Adult, Consensual Spanking: Enjoying our Interest & Answering Your Questions by Jack copyright 1996 by Jack and ABCD

Webmasters Update (Posted with the author's permission) This paper is on the consensual use of spanking as discipline in an adult relationship. For simplicity sake and because of the origin of this essay, it is written with the female in the relationship receiving the discipline. It is written with the full knowledge that in many relationships the woman is the one who dispenses the discipline or that either partner could be the recipient of such correction. Consent and adult are the two key words. It is not - in any way - about the use of corporal punishment in the more common manner. Nor is this paper about physical abuse of any type. The writers of this essay abhor any type of abuse or use of corporal punishment that is not between consensual adults. This essay was written after many women expressed frustration in trying to express their interest in "domestic discipline." Individual needs, interests and experiences vary. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to explore this interest as long as it is between consensual adults. There are, however, some common themes, opportunities and appeal

for such interest. This article explores those issues.

Introduction: As technology allows us to explore various interests in a confidential manner and as women are treated more as equals (finally) than at any other times in humankind, we are learning that many women strive for a loving relationship that includes a partner who will set limits and enforce those limits with the use of spanking and similar 'punishments.' As strange as it might sound to some, many very normal women want to turn over just a little bit of control to someone they would trust enough to predetermine boundaries. These women wanted to be required to live within those boundaries with the knowledge that violations of those pre-set limits would result in a very sore behind. Many of these women remember these feelings as teens or even before they entered into adolescence. Many read as many autobiographies and novels as possible hoping for a spanking scene. Frequently these young ladies looked up the word "spanking" in dictionaries or did computer searches (at least the younger ones) on spanking, corporal punishment and similar activities. Oftentimes viewing movies like McLintock, featuring two spanking scenes, or Blue Hawaii, where Elvis Presley gives a delicious over-theknee spanking, would be their first indication that others also enjoyed such fantasies. Repeated viewing of such movies, even to this day, provides special enjoyment. It is perplexing, however, to want a man to take control, to dish out some "good ol'fashioned discipline," to be viewed as someone who is not an equal even if it is for a short period of

time or within defined (often negotiated) limits. What kind of a lady would want to have the clock moved back to when they were not on equal footing with their mate, male friend or Significant Other? Why do so many confident, intelligent women want such treatment? What is so appealing to such juvenile treatment? Why would a grown woman want to be put in such a position (literally) that is embarrassing? What is it in spanking that makes some women want to accept something that is clearly unpleasant, humbling and, yes, stinging? Finally, what can a woman who has such interest do to fulfill this secret part of her life? How does - or can - it all work? This paper explores these questions and provides some ideas to couples that want to explore a disciplinary arrangement by mutual respect. Trust, respect, limits, honesty and feelings all play critical roles in such a relationship. It is not an arrangement to allow a man to be a brute, to stomp out the rights of women or to humiliate or "put down" a woman. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Why me? Are you one of the many women who have long wanted a relationship with a man who cares enough to set limits, to set them down in a sensitive manner and to enforce them by the use of corporal punishment usually in the manner of an over-the-knee, bare bottom spanking? Does the use of the word "spank" alone start to give you "funny" feelings? Do you like to act like a brat and long for someone to "put you in your place"? Do words like "brat," "naughty," "misbehave," and "spanking," all send all kinds of thoughts to be generated? If so, you are not alone.

Increasingly women are realizing that many other women share this most secret feeling. Look in the back of Cosmopolitan some time and you will see one, two, possibly three ads for people interested in "over-the-knee" discipline; the ads offer stories and videos dedicated to "over-the-knee erotica." Other mainstream publications also include such advertisements including Romantic Times. They are in these publications because they cater to middleclass women who often have such a private interest. There are many "spanking publications." Many of these specialty publications are owned and operated by women. People can order the publications from the safety of their homes and receive their products in discrete packaging. They go out of their way to reach out to women who would not otherwise have access to such publications. Many women spend years wondering Why? Why do they have the interest? Is there something in their childhood that would make the interest a focal point for so many thoughts and fantasies? Were they born this way? Some women interested in such domestic discipline were spanked as children or teens. But it seems that most with the interest were rarely if ever spanked. Other women suffered abuse as youngsters. One recently recounted that maybe the reason she had the interest is because unlike the abuse she suffered as a child, this type of 'adult, consensual discipline' showed there were limits to such physical correction and that it was done with love and only in a trusting relationship. There is a void in meaningful research on the origin of such a fascination. It could be that something, even at a young age triggers such an interest. Possibly the desire to receive set punishment is more prevalent in certain households or cultures; for example, possibly settings that use considerable guilt to guide behavior would result more people to have a appetite for defined, clear-cut signs of disapproval. And

