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Self Concept - By Braddock (Dating Coach)

Self Concept - By Braddock (Dating Coach)


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Love Systems dating coach Braddock writes about Inner Game.
Love Systems dating coach Braddock writes about Inner Game.

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Published by: Braddock www.braddocksblog.com on Aug 07, 2008
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Inner Game The Self Concept and Being in the moment

I've been reading quite a few books lately on the Self Concept, being in the moment, and self deception. They have had a big impact on my life and game. Here are a few of the books I have read several times trying to really understand this and internalize it. I'm going to try and make this post as short as I can and keep it geared toward pickup. I will try to offer some of the key concepts that have resonated with me. However, I highly suggest you do not use this post as a substitute for reading these books cover to cover. My notes below are merely the tip of the iceberg. I have literally stacks of notebooks full of notes I have taken on each book. Inner game has many components, but I picked these two because I think they are most important, with self deception being third.

Some helpful books on these topics...

Psycho Cybernetics, by Maltz The Psychology of Achievement, by Brian Tracy

The Power of Now, by Eckart Tolle Realization of Being, by Eckart Tolle Living the Liberated life, by Eckart Tolle

Inner Game If you develop your inner game then you can’t be stopped! Develop good inner game and the outer game will come at double the rate.

Winners Edge What is this? People who dominate any field are only a "hair" better than everyone else. but the difference in the success they enjoy is enormous. You don’t have to become Mystery or Style to enjoy great success. Making small changes here and there can change your game DRASTICALLY!

Self Concept Simple definition, "How much you truly believe that you are capable of doing something." Not wish you could, or hope to believe or pretend to believe. How much confidence you truly feel for a given skill set.

Example: Bushing my teeth, "Self Concept is high" Playing Soccer, "My Self Concept is low." Your overall Self Concept will determine your success in life. It is impossible to act in a manner inconsistent with one of your Self concepts. You have an overall Self Concept and it is made up of all your individual self concepts. You have a Self Concept for everything in your life (Dress, Income, how you drive, brushing your teeth, what kind of woman you deserve, hanging a picture on the wall..Etc) Examples: Michael Jordan's self concept in basketball was extremely high. He literally believed he was going to make every shot. a carpenter's is just as high with carpentry. He believes on a deep level he can build a house. If we switched

these two and asked MJ to build a house he would most likely have a low self concept in the area of carpentry, because he has never done it before.

Want to get better at anything? Then you Must Change your Self Concept in that area If it is impossible to act inconsistent with our self image, but if we want to get better at something…… Then it is crucial that we change our self concept in that area. If we move our concept up or down we will act consistent with this new self concept. That is a crucial sentence. So, if we have a weak self concept about the women we deserve or about how good we are at pickup…..Guess what….We will be consistent with that weak self image. The converse is also true. If we develop a strong self concept about our ability to attract women and the women we deserve…we will start to be more consistent

with that. So how do we create a better Self Concept?? First, we must stop letting any one of our self concepts control how we feel about our overall self concept. (Specifically our self concept in relation to women) What does this mean? Remember I said you have a self concept for EVERYTHING you do!!!!!!! Do you look in the mirror and feel like shit about "who you are" when you first buy a video game and you keep dying at level one? No. Your Self Concept is low in relation to that game, but you know if you play that game and that level enough times you will eventually get the hang of it. You won’t get depressed and want to crawl into bed or go read every book on that game. You will just keep playing it until you understand what every button on the controller does without you even having to think about it.

Once you play it enough times you could beat that level with your eyes closed. However, during the process of growing your self concept in regards to that game, you never let your low self concept affect your overall self concept. You didn't attach to much meaning to that game. Therefore you are able to grow rapidly. If you cried every time you lost and turned the game off and didn't play it for two weeks, then your self concept would grow at a very slow rate.

If you look at this on a time line from when you got the video game until you could play it with your eyes closed, can you see that you just dial up that one Self Concept in that area of your life?

Now… your self concept is higher now than when you first purchased that game. How can you measure it? When you first played that game….if I had said I will give you million dollars if you beat level one, but if you don’t…..I’m going to blow your head off, would you have taken the bet??? NOOOO….

