THE PACIFIER Written by Thomas Lennon & Robert Ben Garant Previous Revisions by Jason Fulardi, Scott Alexander & Larry
March 3rd, 2004
FADE IN: EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - DAY A fishing boat pushes over choppy water. FOUR GUN TOTING MEN on Jet Skis wearing black wet suits and goggles escort the boat. Flying above it is a HELICOPTER. INT. FISHING BOAT/CONTROL DECK - CONTINUOUS A SERBIAN MAN captains the wheel. SERB 2 scans the horizon with binoculars. He checks the GPS system, then his watch, then speaks into his throat mic. All italics are Serbian w/ subtitles: SERB 2 Fifteen minutes to delivery. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - CONTINUOUS The JET SKIER in the lead weighs in on a radio. INT. SEA HAWK 1 - CONTINUOUS The HELICOPTER PILOT weighs in. PILOT All clear from above. EXT. SKY - CONTINUOUS The camera descends as the boat passes, and dives beneath the surface. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - CONTINUOUS
The droning of engines becomes less pronounced. Foam from the boat and skis bubbles. REAngels. water. Calm. Then from out of nowhere five NAVY SEALs wearing BREATHERS appear, in neat formation like the Blue JET PROPELLED BACKPACKS push the SEALs through the The LEAD SEAL: SHANE WOLFE, points upwards. All eyes follow his finger to the underbelly of the boat above. From his belt, Shane takes a steel wand with an adhesive disc attached, aims it at the fleeing boat and FIRES. A cable shoots up -- THUD... The disc sticks to the boat's hull. Shane pushes a button on the wand the cable and drawing himself closer. Dangling from the cruiser, Shane fixes a BOMB to the hull. He releases himself from the boat and speeds away --
BOOM. A dense explosion sends ripples through the water and ELECTRICITY crackling around the boat. INT. FISHING BOAT/CONTROL DECK - CONTINUOUS A SURGE of ELECTRICAL FORCE blasts from the control panel. SPARKS fly. the The two Serbian Men jolt backwards -- WHAM -- and hit wall. All the needles inside all the dials go LIMP. The roar of the engines DIES and the boat STOPS. EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN, UNDER THE BOAT - CONTINUOUS Shane slips inside the hull, through the new hole. INT. SEA HAWK 1 - CONTINUOUS The chopper slows to a hover. PILOT What's happening? The Pilot looks below.
EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - CONTINUOUS The jet skiers protectively circle the injured boat in a SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING move, and the Jet Ski drivers are simultaneously YANKED below the surface: a split second later they're replaced by our SEALS (ALSO IN BLACK WET SUITS AND GOGGLES) -- the switch happens in less than a second, way too fast for anyone to notice. INT. FISHING BOAT/CONTROL DECK - CONTINUOUS The shaken Serbs climb to their feet. SERBIAN 2 What happened? They look around, and see the SEALS, on the jet skis: In the masks they are indistinguishable from the GUNTOTTING MEN they switched paces with. All seems clear. Serb 1 pushes on the throttle... nothing. SERBIAN 1 We've been hit. We're taking on water. Suddenly the boat lists -- and water pours in, under the cabin door. They spring into action! SERBIAN 1 (CONT'D) Grab the professor, quick! 3.
EXT. DECK - CONTINUOUS Serb 1 rushes out, shouting orders: He alerts four ARMED GUARDS and the Jet Ski drivers (now our Seals). SERBIAN 1 Something must be below us! Shoot! Shoot! 2 The Armed Guards fire relentlessly into the water. Serb rushes below deck. INT. SHIP'S HOLD - CONTINUOUS PROFESSOR CHARLES PLUMMER, bound to a chair and gagged, tries to YELP as the room begins to flood with water. INT. SHIP'S CORRIDOR - SIMULTANEOUS
SEAL (CONT'D) Give it a second. where a metal BRIEFCASE is floating. hauling the Professor up.CONTINUOUS Professor Plummer panics. INT. he is forced back by a three foot wall of water. Plummer screams. him his oxygen. but can't get free.to
Serb 2 runs down steps to the lowermost hold. But you have to do exactly what I say. as the water rises up to his mouth He struggles. to the roof. Up to his nose.
The Armed Guards stop shooting into the water. As the water rises.
.. Do you copy? (Plummer nods.) Where's the briefcase? The Professor gestures across the room. when I say it.. Shane calmly HANDCUFFS it to his own waist. SHIP'S HOLD . ON THE DECK . When it finally opens.. The SEAL speaks into his neck mic. Shane doesn't seem the slightest bit fazed by the circumstances.SIMULTANEOUS
4.. My way -. He cuts the Professor's GAG. EXT. terrified. in PERFECT SERBIAN: SEAL KEEP SHOOTING! The Guards fire again. One of our SEALS calls out to them. over his head. He tries force the door open. I'm gonna get you outta here.no highway option. SHANE Lieutenant Shane Wolfe. Shane removes his mouth piece.
Shane sticks the mouth piece into Plummer's mouth. PLUMMER How did you know where I. He's gone. United States Navy. they're almost out of ammo. Then Shane Wolf rises out of the water..
OCEAN'S SURFACE . Shane pulls out a retractable CROSSBOW. EXT. Shane swings into the hot seat and grabs the controls. HELICOPTER . clearly he loves this kind of day. He
. INT. SHANE (into his mic) I've got the Prof and the case. It clicks open and he shoots a CABLE into the belly of the helicopter above him. terrified. HELICOPTER .
ON THE SURFACE OF THE WATER . INT. SHANE
INT.CONTINUOUS looks Shane smiles. the Professor and the briefcase UNDER the water. and pulls himself.. Hold on.CONTINUOUS Just before the water envelopes him and Plummer. Chopper's four meters at your 10 o'clock. SHANE You know how to swim? The Pilot nods. Shane takes a deep breath. until there's nothing but empty CLICKS from their guns.. SEAL (CONT'D) Now Lieutenant. holding the Professor. 5. First round's on me back at Virginia Beach.MOMENTS LATER Shane and the Professor rise to the surface as the boat falters behind them.The Seal calls out: "shoot more.CONTINUOUS The SEALS on the Jet Skis SALUTE Shane in the chopper. SHIP'S HOLD . Shane addresses the Pilot in perfect SERBIAN. then disappear gracefully back into the water. pulling the Professor in behind him.A SECOND LATER Shane appears at the Pilot's door. more!" They do. Shane TOSSES the Pilot out.
SHANE (this gets him:) Make it quick. shutting him up. CHARLES Lieutenant. Can I call my wife to let her know I'm okay? SHANE Negative. Not imperative to the mission. CHARLES I'm safe. Please.. The Professor takes out his mouth piece. We have to keep moving. Lieutenant.beside him. SHANE Better keep that on `til we get to the rendezvous point. thank you. I have strict orders to get you out of here safely. PLUMMER Oh my God. That was the most incredible. EXT. Charles stops Shane. PLUMMER (through the mouth piece) Why? Poison gas? SHANE (re: the oxygen) No... Shane and Charles sprint from the chopper towards the waiting Hawk.
. MOUNTAIN CLEARING . Shane sticks the mouth piece back in the Professors' mouth.A LITTLE LATER A Pave Hawk SH-60 helicopter. waits. the Professor looks terrified. She thinks I'm dead. I can't believe you. Shane's chopper appears from behind a tree line and sets down atop the mountain by a stream.. how'd we. I'm just not big on chit chat. (He pats his briefcase) You saved more than just my life today. rotors whirling slowly.. (then) Don't you have a family?
And you should see what happens to you if open it without the code. PILOT sits.. Shane considers. Just gives us a -
The Pilot slumps forward. then hands him his satellite phone. except for the phone and a family PHOTO. INT... CHARLES (CONT'D) Honey. DEAD.CONTINUOUS The Shane climbs in the Hawk and approaches the cockpit. Shane looks in the case: it's EMPTY. The briefcase pops open. Tyler. nothing CHARLES Battery's dead.couldn't crack it. back to him. I do security. that's my specialty.. Designed it myself. you want to see it? Negative. and talks. All goes
. I'm alive.Charles picks up his briefcase. Lulu.. It's voice activated. Shane looks at him. Charles dials his cell phone. WHAM. PAVE HAWK .. Charles dials. RUN!!! black.. He holds the lock up to his mouth and whispers into it: CHARLES Joe. Shane drops. Todd.. SHANE We're almost ready. Peter. SHANE
Charles takes a cell-phone out of the case. I have a picture of my kids in here. Shane turnsSHANE (CONT'D) Professor.. (gestures back:) Those guys back there tried to get this case open for five days -. knocked unconscious.. puzzled. CHARLES (CONT'D) My kids.
friendly. unassuming.7. There is huge explosion. He takes a long look at Shane. You're the best man I ever trained. His arm and face bandaged. but he does it anyway. He looks like he hasn't slept in days.DAY TITLE CARD: 1 Month Later INT. SHANE'S P. F ADE TO BLACK: EST. SHANE . unconscious. And a good friend. HOSPITAL . SHANE
BILL As you were Lieutenant. HOSPITAL . A VERY TALL MAN steps out.
EXT.V. in slow-motion.it hurts to salute. PAVE HAWK . Bill sits down beside the bed.MOMENTS LATER The helicopter is on fire. as the chopper ignites. sir. Shane's Captain enters: BILL FAWCETT (35) -. He holds a REPORT in his hand. barely conscious. grabs the picture of Charles' kids then goes unconscious. Wolf lies facedown in the stream. Shane reaches out. And I except full responsibility for the mission's failure. Everything is ablaze. Captain. despondent..: Everything is a blur.O. Shane salutes him with his bandaged arm -.. He looks around. He sees Charles. and takes Charles' Briefcase. BILL Why the hell did you let him use the satellite phone?
.DAY Shane lies in a hospital bed. I know sir. BILL (CONT'D) We've been through a lot together Shane. A Huey Helicopter lands.
BILL Not a surprise. appreciate your confidence. he pulls off bandages. Not like the professor to hide things where someone might look for them. One pulse from the GHOST satellite and a country can't launch its own nukes. SHANE The case was empty sir.O. Thank you. really. I'm gonna need the mini sub. as I stated in my report. Then.: Guided High-altitude Scrambling Transmitter.. Bill considers this. and sits opposite Shane. disappointed.H. and starts to rise. SHANE Sir. It's not that kind of mission.SHANE He had to call his family. Invigorated. (Bill smiles:) which is why I'm going to give you another shot.H.T.. He can't believe his good fortune. SHANE (CONT'D) I'll need to put a team together. I need access to an EP3 aries 2 spy plane.O..S. G.S. He pulls up a chair.
. He called it G. is still out there.a genius. Shane sits up. He was working on a program that scrambles launch codes.
Bill shakes his head... Plummer was the best security expert the department of defense ever had -.. 8. A lapse in judgement on my part that I regret sir. but they couldn't get S inside the briefcase. BILL . BILL (interrupting:) Negative. disconnects an IV.T. I... That's what the Serbians kidnapped him for.
BILL (CONT'D) Two days ago. sir.NIGHT
. I'm alive. It's just that. I should go. Shane Wolfe. I need someone to stay at that house. CUT
TO: INT. intrigued. top to bottom. SHANE'S APARTMENT . we hear PROFESSOR PLUMMER'S voice. call Lt..
BILL(CONT'D) She's scared. I'll call you in an hour. Widow.if anything happens to me. presses play.Shane listens. maybe it isn't.S. hearing the dead man's voice. Shane is shocked. Either way. I've never been very good with kids. anyway. Whoever killed the professor must think G. Bill pulls a tiny tape recorder from his pocket. And while you're there -find out if the program is in there. You gotta problem with this mission? SHANE Sirnosir.. sir..H. I got a call from the professor's wife.. and protect them.. BILL The professor's wife requested you. Maybe it is. The family's scared. CHARLES (O. BILL .. is in that house. He's a good man.) Honey.T. Not even when I was a kid sir. Listen: A lot can happen between here and home -. She told me someone had broken into her home. I love you.O. SHANE That's it? Why would you want me for that.. Shane is surprised. (MORE)
9.... Searched the place.S.
they all go in. It SQUEAKS. peering up at him.then the door swings open. identical to the one he wears. like it's a lucky rabbit's foot. 8.. WE hear heavier footsteps approaching. machete.Shane packs his duffel bag.
10. He looks at for a moment. Shane looks down -. Shane heads to the door. and a "BLESS THIS MESS" welcome mat. SUBURBAN STREET . He reaches in.O. He steps from the taxi onto an adorable TROLL doll on the sidewalk. Shane darts to the door and rings the bell (it's one of those long cheerful doorbells). Lulu shuts the door in Shane's face.and sees LULU. He rejects it. camouflage vest.
EXT.V.) (before she sees Shane:) Look. He opens the closet: There's a massive furcollared coat. He opens a drawer: There's five t-shirts. Shane frowns. Shane looks like a bad ass. also identical to the one he wears. ready for anything. with toys all over the lawn. then unzips his suit and pins it to the inside. Hm. WE hear TINY FEET approach -. we're not interested. EMALE VOICE (o.. then: LULU Mom! There's some weird bald guy at the door! SLAM.s. Lulu eyes Shane. He opens another drawer: Five khaki pants.: Julie's unkempt suburban house. Shane double-checks the address.. Shane's P.
. Shane eyes Lulu. The sprinklers go off. if you're with the Hare Krishnas. and pulls out a small.. old MEDAL: the ribbon is faded and frayed.AFTERNOON A taxi door opens. then goes back to his it chest of drawers. night vision goggles. Shane packs his duffel with military gear: GPS compass.
The door opens revealing JULIE PLUMMER. Julie holds NAKED baby PETER, 2. She sees Shane, and stops, a little startled by his size... SHANE (salutes:) Lieutenant Shane Wolfe, reporting for duty. JULIE Of course. I'm so sorry. coming. Thank you for
She hugs him. He's not quite sure what to do -- he's a rock, he doesn't flinch. JULIE (CONT'D) Come in and meet the rest of the gang. INT. PLUMMER HOUSE/FOYER - DAY It's warm and quiet. stairsPetite Julie SCREAMS up the
Shane startles, covers his ears. JULIE (CONT'D) Get your butts down here and say "hello!" And then three pairs of feet come down the stairs. Lulu, ZOE, 15, and TODD, 14 line up like the perfect family portrait. Todd's hair hangs in his face. He wears a Sid Vicious shirt and a long trench coat. JULIE (CONT'D) You've already met Lulu. This is Peter, Zoe and Todd. Kids, this is Lieutenant Wolfe. He's the man who is going to be staying with us for a while. All the kids except for ToddKIDS Hi.
Shane nods, stern. On the stairs, a Romanian MAID walks by, carrying a BABY. JULIE And this is Helga and Tyler. Shane nods hello to them. SHANE (official:) Ma'am... Baby. JULIE Kids, go finish your homework. be checking. And I'll
Zoe, Lulu and Todd climb back up the stairs. Julie leads Shane into... INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Julie sits, Shane stands "at ease" (which doesn't look "at ease" at all). SHANE You have a pleasant family, ma'am.
JULIE Charles wasn't around too much. His work took him all over the world. He'd be gone six or seven months at a time. So I think for the younger ones it's a little confusing. Zoe and Todd... well, they're dealing like your normal teenagers. Maybe in Todd's case semi-normal. SHANE Mrs. Plummer, I have to tell you that I did everything I could... JULIE Charles was in a dangerous business. I knew it when I married him. No one's to blame here. (beat) Everyone thinks that Charles told me or the kids where he hid it. And until G.H.O.S.T. is found, we're all in danger.
SHANE Nothing will happen to your family as long as I'm here. I've dealt with much... Suddenly from behind Shane's head a DUCK appears and NIBBLES his ear. Shane spins in full fight stance. He sees the Duck... and relaxes. Sort of. JULIE That's Gary. He was Charles'. The duck QUACKS angrily. Confused, Shane returns to "at ease," keeping one eye on the duck. Mrs. PlummerSHANE
JULIE Call me Julie. Beat. SHANE ... Mrs. Plummer, I'll go secure the perimeter. JULIE I'm glad you're here-
But Shane is already gone. C UT TO: MONTAGE. MILITARY MUSIC PLAYS: Shane secures the area. He paces off the yard.
He mounts surveillance cameras in the eaves. He attaches contact alarms in the doors and windows. Shane climbs a telephone pole, opens the circuit box and TAPS the phones. Shane, now wearing an EAR TRANSMITTER, crawls through the shrubs, hiding electric eyes.
. JULIE What is it? BILL (o. JULIE Don't worry about the Kids. Helga and the Kids in the doorway. it's Bill Fawcett.Nighttime -. and reveal Shane with night vision goggles on scoping the property. listening to the conversation. Shane. This could all be over! BILL (o. Through the window. LIVING ROOM . I'm going to need you on a plane tomorrow morning. Helga will
. through the kitchen window. I have some potentially good news. Swiss law says only his family can access it.
