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250 Novels for People Whose Attention Span Is Limited to 140

Characters
Novel 1
The Boy on the Burning Deck

A boy stood on a brng dk. The fire brnd his pants off. He put on his sister’s.
People laughed, but he got a reality TV show. He is rich.

Novel 2
The Old Mormon Guy

An old Mormon had mny wives. Wives who got laid MWF were happy. Wives
on TThS were ok. Su wives hated hm. 1 day he ws found ded behind the brn, a knitting
ndl in his hrt.

Novel 3
The Old Jewish Guy

An old Jew said hah hah to his wfe. I’m a man and ur not. She wrapped dough
arnd his nk and strangled him. She savd the crcle of dough. That’s how bagels were
invented.

Novel 4
The Young Swedish Girl

This yng grl was blonde and blueyed. She had big bubs and a nce ass. She got a
senator in lots of trbl. She got a reality TV show. She is rich.

Novel 5
Superman

A German guy nmd Nietzsche told another gy he could be Superman. The gy


looked silly in red jockeys, but he dint care. He flew off a tall bldg. He died. Nietzsche
laughed.
Novel 6
A book for those few people, like the inmates of Charenton asylum, who would like to
read a book that has a title which is much, much longer, and has had more thought given
to it, than the book of which it is the title.

A little rabbit really pissed off old McGregor. He killed it.

Novel 7
The Happy Farmer

Once a trvling salesman came to a frmhouse dr. A grl answered. She was ugly.
The slsmn was drunk and nearsighted. He asked hr to marry him. The frmr gave him 3
goats and a Mdl A Ford.

Novel 8
The Angry Farmer

Once a trvling salsmn came to a frmhouse dr. A grl answered. She was ugly.
The slsmn dropped his sample case and ran. Bfr he reached the gate the frmr shot him
in the ass with a 12 gage.

Novel 9
The Sad Farmer

Once a trvlng salsmn came to a frmhouse dr. The frmr answered. He cried. My
doter is in NY learning to play the sitar. The slsmn and the frmr got drunk and each
kissed a sheep.

Novel 10
The Mad Scientist

A guy invented a time mchine. He went bk 100MY and killed a moth. Wen he
came bk to the prsnt, a Japanese girl in a rubbr moth suit bit him on the neck. Then they
got married.
Novel 11
The Mad Scientist II

A guy invented a time machine. He went bk 50Y and made luv to his mother’s
spinster sister. When he came bk to the prsnt, he had a cousin who looked just like him.

Novel 12
The Mad Scientist III

A guy invented a time machine. He went 100Y into the futr. He could find no
record of himself. When he came bk to the present, he wasn’t there. He still isn’t.

Novel 13
The Young Italian Guy

This yng Italian gy had drk hair & dressed cool. He made luv to mny grls. Then
he bought a Ferrari. He wnt broke and wnt to live w/ his mthr. He ate lots of pasta and
got fat.

Novel 14
The Pilot

A guy flew airplns. He was jealous of Amelia Earhart, so he flew a plne into the
Pacific and got lost. He crshed on a litl island. There was girl there. She was really hot.
He said the hell w/ Amelia Earhrt. They lived on shlfish.

Novel 15
The Pilot II

A guy flew airplanes. He wore a scarf, to trail out the ckpit. Except it was a jet,
so he was sucked out over Grand Turk Island. There was girl there. She ws really hot.
They lived on drinks w/ little umbrellas in the glass.
Novel 16
The Pilot/Pirate

A pilot had a peg leg. He could only turn lft. He made circles over Grand Turk.
He saw a grl dwn there. She was really hot. He went for her. He crashed on a coral
reef. The sharks lived off him.

Novel 17
The Pirate

A pirat dint lik the blk flag, so he sewed his own. It was pink, w/ lace bones.
The other pirates laughed at him til they lnded at Tortuga. All the ladies there really
went for the guy w/ the pnk flg. Hah hah he said.

Novel 18
The Pirate II

A pirat captured the Spnish Guv’s dotr. She said eeww ur are dirty and smelly.
He took a bath. They lived happily ever after.

Novel 19
The Pirate III

A flt of Brit ships trapped a pirat in a cove in the Carolinas. He asked the Indians
for help. They threw a prty. Everyone got drnk on wild grape wine. They all movd to
Virginia and formed the House of Burgesses.

Novel 20
Out West
A cowboy had a good horse. He likd it bettern his girl frnd. She got on the train
for St. Louis. The cwby tried to catch up. The horse wasn’t as good as he thought. The
grl livs in SL with a lawyer named Bob.

Novel 21
Way Out West

A Spanish gy fell into the Gran Canyon. He said ouch ouch ouch all the way
down. At the bottom he found gold, but his mule was still at the top. The mule is still
there. He is very old and hasn’t mvd in 100Y.

Novel 22
Way Way Out West

A 49er had a dotr named Clementine. She asked him why he named her that.
Dmnd if I know he said. She said ud better call me Darling or I won’t wash ur socks.
He did, but they did not find any gld.

Novel 23
So Far West It’s East

A Chinese guy was very wise. He was so wise he was misunderstood. So he


stopped telling people things. 1 dy a ltl boy brt him a fish and asked what’s this. The gy
dint answer. The fish made a good dinner.

Novel 24
Even Farther West Than East

A Chinese gy rode a camel into the Gobi Desert and met a Mongolian gy.
Haven’t I seen you someplace the CG said to the MG. I don’t know the MG said. You
all look alike to me. Then they had to bld a wall.
Novel 25
War I

The Brits had battlshps. The Germns had the Red Baron. The Frnch had
Belgium. They thot they shld hav a war. So they did. There were some heroes.

Novel 26
An Old Balkan Guy

The Turks came to Serbia and kilt lots of people. Lots of Turks got kilt 2. One
old gy said to Vienna you o me. No one nu why he was talking to Vienna. Vienna never
even answered.

Novel 27
War I A

The Princess liked Bosnia. They tattled on the Serbs. The old Balkan gy said I
hate Bosnians more than I hate Turks. He shot the Prncesses bro. This made Brits kill
Grmans. The OBG drank warm beer.

Novel 28
A Young Balkan Guy

A yng Croat let a lot of Albanians move into Kosovo to piss off the Serbs. The
old Balkan gy finished his warm beer and said I hate Albanians more than I hate
Bosnians. The Young gy was boss tho.

Novel 29
The Old Slovenian and the Young Croatian

An old Slovenian put his arm around the yng Croat and said don’t do that the
Serbs are PO’ed enuf already. They drank warm beer together and raised 101
Dalmatians.
Novel 30
The Understander of the Cosmos
It’s a Big Universe

A gy with a hi forehead and fuzzy hair said the universe is finite but unbounded.
What duz that mean the peepl asked. I don’t know yet he said. They still loved him.

Novel 31
The Understander of the Cosmos II
Does God Care

A gy with a hi forehd and fzy hair said god doesn’t play dice with the universe.
You understand god they asked. No. I understand dice. They still loved him.

