Huidor1

YlianaHuidor
ProfessorLo
RaceandSocialJustice
26May2016

JigsawFallingintoPlace:AnIntellectualAutobiography

Foreword
:
Ithinkthatinorderformetoillustratemypersonalbeliefs,values,andthepeople(places,media,
etc.)thathaveinfluencedmeIhavetolookatmylifefromadifferentperspective.Likeanoutofbody
experience,Ihavetostepoutofmyskin,haveaseatsomewhere,pressrewind,andwatcheverything
unfoldbeforemyeyes.DespiteeverythingIhaveencompassedsofarinmyshortlife,Ihavehadand
continuetohaveaveryblessedlife.InthispaperIwillcovercountlessexperiencesandevents,whichIll
refertoaspieces,thatIbelievehaveshapedmeintothepersonIam.WiththatbeingsaidIhavedivided
thispaperbyvarious,significantpiecesfrommylifethatIbelievehavehelpedputthisjigsaw,calledmylife,
together.
1stPiece:TheFirstDayofFreshmenYearandtheLastDayofSeniorYearEndedtheSameWay...
Intears.Ifindittrulycomicalthatmyfirstandlastdayofhighschoolendedthesameway,butI
guesslifeisfunnythatway.ThecausesformytearsoneachdaywerenotonlytotallydifferentbutIbelieve
thattheywereverytellingofthepersonIwasbecomingandno,contrarytopopularbelief,thatpersonisnot
anemotionalwreck.
ThefirstdayandIalreadyhadseveralhomeworkassignments(Ihatethisplacealready!),Ihadto
purchaseevenmoreschoolsupplies(couldIaffordit?),IrealizedIhadwalkedaroundlookinghorrific(who
allowedmetowalkoutofthehousewithhotpinkskinnyjeans??),andtotopitoffmyP.Eclasswascoed(I
hateboys!).Needlesstosay,Iwasmortified.Highschoolisashallowplaceandthusitisnosecretthatthe
secrettosuccessisappearanceandpopularity,sonaturallyIgotaBrazilianBlowout.ThisBrazilianBlowout
wouldstraightenmycurlyhairforamonthandgivemealltheconfidencethatIneededtotalktoforbidden
fruitsoftheschool,alsoknownasseniorboys.Butthisismylifeandnothingeverseemstogoasplanned.
AtP.Ethatday,theteachertoldusthatwewouldbestartingswimthenextdayandIswearIfeltmyheart
plungeintomygutbecausenotonlywouldIhavetoswimaroundinthesamepoolashorny,freshmenboys
butmostimportantly,mybeautifulstraighthairwouldbecompletelyruined.Iwenthomeoverwhelmed,
anxious,absolutelyhysterical,andIcriedmyheartout.
AotalTsshole(namechangedforvariousreasons)brokemyheart.Itwasthelastdayofsenior
year,alsothedaybeforegraduation,andAotalbrokeupwithme.Itisnotabletomentionthathedidsovia.
textmessage.Tobacktrackabit,Irememberastheendoftheschoolyearwasapproachinghebecame
increasinglydistant,thingswerebecomingawkwardandtense,andtoquoteDrake,nothingwasthesame.
Iwasconcernedaboutthestateofourrelationship,onethatIvaluedverymuch,soinallmysassandglory,
Icalledhimout.Afteraseriesoflongtextmessageswedecidedtotalkaboutit,facetoface,duringabreak
betweenclasses.Tothisday,Iamproudofhowcool,calm,andcollectedIwasduringtheentireexchange,
he,however,wasnot.Hewasananxiousmess,fidgety,frustrated,andintears.Yes,
he
wasessentially
breakingupwithmeand
he
wascryingsomethingIwillneverunderstandtothisday.Iwasgoingoffto
collegeinOregonandhewasstayinginCaliforniaandgoingtocollegethere.Hedidnotbelieveinthe
conceptoflongdistancerelationshipsthusforhimitwasbasicallyinwiththenew,outwiththeYliana.To
quoteAotal,Icantseethisworkingbecauseofme.Isupposethatwashissorryrenditionoftheinfamous
itsnotyou,itsme.Fortunately,thebellforclassrangandIhadtoscurryofftohonorsphysics,another
hellofitsown.Asyoumayhaveguess,whenIwenthomelaterthatnighthetextedmethathecouldnot
dothisanymore.Hedumpedme.Doyouknowwhathappenedthen?Icriedmyeyesout.


