Breakup Reversed.unlocked | Infidelity | Romance (Love)

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Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION ............................................................................................................................................. 3 CHAPTER 1: WHY DID IT HAVE TO END? ...................................................................................................... 5 CHAPTER 2: DON’T ACT DESPERATE! ......................................................................................................... 13 CHAPTER 3: REMOVING WHAT SEPARATES YOU....................................................................................... 30 CHAPTER 4: RELIGHTING THE FLAME ........................................................................................................ 43 CHAPTER 5: HOW DATING MAKES YOU DESIRABLE .................................................................................. 59 CHAPTER 6: EASING BACK INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP .............................................................................. 72 CHAPTER 7: RELATIONSHIP MAINTENANCE .............................................................................................. 94 CHAPTER 8: WHEN IT CAN’T BE SAVED .................................................................................................... 103

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INTRODUCTION
If you are reading this book right now then you have probably just broken up with somebody. It is also likely that you are in enough emotional pain that you feel you need some kind of help to assist you in dealing with your emotions. You may miss your ex so much that how and why it ended may not even matter anymore – all you know is that you want him or her back. Maybe you are at fault, or maybe your partner is – all you know is that you can’t think of anything else except for how you are going to repair all of this and reunite with your ex. In this book we are going to help you to get back together with your ex. First, we will use a little theory to explain why you do want to get back together, and then analyzing why the two of you may have split up in the first place. Sometimes, these reasons are not that obvious to you – they are hidden. It is crucial that you understand these reasons because they are causes of permanent break ups. Next you are going to learn how to manage your feelings, and in essence learn how to “get over” whatever is separating you two. You need to learn how to deal with your feelings. This is also essential because you cannot get someone back when you are being depressed, angry, or extremely needy. Your plan of action should be to read this guide on getting back together with your ex, and then you must follow the plan! Nothing will happen if you do not follow the plan! The best case scenario is that you start implementing these methods either before the breakup happens (such as right after a major fight) or immediately after your lover walks out on you. Basically, the more time that passes before you utilize these strategies, the longer it will take to see results, so you need get started as quickly as possible. So to sum up how you will use this book, you will need to follow these four basic steps to getting back with your ex –
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It’s perfectly typical to have anticipation anxiety throughout the process of breaking up and then attempting to reunite with your lover. Is it a “yes”? 4 . Work the plan to get back together with your ex. Can’t get your ex off of your mind? Don’t continue to lose sleep over what happened or contemplate the mess your relationship has become twenty four hours a day. Assess the situation to decide what your strategy should be 4. You won’t be stuck in this type of miserable scenario ever again. and follow the steps laid out in this book and you will be reunited with your ex in a month or so from today. However after finishing this book. Instead be proactive. Understand what broke you up in the first place 2. Yes it is rough and painful. The only two questions you have to ask yourself are. you will be able to see this type of situation coming long before it occurs. The most painful part is the thirty day wait before you can contact your ex again (which we will explain at a further time).1. Deal with your feelings 3. “Can I follow simple directions?” It’s up to you to decide if you’re ready for success. it is totally normal. If you’re starting to stress out because of your break up. “Am I ready to get my ex back?” and.

we do not believe it. and somebody in history has been in your situation for sure. This is why many women often don’t break up with men until they are seeing someone else. So why do relationships end? Well. No matter what it is. usually it is a case of mistrust. but we have learned from these situations. Even if we are told something. You can go on your merry way unscathed while the dumped person wrings their eyes. 5 . it’s human nature to feel this way. However no matter what the situation. Fear of being alone and in a transition period is also why many people cheat. Lovers say goodbye all the time. “Why did it have to end?” The universe is a cold place.CHAPTER 1: WHY DID IT HAVE TO END? Whenever we break up with someone we find ourselves asking the question. This is especially true for women who are usually extremely loyal creatures and find the experience of dumping a boyfriend as hard as putting down the family pet. Lovers make us suspicious. the answer back to that question would be – “why not?” The point is you are not entitled to a relationship. That is little comfort. Our innate sense of jealousy makes us believe that there is more to the story. however. When you are the one doing the dumping you are usually spared a lot of emotional torture. when you look at everything objectively. there are commonalities in all break ups that seem to be universal – your situation is never that unique. and learned how to handle them so that you can get your lover back. However things can be difficult for the person doing the dumping as well. Nevertheless breakups are a major decision. or that our partner is lying about the situation.

It’s easy. They simply abandon it when it no longer gives them what they need. They say it’s not working out and they just go. It is up to us to sort out the mystery of why this could possibly happen. Men and women leave relationships for different reasons. Men leave when you do not see them as your hero any more.Often lovers just leave. when they feel tiny.” you have to de-code that secret-speech and figure out what went wrong on your own so you can fix it. Here is a look at the some of the reasons why both sexes might leave … Why Men Leave Relationships Men split because they do not want to hurt your feelings. You have to let your man know he is admired in a big way or he will get it elsewhere. 6 . They don’t like the anger or the mess and fuss of tears and yelling. They walk out because they cannot handle you or the situation. “It’s just not working out. This is key to eventually getting that reunion that you crave. They need to see respect from the opposite sex. In this case it might be time to consider that there were problems in the relationship before the cheating took place. Sometimes they simply feel that they get tired of one lover and need some variety. They do not want to deal with your emotional reaction if you are confronted with an unpleasant truth. Sometimes a lover cheats. If your lover has left you and given you some lame excuse like. They crave approval. and whoever is hurt might just decide to say goodbye. Some men don’t even know why they need to leave a relationship. Cheating is not a spontaneous betrayal – it is usually a long time coming. they just do. or like you don’t admire them.

Why Women Leave Relationships Women feel emotionally rewarded when they practice loyalty. she will soon go looking for a man who will shower her with praise and recognize her romantic creativity. That is why so many women stay with men who beat them. or call to see how she is at work. and cheat on them. Loyalty is so ingrained in the woman’s psyche that they will be loyal to people even when they are disloyal to them. They leave because they need to feel respected. this is how the great seducers of the world work. Men don’t leave because they found someone more attractive or thinner. Most women will put up with a lot to keep their male. They will also leave if they feel criticized or nagged. the fact that fate threw them together makes the woman feel that she owes the male her company. If you do not praise her for the small creative things she does.You need to keep the romance alive and be as touchy feely as the day that you first met. You need to bat your eyelashes and be sexy. Of course this does not mean that you can’t ever express your feelings. A male is driven out of the relationship if he feels he is not ‘good enough” for the woman. so it is actually very hard for them to leave a relationship. They compliment married women and act like a friend who wants to listen to their problems. In fact. However the kiss of death for a woman is not feeling appreciated. admired. and then 7 . and wanted. and that you must always be tiptoeing around your relationship. The Romeo listens to the woman’s problems. It just means that you have to compliment him three times for every artful suggestion you make as to how he should improve his life. The female sex lives to be complimented by males. lie to them. Despite all of this. This creates an instant bond.

Remember that the male has to feel like the knight in shining armor or your reunion is not going to work. When the woman cheats on a man. When a man cheats on a woman. Women need to feel that you need them. The Unappreciated Say Goodbye So why did your relationship end? There are hundreds of reasons why two people split up. the worst thing she can do is try and blame it on the man by claiming that she was lonely or that she needed someone to talk to. that in each scenario it all boils down to one partner not feeling appreciated. Notice that in this compilation of reasons. the Casanova has stolen her from your arms by showering her with the attention that you could not give her. Many women have stayed with men who have cheated as they feel they do not 8 . Cheating A woman will cheat if she feels ignored and a man will cheat if he feels nagged or criticized.describes how the man that she is with does not appreciate her. Guess who is the man who does appreciate her? Before you know it. You might as well tell him that you do not admire him anymore. and here is list of just a few them. her feelings of betrayal are over consumed by the feeling of being unappreciated.

if these words have been spoken. An example would be Tom having an affair on Sarah. Make her feel needed and appreciated to have any hope in getting her back. Trust A lack of trust may also affect your relationship. Don’t continue to nag or critique. Fights usually occur because one partner breached the faith of the other. If one partner actually says to the other that they can’t trust you anymore. then you are going to blow it. Constant Bickering and Fights Bickering is all about letting the other person know that you don’t appreciate them. but not impossible. The relationship will end for good. Women who leave because of arguments are thinking the same thing – “He just doesn’t appreciate a single thing I do. There is a confrontation and the fight ensues. This kills and ends many relationships.” Be a lover not a critic if you decide to try and reunite with a partner. it may be hard to get your ex back. The partner feels that he or she can never feel special and loved 9 . So many men leave because they think – “No matter what I did I just could not please her!” This male gives up and just goes with someone he feels he can make happy. There is no greater expression of a lack of appreciation than being told that they are dishonorable enough not to be trusted. In fact.want to give up.

This is the kind of control you need. it is up to you to determine how to respond. For instance. Not only will you be better at getting other people to do what you want. as well as all the events that happen to you in your life. Do you choose to laugh it off or do you allow yourself to become deeply offended? Once you realize that the choice about how to handle things has always been your own.EVER again because. and emotions of the people around you. you will also be better at getting yourself to do what you want as well. the other may make the same mistake again by having a second affair. feelings. and bodies. It is our response to a person’s actions or words that determines what happens next in our minds. and you 10 . By learning to have exquisite control of your own thoughts. So what is the point in fighting to save the relationship? The key to getting back your ex is to rebuild that trust again. If someone makes a negative comment. the way you dress and what you talk about to others. you can easily manifest dramatic changes in the way that your ex and potential new relationships respond to you. behaviors. nothing anyone else does or says can make us feel a certain way without our consent. Or at least make him or her believe that the resurrection of trust between you is certain and possible. behaviors. and emotions. How to Take Control Believe it or not. You simply become more powerful as you make choices about what to respond to in life. you will be much better off. By changing your behavior. so that you do not convey unwise emotional reactions. you will automatically be influencing the thoughts. you are in control of all of your responses to the things that happen to you in life.

You will simply not be counted among the romantic actions in your ex’s mind anymore. However. Whoever said love was fair? It is a dirty business that often requires strategy and emotional manipulation. Working on yourself is the fastest way to heal your relationship. Learning to have control over yourself is not as easy as it sounds. Do you really want to give your ex the five years or so it would take to realize that mistake on their own. Why wait for this to play out when you can get your relationship back now. I Don’t Want to Play Games You might feel that you do not want to apply some of the strategies in this book because they seem too manipulative to you. This is why so many people have difficulty sticking to a diet. If you make the wrong moves you will end up in the friend category for the rest of your life. extreme measures may be necessary if you feel that your partner’s decision to leave you is a major mistake on his or her part. 11 . When your ex broke up with you he or she pulled a major power move. And when your ex broke up with you he or she basically told you that you don’t have enough to offer and that he or she can do much better than you. The attempt to recover a relationship will always be about a struggle for power no matter what you do. The way you play your cards at the very juncture of a fresh split is what is going to affect his or her opinion of you forever. Is your honesty and candid behavior working for you so far? It is noble to want a completely idealistic relationship.can learn to have much more power in your relationships by changing the ways you respond to the world around you.

You need to look at this like a chess match. Isn’t that the point? 12 . It is all about how to manipulate your ex so he or she will come back into your waiting arms. If you do not want to play games then you may not be interested in reading the rest of this book. You need to step up and play right now. There is no second prize in this type of game – just loneliness for the rest of your life.

it is usually perceived as more valuable than if it were readily available. This is because when an object is in short supply. When a lover walks out on you. They only contemplate what they have lost without looking at the reality of how they might actually have benefited from this split. You are in immediate self sabotaging danger by calling your ex too much or sending a thousand text messages to profess your undying feelings. this constant focus on the positive aspects of their relationship will quickly lead them into a profound condition of anxiety and depression. it can come as the biggest shock of your life.CHAPTER 2: DON’T ACT DESPERATE! When we feel we have lost something that touches us emotionally. people tend to panic. The very first urge is usually to call him or her on the phone to win back your love. 13 . many people spend all their time thinking about their ex and replaying the best times they spent together over and over in their heads. Unfortunately. This can lead to overkill. Anytime someone is faced with the possibility of losing someone they care about. Put that phone down. This is normal because sex is a basic drive that you need physically and psychologically. It is a grief mechanism that denies the loss until your psyche is better prepared to deal with the enormity of it. Your ability to avoid panic in these situations will depend on your ability to control your thoughts and your mind. In an instant. they will typically exaggerate that person’s positive qualities and downplay or “forget” their negative qualities. your entire life feels like a big catastrophe. sometimes without warning. After being dumped. Panic is usually the first thing you feel when you and an ex officially break up. and your ex symbolizes the security of that notion.

your job. Everything in your life seems to suffer. When you are looking like you have to beg for the relationship back. screaming. You start to panic and all you can think about is how to get things back to the way they were before. The desire to do this becomes like a primal compelling urge that cannot be ignored. you are going to look desperate. the ex is not dead. To get their ex back. There are ways to calm down and suppress panicky feelings until you get hold of yourself. leaving you in a tragic and lonely nightmare of unreciprocated love that never seems to end. you are not looking attractive to your ex. begging. The very idea that a reunion is possible can consume the entire mind. When nothing seems to work and one is rejected again and again. and most importantly your health. It is not long before crying. desperation can kick in. there is an element of finality: what’s done is done and there is no way to reverse the situation. this strategy pushes the ex farther away than ever before. Unfortunately. The conclusiveness of death gives you no choice but to move towards acceptance that the person is gone and there is no rescuing of the situation. You need to be calm so that you can come up with a rational strategy as to how to get him or her back.A breakup can be worse than a loved one passing away. At least when someone passes away and dies. your recreational life. However when it comes to breakups. and as long as he or she is alive there is still always a possibility that the two of you can get back together. your friendships. many people will try any number of things from apologizing to outright demanding that the ex reconsider and come back right this minute. 14 . and sometimes even physical intimidation can enter the picture. The problem is that when you succumb to panic and obsessive behavior.

