Conquering

a sense of
inferiority
by Dorothy Rowe
2

Paul always thought of himself as the little guy up against the big guys.
Actually, he wasn’t little at all, but one memory from his early childhood
had fixed in his mind his idea that he was small and weak. He was four
years old, and he and his father were having a shower together. His
father’s voice was booming over his head, telling him not to be silly, the
water wasn’t cold, and there was his father’s massive body next to him.
He looked down at himself and knew he’d never be the man his father
was. Other men could be as strong and powerful as his father was, but
he never could.

Chrissie felt like a little girl always looking, wistfully, through a window
pane, watching the world go by. Wonderful people were out there doing
wonderful things, but she was so plain, untalented and uninteresting
that there was no place for her in that world. These wonderful people
were the people her mother called ‘they’. ‘They’ were the important
people, the rich and famous, the politicians, lawyers, doctors, actors,
celebrities, the neighbours who had good jobs and lived in better houses
than Chrissie’s family did. Not that ‘they’ ever noticed Chrissie, but if
‘they’ did ‘they’ would know that Chrissie never measured up to what
‘they’ wanted.

Paul and Chrissie always felt that they were inferior.

Feeling inferior is a horrible feeling. No one is born inferior. It's

just a set of ideas that you’ve acquired in childhood. As these
are simply ideas, you are free to change them.
 3

What does it mean if we feel inferior?

When we feel inferior, we see other people as being somehow larger
and better than us. They are more vibrant, colourful, talented and
successful than we can ever be. We long to be like them, but we tell
ourselves that we can’t. When we think about this, a horrible feeling
wells up in us; a feeling of despair, disgust, envy and longing. We are
sure that other people look down on us and see us as weak, unattractive
and despicable. Then, an intense feeling of shame rolls over us. We
wish the earth would open up and swallow us and, at the same time,
we fear that it will. We’ll be gone, finished, vanished, and no one will
remember that we ever existed.

Even as we feel this, we also feel angry. Why should others have so
much and we have nothing? We find that we can distract ourselves
from the shame of being inferior by concentrating on our resentment
of others. So we swing between shame and resentment, and in
neither state are we happy.

Why does this matter so much?

Whether we feel inferior, superior, or just plain ordinary determines what
we do in life. Suppose we read that the Royal Opera House is going to
sell some tickets for its productions at just ten pounds. If we feel inferior
we’ll think, ‘I’d love to go, but I couldn’t be there with all those posh
people. They’d look down on me and I’d feel terrible.’ If we feel superior
we’ll think, ‘I’m not going to be seen in a cheap seat. If I can’t afford
a good seat, I won’t go.’ If we know we’re just ordinary we’ll think,
‘That’s a great offer. When can we go?’
4

How we feel about ourselves also determines our big life choices – the
work we decide to do, the relationships we make, and how happy or
secure we feel. If we value ourselves, when life goes well we feel happy
and secure, and when life goes badly we assure ourselves that we’ll be
able to cope. If we don’t value ourselves, we never feel happy and secure,
even when everything goes well in our life.

Paul
Paul had always wanted to be a professional footballer. He had been
one of his school’s best players, but his father made fun of his efforts
and Paul lost heart. Not knowing what to do with his life, he studied
accountancy but, even though he earned good money, he hated his
job. He coached a junior football team but, whenever he encountered
a young lad with real football ability, Paul felt very sad.

Chrissie
Chrissie became an assistant in a chemist’s shop and dreamed of meeting
Mr Right. What did turn up was Harry, whom her mother liked because
he was steady; steady to the point of being immobile. Chrissie felt that
she’d better settle for what was on offer because the kind of man she
wanted wouldn’t want her.

Both Paul and Chrissie believed that they were born inferior and would
be inferior until the day they died.

Where do these feelings come from?

