbed Everest
with diamond mittens. You
understand what Im saying?
METHOD MAN
I think theres a Big and Tall down
the block that I saw. Thanks
though, Kanye.
INT. WHITE HOUSE DINING ROOM - NIGHT
A long dining table is set up with plates and silverware.
Name cards over each plate.
The table has settings for about 75 people.
The Shkrel walks around and collects a number of buckets from
the dining room.
THE SHKREL
Not tonight, Bieber. Not tonight.
INT. WHITE HOUSE KITCHEN - NIGHT
The Shkrel approaches GUY FIERI, the chef for the evening.
GUY FIERI
Shit is looking tasty!
THE SHKREL
Whats on the menu?
34.
GUY FIERI
Gonna start off with some hot wings
dipped deep into a Mountain
Dew/Cheese Wiz Pure.
Guy signals to a batch of wings, a case of Mountain Dew and
about 100 bottles of Cheese Whiz.
GUY FIERI (CONTD)
Then Im gonna slam these bastards
with my Nickel(Baby)Back Rib
platter with a side of Kroger sauce
and top them off with Bleach
Blondies dessert with a sprinkling
of my soul patch hair on top.
THE SHKREL
Sounds amazing, man.
Guy stares at The Shkrel.
Food is no joke to Guy Fieri, eating shitty and dying his
hair with peroxide is a way of life, this is how he will live
and how he will die.
GUY FIERI
It is amazing. It really is.
THE SHKREL
Okay. So it will be done around 8
you think?
GUY FIERI
Oh yeah, have them eating by 8,
shitting heavy blood by 8:15. The
American fucking dream!
Guy Fieri and The Shkrel hug deeply, there is a frothing in
the air, a condensation, could be the totally platonic maleto-male affection or it could be the excitement over the
Mountain Dew wings, nobody will ever know for sure.
The entire Wu-Tang Clan, Bill Murray and Xzibit sit in the
limo holding glasses of champagne.
35.
BILL MURRAY
Everyone before I turn the floor of
this beautiful Hummer Limo over to
the RZA, I would just like to say
the same thing about this night
that I said on the set of
Caddyshack. Im not sure if this is
going to work... But if it does,
the world will never be the same.
Salud.
Salud!
WU-TANG CLAN
RZA
Look, I dont get emotional too
often and all that shit, I havent
had any condensation in my eyes
since early 97 but weve been
together a long time, there is
something special about this group
right here... Fuck that, we aint a
group, were family... The Wu-Tang
Clan... And Bill Murray. And if you
ask me, if we lasted through the
streets of Brooklyn, the streets of
Staten Island during the poorest
years of our lives than how the
fuck is some entitled white boy
gonna crush us now?
The Wu raise their glasses and cheers again, they chug their
drinks.
RZA (CONTD)
Good luck to everyone tonight.
Lets do it for the Shaolin.
The boys get out of the car. Bill Murray stays behind.
RZA (CONTD)
Arent you coming, Bill Murray?
BILL MURRAY
Ive done all I could do, this is
your fight now. See you on the
other side.
RZA
Hey Bill... Incase we dont make it
out, what did you say in that big
booty chicks ear at the end of
Lost in Translation?
36.
Bill Murray gets close to RZA and whispers in his ear.
RZA (CONTD)
Damn! And she didnt slap you for
that? Good on you, Bill Murray. You
a perv.
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE FOYER - NIGHT
The DOORBELL rings. The Shkrel answers for his first guest,
KIM JONG UN.
Kim Jong Un holds up a six pack of Mikes Hard Lemonade.
KIM JONG UN
Did you think I was joking, bitch?
They hug and The Shkrel takes Kims coat.
KIM JONG UN (CONTD)
Im pumped for this. I was
listening to Wu the whole ride
over. Cash Rules everything around
me. CREAM! So awesome. Got me
fully hard, riding around D.C. With
3 inches like it aint nothing.
THE SHKREL
Can I get you anything? A drink? An
appetizer?
KIM JONG UN
No Im good, I had some Sour Patch
Kids on the plane ride over, its
so funny how they are sour and then
like crazy sweet.
INT. THE SEWER - NIGHT
Inspectah Deck is below the ground waiting near the power
grid. He talks into the walkie on his collar.
INSPECTAH DECK
Im in position.
RZA
Great. Everything looking good down
there?
37.
INSPECTAH DECK
Its dark down here yo. Not that
Im scared of the dark, you just
never know. Certain things in this
world are unexplainable.
Copy that.
RZA
INSPECTAH DECK
Just got me thinking about a lot of
things.
RZA
I hear you, man.
RZA?
Yeah?
INSPECTAH DECK
RZA
INSPECTAH DECK
Are monsters real?
EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT
GZA has his laptop set up as he hacks into the security cam
of the white house front yard. He walkies down.
GZA
Kim Jong just showed up. Raul
Castro came in after him, the dude
brought his dad. Bringin your pops
to a party, straight embarrassing.
RAEKWON
Tell us when we are safe to make a
move.
GZA
Raekwon, use Bill Murrays key card
he stole from the Shkrel to enter
the white house from the side in 30
seconds. That will put you directly
into the kitchen.
Raekwon is in his chefs outfit.
A tourist walks around the White House and recognizes
Raekown.
38.
TOURIST
Arent you Raekwon?
Raekwon punches the tourist in the face. The Tourist is
