Codependence (Adult-Child within

)
by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D.
‡Lost self hood ‡The child in hiding ‡Living off the false self

We are our Real Self only 15 minutes a day. 96% of the families in the USA are dysfunctional.

NEED FOR REDISCOVERING AND LIVING BY THE TRUE SELF!

We Become Codependent ‡ When we turn responsibility for our life and happiness over 1. To our ego (false self), and 2. to other people, and things

We Become Codependent when - (contd.)

We become so preoccupied with the other that we neglect our True-Self who we really are. The other may be:‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ People, Places, Things, Behaviors Experiences.

‡We escape from the pain of everyday life.
‡ Our very Role Models and Proto Types are dysfunctional.

‡ We are dependent on External Sources for Self-Worth & Self-Definition

Codependency
ARISES FROM NOT BEING IN HARMONY WITH THE UNIVERSE. DIS-EASE OF THE SPIRIT

Dependent
‡ Means relying on and requiring the aid of another for support. ‡ Children are dependent on their parents. ‡ Being µCO¶ dependent means that two people are dependent on each other emotionally. ‡ That doesn¶t sound so bad.

Dependent
‡

(contd.)

But the problem is when the dependency is hurtful, emotionally stunted and/or keeps one or both stuck.

‡

When you just never seem to be able to say µNo¶ when you really don¶t want to do something, then that makes you co-dependent!

‡

It could be because you feel that people won¶t like you unless you are doing favors' for them.

Dependent

(contd.)

‡ Your family won¶t love you, your co-workers won¶t respect you ± doing things for others makes you a good person. ‡ You are dependent on others for your personal self esteem and respect.

‡ Learning that your needs are important is a huge lesson.

Codependency involves
A habitual system of

Thinking, Feeling, Behaving

Toward others and ourselves that can cause pain.

Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive.

‡

We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves;

‡

We react by learning to destroy ourselves., destructive relationships that don't work. These behaviors can sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked.

Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive«..(cont)
‡ These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives.... ourselves. ‡ These behaviors belong to the only person we can change.. ourselves. These are our problems.

Healthy Dependence vs. Unhealthy Dependence

In Healthy Dependence And Independence we Are In a Harmonious Relationships ‡With our self, ‡Safe others ‡And our Higher Power

Healthy Dependence
‡ ‡ ‡ We ask for and accept help when needed and appropriate. We feel safe and secure in the relationship. We trust. The relationship is an intimate one ± each person is real. Each person in the relationship is whole, i.e. we are aware and care for ourself on all levels:physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. 

  

Healthy Dependence
‡ ‡ It includes sharing.

(contd.)

It is reciprocal. Each supports the other, and accepts the other for who they are. It also means being flexible and having healthy boundaries. There is no manipulation, not trying to get things indirectly. Asks for help directly.

‡

‡

Unhealthy Dependence
‡ Has difficulty asking for and accepting help. ‡ This may be because they have been hurt many times in the past when they reached out. ‡ In the unhealed state, they do not experience the full dimensions of their physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.

Unhealthy Dependence (contd.)
The relationship is unidirectional, only one giving or both closed and not giving or not being supportive or enabling of the other¶s needs and even not accepting of the other. They are rigid and manipulative ± indirectly trying to influence and get control.

Unhealthy Dependence (contd.)
The relationship is unidirectional, only one giving or both closed and not giving or not being supportive or enabling of the other¶s needs and even not accepting of the other. They are rigid and manipulative ± indirectly trying to influence and get control.

How does it happen?
The emotional trauma of early childhood affects a person as an adult. These early childhood emotional wounds, and the subconscious attitudes adopted because of them, would dictate the adult s reaction to, and path through life. Thus we walk around looking like and trying to act like adults, while reacting to life out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of childhood.

