A Day in The Life Of A Door To Door Salesman

By Oliver Fowls Version 1.0

SALESMAN Sorry I’m Late! BOSS [From BOSS’s office] Whaddaya mean late? SALESMAN: (coughing a little). Well it’s eight-thirty… I got caught up in traffic... Uh… it won’t happen again Boss! BOSS: You’re not rota’d in for today… BUT whilst you’re here you can go out, unpaid, and get some goddam sales BOSS: Your recent sales figures have been absolute shit! I know you’ve only just divorced and both your folks died last month but… (Tense silence) BOSS: Well, to put it bluntly I don’t care. I dislike you intently. I think you’re a no good useless bum. SALESMAN: (Weakly) But… BOSS: (Talking over any replies) Unfortunately I can’t fire your ass because of how I feel, but I can for poor performance! Now, if you don’t shift two hundred units of Ultra Bondex superglue your ass is out in the cold. SALESMAN: But that stuff never sells! BOSS: Hell! I never said I was gonna make it easy now did I? SALESMAN: But I need this job BOSS; I can barely pay my mortgage working two jobs. If I don’t pay it I’ll be homeless and

BOSS: (Cutting over) So you (grabs hold of SALESMAN) better get out there (forces him toward the door) and make those fucking sales! Eccentric Homeowner: Helloooo? SALESMAN Hi there! Can I interest you in this fantastic new product? Have you ever struggled to repair broken crockery? Do you ever fin conventional superglue hard to apply? Well new Ultra Bondex solves all your worries! Eccentric Homeowner: NOOOOOO! SALESMAN: Umm… SALESMAN: Hi! SALESMAN: God Morning! SALESMAN: How would you like… Mad Homeowner: Get off of my property! JOE(V/O through phone) Speak! SALESMAN Uh... Joe? JOE …My God! If it isn’t Mr Awesome himself, what the hell do you want? SALESMAN Joe need help, I’ve got to sell two hundred packs of Super Bondex by the end of the day or I’ll lose my job (becoming a little deranged) and and I can’t lose my job Joe I Can’t! I’ll be home less and… JOE (Cuts across) Whoa Whoa Whoa! Chill out! How many you sold so far?

SALESMAN umm… about... uh... twenty? JOE Jeez…uh, try the circus, they came into town a few days ago and I got some big orders there before. (Hangs up) SALESMAN (talking to dialling tone, happier) Thanks JOE! CLOWN ONE Hello? SALESMAN Uh… Hi… Can I interest you in some ultra bondex superglue? It’s clinically proven to… CLOWN NO! Gettoutta here ya bum! CLOWN TWO Yes? SALESMAN Hello, I’m representing Ultra Bondex Superglue, I wonder if you would be interested in… CLOWN TWO What would I need with superglue? Besides, can’t you read the sign? The CLOWN points to a sign next to the door which reads NO SALESMEN NO LEAFLETS NO LETTERBOMBS SALESMAN Ah, I apologise SALESMAN Hello? BOSS So do I get to fire your ass now? How many you sold? SALESMAN Uh… twenty five? BOSS

What!? That’s even worse than I though you could do. Get your useless ass over here so I can take your badge and briefcase! BOSS Yeah, I get to fire that useless bum today. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I take his badge and briefcase. BOSS The best part is that his wife left him for me! HA HA HA HA!

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