Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Enquiries to:
Jonathan Williams Literary Agency
Rosney Mews, Upper Glenageary Road, Glenageary
Co. Dublin
Tel: +353 (1) 280 3482
Fax: +353 (1) 280 3482
DESCRIPTION
The book is divided into five sections, with the bulk of the book devoted to the
A to Z listings. Contact details for agencies and support groups will be
included at the end of the book. It is estimated that the final book will be
approximately 130,000 words and completed by the end of July 2010.
SYNOPSIS
How have your parents affected your choice of partner? What’s the best way
to resolve an argument? When should you compromise? How do you fix
sexual problems? Why do we need romance? What are the signs your partner
is planning to cheat?
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• It explores potential trouble spots over the life-cycle of any relationship
It is accessible to everyone:
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MARKETING ANALYSIS
Many books about relationships are inaccessible to the average reader. Men,
in particular, may feel uncomfortable with language instructing them to ‘get
in touch with’ their feelings or to access their ‘inner child’. For that reason,
this book is written in a factual and pragmatic way, using no-nonsense
language.
For thousands of couples, the wedding day is one of the most exciting and
stressful experiences they will have together. Most brides want their day to be
perfect and look for practical advice and information in magazines and online
to ensure a perfect wedding. Our book appeals directly to this market and
explores the psychological and emotional aspects of planning a wedding,
which other sources rarely cover.
In the past ten years approximately 2.5 million marriages took place in the UK
and a further 250,000 couples married in Ireland. We believe that our
combination of practical advice, useful information and fascinating facts will
appeal to a large section of this market.
ADDITIONAL BOOKS
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COMPETING BOOKS
We believe our book answers the need that couples have for a no-nonsense
guide to the fundamental aspects of relationships that affect every couple.
Although there are no books that fall into exactly the same niche as The A to Z
of Relationships & Marriage, there are a number of books that cover some
similar topics.
This book offers advice on how to deal with problems such as conflict,
infidelity and in-laws. Explores marriage myths, the marriage life cycle and
suggests ideas on how to keep a marriage strong.
The Relate Guide to Better Relationships: Practical Ways to Make Your Love
Last from the Experts in Marriage Guidance
Sarah Litvinoff (2001)
The Gottman Institute has studied hundreds of couples. Here John Gottman
examines the four signs of a troubled relationship; debunks many myths
about divorce; and reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together.
We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and
Strengthen Your Love for Each Other
Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman (1993)
This is a practical advice book to help couples resolve conflict and avoid
divorce.
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WRITERS’ BIOGRAPHIES
David Kavanagh
Numerous papers, including the Irish Independent, the Irish Examiner, the
Daily Star, The Sun and the Evening Herald have consulted him. He is a
regular contributor to several Irish radio stations, including RTÉ’s Radio 1,
2FM, 98FM and Newstalk.
Anne Sexton
Anne is a regular guest on Irish radio including RTÉ’s Radio 1, 2FM, 98 FM,
Red FM and Newstalk. Her work has appeared in several Irish newspapers,
including the Irish Examiner, the Irish Independent and the Evening Herald.
During October 2009, she presented ‘The Ladies Room’, a chat show on Real
Radio, a Dublin-based pilot station.
We believe that our combined training and experience make us an ideal team
to write a unique guide to relationships and marriage which is both witty and
informative and has a wide appeal.
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PERSONAL MARKETING
Print Media
The A to Z format of our book lends itself easily to magazine and newspaper
features and sections of the book could easily be reworked to suit these media.
Anne Sexton has print media contacts, and these could be used to market the
book.
The authors both have extensive media experience and links in Irish television
and media. These will be useful in promoting the book in Ireland. We believe
this could be leveraged into publicity in other English-speaking territories.
Web Media
David Kavanagh has access to the Irish wedding market through his pre-
marriage course website.
We also believe that a complementary website could be created for the book.
This would feature exercises, questionnaires, surveys and case studies.
Other
The book could be sold at pre-marriage courses, wedding fairs and through
wedding websites.
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INTRODUCTION: HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
Is there a magic formula for making a relationship work? No. Well, yes, sort
of. But first, let’s deal with a little bit of bad news: there’s no one-size-fits-all
The truth of the matter is that you need good basics to begin with –
think mutual respect, not a mutual love of Star Wars (although there’s no
Third Law – for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction. This
means that your behaviour and your attitude both have a pretty powerful
influence on your relationship, and that all relationships, even good ones,
sometimes need a nudge in the right direction. But you already knew that –
Here’s the good news: if the foundations are solid, then there’s a
lot you can do to influence the quality of your relationship. Think of a house:
as long as the structure is properly supported, you can knock a few walls
down, add an extension, renovate and redecorate until you’ve got the house or
and problems of everyday life may bog us down; sometimes we hold on to the
past and allow it to push us around; and at times we act out in ways we don’t
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really understand because we haven’t examined our feelings, motivations or
look at the most important influences on your personal development and how
these can affect you and how you interact with your partner. Even the
marriage and offers practical advice and information to help you gain the
skills to negotiate the tricky times and make the good times even better.
The book can be read as set out from A to Z, dipped into from time to
suggest you take time after reading each section to think about what you’ve
couples have tackled their problems. The names have been changed, but the
case studies, and all the couples referred to throughout the book, are people
Some are fun, some not so much, but they are all useful. Most importantly
they are designed to help you and your partner gain a deeper understanding
of yourself and one another. Understanding why you act the way you do is a
powerful tool – it allows you to step back, examine your attitudes and
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One word of warning: do not use this book as a tool to berate your
partner. During an argument you might feel tempted to point to an entry and
say ‘See, that’s what you’re doing wrong!’ Don’t! We encourage you both to
read the book, and if possible to do the exercises and questionnaires together,
but it’s not necessary. Leave the book lying around where your partner might
spot it if you wish, but do not try to make him or her read it against their will.
You will cause more problems than you are likely to solve that way.
problems you cannot solve on your own. Many of us are too embarrassed to
admit that we can’t fix them and so we suffer in silence. Do not be one of
those people – it takes a particular kind of strength to admit that you need
help. At the very end of the book we have included contact details for agencies
and professional services. Use them if you need to – they are there to help.
infuriating, difficult and demanding at times, but admit it – so can you. With
Intimacy allows you the freedom to grow as a person with your best friend,
lover and helpmate at your side. What could be more important than that?
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ACCEPTANCE AND ACCOMMODATION
bossed your brothers and sisters, you may be tempted to boss your partner; if
your partner’s mother gave in every time she cried, she may expect you to do
the same. Quite often, we may not even realise that we do this – certain
relationship you need to accept that you both have personality traits that play
a part in how you relate to one another. You need to accept your partner’s
from the understanding of the ‘I’ that we each bring to the ‘Us’.
understanding that you come from different family backgrounds, and that
these have helped shape the people you are today. Accepting your partner
includes accepting his or her family. You don’t have to love them, or even like
them, but you have to accept that they are part and parcel of who your partner
is and, at very least, tolerate them for your partner’s sake. Family gatherings
you do to let your partner know that his or her social, family or romantic
for an overbearing sibling; time apart to spend with friends; or sticking at your
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ACTING OUT
We have all heard the term ‘acting out’. A person who is acting out is
consciously aware of. Let’s say you are at a party and your wife runs into an
ex-boyfriend. They have not seen one another for many years and they have a
great time catching up. Your wife is not flirting or acting inappropriately, but
you cannot help but wish she was not talking to him. You may not be able to
insecurity and irrational jealousy. Instead, these feelings are suppressed, only
to come to the fore as acting out. Acting out can take several forms – throwing
Acting out can affect your relationship if you do not have the emotional
maturity to recognise what you are thinking and feeling, or if you do not know
bothering him or her, you should wait until he or she has calmed down and
talk about what has happened. Trying to reason with your partner when she or
Intelligence
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AFFECTION
Affection is any act, behaviour or touch that makes another person feel valued,
loved and appreciated. An affectionate touch is non-sexual, but not all non-
sexual touches are affectionate – poking your husband in the stomach may be
hugging and a kiss on the cheek are all examples of affectionate behaviour.
For most couples, passion fades after a few years, but affectionate behaviour
shows your partner that you care for, and feel connected to, her or him.
Some couples are affectionate with each other in public, while for
the UK found that the majority of the respondents felt that passionate kissing
or fondling in public was less embarrassing than holding hands. This was seen
chances are you will feel comfortable acting in the same way.
particular, distrusted public displays of affection. For years her parents had
pretended to be happily married, and had acted affectionate in public but not
time’ – a front to be put on for other people. Marianne and Joe were
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challenged to hold hands the next time they went to the supermarket to see if
this could have any benefits for their relationship. They claimed to have felt
‘silly’ initially, but that once they got over their discomfort, they enjoyed the
experience and felt closer to one another. Whether this was the result of
There is nothing wrong, per say, with keeping affection private, as long
overide’ – simply put, this means that a couple needs enough happy times and
loving behaviour to cope with the difficulties that life throws at them.
this makes sense. It’s a simple case of two pairs of hands are better than one –
a committed couple will raise their children together; these children have two
valued and loved. When we give and receive affection, our brain releases the
hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin makes us feel bonded with one another, and
Affection and oxytocin have been found to lower stress hormones levels,
reduce blood pressure, improve mood, boost the immune system and may
have a whole other range of benefits too. The message is simple – affection is
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AGE DIFFERENCE
Here’s something you may not know: many Bible scholars believe that Joseph
was about thirty years older than Mary. These days, in most countries it is
illegal for a man in his mid-forties to marry a teenage girl, and even if it were
heritage. In other cultures and at other times in history, people had very
different ideas to what we believe these days. However, there’s one common
thread across many cultures: men tend to marry women who are younger than
them. This is because younger women are most likely to be fertile and to bear
healthy children.
Most research suggests that the closer in age a couple are, the better.
In the developed world it is the norm for most of us to choose partners with an
age difference of no more than five years either way. In real terms, an age
are that you will have similar health, interests, cultural reference points and
levels of maturity.
twenty years younger than your partner, the physical difference between you
will become more marked as you both get older, which may affect your sexual
relationship, and his or her health and vitality may become a problem.
An age discrepancy can mean that you have different priorities. Take
the example of Peter and Suzanne. Suzanne was thirty-five when she married
Peter, who was ten years younger. After they married, Suzanne wanted to
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settle down and start a family, while Peter wished to focus on his career and
still enjoyed nightclubs at the weekends. Although Suzanne had been willing
to go dancing with Peter before they married, she had assumed that he would
want a more sedate lifestyle after the wedding. Increasingly she found herself
comparing herself negatively to the younger women in Peter’s social set, which
made her feel jealous and insecure. After they married, both Peter and
problems could have been avoided if they had had an honest discussion about
what they expected from marriage, but the couple were blinded by romantic
love and had not considered practicalities or challenges that their different
ages posed.
context. It may be more difficult for a partner who is much older or younger
than you to integrate into your social circle. Your family and friends may feel
uncomfortable about the age discrepancy, make your partner less welcome
barrier to happiness if both parties are prepared to deal with the challenges.
