EXT.

APARTMENT COMPLEX - LATE
CHIRPING crickets echo through the quiet.
Quiet, but for a muffled, rhythmic THUMP. Coming from...
EXT. APARTMENT THIRTY-SEVEN - CONTINUOUS
...where we suspect an epic party is going down.
INT. APARTMENT THIRTY-SEVEN - CONTINUOUS
Our suspicions are confirmed: HOTTIES gyrate and dance in
their skivvies.
A TALL GUY, wearing orange Speedos, dirty dances with one of
them.
A CHUNKY GUY, with a Jew-fro, dances, somewhat, with another
HOTTIE. Both very out of it.
A SKINNY GUY, wearing a Darth Vador mask with a bong
attachment, pulses to the beat as he tokes away.
On the large sectional couch, a BLACK GUY, is passed out face
first into the ample bossom of another HOTTIE.
Someone BANGS on their door, but the party's too off the
chain for them to hear.
The image of the party slows down, the music GRINDS to a
halt. Image FREEZES as we...
FADE TO:
INT. APARTMENT THIRTY-SEVEN - LATE AFTERNOON
TITLE: One Day Earlier
JASON (27), tall guy, draped on the sectional, plays XBOX.
JONAH (25), chunky guy, trots in, throws his work bag on the
floor in frustration.
JASON
Farkus is on the prowl again.
JONAH
(deadpan)
Awesome.

2.

Jonah beelines to the
KITCHEN
Opens the fridge: it’s lookin’ pretty grim in there; only
some condiments and an open beer.
Relief washes over Jonah as he grabs the beer.
JASON
How was work?
Jonah swigs the day-old brew, winces from the staleness.
JONAH
I got fired.
JASON
A-GAIN?!
JONAH
I know.
JASON
From a job you were already fired
from?
JONAH
I KNOW! You don't know what it's
like, man. Chained to a desk all
day, boss up your ass. You never
worked a real day in your life!
Jonah opens and closes kitchen cupboards.
JASON
FUCK working. I wanna LIVE dammit.
(beat)
What are you looking for?
JONAH
Sustenance. I'm starvin' Marvin.
JASON
Yeah, we need food--not that one!
Jonah opens a cupboard to be greeted by plastic FOOD
CONTAINERS of all shapes and sizes, almost knocks him over.
JONAH
What the fuck, man!

3.

INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
Jonah on the couch, plays Call of Duty. Jason watches. They
exchange tokes from a ridiculously large BONG.
We hear a FLUSH as JAY (24), skinny guy, emerges from the
bathroom.
JAY
(sitting down)
What is up, my niggas?
JASON
Man that's racist.
JONAH
SO racist.
JAY
Nigg-AS isn't racist. ERS is.
JASON
Duly noted.
(sniffing)
Close the bathroom, dude! Jesus did
you eat a dead skunk or something?
JAY
It's just my natural odor.
JONAH
Your natural odor is singeing my
nose hairs.
JAY
FYI, we need tp. My butthole is raw
from using McDonald's bags.
JASON
I'll get some tomorrow.
JAY
Which reminds me, your urine isn't
an adequate cleaning agent. A speck
of poop has been clinging to the
bowl for a week. And I'll be
jiggered if I'm the one cleaning-JASON/JONAH
Shut up, Jay!
They pass around the bong in silence.

4.

JASON
Jonah got fired.
JONAH
Dude.
JAY
Again?! How will we make rent?
JONAH
Shit, I dunno. How 'bout getting
real fucking jobs?
JAY
My fansite does okay. I had over a
hundred hits last month.
JONAH
Whoop-dee-fucking do, Jar-Jar.
JAY
I told you not to call me that!
JONAH
Maybe you could try to accomplish
more in a day than making lame
models and jerking off to Princess
Leia.
JAY
I put a lot of work into those
models.
JONAH
Whatever.
(re: Call of Duty)
Fuck!
TV SCREEN: Jonah’s player gets killed with a headshot.
JONAH (CONT'D)
What the fuck! I shot him in the
head fifty times and he STILL
killed me!
(into Xbox headset)
Oh yeah? Well, fuck YOUR mom in the
ass! What are you, like five?
Jonah throws the controller and headset down.
JASON
I'll handle this.
(hands Jonah controller)
Continue.

5.

Jason puts on the headset. His cool demeanor fades, face
boils red. He EXPLODES into the mic.
JASON (CONT'D)
Listen here you little cumstain! I
know where you live so you better
shut your fuck-hole or I'll come
over, chop you dick off and shove
it in your mouth. Then make you
watch while I rape your mom wearing
her face as a mask! Are you hearing
me?!
Jason returns to his normal, easy-going self.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS - ESTABLISHING
MOTHER (O.S.)
Timmy! Time for supper!
INT. TIMMY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Curled up on a car bed in fetal position is TIMMY (11), Xbox
headset on his head. He rocks back and forth, catatonic.
MOTHER (O.S.)
Timmy, I said time for supper.
MOTHER (40's) enters.
MOTHER (CONT'D)
(worried)
Timmy?
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jason listens to the headset.
JASON
Hello?
(handing headset back)
That should do it.
(to Jay)
Dude, stop hogging Bilbong Baggins,
ya Bogart.

6.

