3UHIDFH

PinkPassion Press Copyright ©2004

Welcome to my labor of love. This book took me several
months to create, exclusively for Ebook sites. My husband
said I was wasting my time with creating this book. I beg to
differ. Now that he has seen the finished product he says I
should stay in the Ebook business and make us rich!
I don’t know about getting rich, but It does pay the bills. I
have sold a few rights and plan to sell it to more Ebook sites
in the future.
All the pictures are Copyrighted and may only be distributed
through this Ebook. I pay up my ass for the rights to them so
don’t post them on your website, or give this book away as a
matter of fact.
Each page has one joke and a comic picture. Some pages have
a very short joke and this makes for a page that has very little
text on it. It may not look the best, but I wanted it to be that
way. One joke, one picture, one page.
Well, let’s start with some great laughter and then at the end
is a bonus section called. “A Few Sick Ones For You!”
Love, Lisa A.Shoemaker
&RQWHQWV
1. Strip Club
2. A Dog Named Sex
3. To My Dearest Wife
4. My Dick Is So Big Quotes
5. Starwars Sex Quotes
6. Pussy And Bitch
7. By The Seaside
8. Bob The Sperm
9. Biting Back
10. Viagra Joke
11. Hour Of Pleasure
12. 80 Year Old Virgin
13. Income Taxes
14. Shopping Expedition
15. Microsoft Programmer
16. The Free Beer
17. Sex Problem
18. To Hell
19. Almost Married
20. Social Security Sex
21. Loud Sex
22. Solo Sex
23. Confounded Sex
24. Wedding Anniversary Sex
25. Woman’s Hour
26. The Blow Job
27. Steak And Sex
28. Shakie Shakie
29. Oral Sex Disaster
30. Making Cake
31. Double Whammy
32. What A Shame
33. GangGrene
34. Too Far In
35. All Stood Up
36. Turner Brown
37. A Foot And A Half
38. The Morning After
39. My Dog Named Sex
40. Revolutionary Inventors
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
41. Native Temptations
42. Drilling Rights
43. Psychology Major
44. 3 Newlywed Wives
45. Crack Hoe
46. Little Boys Frog
47. How Did It Happen
48. Why Chocolates Better Than Sex
49. Savior Fare
50. Questions And Answers
51. Bobbit’s In The News Again
52. Tiger Resting His Balls
53. Chinese Torture Test
54. Privates
55. Tarzan And Jane
56. Old Man And His Penis
57. Gay Guy And His Tattoo
58. Four Fingers
59. Vaseline
60. Buttons On The Airplane
61. The Cheese Sandwich
62. Three Labradors
63. Low Sperm Count
64. Artificial Insemination
65. Dirty Blind Man
66. Idiot’s Guide To Sex
67. Things Not To Say During Sex
68. Group Of Girl Friends
69. Six Children
70. Hotel Lobby Clerk
71. Doctor And Wife
72. Macho Man
73. Little Old Lady
74. The Smile Test
75. Randy The Rooster
76. The Bell System
77. My Mother
78. Doing The Dishes
79. Premature Ejaculation Problems
80. Ten Thousand Dollars
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
81. How To Sell
82. First Time
83. Two Necrophilliacs
84. The Man And His Doctor
85. Three Whores
86. Michael Jackson
87. Not My Kind Of Date
88. Limericks
89. Expensive Peep Show
90. Smart Ass
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
91. Sweet Revenge
92. The Cannibals
93. Herpes
94. Hypothetical And Realistic
95. Magic Pills
96. Two Fleas
97. Banana Bread
98. Ether
99. Creative Gestures
100.Hong Kong Dong
101.Medium Size
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
A Few Sick Ones For You!
106
1
'[ljí (l|D
A man went to a strip club. When he got
inside he noticed a seat conspicuously
unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the
opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out,
the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah
baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
The man in the front row turned around
and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes
into the show, the dancer did a move and
snatched off her top, revealing two
pasties. The guy behind our friend goes
off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those
things."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey
buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did
another move, and snatched off her
dress, revealing a very thin G-string.
Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the
G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend
turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"
The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude."
´
/ [(Ü MHOFd 'FX
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or
"Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very
embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew
the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for
Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But
she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I
said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was
nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister
that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to
wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has
played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my
personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him
everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next
day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that
I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for
Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex
keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the
contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me
what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case
comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I
ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked
me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has
left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
²
¯( "Y [FHlFS[ vjfF
During the past year, I have attempted to
make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of
only once every 10 days. The following is a
list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid
there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up
and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that
I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this,
shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
4
"Y [jCk jS '( [jÜ C|([FS
My dick is so big, its a tight fit when I'm bangin' your loose
momma!
My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the
summertime.
My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and
My dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the
doorman.
My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of
company.
My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.
My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from
high school.
My dick has an elevator and a lobby.
My dick has better credit than I do.
My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.
My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's
now known as the Democratic Republic of
My Dick.
My dick is so big, it has casters.
My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.
My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the
harbor.
My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla
vs. My Dick.
My dick is so big, it lives next door.
My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it
came in first, second, and third.
My dick is so big, it votes.
My dick is a better dresser than I am.
My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen
My balls in pictures.
My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th
home run.
My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.
No matter where I go, My dick always gets there first.
My dick takes longer lunches than I do.
My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the
Democratic National Committee.
My dick was once the ambassador to China.
¬
'[HlVHlS 'FX C|([FS
'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you
smell!'
'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull
out in time?'
'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'
'You've got something jammed in here real good.'
'Aren't you a little short for a storm-trooper?'
'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'
'Sorry about the mess...'
'Look at the size of that thing!'
'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'
'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it
counts, kid.'
'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'
'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'
'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'
'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'
'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a
while.'
'Hurry up, golden-rod...'
'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all
riled up like that, huh kid?'
'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'
'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'
'Control, control! You must learn control!'
'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'
'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'
'I never knew I had it in me.'
'There is good in him, I've felt it.'
'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'
'Back door, huh? Good idea!'
'She's gonna blow!'
'I think you'll fit in nicely.'
'Rise, my friend.'
'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'
¬
í|SSY /[d [j[Ch
A kid comes home from school and says to his
mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at
school are using 2 words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat
like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog
like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the
workshop in the basement. He says to his dad,
"Dad the boys at school are using words I don't
know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told
me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom
with these matters, she cant handle them. What
are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from
the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic
area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything
inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
7
[Y ¯hF 'FHSjdF
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike
up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the
blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said
politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that,
the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging
her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to
a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was
what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you
know my name was Katz?"
8
[(D ¯hF 'íFlO
Once there was a sperm named
Bob. When all the other sperm
were just swimming around, Bob
was doing sprints and lifting
weights all the other sperms
asked him one day, "Why don't
you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "well,
when the time comes, I'm gonna
be the first one there".
The others told him it was just
destiny, but he said it wasn't. So,
the day finally came when they
were called upon. They were
swimming along when Bob pulled
ahead of the rest. Suddenly he
stopped and turned around and
headed back.
The others asked him why he
turned around and he said, "back
up boys it's a BLOW JOB!"
H
[j[j[Ü [HCk
One morning while making breakfast, a man
walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt
and says, "You know if you firmed this up we
could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she
thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a
pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you
firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a
death grip in place she said, "You know if you
firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.
1|
\jHÜlH J(kF
Two elderly men were talking about
Viagra. One had never heard of it and
asked the other what it was for."It's the
greatest invention ever," he said. "It
makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can
you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if
you took two."
Did you hear about the side-effects of the
Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it
slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.
What do you get if you mix Viagra and
Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but
doesn't really care where.
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You
have to wait an hour for a three minute
ride.
A man was prescribed Viagra by his
doctor who told him to take it one hour
before sex. The man collected his
prescription and went home to wait for his
wife to get in from work. An hour before
she was due home, he took the Viagra pill.
But just as he was expecting her, she
phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for
another two and a half hours. In a panic,
he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn
off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a
maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with
the maid."
11
j(|l Cf ílFHS|lF
The Dean of Women at
an exclusive girls' school
was lecturing her students
on sexual morality.
"We live today in very
difficult times for young
people. In moments of
temptation," she said,
"ask yourself just one
question: Is an hour of
pleasure worth a lifetime
of shame?"
A young woman rose in
the back of the room and
said, "Excuse me, but
how do you make it last
an hour?"

8| YFHl Cld \jlÜj[
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch
in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks
her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that
she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but
the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second
opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she
went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch
is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because
I'm a virgin".
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs,
the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit
flies."

j[C(OF ¯HXFS
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to
be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin,
and that he could not go to heaven right away. He
asked what he did and God told him that he cheated
on his income taxes, and that the only way he could
get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound,
stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to
pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this
enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up
ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman
than he was with. When he approached Carlos he
asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I
cheated on my income taxes and scammed the
government out of a lot of money...even more then you
did." They both shook their heads in understanding
and figured that as long as they have to be with these
women, they might as well hang out together to help
pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business
when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was
with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos
approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this
unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best
time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look
forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she
rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
14
'h(ííj[Ü |XíFdj[j([
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They
were touring around the marketplace looking at the
goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a
Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners Come in. Come
into my humbleshop." So the married couple walked
in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special
sandals 1 think you'd be interested in. They make you
wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after what the man had claimed, but her
husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
hero he was. The husband asked the man, "how could
sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on
and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much
badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them
on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started
tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU
HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

"jCl(S(f[ íl(ÜlHOOFl
A woman had been married three
times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that
could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I
married an octogenarian and he
died before we could consummate
the marriage."
"The second time I married a
naval officer and war broke out on
our wedding day."
"The third time I married a
Microsoft Windows programmer
and he just sat on the edge of the
bed and kept telling me how good
it was going to be."

¯hF [lFF [FFl
A new guy in town walks into a bar and
reads a sign that hangs over the bar:
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO
CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks
the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to
drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila,
the WHOLE thing at once AND, you
can't make a face while doing it.
SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with
a sore tooth...you have to remove it with
your bare hands. THIRD, there's a
woman up-stairs who's ever had an
orgasm. You gotta make things right for
her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free
beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts
to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and
the requirements get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man
drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of
tequilla with both hands, and downs it
with a big slurp and tears streaming
down his face. Next he staggers out
back and soon all the people inside hear
the most frightening roaring and
thumping, then silence. The man
staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says
"Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
17
'FX íl(DlFO
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this
sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell
me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in
the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me
up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about
5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours
making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the
man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I
meet this girl every day and we get a
compartment to ourselves and have sex all the
way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't",
said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary
really fancies me and I have to give her one in the
storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he
said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady
I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a
quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No,
hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to
work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll
give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is
so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"
18
¯( jFll
A man dies and goes to Hell. The
devil greets him, "You may choose
which room you wish to enter.
Whichever you choose, the person in
that room will switch with you. They'll
go to heaven and you'll take over until
somebody switches with you. So go
on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room
where someone is tied to a wall and
is being whipped. The second room
has someone being burned by a
torch. The third has a man getting
blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks
up to the woman and taps her on the
shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found you're
replacement."
1H
/lO(S[ "HlljFd
A young fellow was about to be
married and was asking his
grandfather about sex. He asked how
often you should have it. His
grandfather told him that when you first
get married, you want it all the
time....and maybe do it several times a
day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it
once a week or so. Then as you get
older, you have sex maybe once a
month.
When you get really old, you are lucky
to have it once a year....maybe on your
anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his
grandfather, "Well how about you and
grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just
have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow
asked.
"Well," grandpa said, "She goes to bed
in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my
bedroom. And she yells, "Fuck You",
and I holler back, "Fuck you too."
´|
'(CjHl 'FC|lj[Y 'FX
Two old men sitting on a park
bench were talking as they were
watching quite a few sexy
female joggers pass by.
"So, how's your sex life?" one
asked.
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having
Social Security sex." The other
commented.
"Social Security sex?" The first
man asked in concern.
"Yeah, you know: I get a little
each month, but not enough to
live on!"
´1
_(|d 'FX
A wife went in to see a
therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in
bed and my husband
climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said,
"that's completely natural. I
don't see what the problem
is." "The problem is," she
complained, "It wakes me up!"
´´
'(l( 'FX
A married couple spent many years in bed,
in the park and even the dressing room at
the shopping mall clothing store.
Finally their sex life became dull and drab.
They simply ran out of Ideas. The husband
began shopping at the Adult book store
and found some toys to spice things up.
“What do you have here?” The wife asked.
Well, I bought you a 10 inch dildo and me a
dime sized hairy pussy pumper. She
smiled in total excitement.
Snatching the dildo from his hand she
began ridding the toy like it was a carnival
ride. She was so happy with her new toy
that he told her were he bought it. He
enjoyed his toy also. The husband made
more visits to the sex shop, but never
came home with anything.
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came
right out and asked his wife during a recent
lovemaking session, "How come you never
tell me when you have an orgasm?" She
glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"
´²
(([f(|[dFd 'FX
A man was in a terrible
accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from
his body. His doctor assured
him that modern medicine
could give him back his
manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover it,
since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said
the cost would be $3,500 for
"small, $6,500 for "medium,
$14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would
want a medium or large, but
the doctor urged him to talk
it over with his wife a few
days before he made any
decision.
The man talked to his wife
when he arrived at home
and explained their options. He went back to the hospital and the doctor came into the room, and
found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The
man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
´4
vFddj[Ü /[[jVFlSHlY 'FX
A husband and his wife had a
bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary. The
husband yells, "When you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that
reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As
Ever'."
"Yeah," she replied, "When you
die, I'm getting you a headstone
reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At
Last.'
´¬
v(OH[S j(|l
My husband came home with a
tube of K Y jelly and said, "This
will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out
of the bedroom, I squirted it all
over the doorknobs. He couldn't
get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The
man says, "I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the
world." The woman says..... "I'll
miss you."
A man told his wife that he
bought her a great, big, juicy,
mail-order dildo. She asked,
“How long til it cums?”
´¬
¯hF [l(V¡(D
A Man walks into a bar and orders six double
bourbons and the barman asks the man what
his troubles were.
"No troubles", said the customer "In fact I am
celebrating".
"Celebrating what?" asked the barman.
"I have just had my first blowjob". came the
reply.
"In that case let me give you a seventh
double on the house" replied the barman.
"No Thanks", said the man "If six don't get rid
of the taste nothing will!"
´7
'[FHk /[d 'FX
Steak and sex are two of my favorite
things. I have them both the same
way – bloody and rare.
Ten Ways Steak is Better Than Sex
10) A bruised eye heals faster with
rotten steak than rotten pussy.
9) That’s the only meat your wife
allows you to beat.
8) The hole in the rib-eye is much
tighter than the hole in your cat.
7) Steak is better burnt around the
pink than pussy.
6) Steak juices taste better than
your wife’s juices.
5) After your done eat’n steak, you
don’t get little curly hairs in your
teeth.
4) You don’t get that empty feeling
when you order steak at the hotel.
3) You can’t get arrested for eating
premature steak.
2) Saucy steak – Good. Saucy Wife
– Bad.
1) Your wife is not 100% fat free.
Guaranteed!
´8
'hHkjF 'hHkjF
An elderly woman moves into a nursing
home. Her daughter helps her unpack and
get settled in. After a few days, the woman
notices a male resident who sits out on the
porch every day, all by himself. She decides
to go over and talk to him.
She asks if she can sit with him awhile. He
looks at her for a second and says, "Yeah,
you can, but only if you'll hold my dick." At
first she's horrified and outraged. But then
she thinks, "He's lonely, I'm lonely..." Finally,
she agrees. She gets a blanket to put over
their laps and she sits next to him every day,
holding his dick.
After a few weeks, her daughter comes to
take her mother for a weekend visit. When
the woman returns to the nursing home, the
first thing she sees is the man on the porch
next to another elderly woman. They have a
blanket across their laps. The first woman
knows what the second woman is doing. She
storms up the steps and starts yelling at the
man.
"What does SHE have that I don't have?!"
she screams.
The man just smiles and says, "Parkinson's."
´H
ClHl 'FX [jSHS[Fl
An old man's wife is in coma at
the hospital, and one day the
doctor walks in to change her IV
bag.
While doing so, he accidentally
grazes dreamingly at her breast
and she moans. Happily, the
doctor runs to the husband and
tells him what had happened and
tells him to perform oral sex on
her because it might liven her up
a bit.
The husband franticly runs in the
room and quickly pulls out her
choppers and starts performing
oral sex on her, but he comes
back out 20 minutes later, very
sad looking.
"Well... what happened," the
doctor asks.
"She's dead," the husband starts
crying.
"Why?" the doctor says.
"She choked."
²|
"Hkj[Ü (HkF
A young boy and his dad go to the
beach and there is a couple making
out, so the boy asks his father what
they are doing.
His dad replies, "They're making a
cake."
The boy says, "Oh." The next day
they go to the zoo and there are two
monkeys getting it on and a the boy
asks his dad, "What are they doing?"
His dad replies, "They're baking a
cake." So they go home and the next
day, the boy says to his dad, I know
what you and mom were doing last
night, you were baking a cake." The
father asks the boy, "How do you
know?"
The boy replies with a big grin,
"Because I licked the frosting off the
sheets this morning."
²1
[(|DlF vhHOOY
A man is looking for a Christmas
gift for his wife, and after walking
through the mall for hours he
gives up and goes to the bar.
He sees a good friend of his
sitting at the bar, so he goes over
to him and says, " I will buy you a
drink if you can give me some
ideas about what to buy my wife
for Christmas."
His friend replies, "I got my wife a
pair of slippers and a great
vibrator. Worked for me!”
The man wasn’t sure what to
think of his friends extraordinary
idea and looked at him with a
quizzical gaze in his eye.
His friend explains that if she
doesn't like the slippers, she can
go fuck herself.
²´
vhH[ / 'hHOF
Two guys and a girl are stranded on a deserted island.
After a week the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the two guys are so ashamed of what they are doing, they bury her.
After another week they are so ashamed of what they are doing, they dig her back up.
²²
(H[Ü(lF[F
Harry goes to he doctor's and sits in a queue
between to other guys. They start talking and
one admits to having a red ring round the top of
his penis. Harry then admits that he too has a
line round the top of his penis, but its green
The third guy admits that this ring he has is
orange.
The doctor calls in the first guy with the red ring
leaving Harry and the other sufferer nervously
awaiting their fate.
There's no noise and after about 15 minutes
the guy re-appears with a big grin on his face.
"Nothing to it, " he said. The doctor re-
appeared and called the guy with the orange
ring into the consulting room.
"So what happened," inquired Harry. "Piece of
cake" the other guy replies. "The Doctor examined the problem, coated on some cream and after ten
minutes told me to wash it all off. And that was it! The ring had gone!"
The other guy appears and starts to tell the same story and of the similar treatment just as the Doctor
calls for Harry. Harry wanders in, full of confidence, drops his trousers and asks where the cream is
kept. The Doctor looks at Harry over the top of his glasses, picks up a wooden spatula, and proceeds
to examine Harry's appendage with great concern. "I've got some bad news for you Harry," the
Doctor pronounces, "we will have to amputate your penis as soon as possible!"
Harry sinks into a chair in disbelief and horror. "Can't you just give me the cream like you did for the
other two guys. They've recovered OK."
"Well Harry," says the doc,"there's all the difference in the world between removing lipstick and
dealing with gangrene!"
²4
¯(( [Hl j[
A young couple was out carousing one
evening. While driving down the highway, the
guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles and hour,
will you take off all your clothes?" She agrees
and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to
strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so
busy staring at her that he drives off the road
and flips the car over.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but
her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in
the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and
says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get
help from that gas station down the road."
She takes the shoe, covers herself between
the legs, and runs to the gas station down the
road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells
to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's
stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I
think it's too late- he's too far in!"
²¬
/ll '[((d \í
A guy walks into a pharmacy and
says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have
three girls coming over tonight. I've
never had three girls at once, and I
need something to keep me horny...
keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the
counter, unlocks the bottom drawer
and takes out a small cardboard box
marked with a label "Viagra Extra
Strength" and said, "Here, if you eat
this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the
same pharmacy, goes up to the
pharmacist and pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he
notices the man's penis is black and
blue, and the skin is hanging off in
some places.
The man says, "Gimme a bottle of
Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay?
You're not going to put Ben Gay on
that are you?"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms -
the girls didn't show up."
²¬
¯|l[Fl [l(V[
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks
up and sees this HUGE guy standing
next to him. The big guy sees the little
guy staring at him, looks down and says,
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2
lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, Turner
Brown." The small guy faints dead away
and falls to the floor.
This big dude kneels down and brings
him to, slapping his face and shaking
him, "What's wrong with you?" In a very
weak voice, the little guy says, "Excuse
me, but what EXACTLY did you say to
me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious
look on your face and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions
everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall,
350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left
testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, and my name
is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I
thought you said Turn Around!"
²7
/ [(([ /[d / jHlf
An Italian woman married an Italian man. The Italian
tradition for newlyweds is to remain virgins until
they're married and then sleep at the girl's mother's
house on their wedding night.
After the wedding, the newlyweds went back to her
mother's house. The man went up stairs and the
woman stayed to talk to her mom. She said, "I don't
want to go up there."
Her mom said, "He's a good man. Go upstairs and
he'll treat you well."
When she got upstairs, the man took off his shirt.
She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma!
Mamma! He has a hairy chest!"
Her mom said, "All good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs and he will treat you well."
When she got upstairs, he took off his pants.
She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma!
Mamma! He has hairy legs!"
Her mom said, "All good men have hairy legs. Go upstairs and he will treat you well."
When she got upstairs he took off his socks. She noticed that half his foot was missing. She ran
downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mom said, "Stay here! This is job for Mamma!"
²8
¯hF O(l[j[Ü /f[Fl
It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover." The
husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"
²H
"Y [(Ü MHOFd '|/
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or
"Boy". I call mine "Sex." He is a great pal, but he
has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog
license, I told the clerk I would like a license for
Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then, I said "But
this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she
looked like. Then, I said, "You don't understand.
I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked
and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my
honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the
motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and
me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You
don't need a special room. As long as you pay
your bill, we don't care what you do." I said,
"Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps
me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny - I
have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before
the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just
standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I
had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told
me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you
don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the
place, it's no big deal any more."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and
asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Friday.
4|
[FV(l|[j([HlY j[VF[[(lS
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the
gates, the guy tells Ford, "Well, you've been
such a good guy and your invention the car
changed the world. As a reward, you can
hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I
want to hang out with Adam, the first man."
So the guy at the gates points Adam out to
Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks,
"Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the
exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "Hold on." So
Adam goes to the celestial computer, types
in a few keystrokes, and waits for the
results. The computer prints out a slip of
paper and Adam reads it. He then says to
Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed,
but according to the stellar computer, more
men are riding my invention than yours."
41
MH[jVF ¯FOí[H[j([S
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy
that he was going to be stationed a long way from
home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.
A few weeks after he got there he began to miss
his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a
very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and
there's really not much to do here in the evenings.
Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young
attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby
of some kind I would not be tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying,
"Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his
tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to
his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you
into bed so that we make passionate love!" She
kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that
harmonica."

