GUARDING OURSELVES FROM

ADULTERY
1

WHAT IS AN AFFAIR?

Continual unmet needs and can happen through following:
y

Intellectual Emotional Physical

y

y

IT IS A TRAP, EASY TO FALL INTO FEW PEOPLE PLAN TO HAVE AN AFFAIR

WHAT CAUSES AFFAIRS?

MOST COMMON EMOTIONAL NEEDS IN MARRIAGE
Admiration/affirmation Affection Conversation-- ´Listen to me!µ Domestic support Family commitment and safety Financial support Honesty, openness, gentleness Physical attractiveness/doing the best with what you have, inside and out Recreation companion/things in common/dwell time Respect, honor, inclusion, humor Sexual fulfillment/ serve each other/ do not deny Security, significance, intimacy (i.e.,spiritual, emotional, friendship, physical, interested in me, respects me and my opinions), validation, hang time, priority, connection, boundaries

WHAT CAUSES AFFAIRS?
A combination of the following, along with someone else with their own set, plus the opportunity Continual unmet emotional needs Unfulfilled expectations- ´I have a rightµ or ´Do I really have to take a step toward you on thisµ-self orientation. Unresolved expectations can lead to resentment. Underdeveloped self esteem/image- craving for validation/admiration- like a drug Unresolved conflict -- solve it=intimacy; ignore and continue it=distance and avoidance and flight/ Lack of Joint Agreements Uncontrolled thoughts---noticing the opposite sex is natural; it is when you begin to think thru and plan and dwell on a specific person is it lust Unprotected lifestyle³high stress, no time, no rest, no hang time, no boundaries Unreliable commitment, angry spouse, lying, abusive, annoying, selfish, your bank account is constantly withdrawn into conflict Distance from God.lack of turning, renewal, and rebuilding

WHO ARE THE MOST COMMON AFFAIR PARTNERS?

People you and your spouse know-other couples you spend time with Work colleagues, school mates, sports teammates, travel companions Relatives of your spouse Strangers

WHAT ARE THE MOST COMMON CIRCUMSTANCES THAT SURROUND AN AFFAIR (EXPLOSION)?
The match

Entertaining impure thoughts in your head³ ´I·m just thinking, I·d never do itµ Non-physical emotional involvement³ ´If my spouse just understood meµ= open door Crossing the physical line³touching, kissing«.it is nearly impossible to turn back The gasoline High stress, high need, no rest, continuing conflict at home/work, poor self image, no time with spouse, chaos= need for a diversion Alcohol Unaccountable- travel, unbounded time away from home w/o spouse, no friends who make you accountable- no joint agreements Distant from God, the community of believers, prayer, lack of (self-control)

WHAT ARE SOME CONCRETE THINGS YOU CAN DO TO AVOID AN AFFAIR IN YOUR MARRIAGE?

Recommit yourself daily to God·s standard and to each other Accept your own mate as God·s provision and delight in. He/she is the right one Pray together Manage your mind³it all begins with your thought life Know your needs and communicate them; know your spouse·s needs and meet them-every day take a step toward their needs and fears-fill their love bank Monitor your media intake-µDesperate Housewivesµ and trashy movies Pick your friends carefully Minimize the opportunity to fall-venue= dinner/drinks/travel for 2 Establish boundaries by joint agreement on things like time at home/travel/individual activities/friends Magnify the consequences; minimize the benefits of unfaithfulness Maintain the proper relationship with the opposite sex

PROPER RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE SEXES WHEN AT LEAST
ONE IS MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE

1. Be careful of office/school/sports jokes and flirting-stay away from it-if you like to flirt or like to be flirted with, you may have a self esteem problem. 2. Diffuse electric situations³if you are talking to someone and you realize something else is going on or too many brushes of their arm happen«turn away, get serious about the discussion topic, and let them know, perhaps verbally, that you are not available, put your spouse·s picture up. 3. Lower your gaze. Avoid prolonged stares, eye-to-eye, and eye-to-other body parts.

PROPER RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE SEXES WHEN AT LEAST
ONE IS MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE

4. Be careful of inappropriate dress and inappropriate invitations. 5. Avoid lingering touches. 6. Don·t listen to complaints about their spouse; never complain or share intimate info about your spouse. 7. Never travel or spend leisure time alone with someone you might be attracted to; figure-out a way to take a 3rd person. 8. Avoid time alone with your friend·s spouse. Things that attract couples sometimes attract individuals among those couples. #1 source of affairs. 9.

FROM AN ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVE
Never be alone with a member of the opposite sex who is ger-Mahram (not related to you, eg Husband, father, brother, son) Remember Hadith, if an unrelated man and woman are alone in a room, Shaitan is the third with them. Think of the punishment of the adulterer. Even if society around has lower morals, think of your reckoning with Allah. No Man or woman is worth going to Hell for and facing Allah·s punishment.

11

WHAT IS LOVE?
Three
y

Ingredients
communication, mutual support,

1. Intimacy
-Sharing,

trust

y y

2. Passion
Not

just physical, also emotional focus
Robert Sternberg·s Principles

3. Commitment
Long-term

STERNBERG·S INGREDIENTS
All
y y y

Three are needed!

Only intimacy, you have friendship Only passion, you have infatuation/lust Only commitment, you have empty love

But

how can we account for the different types of love people experience?

THE MARITAL GOLDEN RULE!
Sex

confined to marriage Meet your spouse·s needs as you would want your spouse to meet yours.µ Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you. Stop selling fish! «Selfish!

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