After you have played that game for 3 months and you can beat level one with your eyes closed……Would you take that bet???? Of course. Your self concept tells you this is a sound bet.

This knowledge should empower you with women and dating..

We have a scientific formula to change our self concept! Not just some abstract "you can do it affirmation." Based on the above we know FOR A FACT that we can change our Self Concept simply by becoming more competent and skilled in the area we are deficient in and the fastest way is by treating the skill set we want as a process and not attaching identity meaning to it. This one skill set DOES NOT define your overall self concept and it does not affect your other self concepts.

We never feel uneasy doing something that we are good at, right? Do you ever feel uneasy brushing your teeth? What about driving your car? Were you always good at these tasks? Did you ever feel uneasy about driving your car? I did. I remember when I first started driving I had a jeep with a stick shift. For about 3 months I felt anxiety every time I got behind the wheel. However as my self concept grew, the uneasiness went away.

There are 3 Times we are uneasy

1. When we are doing something that we think we are not good at.

Example: (Public Speaking). All the positive affirmations in the world will not trick our subconscious mind into believing that we can truly complete the task at a high level, when we know we don't have not put in the work to obtain the skill. We

might talk it into believing we can get by, but saying... "I can do this," when you truly know you can't, will only further trigger your mind to remind you where your true self concept is.

2. When we are doing things that we have had a failure experience with. Example: (Girl told you to fuck off on an approach). You develop a self concept based on one or more bad experience without allowing enough time for the self concept to align with the idea that you can eventually master the task or skill set.

3. When we are doing something we know we can do, but we are putting unnecessary importance on the outcome. I personally think this is the most important one. Especially in relation to pickup. Example: You hit every shot in basketball practice when nobody is there to watch, but you can’t even hit the rim when the stadium is full and it’s the championship game). It's the same shot you couldn't miss during practice. The goal is the same height and the ball has the same amount of air in it, but you are attributing meaning to the people in the stands and the metal trophy you may win. We build up how important the game is for our future that we make it impossible to just be in that moment like we are in practice. Example 2: When I'm not thinking about the past or the future and I'm really in the moment, I will do amazing demos for the students on bootcamp. But if a student says, "You're Braddock, I read your blog. I can't wait to watch you in field tonight!" If I attribute a new found importance on a future outcome I cannot control or predict, I.E. doing an amazing demo on command for this guy, then I will likely lock up and perform poorly. I could give millions of examples for this in any genre of life from work to pickup.

How do we combat the 3 above in relation to pickup? 1. First we must quiet our mind and put things where they really belong. Train your mind to control your body’s emotional responses to outside stimulus. This doesn't mean you try to not feel emotions at all. You just learn to use your mind to quiet them to a level where your logical brain is running the show and not your emotional brain. These emotional responses, if not quieted, lead our logical brain to accept the idea that things are bigger than they are. Why? In basketball practice you don't get butter flies in your stomach and your throat doesn't clench up, because you are not attributing any long term meaning to that event. You are aware that if you have a bad practice it doesn't really matter and that nobody was in the stands to see you perform bad. Because there is no emotional response, I.E. butterflies, your logical mind stays in control. You stay calm, controlled, you use your logic, and most importantly you stay in the moment. You are not thinking about what will happen good or bad if you make or miss "this one shot." You just shoot. On the contrary, in the championship game, the energy of the crowd, the noise,

and the perceived importance placed on a desired outcome act to stimulate an emotional response and we get butterflies. Our logical brain says, "Why are we having these feelings? Why are we feeling so nervous? This must be important. Let's think this out. What if we have a bad game? What will this mean in the future? What will all these people think about me?" You then get an even deeper emotional reaction from your body. Each time your emotions are taking your mind a little further away from the cool, calm, collected, in the moment state you enjoyed in practice. You are now not playing basketball with the same self concept that you enjoy in practice because that self concept was based on shooting basketballs in a calm, cool, collected, in the moment state of being. This jittery nervous state is creating a new negative self concept.

