The Incredible Cockatoo Part two

by Jason Becker

INT. JACK'S 1997 GEO METRO - DAY

Jack and DJ sit in the car stuck in traffic arguing back and forth. Jack is in the passenger seat. DJ drives.

JACK

I mean who says something like that. I'm the man who is going to change your life. That sounds like a rape threat.

DJ

He said it cause that shit is true. We gon be some high rollin' mother f**kas from now on ... all rape threats aside.

JACK

You don't know that for sure.

DJ

Why else would he say some crazy shit like that before giving you his card. You think if your uncle was just goin to leave you some old national geographics this Goodfellow nigga would have gotten all melodramatic on your ass? National Geographics don't change your life. Millions of f**kin dollars change your mutha f**kin life.

JACK

I don't know I saw a feature on the woman of Papa New Guinea when I was twelve ...

DJ

How come you didn't tell me you had a rich uncle, anyway?

JACK

I can't believe I didn't say anything. I mean he's sort of the reason I moved to Beantown anyway.

DJ

Don't call it Beantown.

JACK

Sorry, I forgot. He came into the store a few times. Older guy. Had a little dog with him. Kinda froufy.

2.

DJ

Froufy? That some kind of white word?

JACK

You know, like a real happy guy? HAPPY.

DJ

You mean he was like a gay.

JACK

Yes, I guess he was LIKE A GAY in that he enjoys butt sex with dudes. If that is what A GAY is like.

DJ

Whoa ... whoa. You moved to Boston to hang out with your gay uncle.

JACK

No. My mom was like the only person who still talked to him after he like outed himself or whatever and she used to bring me with her when she came up here to visit him. When she died I needed a change of scenery and this was the only place I'd ever been outside Florida so ...

DJ

Man, what is up with this f**king traffic?

DJ honks the horn.

JACK

Yeah, that WILL thin it right out.

DJ

You think that gay shit is hereditary.

JACK

What the hell are you babbling about? I'm not gay if that's what you're implying.

DJ

Allie thinks you're gay.

JACK

she what?

3.

DJ

Allie thinks you're gay. I tried to tell her you're all about the vagina but wasn't havin' it.

JACK

F**k my ass! I can't believe the girl of my dreams thinks I'm gay.

DJ

You know telling me to f**k you in the ass and then saying you can't believe someone things you're

gay ... Its pretty obvious why someone would think you were gay. On the real ... You say f**k my ass an awful lot for a guy who claims to be straight.

JACK

Its a figure of speech.

DJ

A figure of speech only used by gay dudes and hoes in flix who are getting f**ked or who are about to get f**ked in the ass.

JACK

This is not funny. My one true love thinks I am a pole smoker.

DJ

ONE TRUE LOVE!?! You did not just use the phrase "one true love". Tell me something Jack ... do you sit alone in the dark and listen to Lionel Richie while crying?

JACK what! Oh, screw you.

DJ

I think you do ... you sit in the dark listening to Lionel Richie and thinking of Allie. I know you got the CD I saw that shit on yo itunes that time I used yo computer.

JACK

Look, IF I did that. Which I DO NOT. If I did that you're in no position to make fun of me.

(MORE)

4.

JACK (cont I d) Remember the Kristian's gone megamix.

DJ

Hey ... I'm not making fun of you, cuz.

They sit quietly for a panel.

DJ starts singing.

DJ

I've been alone with you inside my mind! ! ! !

JACK

You are a pop culture victim ... you know that right?

DJ

And in my dreams ... I've kissed your lips a thousand times.

Jack is starting to get pissed.

JACK

They referenced that song in Scary Movie 4 for Christ's sake ... and in a flippin' starburst commercial.

DJ

I sometimes see you walking outside my door ...

JACK SCREAMS ...

JACK

I HOPE YOU GET RAPED!!!

EXT. FRONT OF THE TRAFFIC JAM - DAY

The source of the traffic jam that Jack and DJ are stuck in is a massive battle between superheroes Norse(12 year old girl version), Pantha, Hippie Scum and a monster of some sort.

EXT. BRADFORD MANOR - DAY

Caption: Much, much later ...

5.

Jack and DJ stand at the door at the massive Bradford manor. Its almost castle like in its construction and in the center of the structure a giant glass dome/sky-light is visible.

DJ

Rolla at yo boy! Did I say millionaires ... bitch we are gonna be ballas. When we get our cash flowin' you and me gonna make Jay-Z look like a dead hobo.

JACK

You keep saying we ...

DJ

what you gonna do without DJ. If not for me The Dojo would have gone under three years ago. You ain't no business man.

JACK

Yeah, whatever. So, when did Allie tell you she thought I was gay?