The emotional high along with the insecurity about where you stand or what is going to happen can make you feel quite panicky. It is a vicious cycle that keeps feeding itself and it is not going to get you your ex back. you knew how your day was going to turn out. The problem too is that most of us really are a fool for love. Even if you were unhappy it was familiar. They stalk their ex. Even when you were arguing in the relationship. Your body happens to be an organic chemical factory and very little stimulation can drastically change your internal chemistry (by releasing hormones that affect neuron-transmitters) When you are with a lover. The panic you feel is from the emotional insecurity created by the break up. One minute you are loved and the next minute you are left with nothing. feel good chemicals are released. Being suddenly single leaves you feeling vulnerable and resentful of the unpredictable. they do things they are ashamed of the next morning. They drive by their house numerous times.The key is to get a hold of yourself. The result is lower self-esteem. Then you end up wincing the next morning when you realize what you have done. These feelings of panic can become quite physical. When you break up. and more desperate behavior. They drunk dial them at all hours of the night. Nobody is quite rational after a break up. more panic. Post Break up Panic When people panic. At least when you were in your relationship you knew what to expect. and not panic. develop a strategy. your 15 . After a breakup you are suddenly thrown in to the unknown.

This is why during a break up many people actually exhibit physical withdrawal symptoms such as nausea. Let the other person miss you. If you do not put your emotions through some kind of rehab. or on the internet. Stop getting in your own way and let the rift heal. You must avoid all contact with his or her friends. If not. as well. you will simply end up repeating the patterns that broke you up in the first place. don’t try to rush back into it. Get Some Distance! If you do breakup. absolutely no contact of any kind with your ex partner. you are still going to have to go through some kind of personal renovation before you get your ex back. YOU need to stop calling. lack of appetite. The fact that it is so physical is why breaking up with your ex can feel so bad. in plain English. whether you are planning on getting back together with your ex or not. your results with that person will be the same. Let’s define exactly what is meant by “distance. Don’t let anyone tell you that these physical symptoms are all in your head. because they are not! However. It will simply end up being a fight until the death of the relationship. That just makes it worse. stopping by. You are withdrawing from bodily feel good chemicals that can be very similar to stopping an addiction cold turkey.source of these free brain chemicals is gone and you can spiral down into feeling quite blue. emailing.” It means. 16 . You are not allowed to communicate to him or her in person. or just happening to be where you think your ex might be. You will only be like two boxers going in for round two of a fight that has no referee or audience. and depression. on the phone.

your urgency causes your ex to feel even angrier with you. You need to eliminate all avenues of possible contact or the strategies outlined for getting back together with your ex in this book will not be as effective. your friends are not allowed to talk to her friends. either.You must also tell your own friends to completely avoid your ex and any phone calls they may make. You may think winning back your true love as fast as possible shows that you care. When your emotions are raw and the breakup is fresh you are more likely to … • Say things for dramatic effect and to get a reaction rather than state the truth • Say things to push his or her buttons to get attention or passion • Let things decay into a power struggle • Try to make your ex feel jealous by talking about real or imagined lovers • Use unkind words to make him or her suffer • Stalk him or her physically or on the internet • Harass your ex with phone calls • Rehash ancient arguments that go around in circles • Interrogate him or her about how time is spent without you • Using taunting language • Try to one up your partner and make him or her feel bad. You should have friends that care about you enough to trust your judgment and respect your wishes. if they can’t contact you directly. you might have to question their loyalty to you and get new friends. If your friends won’t do this. • Try to seek revenge • Use sexual rejection to get even with your partner • Ask questions about the other person if there is infidelity (and get upset about the answers that you get) 17 . In addition. This is important because one of the first things they will probably do. but more often. is attempt to contact your friends in order to retrieve information.

Look at your calendar and choose a period of time that is about a month. or crash your car into his or her house. This can be difficult because the first reaction you may have to the split is one of overwhelming anxiety.. Allow yourself to have that cooling off period or you may succumb to these behaviors on the above list. If you do catch yourself about to call. Keep yourself motivated to stay on the program of avoiding your ex at all costs. based on what I have read in this book. Most people are fearful of distancing themselves after a breakup because they feel like they are throwing away their last chance to repair their situation. You can write something like: “I refuse to be the one who contacts my ex for the next thirty days or until I know for sure that it’s the right time. It helps even more if you write down a mission statement on a piece of paper (or on your calendar next to the slashes) and sign your name after it. This is the day that you can allow yourself to contact and talk to your ex.M. I. email. drunk dial. Buy yourself a pair of shoes or go golfing with the guys.” Reward yourself for each week that you manage to successfully avoid him or her.These are not exactly attractive qualities in anyone and they do not exactly say “I love you” or “I want you back “to your ex. I assure you that this is not the case as long as you follow the steps 18 . Here is the immediate action that you can take. stop yourself! Wait until the date circled arrives or else your feelings will override the break you need. Give yourself a treat. Circle that date about a month from now. The break will help you see how things truly fell apart and to reflect on how to get him or her back.

or from others. you are challenging your partners certainty about dropping you. having as much contact as possible is the way to hold onto their ex. If you disappear. and only you. Smothering your ex like this is an awful strategy. That is exactly what you want. When your ex is unable to gather information about you directly. The only right move is to shut down all communications. this can mean faking your lack of emotions which can sometimes be hard to do face to face. and stick to the thirty day pause in relations that is recommended. He or she will start to imagine all kinds of different scenarios about you and all of his or her thoughts will also be on you. They think they need to see their ex every day and talk on the phone as much as possible. Many people wrongly believe. you short circuit that arrogance. If you really want your ex back. The goal of this behavior is to block him or her from meeting someone else. 19 . When a woman chooses to dump a man or vice versa they usually feel pretty confident about it. This is the kiss of death. and changing it to disturbing uncertainty. he or she will become very confused about the situation. Try not to give in to calling back if you hear his or her voice again on the phone. The total focus of all of your ex’s thoughts to be on you.outlined in this book. Don’t Fall for the Friends Thing! A lot of people fall for it when the ex suggests that the two of you be friends. By disappearing completely. Try to resist that tendency to wear your heart on our sleeve if you do see your ex.

20 .Realize that if you see your ex too soon after a breakup. In this case you have to grin and bear it. You absolutely cannot spend time at places where you think you might run into your ex. This desperation will make you appear less attractive to him or her. As you are absent. Also. by avoiding her properly. Sometimes you can’t take that break away because you take classes together or really do share the same exclusive circle of friends. And it’s just as important to avoid running into your ex online. you are giving yourself a chance to calm down and deal with any emotional issues that may come up. it is up to you to make sure that you can control your emotions and not create the bad situations. it becomes very difficult for her to build a case against you. If the two of you always went to the same bar on Saturday nights. fear. there’s a good chance that your true feelings will come out including your neediness. Another very important aspect of all of this is that if he or she doesn’t see you. and sadness. As you become more relaxed you will think more clearly and make better decisions. If you used to communicate through an instant messenger service such as AIM or Yahoo – take her off your buddy list. then you must change your routine. he or she will look like a fool to complain about you. What If You Must Be Together? If you both work together at the same place of employment.

You don’t want to make it intolerable for your friends and colleagues. If you completely ignore him or her you can make it worse. 21 .“Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.” Watch out for this type of oversimplification. you’ll hear those famous words . be courteous and say hello. “They always come crawling back!” Of course in this case there may be no acknowledgement that you are actually the one who is crawling. It is important to be graceful yet firm about not wanting to talk to your ex in these situations. Bad advice like this can cost you the ability to see the big picture. Watch Out for Bad Advice During a break up. “Just apologize and invite her over here for dinner tonight and it will all be okay. You want to smile. you’ll notice that everyone you know you will be full of advice. Eventually.” This is usually what is said when you take all that bad advice and your ex seems further away from you than ever. This statement is deliberately designed to have you ignore the consequences of your actions over the long term. and willing to do anything to get her back! Your mom or sister will say. You want to be calm and cool even if you are feeling really upset inside. “Hey.In these types of circumstances where avoidance is impossible then you want to be friendly. Your friends will say. The next one you find will be so much better” or maybe. he or she was no good for you anyway. This is for everybody’s sake but especially your own as it means going through a very important maturing process that will make you more attractive to your ex in the end. However do not allow the lines of deep communication to be opened up again.

People will be hurling advice at you everywhere you turn. The bad news is that there is not a lot you can do to prevent this from happening. most of this advice will be contradictory. Deal With Your Biggest Fear For most people the fear is that their ex is sleeping with someone else. First off. you are creating a recipe for disaster. By doing this. you are making yourself look needy and desperate (at the very least) and risk having more jealous fights that will increase their negativity towards you. The second scenario is that they are sleeping with someone that he or she really likes in an effort to progress a new relationship. There are a couple of scenarios that might apply in this case. Unfortunately. So what should you do about this situation? Don’t stick around and continue to chase your ex as if the other person were not in the way. 22 . The good news is that handling it properly is easier than you might think. It may not be about a relationship at all so you need to fight off those feelings that you have been replaced. Once someone gets confused by bad advice about what to do during a breakup. they will usually start to make random decisions about how to get their partner back instead of sticking to a clear cut plan that they laid out from the start. and some of it will encourage you to contact the ex which is the worst thing that you can do. This situation can pose a problem if you are not prepared to handle it. It is likely more about boosting self-esteem and getting over you by replacing physical memories of you with new ones. If you don’t take time to act strategically with a cool head. he or she might be sleeping with someone else because it is comforting.

so control yourself. Why not use your body and then discard you if it is all over anyway? So when is the right time to have sex with your ex? Stick by the prescribed schedule. Distance Prevents Closure 23 . Distance will also prevent you from doing or saying things that might make the situation worse simply because you feel jealous. You simply cannot afford to have your ex’s mind associating you with any negative imagery or phrases that he or she can run over again and again in their minds.The problem is that he or she has likely seen only great behavior from the new lover so far and all he or she is remembering about you is all the fights you just had when you were breaking up. bitterness. Often the same passions that are fueling the desire for sex are also fueling the resentments. Sometimes your ex is only having sex with you because they feel sorry for you or simply because they need to have some physical comfort from someone. In fact it is often a sign that you are about to break up for good as in the proverbial good-bye send-off. Sex with Your Ex is a Bad Idea Sometimes the two of you just can’t keep apart! Your ex might call you up and offer you sex. and jealousy that are tearing you apart in the first place. Is this actually a good sign? The answer is no. but you might also suddenly find yourself in the position to be able to negotiate the relationship on your own terms. it might as well be you. Wait that thirty days and he or she will not only be really crazy about you. If you are game. It is a mistake to think that sex with your ex means that you are together.

after achieving closure he or she will be able to move on without acknowledging that you exist. Avoid creating the indifference and disgust that closure brings by making yourself scarce for the recommended month. During these fights. most of that time will probably be spent fighting and arguing. You need to avoid contact to avoid closure. Take Time to Heal Taking time away from ex is really crucial because you need this time off to plan your strategy for getting your ex back. This isn’t as easy as it seems because exes will go out of their way to obtain closure and others will outright demand it so they can move on with their lives. However. you can get back with an ex even years after the breakup. he or she is still showing that she cares. because consistent contact leads to consistent negativity. It occurs when a person has finally accepted the fact that their relationship is over for good and has decided to move on with their life. Right now you are focused on feelings of 24 . when your ex lover is angry and possibly trying to hurt you in some way. This is a deadly state of mind for your ex to be in because it leads her to the acceptance stage in the mourning process which in turn can lead to the possibility of the two of you never getting back together. and it is at this point that the closure process begins. This is obviously the last thing you want to have happen. one person will eventually get fed up. After fighting and arguing for some time. As long as closure never happens. If you continue to have contact with your ex after the break up.Closure is a state of psychological completion which occurs after everything is said and done.

25 . This will create respect for you.rejection. loneliness and hurt. You can think with your head instead of your emotions 3. This is why you must watch out for you initial impulse which is to keep in constant contact with the ex. First of all. Giving each other distance accomplishes these three main things – 1. but during those first days when the wounds are fresh you may have a really hard time trying to figure out what needs to change. he or she needs time to miss you. They can’t miss you if you won’t leave them alone. The thing is that there may be a very specific reason why the relationship ended. He or she might only just become annoyed or irritated. Your ex will begin to miss you! Making Good Use of This Time When most people break up they don’t know what to do with themselves. and your judgment is off. This is where that phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” comes from. Another bonus is that you will appear mature and less insecure if you can manage to keep your distance from him or her. Respect for you 2. You will be focusing too much on your own feelings to be objective. Think of it as a reward and not a punishment. The other person was their touchstone in life. You need to cool off from the emotions that always accompany any kind of romantic breakup. Giving yourself time away from your ex is a gift that will allow you to accomplish reconciliation in the end.