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Nowyoumaybewonderinghowthesetwototallydifferenteventshaveanyrelevanceor
importanceinthedevelopmentofmypersonalbeliefsandvalues.Youmayevenbewonderinghowandif
botheventsareevenrelative.Imheretotellyouthatyes,yestheyareeverybitrelative,relevant,and
important.FrommyfreshmentosenioryearmyvaluesandIhadbothchanged.Myfreshmenand
sophomoreyearIwasveryconcernedwithimageandsocialstatus.Iwantedtolookacertainway,bea
certainway,hangoutwithcertainpeople,talkacertainwayIwantedeverythinginmybeingtonotbeme.
Inallhonesty,IdontbelieveIhadanyvaluesmyfirsttwoyearsofhighschool,Iwasjustgoingwiththeflow
andindoingsoIlosttrackofmyselfandwhoIcouldbe.Ijustwantedtogetgoodgrades(whichwasnta
badthing)andhavealotoffriends,Iwantedtobecoolandwellknown.Lookingback,mostofmyconcerns
werepainfullysuperficial.ThiscanbeperfectlyexemplifiedbythefactthatIthrewafitovermyhairofall
things.Iwassimplyfocusedonthewrongpartsofmyself.Ishouldhavebeenfocusedondevelopingmy
personalvalues,learningtolovemyselfasIwas,andmakinglonglastingfriendshipsbasedonpersonal
interestandstrongconnections.Bymysenioryear,Ihadchangedforthebestandasfarascryingwent,I
believeIwasexpressingmysorrowsandfrustrationsfortherightreasonsthistime.Thatwasthemost
myselfIhadeverbeen.Iwasspeakingupformyselfmore,dressingthewayIwantedto,expressing
myselfmore,andIrealizedtheactualimportanceofvalues.Ivaluedfriendship,beingmyself,family,
honesty,courage,andbravery.Highschoolis4longyearsthatgoesbyfasterthanyouthink,alotof
changeshappenwithinthoseyearsandtheyhavemoreofanimpactonyourlifethanyouthinktheycould,
thatisifyouletit.WouldIredohighschool?Absolutelynot,onetriptohellandbackismorethanenough
forme.ButIwouldbefoolishtosaythatitwasacompletelyawful,harrowingexperience.Ilearnedagreat
dealaboutlifeandalsoaboutmyself.Irealizedwhatchangewasandwhatitmeanttochange.Aboveall
andinmanyaspects,Itrulyrealizedthatwhatismeanttobe,willbeandthereareprobablygood,logical
reasons(beyondmyknowledge)astowhycertainpeoplearenolongerinmylife.Forallofmylifelessons
andvaluesthatIlearned,Ihadmymother,music,cultclassicmovies,running,eventhevillainswho
screwedmeovertothank.However,asnarcissisticasitmaysound,Ihavemyselftothankforallowing
myselftomakethechangesthatIneededtomakemyselfabetterperson.
2ndPiece:DontBeaPussy:MeetingmyFirstLove
CoachBaird,thebestcrosscountrycoachintheuniverse,alwaystoldusnotbepussies.Whether
itwasbecausewewereexhaustedanddidnotwanttorunanymoreorbecausewewerenervousabouta
race,hewouldtellustosuckitup,stopcomplaining,andtojustdoit.Healwaysgavethebestadvice,from
recommendingthatwelistentomorePinkFloyd(hewasobsessedwiththatbandandnowIamproudto
announcethatPinkFloydisoneofmyfavoritebands)totellingusthatduringarace,ifsomeonefallsnext
usnottohelpthemupbuttoratherrunfasterbecauseitstheperfectchancetomakeanadvancement.
WhenCoachBairdpassedaway(R.I.P)inthemiddleofcrosscountryseasonmysophomoreyear,alot
changed,butthankfullymyloveforrunningremained.Granted,IoweitalltoCoachforintroducingmetomy
firstlove,whichisrunning.IcanhonestlysaythatifCoachBairdwasntthecoachofthecrosscountry
teamIwouldnothavejoinedtheteamandthusIwouldhavenevergottentomeetmyfirstloveintheway
thatIdid.NoonehaseverbelievedinmeasmuchasCoachBairddid,noonehaseverseenasmuch
potentialinmethanCoachBaird,nooneeverpushedmethathard.InlifeIhavealwaysfeltinvisiblelikeI
coulddisappearandnoonewouldevernotice.PeopleneverknewwhoIwasandalwaysforgotmyname.
Ylianawho?ButCoachBairdsawme,hemademefeellikeIactuallyexistedandhadapurpose.Because
ofhimandhisneverendingencouragementImadeitontoVarsitymyfreshmenyear.IdidntthinkIwas
worthit,buthequicklycorrectedme.Hewasarealtoughlovetypeofguy,buthehadthebiggestsoftspot
forourteam.IdontthinkIcouldeverthankhimenough.FromhimIlearneddedication,motivation,passion,
whatitmeanstotrulylovesomething,commitmentandloyalty(tomyteammatesandrunningitself),and
determination.Ilearnedhowtobreatheproperlywhenrunning(likeyouregivingbirthashewouldsay),I
learnedhowtoworkhard,runhard,howtobelieveinmyself,andIlearnedtheimportanceofnot
complainingsomuchandtotakeitlikethechampionIwas.SoCoach,ifyourelistening,thankyoufor