Most small boys feel overawed by their father’s size and power but, at
the same time, they feel protected by them. When they reach the same
size, they no longer feel in awe. They see their father as an ordinary chap;
a bit old, but ordinary.
 5

Paul
However, Paul’s father didn’t use his size and strength to protect Paul.
Instead he used it to punish Paul and to make fun of him. Even when
Paul was old enough to look his father in the eye, and strong enough
to beat him in a fight, he was still afraid of him. Paul dared not even
raise his voice to his father, and just the tone of a simple question like,
‘And what have you been doing today?’ made Paul curl up inside. Paul’s
mother always fussed over Paul, making sure he was well fed and healthy,
but she was frightened of her husband, so she never protected Paul
from his father’s harsh words and blows. Paul was angry with both his
parents, but he didn’t express it. Never daring to stand up to his father
confirmed his feeling of inferiority. He didn’t want his mother to stop
looking after him, so he expressed his anger towards her by being sullen
and resentful. Paul envied those boys who took jobs away from home
and had exciting careers, but he felt tied to his parents. He’d tell himself
he could leave home and get a great job but, even as he thought this,
he knew he wouldn’t.

Like Chrissie’s mother, many parents worry about what ‘they’ might think,
but will use phrases such as, ‘What will your grandparents (or aunt,
uncle, teacher, neighbour, police or school friends) think?’ to encourage
their children to do well with the talents they undoubtedly have.

Chrissie
Chrissie’s mother didn’t think that Chrissie had any talents. How could
she? Chrissie’s mother thought that she herself was inferior, and therefore
her daughter must be inferior too. She was scared that Chrissie might
draw attention to herself in a way that reflected badly on her, or would
remind her of her own lost opportunities, so she put a stop to anything
that Chrissie might shine at. When Chrissie, a good dancer, wanted
lessons, her mother wouldn’t pay for them. So Chrissie told herself that
she didn’t want them because only snobby kids went to dancing lessons.
She stopped practising her dance steps in her bedroom and, instead, spent
her evenings watching television with her mother.
6

All babies are born with boundless unselfconscious self-confidence. They

aren’t born feeling inferior or superior. They’re just themselves. They’re
also born interested in the people around them. They watch what
these people say and do, and draw their own conclusions about what
they experience.

If their parents show them that they see themselves as not being as
good as other people, small children are likely to conclude that they
must be inferior too. If parents tell their children that they are not as
valuable or talented as other children are, their children, like Paul and
Chrissie, conclude that this must be so. Even when parents value their
children, other life experiences, such as doing less well in school than
others, encountering discrimination through racism or disability, being
poor or living as a refugee, can create or worsen feelings of inferiority.

When we are small children, the conclusions we draw from our

experiences take on the quality of absolute truths. We have no
understanding of why our parents see themselves as they do, or why
people treat us as they do. Moreover, our experiences as a child are
first-time and unique, and so the conclusions we draw from them have
a strength and power that later conclusions might not have. Our parents
and other adults show us that they see us as inferior. We assume that
we are born that way and can’t change. However, feeling inferior is
simply an idea, a conclusion we’ve drawn from our experiences. We
can choose to change it.

Paul and Chrissie had heard about books and classes where people learnt
how to become self-confident, but they were sure that this didn’t apply
to them. They were absolutely certain that they were inferior to other
people. Everything they encountered in society told them that this was so.
 7

What are these negative messages?

Our society tells us that some people are superior and that everybody
else is inferior. Many people take these messages to be an accurate
description of what the world is like. But, if we’re wise, we know that
there’s a motive behind these messages, which has nothing to do with
our wellbeing and everything to do with one part of society maintaining
its power, prestige and wealth.

Take, for instance, the class system. Some people try to argue that class
no longer matters in the UK today, but that’s nonsense. We’re all very
aware of when a person has a title in front of his name, or talks with
a particular accent, or went to a particular school. Many upper and middle
class people are greatly troubled by feelings of inferiority, but that’s not
how other people see them. They’re seen as being superior because they
belong to a certain class. Many working class people see themselves
as the equal of anyone else but, unless they’ve acquired the accent of
the educated classes and keep the details of their background secret,
they’re likely to be discriminated against by those who pride themselves
on their birth and accent.

Some churches are structured with a similar hierarchy, where those at

the top are deemed not only to be superior people but also to have a
direct line to God. You may be very devout, but those who claim to
share your beliefs may treat you as being very inferior.