DJ pulls Jack toward the house.

DJ

Get your country ass up these stairs. I want my damn money. who needs Allie, when you rich. I'll have you knee deep in market fresh poonany by midnight tonight.

They reach the door just as it bursts open.

An elderly butler type and a young guy in a speedo and boat shoes push past Jack and DJ.

BUTLER

You've haven't heard the last of us, Goodfellow.

SPEEDO

Yeah, you'll regret this, you crusty old queen.

Goodfellow stands in the doorway.

Jack and speedo eyeball each other.

JACK Banana hammock.

The butler grabs speedo by the ear and pulls him away. Goodfellow greets Jack and DJ.

GOODFELLOW

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

DJ

what up dawg, you runnin' some kind of bathhouse in there?

GOODFELLOW

Those were a couple of employees I had to let go.

DJ

Hey, man. whatever you wanna call it. Different strokes and what not.

GOODFELLOW And you are?

DJ offers Goodfellow his hand.

DJ

I'm Jack's business manager. They call me DJ.

Goodfellow doesn't take his hand.

GOODFELLOW I'm sure they do.

INT. BRADFORD MANOR - DAY

Goodfellow, DJ and Jack walk through the insanely lavish mansion. DJ and Jack look around astonished.

JACK

So, this is a big house.

DJ

So, what are you like the house nigga or something. You drive the old dude around like Benson or that British cat from Fresh Prince.

GOODFELLOW

Forgive me if I don't GET your pop culture references ... I'm sure they are most humorous.

They come to the entrance of the library.

6.

7.

GOODFELLOW

Your uncle left behind a video will. I can show it to you in the library.

DJ

Is there one of them eye ball paintings with the secret passage ways and shit?

Goodfellow stands outside the door and motions for Jack to come in. Jack walks past and enters. Goodfellow places his hand on DJ's chest as he tries to enter.

GOODFELLOW

I'm sorry but this is a private will. sensitive information and all that ... I'm sure you understand.

DJ looks to Jack.

DJ

Jay, I think you need to straighten this nigga out. He does not seem to grasp the meaning of business manager.

JACK

I'm sorry, Mr. Goodfellow. My friend may try to act all STREET but he IS actually my business manager. I'm not really smart about all this legal shi ... stuff.

GOODFELLOW

I'm not sure that it would be such a good idea.

JACK

Trust me ..• he went to law school. I'm not really comfortable dealing with any sort of legal matter without him.

GOODFELLOW As you wish.

DJ

That's right, Geeves. How do you LIKE that shit?

8.

GOODFELLOW

Not very much I'm afraid.

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

They sit on a couch in front of a large TV monitor. Goodfellow stands behind them with a remote. He turns the TV on and leans against a bookshelf as the video starts.

Bryce Bradford appears on screen looking chipper and healthy with a big goofy smile.

BRYCE

Hey there nephew. Let me first apologize if you are watching this. I meant to convey all this info in person but I guess I wasn't able to make time for it. I'm going to make this video will or I guess it would be a Digital Versatile will because I'm getting older and I am not in the best of health.

So, your Mom ... she was a great lady. It killed me that I couldn't come to the funeral. I'm not exactly welcome at family gatherings.

I was surprised when you moved out here and even more so when you called and asked for a visit. I was nervous the first time I came into your store. Truth be told I thought you would ask for money. You didn't.

Your mannerisms, certain turns of phrase ... it was if your Mom was still alive. I almost cried right there on the spot. Actually, that might be the reason I didn't spend more time with you. You were so much like your Mom it was kind of painful. To top it all off you didn't judge me, didn't disrespect me.

You treated me like a person ... you treated me like family.

(MORE)

9 .

BRYCE (cont'd)

Your Mom did a good job with you kid and you'll never know how much that meant to me. Or maybe you will when I tell you this.

I have a lot of money ... an insane amount of money. Just a vastly insane amount of money.

I'm leaving a great deal of it to charity. I also left quite a bit to Mr. Goodfellow but even after I do that there is still a lot.

My liquid assets figure out to be around eleven billion dollars. Then there is the controlling interest in Bradford Technologies exactly fifty-two percent, thirty-percent of which I'm leaving to Mr. Goodfellow which I guess with his twenty percent would give him controlling interest ... still the twenty-two percent of Bradford stock I'm leaving you should be worth about forty-five billion.

Then there's my hotels, clubs and various odds and ends ... Oh, and the house and all the stuff in the house. I guess the total worth of everything I'm leaving you will be in the vicinity of ... say ... seventy three billion dollars.

DJ jumps out of his chair.

DJ

OH, MY F**KING GOD!

