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Textfrommyinitial

WPsubmission:
(aphrase,sentence,
paragraph,idea,
move,punctuation,
pieceofevidence,
etc.)

Anobservationor
questionIreceived
fromDePiero
or
a
classmate:

Thechanges)I
madetowhatI
initiallywrote:
(ie,
thechange[s]Imade
tocolumn1)

Howthischange
impactsmypaper:

bytakingacloser
lookatthe
similaritiesand
differencesbetween
eachwewillbeable
tobetterunderstand
thepurposesofthese
articlesandhow
effectivethese
writingstylesarefor
theirintended
audiences.

Whatabouttheir
styles?Whoarethe
audiences?Andwhat
*are*thesimilarities
anddifferences?

Someonemightsay:
they'redifferent,
OK....whydoesthat
matter?They're
similar..OK,so
what?

Howcanyouraise
thestakesofthis
argument?

bytakingacloser
lookatthe
similaritiesand
differencesof
conventionsand
rhetoricfeatures
betweeneachwewill
beabletobetter
understandthe
purposesofthese
articlesandhowthe
academicarticlescan
moreeffectively
reachanacademic
audiencewherethe
VICEarticlecan
moreeffectively
reachamore
colloquialaudience.

Thismakesmythesis
statementmuch
clearerandsuccinct.
Beforemakingthe
revisionIcan
absolutelyseehow
mythesiswasvery
vagueandthere
reallywasnotmuch
ofanargumentatall.

botharticlesusevery
scholasticwordslike
socioeconomic,
multiculturalist,
patriarchal,and
manymore.

Whyisthis
significant?Whyare
youbringingthisinto
yourpaper?How
andwhydoesit
relatetoyour
argument?

botharticlesusevery
scholasticwordslike
socioeconomic,
multiculturalist,
patriarchal,and
manymore.These
typesofwords
portrayamore
academicsettingand
giveamoreserious
tone,thusmakingthe
articlemorefitting
andgearedtowards
academicaudiences.

Ireallyjustlacked
anycommentaryon
thispieceofevidence
andaftermakingthe
changeitwasclear
whyIincludeditand
whyitshouldstayin
thepaper.(becauseI
wastryingtofigure
outwhattocutfrom
thepaper)

Lastlythereare
constraints,inboth
casestheconstraints
include,butarenot
limitedto:

professional
language,content
mustbecorroborated
byotherscholarly
sourcesthrough
meansofcitingwork,
andformattingmust
conformtothe
standardsof
wherevertheyare
tryingtopublish.

Thinkbacktoour
lessononparallelism
seeifyoucanwork
someofthatinhere.

These
candidatestatements
canbeconsideredas
theirowntextual
genrebecausethey
havespecific
conventionsand
rhetoricfeatures.

Lastlythereare
constraints,inboth
casestheconstraints
include,butarenot
limitedto:
professional
language,academic
citations,strict
formatting,anda
workscited

WhenIoriginally
wrotethisIwasnot
reallythinkingabout
structure,itmoreofa
firstorderthinking
typeofthing.So
whenIwasableto
lookbackatitIsaw
thatIcouldmakeit
muchmoreorganized
andeasytofollow.

Rightnow,itsounds
likeyourpaperisjust
goingtodescribe
whatcandidate
statementsareif
youwanta
thesis/argumentthat
targetsthe"sowhat?
whocares?"
questions,you'llneed
togoastepbeyond.

To analyze the
conventions of this
very unique genre in
action and how they
can be used to
educate readers about
political happenings
and persuade people
to vote we will look
at three different
statements from three
different
positions
running for election
hereatUCSB.

Thethesis(ifyou
couldcallitthat)that
Ihadfirstwasreally
justterribleand
lackedanytypeof
directionwhatsoever.
ThechangeImade
gavemypapera
muchbetterdirection
andalsohelpedmeto
figureouthowto
betterorganizethe
beginningofmy
paper.

:OK,soyou'vegot
somedifferentideas
swirlingaroundthis
paragraph.Howdo
theyallconnect?
Whatdotheyhavein
common?Whydid
youputtheminthe
sameparagraph?

Before we start to
analyze the different
statements we should
garner an idea of
what the average
candidate statement
looks like so that we
can compare and
contrastthem.

Priortoaddingmy
topicsentenceforthis
paragraphitwasjust
liketherewasa
randomvaguely
relevantparagraph
putthere.

Inacandidate
statementthereis
usuallyageneralized
greetingthatwill
addresstheaudience
inawaythat
somehowestablishes
arelationship

Hethenbrieflytalks I'mnoticingthat
aboutsomeofthe
you'redoingalotof
workhehasdoneand "first,andthen,and

*substantialcutsto
Inmyfirstattemptat
thepaperweremade* writingthispaperI
thoughtthatifIwas

whythat

next..."isthis
relevanttoyour
argument?Doesyour
majorpointinthis
paperdependon
analyzingeach
structural
piecebypiece
"move"ofcandidate
statements?

Itiseasiesttostart
Whataremoves?
offbyidentifyingthe Worth
morecommonmoves defining/describing
howyou'reusing
themhere?

goingtoanalyzethe
sourceIhadtopick
outEVERYTHING
thatIsawinit.But
Zs(your)comment
helpedmetoseethat
Ireallydonthaveto
doallthatandIam
reallyjustgiving
myselfextrawork.
Itiseasiesttostart
offbyidentifyingthe
morecommonmoves
theintentionaland
specificdecisions
thataremadetoillicit
aresponsefromthe
reader.

Itisalwaysgoodto
defineconceptsthat
canbeinterpretedin
multiplewaysand
thiswaythereader
willhaveabetter
ideaofwhatIam
talkingaboutduring
thisparagraph.

*Longand
unnecessaryquote*

Isthisoneofthe
*deletedquote*
sourcesyou'reusing
forthisWP2?I'm
askingbecause
althoughtheseare
powerfulstats,
they'realsotakingup
4lines...andthisisn't
reallyapaperabout
Islamophobia,perse,
somuchasit'san
analysisofhow
certain
disciplines/writers
*writeabout*
Islamophobia.That's
asuperimportant
distinctionthatIwant
youtobeableto
remember.

Ihaveaproblemwith
makingmy
paragraphstoolong
becauseIlikethe
randomthingsthatI
sayeventhoughthey
arenotalways
necessary.SoIcutit
outthistime.

*lotsofredundant
andnotentirely
necessary

I'mnotreading
Amoresuccinctand
beyondthis,Justice appropriately
4to5page
lengthedpaper.

Thiswasdefinitely
thehardestchange
thatImadeonmy

information*

paper.Itwas
extremelydiffcultfor
metocuta7page
paperdownto5,but
throughstickingto
thereverseoutline
andaskingmyself
howimportantthe
argumentsareIwas
abletodoit.