Now, take Michael Jordan in a championship game. I'm willing to bet that he feels those jittery nervous feelings just like the rest of us, but the difference is his ability to use his logical mind to calm the inner emotional storm and quickly get back to the self concept that he enjoys in practice. People say he gets up for big games better than anyone who has ever played the game. I agree. But in nerd speak, I would say that he has the ability to control his mind and emotions allowing him to access his highest basketball self concept more readily than any other who has ever played the game.

Yes MJ was physically talented. No doubt. However, I would argue this was necessary but not sufficient to play at the level he played so consistently. The pressure of a big game, dealing with what the media will write and say, dealing with the excitement of being on TV, dealing with the awareness that a win could mean millions of dollars in endorsements, and a loss could send those commercials to another, would do a number on most people’s emotions and nervous system. Michael Jordan was capable of quieting all of that and even using that as a reason to get real calm inside while everyone around him was being deeply affected by these factors. He was getting really quiet inside so he could get to that place where all that was forgotten and nothing mattered but the moment. Just like in practice. His ability to get there from the tip off while others most likely didn't get back to there until the second half, made him seem like a God amongst mere mortals.

How does this apply to pickup? I think by now it's probably obvious, but I'll tie it in to my example from above. My self image in regards to game is relatively high. I have learned to control my mind instead of my mind controlling me and I have developed competence with my skill set through thousands of approaches, I have acquired a vast knowledge base, and I have mastered being in the moment. So, without any extraneous factors my self concept is high when I walk into a venue to pickup girls.

However, if a student says, "Braddock I love your blog, I can't wait to see you in field tonight; my body is going to have an immediate emotional response to that. If I am incapable, choose not to control the emotion, or decide to attribute a bunch of meaning to his statement, then the emotion will manifest in a way that will alter my self concept for that night, maybe the weekend, and possibly every time I'm on bootcamp. As soon as he says it I think about it from then until that night and my logical mind races to find answers for that strange emotion I'm feeling. It often answers this questions with bad answers. I.E. "What if we do bad demos in front of him, will he be disappointed? If he's disappointed does that mean that I'm really not as good at this as I say and believe I am? Wow, we better do good tonight. I hope I don't get blown out in front of him. As you can see this is a slippery slope to killing the current moment, a whole bunch of future moments, and I'm attracting the failure that I predicted because that is all I will focus on from the time he makes his statement until I fail miserably allll night long during the demos. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

However, if I choose to control that emotion, quiet it down to a dull roar, and emotion, compartmentalize the students statement as just that, "a statement." Then my logical mind will quickly get back to it's natural state. By realizing that I can't predict how the demos are going to turn out tonight or any night and that him wanting to see them or not doesn't change the level of importance I need to attach to them. All I can do is control the moment I'm in right now and I can't control that moment until I'm in it. It doesn't exist yet. I will quickly be back on track to enjoying my original self concept before his statement and our super hero Braddock is back to kicking the world in half.

Can you see how this applies to all levels of pickup? If I said I wanted you to take a levels Publishers Clearing House check to a hot girl you wouldn't have much of an

emotional response to that. Your self image tells you that you can complete that task with ease. You don't have an emotional response to the idea of completing this task, so your logical mind stays in control and you don't run 30 "what if" scenarios through your head stirring more emotions changing your self concept. You could walk up hand her the check smile and walk back to your car, no problem. Why? You have the skill set required to handle that situation and you don't attribute more meaning to it than necessary.

Now when we take the scenario of going to a venue with the goal of talking to women a whole host of external factors are introduced that can either increase your self concept or drastically diminish it based on what level of meaning and importance you attach to them. These factors have no real meaning or value and can only affect your self concept IF YOU LET THEM!!!

Let's look at 2 very different outcomes to 2 situations that are in all actuallyity the same.

Friday night you leave the house with your "pickup self concept." (Whether you are leaving the house with a low or super high self concept is unimportant in regards to the point I'm trying to make here, so as you read this input your self concept here.) Ok, so you leave the house with your self concept and then what happens. All kinds of factors come flying at you from night to night to help increase or decrease your self concept. The first set you open goes ridiculously well. The girls won't leave you alone. All 3 of the girls in the 3 set want you bad. You know you can have your pick. Your self concept moves up and you are feeling a new high. you are in the moment and you feel like you can't be stopped! You feel like you could open a set with Brad Pitt in it and walk away with the girl. One of your hot friends happens to be a the same bar and sees that these girls are all over you. She runs over and hugs you. The three girls get even more interested. Over the course of the night each of the three girls re opens you and tries to get your attention.