completely knocked out on the ground.
RAEKWON
Sorry about that, trying to keep a
low profile.
Ghostface, Masta Killa, and U-GOD are in fully padded body
suits. Almost like a Klumps style fat suit.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Yo. Why are we in all this padding?
This doesnt seem right.
GZA
Um... No reason.
GZA presses the button and the alarm sounds on the front
sending out the dogs.
The dogs run towards Ghostface, U-GOD and Masta and tackle
them to the ground.
With the guards distracted, Raekwon gets inside no problem.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
You bastards. We were just pawns in
your game.
MASTA KILLA
These dogs wont stop biting. This
is intense pain. Guys?... Hello?
Whats the plan from here.
Ghostface, U-GOD and Masta are on the ground in padded
outfits being attacked by dogs. Nobody helps.
U-GOD
We are going to have a serious chat
about this when all is said and
done.
Raekwon walks seamlessly through the kitchen nodding at other
staff members and blending in nicely.
As Raekwon turns the corner he bumps into Guy Fieris
shoulder.
39.
Guy Fieri checks the back of Raekwons neck.
GUY FIERI
No sunglasses on the back of your
neck, who are you? Youre not one
of my guys.
RAEKWON
Im the white house sous chef.
Guy Fieri studies Raekwon suspiciously. He goes to the oven
and pulls out an absurdly giant burger, the size of a dining
room table.
This is the Ultimate FUCK YOU BURGER filled with...
- Onion rings
- Chicken fingers
- Mozzarella sticks
- Jalapeno poppers
- A waffle
- Another smaller mini-burger filled with mini versions of
all those things.
And enough sauces to fill a fucking baby pool. Its
disgusting.
GUY FIERI
Go ahead, take a bite.
Raekwon is reluctant.
RAEKWON
Well, I dont know, I sort of just
ate and...
GUY FIERI
Bite that giant burger right now.
This is not an option motherfucker.
Raekwon starts to sweat.
GUY FIERI (CONTD)
Youre not a Food and Drug
administration NARC are you?
RAEKWON
I aint no narc.
40.
Raekwon gets close to the burger and takes a bite. He
painfully swallows.
Guy Fieri gets great pleasure out of watching this bite.
GUY FIERI
Hmmm... Guess you dont work for
the FDA... Lets get to work.
Raekwon releases a sigh of relief.
GUY FIERI (CONTD)
You ever cook mozzarella cheese in
bacon fat before?
Nope.
RAEKWON
GUY FIERI
Fuckin rookie.
The Shkrel dings his glass. The world leaders take their
seats.
Method Man sits at a seat with a name-card that says NAM
DOHTEM: PRESIDENT OF GHANA.
Method wears an ill-fitted suit that still has the Big & Tall
tag on the back of it. He also has on a soul-patch which
completely disguises him from anyone knowing hes Method Man.
THE SHKREL
Id like to thank everyone for
coming tonight. We are all leaders
in our own right, me probably more
than others. For example when I was
in the frat SAE at Upenn I was the
leader in going down on chicks for
the longest. Marissa Baron for
almost 71 hours. Ask her. Its
true. Almost had to amputate my
tongue. Cramped right up. But
enough about my pussy eating
skills. Unless you want to hear
more?
Nobody responds.
41.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
Right. Moving on. Its all in my
blog anyway, so if you are
curious...
METHOD MAN
When are we going to hear the WuTang album?
THE SHKREL
Im sorry, am I boring you with my
tales of cunnilingus? Patience is a
virtue, Mr...
METHOD MAN
Nam Dohtem, President of Ghana.
THE SHKREL
Ghana. Forgive me, where is that
again?
METHOD MAN
Ugh... Left...
The GZA sees Method Man struggling on his monitor and talks
into his ear.
GZA
Method, repeat after me, left of
Chad, below Algeria.
METHOD MAN
Left of Chad, below Algeria.
THE SHKREL
Very interesting. Well...
A pigeon starts to bother GZA on the roof.
GZA
Pigeons fucking everywhere...
INT. WHITE HOUSE DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
METHOD MAN
(repeating)
Pigeons fucking everywhere.
42.
THE SHKREL
(frustrated)
GREAT, fascinating information
about birds in your country... Well
I want to welcome...
GZA screams when the pigeon nips at his fingers.
INT. WHITE HOUSE DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
METHOD MAN
(copying GZA)
AHHHHHH.
THE SHKREL
What is your problem?
METHOD MAN
Sorry sir, in Ghana its customary
to scream in the face of those you
respect. Would you excuse me?
The Shkrel eyes Method Man suspiciously.
THE SHKREL
Sure. Then we eat. If I dont get
some Mounty Dew sauce in me right
now Im gonna lose it. Need that
thick green carbonation.
Method Man excuses himself from the table.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
Hey, wait a second...
The Shkrel stares deeply at Method Man.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
Dont I know you from somewhere?
Ugh.
have
Meet
shot
METHOD MAN
No I dont think so. I did
a small cameo in the third
the Fockers film which they
partly in Ghana.
THE SHKREL
Thats it. Love those Fockers
movies.
43.
Method Man takes a deep breath and leaves the table.
Guy Fieri is in a puddle of his own sweat as he devours the
