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C'est kwäñ.trö mutch stile

C'est Kwañ trO, ä longue

with awl the wrest of elle. Her kiOs,

her män ner, her bare ing, her

gewlery, her smit. Wen elle wawks in

two the rUm, hèds tern

mon mour then most. C'est awl

d'elle, but espeshelly c'est

her Kwãñ-trö, c'est mûtch, mütch stile.

C'est kwäñutrö onde rox,

C'est kwäñ.trö onde rox.

( Kwäñ.trö onde ?)
Imponed by Count rvuu Animka. Inc., 40%

Cst kwäñ.trö mutch stile

C'est Kwañ trO, à longue

with awl the wrest of elle. Her kiOs,

her man ner, her hre ing, her

gewlery, her smil. Wen elle wawks in

two the rüm, hëds tern

mon mour then most. C'est awl

d'elle, but espeshelly c'est

her Kwàñ-tro, c'est mûtch, mütch stile.

C'est kwäñ.trö onde rox.

C'est kwäñ.trö onde rox.

(Kwän.trO onde roxfl

Imported bi Cointrcuiu America. Inc., 40%

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C'est kwäñ.tró nuitch stile

C'est Kwañ trO, ä longue

with awl the wrest of cile. Her kiOs,

her man ner, her bäre ing, her

gewiery, her smi1. Wén eile wawks in

two the rüm, hëds tern

mon mour then most. C'est awl

d'elle, but espeshelly c'est

her Kwäñ-trò, c'est mùtch, mútch stile.

C'est kwàñ.trö onde rox.


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"I., est KwantrO onue rox.
(Kwäñ.trô onde fl)X
Ch.y Chas. photograph.d
by aonni. 5-chiffrnan.
Navy wool iut: GIor9io
Arnioni. Cotton *hrt
Bom. N.w Yori. ti.: Lithø Rickia,
Grooming: Kimi M.ssno.
Stylists: Borbora Tfaiik in
NYC (r.prss.nt.4 by
L) Olive Hiod) ard
Cathy Conned in L.A
1:11 -- .:

Where Hollywoodstar.cgo top/ay with giazi.
Mayor Koch 'spersonaldominatrix.
A dork is a noodle is a macaroni - py 'sgroiind-breakingforeign-fangiiage experiment.
Plus. hou; Binky Urban managei to stay friend5 with everyone ..............

Abandoned poisons? Misplaced infectious waste? Radioactive goo?

Where else but in New York? SYDNEY SCHUSTER tours the cit
never fweep5. Illustrated by NATASHA
LFSSNIK ................
PARTY Poor ...........


Pneumotube to work. It 'ifaster than the subway, cooler than the subway
and tu;ice as scay as the subway. Illustrated by
HOWARD CHA YKIN ........ lB9


York society. Their diagnoses refer to
Their u;a:ting rooms are filled with the veil-heeled gulls of New
vitamin deficiencies and other supposed ills that only money can cure.
mysterious hidden allergies,
back. CONLIN gives a second opinion on Dr.
Their patients, for sonze reason, keep coming JENNIFER
trendiest nutritionists. Also: EussA
Stuart Berger and Dr. Robert Gil/er, Neu; York 's tu;o screwiest,
SCHAPPELL and RACHEL URQUHARTgO undercoverfor diagnosis
cubism). Some u;orks ofart remind z
I Some people remind us ofart (Sammy DavisJr.
Dianne Brui,). We're not saying it 's a conspiracy. We 're not
ofpeople (Henry Moore 's sculpture
or historically relevant. We 're just
saying it 's coincidence. We 're not even saying it 's aesthetically
saying it 's true. And zve have the pictures to prove it ......................
the hustlingest auteur in Hollywood. Warning: This article is
Real-l:fe pickup linei and movie-casting techniqueifrom how to score with
the easily offended or misguided guys who think they Ilpick up sorne pointers on
q notfor thefainthearted,
chicks. VINCENZA DEMnz
talki with a bakers dozen of Toback 's picks ......
and "the little woman
"Iove"Joe Franklin and really gaudy Hawaiian shirts? You say you
So yOU
air quotes with
arejizst lookingfor the quote-unquote
good l:fe7 Can 't get through a conversation without making little look
PAUL RUDNIcK and KURT ANDERSEN take a straight-faced
your fingers? Blame it on the irony Epidemic. LYNN ..............
at the age ofihe perpetual izizirk. Photographs byJ.ivNY

::i LJI%4
w in Review of Reviewers; an overload ofstar power
IGNATZ R&zrx'JzKiwzi rides the cloiheshorses
The Street pooh-poohing the bank-
.. I shorts out CELIA BRADY in The Industry: JAzs GRANTfind5 MA&x and DOUGLAS
Résumés from New Haven; PATRIcIA
ruptcy boom: M. SLOBODK!N updates
MCGRATH tiptoe into the Publishing world; and ELLiS WEINER on How to Be a Grown-up

\ ,;
with a broken car .....................................
By ROY BLOUNTJR ........
o spy (ISSN 08<)0- I 759) is pubtishedmonthly by Spy Publishing Partners, The Puck Budding,
295 Lafayette Street, New Yock, N.Y. 100
2. Submions: Sad
S«onddass postage paid at Nw York, N.Y., and
with SASE w same ad&cs& For advertising sales, cal! 2 I 2-92555O9.
1989 by Spy Pubbshing Partn, LP.
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9 mg tar 0.6 mg nicotine ay, per cigarette. FTC RepthTFeb85



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"She loves my cooking.
And she drinks Johnnie Walker"


fr' ;: Good taste is always an asset.TM


o 1968 Schierleln 6 5me,seI Co . New VOriç NV BIenod Scotch Whsky 43 4

finally mellowed toward FDR. I really don't
believe in hate, Fish announced as he turned
loo and Franklin Roosevelt's corpse turned
107. "So now I don't hate Rooseveltbut
frankly, I despise him. Precisely our feelings
these days toward Donald Trump: we don't
hate him, we despise him. It sounds more sophisticated, and
anyway, we're not obsessed with Trump the way we used to be.
We've grown; we've learned. In fact, we are never going to
mention him ever again. ' Instead, let's discuss . . oh, how

II about Ed Koch? My image of myself is as a reserved, retiring,

even shy person," he announced to the press just before New
Year's, as if by saying he isn't a tiresome loudmouth he will cease
to be one. Koch has had a fabulous winterproposing that
Ihomeless people pay rent for their space in city shelters;
having his affirmative-action program revealed as a pa-
tronage scheme; and inspiring every New Yorker over 40
who owns a decent suit to consider running against him in this
year's mayoral election. . ' Whoever does run may benefit from
the anti-Koch advertising being planned by . . . by . by a well-
. .

known billionaire memoirist and skating-rink restorer. The bi!-

lionaire memoirist-restorer says he
may spend $2 million on his negative
campaign against Koch; those who
know the billionaire memoirist-re-
storer expect him to endorse his guy
Andy Stein for mayor. Koch vs.
Stein, Stein vs. Koch . . . no lesser of

ne marches on
two evils. As the president of the Utah State Retirement Fund
said (explaining his investment in hostile, insanely leveraged
corporate takeovers), "Things are never quite black or white
anymore. At virtually the same spot where Ronald Reagan
is now spending his days pretending to work (eerie
coincidencesthat's our theme for the 1990s), po-
lice arrested a man with queer, demonological politi-
Jk cal ideas who did not serve two terms in the White
-u House. Nathan Trupp was apprehended, just down
4.'. the street from Universal Studios, after he shot and
killed tWo Universal security guards. He had not
really intended to kill the guards. "I was seeking out
. [Highway to Heaven star and creator) Michael Lan-


dcn. proscutos qtotvd him as saying. 1 In ohe post-seventies pharmaceutical Bukky Jr. , among other swells, is on thc
a.s aLtcmp(u1$ to kill EH:ghuay t Haiti's news. Ontho. the Pill manufacturer, has board). would surçl nest-n dream of deny-
star ¡md rcarir MishcI Landon Trupp awarded its 'sctond annual Twenty-First ing (hilolrL-n the ri1hr to wear nr things
thought L4Íkk)c was ¡1 NUI He evikntiy Century Woman Award. Among tht Vaegcrs rocnt Creo Sooety kncft (on tht
(k*Sflt untkrtnd rhar shings arc rwvrr judges were Retty Friedari and Bella UN tntetnationiil Chiidrens Fmvrgcixy
blick whitc anymurc. Abuug. The wmnhier of the S 10.000 award. Fund raised $Sl(l.lX)O. and although a
Spcak;n ut rih. smarmy. guoti-Iouking hosen trum I .0(10 canoIidatc. was a Che-r- mil-c- S7-t.000 attuallv -ent to) the tihanity
(ntis whnrn i>chr pupk thisk ¿rc Nuis. t>kCV Indian named Wilma Mankmlkr Yargtr was mffetl at trie publio cnitc,sm
4Imosrprcsident Dan Quityk (whose ía- chf Mankslltr. as the Ahaug-Friedan ht- endured. It wnild lw- a shame ho
thcr md in-Iaw du. rn f,iii. tibrib tu pnzcwmnnv is allcd ufficialI). Onu again. said. i1 our materialistic soucty robbed
cr)pto-Nazt puhlkations) remains a na- It iS entirel) their koision but (or Gods even harity of all it imnplws by an unne-
tiunal pkaur. As part 1 an ad ho mau- sake. the se v enties resival was supposed to k-nnng fxtas on the honoin liric.
gtmatmom ekbranon. Swedish consul gen- bc a Nancy Reagan. now liberated is being
cral Ar Thoren a dmpomat. mind you 11e- First o)Ifl(fl5 Bank, a rccc ot canolid about her own unrelenting focus on
- t1lt-cI Quiiylc an mnuIt to the rest ((any k-inimiist residue- Irum tw days when rk botom line. ')X'ben a re-portes cold her
çmt the V.OtI(I Just wait a tiarn wond eserything was hl.nk ut white (and that that she could get S.?'i.(X)(l for drluverrng a
thcre. Arne. he may he an alarmingly ulm- has survived literally in uit- shadow ut . few after-dinner platitudes. Nancy go cx-
qualmfwd Iavahou. but by God. hes our ut . oI Short- Imngero-d Vu Igarian
. . ured. Trnry-hs-e she purred 1jt
alarmingly unqualihed layabouc. was1 I()wVr). is hanging its name after I scars sounds good. ÌÏWfl Nancy was told that
not as areíuI as I should ha'e Ix-cn, the of existente to th First New Yikk Flank oliver North. tut- To-lion okfrndanr and
consul general said later. ÍcgnIng an (or Business Crawen. Itç-mn-chc-gtnv national hero. gets $25.000 for his
apoIog. specehes. Hc dues' the former first lads
Things really an- never blik or whmn- tq)llrtl, ttit dollar signs st-rs
¡mmore espvuatly not black: Jcssc Ja&k nearly visible iii twt eyes Icts make that
son. among others. has deiided chat hcncc- IO flor mne).
(orth haek pvti'Ie should be called Mn- 7øP Id Mers. her husbands 1oya1 and
an-Amvricans. hs their d«ision. )o" beloved former pet. gels only 112,5(X)
certainly. hut we never thought lmflyI-KxIy 'er spte h But tut- Ammiitan people the
wouki takv this scvcnt,vs rcvwal mImmnt so ;! lirtk people. tht- regular lolk. the imtittms
wrzoush (Memo toJetse matter what , t-)
who untk-rssanj lIlaO wlmi it 01)111(5 tO) '.()fl-
anyl)()dy else tells you. cake mt Irum u a.t (litt UI intero-sr and influence-peddling.
lid) oli o/ie djshths,) Zusagt 4?? atrrr quilt W.nk oc ¿01fl1( in)-
It was during the ñrsi nostalgia craze in jacte they re about I-d Met-se. I can
thy seventies, that the death penalty made hardly go through an ainport, he says.
Its omehack. Hut what at first seemned sothout people omning up to me and
nsaIIv tomnpht&ted and ugly has now thanking rTx. . lt mug happen a dozen


turned ph)JzcaII3 eompIm(a(ed and za's. times a wet-k Of course it does; H. Fu.
Texas -ai two minutes into exemuting. by :/ssthihankj a loi!
means o( lethal mnet,on. its last pers(rn tor pandering tu the Zemtgeis No merely Wc can hardly go through an air-
19S8. a man named Ra!,-mond Landnv (no the sont øf presto-thango flexibility that JIQ((fl011 it its I.a Guardia or Logan ut
reIa,on to Tom). when thy cube fevdrnj makes the American service sector so Natuonul without being re-tflukk-d that
the puee into hu arm sprang a leak. squirt- dynamic. whit 'mas at Christmas a pkasantly shabby
ing lethal drug toward thc sIetatos. Lan- The presmdenr of the First Womens air chunk sers-mec is nnrun by .. by .
dry gro.omwd death was dde'sI. And it Bank. a woman narne-d Neak Godfrey, by a pnlminrnr blondish couple (a couple
was allh:ifaa/: Landry was very musen- itimped ship early - 'shr had some of ht-r ssiso. h the way. are going to upgrade The
lar and had I\ipcyc-type arms. a spokes- own Zeirgeist-pandering w attend to. Plais Isorel by building a limousine dis-
man hw Olio Tex attorney general said. Godfrey has started the Children's Finan- parher s kiosk) Thr iisset. the bkind buI-
Whcn thc stuff was towing. mt wouldnt coal Network. a tranhiscd service ro (Sift-f lionaire said of the shuttic when basteen snil
go) into the veins checking accounts. nantial-planning in- owned it. ms being totally destructeol. Alas,
Et-rie mnidenoes. nothing s black on formation and hnance-unienrvd toys to things arr never so black ut white anymore.
whoc. th ugly turns zany. a kinder arid children as young as five. And in che nick the asset asnt destructed. and the . the
gentler Anxiïca: LA s unkic-tilkd ike- oftime. tx thy anti-iangibk-asc-t othuals . . the philanthropist-aviator was permit-
slung Suarc was reently the site oC an who run Iljltimnun-s public schools havc ted by a court ro bus- the airline after all . But
ad ho WCl(OflCthe N mt-tics katival. lust imposed a new oint-sa code that prohib- (lit-re was omni- heartening prosct as spnng
Rleshnun a person wearing a red ape Its kids from wearing gold ccIry or furs ai. uisltiOn season approa hvtl Somcwht-rc
and lcotrd and a glanr. smiling Clorox lus in school. olown the lmne. th Queens-horn builder
over his head showed up to cncoun-age Marshall Vegt-í. a soap opera writer Tmr cosvr boy-yathtsmnan-tonspucuous
hroiri addits to dip their syringes in and social dirnber who eum(xted a piulan- USUSUmer predicreol. i'm nor going ro hase
hitach as an anti-AIDS pneeaucion. thn py aIkd the ( .rtii S.xicty (William F. anything to) bUy. b
I2IflMAACH 1919
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Prom the spy mailroom: Theres some-
thing we'd like to nip in the bud. Two
readers from Loi Angeles have sent us
their wedding announcement. We ap-
preciate the update on "the changes in
two of your subscriben lives," and we
offer our congratula
tions. But let the rec-
; ord show that the
t.. couple did not meet

in this column or
anywhere else ri Sn
And we feel that publishing their names
would set a very bad precedent In no
time readen would be asking us to send
messages to other readers about how
they enjoy moonlight and lobster and
Mozart diveitimenti but not fotties and
to please enclose a photo.
John Szekely of Upland, California,
has ordered a spy T-shirt (large) and has
written on the bottom of his order form,
"Who is the highest-ranking civil ser-
vont to send you hate mail? That's an
easy one: Senator Alan K. Simpson, in
last November's Letters section. Now
do we win a John Siekely T-shirt?
Bill Pfriender of Spring Lake, New
Jeney, has sent us a poem about sty.
Thanks, Bill. The thing is, on the enve-
lope you directed the poem to 'Letters'
but inside you indicated it wos a sub-
mission, so we dont know whether to
make fun of it here, in this column, or in
the unsolicited-manuscript column that
follows. (Were not being cruelit's sn
policy to make tun of even good poetry,
since we don't publish any poetry at all,
And we can't run it as o letter because
of the "submitted by" part that
doesn't really make it a letter to the
editor,now, does it? Procedurally, sys-
temwise and administratively speaking,
you've got us stymied.)
The November issue arrived with a
bonus for Laura E. Pinto of Windsor,
Ontario: "at least one thousand self-
adhesive address labels bearing the
name 'Catherine Mackay.'" She asks
whether these labels were included in
the plastic wrapper intentionally. Of
count. Don't be alarmed, it's just a sub-
scription giveaway some people got
wv sunglasses, you got a thousand ad-
hesive Catherine Mackay labels.
Actually, Bill, we like the poem.
Carde Johnson of Tuscaloosa, Ala-
bama, spent October 28, 1988, writing

¡6 SPY MARCH 1989

to SPYFour letters. The breakdown: DEAR EDITORS clore you get too DEAR EDITORS her does not fit your
(1) Edgar Allan Poe and Elvis Aron Pres- smug about your annoying" list [The
ley: a comparison; (2) suggestions for powers of perception CLogrol!ing in Our Spy ioo, October). Her total honesty and
"Separated at Birth?"; (3) "You really
Timefl), remember that Ambrose Bierce personality make her desirable to hear
mustn't knock Bono"; (4) partial retrac- noted in 1883 in Wasp, about and follow. Very few people find her
tion of third letter. Slow day in Our magazines are the advertising circu- annoying. .It was so depressing to see
. .