maybe, just maybe the appeal for spanking is hereditary. Because of the nature of the interest, one's children would be the last to know. Yes, we all come to this interest with different backgrounds and memories. Maybe it was a spanking that we witnessed or school paddlings that triggered our interest. Many women, however, swear that they never saw a spanking, don't even know for sure how such an event takes place except for the little glimpse of such activities in an old I Love Lucy episode or John Wayne movie. Whatever the origin, we have to confront such feelings. We must decide what we do with our secret fascination. Are we willing to live with living out our interest on Lucy Ricardo’s set? Can we simply fantasize about such a relationship? Will the consumption of adult, consensual books and magazines be sufficient? Is discussion and possible "play" in computer chat rooms be enough for us? Or do we do something about it and make it part of our lives? It is a personal question and one that many people have and continue to wrestle with as they determine what they are most comfortable with for their own lives.

Setting limits: Disciplinary spankings in an adult, consensual relationship is about setting limits. While it might look like the "disciplinarian" decides how much and how often to spank, the "spankee" actually has the real control of the situation. The one who is receiving the discipline determines in advance the limits of her interest. This can include the severity of the spanking, the instruments that can be used, the degree of undress, associated punishments (like "corner time") and even the frequency of such discipline. Of course

this is usually set in ways that are removed from the actual application of the discipline, allowing the "spanker" to determine such issues within the framework worked out in advance. This gives the young lady the feeling that she has no control over in accepting such discipline. In reality nothing could be further from the truth. Many couples also use a "safe word" or "caution word" during the "punishment session." This technique allows the one receiving the punishment to halt (the safe word) or slow down (the caution word or phrase) the session by saying a word or sentence. It might be a word that has no association with discipline (such as the words iron or red) or it might be a phrase that would fit in well with an over-the-knee experience such as "I've learned my lesson." Whatever the word or phrase, it should be determined in advance and the spanker always follows responds to its use without any question.

What Interests the Women? Just as women are drawn to the interest in different ways, the principle interest in spanking differs, too. There are many reasons why a woman may want this type of juvenile discipline. While many women enjoy the sensation of the spanking itself and the intimacy of being over-the-knee, most seek spankings for the emotional connection much more than the physical aspect of the activity. The limited studies performed on the subject suggest that many people who engage in such activities like the escape from self, being able to get away from day-to-day activities and worries when the individuals engaged in such activities. This goes hand-in-hand (or is that hand to bottom?) with the ability to give up control for a certain period of time.

Women increasingly have additional pressures upon them, requiring them to make decisions in their personal and professional life. Even stay-at-home moms have to exercise considerable control and judgment all day, giving approval and granting permission over the lives of others. It often feels good to have no control for a certain period of time. Paramount for many women who seek spankings is the appeal in having someone else set limits then enforce those limits in a very direct manner. For these women such action shows true friendship. When a man threatens or follows through with a spanking when she violates rules, it shows a level of concern that cannot be demonstrated in any other way. Sure, it is humbling to be placed in such juvenile punishment. No doubt it is embarrassing to have one's bottom bared to receive the spanking. Often one's reaction to such punishment can be humiliating - the sounds that are made, the kicking of one's feet, the begging and pleading that often takes place. All of this is a essential element of a good spanking for many women. Some don't even like it at the time, but enjoy it in retrospect. It builds respect and trust one has with their partner - even when that person is only a "spanking friend." Perhaps most important of anything that interests a woman who needs to be spanked is the anticipation before the event. It is the building excitement, the possibilities, the concern about the sting of the hand, paddle, strap or whatever. It is knowing that there is someone who cares enough to call her on her attitude or behavior. Finally for these women, there is the emotional release after a good spanking. Many woman talk about how the need builds like air in a balloon. Her behavior gets increasing worse as she seeks the attention she so much desires. She

might even feel out of control by the time the opportunity for her discipline takes place. She then shifts gears and wishes she didn't behave in such a naughty manner, dreading the consequence of her behavior. She starts to focus on the old fashioned discipline she will be receiving, possibly thinking of how her punishment is going to sting or the embarrassment she will feel because of the ordeal. Finally it is over. She received her attention. She felt the repercussions of her behavior. She feels that a burden has been lifted off her shoulders (or is that a bit lower?).

