His Needs/Her Needs

Building an Affair-Proof Marriage!

His Needs Her Needs

Book Premise: A failure to care about each other’s needs causes constant frustration in marriage

His Needs Her Needs

Book Premise: A failure to care about each other’s needs causes constant frustration in marriage

Often times, we fail to care because we simply don’t understand each other’s needs!

His Needs Her Needs

People are tempted to look elsewhere when needs are not met in marriage and are often overcome!
Book Premise: A failure to care about each other’s needs causes constant frustration in marriage

His Needs Her Needs

Book Premise: A failure to care about each other’s needs causes constant frustration in marriage

Harley invites you to become a student of each other’s needs so you can meet them and affair proof your marriage

His Needs Her Needs

Key Principle for Marriage:
Become aware of each other’s emotional needs and learn to meet them

His Needs Her Needs

A Love Bank that Never Closes
• Everybody maintains an emotional love bank for everyone they know • Deposits and withdrawals are made according to pleasant or unpleasant interactions

His Needs Her Needs

A Love Bank that Never Closes
• When your account is out of balance, your marriage may find itself in danger • You naturally bond with those who fill your emotional love bank

His Needs Her Needs

An Affair: Occurs anytime you look to one of the opposite sex to meet your marital love bank needs in place of your spouse

His Needs Her Needs

A Deployment is a Dangerous Time for Marriages
• Some love needs will not be met • Greater temptation to seek satisfaction outside of the marriage

His Needs Her Needs

Everyone is unique in their marriage needs
• 10 very real needs have been identified for a fulfilling marriage • You can’t do without these in your

marriage!

His Needs Her Needs

What she can’t do without?
• Affection

His Needs Her Needs

Affection
• The cement of a relationship • Bonds couple together as one • Genesis 2:24 – “cleave”

His Needs Her Needs

Affection
• Conveys a man’s marriage bond to his wife: • “I’ll take care of you and protect you. You are important to me and I don’t want anything to happen to you”

His Needs Her Needs

Affection
• “I’m concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you” • “I think you do a good job, and I’m proud of you!”

His Needs Her Needs

Affection
Most men need to learn this skill, for without it, their marriage will likely fail!

His Needs Her Needs

Showing Affection
• • • • • • Cards and notes Gifts and flowers Dinner dates Opening doors Holding hands Giving hugs

His Needs Her Needs

Showing Affection • Cards and notes • Gifts and flowers • Dinner dates • Opening doors • Holding hands • Giving hugs When in doubt, ask her what

she likes!

His Needs Her Needs

Affection WARNING!
• For her, affection is an honoring of the marriage • For him, affection is often wrongly interpreted as a prelude to sex

His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s First Law of Marriage:
When it comes to sex and affection, you can’t have one without the other!

His Needs Her Needs

What he can’t do without?
• Sexual Fulfillment

His Needs Her Needs

Sexual Fulfillment
• In commitment to marriage, he trusts and commits to her all his needs • He’ll feel cheated if this need is not met

His Needs Her Needs

Sexual Fulfillment
• Clearly, he and she have different views on sexual fulfillment • Without understanding each other, you’re marriage is for a rocky ride

His Needs Her Needs

Sexual Fulfillment
• He becomes frustrated when there is not enough sex • Problem: She is not ready for sex because he’s not meeting her needs

His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s First Corollary:
”The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband’s need for sex any more than the typical husband understand his wife’s deep need for affection”

His Needs Her Needs

Sexual Fulfillment
• He views sexuality in the same way she views affection • Without both needs met, you’ll not be satisfied

His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Second Law of Marriage
”Meet your spouse’s needs as you would want your spouse to meet yours”

His Needs Her Needs

For her, you need to give affection. For him, you need to be sexually fulfilling. Only working together will you meet each other’s needs.

Marital Golden Rule:
”Meet your spouse’s needs as you would want your spouse to meet yours”

His Needs Her Needs

The Oneness Principle: If you will work at saying and doing things for each other that build oneness in your marriage, the right levels of affection and sexual fulfillment are sure to follow.

Ephesians 2:22-23

His Needs Her Needs

The Oneness Principle: If you will work at saying and doing things for each other that build oneness in your marriage, the right level of affection and sexual fulfillment are sure to follow. Ephesians 2:22-33 “Husbands….Love your wives” “Wives…..Submit to your own husbands”

His Needs Her Needs

What she can’t do without?
• Affection

• Conversation

His Needs Her Needs

Conversation
• Her: “We never talk anymore” • Him: “What do you want to talk about?” • Her: “If you don’t know, then you don’t care about me!”