[ljllj[Ü [jÜh[S
A young, fat, streetsmart, brunette married
a skinny rich Texas oil tycoon. Two months
later he asked her to bend over so he could
inspect her land line.
Needless to say, she was very cautious
and apprehensive about flipping over and
being inspected, but she did it anyways.
“Looks like a winner!” The Texas tycoon
said.
The Woman quickly turned around and
replied, “Your not using that tiny piledriver.
Are you?”
Storming into his lawyer's office, the Texas
oil tycoon demanded that some divorce
proceedings begin at once against his
young bride. "What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach
of contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't
know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I
mean your wife isn't a piece of property;
you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I
sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!

íSYCh(l(ÜY "H¡(l
A guy goes in a bar and orders for a beer. After
a while this really gorgeous woman walks in and
sits beside him. He starts thinking about talking
her into bed with him and kindly turns to her, "
Hi. Would you like me to buy you a drink?"
The woman turns to him and screams to the top
of her lungs: "WHAT? YOU WANT TO FUCK
ME? NO WAY!"
Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and
all the people are staring at the guy as the
woman was leaving. The guy gets really
embarrassed and stands still on his stool as if
nothing had happened. After a while the same
woman walks in, approaches him and tells him,
"I'm sorry about that little incident but you see
I'm a psychology graduate and I wanted to see
how people react to embarrassing situations."
The guy then yells: "WHAT? TWO HUNDRED
BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB?"
44
² MFVlYVFd vjVFS
Three recently married couples
spend their honeymoon's first
night in the same hotel.
The next morning all three of the
women meet in the hall and
decide to have a little breakfast
together and to gossip about
their wedding night, although one
of them claims she won't be
eating anything.
The first starts enthusiastic, "Last
night my husband put his whole
hand inside me!"
The second bride, not surprised
at all, proudly takes her turn at
once, "Mhuh... my husband put
his whole arm inside me!"
Then, both women look at the
third one who, although moving
very clumsily, stares at them with
ambiguous satisfaction in her
whole body, looks down on her
hip and cries out to it, "Hey John,
come out and say hello to Sarah
and Pam!"

(lHCk j(F
Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?
A Prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!

_j[[lF [(YS [l(Ü
There was a 12 year old boy named
David. He had heard about this house
where you could go and have sex with
any woman. There was one woman
who had herpes. But, she was the
most beautiful woman you had ever
seen. Most of the town has herpes
because they had fucked her.
Well, one day the little boy was
dragging a dead frog on a string up to
the door of the house. When a woman
answered he said that he would like to
have sex with the one lady that has
herpes. Looking astonished the
woman agrees.
An hour and half later the boy is ready
to leave. He is still carrying his frog. The woman, curious, asks the little boy why he is carrying the
dead frog.
The little boy responded and said, "Well if you must know, when my mom and dad go out tonight
they're going to leave me at home with the babysitter, who is very fond of little boys. When my mom
and dad get home, dad will drive the babysitter home and he'll have a quickie with her, then he'll
come back home and screw my mom, then in the morning when my dad goes to work, my mom will
take a long time in the kitchen with the milkman. And that is the mother fucking bastard who ran over
my fucking frog!"
47
j(V [jd j[ jHííF[
The doctor asked the middle-aged
farmhand as he set the man's
broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how
you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago,
when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I'd gone
to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She
asked me if there was anything I
wanted.
I told her, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for
you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the
roof!"
48
vhY (h(C(lH[FS [F[[Fl [hH[ 'FX
You can GET chocolate.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real
meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are
driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you
want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your
mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't
mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate
without being called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off
chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of you
workbench/desk during working hours without
upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without
getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the
month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you
can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your
neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesn't matter.
4H
'HV(jl [HlF
An American is in a restaurant in Paris. He asks the three Frenchmen at the table next to him,
“Excuse me, all my life I’ve heard about Savoir Fare. Can you tell me what that is?”
1st Frenchman says, “Ah, you’re having sex with another man’s wife and he walks in on you and
says, “Please, continue.” That’s Savoir Fare.
2nd Frenchman says, “No, no. You’re having sex with another man’s wife and he walks in on you and
says, “Please, continue. May I pour you a drink?” That’s Savoir Fare!
The 3rd Frenchman says, “No, no. You’re having sex with another man’s wife and he walks in on you
and says, “Please, continue.” If you CAN CONTINUE, that’s Savoir Fare!
¬|
C|FS[j([S /[d /[SVFlS
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's
mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the
whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it
out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy
box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and
moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not
getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good
hand.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own
name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in
common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
¬1
[(DDj[S j[ ¯hF MFVS /ÜHj[
News Flash! A 10 year old girl sets the wide
world record of bobbing for apples. She bit into
669 apples. Unfortunately the juice from the
worms made her sick in the stomach.
And now to more serious news……
Lorena Bobbit's sister was arrested, yesterday,
for trying to do the same thing to her husband as
her famous sister had done several years ago.
The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She
missed the target and stabbed her husband in
the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon
damage.
She has been charged with a 'misdeweiner'.
¬´
¯jÜFl [FS[j[Ü jjS [HllS
Tiger Woods drives his Buick into a Petrol Station in
Cork during his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the
pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as
to who the golf pro is, "Top o the morning to you young
fella!"
As Tiger leans over to get out of the car two tees fall
out of his top pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.
"And what would dey be for then?" enquires the Irish
man.
"They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says
Tiger Woods.
"Jaysus", says the Irish man, "Dem boys at Buick just
tink of everyting!"
¬²
(hj[FSF ¯(l[|lF ¯FS[
A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was
hopelessly lost.
It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten
anything besides what he could forage and he had been
reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the
woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man
couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However, he
saw smoke coming out of the chimney.
He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard
almost down to the ground answered. The old man
squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"
The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks
and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I
would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep
in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man said, I'll let you come in on one
condition. You absolutely cannot mess around with my
granddaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I
promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese
torture tests ever known to man."
"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.
That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the
granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had
gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her
grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man
snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time.
The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be
worth it after that experience."
The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was
this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound
rock on your chest."
"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window.
He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied
to rock."
The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the
rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to
bedpost."
¬4
íljVH[FS
Toby and Chris have been promoted from privates to
sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Toby says,
"Hey, Chris, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and
me stop in."
"But we're privates," protests Chris.
"We're sergeants now," says Toby, pulling him
inside. "Now, Chris, I'm gonna sit down and have
me a drink."
"But we're privates," says Chris.
"You blind?" asks Toby, pointing at his stripes.
"We're sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker
comes up to Toby. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd
like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of
gonorrhea." Toby pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Chris, go look in the dictionary and see
what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Chris goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Toby the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Toby is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Chris," he says, "Why'd you give me the okay?"
"Well, Toby, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But
we're sergeants now."
¬¬
¯Hl7H[ /[d JH[F
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle,
she was attracted to him, and during her
questions about his life, she asked him how he
had sex.
Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan
said, "Oh,... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all
wrong,... but I will show you how to do it
properly." She took off her clothes and laid
down on the ground.
"Here" she said,... "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer
with his huge erection, and then gave her an
almighty kick right in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed
like an eternity. Eventually she managed to
gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do
that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
¬¬
Cld "H[ /[d jjS íF[jS
An old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist
asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he
replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You
shouldn't come into a crowded office and say
things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I
told you," he said.
"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've
obviously caused some embarrassment in this
room full of strangers. You should have said there
is something wrong with your ear or something
and discussed the problem further with the doctor
in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and
reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and
asked "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear" he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied!!!
¬7
(HY (|Y /[d jjS ¯H[[((
One gay guy decides to have a tattoo
done. On arrival to the tattoo artist he
spots a picture of Frank Bruno. "Oh he's
my favorite darling.... can you do him on
the cheek of my ass??" he asked the
tattoo artist.
So it was done.
On the way out of the store he spots
another picture on the wall this time Mike
Tyson. "Oh good lord " the gay guy
blurted out. "I just adore big Mike, can you
do him on my other cheek please, lovey?"
So it was done.
On returning home his boyfriend says " Well drop your trousers, give us a look." He dropped his pants
to reveal his new art work; on which the boyfriend returned in fright, " Oh I'm not getting in the ring
with those two!"
¬8
[(|l [j[ÜFlS
Sean and his cousin James were out fishing
together on a boat in the middle of nowhere.
Rob suddenly had to take a leak, so he
unzipped his trousers had gabbed himself with
four fingers and took care of business.
Astonished, Sean thought how nice it would be
to swing like that.
Later that night…….
Sean and his buddy Jason were in a bar, and
they went into the toilet to take a leak.
While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, "I
wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He
needs four fingers to hold his."
Jason looked over and pointed out, "But you're
holding yours with four fingers."
"I know," said Sean, "but I'm pissing on three of
them."
¬H
\HSFlj[F
Grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and
she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his
breakfast and went out to play. Then he
came back in for lunch and asked his
grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and
she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he
ate his lunch and went out to play. Then
the little boy came in for dinner and once
again he asked his grandma "where's Mom
and dad?" and his grandmother replied
"they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his
grandmother asked, "what gives? Every
time I tell you they're still up in bed you
start to laugh! what is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "well last night daddy
came into my bedroom and asked me for
the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
¬|
[|[[([S C[ ¯hF /jlílH[F
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made
several attempts to get into the men's restroom,
but it had always been occupied. The flight
attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said,
"You may us the ladies room if you promise not
to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there
he noticed the buttons he had promised not to
touch. Each button was identified by letters:
WW,WA,PP and a red one labeled ATR. Who
would know if he touched them? He couldn't
resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was
sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice
feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have
nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA
button. Warm air replaced the warm water,
gently drying his underside. When this stopped,
he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of
spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The
ladiesrestroom was more than a restroom, it is
tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed it's pleasure,
he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing He
knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a
smirk on her face.
"What happened?!" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.
"The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
¬1
¯hF (hFFSF 'H[dVjCh
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign
hanging over the bar which read:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment,
he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the
three exceptionally attractive blondes serving
drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can
I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you
the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies "Well then, wash your hands, I
want a cheese sandwich!"
¬´
¯hlFF _HDlHd(lS
Three Labrador retrievers, chocolate, yellow, and
black, are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's
office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So
why are you here?"
The chocolate lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on
everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in
the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the
chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works
for everything."
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks,
"Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences,
dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.
When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over
the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire
hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back
and started humping away."
The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
¬²
_(V 'íFlO ((|[[
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's
office to get a sperm count. The doctor
gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar
home and bring me back a sample
tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old
man reappears at the doctor's office and
gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on -- the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the
man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First
I tried with my right hand, but, nothing.
Then I tried with-my left hand, but still
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
- tried with her right hand, with nothing.
Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then
with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We
even called up the lady next door and-she
tried with both hands and her mouth too,
but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your
neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but
no matter what we tried we couldn't get the
DARN jar open!"
¬4
/l[jfjCjHl j[SFOj[H[j([
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them
for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he
notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant,
and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that
he should try artificial insemination. The farmer
doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,
not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the
vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around
and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud
when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He
comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination
means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads
the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and
goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he
concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the truck again. He drives them out to the
woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure,
brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and
proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and,
upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to
look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn.
¬¬
[jl[Y [lj[d "H[
A dirty blind man visits his doctor for a routine
check-up and everything seems fine. The
doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be
honest. The wife ain't all that interested
anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past
week I was able to pick-up and bed at least
three girls, none of whom were over thirty
years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the
doctor said. "I hope you took at least some
precautions."
"Yep. I may be blind, but I ain't senile yet doc. I
gave 'em all a phony name."
¬¬
jdj([S 'FX (|jdF
1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of
gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called
a head start.
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show
her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the
"right time," she's not referring to a commercial
break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can
say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your
money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no
substitutes.
¬7
¯hj[ÜS M([ [( 'HY [|lj[Ü 'FX
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your
friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
But I just brushed my teeth...
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
I think you have it on backwards.
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you positively sure I don't know you from
somewhere?
That leak better be from the waterbed!
If you quit smoking you just might have more
endurance.
No, really... I do this part better myself!
You're almost as good as my ex!
Did you come yet, dear?
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
¬8
(l(|í Cf (jllfljF[dS
A group of girlfriends went on vacation and
saw a five-story hotel with a sign that read,
"For Women Only." Since they were
without their boyfriends, they decided to go
in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy,
explains to them how it works. "We have 5
floors... go up floor by floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay
there. It's easy to decide, since each floor
has signs telling you what's inside." So
they start going up, and on the first floor
the sign reads, "All the men here are
horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and
kind"... the friends laugh and, without
hesitation, move on to the next floor. The
sign on the second floor reads, "All the
men here are wonderful lovers, but they
generally treat women badly." This wasn't
going to do, so the friends move up to the
third floor where the sign read, "All the men
here are great lovers and sensitive to the
needs of women." This was good, but
there were still two more floors. On the
fourth floor, the sign was perfect: "All the
men here have perfect builds; are sensitive
and attentive to women; are perfect lovers;
they are also single, rich and straight." The
women seemed pleased, but they decide
that they would rather see what the fifth
floor had to offer before they settled for the
fourth. When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor
was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."
¬H
'jX (hjldlF[
A man had sex with his wife adamantly
until they had six children and was very
proud of there achievement. He was so
proud of himself that he started calling
his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections.
One night they go to a fancy party. The
man decides that it's time to go home,
and wants to find out if his wife is ready
to leave as well. He shouts at the top of
his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of
six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack
of discretion shouts back: "Anytime
you're ready, Father of Four!"
7|
j([Fl _(DDY (lFlk
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the
clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front
desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside
him and as he does, his elbow goes into her
breast. They are both quite startled. The man
turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, know you'll forgive me." She
replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm
in room 1221."
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I
want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the
young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in
that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the
taste, nothing will."
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and
he notices she is reading a manual about sexual
statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
this is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the
longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is
Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts
rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you
have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit
he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The
man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her
right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a
moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then
comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor
asks what happened to which the man replies: "I think she choked."
71
[(C[(l /[d vjfF
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the
breakfast table. The doctor gets up in a rage and
says, "And you are no good in bed either!" and
storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up. The
wife comes to the phone after many rings and the
irritated doctor says "What took you so long to
answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late? Doing what?" he asked.
She replied, "Getting a second opinion."