What Interests the Men? As one who always had (since five or six at least) an interest in spanking, the attraction to the activity seems obvious. One might instead ask: What is not appealing to adult, consensual spanking? For a "spanker" the idea of spanking fills all the sensations - and especially the brain. One sees the woman's bottom reacting to the touching and slapping during the spanking. The sounds of the strokes are pleasing to the ear, as is the verbal reaction from the woman while being spanked. The fascination of a lady's soft tush is replaced only by the allure of the warmth radiating from a freshly spanked behind. She smells sweet and feminine. But the physical aspect of the spanking is only one dimension of the interest. Long before the 'young lady' takes a trip over one's lap, the seductiveness of the spanking begins. It has much more to do with the brain than the bottom. The physical play that takes place as mentally positioning a willing lady for a spanking is even more powerful than the physical play that must later take place her in position. It is those words, those luscious words - those 'spanking'

words. A perceptive spanker can detect the reaction from the use of these words when used properly to send a 'naughty young lady' into the right mind frame for a spanking. She fidgets. She takes a breath. She giggles. She might even lick her lips as if tasting an appetizer before the full course. One knows that you are causing true physical reactions from the mere use of language - powerful speech. The intimacy of the entire event (and if done properly, it is usually an event) is the most charming element of adult, consensual spanking - at least for this spanker. No, it doesn't have to be the intimacy within a sexual relationship. It can be the closeness of a good friendship, knowing one is giving someone something very special, something that can only be successfully accomplished between when there is a true trusting relationship present. For many of us, however, it goes beyond a spanking, an action, a distinct event. It is the institutionally of spanking. It is knowing that the behavior is centuries old. The knowledge that not long ago spanking was an accepted practice with little question plays a part of this interest for many, even though many - if not most - of those interested in spanking do not support the use of spanking of those under the legal age. It is ironic that many who enjoy adult consensual spanking find stories from other adults of their earlier spankings fascinating, yet find current stories of youthful spankings offensive. It is the change in the behavior that is most precious of the entire episode. The application of corporal correction truly changes a young lady's attitude and behavior. Suddenly she has respect that she lacked for the rest of her life. She abruptly changes her attitude from one of being bratty to one of true respect. She knows that the spanking is being given for her own good. She wants such attention, although often wishes it was over before it all begins. Afterwards she

is grateful for having someone care enough to punish her. Her behavior changes not just because she has a red and tender behind. She truly is sorry for her misdeeds and is pleased that she had to pay the price for her malfeasance. She understands that the use of spanking is strong way to display displeasure. Once it is applied, however, all is forgiven. Knowing that spanking is an age-old practice plays into the ritual aspect of the interest. As stated above, it is an event and as such there are many elements that can be enjoyed along the way. The 'sentencing' of the offender, the possible requirement of 'fetching' the instrument of correction, the scolding, the position required for infliction of the correction, the baring of the behind and the aftermath (possibly including corner time) is all part of the interest to spanking for many men who enjoy adult, consensual spanking.

Where do we go from here? There are many possible courses of action for those who have an interest in spanking. First, we should review our options. We need to understand the wide range of options open to us before we move forward with any course of action. No one can tell anyone which option is best for him or her. It is a personal decision - one that can only be made based on particular circumstances.