Tu sca lo osa
¡ars ofthe book-publishers who own you do not like Cher. J do like your
them. Their function is to puff the
Really, Bill, we do. Especially the magazine!
"classy as it gets/sassy as it gets" books which first appeared as serials in Tom Mills
partthat's us. their pages. In their pages their writers Cambridge, Massachusetts
Alex Winter of Lewiston, Maine, puff' one another. In the Atlantic, for And we do like you Tom.' Look. let's not let
caught the Firesign Theatre allusion in example, T. B. Aldrich (a nerveless, col- C&er come between iii.
November's Letters section (the bit orless jelly-Fish of literature) will have a
long laudatory ofW. D, Howells.
about Ignatz Raztwixkiwzki pronounc-
in9 his name "danger") and thanks us A few months later W. D. Howells will DEAR EDIrORS ope, it's irving Howe
for it. "Where in hell ore those guys?" have a long laudatory review of Henry vs. Philip Roth [The
he asks. Jack Montgomery of Manda- J ames, Jr. Later, Henry James, Jr. will,
Feuding System, November).
rin, Florido, probably doesn't know. He come to the fore with a long laudatory Now, please fix this major boner in a
writes to say that the correct pronunci- review of T. B. Aldrich, and the circle is subsequent issue or I'm going to be mad at
ation is " Ratzky-watzky, " and identifies complete. Three dwarfs have cowered you and may stop submitting good Sepa-
Ignoti as "the never-seen serviceman above the heads of their fellow men by rated at Birth? suggestions, such as
who impregnated Betty HuttonOUT standing on one another's shoulders in Johnny Carson and Tommy Smothers, just
OF WEDLOCK!!in that madcap com- turn. for instance.
edy of the 1940s, The Miracle of Mor- R. uifichae/ Lieberman Fred Ruhm
gon's Creek."
San Franc:s'o, California Oakland, New Jersey
But you see, Bill, there's really noth-
¡ng we can do about it, and it's probably
just going to fall through the cracks. DEAR EDITORS was sitting at home, DEAR EDITORS e enjoyed your spoof
Charlotte De Jager, writing in the watching daytime TV, of Bare Bones: Con-
third person from Fairfield, Ohio, "de- and on comes Super Password. And out versations on Terror with Stephen King FSo
nies mayhem in her seemingly innocent come the two celebrity contestants: Marcia What's Wrong With Being Mu!-
letter" of last year, which was written Wallace, the from the old Bob tifaceted?,by Martin Kihn, November).
Neuhart Show, and . G. Gordon Liddy!
. . But finding contradictions in Mr. King's
on misleading pink-and-blue stationery
and was dealt with here in September. Of course, Liddv did a fine job, winning a interviews over an eight-year period must
This time the gloves are off: menacing
lined yellow notepaper.
. tb :i.:i-i -4
A couple of follow-ups on s' stories: round or two by using the word strap as a have been a little like shooting a sitting
First, despite the defeat of the five- clue for jock and guessing prison as the duck. Over time everyone's tastes and opin-
answer to the clues hard and going. ions change, and that includes writers,
foot-eight-inch presidential candidate
last fall, our thesis that short men are I'm hoping the old Watergate gang will editors, politicians and possibly even
taking over (June 1987 cover story) con- take on the Iran-contra bunch on Family magazines.
tinues to gather evidence, as teensy, Feud. The Gaters would kick butt, don't In any case, Steve didn't edit this collcc-
self-employed Henry Kravis and Shear- YOU agree? non. W'did.
son's teensy Peter Cohen (who is "self- Stephen Perrine Tim underwood and Chuck i%Iiller
conscious about his five-foot-six Brooklyn Novato, California
height," according to the Times) are
leading the alchemy-in-reverse trans-
DEAR EDITORS oel Siegel reviews s' DEAR EDITORS I could relax
formation of corporate America into a
after you ran my letter
mountain of leveraged-buyout debt.
'New England, '
' [Joel Siegel Reviews last June, and leave your busy mailroom
Second, an addition to "Will the Real by Michael Crawford,
Man Behind I New York Please Stand December): staff alone. (I got a copy of Z, by the way.
up" (by Ned Zeman, October): ust who Hysterically funny! Harry Shearer never and I can't say I understood all of it [Let-
did invent the transistor? (a) Walter wore nicer clothes [Jacket Required, De- ters to SPY, June); but Knut Hamsun
Brattain, John Bardeen and William cernber)! I stood up and cheered! (Which Ingemar Johansson Separated by a Mid-
Shockley; (b) NASA; (c) the Republican was awkward and embarrassing when you wife? - a stitch!)
Party. All seem to have claimed to. sri' consider where I read spy!) I did not write when you so risibly pillo-
contributor Andy Aaron took a tour of One of the top ten magazines of the year! ned my old college chum Richard Samuel
NASA's Kennedy Space Center at Cape Joel Siegel West, who was, incidentally, at one time a
J Neu' York very nice guy [From the SPY Mailroom,
MARCH 1989 SPY 17
Canaveral 15 years ago and remembers
hearing a guide laying claim (for NASA)
to the invention (a spokesman today
says NASA would never take credit for
that but admits that "we have made
significant advances in the field of
microminiaturization" and allows that
NASA may hove been involved in "mi-
nor incremental changes"). And at last
summers GOP convention, Pat Robert-
son said, "Ladies and gentlemen, the
Republican Party wants to write a tale
of another city. We are the children of
those who tamed the wilderness. . ..
We are the heirs of those who enriched
the world with the electric light, the
telephone, the airplane, mass-produced
automobiles, the transistor. . . We are
Republicans." Golly, we didn't realize
lus, how much we had to thank Pat
Robertson and company for. The an-
swer is, of course, (a)the three men
invented it at Bell Labs in 1947. On the
other hand, maybe they were all
Last October in this space we leveled
a few casual threats at the pupils of
New York's Hunter College High School
for co-opting our "Separated ot Birth?
logo and idea in their yearbook, An-
nalsnothing really mean, just a pass-
¡ng threat to ruin their careers at some
point in the future. We've now received
a letter from the staff of Annals 1989,
informing us that this year the preco-
clous little devils plan to expand their
look-alikes section to two pages. They
justify it this way: " 'Separated at
Birth?' implies that each pair of people
is really a pair of twins, and we believe
that the two people in each of our pairs
are really one and the some person."
Furthermore, they've come up with a
different, catchier title of their own this
time: "Have You Ever Seen These Peo-
pIe in the Same Place at the Same
Time?" We like it. We just may steal it.
Speaking of which, we admit we've
lost interest in doing periodic roundups
of the pervasive srr influence in other
publications and also the occasional
roots-of-spy acknowledgments. We
thank readers who continue to send us
examples, but we'll henceforth let it go
(except for those Hunter kidsthey're
hnished). Let's all face it: it's o sp-de-
rivative world, and vice versa.
Oh, Bill? The check is in the mail. )

October); or even when Mrs. De Meni! someone who glides around town in his
finally wrote in about her son [Letters, Oc- Lincoln town car, wearing an expensive
rober). (AU the same, watch her.) What sweatsuit and a baseball cap with MAYOR
prompts this worried note is your conten- embroidered on it in gold thread? This
tion in The Fine Print [by Jamie Malanow- self-described night owl, attired in the
ski, November) that Richard Nixon ran aforementioned lounging outfit, also ad-
for president as a New York favorite son. mitced recently to paying a lace-night visit
Richard Nixon was not born here, nor did to a young woman who makes her living
he ever run for state of&e. Worked for a dancing nude, on the pretext of introduc-
local law firm, I grant you; kept a Manhat- ing himself to her three-year-old son.
tan townhouse, educated his daughcers, The Spy shutterbugs may also want co
even so. But, as I think some song goes, drop in on the mayor's next birthday party,
California named him, California claimed especially if it's like some of the past
him. And that's that. bashes. One favorite took place in the club
Joe Gioia where the dancer mentioned above per-
Brooklyn forms. Ac one point in the evening one
All qui/e true, 6'i he did run as a New York young voman spent an extraordinary
resideni. And he's always been a favorite of amount of time underneath thc mayor's
ours. table, reportedly looking for a dropped
book of matches. Light my fire, indeed!
By the way, before you mock my corn-
DEAR EDITORS glaring omission from munity of residence, as you have done co so
your pages has been many before, you should know that only
detected lately. How is it har such a large che truly deranged, a few politicians and
and slow-moving target as Jann Wenner those people whom they breed to work at
has escaped the cross hairs of your occa- the Motor Vehicle Bureau actually live in
sionally well-aimed jibes? Is there some- D.C. The rest of us commute to work on
thing you are not telling us? Is there a type what passes for a subway around bere.
ofpub]icist who is paid to keep names out Jack Sheehan
of certain publications, or Germantou n , ilaryland
cions closer than that?
So many questions. So much white
space. DEAR EDI1ORs s a soon-to-be-cerci-
Reginald Fessenden fled public accountant I
f'i;';'r; i

Austin, Texas and devour Mickey Rourke fan, I was dis- me Certifiably Nuts the laughing, I

See No. 59 opi last October's SPY ¡00 or rnayed to note Heaven's Gaie missing from talking strait jacket containing 12 oz.
¡970f (December) or "The 100 Greatest Is- his list of credits VThe Unstoppables, by
of unshelled peanuts.

sucs ofRolling Stone Magazine ofihe Last 20 Rod Granger and Doris Toumarkine, I
understand each bag comes
Years" (December). November). The omission will not only I
with a patient histoiy and commit-
cost United Artists substantial video rent- I
mentpapergiftcardandcosts I

als from the Rourke contingent of sys I

$19.95 plus $4.00 shipping and i
handling per bag. (California resi-
DEAR EDITORS ow delightful it was to readers, but, by bringing Rourke's toral to I

dents add 6.5% sales tax.)

ñnd Washington, more than $100 million, it would have i

I have enclosed a check or mon-
D.C., mayor Marion Barry included in made him the hands-down Unstoppable I
C order in the amount of $ i
your paean to fall [Great Expectations, champ. I for bag(s). I will wait patient- i
November). (By the way, it is Barry, not After Heaven's Gare and Year of the I ly (no pun intended) 8 to IO weeks I

Berr but that's an understandable mis- Dragon, the mind can only wonder what for delivery. I

take, given his physical shape.) Many of us effect the Rourke factor" could have had :

find Barry to be a politician in the mold of on Michael Cimino's third bomb of the IName i

Al Sharpton, only less reputable. l980s, The Sicilia,,.

iAddress i
Since Hizzoner is a regular visitor to Blame Faulkner
New York, he should be considered fair EI Cajon, California
game for your gentle apes. After all, here We tried io concentrate on movies in which our I

is a man who has stated on several oeca- Unstoppables played starring roles, either be- iThlephone
sions that he is second in importance only fore or behind the cameras. Having already,
to the president of the United States, and uh, credited Heaven's Gate tofellow Unstop- i
1142 Manhattan Avenue #332 i
who travels with a security entourage only pables Michael Cimino and Km Kristofferson, I

Manhattan Beach, CA 90266


slightly smaller than that accorded the first it would bave been unfair io charge it off on I
Void where prohibited.

family. How can Ed Koch hold a candle to Rourke's account as well. L --------------- J
Some of the most
mportant issues
management will face
n the next 12 months.
I -

c .
I -rt
Its here Anotheryearofmcrgers, acquisi
tions, spinoíís, layoffs, buyouts, bailouts, H- ,. ..

hirings and firings. All the things that ¡

ma e i e at t e top ot t e corporate ladder


exciting and---sometimesshort. !1
7 i .. ..
Simple survival is the main reason why I

J ,. .

the biweekly arrival of Forbes is so important 7 /

to so many in management. And that's not
lust our opinion. According to a study
J '. J


gives them the best information ou

companies, as well as the best judgments : ' . .
and insïghts. But survival isn't the only ' .
thingthey also say it's the most enjoyable. ,,
lt's because Forbes gives both executives _ìr
and investors the information they Ii

need in a form they enjoy that Forbes I .7 -. '

enjoys such a wealth of megarich read CRY.BAìS

I or es I

'i'" .

ers. Subscribers who have household ai.', V

incomes of over S160..000 and invest- i

nient portfolios of over $895,000. I

\ --
With one out of three a millionaire.
And while America's business and No doubt this is
financial leaders find Forbes to be why the Publishers Information Bureau
the most informative, liveliest and consistently ranks Forbes among the If you want your advertising to be
most enjoyable of the major business leaders in total advertising pages. Why seen and well received by the upper
magazines, advertisers are happy to biweekly Forbes carries more ad pages ranks of management, put it in the
find that it's the least expensive way than Time, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated business magazine they consistently
to reach them. or U.S. News land, of course, Fortune). vote their favorite. Forbes.

20 SPY MARCH 1989

DEAR EDITORS hen I was in school, the concept into a public message, and I able ro you, and you would have seen for
I used to amuse my- certainly have not claimed credit for any of yourself the lengthy, in-depth, detailed let-
seW during boring classes by making ana- the above, as my bio in Whos Who clearly ters that I had sent to numerous people
grams. (E. Graydon Carter CORNET indicates. There are several people who upwards of a year and a half before any
READY: RAG!, GRODY CAREER should take credit for being part of a team meetings actually took place relative to the
ANT.) But my teachers discouraged me. led by Joe Baum who deserves a good- campaign.
They told me no one could make a living size chapter in a book yet to be written, These letters outline the concept and
from anagrams. (Kurt Andersen STAR- namely the history of twentieth-century needs for such a campaign and like my
KEEN NURD, DRUNKEN STARE.) restaurants as a social institution. Please client pitch lettersserved as the basis
Like a fool, I believed them. also read my article in Travel & Leisure in for the campaign.
John T Durkip, connection with the 25th anniversary of Charles Moss at Wells, Rich. Greene
Monk/air. Neu jersey this extraordinary institution. knew of my plan my dream for over a
Although J don't usually dispense free year before I actually laid out a specific
advice, I will make an exception at this program and corralled him into getting in-
DEAR EDITORS satirical magazine time: dont try ¡o had, because, in the volved in the campaign. Moss sat at my
must keep its credibil- immortal words of A. J. Liebling, you bedside while I nursed a broken leg and for
ity, or it becomes like the hyperyellow jour- will boot yourself in the posterior. nearly a year heard me outline my plan to
nais sold in supermarkets. Ned Zemans George Lang save New York.
piece [Will the Real Man Behind INY Neu York For a long time Moss credited me with
Please Stand Up, October) not only smells having created the campaign. Then Mary
of desperation trying to get enough ma- Wells Lawrence stopped him because she
terial for a basically good ideabut some DEAR EDITORS hile it is plain in the realized Wells, Rich, Greene could build
of it is so false that even the opposite of his final analysis in Ned their future on supposedly having created
statements is not true. Take the case of the Zeman's story that I created the INY the campaign. They realized I wasnt look-
Four Seasons, for instance. Philip Johnson campaign and that I was the only person ing for credit, and it was the most con-
never claimed to invent Chocolate Velvet, telling the truth, I wish that the piece had structive, successful campaign of its nature
Mies van der Rohe took no credit for the conducted further investigation into the or- in history.
brilliant concept, George Lois is perfectly igins of the campaign. Robert M . Zaren:
happy with rcceiving credit for translating I would gladly have made my files avail- New York
DEAR EDITORS y fears for the future thiigs. Ratzu.'ikzizwki 's name has alu'ays
of the Review of Re- been spelled the saine in si"i' always. Yots
"ffyoiivebeen searchingfor : viewers column have been allayed. Ignatz's overiired. Get some rest, Mc. ¡-leniz. See a'
something to enflance the piece about dance critics in the November movie. How about a good George Cukor filen?
sensual side of your life... issue was trenchant and marvelously funny. Now that you enentioci it, Gaslight u'ould 6e
Yellow Silk offers fiction, po- I'll never read Kisselgoff again without an excellent choice.
etiy, art, reminiscences, and giggling. I never read Kisselgoff before
reviews of material that cele- without giggling, but now the future is
brate the erotic In a way that
manages to be both tasteful secure. DEAR EDITORS hile perusing your
andjuicy. The writing ranges ' Art Mirray latest issue and
from earthy and funny to

Saddlebrook, New Jersey reading the article on the basically nonexis-
: tender and thoughtfui, and tent boundaries between politicians and
the art is exquisite. Highly journalists [Everybodys a Great Commu-
recommended." DEAR EDITORS guess you can be too nicatoi by Jack Hitt and Bob Mack.
Medic.a1 Si1f-Care thin. The arrival of VG- November] I was struck by your comment
Day has reminded me of your recent article on William Safire. Besr New York Times
on Grenada [Rccurn to Grenada,' by Guy columnist This commendation for a man
Martin, July), to which I'd like to append who, among his many other egregious acts,
the following fashion tip: in any formerly felt compelled to write a nauseating paean
leftist country that has recently been over- to Roy Cohn in his column at the time of
run by U.S. Marines, no matter how lithe that slimeballs death After a few mo-
J!)I29RT and stylish you may look in black it's un-
wise for Americans to wear clothing clearly
labeled spy, as illustrated by your corre-
ments' reflection I realized that you put in
the little zinger for Sake as a payback for
the Times column each month. In other
spondent's jungle photo. You're likely to words, William Salire is really ghosting for
earn the undeserved appellation CIA red- J. J. Hunsecker. lsnt he?
neck" from the entertaining but uniri- De Kenneth R. Weinberg
formed natives. New York

:'\\ Incidentally, black tees and sweatshirts

clearly labeled CIA Can be obtained from
che California Institute of the Arts, in Va-
lencia, California, alma mater of such po-
rentially suspicious operatives as Pee-wee
Herman and Tim Burton.
Na. In fact,

Mr. Hnnsecker has been ghosting
Mr. Safire 's column all these years.

how me to congratu-
late you on this year's
Ker'in Bfrìrke excellent SPY I 00 issue [October). Espe-
Hell's Kitchen ciaHy gratifying to me were the copious
references to professional wrestling (my fa-
vorite sport) scattered discreetly through
DEAR EDIToRs couple issues have several articles:
L_ really got me per- (1) My own letter on lron Mike DiBi-
,,AII persuassnn%; no bruiaIit." plexed. Why is it that every time Ignatz's ase's heart attack on page 37
name appears in print, it seems to pick up (2) Frank from the Bronx in WEAN
\v s M.rwin Ntoiake Shinge Susan an extra vowel or consonant along the way transcript on page 62 mentions another
(;ritÍr Roh(rt Silvcrherg \4avuni (A simple issue, I know, but I have a low wrestling death, Bruiser Brody's stabbing in
k'rn Gcnit .. T.e Corinne Pierrv Lous Gaslight threshold.) Also, the word Puerto Rico at the hands of Invader No. 3
(;.ir Soto Itid Dater Marg Piercy
k..ica Hagedorn 'Nul an Kotiwinkk preterizatarally appeared no fewer than ten (3) Monstrous Henchrnen on page 77
Frie Gill Marilyn I Licker Iìn ArgüeIIp'c times in your November issue. Was this includes Andre the Giant
ChirIotte MIfld(í O(taio l'di :
deliberate, or did one of your editorial (4) John Brodie's Rcgi.ilar Guy Manhat-
staffers forget ro change his word-a-day tan map on page 1 06 includes World
calendar Straight answers are not expected Wrestling Federation wrestling at Madison
ys, ro 6374. Albany CA 94706
$20/year Quarterly
but would be greatly appreciated. Aside Square Garden under events.
from that. you guys make me scream. Clinton S. Freeman
Thrtse L. Hentz New York
ADoless Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Although the word preternaturally appears in
every issue of spy, it's possible that the No- DEAR EDITORS our FEUDS! cover story
$20/AIR PIR VEAL U.S. FUNDS. i vember issue was preternaturally brinming. (by Lynn Hirschberg,
As for Ratzwizkiwzki s name chan,ging its November) was interesting, funny and
spelling, nonsense. Surely you're imagining epic in scope.

Ud like to use SPY as a forum to start a
j,ersonal feud (being a celebrated letter
writer, considering t've had two letters Each licked
printed in the past year in Rolling Stone,
check issue Nos. 5 19 and 538) with self- the last kiss
SPY crusader Michael
appointed old-style
Gates of Brooklyn (Letters, November]. - of chocolate
Where do you get off, Gates, criticizing
this wonderfully perfect example of a satir- 7frouIade from the
ical monthly simply b«ause ir has more
pages? A magazine is not like a model; Then
other's lips.
having fewer pages is not tastefully
svelte, but usually means less content; they = went home
having more pages is not corpulent, but
rather a way to give you more for your and made love.
money. However, my main peeve against
Gates is his description of s' as a whim- The food
skai alternative ro the humorless Neu'
Yorker. Ridiculous! SPY is the eighties that good.
semisophisricated distillation of the satiro-
paranoid attitude of mid-fifties Mad. To
I give the best of luck in the future.

To Michael Hideously Bloated GatesI

throw down the gauntlet.
181 WEST 10TH STREET 242-7350. I
Dave Platt
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada JOHNCLANCY'S C
206 EAST 63RD STREET 752-6666
DEAR EDITORS et your act together,
SPY. Feuding is an in-

teresting subject, but you've made a mess

of it. You've also got a number of facts
or 'facts, as a SPY would writewrong.
Now, we all know that when the computer
comes up with a good quote, it's better not
to check it out because even the most
venerable quotes are wrong. I assume
that's why you checked almost nothing
with me. Worse, as there is no context of
any kind, no one who reads you will ever
know why I said any of the things artrib-
uted to me, Apparently, out of the blue, I
insult someone for no reason.
When you first rang mc, I told you
gently, firmly, that my feuds are usually
political in origin. But you weren't buying
that. You also never explain how Ior
anyonecan have a feud (which implies
some sort of intimacy at some rime) with a
mere acquaintance like R. F. Kennedy,
W. F. Buckley, R. Guccione and T. Bro-
kaw. If politics (artistic matters also in-
volve the po/ii) are not the common dc-
nominator, what on earth is?
Now, I know that you find ir impossible
to believe that anyone can be interested in
anything outside himself. Out there in
Hustler-land all is Hype, Turf, Vanity and
Spy's own most powerful emotion, Envy.