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AGEING
Ageing in an inevitable part of life. We all know this, but few couples consider
how ageing will affect their relationship. We might amuse ourselves imagining
what it will be like to be grandparents, but for the most part we take our looks,
our sexual desire and personalities for granted – all of which change over
time. If you are lucky, in thirty years time you will still be married, but the
things that make you feel connected today may have passed.
We rarely factor in illness and declining sex drives when we get married
or commit to a partner, but these are issues many couples face. Ageing can
affect our health, sex drive, energy and strength as well as our looks.
worth considering what it is that you value about your partner. If, for example,
you admire your partner for her or his good looks, will you feel the same when
time has taken its toll? If you were drawn to one another because you both
enjoy nightclubs, heavy metal music or extreme sports, what will you share
when you can no longer do these things? Many people believe that common
these certainly help, common values play a far greater role in the long-term as
shared values and genuine companionship this does not necessarily mean that
Problems
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ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AND ANTI-ANXIETY PILLS
While there is no doubt that anti-depressants are a godsend for the hundreds
pain or frustration and is rooted in the current context of a person’s life, such
childhood trauma.
Most of us trust our GPs, particularly if we have been with them for
years, and accept prescriptions without question. While there is no doubt that
most doctors want the best treatment possible for their patients, some may be
are more likely to look for ‘quick-fix’ solutions instead of referring patients to
therapy, when this would be a more appropriate solution. Doctors may also
medication.
depressants are the best way for patients to manage their illnesses. Medical
problems need medical solutions, and no amount of therapy will help if your
moods. Patients suffering from illnesses such as bipolar disorder may manage
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Unfortunately, one of the failings of the medical and psychotherapeutic
territorialism can mean that patients sometimes do not receive the best care
possible.
explain why, how long you should expect to be on the medication, what side
effects you can expect, and what the withdrawals symptoms are. If you are
unhappy with the prescription, seek a second opinion or ask your GP to refer
you to a psychiatrist.
Judith was a successful businesswoman in her early thirties when she gave
birth to her first child. During her pregnancy, the baby was lying in a position
that caused Judith constant pain, and because of this, she had difficulty
sleeping.
The birth took over twelve hours, and Judith was badly torn afterwards.
After the long and difficult birth, the baby was given to her to nurse before
Judith had time to rest or recover. When she objected, the nurse was
After returning home, Judith suffered panic attacks and was overcome
with a fear of death. She found it difficult to bond with her child and felt guilty
that she was not immediately overwhelmed with love for her baby. To assuage
her guilt, she spent large sums of money on baby clothes and toys.
After a few weeks, Judith’s emotional stress was so great that she
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said, “Don’t go for therapy. It will bring up stuff.”
The hospital staff failed Judith, as did her doctor. When institutions or
failures as our own. Judith needed time to rest, recover and process the
difficult birth of her child, but she was not given the chance to do so. When
she approached her doctor, he brushed aside her feelings of inadequacy and
guilt.
electric shock sensation in the brain. After this, she decided to seek a second
opinion from a doctor, who referred her to therapy. With therapy, Judith was
number of sessions, she felt more bonded with her child, curbed her guilt-
relationship and this side-effect is of real concern to people who need to take
Researchers believe that this loss of libido may be because many anti-
regulation of our moods, but too much serotonin can lead to feelings of
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satiety, thus decreasing the desire for sex. Fortunately, there are anti-
depressants that work in other ways and have a less detrimental effect on
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ATTRACTION
The first throes of sexual attraction can feel a little like a cross between
destiny and being hit over the head with a piano. It can feel magical and a
This weeding out process can take place within an incredibly short
period of time. Experiments suggest that when meeting someone new, people
make up their minds in as little as three seconds and generally base their
From a very young age we are able to distinguish attractive faces from
ugly ones. Even babies prefer pretty faces and will spend more time looking at
preferences can vary from one country to another or change with fashion.
Scientists believe that certain attributes, such as a symmetrical face, clear skin
and a fit body are always going to be alluring because they indicate that a
feet, hands, eyes, breasts and even nostrils is going to be slightly bigger than
the other. So don’t worry too much if you’re not perfect – nobody is!
the ‘correct’ features because these indicate that a person is a suitable mate.
These features tell us that a person has the correct hormonal balance. A
person with a square, broad jaw has high levels of testosterone. This is why
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women are said to find it attractive in a man, but men prefer youthful or more
men and women prefer should be different. A strong jaw-line should get
female pulses racing, while men should admire large eyes in women.
manipulated male and female images to change the sex of the face. The
researchers changed the faces to the typical dimensions associated with the
other sex, but kept the shape of features the same. Students were then asked
the sex of the face made no difference to its attractiveness – if a face was seen
opposite sex. Likewise, faces that were seen as unattractive when unaltered
As we all know, sexual attraction doesn’t stop at the face – the body is
equally as important. Most women opt for a broad chest and shoulders on a
man, while men like a waist that is narrower than the hips. This is called the
oestrogen, her waist will be smaller than her hips, even if she is overweight.
However, even if you are good-looking, healthy and fit, not everyone is
going to fancy you. Why we find one person attractive, but not another, can
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Pheromones are chemical signals that can tell us whether or not a
immune system different to our own. This gives you the best chance of having
a healthy child. The downside of this neat trick is that women who take the
contraceptive pill may have pheromone radars that are out of whack. This can
cause them to choose a partner with a similar immune system. Once they go
off the pill and try to conceive, they may find their partner a lot less attractive
without knowing why. If you met your partner while on the pill, it is worth
bearing in mind that pheromones are just a tiny part of the sexual attraction
equation and many scientists are sceptical about the role they play.
Most people think they would do better at dating and mating if they looked
like Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt, but this isn’t necessarily true. Incredibly
better offer comes along. Beautiful people also seem less approachable, so
average-looking folk tend to have better luck in love. They are less
intimidating and so, since most of us are fairly average ourselves, we are more
Just about every year researchers conduct studies that they hope will
unlock the secrets of attraction. In recent years, scientists have found that
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couples who look alike are more compatible in the long term and that Chris de
Burgh was on to something when he sang about the “Lady in Red” – men find
this colour clothing the most attractive on women. However as yet, no study
has been able to tell the whole story. It seems that why we are attracted to
My Chemical Romance
One of the most common complaints couples have is that they no longer feel
as passionate about each other as they once did. If you’re a romantic, brace
Here’s how it works. You meet a man or a woman and feel a certain je
ne sais quois: he or she is attractive; you go out on dates and you get to know
each other better; perhaps you have sex. Over time certain parts of your brain
mate, so it’s not Cupid but Mother Nature who steps in to lend a hand. A
and dopamine are released into your bloodstream, giving you a feeling of
elation, joy and connection and, before you know it, you’re in love.
is usually within three years. After that, they tend to gradually disappear. The
even after the honeymoon period is over. If you get along and make love often
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you’ll also get the benefit of oxytocin, vasopressin and other endorphins.
woman gives birth, causing a mother to bond with her infant. Known as the
love or cuddle hormone, oxytocin is released during orgasm and it’s this
During orgasm women release more oxytocin than men, but this does not
mean that, chemically speaking, women have been given a raw deal – orgasm
triggers the release of vasopressin in men, and scientists believe that this
helps a man bond with his partner. Frequent ‘hits’ of oxytocin and
vasopressin– and sexual pleasure too – help to keep a couple bonded. Think
of the elderly couple walking hand in hand on the promenade eating ice
creams. Perhaps their early sexual passion for each other has dwindled, but
Since the year 2000, scientists have been able to use new, nifty-sounding
brains of people in love. The fMIRS show the three parts of the brain that are
used in romance: the ventral tegmental, the nucleus accumbens and the
caudate nuclei.
When people fall in love, the ventral tegmental works full tilt, producing
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feelings of craving, exhilaration and ecstasy – it makes you miss your partner
Along with the ventral tegmental, the nucleus accumbens forms part of
the brain’s ‘reward centre’. The thrilling signals that start in ventral tegmental
such as riding a bicycle, is stored. Long-term love is stored here as well – just
We’ll admit the reasons we find one another attractive are fascinating, but if
you are in a relationship, the chances are that you found each other appealing
to begin with. The question is: how do you put this information to good use?
partner desire you all over again, but there are a few tricks that can help. Here
are the ten most important attributes of attraction and some ideas to make
Looks: Smooth skin, full lips, small noses and high cheekbones are
appreciated in women, while women find men with strong faces attractive.
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You can’t change the hand nature has dealt you but you can improve it.
You’ve heard it before, but it’s worth repeating – healthy eating, plenty of
water, exercise and a good skin care routine (and if necessary, a trip to the
dermatologist) work wonders to improve your skin. Don’t forget that make-up
and grooming can improve a lot of flaws, and a good lipstick and gloss can
give the illusion of fuller lips. Studies show that men think women who wear
A weak chin can always be disguised with a beard, but a 2008 study
found that most ladies love a bit of stubble, and find this look more attractive
Voice: Researchers have found that women, particularly when they are
ovulating, prefer men with deep voices. Men prefer higher voices in women,
as long as it’s not ear-splitting! With time and effort, you can learn to
modulate your voice. A far easier trick is to fake it when whispering sweet
it’s worth ten times the price of a regular bag. It’s the same with people. If a
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Scientists think this might be an easy way to successful mating – since it takes
time and effort to find a good partner, we are happy to let others do the
How can this work for you? Not by trying to be the most desirable man
or woman in the room and driving your partner mad with jealousy! Some
people think playing with jealousy will increase their partner’s desire for
them. This might be true in the short term, but this is a dangerous game and
it’s not advisable if you want your relationship to last. However, there is
absolutely nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward when you go
out. If your partner sees you receiving admiring glances from other men or
and beliefs as us. There is not a lot you can do to change your background, but
we all like people who agree with us. The next time you are on a date with
your partner, bring the conversation around to a topic you both find
interesting and agree on. This will enhance your feelings of connection and
Body language: People who are charming and self-confident tend to attract
other people. Lucky them, since this goes to reinforce their self-confidence!
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Good posture, a friendly smile and a relaxed demeanour all indicate
As a general rule, women prefer tall men. But don’t worry if you’re not.
Your wife or girlfriend loves you whatever your height and, other than shoe
lifts, you can’t do much about it anyway. However, you can stand up straight.
People who have good posture look taller, more attractive and friendlier than
intimate activity, while men feel closer and more connected when they talk or
play side by side. If you want your partner to feel closer and more attracted to
If you are unhappy, your body language reflects this – you have the
weight of the world on your shoulders, so you slouch, avoid people’s eyes or
cross your arms over your chest. Luckily, faking it can actually help improve
your mood. Sit or stand straight and smile and you’ll instantly feel a bit better.