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everything,forexisting,fordrivingustoracesinyouroldfourdoorToyotaandplayingPinkFloyd,forthe
toughlove,fortheencouragement,forallyourtimeandeffortintomeandeachindividualteammember,for
knowingandrememberingmyname,fornotmakingmeseemforgettable,andmostofallthankyouforthe
deliciousEnduroxaftereachpractice.

3rdPiece:TheDiagnosis
MysophomoreyearofhighschoolIdiscoveredthattherewasactuallyalegitimatereasonformy
constantstateofunhappinessanddisquietude.Asafunaddedbonusforme,therewasevenan
explanationformyimpulsetopulloutmyhair.Tomyrelief,itturnedoutIactuallyhad(stillhave)Major
DepressiveDisorder(MDD),GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder(GAD),andTrichotillomania(Trich).AtleastI
knewIwasntcrazy.SinceIwas9yearsoldIcanrememberalwaysbeinganxiousandworryingabout
everylittleaspectoftheday,worryingaboutthingsthatchildrenshouldnotbeworriedabout.Ialwaysfelt
thishugeknotinmystomachandmymindalwaysseemedtobespinningat95MPH,thatfeelinglingered
onwellintomyadolescence.Icanalsovividlyrecallbeingregularlysadandthoughdepressionismuch
morethanjustafeelingofsadness,forachild,whogrewupinaveryloving,supportive,andhappy
household,toalwaysbesounhappywasabitpeculiar.NowonthesurfaceIwasfineandIfunctioned(until
Igotolder),butittrulydidpuzzlemeastowhyIfeltthisunbelievableweightwithinmeandthissomberness
forreasonsunknown,IguessItrulythoughtthatwhatIwasfeelingwasnormalsinceIdidnotknowany
otherfeelingsasintimately.
Fastforwardtomysophomoreyear,thatdepressionfrommychildhoodthatIcouldeasilyignore
begantodemandtobefelt.Itturnedintothiscripplingdepression,followedbythecripplinganxiety,and
toppedoffbycompulsivehairpulling.IknewIshouldsaysomething,butIwasdeathlyafraidto.Ididntwant
toworrymymom.However,itwasntjustthefactthatmydepressionandanxietywererapidly
metamorphosingintothisabominablemonsterthatcausedmetodosomeonlineresearch(shoutoutto
WebMDandPsychCentral),itwasalsothepersistentsuicidalthoughtsthatrangthealarmforme.I
rememberreadingthelistofsymptomsandvigorouslynoddingmyheadinagreementandtakingseveral
onlineteststhatalltoldmeessentiallythesamething:yourmentalhealthisinshambles,seekhelp
ASAPyouneedit.StillIcouldntfindthegutstobreakthenewstomymom,soItoldmybestfriendatthe
time,EstefaniaMuoz,first.AfterweeksofrelentlessremindersbyStef,IfinallydecidedIwouldtellmy
mom.Ireallyshouldnthavebeensosurprised,butIwasamazedathowsupportiveandacceptingmymom
waswhenItoldherthatIthinkitwouldbebestformetoseeapsychologist.Mymentalhealthjourneyhas
beenalengthy,agonizingoneandalthoughIamaselfproclaimedpessimist,IamproudthatIwasableto
seesomegoodemergefromthediagnosis.Ilearnedabouttheimportanceofspeakingupformyself,I
realizedthataskingforhelpdoesnotequatetoweakness,Ilearnedthatitsoktonotbeok,andIalso
realizedhowcriticalitistolistentomybodyandmymind.However,themostimportantlessonIlearned,
whichisnowalsoapersonalbeliefofmine,istheuttergravityofmentalillnessandmentalhealth.Sothank
youStef,foralwaysaskingmehowIwasdoingknowingthatmyresponsewasandwouldneverbegood
andthankyoufornaggingthetruthoutofme.Andthankyoumom,foreverything.
4thPiece:TheHospitalization:IFlewOvertheCuckoosNest
Picturethis,itsthefirstdayofsenioryearandeveryoneisexcitedandhappytobeback,itisthe
finalyearofhighschoolafterall.Everyoneisaskingyouwhatyoudidforthesummer.Herearesome
acceptableresponsestothequestion:Isleptallday,Ipartiedliterallyeveryday,IwenttoDisneyland,I
bingedwatchBreakingBadforthesecondtime,Ihookedupwith_(inserthis/her/theirname)____,Itook
summerclasses,Igotatattoo,etc.Hereiswhatyoudontsay:Ohme?Itsfunnyyoushouldask,Itriedto
killmyselfandspent5days/4nightsinapsychward.
Summer2014hasbeenoneofthemostdauntingofmylife.Thestateofmydepressionwasrapidly
goingfrombadtoworsetopotentiallydeadly.ItsasifIwasstandingoutsideofmyselfandwatching
everythingIknewandeverythingaboutmyselfjustcrumbletothefloor.TheworstpartwasIcouldntdo
anythingbutsitandwatch.Thefeelingoffeelingyourselfsuccumbtoinsanityandlosingallsenseofreality


