This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Andrew Knox 8759 12th Ave NW Seattle, WA, 98117 (206)218-5480 firstname.lastname@example.org
Version 1.1 (5/29/07) Copyright 2006-2007 Fugiware WGAw Registered #
INT. PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - MORNING A man is is sleeping head down on a desk. up and tries to wake him. GREG Good morning, Mr. President. PRESIDENT Mrrrrmphh. GREG Rise and shine Mr. President. PRESIDENT Whadda fuck? GREG Time to get up an’ at ’em, Mr. President. Oh, wait, I’m sorry, Mr. president-elect. PRESIDENT Who in the hell are you? GREG I’m your campaign MANAGER, Greg. PRESIDENT What? GREG Oh, dear, you don’t recall anything, do you? PRESIDENT Nah, last I recall, I was strapped to a wall, reviewing a pair of crappy-ass nike’s, then I blacked out. Fucking migraine, man. GREG Mr. President! We’re live! front of the whole world. PRESIDENT Oh, sorry. GREG Could you at least tone down the swearing, sir? For the children? In Another man comes
PRESIDENT Yes, sir. GREG Alright, now is there anything you’d like to promise to the world? He takes a second to think. Hi, mom! ROLL CREDITS: Black Screen, BG music is ’Freedom’ by RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE. FADE IN: Fish Out Of Water... Roll the opening credits. FADE OUT: INT. PRESIDENT’S HALLWAY - MORNING Greg is talking to a woman. GREG I really don’t like this guy. He has no respect for the process. No respect for the last three hundred years of our nations history! ADRIANNA So, what’re ya gonna do bout him? GREG I’m not sure yet. ADRIANNA We could always have him... y’know... (She gestures ’shooting herself in the head’.) GREG Well... ADRIANNA I’ll go kill ’em right now, if ya want. Then he says excitedly...
PRESIDENT Hey, look I’m on TV!
3. She pulls out her gun. ADRIANNA (cont’d) No witnesses. GREG No! Not yet, we need to plan this shit. ADRIANNA Alright! She puts her gun back in her holster. GREG I got it! In a month, there’s the inauguration. I’ll have him built up as the most popular president ever by then and then you pop him as he does his speech. Bam! Martyr in a can, baby! ADRIANNA Sounds good, I gotta plan, too. GREG Fair’s fair. INT. PRESIDENT’S INAUGURATION - DAY The President is backstage at his inauguration. PRESIDENT Are you sure that I shouldn’t be wearing body armor or something? GREG I’ve been informed that security is so tight, that they could catch a bullet in midair, Mr. President. Now wave to them! PRESIDENT But, I hate all of these people, I just wanted to be left alone. GREG Just wave... He starts flipping people in the crowd off indiscriminately off.
PRESIDENT Fuck you, fuck you, quad fuck you. GREG Oh, great. The crowd doesn’t care, they cheer louder. PRESIDENT Is Adrianna in the crowd? GREG What’s that? PRESIDENT Is Adrianna in the crowd? GREG I believe so. PRESIDENT Where? GREG Uh... PRESIDENT Where is she at? GREG Third row. PRESIDENT So I look over there to see her? GREG Yes, Mr. President. PRESIDENT Great. EXT. NEAR THE STAGE - DAY A reporter is on location. TV GUY Well, in the tradition of the Union Broadcasting System’s standards of excellence in current events reporting, we are proud to present the inauguration of this nation’s 45th president. (MORE)
TV GUY (cont’d) His popularity no doubt due to his campaign manager/chief of staff, Greg Halstead, who has been engineering the president’s campaign since the start. EXT. ROOFTOPS - DAY Adrianna is setting up a sniper rifle, then she checks on the clips inside her submachine guns. TV GUY (VO) And now for the musical act... EXT. ONSTAGE - DAY MUSICIAN (to be introduced later) is starting to play. Split screen in two, left (’Real World’) and right(’Perfect World’), label at bottom of screen. In Perfect world, everything is blue, except the sky is green and Musician can play guitar well. Normal Musician can’t play guitar. MUSICIAN (L) Jingle Bells... MUSICIAN (R) Elle me coupe en rondelles MUSICIAN (L) Jingle Bells... MUSICIAN (R) Me coupe en rondelles (My boogy!) MUSICIAN (L) Uh. Jingle Bells... MUSICIAN (R) You’re a slave to the system working jobs that you hate for that shit you don’t need. MUSICIAN (L) Jingle Bells... MUSICIAN (R) I can’t spend my hype (My boogy!)
MUSICIAN (L) Jingle Bells... MUSICIAN (R) I can’t spend the hype (My boogy!) MUSICIAN (L) Jingle all the way. Aw... fuck it! (Exit, stage right) MUSICIAN (R) She cuts me into circles And the knife is dull. Fade back in to real world. EXT. BACKSTAGE - DAY Greg is checking up on things backstage briefly, Inauguration will start soon. Everybody is in a rush. EXT. NEAR THE STAGE - DAY TV GUY Well, it looks like he’s about to start, so we’ll reserve commentary until the end. EXT. SPEECH PODIUM - DAY The president begins to speak. PRESIDENT To start out, you people are all idiots. EXT. BACKSTAGE - DAY Greg is watching President make his speech. GREG Oh great. PRESIDENT (OC) I don’t remember any part of my campaign, or my real name, Musician has left stage.
EXT. SPEECH PODIUM - DAY PRESIDENT All I can remember is that I was a cranky, lonely old man, and I was perfectly content with it. EXT. BACKSTAGE - DAY GREG Sonuvabitch! He’s adlibbing! didn’t write this for him! Sonuvabitch! EXT. SPEECH PODIUM - DAY PRESIDENT I do remember that this country used to be great. Social security, affordable healthcare, Kraft Dinner by the bucket. EXT. BACKSTAGE - DAY STAGEHAND Does anybody have a fuckin’ clue what he’s talkin’ about? Greg pulls out his cell phone and makes a call via speed dial. Screen splits between Greg (left) and Adrianna (right). Adrianna’s sniper rifle is put together and she is double checking it. President continues to improv/ramble comically in BG. GREG Adrianna? ADRIANNA Yeah? GREG We need to move it up, do it ASAP! ADRIANNA Why? I thought you said wait till he gets sworn in, for symbolism? GREG Yeah, but he’s rambling. Letting loose. We can’t let him unravel (MORE) We
GREG (cont’d) everything we’ve worked for! Oh and aim for the head, more guts, better ratings. ADRIANNA I signed up for an honest month’s work, and now I gotta do this shit! GREG Just pop him, I’m out. He hangs up. EXT. ROOFTOPS - DAY ADRIANNA locks and loads her rifle. Then she takes aim at President. View switches to the rifle sight. He’s in the cross hairs. EXT. SPEECH PODIUM - DAY President is talking to a crowd. PRESIDENT Dammit! I hated my job, but I went to it because I thought about that one kid in China, the one you’ve heard about, The one who spends all day making Nikes, and if he’s not fast enough then they whip ’em. Part of the reason I wear Converse actually! PRESIDENT looks right in to the camera, smiles and puts both thumbs up. Seconds later, he is knocked off of his feet by several sniper shots to the chest. EXT. NEAR THE STAGE - DAY The crowd is silent for a second, then panic breaks out and they start to stampede. TV GUY Oh my god! The president has been shot! The president has been put down! He’s down, I can’t say anything else, he’s dead!
9. EXT. SPEECH PODIUM - DAY President lies there in a pool of blood, camera hovering above. The camera floats up into the sky, and then the screen goes black. PRESIDENT (VO) Damn, that hurt. INT. NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT The 24-hour news network parody, UBSCN has it’s ’Breaking News’ Bumper. VN UBS Cable News, if you aren’t informed, you’re not angry. We like it that way. Now, Rafaela Margullez. MARGULLEZ Hello, now to our top story. In keeping with UBSCN’s policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts, and in living color, you are going to see another first: the assassination of a president. A video of the assassination plays starting at when PRESIDENT smiles and thumbs ups the camera and ending when he is in a pool of blood, repeating several times, while MARGULLEZ narrates. MARGULLEZ (VO) A bright star, snuffed out. A chance to return to global dominance, put down. Yes, ladies and gents... the president is dead, please return your welfare checks. Cuts back to the studio. manager. MARGULLEZ is talking to the studio
MARGULLEZ Anything left to talk about in this filler? What, oh, yes, and we’re back. Heh, that video was shorter than I thought. Oh and now this guy is president: Greg, uh, who gives a crap. A candid picture of GREG appears up in the corner.