The act of smiling tells your brain that you are happy and this triggers the
release of serotonin, the hormone that makes you feel happy. Happy people
Listen: We like people who make us feel that they are interested in us, and
what we are saying. Pay attention when your partner speaks to you,
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each other’s experiences is crucial to long-term relationships; and you cannot
validate if you have not even heard what he or she has said.
and partly still a mystery, but there’s one thing almost all of us agree on – a
like a man to be funny, whereas a man prefers a woman who laughs at his
jokes. Sharing laughter is important. If needs be, steal jokes, watch comedies
percent of the time. When you first fall in love, this increases to an incredible
75 percent of the time – you get lost in your partner’s eyes. When people fall
rekindle some of the initial passion, make this work to your advantage. If you
look into your partner’s eyes 75 percent of the time, you trick their brain into
believing they are falling in love with you all over again and phenylethylamine
and be careful not to stare at them like a deer caught in headlights – that’s
Another trick of the eyes is the dilated pupil. When we like the look of
someone, our pupils increase in size. Researchers have found that when asked
to judge between two photographs of the same person, which are identical in
every way, except for pupil dilation, people believe that the photo with dilated
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pupils is more attractive. Low lighting causes the pupils to dilate, which is
your partner or taking them out and put this knowledge to good use.
Compliments and flirting: Letting someone know you think they are
relationship but then let this slide the better we know one another. Do not
assume your partner knows you think they’re hot stuff – tell them, in words or
many make most people feel uncomfortable. Keep the compliments specific
Changing your looks: Women instinctively know that changing their looks
can keep a man on his toes. It is one of the reasons why women spend money
on clothes, make-up and hairdressers. Updating your look, a new hair colour
or dressing differently can make someone look at you with fresh eyes.
Obviously you need to be sure that whatever changes you make are attractive
and flattering. Just a word of caution here: your partner might not be pleased
with a dramatic new look. If your wife loves your beard or your husband
adores your long hair, it might be best to leave it in place and try a less drastic
change.
Addiction
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BEDROOM
Your bedroom should be a haven away from your children and romantic space
for you as a couple. This sounds obvious, but many couples allow children’s
toys and domestic mess to invade their space. For most couples, the frequency
of sex falls off after a few years of marriage, so it’s a good idea to have a sexy
The colour spectrum is divided into warm and cool colours. Yellows,
oranges, and orange-based reds are warm colours, whereas blues, greens and
blue-based reds are cool. For bedroom décor, blues and greens are said to be
calming, pastels are relaxing, reds are exciting, oranges are happy and
colour, could give your bedroom a new lease of life. Consider the tactile
qualities of cushions, sheets and throws when buying them. Satin sheets are
expensive, clean ones are not, but they feel great too. An inexpensive CD
player or music dock is a small investment but can make the bedroom feel a
lot more private and relaxing. Almost everyone responds well to the smell of
vanilla, and a couple of scented candles will make the room look and feel
romantic.
One last thing – one of you may be more likely to leave clothes strewn
around the bedroom (and this is not always the man!). Try talking to your
partner about this, or placing the laundry basket so it is convenient for the
offending person. If none of this works, remember that some people are
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messier than others and this may just be one of the ‘for worse’ parts you have
partner?
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BODY IMAGE
Do you like your body? If the answer is no, you are in good company. Very few
women, and increasingly men, are satisfied with the way their bodies look.
body image as “a person’s perceptions, thoughts and feelings about his or her
body” and argues that from as young as eight, most Western women
experience some dissatisfaction with their bodies. This trend is not confined
to women alone. Grogan notes that studies have found that from the age of
Most people know that what is perceived as the perfect body changes
with the prevailing fashion of the day. The voluptuous curves of Marilyn
Monroe were considered ideal in the 1950s, but the waif-like figure of Twiggy
was popular in the 1960s; in the 1990s the so-called supermodels were mostly
tall and athletically built, but fashion goes in cycles and it swung back to very
slender figures. The death of a young model in 2006 sparked a huge media
debate when it was revealed that she had been starving in order to conform to
making us feel bad about our physical appearance. Every day we are
billboards, on public transport and even in toilet cubicles. We may know that
models and actors are not representative of society as a whole, and that these
images have been airbrushed to remove even the tiniest imperfections, this
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We all know that it is important to eat healthily and take regular
over 52,000 diet books and more than 7,000 exercise DVDs, some of which
body image doesn’t always come about because we genuinely need to shed a
few pounds – millions of men, women and children dislike their bodies
The reasons why people develop poor body images are complex, and
although the media plays a role, other factors, such as our peer groups,
parents, teachers and friends, come into play. Some psychologists believe that
flaws – may have a biological origin and can be treated with anti-depressants.
It is unfair, but society rewards those who fit into the prevailing
aesthetic culture. Thinness in women and lean muscular bodies in men are
peers and overweight adults may be overlooked for jobs and promotions.
Not having a body that fits into the current aesthetic can affect our self-
confidence and make us feel unattractive. In extreme cases, we may even feel
sexually intimate with our partners. Men may feel unable to satisfy their
partners; and it is not uncommon for women to demand that the room is dark
when they are having sex or to insist on wearing at least some clothes in bed.
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If your body image is affecting your self-confidence or your
understand the reasons why you feel so negative about your body and assist
Since 2000, there has been a huge increase of interest in plastic surgery. The
back pages of men and women’s magazines carry adverts for cosmetic
What was once the preserve of celebrities is available to all, and treatments
patients seeking tummy tucks between 2000 and 2008. Certain procedures
did become less popular over the period – nose reshaping and liposuction
United Kingdom between 2003 and 2008. Like the US, the most popular
procedures were breast enhancement and tummy tucks, both of which rose by
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Although women accounted for 91 percent of the procedures, men are
respectively between 2007 and 2008. The number of British men choosing
plastic surgery is still relatively small. Only twenty-two men in Britain elected
member Dalia Nield noted that this increase was partly due to the media
the upsurge in media scrutiny of male bodies in partly responsible too. The
term ‘moobs’, a contraction of ‘man’ and ‘boobs’, seems to have first appeared
in the British press in 2004. Between 2004 and early 2009, ‘moobs’ or ‘man
boobs’ appeared in the British press over 500 times, and male celebrities and
politicians are routinely mocked for their less than perfect physiques. It is
hard to say whether the media is simply reflecting men’s concerns about their
bodies or reinforcing negative body image, but psychologists believe that men
are under more pressure to conform to body ideals these days than in the past.
seeking liposuction, body dissatisfaction is not the reason most people seek
plastic surgery. The ASPS findings suggest that patients seek cosmetic
procedures because they believe the maxim: ‘look as good as you feel’.
The ASPS has an interest in promoting plastic surgery and its findings
are rebuked by other studies, which have found that body image improves, at
least in the short term, after a patient has undergone a cosmetic procedure.
38
students found that those who internalised materialism and socio-cultural
messages that promote beauty were more likely to desire plastic surgery.
surgery and suicide. Studies from the United States, Canada and Denmark
found that women who had undergone breast augmentation were two to three
The most plausible explanation for this is that people who elect to
put them at risk of suicide, but that these are undetected or ignored by plastic
dysmorphic disorder (BDD) seek cosmetic surgery at some point and that up
suffering from BDD are more likely to self-harm and are up to 45 times more
electing to do surgery. However, those with mental health problems may slip
through the screening process, which is not necessarily rigorous enough, and
patients who are turned down by a surgeon generally have no problem finding
Eating Disorders
The reasons why people develop eating disorders are complex and depend on
are often linked to feelings of powerlessness and may have their roots in a
39
Bodywhys, an independent voluntary organisation that deals with
eating disorders notes that dieting and low self-esteem are two major risk
factors for eating disorders. While it is not possible to draw a direct causal link
between the media and eating disorders, Bodywhy notes that the media can
promotes a particular body shape can erode self-esteem and the constant
girls under the age of 16 for the treatment of anorexia in the past ten years.
number of men treated for eating disorders in the UK in the last five years.
problems such as alcohol or drug abuse, and in many cases partners may be
unaware that their husband or wife is hiding a problem. Eating disorders pose
we strongly urge you to contact the eating disorder experts listed at the back of
this book.
Marie and her twenty-one year old daughter Nancy decided to seek therapy
because Marie was anxious about Nancy, who suffered from an eating
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mother do all of the talking.
depressed; when Nancy ate, Marie was happy. Nancy was trying to establish a
separate identity for herself, and since she felt powerless in the face of her
strong-willed parents, in particular her mother, she controlled her food intake.
Over the course of their consultations, it was revealed that the family
were in denial that their son had sexually molested Nancy as a child. An eating
disorder can be a symptom of sexual abuse. Since control over outside events
is impossible, many victims control what they can control – their food intake.
As this case study shows, Nancy’s eating disorder was a result of her
sexual abuse and the power dynamics within her family. The promotion of
restaurants, for obesity, or celebrities for anorexia, can distort the reality that
there are complex underlying reasons for most eating disorders. Parents
whose children develop eating disorders may find it easier to blame external
For more information, see: Health; Vaginal Surgery; Weight Gain and
Weight Loss
For more information on family dynamics, see: Brothers and Sisters; Family
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BODY LANGUAGE
It ain’t what you say it’s the way that you say it. Experts believe that in face-to-
Strangely enough, the words we use may be the least important part of any
message; it is our intonation, and especially our body language that really tell
others what we think and feel. For the most part these signals are processed
subconsciously – we are rarely aware that we are reacting to each other’s body
language and, unless we make a special effort, we do not know what signals
language lets him or her know. We start preening and sending out courtship
signals. Women send out about five times as many flirting signals than men.
Hair: One of a woman’s first flirting signals is to play with her hair, either by
tossing her head to flick her hair back, or by touching and playing with her
Mouth: Women pout, lick their lips and hold their mouths slightly open
when they are flirting. This is because the lips mimic the vagina – when a
woman is turned on, her vaginal lips swell with blood and become red. This is
Self-touching: When running her hands along her throat or thigh, a woman
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Hands and wrists: Women turn their palms upwards and expose the inside
of their wrists when flirting. They may also adopt a limp wrist, which is a
submissive signal.
Over the shoulder glance: A woman will give a man a quick look over her
raised shoulder if she finds him attractive. She will look just long enough for
Rolling her hips: Women walk with a wiggle because their pelvic region is
Pelvic tilt: Most men like a narrow waist on a woman and by tilting her hip
Knees, legs and feet: When a woman sits with one leg tucked under the
other, she will point her knee at the man she finds most interesting. She may
do the same kind of signalling with her feet. A woman may also unconsciously
cross and uncross her legs while flirting or sit so her inner thigh is on view.
Playing with clothes: Women fuss with their clothes, remove layers or play
with their buttons when they are with someone they fancy. She may also slip
her foot in and out of her shoe when she’s attracted to someone.
Smile: A broad smile with lots of eye contact is a sure sign someone likes
you.
