The Last Word

Issue #499

May 2016

When a bank sues a person...
“When a bank sues a person...Banks can do no
Attention, Evil Empire. I want to have a word
with you, so wipe that smirk off your face.
My readers know I recently sued someone
utterly to court in a small claims action. Today is not the
day to rehash the reason or the details. Quite the
contrary, this is the day to expose the Kentucky court
system’s double standard that favors Big Business. It’s
always the day for that.
Because I’m a living, breathing, pooing person,
I had to hope against all hope that the defendants
showed up for the trial without being threatened with
arrest if they didn’t. Behold and lo, they didn’t show up
for the original court date last fall, and the man at the
courthouse who had the appearance and demeanor of a
1980s game show host vaguely implied they’d
eventually start looking for the defendants again but
wouldn’t make any heroic efforts to find them. That was
months ago, and I know of no attempt to find them
since then—even though authorities know where they
are. However, when a corporation files a small claims
action in Kentucky, it’s diff.
I read that a hapless bloke found himself on the
receiving end of a lawsuit filed by a major bank. I’m
assuming that the terror that ensued is typical when a
powerful corporation sues an individual in the
Greengrass State. The unfortunate defendant knew
nothing of the suit—which sounds like it was frivolous
anyway—until his mother told him the sheriff in that
county had tried to serve the papers at his home. The
papers couldn’t be served right away because the man
was at work. Upon discovering that the man wasn’t
home, the sheriff warned that the man would then be
All for not being home to be served for a
frivolous lawsuit.
If you’re a cool person, you know that hospitals
and health care corporations in Kentucky have a hobby
of filing reams of lawsuits against individuals. Cool
people know this, because cool people read my work,
and I’ve exposed this factoid for over 20 years. Much
noise is generated by the Far Right about patients filing
too many malpractice suits against medical providers—
hence their long-running push for malpractice “reform” that would gut patients’ rights to collect all the
compensation they deserve or even sue at all. But the fact remains that providers sue patients many times as often
as patients suing providers. While Team Tyranny wants review boards to screen out malpractice suits, they won’t
accept my idea of review boards to screen suits by medical providers.
Big banks and insurance companies are just as litigious as big HMO’s. I’ve checked the online court

dockets for my lawsuit, and have found local courtrooms to be gunked up with countless lawsuits almost every
weekday filed by banks and insurers against individuals. On most days, there’s numerous suits filed by the same
Even Kentucky’s stated policies are stacked against us. For starts, there’s actually a statute on the books
that explicitly exempts corporations from having to obey entire chapters of the voluminous Kentucky criminal
code. What’s also stunning is the differing standards regarding filing a lawsuit. Under Kentucky’s stated rules, a
person may file no more than 25 suits in a calendar year. But a business is entitled to file up to 25 suits for each
location in the judicial district. Since many companies have locations in more than one district, they can file more
suits in other districts. If you’re a major restaurant chain that has, say, 4 locations across the county, you can file
100 suits a year—nearly 2 per week. But if you’re a person—a lowly peep—you get 25 and that’s it, and I can’t
imagine why you’d use all 25 anyway.
A person might not file 25 suits a year, but banks and insurers sure as shit do. After skimming the dockets,
it looks like some of these companies are way over the legal limit—so even the stated rules don’t seem to apply to
them. When you file a suit, you must affirm that you’re not over the limit. I don’t think the judge or anyone else at
the courthouse verifies it. What this means is that banks lie. They commit perjury when they claim they’re within
the limit.
What surprises me is that judges don’t figure it out. It seems like eventually some intelligent and wise
judge would get suspicious after seeing the same banks in their courtroom over and over again.
At minimum, judges ought to rule that these banks and insurers are vexatious litigants so they can’t keep
clogging our courts. It would be not just fair but the very epitome of justice. Even if these companies are by some
miracle just within their legal number of permitted lawsuits, it’s hard to see why they’d file so many.
Justice. People have fought and died for it—only to have the 0% steal it back from them.

Welcome to the boogertown
“I say welcome...Welcome to the boogertown...Pick a booger...We got plenty to go around...”
It’s a boog in a book!
Have you ever booged? Lots of folks enjoy booging. I’m sure I’ve told the story of the booging in 7 th
grade in which a big, green, slimy gob of mucus was wiped in a textbook at school—and how the teacher ordered
it covered with Liquid Paper.
People booged in high
school too. I’ll never forget
the time someone wiped a
booger in a book from the
school library, and the
librarian thought someone
“pasted” the pages together.
(I can’t remember if this is
the same book that someone
defaced by using a blue ink
pen to completely color in a
line drawing of a character’s
The bad thing about
a boog in a book is that it
ruins the book. But the good
thing is that it’s often a
school’s book.
Booging should be
limited to schools, but it
seems to be increasingly
common in libraries all
across this fine land, because
American society is now just
one big reality show where
morons have taken over.
Thanks to the Iran-Contra
scandal, roving bands of