bowl of wings in front of him.
The giant burger is all but gone except for a few scraps.
GUY FIERI
Tell The Shkrel the dinner is going
to be a little late.
RAEKWON
Yes chef, Ill tell him right away.
GUY FIERI
This always happens, I cook
everything then eat it all and have
to cook it again. I am a very
successful glutton.
RAEKWON
Yes you are chef.
Raekwon leaves Guy Fieri to wither away in his own waste and
walks towards the back door of the kitchen.
Raekwon opens the back door and RZA slips in without being
noticed.
As the door closes you can still see Ghostface Killah, U-GOD
and Masta Killa being attacked by dogs outside.
RZA
(into walkie)
Im in.
GZA
Remember if anyone asks, you are
Don Cheadle. I feel like he
probably has full access to White
House amenities.
Copy.
RZA
The RZA and Raekwon exit the kitchen.
44.
GZA
(over walkie)
Meet Method Man in the Vice
Presidents office on the second
level. We need to find something
with Biebers fingerprint on it so
we can get into the Oval office.
The world leaders sit at the table. The food is not there
yet. They are growing impatient. They try to have small talk.
KIM JONG UN
SO... Anyone have any good torture
stories?
THE SHKREL
I sent the Supreme court justices a
tape of me farting for an hour.
The crowd loves it.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
Its so funny! They cant say
anything to me cause Im like the
president, so they have to be like
Thanks for this! Those fucking
idiots.
KIM JONG UN
Im considering charging a fine for
my people to use a toilet next
year. Gives a whole new meaning to
shitty taxes!
The table loses their minds, this is one of the funniest
jokes of all time. Kim Jong is delightfully evil and he dont
give a shit!
FIDEL CASTRO
Youre funny man. Really funny.
KIM JONG UN
I must confess I had my cousin Bing
Pon Un punch up some of my material
before I cam here tonight.
INT. THE VICE PRESIDENTS OFFICE - NIGHT
RZA, Raekown and Method Man desperately look through drawers
trying to get something with Biebers fingerprint on it.
45.
RZA
Nothing even in these drawers but
song lyrics?
RZA takes out a lyrics sheet.
RZA (CONTD)
(reading lyrics)
Baby, when I close my eyes I dream
of your perfect smile and I want to
meet your parents and be close with
your extended family...??
METHOD MAN
Shit, music really is dead yo.
JUSTIN BIEBER
Sorry Im not rapping about
slinging crack on the street... Can
I help you guys with something?
Bieber rolls up to them on one of those things everyone calls
a hoverboard but they arent really hoverboards cause they
dont hover.
RZA
Meth, grab him.
JUSTIN BIEBER
I wouldnt do that.
The fake hoverboard pulls back and he starts to spin in a
circle.
Bieber gets into a karate stance.
METHOD MAN
What you gonna do little man?
Serenade me? Squirt Pro-Activ in my
eyes?
RZA
You gonna dance our asses out of
here?
JUSTIN BIEBER
Me? Im not going to do anything...
Its the Beliebers you have to
worry about...
Justin pushes a red button his desk and a large door opens
from the side.
46.
JUSTIN BIEBER (CONTD)
And they arent tweens anymore.
Theyre fully grown and they are
all pent up.
A thousand screaming late twenties/early thirties men and
women run out of the door and surround the Wu.
RZA
We trained our whole lives for
this...
RZA, Raekwon and Method Man get in kung-fu stances, the
Beliebers lunge at them.
RZA roundhouse kicks three of them in a row onto the ground.
Method Man pulls out his toy Lightsaber and bashes a fragile
boy with hair like Bieber into the wall.
Raekwon does a jackhammer motion into the heads of anyone
that comes near him.
No matter how much they fight, the Beliebers keep coming.
A group of girls with Leave it to Bieber shirts hold RZAs
arms back and punch him repeatedly in the stomach.
A burly man way too old to be a Belieber has Raekwon in a
headlock and puts him to sleep.
They try to fight back but the Beliebers are just too strong.
A skinny lady Belieber cracks Method Mans Lightsaber in half
and chokes him out.
Bieber pisses in a bucket next to the fight.
THE SHKREL
And then me and Wilmer Valderrama
made everyone at the mall smell our
fingers for $50 each!
Guy Fieri comes out with the food.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
About fucking time.
As Guy places the food down he eyes it like hes never eaten
before.
47.
GUY FIERI
Do you mind?
Guy grabs for The Shkrels food. The Shkrel slaps his hand
away.
THE SHKREL
Dont you dare.
Justin Bieber walks into the dining room and whispers
something into The Shkrels ear.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
Take care of them. NOW.
KIM JONG UN
Something wrong, Mr. Shkrel?
THE SHKREL
Nope. Nothing at all. Enjoy your
meal. If it tastes anything like
how it smells, we will ALL be
farting on a tape to the Supreme
court tonight.
PUTIN
From your lips to Gods ears.
GZA desperately tries to find the boys on the security cams.
They are nowhere.
He tries his binoculars, he notices the guys are no longer
being attacked by dogs, they have disappeared.
GZA
(walkie)
