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Preface L aughter the best medicine is a term coined by Readers Digest and we deliver small doses in every issue of the magazine. nor displayed in any bookshop. Phones : 2309 0621 / 2301 0452 . It cannot be sold by any party. Adi Marzban Path. Youll become their favourite physician. stall or retail outlet.Published in India by Ashok Mahadevan for RDI Print and Publishing Ltd from (Regd Office) Orient House. This booklet is offered free of cost to select readers of Reader’s Digest. Mumbai 400 001 and printed by him at Manipal Press Limited. Laser Typesetting by Aqeel Associates. But we sometimes need an extra-large booster to get into really great shape. Mumbai 400 011. This book is guaranteed to keep you in good humour for a long time to come. But dont keep its benefits to yourself tell them to your family. and this book a collection of the best jokes from all over is it. Manipal. nor used for any commercial purpose whatsoever. friends and colleagues.
each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them. the tourist said. the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip. Finally. To their astonishment. please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. Overheard at the veterinarians: I had my cat neutered. answered one of the engineers. answered an engineer.. the ticket collector arrived.. The ticket collector took it and moved on. It wasnt there yesterday evening. the engineers didnt buy any. Twenty years. Soon after the train started.Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. The tourist retorted: You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half. when they reached the Qutab Minar. At Agra he admired the Tajs beauty and asked how many years it took to build. Maid: Whats your business. but the thre e engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. In the train. A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. In my country. he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build. Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village. Visitor: Which I have to pay him. ef Maid: What do you want. the lawyers took their seats. this could have been built in five. replied the guide. At the Red Fort at Delhi. How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one of the perplexed lawyers. Only ten years. Maid: And he returned this morning. So when they got to the station. Seeing this. When they boarded the train. Wait and watch. In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. and the tourist asked what it was. Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts. Ticket please. J J J 5 eee 6 . Ticket. At the station. How are you going to travel on a single ticket? asked a lawyer... said the guide. please? Visitor: There is a bill. but now hes a consultant. He knocked on the toilet door and asked. Shortly after the train started. sir? Visitor: I want to see your master. He knocked on the door and said. the guide replied: I dont know. You Indians are a lazy lot.. Wait and watch.. the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding. Hes still out all night with the other cats. they bought only one ticket.
I see. and hubby was losing his temper. But theres just one thing I dont understand. So what? his wife shot back. darling. we have got a spare one in the boot. Whats that? How did you know I was at the sari shop? F ef ef Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel.W hen an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary. How do you like your new phone? Oh. the bull stopped a few inches from the boy. Ive been having terrible obsessions for years. Drive a little faster. Be careful. As horrified workers nearby watched. saying: Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. To come and see you. Youll bring out the beast in me. ooo B oy to mother: Ive decided to stop studying. he husband said. the boy calmly continued his milking. I knew this cow was his mother-in-law. he turned her down. The next day she was out shopping when the phone rang. Its so cute and smalland your voice sounds so clear. She was thrilled and listened eagerly as he explained all its features. Dont worry. A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. I heard that that someone was shot dead. I thought we got paid for what we produce herenot for what we produce at home in our own time. Hey. I just love it! she gushed. and no one has ever been able to help me. J J J 7 8 . A patient complains to a famous psychologist: Professor. Im curious to know what he advised you to do. turned around and walked away . which one of them had in his lap. a man bought his young wife a cell phone. Excuse me. And she has five children. Werent you afraid? one of the workers asked the boy. Whos afraid of a mouse? Overheard: I can say one good thing about airline food: at least theyre considerate enough to give you only small portions. because he knew too much. Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a bomb. or their first anniversary. the bomb may go off any minute. Not at all. Hes an idiot. How come? asked the mother. the driver assured him. the boy replied . the efficient woman replied. he said to his wife. Whos been treating you until now? Dr Lal Rathor. said the man carrying the explosive. To everyones astonishment.