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istrulyone0/10wouldrecommend.Iwillsparethegorydetailsandcuttochase:Mymentalstatebecome
sofragileandseverethatItriedtoendmylifeonseveraloccasionand(thankfully)failedoneachoccasion,
butIkeptmysuicidalbehaviorandattemptstomyself.BeforeIcontinue,ifyouarereadingthisandstarting
topointfingers,pleasedont.IkeptmymentalstateverywellhiddenandonthesurfaceitseemedlikeIwas
managing.IdidthispurposelybecauseIdidnotwantmylovedonestoworryandIdidnotwanttoorknow
howtoexplainmycomplexfeelingsandmentalstate.AtthattimeIwasseeingapsychologistaboutonce
everytwoweeksandluckilyformeIduringoneofmydepressiveepisodesIhadanappointmentwiththe
psychologist.Normally,IwouldvecensoredmythoughtsandleavetheIhavebeenhavingpersistent,
intrusivesuicidalthoughtsoutoftheconversation,butIwassoovertheedgeandventinglikeatotal
madmanthateverythingcamespewingoutofmymouth.ThepsychologistactedfastedandsuggestedthatI
beadmittedtoahospitalimmediately.Shewasrequiredbylawtotellmymomallofthedetailsandmy
momeagerlyagreedthatIbecheckedin,sinceIwasaminoratthattimeIhadnochoicebuttogo.Iacted
likeIwasabsolutelylividwithmymother,whentruthfullyIwasonlymoderatelyangered,butdeepdownI
wassorelievedbecauseIknewIwasamajorthreattomyself.
TothisdayIfirmlybelievethatthehospitalwasoneofthebest,mostnecessaryexperiencesofmy
life.IgainedsomuchmorethanIthoughtIloss.Forone,IrealizedjusthowcourageousIwasandbelieve
meIneverthoughtofmyselfasbeingcourageousorbrave,butthatsummerIprovedmyselfsowrong.
ThroughmultiplegrouptherapysessionsIdiscoveredjusthowimportantexpressingmyselfandvoicingmy
thoughtsoutloudwere.IwasdonesuppressingmynegativethoughtsbecauseIdidntneedanyadditional
weightscrushingme.Duringmystay,Iwasabletonotquitedefeat,butseriouslyimprovebysocialanxiety.
Lastly,Ibegantoearnestlyvaluefriendshipmorethaneverbefore.Duringthisjourney,mymomwasthe
biggesthelpIcouldeverimagine,fromvisitingmeinthehospitalandbringingmemyfavoriteJaneAusten
novelstokeepingmynoseyfamilyoutofmybusiness,shewasthereformeandsupportivethewholeway.
However,noonehadasmuchinfluenceonmeasIandid.IanwasaguyImetatthehospitalwhowasinfor
thesamereasonasIwas.Despitebeingmajorlydepressed,hewassofulloflife,sofriendly,open,and
honest.Ionlyknewhimfor5measlydaysbutheisbyfaroneofthebestpeopleIhaveevermetonthis
planet.IkepttomyselfanddidnttalkmuchbutIalwayslookedoutformeandalwaystriedtoincludemein
conversationsandgetmetotalk.IbelievethatthemainreasonwhyIhavebeenabletomakesuch
progressonmysocialanxietyisbecauseofIan.IdontknowwhereheisnowbutIhopethatheisnotjust
alivebutalsoliving.Hetaughtmetheimportanceofbeingmyselfandexpressingmyself.Healsotaughtme
theimportanceofcaringforothersandhowtobalanceselflessnesswithselfishness.Ian,Ihopethatyou
arehappywhereveryoumaybeandthankyouforsonicelyyankingmeoutofmyshell.
5thPiece:LedZeppelinShouldHaveMadeaSongCalledLeavingCalifornia
ThesongGoingtoCaliforniabyLedZeppelin,oneofthegreatestbandstoevergracethisplanet,
isessentiallyaboutjustthattakingatriptoCalifornia.However,inthesummerof2015,Iwouldbeleaving
CaliforniaandmovingtoPortland,OregontostartcollegeatPortlandStateUniversity.
Iwasdefinitelyexcitedtostartanewchapterofmylifebutofcoursethethoughtofleavingmy
family,friends,preciousSanDiegobeaches,myroom,and18yearsworthofmemoriesbehindwas
gnawingateveryinchofmybeing.Thus,itisnosurprisethatthatsummerwasanemotionalrollercoaster,
filledwithmanymanylowsandafew,preciousandunforgettablehighs.Fromspendingtimewithmy
siblings,toavoidingcertainpeople(andresponsibilities),frombingewatchingTheOfficeandSonsof
Anarchy,tolatenightdrivestoSonicforicecreamBlasts,sleepoverswithfriends,spendingdaysatthe
beach,spendingmoneyonthingsIdidnotneed,leavingpersonal,handwrittenlettersonthewindshieldsof
certainpeoples*vehicle,visitstomyuberhipsterpsychiatrist,goingtoshallowposthighschoolparties,
fromsittingonmygrandmotherslapandeatingherfood,topacking,andeverythingelseinbetween,I
learnedcountless,valuablelessonsthathavestuckwithmetothisday.Ilearnedtheimportanceofletting
goofpeople,thepast,andcertainsituations.Ionceagainlearnedtheimportanceandpoweroffriendships.
Irealizedthatlivingformyselfwasnotselfish,butratheranecessityandIlearnedthatadventureswere


