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written by Matthew D. Hems
MATTHEW DH PRODUCTIONS Address Line 1 Address Line 2 Tabernacle, NJ 08088
FIRST DRAFT 05 21, 2010
COON TOWN "Pilot: Trent." CAST MATTHEW D. HEMS...............................................ACTOR COOPER THE CAT............................................... ACTOR NORMA RACCOON............................................... CICI RACCOON............................................... GUEST CAST MAC.......................................................... ACTOR ACTOR ACTOR
FADE IN EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MORNING There is a raccoon carcass in the road with flies flying around the grotesque carnage. NORMA exits the from the front of her house while talking on her cell phone. NORMA Oh I know girl we got crazy list night! I didn't know mechanical bulls could get so deep! Oh ho ho girl you're so nasty! And what did he say? Well, shoot I woulda done it too! And now you can go out and buy some new panties at that cute store down by the Mac Donald's! Norma sees the mess on the road. A swarm of flies buzz loudly. NORMA (CONT’D) Oh my sweet Lordy God CICI! Trent's dead! No, you’re thinking of Todd, Hun. Trent had that cute little quarterback butt! Oh yeah he was a wild man! But oh my gosh Cici he's dead! No really I'm lookin’ Trent’s fly ridden corpse right now! Okay girl you go ahead start your Wednesday night a little early! I'll call ya later bye. Norma puts away her cellphone.
NORMA (CONT’D) Now what am I gonna do for cash? Dang it Trent! I warned you about looking both ways when you crossed the street. Nothin but a worthless coon you was. A man off screen can be heard wailing He enters the scene. He sits on the curb near Norma and continues crying. NORMA (CONT’D) Aw hell. What's the matter with you white boy? Lose your whitey girlfriend to the whitey tennis player on Whitey Day? MATTHEW No ma'am. I murdered this poor gentlemen raccoon! NORMA You mean Trent? You killed Trent? Norma laughs. NORMA (CONT’D) Shoot Whitey you don't gotta worry your pretty white boulder of a noggin. Trent wasn't much to sneeze at. Norma coughs and lights a cigarette. MATTHEW You knew this man? Tell me. Was he kind? Did he have a family? What horrors have I sowed upon the lives of his loved ones?
Matthew moans and tosses his hands in the air like a sinner in church. NORMA Oh knock it off. He was just my husband. Legal in Georgia only. You did the world a favor most likely. MATTHEW But there must be something I can do for you miss? Anyway to make up for this awful accident! NORMA You got any cash on ya mister? Me and my gal Cici wanna hit up the club. Coon girls get free drinks on Coon Chaser Night. We gonna find ourselves some men! Get a little baby juice in me. 9 weeks later a new child support check will be rollin’ in with my name on it. MATTHEW I don't have any money on me right now. I just have my clothes. Here Widow Raccoon. Have the shirt off my back. For you I'd sacrifice anything. Matthew jerks his shirt off of his back and tries to hand it to Norma. NORMA (Wit a long Souther drawl on the first word.) (MORE)
"Pilot: Trent." NORMA (CONT'D)
Shit. I don't want a smelly whitey boy shirt. Get your rags off my concealer I'm gonna smudge up! Norma pats down her make-up smothered face. Matthew lets the shirt drop. MATTHEW I'm sorry. You do look very pretty today. What kind of Mascara are you wearing? Is that Cover Girl? Because you know, I've been looking for something new. I don't know why. I just wanna change things up a bit you know? NORMA Naw Doughboy this is just tire rubber. I got it off the race track in Atco. Stays on nice and thick. Norma bats her eyes and they make a gooey, squishy sound effect. NORMA (CONT’D) So what else you got to make up for this uh tragedy? C'mon now don't you hold out on me snowflake! I’m really suffering here. Trent was a good man! Matthew pulls out his car keys. MATTHEW All I have left is my car. It isn't much but--
Norma leaps up and snatches the keys away from Matthew. EXT. SECTION OF SUBURBAN STREET WITH MATTHEW’S CAR - SECONDS LATER. Norma is in the passenger seat and we see Trent's guts still sliding slowly down the windshield. His quarterback butt is planted firmly on the glass. NORMA Oh sweet whitey Jesus thank you for making your people so fuckin’ dumb! And thank you Trent! Thank you for being as ignorant as my daddy and as dumb as a fucking doorknob. Norma kisses her fingers and places them on the glass where Trent's butt lays. EXT. BACK INFRONT OF NORMA’S HOUSE. Matthew is on the ground in the fetal position spooning Trent’s remains. He is sobbing and mourning Trent. MATTHEW I'm sorry I wronged you my furry brother. But your wife is happier now. Matthew succumbs to the sobbing again but chokes out a few lines of the song “The Circle of Life” from The Lion King. INT. INSIDE MATTHEW’S CAR. Norma notices a unicorn figurine dangling from the rearview mirror. Music box melodies play as Norma surveys the car and sees unicorn toys and stuffed animals everywhere in the vehicle. She is visibly disgusted and shivers. EXT. BACK INFRONT OF NORMA’S HOUSE. Norma drives up the street with the car’s window rolled down. She’s back on her cellphone.