"HCh( "H[
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following
rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card
playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"
She replied, “Sure, And I’ll give you your massage, YOUR way!”

_j[[lF (ld _HdY
A little old lady was going up and down
the halls in a nursing home. As she
walked, she would flip up the hem of her
nightgown and said out loud, ”Supersex!
Supersex!”
She walked up to an elderly man in a
wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she
again said, “Supersex!"
The old man sat silently for a moment or
two looking up at her. Finally he
answered, “I’ll take the soup.”
74
¯hF 'OjlF ¯FS[
A noted sex therapist realizes that
people often lie about the frequency
of their encounters, so he devises a
test to tell for certain how often
someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an
auditorium with people, and goes
down the line, asking each person
to smile. Using the size of the
person's smile, the therapist is able
to guess accurately until he comes
to the last man in line, who is
grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist
guesses, but is surprised when the
man says no. "Once a day, then?"
Again the answer is no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so
happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

[H[dY ¯hF [((S[Fl
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no
rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes
down the road to the next farmer and asks if
he has a rooster for sale.
The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this
great rooster, named Randy: He'll service
every chicken you've got, no problem."
Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money,
but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he
buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home
and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the
rooster a pep talk.
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of chickens to service here,
and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need
you to do a good job. So, take your time and
have some fun," the farmer says with a
chuckle.
Randy seems to understand; so the farmer
points toward the henhouse and Randy takes
off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in
there three or four times and the farmer is just
shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house
and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn
with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer
is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer
goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the
middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I
told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

¯hF [Fll 'YS[FO
A fire chief had just gotten married and on
his honeymoon he informed his new wife
that their house was going to be run like a
firehouse... he said that they would have sex
on the bell system.
He went on to say that one bell meant take
your clothes off... two bells meant get into
bed... and three bells meant start fooling
around.
The fire chief came home from work one day
and decided to try out his system.... he
hollered "One Bell" and she took off her
clothes. He hollered "Two Bells" and she got
into bed.
He hollered "Three Bells" and they started
fooling around like crazy.
A few minutes later, SHE yells "Four Bells."
"Four Bells?" the fire chief asks, "What is
four bells?"
"Let out more hose, Your nowhere near the
fire!"
77
"Y "([hFl
John invited his mother over for dinner. During
the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing
how beautiful John's roommate was. She had
long been suspicious of a relationship
between John and his roommate and this only
made her more curious. Over the course of
the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more
between John and the roommate than met the
eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John
volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and
said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do
you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write
her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house,
and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that
you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that
if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
78
[(j[Ü ¯hF [jShFS
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He
finally finds one for a great price, but its missing
a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear
Vaseline over the spot where the seal should
be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for
dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new
bike to her house, where she is outside waiting
for him. "No matter what happens at dinner
tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our
family had a fight a while ago about doing
dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first
person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she
described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in
the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So
Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his
girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in
front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little
flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
mom horrified when he sits back down, but no
one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now
his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete
silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle.
He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away
from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
7H
ílFOH[|lF |¡HC|lH[j([ íl(DlFOS
One day a guy with premature ejaculation
problems went to a doctor.
The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge
to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out
and bought a starter pistol. When he got home
his wife was naked in bed ready fo him. So
they got in the 69 position and started at it.
When he felt the urge he fired the pistol. The
next day he went to the doctor and the doctor
asked him how it went
He said, "Not to good. My wife bit off three
inches of my dick, shit in my face and my
neighbor came out of the closet with his hands
up, naked."
8|
¯F[ ¯h(|SH[d [(llHlS
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had
moved into the house next door. He was also
quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in
the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that
showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made
it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as
possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he
could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of
the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited.
The husband, a large, burly man, opened the
door.
"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't
help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how
beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you
ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla was about to deck our poor guy
when his wife appeared and stopped him. She
pulled him inside and they discussed the offer for
a few moments. Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits." At this the wife
unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each
hand, and proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This went on for several minutes,
until the husband got annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled.
"I can't," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
81
j(V ¯( 'Fll
A new sales assistant was hired at a large dept. store.
On his first day, the sales manager took him around to
show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening
section, when they heard a customer asking for grass
seed.
The sales manager stepped in and said, "Excuse me, but
will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?"
The customer replied, "I guess so. I'll take one. "
""And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?"
"Um, okay. "
"Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower
to cut the grass when it starts growing too long."
" I'll take one of those too. "
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the
assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a
good sale. Always sell more than what the customer
originally came in for."
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the
pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in and asked, "I'd like to buy a
pack of Tampax, please."
"Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?"
"Why would I want to do that?"
"Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn."

[jlS[ ¯jOF
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are
relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks
familiar."

¯V( MFCl(íhjlljHCS
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of
them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in
last week. They pulled her out of the water after
she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin'
you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
84
¯hF "H[ /[d jjS [(C[(l
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge
hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over
and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor
" what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies, “I've just got really fucked by an
elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and
thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

¯hlFF vh(lFS
Three whores decide to see who has the
biggest snatch. They get naked, and start
fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on
a glass top table, and then they measure
the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table,
and then they measure the slimy outline
she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when
she stands back up, the first whore says,
"You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."

"jChHFl JHCkS([
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery
room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor,
how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
87
M([ "Y Kj[d Cf [H[F
A cop stops his police car when he sees a
couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying
on his side with his trousers pulled down, the
girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's
reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on
here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told
him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he
started pounding down the booze. Now, he's
too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to
sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him
puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger
to his mouth."
88
_jOFljCkS
There was an old whore from the Azores,
Who's cunt was so covered with sores,
That the dogs in the street,
Wouldn't eat the green meat,
That hung from festoons in her drawers.
There once was a rector from Kings,
Who's mind was on Heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire,
For this boy in the choir,
Who's ass was like jelly on springs.
There was an old maid from Camelot,
Who survived on frog shit and snot,
When she grew tired of these,
She'd eat the green cheese,
That she scraped from the sides of her twat.
8H
|XíF[SjVF íFFí 'h(V
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the
bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No,
he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in." They sit down and the friend says
"You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I
have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I
could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a
second and figures what the hell - a hundred
bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He
promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on
the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris
says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the
both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I
could just see the both of them together." Sara
thinks about this and says what the hell, opens
her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris
thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the
table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony
and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and
his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris
came over." Tony thinks about this for a second
and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he
owes me?"
H|
'OHl[ /SS
A young couple, just married, were in
their hotel honeymoon suite, on their
wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the
husband who was a big burly man
tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on." She put them on
and the waist was twice the size of
her body. "I can't wear your pants,"
she said. "That's right," said the
husband, "and don't you ever forget it.
I'm the man and I wear the pants in
this family."
With that she flipped him her panties
and said, "Try these on." He tried
them on and found he could only get
them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your
panties!" She replied, "That's right,
and that's the way its going to be until
your attitude changes!"
H1
'VFF[ [FVF[ÜF
One day a husband and wife were in the
bathroom. The wife was getting out of the
shower and the husband grabs her boobs
and says "If these were firmer you
wouldn't need a bra." The wife was
repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.
The next week the two are again in the
bathroom and while the wife was getting
out of the shower he grabs her ass and
says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't
need a girdle."
The wife is now pissed and is plotting her
revenge.
One day a week later the husband is
getting out of the shower and the wife
grabs his dick and says "If this was a little
bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."

¯hF (H[[jDHlS
One day 3 guys got stranded on an island, and they were captured by cannibals. They begged for
their lives, and the king cannibal said, "Ok I'll give you 2 trials. I'll tell you the first one now and the
second one later. The first one is pick 10 fruits of the same kind." So they set off to get their fruits.
The first guy came back to the king with 10 apples. The king says, "Ok now you have to shove them
up your ass without flinching or anything." So he shoves the first one up the guy's ass but on the
second one he flinches so they eat him and he goes to heaven. The second guys comes and the king
tells him the 2nd trial. He has berries, so he shoves 9 up his ass and on the last one he laughs so
they eat him and he goes to heaven. The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven the first guy
says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh? You coulda lived!" and the second guy says, I was fine
until I saw the third guy coming with all those watermelons!"

jFlíFS
A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office and
the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism
goes out the window. He tells her to take off her
pants and he starts rubbing her thighs.
He says "Do you know what I am doing?" She
replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities." He tells
her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts
rubbing her breasts.
He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She
replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."
Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her
on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having
sex with her.
He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She
replies "Yes, you're getting herpes. That's why I
am here."
H4
jYí([hF[jCHl H[d [FHljS[jC
One day a boy comes home from school
and says, "Dad, I really need to know
the meaning of hypothetically and
realistically for school."
The father replies, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with another man for
1 million dollars." The little boy goes and
asks and sure enough she says yes. His
dad says, "Ok now go ask your sister if
she would sleep with a man for a million
dollars." He does and sure enough she
says yes. The father says, "You see
son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2
million dollars but realistically we are
living with a couple of whores."

"HÜjC íjllS
One day a lady goes to her doctor and asks
her how to get her husband to sleep with her
more.
The doctor leaves the room then returns with
a little bottle and says, "Put one pill into his
coffee everyday, the results are instant."
The lady goes home and puts one into his
coffee right away, and that night she got a
little feel from her husband but nothing more.
Disappointed, the next day she dumped in
the whole bottle.
Six months later the phone rings And the
doctor asks, "Did they work"? The son
replied, "My moms dead, my sister is
pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad... Well
Dad's on the roof chasing the cat with a
bottle of Vaseline."