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essentialforhelpingmebreakthroughmyrestrictingcomfortzone.Mostimportantly,Ilearnedtostop
fearingchallengesandlearnedtostartsayingbringitonnomatterhowexhaustedorpetrifiedIwas.For
theselessonsandvaluesIhaveheartbreak,mybestfriends,music,mymother,mysiblings,mygrandma,
andallofthemanychallengesthatlifehurledatme,nomatterhowunpreparedImayhavebeen,tothank.
6thPiece:ButIveNeverReallyLikedRamen:OnCollege
ItookmainlyallAPandHonorsclassesinhighschoolsothetransitionfromhighschoolclassesto
collegeclasseswasnotthatintimidatingme.Nottosaythatmyclasseswerentincrediblychallenging,
becausetheywere,buttheywerentmybiggestproblem.Forone,Iwouldnotbelivingoncampus.InsteadI
amliving45minutesawaywithmykook,anxietyinducingauntanduncleandalthoughIamblessedthat
theycansoheavilyhelpwithmyfinances,Ifeelveryisolatedandbecauseofthedistanceithasbeenvery
challengingformetomakefriendsandparticipateinschoolactivities.Ifeelleftoutofthecollege
experiencebecauseImeanIshouldbegoingtoinfamouscollegepartieswithpeopleIhardlyknowinstead
ofstayinginonaFridayreadingexistentialphilosophy,right?IshouldbeeatingRamenwithmyroommates
at2:30AM,right?Myselfesteemhasneverbeenaslowasitisnowandmyskinhasneverbeenasbad.
Socialmediahasturnedmeintothisenviousmonster,plaguingmymindwith:whycantIlooklikeher,why
cantIhavethat,whyamIlikethis,whyishewithher,whyistheirlifesofabandminesodrab,andwhy
cantIbeashappyastheyare?MysleepcyclehasneverbeennormaltakingAPandHonorsclassesin
highschoolandImnaturallyanightowl,butnowIamgettingevenlesssleepandIamconstantly
exhausted.Ihavealwaysbeenanavidcoffeedrinker,butIhaveneverappreciateditasmuchasIdonow.
Butthebiggestchallengebyfarhavebeenmymentalillnesses.EventhoughIhavebeenhospitalized
before,thistheworstmydepressionhaseverbeen.Ihavetakenover10medicationsinthepast2ishyears
andIhaveyettofindthemedicationthatworksforme.Thedepressionhasgottensoseverethateven
electroconvulsivetherapywassuggested,thatwasafirstforme.Ireallydoubtthatthisiswhattheymean
whentheysaycollegeisfulloffirsts.Collegehasbeentheconsistentfeelingofachickenrunningaround
withoutitshead.Collegeisconfusion.Collegeishard.Collegeiscruel.Collegeisunfair.Collegeisanxiety.
Collegeisdepression.Collegeisdisappointment.Collegeislossofmotivation.Collegeisashattered
selfesteem.Collegeisselfloathing.Collegeissuicidalthinking.Collegeismentalbreakdowns.
Butthetruthiscollegehasntbeenallbad.ImeanthewordsIsaidabovearealltrue,butthatsjust
therealityoflife.Notmanypeoplearegoingtodisplaytheharshrealitiesofthechallengesyouencounterat
theuniversity.NofiltercanmakeIfailedmytestorIhavelostallinterestinlifeormyfriendsdontreally
careaboutmelookpretty,becausetheyrenot.Iamthankfulformynotsotraditionalcollegeexperience.
UnlikeotherpeopleIknow,ithasnotbeenshallow,ithasbeenbrutallyhonest,ithascutdeep,and
becauseofthisIhavelearnedsomanyvaluablelessonsandmostimportantly,Ihavelearnedsomuch
aboutmyself.
IlearnedwhatbeingindependentreallymeantandIhavegrowntoreallyloveandappreciatemy
independence.IhavelearnedtoacceptmyselfthewayIamandalthoughthisisstillaworkinprogress,this
isthemostacceptingofmyselfIhaveeverbeen.Ihavegrownmoreandmorecontentwithbeinginmyown
company,infactIenjoyitquiteabit,andIhaveacceptedandImokwiththefactthatIamanantisocial
introvert.IamtryingtolearntheimportanceofmindfulnessandIamactivelypracticingtheartoflettinggo.I
havelearnedtheimportanceofmonitoringandlimitingmyuseofsocialmediaandIhaverealizedthatjust
becausesomeoneelsehasagoodlifedoesntmeanthatIhaveabadlife.MostofallIhavelearnedtolove
learning.CollegeisaonehugelearningprocessandIhavesomuchmoretogoanditthrillsmetoknow
thatIhaveendlesspotentialtogetmentallybetter.Iamthankfulformyfamilyandmymotherforkeeping
megroundedandshowingmewhatitistocarewithoutlimits,formusicandrunningforbeingthebest
copingmechanismandforalwaysbeingthereformewhenthosewhosaidweregoingtobetherewerent.I
amthankfulforallthecurveballsthatlifehasthrownatmeanditisbecauseofallofthesefactorsIcantruly
appreciatemybraveryandresilience.
7thPiece:ILearnedAboutEpiphaniesinAPEuro


