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You need to use the APA Template

Candace Chi

No spaces between paragraphs.


Indent first line of each paragraph 1/2 inch

Engl-102
You have not used all the sources in the Reference list.

Professor Storm
3/6/16

This is a good informative essay, but you have not used 3 key terms to create
a way to define your understanding of vaccines in relation to your stance. You have
most of the information you need, but you do not have it organized and presented
correctly.
give
a better title
What are your key terms. They should help
define vaccines based on your stance on the
subject and then you refute

Definition Argument of Vaccines

what type of defnition? Official?

There are different opinions to define a vaccine. The definition of a vaccine is, any preparation

1/2" indent

used as a preventive inoculation to confer immunity against a specific disease, usually employing
an innocuous form of the disease agent, as killed or weakened bacteria or viruses, to stimulate
antibody production. (Dictionary.com) Vaccines can be effective in different ways. People of
many different ages can be vaccinated in order to be protected from dangerous illnesses. Vaccines
overgeneralization

what is it?

semicolon

what is it?

can cure people with disease, however, some may argue that it causes more problems than it solves.
thesis should be about your definition.
are the three key terms you will use
Overall people are grateful for using vaccines to cure their illness. What
to define your understanding of vaccines.

Where is the topic sentence that tells the reader the first key term - cure of some illnesses?
in quotes and capitalize

1/2" indent

who are they?

According to Introduction: Vaccines and global health, they have claim that recent successes

in the deployment of vaccines against major infections of childhood and the challenges faced in
developing vaccines against diseases such as human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), malaria
&

missing p. #

and tuberculosis (Greenwood, Salisbury, Hill, 2011). In other words, they believe that vaccines
et al (date) verb tense

are reliable to use. Greenwood also argues that more affordable vaccines increase health in the
modern world. When vaccines are affordable, more people can take that advantage to help their
et al (date) verb tense

sickness. Another fact from Greenwood is, Hepatitis B virus (HBV) and human papilloma virus
quotation marks
go here
(HPV) vaccines are already being used successfully to prevent liver and cervical cancers.

no quotation marks here

(Greenwood, Salisbury,
Hill, 2011). These two vaccines are helping the human race to prevent
p. #
different types of cancers in our bodies. The authors of this essay prove the definition of vaccines.
They put a lot of information of how vaccines are effective to Americans.
what is the key term you are using to define your understanding of the definition of vaccines. You have to give the key
term so that the reader knows what you are proving.
what is the key term?
Even though vaccines
1/2" indent

can treat people illness, others believe there is another way to describe

vaccines. People are saying that vaccines are full with dangerous toxins of mercury. The vaccines
verb tense

that are injecting in our body are filled with mercury. A parent will be concern that pumping too
title in quotes

possessive

much mercury in a young child will affect their child brain. In the article called Vaccines and Your
sentence structure

Child: Separating Fact from Fiction, an example of vaccines has an effect on is Pediarix causes
&

, p. #).

redness or swelling in 7 of 100 more infants than individual doses... (Offit, Moser, 2011). This
there is only 1 vaccine?

transition doesn't work

fact demonstrates that vaccine does have a serious side effect on children. Addition to the same
source, they claim that Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) shows proof that
citaiton

vaccines cause severe allergic reactions in people. Having allergic reactions from vaccines is
terrible for Americans because the point of being vaccinated is to not get sick.