His Needs Her Needs

Conversation
• Must focus on the events of her day, people she encountered, and how she is feeling

His Needs Her Needs

Conversation
• She feels most bonded to whoever will give her affection and conversation on a daily basis • Talking is a major love tank filler!

His Needs Her Needs

Conversation
• Communication takes time • How long?

His Needs Her Needs

Conversation
• Guys…Setting aside adequate time to talk with your wife is a must! • Date her, eat with her, call her, listen, linger in the kitchen

His Needs Her Needs

Conversation Enemies!
• • • • • Making demands vice asking Using conversation to belittle or punish Forcing an agreement to your way of thinking Dwelling on past mistakes Failure to listen

His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Third Law of Marriage
”Caring partners converse in a caring way”

His Needs Her Needs

Conversation Friends!
• Work to becoming interested in each other’s favorite topics • Balance the conversation between each other • Understand, inform, investigate • Give undivided attention

His Needs Her Needs

Conversation Tips
• Remember how it was when you dated • Care deeply for her and prove it daily • Don’t be fooled into believing she values your work ethic more than your mouth • 15 hours per week is a starting point • Don’t dominate the conversation

His Needs Her Needs

10 Things Not to Say to a Woman
(1) “What did you do to your hair?” (2) “They both look the same to me” (3) “Relax” (4) “I’ve got it under control” (5) “You’re not one of those feminists?”

Source: Jessica Murphy, msnbc.com

His Needs Her Needs

10 Things Not to Say to a Woman
(6) “You’re letting yourself go” (7) “You’re being emotional” (8) “You’re acting just like you’re mother” (9) “You complete me” (10) “Do you really think you should be eating that?”

Source: Jessica Murphy, msnbc.com #6 edited for content for church setting

His Needs Her Needs

10 Things Not to Say to a Man
(1) “That looks cute” (2) “We need to talk” (3) “It’s just a game” (4) “Nothing’s wrong” (5) “I sound like my mom”

Source: Jessica Murphy, msnbc.com

His Needs Her Needs

10 Things Not to Say to a Man
(6) “Does this make me look fat?” (7) “It doesn’t matter” (8) “How do I look?” (9) “Do you think she’s pretty?” (10) “Which outfit do you like better?”

Source: Craig Playstead, msnbc.com #6 edited for content for church use

His Needs Her Needs

What he can’t do without?
• Sexual Fulfillment

• Recreational Companionship

His Needs Her Needs

Recreational Companionship
• A wife should not abandon her husband to find fulfillment in recreation activities without her

His Needs Her Needs

Recreational Companionship
• Often times, men are fooled into believing his wife enjoys his activities • When dating, she often tried to impress him by being with him

His Needs Her Needs

Recreational Companionship
• He equates recreation with friendship • Guys show the equivalent of affection by hanging out together • Talking is optional when hanging out! • Ladies, if you want his attention and his affection, recreate!

His Needs Her Needs

Recreational Companionship
• Bottom-line: Work to find common recreational activities so he is fulfilled by her presence

His Needs Her Needs

Recreation Tips
• Make a list of things you both might enjoy now or wish to try • Make concrete plans to do these activities – ladies, date your husbands! • Understand that tastes change over time, so you may need to be flexible

His Needs Her Needs

Recreation Tips
• Warning: Don’t let any recreation activity rob your marriage of meeting other needs; golf widows, time with opposite sex, etc. • Free your husband to enjoy some activities by himself or with the kids

His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Fourth Law of Marriage
”The couple that plays together stays together”

His Needs Her Needs

What she can’t do without?
• Affection • Conversation

• Honesty and Openness

His Needs Her Needs

Honesty and Openness
• Naturally follows her need for conversation • Without this, your relationship will be shallow and not meet her needs!

His Needs Her Needs

Honesty and Openness
• Men naturally keep feelings and issues to themselves • We like to go it alone • But you’re no longer alone; you and I have become a we!

His Needs Her Needs

Three Kinds of Lying Husbands
• The “born” liar – small lies from an early age; ingrained and difficult to change • The “avoid trouble” liar – doesn’t want to stand up to accountability • The “protector” liar – thinks truth will hurt his wife; finances, dangers, etc.

His Needs Her Needs

Honesty and Openness
• Even little lies empty love banks; she needs to know she can trust you • Let her tell you how much of the truth she can wants to know while deployed

His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Fifth Law of Marriage
”Honesty is the best marriage insurance policy”

His Needs Her Needs

What he can’t do without?
• Sexual Fulfillment • Recreational Companionship

• An Attractive Spouse

His Needs Her Needs

An Attractive Spouse
• Men want to feel proud of the woman they married • It is a reflection on their ability to make good choices!