Novel 32
The Understander of the Cosmos III
Schwarzchild and His Radius

A gy with a hi forehd and fzy hair said there r holes where u can’t get out. A
younger gy said yes u can. They had a fight. The winner got a hot girl on Grnd Trk
Island.

Novel 33
The Man Who Was Not Sure

A Grmn gy said there r things u can’t no at the same time. The gy w/ fuzy hair
said there’s no such thing as the same time. They were never on the same page. They
both got hot girls in Bavaria tho.

Novel 34
Call Me Jesus

A gy and his pals ran arnd together. The put all they made in the same pot and
each took out what he needed. They were the first commies. They threw some good
parties.

Novel 35
Call Me Jesus II

A gy and his pals traveled w/ a grl named Mary M so peepl wunt no they were
gay. Mary was happy, since some of the gys were bi. Mary grew a strange weed that
made their parties really good.

Novel 36
The Earth Guy

A yng gy asked an old gy why another old gy dint believe in Plate Tectonics.
The old gy told him a story. It had dragons and eunuchs and stuff. The heroine got
pregnant. No 1 nu how.

Novel 37
The Earth Guy II

A yng gy asked a dumb gy why he dint believe in Global Warming. The dumb
gy told him a story. It was about 6 Hindus and some sneaky other gys. The heroine had
twelve arms. Peeps stopped counting at ten.

Novel 38
Biology and Sister Agatha

A gy asked a dumb gy why he dint believe in evolution. The dumb gy told him a
story about a nun who didn’t look like a monkey at all. And rat mothers sometimes eat
some of their babies. And that settles it.

Novel 39
The Understander of the Cosmos IV

The gy with the fuzy hair needed to know something. But he dint. So he made
some stuff up. Then he nu what he dint no before. So he made the same stuff down.
Pretty soon he died. He should have known.

Novel 40
The Math Guy

An old Greek gy looked at the grains of sand on a beach. That was a pretty big
number. He made up a story about it. No one cared. He got a hot Sicilian girl and they
stopped counting at ten.

Novel 41
The Math Guy II

An old Greek gy put a gld crown in water. Then he ran thru twn naked shouting
holy shit. While in jail he invented lots of machines. He almost invented rockets, but he
met a hot girl and invented lipstick instead.

Novel 42
The Math Guy III

An old Greek gy drew math picts in the sand. While he was doing this, a soldier
jumped over the wall and kissed him. The soldier was discharged. The Romans had a
don’t ask don’t tell policy.

Novel 43
Star War Treks

An alien with fingers like snakes starts fondling the female captain of a space
st
ship. 1 she says eeww then she says wait a minute that feels good. They settle on
Rigel II and start a Saturnian pod ranch.
Novel 44
Star War Treks II

The cap’n of a spc shp starts getting green spots and craves coconut milk. He
lrns his hot grl 1st mate has been hanging around with aliens. He maroons her on Rigel
III. She keeps hngn around with aliens.

Novel 45
Star War Treks III

An astronaut crashes on a distant planet. It is inhabited by talking kangaroos.


They make him a slave, but a hot grl kangaroo hides him in her pouch. They escape to a
planet of talking jellyfish.

Novel 46
Star War Treks IV

There is a warp in spacetime. It leads to the court of Louis XIV. In the


Andromeda Galaxy no 1 noes L XIV, so no 1 is interested. The warp keeper has to go
on unemployment.

Novel 47
The Artist Guy

A gy nu Van Gogh. He said paint my portrait and I’ll intro you to my sister. Van
Gogh did. The gy dint. Van Gogh drank lots of absinthe. He dreamed of worms.

Novel 48
The Artist Guy II

A gy nu Modigliani. He said ur very skinny. Modi said that’s cause I’m


starving. The gy said here take this sausage. Modi gave him a pnting. The sausage was
rotten. The painting sold for $1M in 1998.

Novel 49
The Artist Guy III

A gy nu Pollock. He said that painting looks like shit. Pollock said that’s what I
used. The gy took Pollock home, fed him sausage, poured him absinthe, and introduced
him to his sister.

Novel 50
The Great Inventor

A gy said I no. I’ll make a cotton gin. He put a bunch of cttn in water and put in
a bunch of sugar and some yeast. It smelled bad. He distilled it through juniper. It
tasted bad. Cotton gin is no good he said.

Novel 51
The Great Inventor II

A gy said I no. I’ll make a light bulb. He used a multi-polymer double ester
junction on a three carbon trichloryl substratum with epoxy buffers and cupric methyl
dioxide insulators. It dint work.

Novel 52
The Great Inventor III

A gy said I no. I’ll make a steam engine. He cunt find any wood, so he used
rocks. They wunt burn, so he got them hot at a volcano. When he threw them into
water, it made steam. It worked.
Novel 53
The Wolf at the Door

A wlf came tp a pig’s door. Let me in. Not on your ass. I will foreclose on your
mortgage. Still not on yr ass. The wolf came back with the sheriff. They got in. Later,
the wolf ate the pig.

Novel 54
The Wolf at the Door II

A wlf came to a pig’s door. Let me in. Not on your ass. I will refinance your
mortgage. The pig let him in. Later, the wolf ate the pig.

Novel 53
The Wolf at the Door III

This lady rang a doorbell. She told the man she knew Jesus. If he didn’t listen
to her he would go to Hell. He said fine. He was on his wy there rite now. Would she
like to join him. She said ok, and they went in style.

Novel 54
Satellite World

An old Egypt Greek nu the wrld was round. He wanted to no how big. He
figured out how to figure it out. He made some mistakes but came close. He won a
camel. A hot babe married him.

Novel 55
Satellite World II

A French gy thot he cud do bettern the Grk gy. He measured lots of stuff. He
also made the meter, which later pissed off lots of gys in Mississippi. He attached his
world to Potsdam. That was funny. People laughed.

Novel 56
Satellite World III

A Finn gy and Hungary gy did some stuff about the world. They made words
like Isostasy and Free Air Reduction. People didn’t understand, so they made words like
fellatio and cunnilingus. People understood.

Novel 57
Satellite World IV

Some really smrt gys thot satellites cud measure better. They made words like
negative gravity anomaly. Nobody understood. So they made words like GPS and u are
here. Nobdy understood, but they were happy to b here.

Novel 58
Satellite World V
This gy had a crdt crd. He wanted to get cash from a mchine in Scotln, but was
afraid the CIA wud no. He only had 3# in his pocket. He bought some haggis. He lived
for two days after he ate it.
Novel 59
Satellite World VI

This gy had a 4G cell phone. He dint no what that meant. No 1 would tell him.
He called his hot grl in Iran to find out. They put her in prison. The gy traded his 4G
for 4 g of maryjane.

Novel 60
A Priest Went Into a Bar

A prst passed the NY bar exam. He chased ambulances. He helped people sue,
or gave them last rites. Depending.
Novel 61
A Rabbi Went Into a Bar

A rabbi passed the CA bar exam. He was very wise and loved to argue. He
became a dfns atty. He never lost an argument. All his clients are in jail.

Novel 62
An Episcopalian Minister Went Into a Bar

An Epis mnstr past the UT bar exam. He wnt befr the UT Suprme Ct to advocate
for Gay Marriage. He was disbarred.