Julie and Shane share a look. The phone RINGS inside.NIGHT Shane.the family eats dinner.) Julie.. with her suitcase.MORNING stand hug Julie.) There's a catch. Julie casually answers it. PLUMMER HOUSE/FOYER .s. I think it could contain GHOST. BILL (o. INT.) A safety deposit box under Charles' name was just found in Switzerland.s.s.. Zoe listens to her I-Pod ignoring the Julie gives her. JULIE That's wonderful. Shane touches his ear transmitter and LISTENS as he walks into the house.. INT.
14. entersJULIE I'll be there. We slowly pull out.
do it.we'll be fine... HELGA Everything will be fine. I am a mom... H
.handle everything. chill. whatever Lieutenant Wolfe asks you to do. Plummer. JULIE (CONT'D) Lieutenant. No.. And on the back door. SHANE
HELGA (she frowns) Too bad. They'll be safe with me.. Helga will take care of everything else. I'm gonna miss you... all the emergency numbers are on the fridge.. I love you guys. Shane turns back to the kids who loom in the doorway. I'll be back in 48 hours. HELGA (CONT'D) Tell me. SHANE Don't worry. . ZOE Mom -. And on the phone. are you licensed to kill? . Mrs.. JULIE (a little choked up:) I know. it's my job to worry. it's just. I don't want you to worry about anything except the safety of my children. Okay? ll the children nod in agreement except Zoe who pops chewing gum bubble. Julie gets in the car and it drives away. And guys. (Worried:) But if there is an emergency.
HELGA You don't like it? You're the SEAL.and finds Lulu screaming and giggling in front of a VIDEO GAME. Helga enters holding the wailing Tyler. HOUSE/FAMILY ROOM ..NIGHT Shane. Shane turns off the light.. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY . WAAAAA!! WAAAAA!! Shane spins.s.NIGHT hane rushes in -... INT. SHANE Could you turn that dowAnd Shane spies half of Todd's face peeking around a corner staring at him. Where's the baby? Without looking Lulu points.
Helga trudges up the path and in..5. looks around for the CRYING BABY. pouring in Cheerios. Gary suddenly FLIES by .he sees A FIGURE SCURRY ACROSS THE BACK LAWN. Immediately.. A diapered Peter stands in the half full AQUARIUM.) Prepare to be annihilated! Lulu SCREAMS. Shane leaps off the ladder and bounds down the stairs two at a time and into the. He shuts off the
. screws in a surveillance camera into the corner of a wall when he hears: MALE VOICE (o. Shane shakes his head. S SHANE (CONT'D) HeyTodd disappears.WHRRP! Shane ducks. elga stomps out. SHANE (CONT'D) . I make bottle.. INT. Shane scowls at Helga: SHANE (CONT'D) You run a very loose ship. The sound of MACHINE GUN FIRING. when in the corner of his eye -. can't find him. on a short ladder. You do something.. Shane heads down the hall.
jumps onto the trampoline. come on Scott. I'll call you.
runs off. calling out from across the street. He spots the Figure climbing the TRELLIS.BACK YARD . fine. SHANE So you're the one who broke in.go back inside. SHANE (CONT'D) I meant PUSH-UPS! Befuddled.. In the middle is a TRAMPOLINE.CONTINUOUS The yard is littered with toys. revealing SCOTT (16) a nervous teenager. . S COTT . They both tumble to the ground... Scott fumbles for his wallet and gives Shane a twenty dollar BILL.. He's dazed. house like a marionette. Shane LIFTING him in the air. Zoe!
. Zoe? SCOTT
Zoe runs out the door. Shane runs. PLUMMER HOUSE . setting off the PIERCING ALARM.. Shane yanks off the DARK FIGURE's hood. (to Todd:) You -Gimme twenty! Freaked. ZOE He's my boyfriend. Zoe -. He flies in the air and latches onto the figure.window alarm and sneaks out silently. SHANE Not with this kid. Scott starts to grabs Scott the back of Scott's shirt. 16.
EXT.. ZOE Okay. spinning him away from the do lame push-ups. tool. Shane grabs Scott by the scruff of the neck. but alright. SHARPER IMAGE night vision goggles.
Zoe storms inside. about the 2000 decibel alarm and the kleig lights and stuff. The Alarm's still blaring. he pulls a tiny camera phone from his pocket.. SHANE
MRS. CHUN . Shane's about to head inside.. Oh. and we found this in our pool filter. THE CHUNS. Look. and snaps a shot of the Chun's car in their driveway.. CHUN (perfect English. The alarm stops.. Shane pulls a remote control from his pocket and clicks it. We had an intruder. Chun tosses him the TROLL DOLL and slam their window shut. Sorry. CHUN Thanks a bunch.NIGHT
. IN PERFECT KOREAN with subtitles: S
17 . The window of the house next door opens: a Korean couple. we own a bakery. Shane stands there. so we're up kind of early. Kojak. Try to keep that zoo reigned in. Would you mind? SHANE Sorry. MR.. fuming. They're arguing with each other in Korean.
SHANE My apologies. pop their heads out. no accent) We speak English. PLUMMER HOUSE . Shane addresses them. I INT. Oh. huh baby-sitter? Mr. A simple misunderstanding.. MR.
. lower than the floor. Shane marches back down the hall. You should have told her the truth. Shane flips her foot in the air. Shane shuts her door.then suddenly spins and tries kicking him in the CROTCH. ZOE Who do you think you are -.)
sing). bangs on Todd's doorLights out. He "hops" her down the hall to her room. continues down the hall. Zoe falls backwards into the room. But Shane catches her foot -and whirls her away.hane marches Zoe up the stairs. SHANE Not anymore. SHANE Your mother thought you were in real danger. Don't make a move `til you're in the SHANE (CONT'D) TODD (o.my dad? Zoe starts to turn -. where Helga is singing a lullaby: (as annoying Has something Barney might ELGA When you're down and low. He passes the NURSERY (Peter and Tyler's room). S W
1 8. Loud. And you feel like you ain't got a chance. angry rock music blares from Todd's room. Bite me! Shane frowns. plans!
Zoe's back to her door. to not fall over. She has to hop on one foot.s.
ZOE (CONT'D) Let me go! It's Saturday night.
groove. then "crab-walks" sideways. Then jumps up. PLUMMER HOUSE . Peter in his bed. She does. INT. T
Z Z T
19. HELGA (CONT'D) Sidestep twice. and do the Peter Panda Dance.laugh and laugh. he wriggles on the floor. Just hop three times like a kangaroo -She does a little "dance" that goes with the lullaby: She hops forwards three times. HOUSE . one step back. HELGA (CONT'D) Then quick like a turtle lie on your back! riggle like a snake `til you can't no more. keeps walkingSHANE This family's in for a rude awakening. Three steps forward.SAME TIME Everyone is asleep. warm orange light.
ulu is surrounded by stuffed animals. a SERIES OF SHOTS: L Tyler snores in his crib. The Children. to their beds.DAWN The sun rises over the neighborhood.
. just like the crabs do. In the bedrooms. Shane shakes his head. in bed -.
CONTINUOUS All the little kids are CRYING.m. Not in front of the kids. TODD'S ROOM . OE Huh? Wha--?! INT.
. Shane flips the mattress over spilling Todd to the floor..
20 . HALLWAY . The Whistle GETS LOUDER. motionless.and Shane strides in with a BOOM BOX. Covering their ears. SHANE Now move it! Todd scrambles to his feet and out the door. L Move. Move. oe is wrapped in blankets. Until A TRUMPET BLARES "REVEILLE"! Zoe jumps.odd is out cold. You're insane.! (he squints at a clock) And it's six a. disoriented. Todd pulls the blanket over his head. ODD It's Sunday. carrying the crying baby. like she's been electrocuted. half-asleep and angry. Suddenly his door flies open -. TODD W-what are you doing??! SHANE You're burning daylight.. Helga runs through in hair curlers. not understanding what's happening. INT.MORNING Todd sits up. Todd blinks groggily.
HELGA (She curses in Romanian) SHANE Hey.
) Shane's jaw drops.
SHANE Do not copy me! ULU Make up your mind.LATER The children are assembled. SHANE Usca mi-as chilotii pe crucea lu mata! Helga narrows her eyes. LULU ("copying" him) I said -. shocked.. HELGA (She curses Again. INT. L
21. I've only got one rule: Everything is done my way..he gives him a look of disbelief.do you. lined up tallest to shortest.. In order to maintain a state of safety we need to maintain a state of discipline and order. Do you copy? Do you copy? What? LULU
SHANE I said -..
. No highway option. sucking on a bottle. in Romanian. KITCHEN . ladies. Your behavior is unacceptable. HELGA What's it matter? Nobody speaks Romanian. Shane firmly starts his Patton speech: SHANE Listen up. At the end on the floor is Baby Tyler.do you.
SAME TIME S hane marches to Todd's shut door.. He yells at her. It's broken by the sound of a large AIR BUBBLE from the aquarium.a tense silence. Marine sergeant style: SHANE Let me explain how the chain of command works. Just because my mom's paranoid doesn't mean we have to take orders from you. Everyone cracks up. ZOE I am not wearing that. with footsteps silent like death -Shane looks to Zoe for translation. but it's locked. He reaches into his bag and unpacks a set of small hightech button. P eter farted. So you are -. where's the older male? There were five. Shane bounds up the stairs. Now that I know I can't trust you. wait.and you do it. End of chain. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY .. Shane tries to maintain decorum.Shane starts to speak then thinks better. SECURITY BRACELETS with a red light and a covered He straps one to each Kid's wrist. Angry. Shane bangs hard on it.. Touch that -. S ULU (CONT'D)
. Red baby. Red 2. INT.. Now I'm not gonna have time to learn your names. He tries the knob. SHANE Tracking devices. ZOE He's in his room. The panic button is only for emergencies. Red Leader. Everyone stares blankly -.(pointing) Red 1. or you're dead. HELGA (mysterious) He walks like Dracula. he's furious. I tell you what to do -. Never take them off.you better be dying.
22..MORNING . PLUMMER HOUSE . Can I get by? TODD
Embarrassed. patrolling. INT. She stops at Todd's door -. this wouldn't have happened. to her room. the destroyed door and wall.
SHANE Open this door!
No answer. He has to go. A piece of the ceiling falls.SMASH! The wood CRACKS.a FLUSH. then muttersSHANE Here's your bracelet. TODD'S ROOM hane charges inSHANE It didn't have to go down likeTodd isn't there. He sees Shane. Shane SNAPS it onto Todd's wrist.NIGHT The bathroom door opens. Shane turns away from the door and DONKEY KICKS it. I can fix this. HALLWAY . hits Shane on the head. then CRASHES inward.. and Todd comes sauntering back.. SHANE All I need is a hammer and some plaster of Paris. Todd nods in agreement. Down the hall -.they glare at Shane.. Shane steps aside. Zoe comes up the stairs. INT.LATER ZOE
. INT. The entire frame collapses. If you'd been wearing it. and head down the hall. Oops.
He rushes for the front door. Peter Booos again. HALLWAY .S
hane does one-handed push ups in the living room while the Duck watches. hard. Daddy even said so. And then it hits Shane.) SORRY DUDE! Shane rubs his nose. wearing a towel as a sheet. INT. clicks his alarm remote opens it. to see that Peter is chasing her. Lulu hides behind Shane.
I don't know. He said there's a ghost.the MORNING PAPER connects with his face. LULU This house is haunted. Peter! screams.LATER
. Lulu screams at the top of her lungs. His head shifts. With his other hand he loads the PHOTO of the Chun's license plate into his laptop computer.S. hey.WHACK -. PAPERBOY (O. L S
23. Really? His eyes light up. Lulu SHANE Hey. He pretends to be a ghost.the rumble of a car approaching. good soldiers aren't afraid of anything. Shane turns. he hears something suspicious -. just as -. From off-screen we hear a PAPERBOY.
SHANE And where is this ghost? ULU I've never seen it. Whhhoooooo! PETER
LULU Stop it.
Then -. STAIRWAY .. Nothing... As he walks he glides his hands along the wall. inally. Zoe whispers. He RAPS again. Searching. all the way down. listening for hollow spaces. When he hears an alert from his laptop.. I INT.Shane walks slowly down the hall. Shane scans it.ZOE AND TODD
. Shane lifts his left foot out to take a step down. T IGHT . scanning the ceiling.. takes a step onto the stairs -HELGA AHHH!!! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! She flies down the greased stairs. ZOE Here he comes. Chun's photo appears next to a VEHICLE REGISTRATION. She screams. The footsteps againTODD He's coming backBut Helga. He goes back to the living room.
Shane strides to the top step and RAPS on the wall. BAM! Helga HITS the bottom with a mighty crash. BANGING her head and ass on each step. pushing. appears. carrying a huge laundry basket.SAME TIME Todd and Zoe kneel on the stairs. F
. as laundry flutters down from above. Todd and Zoe's faces fall. They surreptitiously pour COOKING OIL all over the wood.a creak..! Zoe and Todd run downstairs and hide behind the couch. then turns his attention to his laptop. MR. feeling.
sit across a desk from a SWISS BANKER. BILL (CONT'D) This is absurd. The Banker puts up a finger to "shush" him. He licks his finger again.til their patience runs BILL As we discussed. Bill can't stand it anymore. EXT. SWISS BANK . I can't. mouthing along in FRENCH. He's reading a HUGE stack of paperwork with a magnifying glass. The Banker looks at him blankly. JULIE Can't you call somebody? Do something to get us around all this paperwork? BILL Sorry. If we can't get some faster service. but can't get the page to turn. we're going to have to file a complaint. and shuffles across the room to a WATER COOLER.They gulp.DAY Establishing. ZOE Uh-oh. terrified. Not in Switzerland. They wait patiently -. He fills a paper cup with water and shuffles back to his desk. He dips his finger in the water to turn the page.
. It's taking him a LONG time. this is an urgent matter. He seems to be about 100 years old. SWISS BANK . looking jet-lagged. then licks his finger to turn the page. He jumps to his feet. BANKER Marcel!
out. 25. Then looks back to the paperwork.DAY Bill and Julie. INT. He feebly gets up.
SAME TIME Helga. As she tries to wrestle it away. Shane moves for the phone. the chief does not speak English. AGGH! HELGA These brats! Sugi Pula!
SHANE Red Leader. Oui. QUACKING. enters. How long is that? INT. that makes me calm! SHANE Let's not be hasty. remain calm --
26.Shane tries to block her path.Another Banker. MARCEL. suitcases in hand. JULIE Thank you. Shane picks up the receiver. SHANE (CONT'D) Hello--(sees Helga crawling away) Don't even think about it. Shane dives. Suddenly. grabbing her foot. SHANE (CONT'D)
. RING! Amid the chaos. Helga takes the opening and runs for the door. PLUMMER HOUSE . The duck flies around. I QUIT. and Helga dashes for the door. He grabs her suitcase.you will have access to the box tout-suite. heads to the door -.
HELGA I am calm. As soon as your background checks clear. He DRAGS her back. The suitcase handle breaks off. But I can tell you -. MARCEL
BANKER Je ne comprende pas. MARCEL (to Bill and Julie:) I'm so sorry. Peter's in the aquarium.
as Helga makes a dash down the path to a waiting cab.
SHANE (CONT'D) Take care. You're gonna be gone how much longer? here's a pause. Shane body-checks it closed. so Julie can't hear the struggle) No no -. SHANE (CONT'D) Ah! Things are GREAT!!! You do what you have to do. EXT. SHANE (CONT'D)
Helga's at the door. Mrs. HOUSE . Plummer. and Shane falls back. the camera DOLLY/ZOOMS as he says it: SHANE (CONT'D) Five business days? elga's shoe comes off -.everything's fine. CRUNCH. He picks up his hand.Ah. Duty.. that landed on a diaper..CONTINUOUS Shane chases Helga to the cab.
27. Shane lets go. SHANE Red Leader! I command you to come back! That is a direct order! You can't leave a man behind!!
.. SHANE (CONT'D) That is not a problem. Helga struggles to get him off. (covering the phone.Helga falls forwards. Shane hangs up the phone. Just doing my. Helga scampers out the door. Helga chomps down on Shane's hand.. Plummer. Mrs. against the counter.
HOUSE .SHANE His jaw drops in disbelief.. takes a deep breath and strides inside. He drops his head. we're just gonna have some more big fun. ANGLE .CONTINUOUS Shane enters.SHANE Rises. ANGLE . then does an obscene Romanian hand gesture. baby cries. Then -. dumbfounded.he slowly glances up. ACROSS THE STREET The Korean couple is staring at him. Helga glares back. The
28. Your mom's not coming back as soon as she thought. listen up. TODD That's what we've been doing? LULU But tomorrow's a school day.. to find the kids are all gloomy. KOREAN WOMAN Don't worry. INT. defeated. in the rear window.
LULU (worried) When is she coming back? SHANE Soon. SHANE (CONT'D) (SCREAMING) I don't know the Peter Panda song!! As the cab pulls away. she'll come back. SHANE Okay. In the meantime. Shane awkwardly picks the baby up. There's been a change of plans.