NORMA Oh Cici! You are gonna lose your shit when you see me pull up at the club! I'm gonna get so damn pregnant tonight girl! Norma runs right over Matthew and Trent’s messy remains with her car. Matthew cries out. There is a loud squish as Trent’s guts splatter all over Matthew and the road. Norma tosses out the unicorn mirror charm as she drives past. Her car speeds off in a cloud of exhaust. Matthew remains still on the street. He looks lifeless. COOPER the Cat walks in on the carnage. COOPER Matthew, what are you doing? MATTHEW Honoring the dead Cooper. Matthew groups Trent’s guts into a pile and tries buildng a snowman-like sculpture. COOPER Okay, and where’s your car? MATTHEW I gave it to the raccoon. It was the only way to right the wrong I did to her and her 37 children. COOPER Raccoon? You mean Norma? She didn't need your car Matthew! That was probably some guy she hooked up with for one night anyway!
MATTHEW Don't you talk about the dead like that Cooper! COOPER He was just a Raccoon man! And how are you going to get to work tomorrow? You already gave your bike to that family of wild dogs after you killed their great grandmother! get your car back. MATTHEW Poor Granny Dingo! You go ahead if you feel you must. I will remain here and make sure this man is given a proper soldier's burial. Matthew remains seated an pokes the mass of guts with a stick. An eyeball rolls off the guts. The flies swarm heavily around Matthew’s blood soaked body. MATTHEW (CONT’D) God, he looks so peaceful. EXT. THE “COON COON, BANG BANG” NIGHT CLUB -- NIGHT Norma’s new car is parked outside on the street. It is still covered in blood and guts. Trent’s but slides slowly down the windshield and falls off. Cooper approaches the entrance. He is stopped by a bouncer. The bouncer wears a name tag: MAC. MAC Whoa there kitty cat. Tonight ain't your night. C'mon we've gotta
COOPER Look Mister uh, “Mac”. I just need to see a girl inside. I'll be gone in 5 minutes. MAC Unh uh. Wednesday is Lady Coon’s night. We don't let pussy in until Friday. We call that "Thank God for Pussy" night. Nobody in there came out tonight to see pussy. They’re here for some Coon. COOPER But seriously, how much do I have to give you to get in? I've got a 20 on me right now. Cooper fishes out a 20 dollar bill and tries to hand it to Mac. Mac refuses. MAC You really wanna get in there tonight? You're gonna have to do better than cash my friend. COOPER What do you want? I don't have any drugs. I'm not into that. MAC What I want is better than a drug. I wanna see you purr.
COOPER Oh god damn it. You're pussy chaser? MAC Yeah bro. I love pussy. So if you wanna see your lady friend, I gotta see you purr. COOPER God you people are sick. It’s not bad enough they haven’t illegalized all the catnip porn out there. I’m not going to purr for you. MAC You better purr or I’m throwing you and your nine lives off the premises. COOPER I’ll find another way in. Cooper’s cellphone rings in his pocket. Cooper looks at his screen and sees that he has a new picture message waiting for him. The picture is of Matthew making out with Trent’s remains. COOPER (CONT’D) Fine I’ll purr for you but I’m not gonna enjoy it. I’m doing this for my friend. MAC Alright man whatever it takes to get you goin. Cooper clears his throat and gives a lame sounding purr.
MAC (CONT’D) No way jefe. You gotta mean it.’ Cooper sighs COOPER This is for Matthew. Your best friend. It doesn’t mean anything. Cooper purrs again for real. The sound effect of an actual cat purring plays. MAC Now that's what I'm talking about! Nice. You gotta pretty purr. Nice deep tones to it. Mac closes his eyes and sighs in pleasure. He rubs his chest sensually. COOPER So can I get in? MAC Oh yeah man. Go right ahead. Let me see that tail swish as you leave. INT. THE “COON COON, BANG BANG” NIGHT CLUB -- MOMENTS LATER Inside the club loud house music is playing. Men and female raccoons are dancing and partying. Cooper looks around and approaches the bartender. COOPER Excuse me I'm looking for a Raccoon. The bartender looks up sarcastically from the glass he’s cleaning. COOPER (CONT’D) I'm sorry; I'm looking for a Raccoon named Norma.
The bartender points to his left. Norma is easy to spot. She's spinning around on a stripper pole on top of the bar. She picks up a few drinks and sips some of them, but throws all of them at random. A huge group of redneck men are all around her hooting and hollering. NORMA You know boys. I just lost my man Trent this morning. The crowd sympathetically moans for her loss. NORMA (CONT’D) But you boys are gonna make me forget everything right? She spins around. The crowd whistles. NORMA (CONT’D) Who wants to get this hot mess pregnant?! The crowd cheers. Men raise their hands. NORMA (CONT’D) Well alright. It's only fair to give everyone a ya'll a turn. LINE UP! INT. THE “COON COON, BANG BANG” NIGHT CLUB -- MOMENTS LATER Cooper is standing in line with all the men in the club. He sighs and checks his watch. He looks over in disgust to see the infamous Cici shaking her booty for the men in line. CICI C'mon boys get on board the Cici train! It's not that bad! The first ride is free. NORMA (off screen) whose got number 46?