Although women use more flirtatious body language than men, men also have
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Hair: Like women, men tend to play with their hair when they find someone
Raised eyebrows: Men raise their brows and adopt a quizzical look when
Clothes: Men use preening gestures, such as straightening their tie or pulling
woman he fancies.
Squaring: A man stands straight, pulls his muscles tight and squares his
Crotch display: A man may sit or stand with his legs apart facing a woman
he finds attractive.
Perch: A man may sit on the edge of his seat, facing the woman he finds most
interesting.
Stance: By standing with his hands on his hips or hitching his fingers into his
belt, buckle or belt loops, a man is drawing your attention to his genitals. This
Before you decide if your partner is flirting with someone else, check to make
sure they are sending out at least four courtship gestures at the same time.
Taken separately, body language signals do not mean a lot. The context in
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which the body language takes place makes a difference as well – a woman
might fidget with her clothes because she is nervous, not in the throes of
not aware that our body language is giving someone come-hither signals.
However, body language can help you spot warning signs. These are
not proof that your partner is up to something, but it’s worth paying attention,
especially if your partner flirts with the same person repeatedly. Here’s what
Body betrayal: Your partner is sitting beside you, but her or his body is
facing your ‘rival’. You may also feel excluded from the conversation if your
partner is doing this, particularly if she or he is sitting with their back towards
you.
Secret signals: You catch your partner sharing deep meaningful glances, or
intimate smiles with someone else when he or she thinks you cannot see.
synchronise our bodies and action. We sip our drinks at the same time or hold
Eyes: If you are talking to your partner but his or her eyes are focused on
someone else as they are listening and responding, this is a sign that he or she
What can you do? Firstly, remember the golden rule from The Hitchhiker’s
Guide to the Galaxy – don’t panic! Even if your partner is indulging in some
extracurricular flirting, it does not follow that he or she has been unfaithful or
45
is planning to cheat. Some people are just natural flirts or may be inclined to
flirt under certain circumstances, such as one too many glasses of wine.
displays. Kiss your partner on the cheek, remove imaginary lint from his or
her clothes, hold hands or give them a quick hug. All these gestures tell a rival
after the Rebecca Loos scandal broke? In almost every photo, Victoria was
pictured with her arms around David, holding him. This is a message to tell
the world ‘he’s mine!’ The important thing to look out for here is your
partner’s reaction. If they turn away from you, go stiff when you touch them
or complain you are crowding them, you may have a problem. The best thing
to do then is talk to your partner. Wait until you are alone and explain calmly
how you feel and what it is about his or her behaviour that bothers you.
In many long-term relationships, people forget to flirt with each other. If you
have been together for years, you may think this is not necessary. It is – at
Make time for flirting. Arrange regular date nights where you go out
and enjoy each other’s company. Dress up, and pledge not to talk about
domesticity or children. Flirt with one another the way you would if you were
trying to seduce your partner all over again. It may seem silly at first,
especially if you have not done it for a long time, but flirting is a way of
expressing your delight and attraction to each other, and that is important.
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Argumentative Gestures
Body language reveals your emotions. We may say one thing, but if we feel or
believe the opposite, our body language gives us away. We know this
instinctively. Let’s say you have had an argument with your partner. She
apologises, but she is tapping her foot and looking away. Such an apology
When you have an argument, the body language you use can make the
situation worse. All couples disagree, but psychologists have found that the
When emotions are running high, your body language will probably be
the last thing on your mind, but if you want to resolve the argument and keep
avoid:
conducted an experiment and found that if a lecturer points his or her finger
while teaching a class, students found the lecturer aggressive, unpleasant and
belligerent. The students also recalled less information from the lesson. So, if
you want your partner to listen to you and feel positive about you, even
though you are arguing, do not do this. When people point fingers at us, we
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become distracted because we are sizing them up and judging them instead of
across our chest as a barrier when we feel insecure, when we disagree with
what is being said or when we do not like the person who is talking to us.
Research shows that if you adopt this posture when listening to someone, you
boring person traps you at a party, but if you are having an argument with a
partner, and want to resolve the problem, you need to listen to what he or she
is saying. If your partner is sitting with arms crossed, try and get them to
uncross by making him or her a cup of coffee or hand them a glass of water.
Not only will they be forced to uncross their arms, but a small act of kindness
during an argument will help dissolve the tension too. Just one extra thing –
if a person has his arms crossed but both thumbs up, he’s being protective,
Legs and arms crossed: By adopting this pose, you are literally and
Clenched fists and crossed arms: This posture shows hostility as well as
Eye-rolling: Rolling your eyes to the back of your head suggests that you
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Swat: Like eye-rolling, swatting an argument away with your hand suggests
you feel scornful towards your partner and his or her viewpoint. This is the
the discussion.
Reconciliation Gestures
scoring points is less important than finding a resolution. The next time you
argue, consider adopting some reconciliation postures. Try using ‘open’ body
language – face your partner, uncross your arms or legs and keep your palms
faced upwards. All these suggest that you are receptive to what is being said.
Men should consider sitting down. Height tends to command respect, but it in
Sitting, so you are around the same size as your partner, suggests you see eye-
to-eye, whereas lowering your body so that you are smaller is a submissive
possible to misread body language. Experts have three golden rules to make
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You need to look for clusters of at least four gestures before you decode
body language. A single gesture by itself means little. Let’s say you are having
an argument and your partner uses the swatting gesture. He or she could be
swatting a fly or have hair in their face. But if you see repeated swatting, or
swatting along with eye-rolling, sneering and crossed arms and legs, your
partner’s body language is telling you clearly that they strongly disagree with
Congruence means that the words and body language agree. For the
most part, we disregard what people are saying if their body language does
not match their words. If your partner tells you that, ‘no, those jeans do not
make you look fat’ and his body language is open or affectionate, believe him!
If he is rolling his eyes or crossing his arms, he probably just wants you to
hurry up and is not particularly concerned about your jeans one way or the
other.
We cross our arms when we are cold; women wearing short skirts cross their
legs; and people play with their hair or clothes when nervous or
conclusions!
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BROTHERS & SISTERS
Do your siblings affect your relationship? Yes, and in more ways than you
might think. If you were lucky (or perhaps unlucky) enough to have them,
your brothers and sisters were your first peer group. From them you learnt
how to play, share, and relate to others. Your siblings also taught you how to
stick up for yourself, have an argument and, when they were breaking your
toys or getting you into trouble, you learnt that life isn’t always fair. Siblings
also give us our first taste of jealousy and competitiveness – almost everyone
who has them has suspected, sometimes correctly, that their parents
preferred a brother or sister. All this influences how you relate to your
partner.
Family Types
Psychologists say there are two main types of families – enmeshed and
disengaged. Enmeshed families are very close – sometimes too close. They
can be overly concerned about one another and too involved in each other’s
lives, which means they’re always phoning up or calling over. Being a part of
his or her own thing and they have less sense of connection or loyalty to one
another. If the family is really disengaged, they might not even talk to each
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Let’s say you come from an enmeshed family and your partner’s family
is disengaged. It’s likely that you will want your partner to love and respect
your family as much as you do and you might hope that you will develop close
friendships with his or her family. In theory that’s a good idea, but it can be
tricky in real life. Your partner may wish that your family would give you
‘more space’ as a couple, and even if his or her family like and respect you,
Consider the example of Jeremy and Alice. Jeremy and Alice were
happily engaged, but how often they saw their in-laws was a bone of
contention. They visited Jeremy’s mother every Sunday, but Alice felt this was
too frequent. Ideally, she wanted to visit her in-laws every fortnight and spend
alternate Sundays with her own family or alone with Jeremy. Jeremy became
angry and frustrated. He claimed that his mother would take this as a
There’s not much you can do to change either your or your partner’s
family, but by being aware of where the difficulties are likely to be, you can
avoid potential problems. Read the next sections for some more examples.
If you are close to your family, they are the people you turn to in times of
trouble. But no matter how close you are, you need to separate your
relationship with your brothers and sisters from your relationship with your
partner. Unfortunately, this means that you really should not complain to
your siblings if you have had an argument with your partner. Nor should you,
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in a fit of annoyance, tell them all the things your partner does to drive you
crazy. Think how much you would dislike it if your partner did this to you;
you would feel betrayed and embarrassed. This does not mean you can never
ask your brothers and sisters for advice, but consider carefully what you say. A
between your partner and your family complicated, if not impossible. We all
say things we do not really mean when we are annoyed. Once the row has
blown over and you have made up with your partner, you will probably forget
all the complaints you made about her or him, but your family may not. They
may never see your partner in the same good light again. Is this what you
really want?
family, even if he or she is at loggerheads with them. Support your partner, let
him or her know you understand why they are upset, but do not add fuel to
the fire. Families sometimes argue and generally make up, even if it takes
time. No matter what the row was about, and even if you really dislike the
family member in question, this is not an invitation for you to share your
feelings. As the expression goes, you can choose your friends, but you cannot
choose your family. Your partner’s siblings are always going to be family – but
Picture the scene. It’s a Sunday afternoon and you are visiting your family for
lunch. It has been a good meal and you have been having such a nice time that
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your father decides to open another bottle of wine. At some point later the talk
turns to an emotive topic – let’s say politics. Your partner is emphatic about
to get a little heated. Listening in, you realise that your partner does not have
a clue about the subject at hand. It’s a little embarrassing – your partner has
had one too many glasses of wine and sounds foolish and uninformed. Now
your brother wants to know what you think. This can be a recipe for disaster.
One of the problems any relationship can face is who to put first, your
family or your partner? It’s a tough issue but the answer is simple – if you
want your relationship to work – put your partner first. It’s not always easy,
especially if you disagree with your partner, as in this case. Problem number
one is that, even if you strongly disagree with your partner, it’s a bad idea to
say so publicly. Problem number two is that, no matter how much your
brother may have annoyed and upset you over the years, you are used to
Here’s an example. Neil and his brother Ben had an argument. After
they made up, Neil and Ben went for a walk. While they were out, Neil’s father
asked Susan, Neil’s new wife, to take sides. After she refused to criticise her
husband, Neil’s parents both turned on her. When Neil and Ben returned
from their walk, Neil discovered that a full-blown row had erupted between
his wife and his parents. He was put in the difficult position of having to
choose between them. He sided with his wife and it was several weeks before
his relationship with his mother and father was back to normal. It is not
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uncommon for families to choose their new in-law as the scapegoat for the
Months later, while visiting Susan’s family, Neil had an argument with
his wife’s younger brother, Peter. During the quarrel Peter swore loudly at
Neil but Susan said nothing. Consider the situation: Susan defended Neil
against his parents but not Peter. Why? Peter was family and Susan reacted
that’s a good thing, but here it stopped her from sticking up for her husband.