In fact you could end up forgetting about your ex altogether if that happens as that is actually one of the best ways to meet someone new.If you are not spending time with your partner you need to occupy yourself by doing something else. Focus on Your Career 26 . Otherwise hiking. The worst that can happen is that you end up meeting someone who has the same interests as you. Spend Time with Old Friends Take this time to catch up on old times with friends and family. taking pictures or playing an instrument can give you time to reconnect with your own ambitions. This is a good distraction from your feelings as long as you keep the focus of the conversations off of your terrible romantic break up and talk about something positive. There is no better way to take your mind off of relationship pain or to prevent the obsession that can sometimes set in after a break up. Focus on a Favorite Hobby Is there a hobby you enjoy that you’ve neglected? Try getting back into it. Here are some ideas for making that month when you are not with your ex productive. The point is to use your friends as a way of distracting yourself from thinking about your ex and not as a therapist.

Is there an area of your career you’ve been neglecting? Now is the perfect time to put in a few extra hours at the office. You do not have to become a workaholic but working on your career can definitely help you feel better about yourself and raise your self esteem.

Behaviors to Avoid
It is easy to become depressed after a break up. It is very normal to feel blue or fall into a fit of despair. Here are some behaviors that can lead to or encourage depression. You definitely need to avoid – • • • • • • Sleeping all day Isolating yourself from friends Drowning yourself in alcohol or recreational drugs Talking continuously about your break up Making any major life decisions Calling in sick to work

While it might be tempting to hole up in your bed watching television all day, you need to continue to live your life. Make sure to wake up early, get lots of exercise and make it to work on time. Fill your day with those things you enjoy.

The Fast Forward Technique
Having problems getting over the pain of the break up? Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a way to “fast forward” past the pain, just as if you were pressing a button on a DVD player?
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The fact is that you are in control of your emotions and that you can practice a coping method called the Fast Forward Technique for managing your emotions to help you get over the pain of emotional loss. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel if you perform this technique at least three times a day. STEP 1 Feel the emotion and notice how and where you feel it. For example many people feel emotional hurt in their chest or heart (that is why it is called heart break). Some people feel like they have been punched in the stomach. Now just focus on what exactly you are feeling and ask yourself silently or aloud the following… Can I allow this feeling? Or… Can I welcome this feeling? And then answer. It doesn’t matter if the answer is a Yes or No. STEP 2 Ask “Could I let this feeling go?” Again, a Yes or No to yourself is fine. STEP 3 Ask “Can I give myself permission to let this feeling go?” STEP 4 Ask “When?” STEP 5
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Examine the feeling again and try to decide if you feel some kind of shift. You may feel calmer or more removed. Most people feel soothed and comforted after this because they feel more in control. They realize that they do not have to be caught full time in some kind of drama. You can use this technique to deal with all kinds of things which include, quitting smoking, compulsive eating, writer’s block, grief, and recovering from arguments.

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You can either choose to reconcile or move on. You are not a loser. In real life. If this is so then you need to pinpoint the issue or issues that are separating you two and deal with them. Both choices are the right choices in life. We either see only good or only bad.CHAPTER 3: REMOVING WHAT SEPARATES YOU In this chapter we are going to discuss removing the emotional issues and blocks that might be separating the two of you from each other. What Went Wrong? First of all you need to figure out where you went wrong. Keep in mind that when we are hurt we all tend to think in black and white terms. if you are reading this book. everything is a mix and when it comes to human behavior and emotions there are many shades of gray. You may need to search more in this lifetime for someone who is right for you. These include the envy. jealousy. You need to remove your emotions from the facts and take some time to review the great times as well as the lowest times of your relationship. There is nothing wrong or shameful in moving on. It is critical to think about the way the two of you where in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship as that is what you must do in order to keep the romance alive. you probably want to get back together with your ex. It is time to take a step back and examine your relationship. It happens all the time. The fact is this – your relationship is over for now. 30 . and resentments that may be festering in your mind. However.

The things that caused you to fall in love in the first place often get buried beneath a mess of chores and obligations. and what was appealing about you to him or her.” What do you think it was about yourself that first attracted your partner’s eye? Was it any of the things listed below? Did you – • • • • • • • • • • • Both love long walks in nature Love to read Like to travel Like to exercise Enjoy the same movies Like sports Enjoy talking for hours Have the same taste in music Like the same restaurants and clubs Have the same ideas about building a future? Want to get rich? 31 . Looking At the Positives Most of the time romances go stale because the two of you let the daily grind of life suck the romance out of the relationship. You need to pull yourself up out of chaos that was created and decide to resurrect those qualities that made you part of a couple in the first place. Things probably got stale and dull.First of all. This means reminiscing about the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship because that is the kind of behavior you have to return to in order to get the person back. This is called “looking at the positives in your relationship. it helps to figure out what it was that you found appealing about the person in the first place.

took the other person for granted and started abusing the very thing that you loved the most. Then you became complacent. What is it that made you fall in love? Write down ten things right now that you had in common that made the two of you fall in love. _________________________ 8. _________________________ 32 . _________________________ 4. _________________________ 6.• Like kinky sex • Want to have or adopt children? • Share the same moral and spiritual beliefs? Was there anything besides what is on this list that made you enjoy spending item with one another? In the beginning of a relationship you want to think about the other person constantly. 1. _________________________ 2. That is how you ended up splitting up in the first place. _________________________ 5. What kinds of things were you thinking about when you first met your partner? What was that helped build foundation in your relationship. _________________________ 7. _________________________ 3.

9. the two of you can be reunited. you need to objectively look at what might be causing all of this. It is the cons in the relationship that built up to the point where the two of you actually had to split. Take every negative thing that happened and rephrase it so it is more courteous. _________________________ 10._________________________ Looking at the Negatives Looking at the negative things in your relationship is going to help you create a strategy. Here are some examples: • • • • • We had different ideas about commitment He was ready to settle down but I wasn’t Our morals were different Our spiritual beliefs were different We had nothing in common 33 . What are the problems that you had in your relationship? Resist the urge to be insulting or bring your feelings into it. Either way. However. For instance. saying that she was a bitch or that he was a man slut is not going to help you heal. before this can happen. Like anything in life you should look at the pros and cons. This helps you be more objective. Sometimes it is caused by a buildup of smaller issues that build up until one last straw breaks the camel’s back. Sometimes a break up is caused by one large deal breaking issue.

About Infidelity When it comes to infidelity there might be a few things that you need to think about. ever. Was there a reason that your partner was dissatisfied and chose to look elsewhere to meet his or her sexual and emotional needs? Were you too busy to have sex? Did you let yourself go? Were you critical of the other person’s appearance? Be honest and accurate in your assessment of what went wrong. obsessive compulsives and manic depressives. in your life. It is not always your fault. coke addicts. The world is full of alcoholics. Instead resolve these things to do better the second time around. but these disorders do mean that you will never be able to trust the individual.• • • • We had different ideas about having children Our values were not the same There was a lack of physical attraction One of us was unfaithful This is only a partial list of what can go wrong in a relationship and you can add to this list if you need to in order to make sure that you have listed all the cons. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Determine what role you had to play in driving him or her away and accept that it might have been your fault. You need to be accountable and figure out if there was anything that you did to cause the problem. Some people are out of control. Infidelity is not always about some deficit in your ability to meet the partner’s needs. First of all cheating does not happen overnight. In that event do you have enough unconditional love within you in order to withstand actually continuing a relationship with a sick individual who may always 34 . sex addicts.

We all have initial feelings of regret after a break up. shame and neglect going to suit you for the rest of your life? These are big questions that you need to ask yourself. Rationalizations about Break Ups When we break up with people we tend to rationalize events and tell ourselves lies. Why Do You Want Your Ex Back? Now that you’ve looked at some of the pros and cons about your breakup as objectively as possible. This list should help you make a wise and discerning decision. take some time to review your list. or if you want to remove or add any things to help maintain a balance and objective view of what really happened. but are your reasons solid enough to justify returning to the same person? You are about to put a lot of time and energy into a reunion so make sure it is what you want.be unfaithful because he or she can’t help it? Is this type of uncertainty. what do you feel? Are you getting in touch with why you may or may not want your ex back. It is because we regret the break up. Here is an example of the kinds of things that we tell ourselves -- 35 . you might want to take a second look at this list to see if you still want to get back together with your ex. When reviewing it. It is time to get some perspective. Over the next month while you reassess your relationship.

Good Reasons to Reunite Now that we have gone over some of the fantasies that people have about getting back together with their exes. You don’t need anybody to be happy. but it is also good to realize that they are also false. They learn to stand on their own two feet and be happy alone. including your ex. You will not die if you do not get together with your ex. They learn that they do not need to be codependent to feel fulfilled. It is normal to feel any of the statements above. If your partner was your whole life. It is okay to move on and have more experiences with other people if you need to. it is time to look at some of the good reasons to get back together. First of all people do go on and thrive after a break up and often they do meet someone better. then you need to get your own life. If you keep thinking that you are incomplete unless you are in a relationship then you will have problems with your ex or any new romances that you might have in the future.• • • • • • • I can’t go on without him He was my everything Without her I have no life I will never find anyone better She was the best thing that ever happened to me I can’t stand to be alone I can change him! These types of statements are often false. The truth is that you have to make sure that you are okay with yourself before you can be with anyone. 36 .

For example. This is all in an effort to play up to what they think the partner wants to see and hear. If you’re seeking perfection in your partner. Do you and your ex generally want the same things? Is it possible that you can accept some of his or her negative qualities in order to have the big picture of what you want? Sometimes relationship success is about compromise. Will Things Ever Be the Same? “Will things ever be the same” if you do get back together? The point is that you do not want them to be the same as that is what broke you up in the first place. People get accustomed to playing certain roles and find it hard to deviate from their original one for long. a breakup will cause a person to change their entire character (the way they act and behave in a relationship) to something completely different in order to get their lover to come back. they will quickly revert back to their old character again. Are your expectations realistic? Did you break up because you expected your partner to be perfect? Don’t throw away your relationship because he or she could not live up to some ideal. a person who was previously a book worm might become a sex bomb. All relationships have ups and downs. you may end up alone and bitter – because we all have faults. Maybe you haven’t really tried to solve the entire problem... 37 . For instance. If you were happy most of the time you were together it might be a good idea not to throw it all away. was the decision to break up a rash decision? You might have decided to break up as the result of a specific problem. A lot of times. But what almost always happens is the second they get the relationship back.

In fact if you want your ex back. Are you willing to make those changes to your own character so that you can live up to someone else’s ideals? 38 . The point is that change is good but don’t try to be somebody that you are not.This kind of behavior change usually causes uneasiness and an eventual break up. Do you have it? The other big rule of relationships is that you cannot change the other person. Change takes patience. You can have dynamic moments that assist you in adjusting your behaviors. It would be wonderful if it was just a matter of snapping your fingers and suddenly your relationship was loving instead of hateful. Making Effective Changes The most effective changes are usually big changes. It is also impossible for your ex to change overnight. However overall it is impossible to change yourself to please another. The plain fact is that you cannot change yourself overnight. You can only change yourself. Nobody goes from being the Wicked Witch of the West to the Good Fairy just because you imagine it so or because it is your ideal. the key words to making it work might be unconditional love and compromise not idealism and noble retribution. Sticking to a solid plan (like the one I’ve laid out for you) will help ensure that your ex returns with even more love and respect for you than before.

Reassessing Your Goals You need to look at your goals in life and those that you’re ex holds dear. The same ex that was telling you how they could not live without you is telling you one week later that they hate you. They are not opposites. It will give you more of a cooling off time so you can determine if you really want to get back together or if you are actually ready to see each other. Are you mourning the loss of a person or the fleshy equivalent of a security blanket.” Sometimes fear of the unknown is what makes you want to stay with your ex. That is evidence of passion and evidence that you might still be able to get back together. That is how thin that line is. and ask if they are synchronous. It does not hurt to see other people when you are breaking up with your ex. rather than go with The Devil You Don’t. If not. a reunion with your ex might just take you down a long road of misery and unhappiness in which what you really want is always sacrificed for someone else’s needs. Love and Hate Have Equal Weight There is a fine line between love and hate and in relationships they have equal weight. This distinction can really help you accurately assess where you stand and how hard it might be to get your ex back into your life. The opposite of love is complete indifference. You need to look at your relationship with a super sharp critical eye and decide if it’s what you really want and need for your future. Is your ex the person of your dreams or is this all about “not losing” in life? You have probably heard that phrase “it is better to stay with the Devil You Know. 39 .

