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Published by: Enginoods Editors on Apr 16, 2007
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01/01/2013

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THE

ENGINOODS
“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”

ALUMNI NO LONGER WELCOME IN POETS OR JUST ANOTHER REASON WHY A-SOC SUCKS HORSE COCK
So, according to a quasi-official wannabe fuckrag, alumni aren’t welcome in Poets. They assert that anyone who isn’t an undergrad should instead frequent the Grad House. Actually, we can’t dispute their suggestion. A bar that serves every day, has better beer…on tap, and serves good cheap food? Sounds like it kicks the ass of a certain rarely cleaned shithole in CPH. -BUTBeing the shit disturbers that we are, we choose to forgo the Garden of Eden that is the Grad House, and choose to drink in Poets for a few reasons. Cock-Ring Warehouse presents: 1) Corrupting the frosh is fun. 2) We’ve only seen all the movies they’re playing this term ten times-what’s once more? 3) We paid our dues 4) If we quit drinkin’ there, you’d lose bar service, and we’re willing to take one for the team. 5) Because it pisses you off. 6) Because we can 7) Because it’s a free fucking country, so if you don’t like it, bite my shiny metal ass! Or, better still, go to Queens. We hear they don’t even let women in their bar. 8) Someone has to convince Phil to keep buying Baron. So there you have it-you’re not getting rid of us that easily. As long as Chen-Wing still languishes without a degree, there will be grads in Poets, telling you that everything now is for shit, and you all fucking missed out on when things were good (by the way, you did). Fuck you, UW Alumni everywhere

ASS OF THE WEEK!

Ryan Walker: ‘Special’ Victim’s Unit

THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!
http://www3.sympatico.ca/enginoods
And you thought that the internet was safe for children, Clegg and pedophiles... If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!

“Dominant male monkey mother fucker!”

“and Porn speaks to its splintered legions”

POETS
Acid Pot Shrooms Mescaline E Speed Black Tar Laudnum Nose Candy Angel Dust Crack

PBD TOTALS
2B Civ 1B Mech 1B EnvCiv 4A Mech 2B Softies ‘Noods 4A Comp (C) 2B Mech BeerBarons 3A EnvCiv 3A Chems 29 24 22 16 16 15 11 10 10 6 5

UNIVERSITY OF WATERLOO HOT BOXES POETS
In an attempt to create support for the new marijuana legislation on Tuesday, the 3rd of June, at 4:20pm, POETS will officially be “hot-boxed” by the administration. All staff and students are welcome (bring munchies). According to our sources, the weed was purchased by Catharine Scott directly from BC. She was quoted as saying “This is some good shit. I’ve been ‘testing’ it all week. Coo-coo-cachoo.” After that, she was arrested for distributing to minors (frosh). Meanwhile, the Dean of Engineering responded to our inquiries by stating that the official stance of Engineering was that the only way to get through Elec Eng was with POT … and lots of it. Hell, you’d have to be high to even apply here. As well, while we are losing Enviro-Chemical engineering, a new program was announced to be HydroEnviroponic engineering, which will specialize in increasing the concentration of THC in the university’s stash (located in that greenhouse attached to the Bio buildings). This event is expected to become a monthly event, with record turnouts expected. All profits from this event will go to the Students Without Drugs (SWD) fund. Note: Next week, ‘special’ brownies in the C&D, courtesy of Mary Bland! As well, new projects have been announced for every engineering department: Chemical – Increasing Yields and Improving Extraction Processes Electrical – Automated Lighting and Watering Systems Civil – Improved Greenhouse Design EnviroCiv – ‘Testing’ Geo – Soil Analysis Comp – Nothing EnviroChem – Optimal Hot Box Studies (by trial and error) Systems – Tie Dye! Softies – Count our weed Mechs – Food Run

-Say, man, you got a joint? -No, not on me man. -It'd be a lot cooler if you did.

MAKE YOUR OWN NOODS!
Just like the pros.
Hey Kids! Now you can write your very own shitty noods article just like we do! Just cut out all of the little boxes, put all the pieces of paper in a cup, and throw em on the floor. Whatever you read off is an article! Don’t forget to ask a parent to help with the scissors and boiling your heroin! (The Blank is Wild!)

Cement

“Didja ever look at a dollar bill man? There's some spooky shit goin' on there. And it's green too!”

SAFETY TIPS FOR THE SUMMER
You can’t be too careful.
Summer is a time when people kick back a bit and tend to neglect their safty. Today I want to take the time to help you protect yourself against the biggest menace around this season. I could talk about the silly mad cow, but that is just small change compared to the real menace. SARS, Bah!, it’s a minor inconvenience. It only shut down tourism in Canada. People are scared to travel to Whitehorse because it’s in Canada, and isn’t that where they have SARS?. But no, this is not our illustrious governments focus this summer. You might think they would watch the roads for people who have a tipple or twelve to drink before gunning down Hw 69 at 140km/h in their 9MPG hummer, but we have found otherwise. No folks, our OPP have decided to crack down on a rash of lawesness so severe, so perverse it will tear at the very fabric of our country. They have cracked down on not carrying flashlights in your canoes. Yes folks, instead of using our ‘underfunded’ police for actually maintaining law and order, they are worried that someone might not have a flashlight at high noon on a cloudless day, 50 feet from shore in a canoe. Why you could fall in and someone might not see you! Help I can’t swim 50 feet, so why the fuck would I be out in a canoe? This really happened to me. On this note, the Noods presents summer safety tips. 1 Carry a flashlight in your canoe. 2 Don’t use your gas BBQ inside. 3 Soak yourself in pure DDT for at least 15 minutes before going outside. For any reason. Even in case of fire. 4 Carry a flashlight while biking. 5 Don’t pour gasoline on a campfire. 6 Carry a flashlight while fucking. 7 Do pour gasoline on Buddhist monks. 8 Don’t walk between a mother bear and her beer. 9 Carry a flashlight while driving. 10 Drink water. But careful you don’t drink too much: It has an LD50 you know. Beer on the other hand does not as far as we know. Go beer! 11 Don’t mix bleach and Vinegar to clean your bathroom / pool / teeth. 12 Fuck tha po-lice (but carry a flashlight while doing it) 13 Want to cross the street? Not without a flashlight you won’t. 14 Carry a flashlight while sunbathing

THIS WEEK’S CONTEST: Create an article from the random words on the 3rd page. FUN! It’s FREE HAT hunting season! Submit your pets to noods02@hotmail.com

If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:

WERE YOU OFFENDED? noods02@hotmail.com

If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. This page will self destruct in 10 seconds. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon. Does anyone actually read this shit anymore? If you did catch this, you might just have won a free hat! Bottem of Page Quotations Brought to you by: J Jonah Jamison, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’

“That's what I like about these high school girls, I keep getting older, they stay the same age.”

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