..Helga jumps in the cab. if she loves you..
inundated. everyone bolts from the room. WHOA! HALT! We'll take this hill one inch at a time. Using the tools as chopsticks. HEY! Even Peter runs.
hane quickly moves the Baby away from his body. I'm Navy.. SShane GROANS. nice moment. Pure self-preservation. All for one.MOMENTS LATER Shane enters. SHANE Whoa.
.FWRPPPP! But I appreciate
SHANE (CONT'D) Tell me that was the duck? FWRPPP! WE zoom in on the baby's leering face.SHANE He gulps. then pulls out PLIERS and a SCREWDRIVER.
29.ZOE I need a signed release for Driver's Ed! LULU I've got Brownies! Shane reacts. Only then can we rise to the challenge. and one for all! LULU (singing) "Be all that you can be!" SHANE That's Army. INT.
CLOSE-UP . He lowers Tyler onto a changing pad. BATHROOM . holding his nose. takes a deep breath. And then -. Nobody will help.it flops open. repelled. holding out the Baby at full arm's length. he cautiously unfastens the diaper. Until -. SHANE (CONT'D) Hey. your enthusiasm..
INT. Lulu follows at his heels. Then: Shane picks up the Baby and dips the bottom half in the toilet. Shane tries approaching -.SHANE The things I do for my country.NIGHT
Shane patrols the hall.he can't do it. She follows. it starts making Shane uncomfortable. Shane is again twirling the MEDAL in his fingers. LULU Hi. making sure all the doors and windows are locked. Lulu doesn't go away. he looks around for a solution. Lulu is in her pj's.) Thank you. he looks down to see Lulu. HALLWAY . LULU Do you know Kung Fu? Affirmative.
... A hand tugs on Shane's shirt. SHANE (unsure how to respond. then FLUSHES. she just stares at him. Aghast. I think you're cute. Zoe thinks you look like the Hulk.
LULU (CONT'D) What's that medal for? SHANE None of your business. over and over and over. SHANE
LULU Did you ever punch someone so hard that their head came off? hane walks away from Lulu. LULU I'll trade you a SpongeBob button for it. like a puppy.
The kids sit down at their designated spots. SHANE What are you waiting for? Dig in.
. LULU (CONT'D) Is that so people can't hurt us? He bends down to her level. Lulu takes out a bag of turkey slices and a coffee packet. All the lights are out. Zoe pulls out a bag of FETTUCCINE ALFREDO and some matches. and patrols.it's time for you take a nappypoo. Shane breathes a sigh of relief.BREAKFAST . INT. KITCHEN .Shane walks room to room.
Todd. all the kids asleep. Shane smiles. Lulu and Zoe all tear open their bags. proud of his accomplishment.
31. LULU Do I look like I'm five to you? Lulu sulks off to bed. The Kids stare at "breakfast. in beddibye land. Lulu looks at him." dubious. and tries to sound sweet: SHANE I think -. SHANE (CONT'D) Don't worry. I can get lots more of those.MORNING The Kids are dressed for school. little girl. and shuts off her light. And I've survived off this stuff for months. Todd pulls out a bag of CORN BEEF HASH and a Snickers bar. like he's an idiot. On the table in front of each place is a tan BAG. pulling down the shades on every window. confused by the MRE's (MEALS READY TO EAT) in front of them.
If I say in... Your mama -..who SCREAMS at the top of his lungs. all for one. Peter stands in his chair.here's how it's gonna be. So -.. too. you go out. one for all.. SHANE
Lulu crosses her eyes at Shane. I don't have any idea what you're talking about. you stay in. dancing. then at Tyler -. He runs away. LULU .ZOE Like I'm really gonna eat all those carbs. I can cross my eyes.is not here to take care of you now. Shane turns to address them: SHANE Okay..
. ladies.. trying to hear over the screaming. Shane answers. Lulu asks Shane: LULU Can you kill a man with your bare hands? SHANE You play too many video games. SHANE I did not say at ease! Peter's eyes fill with tears. if I say out. Wanna see? Negative.. LULU Tyler hates it when I do that. crying. PETER Ba ba do the hokie pokey. Peter starts bawling. Shane sighs. he doesn't have any idea what you're talking about. We're gonna pull together. Shane turns to Lulu.. (then:) Yes. The table cloth is yanked to the floor. ZOE He's only two.. And the phone rings...
." Shane puts Tyler in a CAR SEAT.MOMENTS LATER CLOSE UP ON: a stopwatch... A bumper sticker declares "World's Greatest Mom.. It does a skidding 180 and heads down the street. he's got a bandoleer of baby-bottles and juice boxes. innocently.
SHANE Plummer residence... With your .M. STUDENTS of all ages are hurrying inside. He wants to see you in his office. yes. Shane TIES the buckles in a fancy knot. Oh. INT. EXT. dramatically unveiling Shane. The Minivan skids completely sideways.h. Its interlocking buckle connects FOUR WAYS. LULU We're gonna be late. It hits ZERO. Shane can't hide his contempt as he sees: Julie's WHITE MINIVAN.MOMENTS LATER He's The garage door opens. Thank you. Across his chest. into a TINY parking spot -.9:29 A. you and Todd are expelled. perfect parallel park. INT..p.MOMENTS LATER The car speeds out of the drive. A big suburban school. EAST BETHESDA K-12 SCHOOL . legal guardian. I know it's Monday. wearing Tyler in a SNUGGLE. Shane fumbles with it for a while. backwards at sixty m. He hangs up.a death defying. ZOE Who was that? SHANE Your vice principal. SHANE Not on my watch. GARAGE . It just doesn't add up.. Zoe smiles at him. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE . sir. He said if you're late again. EXT. and at that
. GARAGE . Busses and PARENTS are parked at the curb.
K thru 12. They're the worst students in my school. MURNEY aby-sitter huh. Holding the stopwatch is the VICE PRINCIPAL MURNEY (50's).P in charge of discipline. they needed a parole officer. You're in my house now.
. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE
. The Kids crack up.moment. (re: Todd:) And the creeper here played hookey from every wrestling practice this month. and the Kids: Shane sits with Tyler in a Snuggle. He withers. V. He's HUGE and mean. Plummer finally listened. She's attractive. I'm in charge of watching these kids for. too. OMAN'S VOICE Your school? Murney grimaces as PRINCIPAL CLAIRE NELSON (early 30's) enters. I coach wrestling. as he plays on the floor. I'm Murphy. boy. assured.. Murney is furious. conduct and truancy. tough. Duane. Top to bottom. Out of twenty-three. He glares at Shane. son? SHANE Wolfe.. The Kids are seated around him.
MURNEY I always said these kids didn't need a baby sitter. the SCHOOL'S BELL RINGS. whatever work you can get. Shane. Murney is unimpressed. mortified. Looks like Mrs. Lieutenant. MURNEY (CONT'D) She's missed twenty-two Driver's Ed classes. a few days. MURNEY (CONT'D) (To Shane) What's your name. Well. holding Peter on a harness.
. Plummer called my captain. staring him up and down. You see. Plummer. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE (CONT'D) Lieutenant.. Principal Claire eyeballs him. What are you doing in my office. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Then hop to it.two little red DOTS move away. She told me all about you. I am in charge of.
34. The opens the door for Murney. as he casually holds the three kids. The teens hustle off to their classes.. that as vice principal. I think I can handle this from here.
PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Very little. huh? You with "The Teams?" The
. Lieutenant. Claire sees this -. Good.. Murney? MURNEY I was explaining.. I thought I asked you to find out who stuck to the baloney slices to the cafeteria ceiling with mustard? MURNEY I'm got some leads. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE So. Mrs. (then. SHANE Red 1. BELL rings. Shane checks his TRACKER -. confidential:) My informant's about to crack. I was briefed of the situation by Mrs. You're the new baby-sitter? SHANE Bodyguard. Red 2.Good morning kids. Get moving. fuming. She notices NAVY SEAL tattoo on his upper arm.and suddenly reacts. she thought the kids needed PRINCIPAL CLAIRE It's okay. impressed. He exits.
PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Commitment".. (Tyler in Snuggle) is riding the saw in the school's playground. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Permission granted. Courage.. Permission to stick around and keep eyes on the kids? She smiles. So.. She lifts her pants leg. revealing a tiny ANCHOR TATTOO on her ankle.. Peter rides on the other side with a group of KIDS. to balance Shane. SHANE Can't be too careful. Just try not to frighten the children. EAST BETHESDA K-12 SCHOOL .(Shane nods. JUMP CUT TO: EXT.. SHANE . That's the way I live my life. and the way I run my school. A picture of Claire in a Naval uniform pops up as well as her stats. The
35.. Service paid for my college.. SHANE "Honor. Shane types on his laptop: CLAIRE NELSON. On the spot.) Petty Officer Third Class Claire Nelson at your service.. Claire looks nervously around. dead serious. Welcome aboard. SHANE
. SHANE No one will even notice I'm here.
Shane stares not sure whether to believe.MID-MORNING seeShane. You're kidding? PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Four years at Naval base Coronado.
does the same. with stern intensity. SHANE Give up now. two. SHANE (CONT'D) Open in T minus three. one. INT. with a group of HIP FRIENDS... BINOCULARS P. Peter is destroying a sandwich with animal crackers. Shane closes the computer. like a tether ball. He checks his tracking device.V. Save us both a world of pain. delighted. Reveal: Shane is talking to Tyler. Lulu waves from 2nd Grade.O. Black Hawk coming in. SHANE (CONT'D) Back off.. yanks his hood over his head. Now -. in line to get lunch.
. Todd. Peter is running in circles around him on his harness. as Shane goes from window to window of from the school: Zoe is glaring at him through the window her seat in a class..
ON THE PLAYGROUND: Shane stands with his Baby snuggle.
36 .: Five hundred students eat at long tables. He turns to the person front of him. sitting in the back row of a class. picks up a pair of binoculars. in Shane puts down his binoculars. Todd. Beside Shane.O. in his safety seat -trying to get him to eat.LUNCH TIME BINOCULARS P.last time: Open the hanger.Clean as a whistle. Zoe. Along line of FIRST GRADERS wait for the seesaw.V. CAFETERIA . Lulu sees Shane and waves. Official Business. turns her back to him embarrassed.
. by SHANE
Tyler starts to cry -.. Seriously.) Shane. He yanks Tyler away from him. Claire smiles.but Shane stops him from crying making a funny face. lieutenant.. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE What would you say is the secret with kids. Can I call you Shane? . man.Tyler gurgles. RINCIPAL CLAIRE I'll drink to that. Shane sighs. A whole day.
37. huh? Shane gives her a look.but you're pretty good at this.
SHANE Hey -.. and all three Plummer's stayed out of trouble.
. Principal Claire sits next to Shane with her lunch tray.I out rank you. Mr. Oh. you know. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Don't take this personally -. Shane sees that Tyler is pouring his juice Box all over Shane's pants. Wolfe? SHANE Show no weakness. SHANE
PRINCIPAL CLAIRE So. Principal Claire smiles. I bet you didn't know you'd be serving creamed bananas to one year olds. you don't. When you agreed to serve your country. I guess.. with milk. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Not here. Sure. (she toasts. not so dry where you're sitting. I'm impressed. You're on dry land. ignoring him.. (she looks at his chair) Well. Tyler laughs.
PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Todd started a fight with five students at once? Shane turns to Todd. Murney smirks. (Todd)
38. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE If I catch anyone on the team fighting again. as four STUDENTS in Wrestling Jackets hold Todd. the crowd freezes. impressed. MURNEY You heard the lady.That's. MURNEY The kid's mixed up. LUNCH-LINE . Zoe. VP Murney is watching. Look at him. As soon as they see the Principal. and gives her a "I'll handle it" wink.CONTINUOUS Students are in a ring. Todd! Shane and Claire push through the Students. Then vice principal Murney steps forward. INT. Todd slips out of their hold and decks the Wrestler. Personally
.. cheering. Suddenly there's a huge crash around the corner. Any more fighting and there'll be no more wrestling. but not stopping it. and "punches fists" with him. One reaches down and gives Todd a "wedgy" then another WRESTLER punches him. unusual. RINCIPAL CLAIRE Who started this? Silence.. Shane hands Tyler off to the Principal and leaps over the table... next week's tournament is off. I don't care who starts it. cheers Todd on: ZOE Kick his butt. MURNEY He did. and the sound of Students in an uproar. in the crowd.
Nice moves. MURNEY Pretty slick.
MURNEY Oh. to Todd:) `Scept for Plummer here.
flinch.I think that's a little harsh. Don't even think it. Todd lunges at him. No one is more Ssurprised than Todd and Shane..total control.. Murney makes a loud Kung Fu CRY and throws a punch. SHANE . He'd kill you so fast. (low.. Murney approaches Shane. Shane puts an arm over Todd's shoulder. Frogman -. The Bell rings. sticking the landing. yeah. I wouldn't even have time to get my camera.. we'd show the boys how a couple of pros do it.
39 . Murney. Murney snickers to Claire: MURNEY (CONT'D) Looks like pretty boy there's all bark and no bite. Sorry. Maybe you could stop by practice. man. SHANE . what do you say? Come on. Shane effortlessly grabs Todd and Judo FLIPS HIM -. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE . the crowd breaks up. Shane doesn't MURNEY (CONT'D) See -.. Boys'll be boys. sir.
. I forgot you had to baby-sit. promise I'll go easy on you.Todd lands on his feet. That's right.I'm a black belt myself. S'why they asked me to coach the wrestling team. Todd shakes him off and heads to class. I'm on duty. stopping an inch from Shane's head.. Maybe some other time then.
PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Another day. Roger that. as he keeps watch.CONTINUOUS
.. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE That's not what I mean. and not cry. Shane hands off Peter and Tyler to the Principal. He looks at his tracker: it's flashing RED 3 RED 3. Lt. Then Shane smells what she means -. following his tracking device. But. INT. Emergency! SHANE
INT. doing a shoulder roll. for one who'll eat..
Just then. Bathroom's down the hall. The Principal strolls up.CONTINUOUS Shane runs down the hall.. 2ND GRADE CLASSROOM . Not my job. It leads him to a door. 40. an alarm in his Jacket GOES OFF. minus taxes. SHANE Oh -. he pushes Tyler towards the Principal. Uh.2:55 Shane looks exhausted. Peter is asleep in his shoulder.. SHANE
PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Instructions are right on the box. SCHOOL HALLWAY .INT. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Sirnosir.Tyler's diaper is full.. holding Tyler out like a grenade. He bursts though it. 2ND GRADE HALLWAY . Tyler is crying..change him. another dollar twenty. aren't you gonna change him? SHANE I'd love to. Have fun. Panicked. Shane recoils in disgust.
EXT.CONTINUOUS Shane runs with Lulu through the mob of Kids. racing down the road ahead of Shane.
41. The DOTS on the tracker are headed North. HALLWAY . The board reads: SHOW AND TELL.2ND GRADERS are sitting on the floor. through the fence. CONSTRUCTION SITE . EXT. are heading away from the school fast. Shane lands in fight stance -. LULU See! My nanny can kick your nanny's butt.the Class applauds. He hands her to the Principal. Shane is furious. Next to Lulu is a very upstaged LITTLE BOY with a FROG.CONTINUOUS Shane dives into the Minivan. SHANE
EXT.MOMENTS LATER The BLINKING DOTS on his tracker are side by side. He leaps out of the minivan. He blasts through a red light. They make a sharp right.CONTINUOUS Two BIG CONSTRUCTION workers are standing on the other side of the plywood wall -. I INT. EAST BETHESDA K-12 SCHOOL . with the Panic Button in her hand.a PLYWOOD WALL surrounds the site. He looks: CLOSE-UP ON THE TRACKER SCREEN: Two DOTS labeled RED 1 and RED 2. At that moment. He speeds away after them. Lulu is in front of the class. Lulu sticks her tongue out at him. BUSY INTERSECTION . IN FRONT OF A CONSTRUCTION SITE . almost tipping the minivan. He looks at the tracker: and Todd are dead ahead. his Tracker Alarm sounds again.MOMENTS LATER He turns a corner -.Shane KICKS out one entire
. Shane makes a right. but the FINAL BELL rings. Thanks.
Shane easily takes them out. INT. A note is tied to them: "Ha! Ha!" 42.
. Todd and Zoe's BEEPS are coming from a MANHOLE. SEWER .section. to see several CONSTRUCTION WORKERS. He winces. The remaining Workers give Shane a scared look -. Red 1? SHANE Red 2? He looks down. feet away. ANGLE . Shane pries off the manhole cover. No sweat. all brandishing tools.the DOTS are CLOSE.
It's horrific. SQUISHY footsteps. you're about to get a beat down. Shane trudges through the river of muck. and charges through. The DOTS BEEP LOUDER. then checks his tracker.LIVING ROOM . He comes up for air with ZOE and TODD'S HOMING BEACONS.he sees the blinking lights below the surface. Three Workers rush him. CONSTRUCTION WORKER What hell do you think you're doing? He turns around.then gasps -.