10. MARGULLEZ (cont’d) Coming up after the break, we have a, how long was it again? 20 minutes? Yeah, uh, a twenty minute long interview Colin Powell and Madeleine Albright who are here to discuss their latest studio album, ’Renegades in the Senate’ and the pressures of constant touring on their creative partnership. As the video trails off to a commercial, ’COLIN POWELL’ COLIN POWELL I hadn’t the foggiest how much pressure is on a stage performer. I thought I was playing to an empty hall when I was talkin’ all that shit up about Iraq at the UN, You shoulda seen our show last week in Winnipeg! Dammit! We were both Secretaries of State! At least there should people tryin’ ta get advice or an autograph, or somthin’! During his last sentence the screen fades to black. At the bottom of the screen, titles read: ’28 days earlier’. INT. PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - MORNING Hi, mom! PRESIDENT Hey, look I’m on TV!
GREG Alright, turn off the cameras. CAMERAMAN They’re out... now. PRESIDENT Alright, can you tell me what’s going on? GREG You’re president... of a nation. PRESIDENT What? When did I campaign? Where the hell have I been for the last six months?
11. GREG The elections have been reworked since last time, since all the times before. Now it’s more like American Idol. PRESIDENT You gotta be shittin’ me! GREG Actually it is exactly like American Idol. PRESIDENT I feel a flash back comin’ on! INT. AMERICAN PRESIDENT STUDIO - DAY A Ryan Seacrest-ish anchor welcomes the audience back. BRYAN Hello America, Welcome back to another night of American President! Audience applauds. BRYAN I’m Bryan Shorecrest, and the votes are in, all counted, and we are down to the final two, two of our contestants will go home with nothing but secret service guards, the other two will move on for the show’s ultimate prize, a guaranteed day job for at least four years, gee, I wish I had one of those. Well, let’s have a recap of last night’s speeches. THADD Uhh.... pisshaw! Taxes suck! Vote Thadd Spurlokk! Yeah! CONTESTANT 1 Ten movies streaming across that, that internet, and what happens to your own personal internet? I just the other day got...an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o’clock in the morning on Friday, I got it yesterday. Why? [...] They want to deliver vast amounts of (MORE)
CONTESTANT 1 (cont’d) information over the Internet. And again, the Internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a big truck. It’s a series of tubes. And if you don’t understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it’s going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material. PRESIDENT Why the fuck am I here!!! CONTESTANT 2 Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country, also... Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. BRYAN Alright, and now for an inside look at what the contestants have to go through before appearing on your TV... INT. PRACTICE STAGE - DAY
As a contestant does his bit, title his name at bottom of screen. PRESIDENT is titled as ’Uh... that guy’. JAKSON I am not a crook. WHIMPERVILLE I’m not a crook! DEXTER I’m not a crook.
13. BETSURO I’m not a cracker! GEORGE Heh heh, what are we doing? DQUON What if I is a crook, ya wanna fight, bitch? THADD I ain’t not a crook, man, peace. Peace. PEPPER Hare Hare, Krishna Krishna! PRESIDENT Can somebody tell me what’s fucking going on? Someone offstage hits him with a whip PRESIDENT (cont’d) Owww... that hurted, motherfucka. THADD Ohhh... Man, I just thought, what if I’m actually a crook? Man, is hashish legal yet? PEPPER (to Thadd) It’s fine with me. INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY All the contestants are standing in a group while a drill instructor yells at them. DRILLER Ladies! Do I have to remind you what is at stake if the singing senators whip us at the D.C. Annual Talent show, this year? EVERYONE Sir, no sir! DRILLER Alright, then ladies, let’s start again at the top!
14. EVERYONE (On The Good Ship Lollipop by Shirley Temple) Some day I’m going to fly. I’ll be a pilot too. And when I do, how would you Like to be my crew... On the good ship lollipop. Its a sweet trip to a candy shop Where bon-bons play On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay. DRILLER Much better, ladies. from the top! Now, again
INT. AMERICAN PRESIDENT STUDIO - DAY BRYAN Heh heh. We’re back, and now for the results, telephoned in from across the land. It looks like Ted and George tied for 3rd with a million votes each... with Thadd getting a whopping 250 million votes, clearly looking like the winner of this contest. Oh, and the other guy got 5 million. The audience goes nuts, THADD gets redfaced and lets out a loud Dean Scream. PRESIDENT has a WTF face on. The crowd goes silent. COMMENTATOR 1 Well, that certainly can wreck Thadd’s chances at winning. COMMENTATOR 2 You said it! Thadd’s more of a charisma based candidate, I mean contestant... and that scream symbolizes that he has lost all of that. COMMENTATOR 1 Lost what? COMMENTATOR 2 Charisma! COMMENTATOR 1 Alright, before we take a commercial break, let’s replay that career ruining vocalization.
The Dean Scream is played repeatedly as Thadd walks off the stage crying and the audience booing. INT. PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - MORNING PRESIDENT I don’t remember that at all. GREG Really? PRESIDENT I musta blocked it out. GREG Pity. PRESIDENT Alright, but whadda fuck goin’ on? GREG Mr. President, you’re in a professional environment, incessant swearing will do nothing positive for your cause. PRESIDENT How’re you gonna show me this sing and dance voting shit and then tell me my position has X prestige! I’d think that’d make it Y prestige! GREG X and Y prestige? PRESIDENT I was really good at algebra, nothin’ else. GREG Fine, let’s introduce you to your chief of security, Adrianna Morteson. PRESIDENT You hired some little bitch to protect me? What if she has to tackle some guy, or take a bullet? It might go through her and still get me!
ADRIANNA (OC) Little bitch? Adrianna is behind him, she hits him in the back with a palm strike, he falls on the ground. ADRIANNA You the lil’ bitch! PRESIDENT looks smitten. PRESIDENT I like you. ADRIANNA Yeah, well, get up, chop chop, self defense training starts... INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY Adrianna and President are in a gym. ADRIANNA Now! President throws a two-punch kick combo at Adrianna, who blocks it easily. Nice try. ADRIANNA (cont’d) Again.
PRESIDENT So... uh... you got a boyfriend, or something? ADRIANNA Nope. PRESIDENT Need one? We’ll see. What? ADRIANNA Punch-kick combo? ADRIANNA Again. PRESIDENT
PRESIDENT Oh, yeah, that. INT. DEBATE HALL - NIGHT PRESIDENT is standing at a podium, there is a podium on the other side of the room. Text at the bottom of the screen says: ’2 days later’. GREG comes over. GREG Alright, your opponent is almost here. PRESIDENT Can you tell me why I have to do a debate after I’ve already been elected? The people have already chosen! GREG Bad scheduling, that’s all I can tell ya. Oh, we got a new opponent. Why? PRESIDENT What happened to Thadd? Too
GREG He put his head in his oven. ashamed to go on. PRESIDENT He killed himself?
GREG No, he forgot that he had an electric oven as opposed to a gas one and chickened out halfway through. PRESIDENT Is he alright? GREG Did you think it was possible for him to get a deeper tan? PRESIDENT No.
GREG Then, it’ll blow your little mind. PRESIDENT That’s too bad... Byaaah! GREG Heh. I can’t wait till that joke gets stale. PRESIDENT Meh... so, uh, who’s my new opponent. GREG We got someone a lot more intellectual than Thadd. We got the chicken that can play chess. STAGEHAND Mic check... 1,2,1,2. Every line that President says in this scene from now on is mic’d and loud. PRESIDENT I have to debate a mothefuckin’ chicken? You motherfuckers are out of your fuckin’ heads. How’m I supposed ta debate a chicken? GREG (Whispering) Your mic is on, real loud. PRESIDENT Whaddya mean my fucking mic is on? Oh. All the people in the audience are shocked and staring at PRESIDENT. PRESIDENT (cont’d) What? Did you expect something better from me? Some guy in the audience stands up and yells. YELLER Not really! The audience makes noises of agreement. Moments pass.
MODERATOR Alright, we’re ready to start, everybody settle down. The audience gets quiet. PRESIDENT stands at one podium, CHICKEN stands on the top of another. MODERATOR Mr. President, you go first, topic: Abortion. PRESIDENT Uhhh... oh, thank you for moderating, sir. Abortion, hmmm. The chicken tilts his head and looks at PRESIDENT. PRESIDENT (cont’d) Well, abortion. Yeah, oh! I, unlike my opponent over there, The chicken clucks. PRESIDENT (cont’d) believe that abortion is a difficult and divisive topic. When does life really begin? Nobody really knows. If they claim to, then they are hacks. On one side, it removes the burden of an unplanned or unwanted child, which can drain heavily on a person’s economic resources. The chicken clucks. On the other hand, what if that child, no matter the cost, grew up to cure cancer, or invented a box that continuously spewed twenty dollar bills into the air? I know I could use one of those. Well, now I guess my opponent needs a rebuttal. This is asinine. The chicken clucks a lot, when it is done the MODERATOR moves on. MODERATOR Very good, both of you.
