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31-JAN-2016 11:58PM

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In his essay,...

Add at least one more attribution phrase
to this intro. This will simply help remind
the reader that you're summarizing
Murray, not using him as a starting point
for your own argument about college.

Here and in the rest of the paper, really work on topic sentences. Notice the
lack of a statement that makes it clear Murray's next reason for why college isn't
necessarily the best option is because there are other ways to gain skills.

End-text citation?

Are these
ideas in the
conclusion
yours or
Murray's?
They seem
like your own.
Remember
that your
summary
shouldn't yet
include any of
your own
ideas and that
the conclusion
can be pretty
short, if
needed!

Bailly_Paper1.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

/80

Instructor
Kayla,
Again, I'm glad you've tackled Murray! I'm also
impressed by your very clear and accurate statement
of his argument in your intro. Some students
struggle with his argument, but not you!
T here are a f ew areas that could be improved,
though, and these are the improvements you should
f ocus on f irst if you choose to revise this paper f or
the f inal portf olio. T he list below names those areas
f or improvement. In this list, you will see ref erences
to “comments in the paper.” You can see these
comments in the paper to the lef t.
1. Work on topic sentences and (sometimes)
concluding statements. Right now, you have all the
important pieces of support (or reasons) Murray
gives f or his argument, but it's sometimes hard to
see how these pieces of support connect to the
argument. Or, in other words, it's hard to see how
these ideas actually support his argument. Check the
comments in the f irst two body paragraphs about
this, especially, and then try to apply what you've
noticed and learned in those to the rest of the
paper!
2. Work on the organization of the paragraph on
college not being the only f orm of higher education.
T he green highlighted comment should help you with
this.
3. Use more attribution! Notice that your paper has
very little attribution in the sentences (though you
do a great job of attribution in the citation). Please
see the comment at the end of the last body
paragraph f or more detail.
4. Add end-text citation. T he f ourth citation video
includes a slide that goes over the exact f ormat f or
an essay f rom an anthology. You can also look at
page 211 in Harbrace Handbook f or more
inf ormation. And, of course, let me know if you have
questions about citation!

Overall, this paper is actually pretty solid, except f or
some f ormat and organization issues. If you revised,
you def initely wouldn't need to add inf ormation, just
work with the inf ormation and paragraphs that you
have in order to improve them, make them f low, and
make this essay more "summary-like." A strong
revision should probably take an hour and a half .
I am going to set up some kind of discussion
between us about this f eedback (more about this
during Week 5). However, if you have any questions
bef ore that point, please let me know!

PAGE 1

Text Comment.

In his essay,...

Comment 1
Remember that your audience hasn't been in our class, hasn't read the essay, and doesn't know
the assignment. T his means they might not immediately make the connection that your title is
also the title of Murray's essay. So mention the essay at the beginning of your summary, too!

Text Comment.

Add at least one more attribution phrase to this intro. T his will simply help
remind the reader that you're summarizing Murray, not using him as a starting point f or your
own argument about college.

Comment 2
Notice the dif f erence between your sentence and this one: "Murray begins his essay with a
quote by John Stuart Mill, who said..." Do you notice how much clearer the tone of summary is in
that second sentence?

Comment 3
Can you give an example of what Murray says about these "intellectually elite?" For example,
how does he def ine this? Who are these individuals? Why shouldn't everyone go?

Text Comment.

Here and in the rest of the paper, really work on topic sentences. Notice
the lack of a statement that makes it clear Murray's next reason f or why college isn't
necessarily the best option is because there are other ways to gain skills.
QM

Attach Quotes
Quotes should be attached to sentences of your own!

Comment 4
How about "A f our-year college?" T echnical schools are still usually considered "college."

PAGE 2

Comment 5
Does this point f it the rest of the paragraph? Used in this way, it seems like a contrary point to
Murray's. Can you make a new paragraph? Or maybe even include it in the next paragraph? T his
might be another good example of how adults over-stress the value of college.

Comment 6
At the end of this paragraph, take a look back through your paper and look f or attribution
phrases. How many do you notice? Yes, you're using attribution in the citation, but because you
aren't saying things like "Murray is concerned that inf luential adults...," it's possible to also see
your paragraphs as your own ideas, using Murray to back you up. For example, is that "Case in
point" your statement or are you saying that this is Murray's example?
Obviously, I know you're summarizing because I've read the essay and made the assignment. : )
But because you're writing f or an audience that wasn't in our class, more attribution is needed!

Text Comment.

Are these ideas in the conclusion yours or Murray's? T hey seem like your
own. Remember that your summary shouldn't yet include any of your own ideas and that the
conclusion can be pretty short, if needed!

Text Comment.
PAGE 3

End-text citation?

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