Novel 63
A Jehovah’s Witness Walks Into a Bar

A Jhova Witns walks into a bar. The tender says who’s that little gy on ur
shoulder. That’s Satan. U will meet hm soon if U don’t give up ur evil ways. The BT
says meet Molly. She was hot. The JW lrnd to dance.

Novel 64
A Scientologist Walks Into a Bar

I don’t need alky to get drnk. I can smel the rses. The tender says gin’s better.
They argue. Elbert Hubbard appears from nowhere. He is drunk. The tender says told
u so.

Novel 65
A Shaman Walks Into a Bar

The shaman say ugubooguboogu. The tender says only on Fri. The shaman says
nakanakana. The tender says 5 bucks. A hot shamaness says me too. They get drunk
and put a curse on the village.

Novel 66
The Cursed Village

This village has a curse. Every 1 has hairy teeth. They ask 7 men to save them.
The men have horses and guns and fight a band of shamans. The men win, but the
people still have hry teeth. So do the horses.

Novel 67
A Horse Walks Into a Bar

A horse walks into a bar. I have hry teeth. Then stop smkn that bad shit and
drink whiskey like a man. A hot grl named Molly sez I’ll teach u 2 dance. The horse
learns the foxtrot. He still has hry teeth.

Novel 68
Molly Runs for Office

Molly sez I can solve all ur probs. She wins the guvship of CA. She fires every
1. There is an earthquake. CA falls in the sea. Molly and grls from Baywatch live.
They have fun with seals.

Novel 69
Molly Moves to Argentina

Molly tells Sammy Seal don’t cry 4 me. She meets a gaucho. He has a bolo.
They catch Pampas land seals and teach them the foxtrot. They love each other and
have many babies.
Novel 70
The Immortal Teeth

A vampire goes to the dentist. He has a double abscess on his right fang. The
dentist pulls it. The vampire dies. The tooth lives and gets a job making mouthwash
commercials.

Novel 71
The Immortal Teeth II

A vampire’s right fang flies Lufthansa to Prague. It is a spy for Hugo Chavez. It
falls n luv with a gargoyle on the façade of St. Vitus. They love each other and have
many babies.

Novel 72
The Immortal Teeth III

A vampire’s left fang is lonely. It has no friends. It says to the bicuspid wil u b
my friend. Just then the sun comes up and the vampire dies. The left fang still has no
friends.

Novel 73
Molly and the Vampire

A grl from Argentina meets a vampire. He bites her neck. She says ur such a
pussy. Land seals bite hrdr than that. He sez I have only 1 fang. She lends hm 1 from
her collection. They have many babies.
Novel 74
The Electrician

A Grk gy rubs some amber with some fur. He touches the amber to his penis.
Zap. That’s bettern sex he sez. Electra is the Grk wrd 4 amber. The Grk writes a book
called the electric penis. It is a best seller.

Novel 75
The Electrician II

An American gy flies a kite in a tstm. He lives. He invents a lightening rod. He


invents a stove. He invents bifocals. He invents the Gulf Stream. He invents a country.
He’s dumb. He thinks electrons are protons.

Novel 76
The Electrician III

A Scotch gy invents a whole bunch of equations. Only electrical engineers


understand them. The are no electrical engineers. The Scotch gy writes poems and dies
young.

Novel 77
The Electrician IV

An elect gy delivers pizza. A hot grl answers the door. She sez oo I like that.
They do things they shunt. She has a baby. The baby becomes an electrical engineer.
Novel 78
The Electrical Priest

A Jesuit learns the Scotch gys equations. He wires the confessional. People now
tell him the truth. He is depressed. He quits the priesthood and marries an Egypt
woman. They have many babies, all Jesuits.

Novel 79
The Electrical Rabbi

A Hassidim learns the Scotch gys math. He wires the Wailing Wall. People
really cry now. He is depressed. He becomes an atheist. He marries a Syrian spy. They
have no babies.

Novel 80
The Electrical Seventh Day Adventist

An SDA learns the Scotch gys math. He make electric vegetables. The batteries
run down on Saturdays and the vegs spoil. He is depressed. He quits SDA and marries
a Hassidic atheist. No sex, no babies.
Novel 81
The Menopausal Swede

A hot Swede lady lived in a doll house. Then she got hot flashes. Then she
broke her Timex. She got bloated and broke her husbands nose. Then she broke her
hip. She lives alone. It is cold in Sweden.

Novel 82
The Athabascan

It is cold in Athabasca land. A baby is abandoned in the forest. He is raised by


wolves. He becomes a silent movie star. Talkies kill his career. He can’t talk. And he
dances like a wolf.
Novel 83
The Athabascan II

An old Atha man makes a totem. It has a fish on top. The fish can’t talk or
dance. The eagle on the bottom can do both. The fish gets a reality TV show.

Novel 84
The Peace Pipe

A Quechan lives hi in the Andes. He puts the sacred leaves in a pipe made of
sacred rock. He can run for miles. He does. When he gets there he gathers more sacred
leaves. He never eats.

Novel 85
The Pipe Peace

A bunch of gys are against war. They smoke something. They go to Canada and
smoke more. They work in a Canadian Dodge plant. They make shitty cars. They’re
still against war.
Novel 86
Rocket Science

This German gy is smart. He makes multistage rockets. He lights them with a


match. He runs out of matches. Hitler fires him.

Novel 87
Rocket Science II

This Grmn rkt gy teaches his kids about rkts. They get very smart. They shoot
rockets at other people. Brit commandos invade their secret lair. It makes an ok movie.

Novel 88
Rocket Science III
Some gys steal some Grmn rocket gys. Some other gys steal other Grmn rocket
gys. Some rkt gys r gud at 1 thing, sum at another. The sum other gys mak biggr rkts.
They win.

Novel 89
More Rocket Science

The not sum other gys have better aim. And bigger bombs. They scare the sum
other gys into not shooting anything. Everybody gets drunk on vodka and kisses an
Athabascan.

Novel 90
Volcanoes

A Hawaiian gy goes up this volcano. Pele burps fire. The gy kills a pig. Pele
burps more fire. Lava covers the road. The gys pregnant wife has the baby in a taxi.
They call it Bill.

Novel 91
More Volcanoes

A convict in Iceland is thrown out of town. He hides in the mountains. Laki


erupts. The townfolk think he did it. They get pitchforks. & torches. They get drunk
and forget about the convict.

Novel 92
Even more volcanoes

A cnvic in Iceland is thrown out of town. Laki erupts. The lava is just luke
warm.
The cnvics grl is hotter. She runs off with a lawyer named Bob. Laki stops erupting.
Novel 93
Volcanoes For the Ages

A Roman gy is taking a nap. Vesuvius erupts. The gy is turned to stone. Later a


hot babe kisses him. He wakes up and starts a violin business. His violins are ok.

Novel 94
The Nations of Wealth

A poor gy sez y? A rich gy sez the unseen hand. A blacksmith works. A


whitesmith sez he shud. The unseen hand dangles from an infinite arm. It fondles a hot
babe. The poor gy is still poor.

