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Marys Baby

An American Indian Legend


by

Moondancer
Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien

Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

April, 1991

Marys Baby

An American Indian Legend


by

Moondancer
Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien
1991, 2004, 2005
DR. Francis J. OBrien, Jr.
Aquidneck Indian Council
12 Curry Ave.
Newport, RI 02840-1412
USA
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

MarysBabywaswrittenwhileIwasastudentinSuzannAshenarsIntroductoryCreative
WritingclassattheSwinburneSchool,Newport,RI.IamgratefultoSuzannforherpatient
anddetailedassistancewiththecharacterdevelopmentandmechanicsofthestoryaswellas
othermatters.

Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

To them
The rocks are dead;
The water is dead;
The trees are dead;
And all the animals are dead.
They even see their own people
as dead.
Moondancer,Wampumpeage.Newport,RI:AquidneckIndianCouncil,Inc.,1996

Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

Marys Baby
AnAmericanIndianLegend
by
Frank O'Brien

TheIRT#1subwaywasclankingalongtossingMrs.MarySweetwaterfrom
sidetoside.OnlyanativeNewYorkerknowsthattryingtoreadonthesubwayisnextto
impossible. Mary slid up against the wall adjacent to her seat to lessen the vibration.
CasuallyleafingthroughadiscardedcopyofMoonbeam,anationalscandalnewspaper,she
cametoastorythatcaughtherattention."LAWYERSBORNINTHEASS(abumrapfor
all)"readtheheadlineonpage13.Marydippedintotheleadparagraphandread:
Dr.HugoHandemuck,anationallyprominentgynecologistofNortheastWest
Virginia University Medical School, reporting on his yearlong government
funded research project, states that since 1900, one in every four American
lawyers has been born through a process known technically to doctors as
anogenesis'birththroughtheterminalaspectofthealimentarytractoranusasa
resultofanalfertilization.Thefetusisknownasa'geldophagusmagnus'fetus,a
wordofmixedoriginswhichmeans'consumeroflargequantitiesofmoney'.
Theterm'geldophagusmagnus'isDr.Handemuck's.Hehasfoundasignificant
statisticalcorrelationbetweensalaryandanogenesisinanationalsurveyof1
millionlawyerswillingtotalkabouttheirbirthingprocess. The25percentof
anogeneticlawyersmadeover10timesthesalaryofnonanogeneticlawyers.

Marylookedatthepictureshowingawomancarryingalawyerbaby.She
wasleaningovera4leggedwalkerandappearedtohaveanenormouslumponherbackjust
abovetherump.TheexpectantmotherwasscowlingatMary.Althoughreportedtobeonly
21,sheseemedtobetwicethatjudgingfromherhaggardappearance.AtMary'sstop,she
tuckedthethickpaperintoherpurseandleft.
Twoweekslater,MaryarrivedatDr.Hymansoffice15minutesearlyforher
appointment.Sheneededafewmomentstoprepareherwords.

Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

I'mhiswife,afterall;whathappensbetweenahusbandandwifeisourownbusiness
andnooneelse's.ButifItellDr.Hymanaboutit,maybeI....wellmaybeIcould
just show him the story in Moonbeam, then he'll believe me. Oh dear, I'm so
embarrassed.Joeandhisridiculousideasaboutbirthcontrolliketheypracticein
Africa. Joestillthinksyoucan'tgetpregnantthatway. Howhelaughedatthe
Moonbeam story.God,whataburdenitwouldberightnowthemortgage,car,
refrigerator,television,allboughtontime....