RZA? Meth? Where are you guys. If
this is one of your classic Wu-Tang
pranks, Im not laughing. Like the
time you put Saran wrap over the
toilet seat and...
GZA feels a tap on his shoulder.
GZA (CONTD)
Thank God, I thought...
When GZA turns around its five members of the secret service
pointing guns at him.
48.
Bill Murray and XZIBIT are having a full on intense game of
ping pong in the front of the limo.
XZIBIT
Forget the ping pong table they
said. We wont use the ping pong
table they said. Idiots.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN - NIGHT
U-GOD walks around pick-pocketing different tourists on the
White House lawn.
He finds an Applebees gift card in one of the wallets.
U-GOD
Yes. The Gods are smiling down on
me today!
INT. WHITE HOUSE HOLDING CELL - NIGHT
RZA, Method man and Raekwon are tied up in chairs in a
holding cell.
The secret service members bring in GZA, Ghostface Killah, UGod and Masta Killa. They are also tied up and left in the
room.
RAEKWON
Thats it. Its over. The world is
going to end because of the Wu-Tang
Clan.
The guards leave and lock the cell behind them.
METHOD MAN
Dont say that, we can still get
out of this, we can do anything.
RZA
Oh shut the fuck up Method Man, why
dont you go do another sitcom with
RedMan, you sellout.
METHOD MAN
Says the motherfucker whos so far
up Tarantinos ass he knows about
the quinoa salad he had for lunch.
49.
RZA
Maybe if you respected your body as
a temple you would try a little
quinoa you chubby bitch.
METHOD MAN
Chubby?! I have a most improved at
CrossFit medal at home. Ive done
mud runs.
RZA tries to lunge at Method Man from his chair.
RAEKWON
All you motherfuckers is corny as
Hell, up there acting on stage and
screen like a couple of sissies...
Everyone starts to argue at once, the insults fly fast and
hard around the room.
The lights flicker in the room. The sounds of a ghost are
once again heard.
GHOST OF ODB
Shimmy Shimmy...
The THUNDER claps again and the Ghost of ODB appears.
The Wu scream in terror!
GHOST OF ODB (CONTD)
You guys. You guys. Dont you get
it? This is exactly what they want
from us. They want to split us
apart. Our power comes from being
together as a team.
RZA
Its over Dirty, we got pinched.
GHOST OF ODB
Its never over, do not rest, just
go with what you know, and do what
you do best... I still got it!
METHOD MAN
Youre like if Dr. Seuss was on
welfare and had unprotected sex
with unsavory women of the night.
50.
GHOST OF ODB
Youre exactly right!... Shit I
gotta run, I have to take my angel
children to Heaven-soccer practice.
Im domesticated and shit now.
RAEKWON
Bye, Dirty!
The Ghost disappears.
RZA
Do what we do best? What does he
mean by that?
METHOD MAN
Smoke weed and watch cartoons?
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Sell dope on a street corner in
Staten Island?
U-GOD
Study countless years to learn the
art of making balloon animals so
maybe one day you can work up the
courage to apply for a job at the
Barnum and Bailey circus? I mean
Ive never done that... What? Shut
up guys.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Thats weird, bro.
RAEKWON
I think he means we need to rap our
way out... Masta, drop a beat.
Masta Killa starts beatboxing.
RAEKWON (CONTD)
Yo, we stuck in the cell and we
gone through Hell, we gotta save
that album or the world will fail.
Method jumps in...
METHOD MAN
Its quite the debacle to be stuck
in these shackles, if we dont save
the world well never hear another
child cackle...
51.
RZA
That was deep yo... I aint never
scared, my stomach never gets a pit
cause at the end of the day, WuTang Clan aint nothin to fuck
wit...
WU-TANG CLAN
Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthin' To Fuck
With, Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthin' To
Fuck With, Wu-Tang Clan Ain't
Nuthin' To Fuck With...
Suddenly a DOOR opens. A silhouette of a man enters the room.
WU-TANG CLAN (CONTD)
Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthin' To Fuck
With, Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthin' To
Fuck With, Wu-Tang Clan Ain't
Nuthin' To Fuck With...
RZA
HOLY SHIT. HE IS ALIVE.
The man is revealed to be TUPAC SHAKUR.
TUPAC SHAKUR
Thought I heard you guys, welcome
to my Thug Mansion.
Tupac starts to untie the Wu.
All the world leaders are slumped over, they can barely keep
their eyes open. Their plates are empty.
Kim Jong Un unbuttons his pants and takes off his belt.
KIM JONG UN
That was a lot of fucking food.
PUTIN
My eyes are sweating.
FIDEL CASTRO
You Americans are honestly fucking
pigs.
Fidel giggles as he lights a cigar.
Guy Fieri runs out.
52.
GUY FIERI
Hope you guys saved room for
dessert.
The LOUD MOANS of the dinner table echo through the dining
room.
THE SHKREL
Shall we go and listen to the album
now?
RAUL CASTRO
Absolutely. Lets just take a quick
15 minute power nap. Too much food.
FIDEL CASTRO
Full disclosure, I shit my jeans
after the second course.
Same.
Ditto.
PUTIN
PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA
INT. SEWERS - NIGHT