INT. He takes a deep breath and dives under. they hear the front door open. He catches his breath.SAME TIME Shane lands shoulder deep in DISGUSTING SLUDGE.It's dark and dank. SHANE Tell me where the kids are and I'll let you all live! CONSTRUCTION WORKER Buddy. IN THE MANHOLE . He's almost there! He splashes around a corner -.LATER Principal Claire sits with the Kids in the living room. PLUMMER HOUSE .SHANE He's alone. Shane lowers himself down. and the sound of OMINOUS. then checks the tracker -. From outside.then RUN.
LATER Tyler is in a high-chair. KITCHEN . INT. If you need anymore help. he doesn't say anything. CLAIRE I should probably get going then. CLAIRE Shane are you okay? SHANE (eerily calm:) Just fine.
. (into his radio:) Cancel that a.b. CUTE COP 14 year old Male.. A CUTE YOUNG COP enters behind Shane. INT. Everyone gasps. Peter rocks in a cradle-swing. Shane looks around at Scott and Zoe. looking like a Swamp Creature.. but with his hand he makes a "my eyes on you" gesture. That's the one to call if nobody's fleein' or bleedin'. Zoe checks him out as he goes. Call.. thank you. BACK YARD . revealing Shane.
INT. The smell is BAD. Zoe fixes her hair. She practically GAGS as she passes him. Covering her nose. He pours an entire bottle of SHAMPOO over himself.DAY Shane BURNS his clothes in the barbecue. use our nonemergency number. BATHROOM .
.Then the door swings open.p. Todd stiffens. weird hair.. The Cop leaves. then covers their noses. Ditto.. CUTE COP (CONT'D) In the future. The Cop turns to Shane. with a smirk. The Cop looks at them.LATER Shane is in the shower. 16 year old female.
You gotta help me out. Lulu starts to sniffle.S.) Get rid of them. Mom's our den mother. and if we can't go to the Jamboree. SHANE Selling cookies isn't imperative to my mission. it's Monday. He looks at it.all junk food.. cause mom never lets me out of her sight. they're staring at him. (whispers:) Come on. Wednesday and Saturday are troop nights. INT. Shane. They already think I'm a loser. SHANE (O.a dozen little girls in uniforms. 4. He sees on the fridge. And it's not like I have any other friends.. and whistle.Shane enters. If we don't sell enough cookies. Everybody's parents go out on troop nights. They won't be home `til ten. Helga'S SHOPPING LIST -. LULU We have to. before he notices: Sitting around the table are Lulu's entire BROWNIE TROOP . pulling Lulu after him. FAMILY ROOM . LULU (CONT'D) Tonight we're supposed to sell cookies. close to tears. The Brownies applaud. cringing in disgust. we can't go the Jamboree. BROWNIE oo hoo! Hubba hubba! Shane covers up and leaps into the Family Room. LULU I can't. Monday. in just a towel.CONTINUOUS SHANE Who are those people? LULU It's my troop. 4
then loads Peter and Tyler into TWO SNUGGLES -one attached to his front." paces in front of the Brownie Troop... I think mom found him from one of those Tough Love boot camps or something. I'm scared of you. ZOE'S BEDROOM . KITCHEN .wait here. unpacking boxes of cookies. back in "uniform. Shane closes the front door and attaches a "Club" lock to it.
. yeah. the other to his back.. I'm gonna be your den -commander. They are assembled. revving a cordless POWER DRILL.. at attention.. He's not just locking them -. INT. VARIOUS SHOTS: As Shane uses the drill to seal every window and door. Shane ushers the Troop out the door. BROWNIE Den Mother? . Shane sighs.we could run out of air! Shane lifts her window so it's open a HALF INCH. INT.MOMENTS LATER Shane. Shane blows passed her. ladies. he's a total psycho. INT. then drills it into place.. Tonight.Lulu's about to burst into tears. Now -. ZOE . SHANE Alright. SHANE Good.A LITTLE LATE The Brownies are in the living room. Zoe's on the phone. ZOE This is totally cruel and unusual! You can't do this -. Here's how it's gonna be. LIVING ROOM . That means if you want to live to see tomorrow. do as I say. DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER? The Brownies stare art him in stunned silence. getting ready to go. Indian Style.he's SCREWING THEM SHUT WITH DRYWALL SCREWS.MOMENTS LATER Shane's finishing up the last window.
. As the minivan pulls out of the driveway. but if anything happens.. hits speed-dial."what are you.PARKING LOT . GROCERY STORE . not munchkin Oz -HBO Oz. EXT.
EXT. it's like Oz or something. Tyler looks at him -. NOTHING looks familiar -.MOMENTS LATER Shane watches the Brownies on the store's CLOSED CIRCUIT monitor.. 100 pack VALUE CASE of SPAM.AFTERNOON Shane pulls the minivan into the crowded parking lot -the Brownies are all singing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall at the top of their lungs. nuts?" EXT. SHANE I gotta get supplies. Scott.. Snack packs.MOMENTS LATER Shane (double-Snuggled) helps the Brownies set up a card table to display their cookies.. GROCERY STORE . Zoe picks up the phone.. LULU (flashing her bracelet) I know.. He smiles. ZOE'S WINDOW: Inside. (she listens:) Hm. EXT. Rainbow Fruit Roll-Ups. I dunno if that's a good idea... ZOE . GROCERY STORE . DRIVEWAY .5..nothing even looks like food. colorful boxes of Children's Cereals. He sees: a huge. but they're
..MOMENTS LATER Shane Loads the brownies and toddlers into the minivan. as he pushes a cart into the store. GROCERY STORE . I can see you through the window.CONTINUOUS The Brownies are trying to sell the cookies. the camera CRANES up to. No. INT. he's got us on lock-down. He looks around at the bright.
GROCERY STORE . He laughs. you Skeever?
. One The Brownies take off running. chubby CUB SCOUTS. we see who she means: A group of bad ass. menacingly. but can't get away. How are we supposed to sell raffle tickets when this place reeks of your skanky cookies? 2ND SCOUT BEAT IT. SHANE Where are my troops? UGLY CUB SCOUT .noticing
very shy.but Lulu and the Brownies are gone. He rips it open.. SLOW MOTION: In a shot out of Reservoir Dogs. the Cub Scout takes her SCARF..MOMENTS LATER Shane heads to the Brownie's table -. and lets her go. In their place are the Chubby Scouts..
. EXT. clutching their boxes. before I get my face punching badge on you..
BROWNIE Oh no. The Ugly Scout yanks a box of cookies away from Lulu. of the Scouts grabs Lulu -. what's stinky and floats `til you flush `em? Brownies? 2ND SCOUT
The Scouts cackle. they're back. I haven't seen anybody. UGLY CUB SCOUT This is Troop 16 territory. dumping the cookies on the ground and grinding Uthem with his foot. UGLY CUB SCOUT (to another Scout) Hey Skeever. One of the Brownies spots something.. The Cub Scouts high-five.she tugs and tugs. Finally. SHOPPERS blow passed them without even them.. They're headed straight towards the cookie table.
2ND SCOUT Nope. Shane takes off running in the direction of the signal.DAY An extreme CU of the Chuck E. I'm here to protect you. Dead serious: SHANE Well then -. CHUCK E. SHANE What happened? (No one answers) Well? LULU Those boys over there broke our cookies. CHEESE . Shane eyes the Cub Scouts. BROWNIES No! Shane stops.I'm afraid I have to eliminate them. If I don't come back -avenge my death. who's close to tears: SHANE This is not a toy. Get in the car. Not cookies.A LITTLE LATER . we're going home. BROWNIE You can't take us home yet. trembling. Around his neck. Shane's monitor starts beeping.SECONDS LATER Shane runs up to the minivan. PARKING LOT . and points at Lulu's Panic button. He firmly tells Lulu. Cheese MANAGER. He wears
. The Brownies scream. Where? SHANE
INT. The Brownies are huddled behind it.
47. You wanna buy a raffle ticket? We're trying to win .22's. He heads toward the Scouts. you're supposed to take us to dinner. He bends down.
Brownies are running around. this much cyanide.CHAOS. The Manager approaches Shane... Cheese automaton band JAMS. Shane's watching Peter. but the headgear seems to hurt his face when he smiles. while he holds Tyler in the Snuggle. MANAGER Welcome to Chuck E. in the PLASTIC BALL POOL. MANAGER How `bout a re-fill on that pischer of Mischer Pibb? What? SHANE
MANAGER (gesturing:) Pischer of Mischer Pibb?
Frustrated. This much
The Manager laughs. the Chuck E. SCREAMING CHILDREN everywhere.braces and head-gear. she grabs Shane by the sleeve and drags him over to the stand up Mortal Kombat game. Lulu approaches.. On stage. the Manager picks up a pitcher and exits.. SHANE I wish I were in Chechnya. which causes him to lisp.
. LULU Let's fight! SHANE I'm watching your brother. Cheese! Wider reveals.. playing video games and ball. A LITTLE LATER:
48.. MANAGER Anything elsh I can do for you? SHANE In a big glass (he shows him) ice.
She leaps over Shane in a somersault and throws a DOZEN throwing stars.Peter's happily splashing about in the plastic balls. SHANE That's not fair. kneels on his head. My joystick's broken. Nobody can jump thirty feet.. SHANE That wasn't a documentary.
. Lulu's fighter picks up Shane's in the air. Lulu picks a small female character. ON THE SCREEN: they each select a fighter. He steps up to the machine.LULU I pressed two player. stretches.. Then kicks him in the head repeatedly. He's really mad. Then he a joy stick. I thought you liked combat. Shane doesn't like the sound of that. and then a kick in the face. He cracks his knuckles. in unison: VIDEO GAME/LULU Prepare to be annihilated!
49 . He checks over his shoulder -. Shane is taking it really seriously. LULU You wanna switch? They switch sides. The second round starts.she pins him to the ground. They begin. Brownies have gathered around to can't watch. Shane even get one punch in -. Round three starts. spins her. Unless you're scared. SHANE (CONT'D) This isn't fair. then kicks him in the face. Lulu's fighter does a series of kicks. LULU The Hulk can. Shane picks a man who looks LIKE SHANE. then cracks her in half over his knee. Lulu screams out with her fighter.
INT. swinging and missing.
50... Sparks fly. the Zhouse is quiet. its joystick dangling by its wires. leaving the sizzling machine. INTERCUT WITH: INT.. slamming buttons... It's really annoying.... oops too slow. it's my job to worry.LIVING ROOM .
LULU (CONT'D) In your face! I am the greatest hand-tohand combat champion in the entire world! Shane screams and RIPS THE JOYSTICK OFF THE MACHINE. SHANE I AM TOO TRYING. while he pounds the buttons.CONTINUOUS JULIE (ON THE PHONE) I'm a mom. He and the Brownies sneak away.. come on -. LULU Too slow. swing and a miss. He is KO'd. but he can't hit her. she's just avoiding Shane's fighter.CONTINUOUS Zoe's on the phone. PLUMMER HOUSE . Shane's working the joy stick hard. Shane's really fuming. She does a very obnoxious VICTORY DANCE.. ZOE Mom -.. jumping.SHANE (re: the Snuggle) You don't have a baby on your chest. dancing. Shane looks around to see if the staff noticed. HOTEL ROOM .stop worrying. She keeps dancing. ZOE
. Lulu's having fun now.take a shot.... LULU You're not even trying.
. . Who are all these people? SCOTT Jus' ma peeps. everything's cool. She turns to Scott. Don't worry. we WIDEN OUT: The house is PACKED with TEENAGERS: they're keeping quiet until the phone is in its cradle.
Zoe rolls her eyes. PLUMMER HOUSE . The guy's just a control freak. ZOE Dude. where they stick with a satisfying SQUISH. MALL PARKING LOT . ZOE Dude. ZOE I know. I hate leaving you. Tonight I'm just doing homework -. we're okay. 51. counting them. then notices a WEIRD SWEATY KID. who's throwing mustard covered baloney slices at the ceiling. not cool.CONTINUOUS As Zoe hangs up.. who doesn't seem concerned at all. JULIE It's only a few more days. but you know I have to do this. VARIOUS SHOTS . Barking at them like Marines: SHANE
. EXT.Teenagers come and go through the kitchen's DOGGY DOOR.The Plummer House: . kids everywhere. this is outta hand.LIVING ROOM . I love you.Its a huge party: the place is JAMMED. then the TEENAGE DJ starts the music back Zoe looks around at the mess.
up. loads Brownies into the minivan.in my cell.CONTINUOUS Shane (Tyler in Snuggle). And the folks who read my BLOG. INT.Seriously.
move. He's holding the diaper.. to leave a man behind like that. still happily playing in the pool of plastic balls.Move. S
52.they almost always do. The Manager and the Brownies share a concerned look. again. Suddenly. and goes down for the diaper. gasping.LATER .DUSK Shane (Tyler in Snuggle) bursts in. We see what he forgot: PETER. The Manager is watching him.
Shane grimaces. Whoa. Not okay.for a long time. out away from him.. He disappears under the balls -. the Brownies are singing 99 Bottles. SHANE
. SHANE Inexcusable. he spins the minivan in a 180 and floors it.. MANAGER (CONT'D) WHOA. except that he's MISSING HIS DIAPER. Silence. MANAGER I figured you'd come back for him -. INT.. a look of horror comes across Shane's face.MOMENTS LATER Shane drives.not okay. CHEESE . He holds his breath. the Brownies follow. move! Go go! EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD . freestyling in the ball pool -.. He charges across the room with the diaper. LULU Should we send someone in after him? He surfaces. MANAGER Relax. He's still down there.. CHUCK E. we once found a kid in the ball pool when we opened in the morning -which Shane wades into the ball pool and pulls Peter out. is fine.
Shane takes Lulu. making out.CONTINUOUS Inside is worse.NIGHT Shane is exhausted.
INT.until a football suddenly WHIZZES by. peeing in the bushes. POP! hane gives a blood-curdling stare. Now. Outraged. chugging drinks. CLUB lock off the door. 53.. Party's over.. windows.Clear out! GO GO GO! And he bursts out the other doors. a total wreck. AH! The doggy door! Scott is halfway through the doggy door when Shane grabs his ankles and yanks him back in. SHANE Shane unlocks the
The jocks flinch. then he intuitively dashes past them! He's scoping the surroundings. PLUMMER HOUSE . Shane holds Scott upsidedown by his ankles. PLUMMER HOUSE .. EXT. I wanna be able to eat in the kitchen!! Nervous glances -. as he pulls up in the Minivan. He protectively guides them past the craziness -. trying to understand. gyrating TEENAGERS everywhere.KITCHEN . SHANE (CONT'D) Oh no you don't.. we're gonna do this
. scared.and groans in disbelief.'s turntables. SHANE No one leaves until this house is spotless! I want to be able to eat off the floor! The latrine! Hell. vents.J..then CRUSHES the ball.. at a full run. It's insanity: HIP HOP blasts. Zoe's dancing with
Shane drags the needle across a record at the D. He gets out -. Everyone recoils from the horrible sound. Peter and Tyler up the path.then everybody suddenly RUNS for the back! Shane is confused. Scott. Reeling.. Shane snatches it mid-air -. jocks throwing footballs. then RUN..
.then he notices something.SIMULTANEOUS Two DARK CLAD FIGURES watch.
INT.. PLUMMER HOUSE .and starts DISSOLVE
54. and walk out of sight. Just then: A MUSTARD SOAKED BALONEY SLICE drops from the ceiling. in Playtex gloves. residue.. TO: CLEANING THE HOUSE. Shane's eyes narrow.CONTINUOUS
. Scott gulps . He holds it up to a KID. He pulls out a CD: It is a home-burned disk. he takes it off. It reads: GHOST. labeled with a Sharpie. He hands Scott the mop. PLUMMER HOUSE/STUDY . CUT EXT. ladies. furiously clean. Clean. He lifts the sofa. They see Shane find the CD. Scott and Zoe. trying to maintain his dignity. and rubs his finger UNDER IT. Shane wipes a finger down the sofa. as kids clean. PLUMMER HOUSE/STUDY .my way -. In a bathroom. Miserable TEENS scrub. He fumes. Shane goes over them.NIGHT Shane inspects the house. SCOTT This is officially the worst party ever. sticking to the TOP of Shane's head. PLOP. through binoculars. A GIRL reorganizes a stack of CD'S. ZOE It was YOUR idea! I don't even know most of these losers. SHANE (CONT'D) Start swabbing. Scott scrubs the toilet with Pinesol as the Duck swims in the top of the toilet. The Kid quickly starts cleaning again. mopping.. Oh my god.. straightening -.. INT.no highway option.
Lulu and Todd step into the hall. CUT TO: EXT.. (Announces:) Company. shaky and furious. SHANE Those people aren't your friends.ALMOST DAWN A long line of exhausted party-goers files out. He heads upstairs. helpless. Why don't you just leave us alone? Silence.Shane quickly tucks the CD into his pocket.