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Epiphany(

i
pifn)noun.1.Amomentinwhichyousuddenlyseeorunderstandsomethingina
neworveryclearway(takenfrom
MerriamWebster
).
IremembersophomoreyearinmyAPEuropeanHistoryclasswewerereadingaboutthe
revolutionary,MartinLuther,andhowhesupposedlyhadanepiphanythatinspiredhimtocreatehisfamous
95
Theses
.IrememberMr.Stone,theteacher,askingusifA)weknewwhatanepiphanywasandB)ifany
ofushadeverhadone?SeveralofmyclassmatesrosetheirhandsupbutIdidnot.Ihadneverheardof
oneuntilthatdaybutIknewthatitsoundedreallycoolandIhopedthatItoowouldexperienceone
someday.
About6monthsago,duringanerratic,depressivementalbreakdownthattookplaceat3AM,Ihad
anepiphany.BeforegoingintothedetailsofmygrandepiphanyIshouldshedsomelightonwhatexactly
triggeredmymentalbreakdown.Thementalbreakdownwasamotleycombinationofschoolstress,financial
worries,generalconfusionanduneasiness,anoveralleeriestateofcripplingdepression,anabsolutely
stingingfeelingofloneliness,anunnervingfearofmyuncertainfuture,andofcourse,postheartbreakblues.
IwaswritinginmyjournalonthefloorofmybedroomandIcouldfeelatornadokickstartinginmyhead.I
justlostitandstartedcryinghysterically,stillcontinuingtowritefrantically.Ishouldprobablyexplainwhat
exactlyIwaswritingaboutsoyoucanfurtherunderstandthismomentandtosparemyownembarrassment
Iwillkeepitconcise.Iwasessentiallywritingaboutalostfriendship,howthatfriendhurtme,andhowthe
friendandthesituationmademefeelutterlyworthlessandeasilyreplaceable.Themaliciouswordsand
actionsdonebythispersonwereallIcouldseeandIstartedtobelievethatmaybeourfallingoutwasreally
myfaultbecauseofwhoIwas.
OncethetearsfinallysubsidedIrememberAnthemsforaSeventeenYearOldGirlbyBroken
SocialSceneclearlyplayinginthebackgroundandthen
it
happened.Likemagic,likealightbulbsuddenly
flickeredoninsidemyhead,IknewwithoutadoubtthatwhatIwasexperiencingwasanepiphany.Irecallat
thatmomentmypenandwordschangingdirections.Inthatrevealingscene,IbegantorealizethefactsI
neededtobeawareofinordertoupliftmymood.IrealizedthatthefallingoutwasntmyfaultbecauseI
alwaysdidmybesttobethere,IwasntalwaysrightbutwhenIwaswrongIwasnevertooproudtoadmit
mymistakes,Ialwaystriedmyhardesttobeagoodcompanion,Ididmybesttobeunderstanding,andat
alltimesIwasalwaysmyself.Irealizedthatthispersonswalkingoutofmylifehadnoreflectiononme,in
otherwords,itsnot
me
,its
you
.Iwasthatfriendwhoalwayshadwittycomebacksandoddballquestions
abouttheuniverse,butaboveallIwasthatpersonwhowouldneverjudgeyouandwhoyoucouldtell
anythingandeverythingto.
ItamazesmetothisdayhowmuchIhavelearnedfromthatepiphany.Thebiggestrealizationwas
thatIshouldneverbasemyselfworthoffanotherpersonsfeelings,attitudes,actions,andbeliefsaboutme.
Thatpersoncouldlovemetothemoonandback,theycouldhateeveryinchofmybeing,ortheycouldfeel
totalindifferencetowardmeanditshouldnotdefymyselfworth,Iamnotworthynomatterwhat.Butthe
moststartlingrevelationIhadwasthatsometimesittakesastrange,instinctiveperceptionofreality,an
epiphany,togettheanswersyouwerelookingforordidntevenknowyouwerelookingfor.Sometimesyou
getsofedupinfindingtheanswersyouforgetwhatexactlyyouarelookingforbecauseyougetso
entrappedinyourmind.Youbecomesoobsessedwithtryingtomakesenseofsituationsthatarenotlonger
relevantinyourlifeanditmakesyoudononsensicalactions,likequestionyourworthorvalidity.This
epiphanyreallymademeappreciatethespontaneityoflifeandthepowerofknowingwhereyourselfworth
lies.

8thPiece:ICanUseChopsticksNow
Nowthatmyfirstyearofcollegeiswrappingup,Icanwithoutadoubtsaythatthegreatest
achievementIhaveaccomplishedisfinallylearninghowtousechopsticks.Letmeexplainwhy.
SinceIwas12Ihavelongedtobeabletousechopsticks.EverytimeIwouldgotoanAsian
restaurant,whichwasquiteoften,Iwouldwatchmyfriendsandfamilyinenvy,theymadeitlooksoeasy
andrespectively,maybeitwas,butformeitwasimpossible.Itwasalwayssohumiliatinghavingtoaskfor