PRESIDENT Oh, I get it now, you guys are comparing my intelligence to a chicken, eh? MODERATOR No, thats not it. PRESIDENT Damn right! I’ve just been shanghaied into this job, drink in moderation they said! I shoulda listened! Security. MODERATOR Security!
The security guy comes up and President punches him down. Another guy comes up behind him and puts him in a head lock. As President struggles to escape, a man comes up and injects him in the arm with a syringe of purple liquid. He calms down and returns to the podium. MODERATOR (cont’d) Alright. Let’s start a new round. The topic: Taxes. Mr. President, you first. Heh heh. PRESIDENT Taxes.
PRESIDENT starts laughing hysterically. MODERATOR A note for the audience at home, The President has been injected with a opiate liquid combo to calm his outbursts. As a result, his answers may be disjointed, or without logic and he may appear loopy. Thank you for your patience. Please begin now. PRESIDENT Alright! Split screen between ’real’(R) and ’hallucination’(H). PRESIDENT (R) Taxes, heh heh.
PRESIDENT (H) I believe that when we have a surplus, which we have right now. PRESIDENT (R) Hah Hah. Taxes! Hah hah hah! PRESIDENT (H) And a balanced budget, like we have right now. President (R) is laughing hysterically. PRESIDENT (H) (cont’d) That’s why I’m gonna start a program of rebates starting with the poorest of poor and move up gradually, reducing the rebate as people get richer. President (R) falls on the ground laughing, the chicken jumps off the platform. PRESIDENT (H) (cont’d) The first family will get, say, 100,000 dollars this year, maybe more next year. President (R) still laughing, the chicken starts pecking at him. PRESIDENT (H) (cont’d) It’ll move up the ladder until Joe Suburbs gets enough to put down a down payment on a Minivan or something. President (R)’s laughter turns into screams of fear as the chicken prods him. PRESIDENT (R) Aaaaah! Snakes! Snakes! Help me, somebody, please! Get these motherfuckin’ snakes offa my plane! Snakes! INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT GREG, PRESIDENT and MUSICIAN are in a hotel room many floors above the streets.
MUSICIAN It’s Sublime, never doin’ no time. GREG Don’t cry kid. PRESIDENT I lost a debate to a chicken. fucking chicken! MUSICIAN Let it burn, wanna let it burn, wanna gonna let it burn. PRESIDENT Get that bitch outta here. GREG Get out, he needs some peace and quiet. MUSICIAN exits room. PRESIDENT A fucking chicken! Y’know how dumb that makes me look. GREG Look, at least you lost because of drug induced psychosis. PRESIDENT Is that supposed to make me feel better? GREG Well, the last guy, the last president, lost to the chicken by points, you lost by disability. Compared to the last guy, the chicken was a master wordsmith. PRESIDENT I’m on top of the world. Musician comes back into the room. MUSICIAN The results are in. American eyes, American eyes, view the whole world through American eyes, A
GREG Alright, gimme! MUSICIAN Bury the past, rob us blind, leave nothing behind! Musician exits room again. GREG Well, people thought that the chicken was stronger on the issues, and had more charisma, and is more generally charming. PRESIDENT Is there any good news? GREG People sense a underdog mentality in you. And everybody loves the come from behind win, so you still have a chance. PRESIDENT How many times do I have to say it! I’ve already been elected, this debate doesn’t matter! That damn chicken will be dinner in a month or less, and I will be sitting in a big fucking fancy office! GREG That’s right, don’t let this one loss get to you, it’s only the first of three, you can still win this! PRESIDENT Is everybody in this nation retarded? GREG No, just you. PRESIDENT Whazzat? Nevermind. tomorrow. GREG You have to prepare for
PRESIDENT What’s happening? I’m gonna go in front of the UN, right? Right. right? GREG Ya remember what to do,
PRESIDENT Yeah, go out on to the floor, address the assembly, then pick a fight with a random delegation. Right. Greg exits. INT. HOTEL HALL - NIGHT Musician comes up to Greg in the hall. MUSICIAN Hey Greg, man. Wanna know something? What! GREG What is it? GREG Okay, get to sleep.
MUSICIAN I can play Jingle Bells on guitar now! GREG Great. MUSICIAN Can I show ya? GREG We gotta get up early tomorrow... MUSICIAN Please, Greg? Five minutes! GREG Five minutes? MUSICIAN Five minutes.
GREG Air guitar it for me. MUSICIAN Uh... okay. (Starts to air guitar and vocalize ’Jingle Bells’.) Duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duh da duuh duh daa... GREG Alright, I’ve heard enough. MUSICIAN Yeah, ya think I could play at the Inauguration? GREG I dunno, maybe it’s a conflict of interest. MUSICIAN I’m only your cousin though, you can hide that, can’t you? GREG Alright, but you have ta practice day and night until then! GREG (cont’d) Thanks, man! INT. UN GENERAL ASSEMBLY - DAY PRESIDENT is about to address the UN General Assembly. PRESIDENT Good day, everybody. Uh, I’m the new President of America, and I’ve been told that I have to come out here and lie and spew shit all over you. To make you forget what ignorant pricks we’ve been and apologize, it’ll never happen again. We’ll that would be one of the biggest lies of all time. But on the other side of the coin, I could just tell you to kiss my ass, cause we’re still on the highway to hell, don’t make me pull over and come back there! (MORE)
PRESIDENT (cont’d) I’ve put some thought, not much, but some, into it. I’ve decided to take the middle ground, but in the most extravagant way possible. I’ll come out and say it right here. I’m just going to distract you. I’d like to start a coalition, a ’Coalition of the Waiting’. The goal: invade and occupy the Federal Republic of Germany! INT. NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT The 24-hour news network parody, UBSCN has it’s ’Breaking News’ Bumper. VN UBS Cable News, if you aren’t informed, you’re not angry. We like it that way. Now, Rafaela Margullez... MARGULLEZ The President-Elect gave a speech today before the UN general assembly, in which he demanded that the German Government be overthrown by a multi-national ’Coalition of the Waiting’. The Prime Minister of France later made a statement pledging his nation’s full military strength to the coalition. Cut to Prime Minister of France Video Clip PRIME MINISTER Puisque nous avons eu des nouvelles la première fois du président des Etats-Unis au sujet d’une chance de frapper à nos ennemis héréditaires, nous avons été faits frémir. TRANSLATOR Since we first heard from the United States President about a chance to strike at our ancestral enemies, we were thrilled.
27. PRIME MINISTER Je nous veux dire, dans la Première Guerre Mondiale, étais tout le sportif comme, TRANSLATOR I mean, in World War I, we were all sportsman like, PRIME MINISTER Mais dans le second, nous avons obtenu nos ânes remis à nous. TRANSLATOR But in the second one, we got our asses handed to us. PRIME MINISTER Et nous étions tous comme, merde ! Allons jambe ces baiseurs de mère! TRANSLATOR And we were all like, shit! Let’s go shank those motherfuckers! PRIME MINISTER Nous l’avons joué frais, attendu même après la guerre froide. Nous avons bouilli, maintenu la haine dans nos veines. TRANSLATOR We played it cool, waited even past the cold war. We boiled, kept the hatred in our veins. PRIME MINISTER Et maintenant, grâce au président, nous pouvons finalement avons laissé dehors notre fureur complète. TRANSLATOR And now, thanks to the President, we can finally let out our complete rage. PRIME MINISTER Oh et la chose que le président a déclarés au sujet de eux et leurs chèvres est vrai. Nous avons des photos d’intelligence.
TRANSLATOR Oh and the thing that the President said about them and their goats is true. We have intelligence photos. Cut back to studio MARGULLEZ The Chancellor of Germany responded with... Cut to Chancellor of Germany Video Clip. CHANCELLOR Die Unterstellung, daß Deutschland eine Drohung zur weltweiten Sicherheit aufwirft, ist albern. TRANSLATOR The insinuation that Germany poses a threat to worldwide safety is ludicrous. CHANCELLOR Die Unterstellung, daß die Deutschland Pläne, zum der Kernwaffen auf ihren Nachbarn zu benutzen gleichmäßig lächerlich ist. TRANSLATOR The insinuation that Germany plans to use nuclear weapons on her neighbors is equally ridiculous. CHANCELLOR Und die Unterstellung, daß ich ein transvestite Miniaturrapist bin, vollständig basiert nicht auf festem Beweis. TRANSLATOR And the insinuation that I am a transvestite midget rapist is completely not based on solid proof. CHANCELLOR Und die Sache über unsere Würste gut die ein niedriger Schlag war.