.VARIOUS Shane works his way through the house. where she throws up. PLUMMER HOUSE .. My friends will never come here again. furniture polished. Thanks a lot. Shane stands. Zoe blows past him -. SHANE You got barf on your tank top. After a beat. ZOE I do too respect myself. It looks like Better Homes and Gardens.into the bathroom. and screams in Shane's face. she pukes again. outside the bathroom door. Scott's the last one to leave. Todd picks her up. Lulu's crying. sits down. Shane hands her a handkerchief. They show no respect for you or your house. It's SPOTLESS: counter tops glisten. You're like a robot. you hate us. Zoe gets up. PLUMMER HOUSE . ZOE (CONT'D) We hate you. Zpounding on doors... ZOE . Rambo. ueasy. ZOE You're not my dad! Shane stops. Because you have no respect for yourself. INT. downstairs! He walks down the hall.
hand it over! staffs.. close-quarters and fast. SHANE (CONT'D) (to the kids:)
Terrified. I'm gone.. Wielding with great skill. Not even from the enemy.. They leap down after him. Until Shane pulls down attic's spring-loaded FOLDING LADDER and clocks a Ninja with it. talking doesn't do any good. LULU Shane --! SHANE In all my years I have never been treated with such disrespect. them The Ninjas pull a retractable KENDO STAFFS. It takes all of Shane's skill to fend them off -. Shane spins in fight-stance.55. but Shane is SHOCKED from behind by the other NINJA. I'm not the man for this job. Suddenly. He goes down. SHANE Puberty.
SHANE You're right. Now what? SHANE (CONT'D)
ZOE (sighs.the power goes out. fiercely -. Zoe and Todd scoop up the kids and rush down the hall.the three fight.. tired) It's Scott.. NINJA GHOST -. Don't worry. The Ninjas attack.they're good. Their Kendo staffs hiss with a powerful ELECTRIC CURRENT. TWO NINJAS. pounding him with their
. Suddenly -. as soon as your mom comes back. all in black BURST in through the window. The Ninjas knock Shane backwards down the stairs. Red 1.. Go to your rooms.
INT. WHACK..the Legos and Jacks dig into their feet. toys fly. FARMER JOHN GAME The rooster goes.. Shane crashes down. several FURBIES hit the floor. They step back. facing them. He grabs a barrel of LEGOS.who wants some? Shane swings the bat down on a Ninja's head: It's a whiffle bat.
. fiercely.knocking him into. it makes a silly thunk.then the Ninjas charge. He jumps up onto shelf and grabs it. Shane and the Ninja share a surprised look -.
. PLAYROOM . blinding him. He spots a BASEBALL BAT. With his foot..CONTINUOUS There are TOYS EVERYWHERE -. and swings the plastic disk like a deadly bolo. They echo the fight: FURBIES Ow! Ow! no Shane sees: The Ninjas are wearing only Ninja socks -shoes.. The Ninjas move towards him -. and grabs it. It rattles and pops as he fights with both Toys -. then violently DESITIN at a NINJA. he hits a Ninja in the head. Shane runs to the changing table. he picks up a FISHER PRICE CORN-POPPER. and uses them both to fend off blows.. SHANE Okay -. and flings them all over the floor. He pulls the string. Shane fends the Ninjas off. Shane fends them off with his Whiffle bat..like a tornado hit a TOYSRUS. Shane sees a FARMER JOHN TALKING GAME.until a Ninja breaks them with one blow. He swings the Farmer John like a bull whip -.until a Ninja knocks the shelf over. avoiding Legos. NINJA/FURBIES Ow! Ow ow! Crap! The Ninjas fight as they hobble around.
fearful. Todd and Zoe enter.. Then. Shane isn't sure what to do. Suddenly he grabs a bottle of BABY POWDER. OUTSIDE: The Ninja's are long gone. that your father invented... He sprays it in Shane's face.
He squints. SHANE Shhh..
. even Zoe is crying and hugging Shane. Kids.. POOF! The room fills with a CLOUD OF WHITE. ZOE I'm sorry for giving you a hard time. he hugs Peter and Lulu.? SHANE They're looking for a program.SECONDS LATER Composing himself. blinded. He hugs them. quietly knocks. disappointed to have lost them. The cloud dissipates. HALLWAY . SHANE It's safe.. He really hugs them. LULU Please don't leave us Shane.. terrified... You can open up. TODD Who were they? What did they want. The kids run out and hug Shane with all their strength. INT. bawling.Shane hangs in the doorway and swings at them. SHANE I'm not going anywhere. Shane bangs the window sill. It's okay. KICKING a Ninja in the chest.then the door creaks open. He
A long pause -. and Shane sees he's now alone.SHANE 57. The Ninja CRASHES through the window! he other Ninja looks up. ANGLE .. He runs to the broken window. Shane approaches Zoe's door.
Shane is furious -.they all jump. PICTURE: Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze at a wheel. Deal? Truce -. CLOSE-UP . you listen to me. They want this.
The kids shudder. Zoe answers it. Then. Then. "Unchained Melody.. even Shane is laughing too: the telephone RINGS -. too. Shane slips the Ghost CD in the disc drive. Soon...okay? Zoe and Todd nod.ZOE So Mom's not paranoid? There really are people out to get us. pushes play -SHANE C'mon c'mon c'mon.MOMENTS LATER Shane and the Kids sit around Shane's computer. He looks Zoe. He dries her tears: SHANE (CONT'D) But I can't do this without your help. LIVING ROOM . okay? We need a little more cooperation here. They hug him tighter. and do what I say. 58. From now on.COMPUTER MONITOR The SOUND comes on: it's MUSIC. And I'm not going anywhere. absolutely nothing
. They shake -.a long pause." And then. SHANE They're not after you. as long as I'm here. eye to eye. all smiles. startled. it's been a long night.. (the Kids nod) Tell you what -let's start over. I'll listen to you too. Shane offers his hand to shake. Zoe laughs: she can't help it. she tries to play it cool and not frighten her mother: ZOE Hey mom we're fine. relieved. But nothing's gonna happen to you.then they hug him.. He takes out the CD labeled GHOST. (to Zoe and Todd:) And I.. the other kids join in. INT.
Nope.MORNING Early morning. JULIE (CONT'D) The good news is I'll be home in two days. and Shane emerges with the five kids. You have any luck? JULIE Well. Shane takes the phone.happened you should worry about. SHANE Mrs.
SHANE No . two men tried to get into the house tonight.. as soon as the customs paperwork clears. EXT. SCHOOL . It looks like some kind of "key".
. HOTEL ROOM . They're gone.. students run in to school. They were looking for GHOST.it's okay. Bill thinks it's part of the GHOST. Plummer.CONTINUOUS JULIE Oh my god! WE
59. everyone's fine.. But we're not sure what it is. I'm gonna be sticking even closer. We found something in the box. SHANE I gotta warn you guys: From now on.. SHANE (very genuine) . Don't worry -.we'll be just fine.. INTERCUT: INT. The minivan pulls up. She holds up the strange.So soon? We were just starting to have fun. but they didn't find it. We just don't know what its for. yes and no. metal two pronged KEY..
SHANE Don't worry. then BRAKES.DAY The TEACHER shows the children how to dye Easter eggs. then BRAKES. ANGLE on Lulu.MOMENTS LATER She Shane enters. Principal Claire next to him. Peter 60 She smiles. shaking his head. and Tyler are tight in their Snuggles. a crazed TEACHER next to her. MURNEY
. squashed at a little desk. who sits in the back. in unison: SECOND GRADERS Ooooooooh! (You're in trouble!) INT. Shane stands off to the side. sunglasses on. She hangs one of a HUGE HAND. An obstacle course with cones. Zoe nervously drives a small sedan. "yeah. Murney stands. car -. making a mess of an egg. Lulu's classmates all chant. SCHOOL PARKING LOT . THE GYM . They look concerned.. SCREAMING.INT. LULU'S CLASSROOM . He dips an
INT. ANGLE on Shane. egg in some purple dye. Zoe sits in a folding chair. reacting each time she HITS the gas. is holding a broken-off SIDE VIEW MIRROR. she wrecked a driver's Ed. VOICE (OVER THE PA:) Will Shane Wolfe please report to Vice Principal Murney in the gym.DAY Driver's Ed.she'll pay for the damage. and smiles at Shane. So.. LULU'S CLASSROOM . EXT." Then. HITS the gas. Shane nods... I know it's good. mortified.LATER drawings The TEACHER hangs a series of cute "Turkey Hand" above the blackboard (the kind where your fingers make the feathers). He is gesticulating. .
. He does always miss sixth period. and I found this: Murney hands Shane a book and Shane flips through it. Shane scowls. it's not that -.. Zoe shrugs.. I was doing a little recon in his locker.but this is just sick. and I'm not sure what to do.) See if you can talk to the boy.
61. Todd enters. SHANE He's not a NAZI. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE It's certainly not normal.yes. MURNEY (CONT'D) If he'd had Hustler or something. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Ordinarily I would wait for his mother to return.it's the boy.
MURNEY This is how he showed up to practice. SHANE Red two? I mean Todd? Claire nods.I'm a bit concerned. And that's not all.. But this. what do you expect.. he now has a bleach blonde BUZZ CUT. giving him a "skinhead" look.
Shane shakes his head: Todd is worse than he thought.. Shane gives Zoe a look. boys will be boys -. in shock: Todd's long hair is all shaved off. what's going on. It's a book of photographs of NAZI UNIFORMS... but -. and Shane walks them out. No.
..That? Lady drivers.. Murney calls into the hallway. (pulls Shane aside. Shane stops. SHANE Has he been skipping class? PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Well -. Todd and Zoe stand to go.
. huh? (Shane ignores him. MURNEY Come on Frogman! Don't be a sissy!
. MURNEY hope you won't go light on him -. and leaps at Shane.who flinches like Murney has maybe hurt him a couple times.
Shane walks away.) Maybe sometime we oughta strap up. Shane. MURNEY It's a date then. Bet you're a hell of a fighter on the mats. stretching. Without warning. Shane trips forwards to his knees. and leaves. we'll give these boys a treat. I'll show you a couple moves.The WRESTLING TEAM is assembled. if you ask me. They snicker and shake their heads at Todd. Shane walks the kids out. as he passes. maybe. He "fake-punches" one of his Boys -.that whole family's no good. kicking him in the BACK.
62. Murney tells his MURNEY (CONT'D) See that? You never know when your adversary is going to strike! SHANE Did you kick me in the back? Is there a footprint on my jacket? Shane dusts off his back. SHANE Another time. SHANE I'll talk to him. and keeps walking. Murney laughs. I promise I won't hurt you. Murney lets out a Fu SCREAM. MURNEY You're a good man.. and Murney chases after him.
signal me. Shane picks a GIRL'S BICYCLE up off the front lawn. It's small for him. peering out her window. running around the corner. preheat the oven. but instead he takes a deep breath. and make sure Lulu brushes her teeth!
63. Keep all doors sealed. Shane parks..A LITTLE LATER The minivan pulls up. Shane screws the window shut. PLUMMER HOUSE . you're in charge. he can see Todd.far down the block. SHANE (CONT'D) You want in or out? The Duck leaps out.
holds Todd back by the arm.CONTINUOUS Shane knocks on Todd's door. He sees Zoe. SHANE Smart kid. SHANE (CONT'D) Zoe.shakes
Shane turns back. Shane sees Todd climbing on to a CITY BUS. Nothing.
He starts to shut the window.. On the corner. The window is wide open. SHANE Wait Todd. with a flowered basket. and leaves. keeping the contact. Todd runs towards the house. TODD'S ROOM . and snickers to his Team. so the alarm didn't go off. He enters. INT. EXT. Shane looks out the window -. It's pink. Shane checks his window alarm -there's a REFRIGERATOR MAGNET stuck to it. with Shane and all the Plummers piled in. Shane hops out the window. do your homework. but he
. If anyone gets within forty clicks of the perimeter. Murney his head. but the Duck leaps up on the sill. I want to talk to you. odd yanks his arm away and runs into the house. It looks like Shane might fight.
hops on and pedals furiously after the bus. EXT. CITY STREET NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER Shane, on the girl-bike, pedals after the bus. A few HOMEBOYS watch him pass, curiously. He nods back, tough. EXT. OLD WAREHOUSE - DOWNTOWN D.C. - NIGHT - LATER The bus stops in a rundown neighborhood Todd hops off the bus. Shane's arrives a moment later, dripping sweat. He stashes the bike behind a mailbox... Shane'S P.O.V.: At the entrance to the old warehouse, Todd meets up with three other TEENAGE BOYS, they're dressed in brown HITLER YOUTH UNIFORMS, they head Shane follows them, stealthily. INT. OLD WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shane follows the Hitler Youth into a large room, set up with folding chairs. He hides in a dark corner. Todd and the Hitler Youth enter, and take seats. A CREEPY MAN in a scarf walks out, and stands in front of them. Shane watches as the MAN addresses the Hitler Youth. MAN Alright. All my Nazis are finally here. Okay, I want all of you at attention. The Nazis stand at attention. Shane is horrified... MAN (CONT'D) And on stage left - (he yells) VON TRAPPS! I need my Von Trapps! hane watches... as a group of blonde ACTORS, all dressed in lederhosen as the SINGING VON TRAPP family enter, and join the "Nazis." There's also a few NUNS, a CAPTAIN VON TRAPP, and a MARIA. The Creepy Man is, in fact, a good natured, slightly foppish DIRECTOR. 64 .
DIRECTOR Okeydokey. Starting from where we left off Gimme Rolf and Liesl -- let's give You are Sixteen a run up der flagpole...
Todd heads up to the stage, the Director arranges him and well: the ACTRESS PLAYING LIESL (40ish) into position. An ACCOMPANIST begins on piano, Todd sings, remarkably TODD You wait little girl, on an empty stage/for fate to turn the light on/your life little girl, is an empty page/that men will want to write on... ACTRESS/LIESL To write on... TODD You are sixteen, going on seventeen... Shane bursts into laughter. His whole face lights up for the first time ever... Todd and Liesl dance. Todd is good, but nervous. He attempts a spinning kick, but he slips, and hits the stage, clutching his ankle. He gets up, and limps to the seats. The Director walks onto the stage, upset. He looks up, to heaven: DIRECTOR Baby Jesus, have I done some unspeakable evil that I deserve to be saddled with the world's worst production of Sound of Music? (he shouts, at the cast:) We open in a week. The set's not finished... The cast is a bunch of clumsy goats -- every kick ball change would make Bob Fosse dig himself out of the earth, so he could have a heart attack again. TODD I'm sorry... I'll get it right. DIRECTOR None of you will ever get it right! Which is why, I quit. He throws down his script. The Cast is stunned. DIRECTOR (CONT'D) And with that, he exits stage right... end scene.
And, on his own cue... he exits stage right, in a huff. The entire cast looks to Todd, fuming. Shane jumps up from his hiding place, startling everybody. Everyone steps back. Todd is terrified. Shane kneels down beside Todd. He closes his eyes, and begins rubbing his hands together like Mr. Miyagi. LIESL You gonna fix him? SHANE No. My hands are freezing. Shane grabs Todd's ankle hard and unceremoniously CRACKS it, and yanks him to his feet. TODD I'm not going to quit. I hate wresting... SHANE AT EASE. (Todd shuts up) Would you listen, just once? Look, I don't know a hell of a lot about this kinda stuff, but... You're good. A lot to learn, but with hard work, discipline -- you could make a go of this. TODD ... but what about Murney? SHANE That guy's an idiot. stage. Todd smiles, relieved. They sit on the edge of the SHANE (CONT'D) "Sound of Music" is a great show. My dad took me to see it when I was a kid. Shane smiles wistfully. Todd relaxes. TODD You don't seem like the musical type. SHANE Come on. Julie Andrews was hot. TODD
. OR DO YOU NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO PERFORM THIS MUSICAL? There's some mumbling. grabbing Todd by the shirt collar. Shane looks at the Cast. girls'll think I'm. SHANE No director? I have directed rescue missions in Afghanistan! I've directed numerous snatch and grabs in countries who's names you are not allowed to know.. LIESL We don't have a director...only a moment after Shane saw him happier than ever. Shane shakes his head... they quickly assemble on stage. Liesl chimes in. SHANE (CONT'D) DO YOU. Men in leotards pinning each other to the floor? I've never understood that. I have choreographed multi-pronged amphibious landings and stealth air attacks! (full of bravado) Do you think I have the stomach to whip this production into shape. TODD Doesn't matter now anyway.. Todd looks up at Shane. Shane straightens up.CENTER STAGE! off Everyone looks around. Chicks dig guys who can dance. show's off.. TODD
. He smiles.. Shane's glare. they're not sure what to do.. SHANE COMPANY -. Todd looks devastated -. or not? Everyone nods.What if. they look pretty glum as they pack up their costumes. it's over.. BEAT.
SHANE You know what girls think is weird? Wrestling... weird or something? 66 ..
