I got these from my archives . I mean Jokes Some of them may not be appropriate. Enjoy.

If not, discard =============================
1. How I Got Into Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fellbut even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I

'" . "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator. Fascinate A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. The third man came to the front of the line. Jesus I'm coming. They buried the chicken and that was that. and we saw all the animals. we nearly lost Mommy today.was thinking I was going to be okay. and again the whole process was repeated. I'm coming.." says the third man. It was fascinating. Daddy. With Jesus Now Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling.. but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story." "What?" his father replied. 'Jesus. Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!" 3. Mary. "That was good. this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly." Once again." The teacher said. he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven. Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. Mary said." 2. "Daddy. "Picture this. "My family went to the New York City Zoo. When his father got home. "When I got home from school. and now I'm here.

stormy Christmas Eve. Johnny. she can only fasten eight. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. perfect.'" Little Johnny raised his hand. After a perfect courtship. I was fascinated. they stopped to help. "Good Sally. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate. Johnny said loudly. you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence. of course. "That was good. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man." Little Johnny continued. they had a perfect wedding. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer." 4. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons. a perfect man and a perfect woman met. . and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Perfection Once upon a time." The teacher said. Their life together was. Only one of them survived the accident." so she called on him. However. Being the perfect couple. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas.) The perfect woman survived. the driving conditions deteriorated. "But her tits are so big." The teacher said. One snowy. but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. Unfortunately. when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road.Sally raised her hand and said. "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals.

it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. 3. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. the technician discovered . 5. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key. This explains why there was a car accident. So. Wyatt . The customer asked the tech to hold on. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. 6.Women stop reading here. By the way. 4. if you're a woman and you're reading this. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. 5. 2. getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem. and was heard putting the phone down." "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. This was forwarded by P. Computer-Illiterates The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton. it illustrates another point: Women never listen either. 1. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. the perfect woman must have been driving. that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling. if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op: Tech support: Hello. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. How may I help you? Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks. so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid. "What power switch?" 12." 8." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. Caller: Is this tech support? Tech support: Yes. then removing all the keys and washing them individually. plugged it in. 7. After ensuring the computer was plugged in. 11. How do I ." The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid responses shouldn't be taken personally. Her response. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 10. and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. it is. the man said." the customer replied. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. When told Egghead was a software store. She said she unpacked the unit. I got me a couple of friends. 9. "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing Happens. "Yeah. she asked. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch. "Oh. this is Tech Support.

At this point. Did you receive this as part of a promotional. You don't suppose he took it. and snapped it off the drive! 6. I don't know anything about a promotional. the Tech Rep had to mute the caller. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner. the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. it's attached to the front of my computer. but I'll write him a letter. About a week later. It just has "4X" on it. the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered if there was anything indecent going on between the two. After the meal was over. "Well. While being served. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. do you?" The Pastor said. the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. It's because I am. because he couldn't stand it. at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it? Caller: It came with my computer. Missing Ladle In France. Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. but did you say a cup holder? Caller: Yes. ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle." The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father . I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. I doubt it. the housekeeper came to the pastor and said. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder. One day. "Father. the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory." So he wrote: "Dear Father.go about getting that fixed? Tech Support: I'm sorry.

he answered. "Yes." "What's next?" she asked. sir." Her eyes lit up as she asked." "Wow." "What's next?" "Well. Ya see. that's really big. ma'am. "Yes. ma'am. and I want to buy a complete city outfit. how about a suit?" "Yes. I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. "Wow. ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck. I'm from Texas. I reckon I'll need a shirt. they really grow them big in Texas. They Grow Them Big In Texas A Texan went to Chicago." he replied. when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him. "How about some shoes?" "What size?" "Size 15 double D. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" ." The woman virtually glowed as she asked. ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat." 7. ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." "Will there be anything else?" she asked. ma'am. sir." "Wow." "Yes. ma'am. What size?" "Size 53 tall." "Wow. sir. ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas. What size?" "Eight and five-eighths.Pastor. "Where would you like to start?" "Well. where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. size 38." "Yes. that's really big!" "Yes. you would have found the gravy ladle." "Yes. that's really big!" "Yes. that's really big!" "Yes. He replied. He went into Marshall Fields and. But I do know for certain that if you slept in your own bed.

