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“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”
Volume 4, Issue 3
not, Yes, believe it or not , we have REAL NEWS.
So here's the deal. There are a whole bunch of posters around school saying "Do you agree with Byron." They've been posted by the Campus Crusade for Christ. Every few days, fresh sidewalk "art" like "Byron's got it going on" are appearing. There are also a lot of morons going around with Byron shirts and it has become so invasive that there has even been some anti Byron graffiti. After a little bit of seaching, wondering how the romantic poet had anything to do with crazy jesus fucks, I realized that it had NOTHING to do with Lord Byron, but is actually a campaign to convert strudents by posting a ‘personal’ story by one student, whoes name is Byron. The one thing that has really been scary, is the poor quality of the articles in the student papers. So far we’ve found one. To sum it up, it said the Byron campaign was “fun!” Here's his story. I would read it, but it sounded so made up it was painful. http://www.iagreewithbyron.com/index.cgi/index.html Apparently, this is not happening due to some spontanious need for some guy who is unfortunately named Byron, to try to find god, but actually a coordinated campaign at multiple universities. The byron website is a complete forgery, where they get some patsy to write a blurb about who they are and why they found god. How anybody can find jesus in Mississauga is really astounding, because I would probably be cursing for him (or her or Clapton - he plays guitar better than god ever could) for leaving me in FUCKING 'sauga. They then post this on a website to attract others to their godly quest of brainwashing people. If this was some spontaneous need, then why has it happened at the same time at Mac and Queen's? To me, that says that they're making this shit up as a marketing campaign for jesus. What the fuck?! Who do they expect to fall for a plot that wouldn’t make it to the outakes of the worst soap operas? What image of their ‘glorious’ cult do they expect they are projecting to the prospective lemmings? Well, lets take a look at some of the other universities’ spontaneous lusts for Jesus: MacMaster: http://www.iagreewithdave.com/index.cgi/index.html Queen’s: http://www.iagreewithjamie.com/whosjamie.html Hmm... Look how similar they seem. Same logo. Same website template. SAME FUCKING EVERYTHING! Here’s an angry article about what’s happening at Yale: http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/archives/2001/04/11/opinion/2879.shtml
Continued on page 3...
THE ENGINOODS INVADE THE INTERNET!
And you thought that the internet was safe for children, nutbags and pedophiles... We’re looking for a more permenant server, if you know of one, Many FREE HATS for you!
“From now on I'll lube mah OWN crankshaft!”
Did you know they really did have poem nights in POETS? Yep, they used to do that so they could get beer served.
POETS Bottle Drive: Check the wall in POETS ya fucking idiot.
The Psychology of POETS
No, this is not the latest and greatest bird course that counts as an A-list and B-list CSE simultaneously. Why the fuck would I write about that? That would be useful to you and I hate you. No, this is something much less practical and infinitely more annoying. And yet, as an Engineering student, this has a direct impact on your daily life, so listen up. When you walk into POETS and order a beer (and you are ordering beer, right?) you’re not just selecting a tasty beverage, though that’s part of it. You are leaking valuable information about your psyche into a thick gooey puddle on the floor for all to see (and have the decency to clean that shit up, you remonkeytron). All other patrons will be able to look inside your fucking soul. The beer you order is part of who you are. Scratch that. It IS who you are. In order to aid you in selecting your beer properly, here is a Rorschach-esque analysis of what each beer means:
• Canadian: You’re a pussy … either that or a woman with bad taste… or maybe you’re underage… or an consumer • Blue: You’re a pussy but you think you’re not. Grow up and get a real beer. • Alexander Keith’s: You like mediocre beer but you think you have good taste. This is usually expressed as conceit and
hostility towards those drinking Canadian and Blue. FYI, you’ve got nothing to brag about. • Moosehead: Similar to Alexander Keith’s but you’re a stupid asshole too. Beer green bottle in bad faster go (I wrote that in idiot so you’d understand). As well, why are you paying a surecharge for bad beer you pretentious fuck. • Coors Light: Your defects are already in plain sight. I won’t belabour the point … except to tell you to fuck off. • Any non-beer order i.e. Mike’s Hard Lemonade: Every once in a while, one of you slips through the screening process. Somewhere out there, there’s a guy drinking a 50 and whose I.Q. is the same and he didn’t get into Waterloo. He will be a better Engineer than you. You took his spot. You should feel shame. • Heineken: You’re such a wannabe Euro trash asshole, it’s ridiculous. You do know that Canada makes beer, right? • Anything from Gold Crown (espescially POETS beer): I’d make fun of you but you actually kind of scare me. • Corona: If there’s anything worse than green bottles, it’s clear bottles. Next time, just take your fucking lime and shove it up your ass. The only accessory beer ever needs is a glass, and maybe another beer to keep it company. • Guinness-In this case, you’re in the Poets in our fucking imaginations, which means that if you’re not us, you’re a stripper. In other words, you’re not going to get a fucking Guinness in Poets anytime soon. Some would say there are no right answers but that’s because they drink the shit just listed. The right answers are: Labatt 50, Waterloo Dark, and Red Baron. Molson Ex is sort of on the fence but most people will let it slide. There now, doesn’t being less of a fuck-wad fell better? (What was that? Baron is in a clear bottle you say? We know. We’re heading up a CENSORED campaign to stop this, but meanwhile it only has a few kilometers to travel to get to you.) whore (and how!)... In any event, this is not a good beer.