¯V( [lFHS
Two fleas are talking about winter migration and
one's freezing its ass of.
FLEA1: "I spent the whole trip in a biker's
beard."
FLEA2: "That's not the way you do it, what you
do is get on a plane and climb up a stuartess's
skirt and sleep in her pussy, that's what I always
do."
The next year the fleas talk again. The first flea
is still freezing his ass off.
FLEA2: "What the fuck is wrong with you, didn't
you do what I told you?"
FLEA1: "Yeah, you stupid pansy, I climbed up a
stuartess's skirt and slept in her pussy and I
woke up in a biker's beard!"
H7
[H[H[H [lFHd
INGREDIENTS:
2 laughing eyes
2 loving arms
2 well shaped legs
2 warm milk containers
1 fur lined mixing bowl
1 large banana
METHOD:
1. look into laughing eyes
2. spread well shaped legs
3. squeeze and then message milk
containers very gently until fur-lined
mixing bowl is well greased
4. add banana and gently work in and
out until creamed
5. cover with nuts and sigh with relief
NOTES:
Bread is done when banana is soft.
Be sure to wash utensils and don't
lick the bowl.
ATTENTION:
IF BREAD STARTS TO RISE...
LEAVE TOWN!
H8
|[hFl
Two women were talking about their lives
since they had become Nursing Home
residents. They both agreed that life was
good but one woman, Ethel, said she was
rather upset because her sex life had really
died out since she and her husband had
come to the nursing home. The other
woman said that her sex life was great! "I
put both legs behind my head. When he
comes out and sees me like that he gets
so excited! We have wild sex all night!" "Is
that right?" said Ethel. "Well, then, I'm
going to try that tonight!"
That evening, while Ethel's husband is in
the bathroom getting ready for bed, she
takes off all her clothes. And although it's a
struggle, she manages to get one leg up
and behind her head. With some effort, she
finally gets the other leg behind her head
as well. No sooner has she accomplished
this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and
can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes
out of the bathroom. With a shocked look
on his face, he yells "For God's sake,
Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in,
you look like an asshole!"
HH
(lFH[jVF (FS[|lFS
A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and
the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to
his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while. Then he would stop,
and resume reading his book.
The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response
as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband confused, asked, "What are you doing taking all your clothes off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy, I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love
with you tonight."
The husband said, "No, not at all."
Then the wife asked, "Well what the hell were you doing then?"
The husband replied, "I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book."
1||
j([Ü K([Ü [([Ü
On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided
to spend his last night having wild sex with a
Geisha Girl. Upon returning home three
weeks later, he noticed a very weird green,
festering sore growing on his Penis.
He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after
hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular
activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong
and the only cure was complete amputation.
Joe was horrified, and decided to get a
second opinion.
Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the
green growth. Dr. Smith said "I am sorry but
Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right
away."
Joe could not accept this. His friend
suggested that he visit an oriental doctor.
They must deal with this all the time. He went
to Dr. Chu Wong.
Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong
Kong Dong, but said "These Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amputation not
necesally."
Joe was relieved.
Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."
Milk and cookies
There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink
the milk of a nursing mother.
Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to
allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather
buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out, for a price.
The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman
the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the
father had abandoned them to their fate.
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment,
leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast.
Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.
One day, the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It
became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd
like?"
The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"
1|1
"Fdj|O 'j7F
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms,
I was waited on by a beautiful young woman.
She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't
sure. So she asked now big I was and I said,
"Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I
said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that
big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was
that big. I said, "I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said,
"You're a medium."
/ [FV 'jCk C[FS [(l Y(|
What do you call a hooker's kids? Brothel sprouts.
What has no arms and legs and hags over your mantel? Buck.
Hear about the dead Klansman who was so big, they couldn't find a coffin large enough to hold him?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Did you hear about the Polish guy who ate pussy? He spit out the kittens after he was done.
What did the potato chip say to the battery? "If you're Eveready, I'm Frito-lay."
Woman: "Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!"
Cop: "How do you know he was Irish?"
Woman: "I had to help him."
Hear Oprah Winfrey was busted coming through customs at JFK? They looked up her skirt and
found 300 pounds of crack.
What did one ball say to the other? "Why should we hang? It was Peter that did all the shooting."
How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum? Three. One to eat the possum, and two to watch
for cars.
How can you tell when you've passed an elephant? The toilet gets clogged.
Hear about the new line of appliances for gays? They're called kitchen AIDS.
What's grosser than gross? Siamese twins attached at the mouth and one throws up.
What do Greeks wear to weddings? Formal fish nets.
Why aren't there any African-American nuns? Because they find it difficult to say Superior after
Mother.
What's the difference between Rock Hudson and George Bush? George's aides haven't killed him,
yet.
What do you call an Irish prostitute? A pig in a blanket.
Hear about the Pole who bought a Trans-Am? It took him a month to realize he could drive at night.
What do you call someone with no arms or legs lying out in the sun? Ray.
Hear about the blind skunk... who tried to rape a fart?
Why do women have pussies? So men will talk to them.
What's red and white and screams? A baby having an epileptic fit on a bed of nails.
How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and the other to
shoot the witness.
What do you call an African-American hooker with braces on her teeth?
A Black & Decker pecker wrecker.
What happens when a Vulcan woman's tampon fails? She gets Toxic Spock Syndrome.
What's grosser than gross? Feeling your grandpa get a hard-on while you're sitting on his lap.
What's smaller than a teeny-weeny flea? A flea's teeny weenie.
What's a Puerto Rican limousine? A garbage truck with Mercedes hubcaps.
Hear about the guy with the four-inch dick? Some women like it, but others complain it's just too
wide.
How do you make an African-American nervous? Take him to an auction.
Hear about the good Catholic priest who gave up his celibacy for Lent?
Horny boyfriend: "Pleeease, I'll only be in you for a minute."
Girlfriend: "What do you think I am, a microwave?"
Hear about the Great Wall of China? It has chinks in it.
What's grosser than gross? Finding a pubic hair in your Bloody Mary.
What's "Fi-fi-fo, fo-fo-fi-fo"? Jesse Jackson's phone number.
How can you tell when a WASP bride is ugly? Everyone has lined up to kiss the caterer.
Why aren't there any African-American players in the National Hockey League? They aren't stupid.
Where does Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies.
What do old men do? Luckfuck.
Hear about the Polish musicians who had to empty the saliva from their instruments? They were a
string quartet.
What's the sticky white stuff in women's panties? Clitty litter.
Define "pizza." An abortion on toast.
Hear about the new Italian steel-belted radial tires? Dago forward, dago backward, and when dago
flat, dago wop, wop, wop.
Why is a vagina like a coffin? It can only handle one stiff at a time.
What's this? (Open your mouth wide and stick out your tongue.)
Blow-jobber's cramp.
What does a lesbian get every 28 days? A free meal.
What do cannibals call unborn babies? Hors d'oeuvres.
1st Pole: "Oh, no! The cops are following us. Are their flashers on?"
2nd Pole: "Yep ...nope...yep...nope..."
What do you call a skinny Protestant? A WISP.
How does an African-American fairy tale start? "You muthafuckers ain't gonna believe this shit...."
What do Mexicans call K-Mart shopping carts? Baby buggies.
Why do you tie a baby's umbilical cord? If you don't, he goes wwhhooossshh!
Why don't Greeks need to wear life preservers? Because oil floats.
What's a cannibal's favorite religious text? How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
What's a baby before it's born? Daddy's little squirt.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and the other to
drink till the room spins.
Hear about the whore who had an appendectomy? The doctor sewed up the
wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a jewelry store? Ruby.
What's Irish and comes out in the Spring? Paddy O'Furniture.
What's white, spotted, and gooey and rains down from the sky? The Coming of the Lord.
What do you call a calf's pussy? Veal cuntlet.
Define "hobosexualist." A bum fuck.
What were the captain of the oil tanker Valdez's last words? "No, I said Tanqueray on the rocks!"
You know God wouldn't have made women smell like fish, if he hadn't made cum look like tartar
sauce.
Why did they kick the gays out of heaven? They were eating all the prophets.
How do you bury a Panamanian? Flush.
Hear about the new jokes for the deaf?
What's grosser than gross? --Fucking a pregnant lady and the fetus gives you head.
How do WASPs celebrate Passover? Please pass over the chicken." "Buffy, pass over the gravy,
would you?" "Will you pass over the potatoes, please."
Why don't bunnies make noise when they fuck? They have cotton balls.
What's next door to the Joan Crawford Day Care Center? The Grace Kelly Driving School.
What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a JAP? Nothing. There are some things even a gorilla
won't do.
How do Chinese mothers name their babies? Throw some silverware down the stairs and name
them after the noise it makes.
Hear about the Englishman who thought manual labor was the president of Mexico?
Hear about the Alabama Highway Patrol car that hit an African-American so hard he flew thirty feet in
the air? He was arrested for leaving the scene of an accident.
What did one old maid say to the other? "Let's go down to the cucumber patch and do pushups."
What's red and screams? A skinned baby rolling in salt.
What do you call twenty hookers on a table? Whores d'oeuvres.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a mailbox? Bill.
Define "skyjacking." A hand job at 33,000 feet.
What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus? With a school bus, all the little pricks are
on the inside.
What does Miss Piggy use for a douche? Hog wash.
Who's the quadriplegic under the car? Jack.
What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and a jockstrap? One's a dictator and the other's a
dicktoter.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed Polish seamstress who couldn't menstruate?
What's the difference between American Pilots and Iraqi Pilots?
American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.
What do you call E.T. with no morals?
E.Z.
Hear about the gay judges who tried each other?
What were the first words Adam said to Eve?
"Stand back! I don't know how big this thing's gonna get."
Save the whales, eagles, and dolphins...
If you save enough, you can trade them in for lawn furniture.
What do you get when you sit on a fat person?
Thyroids.
How do you save Helen Keller from drowning?
Hand-to-had resuscitation.
What's the Greek army motto?
"Never leave your buddy's behind."
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a prostitute?
A hooker who does it for peanuts and won't ever forget it.
What do you call ten African-Americans butt fucking?
Soul Train.
Why did the Muslim stop eating his wife?
He overheard someone call her a pig.
Why do men swim faster than women?
Because they have a rudder.
How do you have fun with a dead hamster?
Tie its tail to the exercise wheel and give it a spin.
What do outhouses and candy have in common?
If there's no hole, it's not a lifesaver.
Irani saying: A woman for sons, a boy for pleasure, and a goat for sheer ecstasy.
What's the worst thing about killing 2,000 students at Tiananmen Square?
An hour later, you want to kill 2,000 more.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?
Skip.
How can you tell if a girl is ticklish?
Give her your test-tickle.
What's the disadvantage of visiting a leper prostitute?
She can only give head once.
Man after rushing into a public bathroom and whipping out his twelve-incher: "Whew, I just made it."
Drunk at the next urinal: "Can you make me one?"
Why does it take two homosexuals to rape a girl?
One to hold her down and the other to tease her hair.
Why do JAP's close their eyes while they're fucking?
So they can pretend they're shopping.
What do you call a girl with no arms and legs taking downers?
Barb.
What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
George Bush's tie.
How can you tell if a Polish woman is having her period?
She's only wearing one sock.
What did Trump say to the beautiful blonde who accosted him in the elevator of the Trump Towers
and begged to give him a blow job?
"What's in it for me?"
Why don't African-Americans use seat belts?
Because it's safer putting Velcro on the headrests.
Define "henpecked."
A sterile husband afraid to tell his pregnant wife.
What's a Mexican Express card?
A switchblade.
What's black and blue and goes swish, tha-dump, tha-dump?
A baby going down an incinerator.
Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Man: "What would your mom say if she saw you?"
Hooker: "She'd kill me. I'm on her corner."
What do pitchers and gigolos have in common?
Fast balls.
What do you call a woman with no arms or legs in a cash register?
Penny.
How can you tell the Polish secretary?
She's the one with white-out all over her computer.
What's red and white and black all over?
A nun with stab wounds.
Why does a Jewish divorce cost so much?
It's worth it.
What's red and green and goes one thousand miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.
How did Helen Keller's teacher keep her from talking in class?
She made her wear mittens.
What did the impotent man and the frigid woman accomplish in bed together?
A bilateral freeze.
Define "bad acne."
Waking up in the park with a blind man reading your face.
What's a Cambodian abortion?
A hungry rat on a string.
What was the WASP National Anthem during the Vietnam war?
"O, Canada!"
How do you make paper dolls?
Screw an old bag.
What does the neon sign say above Joe's 24-hour Abortion Clinic?
YOU RAPE 'EM, WE SCRAPE 'EM
Son: "I shoved a firecracker up a pig's ass."
Dad: "We don't say 'ass,' we say 'rectum.'"
Son: "I wrecked 'em all right. I blew the fucker to Kingdom Come!"
Doc examining patient: "Big breaths."
Patient: "Yeth, and I'm not even thixteen!"
What do you call a homosexual's athletic supporter?
A fruit cup.
Why didn't the eunuch cross the road?
He just didn't have the balls.
What does a WASP do when his car breaks down?
Calls AAA.
Pole #1: "Hey. look at the dead bird."
Pole #2, looking up in the sky: "Where?"
What do you get when you cross a Chinaman with a Frenchman?
A Frenchman who eats your laundry.
How many JAP's does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. Four to bitch and one to get her boyfriend to do it.
What did one goose say to the other goose?
"Ooooh!, I've been peopled!"
How can you tell Italian women are embarrassed by their long hair?
Because they wear long gloves to cover it up.
Proctologist: "Do you know I just pulled a dozen roses out of your rectum?"
Gay patient: "Is that so? What's the card say?"
What do you call a nun in a blender?
Twisted Sister.
What's blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub Scouts.
Where do women pilots sit?
In the cuntpit.
How do you wipe out 250 Puerto Rican families?
Blow up K-Mart.
Why doesn't Smoky the Bear have any children?
Because every time his wife gets hot, he hits her over the head with his shovel.
Two conceited people fucking--
She: "Aren't I tight?"
He: "No, just full."
When is a wet dream hazardous?
When you're under a electric blanket.
What do you call a faggot in the navy?
A Rear Admiral.
What did Wendy say when she stuck her hand down Ronald McDonald's pants?
"Where's the beef?"
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Spaniard?
Spic and Span.
What do you call two women in a freezer?
Cold cunts.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the door?
Matt.
What's worse than your dentist telling you you have herpes?
Your mother telling you.
What do you call two African-American motorcycle cops?
Chocolate CHiPs.
Why was Bunker Hill slimy?
"The British are coming! The British are coming!"
Why are most men so depressed?
They have cocks that can't crow.
What did the cannibals who caught a politician have for dinner?
Baloney sandwiches.
What do you do when you Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and Tampon it.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on a roll?
Frank.
Define "conceit." A mosquito with a hard-on floating down the river on
his back shouting, "Open the drawbridge!"
Why did the whorehouse in the leper colony close?
The tips weren't worth it.
What do you call a gay man who's had a vasectomy?
A seedless fruit.
What has two cherries and dances?
100 Radio City Music Hall Rockettes.
Hear about the JAP who asked her father for fifty dollars to do shopping?
"Forty dollars," He screamed, "what are you gonna do with thirty dollars?"
What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
The wrinkles.
Hear about the ninety-year-old man accused of rape?
The case was dismissed because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A two-ton pickup.
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw the light bulb and one to grease the socket.
Define "premature ejaculation" in French.
Ooh la la---so soon?
What does a house wife in Malibu wear to a funeral?
Her black tennis dress.
How does a Pole keep his dinner warm?
He puts tin foil up his nose.
Two WASPs making love:
WASP #1: "Did I hurt you?"
WASP #2: "No, why?"
WASP #1: "You moved."
Why do African-American men like pussy so much?
Because the outside looks like watermelon and the inside smells like catfish.
Why do Mexicans eat beans every day?
So they can take a bubble bath at night.
What do you call a governess who farts?
A hootenanny.
What's red and black and jumps in the air?
A baby in a toaster.
What kind of hamburgers do Italians eat?
Woppers.
What do you call a n Oriental on barbiturates?
A mello-yellow.
Why shouldn't you buy Polish goldfish?
They drown.
Why is San Francisco like granola?
Once you get past the fruit and nuts, all you have left is the flakes.
What do you do when an elephant comes n your window?
Swim for your life.
What do you call a JAP on a water bed?
The Dead Sea.
Hear about the new scratch-and-sniff stickers for lepers?
They include a nose.
What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
You have no one to talk to when you're getting a great blow job.
What's Helen Keller's favorite song?
"The Sound of Silence.
Two vain men are peeing by a river and one says, "Gee, this water's cold."
The second says, "and deep!"
Why is 68 the speed limit for a woman in bed?
Because at 69 she blows a rod.
What's the difference between the Suez Canal and Leona Helmsley?
The Suez Canal is a busy ditch.
How can you tell if a fence is electrified?
Throw a puppy at it and see if he gets fried.
How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. You gotta PROBLEM wid dat?
Define "headmaster."
Someone who's expert at giving blow jobs.
Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
The Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They covered the toilet bowl with Saran Wrap.
What do you give a hooker on her birthday?
A layer cake.
A drunk wanders into a women's bathroom and unzips his fly. "This is
for ladies! a woman shrieked. "Yeah? So's this!" he slurred.
Mommy, Mommy, I hate olives!"
"Shut up or I'll scrape your other eye out!"
What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an elephant?
Elephants eventually forget.
What's brown and squishy and wears pearls?
The Gay Rights Movement.
How was copper wire invented?
Two Jews found the same penny.
What's a cannibal's faux pas?
Talking with a foot in your mouth.
What do you call twenty-five polish women in a swimming pool?
Bay of Pigs.
How can you tell the only WASP in a sauna?
He's the one with the Wall Street Journal on his lap.
What's the African-American version of a fortune cookie?
A piece of cornbread with a food stamp in the middle.
How come they canceled the Mexico City Drivers' Ed program?
The donkey died.
What did one coconut tree say to the other?
"Hold on to your nuts, there's a big blow job coming."
Why was Moses' mother so happy?
She not only had fun in bed, she made a prophet.
Why did the undertaker serve Coke at his grandmother's funeral?
Because Coke adds life.
Hear about the Italian girl who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from
a clean shot glass?
Define "corporate virgin."
One who's new to the firm.
Why did God create armadillos?
So Mexicans would have something to eat on the half shell.
Why was the leper quarterback taken out of the game?
The last play was a handoff.
What do you call a woman with no arms or legs who likes to give blow jobs?
Hedy.
What's WASP foreplay?
An engagement ring.
What does a Valley Girl say when she goes down on an African-American?
"Gag me with a coon!"
If Tarzan and Jane were Puerto Rican, what would cheetah be?
Pregnant.
How many people does it take to bury an Italian?
Two. There're only two handles on a garbage can.
What's the worst thing about having a colostomy?
Finding shoes to match the bag.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Hooker: "You've got twenty bucks and I've got the time."
Pole: "Thanks, but I already have a watch.
Why do African-American women make such good housekeepers?
Built-in Brillo pads.
What do you call a person who can't walk through a pasture without getting shit all over their shoes?
An incowpoop.
How come the leper couldn't speak?
The cat had his tongue.
Hear about the new remedy for child molesters?
Incesticide.
What's an IUD for homos?
A fruit loop.
How do we know that Adam and Eve were Irish? Adam looked down at Eve and said, "Oh, hair" and
Eve looked down at Adam and said, "Oh, tool."
Why did Jesse Jackson decide not to run for President again?
His ancestors were caught posing for National Geographic.
Why do Mexicans drive low-riders?
So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time.
Why do Texan girls walk bowlegged?
Everything's BIG in Texas.
Wife to amorous hubby: "Honey, could you take your ring off?
It's hurting me." Husband: "Ring, hell, that's my wrist watch."
Why is sex better with sheep? They're always in the mood, never have a headache, and when you're
done, you can eat them.
How do you fit forty-seven Puerto Ricans in a Volkswagen?
Use a blender.
Seen the Canadian bumper sticker?
It says, "I'd Rather Be Driving!"
What do you call an African-American woman's tits?
Jigaboobs.
Hear they had to ban "the wave" from Cleveland Stadium?
Too many Poles were drowning.
Did you hear that Bush sent Quayle to the earthquake's epicenter?
He cabled back, "Having a great time at Disney World!"
Hear the one about the deaf mute?
Neither did he.
"Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to eat by candlelight!"
"Shut up or I'll scrape the wax out of the other ear."
What was the gay rapist charged with?
Homo-cide.
Wow did Dolly parton get two black eyes?
She went jogging and forgot to wear a bra.
Hear about the horny guy who ordered two martinis? he drank one and
poured the other on his hand, because he wanted to get his date drunk.
My dildo can do anything a man can do," the dyke sneered. "Let's see
your dildo get up and order a round of drinks," chortled the drunk.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
What happened when Tammy Bakker Cried over Jim Bakker's 45-year sentence?
”MUD SLIDE!!”
Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diapers?
So she always knew where he was.
What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?
A girl.
Polish cop #1: "Didn't I tell you to cover the exits?"
Polish copy #2: "I did. He must have left through one of the entrances."
Why do women have longer fingernails?
Deeper penetration.
Hear about the man who fell into the cesspool?
He couldn't swim, but he went through all the movements.
What's the only thing used sanitary napkins are good for?
Tea bags for vampires.
Hear about the woman who shaved her legs and rectum?
What do you call a zipper on a gay Italian's pants?
A Mediterranean fruit fly.
Hear about the basketball player who married a midget?
He was nuts over her.
What do you call a man who has a toe growing from his knee?
Tony, silly.
"Mommy, I don't like tomato soup."
"Shut up and eat--we only have it once a month."
Tarzan: "What name?"
Jane: "Jane."
Tarzan: "What whole name?"
Jane: "Cunt."
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Oz." "Oz, who?" "Oz be the new mayor!"
What four-letter word means "intercourse to a WASP?"
Talk.
What happens to an Indian (feather, not dot) who drinks too much tea?
He drowns in his tepee.
What did Quayle say when he heard about the Berlin Wall?
"Wonderful, now when are those Chinese going to take down their wall?"
What does the U.S. Board of Immigration classify Mexicans who are living legally in the U.S.?
Canadians.
How can you tell a Pole from an ape?
The ape peels the banana before eating it.
If nuts on a wall are walnuts and nuts on a chest are chestnuts, what are nuts on a chin? A blow job.
What do you get when you screw a leper?
A piece of ass.
Define "bisexual."
Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.
How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?
Wave to him.
What do you call a Mexican in an earthquake?
A jumping bean.
What do you get when you cross a WASP and an orangutan?
I don't know, but whatever it is, it won't let you in its cage.
Name five makes of American cars for African-Americans.
The Falcoon, the Jiguar, the Cooneville, the Coontinental, and the Poontang.
Hear about the guy who burned his dick and stuck it in a glass of milk to cool it off? His girlfriend saw
him and exclaimed, "So that's how you reload it!"
What's the problem with dating an ex-smoker?
He'll need something to do with his hands.
Why was the Irishman rushed to the hospital?
He tried to drink the Cutty Sark out of a bottle.
What do you call a gay Smurf?
A Smaggot.
What do you call three dead babies in a pile?
A stool.
Hear about the new Korean cookbook?
It's called 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog.
Why didn't the new Pope want to accept the position?
It meant moving into an Italian neighborhood.
What's German for "Vaseline"?
Der Wienerslider.
Why do WASPs fly so much?
For the food.
What's the worst thing about being a penis?
Your best friend is a cunt.
What are the three occasions an Italian man visits his priest?
His first communion, when he gets married, and before his electrocution.
Hear about the girl who had tits on her back?
She was ugly to look at, but a whole lot of fun to dance with.
What did the disadvantaged Jewish teenager get for Chanukah?
A domestic car.
How can you tell if an elephant is in the same dark room with you?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath.
Why is the urban cowboy's mustache all brown and scuzzy?
"He's lookin' for love in all the wrong places."
John: "Wow! Great scooter, where'd you get the motor?"
Bob: "My dad's iron lung."
John: "What did he say about that?"
Bob: "'AARRGGHHH!'"
Hear the new slogan for Clairol hair color?
"Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match."
What do you get when you cross an African-American with a Japanese?
Someone who on December seventh has an uncontrollable urge to attack Pearl Bailey.
What came out of John Lennon's head when he was shot?
Beatlejuice.
Hear about the Pole who couldn't write "Happy Birthday" on a cake?
It kept getting stuck in the typewriter.
Where do fags park?
In the rear.
Hear about the Jewish porn movie?
It's called "Debbie Does Bubkis."
What did the WASP child scream when her school was burning down?
"MY HOMEWORK!!"
Hear about the Polish/Italian soccer game?
Italy didn't show up, and three plays later the Poles won.
Why didn't God make Adam and Eve African?
Ever try to take a rib from an African-American male?
Nurse: "Why is that old man sticking out his tongue and holding up his middle finger?"
Doc: "He's showing me his sexual organs."
What's red and white and bobs up and down?
A baby in a Jacuzzi.
What do you make from frozen holy water?
Popesicles.
Secretary: "May I use your Dictaphone?"
Boss: "Use your finger like everyone else."
Hear about the retarded Arab terrorists?
They attacked the Special Olympics.
How many Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fifty. One to screw it in and the other forty nine to guard him.
Hear about the new Pan Am check-in procedure?
You choose between Smoking and Burnt-Beyond-All-Recognition.
What do you get when you cross the Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a group of Eskimos?
Cold cuts.
Define "proctologist."
A crack investigator.
What's red and white and hangs from a tree?
A baby run over by a snowblower.
What did the little African-American kid do when he overheard Santa say "Ho.ho. ho" to his mother?
He shot him.
What is Billy Martin doing now?
Managing the Angels.
How do you tell a Polish ladder from a normal one?
The Polish one has the word STOP stenciled on the top rung.
What do you get when you cross a Mongoloid and a one-legged Eskimo?
A Polaroid One-Step.
What does an African-American parrot say?
"Polly want a white woman."
Gynecologist: "Removing the vibrator is going to be a tricky and expensive operation."
Woman: "Why don't you just replace the batteries?"
What do you call a drunk with no arms or legs wrapped around a telephone pole?
Curly.
The End.