How does it happen? (contd.)
We keep repeating the patterns of abandonment, abuse, and deprivation that we experienced in childhood.
THE CHILD¶S VULNERABLE SELF IS WOUNDED ,SO OFTEN THAT TO PROTECT IT¶S TRUE SELF, IT DEFENSIVELY SUBMERGES (SPLITS OFF) ITSELF DEEP WITHIN THE UNCONSCIOUS PART OF THE PSYCHE..

How does it happen? (contd.)
‡ A large part of what we identify as our personality is in fact a distorted view of who we really are due to the type of behavioural defenses we adopted to fit the role or roles we were forced to assume according to the dynamics of our family system. Wounded Inadequate parents pass it on to Vulnerable children, who accept and internalize the parent's projected inadequacy.

‡

How does it happen (contd.)
‡ THE CHILD GOES INTO HIDING!
‡ The Primary Environment in the family system which is part of the larger emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional society ,which is part of a civilization that is based on false beliefs about the nature and purpose of being a Human Being.

How does it happen (contd)
‡ The Child¶s respect and integrity are compromised by physical or other threats.

Ironically, many clues in childhood indicating codependence-in-the-making are highly valued and rewarded ± e.g. compliance, overly willing to please, easily yielding to other¶s wishes ± said to be µgood kid¶.

A tension builds:

BETWEEN TRUE SELF & FALSE SELF

KEEPING SELF ESTEEM LOW

THE CHILD¶S GRIEVING IS NOT SUPPORTED

Co-dependence is different from Interdependence
‡ Co-dependence is giving away power over our selfesteem- taking our Self -definition & Self-worth from outside. We make that our higher power. Then I become a VICTIM. We are driven by repressed emotional energy from childhood wounds. We keep trying to get healthy attention & affection which we did not get in childhood. We do not identify or address our own needs & desires.

‡

‡

‡

CO-DEPENDENCE CAN BE DISGUISED AS:
Rescuers (Helping Others) People Pleasers Over achievers (To fill emptiness due to loss of true self.) Perfectionists (Driven by fear of failure) Victims, Martyrs, Selfish, Bullies, addictive, Compulsive

How does it happen? (contd.)
We never learnt about our personal power. We simply were not shown, taught or allowed to claim & use it. To survive, we gave our power away & may still be giving it away.

PERSONAL POWER=

AWARENESS (of our inner life) + Responsibility (for our inner life)

How does it happen? (contd.)
As children we gave away our Personal Power to:
‡Parents, Educational System,Organised Religion, ‡ People who did not accept us as an Unique True Self: Colleagues & Peers, Experts, Authority Figures, ‡Chemical, Food, Addictions, Law enforcement Systems, ‡ Media, Helping Professional & ‡Our Ego (false self) the most incompetent of all.

IT SHOWS AS ILLNESS
PHYSICAL
What we do not grieve ,acts out in problematic ways- e.g.

Anger unexpressed, shows as:‡ depression, ‡ compulsion, ‡ addiction Fear unexpressed, shows as:‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ anxiety insomnia sexual dysfunction stress.

IT SHOWS AS ILLNESS
PSYCHOLOGICAL ‡ Dissociating- Complex defense against emotional pain. ‡ Projective Identification-More complex. Projecting parts of self into an object. e.g. If I am angry, I do not want to feel or handle that feeling, and unconsciously dump it on another. If the other gets angry I do not have to own it.

IT SHOWS AS ILLNESS
SPIRITUAL
‡ Denies need for relationship with Higher Power, Hides self-hate, shame & guilt under love of another. ‡ Assumes that there is only limited amount of love to go around.

Two Roads: TRUE or FALSE self
If we choose True Self we ,we can realize ‡ SELF KNOWLEDGE , ‡ GROWTH & ‡ SERENITY. As we live the unfolding divine mystery of being our true self in Experiential Connection with our Higher Power.

RECOVERY

UNEARTHING THE TRUE SELF MAKING THE UNCONSCIOS CONSCIOUS Codependence is not only an escape from reality but also a SEARCH: STARTS WITH SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS & FULFILMENT OUTSIDE OURSELF THEN BECOMES A SEARCH FOR INNER WHOLENESS.