Goodfellow and Jack look at DJ. DJ composes himself and sits back down.

DJ Sorry. My bad, dog.

BRYCE

I know this may come as a shock considering how we weren't very close ... but besides Lance you are the only family I got kiddo.

(MORE)

10.

BRYCE (cont'd)

I always wanted to adopt a kid but by the time the world warmed up to the idea of a couple of gay guys adopting a kid I was too old to do anything about it ... also my chosen lifestyle didn't really lend itself to fatherhood.

Alright, I think you've had time for surprise number one to maybe sink in ... Here's shocker number two. I was ... in my younger days, a costumed crime fighter known as ....

He takes a dramatic pose.

BRYCE

THE INCREDIBLE COCKATOO!!!

He relaxes.

BRYCE

Don't worry if you never heard of me ... I was a big deal for about a second right before you were born then kinda faded into obscurity.

Now shocker numero three ... I'm going to leave you all that money

and stuff but under one

condition one major league

condition and if you don't wanna

do this I understand.

I've made arrangements for your inheritance if you choose not to accept it. After you hear this rather doozy of a catch twenty-two you really might not want anything to do with my vast ... vast fortune.

If you want all that money ... and its a lot of money ... you have to become ... drum-roll please ... The new INCREDIBLE COCKATOO!!!

It'll be a lot of work and there are specifics that Goodfellow will go over with you ... but that is it. That's the whole spiel.

(MORE)

11.

BRYCE (cont'd)

I believe that you are a man of excellent character and that you as your mother's son are perfectly suited to inspire a new generation of superhero and blah, blah, blah.

Truthfully, I just saw what a utterly boring existence you lead and considering what a special person you are thought you could use the excitement.

Okay ... so peace out or whatever they're saying on the MTV nowadays.

He approaches the camera and is clearly trying to turn it off.

BRYCE

Hey, Lance how do you turn this stupid thing off?

Lance clicks off the TV with the remote as he circles DJ and Jack to stand in front of them.

GOODFELLOW

Well, what do you think, Mr. Bradford?

Jack sits completely shocked. Even DJ is speechless.

JACK

This is a joke, right.

Goodfellow smiles slyly.

GOODFELLOW So, its proof you need.

He walks over to a fertility/virility idol with a huge penis. He twists the penis and the two largest book cases in the room open to reveal fire house poles.

JACK

Oh, no. Sweet baby Jesus on fire ... no.

DJ

What do you mean no? Don't you do this to me. You are going to do this. There can be no question.

12.

They all approach the poles. DJ jumps right on and slides down.

DJ

See ya later, boy wonder.

Jack looks down into the opening ahead of him, then back to Goodfellow.

JACK

Isn't the statue a little ... you know ... like ... huh.

GOODFELLOW

Your uncle always used to say ... If you're going to be gay ... be REALLY gay.

INT. THE AVIARY - DAY

DJ stands in awe of the Aviary. Not impressed awe. Dumbstruck awe. The Aviary is the exact opposite of The Batcave. It is the Batcave after the crew of Trading Spaces have given it a complete overhaul. It bright and cheery.

The vehicles are in plain view in this domed glass room. The sky is visible overhead which slides open for the Cockatacopter. There is also a ramp leading underground for the Cockatomobile. The Cockatapus hangs in the air by chains.

The Aviary actually takes up most of the house. The Mansion has been built around the dome. The house is a facade.

Goodfellow and Jack slide into the Aviary. Jack joins DJ in his dumbfoundedness.

JACK

Dear God. No offence Mr. Goodfellow but I knew my uncle Bryce was gay but this ... this makes Liberace look like Rock Hudson.

DJ

I'm black ... and cool so I don't know who those people are but ... if that means that this some gay shit then I have to agree.

GOODFELLOW

Yes, well. That was kind of the point. I guess I'll show you boys around.

13.

Charles Nelson staggers up to Jack.

CHARLES NELSON

woof.

JACK

what in the shit is this?

GOODFELLOW

Well, if you accept your inheritance ... I guess he's your dog. His name is Charles Nelson. Charles, go back to bed, baby. Don't over exert yourself.

Charles looks up then falls over asleep where he stands.

GOODFELLOW OKAY. Let the tour begin.

They walk through the Aviary with Goodfellow as their tour guide.

GOODFELLOW

Here we have our array of cray super computers. Your uncle has kept them updated with all the latest prototype hardware and software from BradfordTech.

JACK

I haven't exactly mastered Windows XP so ...

GOODFELLOW

To your left you'll see our top of the line crime lab with a full pathology department.

DJ Pathology?

JACK

Autopsies.