3UHIDFH

Welcome to my labor of love. This book took me several months to create, exclusively for Ebook sites. My husband said I was wasting my time with creating this book. I beg to differ. Now that he has seen the finished product he says I should stay in the Ebook business and make us rich! I don’t know about getting rich, but It does pay the bills. I have sold a few rights and plan to sell it to more Ebook sites in the future. All the pictures are Copyrighted and may only be distributed through this Ebook. I pay up my ass for the rights to them so don’t post them on your website, or give this book away as a matter of fact. Each page has one joke and a comic picture. Some pages have a very short joke and this makes for a page that has very little text on it. It may not look the best, but I wanted it to be that way. One joke, one picture, one page. Well, let’s start with some great laughter and then at the end is a bonus section called. “A Few Sick Ones For You!” Love, Lisa A.Shoemaker

PinkPassion Press Copyright ©2004

&RQWHQWV
1. Strip Club 2. A Dog Named Sex 3. To My Dearest Wife 4. My Dick Is So Big Quotes 5. Starwars Sex Quotes 6. Pussy And Bitch 7. By The Seaside 8. Bob The Sperm 9. Biting Back 10. Viagra Joke 11. Hour Of Pleasure 12. 80 Year Old Virgin 13. Income Taxes 14. Shopping Expedition 15. Microsoft Programmer 16. The Free Beer 17. Sex Problem 18. To Hell 19. Almost Married 20. Social Security Sex 21. Loud Sex 22. Solo Sex 23. Confounded Sex 24. Wedding Anniversary Sex 25. Woman’s Hour 26. The Blow Job 27. Steak And Sex 28. Shakie Shakie 29. Oral Sex Disaster 30. Making Cake 31. Double Whammy 32. What A Shame 33. GangGrene 34. Too Far In 35. All Stood Up 36. Turner Brown 37. A Foot And A Half 38. The Morning After 39. My Dog Named Sex 40. Revolutionary Inventors 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 41. Native Temptations 42. Drilling Rights 43. Psychology Major 44. 3 Newlywed Wives 45. Crack Hoe 46. Little Boys Frog 47. How Did It Happen 48. Why Chocolates Better Than Sex 49. Savior Fare 50. Questions And Answers 51. Bobbit’s In The News Again 52. Tiger Resting His Balls 53. Chinese Torture Test 54. Privates 55. Tarzan And Jane 56. Old Man And His Penis 57. Gay Guy And His Tattoo 58. Four Fingers 59. Vaseline 60. Buttons On The Airplane 61. The Cheese Sandwich 62. Three Labradors 63. Low Sperm Count 64. Artificial Insemination 65. Dirty Blind Man 66. Idiot’s Guide To Sex 67. Things Not To Say During Sex 68. Group Of Girl Friends 69. Six Children 70. Hotel Lobby Clerk 71. Doctor And Wife 72. Macho Man 73. Little Old Lady 74. The Smile Test 75. Randy The Rooster 76. The Bell System 77. My Mother 78. Doing The Dishes 79. Premature Ejaculation Problems 80. Ten Thousand Dollars 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84

Sweet Revenge 92. Three Whores 86. Not My Kind Of Date 88. Two Necrophilliacs 84. Hypothetical And Realistic 95. First Time 83. Smart Ass 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 91. How To Sell 82. Herpes 94. Creative Gestures 100. Banana Bread 98. Magic Pills 96. The Cannibals 93. Two Fleas 97. The Man And His Doctor 85. Michael Jackson 87.81. Expensive Peep Show 90.Medium Size 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 A Few Sick Ones For You! 106 . Ether 99. Limericks 89.Hong Kong Dong 101.

"Hey buddy." Our friend turned around and said. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. the dancer did another move. Seizing the opportunity. A few minutes into the show. As soon as the first dancer walked out. The guy behind our friend goes off again. he took the seat. Again the man behind our friend yelled out. revealing a very thin G-string. our friend turned around and asked. "Hey buddy. and the whole club went wild. will ya!" A few minutes later. and snatched off her dress. calm down!" After a few moments. shut the hell up. except for the man behind our friend. Curious. the dancer did a move and snatched off her top. "Say buddy. dude. revealing two pasties. "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!" The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. where's your enthusiasm now?" The guy responded. ." . "It's all over your back. "Oh baby! You're almost there!" Our friend again turned around and said.9073<) A man went to a strip club. "Yeah baby! Shake those things. the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string. the guy directly behind him yelled.

 6. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.+ . "I'm looking for Sex. "You must have been quite a strong boy. I said. "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex. "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding." When I decided to get married. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist. she asked me. I said." The Judge said. the dog ran away. "You don't understand.. I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married. "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. "Look mister. Well now I've been thrown in jail. I call mine Sex. . we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. "You don't understand. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. Sex has been very embarrassing to me. He said. When we checked into the motel. Sex keeps me awake at night.(4. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace." He called me a show off.. been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. I spent hours looking all over for her. I couldn't live any longer so lonely. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over." -. "I would like to have one too!" Then I said." and the doctor said. My family is barred from the church from then on. "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.." The clerk said." .." He replied. I said.? Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". When my wife and I separated. "I hoped to have Sex on TV. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon.My case comes up next Thursday. Now. I took the dog with me. "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. . I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. I said. "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest." I said. I said. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. "Your Honor. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. "You don't understand. I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog. But before the competition began. I have had Sex since I was nine years old. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.

The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often: We will wake the kids .26 times Sunburn .21 times Watching the late show . I have attempted to make love to you 365 times.42 times It's too early .9 times Headache or backache .19 times Of the 36 times that I DID succeed. !6@. the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there.26 times New hairdo .12 times It's too hot . which is an average of only once every 10 days.(9.31 times The neighbors will hear . I have succeeded 36 times.17 times Too sore . Let's try to improve this. 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling.54 times It's too late .$0-.10 times Your mother will hear us .6 times Wrong time of the month . During the past year.15 times I'm too tired . and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. shall we?? Love. Your Hubby . 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.:.9 times Not in the mood .14 times You had to go to the bathroom .18 times Pretending to be asleep . 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished.

My dick is so big. it lives next door. koo koo ga joob. My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee. I went to The Viper Room and My dick got right in. My Dick. My dick is so big.: My dick is so big. My dick is so big.<6. My dick is so big. My dick is so big. My dick is so big. My dick is so big. there's still snow on it in the summertime. My dick is so big. . My dick is so big. clowns climb out of it when I cum. My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen My balls in pictures. No matter where I go. I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow. it won't return Spielberg's calls. My dick is so big. I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first. I had to stand and argue with the doorman. My dick is so big. My dick was once the ambassador to China. My dick always gets there first. there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. and third. My dick is a better dresser than I am. it has casters. second. it has a three-picture deal.. it votes. My dick has better credit than I do. it graduated a year ahead of me from high school. My dick takes longer lunches than I do. My dick is so big. its a tight fit when I'm bangin' your loose momma! My dick is so big. Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run. My dick is so big. My dick has an elevator and a lobby. My dick is the Walrus. @0*2: 60. it was overthrown by a military coup. Dick in front of company. ships use it to find their way into the harbor. My dick is so big. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick. My dick is so big. I have to call it Mr.

at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?' 'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.' 'I never knew I had it in me. huh kid?' 'Possible he came in through the south entrance.' 'That's okay. . golden-rod.' 'Aren't you a little short for a storm-trooper?' 'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.' 'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me. Judge me by my size.' 'Rise.' 'Hurry up.. point that thing someplace else. huh? Good idea!' 'She's gonna blow!' 'I think you'll fit in nicely. Come. kid.. thanks for coming after me -.' 'You've got something jammed in here real good. come.now I owe you one..' 'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!' .' 'I look forward to completing your training. I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while. I've felt it.' 'But now we must eat. my friend.' 'Size matters not.: 'Get in there you big furry oaf.' 'Hey. control! You must learn control!' 'Hey. but she's got it where it counts... I wasn't fast enough!' 'She may not look like much..' 'Back door.' 'There is good in him.?<6.' 'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that.(9>(9: . good food.' 'Look at the size of that thing!' 'Curse my metal body. In time you will call me master. do you?' 'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.' 'Sorry about the mess. I don't care what you smell!' 'Luke.. Luke.' 'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!' 'Control.

Dad says "Son. so what's a bitch?" "Son" he says. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf. everything inside this circle." "OK dad.pussy and bitch. takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says. pussy is a cat like our little Mittens. "son.*/ A kid comes home from school and says to his mom. I told you never to go to mom with these matters. she cant handle them. She says "Oh That's no big deal. is pussy. She asks him what they are. "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know." . and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." She says "Tell me. What are the words?" He tells him.. He says to his dad." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.. He says "well. "everything outside that circle. <::@5+0. "Mom I've got a problem. pussy and bitch"." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.

(:0+. the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie. "Yes. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. As the cloud of sand began to settle. "Hello. I do. Goldie asked. then returned to his book." she said. attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. Goldie persisted. Undaunted. ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. "Do you like pussycats?" With that." he responded. "How did you know my name was Katz?" . "Do you like movies?" "Yes. "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied. Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted. I do. ." he said politely before returning to his reading. Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida. @!/. sir.

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So. with a smirk.94 Once there was a sperm named Bob. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back. 7. when the time comes. 6)!/. I'm gonna be the first one there". The others told him it was just destiny. "back up boys it's a BLOW JOB!" . They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. "Why don't you just swim around like us?" Bob replied. "well. Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day. but he said it wasn't. The others asked him why he turned around and he said. When all the other sperm were just swimming around. the day finally came when they were called upon.

so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said." This was beyond a silence response. "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable.05. "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra. "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.(*2 One morning while making breakfast. . 0. With a death grip in place she said. a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says. she thought herself better and replied with silence.

" "I see. "It makes you feel like a man of 30. Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? .9(62." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably ." he said." said the doctor.You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride. he took the Viagra pill." "Well.A guy who is ready to go but doesn't really care where." Did you hear about the side-effects of the Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it slowly. But just as he was expecting her. An hour before she was due home. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for. In a panic. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. "It is a pity to waste it. A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours.if you took two. #0(."It's the greatest invention ever." . "What should I do?" he asked. he phoned the doctor. could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with the maid. Do you have a maid?" "Yes. What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac? . Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home. you'll get a stiff neck.

(:<9. The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. but how do you make it last an hour?" . "We live today in very difficult times for young people. "Excuse me. "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said. 6<9-3. In moments of temptation." she said.

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The good news is you don't have crabs." . So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin. The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. but the doctor didn't believe her.(93+#09. the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.05 There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area.&. The second doctor gave her the same answer. so she went to get a second opinion. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

Carlos was with an even bigger. Now Tony. pretending to be happy.even more then you did. died. Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead. only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. So off he went with this enormous woman. Carlos. Jon replied. After everytime we have sex. Tony. and I'm definitely not complaining. When he was sent to be judged. and Carlos replied. "Damn income taxes!" . This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead. "I have no idea." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women. while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Stunned. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. stupid. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess. butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. this man. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on.. he was told that he had committed a sin. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes. uglier woman than he was with..!(?. "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money. and their two beastly women were walking along. he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. she rolls over and murmur's to herself. 5*64.: One day.) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound. As he was walking along. and that he could not go to heaven right away.

Come into my humbleshop. The Pakistani man said to them.065 A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such. "I have some special sandals 1 think you'd be interested in. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming. The husband asked the man. In a blink of an eye. he got this wild look in his eyes. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet. after much badgering from his wife. "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied." So the married couple walked in. the husband. being the sex hero he was." Well. threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. the husband rushed the Pakistani man. "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET" . but her husband felt he really didn't need them. finally conceded to try them on. "You foreigners Come in. /67705. the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say.?7. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel. when they passed a small sandal shop.+0.raw sexual power. something his wife hadn't seen in many years -.

" "The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be. "Well. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage. Somebody asked her how that could be possible." .96." she said.9(44. 0*96:6-." "The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.9 A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. then silence.. Man: Well. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping. you can't make a face while doing it. THIRD. SECOND. I won't do it. as much as I would love free beer. Well. The man staggers back into the bar. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?" . there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. the WHOLE thing at once AND. as time goes on and the man drinks a few. You gotta make things right for her. !/. "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands. there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth. FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila.9 A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is..you have to remove it with your bare hands..9.. and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Bartender: "Well.. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there. he asks.

said our hero.4 A bloke goes to the doctor and says... "No. "Tell me about your average day".?96)3.. said the patient doctor.now I see". said the doctor. said our man.. said the quack.". "it hurts when I masturbate" ... said the bloke.. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom". "No. it all starts in the middle of the night.. a very demanding lady I might add.. hang on". has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack". meet this girl compartment to way there". "Oh. "What's your problem?". Ahh. asked the doc. said man. "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards". says the quack.. "now I see.now I see". "Now I understand".". "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie". he said. "No no no".. said the quack.". the doc. .. "Well". said the when I get on the train to work I every day and we get a ourselves and have sex all the "Oh. "No. hang on".. "Oh I see". "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss. said our hero. "Well. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work". there's more".". "I got this sex problem. "Well.you see. "No you don't". doc"..

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Whichever you choose.33 A man dies and goes to Hell. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. I've found you're replacement." The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. pick a room. the person in that room will switch with you. So go on. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. "I choose this room!" the man says. !6. "You can go now. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman." the devil says. "Very well. The devil greets him. "You may choose which room you wish to enter." .

"Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replied.. Later on.+ A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old.maybe on your anniversary. And she yells. Then as you get older. He asked how often you should have it." . and I holler back.. you want it all the time. 346:. "Fuck You". "Fuck you too. sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. The young fellow then asked his grandfather.... "Well. you are lucky to have it once a year.(990. "She goes to bed in her bedroom. His grandfather told him that when you first get married.and maybe do it several times a day. we just have oral sex now. and I go to bed in my bedroom.." grandpa said. "Oh." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Yeah. you know: I get a little each month. "Social Security sex?" The first man asked in concern. nothing special.*<90.@ . I'm having Social Security sex. how's your sex life?" one asked. "Oh. 6*0(3 .? Two old men sitting on a park bench were talking as they were watching quite a few sexy female joggers pass by. but not enough to live on!" ." The other commented. "So.

I don't see what the problem is." the shrink said. doctor. "that's completely natural. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes. "It wakes me up!" .? A wife went in to see a therapist and said. "I've got a big problem. he lets out this ear splitting yell." "The problem is." "My dear. 6<+ ." she complained.

but never came home with anything. She was so happy with her new toy that he told her were he bought it. 636 . He enjoyed his toy also. They simply ran out of Ideas. "You're never home!" . the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session. Well. I bought you a 10 inch dildo and me a dime sized hairy pussy pumper. "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied. She smiled in total excitement. Snatching the dildo from his hand she began ridding the toy like it was a carnival ride. The husband began shopping at the Adult book store and found some toys to spice things up. Finally their sex life became dull and drab. Tired of a listless sex life. “What do you have here?” The wife asked. in the park and even the dressing room at the shopping mall clothing store. The husband made more visits to the sex shop.? A married couple spent many years in bed.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood. The man answered.500 for "medium. since it was considered cosmetic. . "Well." The man was sure he would want a medium or large.500 for "small. and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. The doctor said the cost would be $3. The man talked to his wife when he arrived at home and explained their options. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen". but that his insurance wouldn't cover it. $6.000 for "large.+ . what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.? A man was in a terrible accident. $14. 65-6<5+. He went back to the hospital and the doctor came into the room. but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife a few days before he made any decision. and found the man looking dejected.

The husband yells. I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband ." "Yeah.Cold As Ever'. I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife .9:(9@ . "When you die. $." she replied.Stiff At Last.550=.? A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.' .++05. "When you die.

“How long til it cums?” . juicy. The man says. "I'll miss you. He couldn't get back in. I squirted it all over the doorknobs." The woman says. $64(5:6<9 My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said. When he went out of the bedroom." A man told his wife that he bought her a great. mail-order dildo..." He was right.. big. "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.. "This will make you happy tonight. A couple is lying in bed. She asked.

36>16) A Man walks into a bar and orders six double bourbons and the barman asks the man what his troubles were. "I have just had my first blowjob". said the customer "In fact I am celebrating". "No Thanks". "Celebrating what?" asked the barman. said the man "If six don't get rid of the taste nothing will!" . "No troubles". "In that case let me give you a seventh double on the house" replied the barman. came the reply. !/.

Guaranteed! . Saucy Wife – Bad. 1) Your wife is not 100% fat free. 2) Saucy steak – Good.(25+ . 7) Steak is better burnt around the pink than pussy. . 4) You don’t get that empty feeling when you order steak at the hotel. 6) Steak juices taste better than your wife’s juices. 5) After your done eat’n steak. you don’t get little curly hairs in your teeth. 8) The hole in the rib-eye is much tighter than the hole in your cat. Ten Ways Steak is Better Than Sex 10) A bruised eye heals faster with rotten steak than rotten pussy. 3) You can’t get arrested for eating premature steak. 9) That’s the only meat your wife allows you to beat.. I have them both the same way – bloody and rare.? Steak and sex are two of my favorite things.

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her daughter comes to take her mother for a weekend visit. you can. When the woman returns to the nursing home. /(20. After a few days. He looks at her for a second and says. "What does SHE have that I don't have?!" she screams. After a few weeks.. She decides to go over and talk to him. They have a blanket across their laps. "He's lonely. "Yeah.. but only if you'll hold my dick. /(20. holding his dick. I'm lonely. She asks if she can sit with him awhile." Finally. She gets a blanket to put over their laps and she sits next to him every day. The first woman knows what the second woman is doing. the first thing she sees is the man on the porch next to another elderly woman. But then she thinks. "Parkinson's. An elderly woman moves into a nursing home. The man just smiles and says. She storms up the steps and starts yelling at the man." At first she's horrified and outraged. she agrees. Her daughter helps her unpack and get settled in." . all by himself. the woman notices a male resident who sits out on the porch every day.

. Happily." the husband starts crying.?0:(:. 9(3 . what doctor asks.. the doctor runs to the husband and tells him what had happened and tells him to perform oral sex on her because it might liven her up a bit. "Well. While doing so." . but he comes back out 20 minutes later.. The husband franticly runs in the room and quickly pulls out her choppers and starts performing oral sex on her. "She choked. "Why?" the doctor says. he accidentally grazes dreamingly at her breast and she moans. and one day the doctor walks in to change her IV bag. very sad looking. happened." the "She's dead.9 An old man's wife is in coma at the hospital.