Recovery (contd.)
‡
‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ ‡

BEGINS THE MOMENT WE ADMIT POWELESSNESS AND REACH FOR HELP OUTSIDE OUR FALSE SELF
Shift our way of thinking Discover & practice being our true self Identify our mental, physical, emotional & spiritual needs Practice getting those needs met Identify and grieve the pain of our ungrieved losses in the presence of safe people Identify and work through core issues

Develop Recovery Plan
(Core of our being is LOVE)
Become Co-Creator Join True Self With Higher Power in Loving harmony
LONG TERM GOAL SELF AWARENESS: Identity as separate from others SELF ACCEPTANCE ‡Practice getting needs met ‡IDENTIFY & PROCESS INTERNAL CUES (feelings, experiences from inner life) ‡Assess feelings< conflicts and handle them in a healthy way ‡Learn to like myself and eventually love myself as my higher power loves me

Recovery Plan (contd.)
SELF RESPONSIBILITY
‡ Identify, re-experience and grieve the pain of any ungrieved losses, hurts ,mistreatments alone and with safe others. Identify and work through major core issues Grieve loss of my childhood in group Develop & use ongoing Support System

‡ ‡ ‡

Recovery Plan (contd.)
SELF REFLECTION No Hurry No need to reach every Goal perfectly. Make my own Personal Goals for myself. Continue telling my story to safe people. Meditation, Keeping journal

ESSENTIALS FOR RECOVERY
‡Handling Distraction ‡Learning to live from inner life ‡Learning about feelings- A major Crucial Part Get down on the floor and wrestle with each feeling. Then get to know them so well that you can
recognize it feel it experience it work through it use it and then let it go

‡ ‡ ‡ ‡ ‡

Essentials for recovery
‡ Learn about Age Regression- may feel like helpless child for few minutes. ‡ CREATE JOY,LOVE & SUCCESS IN LIFE

TRUE SELF & FALSE SELF
TRUE SELF Authentic Spontaneous Expansive,Loving 1 2 1 2 1 2 3 3 3 3 3 3 4 4 4 4 4 4 5 5 5 5 5 5 FALSE SELF Mask Plans and Plots Contracting, Fearful Withholding Envious,critical,idealized, perfectionist Other oriented, Overly conforming

Giving,Communicating 1 2 Accepting of self & others Compassionate 1 2 1 2

True Self & False Self (contd.)
Loves unconditionally 1 2 3 4 5 Loves conditionally Feels feelings, includeDenies or hides ing appropriate, sponfeelings including taneous anger long held anger (resentment) Assertive 1 2 3 4 5 Aggressive or/& passive Intuitive 1 2 3 4 5 Rational, Logical Child within, Inner 1 2 3 4 5 Over-developed child; ability to be parent/scripts, childlike. may be childish

TRUE SELF & FALSE SELF (Contd.)
Needs to play & have fun ! Vulnerable 1 2 2 3 3 4 4 5 5 Avoids play and fun Pretends always to be strong 5 5 4 4 4 4 3 4 5 5 5 5 Limited power Distrusting Avoids being nurtured Controls, Withdraws Self-righteous Complicates, is rational 5 Wants to be right, control, tells us the opposite of what we want & need.

Powerful in true sense Trusting Enjoys being nurtured Surrenders Self-indulgent Simplifies 1 1

1 2 1 2

2 3 2 3

3 4 3

4

1 1

2 2 2

3 3

Wants to be real, connect, 1 experience, create & love

TRUE SELF & FALSE SELF (Contd.)
Non-defensive, though may use ego defenses Connected to its Higher 1 2 3 4 5 Defensive

1

2 2

3 3

4 4

5 5

Open to the unconscious 1

Believes it is Higher Power Power Blocks unconscious matter

Remembers our oneness 1 Free to grow 1

2 2

3 3

4 4

Private self

1

2

3

4

Forgets our oneness, Feels separate 5 Tends to act out unconscious often painful patterns repeatedly 5 Public self

5

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