\1 R( 1») SPY
To take seriously something outside one's police were rioting as Buckley and I were sexuality, to poor Tom's despair. You got
own hustle is as mysterious to SPY as Grace on air; police were beating up and teargas- this particular story from a Time magazine
is to me. This means that there is no way sing antiVietnam War demonstrators; cover piece on the vicissitudes of TV's
for you to understand why I should object delegates too. Buckley characterized those newsreaders. The truth? The reverse. On
so strenuously to Mailer's attack on Wo- being beaten up as Nazis, and i said that air, Brokaw asked me why I wrote so much
mens Liberation in The PriionerofSex. The they werent Nazis but if there was one about bisexuality (I don't), and I made a
best explanation that you can come up anywhere on the premises, etc. . . . If this mild joke, said ir was too early in the
with is that Mailer nailed Vidai early on exchange with someone who was, socially, morning for such talk and I preferred to
by saying, 'He lacks the wound. Yes, a stranger to me, isn't political. what is? talk politics. Pluckily, he reread the ques-
Mailer did write that ( I still don't know Errors: When Vidai sued Guccione (he tion that someone else, I hope, had written
what he meant by it), in a book called also sued Capote, William F. Buckley Jr. down for him. Fed up, I said that I was not
Ader:isernen:sfor Myself which I reviewed and many, many others) . . . Real dumb, going co discuss bisexuality with him but
most favorably in The Nation. Surely if I spy. Real lazy too. I have never sued any- that I was going to talk about Jimmy
lusted for Revenge, I would have got it one except Capote (for libel, which I won). Carer, whom we'd just been watching On
then. I have never been sued by anyone except the monitor; and I did. lt was not Tom
Your report of my TV debate with Buckley, as a result of my response in Es- Brokaw's finest hour. He got Even, as a spy
Buckley makes it seem as if I suddenly quire to his attack (in Esquire) on me. You would say, in the Time interview by revers-
turned to him on air and called him a write, Lawsuits and countersuits followed ing the story. Later I ran into him at a party
Nazi. Aren't you even mildly curious as to but Vidai settled out of court. I did not and asked him why he'd lied to TimeI
why I said this? For sPy it is enough that I settle out of court. I was eager to go to used a nicer verb. He couldn't remember
must, somehow, have Envied him for his trial. But shortly before we were due in court, exactly, he said. Anyway, its flOt his word
astonishing beauty arid long words re- Buckley dropped his suit against me. Chat against mine, the sort of vague, messy
verse the adjectives if you like, if you with your lawyers, si'y. I hear the creak of story SPY truly loves: you can look at the
haven't already, and so, Viciously, Outra- prison doors, and there is no Mike tape.
geously (two words applied by our masters Dukakis to furlough you. Lesson: when you deal with me or Mary
(O anyone who gives away the scam), I The final error is not entirely your fault. McCarthy, you are moving out of hustler-
called him a Nazi. Even if you aren't curi- You write that before I went on the Today land to a high ground where you stray at
ous, I'm sure your readers must be. So show (1980?), Tom Brokaw asked mc to your peril. lt is called Criticism, and at its
here's the context: At the 1968 Chicago discuss politics, not bisexuality. Then, on best, no matter how harsh or even unfair, it
convention of the Democratic Parry, the air, I, Viciously, Outrageously, talked bi- is disinterested. McCarthy was not jealous

24 SPY MARCH 1989

lVs here. 4

The Warner Bros. debut
of a beloved entertainer
who introduction.
But you


ßßVED EN1ÌR.4, a'

ofHeilman; she thought her a literary and

And from the spy mailroom floor: Possi- we won't publish it. How can we lose if
political fraud. I was not jealous of Mailer;
bly because of our recently adopted he's expecting rejection?
I thought him wrong on the sexual politics
scorchedearth policy regarding unso- Someone in Bellevue, Washington,
of women's liberation.
licited manuscripts, the pickings lately wants to submit a 1,100-word recipe for
Final thought: the inability to tell good
have been slimmer but of greater ambi- "The Best Pizza You Ever Ate" a
from bad, relevant from irrelevant, the
tion. Viz,: At last, someone has sent topic, critics of SPY have long main-
joke (this is crucial) from the straight line,
along a 4,800-word sat- tamed, that we have covered to death.
is true decadence. That's it, spy.
ire about cheese in fu- A Canadian-bred Manhattanite pro-
See you in federal court. Have a nice '

turistic America. At poses a piece titled "Particle Metaphys-

pretrial deposition.
Gore Vidai
HoIIyu.00d, California
Shortly after Mr. Vidai uni this letter. he
N last, someone has writ-
ten proposing an article
on Samoan sexual prac-
tices today. At last, we have been of-
ics: Subjective Reality and The Last
Temptation of Christ"; his postscript is
a siy appeal to the tragic fellow-Cona-
dian-ness of one of spy's editors, A
ca/led s' tojind out ¡fue d received it. ¡n the
fered the opportunity to assign a story woman keeps sending us snapshots
course ofa diSCUr5iz;e and wholly pleasant col-
on a specific aspect of Spain's post- the latest are of dinosaurs, tanks, T-
/oqiy. Mr. Vidai. who once jaid. 'Ai one gets
Franco culture. At last. shirts and canned goodsand demand-
older, litigation replaces sex. delivered a
The cover letters are improving as ing a check. Andpay attention, all of
tongue-lashing for n'hai he claimed wen nu-
well, as more and more would-be con- youthe editors of the North Atlantic
merouss errors. J'undaunenta/ among them that
tributors are discovering flattery. "lt oc- Review have sent us an announcement
he was not a recidivist litigator. Mr. Vidai
curs to me that your publication might stating that they (unlike SPY) are "look-
claimed to have sued only one perso?! in his iiJ',
appreciate some of my work," writes an ing for fiction, poetry, humor, satire, es-
and that was Truman Capote. Th say other-
Ottawa man, enclosing some poems. says, criticism, book reviews, art work
u'ise. he informed sis solemnly. wouid be ac-
Another man writes, "After a few bad and photos." Address: 15 Arbutus
tionable. SPY stands by its story.
ones, the November issue was really Lane, Stony Brook, N.Y. i 1790-1408.
funny." No question, we are predis- Oh, and here's one more envelope,
spy u.'elcomes letters from its readers. Address
posed to send this writer a contract. addressed to the "Light Verse Editor."
correspondence to s"' , The Puck Bnilding,
And another man encloses what he We'll just put it right over here until one
295 Lafayette Street, New York. N. Y.
describes as "a really bitchen film arti- of spy's light verse editors gets back
¡0012. Please include your daytime telephone
de" a Los Angeles manbut predicts from his or her sabbatical. )
number. )

MAR(:H i'.x'spv2

KMrt Ad.nsn C. Grsydon Cwt.v

lt began as E9ITOK%

Thom.. L Phini k
a restaurant so Si.vs S.thrss

i good, people
wanted to stay
PLbLIMH\G 1)1*1(1(1K

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Rita NoeI, L L Vand,pa.r
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Nicks Gostin 10,4010 Holfr.nnrnç
Idi Wilsoti J.nni4.r Winston
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Andy Aaron. Jack Barth. Roy Slount Jr.,

C.liu Srudy, Holly Br(AtOCIl, Chnt Collés,
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lad Fn,nd, Marino Gamier. Jo. Giflée,
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A*ees Dylan CUlIlke L.v
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'With the new tax laws,
these are the only loopholes we
encourage OU to look for'
I(enneth Cole

New York Kennet.h Cole shoes a re also avaikil San Francisco

353 (o1u11hLJs at selected 1)cpariinetit and 1)cciaIt\ tures. 2078 Union St.

V':. ÌTI41 L


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S .1 F5 J tHai is IIMA.

Ii l:Ets i il.vr \\.\ j\( ()N Nvs Ags. bosomy PRI )I I.l(,A( i t4LlIS \ Ill R I( Al I the s .ist
diny-hooL writcr. SALLY QUINN. was upset about a ing C t ssal SU%11eN. Deemiiher I 98 i that i M. PE

recic E.w1,are' prolik UI her triend 1wd Ofletirnc is ovcrseeIIIg .tr SnVEN Joss5 Sui Renio 1'ied-i-terre,
Wa.chángiim Pou CIICagLlc. SHari' COFFEY. thc fresaly It cOIltlflLICS. I11C price t. .tlin yourself; IlLisli (lie
installed executive cdiror of he Lo. Ang/., Iwi.c. plight of the homndess from your thoughts now
11'i: iiiiIdIv criti:aI ot Coffèv. hut
E.k/Hlrt 5(5)1v %%.tS ruiu at S 2 . I I per square tOot t or about t': t:;c
Q uinn was irked by Sorne passing swipes the E.sqs:re the u)St ut building a skyst raper.
Titcr baci taken at ber(suh as repeating old rsmmrs
that Post wrirtrs had ghosted her novd. Regrets
h)'JtJfll4C 1'iftilti,,oi kI
On/ ). So Quinn did wlì.s .tnvone vouId do: she
itsiiipIauicd tO AMANDA 'BINKY" URBAN. who h..p- N,Vlk)NAI. Rin i Aot IAl ION ieiiitxr and Sirnuii
pens to bc. both Quinns trmnd and tI agent for the Sthtistcr e(llti)r ¡n i.lict MICHAEL KORDA has always
HHUGHfl OP THE Coffey proflics author. CRAmG UNGER. I low in Gods htnied hiiiiself, despite his a maus
OPPICIAL DUKAKIS namile. Quinn wanted to know. could Bmnky have 111.111 . Airer comidtnrumi a lung. SJ( mal relationship
allowed a licnt to sa so many horrible thmgs about with LALRIE LISTER. ami emplivec who edited B-lust
As DtfflU(tII COflTIflUC hcir her' Bin$.y was apoIogcti. Binky was reassuring. niemnoirs. kurda dcidccl l.rt t.11 ro lornialiv
. . .

quidrcnnI4I IITortlh(atiofl Unger was not reall her dient. she said. She had '?pr:»r:tlr tlic. Woifleil in lii lite. His wik. MAR.
(crcron1 - thes ar now in agrerd. she c.sid. to represent Unger only Exause his GARET, h1td titliti ideas. and rel)rredlv delivered an
che hisrsh scII-eximin4cIoiI
ptLasc. Thy (int chat tOII()WS ClIC
former agent had died. and Binky rcaIl had noth- Annie Oakleylike. Poz C, hOU ¡O Ute It. Ihit ¡6
halluin.uonlv OptimStI ¿ud Ing to do with him. Binky never so much as re- (,ci lt -ish ultini.truni . Kurda capittilarrd Ikier wa
hv &rashiti dcfc.0 lI4 - turned his phone cIIs. and so on. End of girl ta'k. by DucK SNYDER. SS cliiirman mui(l
thcs vull bUSI uhmschc by
assigning hLmc for IJ.SC falt \Vithin the week. however. Binkv received a a11 l)ltIsrerhuticl The K.ordas sceni lii have we.irhered
loss ii thr prcIidcnnl rk uutiui Iroin Unger a call that she inincdiatcI)
IS()fle the mnisunderstandiuig; they dancd together at tIle
Duoc who tI)IitCfld tiut Clic
took, oddly tiiough \X'hat had she thought of the l.vcrn on the (reemi tie tIirovn to olillik-tiiorate
tatult lies with thc campaign
should luok no turther thauu tiic rqií:re Unger asked. She had liked it very kirLts ?i(l years am S&S k.or(la (-Veli roasted his
campaign's own talking much indeed. Binkv replied. e.cpee:d13 :h bits a/Ms:t " ite. tuIaIILInLZ her tor ismttin UI) ich ht-
pointa. thr onñdcnnal daily Sa/I) Qu:z. ' lne tu tall his O??/?IllWdflt.i a i an
disphcs issucd by thc crutraI
ufike to kcv operalîvts around r/:f.r over tht stars.
thc ounCr lu mal.c suit
CS'CiVt)nC is dchvenng tut Saint
riwabage . Thc) re'caI .i
campaign haracucnicc1 by HE Is Ol UI THE VERY FIW Hollvwoodworkers
misjudgment. misperception. whose talent is conirnensura(e with his arrogane li vot x in F a Suuìon & Schuster author and cele-
defensivcnrss. delusion arid the abosit his caleiu. atiti his tiiìCOmflptOmfliSing take-it- brated X'atergarc reporter. ()U 'ere. naturaIl. iii.
unmistakable odor ol flop
sweaC Here arc some or-leave-it approad to selling the ¿loonstruk sited to K()tda s let s-pretemid-mx lungs-wrong tete
highlights. screenplay probably did as mntich to enhante screen- cle'ribed above. \'oLi sscrc also imiviteti it ynu sere
writers status as any gassy \Vriters Guild I11LitteStO. sifliOIi & Schuswr author auiti \Vatergate fclon JOHN
AUgUSt 1 . 1HE !. UORD
is i.I:.iDERSiilP: The
Nevertheless. JOHN PATRICK SHANUYS impassioned EHRUCHMAN. Trying to let bygones be bygones. the
Rcpublatuis dies vant this pro-union spee(h to 'X'riters Guild Last members erstwhile Nixon man used the occasion co liase a
clesitoti to be aotit issues. So last year. itist before their long. difficult strike u!- Imite chat with his erstwhile nemesis. amiably alliuig
why o they kcp talking
about labrls
lapsed. seemed somewhat lesc moving alter e were tutu Bob agaiii 411tI .tgaiii. \\'hich did flot. per-
told that Shalev had been surreptitioush sending liaps. endear Ehrlichman to CARL BERpismN. whose
August lS A noiI today in the in regular rc rites on his new script. January ¡lan. nickmianie is nut Bob. and svlio during the last dei-
UfJb:NjIos Poi: showed
Dukais lead r.arrowung to which was being filnied during the long. difficult idc has produted three t'wcr best-sellers than his
49'ç -46' . This is exaculy strike about which he so movingly rhapsodized. tormer partner. Boi W000WARD.

o spy MARCH 1989


/-1 spy 'j Horoscopefor Skeptici

nother look at the horoscopes of familiar Subjeth NANCY REAGAN YHI EINE PuNT COPUTINU(D
people on momentous days of their lives. Sign: Cancer (b. 7/6/2 1 ) _
Dot.: October 17, 1988 whaE we expected: its going to
be a vety close. tough race. ...
Subject: GEORGE BUSH Notable Activity: Acknowledged that she had been Tonight George Bush makes
Sign: Gemini (b. 6/ 1 2/24) borrowing designer clothing, in breach of promise the most important speech of
Dote: November 8, 1988 his life. . . Lets face it: its
she had made in i 982 to discontinue the practice
Tension City. He has to hic a
Notable Acthity: Won presidential election Horoscope: Open lines of communication . . . add grand siam.
Horoscope: Anyone who thinks you are scatter- to wardrohe. Sydney Omarr,
brained or irresponsible is about to discover that The Wathingion Pout August 24: Mike Dukakis
pledged the flag every day he
you have been plotting and scheming for a long served his country in Korea. He
tirnc. Patric Walker, Neu' York Pou Subject: MIcHAEL DUKAKIS continues to recise the pledge
Sign: Scorpio (b. 1 1/3/33) today, and schoolchildren
across . . Massachusetts recite
Subjech DAN QUAYLE Date: November 8, 1988 the pledge each morning.
Sign: Aquarius (b. 2/4/47) Notable Activity: Lost presidential election
Doti: November 8, 1988 Horoscope: "Thanks to your determined efforts this August 26: Today. Bentsen
demonstrates the broad appesi
Notoble Activity: Was elected vice president of the month to conceal your motives and emotions, few o( the Dukakis-Bentsen ticket
United States of America are likely to see that beneath your enigmatic facade in the South.
Horoicope: You may feel youre simply playing a youre undergoing a profound process of change
August 29: Dukakis said: The
role, but the better the show you put on, the better and reorientacion. Katharine Merlin, American people aient
the outcome. Katharine Merlin, Town & Country interested . . in a debate over
Toti't, & Country - George Mannes which of us loves his country
the most.
, q $,e e e y , y t y y y y y y y , y y
September 2: FAMILY
REUNION: . . In response to

questions about whether his

PRIVATE LIVES return signified a problem with
THE S PY Lisj the Dukakis campaign. Sasso
pointed out that Dukakis is the
Democratic nominee. presided
Sammy Davis Jr. over the best convention in
recent Democratic history.
James Dean picked a first-rate running mate
and is now running neck and
Pamela Des Barres neck with the incumbent
Vice President. None of this
Marianne Faithfull seemed . . . plausible a year
Susan Gutfreund
September 3: 1n one of the
Jerry Hall most dramatic and moving
moments of the Presidential
Leona Helmsley campaign. Euterpe Dukakis
will join her son Michael at
Jackie in Shampoo Ellis Island.

Bianca Jagger September 9: Correctional

programs are not mistake proof.
Angela Janklow The real issue is how you
reduce crime. and on that score
Sally Kellerman Dukakis is a real leadee.

Sally Kirkland September 16: Bush is on che

ropes. . . this week.
Linda Lovelace
September 22: Bush will be in
Terri Nunn of Boston today to receive the
endorsement of the Boston
the group Berlin Ikiice PtroImens Benevolent
Association. Bush will try to
Nancy Reagan make headlines cían
endorsement that has nothing
Longtime Yankee manager Bill;' Martin prepares/or the start ofanother season. Loree Rodkin to do with who would be the

MARCH 1989 SPY 31

( 1.
a, (($f)( (

TNt FINI PuNI CONTINUID Enchanting anar 16 FIa.hback.' I 964: course sallcd Giving
Alarming Events Alex Karras, who had and Getting Positive
Spcetnbcr 30 Bush unucs Upcoming bven suspended by clic Fevdback. One session
to flail lu sigc uIflc'
poInt% with ChC middle t Izas.
NFL for betting on J \'ice idea. lt goes trom
Lles ining decrardy io 3-5 Ijftlt AflflLlaI games. is reinstated. Island oh che Aucestors 9:O am. co 4:30 p.m.
portray MSD as a big
IturnationaI Cat Show; thereby making hini exhibit opening today Fine tiione of hoursze,
go%criimcsil type.
Madison Square eligible to play himself at the Museum of ciz:/izea'. The cost is
October Thc MSD
. Gtrdcn. The furriest. in Papc Lion in 1968. Natural History. s I 05. Very fair prru-c.
camplign has scrtcd a sertes of most self-satisfied 17 Sc. Vatricks Da Madagascar's lemurs good :'a/e. in/ in faa
ads . . calkd Thy Packaging
01 (iCotgc Bush (chat) show crctttires to assemble at Block associations for bear clic closest ¡he u 'hole prograi)i soundi

aides Io I3ush deciditig to tht: Garden since Duran streets intersecting Fifth rescmL,lance of aii te7Jit- you gii)J are
øuli it, ihe sag. living creatures to
Duran last plavud there. Avenue regret coo-hasty doing a great ¡ob. But ¡11