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thetrainingchopsticksthathadtherubberbandsbandingbothstickstogetherorevenworsewashavingto
askforafork.AlotoftimesIjustatewithmyfingerstoavoidallembarrassmentbutthenIriskedlooking
likeafoolwithnotablemanners.Therewasjustnowinningforme.
Throughoutthoseyearsmanyhavetriedtoteachmehowtousethem.Whenmeandmyfamily
wouldgotoourfavoriteChineserestauranttheywoulddefinitelytrytohelpme.Iwouldaskthem,they
wouldtrytoshowme,Iwouldtryandfail,tryandfail,andthenIwouldjustslamthemdown,giveup,and
proceedtoaskthewaiterforafork.Infactmostofmyattemptsendedthisway.WhenmyfriendsandI
wouldgoouttogetsushitheywouldtrytoteachmetoobutitwouldusuallyendinbigfitsoflaugheratmy
failureandtempertantrums.Ofcourse,afewinstancesIwouldtrytoteachmyselfbutIneverhadthe
patience.TheinstructionswereoftenillustratedoutsidethepacketbutIcouldneverseemtogettheright
griporpickanythingup.AnothergreatincidenthasgottobeadateIwentonwiththisreallygreatguyIwas
intoatthetime.HetookmetoasushirestaurantandIhavetosaythatdatewasgoingwell.Therewasalot
ofgreatconversation,therecommendedamountofeyecontactwasbeingmade,lotsofsmiles,ohand
definitelyalotofblushing.IwasproudofthefactthatIhadnotembarrassedmyselfyetandwithmyquirky
personalityembarrassmentisafeelingIexperienceoften.Whenthefoodcamehesaidhecouldtrytoteach
me,anditwasntasromanticasyoumightthink.Althoughhedidgrabmyhandandtrytopositionmy
fingerswheretheyshouldbeandhewasverypatient,Istillcouldnotforthelifeofmegetthehangofit.I
alsowasnotpatientanddidthesamedidIalwaysdidwhichwasdefiantlythrowmychopsticksdownand
usemyhands/fork.Apparentlynoteventhepoweroflovewasenoughtoteachmehowtousechopsticks
butitwasenoughtoscoremeaseconddate,soitwasawinwinsituationIsuppose.
LastweekIwenttoasushirestaurantwithmyauntanduncleandtheunthinkablehappened.When
thefoodarrivedItoreopenthepacketofchopsticksandtoldmyselfthatIwasgoingtolearnhowtouse
them.Ididntaskanyonearoundmeforhelp,Ididntaskthewaitressfortrainers,Ididntfollowthe
instructionsonthepacket,IjustfidgetedwiththemuntilIwasabletopickupapieceasushi,andthenafew
grainsofrice,andthenapieceofchicken,andthenapieceoflettucefrommysalad.Ididit.Iwasfinally
abletousethechopsticks,withoutanybodyshelp.EventhoughIwasntusingthemthecorrectwayand
eventhoughIlookedabitawkwardusingthem,Iwasstillusingthem.