TODD/CAST YESSIR. SHANE . I won't touch him. SHANE I don't see what you see in this guy. PLUMMER HOUSE . another girl picked up the phone..just as Zoe THROWS her cell-phone into the wall. No wait! . furious.. YES WHAT? SHANE
. ZOE . you know? S SHANE (He nods) It won't happen again.UPSTAIRS HALLWAY .. INT. I know it's no big deal..LATER Shane's patrolling the hallway.. I called him in his room. INT.What are you gonna do? You're not gonna hurt him are you? Promise you won't touch him.LATER
. He peeks in -. SHANE Okay.Yes. BREAKING something.. ZOE It's just nice to think someone's thinking about you. Scott. angrily.. I don't know why I let it get to me. LULU'S ROOM .. It's stupid. He hears Zoe in her room. Shane exits.. What's up? ZOE (embarrassed) Nothing.. He turns out the light. I promise.
.Uh.. By the Elf Unit commander at Elf station bravo.. To find a secret gnome. Let's see.. Went into the magic forest. Once there was a family of Elves.. Then he starts: SHANE Okay.. setting up the scene with DOLLS. Shane looks at her surprised.. ULU Why? SHANE They were ordered to. He sits on the bed. The elves had to go in and take it out.Shane tucks Lulu into bed. he illustrates.. So -they waited for cloud cover. SHANE(CONT'D) One day. Uranium. the little Elf family -. on Lulu's floor. ULU Tell me a story. I
.. As Shane finishes the story. where gnomes where turning mushrooms into. (MORE) T
8.so three elves formed a base leg and laid down a heavy suppressive fire on the gnomes while the others maneuvered around to the right flank and walked through finishing off anything left alive.. SHANE (CONT'D) The Elf Team decided on an L Ambush -. and they came in from the north. facility. Stumped.
TODD I'll write it down for you. c'mon. I can't remember that thing. Todd pops his
ODD You have to do the Panda Dance... The wails get louder and LOUDER. Lulu's fallen asleep. Even.... the teeniest little elf of all -.
INT. He made it up for him. TODD You have to do the dance. Shane doesn't know what's wrong. head in the door..CONTINUOUS Tyler's asleep..
. Don't make a move `til you're in the groove. SHANE Oh.. TO: AN HOUR LATER:
Shane's really into the story. Then.. from across the hall.. reading from Todd's notes: SHANE When you're down and low.. And not one Elf got left behind that day. or he won't stop.. Peter WAILS. and whispers to Peter. Todd calls from the doorway.. We got `em all.. S
69.mean standing.Rodriquez. Like dad used to do. Shane sighs. NURSERY . And you ain't got a chance... lower than the floor. and do the Panda Dance. Shane's eyes are brimming with tears as he finishes: SHANE (CONT'D) . Peter starts bawling.
She gets out in shock. through the mirror.. Chun gets his paper.THE NEXT DAY As Mr. Shane crab-walks sideways.
. Lulu is next to him. SHANE What are you looking at? INT. Peter applauds. (Tyler in the snuggle). Zoe realizes he's staring at her. S SHANE Just hop three times like a kangaroo -Sidestep twice.Shane sighs. just like the crabs do. Chun. (He does.) EXT. T
70. PLUMMER HOUSE . Shane turns and catches Mr. with her Gameboy. Shane hops forward three times. mortified.. terrified. listening to Sound of Music on his Walkman. staring. and gets in the driver's seat. They turn to Zoe.MOMENTS LATER Todd sits in the back of the Minivan. The other Kid's seat belts CLICK loudly.MORNING .. He sings again. SHANE (CONT'D) Take three steps forward and one step back. hands out bag lunches as the Kids load into minivan.. GARAGE . He does the dance as he sings. SHANE Today you drive.
The Kids sit bolt upright. Zoe and Peter are half asleep. Humiliated. Shane climbs into the PASSENGER SEAT. Shane.
The most important thing is that you keep an absolute focus on. Zoe is surprised.. Lulu and Todd are terrified. ZOE (CONT'D) You wanna drive? SHANE No. SHANE (CONT'D) THE ROAD! Don't look at me. INT. TODD Especially when Zoe's driving. Shane is shaky.CONTINUOUS Zoe is super-tense as they drive. Zoe backs jerkily out. Zoe's looking RIGHT at him. Keep going. no.. She pulls out.. S
.. SHANE Do you know what causes most accidents? ttention span. I trust you. Shane is nervous. SHANE
ZOE Have you given a driving lesson before? N SHANE
ot in a car.. ZOE What?!? he Minivan brakes abruptly at a red light. just as a semi SCREAMS through the intersection. but it's a lot like a Bradley Assault Vehicle. jerkily.I can't even pass driver's Ed. Touched.. but trying not to show it. not the road. MINIVAN . The Kids share a dubious look.ZOE But -. Exactly.
and a little make-up. Chastened. Do we understand each other? Scott nods. Shane spots something. terrified.Claire BARKS out. Scott's terrified. the kids gulp and orderly march away.LUNCHTIME Shane (Peter in lap. SHANE Good. And the other Kids all bolt from the car. She's wearing a cute dress. severe stare) Now. Shane's
. almost tapping a bus's rear fender.. 1500 hours. CAFETERIA . Next lesson.
ANOTHER ANGLE reveals: SCOTT (Zoe's boyfriend). ZOE Ha ha ha. Suddenly -.71. INT. BETHESDA K-12 SCHOOL .LATER Zoe pulls to the curb. Tyler in snuggle) keeps an eye on the Kids at their tables. Shane jumps out of the car. Shane's LIFTED him in the air by his backpack. WALK! DOUBLE TIME. Very funny.. KIDS boisterously run past. Shane lets him down and heads into school. Shane unclenches his teeth. being obnoxious. BETHESDA K-12 SCHOOL.. Lulu makes a big show of kissing the ground.
EXT. Before Scott knows what's happened.. STOP RUNNING!! The kids instantly freeze. laughing. Claire strides into view. hey head into the school. Broken promises lead to broken legs. with a few FRIENDS. SHANE I know 437 ways to hurt a man without touching him. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE (CONT'D) (a long. Zoe smiles. trembling. RINCIPAL CLAIRE CHILDREN.
Love it when he does that. SHANE
hey eat in silence." In one move.eyes alight. SHANE (CONT'D) You look nice today. S he sits beside him. Shane leaps over the table. impressed.. SHANE I'm glad I never had you for a CO. you never know who you're going to run into. too. him by the ear. S T
. Noon and none of them have been called to my office. sailor? Thanks.... Principal Claire sighs "not again. He smiles back. It's a miracle. Wow. She smiles..
PRINCIPAL CLAIRE (she coyly smiles) I've noticed improvement in your troops lately. there's a commotion: Murney is marching Todd towards them. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE This old thing? Well.. Shane`s not so good at small talk. Suddenly.
. something. Principal Claire watches him leap: PRINCIPAL CLAIRE (CONT'D) . RINCIPAL CLAIRE (CONT'D) Buy you a drink. and offers him a milk. She's waiting for him to say.
Murney shoves Todd forward. MURNEY I've had it. M
73. Somebody needs to give this punk a talking to. Principal Claire takes one: she laughs. What're you so scared of. boy. MURNEY (CONT'D) I want this freak outta my school and into treatment. Silence.. It opens Friday.
MURNEY You got something to say? Boy? TODD Yeah.. Todd looks. Todd pulls out a stack of SOUND OF MUSIC FLYERS and hands them out. MURNEY Winners never quit.
veryone is shocked that Todd talked back. I just caught this boy dancing under the bleachers like some kind of Bavarian fruitcake.. intimidated. I quit. I'm right here. Murney turns around. Yeah I do.. TODD Hey. now it all makes sense. Talk. TODD (CONT'D) I'm in Sound of Music. No one's sure they heard him right. A hushed "oooh" goes through the Students. Murney gets up in Shane's face.
. Todd is on the poster in his Rolf costume. Then: TODD I am not scared. I. Freak? The Students snicker. I want to sing. A hushed whisper goes through the cafeteria. Murney...
MURNEY (CONT'D) Stay out of this. Everyone is watching. They look to the ground sheepishly.you're a tough guy now? between Murney takes ONE STEP towards Todd -. (Murney turns:) Let's get one thing clear. There is a stunned moment -.MURNEY A musical? You're blowing off wrestling for a musical? (to Shane:) This is what happens when there's no man in the house. Murney looks around. TODD There is a man in my house -. and a lot of CUTE GIRLS.face to face. You suck. The Gym.Shane steps them.then he regains his calm: MURNEY After school. I'm the only one with the guts to do it.it reads:
. passing notes: A Kid opens a note -. Your ass is mine. baby sitter! Murney glares at him -. You win. Let's do it. So calm. The whole team wants to quit. swarm Todd. Shane gives Todd a proud thumbs up. I'm quitting because you're a bad coach. I'm not quitting cause I hate wresting.me. taking flyers.and then a mob of Students. He storms out. furious -URNEY So -. humiliated. M urney looks over at the Team. it's scary S
74. His voice cracks -. Todd's telling the truth. protecting him. Murney did not expect to be called out. A QUICK SERIES OF SHOTS: Of STUDENTS whispering to other STUDENTS.
SHANE You said you wanted to wrestle.
sending him right into the wall. his The Wrestlers mouths drop. Shane side-steps. Murney."Murney's getting his ass kicked." INT.
Is he okay?
TODD (CONT'D) SHANE
. shocked. climbs to feet and CHARGES again. M URNEY on. Shane DIVES OVER Murney. rushes Shane. Shane throws an arm around Todd. The bleachers are PACKED. The Wrestlers scream for Murney. WHAM. Murney struts out onto the The two fighters begin circling one another. 3:00. and sweeps Murney -. Murney's shoulders hit the mat with Shane smiling down on him. GYM .3:00 mat. grabs onto Murney's waist. Todd flops to the mat. Murney bounds to his feet. S
75. you're about to enter Murney's house of pain. mumbling something. quietly twitching on the ground. Shane's momentum pulls Murney backwards -.BAM. Todd cheers Shane on. Murney lands on his back. Murney roars and CHARGES Shane. The Wrestling Team huddles around Murney. raises his hand and SLAPS it downPinned! TODD
Shane stands. SHANE I'll be sure to lock up when I'm through. and they head out. hard. Shane defensively uses Murney's momentum to flip him halfway across the mat.
SHANE (CONT'D) You have to eat. No brownies edible. too. He wears CUT
SHANE If you're ever lost in the woods. right? Well let me tell you you're not gonna find Girl Scout cookies out here.DAY Shane marches the Brownies through a FOREST. The crowd cheers. He'll be fine in (checking his watch) two months.Dislocated nerve. SHANE (CONT'D) Insects. that's all. She gives him a thumbs up. So HALO'd into underground Shane kicks over a ROCK. I got my troops waiting. 76 SHANE either. When I Rwanda. TODD That was awesome. I lived off the fern stem for three weeks! Underneath are crawling
. FOREST . LULU We're Brownies. If you're not sure. Todd. boil it for thirty minutes! The girls are loving it. TO: EXT. fascinated. the first thing you have to do is find a source of drinking water! And make sure it's potable. BUGS. They walk out. Claire. SHANE (to Todd) Let's go. . A lot of roots are is some tree bark. Shane S smiles at her as he passes. Peter and Tyler in front and rear Snuggles. They look nasty but they're full of nutrients that may save your life.
The Kids don't get it.. Shane holds a stopwatch.. where Shane has set up a scale model of the set on the floor. Zoe
.. the Girls PUNCH. PUNCH.DAY The CAST is assembled on stage. He laughs at his own joke. He signals her. Shane's got Tyler's cradle next to him. EXT. Now the Nazis are gonna come in. here. PUNCH. here at the top of the stairs." INT. She skids to a stop just short of the "Severe Tire Damage" spikes..fascinated. SHANE (mouth full of bugs:) Wots of pwotien! E UPBEAT MUSIC kicks in over the following MONTAGE: EXT. In unison. It's open to a page that reads "Knot Tying. she burns rubber.she hits EVERY ONE -.EARLY MORNING The lot is empty. INT. NURSERY . he reaches out and rocks it.He scoops up some bugs and EATS them.we'll put Von Trapps here. and.DAY Shane changes Tyler's diaper WITH ONE HAND. MALL PARKING LOT . in perfect tempo. The Duck watches all this -. by moving around toy army men: S SHANE Okay -. He illustrates the stage directions. PLUMMER HOUSE . KICK. Shane and Zoe sit in the minivan. and races through a slalom of orange cones -. BROWNIE He's eating Roly-Polies! The Brownies are frozen in shock. EXT.FRONT LAWN . In his other hand he's reading The Brownie Handbook. in between punches. OLD FACTORY .DAY peels Zoe leaps into the minivan through the windows. this way -and the Von Trapp is set..the wheel hubs are CLOGGED with cones..DAWN Shane leads the Brownie Troop through Combat exercises. KICK. MALL PARKING LOT .
EXT.. as and then her BROWNIE uniform. T
77. MALL PARKING LOT . OLD FACTORY . Shane gives her a signal. He counts begins wriggling free. Shane's showing her the IGNITION WIRES. but doesn't fall. mercilessly. ties a complicated knot to see she's tying Shane's hands behind his the Brownie troop watches. EXT. EXT.2..NIGHT Todd and "Liesl" work on the You Are Sixteen dance. They watch closely..3.. she only clips one. in we WIDEN back. PLUMMER HOUSE . she throws it in reverse and drives the course backwards.out and weaves the cones.. it teeters.BACK YARD . your life little girl. He's attached SOFA CUSHIONS to himself. INT.DAY Shane changes Tyler's diaper RAPID-SPEED.. ODD .DAY -"1. INT.DAY Shane and Zoe are huddled under the minivan's dashboard. The Brownies attack.FRONT LAWN . is an empty page/that men will want to write on. Hands a
..DAY Shane has the Brownies assembled.." Lulu. NURSERY . PLUMMER HOUSE . blur.
SHANE Don't touch that dial sleep for a while -HEAAAY! And say good night. landing Shane blows a WHISTLE. From the top -think of yourself as a gazelle prancing over the plains. He does a spin kick. SHANE Why don't we just let the Nazis win tonight -. daddy. Todd tries the kick. But sweet dreams. but blows it.he's got it down.
SHANE (CONT'D) Prancing. SHANE I'm not your daddy. U Shane BLOWS the whistle. Shane is so touched.EVENING
. Graceful." Singing and doing all the moves -. he almost bursts into tears. Again. Shane performs the "Panda Dance. NURSERY .
8. PETER (going to sleep) Good night. "PRICE CLUB" STORE . Graceful. Peter.NIGHT At the end of Peter's crib. Peter Panda. adding a James Brown flourish.huh? Now.
odd tries the spinning kick. MONTAGE ENDS EXT. Peter. He kisses Peter on the forehead.hard. SHANE (CONT'D) Good night. now and then. Then he tucks Peter in. INT.
He smiles. She shoves a cookie in his mouth. As he's comparing prices -.. at their own table.they LAUGH. The Scout struggles.in a FLIP. she wraps it around his arm. LULU Go away and we won't hurt you. UGLY CUB SCOUT Let go! Let go -. see them. Lulu at the front: it's (kind of)
LULU Uh oh. striking a cool pose.
. U GLY CUB SCOUT Hey Skeever.CONTINUOUS Shane shops. on the security monitor: Brownies attacking the Cub Scouts. S SHANE That's my troop. the Brownies have moved into a ready to strike. wearing the double snuggle. INT.. You're gonna have to pay for that. the Other Scouts are scared. what's in a Girl Scout's pants when she has diarrhea? Brown. The Scouts share a look -.he sees. The Scouts head towards the Brownies. she spins out of the way and pulls off his neckerchief. The head Scout steps forward and grabs Lulu's cookies. the Chubby Cub Scouts.The Brownies sit at their cookie table beside the door. he lands on the ground hard. Lulu lets out another "kia!" The Girls move forward in unison. 7 2ND SCOUT
He stops short. scary.MOMMY! She lets him go -. proud. but like lightning. GLY CUB SCOUT Gimme that! He grabs the neckerchief. tying him. "PRICE CLUB" STORE . 9. In one move. Across the lot. FORMATION.
EXT. "PRICE CLUB" STORE - A MOMENT LATER The Cub Scouts have all been tied with their own bandanas to the CART CORRAL. Shane comes out of the store, and catches Lulu, using his "catchphrase." LULU From now on, you do things our way -- no highway option! The Scouts nod, terrified. Shane gives her a stern look, then LAUGHS. INT. VAN - DRIVING - DUSK Shane drives. The Brownies joyously CHANT a MARCH. BROWNIES I don't care what has been said, Brownies rock! Full speed ahead! Give me guff, I'm in your face! Brownies rule the human race! SHANE Sound off! BROWNIES One two! Three four! One TWO THREE FOUR! INT. PLUMMER HOUSE - UPSTAIRS - LATER Shane works his way down the hall, checking on the kids: N
- LULU'S ROOM: LULU is asleep. - TODD'S ROOM: The door is OPEN -- Shane peers in. Todd has a SWITCHBLADE. He is practicing with it, clicking it open, tossing it hand to hand. Off Shane's look: TODD West Side Story auditions in two weeks... Shane takes the switch blade, and performs an AMAZING trick with it, spinning Sit like a pro.