Ociobcr To rcc' Busti

S 8-12 The Otflcgd detision flot to install human ancestors of "5 did yo!.' like' tix ita;

stands lot the stuus quo; Institute for Holistk Portosans on every some 50 million years we handled this list i,sgt
Dukakis ciands (or h&ngc. ago, says the press 26 Easter and the
Studies ¡s offering a corner this year.
Bush stands (or compiacnc.
Dukakis si*nds tor ihLngc tOUe called lnrerpecies 18 Thirtieth release, cujiiVefliefitIS Easer Parade on Filth
Bush stands for running in Connectton: Swirntnin anniversary of President forgetting about Jutid Avenue. l:orger Sr.
place. Dukakis wants to move vith che Dolphins; lisenhowers signing Nelson. Patrick s Day ihn is
torward. Bush will sccth for the
buxtze Dukakis wanta the gold Key Largo. Florida. Hawaiis statehood 25 The International the wildest parade of
ter Anterka; Bush is looking $675. lhrough three legislation. paving the Auto Show begins at the month. ir can get a
an mntenuonal walk.
separare 4S-nsinute way for (al the Aloha the Javits Center. little zany, cautioned a
DuaLis wasit a hoinc riiii.
swims with the State's future as a Terrific a gathering o spokesperson for the
Cktnb«r 6 (after chc &ncsen dolphins. participants Pacihc Elba for deposed King-Crusher-truck New York Convention
Q uayle debaict: ow the raie atid Visitors Bureau.
enter deeply lUto the Filipino despots arid buffs in a city where no
is a statssttcal dead hrar
dolphin-human (b) Don Ho mania one has a drivers Pcoplc put anything
Otobcr 7REPUBLI(:AN ConneCtiOn and learn sweeping che First license. and everything on tbe:r
ELECTORAl. LOCK Diere is first-hand what the 25 New York
h)r(y-eight. headc.
none The vocrs t.oncrnuc to
reject (ieorge Bush. MSD dolphins have to teach 25 A reconstruction of University s School of 28 Terrh anniversary of
(is) doing well in CA aboLit relationships to a Malagasy village is Continuing i:dLicatkn iS near meltdown at
self, to others and o part ofthe 1adagascar: offering a one-sesSioli ihrte lile Island. b
OEtober I 4 (after Dukakis lost
thc hnal dcbtc). c lion Last
the planct. An
night atcoding w a US/I ToIs alternative for those
(:al,knia poll. . The polls
. .

remaining here: stand

that show a Bush win fail to
the obvious - BucF kl next to some iced
going into the debate. and mahirnahi at (irarcllas
omrnittcd Bush voters arc WAgIJARLES c.AN'T A NAME?
and t 'intent raie. AFFORD 77i147 RiZP.
skesing the score Wc
begm th hnal three 4iid a hail i i Five-Kilometer .- ¿4 ¿1onth/)

weeks with a dvtutni that 1-loroscope Run; Anagram Ana/isis

started to turn last night to our (:eirrai Park. Awards
gtuuiid - a iOSiCIsC. future-
for top finishers under IDES OF MARCH
oricnicd debate about the real
Isaucs that affect peoples lives. catit zodiac sign. MODISH FARCE

Almost (00 repellent k)r

O(tober I7 Thr eleie,00 is JOHN HENRY SUNUNU
still up (or grabs. . There arc words: thousands of
a number ol ekition stenalios joggers talking about ENJOY RUN. SHUN HUN
which lead to an MSD vturv. their signs.
MSDs ek«oral hase. plus
states on both toasts. plus stich 13 Neil Sedaka turns
key battle ground states s.s TX 50. Oubreak of office QUAYU
and ¡L give a malOElty violence among co- EVIDENTLY QUASI-CREEP

workers traccd to EVIDENTLY EPIC SQUARE

Octobct 18. Mike Dukakis
wants to bring prosperity hume individuals humming
tus many Americans. George
snatches of Laughter in tlEn GENT QUflUAVE PRESIDENCY
Musli wants io bring prospetity
to Americans with -nanv the Rait ali morning. NICE DEPRAVITY SEQUEL

homcs. 15 Ides. GOES NEGATIVE

\,_ o
.J__ ,,AI.. /.


Spy 's Exclusive Monthly Behind-the-Scenes Celebrity Vignette


October 19: Dukakis is out on

the stump with a 'ñghting
speh. . . . The response has
bccn ekttnc.

October 20: An invigacd

MSD conunuts to tear up the
campaign trail wich a powerful
message that is catching ñre.

October 27: Only 8 pcints

between MSD and Bush.

November 4: ThE SURGE:

l(RC poll this morning shows
MSI) pulling within 6
points. If Reggie Jackson is
Mr. Ouober. Mike Dukakis
will be Mr Novembre

&Is(t? il or noi', gi:'írzg large
amowrli oflJ7Ofle) to complete
tiraogeri in exchange for the
ngbti to all the gold ¡bat can
ex:rac:edfrom big piles o/din
that the buyer 1at ocien icen z,
00:4' zonjiderrd an im/»iident

iniyjtmc,,t. According io the

North American S«anztáei
Administrators Ai,oziation. tens Jk)STPARTY ANIMALs: lis 6:00 a.rn. in Beverly Hi/lido you know where Chuck Norrij is? Why, hes sii/I al
ofthoiiandi ofAmenicani haze Warren Beatty 's supergiamoroiss, ultrajiash all-night blowota bachelor bash (lo benejit Cerebral Palsy), getting
lost an estimated $250 ms/lion
in dirt pile wind/ei. N/tSAA
by with a little help frotta Lawrence Taylor and an unidetitijied Etiropean while he feels a little iffy flexing his
wants that inch scams are abdominal tituscies at poolside. Meanwhile, Eddie ¿Mierphy (reprising his timeless Guniby bit) splashes arottnd
proliferating There are now 52 i?, the drink, soaking ¡'p the adulation he gets et'en frotti fellow superstars. And rounding 01st this hard-core
sod' szams under investzgalson:
in ¡lx spring of 1987 there urne
part; corps is none other than conch potato LeVar Kimta Kinte Bllrton, who spent most o/the evening ttying to
only 8. NASAA attribute, the hide from jot.rsting nut Val Kilnier. PHOTOGRAPFI 13V STEPHEN FRAILEY
ïncrease Io the dzc/ine of investor
confidence in the stability of the
jim-k market since she Oaoben
1987 crash. (Too risky! I told
my broker. 1m psating my money
into pocen(íally gold-bearing
dirt.) Capsule Movie Reviews by Eric KaplanTM,
I'typical dint-pile swindle the Movie Publwist's Friend
invol&fs a zallfnom a salesperson
sss:ng a WATS line to phone list,
ofpotennal sntystors. each of SKIN DEEP, starring John Ritter (20th Century Fax)
whom ti told thai for a paymezzi Eric Kaplan says. "Now it can be said: the silver screen is John Ritter
ofaroand $5.000. he orjhe will
obtain title to 100 tons of
unprocessed dirt - what the
CousiNs, starring Ted Danson, Isabella Rossellini (Pararnoun)
salesperson probably calls
aggregate Ort. The dint ii Eric Kaplan says, "With cousins like these, there's sure to be an Oscar in
gtearanò'eed to contain at least the family!"
20 owrnes ofgold. Thosççh
investors are told they will hazy A DRY WHITE SEASON, starring Donald Sutherland, Marion Brando (MGM/UA)
IO watt between one and three
Eric Kaplan says. "Brando and Sutherland'nuf said!"
years he/ore seeing a return. they
are hooked by ¡lx opportonity to LEVIATHAN, starring Peter Weller, Richard Crenna (MGM/UA)
buy gold/or $250 an onna ai a
time when st is selling/or Eric Kaplan says, "Weller and Crenna'nuf said!"
around $400 an onoce.
What s urong with ¡bi, deal? TRUE BELIEVER, starringJames Woods, Robert DowneyJr. (Columbia)
The gold dotjnt exist beysnd Eric Kaplan says. "Robert Downey Jr. made me a true believerhe's the
microJTopic, economically Tom Honks of the '90s!")

34 SPY MARCH 1989


- -------------------- -1
- 1-.800-999-7997 EXT. DSP1





I ONE AVERY Row. R0AN0KF. VA 24o12-8,28 I

L ----------------------

1- 1 ¡(J).,
0 I(lh(Y( ('


A Peek Inside the Hollywood Handg:n Fantasy

THI liNt PlINY COHYINUID 'i12 the hot Santa Ana winds blow in from BHGC attendants still snicker about the sartorial
the desert and the hairs on the nape oía man's neck faux pas of Romina Danielson, Peter Holm's goofy
ta,rvrovcrable level:, explaini stand on end, most anything can happen. In Ray-
James Meyer. a killjoy a:
girlfriend who swooned on the stand during the
NASAA. T/X mineprobably is mond Chandler's California, it is then that a scream HoimJoan Collins divorce trial. On the night she
nothing more than a godforsaken echoes up from the valley or over the canyon or visited the gun club she wore a skintight, see-
patch ofdeier: sru6land.
across the hills. In Charlie Sheen's California, it is through black girdle skirt, stiletto heels and, appar-
Permits haten : been acquired.
7eií resse/is hat keen cooked up. then that the young, idle and well-to-do Califor- ently, no underwear. She started grabbing my shirt
in shori. these dea/i are a rip-off nianthe one who feels an obligation to at least and coming on like a real vixcn, recalls discreet club
from the word so. playact the state's long-standing reputation for sor- employee Chris Wise, and when that didn't work,
i: migb seem thai ¡ho iic:imi
of:/sese scams unu/df: a type
ç(w did, random violencesteps into the she made like she was going to tear
greedy. credulous. ¡enwsrIdI.
Beverly Hills Gun Club and spends ;-__ her own shirt off. Wise, ofcourse, is
Bu: no: some of them are greedy
hours firing holes in menacing-look- not made of stone; he admits ro be-
and credulous bu: qso:e
experienced in jome of the ways ing paper targets. Charlie Sheen, ing impressed with the way Daniel-
oftix um-Id. Me/t'in Bell:. one of confides his publicist, eager for his l& 50fl handled the .38 Smith & Wes-
America j premier ambulance
chasers and the ho of Bhopal.
now-sober client to seem alluringly son Special her three Eurogent
loi: $300.000 in a dirt-pile on-the-edge, practically has an arse- companions had rented,
sr/seme masterminded by a nal. That Sheen is not the only celebrityfaux gun- The range officers - the collection of retired cops,
f urniture salesman in slinger is unsettling. Sylvester Stallone, Billy Crystal,
California. in faa, the salesman
exmilirary police, and completely sane and stable
used a personal leuerfrom Belli Arnold Schwarzenegger, Raider running back Mar- vets who run the placehave a favorite celebrity
to promote the scam, u.'bich. all cus Allen. Sean Penn. Jamie Lee Curtis, Sheen's big customer: Bill Paxton, star of Weird Science and Pass
sold, cois :ni'estors more than
$20 million.
brother Emilio Estevez andhey, this really is the Ammo. This proves that while the range officers

Hollywood - Madonna's agent's brother have gone may be able to make split-second distinctions be-
JUDGE WAPNR1 DECISION. there to learn to aim and fire powerful handguns at tween friend and foe, they don't seem to have a
targets. working definition of celeMty. (Their least favorite
REWIHOLD CONCURRING ... The Beverly Hills Gun Club is customers are Japanese nobodies. They love to
A rath« ordinary case involving not in Beverly Hills at all, but in point a loaded gun in your face, says Wise. Then
last year's (avocice non-gold-in-
dirt-pile scam, the Airplane
the wasteland between Century City they laugh like crazy.) -
Deborah Michel
Game, managed to create some and the airport, in a flyspecked
curious legai histoy. In New ' warehouselike building near several
York. four plaintiff Kafen '
Duncan, Victoria Meakin,
movie studios and talent agencies.
Maureen Schmalzbauer and Readers who have not managed to blot out all OGRO[LINC IN OUR TIME
Elizabeth Brown were memory of &verly Hills Cop II will recall the scene in
latcomers co the game, which
is a variation on the old
a shooting range that appeared to be in the high- "Every life is a series of small miraclesif only we
pyramid scheme generic. When tech basement of a White's-like oak-paneled men's can see them. Dan Wakefield's book helped me
it collapsed, they sued Laura club. In fact, the BHGC has about all the charm of see mine." James Carroll on Dan Wakefield's
Norman and Haza Taicher the
two people who had brought
a bowling alley on league nightan imposingly Returning: A Spiritual Journey
them into the racket. As part secure bowling alley, to be surewhere decorations
"A beautifully told, passionate story,"
of her defense, Norman on the painted-plywood walls consist of a target
introduced a number of Wakefield on Carroll's Supply of Heroes
decisions citing the doctrine of
personally bullet-ridden by political
unclean hands' - a doctrine criminal - Super Password contestant "By a good distance her strongest novel,"
that holds that a defendant is : G. Gordon Liddy, and a pinup of a Reynolds Price on Anne Tyler's
not responsible when the
plaintiff is equally guilty
bosomy, gun-toting model with the A Slipping-Down Life
including a decision issued by \ slogan You can't rape a
"It's not just the tone that's right; it's the startling,
Judgejoseph Wapncr of The The decor, which contributes so
People's Cour: broadcw on . . almost incongruous eloquence,"
September 16, 1988.
much to the gritty, seen-it-all-before
Tyler on Price's Kate Voiden
Asjudge Wapncr learnedly atmosphere that so appeals to pretend G-men, car-
put it, ThiS whole thing, this ries through to the fashion code. Regulars know to "Both breathtaking and heartbreaking,"
whole operation, is an illegal
operation. lt's all gamblingI
dress down. The only people who wear suits are Carolyn See on Josephine Humphreys's
don't care whether you caH it agentstalent and FBI. In the afternoon, writers Rich ¡n Love
Pyramid or you call it Pilot or show up in Banana Republic khakis, actors in
you call it Crash Plane or what "lt took my breath away."
you call it, it's illegal wait,
ripped jeans and cowboy boots. All of them put on
Humphreys on See's Golden Days
wait, wait, wait! Young lady. let the regulation fashion equalizersprotective ear
me finish. When it's illegal, coverings and shatterproof plastic eyeglasses. - Howard Kaplan

36 SPY MARcH 1989

1* i ''r, j Lt

Ii wr1 '?IHI






I naio b Ritlur.ô C 'ß8 mporti . :r tço- L Søre (; Ne i. V

Hit- i

- 14

YUKJO KOBAYASHI PhotogrQphe: Juergen Teller

854 MADISON. AT 10TH. N Y. NY. (2I2988 9514

IU 461 PARK AVE AT 57fll. N.Y..N.Y. (212)9356%9

Design by Yukio Kobayashi. Photograpi by Juergon Telle-. Photograc Asystance by Stephane Grundi. Ha r and Make up by David Grainger. Copyright C 988 Ncole Co Ltd

: . .,
- .i.4:.:lP*::-_ ___ . g
p I(#Tae( (f /1

TNt PINI PuNT CONTINUED very year, the Zaga: Neu' York City Restauran
Survey rates more than 700 dining establishments in
its gambling. and even ¡1 uts a Manhattan, based no on the wisdom of professional
conttact, it's an illegal contract,
and you cannot collect on an
reviewers but rather on responses culled from several
illegal contract. That's the long thousand regular restaurant-goers . A quesrionnairc
and short of it. I don't care if asks diners to record the cost of their meal (includ1
she cheated you out of the
money if it was gambling. . ..
ing one drink and tip) and then rate, on a scale of
You can't collect from her Donald Trump ... and the police sketch to 30, food, decor and service. In addiion to
because the contract's illegal. critique of each restaurant, Zagal publishes variou
of Son of Sam?
The whole basis for it's illegal. I
don't think you even doubt me
lists of recommendations: Top Steakhouses, Tojl
that it's illegal. . . . Well. now Views and Super Buys. to name a few that
you know. . . . No more continually consult.
airplanes and no more
passengers and no more crashes.
I'm judging for the defendanc.
But unfo«unately (or the
two defendants here, New York
1 Zagat also compiles lists that, for some reason. ii
has kept secretincluding the worst values in Ne
York City dining, as ranked by an utterly mathe'
law was interpreted differently matical formula that divides the level of customei
from Califomia Televisionland satisfaction by the average cost of a meal. Published
law, and Judge Carol Äther George Bush ... and socialite
here for the first time anywhere are last year's eleves
rejected the Wapner precedent. Betsey Whitney?
The defendants' claim that they poorest culinary buys according to Zagal.
were as victimized as che
plaintiffs was rejeaed by Judge I. Elaine's 7. Sardi's
Äther. who observed that 2. Regi ne's 8. The '2!' Club
Norman made more than
$10.000 and Taicher more than 3. Bel/ini by Cipriani 9. The Quilted Giraffe
$20,000, while the plaintiffs 4. Maxim's Io. Panoli Romapzissimo
lost between $750 and $1,500 5. Mortimer's i I . Sammy 'i Rumanian
apiece. She ordered the
defendants to reimburse the 6. Gloucester House Steakhouse
plaintiffs.) Khste Alley . . . and Meg Foster? - Harriet BarovicA

-I-i Lkople Magazine's Guidelinesfor Gossip-Collecting

eople magazine's list of contributor guidelines (circulated ofli- wa But it does make you feel like a real gossip hound and thai
cially ro freelance writers and unofficially to Rupert Pupkin- gets you in the right mood.'
esque celebrity hounds, friends of friends and other eavesdrop-
3. 'Any funny stories about the guest of honor? . . . II you fail witF
ping hangers-on) claims that covering an event for Chatter or
this line ofquestioning, don't despair. Most celebs have nothing tc
Take One [People's short-gossip-item sections) can be fun and easy
say about a guest of honor.'
too!!!!Sound fun Easy? Are you willing to refer to well-known
people as celebs'? Then you just may have what it takes to dredge 4. Every celeb including the oft-encountered cement-brained
celebrity small talk for People. And remember (as the guidelines ones - can answer these questions: . . . What has the celeb bees
say), lf you aren't sure who is who, don't hesitate to strike up a working on? . . . What does the celeb have planned for the fu'
conversation with some of the nerds hanging out next to the bar. turc? . . . When all else fails, sometimes it pays to ask a celeb whai
They often recognize the celebs because they always come to he or she did that day. Short-term memory always proves the mosi
parties or because they're related to someone's cOusin.' Or be- fruitful.
cause, like you, they're covering the event for People.
5. 1f you can, try to find out if your celeb ever told your funny
Other casually horrifying instructions from the People tip sheet:
story to another reporterand try to convince the celeb not to
L Always try to find the appropriate publicist when you enter the repeat the story to others till you print i
party. He or she will probably agree to throw you up against
6. The bribe method: Basically, you can only publicize the celeb'i
celebs and force them to talk with you.
current project if you have an exclusive tidbit or a zippy story to
2. Always try to eavesdrop a bit before you descend on a celeb. go with it. Remind the celebs about that and they may suddenly
Unless you have really great hearing you rarely get anything this remember something to tell you.' D

40 SPY MARCH 1989

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ultimately glamorous.
Poudre Majg Loose Powder: Thanks to
the ¡nnovathie micro-bubbles, there's no talc
. . never a "powdered look' So sheer it can
be worn alone, over Teint Majeur, or
any Lancôme foundation.
Teint Majeur and Poudre Majeur...
You'll wonder how
you ever went out without them.

