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and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ If less than your age, explain ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less. what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less. what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less. what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. A: If I were shot. Please answer freely. all answers are confidential. the last place I would want to be shot would be: ______________________________________________________________ B: If I were beaten. the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________ .
ELECTROCUTION. and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. _________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name. NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't.C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________ E. CRUCIFIXION. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. moron!) ________ _______________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest. the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________ G. When I meet a girl. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ F. (you might watch your back) . RED HOT POKERS AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. CHINESE WATER TORTURE. If your application is rejected. DISMEMBERMENT. Please allow four to six years for processing . and it would cause you injury).
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world. politics. I am the barrier. with many opportunities to date other girls. when it comes to sex. and I will kill you. My daughter is putting on her makeup. waiting for my daughter to appear. you should not be dating. we should talk about sports. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other. and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early. I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Please don't take this as an insult. You may glance at her. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body. and I will not object. so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.. in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter. I will remove them. and more than an hour goes by. If you want to be on time for the movie. a process than can take longer than . Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) : Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package. Please do not do this. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. once you have gone out with my little girl. However. because you're sure not picking anything up. I will make you cry.To prepare yourself. Let me elaborate. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating. I want to be fair and open minded about this issue. but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Otherwise. If you make her cry. Still. do not sigh and fidget. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house. and other issues of the day. in order to ensure that your clothes do not.' Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow. so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big. sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you.
Places where there is dancing. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Places where there is darkness. the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my home. merciless god of your universe. sofas. announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early. the whole truth and nothing but the truth.painting the Golden Gate Bridge. then return to your car there is no need for you to come inside. a sweater. midriff Tshirts. holding hands. or anything softer than a wooden stool. dimwitted hasbeen. or anything other than overalls. like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . But on issues relating to my daughter. I am the all-knowing. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. a shovel. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Do not trifle with me. When my Agent Orange starts acting up. and five acres behind the house. I may appear to be a potbellied. you have one chance to tell me the truth. and a goose down parka . movies which feature chain saws are okay. tank tops. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts. I have a shotgun. Instead of just standing there. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. middle-aged. Old folks homes are better. Speak the perimeter password. why don't you do something useful. Be very afraid. If I ask you where you are going and with whom. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. . Hockey games are okay. balding.zipped up to her throat. or happiness.
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