It’s also the first step toward getting back into love.Indifference means the person is just not there for you emotionally any more. formulate a plan. Twelve Ways to Blow It When you break up you are in mental pain which means it is easy to blow your attempts to reconcile by doing ANY of the things below.” Reward only those behaviors you want more of and ignore those that you want to go way. If you’ve decided that your relationship is worth fighting for. Stop calling. Once you’ve been able to achieve reconciliation. you’ll also learn some strategies for protecting your relationship from further breakups. 1. the very act of breaking up with you is faulty conduct and by being kind you are showing that you approve of it. 2. Being too understanding. Failing to stay away. distance from your ex is absolutely required or everything else you do will fail. Never tell your ex things like “I will wait for you. open the lines of communication with your ex. then please continue to read this book. In the following chapters. you’ll learn how to take care of yourself. and get back together. stop talking to mutual friends and avoid seeing him or her in person. Obviously. The passion is gone and it might be harder to get together. While it may seem wrong. 40 . Taking care of yourself is the first step to taking care of your relationship.

When you are in pain your self-esteem is low and you don to feel well. 8. Not being in control of your emotions. Your ex will feel more jealous of you if you are dating. Losing your temper. 6. including your anger. Never underestimate the power of jealousy. 5. Not having a detailed plan. If someone knows how to push your buttons they also know how to manipulate you. You make emotional mistakes and risk presenting yourself to your ex in a light that is not quite accurate. 7. it makes you really powerful. The best case scenario is if you keep it a secret and she finds out through other sources.3. Showing neediness is one of the biggest killers of attraction and must be avoided at all costs. The only time you should bring up your exploits in conversation is if you are asked directly by your ex. Refusing to date other people. is another major mistake. If you don’t flaunt it. 4. Acting too needy. Not having a strategy to deal with emotional pain. To get your ex back you must be in control of your emotional state and be the one who chooses which emotions you display and at which times. 41 . Bending over backwards to get your lover back. A plan helps you stay consistent with your original intent. Without a detailed plan for getting your ex back other people and your emotions can cloud your judgment. Being sweet as pie often gets you eaten alive! If he or she takes you back you will have no power in the relationship and be taken for granted.

Allowing yourself to stay “stuck”. One of the most important things in life is to be decisive and have a strong sense of purpose. 42 . 11. When you do go out don’t obsess about your ex to your friends or they will eventually get tired of it and not ask you out. Assume the worst reason you can think of. Giving your ex ultimatums. If you don’t try to either move on or get back with your ex you will be stagnate.9. Isolating yourself. You can end up obsessing over your lost love for years. In fact. 12. and in the end they rarely ever work. you end up having to deal with consequences that you were previously threatened with. The whole point of going out is to meet new or old friends and get your mind off of him or her. financially and spiritually. Problems start when you begin to use ultimatums to manipulate unwanted behavior. Ultimatums trap you. Being stuck can be devastating emotionally. He or she does not want to hurt you. Your ex may never tell you the real reason for breaking up with you. Failure to maintain a social network can keep you waiting inside your house for weeks waiting for an ex to call. 10.Believing what your ex tells you about why you broke up.

thinking. The changes in brain chemistry can make you feel very depressed because you literally are in withdrawal from your ex! 43 . You need to go back to the initial phases of attraction and romance to renew your feelings of desirability and confidence. In essence. It is about being the best you can be. You need to understand how a breakup can easily cause your emotions to spiral as your body becomes sapped by stomach-churning stress chemicals. but you do have to put time and energy into taking care of your looks and health. It is not about becoming perfect. This is harder to do when you are feeling miserable because of a break up but these few very simple steps can bring you back into a happy and health frame of mind. Others are attracted to those who put themselves first and who have high self-esteem. You can look worse than you ever have in your whole life. your body starts behaving like it is coming down off a drug (your relationship) which creates the kind of massive withdrawal that a user of morphine or heroin might experience. This means putting yourself first. This is why after a breakup you can look bad. Think of who you are more attracted to – someone who puts their best face forward or someone who could not care less? You don’t have to look like Brad Pitt or Carmen Electra to attract a mate.CHAPTER 4: RELIGHTING THE FLAME After a break up it is your job to make yourself more desirable. and even speaking quickly become second to seeing your ex when these stimulating chemicals are surging through your system. sleeping. Simple normal things like eating.

It brings good people to you. When you take care of you. a great vibe goes out that nobody can see but everyone feels.In order to attract your ex back you have to take these essential first steps towards improving yourself. Abraham Maslow did many studies on human mating and what happens to us psychologically when we fall in and out of love. smell. and speak differently. you are not trapped in the same pattern where the ex associates you with unpleasantness. Your ex needs to see you in a different light and if you change your appearance for the better then you do not remind them so much of the bad experiences of the past. mentally. The increased self confidences helps make you look and feel very attractive. Try to look. Even the subtlest change in appearance is crucial because it can help you break your toxic patterns with your ex. That way when you do contact your ex again. jealousy and even hate. Maslow was an evolutionary biologist which is an area of study that is a lot about what makes you and I tick. The psychologist. Studies show that people link bad feelings to the tangible features of the other person and just seeing them can bring up toxic emotions like resentment. If you want your ex to lose negative thoughts. How A Break Up Affects Every Part of You There are interesting reasons why a breakup can be so absolutely devastating to you physically. you can change your appearance. It is symbolic of your personal transformation and the desire not to be the person you used to be. After observing and studying primates early in his 44 . and emotionally. Not only does changing your appearance for the better help your ex forget the past but the improvement in your appearance acts as a potent aphrodisiac.

to excrete waste. the human need for food. air and water happens to be more important than the need for protection and security. The physiological needs These include the need for food. The love and belonging needs 45 . For example. if you were stuck in a desert with the hot sun blaring down on you. 1989) which lays out five levels of human needs in order of importance. The safety and security needs When the first set of needs is taken care of the second set becomes a priority. For instance. Things like a good retirement plan and living in a safe neighborhood are in this category. This set consists of shelter. No wonder some of us prefer to have sex rather than eat) 2. Maslow discovered that some biological needs take precedence over others. chances are high that finding shade would be a major priority. protection and safety. to avoid pain and to have sex.” (Maslow. to rest. air. vitamins. water. (Notice that sex is right up at the top of this list! No wonder your ex seems so important to you. However if you spill your bottle of water than that will be higher on your to do list than seeking out shade. They are as follows: 1. (This could also explain why so many women give up money and homes for an ex – material goods are second to the need for sex which is number one on Maslow’s list.career.) 3. as well as the need to be active. Maslow published the famous “Hierarchy of Needs Theory.

you might experience a loss in your life and yearn to seek out change. Maslow uses a good metaphor for why relationships become so important to us after we have lost them. you start to become aware of the need to love and be loved. He compares it to thirst. it’s safe to say that we definitely start feeling something because it is under threat of being taken away from us. According to Maslow. independence and freedom. The bad news is that our relationship may now seem stale in comparison to how it used to be simply because the intensity of our feelings has diminished. After drinking enough water we experience gratification as thirst disappears and fluids no longer seem important to us. have children. if these levels are not fulfilled. who invented this hierarchy of needs.When the first two levels are mostly taken care of. when our relationship is threatened in some way. The esteem needs The next level is where we begin to look for self-esteem and respect. After being in a relationship for a while we start to take it for granted in much the same way. fame. have friends and maybe even become part of a community. Many people will even mistake this to be an indication that they are no longer in love. 4. 46 . However. acceptance. as well as self-respect in the form of confidence. recognition. We no longer feel the happiness and bliss that we originally experienced. We look for the respect of others in the form of status. The emotional drop helps us switch your primary focus from our relationship to the acquisition of other goals in life such as getting rich. mastery. have a relationship.

even a simple task like concentrating on your job becomes labor. Most people. and loss.” Anytime you feel a deficit in a survival needs category. you will start to notice a major difference in how you used to feel now that you have been removed from your emotional comfort zone. all of which is nature’s way to motivate you to fix your relationship or start a new one. your thoughts keep going back to the problem of the lost love to the point where focusing on anything else can seem impossible. Now once these four lower level categories are mostly satisfied. A similar thing happens after a breakup. No matter how hard you try. anxiety. if they thought about it. What they really want is to have their relationship back exactly the way it was before the problems started so that sex is truly fulfilling emotionally. you can see how a relationship can cause such tremendous pain and anxiety. This can create a combined sense of panic.When things are going well. even when our relationships are satisfying in every other way. Our sexual urges can be powerful enough for us to cheat on our partners. would realize that they don’t just want there to change her mind and take them back. most of us will be unaware of feeling content until the situation changes. And since your brain views your emotional survival to be almost as important as your physical survival. You are not consciously aware of it until you are uncomfortable. It is like the temperature in a room. Change Your Body 47 . you can reach the final level that Maslow calls. “self-actualization. your mind will tend to focus most of its resources on filling that void. During a difficult breakup. Soon after your relationship is over. sadness.

If not. Exercising does not really have to cost a dime. You need to fight these types of instincts. Some people can’t get motivated to exercise and they may not feel like moving around much but that is one sure way to get fat and unattractive. That’s because a split can often leave you feeling drained. When you exercise your body creates hormones called endorphins. there are many activities you can do that don’t require a lot of extra money or equipment. These chemicals are natural pain relievers that help you feel good. They lie around in bed and fill their body full of junk food. When your body is healthy you look better and have more energy. You need to get into a routine of exercising at least 30-45 minutes every day. 48 . This helps keep you in better shape mentally as well. If you already have a gym membership – start using it. This means exercise. get you sweating and improve your mood. Get Moving If you want to have a sexy body you need to get moving. Every topic addressed in this chapter is designed to give you more energy. Activities you can do on your own include -• • • • • Walking Jogging Rollerblading Biking Swimming These activities get your heart rate up.When it comes to making a change that will have some impact. A lot of people get depressed after a break up. the first place to start is your body.

it may help motivate you even more. There are many activities that are great for you and an exercise buddy. If you have a close friend – or even acquaintance – who would like to work out. They’ll help you to =walk taller and be more confident. it helps to find an exercise buddy. These include – • • • • • • • • • • • Biking Hiking Jogging Running Taking long walks Basketball Tennis Racquetball Rollerblading Aqua fit Swimming 49 . Finding a buddy can also help you to get into gear. These should be used to supplement the more aerobic activities you participate in every day. If you are finding it hard to get it going sometimes.Other exercises that are good for helping you to relax and stay strong are – • • • • Stretching Weight Training Yoga Pilates Performed correctly these exercises will help to improve your strength.

Don’t Eat “Break Up Foods” People who hurt tend to eat fatty. A lot of people want to eat healthy foods but they do not know what foods are the absolute best. People who hurt tend to eat more and also eat foods that are not good for them. 50 . sugary and over salted foods. These are called break up foods and they include – • • • • • • • • • • Ice cream Cakes Cookies Chocolate Sodas Deep fried foods Chinese food Fast food burgers French Fries Potato chips These foods provide us with a temporary sense of comfort but in the end they make you feel and look even worse. and about gaining the confidence you need to attract the love of your life. It is about being the best you possible. It comforts us. You just need to follow the guidelines that are explained here. In general you do not have to head to the nearest weight loss program center to lose weight.Remember that exercise is not about punishing yourself. There are many detailed and very good books about eating right in the bookstores that can help guide you to eating better.

You should also limit servings of red meat to once a week. Eating yogurt and drinking milk can also be good for keeping you emotionally balanced because protein keeps your energy and brain chemistry normal. The more colorful the fruits and vegetables are the more they can provide you with antioxidants which help keep you looking young and beautiful. The fat that is found in nuts is good for your heart and brain and helps regulate your brain chemistry so you do act irrationally or become prone to mood swings. This gives you stamina and also levels out your emotions.Protein You need to eat plenty of protein to help fuel your muscles and brain. 51 . People who eat enough protein are less vulnerable to mood swings. Fruits and Vegetables Produce provides us with fiber and vitamins. Good sources of protein include – • • • • • • • • • • Pork Beef Chicken Turkey Eggs Beans Yogurt Milk Cheese Nuts When you eat protein from meat you need to make sure you are getting it from high quality lean cuts of meat.

Every time you sit down to eat you need to see at least four different colors on your plate. Be adventurous and try to eat something at least once a week that you’ve never had before. Eat Good Fat 52 . This ensures that you are getting all of the nutritional factors that you need to stay balanced and to have enough energy to cope with the moods and emotions that you might be feeling after a breakup. When it comes to produce you literally have hundreds of choices. Unsealed and beneficial fruits that you can eat include – • • • • • • pomegranate pineapple strawberries kumquat Cherries Grapes Vegetables that you can eat include -• • • • • • • • • Squash Peppers Beets Greens Cabbage Leeks Pumpkin Mushrooms Tomatoes You can also get plenty of recipes online. You don’t have to be stuck in a rut when it comes to eating fruits and vegetables.