LA cO E CCosnij r

PARIS Btotise C
E&,,r,s T,
-r «

I J ¡(c).j

Time/y Advice Jrom the SPY Psychiatrist

Dear Dr. Nick, Dr. Nick replies: Furihertiiore, his reaction to his promotion
I am worried about a friend. He has a lot Rather than answer yes or no, let me pose a might bespeak an adjustment disorder,
going for himh&s rich, handsome, feu' questions of own. Does your friend which is a molodaptive reaction to an iden-
friendly and shoots a mean game of golf. really believe hes the equal o/John F Ken- tifiable psychosocial stressor occurring
Unfortunately, hes a trifle lazy, and he has nedj. or is itjiist sorne sort ofcareerploy? If within three months of the onset of the
had to rely on family connections to get he sincerely belier'es that, we may be dealing stressor. The .ítresior ¿n thu ase u the big
him into schoolswhere he didnt even do uith pathological grandiosity - a worrisome promotion. So I would ask, in determining
welland out of jams. They've also trait :fyourfriend ¡s, saj. a public serzant. whether 1/Jere is an)' adjustment disorder,
helped him get work. For 12 years he has I uould ask u;hat it is about bis personal- did the reaction occur within three months of
had a good job in Washington. Recently he ity that allia)! allows him to be manipu- the promotion?
got a big promotion. The trouble is, hes lated by others. It could be dependent per- Finally. you say he knows he is not quali-
not qualified for the new positionand ht sonality disorder uhereby someone allows fled for his new post. This suggests he has
knows it. The change in his personality has others to assume responsibility for major some insight, which could mean a hopeful
been startling. He used to be enthusiastic areas ofhis own life because ofan inability prognosis. On the other hand, does he regu-
and gung ho. Now hes nervous and un- to ftinaion independently. larly accept positions for which he feels un-
easy. He says things like There is nothing Regarding yoitr assertion that he s a lit- qualified? This suggests a reckless, impul-
that a good offense cannot beat a better tIe dumb, I would ask how old your friend sitie nature and a questionable moral fiber
defense. Everything else he says sounds is. If he un t that old, then certainly there ¡he .utuffofwhich a sociopath is made.
like its been programmed or something, are signs o/ what we professionals call low- (Dr. Nick, the nom de plume of an
and he seems overdependent on his new normal intelligence or borderline intellec- actual psychiatrist, points out that he has
associates. Most disturbing of all, hes tuoi functioning. Psychological testing never seen or spoken to the subject, and
taken to comparing himself to John F. would be able ¡o et'aluate his intellectual says that its highly irresponsible of him to
Kennedy What do you thinkdoes he capaci!) and deter,'nine hou' iìiuch it impairs offer a diagnosis in a magazine. The sub-
need to seek professional help? him. ject. Dr. Nick notes. might he just fine.)

co-1O FOL! TAÑS SATHT's Goo Uusîiow

A Regular SPY Service Feotur.
This Monihs Topic: Wine

Sco e following classified ad appeared in a the nine. Could I taste the wi ne first?
Sunday Neu York Times:
No way.

Why not?
¡,1 k&wx-. .
LIQUtOATION Because there's only one bottle.
Will trade $250,000 bottle of wine
worth $350,000 for oportment, airplane So it s a reahy small bottle?
or boat. Must hquidate. 2'
Bfore Af&r: No, it's a regular-size bottle, You're saying
you want to open it and taste it and then
rescal ir?
Wc here at (212) 925-5509 dialed the
number in the ad and had the following Yes.
No wa
What kind ofwine is this?
Then hou' do I know the wine is good?
lt's a Thomas Jefferson 1787 Lafitte. No,
How do I know the Cessna is good? How do
excuse mc a Chateau Margaux.
you know a piece of art is good? They sell
And why is it worth $350,000? Picassos these days for $60 million. How do
you know any piece of art is good?
lt's a ThomasJeffcrson bottle. Its part of his
company. lts a piece of histoty Um . . , trust?
,K'/í4ftcr Say I had a Cessna I was willing to trade for That's right. Trust. - Paul Simmu


Tip O'Neill. Cardmember since 1973.

has its prlvi1eges

_J . ' iid

1!I2 SQDbj

1)nì't icave home without it

Call 1-8(I)-luE CARI) to appi):
. áfl/a1'(f ('i/i,


1, i \ ¡h .l'u.'ii'

A few hundred feet ments and pictures that in, but in the movie). turc from Lee Harvey's ping posts and old gasa.
from the Fountain of will "[put] you in the Step up on the porch Dallas apartmentbed, line engines, as well as o
Youth (sought by Span- mood" to "completely and ring the doorbell, bureau, his actual wagon, supposedly of
ish explorer Ponce de understand the assassi- Fuller brush man-style. pocket comb. Concern- Civil War vintage, pulled
Leon in 1513) stands the nation of the Presi- As you wait for an an- ing this display is o let- by a life-size plaster
Tragedy in U.S. History dent." In all, they prom- swer there's plenty of ter from Oswald's sore- horse.
Museum (founded by ise, a visit will be "enjoy- time to scrutinize the head widow saying she Over by the bushes
former gas and oil dis- able and educational." front window displaya wants no part of Buddy ame the Jayne Mansfield
tributor L. H. 'Buddy" In fact, a visit to the toupee-wearing, rifle- Hough or his collection. vehicle, with sheared-off
F-tough in 1964), a public smallish wood-frame toting wax figure of Lee The museum acquired roof, in which the starlet
attraction that is, like house is like being a Harvey Oswald peering the assassin's furnish- died, and the bullet-rid-
the Frick, established in trick-or-treater at a through the glass, Texas ungs directly from Os- dIed Bonnie-and-Clyde
a private home but, un- home where the owners School Book Deposi- wald's landlady, Mary mobile in which actors
like the Frick, jam- have gone all out for tory-style. He looks like Bledsoe, who vouches pretended to die.
packed with artifacts Halloween. After pull- William Shallert, Patty for their authenticity in The museum had
from automobile and in9 your car into the Duke's TV father. another letter hung trouble for many years
train accidents, mcm- graveled-over part of Once admitted, you nearby. The letter gaining membership in
orabilia of the John F. the front yard, scan the are left pretty much on doesn't mention that the St. Augustine cham-
Kennedy assassination crudely illustrated signs, your own to stroll part of the deal for the bem of commerce. Ac-
and a wide variety of an- even more primitive through four crowded furniture was that cording to that body's
tique torture devices. cousins to the primitive rooms and an open area Hough repair the roof executive vice presi-
And while the Fricks canvas banners adver- out back. lt's quiet on hem rooming house dent, Coralee Pomar,
moved out of their Fifth tising sideshow freaks; enough to hear through porch. this was primarily be-
Avenue home a long they proclaim the pres- the walls that the mu- The museum curators cause "no one could
time ago, the Houghs ence within of Famous scum curators are nowhere define what vouch for their hours of
still live in their St. Movie Star Joyne Mans- watching TV game exactly they mean by operation" and bccaus
Augustine, Florida, field's car (the one she shows. The indoor col- tragedy, or for that mat- Mr. Hough would "take
museum. was killed in), President lection is dominated by ter American history. It parts of the museum up
The tourist guide to Kennedy's car (not the JFK murderabiliawith might otherwise make to Gatlinburg at
. . .

St. Augustine includes a one he was killed in) and a few old-fashioned problematic the indu- will." In 1987 the mu-

listing for the institution Bonnie and Clyde's car shackles and bear traps sion of old blacksmith scum was finally
that promises docu- (the one they were killed tossed in near the exit. tools and a genuine accepted.
The promised assassi- whiskey still. Theme's no The curiously punc
nation-related automo- question about the tuatcd flier for this tour-
biles serve as the undis- video game in the last ist spot may explain
putcd centerpieces, room, though. It's just some of the underat-
NTIF BAtLET IJANCERS VIERE though they are weirdly for fun. tendance: DON'T DARE,
SUBJECT TO LEASH LAWs? tangential to the event: An apparently mum- MISS SEEING THIS MUSEUM.
the car Oswald was mified corpse, whose - Steve O'Donnell
: 1.3 a_m. lni n t r. 'in ltn cr'. 'l!.Lr .t:. given o litt in on the tragic place in Amen-
tlII'.,1.l,,', I )tnLtri i. r li itnul morning of November can history is also unex- The Museum of Tra gcd
22 in Dallas, a limo Ken- plained, resides in a in U.S. History, 7 Wi!-
2i a. _ I ).tr i tr i in, 'i .tri h thvx nedy rode in but not in glass case by the back hams Street. Take Inter
rIu ' t lr' 'U(Ct1,
Dallas, and the ambu- door. lt holds a hand- state 95 fo State Rood
1220 p.i. L)tiì tr i itd t( .t I rue ( 'Lt idt .t rest1tur.tnt lance that carried Os- lettered sign asking 16 exit. Go cost scvn
itil's t li.ttd k. ,I11'h(s lI)tI()fl wald to the hospital of- LONESOME TAKE ME HOME miles. Turn right (south
ter he was shot On the WITH YOU FOR $3000 a on San Marco Avenuc
2.» p.s. Rirter h rr .r.tlar IllL1rr.ttu L'
wall near the latter is a seamless intersection of (one block east of U.S.
. I kil' h '' t in tr l.tri r .tuL lus ir h hu.t
signed 8 X1O glossy of exhibition space and 1), then left on Williams
Red YagerRed Yager, gift shop. Street. Admission is
3:30 p.... Einhrr.tud h.1llrii.1 .tnd Peter tariiìs the fateful driver of the In the fenced-in back- $3.50; the museum is
,'- . :. et,tlIv lc,tlìu knt ted i )gether; must ast. Oswald ambulance. yard is a weathered or- open every day from
.JLw tu U!1Lt11Ie Henry A/for; Here too is the fumi- ray of headstocks, whip- 9:00 am. until dark.

44 $pY MARCH 1989

Jessica Tandy and Hurnc ( r iiviì . ( ardtìicmhcrs sincc 1978.

Has Its Privlleges

I)unt tcac hOfllCWiitllOtIt il

( all l-8O- l'li!: (1R/) 1 (1/)/)/
I'74)(f (W.,
..' ¡1(flt)I) 'LI/I) I :'i ['aui: ïhe Koch W'iirkoii4

Barbaro Walters . 7 t 6:15 a.m. three to five days a week, a tall which is cheating. II I walk our, he may shut off the
Elizabeth Taylor .......... 4 bald stroke victim with a pear-shaped body stops ¡n treadmill. I have to check the mileage meter.
Dan Aykroyd ............... 3 at the pricey Executive Fitness Center. There, on the Mayoral hand kisses are unseemly enough, but
Bill Blass ...................... 3 22nd floor of the Vista International Hotel, he is Maria must endure even worse: While he's work-
The Carlyle ................. 3 put through a 45-minute workout of less than ing out he'll listen to Barbra Streisand on a headset
Robert De Niro ............ 3 Olympian rigor. and sing along. His singing is really deadly to listen
icone Kirkpatrick ........ 3 1ts more like baby-sitting than fitness rraining, to in the morning, especially when he does 'The
Henry Kissinger ........... 3 explains Maria Versella, the 25-year-old fitness Way We Were.'
Henry Krovis ............... 3 ounselor whose job it is to train the mayor of New Neither a Republican nor a Democrat, Maria has
Mike Nichols .............. 3 York City. He once said to me, i'm just like a little a policy of neverevertaking any gulf from the
Mike Oviti .................. 3 child, arent I? And I said, 'Yes, and that's exactly mayor. Instead, when he talks fresh to her, she talks
Sean Penn ................... 3 how I'm going to treat you.' fresh back. The other day he came in and said,
Robin Williams ............ 3 He just about sleeps through his routines, con- 'Good morning, little girl. And I said, 'Good
Tom Wolfe .................. 3 tinues Maria, a graduate student of exercise physiol- morning, old man. i treat him as I would anyone
Mery Adelson ............. 2 ogy. He'll ride on an exercise bicycle with his eyes else. I dont call him Mayor, eithereven though
Brooke Astor ............... 2 dosed the whole time. More typically, the grunting, everyone else does. I call him Darling.
Arlene Francis ............. 2 moaning mayor will trudge in place on a treadmill The mayor, a member of the fitness center's Gold
Mary Martin ............... 2 for 30 minutes. With a fan cooling his substantial Club ($350 initiation fee, $1,500 annual dues),
The Liz Smith brow, he will trot against a 5.5 percent tilted grade outfits himself in a club-supplied uniform of blue
Tote Board ............... i at 4.2 miles per hour (meaning the mayor jogs a shorts, snug white T-shirt, white athletic socks, and
slightly-better-than- 1 5-minute mile). Although the sneakers. Usually happy to wear silly costumes and
aging politician frequently loses his balance, even at pose for photographers, he prudently forbids the
this faintly brisk pace, Maria gives little quarter. He taking of any pictures during his workouts. For
I ' I
kisses my hand in the hope that I'll slow down the once, Maria equivocates: He looks interesting. Just
I I I treadmill, she says. Then he holds on to the rails, say he looks interesting. - Robert Bred;'

V ?

My pal Donald Trump 1

. .. said that spi masa-

zine is in trouble finan-

cially and will not be
around much longer. I
chided the handsome
mogul, of whom I am
very fond
should not indulge in
wishful thinking. He
. . . that he n f:A]
said, No, youil find
this is true if you 'ust
they won't even be
I predict

around ¡n a year.'"
Liz Smith in the
Daily News.
September 29, ¡988


"I%Ip Spielberg uil/I see YOU new!"

JLICS Clavell. (:ar(Imc'1I)ersincc 1967

Has Its P,ii 'ikgesM


1)nt 1uLC1)IflCVVitl)OUt iL
( i!f I '«Y).77IIfCARI)toa/)/)IE
q! (( 'f«)( ((/J
Today New York Tomorrow Nice, The Hague, Riyadh and Tel Aviv

n a very sincere plea for global peace, we at py believe that gssneddossr Doqjld irxw4p de Vilgaire sei de k.,r: t tigiri ri h: citv-ifeeelgrwd. Syliviter de Slqqv

world unity can be achieved by talking with one another in the fj//qq îvipsvrd io: 4rt eee((rdrdaglql( reel gv::bi ,i cpetl-Dnh' a de b:iriesiltji, aiw
s 5I'iiiii the Cvsiiøi SiaIIon.
only language we all have in commonthe international language,n.ce Tush. de durrg rai de ¡asir,', "ici hoi euelseq" o) zn,r:, .sl, *.snolrt Odi,
Lsqasiwc. Tê.ch. ib. d.si4 hiwi Pli. s,d.n ih hs,ls .e
of laughter. So we crafted a manifesto, painting our prose with ilergeTe /ngrn d.' bswd.rKhap

broad, flag-size strokes rather than the chiaroscuro and gossamer Verte/ges,:. blij/ bi/ hei xi prv«rasnraJ: ks'dbbel 5)1 SP1O i/s Mli kirie l::t s .i he6i.eq roer dv

scumbling ofdelicate idiom that mark our usual manner. Subtlety /J,vq 9() Di: i. lMt qq, orn op de :/o'vi n'o,lrs" te kloppv. de oMde i .,thept,hkfd t, devi, barsten eq iv

fell victim to our revolutionary zeal. We contacted some of New a's te ii:qqvq to:f de Gtppvr' -/,giearlik gesprsskes, sric 6vzs: ,re, oh he hi re si-:,r dan vos to

York's best foreign-language translators and asked them to join us t'ei .vprsv met ip::ihoedess en slobkoq:cs. Elke Ns:ag si ven iuMs isvr,ê :.,i ¿iv! gitffe,Ñiisvai " Hei
in our impassioned pursuit of this pan-Utopian goal. One diligent kirn sii seu.sidrn.krake,i" mr: cvi flue::uzdr 6'rm' ¿'rire dc ¡p::i. ei fiak-ipls:us-: v'i aide's
i, b.w.l.c,iwk.,s
' u4istliø, b.n
expert very carefully and very literally translated the text below hiur-kletite, :osRskld:g gvmaak: uit Iii1 elkaar pssisevsde s':erkaisqvs

into French. Then the French version was translated by another lVvrs Jajrvm eve irsdel." AÑqi,eer i
bi o .5 Th.,.f.i. . q.s
skilled professional into Dutch, the Dutch into Arabic, the Arabic
into Hebrew and the Hebrew back into Englishuntil the quin- ARAIK: ._- a . _ 't- _ : "--- - bi )....-.

. . . A..w i,wsUw. lis i wyf.k 5w. I«ss - hi wyk. bolfi

tuply translated py manifesto of peace lit up the globe like an i Siww« Hiwi: b4*4OOfl C. :- . - . -s---
- /.- . . -

aurora borealis of mirth and good cheer. In retrospect, maybe this V.,.. If vid. e aies. end i,. ke.e. sed ,see i. Sumes ¡uSuel. siw.iw.ft We bsn.yrcssiMi. w' ceich hi.
-wekj,rn.- :
wasnt such a great idea.

ENGLISH: spy magazine: Smart. Fun. Funny. Fearless. And, we . __,p, _, - . ,k__ . . ,.,. . . s.
_ _- - . :-

don't mind adding, the only antidote to the nutty, head-spinning J___ .-'-

whirligig ofdaily life in this or any international megalopolis, each .--- :.ii: .-_- .. . A?..

issue a virtual Swiss Army knife of postmod journalism. Fed up e

-? ( .
.ss-1,- C'-- ::
b. . s usss.wnI 4 _, fii*e.s fIIIboS,USIIN.
with short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump and unbearable
Play-Dohfaced homunculusaction toy Sylvester Sly Stallone?
Want the inside line on high-domed garden gnome Laurence HUUW: ...srv ni-r .'»s' gy, r's' ,i,si w

Tisch or marionettish former frat-boy Dan Quayle 1'!.,l-1, ?i3 'wy, 113
-si'st: rir 'y'syr x' ':'

Then get with the program now: pencil in SPY on your shortlist ::,q r"t"' »' ' n11, l-I' y roi
ofmust-haves for the nineties. lts time to hit the gridiron, toss the .r-,r,pi -s'y i

old pigskin around and win one for the Gipperfiguratively

speaking. spy's got more pizzazz and panache than a barrelful of ;'sivy 'y' fl?' fl'IvP rl,;'''-s ''yl, nvtv, i'o

monkeys in top hats and spats. Every issue is a brand-new VV '',1,'?); o',FSK 'W O' 5UD (,i-v 'n v"',)

chucklefestchock-full of over-the-top, whiz-bang gut-busters, _,,, r,.,n,3

sidesplitters and other assorted scrupulously fact-checked knee- .flq;, -'n'y n pin-i n ..q 'o'' ii', i',r 'K
slappers. So don't be a dork. Subscribe now.
ENGLISH AGAIN: spy's magazine: closet, bad joke and anecdote.
,D4c* ag.t Pfos E1r,,: Arkum,',: iw;aN. ftdoiiii purr' E: o, , fauowi pi Lcss comuwre. Was not a mirage donc in addition flew against
II.n$. Au, .IIHISIMIfW. AmwsM,. L...
I (IprIl ,, dJIt,OP?JRt .,,usd.0 a tóunuqwr: .s hi irotx r ¡eu' de qiveiiztIIv de la sir and on the single metropolis, spinning on its axis shaped like the
6kr55J1ilY dr ,u, ii toNte diet', meaI'poI:i ,ivterwatviivaír C.h.sqMe tort:, is,, oMisas, r triad de head of a stick to the song of love for everyday life to this or any
th. only .s,ftd.ts t. 5h. u,s.4ss.d.d ,ø.olviis, 4... .f di.5.ø .f d.iy 1sf q
Ia'wqet q,iiv Jq joir,isI:i,ie dv wods pouvrleisrr Noirrs ris h.iut D.sId Trw'sp Ir Vulgaire .mx other big city. Any exit to drowning a real Swiss army to methods
eekrt £SOS1J C, pr Is !'' .1 . ::on. y/sstrr .f, StiIloqe.'
isssiilis, . 1tsr;zepportbI, s tssge dr of the popular press. A restaurant above Donald will welcome
5t, -Wily- SIsUIsI
Jokv-Ddh I'.'i loisir: ¡a /iglu I intasear, ¡se, Lakreike Tuch. ¡e gsrssv dc jard:is,', q the vulgar with short fingers and game of labor. Sylvester
nIq, w,t( R,tr7Qqett, oasi Qse.iylv. gar'o sursessr Jr ¡a Fra:rns,te>is Cheater Stallone as a muscle to an unreasonable point in a form
b.y of 1h. k.*.sIs..d
E'v,h,k, J)rZ .sse le /'rvgYJJ'SA$ v.,:sstriJi (rdoKsxfZ t ESPION mr Iotrr ceirt, (life dis obisgét of a mixed game: if you want an internal line to Laurence Tisch
d.s,'cur poe' Is's 90. C.,: ll.r de .ogv' iùr la grill, dc Jet. de fain'r la stalle pea. Je csrhosr like the embarrassed bride Dan Quayle son of the seventh brother.
(t deq ig'srr NW ps,q, le Gsppe' -figrsetIs'emtIst prlasvt. tss'it» a plie: d oli l. l e: le pah Following this leave the nations plans: mix the spy on your
qkkns £imqsse ple:t de ,sise, vis shssprsex de sommet it g'trrJ. Chasis iritis r,! NRC sTolssvlle short height to rich people's world, forever to the nineties. This
usarqNe ¿e fei::s4 dv g/oNiuiasesu; Cale ple:ssr de s 4iie-oy.i1X dii 64J7 JIffiJIt5 /'J Icisii le will be the hour to hit on an iron tool, to blast the old pigskin and
s wh4i5liusg
de /cstdeiri dv ;ieJ .. ¿trvs laqq,wrs de gessois' faits u rpklrasieiseist JrviJh .iiiOrttj
.1 you will have one to the man. The spy to him is more La-Ri-Ra
o sqhft..s .1 th .dei sed oth., bon,. .1 kiwi
Alcr is soyez pa soir uit/Ir ' Soktirzle: isasntrqaist and methods from a barrel high above the others. Any exit place
r d.øl b. .
will be a new sign for a festival of laughter. A waiter signaled with
DUTCI+ spt(n. isagassse Eleait imkir"seirt Ami.sss: M,ssder srsk F* isv snakri ;frook interest to bombs at strict accuracy with empty hands on a narrow
i And w. más sso bwii
do." bet ,n:e :eges,gsfbij te toegen a.i.v be: drze&k rite: 'site's sa dr ,vrw i.e's ui ip:ivi:s.kkop s.s.s ne: position and slaps knees of others manufactured with concern.
d.sgvlstk. ¡rien sun dv:, veigv aulne :irer,,dt,os,a/c esrt.ilop.lvs. Therefore don't be drafted. Take for granted the nation's
File s:g «n eh: mii ,an ha Zu:ticrse ¡sgr sais sidsioqrssali,:sk je hirns., &syq.aan cooperation. Paul Sirnrns

48 SPY MARCH 1989

For a taste of DeWilder life, try the new
Wild Fling: 1½ oz. WilclerBerry,' 4 oz.
pineapple juice and a splash of cranberry
juice over ice. Like anything that gets
mixed-up with DeKuypei; it's DeFinitely
out of DeOrdinary

DeLiciously DeKuyper
Mq?Ç.n1ias.mc1 L*ywur. 5fl.aI TO thd hJbn D.«uvperai,d Sai. E3mnd PIao.OH
III Thwwi ajfl ot I)oXuvpr nui M42.$ÀI,L 1E n,, I $&NBE.THRE(w,i.1 where prohnhiled by law)
No flip out.