" So they go home and the next day. so the boy asks his father what they are doing. I know what you and mom were doing last night. the boy says to his dad." The boy says. A young boy and his dad go to the beach and there is a couple making out. "They're making a cake.(2." The next day they go to the zoo and there are two monkeys getting it on and a the boy asks his dad. you were baking a cake. "Because I licked the frosting off the sheets this morning. His dad replies. "They're baking a cake. "What are they doing?" His dad replies. (205. "Oh." The father asks the boy." . "How do you know?" The boy replies with a big grin.

Worked for me!” The man wasn’t sure what to think of his friends extraordinary idea and looked at him with a quizzical gaze in his eye. she can go fuck herself.$/(44@ A man is looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. . "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a great vibrator." His friend replies. 6<)3. and after walking through the mall for hours he gives up and goes to the bar. He sees a good friend of his sitting at the bar. His friend explains that if she doesn't like the slippers. so he goes over to him and says. " I will buy you a drink if you can give me some ideas about what to buy my wife for Christmas.

she kills herself. Two guys and a girl are stranded on a deserted island. the two guys are so ashamed of what they are doing. $/(. After another week. . After another week they are so ashamed of what they are doing. they dig her back up. After a week the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing. they bury her. /(4.

"The Doctor examined the problem." the Doctor pronounces. The doctor calls in the first guy with the red ring leaving Harry and the other sufferer nervously awaiting their fate. drops his trousers and asks where the cream is kept. but its green The third guy admits that this ring he has is orange. Harry then admits that he too has a line round the top of his penis. full of confidence. There's no noise and after about 15 minutes the guy re-appears with a big grin on his face. They've recovered OK. The Doctor looks at Harry over the top of his glasses. And that was it! The ring had gone!" The other guy appears and starts to tell the same story and of the similar treatment just as the Doctor calls for Harry. "I've got some bad news for you Harry. (5.9. The doctor reappeared and called the guy with the orange ring into the consulting room."there's all the difference in the world between removing lipstick and dealing with gangrene!" . "Can't you just give me the cream like you did for the other two guys. and proceeds to examine Harry's appendage with great concern. "Nothing to it. " he said. "we will have to amputate your penis as soon as possible!" Harry sinks into a chair in disbelief and horror. Harry goes to he doctor's and sits in a queue between to other guys." "Well Harry. coated on some cream and after ten minutes told me to wash it all off. picks up a wooden spatula. Harry wanders in." says the doc." inquired Harry.5. "So what happened. They start talking and one admits to having a red ring round the top of his penis. "Piece of cake" the other guy replies.

When she gets all her clothes off. "Go get help. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. She replies. When she arrives." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says. and runs to the gas station down the road. will you take off all your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. "I can't. "I think it's too late. !66(95 A young couple was out carousing one evening.he's too far in!" ." he pleads. While driving down the highway. I'm naked. covers herself between the legs. the guy says to the girl. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over. "If I go 100 miles and hour. she is frantic and yells to the attendant. "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road. "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment." She takes the shoe.

keep me potent. unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and said." The pharmacist reaches under the counter. you'll go nuts for twelve hours. I've never had three girls at once. The man says." The guy says. if you eat this. and the skin is hanging off in some places. "No. 33 . goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. it's for my arms the girls didn't show up. "Listen.. "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?" The man says. "Here.. "Gimme three boxes. and I need something to keep me horny. "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay. I have three girls coming over tonight.66+"7 A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist." The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy." The pharmacist replies." . The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue.

15 inch penis. the little guy says." The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. 350 pounds. right testicle. but what EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says. 2 lb. slapping his face and shaking him. 15 inch penis. "7 feet tall. 350 pounds. looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. left testicle. right testicle.996>5 A little guy goes into an elevator. !<95. Turner Brown. I'm 7 feet tall. 2 lb. looks down and says. This big dude kneels down and brings him to." The small guy says. 2 lb. "Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around!" . "Excuse me. 2 lb. left testicle. "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him. and my name is Turner Brown. "What's wrong with you?" In a very weak voice.

Go upstairs and he'll treat you well. the newlyweds went back to her mother's house. She ran back downstairs and said. The Italian tradition for newlyweds is to remain virgins until they're married and then sleep at the girl's mother's house on their wedding night. "All good men have hairy legs. "Mamma! Mamma! He has a hairy chest!" Her mom said. After the wedding. the man took off his shirt." When she got upstairs he took off his socks. She ran back downstairs and said. Go upstairs and he will treat you well. 66." When she got upstairs. "He's a good man. "Stay here! This is job for Mamma!" ." Her mom said." When she got upstairs. he took off his pants. She noticed that half his foot was missing. Go upstairs and he will treat you well. "I don't want to go up there. "All good men have hairy chests.5+(3An Italian woman married an Italian man. "Mamma! Mamma! He has hairy legs!" Her mom said. "Mamma! Mamma! He has a foot and a half!" Her mom said. She ran downstairs and said. The man went up stairs and the woman stayed to talk to her mom. She said.

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." The husband replies. you're really a lousy lover. and the wife says. "You know. !/.469505.-. "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?" .9 It's the morning after the honeymoon.

" He said he didn't care what she looked like. "But you don't understand. "You don't need a special room. "Now that cable is all over the place. "Funny .(4." I said. "Look. I spent hours looking around town for him. My case comes up Friday. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest." He winked and said. looking disappointed. Sex keeps me awake at night.I have the same problem. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there. . I've had Sex since I was 9 years old. "You don't understand. As long as you pay your bill. Sex ran off again. He said." He said. A cop came over to me and asked. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." When I got married and went on my honeymoon. I entered Sex in a contest. "You must have been quite a kid.+ % Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy"." The clerk said." One day." He is a great pal. I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex." Last night. I said. I took the dog with me." I said. I said "But this is a dog. you don't seem to understand. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license. the dog ran away. but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. I call mine "Sex. we don't care what you do. but before the competition began. Then. @6. He said. too!" Then. it's no big deal any more. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "I'd like one. "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him I was looking for Sex.

" "Well. Ford asks. you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven. more men are riding my invention than yours.=63<. . "Hold on.. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.065(9@5=. "Well. and waits for the results. types in a few keystrokes. When Ford gets to Adam." "Hmmmmm." So Henry Ford thinks about it and says. As a reward. He then says to Ford. "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says. the first man." says Ford." says Adam.5." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. "Yes. but according to the stellar computer. "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1) There is too much front end protrusion 2) It chatters at high speeds 3) The rear end wobbles too much 4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust." . At the gates." So Adam goes to the celestial computer. you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world.69: Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. "I want to hang out with Adam. "It may be that my invention is flawed. the guy tells Ford.

" . so he wrote her a letter.47." he wrote. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying. "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "My love. "we are going to be apart for a very long time. "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said.065: A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. "First let's see you play that harmonica. (.!. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife.0=. "Darling" he said. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls.(.

" snapped the oil man. you don't own her!" "Damn right. brunette married a skinny rich Texas oil tycoon. "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights! . "I don't know if that will fly. The Woman quickly turned around and replied. Needless to say. but she did it anyways. the Texas oil tycoon demanded that some divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property. 903305." the tycoon rejoined.0. "What's the problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract. Are you?” Storming into his lawyer's office. she was very cautious and apprehensive about flipping over and being inspected./. Two months later he asked her to bend over so he could inspect her land line. “Your not using that tiny piledriver.: A young. streetsmart. “Looks like a winner!” The Texas tycoon said." said the lawyer. fat.

After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in and sits beside him. "I'm sorry about that little incident but you see I'm a psychology graduate and I wanted to see how people react to embarrassing situations. Would you like me to buy you a drink?" The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her lungs: "WHAT? YOU WANT TO FUCK ME? NO WAY!" Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the people are staring at the guy as the woman was leaving. The guy gets really embarrassed and stands still on his stool as if nothing had happened. approaches him and tells him. " Hi. He starts thinking about talking her into bed with him and kindly turns to her." The guy then yells: "WHAT? TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB?" .@(169 A guy goes in a bar and orders for a beer. :@*/636. After a while the same woman walks in.

"Mhuh. stares at them with ambiguous satisfaction in her whole body. "Hey John. although one of them claims she won't be eating anything. "Last night my husband put his whole hand inside me!" The second bride. proudly takes her turn at once. .+$0=. although moving very clumsily. come out and say hello to Sarah and Pam!" . my husband put his whole arm inside me!" Then. The next morning all three of the women meet in the hall and decide to have a little breakfast together and to gossip about their wedding night.>3@>. both women look at the third one who. looks down on her hip and cries out to it... The first starts enthusiastic.: Three recently married couples spend their honeymoon's first night in the same hotel. not surprised at all.

 9(*26. Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? A Prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again! .

who is very fond of little boys. my mom will take a long time in the kitchen with the milkman. The woman. Most of the town has herpes because they had fucked her. then in the morning when my dad goes to work.6@:96. He had heard about this house where you could go and have sex with any woman. There was a 12 year old boy named David. when my mom and dad go out tonight they're going to leave me at home with the babysitter.. There was one woman who had herpes. then he'll come back home and screw my mom. she was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen. And that is the mother fucking bastard who ran over my fucking frog!" . dad will drive the babysitter home and he'll have a quickie with her. When my mom and dad get home. The little boy responded and said.3. But. Well. asks the little boy why he is carrying the dead frog. An hour and half later the boy is ready to leave. When a woman answered he said that he would like to have sex with the one lady that has herpes. curious. He is still carrying his frog. "Well if you must know. Looking astonished the woman agrees. 0. one day the little boy was dragging a dead frog on a string up to the door of the house.

right after I'd gone to bed.5 The doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I reckon not. "No." said the doctor. doc. "Well.. 25 years ago . I told her. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. I fell off the roof!" . "Excuse me. "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.. this morning." I said. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.(77." I replied. when I first started working on the farm." "Never mind the past. 6>0+.25 years ago.. "I'm sure." the farmhand explained.." "Like I was saying. that night. everything is fine. the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. "when it dawned on me what she meant.

.

With chocolate size doesn't matter. Good chocolate is easy to find.. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.:. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. You are never too young or too old for chocolate. You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.? You can GET chocolate. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. $/@/6*63(. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.. . Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.9. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate./(5 .

 (=609(9. “No. May I pour you a drink?” That’s Savoir Fare! The 3rd Frenchman says. Can you tell me what that is?” 1st Frenchman says. “Please.” That’s Savoir Fare.” If you CAN CONTINUE. He asks the three Frenchmen at the table next to him. that’s Savoir Fare! . you’re having sex with another man’s wife and he walks in on you and says. You’re having sex with another man’s wife and he walks in on you and says. no. “Excuse me. all my life I’ve heard about Savoir Fare. An American is in a restaurant in Paris. “Ah. continue. “Please. You’re having sex with another man’s wife and he walks in on you and says. continue. continue. 2nd Frenchman says. “No. no. “Please.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A: To find a tight seal.9: Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: 1 U. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68.we're closed. "Lie to me!" Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q: What's the height of conceit? A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence. and moaning. Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on. at 69 you have to turn around.:. Q: What's the definition of macho? A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.  <.S.065:5+5:>. leader Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float. Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face. Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration. . but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough. Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it .

She has been charged with a 'misdeweiner'. And now to more serious news…… Lorena Bobbit's sister was arrested. for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage.:5!/. The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. Unfortunately the juice from the worms made her sick in the stomach. . yesterday. She bit into 669 apples.>:.(05 News Flash! A 10 year old girl sets the wide world record of bobbing for apples.  6))0..

 !0. "They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger Woods. says the Irish man. son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods. "Jaysus".. "And what would dey be for then?" enquires the Irish man. "What are dey. "Top o the morning to you young fella!" As Tiger leans over to get out of the car two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "Dem boys at Buick just tink of everyting!" .:. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner.0:(33: Tiger Woods drives his Buick into a Petrol Station in Cork during his tour of Ireland.9.05. unaware as to who the golf pro is.

" "Okay. when the man came down to eat (after showering). You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter.!69. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying. "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock. "What do you want?" The man said.<9. The old man squinted his eyes and asked." The old Chinese man replied. many months without sex. One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. Okay. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out." The old Chinese man said. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. She was an absolute pearl." The man.:. "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn't see any other buildings in the area. However. thinking to himself. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. The man crept back to his room later that night. That night. That night. A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. Outside the window was a third sign saying." "What a lame torture test. he had gone many. he saw smoke coming out of the chimney. On the rock was a sign that said." the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time.!." The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed. so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. I'll let you come in on one condition.:.  /05. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. "Okay." . I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest. readily agreed. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man. "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest." The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. exhausted and hungry." the man said as he entered the old house. he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. "Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost. and while he had only been lost three weeks.

"But we're sergeants now. "We're sergeants now. there's the Officer's Club." So Chris goes to look it up. I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink. Chris. go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. Chris." says Toby. "Hey." Toby pulls his friend to the side and whispers. they're out for a walk and Toby says." she says. Toby.  90=(." he says. "Your cute. in the dictionary. "We're sergeants now. comes back. Three weeks later Toby is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. it say gonorrhea affects only the privates. "Why'd you give me the okay?" "Well.. and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Toby. pulling him inside. give me the okay sign." . "Chris." protests Chris." So they have their drink. pointing at his stripes. and gives Toby the big okay sign." "But we're privates. "Now. but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea. If it's okay." He points to his stripes. Let's you and me stop in." says Chris. Not long after. "Chris. "and I'd like to screw you." "But we're privates.: Toby and Chris have been promoted from privates to sergeants. "You blind?" asks Toby.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. "you must put it in here. stepped closer with his huge erection... !(9A(55+(5. Jane explained to him what sex was. and during her questions about his life. she was attracted to him... When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle. she asked him how he had sex.." he replied.. Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees!" . "Oh." Horrified.." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong.. Tarzan said. but I will show you how to do it properly." Tarzan removed his loincloth. she said. and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed. Tarzan not know sex..

" the man replied!!! . "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers. The receptionist nodded approvingly. waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist became irritated and said. "And what is wrong with your ear sir?" "I can't piss out of it. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private. the receptionist asked." The man walked out." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you. 3+(55+0:. "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that. As he approached the desk. may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my penis. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear" he stated.50: An old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. "Because" replies the receptionist." he said." he replied. "Yes sir.

give us a look. "Oh good lord " the gay guy blurted out. On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall this time Mike Tyson.. On returning home his boyfriend says " Well drop your trousers. can you do him on my other cheek please." He dropped his pants to reveal his new art work.66 One gay guy decides to have a tattoo done. can you do him on the cheek of my ass??" he asked the tattoo artist.. So it was done.. " Oh I'm not getting in the ring with those two!" . lovey?" So it was done.. on which the boyfriend returned in fright. (@<@5+0:!(. On arrival to the tattoo artist he spots a picture of Frank Bruno. "I just adore big Mike. "Oh he's my favorite darling.

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6<905.9: Sean and his cousin James were out fishing together on a boat in the middle of nowhere." Jason looked over and pointed out. Later that night……. Astonished. While standing at the urinal Sean confessed.. Sean thought how nice it would be to swing like that. "but I'm pissing on three of them. and they went into the toilet to take a leak. Rob suddenly had to take a leak." "I know. "But you're holding yours with four fingers." . so he unzipped his trousers had gabbed himself with four fingers and took care of business." said Sean. "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his. Sean and his buddy Jason were in a bar.

#(:,305,
Grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

 <;;65:5!/,0973(5,
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said, "You may us the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladiesrestroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

 !/,/,,:, (5+>0*/
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am." The man replies "Well then, wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

I dig up the carpets. a pillow. the table. and black. the drapes. But the final straw was last night." the dejected yellow lab said. Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for." came the reply from the chocolate lab. I'm a humper. "So.. I'll hump the cat.  !/9. Yesterday. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says.()9(+69: Three Labrador retrievers." The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks." The black lab says. When I'm inside. "Looks like Prozac for me too. "I'll hump anything. It works for everything. "All the vets are prescribing it. I'm here to get my nails clipped." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. huh?" The black lab says. fire hydrants. chocolate." ." The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say. the cat. "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac. when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed. I dig just for the hell of it. Prozac for you too. the kids. I piss on everything – the sofa. I dig under fences. "No. "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says. "So why are you here?" The chocolate lab replies. dig up flowers and trees. I want to hump everything I see. are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. "I'm a pisser. yellow. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." the black lab says. and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away. "I'm a digger. whatever.

" The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar. first with the teeth in. "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow. but. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too. The doctor gave the man a jar and said. A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied. with nothing. nothing.  6> 7. Then I tried with-my left hand. it's like this: First I tried with my right hand.the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well. then with the teeth-out. Then her left. which is as clean and empty as on -. but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!" .even tried with her mouth.946<5. and still nothing. "yep. but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. but nothing. but still nothing.tried with her right hand. She . She . doc.

has sex with them all. After several weeks. The next morning.405(. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but. He drives them out to the woods. lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. he concludes that the first try didn't take. and calls a vet for help." she says.. falls listlessly into bed.. Next morning. Seeing that they are all still standing around. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will. he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. he loads the pigs into his truck. One more try. etc. bangs each pig twice for good measure.0-0*0(35:. "No. So. he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.. bacon.  9. brings them back and goes to bed. He spends all day shagging the pigs and. instead. Next morning. upon returning home. he wakes and looks out at the pigs. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. not wanting to display his ignorance. he tells himself. only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. . and loads them in the truck again. he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant. brings them back and goes to bed. and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. hoping to breed them for ham.065 A farmer buys several pigs. "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. drives them out into the woods.

"I hope you took at least some precautions.." "My goodness Frank. I may be blind. "Well. but I ain't senile yet doc. "not bad at all to be honest. and at your age too. The doctor asks him about his sex life. 09." the man drawled. so I just cruise around." .. none of whom were over thirty years old. I gave 'em all a phony name. The wife ain't all that interested anymore." the doctor said.@305+(5 A dirty blind man visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine." "Yep. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls.

?<0+." she's not referring to a commercial break. There is no need for dice in role playing. 3. 4. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth. 8. 1.Accept no substitutes. If you engage in oral sex first. +06. it's not called a head start. If she says she's into "bondage. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.: . When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time. 5. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway. 6. 10. 9. You can lie down during a one-night stand. . Sex is like "The Club" . 2. 7." don't show her your financial portfolio.