1/2" indent

Despite the negative feedback on vaccines, there is a positive alternative in this. Vaccines can
sentence structure

be used for diseases such like rubella and hepatitis B, have helped reduce long-term illnesses.
Having the vaccine is a great advantage to all people who have rubella and hepatitis B. This is a
no contractions

all long-term illnesses?

major accomplishment for vaccines because people wont be suffering for long-term illnesses.
word form

There is another disease called polio, which vaccine can prevent. Polio causes acute paralysis. In
sentence structure

the outcome of having polio it can lead children to be using braces, crutches and wheelchairs. This
horrific event can have an impact on children and parents lives. Stopping vaccination against polio

verb choice

will leave people susceptible to infection with poliovirus. This event will trigger a serious
don't tell. Make statement

consequence afterwards. This situation demonstrates the definition of how vaccines prevent longterm illness.

word form
1/2" indent

word choice

In spite of the great affects that vaccine has produce, there is another anti side of vaccines.
There has been a linkage between vaccines and other diseases like rubella and measles in young
tell more.

adults. An example of this was in the late 1970s in Texas. A college is more likely to be exposed
word choice

of the outbreak of rubella and measles because they are in a crowded place. Instead, children are
&

not exposed to a natural infection (Crawford, Gremillion, 1981). This frightful situation is to

This
paragraph
is all over
the place
with no
transitions.

what communities

illustrate the definition of a vaccine. The communities have contributed to outbreaks of vaccineall communities

subj/verb agree

preventable diseases, in Texas. Disappointing as it seems, communities believes that vaccines were
who are they?

the cause of the measles in Texas. They are not safe from the outbreak of measles and rubella in
only Texas

Texas. The rubella and measles outbreak shock Americans that vaccine made the problem. Parents
are refusing to give their child a vaccine because of the measles and the rubella.

sentence structure and logic


1/2" indent

Vaccines can cure all different types of disease. People are in risk, if they are refusing vaccine
sentence structre

treatment. Not treating patients with vaccines can lead to a consequence result. Infants cannot
sure about this

survive without any treatment of vaccine. When babies are born, they can be exposed from germs
fragment and relevance

in the air. Vaccines, which was establish long ago to defeat diphtheria. According to journal
quotation marks not italics

Considerations for Combination Vaccine Development and Use in the Developing World, the
vaccine diphtheria-tetanus-pertussis vaccine (DTP), has been created to eradicate the spread of
diphtheria (Jos Luis Di Fabio and&Ciro de Quadros, 2001). Vaccines defeated deadly illness,

It doesn't
make sense

sentence structure

sentence wording

(date)

which solves all individuals problems. Information that Fabio and Quadros presented was
combination vaccine will decrease the distress of vaccine recipients and parents and also reduce
the delivery cost of vaccines. The author points out how vaccines are used to help citizens.
Relevance? What is the key term and how is this information associated with it?

sentence structure
1/2" indent

In contrast of how vaccines cure illness, others oppose the definition of this statement. There
verb form

is evidence showed that vaccines are often unsafe and ineffective. In fact, some vaccines cause
citation

new diseases. Ingredients in vaccine can contain dangerous elements. Thimerosal (mercury) in
verb tense

vaccines was damaging children. For instance, studies have shown harmful effects of mercury
this source is no in the references - add it.

and symptoms of autism are alike (Jie Zhang, John J. Wheeler, 2010). The effects were motor,
immune, and behavioral dysfunctions. Researchers have considered that mercury plays a part in
autism because it is in fish and Thimerosal containing vaccine which has the effect on mothers
This shouldn't be use to define

and newborns. In a way, the evidence proposed how vaccines should be defined.your stance of the topic.

sentence sturcture
1/2" indent

Vaccines do have their down sides, but they are responsible for their actions. Vaccine-

preventable diseases dropped ever since vaccines were licensed. The FDA authorizes all
vaccines. For example, one vaccine that is approved from the FDA is pneumococcal vaccine.
Pneumococcal vaccine is made from 7-valent polysaccharide-protein. This vaccine is acceptable
tiles go in quotation marks.

for infants and young children. In the article, Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices of
the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), have recommended this vaccine six
wrong in-text citation

sentence structure

months ago (Peter,2006). The pneumococcal vaccine had a shortage supply because its new and
no slang

you are not repeating

kids who had disease needed pneumococcal the most. To repeat, this evidence presents how
vaccines can health community.