It's the world's first Print Video lhke it out. Give it a flip.
Or if this one is gone, get. yours wherever DeKuyper is sold.
i ?If/
j),,.,, e,., I?cì,, ; (J'i. (./'du?is. IflIt,,n. !c ; 'e! .St' :..,; :

Basketball Playeri and Practically Everyone Eise in These Precarious Times?

veryone knows who the Flying Wallendas arc. Or do they? We Ann-Morgret. it seems. used to be a Flying Wallenda, and was
conducted a random survey and found considerable disagree- able to draw upon that experience in playing the tragic belle
mentand learned, moreover, that while few are born, many are Blanche DuBois. Dealing with her torments, her repressed desires
called Flying WaHendas. and her dreams has been a little like being a Flying Wallenda, she
Edwin Diamond, New York's media critic, contends that News- said (The New York Times, August I 4, 1983).
week's former top editors were the Flying Wallendas: Osborn Some people won't say who the Flying Wallendas are, but they
Elliott, Kcrmit Lansner and Gordon Manning . . . along with their arc swift to find Flying Wallenda-ness in themselves and others.
senior editor colleagues, became known as the Flying Wallendas Movie Producer and Rocky costar Talio Shire claims she and her
«he Neu Rep#b/w, February 28, 1983). husband, Jack, are Flying Wallendas: We are the Flying Wal-
Scott Ostler of thc Los Angeles Ti,,ies disagrees. He says the lendas of movie financing' (UP!, April 3, 1986). Art spud Jamie
Jacional Basketball Association's Dallas Mavericks are the Flying Wyeth told The Christian Science Monitor that he and his folks
Wallendas: (Abdul-Jabbar's) shoukkrs have become a launching could also be Wallendas when their works arc exhibited together:
pad for fRoy) Tarpley and the Flying Wallenda Mavcricks (Los We . . . have always fought against having shows like this. . .
May 31, 1988).
4ngeIesTéiies. Its sort of like (being) the Walkndas of painting' (The Christian
Me! Gussow. Off-Broadway theater critic for The New Ywk Science Monitor, July 8. 1987). Reporter Jerry Knight thinks that
Tirns, has his own opinK)n. He argues that the little-known clown arbitrageurs. greenmailers and leveragcd-buyout specialists are
Jango Edwards is a singular Flying Wallenda: Srrapping wings to Flying Wallendas: Takeover strategists [are) the Flying Wal-
ius elbows, rippling his muscles so that they can be seen up in the lendas of high finance (The Washington Post, September 13.
balcony, he is a Flying Wallenda abotit to jump from the EifFel 1982). Finally, Bryan Miller, restaurant critic for The New York
Tower' (The New York fimes, October 1 3, 1 98 i). Times, insists, 'The estimabk Rostang clan from France [are) the
A fashion writer at the Los Angeles Times isnt sure but thinks Flying Wallendas of French cuisine (The New York Ti,ne.c, January
.Lc(ress Cloris Leachman might be a Flying Wallenda. Cloris 8, 1988).
Leachman . dashed clown the aisle so fast that she looked like a There is one man who knows who the Flying Wallendas avi't.
Flying Walknda. But a pretty one (L'is unge/es Times, June 10, Loyola Marymount basketball coach Paul Westhead, the former
1988). coach of the Los Angeles Lakers whose bring was engineered by
Roger Neal of Forbes is defensive when it comes co his opinion Magic Johnson, acknowledged after a game against the University
.ibout who belongs in the Flying Wallendas. Lee Ault IlI, be of North Carolina, We werent the Flying Wallendas today,'
writes, is as much a Flying Wallenda as a businessman (Forbes, leaving open the possibility that he thinks that on other days they
'ovcmber?l. 1983). may be (Los Angeles Times, March 20, 1988).
UPI wont say directly who the Flying Wallendas are but is Ironically. Karl Wallenda, the now deceased patriarch of the
tonfident that rheyre the sort of outfit one obscure midwestern Wallenda clan, disliked the name Flying Wallendas because it
stare4egislator would feel comfortable in. 1f the Flying 'X1a1- connoted trapeze work, which the Wallendas (lidnt do. He much
lendas need a new recruit, [Indiana] state senator Patricia L. preferred The Great Wallendas.
Miller has earned the job (UPI Recional News. March 9. 1988). Too late now. Eddie Steni

C'n tòke t'Jet

arid Lìai.
TEN YEARS AGo N SPY o-k C'tY'S fòO5 cb\S
b0t&°-' bus t0u.
"A reputation as a sexual adventurer has dogged Bush,
and the rumors are sure to gain momentum as the mod-
erate Bush prepares to run against a phalanx of right-
wingers (Connolly, Reagan, Congressman Phil Crane) in
next winter's primaries and caucuses. Bush has been
linked romantically with everyone from a longtime aide ARAB
to a Timos journalistand, less believably, to o young AI.ARM! YI
Indiana Republican congressman named J. D. Quayle." The OPEc
chemo to Seduce
York Cít)
from "Lillian Carter's Gonorrhea and Other Wacky
Washington Rumors," by David Owen, SPY, March 1979
. ..-; C

tAR( H ''ì SPY ';

Go Fish
Pan1l:?i' /iir Spare (J;ançc in ía,i/itlani l',,iiiíiii

nce upon a tinic I1anhattan's fountains ghtrercd with a wealth of submerged pennies. nickels and quarters the oprornetallk spo
left by wandcring bands of wish-makers and peniìv-a-sho drauiers. But tlwn. (or Sorne reason, people stopp<d making wishes. N1a
we Ios( the childlike sense of wonder and gullihditv that OflcC led us to make wishes. Maybe loose change got scarcer. But whatever
reason, one t1iins tor sure: aiiatk Coin-prospecting in midtown Manhattau isn't what it was hack in 49.

Paramount Plaza, 1\v ptiintc' Thick meringue of green foam [)csptte obvious presence of two pennies iii tountain,
Broadway and over drains; watchful eyes of sweating building manager denies that people ever throw change
51st Street aerobicizers in adjacent Living Well it, saying, Nope. Nope. Nope
Lady Fitness Center

Lincoln Center, Four pennies In 'There's a mechanism in the fountain that Money thrown into fountain (as much as 12 cents a
Broadway arid prohibitively deep makes it so that no one would want to week) funds maintenance of fountain and, presumably,
63rd Street water jthrow coinsl, says a sPokesman. Mech- the notorious mechanism'
anism' involves a lot ofpipes and

Exxon Building, Six pennies Coins accessible only by wading through Custodian can keep whatever he finds, though 'a lot of
Sixth Avenue and soggy leaves and unnaturally white foam it's taken care of by the local characters . who make a

50th Street tour very early in the morning'

McGraw-Hill A single penny Volkswagen-size stainless-steel model of Despite empirical proof, building manager insists people
Building, solar system in fountain disorients would- never throw money in fountain because it's 'not a wishing
Sixth Avenue and be prospectors, as do watchful diners in well'
48th Street adjacen BeanStalk restaurant

Tropic Zonc Seven pennies, 'Monkeys, crocodilians, snakes, hats, in- Even though coins (as much as i 7 cents a week) go into
waterfall in two nickels, sects, free-flying birds, and many other zoo's petty cash, zoo discourages tinaulicited projectile
Central Park Zoo numerous bird tropical species,' according to brochure contributions, which arc 'bad for the animais.' Spokes-
droppings person also notes that the zoos 20 bodies oí water 'arc
and dead insects not wishing wells'

IBM Plazas Slice can, cigarette Rushing water, wet garbage Cleaning crew permitted to keep change, hut cultured PR
Levitatcd butts, paper bags, person notes, 'It's not the Fountain olTrevi'
Mass fountain. foil-wrapped hail
56th Street and sandwich.
Madison Avenue one penny

Bethesda Fountain, Bottle caps Extremely easy access causes fierce compe- Spokesperson says the fountain is 'more or less self-
Central Park titiofl among coin-(lredgers cleaning; passersby usually take care of the change. Also
travel'savvy he adds, k's not like the Fontana di Trevi

Prometheus Fountain, No coins visible Precipitous drop to fountain necessitates -I don't think there's a policy set for that,' says a
Rockefeller Center rappelling gear Rockefeller Center spokesperson, who made no mention
ofthc Fountain of Trevi

Steuben Glass Approximately i 3 Forage at your own risk: construction 'On the average, we collect about six dollars a week,' the
reflecting pool, cents in assorted workers across Fifth Avenue may he building manager says. 'At the end of the year we give it
Fifth Avenue and coins tempted to pitch life-threatening, to the Salvation Army'
56th Street high-velocity pennies from 53rd floor

Trump Tower Lots of pennies, Change can be rcahed only from a single Every one to three weeks, fountain cleaners collect about
Atrium, nickels and dimes fountainside table at Bistro caf s 18 in small change. Trump employee says money is
Fifth Avenue and donated to Unïtcd Cerebral Palsy and the Ilice Athletic
56th Street League, or any charity that comes to mind, (hen adds, 'I
don't know why I'm so cooperative with you guys when
you always write such garbage about us. I guess I should'vt
said it goes straight into Mr. Trump's pocket, right"



. (1.
C i A R E T T E
SPY's REviEws You CAN U SE
IR O?) :/i '('UP! U ¡ti' \fr Io?Jd-A(ïtr

(?(I hI4r(I lOtS 01 JeCb1C S.Ly tILt vervone knows ahoui the honorable SEAT AVAILASILITY: (UR)(l
M( Griffith, thc griveI1y voiccd star of tradition t1flOfl show people of sliing AuDiicE Htiuii*ss IN EXPLAIIING STORY k
Yo"icthing li'.// and WiiAjiiç Girl. Into theaters at Intermission in order to FAR: Excellent
s;noIkrI on -scrcn ; fl( ) v( underst and cath a PliYS seu)Ild att. Once UOfl a A guy shoots himself in die ear an
wha( (htV iiu:.tu. riFfle. a penniless actor would do this iii thcn che rt:inors scart. explains ale
ordc-r to see :h work. Todas', e'en though whos in town (O learn about tolletring an
Ie1anie Griffith sits 'i ria Hoor . . Anieruan cheater is dea1. actors still sneak at Sotlwl,vs. Its alniost too funn 1w
Iighcsng ()flÇ Igarerrc tri in hu Iiit . .
i_ .
In for Iree - and now t) a:i drawls WItll4flIt sarcasm.
Sh: cxhaks .* toluinn ut II1Ik(. . . Lets .
I leres how: Sonic of the guests at the dinner par
put it this jy. Grilfith ,ays. akitg a long l.eave VOLIt ovCr(nat att honie. folti ali know abotit thc- shooting and some (IOn t.
(Irag . S1(. ttfl)S her izarcrte. . . . old P/aim/I Ufl(lCr your ariil and bring says a young nian in a tweed jak&
flkLs ari invisible spxk of cobJc(o troni .ilong i transiLicelir 1'1aSt LIp. Arrive at Therç's a lot of slapstitk.
hcr lip afl(1 rciLglirs. Prepijure. Dcceniber the theater a kw minutes before th end of THE WoRK: Some good bits. but not enough
1988 tue first at t and loiter in Iront. out of view timi: in tlit sei.ond act ( SQ minutes)
Shc was stiiokiig a long In(rlthoI ciga- of the lobby staff. liiig1e with the rovd (leVlO the tharacters fully. (:on°enieticl
rrte. . . On the floor ixt to the hair lay
thai spills our ()flt() the street tor fresh air at though . Si mon accom inodates lateome
litipack of cigarettts. an tshtr.iv. Iictwecii intermission . t lieti stride ptiTl'IOSCIUI Iv into - 411(1 dull-wirted first-aut-rs - by having
.tppli(atIoflS ot brush .iiid sponge. lit slic.
the liibbv with sour cup in hand. Hang the characters reap the entire plot as the
tir. . Shy haLf lwr ugaretics. \X(: had an
. .
artflifld unturtiveiv and wait until the last SC(011il act Opelis.
ashtr.iv. . . She l.nightd and put Utit her
possible moment co take an available seat.
cigarette. - D(1I1i.. 1)eteinbcr -January Figuring (Rl! the plot so tar sla)L1lclr1t be a
1989 trLIetii, especially for those acctistozne&l
tI) Wttt hing TV with a rniote-control de-
Oiie in a dream movie. she lit a black 'ice_ Seule in enjoy the satisting (eel-

dgirett& ith gold tip. I .tlw.ivs t

ins ihtr votire one up on th Peapack
l:ghr ii igarer (('. i r h a gold ip. 1ie t
orthodontist Silt lug neXt R) i)U.
explained. Lanr I iive tile tip io thc
. . .
The following is a up sheet tor getting PLAY: ¡.4'g.f Diamond. scarring Peter Allen -
%vaItet. - ì%F'ic': .z' Fzl,:. March I 988 Into tV() fiore 01 less Lurrent Broadway Mark I lel!inier Theatre. 'Vest 5 1 st Street
- .%Id,k .zl/;er shovs ncither nt which is a sellout. and RGULAR TICKET PRICE (ORciiisTltA): $5(i
OIIC nl vhkh. 1r. seoiid-A«cr (cars. ni.i FIRsT ACT CURTAIN: t). 7 p.m.
001V be avuilalile through Peter Alkils pri- SeCOND ACT CURTAIN Up: 9:34 l'

spy SHOWCASES vate Video Iibrar l.y the iinc this issLie USIR AURTNIss: Nonexistent
SCCS print . hrlwr va. Mr. Seond-Atcr I) r is completely unguarded.
TOMORROWS STARS TODAY I)ror11lss: Your c' enhlig OU dic town viIl S(AT AvAILAIIUTy: Very good
(eel ligluer. brecicr. lcs filling. \';'hcn I ask if I may nhuvC down. an
pLY BiLL usher shows me to a seat iO front row
oenter. Other open seats can be tooth
left rear of orchestra.
FAR: ileUtllLlSLaStIt.
Iitt-rinission ero(I doesn't seem to
Igl 'ery good spirits. To the lLIcSt10 Did
Pu..y: Nei I R#,,mr.t - Broadhurst ITIiSS aiiything a man with a large tre
Theatre. 2.5 WCSC 44th Street head replies. Not muLh. A lot happeiwd


USHER AURTNEss: Moderate
I() biir ir doesni inarrer.
Costumcs are great. but Id rather
him ai Radio City, says a man with a
]he lone guard in tue 1ohh' is a short THE WORK: Halfhearted plot and lavis
gray mati dressed in an old-fashioned \'egas-v pro(luction numbers make to
brown LIO ilorm , ilK I udirig a laL1f1ur-styIe high-entertainment-value second act an
cap with s.ut:rniui stitched across ts brim. One that SeemS USt right at half the k-ngtl
Hc glares. )'(t remains inert. of rue normal Ligs. - Skte S/oil
54 spy MARCH 1989
West East
Brain. Brain.
Your West Brain wants: Light. Air. Your East Brain wants: Hard-nosed
Unique living space. Surrounded by the value. Financing. Parking. Convenient
wonderful neighborhood life of the West transportation. Building Security. The
Side. The Boulevard offers it all. Plus: Boulevard offers it all. Plus: Brazilian
a 75-foot pool, squash and racquetball cherrywood floors, marble baths, Euro-
courts,exercise room, steam room, kitchens, top-of-the-line appliances,
Q1 IflQ CI mr, In n trr'i-
.UILM .L4LILLI11b rJ ,
f humongous closets, at these
for grown-ups and kids, land- RJt'ND5 ALti
common-sense prices:
scaped roof garden, stun-

, , . .

fling lobby with doorman One-bedrooms from

and concierge. tif --
LTH cLuBs;5OClM4CEP\\\
?4(.\ $175,400. Two-bed-
6RUNCH PARhIHG rooms from $312,900.
-- T -_L Three-bedroom du-
';ijslc i ART TRANSPORTAT\/ plexes from $559,400.
.1_ _ One, two and four-

I, L bedroom duplexes
also available. Call
Ms. Spayer for an
i appointment:

Sponsor: Broadway 86th Streei

Associates, do Eichner Proper
ties. Inc. Some servkes may
not be available at closing.
Parking available for a fee;
space limited. This is not an
offering where prohibited by
law. The complete offering R t) UL
terms are in an offering plan ON BROAD ve sales and
available from Sponsor. ng agent:
CC87-050. Prices sub- JAMES CHARLES
ject to change. At last, a both-brainer. STEWART, INC.
: - : :: : :::::::::::: : :.: :
:: : : : :
: . : : : : : : : : : : . . . : : . : : : : : : : : : t : : : : : : : :.: : : : : : : : :.: : ::: : : :::: : :::: : : :

I. ((/7


.%.... ..,

here was an all bu audt- activities that exist within its own walls. sideline when she l)r)(ltic(cl a witherit
hic, sigh ol rclie( Hello. Arthur! lndeed, the Timer is a story tor the paper on Trti:eI & Leuun
breathed by those who newspaper that saw nothing amiss in the lar tiore d isti rigti islied corn petitor. Con