Cooper sees that he has number 89 and groans CICI What about you “Puss in boots”? You wanna dance? The name’s Cici. Cici approaches Cooper and jerks her body so her "funny" arm slaps against his face repeatedly. COOPER No thanks miss. Maybe another time? CICI What's Norma got that I don't got? She jerks her “funny arm” harder. She’s no longer trying to flirt with it. COOPER (being catty) Well, she's got my best friend's car for one thing. CICI Yeah, it is a pretty sweet ride. And that back seat is so big. You could have a orgy back there or somethin’. I dunno. But I'll tall ya what she ain't got. She don't get no disability checks. 50 dollars a month straight from the government. How's that sound tiger? Cooper tugs at his collar nervously. Norma stumbles out of the backroom. She looks even worse than she did this morning.
NORMA I'm sorry fellas. The oven's all full a' cookie dough now. So I gotta see if anything bakes. I’ll see the rest of you next week, hold onto those tickets now. EXT. THE “COON COON, BANG BANG” NIGHT CLUB -- NIGHT Norma now walks with a limp as she heads towards her car. Cooper runs to catch up. COOPER Misses Raccoon? Norma? NORMA I'm sorry sweetie the like I said the bakery is closed. And I don't need any more frosting on this cupcake. COOPER No, ma'am my name's Cooper Cat. I'm a friend of Matthew's. NORMA I don’t know any Matthews! COOPER Really? Because you’re driving his car. NORMA Oh Christ. You came to take back that fag's car? Well no can do pussy face.
"Pilot: Trent." NORMA (CONT'D)
He gave it to me fair an' square on account of my being in mourning and all. My poor baby Trent. He was such a good man. Such a kind gentle soul. Him and that little cherub ass. COOPER I know this is a very emotional time for you and my friend but ma'am my friend needs this car or he can't commute to his job. NORMA I don't care if he needs it to turn tricks outside of Gay Whiteyville! This is my car now! I got 37 kids I need to drag to school every day! Norma's eyes get veiny as she gets more upset. She drops her purse and the keys fall out along with a live taser, condoms, and a live baby chick. NORMA (CONT’D) Aw, hell. Norma scrambles to pick it all up. The baby chick gets plucked up by a passing owl. Cooper grabs the keys. NORMA (CONT’D) Give me back my keys you feline felon! Norma reaches for the keys but fails and vomits on the ground.
COOPER I can't let you drive like this. Let me take you home and we can talk about this whole car thing in the morning. Norma is breathing heavily on the ground on her back barely conscious. NORMA Screw you Meow Mix! I can get Cici to drive me! CUT TO: Cici making out with the owl in a clearing next to the club. The baby chick is twitching and bleeding on the ground. CUT BACK TO: NORMA (CONT’D) Ugh! Fine take me home cat. But no stealing of the vehicle! EXT. SUBURBAN STREET -- NIGHT Cooper and Norma pull up to find Matthew has assembled a bonfire and a cult in the street. They surround the pile of guts which are now infested with maggots. Matthew leads the robed members in a satanic ritual to resurrect Trent. Norma and cooper remain in the car staring at the ritual. COOPER Oh my god what is he doing now? NORMA I didn't know we were gonna have a neighborhood bar-b-q! She pulls out a bottle of hot sauce from her purse. COOPER I'll handle this Norma.
Cooper exits the car and approaches Matthew. MATTHEW Cooper oh, welcome! Come join us in the ritual of resurrection! COOPER You've gotta stop this right now. I am three seconds away from getting you your car back Matthew. If Norma realizes what you're doing she'll never give that car up! Matthew gets his lips close to Cooper’s ear. MATTHEW (whispers) Cooper, I'm not wearing underwear under this robe! It's amazing. Is this what free ballin' is? Cause I'm doin' it man! I'm freein' all the balls! COOPER Alright clear out cultists. Let's go. Cooper shoes away the cultists. They're let down and mumble as they disperse. The bonfire flames leap onto Trent's remains and the whole thing whooshes higher. NORMA TREEEEEENT!! MATTHEW TREEEEEENT!! Sirens sound off and firemen are there immediately on the scene to put out the flames. Cooper pulls Norma out of the car and drags her across the lawn into her house. She cries and vomits as she's dragged.
Matthew fights the firemen who try to hold him back as the use the hose on Trent's smoldering remains. MATTHEW (CONT’D) You animals! Get away from him! was an angel! The hose stops and the firemen start packing up. Cooper approaches a couple men and asks if they can give a quick hose-down on M's car. They use the hose and the blood pours off. M lies on the road sobbing in his wet robes. Cooper drags him away into the car and they drive off. The owl makes owl noises as he flies over the houses along the street holding Cici in his talons. She yells out in joy while they fly. He
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