It is not surprising that Neil was angry and hurt. He felt that Susan cared
more about Peter than about him. Neil’s family is disengaged while Susan’s
family is enmeshed. This meant that Neil found it easier to step back from his
family to support his wife, but Susan did not. For many months Neil resented
her behaviour and it took a long time for him to forgive Susan for this
betrayal. Do not use your family type as an excuse for your behaviour. No
matter how enmeshed your family is, it is still important to support your
If you really strongly disagree with your partner, try to live by that old
golden rule: if you cannot say something nice, don’t say anything at all. If
possible, try to change the topic or defuse the situation – ask an unrelated
There is one exception to this rule: some couples thrive on debate and
are happy to argue about a topic for hours. That is because both people enjoy
the mental exercise and do not take the disagreement personally. In such a
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partner in public. But do not let the argument get personal and if it does, stick
In an ideal world, your loved ones would get on, but that rarely
happens. One of the most hurtful things you can do is to criticise your partner
publicly, and that’s exactly what you are doing if you choose a sibling over
them. If you disagree with your partner, save that discussion for a time when
Did you know that many family therapists believe that the order in which you
were born into your family affects your development and personality? As a
middle children are the peacemakers who really do not know where they
belong in the family. Psychologists believe that this is because parents expect
great things of their eldest child. They assume that he or she will be academic,
ambitious and successful. This child has also had the benefit of parents’ full
attention for a few years. After three or more children are born, middle
children may feel neglected, as it is generally the youngest who gets spoilt.
Most family therapists will tell you that the best mix for a happy
charge and someone who likes to be taken care of. When two elder children
marry, they may fight over who takes the most responsibility; two youngest
children may become dissatisfied because they both feel they should be
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pampered by the other; and two middle children might be afraid to upset each
other. That is not to say these combinations will not work well – of course
they can. If you and your partner have ‘incompatible’ birth orders, do not
worry! Some researchers believe that the importance of birth order has been
overstated, or that the traits associated with birth order only come to the fore
when surrounded by our family and that these may disappear in other
relationships. The eldest child may act in a bossy manner towards her sisters
and brothers because it is a lifelong habit, but that does not mean she will be a
bossy wife or friend. Finally, there is nothing you can do to change your birth
order, but if any of the above sounds familiar to you, it is certainly worth
remembering how your sibling constellation can cause clashes with your
Being an in-law means you will sometimes get called on for babysitting duties.
This can sometimes be difficult. Children are often amplified versions of their
parents. This is great if you like the parents in question, but not so great if it is
You may disagree with the way your partner’s brothers and sisters raise
their kids, but unless the child is being abused or neglected, it is none of your
someone else’s parenting style. If you are babysitting, respect the parents’
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Furthermore, be wary of overly zealous in-laws who want you to have a
very close relationship with their child. Sometimes this is an excuse to dump
the child on you. The best way to deal with this is to perfect the art of making
a good excuse. But before you say no to baby-sitting, consider the fact that all
parents need a break from childminding duties, and that you may be glad that
Labels
At work you might be the boss, but as soon as you get back to your parents’
house, you are the baby. When we are growing up, our parents give us labels,
such as the drama queen or the clever one. In addition, one of your parents
may have being hoping for a child of the opposite sex and have treated you
daughter’s label is the tomboy. Until they are teenagers, most children try to
please their parents and so act according to the label they are given. This
means that whatever your label was, it had a much greater impact on your
personality than you realise. It is not uncommon to find two people marrying
because, unconsciously, they see a balance in their respective roles, thus Jack
The label your family gave you may cause you to be over-sensitive in
certain situations. Consider two sisters: Claire, the clever one, and her sister
Polly, the pretty one. Growing up, both girls probably felt a bit jealous of each
other. Claire might feel insecure about her attractiveness, while Polly might
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believe she is not smart enough. Claire is likely to get upset if her partner
criticises her looks, clothes or hair or if he openly admires other women. But
she is just as likely to be upset if her partner dismisses her intelligence. As far
doubts on her intelligence, Claire’s idea of who she is has been threatened.
The same is true for Polly. She may be very prickly if her partner slights her
intelligence; and although she might wish to be admired for more than her
good looks, she certainly wants her partner to believe she is beautiful.
It is possible to outgrow our labels, but for the most part they are
hardwired into our self-image. When you visit your partner’s family, pay
attention to how your partner behaves around them or ask him or her what
their label was. You can use this information to gain a deeper understanding
of him or her.
Finally, remember these golden rules for dealing with brothers and sisters.
partner to share the loyalty or closeness you feel for your family.
4. Your family and your partner do not always have to get along.
5. Always treat your nephews and nieces like precious china in a very
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COMPROMISE
John wanted to spend his holiday golfing; his wife Catherine did not
mind the destination as long as she got some to spend time with her husband;
happy, John decided to take the family to Florida, but asked Catherine if she
would be willing to let him spend three days on the golf course instead of in
the theme parks. Catherine felt this was a fair compromise, provided they
scheduled a few romantic dates together after the children had gone to bed.
John agreed. In this instance, John and Catherine reached a compromise that
allowed them, and their children, to get what they wanted from the family
holiday.
Thomas and Gina were engaged and planning to marry. Gina wanted to keep
her surname instead of taking Thomas’, but he was unhappy about her
decision. They considered using both surnames, but they agreed that this
double-barrelled name was too long and unwieldy. Gina suggested that
Thomas take her surname instead, but he was unwilling to do so, since this
was not ‘tradition’. Because neither of them wished to change their names, the
couple reached an impasse and they were worried that their inability to find a
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the worst thing you can do. If one person always compromises – particularly if
this is done automatically without letting his or her partner know – there is a
good chance that, sooner or later, he or she is going to feel resentful. In a case
Gina was unwilling to take her husband’s surname – she felt her surname was
a part of who she was and losing it would mean giving up her identity as a
our feelings are unlikely to change, and again, we may feel we have
How to Compromise
There are instances when you should compromise and times when you should
not. It is never a good idea to compromise your values and principles – doing
so may lead to far greater problems in the long run. Instead, you should accept
that you and your partner are individuals who see the world differently and
issues, such as money and sex, you both may have to compromise. For
example, if one person wants sex to be romantic and the other prefers
something a little more daring, you may find that agreeing to do what your
partner wants means that he or she will be more willing to please you as well.
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Be willing to compromise for each other’s families. In-laws can be
difficult and demanding, but when you marry someone, you marry their
family too – at least to some extent – and finding a way to get along will help
childrearing and discipline. Children, even young children, learn very quickly
that their parents disagree, and are well able to pit parents against each other
accept conflict and difference as part of a good relationship. Gottman tells the
story of how he and his wife Julie, who is also a relationship expert, once had a
problem that took five years to resolve. Couples who are happy and have
strong relationships still have terrible fights now and again and are not always
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CONSUMERISM
developed world. Put simply, this means that our economy depends upon the
people must have cash or credit to make purchases, and the confidence and
the desire to do so. For people with enough disposable income – and for a
good few without – many purchases are influenced by desire rather than need.
No one genuinely needs a sports car or five shades of red lipstick – we buy
them because we want them. This desire can come about for a variety of
own.
of wealth, goods and status symbols can have serious consequences on your
want to be seen as a success by others and fear that our loved ones will brand
Fromm’s ideas to the test and have found that this is indeed the case.
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James notes that English-speaking nations suffer twice as much emotional
distress as mainland Europe and cites a wealth of evidence that supports his
distress. James notes that studies have found that people who are strongly
are less satisfying and fulfilling. Materialists were also more likely to argue
with their partners, insult them and swear at them. Even worse, materialists
believe that because materialists place a great emphasis on wealth, status and
image they are more likely to devalue intimate relationships and chose
Even for people who normally would not dream of spending large amounts of
part of the wedding experience. It was not always so. In America and Europe
weddings were mostly simple affairs with the community being invited in for a
supper and a dance to celebrate the nuptials, normally at the home of the
groom.
are often dissected and advice is given as to what products and services should
be purchased in order to create the perfect day. The venue, the dress, the
flowers, the food and even wedding favours are all discussed at length and
each purchase is seen as contributing to the overall style and tone of not just
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From the nineteenth century on weddings in the United States began to
no longer strictly adhered to, it is still the most popular colour for weddings.
Queen Victoria is said to have popularised white when she chose it for her
wedding in 1840. Most young women simply wore their best dress. Better off
families may have had a dress handed down from mother to daughter, but this
could be any colour. It was only the upper classes who could afford to have a
special dress made for the day. In rural Ireland, most young women owned
just two dresses – an everyday outfit and a Sunday ‘best’, which through lack
of any alternative was the default wedding dress. It was only after the
World War II that the special white dress became a tradition. These days the
wedding dress is a large ticket expense, and designer dresses can cost several
thousand pounds.
diamond at the end of the nineteenth century – a style that is still considered
because of the expense, but also because they were regarded as old-fashioned.
increase sales of engagement rings. This worked, and by 1943 between 75 and
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98 percent of American brides received an engagement ring.
Despite the turmoil in the global economy from the end of 2008, the
wedding industry has remained remarkably buoyant. In the United States, the
wedding industry was worth $61 billion in 2008, with couples spending an
£15,000 and £20,000, while in Ireland most couples spend around €27,000
to get married. For many couples, spending large amounts of money and even
celebration.
Jeffrey and Anita were in their early thirties and planning to get married, but
the cost of their wedding and their different attitudes towards spending was
beginning to take a toll on their relationship. Since they both had well-paid
jobs they had been planning a luxurious day for their friends and family, but
Jeffrey was anxious that his parents would disapprove of how much money
Jeffrey was also worried how their spending was affecting their
always fall short of money before his next payday. Jeffrey realised that his
financial woes were at least partly the result of the extravagant gifts he
routinely bought his fiancée, such as designer clothes, shoes and handbags.
Anita’s family was very wealthy and Jeffrey felt he had to prove to them, and
to Anita’s father in particular, that he was able to take care of her. Jeffrey
revealed that when he asked Anita’s father for her hand in marriage, her
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father had enquired how large a diamond ring Jeffrey had bought.
Unfortunately for Jeffrey, Anita did not see anything wrong with her
father’s attitude and ascribed it to his wish to ensure that she was well looked
after. While this couple had practical problems with money management, a far
greater and more serious issue was that they had different value systems.
Although Jeffrey also enjoyed the finer things in life, Anita felt them to be her
due. During therapy, the couple realised that they had contrasting beliefs
about money and that this could become a flashpoint in their marriage. When
Anita saw how much her attitude towards money bothered her future
husband, she agreed that they needed to rein in their spending and save for
the future.
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CRUSH
think about him or her all the time and imagine that, if you were together, life
sometimes the object of your affections has no idea you have any feelings
It’s not all bad. A crush can lead to a successful romantic relationship,
as long as you learn to revise your expectations so that they are more realistic.
After all, most of us are a little infatuated with our partners. It becomes
unhealthy only if you idealise a person so much that love becomes impossible,
because the real-life person will never be able to match up to your fantasy.
Most people stop becoming seriously infatuated as they get older, but
about starting a new life; or we might be sexually bored with our partner.
that most infatuations do not last very long. If you want your relationship to
work, do not act on a crush and, if possible, minimise contact with the person.
If they return your feelings, you are risking infidelity, and possibly your family
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DIET & LIBIDO
Here is something to bear in mind when doing your weekly shop: the food you
eat greatly affects your energy levels and your diet can dampen your libido or
If you put junk in, you get junk out, and following a sensible, healthy
diet is an easy way to increase sexual desire and fitness. Here’s how:
give you energy. Wheat germ and whole grains high in vitamin E are essential
nuts and beans. A lack of protein in your diet can cause your libido to flag.
Vitamins A, B1, B3, B6, C and folic acid are important for a healthy sex
drive. These can be found in whole grains, eggs, fish, vegetables and fruit.
energetic and has better sexual endurance. Your muscles and lungs need
water to function at their best and dehydration can also cause vaginal dryness.
Something Extra?
Almost every year a new study or book claims that certain foods really are
It has been suggested that the fish oils in coldwater fish, such as
salmon and halibut, may promote a healthy sex life. Fish oils contain the
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(docosahexanoic acid). Fish oils may help improve blood circulation in the
genitals or influence the part of the brain that responds to sexual pleasure.
It has been claimed that bananas, honey and flaxseeds all increase
Celery and the amino acid arginine are both believed to help men sustain
erections. Pumpkin and sesame seeds, almonds, walnuts and fish, such as
Sharing a meal is probably the most popular form of seduction, but a heavy
meal can leave you feeling more sluggish than sexy. A romantic meal should
be fairly light – a good choice is grilled lean chicken or fish and a salad.
flavours and textures – raw vegetables served with dip; olives; sushi; oysters;
partner is more bangers and mash than caviar and crackers, that’s the way to
go. A romantic meal has to be enjoyable – that’s much more important than a
Legendary Aphrodisiacs
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this was because of the shape of the food, such as cucumbers, or because it
The French are said to have dined on three courses of asparagus on the
hormone production.
The ancient Greeks believed that beans increased fertility, and legend
has it that St. Jerome, father of the Latin Church, warned nuns against eating
Hot spices, such as ginger, peppers and chilli supposedly warm the
blood, leading to increased desire. According to Haitian lore, basil is the gift of
Erzulie, the goddess of love, and was used to keep a partner from straying.
Rosemary is said to play on our senses. Medieval women would add sprigs of
In the 5th century BC, Hippocrates prescribed honey for sexual vigour.
preparation for the wedding night. The word ‘honeymoon’ comes from the
promote fertility.
owing to their resemblance to the female genitals. However, oysters are high
in zinc, which is important to keep the male reproductive system healthy and
it may increase fertility in both men and women. Casanova was apparently
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Is Chocolate Sexy?
Chocolate as a Valentine’s Day gift, chocolate body paint and many chocolate
An Italian study found that women who eat chocolate regularly had
more sex but the results were far from conclusive. The chocolate eaters tended
to be younger, which means they would have higher sex drives naturally.
Sweet-Tasting Sperm
Many women are not that keen on the taste of sperm. That’s fair enough – it
isn’t the most delicious way to get your proteins. The food a man eats can
make the taste sweeter or more potent. Red meat, coffee, smoking,
cauliflower, asparagus, broccoli, heavy spices, junk food and garlic are major
pineapple, wheatgrass and cinnamon, and sticking to lean proteins all help.
There are also commercial products available that are said to improve the
taste of sperm, but the jury is out on whether or not these really work.
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DISMISSIVENESS
beliefs is called dismissiveness. If your partner came home from work and told
you that his or her boss was a bully, you could react in a number of ways. You
could listen and ask him or her to explain the situation; if you have had a
tough day yourself you may launch into your own complaints; or you might
think he or she is overly sensitive and tell him or her not to take the boss so
seriously. If you reacted in either the second or third ways, your partner would
be aggrieved. He or she was trying to share something with you, but you were
unwilling to listen.
happy to hear about your partner’s work troubles, but dismiss his religious
beliefs out of hand, or think his political opinions are naïve and foolish.
your partner to believe that you do not regard his or her feelings as important
or that your care and love is not really available. Ultimately, by constantly
invalidating your partner’s experiences may cause him or her to seek support
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EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
finds it easy to grasp the emotional climate of a situation and act accordingly.
‘emotional intelligence’. Goleman suggested that this ability was often a far
more useful and important skill than a high IQ, because we need emotional
intelligence every day – in work, with friends and with our partners. In
When our words and behaviour match, we say they are congruent. As a
rule, we tend to believe those whose behaviour is congruent with what they
say, and distrust those whose actions and words do not add up. If someone
says “I love you” with a scowl, you would be rightly suspicious. However, in
of social norms. We grit our teeth instead of shouting at a waiter who brings
us the wrong order, or smile when our loved ones tell embarrassing stories
up that this is a smile of annoyance, not pleasure, and repair the situation if
possible.
Our ability to read emotions, and how we react to them is first taught to
us by our families. If your family had difficulty in handling anger, you may
have learnt that anger should be suppressed, not expressed. However, in most
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marriages there will be times when you will feel anger towards your partner or
when he or she will be angry with you. Anger is a healthy emotion and when it
Imagine your husband got a phone call from his sister who lives in a different
country. She calls to tell him that she will be flying in to visit the family, but
will not have a chance to see him. Your husband might say this does not
bother him, because he is not close to his sister. Three days later he snaps at
you because you forgot to collect his dry-cleaning, although you had promised
husband that you are his wife, not his slave and that you too had a busy day. It
is perfectly understandable to feel anger that a promise was not kept or that
because one or both of them would have realised that the husband’s anger was
not caused by the forgotten dry-cleaning but rather by his sister’s phone call.
It can be challenging for one or both of you to connect the phone call
with his annoyance – but that is what emotionally intelligent people are able
emotionally intelligent, but with time and patience we can learn to recognise
what are our and our partner’s ‘hot-button’ issues and how these emotions
cause us to behave.
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Recent research suggests that emotional intelligence may play a role in
satisfying sex lives than their less emotionally clued-up sisters. The
Paula Hall, a sexual psychotherapist for Relate, the UK’s largest relationship
relationship problems, for example. If you are aware of your own emotions
and can identify the issues and communicate them, you are more likely to be
Emotions
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FAIRYTALES
We all know that real life is nothing like fairytales. Unfortunately, there are
just not enough handsome princes for everyone! When we were children, our
learnt that getting lost in the woods was dangerous and that it was not a good
idea to break into a neighbour’s house and eat their porridge. However, not all
the lessons we learnt from fairytales were as practical and as useful as those.
men and women in fairytales. Many concluded that these seemingly innocent
Sleeping Beauty and Rapunzel – all these heroines are described as good and
beautiful, but they find themselves in awful scrapes until a handsome prince
rescues them; they get married and live happily ever after. Romantic novels
and stories for adults often follow the same basic plot, leading some scholars
responsible for what our society regards as acceptable male and female
behaviour, they do reflect certain attitudes and ideals that are still current. For
pushiness or aggressiveness.
The lessons we have learnt from fairytales may influence our attitudes
and desires. Although we know that relationships take work, we may still
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hanker after a ‘happily ever after’. A woman may develop ‘learned
helplessness’ and expect her partner to ‘rescue’ her. This could be in little ways
such as expecting her partner to deal with pushy salesmen or look after the
need his help since this makes him feel like a hero; a woman who is well able
to tackle rude waiters or earns more money than him may make him feel less
of a man. For the most part, you will not be consciously aware of these needs
and desires.
Over time, she developed helplessness in the face of everyday difficulties and
depended on her fiancé in a very unhealthy way. This only came to light when
the ‘prince’ in her life suffered the loss of a grandparent and he broke down in
tears. In seven years, this young woman had never seen her strong,
response was one of panic. How could she possibly cope if he was the one who
needed rescuing?
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GOALS OF MARRIAGE
Why do people get married? Between 2008 and 2009 over two thousand Irish
couples were surveyed and asked to name five reasons why they were
planning to marry. Most could come up with only a few answers. The majority
responded that they wanted to show commitment; that they wanted to spend
the rest of their lives together; or that they wished to start a family. However,
role; that they felt marriage was expected by society; or that because they had
been together for so long, marriage was simply the next logical step.
Wishing to spend the rest of your lives together and have a family are
possible to do this without getting married. Yet people still choose to marry. In
some countries there may be financial and legal benefits to being married, and
to raising children in a union recognised by the state, but very few couples
mentioned these practicalities and they rarely prompt people to get married.
Despite the fact that marriage is a big decision and should be a positive step in
therapists believe that marriage has three major goals: the creation of a
family; happiness; and the personal growth of the individuals involved. The
starting a family is the most obvious goal. However, there is a great difference
between having children and the creation of a loving family, which is much
harder to achieve. It demands time, skill and lots and lots of patience.
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Therapists suggest that a good rule of thumb is to strive to become the parent
you would like your partner to be and to develop within yourself the qualities,
For more information, see: Childcare & Parenting; Children & Marital
Satisfaction; Families
Therapists believe that most people get married in the hope that this
will increase their store of personal happiness. A good marriage can and will
increase happiness, but even the best marriage can help only so much. If you
marriage is very unlikely to change you. However, spending time with those
who cherish, value and care about you creates positive sentiments, and you
feel happier as a result. Marriage does not form a barrier to the stresses and
strains of life, but a good relationship can make them easier to bear.
Our closest companions are often the ones who bear the brunt of our
time together where you act in a loving manner towards each other. This is
setbacks of life and the struggles and difficulties of marriage can overwhelm
wife in this situation is likely to question the relationship and conclude that
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Marriage affords an opportunity for personal growth. Therapists
believe that this is one of marriage’s most important goals. When prompted,
most of the couples interviewed said they believed that marriage would help
them to grow and develop – in that it would help them to become more
mature and responsible adults. However, very few of us think through the
implications of how this might work. When we are single or living alone, we
do what we like. If we choose to spend our free time watching sport, cleaning
the house, playing computer games, shopping, drinking with our friends or
have disliked things about ourselves as single people, most of the criticism
lot harder to hide from our flaws – there is always somebody willing to tell us.
information, see: Newly-weds & the First 12 Months). Quite often people
behave in ways their partners dislike, but without meaning to hurt or annoy
inconsiderate way. Most people take criticism to heart and we begin to see
ourselves based on the complaints of our loved one. This spurs on some to
make improvements; others get defensive and decide that their partners are
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One of the smartest things a couple can do is to have regular
discussions about their relationship. You could decide to do this every three or
six months. During this ‘state of the nation’ a couple discusses how the
relationship has changed and developed over the last period, what positive
adjustments both parties have made, and where improvement is still needed.
feedback reinforces our goodwill to grow and develop as people and makes us
more willing to tackle problems. A frank and honest discussion about the
marriage also offers a chance for both people to reflect on the relationship,
reaffirm why they are together, discuss what they hope to achieve as a couple,
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GROOMING
both of you has ‘let yourself go’. Let’s face it, it is a whole lot easier to be sexy
when you are dating, but when you have children, a job and responsibilities,
making the effort to be attractive to each other can take a back seat. It would
day of the week, just as it would be to expect a man to spend four hours a day
in the gym keeping in shape. Life gets in the way of looking good. Having said
Grooming Sins
through a severe drought, there is no excuse for not showering daily and
for most people; certain sexual practices require a good level of hygiene; and
dirty hands and fingernails spread germs when you are intimate.