When I saw your car in my mirror. The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination. Dont you give your regular clients a discount eee Late one night. The man thought for a moment and said: Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. the doctor said. I have had a really lousy day. His cars speed rose to sixty. retorted the Englishman. Oh. The lift? said the American. the man thought. No. I want to marry a smart woman. a woman wholl make me happy. then seventy. the man pushed his accelerator to the floor. Oh. eee A judge looked severely at the defendant and asked. I will give you the maximum sentence. Doctor. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. the receptionist told him. The police officer got out. ready to receive a speeding ticket. and pulled over. Give me your money. The lift will be down presently. eighty. Whats next best? ef An old man gives good advice in order to console himself for no longer being able to set a bad example. you mean the elevator. said the American. Im very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver. leaned over the man and said: Listen. sirens blaring. give me my money! eee O ne man to another. I can drive. I mean the lift. . Maximum sentence? said the defendant. replied the Englishman. Thinking hed outpace the cop. and ninety. Give me a good excuse and Ill let you go. I dont deserve the best. you Honour. How many times have you been imprisoned? Nine. The best thing for you to do. Nine? In this case.A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind. You cant do thisIm a politician! In that case. Make up your mind. and I just want to go home. is give up drinking and smoking. I think I should know what it is called. No ticket. Mister. the affluent man replied. But we invented the language.Le Rochefoucauld 9 10 . get to bed early and stay away from women. Indignant. Perhaps. Finally. he demanded. a good woman. Elevators were invented in the States. said the friend to the old man. replied the robber. ef J J J An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. dont worry. said the patient. I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me. what the heck.
replied the drunk. speaking at a luncheon in London: A home accidents survey which showed that ninety percent of accidents on staircases involved either the top or the bottom step. I really go for you in a big way. But I dont have much time. I didnt mean the next diaper. and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement. isnt it? crowed the drunk. How do you spell it? he replied. a young wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers. she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. My mother helps me. Id sure like to speed like to speed things up between us.A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window. ooo The editor of a small weekly newspaper. Youve been dead for ages. ran a scathing editorial under the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS. dont stir it then. well. Asked how accidents could be reduced. would you mind explaining why youre doing this? It scares away the elephants. The next time the baby was wet. I have to be back in the morning. As they danced. The Duke of Gloucester. Many prominent local politicians were outraged. he said. When she asked. But I am dancing as fast as I can. But I dont see any elephants around here. Peter. Look sweetheart. But. Not a single one. Tom replied. arrived at heavens gate. Tom ordered tea. Venkataratnam Narasimha Rattaiah. He looked puzzled. the computer answered: Remove the top and bottom steps. Did you have a friend you cared for? No. Ah. Effective. Perhaps you loved a pet? Did you not feel a love for nature? No. she protested wide-eyed. said the woman. Excuse me. 11 12 . Peter asked him if hed ever loved a woman. S taying at a small-town hotel. he said. Im busy. he replied finally. He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS. No. What took you so long to get here? asked a surprised St. St. the man replied. Oh. I meant the next baby! ooo A man who had just died. A small Indian boy appeared in the class of a London schoolteacher for the first time and she asked him his name. Shortly afterwards. Ill do the next one. he kept making passes at her but without much result. was fed into a computer. Finally. said the woman sitting next to him. J J J After they had brought their first baby home from hospital. thank you. Before allowing him entry. annoyed at legislation that had eee recently been passed. Sugar in your tea? she shouted. No. he said. A young soldier who was on a twenty four-hour pass went to a dance in town and there met an attractive young woman. a girl threw open the door.