Inspectah Deck waits underground still.
INSPECTAH DECK
Guys? Havent heard anything in a
while. Just gonna keep waiting I
guess?
Inspectah tries his walkie but he gets nothing back.
Hello?
INSPECTAH DECK (CONTD)
He tries his walkie again.

INSPECTAH DECK (CONTD)
Im NOT scared at all, just wish
someone would say something. Im
more worried about you than me.
Its just very dark down here and
call me crazy but I feel like this
may be where Big Foot rests his
head at night... Guys?
53.
INT. WHITE HOUSE HALLS - NIGHT
Tupac and the WU shoot dice against a marble wall. They put
cash in the middle of them.
RZA
So youve really been alive this
whole time?
Tupac rolls a 4,5,6 and grabs the cash from the middle of the
cirlce. The boys ante up again.
TUPAC SHAKUR
Yep. The white house recruited me
for their conspiracy theories wing
back in 97, I live on the fake moon
landing set with Andy Kaufman and
Elvis.
METHOD MAN
Now thats some shit.
Method Man gives Tupac a reaffirming pat on the back.
TUPAC SHAKUR
Besides, do you have any idea how
much more money you can make dead
than living? I made 9 million
dollars just off California Love on
iTunes this year alone...
Tupac rolls the dice.
TUPAC SHAKUR (CONTD)
TRIPS motherfucker, pay up!
Suddenly a body lands on Tupacs shoulders. Legs wrapped
around his neck, his neck is snapped and his limp body falls
to the ground.
Justin Bieber just cracked Tupacs neck.
METHOD MAN
Oh shit. Tupac is dead... again.
GZA
Justin Bieber just killed Tupac.
Thats fucked up on so many levels.
JUSTIN BIEBER
You guys are pissing me off, now
who wants to get pissed ON?
Bieber stands back and starts to pee on the floor.
54.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Goddamn! Hes trying to pee on us.
That aint right. Thats
disgusting.
RZA
Ive had enough.
RZA falls back so he can get a bit of a runway, then he
starts to sprint.
RZA raises up and is fully in the air doing a bicycle kick
like Liu Kang, he keeps kicking Bieber in the chest until
they reach the end of the hallway.
The RZA keeps KICKING AND KICKING AND KICKING Bieber in the
chest against a wall until Justin Biebers HEAD EXPLODES all
over the presidential hallway.
When Bieber dies its like a bright flame goes out over the
world.
- Various shots around the country of teen girls knowing
something is not right in the universe now that Bieber is
dead.
- Twitter explodes into flames.
- The room of Beliebers start to come to their senses.
BELIEBER
Its over... Were free.
BACK TO THE WU
GZA
(walkie)
Xzibit, were gonna need that bassblast in five minutes.
XZIBIT
Copy that. Just installing a fully
automated fireworks machine in here
incase we end up needing it.
Okay?
GZA
55.
The world leaders are all asleep on the table.
A private alarm starts to ring on The Shkrels phone. He
shoots his head up.
THE SHKREL
The fuck is going on here?
The Shkrel walks to the closest red phone and picks it up.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
Get me the Secretary of Defense.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
(on phone)
Hello, Mr. President.
THE SHKREL
The white house is being
compromised, I need the army here
right now. And also lets bomb a
third world country and give a gun
to every man, woman and child in
America.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
That last part seems kind of odd.
THE SHKREL
DONT FUCKING QUESTION ME. So help
me God if I see a kid without a gun
tomorrow morning, its going to be
your ass.
The Shkrel enters a secret passcode on the wall and leaves
down an elevator shaft.
INT. THE SHKREL CAVE - NIGHT
The Shkrel cave is similar to the bat cave but a bit nerdier.
- Weapons on the wall.
- Cases of Armor
- Expensive cars
- Cardboard replicas of his favorite super villains; The
Joker, Lex Luthor, himself wearing a cape.
56.
THE SHKREL
You guys want a super villain?
Thats what youre gonna get.
INT. HALL OF PRESIDENTS - NIGHT
The WU drag Biebers body with them to the oval office.
RZA
This motherfucker is heavy. My back
is killing me.
GZA
Have you tried hot yoga? Its done
wonders for my spine.
METHOD MAN
Lets just leave him. Unless we
want to sell his body on Ebay or
something like that?
RZA
We need his fingerprint to get into
the Oval office.
An ALARM starts to blare through the hallways.
ALARM SPEAKERS
Trespassers in the white house. We
are on full lock down. I repeat
full lock down. This is not a
drill.
The boys start to drag faster.
The sound of the alarm wakes up the dozens of world leaders.
They get up from their seats and try to find The Shkrel.
PUTIN
This could be it. World War 3. Im
ready. I think this whole dinner
was a trap.
KIM JONG UN
I want to admit something if were
going to die... I like the new
batch of Sandler movies better than
the old ones.
57.
FIDEL CASTRO
What?! Are you fucking high.
KIM JONG UN
I needed to get this off my chest,
I think Grown ups is better than
Billy Madison.
PUTIN
You really are out of your mind.
RAUL CASTRO
Total psychopath.
The world leaders start to run through the halls.
INT. THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
The WU continue to drag Biebers lifeless body towards the
oval office.
They pick his hand up and use his finger to gain access into
the Oval Office.
ACCESS GRANTED. The door opens.
INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
GZA
(into walkie)
Xzibit, hit that bass in 60
seconds.
Will do.
XZIBIT
METHOD MAN
This is it guys, the military is
going to show up any minute.
EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN - NIGHT
The entire military is at the scene but they are distracted
by something.
Thousands of soldiers, tanks, and drones are parked in front
of an impromptu stage as Bill Murray entertains the troops.
58.
BILL MURRAY
So I says, roses are red, violets
are blue, Im a schizophrenic, and
so am I!
The troops go crazy for Bill.
MILITARY CROWD
BILL MURRAY! BILL MURRAY! BILL
MURRAY!
ARMY DUDE
Do Caddyshack!
BILL MURRAY
Oh, you guys remember that one?
Well...
Bill Murray turns away from the crowd and when he turns back
he is doing CARL SPACKLER from CaddyShack.
BILL MURRAY (CONTD)
The Dalai Llama!
The crowd goes nuts again. They forgot all about why they
were summoned in the first place.
EXT. FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
XZIBIT pulls up in the Hummer, he pops a CD into the front
and runs around back to pop his trunk.
Inside the trunk is concert sized speakers and comically
sized sub-woofers.
INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
GZA
(on walkie)
Yo, Inspectah, when I give you the
signal, pull the lever and X will
hit the bass.
Inspectah is shocked someone is on the other end.
He composes himself and talks into his walkie.
59.
INSPECTAH DECK
Hello?! GZA? Holy shit. Im so
happy right! I made up this whole
story in my mind that I dreamed the
Wu-Tang Clan ever even existed and
I thought I had been in this sewer
my entire life...
GZA
Okay?... AND PULL ON 3...2...
INT. FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
XZIBIT presses play. Wu-Tangs PROTECT YA NECK, blasts
through Washington D.C.
Inspectah pulls the power grid lever after its loosened by
the bass.
EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - NIGHT
Lights go out all over the city, apartment buildings, the
Pentagon, the Lincoln Memorial, Bill Murrays stage show and
THE WHITE HOUSE.
EXT. STREETS OF WASHINGTON - NIGHT
Wu-Tang echoes through the streets. People start to move
their bodies with the music.
INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
The sound of levers unlocking click through the room.
RZA
Behind the book case. The electric
alarms are off but we still gotta
get in.
The WU pulls the book case and finds the secret door.
GZA
Ghost, can you pick it?
60.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Gimme a Dutch Master, two nickels,
and a tag from one of yalls
shirts.
METHOD MAN
Fuckin Hood MacGyver.
The country leaders hear talking from above them and run
towards the voices.
PUTIN
Up there. Anyone sneak guns in
here?
Yep.
FIDEL CASTRO
KIM JONG UN
Of course.
PUTIN
Good. Ive had my handgun in my ass
since my jet hit Pennsylvania.
PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA
Are we sure violence is the answer
here? Maybe theres another way.
KIM JONG UN
Oh shut the fuck up, Canada. You
pussy.
INT. WU-TANG CHAMBERS VAULT - NIGHT
The Wu made it through the first door but still have 36
Chambers to get through.
MONTAGE
- Ghostface Killah gets through the first chamber.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Gimme a Dutch Master, a clump of
hair and a shoelace.
- Second chamber
GHOSTFACE KILLAH (CONTD)
Gimme a Dutch Master, a piece of
leather from you wallet and some
positive verbal reinforcement.
61.
RZA
Youre doing great, pal.
GZA
Only 33 Chambers left and were in.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
With the electricity turned off, Bill Murrays mic doesnt
work.
The military loses interest and refocuses their attention to
the white house.
SOLDIER
You suck Bill Murray.
BILL MURRAY
Uncalled for.
INT. WU-TANG ALBUM VAULT - CONTINUOUS
- The World Leaders get to the outside of the oval office,
they see Justin Biebers body and use his finger to get
inside.
- 19th Chamber
GHOSTFACE KILLAH
Gimme a Dutch Master and...
Actually guys I think I can do this
one with just a Dutch Master.
- The world leaders see the open door behind the book shelf
and follow it in.
- 36th Chamber. Ghostface fiddles around until finally it
POPS OPEN...
END MONTAGE
INT. WU-TANG ALBUM VAULT - NIGHT
The Wu-Tang Clan enter the vault. They approach the glass
with the album inside of. The Samurai sword remains in its
spot.
RZA
There it is.
62.
METHOD MAN
Its beautiful.
GZA
We did it guys, through team work
and never giving up.
RZA
Everyone say Team work on three!
Secret service and military charge towards the oval office.
As Raekwon approaches the glass with the album, the world
leaders enter the room.
Kim Jong Un cocks his gun.
KIM JONG UN
Looks like we found the intruders.
You know in my country if we find
an intruder we ban them from
hearing any of my podcasts where I
talk about North Korean life and do
funny characters such as Supreme
leaders supremely silly brother.
RZA
That punishment doesnt sound that
bad.
KIM JONG UN
IT IS BAD. People look forward to
my podcast all week long.
GZA
Dont you think its possible that
people are just telling you that so
you dont kill them?
KIM JONG UN
No. No I dont. The content is
strong.
Putin takes out a pistol.
PUTIN
Put the album down.
63.
METHOD MAN
STOP. If we are going to fight for
this. We are going to fight by the
principles of the Shaolin.
FINE.
KIM JONG UN
The world leaders line up.

The Wu-Tang Clan lines up.
Attention: What you are about to see in the next part of this
movie has never been put on film before, it is Kung-Fu in its
rawest form, clean, practiced, studied fighting inspired by
the awe-inspiring early Bruce Lee films and mixed with new
techniques that the world didnt even think were possible.
Since most of the fighting will be too fast for the human eye
to capture, I suggest buying this movie on DVD or Digital On
Demand and slowing it down yourself.
If you only see one Kung-Fu scene your entire life, this is
the one. Go run and tell your friends about this. Well wait.
The camera zooms into Kim Jong Uns eyes. The Camera Zooms
into the RZAs eyes. The lunge at each other quickly.
Method Man does a front flip into Vladamir Putin. Method
throws a roundhouse kick, Putin BLOCKS - BLOCKS - BLOCKS.
Method chops Putins neck.
The GZA sweeps Fidel Castro at the legs, they get up and go
punch for punch.
Raekwon is in a corner fending off the dozens of other world
leaders, he punches the leader of Spain and the Prime
Minister of Canada Justin Trudeau.
These motherfuckers dont stand a chance against the WU. Its
almost embarrassing.
Ghostface somersaults into Raul Castros head.
The world leaders are almost down but... THE MILITARY starts
to file in. Soldiers pour in by the dozen.
The WU gather together and become one entity, a whirling
dervish of fists and legs knocking out anyone in their
vicinity.
When the smoke clears 50+ bodies lay on the floor, The WU
stands strong.
64.
RZA
WU-TANG FOREVER.
RZA goes over to the album and picks it up off the
platform...
The room starts to shake, the walls start to rattle.
Suddenly the wall on the other side of the Shaolin album is
demolished. Torn in half.
A SUPER-SIZED Transformer like machine steps into the room.
At the top is THE SHKREL behind a control panel in the head
of the beast.
THE SHKREL
I must say boys. I am impressed. I
didnt think you had it in you.
Just a shame that you got this far
and now I have to kill you.
RZA
Why. Why are you doing this?
THE SHKREL
You said it yourselves. Youve
inspired all this. C.R.E.A.M. CASH
RULES EVERYTHING AROUND ME. CREAM.
GET THE MONEY. DOLLAR DOLLAR BILLS
YALL.
RAEKWON
Dont quote us you son of a bitch.
THE SHRKEL
Ill do what I want. Im rich.
The Shkrel gets closer to the Wu.
THE SHKREL
Its only ever been about money and
now that I have it I want more of
it. After tonight I will have the
worlds money.
RZA
I dont think so.
RZA grabs the samurai sword that lays in front of the album,
he cocks it back and runs full force into the Shkrels
machine.
The sword snaps in half.
65.
The large Shkrel machine starts to pound towards the WU. RZA
puts his fingers in his mouth and does a unique melodic
whistle.
The Wu-Tang Clan starts to shake, they look like they are
having a seizure.
Inspectah Deck starts to shake as well. His body evaporates
into a swarm of killer bees that fly out of the sewer.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN - NIGHT
U-GODs body turns into the bees as well and heads towards
the white house.
The rest of the WU turn to killer bees and form one GIANT W.
They pause for a second...
THE SHKREL
What the fuck is this?
They fly into the Shkrels facemask stinging him thousands of
times.
THE SHKREL (CONTD)