Novel 95
The Prolichariot

A gy is Marx. He is not funny. He says ride with me. Poor is equal is free is
happy. He fights with unseen hand. The fight is unseen. The ride is the best at
Disneyland.

Novel 96
The Nations of Wealth II

The Marx gy fites w/ the Whitesmith. They call each other names. They are
both right. They are both wrong. India get smarter and dirtier. China get smarter and
crueler.
The World dies. Everybody cheers.

Novel 97
The Cheerleader
This grl wears short skirts and says rahrahsisboombah. Gys get weird thots. The
grl makes a porn movie. She is rich. She is lonely. She takes drugs. She goes to rehab.
She is rich again.

Novel 98
The Boy Cheerleader

This gy is below average. He leads cheers. He becomes President. He still


leads cheers. His team loses. He is quiet. His white clothes are dirty. He makes
oxyclean commercials.

Novel 99
The Outdoorsman

A gy is really tuff. He lives on twigs and berries and drnks puma piss. A hot
babe comes to study pumas. She sees the gy naked. Holy shit she says. He takes her to
his cave. She is never seen again.

Novel 100
The Outdoorspeople

This ht babe lives in a cave with this tuff gy. They are attacked by pirates. A
gaucho with trained land seals saves them. The babe runs for the House of Burgesses.
The land seals have many babies.

Novel 101
The Espanish Gardener

A Spnsh gardener sees sumthin sinister in a window. A hot babe comes out. She
makes luv to the grdner. Her hubby sees sumthing sinister in the garden. There is a
murder. And a ded raccoon.

Novel 102
The Mejicano Gardener

A Mex grdner grows agave behind the tulips. He makes tequila. A hot babe
drnks it. They make luv. Her hubby sees them in the garden. There is a murder. And a
ded squirrel. And 2 ded raccoons.

Novel 103
The Irish Gardener

An Irish grdnr grow potatoes behind the tulips. He makes whiskey. A hot babe
drnks it. She does an Irish jig. The grdnr tells a story about his mother. The hot babe
kills him and drnks more whskey.

Novel 104
The Hot Babe Gardener

A hot babe grws pot behnd the tulips. She smokes too mch and mows the lawn
naked. A neighbor complains. There is a murder. The hot babe’s hubby goes to prison.
He learns crocheting.

Novel 105
Folsom Prison at Dusk

The American River glides by. The prisoners sing in three part harmony. Sum
paint landscapes with acrylics. Sum practice ballet. Who the fuck is Johnny Cash they
ask.

Novel 106
Medico

There was this god Asclepius. For healing. His priests used a lot of opium and
dull scalpels. Some peeps lived. A gy Hippocrates thot he cud do better, but his wife
Irma wunt let him out for night school.

Novel 107
Medico II

There was this gy Semmelweiss. He was a gyno doctor. He washed his hands
between patients. They sed what are we icky you pussy. He invented the stethoscope.
Nobdy cared. He opened a peanut stand.

Novel 108
Medico III

There was this dctr. He made a potion for purple mahungus. It turned him into a
monster. Then a hot babe showed him her appendix scar. He became a Baptist and did
faith healing.

Novel 109
Medico IV

There was a dctr on TV. He told peeps how to lose wt. They lost a total of 1M#
but it was all in 1 place. They were all rabbit asses with pot bellies. The dctr opened a
Toyota dealership.

Novel 110
Child Care

A lady has many babies. All they have to eat is cardboard boxes that Nikes come
in. Nike uses them in a commercial. They can buy burgers at McDon’s. Then they go
back to eating cardboard.

Novel 111
Child Care II

A famous lady adopts a little mermaid. She has a nice swimming pool, but it’s
not salt water. The Fish Society takes the case to the Supreme Ct. All recuse. The
mermaid gets a job at McDon’s.

Novel 112
Ghosts and Chains

There is this haunted castle. Wind blows. Chains rattle. An invisible dog howls.
There is a party. The dog pees in the punch bowl. No 1 noes except Cinderella. She
laffs when the Prince drinks the punch.

Novel 113
Ghosts and Chains II

There is this hotel in Maine. It is cold. A man bites a werewolf. The WW turns
into a human. A sign on a punch bowl says here’s johnny. But the WW pees on a grease
fire and saves everyone.
Novel 114
Ghosts and Chains III

A blithe spirit haunts an obviously phallic lighthouse. She is happy until the CG
decommissions it. She sues, but the jury can’t see her. She haunts a missile silo.
Missiles are bettern Fresnel lenses.

Novel 115
Ghosts and Politics

The House of Burgesses is haunted. Ghosts of land seals roam the halls. A
naked tuff gy is called in. He uses Kung Fu. The Ghosts give up and sing in harmony
who the fuck is Johnny Cash.

Novel 116
Ghosts and the New York Philharmonic

Eric Leinsdorff is guest conductor. An old lady ghost thot his beat was too fast.
He finished Beethoven’s 7th 2 min 2 soon. She puts a curse on the French horns. They
all go flat within a year.

Novel 117
Ghosts and Quantum Mechanics

Some things happen in Planck space. They are virtual. They could be ghosts.

Novel 118
The Ghost of Columbus Day Past

An Italian gy does some illegal stuff. He gets rich. His priest dies and comes
back as a rabbi. The rabbi sez give to the poor. The Ital gy sez ok look at that poor babe
with a nice ass.

Novel 119
The Holy Ghost

This kid goes to confession. I masturbated. How many times. I don’t know.
The Holy Ghost does. Does he count. I don’t know just say 5 our fathers and 5 hail
marys.

Novel 120
The Holy Ghost II

This kid goes to confession. I masturbated on the Holy Ghost. Wat do u mean.
I got my sheets dirty. 5 OF & 5 HM. Is that all. Ur mther can wash the HG. Next time
use a kleenex.

Novel 121
Sasquatchus Bigfutini

Two gys are in the woods drnkn Lonestar. A big hairy gy comes up. Give me ur
beer or I’ll kick the shit out of you. They run to the sheriff. He sez is my Cousin Elmo
in town again.

Novel 122
SB II

2 gys are drnkn Lonestar. A big hairy gy comes up. It sez me want sum. They
ask it to join the Moose Club. It wins that yrs award for charity work with foster kids.
It is grand marshal in a parade.
Novel 123
SB III

Two Bigfoots are drnkn Lonestar. A gy comes up. Give me your beer or I’ll
kick the shit out of you. The sheriff finds his body in a hollow log. Cousin Elmo he
cries.

Novel 124
The Pot Farm

The sheriff has a cousin. Elmo grows pot in the forest. Here, Elmo. Take this
gun and guard the farm. OK. A hot babe comes along. Hello big boy. The gun goes
off. In the Fall there is Littlefoot.

Novel 125
The Pots Farm

The sheriff has a cousin. He grows pots. Big pots and little pots. He gets his
pot metal from the Chinese. It has lead and cadmium in it. Folks die. The villagers
come with torches and pitchforks.

Novel 126
The Pots Farms

The sheriff has a rich cousin. He has many pots farms. He sells pots to Macy’s.
The buyer is a hot babe. In her office is a Ming Pot. He breaks it while trying to feel
her up. They move to Mendocino and grow pot.