I. he whined. I love you. Bhagwan will bless you. A poor man sat begging outside a temple. there is a lawyer. he asked. For Gods sake. Dad. Johnnys father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. while his father was trying to read. where there is a rule. and so here I am. son. I will show you what exasperation is! He dialled once again. many dropped rupee notes in his bowl. Why dont you look up numbers before you dial them? You see? said Ernies father.. And on hearing the voice at the other end.. But watch this! He then dialled the number again. Then he jumped up. on hearing the screeching sounds. When Paul was working as a salesman at a supermarket. there is a loophole. He never knew what they expected to hear. Ill give you a practical demonstration. Annoyed wife to husband: Cant you say weve been married twenty-four years instead of almost a quarter of a century? ef The sign on the door of a lawyers chamber reads: Where there is a will. The family dog was at there too. One day he asked a shopper.. What is the difference between anger and exasperation? Well. Hello. In the name of Bhagwan give before choosing a melon. But the devotees gave him very little. there is law. Hello. Now. said his father.. As customers came out of the shop in high spirits. the man replied. shoppers would hold the fruit upto their ears and knock on it. In disgust the beggar left the temple and sat outside a country liquor shop. where there is law. Son. there is a rule. he cried. His father picked up the phone and dialled a number. is Melvin there? Now look here! the voice said angrily. said a voice at the other end. Have there been any calls for me? Husband to wife as they emerge from a long session with a marriage guidance counsellor: Darling.I. where there is a way. Hello. Ernies father said: Hello! This is Melvin. truly inscrutable are thy ways! You give one address but live in another. There you go again. slammed his newspaper on the floor and yelled. All I know is that if you just pick up a melon and put it your bag. snapped his wife. Thanking God. and says. said Ernies father. Ive been doing this for forty years. he noticed that this hungry man some money to fill his belly.Little Ernie was having a problem with his homework. everybody looks at you as if youre crazy. J J there is a way. That was anger. where there is a loophole.I. That man was not at all happy with our call. cant you play something the dog doesnt know? 14 L . the beggar said: Hey Bhagwan. ooo 13 ittle Johnny was practising the violin in the living room. began to howl. A few paise in the name of Bhagwan. and. I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again! Did you hear that? Ernies father asked...again. Is Melvin there? There is no one called Melvin here! the voice replied.
Well. For Heavens sake.Horace Walpole W hat made you marry Daddy. sir. I see. itll take you about 20 minutes. I hope you wiped your shoes on the doormat while coming in? Back came the rejoinder. . sir. Well. he grumbled.. lady. Love.Anton Chekov The world is a comedy to those who think.. said the doctor thought-fully. so the traveller kept walking.. Since I put up those signs.. A traveller walking along a road asked an old man working in a field to how long it would take to get to the next village. Said the boss One thing our company is very particular about is cleanliness. One more thing were very particular about is honesty.. . And Sonu replied: Because. why didnt you read them before you came? J ooo S onu was saying her bedtime prayers: Please God. that is what I put in my Geography exam! Customer: Why are the signs in your window so full of spelling and grammatical mistakes? Storekeeper: So that people will think Im a fool and come in expecting to get the best of me. Why didnt you tell me that when I asked you? asked the traveller. a tragedy to those who feel. How did I know how fast you were going to walk? replied the old man.. There is no doormat outside! A teacher had just moved house with all her possessions including box after box of books. the young man replied promptly. Make Naples the capital of Italy. sir. He is the only chap I know who can make a diagnosis without asking questions. He hadnt gone far when he heard a call: Hi. is for you to find out. But the old man didnt answer. Yes. business has boomed.a veterinarian. I can afford something imported. whats the matter? he asked cheerily. As the van driver put down the last box in her second-floor flat. too! 16 15 . if youll excuse me for an hour or so Ill go along and fetch a friend of mine . Why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy? Sonus mother asked. Mummy? So youre beginning to wonder. ooo Adoctor was called in to see a rather testy aristocrat.An eager young man entered his prospective bosss cabin for an interview.. make Naples the capital of Italy. That. eee D octor: Shall I gave your wife a local anaesthetic? Businessman: Certainly not. mister. growled the patient. friendship. and respect do not unite a people as much as a common hatred of something.
he works so hard I see him for only about an hour each day.M y father wants me to have everything he did not have when he was a boy. This is the job Ive been looking for all my life. I had no idea his first name was Always. I think so. said the youngest kid. Applicant . madam. bursting into tears. Its not fair. When the would-be recruit went home. ask a man. The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have sometime to come up with the answer. A month later the sales manager spotted him walking about in a police uniform. Have you weighed your little boy? A son. Sir. but doesnt that shows how much in demand I am? M eee salesman was dismissed because he was rude to a customer.Yes. 17 ooo When I eventually met Mr Right. Here the customer is always wrong. anager . replied his dad. The one who obeys me immediately and does exactly as hes told without arguing will get a rupee at the end of the week. Since he was the Chiefs nephew. W hy do they call the language we speak our mother-tongue? asked the ef Because fathers so seldom gets a chance to use it.From your references I see youve had four jobs in the last month. said the sales manager. Daddyll win easily. Its all right. . asked the examiner.? Mrs. Oh. They have already got me working on a case. A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed in the written Who shot Abraham Lincoln?. Mathur. I see youve joined the force. Pretty well. Well. if you want anything done. The mother of many children lined up her family. how did it go? Did you get the job?. The examiner told him to come back the next morning. ask a woman. Mother: I sent my little boy for one kilo of plums and you only sent 800 grams. he replied. eee Hows your husband. the examiner decided to go easy on him with the oral test. sir. Bhatnagar. Yes. the hour soon passes. I think . Mathur asked her friend. You poor thing.Rita Rudner In politics. Grocer: My scales are all right. . said Mrs.Margaret Thatcher 18 . if you want anything said. What didnt he have? All As on his report card. examination. his wife asked.
How many months? the Judge persisted. then checked his records. Accused: That is what I tried to tell these policemen. the woman answered. One hundred and eight. you shouldnt judge by appearances. Twenty-one years and some months.Samuel Butler . Whats the meaning of this? I just counted my pay and its a dollar short! The cashier examined the envelope. the tourist said to the mountaineer. . Steno : Why. I told you that I didnt want to see you here again. . The employee stormed angrily into the cashiers office. J J Two employers were talking. Then it wasnt my son. Oh. what happened? Woman begins by resisting a mans advances.Louis Morris Life is one long process of getting tired. Your son just threw a rock at me as I passed by. asked the psychoanalyst. You didnt complain then. Im not. Im judging by disappearances! Hey. and ends by blocking his retreat. .J udge: The last time I saw you. Remember you are under oath. Did it hit you? No. His views are pretty much like your own. An occasional mistake I can overlook .George Carlin You can always tell when a man is well informed. replied the other. but they would not believe me. Do you ever cheat on your wife? Who else? ooo B oss : You should have been here at 8 Oclock. your Honour. Tell me.Somerset Maugham 19 20 . eee The famous film actor was being analyzed. The love that lasts longest is the love which is never returned.but two in a row is too much! W hat is your age? asked the Judge.Oscar Wilde ef Thats the trouble with being greeted Have a nice day! it puts all the pressure on you. . Last week we paid you a dollar more. Said one: I fear that young man I employed last week as a cashier is dishonest. did you? Look said the employee.
H L Mencken 21 22 . an inconspicuous little man walked to the head of the queue. An enormous queue had started to form by 7-30 a. She: How do you know? He: Ive asked them. starting at 9 a. Father: Would you still love my daughter even if she were poor? Suitor: Of course. Teacher: And how ho you know they were Indian? Pupil: Easy. She: Because no matter how stupid a man is. Once more. . ef The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. ef He: There are an awful lot of girls who dont want to get married. They had no roof over their heads. they never forgive the loss of their prerogative.and they called it Paradise. with sweeping reductions. of course. Teacher: And what nationality were they? Pupil: Indian. he is seldom blind. all progress depends on the unreasonable man. this time with a few smacks on the face and a couple of thumps from umbrellas wielded by angry women. he was shoved unceremoniously to the back. Father: Youre no good. . Chemistry Teacher: Can you give me the formula for water? Student: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-. ooo Teacher : You missed school yesterday.m. J He: I wonder why women pay more attention to beauty than to brains. Therefore. didnt you? Pupil: Not a bit.George Bernard Shaw ooo When a man laughs at his troubles he loses a great many friends. We dont want fools in our family. I wont open the shop at all today! Teacher: Who were the first human beings? Pupil: Adam and Eve. Just before the shop was due to open. the little man went to the head of the queue again. Undaunted. the unreasonable persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Angry women elbowed and pushed him until he was right at the back of the line. Chemistry Teacher: Where did you get an idea like that? Student: You told us the other day it was H to O. The little man walked to one side of the queue and said: If thats your attitude.A large notice in a shop window announced a big sale.m. no clothes to wear and only one apple between them .
Five hundred thousand. A tea manufacturer wanted a new advertising gimmick. Well give you one hundred thousand pounds for a ten second commercial.George Bernard Shaw History teaches us that men and nations live wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. Dont you recognize me? he asked. the ad man told the pontiff. All right. But I shouldnt worry too much hell probably change for the better as he gets older. The aging actor was trying to chat up the gorgeous young girl. but I cant do that.I once knew the twenty-year-old daughter of a Hollywood film actress who kept getting depressed because she didnt look as young as her mother. her eyes lighting up. said the Pope. Im sorry. Im quite well known in the movies. ooo If an artist becomes angry does he lose his temperas? ef Let no one suppose the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact they are employer and employee. I wonder how much the bread people are giving him. But still the Pope refused. disappointed adman turned to his secretary and said: Its odd that the Pope refused to do a commercial for tea. solemnly. offered the adman. . so the senior creative man at the advertising agency decided to go to Rome to see if he could persuade the Pope to make a TV commercial. and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible. replied the friend. One million pounds.Abba Eban J J J Women want mediocre men. . . ooo Pretty young girl: If I go up to your room do you promise to be good? Young man: Why I promise to be FANTASTIC! The proud mother was showing off her new baby to her friend. Yes. replied the Pope. She shook her head.Margaret Mead 23 24 . Where do you usually sit? eee The main difference between men and boys is that mens toys cost more money. Oh! she said. It reminds me of the winter of 2057. And thats our very last offer. Im afraid not. Two astrologers met each other in the street on a particularly cold and bitter day. All you have say is: Give us this day our daily tea. Terrible winter were having. muttered one. he continued. On his way back. Yes. Doesnt he look just like his father? asked the mother. replied the other.
Earlier. Mother: But youve only just started crying. Mother: Why are you crying? Sally: Because I fell and hurt myself. Thanks for getting me out of that terrible chore. please. I keep asking her but I cant understand a word she says. self-consciously: Me. put it this way who has not been carrying on with my secretary? Again there was silence. All right. said the chairman. You sack her. Do you like light or heavy reading? Customer: It doesnt matter. and then one man said. you watch them fight it out trying to decide what colour car caused the accident! J J Office worker: Sir? Boss: Yes? What is it now? Office worker: Please can I have a day off next week to do some late Christmas shopping with my wife and our six kids? Boss: Certainly not! Office worker: I knew youd be understanding. Do you have the title or name of the author? Customer: Not really. madam. then. of the car blue. Now. Bookshop assistant: No problem. What on earth are you doing? asked Claude. if I have an accident. Bookshop assistant: Certainly. Sally: I know. ef One day Claude came home from work to find his wife painting one side Customer: Id like to buy a novel. Simple! she replied. said the Chairman. I was hoping you could suggest something suitable. Whos been carrying on with my secretary? he demanded. Shed divided the car neatly in half and had already painted the other side bright yellow. Right. This was met with silence. Mother: When did that happen? Sally: About twenty minutes ago. eee 25 eee 26 . You know Ive had so many accidents and I always get caught due to the statements of the witnesses in court.The elderly aunt bent down and asked her three-year-old nephew: Can you tell me the name of your new baby sister? The little boy shook his head sadly and replied: I dont know what it is. sir. Ive left the car just outside the shop. sir. I thought youd gone out. At the company board meeting the chairman rose to make his speech. My wifes best friend has just celebrated the twentieth anniversary of her twenty-ninth birthday.
J B uoyant: male equivalent of gallant. your honour? I havent heard the evidence yet. ef Patient: Doctor. dear? Doctor: I think Ive at last cured that Smith fellow. or play around with women? Patient: Certainly not! Doctor: Then what do you want to live to a hundred for? Dogma: the mother of puppies. How can you expect to get a job when you leave school Pupil: Well. Vice versa: dirty poems. Doctors wife: So why are you so worried? Doctor: Ive given him so many pills and potions I cant work out which one worked. do you think that I will live until Im a hundred? Doctor: Do you smoke or drink? Patient: No.Thats a nice suit youre wearing who went for the fitting? J udge: How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty? Prisoner: How do I know. doctor? Is it missing? eee 27 28 . Ultimate: the last person to marry. Teacher: Everything you do is wrong. every time I take this young mans pulse it gets faster. ooo ooo Doctors wife: Why are you looking so worried. sir! Im going to be a TV weatherman. Doctor: Do you drive fast cars. ef Pretty young nurse: Doctor. Just give him a blindfold. B acteria: the back entrance to a cafeteria. gamble. Doctor: Nurse! Did you take this patients temperature? Nurse: Why. Should I give him a sedative? Doctor: No.
Oh. I was thrown out of my flat this morning. On the way home Fred shook the bird and shouted: What do you mean by keeping quiet? You made me lose a ten to one bet! Dont worry! squawked the parrot. Mrs Bloggs: How do you know? The young man walked into the pet shop and asked if he could buy 387 beetles. and took the parrot down to his pub. what would you do? Mrs Smith: Id probably get a pet dog instead. I know where your mummy is. I accept your bet.Estate agent to young house-hunting couple: First you tell me what you can afford. Shush! whispered the little boy. At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work. Im from the Income Tax Department. Then well have a good laugh about it and go on from there. found her young son. and I want a third! ef Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune. 29 . Fred was unable to make the parrot talk let alone tell jokes. replied the young man. if your husband suddenly dropped dead. I dont know what to do! Everyone looked the other way. 30 eee The frantic-looking lady came rushing out of her house into the street and cried: Help! Help! My young son has swallowed a coin and is choking. but we can only supply the mice. Tomorrow youll be able to get fifty to one. replied Fred. after month of hard work. All right. jeered the pub regulars. Mummy! Where are you? cried the little boy on the promenade. Well give you ten to one that your parrot cant tell us a joke. said a small girl. I know where she is. turned him upside down and shook him until the coin fell out of his mouth. boasted Fred. too. but Ive managed to get two free ice creams this morning. I dont know what you put in this soup. except for a middle-aged gentleman who rushed into the ladys house. 18 rats and five mice. ooo M ummy. Insurance salesman: Surely your husband needs more life insurance? I mean. to tell jokes. You poor little boy. This is my incredible joke-telling parrot. sir. ef Is a drunken ghost a methylated spirit? J J J eee Mr Bloggs: Darling. He had trained his parrot. thank you! cried the lady. Are you a doctor? No madam. Go on . replied the middle-aged man. But try as he could. And my landlord says I must leave the place exactly as I found it. said an elderly lady. Im sorry. Come with me and Ill get you an ice cream and then well go and look for your mummy. but it tastes like dishwater. But what did you want all the other creatures for? asked the pet shop manager.
Hilary: Youre the first man Ive ever said yes to. shouted Alberts mother. Certainly. the more we drink. then looked at his notebook. eee eee Teacher: Mavis. Youll be late for school. Youve been a staunch Socialist all your life. it isnt. and its all extremely boring. A heavily built policeman got out and walked over.Al Capone Wealth is like sea water. the thirstier we become. But. miss. replied the driver. raced in front of a speeding car and forced it to stop.Schopenhauer ooo If a plug would not fit. Well. . ooo You can get a lot more done with a kind word and gun. the same is true of fame. But why? asked his puzzled friends. miss. its siren blaring. can you tell me which month is the shortest? Mavis: Its May. . he replied. But I dont want to go. the teachers are terrible. February has eight letters in it while May only has three! A lifelong Socialist was dying when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party. The policeman thought for a moment. Teacher: No. Mavis: But. Its Horatio Xerxes Laertes Idomeneus Aeneas Asclepius Iphicles Menoeceus Memnon Philoctetes Tyndareus Hylas. but we are trying to hurry it up for you. taking out his notebook and pen. All the kids are horrible. Id rather it was a Tory that died than a Socialist. I want to stay home. protested Albert. G et up. would you socket? 31 32 . sir. replied Alberts mother. than you can with a kind word alone. Ive said no to lots and lots of men. Customer: Then can you assure me that youre using the right bait? The police car. officer. shook his head and said: Ill just give you a warning this time dont break the speed limit again. please? asked the policeman. You name. In fact. The shortest month is February. Herbert: What were they selling? Customer: Waiter! How much longer do you expect me to have to wait for my poached salmon? Waiter: Im sorry. youre forty-three and the headmaster of the school.