Body hair: It might be natural, but most men do not like extraneous
one hundred percent of the time, you have to make an effort, especially if sex
is on the menu. Most women aren’t keen on nasal hair, ear hair and unruly
Clothing: It is not our job to tell you what to wear – there are plenty of
magazines for that! It is suffice to say that it is important to make an effort for
your partner at least some of the time. This goes for both men and women. We
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might not all have a natural flair for fashion, but anyone can be neatly and
appropriately dressed with a little bit of effort. Dress to suit your body shape.
If you don’t know how to, get some advice. Many large department stores offer
Too much effort: This used to be a female sin but, with the advent of the
modern metrosexual male, either sex can be guilty. Good grooming for a
special night out takes time, but it should not take so long that you are
Not enough effort: How long does it take to brush your hair, clean your
teeth, wash your face and put on a clean shirt? Five minutes. It’s a small job
sharing every aspect of your life. That is not true – your partner does not need
to see you clip your toenails (especially in bed!) or trim your nose hair. Some
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IDEALISATION
Most people have an idea of what relationships should be like, but very few
live up to this ideal. Our ideal relationship can be constructed from a number
of sources. These could be films, books and love songs, especially those that
describe love and passion in glowing terms or depict relationships that seem
celebrities or friends and family and decide that we want our relationship to
relationship that is loving and affectionate, you are likely to base your
course, but if you idealise relationships, you may start to think that your own
is less than perfect. It probably is, but that is true for all relationships.
Many adult children are unaware of the matter on which their parents
clashed or the arguments they have had, which means we have a very limited
understanding of what our parents relationship is or was like, or all the work,
you and your partner; they have reached an older lifecycle stage; your siblings
and you are probably all adults or at least older than your own children if you
have a family; and they may be more financially secure. It is also worth
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From the late 1960s until the early 1980s the divorce rate in the USA
and UK doubled every ten years, although in Ireland divorce was not
introduced until 1995. While increasing divorce rates meant its social stigma
meant that many people were willing to put up with less personal happiness or
prepared to work through the tough times. Today many of us regard divorce
as a suitable option for those personally frustrated or less fulfilled than they
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, your parents have had many
more years to iron out the kinks of living together. In doing so they have
endured financial hardship, personal grief through the loss of their own
parents, sacrificed their dreams and ambitions so that you could receive the
best things in life that they could offer you and also experienced profound and
fundamental shifts in the very nature of the society in which they lived. It is
more than likely that you and your partner may have to endure similar
changes and challenges during your marriage. Being realistic about the rest of
your lives together may provide you with the necessary resilience and
fortitude to tide you through the tough times. The realism of our parents’ and
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LOVE ADDICTION
Love addiction can take two forms. Addicts are either consumed by an
impossible because they are constantly chasing the thrill of falling in love.
Fixated love addicts will deny or ignore a partner’s obvious flaws and
negative traits. They have difficulty separating the reality of their relationship
from their fantasy version of it. They also may be more concerned with their
partner’s looks, wealth or social status than his or her personality and
behaviour. These love addicts will forgive a partner who constantly cheats on
them, abuses their trust or mistreats them. They romanticise every aspect of
the relationship, even the arguments, and justify destructive behaviour. Love
addicts may also fear change and can find it impossible to get over a
The second type of love addict craves the rush of falling in love. When
we fall in love and have sex, chemical reactions takes place. These chemicals
cause us to feel excited, euphoric and connected with our partner. Love
addicts become bored once the chemical cocktail wears off and so they look
technology shows that the parts of the brain which respond to addiction are
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the same as those that respond to images of our partners. It seems possible,
then, that love addicts are dependent on the chemical aspect of love. They
crave the high their addiction gives them and it begins to take over their lives.
Like any other kind of addiction, love addiction can seriously interfere with
If any of the above sounds familiar, it is important that you take stock
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MARRIAGE BUSTERS
can happen at any time in a relationship. Even a couple who have been
happily married for thirty years can experience a crisis of this magnitude.
Marriage busters do not always spell the end of a relationship – some couples
manage to weather the storm, grow through the crisis, and deepen their
infertility is not a problem for which most of us plan. Most couples presume
that marriage will give them the right and ability to have babies. If a couple
has not discussed how they will proceed if their hoped for children do not
arrive, the discovery that one partner may not be able to have children can
cause great strain. Fertility treatments may not be possible or too expensive,
nor do they always work. Adoption is not an option for some people, and
damage. A husband or wife who blames their partner for not giving them a
child may decide to end the relationship and try again with somebody else.
What would you do if your mother needed constant round the clock
care? Should you take on the responsibility or send her to a nursing home?
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How best to handle this situation can cause a huge clash in a relationship. For
many of us, loyalty to our parents suggests we should take in a sick mother or
father, but if your partner is against the idea, accepts it with bad grace or
vetoes it, this can cause feelings of resentment and anger. If you and your
partner agree to approach a nursing home, feelings of guilt can gnaw at you.
Accepting another adult into the home can exert enormous pressure on
a family in terms of space, privacy and expense. If your mother clashes with
your partner, interferes in your relationship or spoils the children, this can
make home life unbearable. Your partner may feel that she has been asked to
sacrifice too much and that her needs and feelings are being ignored. This may
Couples may discuss what they would do if such a situation arose, but
once confronted with the situation, emotions play a big part in our response.
worse, older children are generally clever enough to recognise how best to use
this divide to their advantage. Once children become teenagers, they may
‘prove’ that one or other style of discipline was not successful. This can cause a
trouble. You may believe that your partner has been too authoritarian, while
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she accuses you of being overly indulgent, and both of you may blame the
other for children’s bad behaviour. This can manifest itself in contempt or lack
jeopardy. The straying partner may decide that being caught gives him or her
serious relationships problems. A couple that are unwilling to deal with these
that marriage busters can cause infidelity. The good news is that, with a
remorse and a sincere effort to forgive and forget, infidelity is not necessarily a
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certain negative behaviours are more corrosive to marital happiness than
partner. Most couples argue and have complaints from time to time. A
negative statement, with the underlying message that someone should change.
up the groceries and now we have nothing for dinner. I want to be able to rely
This same issue could be phrased as a criticism: “You said you’d get the
groceries, but you just couldn’t be bothered. I can’t trust you do anything. You
partner’s complaints may be valid. Defensive people are unable to admit that
they have flaws. When you are having an argument, agreeing with your
partner when you are in the wrong defuses tensions and makes a resolution
easier to achieve. Taking our argument about the groceries above, here is an
everything. You know how hard I work. You could have easily picked up the
isn’t the best, but I will try to do better in future. Maybe you could help by
Contempt: Contempt tells your partner that you have no respect for him or
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her. Sarcasm, disrespect and extreme criticism are all forms of contempt.
People who use contempt are unable to argue without belittling their partners.
Let us return to our couple arguing about the groceries: “I think saying
I don’t care about anyone else is unfair. When you criticize me like that, it
makes me angry and upset.” Here our forgetful partner does not resort to
contempt in the face of criticism. Contempt would look something like this: “I
don’t care? Give me a break! You’re so selfish, you wouldn’t know what caring
looked like. When was the last time you did anything for anyone except
to resolve the argument. If an argument is getting heated, you may feel that a
break is necessary. This is fine, but you should let your partner know. Say
something like: “This is getting too intense. I need a break. I’d like to go for a
walk and calm down before either of us says something we’ll regret. I’ll be
back in an hour and we can finish this then.” Stonewalling would be more like
Men are more likely to use stonewalling than women. In the face of
their partner’s anger, men may feel unable to respond, and therefore they
choose not to engage. This is rarely a good strategy because stonewalling adds
extra fire to an argument and makes the person on the receiving end
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ROMANCE
excitement and mystery associated with love, a love affair and, somewhat
experience. People have always fallen in love and studies have shown that the
argued that romance is a product of the modern world. As the West became
family, religion and class slipped away, to be replaced with a greater emphasis
complications ensue, and finally the pair are reunited. “The course of true love
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never did run smooth,” says Lysander in Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s
Dream and this idea still informs most of stories we regard as romantic today.
Austen’s Pride and Prejudice topped the poll; with Jane Eyre, Gone with the
and its real-life counterpart. With the exception of Pride and Prejudice, which
is a comedy, the novels explore a dark romantic terrain: Jane flees the would-
be bigamist Rochester, only to be reunited after he has been blinded and lost a
hand; Scarlett pines for Ashley, driving Rhett, her husband, away, who leaves
her with the classic line “My dear, I don’t give a damn”; Rebecca’s romantic
hero has shot and killed his first wife; and finally Cathy is separated from
Heathcliff because she marries the wealthy Edgar and dies regretting her
actions.
As you can see, these books are all female authors, but the propensity
for disaster, loss and death in romantic stories is not confined to female
writers alone. In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet the young lovers commit
suicide; and in one the highest-grossing films of all time, 1997’s Titanic, which
Jack saves the life of Kate Winslet’s Rose, only to die of hypothermia. It’s
rather odd when you think about it – what is romantic in fiction would be a
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terrible tragedy in real life.
have decreed that roses are romantic while a far more practical gift, such as a
parsley plant, is not; the city of Paris is romantic, and despite being equally
historic and offering a huge range of candlelit restaurants poor old London is
not; jewellery is romantic, electronic gadgets are not – at least for most
scientists have found evidence that the parts of the brain at work when we’re
in love are different from those that govern sexual attraction. According to the
special someone. Fisher believes that people have three separate emotion-
motivation systems: one for mating, a second for reproduction and a third for
parenting. These are lust, attraction and attachment or love respectively. Lust
kicks off the whole thing, attraction helps us chose a specific partner, and love
is supposed to keep the show on the road, at least until the children are old
enough to fend for themselves. Fisher says romantic love is a part of the
attraction motivation system, not an emotion itself, and is distinct from the
sex drive. She believes romance allows us to focus our energies on one person
at a time, facilitating the greater likelihood that we will settle down and have
children.