Novel 127
Alien Fiends

Hungry aliens come. They feed on humor. They steal every copy of every Marx
Bros. movie. The Earth gets very sad. Then the aliens die of a Three Stooges virus.
The Earth is happy again.

Novel 128
Alien Fiends II

A flying saucer lands. A man gets out. You earth gys are assholes. His robot
kills everyone. The saucer flies away. It crashes into the Enterprise at a four way stop.
Everybody dies.

Novel 129
Alien Fiends III

A talking potato lands in Ireland. The folks mob it. Please don’t eat me.
Jonathan Swift suggest they eat babies. They feed Jonathan Swift to the potato.
Everybody dies happy.

Novel 130
Alien Fiends IV

A talking Ire lands in Potatoland. Why are you mad Mr Potato asks. It’s what I
do you moron. Potato pulls off his nose and stabs the Ire. The Ire spits fire. They both
die sad.

Novel 131
Alien Fiends V
Aliens make huge signs in wheatfields. They are ads for Erectile Dysfunction.
They will send pills in a plain box. 29.50 for a month’s supply, plus shipping and
handling.

Novel 132
Dirty Rotten Spies

This gy is tied to a chair. A gy with an eye patch sez ve haf vays to make you
talk. He burns his elbow with a cigar. The gy sez 2 tsp of mayonaise. The eye gy sez
dis vil vin ze var.

Novel 133
DRS II

The envelope is stamped top secret. The other side is stamped bottom secret.
The gy doesn’t know what to do. He moves to Brazil and has gin and tonics with Martin
Bormann.

Novel 134
DRS III

The gy is a rare book dealer. He only has one book. It is the key to all the codes
used by the Paraguayan Navy. A hot babe steals it. She sells it to a one eyed tailor. He
could only read with the eye that went blind.

Novel 135
DRS IV
A cowboy spy has a top secret goat. The goat bleats two different codes. The
other cwby spy confuses the codes. He shoots the hot babe and kisses the horse. The
first cwby spy sez o shit.

Novel 136
DRS V

A Japanese cwby spy herds sea cumbers into a secret code formation. There is
Ainu uprising. It is suppressed by Russian cwby spies. Japan and Russia make peace,
but keep spies in Moscow and Tokyo.

Novel 137
Front Pages

A daring reporter infiltrates the mob. Call himself Bony Spumoni. Mob gys laff.
R U shitting us. Editor gets own newspaper with fish in it. Assistant editor sez this
means its Friday.

Novel 138
Metro Section

City cncilmn caught with young wmn in library. I was just reading to her. Open
book is city tax code. Wmns panties in cncilmns pocket. Daring reporter breaks story.
Thursday club has meeting.

Novel 139
Sports Pages

Mudcats win chmpionshp. Star pitcher caught with yang wmn in dugout. I was
just reading to her. Open book is season stats. Wmns panties hanging in batting cage.
Daring reporter breaks story.

Novel 140
Sports Pages II

Daring reporter follows golf pro. Catches golf pro making luv to tennis pro.
Tennis pro sends flowers to soccer coach. Soccer coach has another wife in
Schenectady. Footbabll coach is Japanese spy.

Novel 141
Financial Pages

Buffates sells all his stock in GE. The market crashes. A daring reporter
investigates. The reporter’s grl is held captive in an abandoned factory. A Japanese
cwby saves her.

Novel 142
Drama 101

Vladimir Grabowski is the richest Protestant in Poland. The Pope hates him. A
mysterious priest appears in Krakow. It rains. A black sedan run over a hot babe.
Vladimir is still rich.

Novel 143
Drama 101 II

On a dusty country road a dog howls. Farmer sez shut up bitch. His wife howls.
Shut up bitch. A shot rings out. A while buffalo breaks down the garden gate. The
gored frmr sez shut up bitch.

Novel 144
Drama 101 2 III

Myrna is skinny. Her husband is old. Her waitress uniform is stained. A


stranger comes n for cofee. Kill my husband and I’ll get bigger tips. The strngr gags on
the coffee. Everybody dies.

Novel 145
Romance True

Molly run thru a field of bluebells. Gabriel blows his horn. She blows Gabriel’s
horn. They lock in an embrace. I can tell, I can feel and some other BS. Blubirds sing.
Molly lvs him there with his pants down.

Novel 146
Romance Too True

This gy is a longshoreman. He has big muscles. This hot babe in a cotton dress
watches him work. She sez oooo. He’s rather drink beer. That nite they rob a bank.
In the shootout, 2 cops die in each other’s arms.

Novel 147
French Romance
Pierre has a wife and three mistresses. They have sex in various permutations.
Only two of the five really love each other. They die in the end. The others toast them
with absinthe.

Novel 148
Italian Romance

Gina makes luv to Marcello. Marcello makes luv to Sophia. Sophia makes luv
to Carlo. Carlo makes luv to his Ferrari. The Ferrari gets a Bugatti pregnant. They
name the baby Fiat. They wash it in Lux.

Novel 149
Scandinavian Romance

Bjorn luvs the fjords. They never aren’t beautiful. 1 day he finds a hjot blond
babe in the middle of his fjavorite fjord. Ympin’ yminy he sez. U r bettern lute fisk.
You betcha she winks.

Novel 150
English Romance

3 jolly coachmen sit in an English tavern. Let’s get some grls 1 sez. But the
other two fall in love with the barmaid. They flip white feathers to see who gets her.
The loser goes to the Sudan.

Novel 151
War and Piece

A czar is cold. I no. Let’s have a war. Maybe I can get a piece of Finland. At
least the cannons will keep me warm. His wife sez you need something. She has blue
eyes that never blink.
Novel 152
Pieces of War

An old China gy sez don’t hav a war if you can’t win. So the other China gys
just have little wars here and there. They still lose. So they invent checkers. Sometimes
they win.

Novel 153
Wars of Pieces

A yng China gy wins little wars here and there. He gets of little piece of here
and a little piece of there. It goes well until he runs into the czar. The czar has a wife
with blu eyes. And lots of cannons.

Novel 154
English Comedy

An English gy has big feet. He sings like a bagpipe. Crowds laff. War. He goes
to Gallipoli. He tells jokes in the trenches. Nobody laffs. He trips getting out of the
trench. Turks kill every 1 but him.

Novel 155
Serbian Comedy

An Albanian falls down the stairs. A Bosnian slips on a banana peel. An


Albanian and a Bosnian run into each other and bump heads. A Turk falls on his sword.
Novel 156
Argentinean Comedy

It is snowing. A Tierra del Fuegan is naked. He is fine. A missionary says get


dressed. The del Fuegan catches pneumonia. The missionary says it better this way.

Novel 157
South African Comedy

A Great White Shark learns the ingénue part in 42nd St. He is an understudy.
The lead breaks her leg. The shark can’t tap dance. He eats the producer.

Novel 158
Australian Comedy

A bushman loses his hat in the bush. A hot babe finds it. An aborigine sees her
and thinks she’s a goddess. A croc eats them all.

