Soulmate with me

He sat down next to me on the train, holding a paper in his hand and not really acknowledging me when BANG! It felt like my whole being crashed into a brick-wall and I exploded. I imagined every single thought in my head flying around everywhere, like splinters until there was nothing left in my head, until my whole focus was only on him. My head snapped up in the same moment that I realized who he was and the only thing I could bring myself to do, was to stare. Not at him, I would never ever dare to sneak a peek at him. No, my staring eyes were turned to the exit-doors as if I expected that I would need a quick getaway. My breath caught in my throat and I tried not to make a single sound as my blood rushed through my veins so fast that the drumming from my racing heart made it hard to hear the world around me. The world that disappeared the same second that I realized it was you. But I should've seen it coming, I should've seen that it was you; the familiar shape of your nose, your beautiful eyes filled with long lost pain, your round cheeks that made you look more like a boy than a man. In some ways, I guess, you are a boy and the only thing that convinced me that you were, indeed, a man was your confident way of walking; head held up high from the hurt the world have given you. I tried, once again, to breathe without making a sound, without catching your attention. I don’t know how you found me or how you could be so sure that it was me, but I guess that is one of those things I will forever wonder about you. I close my eyes and wished that I could disappear. You’re one of those fairytale-boys - everything you do, you do with perfection. Even when you do it wrong it becomes so right because it’s all a part of this love-story that we’re both creating. Creating with thoughts that do not dare to be spoken, as if the words would sting our tongues and leave us vulnerable and bleeding until there is nothing left in us to bleed. Except for those thoughts, loud and very uncomfortable – more for you than for me. In some ways – In others; more for me than for you. That’s how the game works, that’s how we roll. Those bleeding, unspoken words that we both know of but do not acknowledge. You can feel it and I deny it – but it’s hanging in the air, hovering over us as we are staring at each other, not moving

and with blank expressions as if a smile would expose what we really feel. What we really want. But when your straight-lined, full lips curves to a smirk I narrow my eyes – keeping my guard up is my only way of surviving this. We’re both the predators, we’re both the hunters – it also makes us both the prey. “Why are you like this?” your question echoes hollowing, powerful words with an empty voice – but I imagine that it would be amazing to hear you speak my name. And the question surprises me, though, it was the only one I expected, but why would I show you weakness when you only use it to rip me apart and study my insides – especially when you do it wrong (but still, so right) “Why are you?” is my reply and my voice is dripping with unexplained anger, one of the few emotions I actually can show you without being ripped apart – without being judged as one of many. I don’t expect an answer though, I never do. You’re complicated like that – your only answer is cryptic words that force me to stay awake at night, it forces me to keep my distance when I close in on you. I’ve stopped listening to those replies for my own sake, that’s why I can’t hear you now; I can only see your lips move. I open my eyes again. Bleeding thoughts, unspoken words attached with so many emotions and you still haven’t said anything to me – you still haven’t acknowledged me and I know that you know who I am. But still, you just sit there, next to me, reading your paper in a rather comfortable position. It angers me and I avert my eyes to glare at you, but you do not notice, it's as if I don’t exist – as if I never did. What angers me more is the way my body tense up next to you, the tingling feeling over my skin and how unnatural my glare feels when your relaxed, smooth, beautiful face makes me feel like jelly. What I hate more is how my angry breath come out as a sigh of relief, as if your presence allowed me to fully enjoy the oxygen. I grit my teeth and shut my eyes angrily to stop the furious tears that threatened to escape from my glaring eyes. The wonders, the questions of how can you not be as affected by me as I am of you, I want to scream out of desperation and despair that I do not want to do this anymore – no more games! I open my eyes again and my lips curves over my teeth so I can growl at you - maybe even hit you - when the paper in your hand catches me eye and I realize that you’re reading it upside down.