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NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: __________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________ __________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
what does 'LATE' mean to you? __________________________________________________ ____________ __________________________________________________ ____________ In 50 words or less. what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? __________________________________________________ ____________ __________________________________________________ ____________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend __________________________________________________ _ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________ .ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less. what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? __________________________________________________ ____________ __________________________________________________ ____________ In 50 words or less.
CRUCIFIXION. When I meet a girl. A: If I were shot. all answers are confidential. DISMEMBERMENT. __________________________________________________ _______ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name.SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. RED HOT POKERS. moron!) _______________________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman . What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________ __________________________________________________ ____________ __________________________________________________ ____________ F. the last place I would want shot would be: __________________________________________________ ____________ B: If I were beaten. Please answer freely. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH. NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE. the thing I always notice about her first is: __________________________________________________ ____________ F. the last bone I would want broken is my: __________________________________________________ ____________ C: A woman's place is in the: __________________________________________________ ____________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: __________________________________________________ ____________ E. ELECTROCUTION. CHINESE WATER TORTURE. AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
. when it comes to sex. once you have gone out with my little girl. I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. and it would cause you injury). we should talk about sports. Still. Let me elaborate.Thank you for your interest. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway. Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) : Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package. Please don't take this as an insult. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. You may glance at her. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. If you make her cry. in order to ensure that your clothes do not. (you might watch your back) To prepare yourself. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house. If your application is rejected. I will remove them. with many opportunities to date other girls. politics. and other issues of the day. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world. However. I want to be fair and open minded about this issue. in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. and I will kill you. but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't. you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. waiting for my daughter to appear. and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please do not do this. Please allow four to six years for processing. and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow. start studying Daddy's[N A Torres] Rules for Dating . Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other. Otherwise. I will make you cry. because you're sure not picking anything up. and I will not object. I am the barrier. you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big.
and more than an hour goes by. holding hands. But on issues relating to my daughter. a sweater. merciless god of your universe. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Old folks homes are better. The camouflaged face at the window is mine . the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. then return to your car . If you want to be on time for the movie. Instead of just standing there. you have one chance to tell me the truth. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. Speak the perimeter password. tank tops. midriff T-shirts. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. or happiness. I am the all-knowing. Places where there is dancing. I have a shotgun. middle-aged. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . sofas. and a goose down parka . a shovel. dimwitted has-been. I may appear to be a potbellied. you should not be dating. When my Agent Orange starts acting up. like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds. movies which feature chain saws are okay. do not sigh and fidget. Places where there is darkness. and five acres behind the house. the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. My daughter is putting on her makeup.zipped up to her throat. announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early. If I ask you where you are going and with whom. why don't you do something useful. a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge .there is no need for you to come inside. balding. Hockey games are okay. Do not trifle with me. or anything other than overalls. or anything softer than a wooden stool.
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