Novel 159
Searching For Things

An English gy sez I wil find the S Pole. He gets some Siberian ponies. A gy in a
Weddell seal suit sez what the hell are those. Every 1 laffs except the English gy. He
doesn’t find the Pole.

Novel 160
SFT II
A Norsky gy sez I wil find the S Pole. He gets some Huskies. No one laffs.
They never laff in Norway. He lives on lute fisk & apples. He finds the Pole. Back at
the boat they get drunk. No one laffs.

Novel 161
SFT III

A Wales gy sez I will find the source of the Nile. He searches in Indiana. He
finds moonlight on the Wabash. He calls it Lake Victoria. He goes down in history and
is honored by the Queen.

Novel 162
SFT IV

An African gy sez I will find the source of the Nile. His wife sez what the hell
are you wading in. He calls it Lake Victoria. They open a trattoria and make excellent
pizza. No one remembers their name.

Novel 163
SFT V

An Ital gy sez I will find India. He sails west. No one hears from him. Some
think he went off the edge of the world. Years later a bottle floats ashore in Ireland.
The bottle is empty.

Novel 164
A Tall Handsome Stranger

This gy rides into town. He has no name. His horse is called Pretty. He orders
milk in the saloon. A bully sez hah. He kills the bully. They elect him mayor. He
leaves twn with the money and the dentist’s wife.
Novel 165
A Handsome Tall Stranger

A gy is a POW in a Luftstalag. He plays chess with the commandant. He speaks


English with a German accent. They think he’s speaking Grm. He escapes. He opens a
small store in Dusseldorf.

Novel 166
A Stranger Handsome Tall

A spy gets the secret opal ring from a hot babe. She dies in his arms. Her last
words are salami on rye. He vows vengeance. He tracks the Algerian spy to Buenos
Aires. They get married.

Novel 167
Handsome Tall A Stranger

A spy and his partner are gay caballeros. They have a sandwich shop in Ushuia.
They serve salami/rye. When a Russian orders 1, they kill him. Oooops. Wrong gy.
They kill 3 Russ before they get the right 1.

Novel 168
Tall Handsome A Stranger

A gy comes to sml twn. Keeps blinds closed. Kids think house is haunted. Hot
babe brings cookies. Moves to NY with stranger. Picture of her in chorus of 42nd St.,
next to shark.
Novel 169
Stranger Handsome Tall

Hot gy goes to by dress for hot grl. Salesgrl not hot. Squirts perfume in his
eyes. Hot gy bekums blind concert pianist. Plays Rachmaninoff at Carnegie. Gets lots
of hot grls. Salesgrl fired. Bkums bank rbbr.

Novel 170
Stranger Tall Handsome

Tall handsome goes to West Point. Scores winning TD against Navy. Cheats on
exams. Joins CIA. Has face altered to look Japanese. Dies in Kyoto from poison bell
polish.

Novel 171
Spartapussy

Women gladiators fight in thongs. Sellout crowds. Spartapussy big draw. SP


drugged by nemesis Pussyspartus. Loses. Sent to caves in Cappadocia. Lives out life
as olive oil squeezer.

Novel 172
Spartapussy II

1st Empress of Rome, Caesaria Romera, crosses Rubicon. Finds sick Celts
sewing sacks. Sacks city, kills Kelts. Queltic queen Quanona curses all Romans. It
does no good. Caesaria dies happy during orgasm.
Novel 173
Prophets

God sez to this gy take this sacred fruit. Gy sez that’s a bell pepper. Take it
anyway, asshole. Gy takes the fruit to Samaria. Meets a hot babe. They have three
sons. One is Hercules.

Novel 174
Prophets II

God sez to this gy take this sacred oil. Gy sez it’s saturated fat. Take it anyway,
and melt it. The gy opens a pie shop in Jerusalem. He makes pork pies for Reform
Jews. He gets rich.

Novel 175
Spartapussy and the Prophet

On the road to Damascus SP has a seizure. She sees a Corinthian eunuch risen
from the ded. He helps her mend her torn robe. They both eat mushrooms. The eunuch
falls down a rabbit hole.

Novel 176
Prophets III

God sez to a gy read the hndwrtng on the wal. It sez for a good time call Sheri,
XIXXCLD. The gy finds Sheri. She is not so hot. He marries her. They have three
sons. None of them are Hercules.
Novel 177
Spartapussy and Caesaria Romera

Two women are lovrs. They get a prophet to inseminate CR. She has a son she
calls Hercules, but he is not. He is a nerd. Even skinny prophets kick sand in his face.
He moves to Serbia to spy on Turks.

Novel 178
Terrance of Arabia

A gy moves to the desert. Puts on keffiyeh. Bedouins call him boss. Loots a
French fort. Legion soldiers curse him. Moves to Keokuk. Opens a donut shop. Votes
for Harding.

Novel 179
Old Terrance of Arabia

A gy moves to desert. Puts on keffiyeh. Bedouins laff at him. Loots a Bedouin


camp. Gets chased to Casa Blanca. Opens a donut shop. Becomes world famous for
date donuts.

Novel 180
Young Terrance of Arabia

A gy moves to desert. Puts on keffiyeh. No one notices. Loots the lotion


dispenser in a woman’s rest rm. Get chased to Seattle. Opens a coffee shop. Dies
sleepless and unknown.
Novel 181
The Prophet and Spartapussy

A prophet is wearing a keffiyeh. Leading a Roman legion, SP rips it off. It is


John the Baptist. He baptizes her. He laughs at her wet T shirt and small breasts. She
kill him.

Novel 182
The Shield of Codor

A dragon eats a herdsman and swallows the golden amulet of Pholob. Pinkyboy
is given the Shield of Codor and told to sift the dragon shit until he finds the amulet.
The dragon swallows Pinkyboy.

Novel 183
Book Two of The Shield of Codor

Now the dragon shit has the Shield of Codor and the golden amulet of Pholob.
Pinkyboy’s daughter, Skankygirl, is given a second shield and goes to sift dragon shit.
The dragon swallows her, too.

Novel 184
Book Three of The Shield of Codor

A smarter king is in power. He gives Gorgonzola, the last hero, a colander and
sez go at night wen the drgn ain’t ther. Gorgy sifts three tons of shit. The drgn still has
2 Shields of Codor and the Pholob thing.
Novel 185
The Shield of Codor - Epilogue

A drgn has a martini on a terrace overlooking the Med. He wears a nice amulet.
A hot babe asks where he got it. She marries the drgn and decorates their villa with 2
pretty shields.

Novel 186
The Monk

A mnk prayed. Lord if u can’t help me fr hvn’s sake don’t help that bear. He
walks in the woods. A bear eats him. A beautiful Manzanita bush grows out of the bear
shit.

Novel 187
Another Monk

A mnk prayed. Lord u helped the bear. The Lrd sayeth no I helped a Manzanita
bush. The mnk brews manzanita tea and becomes St. Francis. All the bears love him.

Novel 188
A Third Monk

A monk prays Lrd let me b good but not 2 soon. The Lrd sayeth you can wait til
ur 85 if u live that long. The monk sees a lite in the chapel. A votary cndl has exploded.
He gets good rite away.

Novel 189
A Defrocked Monk

A monk prays Lrd let me b good but not 2 soon. The Lrd sayeth I’ll think about
it. The monk sayeth while ur thnkng I’ll slip it to Sister Agatha. She’s hot. The Lrd
sayeth ur fired.
Novel 190
Our Man in San Jose

This spy gy frm Costa Rica tries to get US nuclear secrets. They will make a
bomb to scare Nicaragua. He is a janitor at Los Alamos. There are no bombs there.
He dies a janitor.

Novel 191
Our Man from San Jose

This gy from CR is Percy Santamaria. He is master of the spy wrld. He can


steal any secret. He steals a lttr from a mail box. He lrns he may have already won
$1M.

Novel 192
Our Man with San Jose

Santamaria joins Alvin San Jose. They steal plans for the Norden bomb sight.
San Jose sez now we must steal Norden bombs. They can’t find them. They steal
cherry bombs and sell thm in a Chinese laundry.

Novel 193
Our Man for San Jose

Santamaria moves to California. He tries to steal the minutes of the San Jose
City Council. Too late. They are already in the newspaper. He steals a newspaper from
a crippled paper boy.

Novel 194
Our Man through San Jose

A crippled paper boy sez Bazam and becomes Capt. CA. He flies Santamaria
high. Give back the paper or I will drop you. SM duz, but CC drops him anyway. He
falls into the men’s pool at Stanford.
Novel 195
Our Man before San Jose

Santamaria is a child spy. He tattles on his classmates. He is teacher’s pet. His


classmates beat him up. They are all sent to Nicaragua. They plot to capture CR. SM
decides to steal the A bomb.

Novel 196
Fairies and Things

A good fairy taps an ugly gy with her wand. He gets uglier. Oh shit my wand’s
not working. She tries to break it over her knee and breaks her knee cap. The very ugly
gy is her nurse in the hospital.

Novel 197
F & T II

A really ugly gy is a nurse. Most of his patients die. A fairy tries to save some
with her wand. They turn to stone. Oh shit goddamm wand again. She breaks her other
knee.

Novel 198
F & T for Two

A fairy is in the hospital. The food is lousy. She tries to make it better with her
wand. It comes out good but Martha Stewart sez eeww. The fairy turns MS into a
Turkish weightlifter.

Novel 199
The Fairy and the Lone Ranger

A fairy sees a masked man on a white horse. Oh shit a bad gy. She turns him
into a small girl in a pink dress. The grl draws her pistols and shoots the fairy in the
kneecaps. Hah hah missed sez the fairy.
Novel 200
The F & the LR & Tonto
An Indian sees a little grl in a pink dress. She has a black mask. That you
quiemo sabe? Yes. Quick. Get my horse. Get ur own goddam hrse. The F turned
Tonto into a little grl in buckskin.

Novel 201
Knights and Ladies

Pirates lurk on the Rhine. A knight with white armor sez I will protect you
mlady. Pirates from the maushaus jump on their barge. The knight kills them but the
barge sinks. The lady calls him a dumb shit.

Novel 202
Ladies and Knights

Joan of Arc wears her armor for 40 d. She smells bad. A knight sez I’d protect
you but I can’t get near you. They burn her at the stake. She smells better.

Novel 203
Knights and Daze

Lou Costello is a knight. He fights Frankenstein’s monster. They both fight the
Wolfman. The Wolfman loves Audrey Totter. She is bitten by Dracula. Bela Lugosi
never loses his accent.

Novel 204
Days and Nights

Noel Coward has a fight with Cole Porter. Each claims the right to fight Earnest
Hemingway. Norman Mailer sez I did that already. Faulkner sez I did it with words.
Nobody is naked. Everybody is ded.

Novel 205
Fights and Daze
Joe Louis fights Rocky Marciano. It last 67 rnds before everyone goes home. 2
gys in a bar argue about hu is best. They fight. It lasts 67 rnds before everyone is 2
drunk
2 care.

Novel 206
Fame

A movie star drinks too much, beats his wife, takes blow, smokes pot, and hates
everybody who isn’t Catholic. This makes work for 1K peeps, and the economy of
America soars.

Novel 207
Smart Guys

4 gys figure out how to invest lots of money. It is so much nobody can keep
track. Every 1 thnks they are rich. The money is really on a yacht at Monte Carlo. Hot
grls are expensive.

Novel 208
The Paleontologist

Billy finds bones of a brontosaurus near Beijing. Billy brags to a broad in a


Beijing brothel. The broad boasts to her brother Bui. Bui bumps off Billy for the
brontosaurus bones. Bummer.

Novel 209
A Better Paleontologist

Brad buys the bones from Bui. He binds birdwing bones to the brontosaurus
bones, and brags about the biggest bird that every lived. He gets the Nobel Prize for
bullshit.

Novel 210
The Tired Drummer

A rock band has a gig in Hamburg. They need a drummer. The find a gy hu’s
really gud, but he’s sleepy. They give him Mtn Do. Their next three albums go
platinum.

Novel 211
The Extra Tired Drummer

A country band has a gig at the Gran Ol Opry. They need a drummer. They find
a gy asleep in the back of the bus. They hire him. He sleeps through the whole
performance. No 1 notices.

Novel 212
The Tired Drummer Extra

A jazz quartet has a backup drummer. He never plays. He goes to the beach at
San Clemente and sleeps in the sun. He gets burnt. That night they need him. He can’t
play. They r fired and go surfin.

Novel 213
The Not Mad Scientist

A science gy makes an electric bike. He likes to fish. He rides the bike to the
bait store and the pier. A wave washes him into the ocean. He lands on Gilligan’s
Island. He boffs Ginger.

Novel 214
The Truly Great Mad Scientist

Dr. Stiffinger makes a death ray. It will only kill evil people. He turns it on. It
kills every 1 in Oz except 2 blind Munchkins. A telegram comes for Auntie Em. She is
ded 2.

Novel 215
The Truly Mad Great Scientist

Dr. Fingstiffer makes a death ray. It will only kill good people. He turns it on.
No one notices.

Novel 216
The Mysterious Barber

A barber shop is a front for the CIA. People come in and bet on horses. The
secret code is Daisy Mae in the 9th. A lil grl comes in. I’m Daisy Mae in the 9th grade.
The barber kills her.

Novel 217
The Mysterious Barber of Seville

Un barberia es un frent para el CIA. Gente vienen y se ganan por los caballos.
La coda secreta es Maria en novena. A muchachita viene. Soy Maria en novena. El
cortero la mata.

Novel 218
The Mysterious Barber of Munich

A barber shop is a front for the Gestapo. People come in to avoid concentration
camps. A fraulein comes in. The barber sez ve haf vays to make you talk.
Novel 219
Thr Mysterious Barber of Munich - Part II

The girl sings Pamina’s aria from Act II of Mozart’s Magic Flute. The barber
gives her his Enigma machine. She becomes a U boat commander and is killed in the
Battle of Leningrad.