1/2" indent

Although vaccines verifications by FDA, others disagree the side effects of vaccines.
no slang

Vaccines might give a reaction to some kids. Influenza is a vaccine that is made from eggs.

what is the
purpose of this
paragraph?

&

There are 1 out of 200 people in the United Stated that are allergic to eggs (Offit, Moser, 2011).
do not capitalize

Allergic reactions from Influenza can cause hives, breathing and low blood pressure. The Human
sentence structure

and Health H&H services state that there have been negative reactions in children, like Influenza.
wrong word
1/2" indent

In spite of vaccines curing illness, there were bad pints of views on vaccines. To be
fragment

specific, the side effects, the ingredients, and dangerous elements. Regarding the negative
feedback, there are positive influences of vaccines like the recent successes in the deployment
of vaccines against major infections of childhood and the challenges faced in developing
vaccines against diseases such as human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), malaria and
" (Greenwood et al, 2011, p. #).

do not start with also

tuberculosis (Greenwood, Salisbury, Hill, 2011). Also, vaccines for diseases such as rubella and
hepatitis B have helped reduce long-term illnesses caused by these diseases. Vaccines cure all All????
different types of disease. Lastly, vaccines were authorized by the FDA.

You have not closed this paragraph.


What is the purpose of this paragraph?

fragment
1/2" indent

In closing, people of many different ages can be vaccinated in order be protected from
pro agre

all diseases

dangerous illnesses. Vaccines can be effective in different ways. It can cure people with disease,
pro agree

pro agree

however some may argue that it causes more problems than it solves. One possible compromise
pro agree

is that people who disagree with the definition of vaccine should see the difference that it made
for many years. In contrast, to the people who agree with the definition of vaccine should see the
points of view of the opposing side.
You have not proven your point. You are telling, not stating. You need to focus on the academic tone more.
Your organization is disorganized and not presented well. There are paragraphs that have a lack of purpose.
Introduction - hook, introduce 3 key terms to be used to define you stance of the topic, thesis.
Body paragraph 1 - Key term 1 explanation in relevance to topic and evidence/citations .
Body paragraph 2 - Key term 2 explanation in relevance to topic and evidence/citations
Body paragraph 3 - Key term 3 explanation in relevance to topic and evidence/citations
Body paragraph 4 - Refutation of the 3 key terms
Conclusion - restate the thesis, review the 3 key terms, close.

Fix to APA format acceptable

Reference Page

Greenwood, B., Salisbury, D., & Hill, A. V. S.. (2011). Introduction: Vaccines and global

health. Philosophical Transactions: Biological Sciences, 366(1579), 27332742. Retrieved from


http://www.jstor.org/stable/23035622

OFFIT, PAUL A., and CHARLOTTE A. MOSER. Vaccines and Your Child: Separating

Fact from Fiction. Columbia University Press, 2011. Web...

"Childhood Vaccines Are Important to Public Health." Should Vaccinations be

where is this
used in the
Mandatory?
essay

Ed. Roman Espejo. Farmington Hills, MI: Greenhaven Press, 2014. At Issue. Rpt.

from "Part 3: More About Vaccines." Parent's Guide to Childhood Immunizations. Vol. 31. 2012.
Opposing Viewpoints in Context. Web. 28 Feb. 2016.

Crawford, G. E., & Gremillion, D. H.. (1981). Epidemic Measles and Rubella in Air Force

Recruits: Impact of Immunization. The Journal of Infectious Diseases, 144(5), 403410. Retrieved
from http://www.jstor.org/stable/30109453

Jos Luis Di Fabio, & de Quadros, C.. (2001). Considerations for Combination Vaccine

Development and Use in the Developing World. Clinical Infectious Diseases, 33, S340S345.
Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/4482983

Georges Peter. (2006). Tailoring the Strategies to Specific Shortages: Pneumococcal

In-text citation
does not
Conjugate
match

Vaccine.

Clinical

Infectious

http://www.jstor.org/stable/4463698

Diseases,

42,

S138S140.

Retrieved

from