His Needs Her Needs

An Attractive Spouse
• “When she looks good, he feels good” • When she doesn’t give this area of her life her best shot, he feels she doesn’t care about his needs

His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Fourth Corollary:
”Attractiveness is what you do with what you have”

His Needs Her Needs

Attractive Wife Tips
• • • • • Weight control Makeup to your best advantage Your hair should meet his tastes Clothes showcase the woman Keep on smelling good!

His Needs Her Needs

An Attractive Spouse
• He will feel cheated when you don’t try, but he’ll feel like a king and want to show you off when you make any effort to be attractive to him!

His Needs Her Needs

Use the deployment to our advantage!
• • • • • • Wow him when he comes back! Trade off childcare to work out Walk, walk, walk Buy exercise clothes and shoes Update your wardrobe over time Let him know your plan to love him

His Needs Her Needs

What she can’t do without?
• Affection • Conversation • Honesty and Openness

• Financial Support

His Needs Her Needs

Financial Support
• Very important to her need for security • Often times, a woman resents having to meet this need if she doesn’t feel her husband is doing his best

His Needs Her Needs

Financial Support
• A budget to which you both agree is a household must • Before the deployment, agree to a spending plan

His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Fifth Corollary:
”When it comes to money and marriage, less may be more”

His Needs Her Needs

Deployment Dangers
• Leaving her with an unreliable car • Not communicating about impulse purchases • Delayed credit card bills • Where did it all go? • He cuts her off

His Needs Her Needs

What he can’t do without?
• Sexual Fulfillment • Recreational Companionship • An Attractive Spouse

• Household Support

His Needs Her Needs

Household Support
• Men often fantasize about a home that is free of stress and worry • Frustrations occur for both he and she when realities set in • Sometimes, the problem may be as much his effort as her abilities

His Needs Her Needs

A Fair Division of Labor
• Identify a list of household duties – what, when, who, importance to the other • Take charge of the items you would enjoy or prefer to do

His Needs Her Needs

A Fair Division of Labor
• Assign remaining responsibilities to the one who most wants the duty accomplished • Consider the love bank

His Needs Her Needs

What she can’t do without?
• • • • Affection Conversation Honesty and Openness Financial Support

• Family Commitment

His Needs Her Needs

Family Commitment
• Will be very hard during the deployment • She has a need for her husband to having a key role in “training up the children”

His Needs Her Needs

Family Commitment
• When he abdicates his role, she will work doubly hard to try to change him • Almost always to pushes him away

His Needs Her Needs

Family Commitment
• Since the key component to good parenting is time, it is easy to see where the conflict occurs!

His Needs Her Needs

Quality Family Time Tips
• • • • • Meals together Walks and bike rides Church services Game nights Reading aloud

His Needs Her Needs

Family Commitment
• Sometimes, both parents need training or mentoring to develop parenting skills

His Needs Her Needs

Tips for Him to Learn
Be consistent Punish properly Agree with your wife Interpret the rules to benefit both the family and the child • Handle anger appropriately • • • •

His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Ninth Law of Marriage:
”The best husband is a good father”

His Needs Her Needs

What he can’t do without?
• • • • Sexual Fulfillment Recreational Companionship An Attractive Spouse Household Support

• Admiration

His Needs Her Needs

Admiration
• Honest admiration is a key motivator for most men • Inspires and drives him to do more • But: He can read between the lines. Admiration to manipulate him doesn’t work in the long run

His Needs Her Needs

Admiration
• Motivates and rewards his effort • Helps men believe in themselves and strengthens fragile self-images

His Needs Her Needs

Harley’s Sixth Corollary:
”Behind every man should be an admiring wife”

His Needs Her Needs

Admiration Tips
• Work at telling him how you admire him • Look for things he does and tell him when they fill your love bank • Praise your husband most in the areas where you most need his support

His Needs Her Needs

Admiration Tips
• Tell him you are pleased to be with him • Honor him – by listening, acts of service, smiling when he comes in the room, etc. • Never cut him down in front of others

His Needs Her Needs

Admiration Practice
• “Honey, one of the things I like most about you is ……” • “Big Guy, I feel so special when you …… without my asking.”

His Needs Her Needs

Meeting Needs During a Deployment: Some marital needs will not be met Guard against emotional and physical affairs

His Needs Her Needs

Meeting Needs During a Deployment: Exercise caution when allowing others to meet your needs Be creative in reaching across time and distance

His Needs Her Needs

Meeting Needs During a Deployment: Reintegration will be needed to begin again in meeting each other’s needs

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful