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civic duty. it’s blatant and shameless but expertly played. But also with trepidation. Columbia City Paper Reader Age. I feel like a schoolgirl again! Yet. I argue. Columbia City Paper Dear Palin reality show experiment. let your benefactor know. Some of you recently asserted that And I? . you said. Reality TV Celebrity. See. kiss the soccer mom vote goodbye. The dark gallows humor that all Carolina fans possess was forged in the fires of anguish and loss and humility. at the end of the day.Letters to the Dear homeless man. I postulate. I’d support that all day. I want to sing! I want to spontaneously break into dance with strangers on Main Street. Instead we see that either a. early as the Neolithic Period of the Stone Columbia City Paper december 3. like some shit out of a Broadway musical. he might have needed at least a few gourds of ale to make her look even semipassable. they need to tell Biden to hit the showers. Otherwise. After all. The only reason Gary Coleman lost his gubernatorial bid in California is because Arnold Schwarzenegger was on the ballot.) she can’t humanize and step out of her robotic public persona for a millisecond while the cameras are around or b. concepts like bathing and lingerie and shaved landing strips were alien in the Neolithic. Of course. and competency). who doesn’t quite hold her own in hard politics? You back her up a step. was the same back then as it is today. To combat the coming juggernaut in 2012. Celebrities are shoe-ins. the Democrats need to adapt in the same way Republicans have (i.. Spooked in the way an undiscovered tribe would be after its first glimpse of an airplane. and they need to run an Obama/Oprah ticket. Instead of “something” just say “Robitussin” or “cooking sherry. Seeing the Gamecocks atop the East is like encountering space aliens or some terrible giant god bird in the sky. We’re supposed to see her folksy. compass heading for a broad new horizon. cocked her furry Cro-Magnon brow and flashed a toothless grin. rebrand her as “Sarah Palin. human side. A cavewoman back then probably made even the ripest of Russian armpits smell like roses. drop antiquated concepts like legitimacy. Columbia City Paper Dear Gamecocks football fans. I am frightened.) even more frightening: that caricature is who she really is. there’s a risk that the show could backfire. draped in a goat pelt. Instead. A bit of sales advice: future transactions will be easier for all of us if just level with me when you make your pitch. Booze.e.. When you asked for a dollar for “something to drink” I thought you’d be pleased with my generous contribution of two unopened Coke Zeros. actually helped facilitate the rise of early civilization by greasing the rails when neighboring tribes gathered together to feast. what do you do when you have a perfect figurehead. pride. You simply discovered the invention of early beer goggles. Just don’t be pissed when you ask for a “drink” and receive one. Personally. this is America and most voters aren’t much for abstract thought. I want to twirl around light poles and click my heels and do jazz hands on the hoods of taxicabs. you turned your nose up and started griping about diabetes and cash flow. but alcohol’s primary function. We are afloat on a ship with no Dear archaeology community. 2010 3 . In typical Republican fashion.” and America will vote for her all day. However. for its role in tribal relations. But. Our reality has been torn asunder too quickly for our collective consciousness to process it. How do we move forward from here? Surely with excitement into a bold new future. Certainly beer was instrumental in the evolvement of human society. sidled up to ancient man. As I know you are. Inventing the social gathering is one thing. But not. its benefit is most evident in terms of procreation of the species. When she.An asshole reduced to writing primitive humans were brewing beer as melodramatic prose.” If your plans for the evening involve huffing spray paint and disrobing in a convenience store. Being a Gamecock fan molded me into the proud cynic I am today. regardless. That misunderstanding could have been avoided with more honesty and specificity on your part. In reality. dudes probably haven’t changed much in the last 11 millennia.

Because candidates assume that the public loathes excess federal spending. had requested tax credits for a historic restaurant and hotel Portman’s family owns. Senate candidate Robin Carnahan has called for a november 18. Republican Senate candidate Dino Rossi owns a share of a minor-league baseball team. grants or tax breaks. the discrepancy has drawn attention. the company took $5 million in state infrastructure tax credits. south of Cleveland. In Missouri. The Huffington Post Investigative Fund.7 million in “cash for clunkers” funds. Second Thoughts by Auto Dealers Other candidates say that at the time their private firms took government money.500 for 39 transactions under the clunkers program. it plays an increasingly important role in the lives of all Americans. Now in a tough re-election race. but Chandler has previously said he had nothing to do with his wife’s hiring. Forty employees lost their jobs. This year. Democrats critical of stimulus program effectiveness also had family members who received benefits. reaped $9. says the University of Minnesota’s Jacobs. the role of government spending — and especially the stimulus — has become a flashpoint in elections around the country. Troy Ribble. received $107 million in stimulus funds last year. state government tax breaks have supported construction at the stadium where the team plays. a University of Minnesota political science professor. World Wrestling Entertainment.7 million of products to the federal government and $29 million in raw materials to the state in the last five years. While hostility toward Washington is the hallmark of this election season. Asked about the switch during the campaign he said. to help administer stimulus funds for Kentucky transportation projects. Carnahan’s campaign did not respond to requests for comment. adding that he eliminated his own pay in December 2008 to avoid layoffs. a bank failure or a broader economic crisis. Republican John Raese frequently attacks “professional politicians’ out-ofcontrol spending spree” as he promises voters that he’ll rein in the federal budget. is one of several auto dealers seeking congressional seats who now denounce the “cash for clunkers” program but earlier took advantage of part of it.” The most common target of criticism has been the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. a Republican candidate who owned Renacci-Doraty Chevrolet in Wadsworth. Before he ran for Congress. . government “is still where Americans look in times of a crisis. “Initially the program looked to be a success. Ben Chandler’s ads emphasize his independence and seldom identify him as a Democrat. bloated bureaucracy and … unthinkable debt. But the ubiquity of federal largess means there’s so much money out there. of course. who represents the 6th district of Kentucky. What was learned from cash for clunkers is that “we cannot rely on big government to fix the private sector.By Kimberly Leonard. In Washington state. The situation was even more dire for Jim Renacci.” whether it’s an oil spill in the gulf. A spokeswoman for Rossi said the stadium received the money. In any case. Portman’s campaign said that the request for aid was later withdrawn. employers or relatives who got contracts. In some races. he said. His campaign did not respond to requests for comment. Republican Senate candidate Linda McMahon has also faced criticism. Wind Capital Group. Though his business received $168. The Center for Public Integrity In his quest for West Virginia’s Senate seat. according to data from the Transportation Department. McMahon’s high-profile company. even those who hate it seem to benefit from it. according to the Transportation Department. House candidate Scott Rigell. Stimulus in Wisconsin. cutting company revenue and putting employees at risk. “Despite red-faced anger about government.” as sales dropped and the industry continued to struggle. The operator of a restaurant owned by the family of Rob Portman. Customers would have sought business elsewhere. Republican House candidate Reid Ribble bashed the stimulus even though a construction firm owned by members of his family won a contract for $130. “I resent the government for putting our family business in that position. Republican businessman Tom Ganley. Missouri. they rail against it. the candidate’s nephew and new owner of the company. Kentucky In Appleton. Rigell said his company and its 240-person staff would have been at risk if he had not participated in the clunkers program.” Ganley said. Chandler came under fire last year when it was revealed that the state hired his wife. sold $2. not the team itself.000 in stimulus funds to repair the roof of a local elementary school. McMahon says that the company has been run solely by her husband since she stepped down as CEO in September 2009 to run for office. participated in the program with his auto dealerships netting $568. but later came out against it. Ganley’s auto dealership received almost $3.. the stimulus promised to revitalize the economy by sending $787 billion around the country to create jobs and spur economic activity.. Raese is among roughly two dozen Republican and Democratic candidates in this fall’s congressional elections who attack federal largess but have benefited from it through companies. his dealership was eliminated by General Motors earlier this year as part of a government-mandated restructuring. Discrepancies between statement and deed. at a salary paying nearly $80.” Rigell said. the Center for Public Integrity and the Huffington Post Investigative Fund have found. 2010 4 halt to expanded stimulus spending proposed by President Barack Obama. the GOP Senate candidate in Ohio. are nothing new in politics. Ohio. Greer Industries Inc. Inc. “A country that is now increasingly dependent on government is now increasingly hostile to government. She is running a campaign tirade against big government with ads blasting “reckless spending.” noted Lawrence Jacobs. who has decried the stimulus and other government spending. In southern Virginia. … But the next few months showed we were wrong. Wis. and Aaron Mehta. Twenty-one months later.” But in 2009.000 a year. Passed in February 2009. Controversy has also beset Democrat Ben Chandler. What the businessman-turned-politician leaves unspoken is that his own company has benefited from taxpayer spending. He was initially in favor of the program.8 million in state film tax credits from the two previous years. State Film Tax Credits In Connecticut. she says that the publicly traded company had a responsibility to shareholders to seek the credits. running a wellfunded campaign for Ohio’s 13th District. confirmed.500 for 137 sales. But her opponent points out that a company owned by Carnahan’s brother. they thought the initiatives might help the struggling economy and decided only later that the programs had been a mistake.

. “Who’s Tim Scott?” she whispered back. Fox News and Channel 5 News. and that was enough. County Councilman Tim Scott walked in with several other men and took a table near ours. She supported fellow southerner Jimmy Carter in 1980. She said she was particularly moved by Haley’s ads comparing Sheheen to Obama. really. She certainly voted against Barack Obama two years ago.well. Even so. As a result. but she would hear none of that. Jennifer’s political attitudes seem at odds with the reality of her life. She said she is actually tilting toward Pentecostal these days.My Friend JenniFer Knowing her helps me understand this crazy state I have a friend named . She doesn’t know much about local politics or politicians either. a native and lifelong resident of Charleston County. She doesn’t read much of anything. I have not pointed out that such policies defy the laissez-faire rules she seems to support for everyone else. In fact. she has spent much of the year on unemployment and she frets constantly that her benefits may soon be cut off. she told me. with the exception of lieutenant governor.” But she understood why she voted for Nikki Haley for governor. “That’s Tim Scott.” I whispered to Jennifer. When we were having lunch in a Charleston restaurant a couple of years ago. She was born and raised a Baptist. except to say that he “has no substance. She makes her modest living as a film driver. though she has never used it professionally. She also appreciates the job protection it offers when she is working. Neither did I before I met Jennifer. and on the larger society. Jennifer is not a racist or homophobe. december 3. but Jennifer does not think there was anything socialist about that. Film production has not been good in the area lately. meaning that when a movie production company comes to town. What she knows of the world she has learned from CNN. You probably didn’t know there was such a career as film driver. Until white people in South Carolina can open their eyes to what is happening around them – and to the role their behavior plays in it – this state will remain economically and socially undeveloped. Jennifer has a psychology degree from Charleston Southern University. “I hated Obama. But she has never touched marijuana or any other illegal drug. She thinks that state government should offer more incentives to bring film companies to the state. Jennifer doesn’t read a newspaper.. but even when she does not attend church on Sunday morning. she hires on to drive the actors and other bigwigs around. She cannot separate herself from the herd and she cannot see the effect her behavior has on her own circumstances. She lives on a road By Will Mordock that bears her family name. Jennifer has voted GOP in every presidential election since she was old enough to vote – with one exception. but because he is a Republican. not out of support for his words or deeds. but has not been going to church much in recent years – something about a falling out with her minister. she is a member of the Teamsters Union and acknowledges that union membership is what makes it possible for her to earn up to $1.500 a week hauling movie stars around. she assured me that she watches a service on TV. Her cousin Robert Barber was the hapless Democrat nominated for that office. I can say that she is one of the most generous. As a film driver.” She couldn’t explain her feelings. but she was opposed to healthcare reform because it is socialist and includes death panels. Jennifer is nearly 50 years old..I just don’t like him. 2010 5 . like most white people in this state she is guilty of groupthink. But she voted for Scott for Congress in last month’s election. Her mother spent the last years of her life heavily dependent of Medicare. let’s just call her Jennifer. I tried to explain to her that it is Republicans who want to take away unemployment. on a small remnant of a 17th century royal land grant to one of her ancestors. She knew nothing of Haley’s or Democrat Vince Sheheen’s platforms. she voted a straight GOP ticket. like so many of her fellow GOPers. She doesn’t seem at all conflicted in supporting a Republican state government that does everything it can to limit union power and boasts that South Carolina has the lowest rate of union membership in the nation. but she knew that Sheheen supported Obama. She has gotten only one gig in the past year.. there is nothing in her theology that prevents her from enjoying a cold beer or a Margarita when the situation calls for it. But when it comes to politics. In fact. big-hearted people I know. She has no health insurance.

I get another question. “Don’t you think it’s funny how the far right has convinced its Christian base that God endorses greed.] JD: That’s not fair. Ten left. Attorney General Henry McMaster. thrilled with the state’s African-American [Interviewer’s note: All 14 Transition electorate? Team members responded in unison to my questions. She has plenty of money left from her campaign and is making daily trips to Lahore to bring back boatloads of the stuff—enough to make everyone in JD: So I guess Nikki couldn’t make it this sari state forget the boiled peanut ever today? existed. rub it. A lot has been made lately of the Haley Transition Team. and Former Sanford Deputy Chief of Staff Chad “Sticky Fingers” Walldorf.S. come 2014. Yes. some kind of veggie fritter? TT: Granted. JD: Okay. that one. Ashley Landess. a more serious question. such as local parks. boasting that he wanted the room to be “famously hotter than Hades. when actually Jesus and the first several generations of Christians were outright Socialists? ” . You can’t count but pakora? Isn’t that an Indian snack food. and far fewer of those pesky social services that we’ve all come to hate. I think we can expect to see corruption and ignorance at an all-time high. with enough bullet-riddled bodies in the streets to build a tower to Jehovah. Landess opened a sweaty wooden door. wherein all 14 towel-clad Transition Team members were talking political turkey and sweating up a neocon storm. it should be interesting to behold life in a U. Speaker of the House David Wilkins. and perhaps a precursor to what life in South Carolina under the Haley Administration is likely to resemble toward the end of her first term. fire stations and public libraries. She’s on I’m assuming the Transition Team must be a pakora run. I was granted an interview with the Haley Transition Team—probably because I lied and told them my name was Dirté Sanchez with El Diario de Juarez. Upon my return from Juarez.S. almost as much as the politicians suck the dirty cock of organized crime.by Jaroslav Dampfstain For the past six months. and all the other diabolical principles of political conservatism. Mexico. president of the Policy Council and a member of Haley’s Fiscal Crisis Task Force (another new administration camarilla). You’ve answered JD: I hate to waste a question on this. Indeed. so I needed to see it (lap it. S.C. Transition Team: That’s question one. It was like engaging in dialogue TT: How do you mean? with the Teabag Borg. a question with a question. I was granted unprecedented access during one of the Transition Team’s recent weekly meetings at South Carolina Policy Council Global Teabag Headquarters in Columbia. in Juarez. corn-hole it) for myself. It was a miracle that my fake Salvador Dali mustache didn’t fall off my upper lip during the course of the interview—despite the fact that Transition Team member Derick Close kept heaping coals on the pit. a cabal of 14 veteran Palmetto politicos including former U. then followed her deep within the bowels of the building. It is truly a sight to behold.C. and we entered a large sauna. I resisted making a joke about a water buffalo hitting my car. Now that the Palmetto peasantry has taken the plunge to make the Great Teabag Social Experiment a reality. I was told that the Chihuahuan Desert was the only place on this godforsaken planet more hot and corrupt than our famously infernal town. state without social services. she couldn’t make it. I’ve been living like a curdogge in the fleabag motels and dirty denizens of Ciudad Juarez. She handed me a towel and ordered me to strip. I cocked my brow (and browed my cock) and obeyed. I was directed to sit near the coal pit and told I could ask the Transition Team 11 questions. militaristic murder.” TT: Governor-Elect Haley intends to declare by gubernatorial fiat that pakora is the official state snack. Sorry if you voted for Haley charmed by her king cobra lies about governing outside the realm of the bubba system. newborns nurse bottles of salsa picante copiously. No. met me at the front door wrapped in a towel. 6 december 2. 2010 Ambassador and S.

Indian-Americans don’t necessarily fall within that stereotype. please mail it to the City Paper in care of Señor Sanchez. We’ll work on that for 2014. Two questions remaining. TT: South Carolina blacks do not regard Indian-Americans as poorly as L. a former military general.] endorses greed. I noticed that a water buffalo had indeed hit my car—or maybe it was just Mayor Benjamin’s SUV. can the state budget and literally drown the baby carry off this logistical challenge without a hitch. that would made a nice image. But I’ve been driving around Columbia in my birthday suit ever since. as least the corruption there is organized. Does Governor-Elect Haley like being on top? I don’t mean to offend—I know her husband is a Transition Team member—but throughout most of the campaign I think the general public perceived that she liked coming from behind. Thank God I still had that towel. I’m headed back to Juarez soon. has elected a minority woman as its political chief executive. Then she and her libertarian comrades will lap up whatever blood remains. Thank God blacks don’t care sufficiently about their own political self-interest to show up every election.A. Don’t you think it’s funny how the far right has convinced its Christian base that God JD: Final question. Does it hurt? TT: Does what hurt? JD: Well. Governor-Elect Haley will not drown the baby. JD: Five! You answered another question with a question.] december 2. JD: I suppose even left-leaning citizens should celebrate the fact that South Carolina. Close threw a bucket of water on my face. militaristic murder. But what about the reference whispering amongst themselves. That’s two would have come out of the woodwork and questions. poor children and replace them with math and science prodigy orphans from Mumbai. we intend to secretly bury alive all the stupid. He also tugged on my fake mustache. JD: How will you work with the new State Superintendent of Education to reform one of the worst K-12 systems in the country? TT: In the middle of the night. JD: That brings up an interesting point. JD: I thought Haley was doing everything possible to dissociate herself from her Indian heritage. but we agree that Sheheen would have kicked ass if the election had been in 2012. and all the other diabolical principles of political conservatism. Do you use any particular unguents or ointments to soothe the ache? [Mr. brothers hate Korean liquor store owners. Can you hazard a guess as to why? TT: Ever heard of the caste system? You have four questions left. squashed your little Lexington lady. JD: Is it true that Governor-Elect Haley We have confidence that Superintendentintends to cut at least one billion more from Elect Zais. The answer is no. Count yourself lucky if the state budget could cover a 12-pack of Thums Up when she’s done. TT: If you only knew how deep the conspiracy runs. If you find a fake mustache. Do you think it’s a coincidence that two ultraconservative Indian-Americans have now won governorships in the South? Achtung the subcontinent! Soon you will all worship Bollywood and cows. with intent methinks. If Obama had the Gospels and the Book of Acts? been on the November ticket.[Mr. She plans to throw the baby out of the bathtub to a pack of hungry pit bulls and smile lasciviously as the baby is eaten alive before her very eyes. TT: You aren’t really with El Diario de JD: Wow. despite all its corruption and history. That must hurt insanely. are you? there. The stereotype is that ethnic minorities vote solidly Democratic. when actually Jesus and the first several generations of Christians were outright Socialists? Or have you never read JD: Let’s be blunt. [Members of the Transition Team began TT: True. You’re down to three. in the bathtub? TT: Ooh. Close ladled some water on the coal pit and in so doing destroyed my audio recorder. I kicked over the coal pit and in the ensuing melee managed to emerge relatively unscathed onto Pendleton Street. the blacks TT: Funny indeed. another Indian food reference Juarez. I noticed in to Queen Jezebel? Every ruler need an a mirror that my fake mustache was hanging on by a thread. and several members of the Transition Team tried to jump me. 2010 7 .] historical referent. Howard Rich has his hand shoved far up all your asses feeding you these lines of libertarian garbage.

2010 .8 december 3.

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which he applies to objects one least expects.” Johnson especially pokes fun at the very idea of the layman collector plate. His reuse teapot piece entitled “Made in China #2” is a classic representation of the Johnson style. and computers. He finished a BFA in Ceramics in 1997 and soon started working with the Pottery Liberation Front (PLF). It takes several moments for the mind’s eye to determine the narrative of this ceramic delicacy: what the art lover might perceive as pretty is.” The show featured the artist’s new works of reused and repainted ceramics. a Norman Rockwell piano scene with would-be Dick & Jane flapper singers. the classic convertible becomes a symbol of industrial waste. With the latter. where he learned to entertain himself. and craft raising its middle finger. These works fell comfortably in the cracks between ceramics. Extreme Craft. printmaking. Johnson’s website. and more importantly. the attitudes of ceramic artists toward art.” (Not exactly the stereotypical ceramicist mantra!) Johnson is the co-host of the DVD “Reconstruct” and author of the book 1. Johnson uses plates—both commercial blanks and collector’s plates—as foils for his computer-generated ceramic decals and china paint. “An Exhibition of Altered Vessels. “Retropollution” and “Practice. With the two other plates. which documents creative reuse-material projects. Johnson finds an opportunity to comment on the vapid lyrics of popular song from any age. including tea pots and dinner plates. Johnson completed an MFA at Alfred University in New York and currently teachers at College of the Redwoods in Eureka. Johnson’s multi-message disc piece. combining them to bear larger images in tandem. He melds Rockwellian skills and images with serious social criticism that is embedded— or perhaps etched—in every niche of popular culture. . A pop-culture junkie. Johnson’s art is a strong. California. which is the piece’s central design. Johnson’s ceramics demonstrate the ongoing artistic dynamic to be freshly creative yet classically intellectual. Small 10 december 3. narrative critique of popular culture.000 Ideas for Creative Reuse. and spent his formative years in a sparsely-populated area. boundaries that I find interesting. craft masquerading as art. is a “compendium of art masquerading as craft.McMaster Gallery at USC presented Garth Johnson’s ceramic exhibition. Johnson explains his work. modern art is as much about innovation as it is about commentary.” Indeed.” is a collection of four former collector’s plates with several distinct narratives. painting. “I began china painting blank plates and using computer laser decals. With the former. a polemic against pollution. “4 Plates. ornate cloud of pollution. This elegant teapot is now a vessel of industrial criticism. in fact. Nebraska. “Rugged Individuals” and “Snake Oil” both present a strong criticism of male-female human interaction—even if the subjects are anthropomorphic cats and dogs. his plates serve as a vehicle for commentary on contemporary society. 2010 yellow hue factory smokestacks release an overwhelming. The PLF is an artistic movement with the goal of challenging art world attitudes toward clay. Johnson was born in Lincoln.

and soon figures that it’s nearly impossible to yank one’s chain with his feet. because I’m a traditionalist--but I have to admit if they ever make a Jenny McCarthy navel Fleshlight. Who doesn’t? (Pope Benedict. Man gets patent. if you know what I mean.com . That’s right. which was for -.masturbate! I can masturbate in a myriad of ways. The back story goes something like this: Man craves sex. I’ll be honest: Fleshlight isn’t a pussy replacement by any means. (Do not buy those Fleshlight knockoffs down at the Dollar Store. I opened the box to discover a nicely decorated metal cylinder. you have many Fleshlight options. it was $44. well. the mold was fashioned after an ugly downtown Cleveland cleaning lady. I found myself still sweatily banging the hell out of a black flashlight with a twat for a tip. A wholehand dry rub makes for too much chafing and reminds me of my junior prom night. But if you’re a man of variety. while surfing the Internet for porn. even while juggling chainsaws. mouth or anus. as I said. So I bought a pink-flesh pussy Fleshlight. I discovered male masturbation aids. Man’s wife can’t have sex temporarily. “bristolpalinvagmold. I didn’t even bother to read the directions. I prefer a lubricant. Red Butt Bulgaria. the Fleshlight fake skin material began falling out toward my dick (like a roast beef curtain call). and I hear Nikki a’callin’. Instead of a bulb and lens at the end.” Again. I named her after you know who! talkback@columbiacitypaper.) But for everyone else. Lets face it.” The rest is lucrative male sex aid history. that’s who.no joke -. It’s uncomfortable after the seventh straight hour of use. On Amazon. but I gotta go. Then. These exist. com. I popped in the batteries and some classic porn: Peter North slams Nina Hartley. (Okay. This thing looks like a Mag. Man tires of his right hand. it’s definitely another Dicks Up favorable review.) I purchased my Fleshlight on Amazon because. but Jergens is fine. anxiety. that is. it’s a cure-all. when I was lying on my back. The king of this industry is the Fleshlight. But for a dry rub. I’m a traditionalist. You’re all dying to know. I prefer the two fingers at the bottom of the shaft. which I imagine is intended to give the device some internal stability-or perhaps is meant to replicate an absentminded girlfriend who accidentally left her tampon in her twat before succumbing to coitus. it offers a sexual orifice. then ultimately leaves him for the UPS guy. depression -. You can purchase a Fleshlight from many places. In a pinch. I own a vagina Fleshlight. You get what you pay for. The other user problem is a tube in the middle of the Fleshlight skin. as if I were fucking some senior citizen whose octogenarian pussy hangs at her knees. but it’s really a vag. discreet semen-collecting lady of the night. without this aid you end up filling the belly ice tray every night and your favorite shirt is ruined from crusty stains that are so bad that you try to convince your friends and family you are the world’s messiest eater. meant to mimic being inside a woman. toward the bottom. Man invents Fleshlight in his garage. I’m whipping it out--my wallet. Really. like something a fancy-schmancy fruity Vodka might be sold in. then tires of his left hand. maybe that’s two words.) The day my Fleshlight arrived. you’ll know what I mean when I say closing the bottom cap provides a sucking sensation. Stress. ranging from adult websites to Amazon.com. My 15-minute break is up.” (Ever want to stick your dick in Jenna Haze’s “asset”? Fleshlight is your man--I mean. Volume XIX. Several hours later. Sorry to cut it short. Anyway. including Fleshlights designed to copy porn star “assets. preferably K-Y. Fucking comes innately. when I had advanced to Big Hand. In fact. consider the alternative: Vaginal Simulacrum in a Pringles can.“device for discreet semen collection. One can choose vagina. I didn’t like the idea of a package arriving at my doorstep with the return label reading. What does it feel like? One word: FUCKING FUN.I love to masturbate. I’ll use Aquafresh or even dry rub. Before they put you on a feeding tube.) For fellow Fleshlight users.

5 Steps Tuesday December 14 New Brookland Tavern Haste The Day (Last Tour Ever) Oh Sleeper Our Last Night Conditions Wednesday December 15 New Brookland Tavern The World We Knew We Sail At Dawn Invoking The Abstract The Terrigen Mists Shipsinker Utopia Further Room Thursday December 16 Utopia Open Mic w Betz Kirby Friday December 17 New Brookland Tavern Wretched Your Chance To Die Diavolo Diary Of The Dead Patchwork Medic has been playing out consistently (at least once a month) for the past several months. SC Dyrty Byrds The Pour House Charleston. GA Abbey Road LIVE Melting Point Athens. SC Papadosio Gottrocks Greenville. SC Sarah Lee Guthrie & Johnny Irion Sylvia Theater York. NC Sanctum Sully The Emerald Lounge Asheville. 12/04/10 :: Saturday Dank Sinatra 40 Watt Club Athens. GA Samuel Paradise Club Eleven Asheville. The Shaniqua Brown New Brookland Tavern 5pm“Twas the Night Before Christmas Tour” Featuring Relient K ( Acoustic) Sherwood Deas Vail 9pm Non Stop Hip Hop Live Presents The SC Freestyle Battle Sunday December 5 New Brookland Tavern Windsor Drive Sing Sing 76 Valero Full Color Footage Monday December 6 New Brookland Tavern Acoustic Open Mic Tuesday December 7 New Brookland Tavern MyChildren MyBride Invoking The Abstract Ninjaloot Wednesday December 8 New Brookland Tavern Haley Dreis Pan Immundo Jeremy Plemmons Utopia Luci Levi & The Little Zippers Thursday December 9 New Brookland Tavern Sympl & Mr. GA Granny’s Gin The Playground Augusta. NC december 3. NC Paul Cataldo StraightAway Cafe Black Mountain.. SC Cartel Shontelle Spartanburg Memorial Auditorium Spartanburg.. SC Saliva Thee Southern Belle N. Go see the show. Charleston. GA Holman Autry Band The Country Club Dance Hall & Saloon Augusta. NC Relient K Sherwood Deas Vail Amos’ Southend Charlotte. I don’t know why I have English artists on the brain. Dash Trublklef & Miles Franco McClellan Douglas Utopia Open Mic w Marv Ward Friday December 10 New Brookland Tavern Hellblinki Sextet (Columbia CD Release Show) Cooter Scooters New York Disco Villians Utopia The Blue Iguanas Saturday December 11 Art Bar Patchwork Medic. 2010 Bess Rogers The Road TRip Evening Muse Charlotte. NC The Dirt Daubers Snug Harbor Charlotte. NC Cold War Kids The Cave Singers Orange Peel Asheville.. SC Wale Savoy The Music Farm Charleston. You have to like an act committed to getting out there and building a fanbase. NC Trapt Abused Romance Since October Amos’ Southend Charlotte. NC Carolina Chocolate Drops The Low Anthem Neighborhood Theatre Charlotte. SC 12/10/10 :: Friday Mark Chesnutt Classic Center Athens.. Capital City Playboys with the US Army Band Horns. no wait I got it. GA Jimmy Herring Jimmy Herring Band Live Wire Music Hall Savannah. GA Saint Francis Melting Point Athens. NC Spyro Gyra CPCC Halton Theater Charlotte. NC Drive-By Truckers Orange Peel Asheville. NC Allstar Weekend Action Item Stephen Jerzak The Scene Aesthetic Amos’ Southend Charlotte. NC Cope Mo Daddy’s Asheville. NC Robert Paige and the Holy City Sinners Home Team BBQ Charleston.. Paul’s Episcopal Church Savannah. NC Stillwater Taproom Augusta. It’s all coming together now. I am shutting up now. NC Incite Soulfly Straight Line Stitch The Matt MacKelcan Band Home Team BBQ Charleston. NC Kilowatts The Garage at Biltmore Asheville. They have plenty of original material and an EP floating around out there as well. SC Ben Bridwell (Band of Horses) Holopaw The Pour House Charleston. SC Karla Davis Freedom Center Rock Hill. GA Warren Haynes JoJo Hermann and the Missing Cats Steve Miller Band John ‘JoJo’ Hermann The Dirty Dozen Brass Band Gregg Allman Umphrey’s McGee Drive-By Truckers John Bell Asheville Civic Center Asheville. SC 12/11/10 :: Saturday The Rattlers Melting Point Athens. NC Flatfoot 56 Tremont Music Hall 12 . GA The Hot Seats WormsLoew Stewart and Winfield JUNKYARD ANGELS The Train Wrecks Domino Effect Sandfly Bar and Grill Savannah. GA Jo Henley Jack of the Wood Asheville. NC ZOOGMA MoDaddy’s Asheville. GA Eric Benet Fantasia Kandi Bell Auditorium Augusta. NC Kristin Luna Ray West Asheville Yoga Studio Asheville. Their sound is a mix of Foo Fighters guitars with Morrissey- esque vocals (and a bit of Thom Yorke warble at times).Friday December 3 New Brookland Tavern Valley Maker (Austin Crane) The Internet American Gun The Restoration Calculator Utopia Stillhouse Saturday December 4 Art Bar Hot Lava Monster. GA Moira Nelligan St. NC Crosstown Friends Bar and Grill Belmont.. NC Simplified Black Bear Saloon Charlotte. GA The Rock Shop Fayetteville. NC Kristin Luna Ray West Asheville Yoga Studio Asheville.ahhh. NC Richard Gilewitz Concerts at Betty’s Place Asheville. GA Savoy Ben Samples New Earth Music Hall Athens. SC Trans-Siberian Orchestra Bi-Lo Center Greenville. SC Jay Nash Tony Lucca Downstairs Live North Augusta.the lead singer looks like Jeremy Clarkson’s (of Top Gear) bastard child.

6:20 7:30 8:50 10:00 movie times For Colored Girls (R) 1:10 2:30 4:40 5:45 8:00 9:20 Paranormal Activity 2 (R) 1:50 4:25 7:10 9:40 Legend of the Guardians:The Owls of Ga’Hoole 3D (PG) Digital 3D 1:30 4:05 6:35 9:10 Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (PG-13) 2:00 5:10 8:45 You Again (PG) 1:40 4:20 6:50 9:25 Regal Sandhill Stadium 16 450 Town Center Place Jackass 3D new! (R) The Warrior’s Way new! (R) 11:50am 2:15 4:45 7:20 9:50 Burlesque new! (PG13) 1:00 4:10 7:10 10:05 Faster new! (R) 12:20 2:25 2:55 5:20 7:25 7:55 10:20 Love and Other Drugs new! (R) 11:45am 2:20 4:55 7:35 10:15 Tangled new! (PG) 11:40am 12:40 2:05 3:05 4:30 5:30 7:00 8:00 9:30 10:30 Tangled 3D new! (PG) 12:10 2:35 5:00 7:30 10:00 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (PG-13. It showcased their range and depth as fully matured actors. the trio’s friendship is put under the ultimate test. Part one follows Harry.3:00. This so to avoid nay-sayers from saying “part 1 can be more or less summarized by one word– camping”. 5:30 and 8:00 Sunday. Regal Columbia Columbia.com/ author/dumbapples Movie times listed are Columbia. SC 29210 for the weekend of November 19.5:30 and 8:00 Tuesday. 5:30 and 8:00 Monday. The problem arose when they realized that the trail of clues in finding the Horcrux leads to many dead ends and more trouble. 8 3:00 and 5:30 Thursday. Friday-Thursday Friday. Hermoine and Ron (Radcliffe. the audience might become dizzy and disoriented if it were shot in 3D. Andrews Cinema 5 527 St Andrews Road Columbia. where he trains for seven grueling years to become one of China’s greatest dancers. Dec. 9 5:30 and 8:00 BUY TICKETS NOW A delegation from Madame Mao’s Beijing Dance Academy selects 11-year-old peasant villager Li Cunxin to study ballet in faroff Beijing. 5:30 and 8:00 Saturday. Dec.org/ 937 Main Street MAO’S LAST DANCER DECEMBER 3-9. Dec. Deathly Hallows Part 1 succeeds in almost every aspect (except for the sound department. Even though I am very satisfied by the turnout of the plot. nickelodeon.moviefilmreview.. Dec. the lead actors’ performance also stepped it up a notch for this film finale. I still thought that it could have used a bit more buildup of fear (including the death of family members and friends. this film adaptation is dark and uncertain. Written by Jorella Cheska Estrada http://www. SC 29212 11:45am 12:45 1:15 3:00 4:00 4:30 6:10 Burlesque new! (PG7:20 8:00 9:15 13) Unstoppable (PG-13) 1:00 2:15 3:45 5:30 1:00 3:30 6:30 6:45 6:50 8:20 9:45 9:20 9:30 Faster new! (R) Megamind (PG) 1:00 2:00 3:30 4:30 1:15 3:45 6:15 7:00 8:40 9:30 Megamind 3D (PG) Love and Other Digital 3D Drugs new! (R) 12:45 3:30 6:45 9:10 1:20 2:20 4:15 5:20 7:15 8:30 9:55 AMC Dutch Square Due Date (R) 14 1:15 2:30 3:45 5:00 800 Bush River Rd. Columbia. SC 29210 (803) 7727469 Please call Regal Pastime Pavilion 8 929 North Lake Drive. No Passes) 1:15 3:30 4:30 7:45 9:55 DP (Digital Projection) 12:45 4:00 7:15 10:25 Open Captioned & Descriptive Audio 12:15 6:45 The Next Three Days (PG-13) 12:50 3:50 6:55 10:05 Unstoppable (PG-13) 12:05 2:30 5:05 7:40 10:10 Morning Glory (PG13) 11:55am 4:50 9:55 Due Date (R) 12:25 2:45 5:10 7:50 10:15 For Colored Girls (R) 12:30 3:40 6:50 9:45 Megamind 3D (PG) 12:00 2:20 4:40 7:05 9:40 Nickelodeon http://www. This movie is a perfect example on how a film can be victorious by providing only good materials and not rely much on 3D to cast the magic spell on the audience. Part 1 (PG-13) Columbia. 3 . True to the nature of the book. Avid fans of the book will certainly agree that the laggy and somewhat tiresome pacing of the film is necessary in giving justice to the last novel though others disagree. 4 3:00. I expect the next part should improve on that area). Whoever made the decision not to make this film 3D must be congratulated for his or her brilliance. Grande Stadium 14 1250 Bower Pkwy. The three were tasked by the late Dumbledore to find the missing Horcruxes in order to defeat the dark lord.Tangled new! (PG) 13) 12:30 1:30 2:50 4:10 DP (Digital 5:10 6:30 7:30 8:50 Projection) 9:50 2:00 4:40 7:20 10:00 Tangled 3D new! Faster new! (R) (PG) 1:40 4:30 7:30 9:50 Love and Other 12:00 2:15 4:40 7:00 Drugs new! (R) 9:20 1:20 4:20 7:40 10:15 Harry Potter and the The Next Three Days Deathly Hallows: (PG-13) Part 1 (PG-13. SC 29206 10:20 The Warrior’s Way Megamind (PG) new! (R) 12:40 3:00 5:20 7:45 12:15 2:40 5:05 7:30 Megamind 3D (PG) 9:55 12:10 2:25 4:50 7:15 Tangled new! (PG) 9:30 12:00 2:20 4:40 7:00 Red (PG-13) 9:30 12:05 2:45 5:15 7:50 Tangled 3D new! 10:25 (PG) Life As We Know It Digital 3D (PG-13) 12:30 1:00 3:30 4:00 9:55pm 6:30 7:00 9:00 9:30 Harry Potter and the Carmike 14 Deathly Hallows: 122 Afton Court. SC 29212 Cinema 7 The Warrior’s Way 3400 Forest Drive new! (R) Suite 3000. Director David Yates once again delivered a solid installment after the success of the Half-Blood Prince. Grint and Radcliffe both managed to deliver a convincing performance throughout the movie. opening his eyes to a new love and the possibility of a dramatic defection from China in this remarkable true story based on Cunxin’s autobiography. 12:15 2:40 5:00 7:20 SC 29204 9:40 Burlesque new! (PG. St. With the Death Eaters hot on their trail and with an impossible task on their shoulders. His efforts win him the opportunity to dance in America. 5 .3:00.Deathly hallows is far from the fireworks display of the first Harry Potter Movie. please Regal Columbiana confirm with theater. Dec. 7 . SC 29072 13 december 3 2010 . Watson and Grint) as they become the primary target of a powerful organization lead by Lord Voldemort (Fiennes). Aside from the effects and cinematography. Surprisingly. Considering the fact that some fight scenes in this flick were so confusing. This improvement is significantly evident during both the dramatic and the comic parts of the film. Lexington. Also. similar to how the last book was fashioned) so that it may add more drama to whatever little action part 1 may possess. Anything less would have been an insult to Rowling’s genius. 6 . I completely respect the producer’s decision in making Deathly Hallows a 2 part series because almost everything written in the thick seventh book is needed for the whole story to come to a full circle.5:30 and 8:00 Wednesday. 12:00 2:30 4:55 7:35 Columbia. No DP (Digital Passes) Projection) 12:20 12:50 2:20 1:15 4:15 7:15 10:10 3:30 4:00 5:30 6:40 Morning Glory (PG. Dec. Watson made an improvement in toning down her acting to make it just right for the character this time around. Dec.7:10 8:40 9:45 10:15 13) DP (Digital 1:10 4:10 7:10 9:40 Projection) Due Date (R) 1:20 4:30 7:40 1:30 4:50 7:50 10:05 The Next Three Days For Colored Girls (R) (PG-13) DP (Digital 1:10 4:05 7:05 10:10 Projection) Unstoppable (PG-13) 1:00 4:00 7:00 9:55 12:25 2:35 5:05 7:25 10:05 Carmike Wynnsong Morning Glory (PG10 13) 5320 Forest Drive.

I love it—it’s completely changed masturbation and I reached orgasm for the first time. and he’s never created any macho drama about that. However. Treasury agents 56 End zone scores. help me out here!” 38 Shoulder decoration 39 Word repeated in T. I’ve slowly come to the realization that I’m no longer sexually attracted to my boyfriend. In fact. in Yokohama 7 Ovens. then you haven’t been “condemned” to “just” vaginal intercourse. Thing is. but she doesn’t really have anything to tell me. in the future keep those roles separate. briefly 59 Inseparable 60 Poker stakes You can have your current boyfriend. We have fun together and we have great sex. For the past year and a half. just get him as close as you can and let him finish himself off with his hand. so to speak 12 “Burn Notice” channel 13 “Rolling Stone” co-founder Wenner 14 Newswoman Mitchell 16 Guy who knows his cake pans? 18 Seesaws. inanimate sex toys. that provides road maps 49 Religious offshoots 52 “___ Small Candle” (Roger Waters song) 53 Richard Pryor title character with a big German dot on him? 57 Nissan model 58 One-legged maneuver for those “Flat Tops”--making a certain letter less. while you hold her. I also frequently imagine what it might be like to sleep with another girl. BLOWJOB. then don’t be an 14 december 3. Let her get herself off while you watch. just vaginal intercourse? Barely Licking Over Wide Junk Of Boyfriend What’s the opposite of macho drama? Vulvo drama? Look.. and giving and receiving handjobs. I’m her first boyfriend.. if you’re both giving and receiving oral. Any insights? Breasts On Other Babes Stop faking. However.g.. perhaps. a new “source of emotional support”—but that’s a price that you should be willing to pay. particularly at your age. If there are times when you want to mess around without being fucked. I’ve asked her multiple times what I can do to try to get her off. in Roman numerals 10 Get past the lock 11 Sunday deliveries 13 Page 6. And when you start having sexual experiences with nonvibrating. I’ve never hidden the fact that I’ve never reached orgasm. while you suck on her tits. Have My Cake SavageLove Sex advice by Dan Savage Jonesin’ crosswords by Matt Jones Across 1 Nine-to-five 4 Yes. and start incorporating your vibrator and your fantasies into the sex you’re having with the boyfriend. God forbid. HMC. He just plateaus. I’ve never experienced an orgasm. at the price of a lousy and uninspired sex life with a guy who doesn’t give a shit about your pleasure— excuse me. really 19 “Cheers” actor George attending a Massachusetts college? 21 “Stop. see how worked up you can get through fantasy alone. I enjoy sex immensely but have begun to fake orgasms because it hurts him that he is not making me come. Giving up the current boyfriend means you’ll have to find a new emotional tampon—excuse me.pointy. how much they turn him on—and you need to use your vibrator on yourself and fantasize aloud about the assets you’ve got and the assets you lust after while you two are fucking. while she sits on your face.I’m a 21-year-old woman with bi-curious tendencies who’s been in a committed relationship for four years. And if you don’t want to find yourself boyfriendless and bestfriendless ever again. I don’t mind going straight to vaginal intercourse after blowing him for a bit. He’s sweet and kind. He says he’s never been able to come from blowjobs or handjobs. You know what works for you. After my 18th birthday. although I sometimes encourage him to finish himself off and ejaculate in my mouth.” 6 Split ___ 7 Market sign? 8 Scott Turow bestseller 9 1506.S. there goes that option. don’t be shy about introducing them—or their genitals—to your vibrator. TQA. you just have to risk sharing it with the love of your life. and vibrators can work wonders on dicks. There’s a lot of trial and error going on. or times when you’re not up for vaginal intercourse. I get more excited by lesbian scenarios than straight scenarios—although I’ve never been able to come. enjoy.S. I just go through the motions. as he is my most important source of emotional support. e. experiment with nonvibrating. I’m open to the possibility of a threesome. I am selfconscious about my body and can only come using a vibrator while looking at pictures of women with nice boobs.net Wasteland” 41 Wraparound greeting 42 Free throw path 43 Volcano spew 45 Obviously-named American financial giant 47 Super-cool computer geek language 50 “People” newsmaker 51 Spin around 54 2000 Radiohead album 55 U. TWAT. help me out here!” 38 Shoulder decoration 39 Word repeated in T. but my boyfriend isn’t. TWAT. I fantasize that I am both the woman in possession of these assets and the person lusting after her. Masturbate with your vibrator and without. I am certain of my sexual orientation: I did quite a bit of experimenting with beautiful women. HMC. DAN? Is our sex life condemned to.com) heerios mascot 36 “Well. I am an 18-year-old straight girl. and (2) gives a shit about your pleasure. Gradually work your way up to her getting herself off while you’re inside her.. I’m a 26-year-old heterosexual male in a relationship with a 25-year-old female. and I’m not willing to give up my best friend over sex. If you want that someone else/someone else’s dick to be you/yours. macho drama queen about the way she’s capable of having orgasms now. I bought a small vibrator. From the start. Treasury agents 56 End zone scores. whenever I’m masturbating. and enjoy those orgasms—but mix it up. He’s completely against the idea. Should I hold off on using it until I get some real experience? Teen With A Tech Enjoy your vibrator. insecure. TQA. But that’s another can of worms.. I am a woman who is with the love of her life. I’d just like to get him there. chocolate balls? 61 Rembrandt’s city of birth 62 Cupid’s Greek counterpart 63 Skipbo relative 64 Give props to 65 Simple sandwich 66 Understand a joke Down 1 Protrude 2 Suffix for sugars 3 It gets bleeped 4 Wrench or screwdriver 5 “___ the republic for which it stands. animate sex toys (boys). Help please? This Question Again If she can get herself off. too. HOW DO I SOLVE THIS PROBLEM. on some calendars: abbr. I feel like I’m kind of flying blind. but they did nothing for me. HMC. Don’t make the “macho drama” mistake of viewing the orgasms she self-induces while you’re there as somehow deficient or dysfunctional. mail@savagelove... my boyfriend remains my best friend.” 37 “C’mon. transition to orgasms induced by someone else/someone else’s dick. 15 Court stat 17 Gentleman friend 20 Leaning type type 21 Lavs 22 Bale stuff 26 Tiny openings 28 Little giggle 29 Degas display. I want to keep him in my life. BLOWJOB— THERE’S NO PROBLEM HERE TO SOLVE.S. I don’t know if I’m meant to be in a committed relationship. then she should be able to get herself off while you assist. I am in college and in a super-fantastic relationship..” 37 “C’mon. Your boyfriend is orgasmic. I have a tiny mouth and tiny hands—could that be the problem? He says it doesn’t have anything to do with me. a partner who hasn’t created a lot of “macho drama” about the fact that you’ve never had an orgasm and isn’t interested in helping you realize your fantasies—or you can find a new boyfriend and/or girlfriend and perhaps discover that orgasms are easier to come by when you’re with someone who (1) turns you on.S. Your boyfriend needs to talk a boob-esteem-building blue streak while you fuck—he needs to tell you how hot your breasts are. I believe the obstruction is psychological. I don’t have the motivation to improve our sex life anymore. BOOB. Eliot’s “The impatient. Eliot’s “The Wasteland” 41 Wraparound greeting 42 Free throw path 43 Volcano spew 45 Obviously-named American financial giant 47 Super-cool computer geek language 50 “People” newsmaker 51 Spin around 54 2000 Radiohead album 55 U. there goes that option. he doesn’t orgasm when I blow him or give him a handjob. At the same time. Dicks are just big clits. I’m worried about developing a dependence on it. briefly 59 Inseparable 60 Poker stakes ©2010 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@ jonesincrosswords. 2010 . and (3) hasn’t come to symbolize the death of sexual possibility. The more you can relax and enjoy the orgasms she’s self-inducing now—the more you can both relax and enjoy them—the sooner she’ll be able to relax. BOOB. and. 32 Nine Inch Nails hit with the freaky video 33 Gothic novelist Radcliffe 35 Honey Nut Cheerios mascot 36 “Well. She’s never had an orgasm that wasn’t self-induced. You’re having all kinds of sex—it’s just that he requires something very specific in order to get off. horse!” 23 Hits a bicycle horn 24 Pond fish 25 Opera singer Enrico 27 Accomplishes 30 Barrett once of Pink Floyd 31 Native 34 Physicist Mach who coined the term “Mach number” 35 End-of-the-day payment-fest? 37 Surround 40 With perfect timing 41 Ram noise 44 Turkish city that housed the Temple of Artemis 46 Some fish catchers 48 Gp. I’ve been thinking about what things would be like with another man. I am also a virgin. It’s not like I’m offended. get yourself close to the edge and finish yourself off with your hand. We share a lot of interests and get along very well.

december 3. 2010 15 .

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