Novel 220
The Battle of Leningrad

Igor is starving. The Germans throw a party on the Bismarck, with really nice
pastries and helium balloons. Igor eats cream puffs but still hates Germans. They all get
drunk on warm beer.

Novel 221
The Battle of Britain

Igor joins the Polish Air Force. He flies for the RAF. He shoots down a Junkers
bomber. He gets to drink warm beer and kiss British grls. He thanks Germans for the
chance to get laid in London.

Novel 222
The Animal Lover

A gy hates cats. He meets a hot babe. She luvs cats. He sez he duz 2. Her cat
makes him sneeze. He can’t get an erection. The babe cries. The cat purrs. The gy
writes a hit country song.

Novel 223
The Animal Trainer

A gy has a dancing bear. It will only dance to Yankee Doodle played on a


harpsichord. The gy can’t find YD sheet music. He can’t find a harpsichord. He goes
homeless. The bear eats him.
Novel 224
The Bird Trainer

A gy has a talking mynah bird. The bird only speaks Japanese. The gy puts him
in a Kabuki theater. The mask doesn’t fit. The bird goes crazy and dies in an asylum.
Novel 225
The Man Who Used Rabbits in Cosmetic Tests

A gy put chemies in bunny’s eyes to see if it hurt. It did. He felt bad. He went
to Tibet and asked a guru for help. The guru said rabbits are good with Pinot Noir and
basil.

Novel 226
Blues Cousins

Ma mama throwed me out. Ma mama throwed me out. She opened up that big
oak doah and she flat throwed me out. Wah wah, wah wah, wah wah, wah wah.

Novel 227
Blues Second Cousins

I saw a girl awalkin’. She scared the shit out o’ me. She had muscles like a
Mozam ape. And legs just like a tree. She was my beauty, she was. She was my
beauty, she was.

Novel 228
Blues Second Cousins, Once Removed

That girl she grabbed me by the balls and turned my ass around. My soul got
twisted in her hands. I landed on the ground. She was my mama, she was. My sweet
ol’ mama, she was.
Novel 229
The Action Hero

A gy is on a tall bldg. A chopper is shootn at him. In the chppr is a Colombian


w/a mustache. The hero gy shoots of the stache. It trns out to be a hot babe. She gives
up coke. They have mny babies.

Novel 230
The Hero’s Action

This gy goes in a mine. A Colombian w/a blk stache has diamonds and
dynamite. The hero makes dinner. The stache falls into the soup. It is hot babe. She
gives up dynamite. They have many babies.

Novel 231
The Action’s Hero

This gy climbs K-2. Three hot babes are there 1st. They all have black staches.
They do a menage-a-quatre. The Hero takes them to Katmandu. A monk blesses all
four of them. They have many babies.

Novel 232
At Last Action From a Hero

A hero strts shootn bad gys. He kills 44. There are 144 more. He chases them
in cars. He runs down 41 peepl + a fruit cart. He kills all the bad gys + all the liberals
in the Vietnamese parliament.
Novel 233
Nancy’s Birthday

Mom is a pole dancer. She luvs ltl Nancy. She gives Nancy a pole for her bday.
Nancy gets real good. She becomes CEO of Megacorp. She poles dances at brd mtngs.
I owe it all to mom.

Novel 234
Mom’s Birthday

Ltl Nancy gets a job. She does lap dances. She teaches mom how. Mom is
better than Nancy. Nancy gives her stiletto heels for her birthday. They have balloons
and a non-alcoholic punch.

Novel 235
The Serial Killer

A gy likes to kill peepl. He also kills kittens and pandas. He is not nice. Then
he goes to Canada and kills the gys who kill baby harp seals. Greenpeace is confused.
Some women die of pneumonia.

Novel 236
A Serious Serial Killer

A gy kills people by putting cobras in their mailbox. 1 person is immune. The


killer puts peanut butter in his Cheerios. The prsn still doesn’t die. The killr uses a
small nuclear weapon.
Novel 237
The Serious Person the Serious Serial Killer Couldn’t Kill

A killer gy riddles a person with depleted uranium bullets. The prsn appears to
die, but a giant yellow lobster emerges from the corpse. The lobster reads Sartre aloud.
Only his feelers are existential.

Novel 238
The Philosopher Astronaut

This gy goes to Uranus. He can’t find uranium. He goes to Neptune. He can’t


find Neptunium. He goes to Pluto. He can’t find Plutonium. He sez I bet Superman is
bullshit 2.

Novel 239
The Eulogizer

A gy is at a funeral. He was a grt gy he sez. He made us all laugh. The body


sits up. And you all made me cry it sez. The crowd stampedes. The corpse lays back
down. A cat pisses in the alley.

Novel 240
The Saintly One

A gy dies. St. Pete says you pushed a litl ol ldy off a cliff. The sy sez she was
dying anyway. I saved her family money. They gave the $ to the poor. A litl kid dint
starve. St. Pete sez don’t pass go.

Novel 241
God

God’s name is Bob. Bob doesn’t like Micronesians. He makes volcanoes and
tsunamis. Peepl throw a virgin in a volcano. It spits her back out. Bob sez try that fat
gy with a wig.

Novel 242
Another God

God’s name is Irene. Irene is a lesbian. She resents penises. She makes them
fall off every man in South Africa. One gy sez I will play with jacks instead. Irene
makes him a grand marshal.

Novel 243
God of a Lesser Child

Ltl Amy says her prayers. She wants a car for daddy. One day a red wagon with
a Briggs and Stratton engine appears in the garage. Amy sez thank you god. Daddy
says r u shitting me.

Novel 244
The Mountaineer

Hi in the Alps an oleander grew. An ol man came. What are you doing here.
The ole said I like it. The ol man said you don’t belong. He killed and made tea from
the leves. It killed him.

Novel 245
Son of the Mountaineer
A yng gy sez I can climb higher than u. The other gy sez let’s see. They go to
the Andes. A shaman sez I can get u higher. He gives them coco leaves to chew. Pretty
soon they can fly.

Novel 246
Grandson of the Mountaineer

A 12 yr old climbs Mt. Everest. He comes down when he is 56. What did u do
up there. Up where. On top of Everest. Is that where I was. I thot I was in a bar in
Kansas City.

Novel 247
The Honky Tonk

A gy is in a bar in KC. I could climb Mt. Evrest. Bartender sez uve had enuff.
A hot babe sez I bet u cud. They go to Nepal. The hot babe gets Chlamydia from a
monk. The gy climbs a dumpster.

Novel 248
The Freudian Monk

A monk sez sometimes orange cloth is just a robe. An Austrian Jew says
sometimes it’s ur mother. Sometimes it’s a rabbi, but only if there is no God.

Novel 249
Our Father

A gy has 3 wives. Each has a child. They come to a river. There is a small boat.
He can only put 2 people in the boat at the same time. A wife can’t go with her own
child. They use the bridge.

Novel 2457
Which Art in Heaven

2 gys went to heaven. Both were named Art. St Pete said one of you duznt
belong. Pete flipped a coin Call it. Heads sez one. I wanted heads. Its tails sez Pete.
Which Art is in heaven.

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