I reckon that will be all. "From the floor. or looking up from her drawing. And the answer is four inches. the Texan replied. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother. "Why. "Then you ask him. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. I already know what it is. "They will in a minute." Astonished. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently." Without missing a beat." The teacher asked." As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money. The girl replied. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. the girl replied." 2. my boyfriend is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter. she asked what the drawing was. the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. she asked. she blurted out.8 1. "I'm drawing God." 3. A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. it was physically impossible. "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied. ma'am ."No. Irritated. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. The little girl said." The teacher paused and said. "But no one knows what God looks like. ma'am. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. "Sir. "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" . The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. she blushed and asked. ma'am?" Children Say the Darndest Things Rated Score: 8. could I ask you a question?" "Yes.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say. she's dead. class. the blood. God is watching the apples.Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said. as you know. she's a lawyer. "And there's the teacher. "Well. she said. one of my hairs turns white." "Yes." the class said. at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. "Thou shall not kill. 'There's Jennifer. Mom?" Her mother replied." 4.' or 'That's Michael. if I stood on my head. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. The nun made a note. The children had all been photographed." 7. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" 5.? . and I would turn red in the face. would run into it. and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. He's a doctor. and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. A child had written a note.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out." Moving further along the lunch line. "Now. "Take all you want. every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy. ?Cause your feet ain't empty. "Why are some of your hairs white. "Momma. Trying to make the matter clearer." 6.

11.PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. on the bottom of Coke bottles . On a Korean kitchen knife . On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) . On a New Zealand insect spray .DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. 5. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids . On a Taiwanese shampoo .DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. On a Sears hairdryer . ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. DETAILS INSIDE. OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 2.WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. here are some actual label instructions on consumer products: 1.YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 10.DIRECTIONS . On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink . (The shoplifter special!) 12. but the instruction was INSIDE the box.USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. (And that would be how?) 13. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) 16. 6.AFTER OPENING. KEEP UPRIGHT. 3. 8. In a US guide to setting up a new computer . (Sensible. On a bag of Fritos .REMEMBER. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists .THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding .) 15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights . WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES. On a bar of Dial soap .TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING. On a blanket from Taiwan . (Too late! You lose!) 14.) 7.FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE . On a packet of Sunmaid raisins .OPEN OTHER END. In some countries. 9. 4. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.Actual Label Instructions Rated Score: 10 In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity. KEEP QUIET.LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. EAT NUTS.OPEN PACKET. (That's right. destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) 22. because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS . On a Swedish chainsaw .WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. I told her no. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?) 19. On a child's superman costume . On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. I didn't have a dog. but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. (I'm glad they cleared that up.) 18...6 Ask a stupid question. (Now I'm curious. I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. Stupid Answer Rated Score: 7. she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. (As opposed to use in outer space?) 17. On Sainsbury's peanuts . On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. 23. On a Japanese food processor .) Horrified. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?) 21. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD. get a stupid answer.CONTAINS NUTS. 26.ONLY.) 20. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!) Stupid Question. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. Although I probably shouldn't. and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. On impulse.DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS..WARNING . . I told her that no. 25.NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. 24.

3 After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive. then to the NSA. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game. (Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE .I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack. he was laughing so hard. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled. Condi and her aides had no clue either." Osama himself decided to send George W. so they sent it to the FBI.6 This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in Awhile. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA. Within a minute MI-6 called the White House with this reply." SCRABBLE Rated Score: 8. "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down. WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!! Coded Message Rated Score: 8. Someone out there either has too much Spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water.7 These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV. Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!! DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS Questions about South Africa Rated Score: 8.THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES .can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure.LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay Too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-inlaw).. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them . Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town .. Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. but for you. which is. the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. . Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) A: Only at Christmas.oh forget it. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa?(USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. and you will still have to pay her by the hour.. Q: I was in South Africa in 1969. Cape Town. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not.. Sure. the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes. WE don't stink. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France) A: No. we'll import them. straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked. Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany) A: Not yet. USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. gay nightclubs. Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No.. but you'll have to learn it first. Sure. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes. can be safely handled and make good pets. and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. oh forget it. Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA) A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.. which is where YOU come from. Milk is illegal. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y.in JHB.

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