DJ

Gross, nigga. You gonna be cuttin' up dead mother f**kas and shit.

GOODFELLOW

We usually just borrowed the pathology reports from the county

morgue ...

(MORE)

14.

GOODFELLOW (cont'd) but sometimes we come across unusual specimens and had to get our hands dirty.

DJ

You mean like bigfoots and chupacabras and all that M. Night Shyamalan crap?

GOODFELLOW

Coming up is the trophy area ...

Goodfellow sees all the weird shit ahead in the trophy area and reconsiders.

GOODFELLOW

You know what ... you boys might not be ready for the trophy room. How about I skip ahead to the vehicles.

They stand before the Cockatomobile.

GOODFELLOW The Cockatomobile.

DJ

Man, you guys ready f**ked this car up. I mean this used to be a sweet T-Bird now its a piece of pink shit covered in feathers. It look like a great big feathery dick.

Jack just looks embarrassed.

They stand before The Cocktacycle.

GOODFELLOW

This is the Cocktacycle. This motorcycle was built from the ground up, a completely original design it can achieve speeds of up to two hundred miles per hour.

JACK

Is it supposed to look like a bird because it kinda look like ...

DJ

This one look like a dick too. You built a great big dick with wheels from the ground up.

They stand before the Cockatacopter.

15.

GOODFELLOW

The dome's ceiling slides open allowing The Cockatacopter to take ...

DJ

You niggas sure were obsessed with large pink phallic symbols.

They look at DJ startled.

JACK

Phallic?

DJ

Oh, I'm sorry. Can't a nigga know some big words. I can't sound educated? Fine big pink DICKS. You happy.

GOODFELLOW Let's move on shall we.

They corne upon the Cockatapus.

JACK

Let me guess ... The Cockatapus.

GOODFELLOW That what we called.

JACK

How did you even get this big bastard out of here and into the water?

GOODFELLOW

You know ... I'm not sure. We never had to use it.

Finally they stand before the costume. It is suspended in a glass display tube, Jason Todd style. Jack's jaw hangs open.

JACK

You have got to be f**king kidding me. You want ME to run around the city wearing that.

GOODFELLOW

You don't have to do this. You turn own this inheritance and it all goes to charity. The stock will be sold on the open market.

(MORE)

16.

GOODFELLOW (cont'd)

All the assets are liquidated. Seventy billion plus could do a lot of good out there in the world.

DJ

Awww, hell no. Jack if you don't do this I'll never talk to you again.

JACK

Look, my life isn't bad as is. I know my uncle thought I wasn't living to my potential or whatever but I mean ... I'm happy just being a regular cat working nine to five.

GOODFELLOW

Jack, I loved your uncle more than anyone else in the world. He was a great human being but he was also a very naive person. He was too quick to trust people and sometimes he had a hard time seeing their flaws. When he told me his plans for you I hired a private investigator to check you out.

He puts his hand on Jack's shoulder.

GOODFELLOW

You live alone. You work ... you sleep. Every Saturday night you eat at the same Mexican restaurant alone. You go to a movie, alone. You haven't had a date in the entire time you've lived in Boston. As far as the PI could determine you have not had any sort of intimate contact with another human being in the last six years. The fact is the investigator had to quit after a week because watching how you live made him want to commit suicide. In reading the file he put together on you I have to say the life you live is slightly more depressing than the film Million Dollar Baby.

DJ

Damn, dawg. That's f**ked up.

Jack looks back to the costume.

17.

JACK

I'm sorry. I'm just not the superhero type.

GOODFELLOW

Well, I think you underestimate yourself.

DJ

No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO!!!! Jack, you can't do this to me. You have to do this. Jack think of what you're giving up and what you are giving it up for. You are turning down billions of dollars so you can sit around in a comic book store all day and listen to a bunch of losers argue about who the best Green Lantern is ... about who would win in a fight between Superman and the Hulk. If you take this money you never have to fill another pull list again. You never have to listen to bearded fat guys in trench coats and backward hats recite obscene monologue about the minutia of pop culture. No more Star Wars references. No more Wally and JD. No more Bloatafski. No more LARPers ... and once we get you all Swayzed out Allie will be allover your junk. Jesus Christ, man. Think about a world without fanboys. It is a world we have always dreamed of ... no more unwashed, overweight bastards who live only to be the embodiment of cynicism, sarcasm and the repressed rage of guys who know deep down in their hearts that they will never ... never ... never know physical love in any way that doesn't involve typing with one hand.

JACK

Swayze, huh? Roadhouse Swayze?

DJ Roadhouse Swayze.

Jack turns to Goodfellow.

18.

JACK Where do I sign?

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