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these forces, for most of us romance is a very important part of our
relationships, and that lack of it can lead to great unhappiness, loneliness and
Are you a fan of romantic comedies? If so, they could be ruining your love life.
coms’ often fail to communicate with their partners because they believe that
if two people are meant to be together, their partners will know what they
want without having to be told. Real life is not like the movies and even the
The researchers studied forty top ten box office hits from 1995 to 2005
and that, although we know that the films are not true to life, we are more
volunteers watched a film by David Lynch. Quizzed afterwards, those who had
capture the excitement of new relationships but they also wrongly suggest
that trust and committed love exist from the moment people meet, whereas
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Romance in the Real World
Women are more romantic than men, right? Well, not always. Men, especially
Anglo-Saxon men, are often unfairly deemed unromantic, but that could be
Hertfordshire in Britain, carried out a study of 3,500 women and 3,000 men
from around the world to find out what the sexes regard as romantic. The
men were given a list of possible actions and asked how romantic they
thought women would perceive these. The women were given the same list
and asked how romantic they found each gesture. Wiseman found that the
behaviour is not the result of laziness or lack of caring – they just don’t know
Many men believe that grand gestures are romantic, and while women
do enjoy them – particularly on Valentine’s Day – they also enjoy the little
gestures that show that their partner is thinking about them. Romance can be
any act that demonstrates enthusiasm for your partner. It can be a big or
small gesture, but as most couples’ therapists note, the little things are often
far more important to long-term happiness. These are the everyday actions
that show your partner that you care – taking the children off your partner’s
couple, or even just pitching in more with the housework. They may not
sound like much, but these gestures are far more beneficial than expensive
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gifts for Valentine’s Day, birthdays and Christmas. Interestingly a study by the
the housework equally are happier and frequently have more sex too. The
wives reported more sexual interest in, and affection towards, husbands who
were willing to help out. Of course, it may be the other way around – that
couples that are affectionate, romantic and sexual on a regular basis are more
It is worth remembering that for many men, having sex and being
romantic are the same thing – having sex is a physical way of telling their
wives or partners that they love them – while for most women, romance
should ideally happen before sex. Luckily, it is easy to bring a little bit of
romance into your daily life. A proper kiss in the morning, a text message to
tell your partner you love him or her, a cup of coffee in bed, or even the simple
act of stroking your partner’s hair all tell your loved one that you care. Not all
couples can afford holidays or special weekends away, but everyone can
maintain the romantic aspects of their relationship with small gestures. This
partner flowers once a week is a lovely idea, but if it is done because you fear
taking out the rubbish for collection. Wonderful meals in restaurants are a
mainstay of romance, but if you take your partner out for expensive meals
once a month to make up for never spending time with her, this gesture will
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soon be seen as a bribe.
couple who had been engaged for a few months. Angelo declared that he was,
in his own words, “very romantic” because he took his partner to the best
restaurants twice a week. At this, Bettina shot him a filthy look and asked
In his fiancée’s estimation, Angelo may have been generous with expensive
In the last few decades, children have become the centre of family life
in a way that was unthinkable for previous generations. Parents have become
answer, but for long-term happiness couples have to see themselves as lovers,
not just parents. The care and attention once lavished on a partner is often
directed towards children, leaving no time or energy for romance. With the
many strains and stresses on parents, it is easy to let romance and sexual
satisfaction take a backseat, and couples are often surprised to find that sex
and romance don’t happen ‘spontaneously’ the way they did during the first
It might not sound romantic, but it’s important for couples to schedule
romance into their lives. Lack of romance can leave a couple feeling
dissatisfied with their relationship. After all, the romantic evenings you had
together while dating weren’t as unplanned as you think they were. Dates
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were arranged, restaurants chosen, flowers bought, outfits and lingerie were
worn, all in an effort to woo your partner and there’s no reason to stop doing
this simply because you now have two children and a mortgage. It is essential
without the interference of little ones – get the babysitter, send the kids to the
Richard Wiseman’s study, discussed above, asked 3,500 women to rate the
romantic value of different actions. The women in the study decided that the
following ten gestures were the most romantic. The percentage shows the
number of women who assigned the maximum marks on the romance scale to
each gesture.
4) Tell her that she is most wonderful woman you have ever met – 25%
5) Run her a relaxing bath after she has had a bad day at work – 22%
6) Send her a romantic text or email, or leave a note around the house –
22%
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Romance, Men & Money
Although men may not be very good at scoring the value of romantic gestures,
they are more likely to spend large sums of money on romance. Valentine’s
Day is big business – a 2008 report found that over £1 billion was spent on
spend more than their partners. American men spend nearly twice as much as
2008, and despite the global recession, America’s National Retail Federation
other way around. That is not to say that men do not appreciate romantic
gestures – most do – but very few are on the receiving end of them.
However, when asked how many had arranged a romantic surprise for their
five women had done so! Women may grumble, but it seems that sometimes
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Making Romance Last
over time. There are good reasons for this. If we were constantly in a height of
romantic and sexual passion, we would not be able to deal with the
Most therapists will tell couples that in order to keep romance strong
other for granted. All these are important. However, in her book Why We
dopamine – the chemical most associated with romantic love. This does not
mean you have to take up extreme sports or risky hobbies; a fairground ride
or a scary film could work just as well and any novel activity, even visiting a
reward too soon or too easily, dopamine production falls off, while a delay
stimulates it. Time apart from your loved one makes you appreciate the time
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We all know that sexual intimacy can create romantic bonds, and there
is a neurological reason for this too – after orgasm, the brain releases
chemicals pumping.
depressants can lower libido and cause emotional blunting. This means that
your ability to experience the chemistry of love can be affected. If you are
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CASE STUDIES
effect pattern. Some do, but when a relationship reaches a crisis, generally
there are a number of issues at play; it is not always possible to say that one
the problems – instead, they may decide to protect themselves by laying the
blame elsewhere. To show how this works, we have included a number of case
Maureen and Andy were in their thirties. They had been married for five years
and had two children. Maureen was a stay-at-home mother, while Andy
Stated problem: Maureen and Andy felt that the romance had gone out of
with her role as a stay-at-home mother. She wanted to work outside the home
as well as look after the children. Maureen’s desire to look for paid
and he worried that the children and the home would be neglected; secondly,
Maureen believed that, after being at home for so many years, she would find
it difficult to fit into a work environment and that she would have trouble
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children, but Andy was almost completely uninvolved in his children’s lives.
Andy’s mother had stayed at home. Like his father, Andy firmly believed that a
mother’s work was looking after the home. Maureen’s parents had divorced
when she was a child – growing up, she was much closer to her mother than to
her father. Furthermore, Maureen and Andy were not physically affectionate
to one another.
Solution: Both Maureen and Andy needed a change of attitude. This was
achieved by consultation, therapy work with the couple, and some practical,
hands-on experiences. Firstly, meeting a family similar to his own, but where
the mother worked outside the home, challenged Andy’s traditional beliefs.
Seeing how this family got on, and that both the husband and wife split
household chores and child-minding duties made Andy realise that, with
effort from both partners, children from dual-income homes are just as well
looked after and loved as children from more traditional family set-ups. Andy
was also set the task of doing all the household chores so he would have a
to work for a day in a crowded market. At first Maureen was hesitant, but after
a few hours she relaxed and began to enjoy herself. This gave Maureen the
confidence that she would be able to deal with the interpersonal challenges of
work.
Once these issues had been resolved, it was time to tackle a deeper
problem in the family – Andy’s distant relationship with his children. Andy
never spent time with them alone, and if Maureen needed time away from the
children, her mother took over the childcare duties. In consultation, Maureen
realised that she had been excluding Andy from their children’s lives and that
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she had not seen Andy’s role as a father as particularly important. Since she
had not been close to her own father, Maureen saw she was repeating her
parents’ pattern and that her mother’s experience of divorce had influenced
beliefs had held him back from breaking through Maureen’s exclusion and
that this too had prevented him from creating real relationships with his
children. Once the couple saw how they had each contributed to the issue,
Finally, the couple got to grips with their original problem – the lack of
romance in their relationship. Maureen and Andy both acknowledged that the
lack of romance, compliments and physical affection was not the problem
itself, but a result of their other problems. To help rekindle a more physically
affectionate relationship, both Maureen and Andy agreed to play their parts.
Maureen had a makeover to remind Andy that she was more than just a
mother – she was a woman and a lover as well. Andy took over all the
Aftermath: In consultation several weeks later, the couple said that they had
been able to apply a new understanding of each other to their daily lives. In
the intervening weeks, Maureen had found a part-time job and was enjoying
after the children. The couple seemed happier, more relaxed and their body
language was more positive, affectionate and flirtatious. Both Maureen and
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Breakdown: As you can see from this case study, a number of different
Maureen and Andy followed patterns that they had learnt from their own
families. Most of us do this and, in this case, it led to a parenting style that
excluded Andy from parenting. Secondly, Maureen’s frustration with her role
feels this way, but Maureen felt undervalued and unappreciated as ‘just’ a
the workplace. Thirdly, as the sole caregiver and housekeeper Maureen was
constantly busy. This left the couple very little time together. Andy realized
that, in addition to helping with the children and chores, time together was
more important than a spotlessly clean house. Finally, this new understanding
of each other, plus a little effort to dress up and spend time together as a
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KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU:
We all think that we know our partners really well, but how well is that
exactly? You may know how your partner feels about children or that they had
a crush on their English teacher in school, but it’s amazing how much
Answer these questions for yourself and for your partner. Once you have done
it, swap answer sheets and give your partner two points for each correct
answer, but subtract a point for every wrong or half correct answer.
12. Name an important event in my life and how I felt about it.
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16. What would I consider to be my ideal job?
20. What would be the first thing I’d buy if I won the lottery?
The point of this exercise is not to get a great score (although, well done if you
did); it is to stimulate sharing. Consider your partner’s answers. How well did
you know what your partner would answer? If you didn’t know many of his or
her answers, why is that? Did your memory fail you? Or have you both been
holding out telling each other about your past, family life and your innermost
better we know one another, the more likely we are to let daily concerns, such
partners as well as we think. The point of this exercise, and of our book, is to
make you consider the many unknown factors that influence who you are and
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CHAPTER BREAKDOWN
INTRODUCTION
A to Z TOPIC LIST
Adolescence Boundaries
Affection Bullying
Ageing Careers
Alcohol Change
Assertiveness Co-Habitation
Attraction Communication
Autonomy Compatibility
Bedroom Compromise
Bisexuality Conflict
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Consumerism Emotions
Creativity Engagement
Crises Environment
Cross-Complaining Ethnicity
Crush Fairytales
Cuddling Family
Decision-Making Fantasy
Denial Femininity
Dishonesty Flooding
Dismissiveness Forgiveness
Divorce Friendship
Dreams Gender
Dysfunction Genes
Ego Genograms
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Grooming & Hygiene Lifecycle Stages
Guilt Loneliness
Happiness Love
Health Manipulation
Honeymoon Masculinity
Humour Masturbation
Hysterectomy Memories
Idealisation Menopause
Individuation Mothers
Infidelity Mystery
In-Laws Neglect
Intimacy Obesity
Kissing Orgasm
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Patriarchy Sensuality
Power Shame
Regression Stereotyping
Rejection STIs
Remarriage Suicide
Retirement Systems
Rituals Television
Role-playing Testosterone
Romance Therapy
Self Unemployment
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‘Upgrading’ Your Partner Weight Gain & Weight Loss
Vasectomy X Chromosome
Viagra X-Partners
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