Jay just finished talking a huge pull from the bong. He
passes back it to Jason.
JAY
(exhaling)
What are we gonna do about rent?
JONAH
Get-a-job!
JASON
Working for the "system" goes
against my principals. I can’t be
just another cog in the machine. I
was meant to do great things.
(tokes from bong)
Besides, I have a job.
JONAH
Selling pictures of stuff that look
like celebrities on the internet is
NOT a real job!
JASON
'Cause it doesn't serve the “man”?
That reminds me, did I show you the
dog turd that looks like Lady Gaga?
JAY
Lemme see!
Jason fishes out his camera to show.
JONAH
Forget that! We're about to get
thrown out and we're sans rent.
JASON
Lighten up, man. Here...
(offers bong)
...smoke some.
Resigned, Jonah takes a hit.
MATCH FADE TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
Jonah on the couch. He gawks blankly at the TV, sporadically
CHUCKLING to himself as he eats batter of some sort (cookie?
cupcake?) from a bowl.

7.

Jay TAPS away at his laptop. Jason's out cold.
MATCH FADE TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Jonah and Jason asleep on the couch. Jay's still attached to
his laptop, empty Red Bull cans litter the floor around him.
A BANGING at the door wakes Jonah and Jason.
Jonah gets up, looks in peephole, jerks back like he was spit
in the eye.
JONAH
(whisper)
Farkus!
Jonah motions everyone to stay perfectly quiet. More BANGING.
MR. FARKUS (O.S.)
Where's my goddamn rent?!
Nothing. Then...a JANGLING OF KEYS.
Door-lock CLICKS open. Everyone holds their breath as the
door creaks open -- the chain prevents it from opening
further. The liver-spotted face of their landlord, MR. FARKUS
(60’s), slithers through the crack.
MR. FARKUS (CONT'D)
(sniffing)
I know you're in there. I can smell
you.
(beat)
Fine, we do it the hard way.
The door closes. SIGHS of relief.
JAY
(whisper)
He's going to break our kneecaps!
Jason watches Farkus walk away through the blinds.
JASON
Let's jet before he comes back.
JAY
And go where?
JASON
Who cares. Anywhere.

8.

EXT. APARTMENT THIRTY-SEVEN - CONTINUOUS
Door opens, three heads pop out, one on top of each other.
JONAH
Clear.
They creep out the door but freeze at the sound of Farkus'
KEYS.
JONAH (CONT'D)
Abort! Abort!
The go back inside.
INT. APARTMENT THIRTY-SEVEN - CONTINUOUS
A moment of panic.
JONAH
Bathroom!
EXT. APARTMENT THIRTY-SEVEN - CONTINUOUS
Farkus returns with bolt-cutters.
He’s about to cut the lock when we see our heroes come out
from behind the building on the bottom floor. They exit into
the back lot.
EXT. APARTMENT PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
And pile into Jonah's decrepid FORD FIESTA.
INT/EXT. JONAH'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Jonah starts the engine. SPUTTERS, then dies. What a piece of
shit.
MR. FARKUS (O.S.)
Where's my rent!
Farkus is at the front of their car. POUNDS the hood with his
wrinkled fists.
JONAH
Shit!

9.

Jonah tries again. The ignition STRAINS, but this time
starts. The car backs out the lot, leaving Farkus in a cloud
of dust.
MR. FARKUS
(coughing)
Bastards!
EXT. DRAINAGE CANAL - DAY
Our heroes trudge through the canal near a busy freeway.
Jay holds a stick he found like a sword and attacks invisible
assailants. He HUMS a familiar sound with every thrust and
parry.
JONAH
What the shit are we doing here?
Farkus is about to throw us out!
JAY
(in own world)
I'll never join the dark side!
JASON
Guys, shut the fuck up. I come here
to think sometimes.
JONAH
To this polio-infected canal? I’m
pretty sure there’s a dead body
over there.
They come upon a turned over CANOE.
JONAH (CONT'D)
Weird place for a canoe.
Jonah sits on it.
JASON
Guess it fell from a passing car or
something.
Jason takes out a fatty JOINT, lights it. They pass it around
in silence.
JONAH
Anyone bring water? This weed's
giving me the major pasties.
JASON
Negatory.

10.

JONAH
Shit.
JASON
(to Jay)
How much rent do we need?
JAY
We're short by three hundy.
JASON
We'll have to sell some shit.
JAY
"Shit"? You mean like drugs?
JONAH
No dumbass, he means like shit in
our apartment. For the smartest guy
I know you can be pretty stupid.
JAY
I'm not stupid!
JONAH
(mokingly)
Mesa dumb-dumb.
Jay tries to wrestle Jonah off the canoe but his skinny
stature is shit against Jonah's heft.
JONAH (CONT'D)
(laughing)
Stop it, Jar Jar! You're hurting
me!
JAY
Don't call me that!
Jonah's laughs only feed the fire. Jay manages to knock Jonah
off the canoe, flipping it over in process.
JASON (O.S.)
Guys?
JONAH
Stop, Anal-kin Cock-walker!
JAY
I'll kill you!
JASON (O.S.)
GUYS!

11.

They stop to see Jason staring in awe at something behind
them. They follow his gaze...
...the over-turned canoe has uncovered...
...a mountain...
...of zip-locked...
BAGS OF WEED!
Incredulous stares, jaws hinged open.
JAY
Am I seeing this? Did you guys
spike the weed again?