.,ittcnd cerain T:p,ie.c marriage of John Corn'. for years the pa- \t5,
irazeIer. Anderson managed the ne
¿1agazI?w SttW meccings pers (hid critic of nonfiction television (eat of committing this thoroughgoing et
.1% word made its way programning. ro Sonia Landau. the chair- ical breath and at the same time earnit
through rhe dingy offices tha J1(ideS editor man until two ears ago of the Corporation valuable Tirnei brownie pointsgood t
Ku hIlltrsI)Il was Ieavil)g to betonw CX(1(I- for Public Broadcasting. the i. hid supplier ward further frecltnec permi
ti.e vdi(or ot 1lpthaitap,. zn. Erncrsons of nonlicrion television programming. sions by including in licr story flattent
coIIcagll(s xviII no doubt miss his special The Times is a paper that promotes mention of che flrneis own eflorc in ti
bran(l ()I VitttlO%() bu!1'kiSsiflg - a skill Martin Arnold - who, like Emerson. had area . The Sophistiaud Tra: tier.
honed over s'ears oÍ osculation at the back- served years of bum-kissing fealty under After culture reporter Leslie Bennett
sidc ol bis mcntor. deposed TiPlleI 1agazz?l( Klein at th magazine -- w the powerful who had been at the paper for a decad
editor Ed Klein. ( Ruin-kissing does have post of cornlntlnications cear. in diarge ut wrote about (.hes. (or Vanity Fair. slit. w
its rçwards. however: ii was Klein who both television and publishing ioverage. invited iflt() Hoges cell ton a proper dre
sugesred to I%lfn/,aIIafl. i,i. editor (..lay hie paper evidently sees no problem 4it all ing-down. ihough the door was losed.
l:clkcr that Lmcrson would be just the sort in Arnolds live-in arrangement with audible was his pique that fragments old
ol l)rI)wnnosing toad . . . whoops, I/i2I u io Kathy Robbins. a prominent New York conversation were heard out in che ne
Ji). . . . stalwart . independent editor Felker agent with a lienc list of media maneuver- room. Hoge told Bennetts that this was
vas looking for.) ers including \illiani Pale and former first instance bed eier encountered uf
Although tlw .kparttirt of an egrc.gious journalIst Tony Schwartz. wrircrs wishing to write elsewhere. \X'h
favor-curricr is alwsys cause br celebration Last year Carol Vogel. a dign reporter Bennerts pointed out than lied granu
;trnting rhc nascs at nw Tiniri. it is nut the at t)w paper. igi.jcsted a story to the niaga- freelance permission to another writer e
50k eXplatflatiofl fist the guarded elation. and was .L)parcIiclv giveti the go-
Lilie lier that day. Hoge reportedly said. A
l:merson. it scçnis. is such an on-the-go ahead on it. But the subject was off her you Calhflg ,?le 1 I:ar.'
I:. - -I- . ). I. i
sornethiiig of a repur.i- beat. and so she was told that she would The next day CXCCLItIVC editor M
tion (or neglecting his posttoilet toilette. have to work on it nights and weekends. Frankel. a mati even more obsessed b d

And so at the stafF meetings oLleagties Which \'ogel did. Because ir wasnt a story subject of his staffs freelance cndeav
would assemble earls' in order to niake about Middle Last geopolitics. the maga- than his predecessor. Abe Rosenth
fevered grabs tor che assorted gunitny fish zinc Law no reason to run it; Vogel decided Posted on the newsroom bulletin loar.i
and caramel nibs in the omniunal (andy to shop ir elsewhere. She first sought the particularly vindictive memo abuut 1k
tray before he arrived. When he did. hed counsel of her agent. who told her that ncrt%s transgression . Bennetts short
thrust his hand into the sweets di%h in before shc did anything she ought to thereafter oined a distingu islie I iressï
quest o his beloved M&Ms - whereupon a broach the idea of selling the piece else- of young and youngish TIme5 talent wi
wave of sudden, silent confection uninter- where to Warren Hoge. editor in charge of have left nbc paper and became a (('mn
est would overcome his colleagues. freelance permissions at the Times. Hoge uting editor at 1/anit Fair. But then. t
The socially unredeeming entertainment refused Vogels requesta verdict that her il?ie.i has always had a unique lidlity f
portion of this column finished. now bak agent might well have suspected all along. bullying its most talented reporters. h
to the subject that has lately informed this Her agenrs naine is Kathy Robbins. mer TV-heat reporter Peter Boyer was a
page: che Timers willfully erratic applka- Metro section reporter Susan Heller parently hectored nor because tn exui
non of its own conflict-of-interest guide- Anderson is one of the forwnates who from his hook. Who Killed CBS?. appear
linesguidelines that seem to place greater have been granted permission to write else- in l/a',ity Fair last year but because
importance on the extracurricular writings where in her case. for T'wrc'I ô Leiskrr. wasnt written in bloodless Tirnt.r style.
of is reporters than on the near-corrupt Unfortunately. she did not disdose this -J. .1. lhilJ(v4

56 SPYMARCH 1989

i ®UFE®N
.,ø, .;;;:. - :zz \ '.. \
;,. 0
t' 1,11

'x \'
Q '
o . .

c ' ' . .
: . "


Ss\'4 CI


) 4)
o.p c o i1ij
) -
0.0 P1

;:' ; -

-. 4V-z:
Q- o
:2 -o O

p Q
. o
H e was a doctor I'kc [)r. Kildire s and nieziihvrs of the ruling families ot several continents. Mor
He sts a Ii,uut- site rrusrcd. spe(iti(allv. they have been Ireiie Papas. ballerina-actress Lesti
Hc was a doctor U) whon si, had paid lors and L)tS of rnoiwy. l3rune. Bella Abztig and Roberta Flak. Mrs. Joe l3ologiia (Re
For the last (our weeks Jane I)ot (not lier ra1 namL). a 32- nc..I. Taylor) has in the past witnessed loi l)r. Berger. using sud
var-oId fashion consultant. had betL visiting the Park Avenue credil)itity-bi)osting platforms as Tht 1)'n./ne S/.'oze.
()ftkcs of Rolcrr Gilkr. t.D. nutrItionist co the stars. vitamin But most of Dr. Berg&s and Dr. Gitler's patients are no
disi,enser to New Yorks elite hypochondriacs. author of the best- famous. just as most of the rcople who eat at Elaine's or go to Vai
selling 1)00k ?ir1ediclI i'e1.ikeover. Hv had diagnosed
till sorts of fool aren't \Voody Allen or Jack Nicholson. The majority of thes
allergies she never knew she had by administciiìg a blood test and patients are drawn from New Yorks sizable population of au
carefully - .ririiiJiis/Ij - analyziii a scr.tnd of her hair. To oiitio1 eilt willing to grasp onto any novelty in the health. beaut

her cravirgs for sweets. he had prescribed a botk of chromium and fitness fields - willing ro pay any price and endure any pro
pills. Costing around S2() anc ct)nvtinentiv sold right in his very cess. no matter how humiliating, in order to stave off decay. Likt
own And 1w liad ziven her lnvga(lOsvs of vittmin (.. She used cars passing through one repair bay after another, they whilt
bL(I l)CgLlfl to feel more alive. ht,tlthicr. . . their days in OffCC5, gyms and salons, hoping to emergc
That s. until she had suddenly been rusliid to the em&rgency spanking new.
room btxause Licr body vas puffing up like 4t sotiffl. Strange, she Doctors Berger iIi(i (uiller have latched on to this gravy train
had th()Utht to herself. she liadnt had an allergic reaction like this and become rieti themselves by wr:ting diet hooks, appearing on
in six yearsand bow odd tha: it had happened only four veeks talk ShOWS and expanding their private practices juti) clic most
aUer she had heun seeing Dr. Gilkr. And now she was reading an elite and most necrotic social and celebrity circles. For these
article in Tbe New York Ti,,,e; about how to recognize a disreputa- tWo caring profssionals unlike so many of their remote col-
blt fltltritiúfli%t. written by the first lady of personal hcalch lier- leagues - patients arc more than just amalgams o symptoms and
sell. Jane Brody (sec Eat. Drir.k and Re Merry But Sparingly. insurance forms; they are friends the people the good doctor1
62). As I)oe ticked oII niorç and more of Br()dvs warning socialize with, the people they summer with. the people- whc
signals signals that relaed to Dr. Oilier. such as the hair teSt and introduce them to other wealthy and celebrated People. people
rli expensive. offke-sold vitamins - it all began to make sense. who themselves might very well have multiple allergies or need
She thought she heard a sound :n her riiinds eir. lt the SOUnd lkuid vitamin pick-me-ups. This is the nice part nl doctoring.
It duck mtkes. The tough part of doctoring is thc scientificdiagnosticHip.
IWo weeks later. on IIav , I 988. Patients of yet another pocratic oath tart. lt is worth noting here that both Dr. Bergem
a of amici Dr. Gilkr arc, in fact, real doctors - thc medical kind.
(liet books. most notably Dr. Brer.r Imm,mc Poze r Dirt, got .t Berger received his degree from Tufts University Medical School
scare from the Dail) :\eui. The paper announced chat a big fit and also received a graduate degree from the Harvard School ut
probe was heitig C.)IldUCtCd by the New York Stette Department Public 1 lealdi (Lredelltials he repeats over and OVet, as if they wert
ot Health into the lratice of Dr. Stuart Berger. prompted by mantras. in his books); he began but apparently never finished
complaints troni several former patients. The doctor. it seemed, residency in psychiatry Dr. Giller's medical degree comes (rom thi
had been issued a subpczia asking to turn over not just the
111121 'niversity of Illinois; he served in the Army as a specialist ir

tiles of the l)ttRfltS but also the tiames 1tiid addresses of everyone preventive mcdicine but especially likes to point to the year ht
whod V.Orkel for him Strice 1983. (As ufjanuary. the investiga- spent in Hong Kong training as an acupuncturist.
tion is proceeding; 1)r. Bergers practice remains open.) Anyone. however - even Paul Prudhomme car. become a nu
Despite their suspect methods, both Dr. Gilkr. in his late critionist in New York State; there is no licensing or certificatior
forties, I)r. Berger, in his mid-thirties. have found a loyal
Ifl(l process tiere. In fact. ('nC physician recently demonstrated just ho
folløwing of clients who PLY clearly for their advice and treat- easy it is to join the American Association of Nutrition anc
inents not to mention the putative social standing achieved by Dietary Consultants b sending in a S5() check and an applicatior
heitig sported in their waiting moms. In fLct. although the two on bchalfof his dog; soon alter, the dog was accepted for member'
doctors have no protssiotial association and (l)fit see cacti other shii. (Dietitians, on the other hand, are required to follow
sociall they have created some of the saine patients. I knew he specified course of study and are certified in New York State h)
-as a 1uack, 1)LIt i kept returniii. SS t)tie teinak 1's' producer the American Dietetic Association. Indeed. the ADA compiainec
Wh) tO Dr. Giller. She goes on to pr1)Iably more w the to The Neu' York Ti,,ìtj in I 986 that there has been a dramati
Point - Did )'()U know Bianca Jaggers a client? increasc in the number of unqualified nutritionists who dupe th
In addition to Jagger. Dr. Giller has had many other clients public with gimmicks and quackery. ) In their books, neither Dr
known less for their common scuse than for. as the siying goes. Berger nor Dr. Gitter claims any official status as a dietitian oi
being k,wun. George Hamilton. for instance, and (ornier substance nutritionist; nor would they or their oices supply any professiona
al)t:SCrS Liza Minnelli. Judy Collins ¡LtId Carrie Fisher. Mikhail associations. (just come and see him. one ol Dr. Bergers recep
Baryshnikov felt he needed Dr. Gilkrs vitamin supplements to tiOfliStS told a SPY researcher she mistook for a potential patient
keep hini dancing, .tnd Los Angeles Laker Karcein Abdul-Jabbar 'All the best people see
soug)n treatment troni Dr. Giller for migraines. Interestingly. the t'o doctors have niuch in common besides
Dr. Bergers patients are no slouches, either. They are. he best -sellers. Iiigli-pwfile patients and an casi y exploited specialty.
in (Ifle of his hooks, tllm and television celebrities, major ocr Both of their careers. tor instance. have thrived on otierinmz cures
brokers from Wall Street. corporate heavy hitters . . world- . for the widest-ranging ofsymptoms - symptonis St) common as te
renowned artists, musicians, in tel lectuals, Professional athletes, guarantee a plentiful pool of patients. According tu) Dr. Gillers

60 SPY MARCH 1989

book, Medical Makeover if you suffer from headaches, afternoon
fatigue, inability to concentrate. sleeplessness, depression {or) sus-
. . . your body may be trying to warn you of
ceptibility to colds
future chronic disease. (Your body may also be warning you that
you live in the late twentieth century.) Stress, the complaint of
fvor in the 1980s. is a particular bugaboo of Dr. Gillcr's. The r

best-selling Dr. Bergers immune Pou'er Diet tells its readers that if .

they sufFer from a whole textbook's worh of symptoms, ranging

from jet lag ro flatulence, they very likely harbor hidden allergks,
not just the pedestrian ones (cat hair, dust balls, ragweed). Dr.
SLURP Dr. Berger
Giller also discovers allergies, allergies that are as sophisticated as awkwardly demons?rates .

their wealthy victims, allergies to foods such as endive, mustard the good life by waving o
glass and taking o big juicy .'
seed, paprika. l have very specific allergies that I did not know I bite out o on unortunote
had until I saw hirn,' notes an enthusiastic Bianca Jagger, sound- p,ccc of fruit.
hg like M. Jourdain, Molière's would-be gentleman, who never -

realized that he'd been speaking prose all those years. A pasty, pudgy giant who appears to carry at least 250 pounds
Both doctors have gone in for the hair testing and vitamin on his six-foot-seven-inch frame, Dr. Berger in the flesh does not
prescribing that Jane Doe noticed on the Brody warning list, and exactly inspire confidence in his regimenshow, one might ask,
both doctors frequently prescribe the same regimens for many could a nutritionist allow himself to become so enormous that his
different patients (yet another Brody caveat). After sacrificing a collars cut into his neck like tourniquets? (Dr. Berger declined to
drop of blood and a strand of hair to Dr. Giller, one patient was be interviewed by spy.)
cold that she was allergic co milk (among many other things); she Any fool can lose weight, Dr. Berger says in a promotional
later discovered, she claims, chat he tells lots of women theyre video for one of his books. People in concentration camps lost
allergic to milk." He also administers a lot of vitamin B shots weight, people in prisoner-of-war camps lost weight which is
(see A Visit to Vitamin Hell, page 65). A former employee of one Dr. Berger assertion that few would debate. He likes to tell
Dr. Bergers said, in an interview with ABC News, L was told to the story in his books of how, as a lonely boy growing up in
automatically mark them off [allergies to yeast, dairy. eggs and Brooklyn over bis family's candy store, he ate his way through
wheati. Half of [the patients) don't even have reactions to these childhood and adolesccncc until one night, when he was tipping
foods. the scale at over 400 pounds, he found he could no longer fit into
Both doctors also share a propensity for finding themselves at his seat at the opera. He promptly started a diet, taking close to
odds with the medical establishment. The AMA says there is no four years to lose 2 i O pounds; in the process, he says, he dcvel-
such thing as antistress vitamins, Dr. Giller admitted cheerfully oped bleeding ulcers and migraines, which led him to study
to People magazine. But I feel that antioxidants help people feel dieting and nutrition.
better. He also asserted that while the AMA denies that doses of After receiving bis degrees from Tufts and Harvard, Dr. Berger
chromium, one of his favorite minerals, block a craving for sweets, attempted a residency in psychiatry at New York University, but
his clinical experience' shows that the pills work (so conclusively, he left, according to various sources, after a clispute with the
it seems, that he indiscriminately handed a bottle over to me when director; it is unclear whether he ever finished a residency any-
I mentioned, off the cuff, that I like sweets: Here, he said where. Nevertheless, at age 27, Dr. Berger became a media
helpfully, try I/ In a New York magazine interview, Dr. shrink, a lower-rent Joyce Brothers appearing on the Midday show
Berger whined about the Food and Drug Administration's state- with Bill Boggs to discuss the psychological implications of current
ment that some of the tests he used to routinely employ are events. But it was Dr. Bcrgcrs best-selling books, and subsequently
worthless as a way of detecting food allergies, adding that he booming Fifth Avenue practice, that made him the millions he
found it morally roublesome that the FDAs pooh-poohing a continues to earn today.
test he had already used on thousands of people would affect In i 982, having had apparently no specific professional or aca-
general opinion so drastically demic experience in the field of nutrition, Dt Berger coauthored with
And there's one other thing that Doctors Berger and Giller Marcia Cohen the hook Southampton Diet - the diet that keeps the
share. lt's a factor that, perhaps more than anything else, explains 'Beautiful People' thin, beautiful and super active. Southampton
their staggering success: both maintain offices within walking Diet promised a weight loss of up to I 5 pounds in two weeks and
distance of Le Cirque. played profitably to readers social anxieties about l)eing snubbed
by the rich. in Southampton. thin is the name of the game, the
r. Berger's ground-floor oí&e is located on Fifth Avenue book says, and the diet's fame lured many Hamptons residents
near 61st Street. Walking into it, one is at first impressed by the and many more Hamptons wanna-bes to Dr. Berger's office,
large David Hockney watercolor hanging on one wall (bought on which was hastily opened to cash in on the book's success. Seem-
the advice of his close personal friend Leonard Bernstein). But it's ingly overnight, Dr. Berger became a practicing nuritionist. He
the checkout counter, situated in the middle of the pastel-tinted began writing magazine articles and a weekly column for the New
lobby, with its drugstore-style display of Dr. Berger's own line of Post, which was edited by his friend Roger Wood.
expensive supernutrients and fiber supplements, that really sets Unfortunately, Dr. Berger's new career drew the enmity of his
the torte. lt is here that up to 40 patients a day will sit and wait to two alma maters. Dr. Jean Mayer, the president of Tufts and for
e Stuart Berger. 26 years a Harvard professor of nutrition, wrote in a Wall Street