This will keep you from overeating and help you replace the fluids you’ve lost from all that exercising. fries and shake. These unsaturated fats can actually make your heart healthier. Fat is something your body really needs and you need it to support your mental health as well as supply you with enough energy. Drinking water also helps to prevent headaches. These are bad fats. you might need to drink even more than that. The fatty acids that can be found in flaxseed and fish oil can also improve your mood. Instead of living on soda and coffee. If you’re working out a lot. fish oil and nuts. Good fats that help feed your brain and skin are found in flax seed oil. as we do after a break up. How much is enough? You need about 64 ounces of water a day.If you did not eat any fat at all you would not look good at all. we tend to stuff ourselves with the kind of bad fat that comes from consuming a double cheeseburger. helps your joints feel better. These things will help you look and feel better so that you can be more energetic and more attractive as well. That’s the equivalent of 8 small glasses. and keeps you from getting bloated. Water for Health The last major step you need to take to eat right is to keep your body hydrated. Eating a few servings of these oils a day even has an antidepressant effect. try drinking water. Unfortunately when we feel low. 53 . You can simply add these oils to salad dressing or take them as supplements.

or hate. There are many techniques for helping you practice mental hygiene so that your thoughts are always straight and not colored by jealousy. resentment. This can prevent you from expressing it inappropriately or publically. 54 . Writing about your relationship can help lead you to realizations about it. You can be more objective about what went wrong and what went right in the relationship. There are things that you can do to keep it from becoming unbalanced. Write It Down Writing your feelings down is a form of release that gives you permission to name them and experience them in a safe way that does not harm others. It can also help you understand why you might want to get back together with your ex. If you are serious about getting your mind in shape then you have to get serious about taking care of your mental health. If you do not know how to begin then start writing your thoughts down like they were a letter to a good friend. It also prevents obsession with an ex.Getting Your Mind in Shape Getting your mind in good shape is the first step to excellent health. The need to pour your heart out about how bad you feel about the break up can usually get your creative juices flowing. It is good to buy a journal or spiral notebook to jot things in it twice a day. It gives you clarity about what you are really bothered about and helps you to move on. Journals can also be a place in which you can safely confide feelings of regret. Unbalanced minds create toxic thoughts and strange behaviors.

Turn to Your Friends In times of crisis your friends are usually there for you. If you are feeling lonely call up your pals and make plans to go out to dinner. You do not have to be a great writer as it is meant for nobody else’s eyes but your own.Journaling is not for everyone but it’s a good idea to try it before you decide that it is ineffective for you. This helps you release hurt and frustrations that may have built up during the day. Signs you need professional help are – • Obsessing continuously all day long • Talking about your ex all day long • Everything reminds you of your ex 55 . It is recommended that you write in your journal twice a day – once in the morning and once at night. Friends can also be good distractions if you are feeling lonely and they can remind you of how to have fun again. go shopping or do whatever it is that can help you have fun again. You do not have to spend all of your time crying in your beer about your loss. See Someone If you are really having problems handling your emotions then it might be time for you to see someone. However they can lend an ear when you are feeling low.

Avoid Self Medicating Self-medication is the polite term for eating or drinking too much. However when people feel sad they drink or do drugs to ward off the feelings of panic and desperation they were feeling. In essence the therapist can be used as a healing tool that can help you get over the toxic feelings that you are experiencing faster. Sometimes it helps to forget yourself and your emotional burdens and do things you enjoy. It helps to make alit of your favorite activities and do at least one of them every day. The only downside is that seeing a good therapist can cost you and you might want to shop around for one that fits with you well. This helps to ease feelings of panic and desperation and also helps you to be a little lighter in terms of your personality. Sometimes writing too much about your feelings or talking too much about them keeps you dwelling on the past. 56 . Try Being Shallow Being shallow means having fun.• • • • • Giving your ex all the power to make you happy or sad Thoughts of your ex exclude all other thoughts Your breakup is interfering with your work or ability to survive You are actively stalking your ex You feel very depressed It often helps to have an objective person to talk to even if you do not have any of the above symptoms.

First of all update your wardrobe. GQ or Esquire. and get a feel for what is in style. The alcohol poisoning and hangovers can also wreak havoc on your body. Give Yourself a Makeover Dressing more up to date can go a long way to making you look hot to your ex and also improve yourself esteem in general. Dentists will do it in 57 . As long as you feel good about what you are wearing you are in good shape. Try parting your hair differently or wearing it shorter or longer. Elle and other fashion magazines. Treat your mind and body with respect and your ex is more likely to do the same. It also helps here not to be too trendy. You have to decide what is more important – a night of being disassociated from your feelings or sticking to your long term goal of getting back with our ex. If you are a man get into some fashion magazines such as Details. Most people make the worst decisions under these circumstances. Women can do the same reading Cosmo. The worst effect however is how all of this can affect your judgment and your mood. Changing your hairstyle can also give you drastic but positive results. A tooth whitening also improves your appearance. That is when they have meaningless one night stands or drunk dial the ex.The problem is that recreational drinking or drug use only gives you a temporary lift and then you are more depressed than ever. Getting contact lenses or eye surgery can also help you look better than ever before. The result is fits of low self-esteem and even more emotional pain when you are rejected by your ex for being such an inappropriate emotionally messy freak.

It won’t be as painful as you think but usually there is an expense. You can also buy very effective tooth whitening kits in drug stores. 58 . However. Once you have put your health. Getting your skin problems fixed is also quite easy and usually you can see some kind of improvement within thirty days. as it is your smile that is used to attract others so it is worth it. beauty and makeover plan into action you will be amazed at the positive results it brings you.less than an hour using a laser. Dental work in general can always help improve your appearance especially if it is affecting your smile. not only in terms of your ex but also in terms of other areas of your life such as your career and social life.

To the ex it is going to mean you moved on. However you know that you haven’t. Are You Ready to Date? The main thing that prevents people from dating is the fear that their ex will give up on them if they know you are seeing someone else. Dating Takes Your Mind off Your Ex The other good thing about dating is that it makes you feel more confident and in control. Never underestimate the power of jealousy to motivate your ex into getting you back. However this is usually a good thing. Dating can perform many valuable functions for you including helping you realize that that you are still attractive and that you do have the choice to move on if you need to.CHAPTER 5: HOW DATING MAKES YOU DESIRABLE Dating other people is exactly what you need to realize that the breakup of our relationship is not the end of the world. If there is something between you and your ex left to salvage. Dating other people is a powerful. self-assured way to show you are not panicked or desperate. It is also a chance for you to have some fun while you are on that break from our ex. 59 . he or she will be very motivated to see you especially that you are dating.

60 . The fact that you are on a date is also life affirming. Instead. Now. You need to get over any phobias you have about dating and realize that it is not the big deal it used to be. or Mrs. When you take the first step of going out with someone else you show your ex that you’re not desperate or panicked. you may know that you haven’t really moved on.Even better. The most obvious place to look for a date is on the internet. Right. It helps prove to you that there is a life out there beyond your last relationship. There are dating sites based on everything nowadays. This is also like a Plan B if Plan A (getting back with your ex) does not work out. Our society proved many options for dating when you are freshly single including high tech dating. dating can completely distract you from your ex. you appear self-assured and strong. Also as you are technically on the “rebound” you don’t have to worry much about finding Mr. but your ex is in the dark. There are ones based on religion. Getting Back Into the Dating Game If you have been with your ex a long time you probably feel very nervous about meeting new people. Internet Dating Finding a date nowadays is as easy as typing in a few descriptions into a computer. Instead you can focus on extending your social circle and making new friendships. culture. and even your pet preferences.

This allows you to chat with many different people in a low pressure environment. The meetings are timed and you go in a circle so you can meet several people in a short time. If you don’t make a connection you have still had the opportunities. At this type of club you are scheduled for a dinner appointment. All you need to get started is a few digital pictures of yourself and an Internet connection. stick with the bigger sites as they can do the matching for you based on your personality profiles. You can also go into chat rooms to find people who are interested in the same things as you. The idea is that you have dates that last anywhere from two to five minutes so you can see if you have an initial attractions with someone. plus able to have an enjoyable meal.If you don’t know what you want. Dinner Dating Clubs Another great option for dating is a dinner club. Speed Dating Speed Dating is a contemporary and popular way to meet people. Get a Matchmaker 61 . Most major cities have companies that provide this type service and the events are staged in coffee shops and night clubs. If both of you are interested you can exchange numbers or arrange a date. Your odds of meeting someone are just that much greater.

Friends and family are all too happy to set you up with someone if you are not comfortable with high tech internet ways of getting a date or joining a dinner dating club. This can be difficult if you are busy or depressed. Here are some tips for an enjoyable evening. Do not tell your date that you are on the rebound. Some people enjoy being set up with others and some don’t. These dates should be with different people so you can meet a variety of potential partners. Make Dating Goals The thing about dating is that it is like a part time job. 62 . For one thing your new date does not have to know that you are just on a break from your ex. However it can be an effective way to meet someone because usually your friends have a good idea of who might be right for you. A good goal is to try and get on date a week while you are taking a break from your ex. Put your goals down on paper and try to stick to them. Dating Etiquette Once you are on a date there are some basic rules for considering your new date’s feelings. You need to set goals and set aside time for it or it is not going to happen.

Look at the difficulties that you might be experiencing with dating and imagine them having the same fears. • Dress to impress and behave like you are trying to impress your date. Don’t do this. It could even cause you to panic and try to contact your ex before the month is up. • Let loose and have fun. You will feel very upset but if you dial that phone you will look needy and desperate. You never know when you will make a great new friend or future lover. For instance if you are uncomfortable meetings someone new your ex probably is as well. 63 . Attempt to look at your ex’s experience in a different light. That is just part of dating If you’re Ex is Dating It can be upsetting to find out that your ex is dating too. The result will be that instead of drawing your ex closer. Don’t be depressed if you don’t meet anyone that suits you right away. • Let them know if you are not interested. You might really like the person you are dating and be open to a new relationship either now or in the future. Be candid yet kind. Try to have a good time and do not think about your ex. • Keep an open mind. Don’t string him or her along if it is not working out. you will be pushing him or her away.• Do not spend time talking about your ex – this should not be mentioned at all! • Focus on the person you are with and truly get to know him or her.

This should be a comforting percentage point for you to remember if you start feeling anxious that you will lose your ex to another relationship.Another good point is that any new person will not have your history. 64 . Also any new person has a good chance of only being a rebound relationship and not much else. Going on a few dates to gain self confidence and have fun is great but if you want long lasting commitment you need a strong connection. He or she will start to remember the good times and this will diminish the experience of any new people that your ex is dating. be glad that he or she is occupied in this way as it means that your ex will be all the more receptive to you when you do reach out for contact. Instead of worrying about your ex dating someone else. Rebound Relationships Rebound relationships can be problematic. In fact studies show that ninety percent of rebound relationships do not work out. When your ex dates even more distance is created between you. There are several reasons for this… • • • • You feel insecure as the result of your breakup You are desperate to know that others find you attractive You make rash and impulsive decisions because you are in a crisis You are willing to overlook major problems with a new date because you just want to move on While it might be tempting to immerse yourself immediately into another long term relationship it is probably not a good idea to do so.

The Escalation Process Dating others triggers the escalation process in your ex. As a result. they will begin to re-evaluate everything that he or she stands to lose. Escalating means he or she is finally motivated to act because they feel the pressure because it is apparent that you might be gone for good. This puts you and not you’re ex in the “should I call” limbo. If this happens and your thirty days is not up do not return the call. It usually goes like this – 65 . The process begins when it dawns on your ex that he or she still has feelings for you and that because you have become inaccessible the ex has been denied closure. This is the point at which you might actually get a call. your ex will feel the need to act immediately and it is this sense of urgency which causes them to escalate.If you do find that person just remember to take your time. Usually this results in additional escalation. In the next chapter we will talk about the process of finally reconnecting with your ex once your thirty days of makeovers and dating is over. It quite simply throws him or her off her game as what you are doing becomes the equivalent of a sensory deprivation tank. You are just out of a relationship and to avoid rebound with the new person you need to be careful that you do not make any rash decisions. because now you are becoming scarce with each second that goes by. In this state of panic. The escalation process is a series of increasingly dramatic behaviors your ex will act out in order to get your attention.

The ultimate result of all this is that your ex will be amazed at your ability to walk away. When he or she realizes that you are purposely ignoring them. Desperation starts to kick in and the calls will become more frequent. They will be more willing to jump and say “Yes” when you do finally make the call to make the big first date since the break up. You might even get a very long email that is an inventory of your character. Or your ex might try being sweet and flirtatious to get your attention.First you get a phone call and then if you don’t pick up you will get a voicemail. Or they may fabricate an emergency or crisis so they can get your attention again and you will be forced to see them. You can then usually expect your ex to start quizzing your friends about what is going on with you. Usually you can hear emotional panic and strain in your ex’s voice. This is discussed at length in the next chapter. he or she may try attacking or threatening you in order to get a response. Eight Delusions about Your Ex Here are the eight biggest delusions that you might have about not practicing avoidance with your ex. Hopefully the following give you insight into how your emotions may cloud your judgment. I Don’t Want to Be the Bad Guy 66 . If you don’t receive a response in a day or two your ex will start to wonder if you got the message and try again.

attack you verbally. especially when you listen to the panicked voicemails your ex will be leaving you as you ignore him or her for thirty days. putting them in this state of limbo is a necessary part of the process. Please keep in mind. Another tactic is for the ex to call you because he or she had a frightening dream or how they can’t eat.It’s understandable to feel guilty. However. It is a power struggle and you must not give in. My Ex Needs My Help Pity is no reason to break your decision to avoid your ex for those thirty days. The person may curse you out. however. Your ex is looking for the right button to push so you will phone and end the torture. that these are not real emergencies. If your ex does begin to panic and continues to leave messages. They are staged crises that are being used to elicit a predictable response from you in order to give them the contact that is sought after. or tell you that the two of you are over for good. It can be quite hard especially if you are the male and you see her crying. So don’t fall into any voicemail traps by putting too much stock in your ex’s words. no matter how miserable they sound on the phone. You need to be strong and not take the bait. It may take all of your will power not to call them back. This is usually when your ex stages a crisis. 67 . like a relative in the hospital or car problem so you have to come and help him or her. you will usually be able to discern a level of progression towards being angry with you. sleep or focus on anything without you.