You open every good set in the venue for no strategic reason other than that you feel good inside and it just feels right. You can't even remember what you opened them with and they all responded well to you. You get several numbers, make out with the best of the 3 set, and take home your old friend from college. After banging her like a screen door on a battleship, she falls asleep. You lay awake still riding a high.

You feel like all your study of pickup ebooks and DVD's on game are finally paying off. You can't wait to go out tomorrow for an even more plentiful bounty. You stare at the ceiling thinking, "Wow, I'm actually glad that my ex girlfriend dumped me. That's been bothering me forever, but now that this is all coming together I'm

glad she dumped me because look how good I am getting at this. I haven't felt this good in forever."

Saturday night you are going to go to the exact same venue as the night before. You are still excited about last night and you can't wait to get the the venue so you can build on the night before. Your friend calls and says he is at your house to pick you up. You can't hit the door fast enough. However, when you got in your friends car you see that he has brought his loud asshole, judgmental friend from work to go out with you guys. Damn it! You instantly feel your confidence sag a little. You left the house and you were really feeling it. Your self concept was so high last night, as soon as you see this guy, you have an emotional response and you get out of the moment. You already started attaching meaning to his judgments and thoughts.

Sure enough he's a loud judgmental asshole in the car and you worry what he'll say if you get blown out in front of him tonight. You don't want to open poor in front of him, because you know how judgmental he is and you can already feel him judging you if you get blown out of a set. You hit the venue and you do 4 laps around the place and hit the bathroom twice instead of just being in the moment and opening because you aren't feeling it like you were last night. You finally decide to do a set even though you aren't feeling it. You have been so focused on what that guy will think, that you have just been running a movie screen in your head the last 2 hours of you getting blown out and this random asshole friend judging you, over and over and over.

You open and sure enough you get blown out!!! Now your self concept takes a slight dip. You immediately spin around hoping he didn't see. (Truth is you shouldn't give a shit. Last night you wouldn't have cared what this asshole thought. you wouldn't have even noticed him because you were in the moment). In your

mind you half blame him for putting you in a bad state, but part of you questions your self and says, "Maybe it's not that I'm letting this guy stir my emotions, resulting in me questioning my self concept, maybe last night was a fluke and "most" girls really don't respond to me like that. I mean it was the first set of the night." You spin around to find your friend and, "Damn, that guy saw me get blown out and he is giving me that judgmental smirk like he thinks he's better than me.

I hate him." You give him no satisfaction with your facial expressions or body language, but as you walk around you feel it inside your stomach and your mind won't stop thinking about it. And you can't help but wonder, "Maybe he's right. Is he a judgmental asshole or does he see something in me that I've never noticed and he's right to judge me." Self concept takes another dip.

You half ass open 3 more sets, but you walk up NOWHERE NEAR in the moment. While you open these 3 sets, your mind is back in the past rehashing your first blow out wondering what you did wrong with those girls and you are still pondering if the asshole friend knows something about you that you should feel insecure about. Sooo, the girls in these next 3 sets feel a strange incongruence when you walk up. You are trying to be funny and interesting, you are using the same openers and material that you used last night, but they aren't having it. They can feel it. They know you have an agenda and they can feel that you subtly are hoping they give you their approval. Your voice, or your face, or something about you betrays your funny jokes and interesting stories and sheds light on a guy who is strangely not in the moment. All 3 sets blow you out worse than the Patriot's did the Chargers in week 3.

Now you have decided that this is SOLID PROOF that you are bad with women and that last night was undoubtedly a fluke. You see a girl you use to date at the same venue and she is flirting with a guy you assume is no doubt better than you in every way possible. You stare longingly and just a split second longer tonight than you would had, if you bumped into her last night when you owned the venue! She sees and feels your needy stare. Her self concept takes a spike up and she gives

you some weak ass wave and a half smile and then give some asshole a big hug and a deep kiss.