And to think -. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober. really. let's turn off the lights. will ya! But I just brushed my teeth..I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. dear? My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? You mean you're NOT my blind date? .6 (@<905.? But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? A little rug burn never hurt anyone! But whipped cream makes me break out. No. Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? On second thought..:6.. I do this part better myself! You're almost as good as my ex! Did you come yet... Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up. !/05. . You're good enough to do this for a living! Did I remember to take my pill? Are you positively sure I don't know you from somewhere? That leak better be from the waterbed! If you quit smoking you just might have more endurance.. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! I think you have it on backwards..

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" Since they were without their boyfriends. they are also single. On the fourth floor. but there were still two more floors. "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women. "All the men here are horrible lovers. but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor had to offer before they settled for the fourth.. there is a sign that reads: "There are no men here. are perfect lovers. the sign was perfect: "All the men here have perfect builds. The sign on the second floor reads. When they reach the fifth floor. It's easy to decide." . 96<7-093-90. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman. rich and straight. and on the first floor the sign reads. you can stay there. but they are sensitive and kind". The Bouncer. "All the men here are wonderful lovers. "We have 5 floors. but they generally treat women badly.5+: A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five-story hotel with a sign that read. "For Women Only." So they start going up." The women seemed pleased. move on to the next floor.. they decided to go in." This wasn't going to do. explains to them how it works." This was good. go up floor by floor.. the friends laugh and. so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read. since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. and once you find what you are looking for. without hesitation. are sensitive and attentive to women. a very attractive guy..

One night they go to a fancy party. He shouts at the top of his voice. irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back: "Anytime you're ready. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. Father of Four!" . and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. The man decides that it's time to go home. 0?/03+9. "Shall we go home Mother of six?" His wife.5 A man had sex with his wife adamantly until they had six children and was very proud of there achievement.

A few minutes later. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste.36))@3. he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does. "Ma'am. saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.  6. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. his elbow goes into her breast." A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. What's yours?" He coolly replies. He wants to ask the clerk a question." responded the young man. this is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah." "Well. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.. "if your penis is as hard as your elbow. "Tonto Kawalski. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years." "No offence. in that case. He asks her about it and she replies.92 A man is in a hotel lobby." One night. On doing this she lets out a sigh. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. nothing will. As he turns to go to the front desk. if your heart is as soft as your breast. he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. nice to meet you. let me give you a 7th on the house. my name is Jill. I'm in room 1221. The man turns to her and says." A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. as a couple lay down for bed. rejected. the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. sir. my first blowjob. the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex. They are both quite startled. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "I think she choked. From this." She replies. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey." ." The husband. know you'll forgive me. turns over and tries to sleep. By the way. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. "And you are no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house.695+$0-." "In bed this late? Doing what?" he asked. The wife comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated doctor says "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says. The doctor gets up in a rage and says. A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table." . She replied. "Getting a second opinion.  6*. "I was in bed.

Those are my rules. YOUR way!” . laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want. And I’ll give you your massage. fishing. I'll go hunting. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Any comments?" She replied. boozing. if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.  (*/6(5 Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding. “Sure.

Flipping her gown at him. “Supersex!" The old man sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her. “I’ll take the soup.3. she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and said out loud.63+(+@ A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. ”Supersex! Supersex!” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. As she walked.” . she again said. Finally he answered.  0.

" The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year". "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answers. Using the size of the person's smile. he fills up an auditorium with people. The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working. To prove his theory. the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line.:. "Twice a day. "Tonight's the night!" .  !/." the therapist guesses. and goes down the line. who is grinning from ear to ear.!." "Twice a month?" "No. "Twice a week?" "No. "Once a day. asking each person to smile. and asks the man. then?" Again the answer is no. but is surprised when the man says no. A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters. 403. so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money. The farmer is distraught. I tried to get you to slow down. and he wants chicks.." the farmer says with a chuckle. named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got.9 This farmer has about 200 hens. The farmer. I want you to pace yourself now. The other farmer says.He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. giving the rooster a pep talk. So. and you cost me a lot of money and. saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal. no problem. I've got this great rooster. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. "Randy. he buys Randy. Buzzards are circling overhead. "Shhh. they're getting closer. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons. the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob. I told you to pace yourself. but no rooster." Well. in the middle of the yard. "Oh Randy. nods toward the sky and says.66:. (5+@!/." . You've got a lot of chickens to service here. So. Randy seems to understand. take your time and have some fun. Wham--. he's in with the ducks. so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale. Sure enough. but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. now look what you've done to yourself. I'll need you to do a good job. "yeah. still as a rock. shakes his head and says." Randy opens one eye. Wham---He gets all the geese.

4 A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse. "What is four bells?" "Let out more hose.... SHE yells "Four Bells. Your nowhere near the fire!" ... The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system. and three bells meant start fooling around. !/.. He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off. two bells meant get into bed.33 @:." "Four Bells?" the fire chief asks.. he hollered "One Bell" and she took off her clothes. He hollered "Three Bells" and they started fooling around like crazy.. he said that they would have sex on the bell system. He hollered "Two Bells" and she got into bed.... A few minutes later.

"You don't suppose she took it. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. "Ever since your mother came to dinner. and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house. but I assure you. his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was." Several days later." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother. @6. I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle." About a week later. she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. while watching the two interact. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.9 John invited his mother over for dinner. do you?" Julie said. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed. Mom" . Reading his mom's thoughts. but I'll write her a letter just to be sure. she would have found the gravy ladle by now. John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son. I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie. Love. I doubt it. Julie and I are just roommates. "I know what you must be thinking. Julie came to John and said. Over the course of the evening. John volunteered. During the meal./. "Well.

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We haven't done any since. where she is outside waiting for him. his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!" . and nobody is saying a word. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents.!/.: Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. her dad is boiling. But still there is complete silence at the table. and it starts to rain. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them. So Steve decides to have a little fun. and her mother a little happier. Steve remembers his motorcycle. don't say a word. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder. 605. Upon witnessing this. Anyway. He finally finds one for a great price.0:/." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. and her mom horrified when he sits back down. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen. but its missing a seal. He drives his new bike to her house. "OKAY." She tells him. A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance." Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. His girlfriend is a little flustered. so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight. his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams. her dad is obviously livid. but no one says a word. Now his girlfriend is furious. ENOUGH ALREADY.

1(*<3(. The next day he went to the doctor and the doctor asked him how it went He said. The doctor said. startle yourself." . naked.06596)3. "Not to good. shit in my face and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands up.4(.<9. 9. When he felt the urge he fired the pistol. "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate.4: One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. When he got home his wife was naked in bed ready fo him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. My wife bit off three inches of my dick.

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"I can't." At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse. burly man. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible. they returned and asked our friend to step inside. "Well." the husband said gruffly. come on already. "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is. and the twin objects of desire hung free at last. "Well. Finally. and proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. The husband." ." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied." replied our awe-struck hero. still nuzzling away. Finally. in particular. he knocked and waited.5!/6<:(5+633(9: One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door." The burly gorilla was about to deck our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. hoping for yet another look. Our man took one in each hand. "OK. "Why not?" demanded the husband." our man stammered. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard. opened the door. "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits. "Excuse me. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house. a large. he could stand it no more. usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts. !. getting really angry now. until the husband got annoyed. This went on for several minutes. "I don't have ten thousand dollars. kiss 'em!" he growled. She pulled him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments.

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 6>!6 ,33
A new sales assistant was hired at a large dept. store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in and said, "Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?" The customer replied, "I guess so. I'll take one. " ""And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?" "Um, okay. " "Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long." " I'll take one of those too. " After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for." Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in and asked, "I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please." "Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?" "Why would I want to do that?" "Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn."

 09:;!04,

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

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"No. !>6." the other asks. "green?". I'm tellin' you." "What. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. her clit was just like a pickle. " a bit sour." says the first. "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week.*967/0330(*: Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue." . Man. One of them turns to the other and says.

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The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin. !/. "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies. bend over and let have a look". this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first".(55+0:6*. “I've just got really fucked by an elephant".69 Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass" The doctors says "drop your pants. .

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After a few minutes.$/69. the first whore says. and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves. "Smell the rim. but when she stands back up. the first one squats on a glass top table. !/9. and start fingering themselves and each other. The second one then squats on the table. "You didn't leave an outline. They get naked. and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves. which is even bigger.. The third one squats on the table." She says.: Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch." .

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The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor. how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies. 0*/(.3(*2:65 Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son." . "I'd wait until he's at least 14.

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." She says. the girl has her finger in his asshole.@05+-(. "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him. so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke. A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. "What the hell is going on here?" The girl says. and she's reaming away with a vengeance." . The cop says. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down. 6. he's too drunk to drive me home. Now. "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth. he started pounding down the booze. "That's not gonna make him puke." The cop says.

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That hung from festoons in her drawers. When she grew tired of these. There once was a rector from Kings.90*2: There was an old whore from the Azores. Who's mind was on Heavenly things. That the dogs in the street. Who's cunt was so covered with sores. There was an old maid from Camelot. That she scraped from the sides of her twat. She'd eat the green cheese. . Who's ass was like jelly on springs. Wouldn't eat the green meat. 04. Who survived on frog shit and snot. But his heart was on fire. For this boy in the choir.

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A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sara thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

 4(9;::
A young couple, just married, were in their hotel honeymoon suite, on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

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One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom. The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra." The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him. The next week the two are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle." The wife is now pissed and is plotting her revenge. One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."

The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven the first guy says to the second guy. so he shoves 9 up his ass and on the last one he laughs so they eat him and he goes to heaven. I'll tell you the first one now and the second one later. They begged for their lives. The first guy came back to the king with 10 apples." So he shoves the first one up the guy's ass but on the second one he flinches so they eat him and he goes to heaven. "Ok I'll give you 2 trials.(550)(3: One day 3 guys got stranded on an island. The first one is pick 10 fruits of the same kind.  !/. He has berries. and the king cannibal said. "Ok now you have to shove them up your ass without flinching or anything. and they were captured by cannibals. The second guys comes and the king tells him the 2nd trial." So they set off to get their fruits. The king says. "Why did you laugh? You coulda lived!" and the second guy says. I was fine until I saw the third guy coming with all those watermelons!" .

checking for abnormalities." He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. and starts having sex with her. checking for lumps and cancer. He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. you're getting herpes. gets on top of her.  . he tells he takes off her panties. He says "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes.97. All his professionalism goes out the window." . He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes." Finally. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes.: A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. That's why I am here. lays her on the table.

"Ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars.(30:. His dad says. "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for 1 million dollars. "You see son. The father says./. I really need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school. "Dad." The little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes.0* One day a boy comes home from school and says." .  @76.." He does and sure enough she says yes.0*(3(5+. hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with a couple of whores." The father replies.

Disappointed.. "My moms dead. Well Dad's on the roof chasing the cat with a bottle of Vaseline. and Dad." . my sister is pregnant. the next day she dumped in the whole bottle. "Did they work"? The son replied. the results are instant. "Put one pill into his coffee everyday. (. The doctor leaves the room then returns with a little bottle and says.0*033: One day a lady goes to her doctor and asks her how to get her husband to sleep with her more. my ass hurts.." The lady goes home and puts one into his coffee right away. Six months later the phone rings And the doctor asks. and that night she got a little feel from her husband but nothing more.

" FLEA2: "That's not the way you do it. what you do is get on a plane and climb up a stuartess's skirt and sleep in her pussy. !>63.(: Two fleas are talking about winter migration and one's freezing its ass of. that's what I always do. FLEA2: "What the fuck is wrong with you." The next year the fleas talk again. didn't you do what I told you?" FLEA1: "Yeah. I climbed up a stuartess's skirt and slept in her pussy and I woke up in a biker's beard!" . FLEA1: "I spent the whole trip in a biker's beard. The first flea is still freezing his ass off. you stupid pansy.

.(+ INGREDIENTS: 2 laughing eyes 2 loving arms 2 well shaped legs 2 warm milk containers 1 fur lined mixing bowl 1 large banana METHOD: 1.. spread well shaped legs 3. look into laughing eyes 2. LEAVE TOWN! . (5(5(9. cover with nuts and sigh with relief NOTES: Bread is done when banana is soft. squeeze and then message milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased 4. add banana and gently work in and out until creamed 5. Be sure to wash utensils and don't lick the bowl. ATTENTION: IF BREAD STARTS TO RISE.

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"Well. With some effort. Ethel. Ethel falls backwards and can't move. Ethel. said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. I'm going to try that tonight!" That evening. she manages to get one leg up and behind her head. With a shocked look on his face. he yells "For God's sake. she takes off all her clothes./. then. you look like an asshole!" . she finally gets the other leg behind her head as well. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom.3 Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home residents. . No sooner has she accomplished this great feat. And although it's a struggle. They both agreed that life was good but one woman. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited! We have wild sex all night!" "Is that right?" said Ethel. while Ethel's husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. comb your hair and put your teeth in. The other woman said that her sex life was great! "I put both legs behind my head.

(. The husband confused. "I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book. He did this only for a very short while.: A typical married couple were lying in bed one night." Then the wife asked. asked.<9. "You were playing with my pussy. "What are you doing taking all your clothes off?" The wife replied. she got up and started stripping in front of him. before going any further. he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight. As he was reading. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement. and resume reading his book.:. not at all." . "No. The wife gradually became aroused with this. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book." The husband said. Then he would stop.0=. "Well what the hell were you doing then?" The husband replied.. 9.

the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out. He went to the doctor.65. Joe contacted Dr. after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities. They must deal with this all the time." Joe was relieved. Joe was horrified. the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.so quick to Chop Chop Chop. He went to Dr. and said. got any cookies?" .65. Jones. The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse. there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. she said. he noticed a very weird green. leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast. the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. One day. Dr. We must amputate right away. festering sore growing on his Penis. with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment. weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade. Amputation not necesally. but said "These Amadican Doctors . so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. Upon returning home three weeks later. But low and behold. Dr. It became almost unbearable and finally. who. looked up at her. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong. The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and. Smith said "I am sorry but Dr. Well. Jones is correct. "Is there anything else you'd like?" The man paused in his suckling for a moment. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own. On a business trip to the Orient. and decided to get a second opinion." Milk and cookies There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother. in a sensuous voice." Joe could not accept this. Dr. Chu Wong. After all. Well. Dr. Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl. for a price. Smith and showed him the green growth. "Yeah. told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. 65.

" . I said. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. "You're a medium. "I'm bigger than that. The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. "I'm about that big. .+0<4 0A. "I'm bigger than that." She put the three fingers in her mouth and said. I said. So she asked now big I was and I said. I said." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big.

help. I'm Frito-lay. What did one ball say to the other? "Why should we hang? It was Peter that did all the shooting.:69&6< What do you call a hooker's kids? Brothel sprouts." How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum? Three. What do you call an Irish prostitute? A pig in a blanket. Hear about the Pole who bought a Trans-Am? It took him a month to realize he could drive at night. yet. What did the potato chip say to the battery? "If you're Eveready. One to eat the possum. What's grosser than gross? Siamese twins attached at the mouth and one throws up. What has no arms and legs and hags over your mantel? Buck." Hear Oprah Winfrey was busted coming through customs at JFK? They looked up her skirt and found 300 pounds of crack. What's the difference between Rock Hudson and George Bush? George's aides haven't killed him. How can you tell when you've passed an elephant? The toilet gets clogged. . they couldn't find a coffin large enough to hold him? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.> 0*25. Hear about the new line of appliances for gays? They're called kitchen AIDS. Why aren't there any African-American nuns? Because they find it difficult to say Superior after Mother. What do Greeks wear to weddings? Formal fish nets.. Did you hear about the Polish guy who ate pussy? He spit out the kittens after he was done." Woman: "Help. Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate. Hear about the dead Klansman who was so big. and two to watch for cars. an Irishman tried to rape me!" Cop: "How do you know he was Irish?" Woman: "I had to help him.

. What's grosser than gross? Finding a pubic hair in your Bloody Mary. Where does Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies. What's a Puerto Rican limousine? A garbage truck with Mercedes hubcaps. How can you tell when a WASP bride is ugly? Everyone has lined up to kiss the caterer. Hear about the good Catholic priest who gave up his celibacy for Lent? Horny boyfriend: "Pleeease. What do you call an African-American hooker with braces on her teeth? A Black & Decker pecker wrecker. fo-fo-fi-fo"? Jesse Jackson's phone number. What's "Fi-fi-fo. Hear about the Polish musicians who had to empty the saliva from their instruments? They were a string quartet. What do old men do? Luckfuck. What's grosser than gross? Feeling your grandpa get a hard-on while you're sitting on his lap. . How do you make an African-American nervous? Take him to an auction. One to screw it in and the other to shoot the witness. Hear about the blind skunk. What happens when a Vulcan woman's tampon fails? She gets Toxic Spock Syndrome. What's the sticky white stuff in women's panties? Clitty litter.What do you call someone with no arms or legs lying out in the sun? Ray. What's red and white and screams? A baby having an epileptic fit on a bed of nails." Girlfriend: "What do you think I am. What's smaller than a teeny-weeny flea? A flea's teeny weenie. but others complain it's just too wide. Hear about the guy with the four-inch dick? Some women like it. How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. Why aren't there any African-American players in the National Hockey League? They aren't stupid. who tried to rape a fart? Why do women have pussies? So men will talk to them. a microwave?" Hear about the Great Wall of China? It has chinks in it. I'll only be in you for a minute..

Why do you tie a baby's umbilical cord? If you don't. wop. Why is a vagina like a coffin? It can only handle one stiff at a time.yep. no! The cops are following us." What do Mexicans call K-Mart shopping carts? Baby buggies.." An abortion on toast. Hear about the new Italian steel-belted radial tires? Dago forward.. How does an African-American fairy tale start? "You muthafuckers ain't gonna believe this shit.nope. What's white. What does a lesbian get every 28 days? A free meal. What's this? (Open your mouth wide and stick out your tongue. and when dago flat. spotted.. and gooey and rains down from the sky? The Coming of the Lord. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a jewelry store? Ruby.nope." A bum fuck.. and the other to drink till the room spins. Hear about the whore who had an appendectomy? The doctor sewed up the wrong hole.. One to hold the bulb. What's a baby before it's born? Daddy's little squirt. What's a cannibal's favorite religious text? How to Serve Your Fellow Man. ..) Blow-jobber's cramp. How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. Are their flashers on?" 2nd Pole: "Yep . I said Tanqueray on the rocks!" You know God wouldn't have made women smell like fish. wop.. What were the captain of the oil tanker Valdez's last words? "No. so now she's making money on the side. he goes wwhhooossshh! Why don't Greeks need to wear life preservers? Because oil floats.... Define "hobosexualist. What do cannibals call unborn babies? Hors d'oeuvres." What do you call a skinny Protestant? A WISP. 1st Pole: "Oh. dago wop.Define "pizza. if he hadn't made cum look like tartar sauce. What do you call a calf's pussy? Veal cuntlet. What's Irish and comes out in the Spring? Paddy O'Furniture.. dago backward.