SHANE It's all in the wrist... He heads down to Zoe's room and peaks in -- SHE'S NOT IN BED. He rushes in -- but she's out on... EXT. BALCONY - NIGHT Zoe sits on the railing, she seems sad. Shane approaches. Don't worry. ZOE I'm not gonna jump.
SHANE What's wrong... Scott? ZOE o. Scott's fine. I don't know what you did, but he's really straightened up. Flowers, phone calls. ...I've never been in love like this before. Shane nods. SHANE How long you been together? ZOE A month... SHANE That's longer than any relationship I've ever had. ZOE You're okay, Shane. I'm not used to anyone giving me the benefit of the doubt. My teachers don't trust me. Mom doesn't. My dad didn't care about us, he was never here... Z
SHANE (interrupts her, stern:) Hey. Your father cared about you very deeply. He told me you were the greatest things in his life. That what's bothering you? Cause -- we can talk about it, if you want. Zoe's eye well up, then she cries. Shane holds her. ZOE I miss him so much... Shane is a little taken by surprise. Then -- he decides to answer. He takes his Sfather's MEDAL out of his pocket. SHANE This was my dad's. He was the only family I ever had. Mom left when I was little, cause dad was always gone. Two years in... an indisclosable locale. Another six in... Another indisclosable locale. I didn't really have a home, so I went to military school -- then one day my mom got the letter. No more dad. He looks at the Medal. SHANE (CONT'D) I always wanted to be just like him. I'm starting to realize, I never really knew him. I don't know if I'm like him or not. ZOE That's horrible, Shane. SHANE The hardest part was living without any details...why? How? Where? I always wondered if he thought about me. Me too. OE So how did you get through it?
SHANE You could say I just shut down my emotions. I turned off all feelings and dedicated myself to becoming the perfect
EXT. The phone rings. ANGLE .SHANE He's left alone. INT. JULIE The red tape is cleared up. J
82. the kids are all abuzz.CONTINUOUS ulie's on the other end.
A tear runs down Zoe's face. we're on the first plane in the morning.MOMENTS LATER Zoe runs down the hall. HALLWAY . sleepy! TODD When? ZOE Tomorrow morning! PETER Mama! Excited. happy. She throws her arms around Shane. telling the family: ZOE Mommy's coming home! Mommy's coming home! Everyone wakes up.LATE NIGHT INTERCUT
. OE I never even got to say good bye. Shane answers it. talking excitedly.soldier. BACK YARD . HOTEL . WITH: J INT.
I guess I better fix that Playroom window.. Gary sits in the next chair. Kids to play
. Gary's foot is caught in a grate. Shane sighs morosely. SHANE (CONT'D) All quiet on the western front. the Duck starts quacking. Shane sits in a lawn chair. Suddenly. INT. scoping the area with NIGHT VISION GOGGLES ON. How come you don't fly away? (pause) (MORE) T
83. SHANE (CONT'D) Hey Gary. Gary follows Shane as he looks for tool. No reason for personal attachments. your wings aren't clipped. hane rises. Three squares a day.The house is dark. Shane turns. He pets the Duck. with. GARAGE . unblinking. SHANE(CONT'D) I guess you've got it good. Shane takes a sip out of a juice box. SHANE Just another assignment.NIGHT hane turns the light on.. he Duck stares.
DISSOLVE INT. unsuccessfully. He's been trying. Shane grips the valve and tries turning it... TWO-PRONGED KEYHOLE. and then it gives. The Kids are watching his progress. Gary? Shane gets down on his hands and knees and gently pries Gary's foot from the grate.. crack the lock all night. Shane pulls out a pen flashlight.. we see a CRANK WHEEL. Nothing. shines it down the grate. INTERC UT: B
harder.CONTINUOUS There's a small room. The break in its surface is a strange. Shane looks on stunned. He has high-tech tools laid out in front of him. He tries muscles rippling.. and a hall leading to a STEEL DOOR.
. BOTTOM OF STAIRS . Shane is about to stand when something below catches his eye. he floor opens. The wheel spins..MORNING Shane's at the Steel Door. INT. Shane dials a phone.SHANE What happened. only It's solid and inscrutable. Lulu hands him a tool.
84. Shane steps down it. SHANE (CONT'D) What do you suppose this is? Shane tugs at the grate until it pops off. No hinges or cracks. revealing a CIRCULAR STAIRCASE. GARAGE . leading below the garage...
Silently spying on Shane.EXT. I think I found GHOST. BILL .. Okay. An ominous pause.don't do anything `til I get there. Julie sits beside him. relieved. W e PUSH INTO the house.. Away from Shane. and hangs up. TO: INT. GARAGE . towards the neighbor's house. he answers it. TO: INT.. GARAGE . can't crack it.MOVING We pan up from the WHITE "US GOV" license plates to Bill at the wheel. I've been trying all night. She looks stricken. GHOST. ILL (remaining calm) Good! Good work. whoever's been bothering you guys won't be bothering you anymore. SEDAN .. MRS.. don't do anything further. Through a window. CHUN CUT BACK
.CONTINUOUS SHANE One things for sure. revealing the Korean neighbors standing in the dark. SHANE Sir! Excellent news. Everyone reacts happily. After we turn this in to my CO. excited. It's in a steel vault.. sir. We'll be there shortly -. Then we slowly MOVE UP. Bill reacts. Except for -.CONTINUOUS Shane smiles.Lulu. pleased. Do you have it? SHANE No. Bill's cell phone rings.
MOMENTS LATER Julie opens the door.. She trails off. comes into the dark hall.they hear.. BILL What's wrong? They listen -.SHANE (CONT'D) What's wrong.
SHANE You guys better get ready.DAY Bill's Sedan pulls up. he has no answer.does that mean you'll have to go? CLOSE-UP . a capella version of The Hills are Alive (with The Sound of Music).V.. Bill is carrying her suitcases.. I
85. in shock. Lulu? You should be happy. in the next room. filled with healthy TROPICAL FISH. Tongue-tied.SHANE He goes silent. KIDS VOICES
. J JULIE'S P. so they probably trashed the place. JULIE'S HOUSE . Your mom CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE . JULIE I had a fight with Zoe when I left. She turns on the lights -what she sees makes her drop her luggage. Shane -. Julie and Bill hop out. should be home soon. Kids singing a beautiful.: The house is spotless.
LULU But. The rug is vacuumed. The fish tank is clear.O.
smiling.CONTINUOUS Shane and the Kids are holding up a home-made sign: WELCOME HOME. featuring Todd. Shane stiffens and salutes proudly. Tyler is asleep: a perfect family. Todd a button down and khakis: barely recognizable.. Shane sees Bill enter. no dishes in the sink. Julie goes to the. INT..
JULIE almost faints.CONTINUOUS The kitchen is sparkling clean. attached to the fridge with magnets: A flyer for Sound of Music. Dumb-struck. then salutes back) Good job. Lulu has bows in her hair. Peter is fresh faced.. mom.. KITCHEN . a capella) . Julie starts bawling.. Zoe is in a conservative dress. Lieutenant. with songs they have sung. S SHANE Captain. ZOE Welcome home. Bill steadies her. (
6. MOM! Todd pushes STOP on a CD player: The Sound of Music stops. She sees.
. Across the room. for a thousand years.(singing. INT. BILL (he smiles wryly. She staggers to.... DINING ROOM . The Kids rush forward and hug her.
Suddenly. surprised. MAN'S VOICE PUT YOUR HANDS UP!! WIDE
. an ANGRY VOICE. pause) But I'll have to think about it. Shane continues.DAY Shane leads Bill inside.. I'm giving you your choice of assignment.
BILL I should hope not. At nine years old my father put me in cadet school and from there I never looked back... all I've never known is the military. I wouldn't trade it for anything and I have no regrets. And I think I want to explore that some more. Bill holds the pronged key. You just name it. Sir. SHANE That's kind of you. ILL I'm really proud of you. SHANE But being with these kids has made me feel like there's more to life than taking out your enemy. GARAGE ..INT. Don't get me wrong. Bill stops. S
87. reluctant. Shane. a bit
SHANE (CONT'D) Sir. anywhere you want.
88.. hane takes control! He smiles. Shane puts his hands behind his head. SHANE NOW! Shane SPINS and grabs both guns! He WHACKS the Koreans' forearms. Shane peers in confusion. He takes a submissive position. Chun. startled.. CHUN Give US THE KEY! SHANE Mr... Disoriented. while SLAMMING their heads together. he looks up as he drops. There were delays. GUNS DRAWN.
KOREAN MAN (arguing with Bill) You promised us GHOST months ago! BILL I'm sorry. Chun comes closer. He turns... MRS.Shane and Bill spin. Mrs. startled.. confused.
.. CLOSE-UP .. then passes out. relishing a second of glory -.SHANE Lights out. and Mrs.. SHANE'S POV woozy. Shane shoots Bill a glance. Chun? H
The CHUNS strides up. He is losing consciousness.
They checked out-
KOREAN MAN ands up!
Compliant. reaching for Bill's key. Things are spinning. CRACK! A third gun BUTTS him in the head.when suddenly.. and starts to fall..
FADE IN: INT. ILL North Korea pays better. reaching. At the far end is a LARGE ELEVATED SAFE. then slides OPEN! enter. SECRET VAULT Light is at the end. Bill and Mrs.MOMENTS LATER
Julie and the Kids are on the floor. Chun Bill GAGS Julie.. They whimper. with two
. GARAGE . Chun) Keep an eye on them. Julie glares. (to Mr. 9. tied up. NURSERY .with me. Chun approach the steel door.. You -. Beside the safe is a red switch.. Charles trusted you. Peter and Tyler are caged in the play pen. The floor is covered with square tiles.. INT. exit. The door HUMS. The Kids are furious. scared. livid. They
THE VAULT! Spare. He GAGS the kids. L ULU SHANE!! BILL He won't be baby-sitting you anymore.DAY Shane lies unconscious.BLACK. 8 Bill grins. bright and white. They anxiously tiptoe. closing the window shades. Bill inserts the two-pronged key. Chun) secures the room. INT. So did the Department of Defense. and it CLICKS. The Korean Man (Mr.
JULIE I trusted you. Bill checks the knots binding the children.. Inside is a dark corridor. Peter has a JUICE BOX.. Bill and Mrs.
CHUN But I've got some C4. eyeballing them icily. BILL You bring your stethoscope? No. Chun pulls the Tracker from his pocket..SAME TIME Mr. low-pitched HUM... He sneers. Lulu grins hopefully: Shane's coming! A beat. done.. Bill eyes the safe.and Lulu quickly ROLLS across room! She lands against Todd. completely SINGED OFF. MR. MRS. With a rapid blur of finger-work.S. then Mr. off shoulder eyebrows. BEEPING. horrified -. Chun whirls -. just missing BOTH ILL Charles never made things easy. startled -. then leans back against Zoe. Tyler GASPS. Lulu "looks" scared. INT. had eyebrows.. like a monstrous computer. A jet blast of FLAME shoots out! She leaps back just in time. MRS.the Kids look innocent. Bill pats out the flames with his own jacket. Lulu frowns. Mr. HOUSE . quickly assuming a fake bound position..which sets hidden flame-throwers in the walls.settings: ARMED and DISARMED. she hits her panic button! O.and SCREAMS HIS LUNGS OUT.
Chun spins. Mr. she signals Tyler and crosses her eyes. she unties Zoe! Then -.
She confidently strides toward the safe -. we reveal her HANDS untying her ropes! Freed. Chun is Bokay. CHUN Just. but the of her jacket is on fire.needing a distraction. It's set on ARMED. The air is filled with an ominous. But behind her back. as if she hadn't moved.. Chun's eyebrows are neatly. Chun is confused for a second: "wasn't he tied to the other I
. CHUN Think I'm stupid? Now stop bothering me. Chun guards the kids. Mrs.
Chun growls and starts to stagger up. he steps closer. The Kids use the distraction: Todd POPS to his feet. then LEAPS into his SPIN KICK: it connects with Mr. when he's at her level. They untie Julie. Chun scowls. Lulu runs. CHUN That's cute. Chun gets up and turns the Mr.. Mr. Chun's head. then. HAM without warning.
BEHIND TODD .W
90. Chun's leg.
. he drops to his knees in pain. Let's GO! OE (CONT'D)
All the kids bounce up. He leans down to look at Todd's ropes Z-OE Now Peter! Peter SQUIRTS JUICE into Mr. Chun's face. Chun looks at Lulu. Lulu lands in Karate stance and calls out: LULU Hi ya! The other Kids take off.. slamming the door behind her. Chun tries to grab her by the wrist. Chun laughs: MR. snake-like move. Mr. Skeptical. It HURTS. Lulu SWEEPS Mr. she KICKS him right in the nuts. Mr. but Lulu EVADES with her cool.Lulu frantically unties Todd's ropes -it's gonna be close. Mr.. then scoop up Peter and Tyler..
She SCREAMS.CONTINUOUS Zoe shoves a chair between the door and the opposite wall. NURSERY .SAME TIME The family comes scrambling out -. He reaches out to knock the chair away but he can't quite reach.
INT. clutching her! The
. a HAND suddenly GRABS her.doorknob. NURSERY .but as Julie exits... He puts his face up to the hole he's made... his face COATED in white. making a small hole.. DONNGGG -.Todd hits him square in the face with the fire extinguisher EXT. I INT. Chun punches the door. OUTSIDE THE NURSERY . Chun's face. OUTSIDE THE NURSERY . Chun falls back from the door. FRONT DOOR .CONTINUOUS Mr. they're trapped inside. Bill lurches into view.CONTINUOUS Todd's outside with a FIRE EXTINGUISHER: he blasts Mrs. M E
91. He sticks his face out the hole. AGGGH! JULIE
ITSELF. CHUN That stuff doesn't hurt. but the door won't budge. He yells out furious! MR.. INT.
ARGHH! driveway.CONTINUOUS ON Bill pulls Julie inside. then nod and run to the side garage. EXT.CONTINUOUS SPARKS FLY as Zoe hot-wires the minivan. Mrs. She floors it.. Chun listens to Mr. they're not going anywhere. INT.CONTINUOUS r. unsure. CHUN
Chun falls.I've got the keys. Chun THE RADIO. Chun comes racing around the house -.kids are horrified. They start to run back. HOUSE .
MR.. MINIVAN . but she urgently gestures -Keep going! JULIE (CONT'D) RUN! Go GET HELP!!!
The kids fret.as SCREEEECH! The van suddenly FLOORS out. CHUN They're headed for the car! BILL Relax -.. RRRR! It shifts into drive and ROARS away. HOUSE . Zoe and Todd load the kids into the minivan. as the van PEELS backwards down the and 360's. almost clipping him! Z
9 2. speaking in Korean: RS. Hurry! ZOE/TODD C'mon! Buckle up!!
Chun hops into Bill's car and races after them. Then. What's the code? JULIE I don't know any code -. Julie GASPS. It's getting old. a CRACKLING of static. They step past Shane's body.CONTINUOUS Zoe floors it. chilled. Chun exits the vault. Mrs. holding a military RADIO. I want to know how to get through the booby traps. BILL If I knew Charles had hidden it so well. INT. B
. leading her to the secret door. gaining on them. WHOOOOOO! The kids SCREAM. GARAGE . lying on the concrete.. VAN . Omigod! OE What are we doing??!
TODD Let's look for a cop! WIDE The sedan GUNS its engine. as they sail through the intersection! The sedan keeps chasing. oe runs a yellow. INT.SAME TIME Bill has Julie at gunpoint. Don't make me kill you too.Charles didn't tell me about the room.. She hits the curb and goes AIRBORNE. I wouldn't have killed him so soon. BILL How does it work? JULIE How does what work? BILL Don't play dumb.
Then -.93. don't hurt the kids. Surprised. Bill deciding if he can trust him. Chun just inches from the kids' tail. BUSY STREET .he clicks "talk" on the radio.S. I'll get you in. BILL Change of plan.DAY The vehicles race. He tries to pass them on the right. emotional.) Bill... NO! JULIE
Julie goes frantic. as Zoe drives. to cut them off! INT. CHUN Mr.
MRS.. He does something we can't see.SHANE They look over -. half on the sidewalk. EXT. ZOE
. Bring them back unharmed. just please don't hurt anyone. It's B risky. my husband has question: MR. ANGLE . Do it. MINIVAN . Bill uncuffs Shane. they might wreck..Shane is standing in the doorway. CHUN (OVER THE WALKIE) I have a clean shot at their tires.CONTINUOUS Todd scrambles into the back seat.. It's like a chariot race. SHANE (CONT'D) I know the code. ill eyes him. The men stare down. Chun zooming by. everyone looks down. Bill. ILL . SHANE (O..