obnoxious brats have free rein these days.
Not long ago, an unfortunate gentleman borrowed a copy of the novel West Of Sunset by Stewart O’Nan
from a public library in an unspecified locale. The borrower of this tome discovered many a page to be caked with
mucus. A boogly-wooglum would materialize “every 15 or 20 pages” according to this “open letter” to whoever
booged therein...
Mind you, the boogers weren’t off on the margins of the page. They were draped plumb across the text. A
commenter likened it to someone smearing bodily fluids all over the TV set in a hotel room to celebrate the
nation’s Bicentennial.
What’s next? Bookstore boogings? (Sounds like a good Seinfeld storyline!)
Make boogers great again.

Utah town wants to flush out who
put tree in toilet
Toilets don’t grow on trees, but sometimes trees
grow in toilets.
Everyone thinks Utah is so squeaky clean that
nobody would dare to put anything in the toilet that’s bigger
than a cough drop. But the tide may be turning in the
Beehive State. It’s like the progress that was made when
Cincinnati turned Oktoberfest into Ploptoberfest.
Recently, police in Orem, Utah, found that someone
had put a tree in a toilet bowl in a restroom at a city park.
Apparently, the tree had been uprooted from elsewhere and
replanted in the johnnypooper—to be fed by toilet water
and a different kind of soil. In the process of the tree being
plopped, dirt and rocks were flushed down the toilet, which
ruined the pipes and forced plumbing crews to tear up the
wall repairing them.
Cops launched a detailed investigation to try to
catch the culprit, but there’s no word if anyone has been
charged yet.
I sure hope the lights work in that bathroom!

How to fight vision loss and the
Far Right all at once
An inventor may have invented the most inventive
invention ever—and nobody seems to notice.
As the guy in that rambling prescription drug commercial says, I accept that I’m no longer 22. I accept
that VCR’s are obsolete. I accept that I’m at greater risk for spontaneous decapitation, a type of central nervous
system disorder not caused by a heart valve problem. But what I won’t accept is vision loss.
I have a secret I’ve been hiding from everybody: In the course of only a few months, I have almost
completely lost the ability to discern text with my left eye. It happened that quickly. I believe firmly that this is
because I was force-fed Cylert when I was about 11 after being misdiagnosed with ADHD—and I had a feeling in
the back of my mind that vision loss was looming because of it. Cylert was later discontinued because it causes
permanent eye and liver damage.
I’ve always been farsighted, but this has never presented issues, because farsightedness usually allows
you to focus as long as you dare. These days, however, I could be 6 inches or 6 feet away from a page with small
print and can’t read it worth shit.
I don’t wear eyeglasses, so I didn’t buy eyeglasses. I never will. No glasses, glosses, or glazzes. We’ve all
met people who called glasses glosses. “I can’t read without my glosses,” they declare. This declaration is good
for a giggle every now and then. Perhaps not as funny as a dentist prescribing bubble gum, which is uproarious.
Once when I was maybe 6 or 7, a family member was prescribed Freshen-Up gum by a dentist. I didn’t know gum

was a prescription drug, but I didn’t think much about it until another family member saw the pack of pink
Freshen-Up and uttered 2 words that sent me into a helpless fit of laughter: “Bubble gum.” Why would a dentist
prescribe bubble gum?
I have a knack for solving problems. To cope with losing the ability to read text, I thought it would be
nifty if there was an invention that combines the very best features of bifocals and sunglasses—all in convenient
glosses-like form. Like bifocals, it would let people see again. Like sunglasses, it would look like sunglasses—
and it would protect peeps’ peepers from damaging solar rays. This invention could have a cool name like
A few spectacle
skeptics will scoff at this
idea. They’re not keen on
bipfocals, because—to put it
gonna wear regular glasses
and you’re not gonna argue
about it. Thinking outside the
box is not allowed. (Ooh, an
Allowed Cloud!) Yet notice
how my biggest failures in
life were because I did as I
was told—so tough toilets.
No revolution has ever been
won by “good behavior.”
Much to my delight,
I discovered bipfocals had
already been invented—but
nobody had ever told me. So
I buyed the best damn pair of
bipfocals I’ve ever seen.
(That’s because they’re the only pair I’ve ever seen!) They look like sunglasses but eat like eyeglasses. But
they’re neither. They’re bipfocals.
It is poor etiquette to wear sunglasses in certain settings, such as courtrooms and schools. So don’t wear
bipfocals there either. On second thought, wear them at school. If they make you take them off, fart real loud.
That’s what everyone does at school anyway.
May my vision loss never be mentioned by anyone again.
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