29. TRANSLATOR And the thing about our sausages, well, that was a low blow. Cut back to the studio. MARGULLEZ The new temporary White House press secretary, MC HeinaMizzle, answered questions posed by members of the press. Cut to White House press room. Introducing, HeinaMizzle, a stodgy, 65-year old bureaocrat straight out of the hood. HEINAMIZZLE Next question, bitches. Yeah, you.
PRESS Is the president actually related in anyway to Mrs. Leschi Harris? HEINAMIZZLE Who tha fuck is dat? I tole dat bitch if she don’t can it she’s as good as gatted! Yo, bro, I thought you was cool. How ya gonna come up here and switch it on a mothafucka? PRESS Flipmode is the greatest. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT PRESIDENT, GREG and ADRIANNA are watching the news report on UBSCN. ADRIANNA I can’t believe it. PRESIDENT Pretty cool, eh? ADRIANNA They didn’t even show a clip of you speaking. PRESIDENT Yeah, for some reason you can’t have cameras in that place anymore.
GREG You do realize that those people are taking you seriously, don’t you? Really? PRESIDENT I was just joking.
GREG Yeah, and you’re supposed to wait until the third year of your administration before starting bogus wars-for-profit. PRESIDENT Oh, damn. Well, should I go back out there and offer a retraction? An apology? GREG No, we’ll let it simmer for now. It looks like France will do most of the bullshitting for us anyway. PRESIDENT Okay, what’s on the schedule for tomorrow. GREG You’ve got a shift pancake serving at ’O’Flannagin’s’. PRESIDENT Is O’Flannagin’s the one thats better or worse than Denny’s? GREG Depends on location. Alright, ya gotta get to bed. I’ll be knocking at 5 AM. PRESIDENT Alright, goodnight. GREG Good night. ADRIANNA Nighty night. I’ll be by at three.
GREG What was that? ADRIANNA Nevermind. Greg and Adrianna exit the room. President flops down on the bed face down. He claps his hands and the lights go out. INT. TESTING ROOM - DAY PRESIDENT is velcro’d to the wall. A projector shoots light out onto a wall opposite from him. The wall has a video of a green pair of running shoes on a white background spinning 360 degrees. PRESIDENT Gaudy. The picture changes to a red version of the same. PRESIDENT (cont’d) Fugly. The picture changes to a yellow version of the same. PRESIDENT (cont’d) Totally gay, not that that’s a bad thing. The picture changes to a blue version of the same. PRESIDENT (cont’d) There’s a defect on this one. What? GOD (OC) Where? PRESIDENT Gotcha! GOD (OC) You, will learn. PRESIDENT starts to be electrocuted, then he jolts awake.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT It is a dark and stormy night, PRESIDENT is in bed he’s sits up right as a roll of thunder passes by. A bra hits him on the head and he starts to scream. ADRIANNA (OC) You’re jumpy. PRESIDENT makes sounds of amusement, shock and glee simultaneously. PRESIDENT Whoa! INT. O’FLANNAGIN’S PANCAKE PALACE DINING ROOM - DAY PRESIDENT is dressed in the waiter uniform for ’O’Flannagin’s Pancake Palace’, a restaurant similar to Denny’s. He is carrying and balancing several plates of breakfast food. PRESIDENT And heres yer’ order. CUSTOMER 1 Wait, wait, I ordered the Blueberry Hamma’ Slamma’ Bamma’ Jamma’, no cheese! PRESIDENT Sorry, I usually have a pornographic memory, everybody’s wearing mustaches and there is a low, repeating bass line. CUSTOMER 2 Hey, maybe you should be a comedian instead of a waiter. PRESIDENT I’m the President, my job is getting close to bein’ a joke. CUSTOMER 1 You just can’t elect good help these days.
INT. O’FLANNAGIN’S PANCAKE PALACE OFFICE - DAY PRESIDENT is sitting in the chair across the desk from the manager. He’s getting a talking to. MANAGER I don’t know what your problem with authority sprouts from, or your blatant lack of care for the customer, but neither are acceptable at this establishment! PRESIDENT Yes, sir. MANAGER It ain’t hard to understand, this ain’t Hitler’s Master Plan, what it takes to be a man. In my mind, in my brain, I roll it over like a steaming freight train, it ain’t hard to ascertain. PRESIDENT Yes, sir. Look at MANAGER with blurry sight, black and white. PRESIDENT is O.C. until return to normal MANAGER Blah blah blah, blueberries, mrrrunmsdfump, Electric Framistan. PRESIDENT Yes, sir. MANAGER Fiddly faddily floop, Rocky IV. Want some whiskey? PRESIDENT Yes, sir. Manager takes a big bottle of alcohol out from a drawer in the desk along with two ’Hard Rock Cafe: Shanghai’ shot glasses. He pours equal amounts of alcohol in to each glass. MANAGER Blah blah vacation with the wife blah blah dribble dribble, tax evasion, blah blah snarkey, grand larceny, blah blah assault with a (MORE)
MANAGER (cont’d) deadly weapon, it was a muffin! Blah blah it! PRESIDENT Yes, sir. President grabs his glass and shoots it down in one swig. MANAGER So I tell him that he can take the subpoena and stuff it up his blah blah blah. Running a used car dealership is a hard job, every once in a while I gotta blah blah blah, do a little blah. And so what if I stabbed a few hookers, 28 ain’t that much, right? Fuck the police, they’ll never find me! Blah blah blah. Do I make myself clear? PRESIDENT Yes, sir. Cue to return to normal. MANAGER Are you sure you understand me, boy? PRESIDENT Yes, sir. MANAGER Alright, get out there and take an order correctly. PRESIDENT Yes, sir. There is no movement in the room. MANAGER Go, now? PRESIDENT Yes, sir. PRESIDENT leaves room.
35. INT. NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT The 24-hour news network parody, UBSCN has it’s ’Breaking News’ Bumper. VN UBS Cable News, if you aren’t informed, you’re not angry. We like it that way. Now, Rafaela Margullez. MARGULLEZ Hello, now to our top story. It seems that the President, not even inaugurated yet, has invited a sex scandal into his administration. It seems that a Mrs. Leschi Harris of Las Vegas claims to be married to the wildly-popular but untested President, who will take office in less than three weeks. Mrs. Harris had this to say: Cut to video taped press conference. LESCHI It hurts that the man who I loved, and thought loved me back would just up and dissaperate for two years! This ring... She holds up her hand to show a cereal box prize ring. LESCHI This ring... it may not mean much to y’all, but to me it meant a promise, by that guy, that we’d be together in sickness and health. She puts her hand down. LESCHI (cont’d) Or something like that. Cut back to studio. Margullez is conversing with someone offstage and out of shot. MARGULLEZ That’s exactly what I told ya. What happens when you give rednecks camcorders. We’re live? Oh, dear. Well this was mainly due to a flurry of rumors regarding the (MORE)
36. MARGULLEZ (cont’d) possible romantic relationship between the President and his chief of security, Adrianna Morteson. Next, a segment from a town hall Q and A session that the president gave earlier today. INT. TOWN HALL - DAY PRESIDENT sits atop a tall stool, mic in hand. An audience of about thirty is there. A man comes on camera with a mic and addresses the audience. Subtitle PRESIDENT’s speech during this scene with a little ball that bounces on the words as he says them, like a Disney sing along video. MODERATOR Alright, everyone, now the rules for the contestant are that he must answer your questions in random song lyrics or receive a extremely painful electric shock. CROWD MEMBER #1 What’s your plan for tax reforms? PRESIDENT I’ll just sit and grin, the money will roll right in. CROWD MEMBER #2 What about the war? PRESIDENT Why stand on a silent platform? Fight the war, fuck the norm. CROWD MEMBER #3 What about that tramp you’ve been fooling around with? PRESIDENT Private question. Then PRESIDENT starts shaking like a string of firecrackers, electric sounds. PRESIDENT (cont’d) Carla the stripper! Straight from LA, put some clothes on and call me, let’s be pals one day!
37. CROWD MEMBER #4 Where were you last august? PRESIDENT Just stare, just stare, just stare, relive the nightmare. The classic flashback effect happens, like a ripple in a pond. when it reaches the apex, ripple back to normal. CROWD MEMBER #5 Do you get flashbacks often? PRESIDENT (see ’Lithium’ by Nirvana) Yeeaaaaaaaaaaahhh! EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT PRESIDENT walks alone with his hands in his pockets, no security personnel. Two men with black ski masks run up and put a bag over his head. They drag him into a car with the logo of the ’Really EVIL CORPORATION INC. LTD.’ on its door. Black screen. INT. CADILLAC CAR - NIGHT The bag is still on. Engine starts, wheels screech, car drives away from last scene. Words at bottom: ’Hours Pass.’ Bag removed. PRESIDENT looks out the window at the dark and creepy forest. KATIE sits next to him. They are both in the back seat with someone else driving. KATIE It won’t take long. We just need to take some pictures then we’ll... PRESIDENT folds up his arms and goes PRESIDENT Hmmph. KATIE Don’t be childish about this, we just need to have you dig a hole, then we’ll kill you.