“He had me on the floor. I had his mouth over my asshole!”
THIRD PAGE OF EVIL!
Don’t read this page. It’s full of evil! from page 1. (Just like a real paper!)
So how do they do it? Well, we here at the noods do our homework. Ok, not really, but here’s is how you too can make your own “I Agree With Fuckhead” campaign in 5 easy steps: http://www.gocampus.org/alliance/lead/outreach-iagreewith.htm What this all adds up to is that Byron is nothing more than a tool in a fucking brainwashing propaganda “follow us or die” religious crusade. The worst thing about all of this shit is that the jesus fucks then go on to try to go all moralistic on your ass. Here’s a piece of news for you - the Noods staff has more in common with your fucking messiah than you ever will. Jesus hung out with drunks and hookers, so you know he was all about the booze and the pussy. What, you think he wasn’t getting laid? Have you got any idea how fucking well that water to wine trick works? He could have any chick he wanted receiving his “holy communion” in no time! If Jesus is so great, then why the fuck does he need these zombies to market his brand? This seems like an 'ends justify the means' thing to me. Which, coming from jesus freaks, is sort of the opposite of what they ‘believe’ in. Last year they had the "Got Jesus" campaign, this year they've got the "I agree with Byron" campaign. Why do you need a campaign? If these guys spent all the energy they spend trying to promote a 2000 year old dead pop star on trying instead to actually do something useful, like curing cancer or AIDS or giving out free porn, it might actually make the world a better place.
You think your co-op jobs sucked #1:
artsies Yeah, this is a real job for ar tsies and mathies...
RE: Co-operative Education Program January - April 2005 (16 weeks) STORE ATTENDANT Canteen Operator 1 OPSEU - Unified - IHC Bargaining Unit Ontario Parks, Southwest Zone, Pinery Provincial Park LOCATION: Pinery Provincial Park, Grand Bend Relocation and temporary living expenses will not be available. Pinery Provincial Park is a major natural environment park located on the shore of Lake Huron 10 km south of Grand Bend and 25 km north of Forest on Hwy 21. This 20 square kilometer park is steeped in history, rich in natural resources and offers numerous recreational opportunities. It is one of the largest remaining Oak Savanna ecosystems in North America. The local communities adjacent to the park provide retail stores, schools, medical and dental facilities and churches of most denominations. DUTIES: As a member of the Pinery Provincial Park team, under the general supervision of the Assistant Park Superintendent - Operations and group leadership of the Park Store Leader, you will assist with the day-to-day operation of the park store and provide services associated with retail sales, rentals and food services. QUALIFICATIONS: - proof of current registration in a designated post secondary co-operative education program (college or university). - proof of eligibility to work in Canada. - candidates are only eligible to participate in a maximum of two non-consecutive placements. - Knowledge of and ability to operate a variety of office, store and restaurant equipment. - Knowledge of parks programs, services and operating regulations to provide information to park visitors. - Knowledge of worker responsibilities as outlined in the Occupational Health & Safety Act. - Good interpersonal and oral and written communication skills to provide effective customer service. - Good organizational, mathematical, cash handling and data entry skills. - Ability to follow and carry out routine instructions and work shifts (nights), weekends and statutory holidays as per schedule. - Physical ability to carry out functions of the position. Please indicate in a separate covering letter specifically how your skills, knowledge and expertise relate to the qualifications listed above.
“That's it? That's the chant against evil from the "Book of Souls"? Oh yeah, right, boss. And what kind of decoder ring comes with that, man? Shit, it don't even rhyme well!”
Backpage in the Ass
Noods Presents “Building your Wordpower”
“So how do midterms feels now?” - Editors
Spanish Chingas tu madre - Fuck your mom Mierde - Shit Chupa me, puto - Suck me, asshole! chupe me verga / chupa me la peha - Suck my dick puta - whore puto - dickhead, asshole chingar - ro fuck cagar - to shit Painful to look at, ain’t it! chupar - to suck verga - dick panocha - pussy culo - ass hacete cojer - Go and get fucked chinchis - breasts hijo de mil putas - son of thousand bitches Cago en tu leche - I shit in your milk metete un palo en el culo - shove a stick up your ass
Enginoods’ Post Election Special:
Giant Douche or Turd Sandwich
VOTE OR DIE MUTHA’ FUCKA’ ! http://enginoods.dnsalias.org/forum/
If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to:
WERE YOU OFFENDED? firstname.lastname@example.org
If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and this shit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change. Fuck you very much, The Noods Bottom of Page Quotations were not brought to you by: J Jonah Jameson, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’
“I think you know what I'm getting' at Mr. President. We're gonna kill us a mummy.”
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