Your self concept takes another dip. You grab your friend and his dick friend and head home. In the car ride home asshole friend asks you several condescending questions about why those girls were so rude to you. You hate him more, but you internalize some of the horse shit coming out of his mouth as truth. You finally get home lay in bed and wonder if you should have married your ex girlfriend. Last night you thought you were completely over her and now your chest hurts worse than ever before. You question if all this game shit you've read is even real, and you spend an hour pondering how you could have such an amazing night last night and such a horrible night tonight.

"I've had both of those nights Braddock..... So, what the hell???? Your self concept is high on Friday! Is it real? Yes. Were you right to feel all of those feelings or is that just being delusional from a bunch of random luck? No, it

wasn't luck. You were allowing your true self concept to drive the bus because no external factors got in its way or pushed it down. Now had that first set gone poorly would your night have been completely different? Would I have had a shit night instead? Awww....This is where the men are separated from the boys. Those who have great inner game can feel this high regardless of the momentum or lack thereof created by the first set, the asshole friend, his negative judgmental mindsets, or the last 3 blowouts. The external meaning you are attributing to how your first set goes is determining your entire night good or bad. This is a scary place to be. Because you need the moon, the sun, and the stars to line up just perfectly every night or you are not going to have a good night. You know your inner game has reached a high level when you could go 0 for 10 or 10 for 10 in any given night and your self concept is unchanged. When the asshole friend in the car annoys you, but ONLY in the car, when you open your first set and his judgments mean nothing to you, when you leave that set and he gives you a dick head look, and it annoys you ONLY while your eyes are on his face, but it carries ZERO negative momentum into the next set, then you will stay in the moment and your self concept will maintain a constant level all night.

Now, once you learn to be in the moment does this mean you will never get blown out? Does it mean that you will get every girl? NOOOO!! Don't confuse self concept and being in the moment as the same thing. They do feed each other, but they are two very different things. Gandhi is most likely in the moment at all times, but that does not mean he can pickup girls in a bar. He only has half of the puzzle. His self concept in regards to pickup is still low. He has never done the reading, never opened countless sets, and never developed a skill set.

(I stand corrected.... Gandhi stone cold pimpin! LoL)

Being in the moment allows you to truly increase your self concept in an area. Remember that your self concept is defined as what you truly believe your skill set is in any given area. Not what you wish it was, not some bullshit affirmation of "I think I can." It's what you truly believe it to be at any given moment. Being in the moment, COMPLETELY in that moment, allows you to see where you’re actual self concept is. When you are playing video games you are completely in the moment. Horrible or great at that video game, you have an honest measuring stick of your self concept in regards to that video game.

Sometimes it's hard for us to measure our true self concept in regards to pickup, because we allow our self concept to go up and down sooo much from day to day based on a bunch of meaning we attach to external factors and our complete lack of being in the moment. It can make our game look way worse than it really is. Then we get in a good state, aka (being in the moment), randomly because a bunch of factors went right or we randomly didn't attach a bunch of meaning to these outside factors and BAM our true self concept shines through and we have a great night. However this up and down creates confusion over time ESPECIALLY when we have more bad nights than good nights. Once we learn to correlate that usually "a bad night" was more about us not being in the moment, and stop attributing it to a lack of knowledge, then our game reaches new heights. When

you hear that someone has "good game" this means that he spends more time operating in the moment and that he has a high self concept in pickup. NOT necessarily that he has read more pickup books than you. I.E. naturals. They are in the moment and have cultivated a skill set. There is soooo many other facets that can help your inner game, but if you can ever master these two than you will see a drastic change in your life. Ok, that's all the time we have for today. I would like to think all my guests. Until next time remember, if you have children who act up, continue to beat them until moral improves. This message has been brought to you by the number 4 and the letter L. Your fearless Leader,


Bio… I am a dating coach for Love Systems. To take a bootcamp with Braddock visit: http://www.lovesystems.com You can also read Braddock’s entertaining blog Visit: www.Braddocksblog.com

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