I Need My Ex Sometimes you sabotage everything by making up your own crisis so you can get your ex back. not on finding some new mate to replace you. they will probably part with them only on the condition that you pick them up yourself so the two of you can “talk. We Need to Get Our Stuff You might have lived together or left stuff at each other’s places. then have your roommate or a friend drop it off. In that case that excuse becomes “She wants to come pick up her stuff. But be forewarned.” If your ex really wants their stuff back. he or she is also rationalizing that they must really care for you. Some lonely exes will go as far as to crash their cars on purpose to get the attention of an ex. even if you send someone over to fetch the things you left at the ex’s place. This kind of plan can backfire in your face when your ex makes some kind of lame excuse for not being there emotionally.” or “I need to go pick up my stuff. Make sure that you instruct them that they are not to speak to your ex about anything having to do with you or the breakup.Also. This is where you want their focus to be. This is an unconscious mechanism but it can still be catastrophic when it comes to getting your ex back. while the ex is stewing away.” Forget about these objects and possessions for now and move on or wait until those thirty days is up! 68 .

” Total avoidance is the best insurance you can have against your ex sleeping with someone new. You need to call this kind of bluff by ignoring him or her. you will always be thinking in the back of your mind about how your ex one upped you.. Pursuing other romantic possibilities is part of this entire relationship game. Otherwise.My Ex is having Sex with Someone Else “My ex is having sex with someone else and I can still prevent it” is a huge excuse for breaking the thirty days of no contact rule. and by disregarding them you are actually taking all the power away from the act of post relationship “infidelity. By showing any fear. you are giving the threat of him or her sleeping with someone else a tremendous amount of power. When you eventually get back together. no matter how much anxiety they may cause. when you get back together.. Still if your ex was attractive you can expect all kinds of vultures to swoop in and offer to be the new relationship under the guise of consoling him or her. Besides …if it is going to happen. you should automatically assume that your ex will be fooling around with other people and make it a priority to go be with other people too. there is nothing you can do about it! In fact. you need to keep distance between you. 69 . They are nothing but power tactics. which means you’ll never know for sure. This might seem pretty harsh. and you must accept that. Instead. your ex will probably avoid mentioning your ex’s flings. but it’s usually better for your sanity if you never find out what happened when you were apart. Remember that if your ex threatens this that it is not usually true.

It is much better that your ex finds out this type of thing from friends. You can always get back with your ex no matter how much time has passed provided you did not do something to destroy the attraction during the break up. Remember that absolute best way to prevent your ex from solidifying a relationship with a rebound guy is to avoid all contact. 70 . I Want to Boast to My Ex Lots of times we want to call our exes and brag about who we are seeing just to see if we can make them jealous. Although it seems like this would work for creating desire it is not a good idea that it comes from you. tell them that although you were dating someone. The thing is that this can provoke and shock your ex so much that he or she dresses up.Interrogating him or her for information will only lead to misery. Later on when you do meet the ex for the first time after the breakup. Also you look like less of a bragger. There tends to be less of a reaction if it comes from gossip. This is a misconception. If I Wait I Will Lose My Ex for Good The big fear is that if you wait you will lose your ex for good. no matter how difficult it may seem. that he or she was the one that you really wanted to be with all along. if they ask. goes to a bar and begins to try and find someone new that very evening. so do whatever you have to do to keep yourself under control.

71 .There is a fine line between making someone jealous enough to chase you or jealous enough to leave so be careful. If you did something like cheat it might be a good idea to express regret. Of course. as discussed earlier in this book. deep down the ex doesn’t really want to leave. than an apology and a promise to change might bring her back because that’s what she was after in the first place. Just don’t agree to apologize for something you did not do. However. the “tamed” version of you might not be as attractive in the long run. their respect and their interest. the real reason he or she is gone is because you lost their attraction. or merely threaten to. Unfortunately this is not the right place to focus your energy because. However. Usually the issues voiced will most likely have no correlation to the actual real reasons for dumping you. After listening to these seemingly valid explanations. the reasons he or she is leaving are rarely the real ones. you may end up convinced that a heartfelt apology and a promise to change will change their mind. If this is the case. in order to scare you into changing your behavior. All I Have to Do Is Say Sorry A lot of people think that all they have to do is say sorry and the ex will take them back. Sometimes an ex will break up with you. an apology is sometimes in order. Too bad it isn’t that easy! Usually your ex will have a litany of reasons for why he or she decided to leave in the first place. No matter what they tell you.

The upshot is that you need to wait past the thirty days if you are not in the mode where you feel you could move on if it did not work. self assured. Check Your Feelings First Everyone is different so no matter what this book suggests you need to check on how you really feel after the thirty days have passed. If you truly are desperate he or she will be able to pick up on it and you will become less appealing. This matters because your ex knows you very well. However if you do want to still reconnect with your ex then you should be feeling a little stronger. The distance should have toned down any feelings of panic or desperation that you were feeling after the first few days of the breakup. Some people check their feelings and then find that they do not miss their ex at all and that although they miss him or her they are having a better time without them. Your attitude should be that you are ready to move on no matter how it turns out with him or her.CHAPTER 6: EASING BACK INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP You should not be even contemplating doing anything that this chapter suggested until you have waited the thirty days that it takes to solidify your love. 72 . By now you are looking and feeling your best and hopefully your dalliances with other people have helped boost your self esteem. If you are feeling desperate or needy then you are not ready to start talking to your ex just yet. Otherwise you are just going to self-sabotage the reunion. and ready to have some fun.

Making First Contact You might think you can fake it but when you have a lot of history with someone it is hard to fake that you don’t care. It’s up to you to become aware of your past mistakes and make sure that you don’t fall into the same traps once you are back together with your ex. your body’s stress chemicals are to blame for how nervous you may feel about contacting your ex.If you’ve been properly avoiding them. No wonder you don’t feel that well! All of a sudden. your body has a chance to get its drug of choice back so it will flood you with adrenaline to make sure you’re prepared to get its favorite narcotic – love for your ex! 73 . Anticipation anxiety is extremely common all throughout the breakup process and of course taking this step is liable to make anyone nervous. However that is what you have to do in order to successfully call your ex with the intent of setting up a date. Many people are obsessed on achieving a positive outcome and dreading the disappointment of a complete and total rejection. confused and anxious for contact. You have just experienced a major withdrawal from the emotional states you used to experience with your ex and now you are about to become a love junkie again. they will be stressed. This is a perfectly normal reaction to the situation at hand. Once again. This means that you can now go back in and completely reconstruct the ground rules for your entire relationship. But more than anything. The good thing about all this is that things can be totally fresh and new and your relationship can be resurrected from the depths of alienation and despair. a major paradigm shift about what’s truly important in a relationship needs to take place in your mind for the reunion to work.

• Focus on fun and don’t bring up any unpleasant memories • Talk about things that are positive that are going on in your life • Bring up a memory about something pleasant that happened and talk about it. desperation or neediness. They are not associating their bad feelings with you anymore. than they will naturally start pushing for more time with you. highly concentrated yet carefully measured doses so your ex will be craving your company and want more. • While you’re talking to your ex.Once you know you can handle whatever emotional trial comes your way you are ready to contact your ex and hopefully welcome him or her back into your arms. don’t waste any time making that date to see him or her. Meeting for coffee or lunch is better than dinner. and you make them feel good. Your phone conversations should be short. • Keep the first phone call pretty short. 74 . Once you have that back. keep things light and try and reestablish your old comfortable rapport. If you can prevent yourself from showing anger. Think of yourself as a drug that is administered in small. • Ask your ex to meet you at a specific date or time to do a specific thing. It needs to be seen by your ex as a chance to have some fun and ignite the spark again. jealousy. Your ex will act very friendly and differently than they have in the past. positive and fun. This is not a date or a chance to talk. The object is to get your lover back into your life. • Try and call at a time when you know he or she is not busy. If you have done the work then you experience how you have broken the pattern. Here are some pointers to making that important first call. Start with a simple phone call.

No calling more than once a day.D. If several weeks go by and your ex is not picking up the phone then it is time to let the whole relationship go. or email him or her.• Try to call a week before you actually want to see him or her as this will give you more time to prepare for the meeting. Don’t resort to another type of communication such as I. This makes you look needy and desperate. This is preferable to you having to call again. If you call every couple of days for a week with no response. Ideally your ex will see your number on his or her call display and call you. it is highly unlikely that your ex won’t know that it is you that called. it means it is time to give this all a longer break. However you should not call again and again until he or she picks up the phone. Instead call once and then call again in about three days. However you should not leave a message just yet.M. If You Get the Voicemail So what should you do if you get the voicemail instead of your ex in person? In these days of caller I. You should also not ask your ex to do anything that is too official or uncomfortable such as … • • • • Meet you just before bedtime Accompany you to a wedding Accompany you to a family dinner Go with you to a company party 75 . Just seeing your name on the caller ID may be enough to trigger his or her curiosity.

If you are trying to fix up a relationship you need to take it easy. You are most likely to get a yes for your date if you have planned it all carefully before you make the call. gives you time to talk.• Go with you to a movie or the theater where you have to sit beside each other in silence These events are better to attend together once you are a couple again. If this happens you should resist making things worse by … • • • • • Begging Getting angry Crying Accusing him or her of cheating on you Launching into an old argument • Losing your temper in any way. This is because you are locked into being with each other for a few hours with the above type of occasions and there is no escape if not all goes well. This is what you’re shooting for. The other half of the time your ex could say no. Something short and simple is best.” Or “It’s only lunch. Plan a short and simple activity like meeting for a cup of coffee or a drink. Just laugh a little and say “It’s only coffee. If You Get a No… If you get a no then you need to make light of it. 76 . Lunch is not a bad idea. and won’t last very long. Something what seems casual.” Half the time your ex will relent. Do something that gives the two of a chance to talk.

Don’t keep begging your ex to see you. And again you will live – and you will love again. The more pressure you put on your ex while you are on this date the less likely it will work out as he or she will feel stressed out by your emotional pressure. This will make them want to spend time with you even less. Wish your ex well and end the conversation. Nobody wants to be smothered by a needy person. Again you want to keep yourself focused on enjoying yourself. First of all make sure that you are relaxed. Fun should be the focus of the date not working out all of our problems. It may be time to really accept that this relationship is over. You will live and you will love again and furthermore you have given it your best try. Keep taking care of yourself and continue to date. Hopefully what you want will happen as planned and you are able to simply arrange a time for your date. Take care of yourself and continue to date. This also leaves the door open for future communication. it is time to end the relationship. If you are unable to relax your feelings of neediness may return. There are still things you need to do to prepare for your date. Preparing for the Date You might be feeling quite satisfied about the date happening but don’t stop short now. If you do not get a call from your ex. This will just make them even less likely to want to spend time with you. Accept your fate and move on in life. 77 . Nobody wants to be pressured by a needy person. Don’t keep calling your ex and begging them to see you.Just gracefully get out of it by accepting the no.

During the Date When you are actually on the date there are some bad strategies you should avoid. Here are some definite no . That means putting your best foot forward.Put Your Best Foot Forward You need to show up on this date looking well and happy. and you might think are a good idea at the time but are actually very lousy ideas.no’s on that first date. Keep a smile on your face and a gleam in your eye. • You should avoid upsetting your ex in any way • Avoid spending more than the allotted hour to two hours that you originally planned for the lunch or get together • Trying to figure out what went wrong with your relationship • Expressing on how hurt and distressed you are • Acting desperate • Trying to seduce your ex • Attempting to make your ex jealous The more you try to force things the more likely it is that you will bring up bad feelings and sabotage the reunion you want. relaxed and confident. Don’t fall into the trap of chasing her or trying to prove yourself because your attempts will be seen as needy and fueled by an agenda. Make sure that you mentally prepare yourself to keep things positive during the date as well. When you see your ex in person. focus on being happy. 78 .