Nomatterhowclichethisanecdotemaybe,thepointremainsthatmyjourneyofattemptingtolearn
andthenfinallylearninghowtousechopstickshastaughtmeseverallessons.Forone,Ilearnedthat
patiencetrulyisavirtue.InowsincerelyvaluepatiencebecausewithjustasmallamountofpatienceIwas
abletousechopsticks.IlearnedthatIshouldntrelysoheavilyonotherpeopletoteachmethingsthatI
couldverywellbeteachingmyself.Nowthatsnottosaythatyoushouldjustquitpeopleandneveraskfor
help,buttherecomesapointwhenyouhavetotakeresponsibilityforyourownfailureandbeevenjusta
littlebitmoreindependent.Sometimesweforgetthatwehaveourselvesandwheneverythingaroundyou
goestohellinahandbasketyoucanfindsomecomfortinknowingthatyouhaveandalwayswillhave
yourself.
Overtheyearsseveralpeoplehavetoldmethattheywouldteachmehowtousechopsticks,orride
abike,orplaytheguitar,orsurf,orspeakadifferentlanguage.Theytoldmetheywouldtakemetothis
placeandthatplace,theysaidtheywoulddomanythingsbutseldomfollowedthrough.Allofthese
instanceshavetaughtmetovaluecommitmentandhonesty.Allofthesebrokenpromiseshavetaughtme
tobecautious,expecttheunexpected,expectthatsomepeoplemightletyoudownbutalsoknowthat
othersandhopefullymost,wont.Whenitcomestotheclaimsthatpeoplemaymake,learningtousethe
chopstickshavetaughtmenottobelieveuntilIseeit.Perhapsthisisaverybleakwaytolookatitall,but
afterbeingcontinuouslyletdownanddisappointedbyothersIhavelearnedtovaluetheimportanceof
findingequilibriumbetweenkeepingmyguardupanddown.Learningtousethechopstickshavetaughtme
thebeautyandstrengthofdependingonmyself.
Afterword:


Huidor8

Eacheventhastaughtmeseverallessonsandeachlesson,alongwiththeinfluencesfrompeople,
places,socialmedia,andeverythingelseinbetween,hashelpeddevelopedmypersonalbeliefsandvalues.
Insummation,Ivalue:honesty,openness,music,straightforwardness,courage,commitment,
courage,friendship,creativity,adventure,humor,trust,awareness,forgiveness(lettinggo),theactofbeing
kindandcaring,ambition,independence,passion,communication,education,change,beingtrueto
yourself,selfconfidence,selfworth,respect,selfexpression,spontaneity,theabilitytounderstandmyself
andothers,playfulness,realism,andofcourse,coffee.

Withouttheseevents,whicharevitalpiecesinmylife,IwouldnotbeabletoseewhatitisItruly
believeandvalueinthisworld.IwouldnotbeabletoknowmyselfaswellasIdonow.