Shane is figuring his options. Hair
spray. Mrs. INT.MOMENTS LATER Shane scopes out the vault.
TODD Don't wait for me! The sedan pulls up beside them. Zoe looks over. It throws Mr. SECRET VAULT .. Chun SCREAMS. CRASH!! The kids cheer. and loses control. CHUN Aah! HEY -Rubbish clobbers him. PETER Wheee! The Van spins madly. disoriented.. SHANE Anybody got any perfume? breath freshener. then POUNDS the gas! Faster! About to pass... Zoe makes a very lewd gesture at him. Mr... Exasperated.. crayons. Chun off for a beat. Mr. WIDE RRRRRRRR!! The Van SPINS into a squealing 360. The sedan skids and PLOWS into a store window. Chun with debris: milk cartons. Chun is pointing a gun! suddenly PULLS the emergency brake. Lulu starts PELTING Mr. triumphant. Chun is now face to face with Todd -who throws a dirty diaper into the his face. TODD (CONT'D) Now! Zoe floors it. The walls and ceilings are covered with high-tech weaponry..What's taking you? 94. Mr. Chun ROLLS UP his window. Bill waits impatiently. M R. orange peels. Chun holds Julie. She
Mr. Chun swerves and almost wrecks. Peter laughs. In the van.
He speaks aloud.ZAP! The floor tile SHOCKS HIM. sending him flying backwards. Shane steps forward.now. in pain. He mists the air to see the beams: He steps forward. landing on his hands and knees. Shane leaps back. BILL Code or no code. Todd. That was the code! I swear! I saw Plummer use it on his briefcase.A bewildered beat -. confidently: J
95 . Tyler! Bill reacts.. Watch. Lulu.then Julie pulls out a tube of Binaca. Peter. SHANE (CONT'D) The key is the kid's names. Shane steps forward . ill cocks his gun. puzzled. Sweat drips down Shane's face. Shane SQUIRTS it.. Shane gets up.he miscalculates: a BURST OF FLAME blazes from the ceiling like a giant blow torch.
. ILL You think this is a game?! S SHANE But.
SHANE (CONT'D) Zoe. go get it -. Bill laughs. over one beam and ducking under another -. revealing in the mist a myriad of crisscrossing LASER BEAMS.
That's the code! He shares a look with Julie. Calmness comes to Shane's face. CLOSE-UP .
. Julie relieved.. SHANE (thinking) Haven't got a chance. fearlessly. Don't make a move `til you're in the groove. Again -. He notices a GROOVE carved in the floor. He thinks. Shane he steps forwards. No BOOBY TRAPS are set off. When you're down and low. SHANE (CONT'D) (sings softly to himself) .. Something she said. He feels the Groove. He looks up at the ceiling (bottom of the first floor). Bill and Julie share a look -.JULIE (to Bill) You can't make him do this -He doesn't have a chance. Shane feels the Groove in the floor. not quite centered to the room. And you haven't got a chance. He takes a deep breath.
Shane LAUGHS sharply..SHANE Shane's thinks. and do the Peter Panda Dance. NOTHING HAPPENS. then back:
smiles. across two tiles. He steps sideway.NOTHING HAPPENS. SHANE (CONT'D) Sidestep twice. just like the crabs do.. E
96 . It dawns on Julie what he's doing. S facing forwards: SHANE (CONT'D) Just hop three times like a kangaroo -He hops forwards three times.they have no idea what he's laughing about. lower than the floor.
Don't follow me!
.SHANE (CONT'D) Three steps forward and one step back. The Cute Cop shouts over at Zoe. The Squad Car's lights flash on.A SPRING-LOADED SPIKE launches down standing. LULU Look out Zoe! Rollers! There is a POLICE CAR cruising the street ahead of them. Zoe slows down so the Police Car can pull up beside her. EXT. They have my mom. they're FLYING. imbedding itself where he was Shane is rattled. 9 7.you have to follow me! CUTE COP Just pull over! ZOE Fine. and he catches up with the minivan -.it takes a while. Until Julie shouts: JULIE QUICK LIKE A TURTLE LIE ON YOUR BACK! Shane snaps out of it and flops down on his back -.just in time: FLAMES SHOOT FROM BOTH WALLS right at him. BUSY INTERSECTION . When he steps back -. and our bodyguard -. 5-0. from the ceiling.
CUTE COP I'd say you could lose your license -but you haven't got one! ZOE People are trying to kill us. his focus gone. If he'd been standing. Inside is the Cute Cop. ZOE Come on. Use the gas.SIMULTANEOUS The Minivan blasts through another yellow. Zoe blows past it. not the brake. he'd be toast.
VROOOM!! Then -FIVE MORE POLICE CARS ZOOM BY.
.. INT.. Squad Car turns around and chases her. The Squad Car is on its tail. but if I had more resources. SUBURBAN STREET . Shane jumps revealing a the corner. and sizzles up just AS THE FLOOR UNDER HIM DROPS AWAY.
SHANE Wriggle like a snake `til you can't no more. like there ain't no floor. I accept full responsibility. concerned. Shane has wedged himself in A bead of his sweat falls into the liquid. EXT. Zoe U-turns. Chun in his now-wrecked sedan.
MURNEY That Baloney Bandit struck again. the Minivan SPEEDS by. sliding forward. at a safe distance. NECK-BRACE. VROOOOM! Then the Police Car CHASES by. She shakes her head. It's acid. and speeds back towards her house. Then better jump quick. almost running it off road. Suddenly. Claire frowns. PLUMMER BASEMENT . nervously. Following the chase. is Mr.. in a cloud of smoke. pool of liquid. It is joined by MORE SQUAD CARS. VROOOOOOM!!! MURNEY (CONT'D) (not that surprised:) I told you not to pass her in Driver's Ed.SAME TIME
Murney and Claire are watching a SOCCER GAME.
98. EXT..MOMENTS LATER The Minivan speeds by. My intelligence proved to be faulty.the The
She swerves into the Squad Car. SCHOOL .CONTINUOUS Shane is on the floor.
I'd be happy to cut you in on the proceeds. He nervously steps forward . BILL (CONT'D) You know. Shane."
. if you're willing to join up. The Booby Traps are disarmed. The whole room goes SILENT. to the left of the HOLE. Mrs. It's a stand-off. He lands in front of THE SAFE. Chun to go first. Whew. The safe's red light turns green. sir. Finally. to calm down) Almost done. and jumps back.then nozzles spray YELLOW GAS at him.we make a good team? SHANE I was devoted to you. almost done. Nothing happens. Bill takes a breath -. And you betrayed all of that. Shane scowls. He's relieved -. All that we stand for. I knew you'd figure it out.
Bill shrugs.and walks across the room. and jump to the left. "Just hold your breath. Immediately." He jumps.SHANE (CONT'D) (to himself.. She gestures back: you go. Bill signals for Mrs. Bill looks around..he waves his hand over the floor. You were always my best man. Chun follows. Still holding his breath: SHANE (CONT'D) And that's the Peter Panda Dance. BILL I'll take that as a "no. pulling Julie along.
Beat. What do you say -. disgusted. BILL Thank you. the flamethrowers and blowguns retract! The gas gets sucked into grates. He flips the switch to DISARMED. He holds his breath just in time.
but Shane gazes coldly.. Shane's fury is unleashed: A volley of attacks. He starts to reach for the dial. Shane kicks his gun away! The gun skids into the acid and plunges. He BILL (CONT'D)
Shane glares. But suddenly Mrs.. SIZZLING. MRS. then catches himself. her hair on end. hitting Bill's arms. then PUNCHES him in the gut. Bill is off guard. Mrs. Shane reaches for the safe. head. Shane shrugs. shaking from the voltage. then returns an onslaught of BLOWS. Reluctantly . BILL (CONT'D) Oh come on. Chun doesn't budge. and ZAPPPPP! 1000 volts ELECTROCUTES her.. Full of himself. Relief. trying to read Shane's poker face. Something's not right. She turns it..Mrs.
. BILL (CONT'D) . before he reaches the dial -BILL (CONT'D) Wait. Chun reaches out. I think you better open it. That's just what you want isn't it? Bill thinks.Bill turns to the safe. Chun LEAPS onto his back. legs! He's crazed. Chun.. CHUN AAAAAA! 100. Nothing happens. Bill is incensed. I walked the floor first. Bill gestures to Mrs. unrelenting. Bill LUNGES. And he's strong! shoves Shane back. You open it. BILL None requested. SHANE There will be no mercy. and touches the dial..
spin..SAME TIME The minivan races toward the house. She catapults.. Peter Panda! The CODE! A BELL rings. They punch. He jumps to his feet. SHANE .
Bill is charging him. which Shane deflects -. then runs to grab her outstretched hand. OOF!
Bill tumbles. tottering. Shane tumbles. Leering mercilessly. Shane shakes his head. Shane COLD-COCKS her. IN THE VAN. the wind knocked out of him. Say. saved. landing on his back in front of the safe. The Police Cars
. SIRENS wailing. stumbles backwards across the room. PLUMMER'S STREET . K. terrible neighbor. Suddenly -Shane! JULIE Watch out! Shane whirls.. chase after. kick. good night. he drops and FLIPS her.She SCREAMS and grabs his throat. then whispers/sings. delivering a Bill gets slammed in the chest. knocking her out. connecting only occasionally..they tangle like pro's.BILL He steps over Shane. unable to gain her balance. BILL Any last words? Julie gasps. It's clear the both have the same training. he jabs the spike against Shane's throat. She smiles. and stops just inches from the acid! She teeters. and the safe door flies open! SLAMMING Bill in the head! BONG! Bill's collapses and drops. Suddenly. Bill wheels around and lands a kicks squarely in Shane's chest.! EXT. Shane struggles to lose her. But he's unforgiving. everyone is SCREAMING. ROUNDHOUSE KICK. ANGLE . delivering a series of hard punches. Shane narrows his eyes. SHANE You're a.O.
GHOST. then look in the safe: Inside. Cops surround them. with their hands raised.. HOUSE . smoke BURNING from the tires -.) FREEZE! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! EXT. INT. Then -. WHOA! kids?? SHANE What are you doing to these POLICE leap I think
. The lead Police Car screeches to a stop.a sudden AMPLIFIED VOICE from behind them: ULLHORN (V. They look in silence. But it's too late.
TODD Zoe! You're going too fast!! You're not gonna have enough time to stopZOE Hey. Even Peter and Tyler have their little hands over their heads. The van SKIDS.SAME TIME Shane and Julie stare at each other. I'M the one in Driver's Ed! I know what I'm doing!! WIDE She squeals into the driveway.101.SAME TIME Total commotion. The Kid spill out and run. the cavernous metal box holds but one object: A tiny COMPUTER CHIP. JULIE Thank you Shane.. It's finally over. The garage door raises. SHANE . SECRET VAULT . grateful. Shane gently removes it.. She smiles at Shane. Shane steps out. The kids clamber from the van.. then BRAKES. from the car. Now we can go back to our peaceful.and hits a tree. Whoa.O.
ZOE But.. The Cops are unsure what to do. Julie and Shane Freeze. pointing a ROCKET LAUNCHER.a WOMAN suddenly flips over the fence.. Chun stands inside the gate. and grabs the MR. CHUN (O. Silence. 10 2. uh. Mr. They just aided in exposing a high-level espionage ring.a CRAZED SCREAM.
Cops cover Shane and Julie. and KNOCKS him out with a Karate Chop. triumphant... AND A DIRECT FLIGHT TO PYONGYANG! The cops freeze.. officer. MR.. Shane weighs his not so many options. EVERYBODY! WIDE Everyone spins. He's disheveled and manic.) HIT THE GROUND!!!
. CUTE COP I said FREEZE. trafficS violations -SHANE (cutting him off) These kids are heroes. I suggest you call the FBI. Even Chun is amazed.. Reckless endangerment! Driving without a license. Now. you're in a lot of trouble.. CUTE COP You expect me to believe any of that? Suddenly -. vaults onto Chun. CHUN (CONT'D) I WANT THE GHOST. HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM.CUTE COP FREEZE. Numerous. as he turns his head. But then -. He scoffs. TEN MILLION DOLLARS. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Ya!! Claire lands on her feet. Nobody is sure what to do. Zoe. Shane spins.S. helpless.
DISSOLVE TO: EXT. F.I.B. Julie huddles with the kids. Do you have a card or something? The Agent hands him a BUSINESS CARD. COP I think I'll call the FBI. This chaos is unsolvable. swelling with pride. CLOSE-UP .THE CUTE COP He's flummoxed. Wolfe. Lulu is following one of the FBI Agents around. SHANE Just doing my job.LATER F. Shane talks with an F. GARAGE . Shane examines it. LULU Do you have to wear that thing in your ear all the time? FBI AGENT Beaten. ANGLE . AGENT The Bureau is always looking for good men. then walks off. that was nice work. AGENTS swarm the area.I.I. INT. 103.CLAIRE She proudly smiles back at him.SHANE He breaks into a big grin.I. watching the FBI Agents work.CONTINUOUS The Kids are looking around. PLUMMER HOUSE .
CLOSE-UP . he
.rocket launcher.B..B.. reaches for his radio.B. AGENT Mr. Agent. You're a one-man battalion. Bill and the Chuns are being hauled away in cuffs. F .
SHANE Well. from the safe.. here. SHANE . PRINCIPAL CLAIRE Well. Does it itch? Yes. I'm on dry land. 104. I don't see anything but reasons to stay. I'm kinda. Lulu -. He looks at Claire. a letter. What if you and me did a little amphibious recon mission. re-conning the situation. Shane looks at her.. PRINCIPAL CLAIRE So. You're the superior office. then Julie found the key. I don't know.CONTINUOUS Claire walks up to Shane.. Peter. On. Tyler. I always have. Julie. The Plummers hug each other. Her siblings.. LULU FBI AGENT
Zoe is looking at the safe.. She sees. fallen onto the floor.Yes. and gather around. Mock-angry.. Todd. You tell me. Zoe reads the LETTER: ZOE If you're reading this. A tear comes to her eye.. What happens now? You'll be stationed somewhere else. Summer's almost here.I want to say: I love you more than anything.Maui?
. say -.. right? I guess there's no more reason for you to stick around here.. Zoe. What's the next move? Shane smiles slyly and pulls her close. P RINCIPAL CLAIRE So. He looks around: at the family. THE PLUMMER HOUSE . and Julie notice.. EXT.. And to tell the truth.
P ETER Love you.his medal. Lulu turns to Shane. He wipes his face. Guess you have to go now. He starts to head off. SHANE Ah. SHANE He would've wanted me to give it to someone I care about. interrupting. Lulu calls after him: LULU Shane. I'm gonna
.. 105. Thank you. we're never gonna see you again! SHANE What are you talking about? see you Friday night. For everything.Sir yes sir.. Zoe gives them a look -.. Shane bawls -. Your work here is through. He puts them down. He surprises her with a BEAR HUG -. LULU This is it.he hugs the whole family at once. A long beat. Julie looks up.SHANE This is too much. TIGHT . He squeezes her hand around it.
She puts out her hand. ZOE But. Like he did.he can't keep it in. come here you.that makes Shane and Claire BLUSH.
SHANE Your dad would be so proud. sad. baffled. Before he goes: he reaches down and gives Zoe . to shake his.. Shane. The Plummers all approach.
Claire beams. squeezing them off the ground.
Finally: "CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN. as the family crosses the papier-mâché alps. until he sits back down." Hearts swell.JULIE What's Friday night? INT. rapt." In the audience. the most adorable ducklings you ever saw. Scott: in a suit. SHANE(CONT'D) (he grins) Now let's break a leg. Nuns sing "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" The Von Trapp kids perform "So Long. hit your marks. Shane watches with bated breath. Shane stands. even Murney. She is surrounded by her children. the little Brownie Troop. Wider reveals the Cast of `The Sound of Music'. beaming with pride. and shouts: SHANE (CONT'D) YESSS! (And an Armed forces:) Huu-ah! The Audience stares at him. A STANDING OVATION. Lulu has a basket in her lap -inside: GARY THE DUCK and his new family. Claire: dressed to the nines. You Are Sixteen begins. BACKSTAGE . VICTORIA THEATRE. They all watch. It's fantastic -. and failure is not an option! No detail is too small! We are the BEST! Remember your lines. In SLOW MOTION. he leaps into the SPIN KICK. Todd spins. Julie watches in astonishment.NIGHT Close on Shane: SHANE Tonight is the night we trained for. CUT TO: Shane's military-march version of the musical. Farewell. his hair combed. and stay in character! I expect perfection! (MORE) 1 06. The AUDIENCE goes nuts.a Michael Jordan dunk. The performers take their curtain
Mission accomplished. THE END
http://www.com/scripts/Pacifier. FADE OUT. then giddily gesture Shane to come out. He humbly steps into view -.imsdb.and the house goes crazy. touched. Shane smiles. Thundering applause. A cellophane bouquet of flowers gets thrust on him.-The.calls.html on December 9 2010