Suddenlysheheardhernamecalledandapetitebrunettenurseescortedher
into the examination room marked Mort Hyman, M.D. and assisted her into the
examinationgown.Shewasleftsittingonthesideoftheexaminationtable.Dr.Hymanwas
anelderly,kindlydoctor.Hedbeenthefamilyobstetricianfortwogenerationsandbrought
everyBrownincludingMaryintothisworld.Dr.Hymanentered,smiledwarmlyandsaid
Well,Mary,howarewedoingthismorning?Fine,thankyou,Dr.Hyman,Marysaid
nervously.
WhatcanIdoforyouMary?
"Oh,justapregnancytest,Dr.Hyman,"Marysaidasshefidgetedwithher
fingers.
"Ok. Well, Ineedyoutolie down ....this way,please." Heexplained
everythingtoherabouttheprocedure.Afterdoingavaginalexamandtakingasamplefor
thelab,Dr.Hymansaid"That'sallthereistoit,Mary,"towhichMary,bynowherfacered
withembarrassment,responded,
"Iuhmwonderifyoucouldcheckjustuhmonemoreplace,ifyoudon'tmind."
"What!!?"Dr.Hyman,hiseyelashesstandingonend,thunderedback.
NowMarywasforcedtoexplainabouthowsheranoutofbirthcontrolpills
onenight.Pointingtoherpurse,MarysaidtoDr.Hyman:"Ifyoudon'tbelievemereadit
yourself.Thestory'sonpage13."
"I'veneverheardofsuchathing."Dr.Hymanwaspacingupanddownthe
floor."But,I'lltellyouwhat.I'llcheckwithsomeofmycolleaguesandI'llgiveyouacall
inacoupleofdays."
"Oh,thatwouldbesplendid,Dr.Hyman."
Twodayslater,JoecalledMarytothephone.
"Hello,Mary.Dr.Hyman."
"Goodevening,Dr.Hyman."

Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

"Listen, I did a lot of checking around. I even talked with this Dr.
Handemuck in West Virginia about your pregnancy question." He sighed audibly and
continued."Heassuresmeitispossibletobesoimpregnated.Ithinkyoushouldcomeback
in,say,twoweeks.Mary,thisisaseriousmatter.Ifyouarepregnantahthisway,it
wontbeanordinarypregnancy.ButitwillhavetowaituntilIcanmakemyexamination.I
wantyoutocomebackintwoweeks. Call theofficetomorrow morningandmakean
appointment.OK,Mary?"
"Icertainlywill,Dr.Hyman.Thankssomuch."
WhenMaryreturnedforherappointment,Dr.Hymanreceivedherwarmly
andwithaslightglintinhiseye. Thiswashisfirstexperiencewithanogenesis. Hehad
spent agreat dealoftime inthe pasttwoweeks poringoverthe medical literature and
consultingwiththetopspecialistsinobstetricsandgynecology. Sohewas preparedfor
makingthedefinitivetestonMary.Thetestwassurprisinglysimple.Dr.Hymanfastened
hisnewshinyanogenitometertoMary.Removinghisglasses,hepeeredintothepowerful
microscopelike instrument with great eagerness. After adjusting the light intensity and
severalotherdials,heseemedsatisfied.
"Ahah!Thereitis,thereitis,"hemumbled
tohimself.
Mary,whowaslyingonherstomachwithherfeetproppedupbehindherin
theair,wasunawareofwhatwasgoingonattheotherendofthetable.
"Iseverythingok,DoctorHyman?"
"Everythingisfinedear.We'realldone."
Afterworkingherfeetfree,heaskedMarytositup.
"Well,Mary,myexaminationshows youarepregnantwithalawyerfetus.
It'sonlyaboutamontholdbuttheanogenitometerissopowerful,Iseeitclearly."
Mary'sstaredincredulouslyatDr.Hyman.Shewasrubbingherbackgently
asshestoodup.Dr.HymangentlyputhishandonMary'sshoulderashesaid,"Mary,I'd
like you to take this book. It will explain everything you need to know about the
GeldophagusMagnusfetus.Pleasefollowalloftheinstructionshegives.Thencometosee
meinonemonthforacheckup." Callmeanytime dayornightifyouhaveany
problems.Marythankedhimasshetooktheprofferedhardcoverbook,PrenatalCarefor
YourLawyerBaby,IssacAssinov,M.D.,Ph.D.,J.D.

Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

Well,Dr.Hyman,canyouatleastsaywhethermylawyerwillgrowuptobe
rich?Dr.Hymangaveaheartylaugh,raisedhishandgoodbyeandleft.
WhenMaryreturnedhomeJoewaswaitingforthenews."Tellme,darling,
whatthedoctorsaid,"Joeaskedher.HelistenedattentivelyasMaryexplainedthesituation.
Whenshefinished,Marysaid,"Dr.Hymangavemethisbook.HesaidIhavetofollowall
theinstructions.Inthetaxionthewayhome,ImadealistofthethingsI'llneed.Willyou
getthemformeassoonasyoucan?"
Joelookedatthelistwritteninthebeautifulhandwritinghesoloved.The
listread
3maternitydressestobewornbackwardsgetXlarge
TM

SonyPainMonitor(ALGOMETER )
TM

MitsubishiAntistinkMachine(SMELLRITE )Model13Zwithbatteries
HeatingPad
FourleggedWalker
"BreadPoems"byG.Frostman(BasicBuckBooks,Inc.)

Joewrinkleduphisbrowashemadehiswaythroughthelist.
"I can understand about the dresses, dear. But what about the Antistink
Machine? I mean, why do we have to buy Japanese products? Don't they make any
Americanbrands?Whatonearthisthisthingforanyway,honey?
"Well,ifyou'llletmeexplain,Joe,"Maryanswered. Thebooksaysmy
conditionproduceslargeamountsofgas,sowe'llneedthisthing.That'sall.Itworkssortof
likeasmokeeater,butitalsosquirtsoutthissweetsmellystuffintotheairevery15seconds
orsoyaknow?"
Joewaslookingupattheceiling,hiseyesrollingbackintohishead.
"Isee,"hesaid."What'sthewalkerfor?Isn'tthatthe4leggedthingthatoldpeopleuseto
getaround?Howlongareyougoingtobepregnantwiththelawyeranyway?"

Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

"Yes,well...."Marychuckled."Asthebabygrows,theweightonmyback
willmakeithardtowalk,soI'llneedtousethisthing."Maryshowedhimthepictureofthe
womaninMoonbeam.Joelookedlongandhardatthepicture.
Whydoesshelooksoraggeddoyouthinkitsbecauseshespregnantwith
alawyer?
Could be, Mary responded, that this lawyer is going to be one of Dr.
Handemucksrealbigbuckstype.YouknowwhatitsaysinDr.Assinovsbook?Believeit
ornot,butsomeofthefetusesactuallyhavetheirumbilicalcordsattachedtotheintestines,
andalltheyhavetofeedonmostofthetimeisshitandpiss!Youcanimaginetheruckus
thatwouldcauseinsidethemothersback.OJoe,IpraytoGodthat'snotgoingtohappen
tome!Idontknowbutmaybethemotherisforcedtoagesoquicklybecauseitsnatures
wayofrestoringbalancetotheworldyouknow,soshecanthaveanymorebabies.
"Ugh,"Joeresponded."Howaboutthepoems?Canyouexplainwhywe
needthisforapregnantwoman,please?"
"Iknowthissoundsweird,Joe,butDr.Assinovhasawholechapteronthis,"
Marysaid."Yousee,lawyers,becausethey'reoutjusttomakemoneyinlifewell,that's
whattheyreactto"shecutherselfoffandthumbedhurriedlythroughthebook."Ah,here,
seethispicture?ItshowsanancientEgyptianpicture,ahierglyphwhatevertheycallit
Ohyeah,hereitis:GeldophagusMagnusmeaningExtravagantMoneyEater.Itsaysthe
GeldophagusMagnuswasalongnosedhalfhumanthatlivedoffmoney. Itcouldsmell
moneyamileawayandwascapableofspeedsupto100milesanhour.Normallyitwould
racetothevictim,leapatthevictimsthroat,biteitandwhilethevictimwasontheground,
extractthemoneymatterbysuckingitout.Wellanyway,that'sthesymbolismbehindour
lawyerbaby,Joe.Dr.AssinovsayswhenevermyAlgometerregisterspaininthisredzone,I
shouldreadoneofthesemoneypoemsoutloudtothefetusandthepainneedleshoulddo
backdowntothebluezonewhichmeansit'ssafeforthebaby. Joewasstandingbythe
doorscratchinghisheadandmakingstrangegutturalsounds.
Joewasaconfusedman.HewasveryworriedthatMarywaspregnantwith
theworstcasetypetheintestinefeedersnottomentionthefinancialhardshipthebaby
would bring. How would he explain to his mother? Perhaps, he mused, there was
something unusual in his background that caused Mary to be pregnant a posteriori?
Suddenlyhegotanidea.

Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

GypsyLee'sFortuneParlorwaslocatedintheseedysectiononFourthStreet.
JoewassittinginGypsy'sParlorgettingtheworks.FirstGypsyreadhispalm,thencamethe
tealeafreadingceremonyandfinallythewhitecrystalballanalysis. Joeoftencameto
Gypsyintryingtimes. Heradvicewashistoricallycorrect,validandinvaluable. Unlike
mostadvisers,Gypsywasnotafraidtolayoutaplanofattackforpeoplewhohaddifficult
timesahead.
WhenGypsyhadfinishedallherreadings,sheleanedforwardandthrough
her partially toothless mouth which only exacerbated her bad English, she began her
summary.
"Joe,myballsayyouhafveeryunyouschulbabyinwifeback.ForyouIsee
aoldmanmanyyearbyandbywhoezlawmanno,howyousaylawyer."
"What'sthatGypsyLee,youseealawyerinmyfamily?",Joeasked.
"ThatrightJoe.Maybehundedyeargobybefore.HisnameSam.Iseehe
makelottamoney,jungJoe,lottalottamoney.Heveeryreech,veeryreech.Iseeyouhaf
wifewithbabyinbackcauseSamlawyer.Sambornsamewaybeforefaddermakebaby
inwifeback."Gypsysmiledbroadlyexposinghertwopuregoldfrontteeth.
JoewasstaringinastonishmentatGypsyLee.Finallyheasked,"Whatadvice
canyougiveme?"
Gypsyansweredimmediately. "Gotowifewidbabyinbackandbeveery
neecetohur.Showyouhafmuuchlufforhurandforbabyinback."
JoetippedGypsyanextrafivedollarsandhurriedout.Hetookthetaxitohis
mothershouse.HismotherofferedJoesomeofhervodka,whichshehadobviouslybeenat
forawhile.Whenhefinishedthewholestory,hismothereruptedinuncontrollablehilarity.
"MustbebecauseofyourgreatgranddaddySam,"Joe'smothersaid."Hewas
theonlylawyerinthisfamily.HewasabiglawyerupinNewYorkCity.CriminallawI
think.Hemadeatonofmoney.Wasaveryrichman.Diedattheageof97,stillsharpasa
pinthedayhedied. Didn'tleaveapennytoanyofhisfamilythough. Hewasamean
bastardtheysay.Therewasarumorthathismothertookthispregnancyverybadly.But,to
tellyouthetruth,Joey,IdontrememberanythingaboutSamfeedingoffthebowel.She
spentmostofhertimeinthebathroomthewayIhearit.Shetriedxlaxbutthatdidn'twork.
Sheeventriedtoabortthefetuswithacoathangertwoorthreetimes.Soifyouwantmy
advice, doas GypsyLeesaid. Afterall, it isyourbabyevenifits startingoutalittle
backwards,ifyouknowwhatImean,JoeyBoy."