Reading and Enjoying This is an option that is most comforting to many women with this interest. Reading "over-the-knee erotica" about

relationships where spanking plays a significant role is a way to live in a vicarious manner through the writer of such fiction. The selection of spanking stories is as varied as those with the interest. Most of the stories do not include explicit sex in them. For many people, the interest is not directly sexual. It cuts beyond a sexual desire. Many of the stories are more on the order of romance novels than anything else. Much of the fiction available on adult, consensual spanking deals with as much about relationships and the anticipation prior to a good spanking as the actual spanking itself. Some of the stories even explore the feelings one might have while preparing to receive her punishment, the thoughts going through her head while receiving a dose of corporal correction and the aftermath of a good over-the-knee experience. Other stories, however, are very sexual in nature. It is important to know when one is buying before sending the check. Usually the owners of these companies will assist, if asked. Most of these companies are small, owned by people who are more wanted to share their interest in sharing more than making money. A full list of sources is included at the end of this essay. Normally these stories are well written in a very classy manner.

Videos Other people are much more visual oriented. The good news is that many of the same sources that provide the written word on adult, consensual spanking, also produce quality "spanking videos." There is something for everyone's taste,

but most of these videos are more PG rated than anything else. Some are more R rated, but few are more explicit. Almost any scenario one could picture is offered in a video: husband-wife, wife-husband, boss-secretary, next door neighbor, sorority initiation, female-female and even some that include outside spanking. If the video is from a true spanking provider, the spankings that are included in the video - and there is usually more than one spanking in a 3060 minute video - are real. The intensity of these spankings vary considerably. Many include instruments - the back of a hairbrush, wooden paddles and leather straps a favorites can be used in the videos.

Computer 'Chat Rooms' Books, magazines, stories and videos are all one-way communications. They provide a safe, confidential way to enjoy a special interest, but don't permit an exchange of ideas, thoughts or dialogue. Today's technology allows people to enjoy this interest while still maintaining their confidentiality. There are specific areas on most major on-line computer services that are dedicated for people with an interest in adult, consentual spanking. Often these are little more than a headline room (Those with the interest on America-OnLine used to have a room called HotSeat every Wednesday night for spanking enthusiasts) to allow people with the same interest to congregate and talk to one another in "private messages." Women with this interest may find themselves very busy receiving many personal messages from men who share the other half of the interest. Many women find it helpful to

place a notation in their "profile" or as part of their "screen name" to indicate they are busy at the time so they can get the lay of the land before being deluged with private chat opportunities. Caution should be exercised on the computer. Sometimes young people who are looking for more sexual related activities come to the spanking area as they look around on the computer and are looking for much more than just spanking. Juveniles - or people claiming to be juveniles come into the spanking areas.

Meeting Others The ultimate in living out one's interest is either meeting someone who shares the interest or helping to convert your mate to including spanking in your life. Both are possibilities. We will explore both ways of including actual spanking in your life below. Many non-spankers have learned to love including spanking in their relationship. Maybe it is knowing that their mate is so happy because they are living something they have longed for throughout their entire life. Maybe it is part of the give and take in any good marriage or other relationship. Sometimes it is just that a husband learns how much fun it is to see the consequence of the application of a palm to a willing bottom of a "brat." Perhaps the most difficult action in trying to include spanking in a current relationship is raising the subject with your Significant Other. Many women have labored over this dilemma for years only to discover that the mate either had at least a passing interest or is at least receptive to the idea. Often it turns out to be much easier than one would expect.

How the topic is divulged depends on one's personal relationship and the personalities that are involved. It might be as easy as bratting it up and hoping for some old fashioned justice. That, however, often doesn't work. Husbands are no better at ESP than their wives. One might raise it during an intimate encounter, suggesting a slap to one's bottom and letting it go from there. Again there are drawbacks to this approach, especially for those women who seek disciplinary spankings. If contact is made with others with the interest is made over the computer, possibly a direct and honest approach might be to let one's husband see that others share the interest or share a story or material on the interest with him. Letting him read this essay might be a good way to start. The most important matter to communicate is about your interest. Try to keep it light and give him a chance to ask questions and learn more about your interest before you necessarily hope he will give a disciplinary spanking. Husbands or other Significant Others are often concerned about hurting their wife, embarrassing them or doing something that would be viewed as socially unacceptable. But if one's mate understands this is something that is desired, attitudes will often shift and possibilities open up. Make sure that your mate understands that it is about more than the application of a firm hand to a willing bottom. Many men are more physically than emotionally oriented. Men who do not naturally share the interest are much more likely to understand the physical part of the ritual better than the psychological aspect. Explaining how words, voice, body language and building anticipation may affect you can all help in achieving the desired outcome. Some wives have said that this transformation takes months,

even years before the desired feelings can be realized. Be patient. It is not going to be like one's fantasies or the stories. Expecting real tears is probably too much to hope for the first time the first time a spouse gives a disciplinary spanking. But the more one discussing her interest and shares, the better chance that one will live out a long-term fantasy. Sometimes 'converting a mate' is not possible. Some women cannot see their husband as a disciplinarian regardless of how good of a relationship they otherwise have with their partner. Others have expressed that their husbands have a background of domestic violence or a bad temper and a good level of trust needed to include spanking in their relationship does not exist. And, still others just cannot bring themselves to tell their husbands about their need because they don't want to risk an otherwise good marriage. Many women who are married and cannot bring their husbands into their need for spanking are content to live through others (stories, videos and on-line experiences) to partially fulfill their desire. They know that such experiences are not as good as the real thing, but don't want or can't take the next step. Others want to explore through words and learn more about their interest before they take the next big step. But still others want to meet people. The advice below might help these women out. Classified in 'spanking publications' are a good way to meet others. Most of the magazines for those with the interest include classifies. Women, especially, have a good selection of men who would love to do the honors. Shadowlane, one of the largest companies, offers the larges collection of ads from spankers and spankees. Their publication, Scene One, offers hundreds of ads from people looking for anything from a corresponding relationship to face-to-face meetings (or is that face-to-bottom). Most of the ads provide a good

idea of what people seek and all the ads are from people who want one thing: spanking. Some of the ads have telephone numbers. This is especially nice because an interested party may call someone and speed up the process of getting to know someone and possibly meeting them. It also allows a higher degree of confidentiality for the respondent. It might be good to dial *67 before making the phone call to make sure that the person cannot track down your number. Safety should always be the top priority when first making contact. Those who might respond to personal ads should seriously consider opening a post office box. This provides a higher level of security. Those who advertised are almost always just safe, sane people who share the interest. But, they still are people who you don't know and safety precautions should be taken. Take your time getting to know someone. Many women really enjoy the apprehension and nothing beats the intensity of getting to know someone, with the full realization that person might be the one to give you your first over-the-knee experience. There are many men throughout the country who want to have the opportunity, so a woman should be selective and make sure that it is a good fit. That being said, it should also be mentioned that those who share the interest are as varied as those who share any other interest. There are few 'perfect' spankers. Like the rest of the population, many are overweight, shy, quiet, outspoken or even unsure of themselves. Spankers vary as much as any other population. Make sure that not too many limits are placed on someone or no one will make you happy. Respecting limits and sharing one's core interest are probably the two most important elements to look for when

deciding to meet someone for the first time. Some people have also met over the computer. Either people decide that they will meet after talking for some time on the computer or some people have advertised on the computer through on-line services or with ads on the net. Again, precaution is the key word. Make sure that the person shares the interest in spanking and not just looking for companionship and ended up in the spanking area. Enjoy on-line discussion and correspondence. People can find it exciting to meet others this way so enjoy the apprehension and building friendship.

Living with disciplinary spankings: One woman, whose husband spanks her for discipline, recently said she would never do without being in a relationship where spanking was used when her attitude or behavior called for it. However, unlike some, she said she didn't like the spanking at the time she was receiving it. Still, the spanking provided limits, sent a clear message that her husband loved her and let her know that she had to pay for the consequences of her behavior. Whether a woman appreciates the spanking at the time or time is needed for her to appreciate the application of justice, there are many women - and men - who value living in a loving relationship that includes disciplinary spankings. How does such a relationship work? How hard are the spankings? Who decides when such prescriptions are needed? How does the actual spanking take place? All of these questions must be answered on a personal basis, based on the desires of each participant. Constant