Many people believe that, if you don’t have a good job and lots of money,
you’re nothing, and so much of what we see appears to confirm this
view. Businessmen and financiers who have made themselves immense
fortunes by dubious means can receive public honours. Bosses who’ve
failed to do their job properly pay themselves huge salaries, and rich
people who’ve broken the law use their wealth to avoid going to jail.
8

We are surrounded by adverts, which tell us that we are inferior if we

don’t own their products. They add to this whopping lie by showing us
that to be really superior we have to be young, vibrant, attractive and
successful, both in our work and in bed. Similarly, the cult of celebrity,
by which people may be famous simply for being famous, tells us the
same thing.

Why are we given these messages? It’s so that those people who are
enjoying power, prestige and wealth can continue to do so. We’re lied
to in order to keep us believing that we’re inferior. Although these
messages have nothing whatsoever to do with our true worth, we
may take them to heart and feel even more inferior. But then a certain
passionate, primitive pride comes surging to the surface. How dare other
people have so much more! It’s not fair!

What effect does this have?

All of us feel angry and resentful occasionally. It’s when anger and
resentment come to dominate our thinking that we get into difficulties.
We feel very, very angry. We want to smash the people who’ve got
everything, but keep our anger inside us, where it turns to destructive
envy and endless, bitter, smouldering resentment. We can’t resolve this
anger, envy and resentment because we daren’t show those people who
treated us badly what we actually feel. Instead, we turn our anger, envy
and resentment against the people we feel able to regard as being
inferior to us.

Paul
Paul blamed his mother for making him feel weak and inferior. All her
fussing – that’s what had ruined him. When he saw other mothers fussing
over their sons, he’d be so angry he couldn’t bring himself to speak to
them. He was attracted to women, but he couldn’t help feeling that
women were stupid and dangerous. His first marriage ended disastrously
and his second marriage was rapidly going the same way.
 9

Chrissie
At school, Chrissie had barely noticed that some of her fellow students
came from Caribbean or Bangladeshi families but, at home, she’d hear
her mother complaining about what the council did for 'the Blacks and
the Pakis’, which they didn’t do for her. However, after Chrissie had given
up her dreams of being a dancer, she found that if she listened to her
mother’s complaints, and added a few of her own, she felt better, as if
in some way she’d got her own back. What Chrissie didn’t notice was
that she was becoming very frightened of strangers.

What can happen if we feel inferior?

When we see ourselves as being inferior to other people, we become
frightened of other people, because we fear that when they realise how
inferior we are they will be unkind to us and reject us. Being frightened
of other people means that we daren’t get close to other people and
really get to know them. This means that we’re always lonely. When
we see ourselves as being inferior, we become wrapped up in ourselves,
worrying about how we look and what we do or say, and so we’re often
not aware of what concerns other people have. This, and our fear of
other people, leads us to make some bad mistakes with other people,
who are then hurt by us or feel that we don’t like them. Feeling inferior
means that our relationships are always going wrong.

When we tell ourselves that, even though we are inferior, we are not so
inferior as some other people, we can’t get to know that these supposedly
inferior people are really just like everybody else. We see them as strange
and dangerous and, when we encounter them in the ordinary way, we
are too nervous to act with confidence. We can end up feeling foolish,
and believing the supposedly inferior person is laughing at us.

When we do something well, we can’t take pleasure in our achievement

but instead feel that, had we not been inferior, we could have done better.
10

We are always in danger of blaming ourselves for any disaster that may
befall us. Thus it’s very easy for us to turn the natural sadness, which
follows a disaster, into the prison of depression.

Why do we hang on to this misery?

Whenever we do something that causes us nothing but pain, we try never
to do that thing again. However, suppose you have a mother who is
quite cold and rejecting. As a small child, you accidentally put your hand
in the fire and suddenly your mother is there, holding you, comforting
you, giving you all the love and attention you’d been longing for. If,
when you’ve recovered from the burn, your mother again ignores you,
might you not be tempted to have another accident which, painful as
it may be, will give you the reward you long for?

It’s the hidden reward within the pain that keeps people persisting in
doing something that they know is harming them. This is why people
will go on believing that they are inferior, even though this belief brings
them so much pain. There are advantages to holding this belief, and
people won’t give these up, despite their unhappiness.

What are the advantages?

• You never lose any competition because you never enter any. Thus you
avoid much tension and possible disappointment.
• When you talk about how inferior you are, your friends rush to tell
you that you’re wrong; you’re a wonderful person; you shouldn’t
underestimate yourself, and so on.
• When you tell your friends how incompetent you are, they then do the
things that you don’t want to do for yourself.
• You tell yourself that you can’t take responsibility for important things,
because you’re inferior. Other people do that.
 11

• When other people take responsibility you can blame them when things
don’t turn out the way you think they should. Whatever happens, it’s
not your fault.
• You envy those you see as being better than you, and when these
‘betters’ fall from grace, you can feel very joyful. It’s what they deserve.
Tabloid newspapers give you many opportunities to feel this joy in
another person’s discomfort.
• You can protect yourself from the pain of feeling pity for people who
suffer, by telling yourself that people, especially the people you see
as your inferiors, deserve the punishment they’ve got. So you don’t have
to worry about people who are hungry, or ill, or have been forced from
their homes by starvation and war.
• When you see family or friends enjoying advantages you lack, you can
make them feel uncomfortable by talking about ‘poor me, lucky you’
whenever you meet.
• You can tell yourself that, if other people hadn’t forced you to be
inferior, you would have been one of the most superior people in the
world. By remaining inferior, you never have to put this to the test.

How can I change?

In one way, thinking that you’re inferior will ensure that you are inferior,
because it stops you from being the person you are; a person with the
talents, feelings, hopes, joys and sadness that everyone has.

We all need to understand that no one is superior, no one is inferior,

everybody is ordinary. Some of us were lucky enough to be born in a
peaceful country or to parents who got along well with one another,
but, no matter what material advantages anyone has, no one escapes
the pain of living. We all suffer disappointment, loss, heartache, separation,
failure and death. We all have to try to cope with life as best we can.
Envying others only makes our own life worse.
12

The advantages of seeing yourself as being inferior can be very seductive,

because they can give an immediate reward. The big question is, are
you prepared to give up these advantages? You will need to:
• Recall incidents from your childhood where you drew the conclusion
that you were inferior. Look at this incident now, with an adult eye, and
see that the incident did not prove that you were inferior.
• Be responsible for yourself. We have little control over much of what
happens to us, but we have total control over how we interpret what
happens to us. Always try to create interpretations that don’t make
your life worse, in the long term, and that can add to your contentment
and satisfaction.
• Have a little mantra to say to yourself whenever you feel your
self-confidence slipping; something along the lines of, ‘I’m all right,
I’m okay’.
• When you’re confronted by some Terribly Important Person and you feel
a bit daunted, imagine what he looks like when he gets out of bed
in the morning, or what she looks like in curlers and face mask. One
way or another, we’re all ridiculous and we’re all important.

Paul and Chrissie wasted their lives by feeling inferior. Don’t you do
the same.

References
Guide to life Dorothy Rowe (HarperCollins)
Depression: the way out of your prison (3rd ed.) Dorothy Rowe
(Brunner-Routledge)
Useful organisations 13

Mind
Mind is the leading mental health organisation in England and Wales,
providing a unique range of services through its local associations, to
enable people with experience of mental distress to have a better quality
of life. For more information about any mental health issues, including
details of your nearest local Mind association, contact the Mind website:
www.mind.org.uk or MindinfoLine on 0845 766 0163

British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive

Psychotherapies (BABCP)
The Globe Centre, PO Box 9, Accrington BB5 0XB
tel. 01254 875 277, fax: 01254 239 114
email: babcp@babcp.com web: www.babcp.com
Cogitive behaviour therapy helps people identify and change their
unhelpful thinking and behaviour. BABCP publishes a full directory of
registered psychotherapists

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP)

BACP House, 35–37 Albert Street, Rugby CV21 2SG
tel. 0870 443 5252, fax: 0870 443 5161, minicom: 0870 443 5162
email: bacp@bacp.co.uk web: www.bacp.co.uk
Counselling and psychotherapy help people explore their distress.
See BACP's website or send an A5 SAE for details of local practitioners

United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP)