Leave when you promised yourself you would as this will make your ex respect you and want you more. and your life – everything! Keep It Light While you are with your ex just try to relax and have a good time. One thing you can do is use strategic complements. The more you try to force things or bring up bad feelings. If you do talk about anything in your history make sure that it is a good memory and not about a fight or anything to do with a break up. everything is great: your job. Compliments will show your appreciation for your ex’s valuable traits and make him or her feel desired. No matter how much you are enjoying yourself you must not give in to your desire to draw the whole thing out. your friends. it helps to schedule something after the date so that you absolutely have to leave. The Instant Reconnect Technique 79 . If you don’t think you can do this. Try to choose an activity that you both enjoy doing and avoid talking about the relationship very much at first. You are not going to spend that much time together so just relax during the time you have. You must not give in to your desire to talk about your issues or anything bad from the past. Just try and adopt the behaviors that made you fall in love in the first place.And while you don’t want your positivity to come off as contrived by over exaggerating how perfect your life is. you still need to talk about yourself in a favorable light. Remember. the less likely you’ll be to have the reconciliation that you want.

like they have something on their face. Coercion is the emotional equivalent of getting people to do your bidding at gunpoint. This works extremely well because ONLY people that are in some kind of “loving relationship” do that for each other. or shame. Lean over and smile gently at your lover while you do this. Wait until it seems natural or you could freak out your partner. This is when you use blame. You can also gage how well your get together is going. 80 . guilt. It is a form of loving grooming that sends an unmistakable message that the two of you are bonded. If they jump out of their skin or pull away then you know that it is not going that great. It is the evil form of simply wooing someone into doing what you want. A word of warning before practicing this – do wait a little bit of time to see how your get together is going before you attempt any contact. to get your ex back. You can simply lean over and straighten the person’s tie. Even chimps do this. On the other hand if they smile and thank you then that is positive. While you are eating or drinking …slowly reach over to them and do the “imaginary food crumb” wipe. Avoid Coercion! Coercion is a form of persuasion that makes people feel forced into something. Make sure you make eye contact.This is a simple and powerful psychological tactic that will trick your ex’s subconscious into believing that the two of you are back together again. You are signaling to their subconscious mind that you are still in a relationship. A similar move is called the “tie straightener”. You might also try removing imaginary lint or hair on the person’s shirt or an eyelash from his or her cheek.

If you feel this is too much to ask. Do you want peace and quiet or do you want your ex back. This is especially important given the fact that arguments frequently happen when two exes come back into contact with each other. Think of a time when you felt forced into making a decision that you were reluctant to make.The trouble with this is that it works. Your ex might agree to see you again simply because guilt has kicked in. However this does not work in the long term because it kills the spark of attraction. Just two people debating each other endlessly until they get depressed. 81 . Control. Your goal after a break up should be to get the person you love back. tolerance. not turn them into a whole new person who absolutely hates your guts. how did you feel about the person who was using a manipulation strategy? Is this the way you want your ex to feel about you? Avoid Arguments You must avoid arguments. only in this case there is no judge or jury. then you need to reevaluate your priorities. You need to forget about dumping any of your emotional baggage on your ex and even if your ex starts bringing up all of the crap from the past you need to be silent. How did you feel about the situation? More importantly. The problem is that while you were split up both of you spent a lot of time making a case against each other just like in a court room. You need to stay calm and relaxed no matter what she throws at you because reacting to anything your ex says will only create more problems. and patience are keys here. There is simply no point in doing the “you owe me” routine. and turned off each other! You want to avoid this. jaded.

You were sick of you both being dragged down by your disagreements. This can cause your ex to reject the idea before you can do any rejecting and walk away from the whole thing.” 82 . you should still do whatever it takes to make her or him want you back. Even if you haven’t decided whether or not you want to have your ex back. Speaking of attainability. I needed to wait until I had a clear head. You must never crush any hopes of getting back together. Say something like --“As much as I wanted to talk to you. The question is “what should you do if your ex continually presses for an explanation as to why you avoided him or her for all this time? Very simply. don’t be surprised if an obvious issue comes up. After all you just completely ignored your ex for three to four weeks straight. and you knew that any confrontation would turn into a war. Tell your ex that the last thing you wanted to do was fight so you distanced yourself until you could get your emotions in check. but you won’t have much of a decision to make if your ex wants nothing to do with you. You will have plenty of time to make up your mind later on.Restore Your Attainability During this date you need to let your ex know that you are still attainable. Somebody is going to want you to answer to this behavior.” Or “I did not mean to upset or confuse you – that wasn’t my intention. explain that you weren’t ready to communication because you were feeling very emotional.

Just let them say what they need to say. It is very important for you to defuse any problems before they begin. If Trouble Starts There is absolutely no guarantee that trouble will not start up with you and your ex at any given moment. If you try to argue with him or her or try to change their mind you are likely to make this date into a miserable experience.And finally. Instead just comment on what a nice time you had and then say good bye. Apologizing correctly can do wonders for making your ex want you again. You do not need to be defensive or engage them in the conversation. so refuse or avoid discussing any relationship issues. However you cannot censor your ex from talking about his or her problem. 83 . it is time to end the date. At the End of the Date If you are having a good time. It is just important that you are not the initiator of the next date so that you do not seem desperate. However you should not end the date by scheduling another. don’t be afraid to apologize if your ex is really hurt about some of the things you did to them before or after the breakup. This stimulates the ex’s appetite to see you again. However if your ex asks you if you want to see each other again then by all means say yes and schedule something else.

It is also very possible that your ex will call you to set something up. The more adventurous you are the better. Otherwise you can call about a week after the date and try to set up another date. Use the same method of keeping the conversation light. It helps to put a bit of fun back into your dating life in order to reignite the passion. about a week or so. In terms of timing you should give it a little break. 84 . If that happens just go with the flow and make plans. Also make sure that the date that you plan together is fun and that the two of you can really relax and enjoy time together. Let’s just have some fun. You don’t want to rush right back into the relationship.” Then try to change the subject. scary movies. Make sure your tone is caring and compassionate yet firm. before you try asking your ex out again. This can bring you full circle back to your issues. or seeing the fireworks are examples of dates that will be emotional and memorable. Upset exes tend to ignore boundaries and sometimes there is nothing you can do to fight it or control it. This technique works most of the time but if your ex is still really upset with you it might not work at all. Continuing to See Each Other If the first date goes well how should you proceed next? Well first of all you want to take things slowly.Your best option is to simply say “I don’t want to talk about the past. Roller coaster rides. This is because the adrenalin that is raised during these exciting dates is similar to what people feel when they feel sexual passion and the will associate these feelings with you.

For one thing women will sleep with someone they have slept with before much easier than they will with a brand new lover. You might worry that getting her back in bed will be difficult but if you have followed the steps so far it should not be that hard. 85 . You are just merely taking advantage of an opportunity to bond. The goal of all of this is so that the two of you may become gratified sexually with each other again.It is the psychological benefit of an emotionally charged date that can give you the edge in terms of having your ex link emotionally with you again. This means that you have an advantage over any strangers that she has been dating.” When two people go through an emotionally charged experience it bonds them together. Sex Advice for Men The sooner you have sex with the woman the more bonded that she will be to you. The idea is to line up several of these dates in a row so that the level of excitement builds. You will once again have what is called a “shared adrenaline charged experience. or begging your ex to come back to you. Getting Sexual Again Notice that you are not using emotional blackmail. This will help bond your ex further to you. However males see the matter of sex with your ex a little differently than women. Sex is evidence to the woman that you love her. The only way bonding happens is unconsciously and through shared experiences. If you have sex with a woman it is guaranteed that in her mind she will think that you are back together. coercion.

Make sure it is clean because your aim is to show her the real you and how tidy you are now that you have improved. Once she is back at your place.It is also a good idea to invite her to your place. Don’t push the matter and don’t get emotional. You can start with the “reconnect technique.” If the reactions are positive you can take it forward. Make it almost accidental and see how she reacts. All you really need to do is ask her to come home with you. If she tells herself that she is just going to your house to listen to a CD then she can tell herself that she does not have to have sex with you if she does not want to. Sometimes your ex might say “Okay. but don’t get any ideas. She will get the idea of “what’s next” or “what can happen. that is fine too.” The reason you need to make up some kind of excuse is so that she can exist in a state of what is called plausible deniability. You don’t have to ask her directly to have sex with you.” in which case you can respond to her by saying “Whoa.. slow down there. Sex Advice for Women 86 .” If she comes out with a flat out “NO” as a response. If they are not positive then call it a night and “be good” about putting an end to the date. I just want to show you some pictures. play the CD or whatever you were deciding to do and do not get all emotional. Take it slow and start with a slight touch to her shoulder or hand. Just let her have a little more time to decide what she wants..

that it could be a mistake for you to pressure him into this. Or – You can try again. In fact it is best if it is his idea. You may want to wait another thirty days and repeat all of the steps from the beginning -87 . The message from the universe in this case might just be that it is time to move on again. If you don’t sleep with him right away you can also achieve the following – • • • • • Create more mystique Make him think about you more Keep his desire for you at a high level Make a faster reconciliation Increase his respect for you No doubt he will want to know why you refuse to sleep with him. No matter how sincere you are about changing you just might end up repeating the same patterns with that person all over again. Keep In mind. It is okay to make him work for what he wants. If It Is Just Not Working … Sometimes despite your best efforts it all goes wrong.You do not want to sleep with your ex until you have a commitment from him. Men value what is rare. simply tell him that you are done with casual sex for now. They commit to a woman that the feel is special and valuable. That is because men value what is a little bit harder for them to get. Instead of telling him that you are holding out for a commitment which sounds like emotional blackmail.

If you get a positive response then ask your ex if she wants to get back together. You can also ask questions and test the waters by saying things such as “Don’t we make a great couple?” This kind of question allows you to see how your ex is really feeling about your reconciliation. Have the Talk It might be time for you to talk about being together if you have been dating again for a few months. Once you have asked these questions you can let your ex do the talking. ask your ex about a more permanent reconciliation. Even if the two of you have been acting like you are back together you may need to have an official discussion about it. He or she will agree that yes you make a good couple. Ultimately it might be time to consider that this relationship might not ever work out. 88 . You may actually feel like it’s time to discuss whether or not you really can get back together.• • • • Take a break Take care of yourself Make initial contact again Have another first date It might also mean that it was too soon for you two to try again. It is also essential to keep having fun and also to continue to keep it light. When you’re ready. If you feel the old familiar feelings of panic and desperation then it really might be time to move on. It’s also a good idea to continue letting your ex take the lead in the relationship. You may also get the answer that your ex is not interested.

It was well worth all of the months of planning and preparing. elating. Don’t think for one minute that the reasons for your original breakup will be ignored. In the midst of this type of relationship game. morality and decency can get pushed aside. However if you are not being promised the moon then you could have a problem. so expect others to resort to dirty tactics to help get what they want. The same is true of your ex. there’s still plenty of work to be done on both your parts. and put you in a fog of desire. This is why you need to always second guess your knee jerk responses and try to understand the deeper motives behind the behavior of your ex. The process of being reunited can be confusing. How to Troubleshoot! 89 . distressing. But your journey isn’t over yet! In fact.Reunited If you get a positive response then you are officially reunited. You’re now on the road to a true relationship. Actions Matter It is actions that matter and not words. Take a little time to enjoy the fact that you’re back together. Remember that when you first get back together your ex might promise you the moon. Work on how you’re going to keep your love alive.

let your ex do all of the talking because he or she needs to get rid of some emotions. If this happens. Even if you don’t agree with her or him. just look like you do.Sometimes things don’t go exactly as planned. If this doesn’t work. explain that you refuse to talk to them until they are calm. If your ex doesn’t calm down and continues to act in a hostile manner. Don’t be angry or defensive no matter how hurtful some of the things that are being said. Just let them talk it all out. 90 . Don’t let an ex use your friend as a liaison. The Ex Becomes Too Heavy Sometimes an ex will press for the relationship too soon after first contact has been made and try to make you feel like you owe him or her because you were so hurtful. The Ex Ambushes You! This is the situation where the ex comes to your house. shows up at your job or starts harassing your friends or family for answers. Here are ways to troubleshoot these types of circumstances should they happen. A good rule of thumb to follow here is simply ask our friends and family not be involved in your affairs or talk about the situation in any way. then you need to walk away. You are demonstrating that you understand them and that will cause the anxiety and hostility to collapse of its own weight.

There are two main reasons for this. then move on. Do not hassle the person with calls. Don’t panic.It is also important to show that you are open by having relaxed facial expressions and body language. This does not mean you have to agree with him or her. Do so without rewarding any bad behavior she is displaying. If the desire to see you does not seem to be there then it can mean he or she is still angry at you or that you have started seeing someone else. Give it another week and then attempt to contact your ex. The first is that he or she is nervous and wants to wait a bit. Your Ex Won’t Meet In Person Sometimes your ex will not do anything more than talk to you on the phone. If you do find out that your ex is with someone new you may need to just accept the situation. This will help prevent a fight happening. Be warm and keep your voice warm and reassuring. But if you do feel like it – apologize. If there is still no response. or is waiting to get advice from someone else before they proceed. Your Ex Does Not Escalate Earlier on in this book we talk about how your ex will start to panic if they cannot get hold of you and this is called escalation. 91 . Realize too that this might be a rebound relationship and that there is still hope for you. There is a third possibility and that is that he or she does not want to get back together with you but is afraid to tell you.

You Can’t Control Yourself Sometimes no matter what you do. mental illness. You may be ashamed of the way this person makes you feel and behave and choose instead to move onto a new relationship. give it a week or so between calls to see if he or she will suddenly make that decision to see you. The bottom line – you will only frustrate yourself if you force yourself to have a relationship when you are not ready. Your ex may be showing you how much that treatment hurt. Sometimes things just go too far south for the relationship to be mended. Time to Move On 92 . If you cheated on someone you may just be going through all of this because you feel guilty. Your ego may be so involved that the relationship is nothing but an endless series of battles. you just cannot put yourself in the right state of mind to be with your ex. You may be aware that despite your rational intentions. or a crime that somehow involved in your relationship.If this happens. You may have done something substantially wrong like physically hurt the other person because of an anger problem or addiction. your heart may be hell bent on revenge. It is worth hanging in there as sometimes it is just mind games – retaliation for making him or her wait if they called during the thirty day avoidance period. In this sort of scenario you may have pains and subconscious triggers you are not even aware of. This is especially true if there was an addiction.

Sometimes you have to allow other people to say “no” to you and get on with your life. Just cut your loss as fighting this type of relentless rejection is pointless.If after months of courting and working on yourself you still are not being called or encouraged by your ex then it might be time for you to call it quits. 93 . However if you have decided together that you want to continue with the relationship then it is time for you to move ahead and enjoy the suggestions in the next two chapters.

Remember what led you to the breakup in the first place? Those are the things that you need to avoid as you get back with your ex. 94 . but you also need to have adventures. You may also be tempted to get back into the old patterns that put you onto the path of bickering and derision. Most of all you should avoid not taking care of yourself. Set aside a weekly date to keep the romance fresh. but you also have made the commitment to keep working on it in order to keep the romance alive. You need to stay attractive to keep the romance alive. Keep Dating Each Other Dating each other worked well during the reconciliation process so why not continue doing it. Keep flirting. Now you are back together with your ex. Of course you need to be able to relax in your relationship.CHAPTER 7: RELATIONSHIP MAINTENANCE Congratulations. You can do this even if you are living together. you might be tempted to slack off a bit don’t do it! Slacking off now could undo all of your hard work so far. Find the Fun Whatever you do don’t get back into the old routines that are so boring and stale. keep communicating and keeping doing things that are fun. Don’t slouch around in sweatshirts and sweatpants. Dinner and a movie are always nice.

but don’t be afraid to let your imagination find even more little romantic ways to have fun. is to keep trying things that you have never done before. If you feel like your relationship is headed back into a rut. Keeping Life Fun 95 . Giving your relationship variety is a great way to keep the spark fresh and new. such as• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • His and her massages His and her pedicures Bungee jumping Rock climbing Riding on a bicycle built for two Paintball Laser tag Miniature golf Roller skating Ice skating Canoeing Playing video games Sharing a bubble bath Wine tasting Go antique hunting in the country Go on a picnic Go house hunting or visiting your dream condo Go bowling Have a picnic Enjoy a day at the zoo This list is not at all complete. you must get out of it as quickly as possible. Couples who play together and have fun have a better chance of being successful in the long run.One way for this.

Letting Go of the Past You can make this relationship last by letting go of the old resentments. They don’t take a lot of time and it helps to build intimacy. kisses and massages. Look into each other’s eyes. Take that time to find out how their day went and share your own day. Try to look at every day as if it were a new day. For example – • • • • • • • Leave a rose on his or her pillow Leave little love notes for your lover to find in unexpected place Have a picnic in bed Have a romantic dinner Rent a romantic movie Make your significant other a mix CD of favorite songs Read aloud to your love from a favorite book Be Affectionate Every day take time for each other. Even if you just focus on your lover for 15 minutes each day you’ll be doing better than many people. Try not to ever bring them up.There are many things you can do on a daily basis that will help keep fun and romance part of your life as a couple. These little touches can really bring you closer together as a couple. Don’t forget to be physically affectionate with each other and bestow many hugs. 96 . There is a tendency to bring up every hurtful thing that has ever happened with some people and that can turn your lover right off.

Listen to what your partner has to say. Apologize and then let it go. Remember too that you don't have to be in agreement about every single little thing. Be secure enough in your relationship that you can pursue your own interests and friends. you may have the desire to spend every waking moment with him or her. Handling Disagreements Just because you are in love does not mean that you have to agree about every single little thing.This does not mean that you cannot express yourself when you are upset. Live and Let Live When you first reunite. Breathe a little instead of smothering each other so that the flame of passion goes completely out. The same technique you used in the early communication phase of your reconciliation will continue to be valuable. Let go of the things that caused you to break up in the first place. There’s no need to go over old arguments again and again. 97 . Make an effort to let your feelings be known but do not go on the attack or your partner you become defensive or even leave the relationship. Remember that a little bit of space can go a long way. Be accountable for your part in any wrongdoing. Make sure that you give your partner some time away from you so they can miss you.

Keep your sense of humor. Don’t make judgments. are you sick. Determine if you are even angry at your partner. or so tired that you are snappy and irritable? Is your partner snappy and irritable for the same reasons? Is the fight even necessary? When you begin to talk about an issue that could cause an argument. For example. Don’t let problems drag on. It’s perfectly normal and okay to have disagreements from time to time. There are some grounds rules that you can follow that can prevent you from having knock down drag out fights. First of all you need to – Own your feelings. Humor can prevent arguments from exploding and getting out of control. You may not like a behavior. Avoid attacking your partner personally. Maybe there’s another reason that you’re angry. Try to figure out what you are really angry about and don’t argue about things that are not really the problem. Deal with them immediately. But you can avoid having major fights if you work to really discuss your feelings. but don’t accuse him or her of being a bad person. Arguments are the result of a disagreement.The key is to agree to disagree. make sure it is really worth it. 98 . stressed at work. Say – “I feel” rather than accusing your partner. Sometimes you need to pick your battles and let things go. Don’t let it snowball until you’re so angry you don’t even remember why.

While someone else may have hurt you. “When you cheated on me I felt very hurt. There is no wrong or right way to forgive people but there are some general tips you can follow. Accept the fact that your partner may not be as ready to forgive as you are. However the truth is you can forgive anyone at any time. Vague feelings of hatred just don’t cut it when it comes to facilitating tolerance and peace. It helps to be heard.” Framing what you say as coming from a place of feeling is much better them framing it in an accusatory tone that makes your partner responsible for how you feel. Give them time to think about things.Practice Forgiveness Forgiveness and tolerance are key in any relationship. Ask yourself how you’re feeling. Make the deliberate decision to let go of your anger. For example. Are you angry? Frustrated? Disappointed? It may help to write down your feelings or talk with a close friend or family member about them. First you need to be specific about what it is that you need to be forgiving about. Make sure you can name exactly what it is that you are mad about. Let your partner know that you forgive them. Many individuals say that you must wait until your feelings have improved before you can forgive anyone. move on and be light hearted and happy. 99 . You need to be able to forgive your partner and yourself before you can really make it work. how you react to it is your own responsibility. Talk to your partner about how you feel but keep it in the realm of framing it as being about a feeling. If you’ve done anything wrong to contribute to the problem. ask for forgiveness so you both can let it go.

Make sure that you set boundaries with the people outside of your relationship and let them know that it’s not their place to make life decisions for you.” In most cases that is really true. but let them know that you make your own romantic choices. Forgetting. Dealing with Social Fallout When you get back together with an old flame. This is a situation in which you may have to set boundaries and not let them get too involved in your relationship. it’s not always a good idea to completely forget. It keeps us from making the same mistakes over and over again. note this pattern and learn from it. 100 .In order for you to forgive. If you insist on going over and over old arguments all of the time you will simply open up old wounds. It’s fine to listen to their opinions and advice. Sometimes just saying what you have to say helps you identify your feelings so you can let them go. However as good as “letting go” feels. You’ve probably heard the old adage that you should “forgive and forget. If they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Resist the temptation to compound hurt feelings and your reunion has a much better chance of surviving any rough patches. though. We have a memory for a reason. the guilty party does not need to ask you forgiveness. is much harder than forgiving. If you want your relationship to survive you might want to develop a bit of a selective memory. you are going to be subjected to all kinds of different opinions from everyone from your best friend to your mom.

Enjoy the Honeymoon Period It’s thrilling to have your love back. In fact after all this effort you could possible find out that getting back together was a mistake. However don’t forget that enduring relationships require real commitment and effort – even when two people are highly compatible. Enjoy this time and have fun together. Try to make every day as fun and friendly as possible. Just make sure to learn from your mistakes and make better choices the next time. It’s possible that you desired to reconcile so badly that you forgot that your partnership had big issues. fallible and as someone who makes big mistakes sometimes. it’s okay to end things again but for good. Be Realistic Being realistic about your relationships can mean seeing your partner as a human. Family and friends can really make relationship problematic if you don’t set proper boundaries.Ask family members and friends to accept your ex back into their lives and let go of any hard feelings that they may have. If you get to the point that you feel the relationship can’t be saved. 101 . Remember that in some ways your relationship is always going to be combustible.

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CHAPTER 8: WHEN IT CAN’T BE SAVED
Sometimes life does not work out how you want it to. You may have really wanted to rekindle your relationship with your ex, but it’s not the right time or the right person for you. All along after a breakup you should have been assuming the attitude that you were moving on, just in case it actually happened. Still nobody is really prepared for heartbreak. Good thing can come out of a break up and in particular the lasting lifestyle changes that make you into a better person.

Keep the Life Style Changes
If you followed the advice in this book chapter by chapter then you made needed lifestyle changes. Just because your ex did not come back does not mean you need to let them go. By now you are eating better, exercising, and taking care of your looks. This will assist you in your healing and it would be a great big mistake to go back to your old ways. Keep making these things a part of your life. A good health and fitness regime will do wonders for you. Taking care of your body can have huge effects on your mental health. It will also: • Improve your appearance
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• Improve self esteem and confidence • Make you feel fit and sexy • Make you appear young.

Keep Dating
You first learned how to date when you went on your thirty day respite from your ex, and there is no reason to stop now. The more people you meet, the more opportunities you’ll have to find another relationship that will be fulfilling. As discussed earlier in this book, great places to meet new singles are -• • • • • Singles groups Through mutual friends Internet dating websites Sporting and other hobby clubs Dating services

Don’t retreat because you feel upset about your ex. Isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do. You won’t meet somebody sitting around, watching television, and feeling sorry for yourself.

Leave Your Ex Alone
When a relationship is really over you need to find the discipline not to contact him or her. This only opens old wounds and make things painful. You need to resist the impulse to call him or her. Use all the self-control you have to leave your ex alone to live his or her life. Then you’ll be free to do the same.
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Avoiding a Rebound Relationship
If you were not able to save this relationship, then you may feel the need to jump right into another one. This can be a desperate act to try and ease the pain of how you feel about your break up. By all means you can enjoy dating and meeting new people. However give yourself a few months before you jump fully into another relationship. Allow yourself to grieve and accept the way things are before you find someone new to settle down with.

Loving Being Alone
Loving being alone means that you love and respect yourself. You need to be a whole person and be sure that you can live without someone else. Then when somebody else comes along you can have a good healthy relationship instead of a codependency. There are a lot of benefits to being single for a while: • • • • • You can travel to places you’ve always wanted to see You can learn a new hobby You can choose to live wherever you’d like You can spend your free time however you like You can focus on your career and get ahead

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you could have found that you weren’t really attracted to one another. You may start looking for a new job in a faraway place.These are just a few of the good things that come from being on your own. Usually it is incompatibility that splits two people apart. And if the story is that you were with someone who is a sex addict then you need to be accountable for that as well. Put Off Major Life Decisions After a breakup people often try to make drastic changes in their life. the other person has to usually be accountable too for why that happened. Then again. It’s possible that you just didn’t have much to talk about. Spend some time analyzing what went wrong. When you learn to love yourself and function on your own. you can really bring so much more to the next relationship. Then make sure that as you search out new relationships you don’t make the same mistakes. You can admire people who are not compatible with you from afar. Maybe your family or religious values were different. Maybe you didn’t have the same interests. Learn From Your Mistakes There are two people in every relationship. Even if your relationship ended because one of you cheated. Give yourself at least three months before you make major decisions. 106 . buy a new car – they do what they can to change from being that person who was rejected by their love.

If you don’t grieve the relationship now. Things always do get better. Denial that your relationship is over 2. maybe it will work. Don’t be ashamed if you feel bad about it. You may feel like you will never ever get over this. Time Will Heal You One thing is for sure. Depression 5. but in time you’ll be okay. The cliché of what goes up must come down is absolutely true. Bargaining – for example. Having a relationship end is really a life-defining and often experience. They just do.” 4. Time does heal a broken heart.It’s Okay to Grieve After a break up that seems permanent it is okay to be sad. 107 . Acceptance that it is over that provides you with the ability to move on Do not dwell on the tragedy as this will only fill your mind with grief. Anger about the end of the relationship 3. regret and depression. It can be hard to say goodbye. Give yourself the time to mourn the person. you may have to deal with dammed up feelings later that could affect a new relationship. It is very common for people to go through the stages of grief: 1. It’s normal to have these feelings – and it’s even good. “If I could just lose 20 pounds.

You are guaranteed to come out of lost love a better person than ever before. you need only look back over your own life to see that you eventually were able to pick up the pieces and move on. you’ll have to trust the other people in your life that are all telling you that you will heal and not be self-indulgent or selfdestructive. is one of the hardest things to do in life. Moving on after a relationship is over. A good thing to do is look at it philosophically.. but you’ll be able to do it with grace if you take care of yourself and keep your head held high.If you’ve had several serious relationships in the past. you’ll be better for it. A broken heart is really painful – there’s no doubt about it. But you get a little stronger every time you have a broken heart and heal.. Remember that in order to find somebody new to love you first have to learn how to love you! 108 . What did you learn? How did you grow? When you can have gratitude for the changes you’ve undergone. If this is your first major breakup.

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