NO! NO! Im allergic to bees.
The machine takes a knee, it can no longer be controlled.
THE SHRKEL
Stop! Ill be good. Im sorry for
being a dick.
The cold lifeless body of The Shkrel falls out of the robot.
The bees form in the center again and re-take the human form
as The Wu-Tang Clan.
Wu-Tang starts to get up and circle The Shkrel.
WU-TANG CLAN
WU-TANG CLAN AINT NOTHIN TO FUCK
WIT, WU-TANG CLAN AINT NOTHIN TO
FUCK WIT, WU-TANG CLAN AINT NOTHIN
TO FUCK WIT.
66.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
The Wu emerges from the underground bunker of the white house
to much celebration.
Citizens, military, news channels and the rest of the world
cheer for them.
CNN ANCHOR
It seems the Shrkels reign has
finally come to an end as nine
rappers from Brooklyn and Bill
Murray have killed him and Justin
Bieber.
RZA
We saved the world!
They get close to the Hummer Limo and open the Wu-Tang Once
Upon A Time In the Shaolin. It shimmers gold into the sky.
RZA (CONTD)
Yo news people, make sure this
music spreads to the country. Dont
fuck up.
XZIBIT takes the album and pops into the Hummer. The first
track starts and the world is floored. People have never
heard anything like this.
The tracks inspire people to work harder, to be better.
A LIGHT shines over D.C. People pick themselves up from the
street. They straighten out their clothes.
People start applying for jobs.
Bright flowers start to grow out of the cracks in the
sidewalks.
Its going to be a better tomorrow.
XZIBIT sets off fireworks into the sky from the limo.
The GHOST of ODB comes back and gives the Wu-Tang Clan a big
thumbs up.
GHOST OF ODB
Congratulations boys.
He waves at them but SUDDENLY a STREAM OF BLUE ELECTRICITY
starts to shake the ghost of ODB.
67.
GHOST OF ODB (CONTD)
AHHHH. HELP. STOP IT.
Its revealed that Bill Murray is wearing a proton pack and
blasting ODB.
BILL MURRAY
Sorry, old habits die hard!
Everyone in the crowd laughs. Bill Murray still got it!
And so it went, the Once Upon a
Time in the Shaolin album saved
the world. America got back on
track. Bill Murray became president
and all was right again.
Wu-Tang gets on the stage that Bill Murray was using and the
beat to C.R.E.A.M drops.
The crowd cheers into the night.
THE WU-TANG CLAN SAVED THE WORLD.
THE END!
OR IS IT?...
68.
Through the oval office, into the 36 Chambers, down the
vault...
Underneath the rubble, the body armor of the Shkrel pulses
with the beat of the music outside.
The swollen bee-stung face of the Shkrel is limp until, HIS
EYES OPEN. HES ALIVE AND HE WANTS REVENGE ON THE WU.

Once Upon A Time in The Shaolin

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Once Upon A Time in The Shaolin

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ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE SHAOLIN

A WU-TANG CLAN HEIST FILM

MY THOUGHTS MUST BE RELAXED, BE ABLE TO MAINTAIN/CAUSE TIMES

Method Man looks around.

Method Man takes off his shirt.

Raekwon gets up and walks back towards the kitchen.

EXT. BILL MURRAYS MANSION - NIGHT

Trump flips his cards.

GZA is on his laptop.

The RZA and Raekwon exit the kitchen.

INT. SEWERS - NIGHT

INSPECTAH DECK (CONTD)

He tries his walkie again.

The world leaders line up.

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