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Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

Onhiswayhome,Joefeltveryemotionalabouthisnewdiscovery.Hehadto
beabetterhusband.Henowknewthatbecauseofhisfamilybackground,thelawyerwas
trulyhisdoing.Thethoughtsuddenlyoccurredtohimthatiftheyweregoodto'babyinwife
back'thatperhapsthelawyerwouldbecomeveryprosperousandsharehiswealthwithhis
parents.NowJoegotreallyexcited.'Hell,hethought,Idon'twanttobeajuniorhighschool
Englishteacherallmylife.'"Babyinback"hechortled.
WhenhegothomehefoundMarylyingonherstomach.TheSmellRitewas
onthemantelpurringaway,hugepuffsofwhiteredolentmistpunctuatingtheairlikeanti
aircraftguns.WhenhetriedtoimitateGypsyLee'sdialectinhisversionofwhathappened
this afternoon,Marystarted to laughsohardherback cramped up. Ontheverge ofa
convulsivereaction,shescrambledoffthecouch,trippedonsomething,fallingonherface.
Strugglingimmediatelytoherfeet,herfacecontortedinagony,shegrabbedthepoetrybook
offthelivingroomtable,rippedopenthebooktoarandompage,andturningherheadasfar
aspossible,startedtoreadatthebabyinaveryloudbutplacatingvoice.Meanwhile,Joe
wasforcedtoturntheAntiStinkMachineonhighwhichmadetheirlivingroomlooklike
thenighttimeskiesofBaghdad,IraqshootingatUSwarplanesduringthePersianGulfWar
of1991.TheGeldophagusMagnuswasapparentlyquitetakenbyMary'srenditionbecause
innotimetheneedleontheAlgometerwentrightdowntothedarkestregionoftheblue
zone,andhappilythenoxiouseffluviaabatedquiterapidly.
WhenMarywasagaincomfortablylyingonthecouch,gentlyrotating her
achingneck,Joesaid:"You'regoingtohaveoneofthemostnormalpregnanciesever,ifI
canhelpit.We'llneedtimetoworkoutthedetails.PerhapsDr.Assinovcanhelp."Joewas
rubbingMary'sbackwithslowcircularstrokes.
Marysatup,herfacelitupwithexcitement."There'stwowholechaptersjust
onmanagingthepregnancy.TheonlythingIdon'tlikeaboutthiswholethingisIcan'tleave
thehouse.Imeanpeoplewillstareandlaugh."
"Maybethere'sasupportgroup,"Joeinterjected.
"Idon'tthinkso,Joe,"Maryresponded."Dr.Assinovsaysonly25ina100
lawyersarebornthisway."
Marythensmiledbroadly."Youcouldgetmeagiganticbarreltowalkin,"
shesaid."OrgetmeamaskmadeupsoIcouldwearitonthebackonmyheadandwalk
backwards."

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Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

Joesmiledandputhisarmsaroundher."We'llthinkofsomething,darling.
Youliedownandrestnow,honey.Everything'sgoingtobeOK,trustme."
Joewasnowstaringoffintospacedreamingaboutstocksandbondsandbank
accountsandluxurycarsandtripstoEurope.Hewouldn'tbeateacherallhislife.

Moondancer
Dr. Francis J. OBrien, Jr.

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Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

About the author

Author: Dr. Frank Waabu. Courtesy of the author at The Naval


Undersea Warfare Center, Division Newport (Newport, RI)

Frank Waabu OBrien (Dr. Francis Joseph OBrien, Jr.) was


raised in orphanages, foster homes, and penal detentions centers in
Providence, RI.
Descended from the cannibal Huron Indians in Canada,
he was paraded to the world as Irish Roman Catholic until the age
of 13. In his teenage years he was raised as a Negro in South
Providence.
Recently he received national attention when he
attempted to change the name of the Rhode Island back to its
ancient name Aquidneck, without success.
He was presented the American Medal of Honor in 2004 by the
American Biographical Institute. In 2005 he accepted the International
Order of Merit (IOM) from the International Biographical Centre of
Cambridge, England for lifetime achievement.
He is a disabled veteran from The Viet Nam War Era, and
makes his living as a career civil servant mathematician for The
Department of Defense.
Waabu is very happily divorced from madwoman, and shares
his life with his 8-year old daughter, Lily-Rae OBrien.

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Dr. Frank Waabu OBrien <> Marys Baby: An American Indian Legend

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