What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and a jockstrap? One's a dictator and the other's a dicktoter." Why don't bunnies make noise when they fuck? They have cotton balls. What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus? With a school bus. would you?" "Will you pass over the potatoes. pass over the gravy. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a mailbox? Bill. all the little pricks are on the inside. How do WASPs celebrate Passover? Please pass over the chicken. Hear about the Englishman who thought manual labor was the president of Mexico? Hear about the Alabama Highway Patrol car that hit an African-American so hard he flew thirty feet in the air? He was arrested for leaving the scene of an accident. What does Miss Piggy use for a douche? Hog wash." What's red and screams? A skinned baby rolling in salt.Why did they kick the gays out of heaven? They were eating all the prophets. . Define "skyjacking. Did you hear about the cross-eyed Polish seamstress who couldn't menstruate? What's the difference between American Pilots and Iraqi Pilots? American pilots break ground and fly into the wind. please. How do Chinese mothers name their babies? Throw some silverware down the stairs and name them after the noise it makes. There are some things even a gorilla won't do. What did one old maid say to the other? "Let's go down to the cucumber patch and do pushups. What do you call twenty hookers on a table? Whores d'oeuvres. Who's the quadriplegic under the car? Jack. What's next door to the Joan Crawford Day Care Center? The Grace Kelly Driving School.000 feet." "Buffy." A hand job at 33. Hear about the new jokes for the deaf? What's grosser than gross? --Fucking a pregnant lady and the fetus gives you head. How do you bury a Panamanian? Flush. What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a JAP? Nothing.

. What do you get when you sit on a fat person? Thyroids. and a goat for sheer ecstasy. Irani saying: A woman for sons. . Why did the Muslim stop eating his wife? He overheard someone call her a pig. What do you call ten African-Americans butt fucking? Soul Train.000 students at Tiananmen Square? An hour later. a boy for pleasure. eagles. What's the Greek army motto? "Never leave your buddy's behind. What's the worst thing about killing 2. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean? Skip.Z. What's the disadvantage of visiting a leper prostitute? She can only give head once. What do outhouses and candy have in common? If there's no hole. Hear about the gay judges who tried each other? What were the first words Adam said to Eve? "Stand back! I don't know how big this thing's gonna get.T. How do you save Helen Keller from drowning? Hand-to-had resuscitation. If you save enough. with no morals? E..What do you call E. you want to kill 2. How can you tell if a girl is ticklish? Give her your test-tickle." What do you get when you cross an elephant and a prostitute? A hooker who does it for peanuts and won't ever forget it. and dolphins. How do you have fun with a dead hamster? Tie its tail to the exercise wheel and give it a spin. it's not a lifesaver. you can trade them in for lawn furniture. Why do men swim faster than women? Because they have a rudder.000 more." Save the whales.

I just made it." Drunk at the next urinal: "Can you make me one?" Why does it take two homosexuals to rape a girl? One to hold her down and the other to tease her hair. What's black and blue and goes swish. How can you tell if a Polish woman is having her period? She's only wearing one sock. Define "henpecked.Man after rushing into a public bathroom and whipping out his twelve-incher: "Whew. tha-dump. . What do you call a woman with no arms or legs in a cash register? Penny. What's a Mexican Express card? A switchblade. tha-dump? A baby going down an incinerator. I'm on her corner. Why do JAP's close their eyes while they're fucking? So they can pretend they're shopping. How can you tell the Polish secretary? She's the one with white-out all over her computer. What did Trump say to the beautiful blonde who accosted him in the elevator of the Trump Towers and begged to give him a blow job? "What's in it for me?" Why don't African-Americans use seat belts? Because it's safer putting Velcro on the headrests." What do pitchers and gigolos have in common? Fast balls. Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? George Bush's tie. What do you call a girl with no arms and legs taking downers? Barb. Man: "What would your mom say if she saw you?" Hooker: "She'd kill me." A sterile husband afraid to tell his pregnant wife.

Pole #1: "Hey. Why didn't the eunuch cross the road? He just didn't have the balls. I blew the fucker to Kingdom Come!" Doc examining patient: "Big breaths. How did Helen Keller's teacher keep her from talking in class? She made her wear mittens. What did the impotent man and the frigid woman accomplish in bed together? A bilateral freeze.'" Son: "I wrecked 'em all right." Dad: "We don't say 'ass." Pole #2. Define "bad acne. . WE SCRAPE 'EM Son: "I shoved a firecracker up a pig's ass. look at the dead bird. What's red and green and goes one thousand miles an hour? A frog in a blender.' we say 'rectum." Patient: "Yeth. looking up in the sky: "Where?" What do you get when you cross a Chinaman with a Frenchman? A Frenchman who eats your laundry. Canada!" How do you make paper dolls? Screw an old bag. What's a Cambodian abortion? A hungry rat on a string. Why does a Jewish divorce cost so much? It's worth it. and I'm not even thixteen!" What do you call a homosexual's athletic supporter? A fruit cup. What was the WASP National Anthem during the Vietnam war? "O.What's red and white and black all over? A nun with stab wounds. What does the neon sign say above Joe's 24-hour Abortion Clinic? YOU RAPE 'EM." Waking up in the park with a blind man reading your face. What does a WASP do when his car breaks down? Calls AAA.

Two conceited people fucking-She: "Aren't I tight?" He: "No. What's worse than your dentist telling you you have herpes? Your mother telling you. What did Wendy say when she stuck her hand down Ronald McDonald's pants? "Where's the beef?" What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Spaniard? Spic and Span. just full. What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the door? Matt. . What do you call two women in a freezer? Cold cunts.How many JAP's does it take to change a light bulb? Five." When is a wet dream hazardous? When you're under a electric blanket. Where do women pilots sit? In the cuntpit. What's blue and comes in Brownies? Cub Scouts. Why doesn't Smoky the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot. What did one goose say to the other goose? "Ooooh!. I've been peopled!" How can you tell Italian women are embarrassed by their long hair? Because they wear long gloves to cover it up. Proctologist: "Do you know I just pulled a dozen roses out of your rectum?" Gay patient: "Is that so? What's the card say?" What do you call a nun in a blender? Twisted Sister. he hits her over the head with his shovel. What do you call a faggot in the navy? A Rear Admiral. Four to bitch and one to get her boyfriend to do it. How do you wipe out 250 Puerto Rican families? Blow up K-Mart.

"what are you gonna do with thirty dollars?" What's the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles. Define "conceit. Why was Bunker Hill slimy? "The British are coming! The British are coming!" Why are most men so depressed? They have cocks that can't crow. Define "premature ejaculation" in French. Ooh la la---so soon? What does a house wife in Malibu wear to a funeral? Her black tennis dress." A mosquito with a hard-on floating down the river on his back shouting. What do you call a man with no arms or legs on a roll? Frank. . What has two cherries and dances? 100 Radio City Music Hall Rockettes. Hear about the ninety-year-old man accused of rape? The case was dismissed because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute? A two-ton pickup. What did the cannibals who caught a politician have for dinner? Baloney sandwiches." He screamed. One to screw the light bulb and one to grease the socket. What do you do when you Kotex catches fire? Throw it on the floor and Tampon it. What do you call a gay man who's had a vasectomy? A seedless fruit. How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two.What do you call two African-American motorcycle cops? Chocolate CHiPs. "Open the drawbridge!" Why did the whorehouse in the leper colony close? The tips weren't worth it. Hear about the JAP who asked her father for fifty dollars to do shopping? "Forty dollars.

Two vain men are peeing by a river and one says. Why is San Francisco like granola? Once you get past the fruit and nuts. Two WASPs making love: WASP #1: "Did I hurt you?" WASP #2: "No. What kind of hamburgers do Italians eat? Woppers. why?" WASP #1: "You moved. Why do Mexicans eat beans every day? So they can take a bubble bath at night." Why do African-American men like pussy so much? Because the outside looks like watermelon and the inside smells like catfish. What do you do when an elephant comes n your window? Swim for your life. "and deep!" . Hear about the new scratch-and-sniff stickers for lepers? They include a nose.How does a Pole keep his dinner warm? He puts tin foil up his nose. "Gee. What do you call a governess who farts? A hootenanny. this water's cold. What's Helen Keller's favorite song? "The Sound of Silence. What's red and black and jumps in the air? A baby in a toaster. What do you call a JAP on a water bed? The Dead Sea. What do you call a n Oriental on barbiturates? A mello-yellow. Why shouldn't you buy Polish goldfish? They drown. What's the worst thing about being an atheist? You have no one to talk to when you're getting a great blow job. all you have left is the flakes." The second says.

What do you give a hooker on her birthday? A layer cake. How was copper wire invented? Two Jews found the same penny. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. "This is for ladies! a woman shrieked. What's brown and squishy and wears pearls? The Gay Rights Movement." Someone who's expert at giving blow jobs. I hate olives!" "Shut up or I'll scrape your other eye out!" What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an elephant? Elephants eventually forget. What's a cannibal's faux pas? Talking with a foot in your mouth. How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They covered the toilet bowl with Saran Wrap. Mommy. What's the African-American version of a fortune cookie? A piece of cornbread with a food stamp in the middle. . What do you call twenty-five polish women in a swimming pool? Bay of Pigs. A drunk wanders into a women's bathroom and unzips his fly. You gotta PROBLEM wid dat? Define "headmaster. "Yeah? So's this!" he slurred. How can you tell the only WASP in a sauna? He's the one with the Wall Street Journal on his lap.Why is 68 the speed limit for a woman in bed? Because at 69 she blows a rod. What's the difference between the Suez Canal and Leona Helmsley? The Suez Canal is a busy ditch. Mommy. How can you tell if a fence is electrified? Throw a puppy at it and see if he gets fried. Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant? The Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Hooker: "You've got twenty bucks and I've got the time. violets are blue. . Why did the undertaker serve Coke at his grandmother's funeral? Because Coke adds life.How come they canceled the Mexico City Drivers' Ed program? The donkey died. what would cheetah be? Pregnant. there's a big blow job coming. Roses are red. Hear about the Italian girl who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass? Define "corporate virgin. but I already have a watch. What does a Valley Girl say when she goes down on an African-American? "Gag me with a coon!" If Tarzan and Jane were Puerto Rican. There're only two handles on a garbage can. What's the worst thing about having a colostomy? Finding shoes to match the bag. she made a prophet." Why was Moses' mother so happy? She not only had fun in bed. What do you call a woman with no arms or legs who likes to give blow jobs? Hedy." One who's new to the firm. What's WASP foreplay? An engagement ring. I'm schizophrenic and so am I. What did one coconut tree say to the other? "Hold on to your nuts. How many people does it take to bury an Italian? Two. Why was the leper quarterback taken out of the game? The last play was a handoff. Why did God create armadillos? So Mexicans would have something to eat on the half shell." Pole: "Thanks. Why do African-American women make such good housekeepers? Built-in Brillo pads.

Hear about the new remedy for child molesters? Incesticide. How do you fit forty-seven Puerto Ricans in a Volkswagen? Use a blender. Wife to amorous hubby: "Honey. "Mommy." . Why do Mexicans drive low-riders? So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time. "I'd Rather Be Driving!" What do you call an African-American woman's tits? Jigaboobs. you can eat them. "Oh.What do you call a person who can't walk through a pasture without getting shit all over their shoes? An incowpoop. hair" and Eve looked down at Adam and said. that's my wrist watch. Hear they had to ban "the wave" from Cleveland Stadium? Too many Poles were drowning. hell." Why did Jesse Jackson decide not to run for President again? His ancestors were caught posing for National Geographic." Why is sex better with sheep? They're always in the mood. could you take your ring off? It's hurting me. and when you're done. Did you hear that Bush sent Quayle to the earthquake's epicenter? He cabled back. What's an IUD for homos? A fruit loop. How do we know that Adam and Eve were Irish? Adam looked down at Eve and said. I don't want to eat by candlelight!" "Shut up or I'll scrape the wax out of the other ear. Seen the Canadian bumper sticker? It says. "Oh. tool. Mommy. How come the leper couldn't speak? The cat had his tongue. Why do Texan girls walk bowlegged? Everything's BIG in Texas. "Having a great time at Disney World!" Hear the one about the deaf mute? Neither did he. never have a headache." Husband: "Ring.

" ." "Shut up and eat--we only have it once a month. I don't like tomato soup. silly. What happened when Tammy Bakker Cried over Jim Bakker's 45-year sentence? ”MUD SLIDE!!” Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diapers? So she always knew where he was. Why does Dr.What was the gay rapist charged with? Homo-cide. "Mommy." Why do women have longer fingernails? Deeper penetration. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died. What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby? A girl. Hear about the basketball player who married a midget? He was nuts over her. What's the only thing used sanitary napkins are good for? Tea bags for vampires." the dyke sneered. Hear about the man who fell into the cesspool? He couldn't swim. What do you call a man who has a toe growing from his knee? Tony. My dildo can do anything a man can do. Hear about the horny guy who ordered two martinis? he drank one and poured the other on his hand. Polish cop #1: "Didn't I tell you to cover the exits?" Polish copy #2: "I did. because he wanted to get his date drunk. He must have left through one of the entrances. Wow did Dolly parton get two black eyes? She went jogging and forgot to wear a bra. Hear about the woman who shaved her legs and rectum? What do you call a zipper on a gay Italian's pants? A Mediterranean fruit fly. "Let's see your dildo get up and order a round of drinks." chortled the drunk. but he went through all the movements.

knock. not dot) who drinks too much tea? He drowns in his tepee. How can you tell a Pole from an ape? The ape peels the banana before eating it. but whatever it is. What happens to an Indian (feather." "Knock." "Oz." "Who's there?" "Oz. "So that's how you reload it!" What's the problem with dating an ex-smoker? He'll need something to do with his hands." Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy. Board of Immigration classify Mexicans who are living legally in the U. and the Poontang. Name five makes of American cars for African-Americans. the Cooneville.? Canadians. now when are those Chinese going to take down their wall?" What does the U. What do you get when you screw a leper? A piece of ass.Tarzan: "What name?" Jane: "Jane. the Jiguar. How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree? Wave to him. the Coontinental. Hear about the guy who burned his dick and stuck it in a glass of milk to cool it off? His girlfriend saw him and exclaimed. What do you call a Mexican in an earthquake? A jumping bean. ." Tarzan: "What whole name?" Jane: "Cunt. what are nuts on a chin? A blow job.S. Why was the Irishman rushed to the hospital? He tried to drink the Cutty Sark out of a bottle. Define "bisexual. The Falcoon.S. who?" "Oz be the new mayor!" What four-letter word means "intercourse to a WASP?" Talk. What did Quayle say when he heard about the Berlin Wall? "Wonderful. If nuts on a wall are walnuts and nuts on a chest are chestnuts. What do you get when you cross a WASP and an orangutan? I don't know. it won't let you in its cage.

where'd you get the motor?" Bob: "My dad's iron lung. when he gets married. . What's German for "Vaseline"? Der Wienerslider. Why didn't the new Pope want to accept the position? It meant moving into an Italian neighborhood. but a whole lot of fun to dance with." What do you get when you cross an African-American with a Japanese? Someone who on December seventh has an uncontrollable urge to attack Pearl Bailey.What do you call a gay Smurf? A Smaggot. Hear about the new Korean cookbook? It's called 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog. What are the three occasions an Italian man visits his priest? His first communion. What came out of John Lennon's head when he was shot? Beatlejuice. How can you tell if an elephant is in the same dark room with you? You can smell the peanuts on his breath. What did the disadvantaged Jewish teenager get for Chanukah? A domestic car. Why is the urban cowboy's mustache all brown and scuzzy? "He's lookin' for love in all the wrong places." John: "Wow! Great scooter." John: "What did he say about that?" Bob: "'AARRGGHHH!'" Hear the new slogan for Clairol hair color? "Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match. What's the worst thing about being a penis? Your best friend is a cunt. Why do WASPs fly so much? For the food. and before his electrocution. What do you call three dead babies in a pile? A stool. Hear about the girl who had tits on her back? She was ugly to look at.

Hear about the Jewish porn movie? It's called "Debbie Does Bubkis." What did the WASP child scream when her school was burning down? "MY HOMEWORK!!" Hear about the Polish/Italian soccer game? Italy didn't show up. What's red and white and hangs from a tree? A baby run over by a snowblower. What did the little African-American kid do when he overheard Santa say "Ho. What do you make from frozen holy water? Popesicles. Secretary: "May I use your Dictaphone?" Boss: "Use your finger like everyone else. What do you get when you cross the Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a group of Eskimos? Cold cuts. Where do fags park? In the rear. Hear about the new Pan Am check-in procedure? You choose between Smoking and Burnt-Beyond-All-Recognition. Why didn't God make Adam and Eve African? Ever try to take a rib from an African-American male? Nurse: "Why is that old man sticking out his tongue and holding up his middle finger?" Doc: "He's showing me his sexual organs. and three plays later the Poles won." Hear about the retarded Arab terrorists? They attacked the Special Olympics." A crack investigator.ho.Hear about the Pole who couldn't write "Happy Birthday" on a cake? It kept getting stuck in the typewriter. . ho" to his mother? He shot him. How many Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fifty. One to screw it in and the other forty nine to guard him. Define "proctologist." What's red and white and bobs up and down? A baby in a Jacuzzi.

What do you get when you cross a Mongoloid and a one-legged Eskimo? A Polaroid One-Step. . The End." Gynecologist: "Removing the vibrator is going to be a tricky and expensive operation." Woman: "Why don't you just replace the batteries?" What do you call a drunk with no arms or legs wrapped around a telephone pole? Curly.What is Billy Martin doing now? Managing the Angels. What does an African-American parrot say? "Polly want a white woman. How do you tell a Polish ladder from a normal one? The Polish one has the word STOP stenciled on the top rung.

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