167–169 Great Portland Street, London W1W 5PF
tel. 020 7436 3002, fax: 020 7436 3013
email: ukcp@psychotherapy.org.uk web: www.psychotherapy.org.uk
Psychotherapy helps people to explore difficult, and often painful,
emotions and experiences. UKCP is an umbrella organisation, which
publishes a regional list of psychotherapists
14 Further reading

Conquering fear D. Rowe (Mind 2003) £1

Depression: the way out of your prison (3rd ed.) D. Rowe
(Brunner-Routledge 2003) £9.99
Heal the hurt: how to forgive and move on A. Macaskill
(Sheldon Press 2002) £6.99
How to accept yourself Dr W. Dryden (Sheldon Press 1999) £6.99
How to assert yourself (Mind 2003) £1
How to cope with loneliness (Mind 2004) £1
How to cope with relationship problems (Mind 2003) £1
How to improve your mental wellbeing (Mind 2004) £1
How to increase your self-esteem (Mind 2003) £1
How to stop worrying (Mind 2004) £1
How to survive family life (Mind 2004) £1
How to survive mid-life crisis (Mind 2004) £1
Making sense of cognitive behaviour therapy (Mind 2004) £3.50
Making sense of counselling (Mind 2004) £3.50
Making sense of herbal remedies (Mind 2004) £3.50
Making sense of homeopathy (Mind 2004) £3.50
Making sense of psychotherapy and psychoanalysis (Mind 2004) £3.50
The Mind guide to managing stress (Mind 2003) £1
The Mind guide to massage (Mind 2004) £1
The Mind guide to physical activity (Mind 2004) £1
The Mind guide to relaxation (Mind 2004) £1
The Mind guide to yoga (Mind 2004) £1
Overcoming low self-esteem: a self-help guide using cognitive behavioural
techniques M. Fennell (Robinson 1999) £7.99
Relaxation: exercises and inspirations for wellbeing Dr. S. Brewer
(DBP 2003) £4.99
Sunbathing in the rain: a cheerful book about depression G. Lewis
(Flamingo 2003) £7.99
Understanding anxiety (Mind 2003) £1
Understanding depression (Mind 2004) £1
 Order form 15

For a catalogue of publications from Mind, send an A4 SAE to the

address below.

If you would like to order any of the titles listed here, please
photocopy or tear out these pages, and indicate in the appropriate
boxes the number of each title that you require.

Please add 10 per cent for postage and packing, and enclose
a cheque for the whole amount, payable to Mind. Return your
completed order form together with your cheque to:

Mind Publications
15–19 Broadway
London E15 4BQ
tel. 020 8221 9666
fax: 020 8534 6399
email: publications@mind.org.uk
web: www.mind.org.uk
(Allow 28 days for delivery.)

Please send me the titles marked opposite. I enclose a cheque

(including 10 per cent for p&p) payable to Mind for £

Name

Address

Postcode

Tel.
Mind works for a better life for everyone with
experience of mental distress
Mind does this by:
• advancing the views, needs and ambitions of people with
experience of mental distress
• promoting inclusion through challenging discrimination
• influencing policy through campaigning and education
• inspiring the development of quality services which reflect expressed need
and diversity
• achieving equal civil and legal rights through campaigning and education.

The values and principles which underpin Mind’s work are:

autonomy, equality, knowledge, participation and respect.

For details of your nearest Mind association and of local services contact Mind’s helpline,
MindinfoLine: 0845 766 0163 Monday to Friday 9.15am to 5.15pm. Speech-impaired or
Deaf enquirers can contact us on the same number (if you are using BT Textdirect, add the
prefix 18001). For interpretation, MindinfoLine has access to 100 languages via Language Line.

Scottish Association for Mental Health tel. 0141 568 7000

Northern Ireland Association for Mental Health tel. 028 9032 8474

This booklet was written by Dorothy Rowe

© Mind 2004.

ISBN 1-903567-59-9
No reproduction without permission
Mind is a registered charity No. 219830

Mind (National Association for Mental Health)

15-19 Broadway
London E15 4BQ
tel: 020 8519 2122
fax: 020 8522 1725
web: www.mind.org.uk