communications, discussion, exploring and trailing often helps couples determine what role discipline will play in that particular relationship. For the most part, the limits of such discipline are determined in advance then it is up to the spanker to determine how to dispense such discipline within those limits. For example, if it is predetermined that bratty or mouthy behavior can warrant a dose of discipline, the 'young lady' has no say so when she violates this rule. A wife in that situation - having previously agreed to the use of corporal correction - must accept the discipline at that point. Does she 'want' to be spanked at that point? No, often no. But, it is known that consent had been given in advance and that the consequence of a stinging bottom and possible other juvenile punishment must move forward or the discipline will not take the next time. Sure, at that point the 'young lady' may despise the thought of receiving an embarrassing spanking. She may wish that anything else in the world was going to happen, but it must take place. The spanker knows that as much as his loved one may not like to accept her 'medicine' at the time, deep down she knows she needs such limits placed upon her. He knows that after the discipline is dispensed with, she is forgiven and all is (nearly) forgotten, The details of the actual spanking is probably the most personal nature of the entire process. Over-the-knee is, by far, the most used position for this discipline. Even couples who deploy other positions (such as across the end of a couch, over the end of the bed, leaning over a hardback chair, bending over grasping one's ankles or touching one's knees) use the classic over-the-knee position at least sometimes. Most couples also use hand spanking, too. If for no other reason than a warm up or for more mild correction, hand

spankings are fairly common. Some couples never use anything beyond the palm. It is intimate, time-honored, and always available. Other couples use instruments for some or all correction. It runs the entire gambit from household instruments like the back of a wooden hairbrush to a wooden spoon to a fly swatter. Special instruments exclusively for correction are also used by many couples. This includes both wooden and leather paddles, leather or rubber straps, tawse (a piece of leather that is split at the end), and an English cane. Often just a glance at the punishment instrument is enough to get a 'young lady' in line. How the spanking takes place depends again on the couple. Some couples use swift, over-the-knee justice. The young lady is over the lap before she even knows what has hit her. Her pants goes down or her dress or skirt is lifted up and her underpants are lowered. She then feels the sting of a determined palm or instrument until the spanker is pleased with the results of the applied justice. Most couples however, seem to employ a more eventful chastisement. There is the 'sentencing' of the punishment. This might be a simple look or a quick phrase, sometimes said or done in front of others who don't even understand the significance of such a gaze or word. It is the point when the lady understands that she is 'going to get it' - that punishment is nearly or positively unavoidable. At this point she starts to think about why she got into this trouble, think about her behavior, how embarrassing it is going to be to accept her juvenile justice, how stinging her body is going to be in a short period of time. Apprehension is important for most women who thrive for this type of relationship. The longer the wait, the more intense the spanking itself will be when it is later employed.

She might talk to a friend about what trouble she is in and how she will be punished later. She might be thinking of how to talk her way out of such discipline. She might even pout, but usually will bring a halt to this behavior if she understands it will lead to more severe discipline. Finally the time comes for the punishment to be executed. Oh, it seemed like forever and now it is just too close to the impending discipline. Even if she was left waiting all day and hated it, she now wishes she had another day, a weekend, a week, a lifetime before she is subjected to the spanking. It might again be a simple look to signal that 'punishment time' has arrived. He might merely direct his wife to 'fetch' the paddle, strap or other instrument. Or it might begin with a blistering scolding of her behavior and how she will be punished. Standing with her arms to her side or over her head while getting scolded might start the actual punishment. 'Corner time,' quiet contemplation while she stands in the corner thinking about the spanking that will take place might be used before the spanking. Other couples have more innovative ways to start the spanking. The spanking then takes place. Special care is often used to uncover her bottom and place her in position for her to accept her punishment. Some spankers may even require the offender to keep her toes on the floor while over the lap or such other restrictive actions. The aftermath of a spanking, paddling or strapping also depends on the particular needs of the couple. Many women want a few minutes of the lap being comforted before corner time or moving on with life. Others want a consoling hug and kind word, possibly about how well she took her spanking.

How Do we Start? You have recently learned that many others share your secret interest, feel comfort that you are not alone, possibly talked to people on-line or over the phone, but you don't know where to go from here. It's now time to think about your goals, what you want in life and in this aspect of your life and decide if you should take limited risks to move forward or if you are - at least currently - willing to just leave it to non-meeting interaction. There is an entire community of people who share your interest. They are professors and blue collars, suburbanites and country dwellers, rich and middle class. They may attend the same church you do or even be the reverend of your church. There is no need to keep this interest entirely to yourself Learning, exploring, exchanging and even the possible meeting with others is only a phone call away. The End

Update note in February 2010: Jack's site is no longer extant, but you may view the complete set of archived articles by clicking from the dates on this page:*/http://www ...

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