PRESIDENT Hmmph. KATIE I don’t want you to hate me forever over this, your death will just be a new beginning. President sighs. KATIE (cont’d) Look... we’re almost there, and I’d like to see a smile on your face when we gun you down. He hesitates, looks around and then shoots a retarded grin accompanied by two flipped out middle fingers. KATIE (cont’d) C’mon man, be civil. Alright. paper? What for? PRESIDENT For a will? Oh, sure. Yeah. She hands him a ball point pen and a brown napkin. He scribbles something short onto the napkin using his knee as a hard surface. PRESIDENT Will you give this to my wife? KATIE That Vegas whore from the trailer park? PRESIDENT What are you talking about? KATIE Napkin okay? PRESIDENT PRESIDENT Can I have a pen and KATIE
39. KATIE Never mind, we’re here. Car stops. KATIE (cont’d) Get out. PRESIDENT Okay. EXT. EMPTY FIELD - NIGHT President is being walked out into the field by a masked gunman and KATIE. He trips on a root and falls. PRESIDENT (grunt of pain.) KATIE Oh my god. Are you okay? PRESIDENT (creatively uncommon expletive.) KATIE Are you okay? We can do this some other time if you want. PRESIDENT I think I broke my leg. GUNMAN Awww crap. Let’s get him to a hospital. We’ll just have to kill him when he’s well. PRESIDENT No, no, that would waste your time, just shoot me here. KATIE No. That would be undignified, we can wait until you’re ready. PRESIDENT You’re sure? It’s convenient for us all right now, I mean, you’d have to pick me up again and drive all the way back out here then I might trip again.
GUNMAN It’s alright man, no trouble. We’ll get you to the ER, soon. INT. HOSPITAL EXAMINATION ROOM Poking around with
A doctor examines President’s left leg. cues. DOCTOR Does it hurt here? PRESIDENT No. DOCTOR Here? PRESIDENT No. DOCTOR How’d you twist it this way anyway? Here?
PRESIDENT No. Fight club, don’t wanna talk about it. DOCTOR Heeeeeeere? PRESIDENT Nooooooooo. DOCTOR Here? PRESIDENT No! Noooooooooooooooooooooo! Ahhhhh!!! Fuck that doesn’t hurt! DOCTOR Cute. Well, Mr. President, I think you may just have sprained it mildly. Keep your weight off it, don’t play any sports and use an ace bandage.
PRESIDENT Thanks. EXT. OUTSIDE OF HOSPITAL PRESIDENT walks out to his limo outside the main hospital entrance. His driver rolls down the window to say... DRIVER What’s up? PRESIDENT Not much. The hospital bursts into flames in a giant explosion. DRIVER What the shit? Holy hell! PRESIDENT Bound to happen one day. A piece of metal crashes down loudly behind him. DRIVER Damn straight. PRESIDENT Let’s go get some drinks. DRIVER Damn straight. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT PRESIDENT enters to ADRIANNA and GREG having a toast of champagne. They are surprised. GREG You’re still alive? PRESIDENT What? ADRIANNA He said: ’You’re still alive?’ PRESIDENT Hah hah hah. You’re a funny man, grog. I wanna have your baby.
ADRIANNA He’s completely wasted. PRESIDENT Hey hey hey! The only person who tells me when I’ve had enough is me and Greg. That’s his job, right Greg? GREG I feel like that sometimes. PRESIDENT Greg? Greg? Space ship delta to commander Greg. Can you hear me? Greg? Come with me to candy mountain, Greg. Greg? GREG I can hear you. PRESIDENT That’s your job, right Greg? At this point, he stumbles in to the bathroom. GREG Yeah. ADRIANNA We should throw out these glasses, before he has any more. ADRIANNA grabs the other glass from GREG, opens the window and chucks both liquid then container out the window. Sounds of vomiting can be heard from the bathroom. EXT. HOTEL EXTERIOR - NIGHT A sunburned THADD waits for his car at the valet. He is splashed with champagne from the sky. He looks up and gets hit in the head with the glass. It bounces off and shatters on the ground next to him. Owww. THADD That hurted.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT ADRIANNA finishes disposing of the second glass and departs. From outside, can be heard: THADD (OC) I’m gonna get y’all. She joins GREG at the other end of the room who is listening to PRESIDENT in the bathroom. ADRIANNA What’s he doing? No! PRESIDENT (OC) You listen, you calm down.
GREG He’s arguing with his thumbs. I think. Either his thumbs or his kidneys. PRESIDENT (OC) Don’t make me come in there, I’ll whip your bean shaped asses. GREG Kidneys. It’s always thumbs or kidneys with him. ADRIANNA How’s he so conscious of something he can’t see? When I’m that shit-faced, I can hardly see my thumbs. PRESIDENT (OC) Don’t you talk back to me! GREG He always goes in the bathroom to argue with his body parts. ADRIANNA Why? GREG I guess he figures it’ll make him seem less crazy. PRESIDENT (OC) I made you and I can unmake you!
ADRIANNA At least he’s a fun drunk.
PRESIDENT comes out of the bathroom, walks past the other two and flops down on a bed. GREG Do you think he’s asleep? Answering, PRESIDENT snores disturbingly. ADRIANNA Yup. GREG Could you spend the night with him? ADRIANNA Alright. GREG We need him sobered up and hangover’ed-out by the afternoon. He’s gotta pitch for the Orioles tommorrow. View on PRESIDENT’s body from side, flopped down on bed. fade to black. EXT. PARK - PRESENT - NEAR DUSK A black screen, with text: ’Plug your small child’s ears now. Superfluous swearing dead ahead.’ Robert, a man dressed in a red suit is sitting at a bench reading a newspaper titled ’The Nine Rings Press’. President comes into the scene and sits down on the other side of Robert. PRESIDENT Hey, there’s some nice weather here today. ROBERT Who up there actually gives a flying fuck? PRESIDENT Have a bad day?
ROBERT You have no fucking idea... PRESIDENT Try me, my wife’s making meatloaf tonight, I have time to kill before it’s all gone. ROBERT Well, I gotta deal wit deez assholes all fuckin day. bust a cap in they asses.
PRESIDENT Tell me about it, I work in Human Resources. ROBERT Then god gets all up in my bizness, and I like, ’Bitch, step off!’ PRESIDENT Yeah, I feel like god is screwin me over sometimes. ROBERT You aint got no clue! Lass week, he be like, ’You betta learn yo’ place Bitch! I don’ wanna see yo skanky ass roun’ limbo no mo’!’ PRESIDENT Wait, you actually had a conversation with god? ROBERT Hellz yeah, when you be runnin’ hell, ya always be filin’ reports an’ shit! PRESIDENT Running what? Told ya, ROBERT I runs hell, bitch!
PRESIDENT What’s your name? ROBERT Beezle, Robert Beezle. muthafucka? Who you be,
PRESIDENT Uh... the President. ROBERT Aight. PRESIDENT I thought that Satan ran hell. ROBERT Oh, dammit! You don’ even know! I told muthafuckas to write this shit down! That little bitch been imposterin’! God still aint forgivin fo’ Jesus. PRESIDENT What about Jesus? ROBERT Well, I was wasted, y’know? PRESIDENT Yeah, and? ROBERT What? You be knockin my liquid stomach? You sayin’ you don’t think Robert fuckin’ Beezle can down three gallons of Heineken? Twenny bucks, muthafucka, let’s go! You buy the keg, I’ll empty it! Let’s go! PRESIDENT No, what about Jesus? ROBERT Oh yeah, so I was totally wasted, smashed. PRESIDENT Uh huh. ROBERT An’ I said to tha guy next ta me that it’d be hella funny to nail that peace loving mothafucka to a cross an’ celebrate his birfday fo’ tha next two millenia!
PRESIDENT What the fuck? ROBERT Hey, I was loaded, man. PRESIDENT Well what’d the other guy say? ROBERT Well, it turned out to be Mr. peace lovin’ mothafucka hisself, and he was even mo’ loaded than I. He tooked me seriously an’ he gets up on tha cross tha very next mornin’! PRESIDENT Whoa, that’s fucked up! ROBERT What’d you do diffrently in my sitiation? What? PRESIDENT Well, I dunno. Take a cab home? ROBERT Exactly! PRESIDENT So, uh, what’s hell like? ROBERT Carbon copy o’ Florida. Really? PRESIDENT How?
ROBERT It’s fuckin’ hot, everybody there is a rich, old shit bag, an’ they all bad at math. A black screen, with text: ’You can unplug their ears now, thank you for your cooperation.’ INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT PRESIDENT and ADRIANNA are in bed together with her spooning with him. He shakes awake due to his nightmare.
PRESIDENT Holy shit! ADRIANNA What’s going on. His terror and anxiety turn into joy when he discovers his great fortune. PRESIDENT (THOUGHT) Score! God, Beezle, please don’t be a dream. PRESIDENT Nothing. I thought I was having a bad dream, but it turned out to be the opposite. ADRIANNA That’s good. She goes back to sleep. He starts too.
PRESIDENT Thank you, Beezle. EXT. CAMDEN YARDS - NIGHT PRESIDENT is warming up for pitching. He’s pretty bad at it. The announcer’s voices are just in the background. ANNOUNCER 1 Welcome everyone to Camden Yards, home to the Baltimore Orioles. My name is Chuck, but for legal reasons, I have no last name. And joining me today is no stranger to the game, Alfred Giggina. Should we call you Al or Fred? ANNOUNCER 2 Screw you and your sister, Chuck! ANNOUNCER 1 Alrighty then. We’re about to get started with the opening game of the season, and up to pitch for the Orioles is the new President of the United States, what was his name again?
ANNOUNCER 2 Who gives a shit? ANNOUNCER 1 Not me. ANNOUNCER 2 Wait, the president’s supposed to throw out the opening ball of the closest team right? ANNOUNCER 1 That is tradition. ANNOUNCER 2 Then why don’t we have this guy at the Washington Senators game instead? ANNOUNCER 1 Well that would be redundant, Al. ANNOUNCER 2 It’s Fred, jackass. ANNOUNCER 1 As congress was dissolved a few years back. ANNOUNCER 2 Don’t remind me, I used to be a page. ANNOUNCER 1 So was I, Al, so was I. ANNOUNCER 2 It’s Fred, asshole. ANNOUNCER 1 Oh, and Al, he’s not just throwing out the first ball, with the decline of skill and the increase of drugs and injury, he’s been scheduled to pitch until at least the 5th inning. ANNOUNCER 2 That kid’s got too much quit in him to play ball that long.
ANNOUNCER 1 Couldn’t have said it better my self, Al. ANNOUNCER 2 I’m gonna kill you. INT. PRESS CONFERENCE ROOM PRESIDENT comes in to the press conference covered in bandages and a cast, looking quite tired and ragged. PRESIDENT Hello ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to announce that on Monday the 18th, My cabinet and I will outline a drastic new tax refund proposal. Any questions. All the press members are shocked by his appearance. PRESS What happened to you? PRESIDENT I decided to try on a new look, injured and pathetic, do you think it suits me? PRESS How long do you think you’ll be injured? PRESIDENT I was being sardonic. Only this cut here (points to left arm.) on my arm is real. PRESS Where’s your vice president? Who will replace you while you’re injured? PRESIDENT Are you all stupid? Who wants to know about my new economic plan? PRESS Which hospital are you staying at?
PRESIDENT I could be unleashing communism upon the nation and you bastards wouldn’t notice. Communism? Chinese? PRESS What color? Red or
PRESIDENT Oh, damn. Look, I’ll just start the speech now. If anybody cares, then leave. PRESS I have a flight back to New Jersey, is this gonna take long? PRESIDENT Yes, just leave. PRESS Okay. PRESIDENT Okay, uh... (Searches frantically for notes.) Damn, where are they? (Searches more frantically for notes.) Oh, never mind. The main concept was that I send out ten thousand dollar checks to every tax payer. If I had the notes, this would make a lot more sense. Well, that’s the gist of it. INT. OFFICE - DAY PRESIDENT and GREG go over numbers in a nondescript business office with two desks back to back. GREG Well, your poll numbers have improved. PRESIDENT Great.
GREG Last week, conservative war hawks were giving you the cold shoulder with 32 percent support, but due to your hard line stance with Germany, that’s gone up to 57 percent. PRESIDENT Okay. GREG 73 percent of Soccer Moms said that they could drink you under the table, but after the video of you arguing with your kidneys went on to the web, that went down to 44 percent. PRESIDENT I’m keepin’ them bastards in line. GREG You had virtually no support with independents and Libertarians but after the speech you gave yesterday, that’s up to 45 percent. PRESIDENT Wow, it worked. GREG Two of the members of Audioslave said that they’d buy you some weed. That’s now up to three members. PRESIDENT Score, call a meeting with them next week, about twenty minutes or so after four. GREG And your general approval rating is up to... PRESIDENT Drumroll... GREG 62 percent.
PRESIDENT Pretty good for a guy who hasn’t done shit yet! How’d we get so much better in only a week? GREG We fired the old poll guy. An aide bursts into the room to deliver important news. AIDE Mr. President!!! PRESIDENT What is it? AIDE We’ve invaded Germany! PRESIDENT Who authorized that? INT. NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT The 24-hour news network parody, UBSCN has it’s ’Breaking News’ Bumper. A clip of PRESIDENT speaking at the UN: PRESIDENT I’ve put some thought, not much, but some, into it. I’ve decided to take the middle ground, but in the most extravagant way possible. I’ll come out and say it right here. I’m just going to distract you. I’d like to start a coalition, a ’Coalition of the Waiting’. The goal: invade and occupy the Federal Republic of Germany! Cuts to VN UBS Cable News, if you aren’t informed, you’re not angry. We like it that way. Now, Rafaela Margullez... MARGULLEZ Good evening, our top story tonight is that only two weeks after a (MORE)
54. MARGULLEZ (cont’d) speech where he denounced Germany for apparently no reason, The PRESIDENT of the United States has led the nation and it’s allies in to another war. Show footage of World War II. MARGULLEZ (VO) We assume it looks something like this. Actually getting cameras in there would be expensive and dangerous. UBSCN news room, Margullez, as usual. MARGULLEZ I’ve just been informed that we have the USBCN resident historian, Stan Poindexter in the studio. Stan, what do we call this new conflict? When describing each war, show a map of Europe during each war. i.e. WW3 = A whole bunch of arrows pointed at Germany. POINDEXTER Well in World War One, it was Britain, France, Russia and USA against Austria, Ottomans and Germany. And in World War two, it was Britain, France, Russia and USA against Italy, Japan and Germany. This new conflict consists of USA, EU, UK, Japan, Russia, Italy, and the newly-reformed Ottoman Empire versus just Germany. Due to the past naming convention of World Wars requiring that Germany be a member of the bad guys, I am fully prepared to declare that World War three has broken out. MARGULLEZ Wait, wasn’t the cold war considered World War 3? POINDEXTER No, Germany was on both sides with that one, so it’s importance is nullified.
MARGULLEZ Like your dick? POINDEXTER Okay, that was uncalled for. INT. OFFICE - DAY Back to the office with PRESIDENT, GREG and AIDE. PRESIDENT Shit! I wasn’t being serious, it was just an empty threat! GREG That’s how half of all wars start. PRESIDENT What about the other half? GREG People who don’t like being threatened idly. PRESIDENT What am I gonna do? AIDE How about you just forget about it? PRESIDENT That’s the stupidest POS idea I’ve... GREG Actually, that might work. PRESIDENT What? GREG If someone at a press conference asks you a question about the war, then just stare ’em straight in the eyes and say: PRESIDENT Where the hell is Germany? knows this shit! No one
GREG Brilliant! Distance yourself from the concept entirely, don’t say a word about it, distract people with puppets! AIDE Heh, we should do this more often. GREG Why are you still here? AIDE I dunno, nothing better to do till he’s sworn in. Should I leave? PRESIDENT Do you want to keep your job? AIDE exits room. Nice kid. I concur. EXT. ORANGE FIELDS - AFTERNOON SCARHEAD, a latino fruit picker very similar in appearance and demeanor to SCARFACE from "Half Baked", is clocking out, suiting back up into normal clothes, walking down a road to: INT. JOE-SEPH’S DINE-ER - AFTERNOON SCARHEAD enters and takes a seat at the bar stools. SCARHEAD Yo, B. Gimme a Egg scramble an’ some Maui Wowwi on the side. DINER MAN Fa sho. CAMERA on a government-looking man sitting at a table to the camera’s right, call him MAN IN BLACK. Man in black picks up spoon and tosses it at Scarhead. CAMERA on Scarhead. Food arrives. PRESIDENT (cont’d) He’ll go far. GREG
SCARHEAD Oh, the chronic?
DINER MAN Here, Blueberry Yum Yum plus strawberry dumb dumb. SCARHEAD Aw yeah. Splashdown... spoon lands in eggs, big mess. Yo, man! Turns around. SCARHEAD (cont’d) Got a problem, pendeho? MAN IN BLACK Yeah, I do. FBI... Marijuana is illegal, Jose. SCARHEAD Fuck you pig, I ain’t got any weed. MAN IN BLACK What’s that in your hand, Jose? SCARHEAD Fuck, pig, my name ain’t Jose, B, it’s Scarhead. MAN IN BLACK What’s in your hand, Scarhat? SCARHEAD Scarhead, B! MAN IN BLACK The hand? SCARHEAD Oh... Oh fuck! Scarhead tries to eat the blunt, but nearly throws up in the process. MAN IN BLACK Let’s take a walk, I’m a reasonable, how you say? SCARHEAD (cont’d) What the fuck?
EXT. ORANGE FIELDS - AFTERNOON Scarhead and Man in Black are discussing things in the Orange Fields which Scarhead works at, a foreman comes out from the bushes. FOREMAN Dammit, Jose, what I tell ya about bringin your smoking buddies down to the fields after your shift? I got a right mind ta shoot you now. Firing is too much paperwork. SCARHEAD Damn, B! I told you, my name is Scarhead! MAN IN BLACK It’s alright, sir, I’m with the government. FOREMAN Which administration? MAN IN BLACK Reagan, sir. FOREMAN Alright then, you’ve got twenty minutes till sun down. Foreman leaves. MAN IN BLACK Damn, old people are gullible. SCARHEAD What’s that? MAN IN BLACK Young people too. SCARHEAD Okay, just wanted ta be... MAN IN BLACK Included? I understand. Say, do you want Kenny out of jail? Yo, B. SCARHEAD How you know about Kenny?
MAN IN BLACK Do you hate the man? SCARHEAD What bout Kenny? MAN IN BLACK You’ll see Kenny soon, if you take this... Man in Black hands Scarhead a generic 9MM pistol. MAN IN BLACK (cont’d) And do as I say. SCARHEAD Shit, this is heat, B! Man in black is walking away, towards a black sedan. MAN IN BLACK A motorcade will zoom through here in ten minutes. Unload your clip on the third car. You got it? SCARHEAD Yeah, B. MAN IN BLACK Sure? SCARHEAD Yeah. MAN IN BLACK Good. Man in black peels out and away. SCARHEAD Ay! When I’m gonna see Kenny? Better be damn soon. soon. EXT. BLACKNESS Sound Effects: Fast-approaching cars, 12 gun shots, brakes screech, several more gun shots, sounds of a struggle, jail doors open.
INT. JAIL CELL - DAY Scarhead tossed in to cell, hands cuffed, lays on ground. KENNY sits in bed. KENNY Sup, Scarhead? SCARHEAD Good ta see ya, Kenny. KENNY They caught you too? SCARHEAD Excellent, Scooby Doo. KENNY What ya do? SCARHEAD Well it had to be turning point two for someone. CAMERA moves out of the cell over to a guard’s break room where a TV is on. Zoom in to the TV, thus transitioning: INT. TV COMMERCIAL - DAY VN (OC) War in Europe. Old-style map of Europe with red and black spreading out from Germany. VN (OC) Terrorism from Mexico. Grainy video of Scarhead firing on the motorcade. VN (OC) A lack of Macaroni and Cheese. Protestors in front of a supermarket with picket signs demanding Kraft Dinner. VN (OC) (cont’d) With a world this fucked up, oh, shit, I can’t say fuck on TV. Well, anyway, you need to have a strong leader. (MORE)
VN (OC) (cont’d) Come the next election, in, uh, I guess four years, I think you know who to vote for. Show a picture of President serving pancakes. VN (OC) (cont’d) Dude, I am sooooo baked. INT. RESTAURANT - DAY Adrianna and Greg are sitting at the bar in an average city cafe. They are in the middle of a discussion. ADRIANNA So, I said to that nun, no, you move please! GREG Then what happened? ADRIANNA Well, like usual, I called the English language a scam, kicked her in the shin and ran away laughing hysterically. GREG I see. What happened with you and the president last night? ADRIANNA Well, it was a dark and stormy night... INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT President and Adrianna are in bed together. President jolts awake from a nightmare, Adrianna stirs as well. ADRIANNA What’s wrong? President turns on the light at the side of the bed. PRESIDENT I need to go for a drive.
ADRIANNA Well, I need to come with you. PRESIDENT No, you don’t. Yes, I do. Alright. INT. RESTAURANT - DAY Return to previous scene... Adrianna and Greg are sitting at the bar in an average city cafe. They are in the middle of a discussion. ADRIANNA And so we’re going down to his car... GREG Adrianna, can I ask you something? ADRIANNA It’s still a free country, right? GREG Yes. Adrianna, how much do you despise me? ADRIANNA An extraordinary amount... GREG I know I’m your, uh, employer and all, but, could we go get coffee, sometime? ADRIANNA What’s this then? (gestures to coffee cup.) Sex and a doughnut? GREG No, that’s not what I mean! ADRIANNA You want a date? ADRIANNA It’s the law. PRESIDENT
GREG Uh, yeah. ADRIANNA Sorry, I don’t swing that way. for your type. Not
GREG What about him then? Are you actually in love with him, or are you a professional? What motivates you? ADRIANNA I’m a callous, vicious individual, with a master’s degree in manipulation and a ph.D. in Pediatric medicine, do the math. GREG Why? ADRIANNA Cause I was always bad at math. Back to the story. INT. PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT President and Adrianna walk to the President’s car. ADRIANNA (OC) So we went to his car, They get in and speed out of the garage. ADRIANNA (OC) (cont’d) And we sped off into the night... INT. NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT The 24-hour news network parody, UBSCN has it’s ’Breaking News’ Bumper. MARGULLEZ Yes, it seems that earlier today, in a Florida 2nd grade class room, the President read a picture book called ’The Crude Adventures of Horseck and Migglemorph’. Do we have video? We have video.
INT. 2ND GRADE CLASSROOM - NOON President and about 20 second graders read a picture book. Disturbingly drawn pictures accompany each line of dialogue/ page. At the end of each dialog, flip to next page. PRESIDENT There once was a kitten named Horseck Jr., and he had a half brother who was a squirrel named Migglemorph. PRESIDENT (cont’d) They lived with their abusive, alcoholic step-father, Chuck, in a rundown cul-de-sac near the great Maple Syrup Forest in the land of Nog. PRESIDENT (cont’d) Their favorite activity was playing full-contact lacrosse in their step-father’s garden PRESIDENT (cont’d) But when they stepped on his sugar beets, which he used to make his favorite kind of gin, he would become angry and beat them severely. PRESIDENT (cont’d) After he beat them, he would send them to the convenience store to shoplift some gin as a replacement for the homebrew crop. PRESIDENT (cont’d) One day, Migglemorph, being a squirrel, decided to try a sip of this beverage which his step-father drank by the barrel. PRESIDENT (cont’d) "Migglemorph!" said Horseck, "If Chuck sees any missing gin, he’ll throw us into a burlap sack and drown us in the Green river, just like he did to Mama!"
PRESIDENT (cont’d) "Aww, shucks, Horseck..." replied Migglemorph, "You’re always trying to stop anything fun that’s not related to Lacrosse! Come on and just try a sip!" PRESIDENT (cont’d) Over the course of that afternoon, the two brothers got completely shitfaced and there was little more than an inch of liquor left in the bottle! PRESIDENT (cont’d) They had a jolly time, until Horseck remembered that their curfew was in only ten minutes and that their older brother Squiggleface had not been seen since he came in four minutes late. PRESIDENT (cont’d) "Harpy heck, gosh and golly gee, Migglemorph!" the cat exclaimed, "We have reached a new paradox." PRESIDENT (cont’d) "Why are you talking like that, you, uh, hmm, I’ve got a hundred and ninety six different kinds of oil cans, there isn’t a thing in here that wasn’t one time or another used on the Lincoln highway." The squirrel drunkenly stated. PRESIDENT (cont’d) "As I see it..." Migglemorph continued, "We have two options, we can kill him, chop his body up into steaks and flush his bones down the toilet..." PRESIDENT (cont’d) "Or, we can run away to the swamp of infinite dreams." President closes the book and concludes the scene by saying...
PRESIDENT (cont’d) Wow, that’s the best book I’ve read in a long time. Now what’s the moral of this story, kids? KIDS Don’t trust your stepfather? PRESIDENT Wrong! Dead wrong! Stealing is bad! You idiots! How hard was that to see? VN (OC) Now back to the film in progress... INT. PRESIDENT’S CAR - NIGHT President is driving, Adrianna is in the passenger seat. They get on the empty interstate and speed off towards the countryside. INT. CAFE - NOON PRESIDENT and ADRIANNA are talking at a table near the back of a Cafe with logos of the chain on cups, plates, spoons, everything not nailed down. Dialog in progress. PRESIDENT And then, I was pretty much done with camping. ADRIANNA Forever? PRESIDENT Well, it’s been, uh, I guess 19 years. Okay. then? ADRIANNA What have you done since
PRESIDENT Since then? ADRIANNA Yeah... the time in between?
PRESIDENT I don’t know... ADRIANNA You don’t know? PRESIDENT There’s just a black spot in my head up until, three weeks ago? ADRIANNA Nothing before that? PRESIDENT Well... one image... -President stares off into a wall. ADRIANNA What is it? PRESIDENT It’s a sneaker, or an image of a sneaker, projected on to the wall. It’s an old style one, a high top. - Hazy black and white sneaker in the background ADRIANNA What color? PRESIDENT It was green. There’s someone else. - Change from black and white to Green ADRIANNA Who? -Middle aged man in lab coat walks past sneaker. PRESIDENT I don’t know. A middle aged dude. In a white lab coat. This is weird. Scene interrupted by waiter, food delivered. 2 Standard eggs and bacon plates.
ADRIANNA Food’s here! PRESIDENT My vision is still here. ADRIANNA And so is your hashbrowns! - Image fades entirely. PRESIDENT Yeah, I guess. He reluctantly starts eating. Tastes the food more and begins chowing down uncontrollably. Adrianna notices that he’s going too fast. ADRIANNA Hey, slow down! Ya wanna choke? Yeah. PRESIDENT Ack!
President is choking. Adrianna does nothing, just watches as President chokes on potatoes. He falls on the floor, looks dead. She calls for the check. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT It was a dream. President wakes up with a jolt. The shower is on and comes to a stop suddenly. In a moment, Adrianna is toweled up and gets into bed. ADRIANNA The big day is only in a few hours. PRESIDENT Yeah, it is. ADRIANNA Nervous? PRESIDENT Of course. ADRIANNA Think you’ll make a good President? PRESIDENT Better than the last one.
ADRIANNA Alright, then get washed up. PRESIDENT And ready. If I was about to die, or dying, would you help me. Adrianna takes a shocked breath. Is he on to the plan?
PRESIDENT (cont’d) What would you do? ADRIANNA I... PRESIDENT Would you take a bullet for me? ADRIANNA If I wasn’t the one who shot it. End scene on a sudden note. INT. RESTAURANT - DAY Return again to the restaurant with Greg and Adrianna. GREG How’d he take that answer? ADRIANNA He was a bit disturbed by it, but I don’t think he suspects anything. But we went back to the hotel and got busy. GREG In what way? ADRIANNA What do you mean? Of course it was like a 11th grade boy vibrating in his desk during math class, eyes fixated on the girl of his fantasies. That kind of creepy way, you know. GREG Of course.
ADRIANNA So, it goes down tomorrow? GREG Of course. INT. LIMO - EARLY MORNING PRESIDENT sits alone in the back of a large, luxurious limousine. Depressed looking, he talks little. His dialog will be in voice-overs. Limo Driver will break in with dialog near the end. Show scenes as brief flashes. PRESIDENT(VO) All the times. -Show PRESIDENT, ADRIANNA and GREG walking somewhere. PRESIDENT(VO) (cont’d) All the good times. -Show Going Over Poll Numbers/Invasion of Germany scene PRESIDENT(VO) (cont’d) All the bad ones. -Show Mock Execution scene. PRESIDENT(VO) (cont’d) All the weird times. -Show Debating a Chicken scene. PRESIDENT(VO) (cont’d) All the times. -Show Jose’s Attempt scene, several of the Debate scenes and ’American President’ Game Show scene. LIMO DRIVER Mr. President, sir? PRESIDENT Yes, Jeeves? LIMO DRIVER We’re almost there, to the stage, I’m opening the roof. PRESIDENT Why is that, Jeeves?
LIMO DRIVER To wave to people, sir? recommended it, sir. Alright. PRESIDENT Sesame.
INT. PRESIDENT’S INAUGURATION - DAY Come in part way through this scene(It’s already at the beginning of the film) PRESIDENT Is Adrianna in the crowd? GREG What’s that? PRESIDENT Is Adrianna in the crowd? GREG I believe so. PRESIDENT Where? GREG Uh... PRESIDENT Where is she at? GREG Third row. PRESIDENT So I look over there to see her? GREG Yes, Mr. President. PRESIDENT Great. EXT. SPEECH PODIUM - DAY President is talking to a crowd.
PRESIDENT To start out, you people are all idiots. I don’t remember any part of my campaign, or my real name, All I can remember is that I was a cranky, lonely old man, and I was perfectly content with it. I do remember that this country used to be great. Social security, affordable health care, Kraft Dinner by the bucket. Everybody hates their job. Nobody likes to clean toilets at the Burger King. Dammit! I hated my job, but I went to it because I thought about that one kid in China! Y’know, the one you’ve heard about, the one who spends all day making Nike’s, and if he’s not fast enough then they whip ’em. Part of the reason I wear Converse actually! PRESIDENT looks right in to the camera, smiles and puts both thumbs up. Seconds later, he is knocked off of his feet by several sniper shots to the chest. EXT. NEAR THE STAGE - DAY The crowd is silent for a second, then panic breaks out and they start to stampede. EXT. SPEECH PODIUM - DAY President lies there in a pool of blood, camera hovering above. The camera floats up slowly into the sky, TV GUY (OC) Oh my god! The president has been shot! The president has been put down! He’s down, I can’t say anything else, he’s dead! and then the screen goes black. PRESIDENT (VO) Damn, that hurt.
EXT. ROOFTOPS - DAY Black screen, three sniper rifle shots heard, fade in as Adrianna raises her gun, she hears police sirens approaching. ADRIANNA Shit, they’re early! She throws her gun off the side of the building, landing in a back alley. She then crouches down and draws her Uzis. EXT. STREETS BELOW ROOFTOPS - DAY Several Police Cruisers and SWAT vans pull up. A police chief starts to formulate a plan with a SWAT squad. POLICE CHIEF Alright, everybody. The President is down, and probably dead. When we took oaths for the Bureau, we pledged allegiance to the country, and no matter your politics, you must know that this kind of terrorism is unacceptable. We’ve been advised to resolve this conflict with deadly force. If it were anything less, than the shooter would get away with getting a few months to savor their victory before execution. Shoot to kill, that is an order. If they are still alive, bring them out here and I’ll finish it. SWAT (GROUP) Yes, sir! POLICE CHIEF Alright, move out! EXT. ROOFTOPS - DAY ADRIANNA Fuck! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck! ADRIANNA looks down on the POLICE and opens fire.
EXT. STREETS BELOW ROOFTOPS - DAY Gunfire assaults the pavement and occasionally a car or passerby. SWAT 1 We’re under heavy fire! SWAT 2 Where are they? POLICE CHIEF (RADIO) They’re on the roof of the Monroe Building, and they’re a girl. SWAT 3 Get cover! She doesn’t have a million clips up there. SWAT 4 (RADIO) I’ve got a lock on her, the amateur, she’s standing up, perfect target. SWAT 2 Shoot, goddammit! EXT. ROOFTOPS - DAY Adrianna is unloading bullets on the Police Barricade. A sniper bullet hits her in the leg. She twists around and starts to fall off the roof. EXT. STREETS BELOW ROOFTOPS - DAY POLICE CHIEF Lieutenant, I’m giving you a direct order, fire now. EXT. ROOFTOPS - DAY Camera is falling towards the ground. EXT. STREETS BELOW ROOFTOPS - DAY SWAT 4 (RADIO) Already got her.
EXT. ROOFTOPS - DAY Camera is still falling towards the ground. EXT. STREETS BELOW ROOFTOPS - DAY POLICE CHIEF Shoot again. EXT. ROOFTOPS - DAY Camera is continuing to fall towards the ground. EXT. STREETS BELOW ROOFTOPS - DAY SWAT 4 (RADIO) No need chief. EXT. ROOFTOPS - DAY Camera is about to hit the ground. EXT. STREETS BELOW ROOFTOPS - DAY POLICE CHIEF And why is that? A body falls and lands right behind him, making a resounding thud. Without turning around, he says: POLICE CHIEF (cont’d) Oh. POLICE CHIEF drops the radio and draws his gun, flipping 180 degrees as he does so. Close up on her face, bloody, but viewable. She whispers her last words. ADRIANNA Rosebud. PRESIDENT (VO) Well, I guess we didn’t learn a thing. Maybe we learned a lesson about mock executions? Or was that just some pointers on what not to do? The End. Roll Credits...
Interrupt credits, still hanging over ADRIANNA, PRESIDENT (VO) (cont’d) Oh, and American Idol is rigged. Goodnight everybody. THE END...
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
We've moved you to where you read on your other device.
Get the full title to continue reading from where you left off, or restart the preview.