MARCH 1989 SPY 6l

J ournal review of another of 1)r. Berger's books, It is my ho)
that no future graduate of the Toits Medical School will exhibit
little knowledge of nutrition as does Dr. Berger. Fredrick Stat
the chairman of Harvard's nutrition department when Berger w
a student, has taken the trouble to point out in a televised ne
BRYAN MILLER, BON VIVANT, VS. JANE E. BRODY, KILUOY report that Dr. Berger, despite his claims, never cook a sing
Every Friday. Bryan Miller. restaurant reviewer for The Neu York Timti, nutrition course at Harvard. And not long after the publication
describes the putative virtues of restaurants around town in an effort to Soithampton Diet, American Health magazine declared that the di
help New Yorkers better enjoy the pleasures of food and drink. On was "little more than a semantically upscakcl version of a di
Thursdays, Jane E. Brody, health columnist for the Times. reports at
concept devised . . . by the late nutrition pioneer Norman Jollifi
length the dismal news about some everyday human habit - often the
eating of popular foods that has proved to be shockingly unhealthful M.D., when he was working for the decidedly unchic New Yo
and, given suf&ient repetition, lethal. Whom should we believe? City Department of Health.
None of the naysaying. however, has mattered. Dr. &rge
main purpose in life is to he an actor, to be among the rich ar
At Zarela: Virtually all the (Frying is) not advisable il youre famous, but not helping pcple, says a former employee. Accon
appetizers arc recommended. trying to cut down on fat. ing to a source, around the time of Southampton Diet Dr. Berg
including . . . chilaquiles. which began frantically looking for a Hamptons house of his own; I
Sour cream . . . is at least 18
are frsed tortilla strips overlaid bought one shortly thereafter. (In New York, he lives in a pen
percent fat, use yogurt rnstead.
with shredded chicken. cart sour
cream and white cheddar cheese 1n cheddar . . . 75 percent of the house duplex in The Beaumont, on West 6 ist Street, and can I
. .. (and) flautas, . . tacS served calories are fat calories. seen around town driving up to his favorite Italian restaurants in
with fresh guacamole Avocados also have a lot of fat. Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow.)
lt wasn't long before Dr. Berger realized that while exploicir
At Aquavit: A salmon tartar High fat fish include salmon.... people's fears of looking unattractive was profitable, exploitir
blended with minced oysters is an
Switch to skim milk. . . their fear of death was even more profitable. In 1985, 'ust as ri
ethereal briny combination; ditto
the sheets of this mildly smoked,
Evaporated skim milk can be AIDS epidemic was beginning to frighten heterosexuals, Dr. Be
silk salmon with horseradish substituted for Cream. ger published Immune Power Diet. Given the increasingly panici
cream . (But) the sweet-
. High cholesterol meats to avoid climate, that title alone was enough to cause a sensation, and cl
breads (were) bland and spongy. include all the organ meats book copped the Neu York Times best-seller list for 1 6 weeks. I
brains, sweetbreads . . . and fact. Dr. Berger didn't directly address the question of AIDS; 1
just claimed chat his new diet had the power to strengthen an
At Sam's: The hefty hamburger Avoid . . . hamburger.. revitalize your body's immune system by eliminating the foods i
[is] among the best in town which everyone has "hidden food sensitivities.
At Meirose: Finally there as a .. Once again the medical establishment rained on Dr. Berger
simple but exquisite roost parade. Dr. Mayer, the Tufts president and Dr. Berger debunk
duck. . . wrote in a review of Inmune Power Diet that food allergies are rar
At Raintrees: Recommended
sausages. diflicult to diagnose and properly treated only by a registeR
appetizers include . . . grilled dietitian. In his defense Dr. Berger has said, 1'he medical esta)
fennel sausage. lishment has long debated the evidence on food sensitivities. .
As I 've said before, my practice is highly controversial and bast
At Sabor: Sabor will prepare a There are no very lean cuts of
complete feast around a roast pork.
on hypotheses only now being proved in the research laboratories
suckling pig for groups ofeight oc Medical ethics. of course - not to mention common sense us
The highest blood cholesterol
more. . . Another winner is coco ally require treatments to be proved efficacious before they a
levels resulted from coconut oil.
quemado, a thick, hot coconut indiscriminately put into practice.
custard . . . served under a melting Heavy whipping cream is 38 To find out what lood sensitivities a patient has. Dr. Berg
glacier of fresh whipped creom. percent buttcrfat
has done tests in his own laboratory (the laboratory, presumabi
At The Rainbow Room: A . . . Chocolote . . . icings are on the where all his hypotheses are currently being proved). In a l9
frozen praline souffl6 is watch-out list. ABC News report on Dr. Berger, a number of his former empIo'
lubricated with hot chocolate ces revealed that they fabricated test results and got rid of the re
slides. (We were told to) throw them out, said one ex-employi
We mustn't, however, be overly quick to judge Brody as a stick-in-the- on the program. He had the disease of the week, another r
mud. I agree with Dr. Myron Winick, she has written, who says you employee told si'v. One week all his patients had candida (a yea
don't have to abandon fine dining . . . to eat prudently. . . Dr. Winick . infection). The next week it was thyroid problems. He doesn
suggests that you avoid items described (on menusi in any of the following know what h&s doing. Indeed, even before she could fini
terms: buttery, buttered or butter sauce; sautéed, (ned. pan-fried, or rattling off her symptoms, one recent prospective patient of E
crispy; creamed, cream sauce, or in its own gravy; au gratin, Parmesan, in
cheese sauce. or escalloped; au lait, la mode, or au fromage; marinated, Berger's was told by his cheerful receptionist, Yup! Sounds IiI
stewed, basted, or casserole; prime, hash, pot pie, and hollandaise. Other yeast!
than that, bon appbit! Jarnie Malanowski J oy Gabel, a former patient of Dr. Bergers, spent rient
$2,000 before realizing that he was not helping her. The horn
All quotes are from the best-selling Jane Brady's Nntrition Book
of this is, she told ABC, thar one of the things he told me I w

62 SPY MARCH 1989

: _
! *. -
:'Ç II
ccçu"1 I i I

may mase me i' u
I .
.man. i to see wtìts
i: !'' in his huuor cabinet. A.
I ¿

4 1!iii-
- .. ,.. ::



-lu-- . C .

. ..:.
' ,%\
. .

; : :i:''
F r I i'
.- _,-E:1

-.---- \..'.. ..
--- .- ----Y-- 4'
. I

U;T1i 3
deathly allergic to was soy, and the supplement he gave mc ro
drink twice a day was soy powder.
Dr. Berger's next book. Hou' to Be Your Ou.',j Nutritioni.ri, was
published in i 987. Finally he seemed to be providing a real
serviceeliminating the need to see Stuart Berger. With an eye
toward exploiting the publics occasional resentment of the medi-
cal establishment, the book cries ro play up ¡rs supposedly pio-
fleeting iconoclasm by uoring the hostile reviews garnered by
IDilnufle Power Diet, including one that called ir a collection of
quack ideas about food allergies.
Despite SUCh bravado, patient complaints have prompted the
investigation uf Dr. Bergers practice by the New York State
Department of Health. Just over a year ago Dr. Berger was served
a subpoena requiring him to turn over records as well as provide a
description of the ingredients in eleven different manufactured-
exclusively-for-Dr. - Berger vitamin supplements with such ener-
getic-sounding names as Power Booster, Power B-90 and Amino
Power. According to papers filed by his lawyer. Anthony Scher. the
doctor believes the investigation was spurred by insurance compa-
nies who disagree with Dr. Berger's methods.
As the investigation continues. Dr. Berger not only continues to
practice but has also been promoting yet another new book, the
honestly titled What Your Doctor Didu t Learn in Medical School.
On The Donahue Show last year. he blasted away at colleagues,
accusing doctors of not washing their hands, and urged his audi-
ences to police their hospitals and demand the best treatments
such as the ones he provides.

or. C i I I e r s best - sellini Medical Ma,&oz'er offers a revnlu-

tionary no-willpower program for lifetime hcaIch. The book, as bully John Kennedy Jr. and Bianca Jagger. Dr. Gilkr bcga
well as his current high-grossing practice, is based on the discovery hanging out with Halstons crowd at Studio 54 and the Hamp
that stress causes bad habits and that bad habits cause bad health. tonswhere. of course, he met many other credulous. wealth
Dr. Giller described his unscartling epiphany to Interriew maga- potential patients. A lot of times the celebrities are friends of on
zinc in 1986: About four or fivc years ago. J noticed that I didnr another, says Dr. GiHer, who, unlike Dr. Berger, was happy t
have as much energy. . . . I noticed I was drinking more coffee . . discuss his professional techniques with sv. You get one ans
having a glass or two of wine . . and eating more sugar and
. they tell their friends.
sweets. . . . I thought that might have been contributing ro my He became sort of . . . well, tacky about connections, says
feeling run-down. wOfl)afl who knew him at the time his practice began to take oH
What more likely was contributing ro his blab feeling were rh My friend took him ro a Michaeljackson party at the Museum a
too many nights he spent at Studio 54 in the late 1970s and early Natural History and he dumped her at the door. Dr. Gilk
'80s, burning the candle with such close personal friends as Jag- networked at Studio 54 and started meeting a lot of celcbritie
get, Warhol and Steve Rubell. With the aid of his own reat- who started coming to see him for the vitamin shots that made i
merits, he continues to lead a glamorous. somewhat fast-paced possil)k to party the way everyone did then, says an early patien
life. Two summers ago Dr. Giller and Jagger shared a house in of Dr. Gillefs and fellow Studio 54 habiru&.
East Hampton. Since then, like Dr. Berger. he has been able ro This patient was referring to the famous B shot. While mud
move into his own Hamptons home, and he can be seen touring of Dr. Giller's practice involves such commonsense advice a
around eastern Long Island in his pink 1979 Cadillac. 1 wanted telling patients to eliminate had habits and eat well-balanco
something to make me laugh, Dr. Giller says ofthc color. In New meals, the B. shot is the sexy drawing card. One former Dr. Cille
York, Dr. Giller lives in a duplex on East 87th Street, filled with J)atient remembers in detail her first visit to his office in the earl
the ubiquitous Warhols. One member of the early-eighties New 1980s. l went to him specifically to get the orgasm shot, sh
York demimonde remembers visiting the doctors pad for a party says. Tliats what it was called, you know, at least around Studi'
and being struck by the pornt flhovies being played on the large- 54. On her first visit, after prescribing enough pills to fill
screen video projector in the master bedroom. medicine cabinet and suggesting that she considcr sroppin
Getting one socially connected client is the ticket to succcss, smoking, Dr. Giller finally got down to business. lts really
says a friend. And although Dr. Giller had been practicing in New vitamin shot, the former patient insists. nor wishing ro draw an
York since 1973 (specializing then in holistic medicine and acu- analogy between Dr. Giller and Dr. Charles Roberts, the shot
puncture), his career didnt really take off until he met Halston giving doctor who made much of the New York nightlife of th
and the two became friendly while working out together at the sixties possible. I was really run-down, going through a divora
gym of Radu, the Romanian trainer who has also been paid to doing too much cocaine. Dr. Giller said ir would help, and in 1a

64 SPY MARCH 1989

said chat biweekly vitamin shots would counteract any bad effects American Society of Hospital Pharmacists agrees: (Vitamins] all
o(the drugs. have good oral absorption. Dr. Giller admits the practice is
The shot she received, which she remembers as a combination controversial hut says he has found that B,: shots do revitalize
ofvitamins C and B and ACE (adrenal cortical extract). did not fatigued patients. As for the patients who have experienced un-
havv xactIy the effect she hoped. Shortly after the cherry-colored usual reactions to the shot, he says, I can't say that in all my years
syrup was injected into her arm through at least eight inches of practice no one has felt light-headed or sick after the shot . .
worth of hypodermic needle. she saw the white Lrrnica counter but I don't recall any severe reactions.
and peach-colored sheet spinning around thc room. Thcre was J ack M. Rosenberg, the director of the International Drug
the promised rush and then a tingling like alter youre given Information Center, admits that B2 is sometimes better ahsorbed
nitrous oxide at the dentist's office, recalls the patient, adding when injected. [But) a good, balanced diet should get a person all
that she began sneezing and coughing soon after and eventually the necessary vitamins. When asked for his opinion of prescribing
experienced breathing difficulties. Dr. Giller promised her that on chromium and Supernutrient supplements frequent Dr. Giller
her second visit he wouldnc use the ACE. since she must have a nostrumsRoscnberg replied, lt's pretty much hocus-pocus.
sensicivity to one of the preservatives used by the pharmaceutical But for the posh and would-bc P°1 patients of both Dr. Giller
tompanv. She left his office about $300 poorer only to be sur- and Dr. Berger. hocus-pocus is perhaps the point. After all, its
prisid that night at 1 :00 a.m. by a delayed burst of energy, which certainly far more Pleasant tO trust one's health to something like
she attributes to the shot, that kept her up all night pacing. After a vitamin shot or a no-willpowcr diet than to acquire the self-
her second visit, during which Dr. Gilkr gave her a shot of B,2 discipline necessary to eat well and exercise once in a while. And
alonc. she stopped going to him. Says another former Dr. Giller given the cliquishness of their two practices, becoming a patient of
patient. l would sit there for 20 minutes while the vitamins were Dr. Giller's or Dr. Berger's can provide a reassuring sense of
mainlined into my arm. When I got up, I was flying! Many. of community. Patients get together outside the offices, sharing al-
course. enjoy these infusions it vim. Eighty-one-year-old Evelyn lergy anecdotes over kir royales.
Kovncr. who sees Dr. Gullet once a week for B,2 shots, says she has One of Dr. Gillers patients recalls meeting another Dr. Giller
the energy of a 40-year-old. 1 believe in him I 000 percent, she Patiet outside the upscale I O Downing St. Cleaners in Greenwich
enthuses. Village. This nice lady asked me if I would mind going in and
There is nevertheless widespread skepticism of vitamin shots picking up her cleaning since she could not. I asked her why she
within th medical community. There is not a real need, in my couldn't go in, and she said she was allergic to dry-cleaning fluid.
view, to inject vitamins, says Patricia Hausman, author of a hook It turned out she went to Dr. Giller, too. We became friends
on vitamin nutrition called The Right Dose. Dr. Marie Smith of the imrnediatc'ly. ?

FOOTNOTES lergy-ridden, acupuncture-crazed women (plus a

Edovt otr AIth,,igl, iv ii
I (aUJ thi foc.osei c::c Dal) ÖISC
man or two) waiting to see Dr. Giller.
¡oiare. th opnu,u expretud s Lotta nice new patients this week," says one of
the qotv, wriT iieraI1 hatk.d
search of the legendary "vitamin B7" shot and ap & a ,sN,itherofthr 12
the two receptionists at the front desk, surveying the
armed with nothing but brio and blank checks, ,Ihtnh:oaa/ ithortti u spoke register of upcoming appointments and, perhaps,
to: opuuooi differed ox/y iie thur
healthy spy reporters RACHEL URQUHART and degree of whvewwe.
silently calculating the week's gross. Real nice."
LISSA SCHAPPELL paid two undercover visits each As a client checks out, the receptionist asks her if
to the Pork Avenue offices of celebrity nutritionist she has had a shot or just a treatment.
r. Robert Gifler. Schappell complained of these im- You always ask me if I got a shot," answers the
ginary symptoms: dry skin, hyperactivity, head- bewildered client. What are these shots?"
ches, stomachaches and insomnia, as well as a A chorus of patients and personnel sings out
sire to lose a few pounds. Urquhart feigned these cheerfully and in unison: "The B,2 shot!"

ore or less opposite complaints: fatigue, loss of

ppetite, frequent infections and overstimulated [LISSA SCHAPPELL'S FIRST VISIT
ivory glandsso-called wet mouth. Here is what Since doctors, in my experience, require criminally
ese intrepid and still alive reporters found. long waits, I am surprised when a nurse comes and
retrieves me from the waiting room shortly after I
CENES FROM THE VIAITING ROOM '"Th. sificocy of hair tests finish filling out Dr. Giller's copious forms. I am led
is 'cry low to nil, soyl
crtis no Muzak; instead, a tabletop humidifier Johanna Dwyer, D.Sc.,
into a small white room. The nurse takes a sample
ums softly, breathing sterilized oxygen into the R.D., professor of m.dicân. of my blood. Then I am seated in a low chair.
(nut,itlon) at Tufts
m. There are no magazinesno People, no dog- Unl.rsity M.dkol School "Don't be surprised," she cautions as a sharp stain-
red copies of National Geographic, no Coinopolitan, ond director of th. Fronces less-steel instrument enters my peripheral vision.
Stern Nutrlton Center at
ot even any giveaway copies of Special Reports; th. New Englond Medical
"These are thinning scissors. It sounds like I'm cut-
stead there is a bookcase with an old volume of Csnter Hospital. "The ting a lot, but you won't be able to see a thing."
FDA doesn't biliev. in
1»s Who, coffee-table art books and a copy of them. . . . A doctor might
Schuich, schutch, .rchutch, Locks of my hair fall away
corge Plimptons Fireworks. There is nothing continus giving them and are slipped into a pre-addressed envelope. I
b.caai. he is out of dot.,
uch to look at beyond the spare gray-and-white- or becaus. it makes things
write the first check of my visit, made out to Doc-
me decormainly a dozen stressed-out, al- look ,ci.ntfic." tor's Data Hair Test, for $23.'
I am led into another white room, where a nurse, says Dr. attributable to low blood sugar. He gives me a list
Victor H,,bs,t, chi.f of
comes in and takes my blood pressure. I tell her my flOflO s: no sweets, no coffee or tea, no cigarettes-'

anxiety, headaches, stomachaches, dry
mouth, dry skin and inability to sleep. Without
° "
h.matoIo und nutrition
Bronx V.t.rons
Administration Medical
and cut back on the red meat and diet soda. No
CSn?.r. os will ai o dangerous quackery, but not exactly ground-break4
I even glancing up from her notepad she makes a professor at Mount Sinai ing work in the field of nutrition, either.
School of Medicine.
snap diagnosis: That would be calcium, she says Colcium deficiency is a What we will do is give you some vitamins, no

ii.y unlikely thing unless
confidently.2 a lot to start, 'cause I don't want to overload you a
You have a metabolic
When I say that the concept of rampant, undiag- dlso,.r, says Dr. Stephen first. He also gives me some soothing advice. 'Al
nosed food allergies one of the bases of Dr. Giller's Barreft, editor of the lergics don't have to be forever, he says, althougl
practice is new to me, she responds, 0h God, newsletter and o board he has yet to diagnose any. Hey, you might out
everybody's got food allergies, and assures memb.roftheNational grow some of these allergies, and some you'll learl
Council Against Health
me that Dr. Giller can help me just as he's helped Fraud. tO live with. He gives me a friendly pat on th
countless others, herself included. After this shoulder and disappears, but not before telling me
Moonie-like outburst of faith, the doctor enters and must schedule another appointment to discuss ch

introduces himself with the ease and élan of a food-allergy test - the $2 50 food-allergy test tha
lounge singer. As he shakes my hand and looks right he is going to run on my blood.
into my eyes I thinkor am meant to think, at any At the front desk I am given a shiny red-papes
rate discuss my symptoms and tell
this man cares. I '' Hubert: lt is a false goody sack, which resembles a swank department-
repr.sintotion to say
him a bit about the way I live.

evone hoi food store cosmetics-sample bag. This bag, however, is

The doctor wants to know if I'm married, and if allergies. lt's like saying full of pills, and the receptionist tells me in what
everyone has automobile
my marriage causes me any stress. He wants to accidents." dosages I am to take them: These are chromium
know if I have read his book, Medical Makeover. s,, pills - they are going to stabilize your blood sugar
When I say I haven't, he produces a copy and, right
in the middle of the examining room, personally '\ 1____ O
and control your cravings for sweets.' He want
you to take the multivitamins three times a day and
autographs ir: TO ELISSA, FOR YOUR HEALTH. He these magnesium pills two times a day.'
then decides that a full exam is necessary. Before The nurse also tells me that my health insurance
leaving the room he instructs me to get undressed 4Dr. Herbert: lt is almost won't pay for the $32 worth of vitamins. They
ceFtainly O fraudulent
and get under the towel. diagnosis to represent that don't cover vitamins, because they don't think they
Dr. Giller returns and the full exam begins. a heart condition would work; they're behind the times. They are tax-de-
away with
4 Holding on to my calf as if to steady himself, he °
supplements or disti." ductible, though. She then instructs me to avoid
looks at my shins and asks me if I have leg cramps. the no-no's. I make out a check to Dr. Gifler for
He feels my throat and abdomen, quietly making $332. As I leave I notice that the waiting room is
doctor's noises Hrnm. Uh-huh. I sit up and he filling up.
r listens to my heart with his stethoscope, first at the Back at the SPY office, I take two identical-look-
top of my rib cage, then, moving lower, through the 'Not all people with low ing brown capsules and a yellow onechromium,
blood sugar would have a
top of my right breast. d.ciency in chromium. magnesium, a multivitamin. I am prepared to feel
I He says my heartbeat sounds a little peculiar and You would have to be like a new woman, and jndeed I do. I feel gleeful,
decient in chromium for
thinks it best to have a technician do an EKG on the chromium to help you," almost giddy - I feel like cleaning up my desk and
spot. says Dr. Walter Mitts, scrubbing the tea stains out of my cup. Then I
director of the Bsltsville
The EKG finished, I am alone and half into my Human Nutrition alphabetize my junk mail and scratch the rust off my
trousers when the door opens and the doctor bounds Research Center of the scissors. I'm soaring, amiable, toe-tapping and no
U.S. Deportment of
in and sits down, which forces me to finish dressing Agnculture. Dr. Herbert: hungry in the least.
: ¡
front of him . "The level of lugar in the
blood must be tested first SECOND VISIT
Well, how's my heartbeat? I ask. to d.teine if o low.
He replies in a sobering tone, and I am a little blood-sugar condition A very tan woman returns to her place on the wait-
exists. And chromium pills ing-room sofa after filling out the preliminary pa-

taken aback. 'You seem to have an extra heartbeat,' are not the way to treat it
he explains. Are you ever aware when you hear after the test has been pers. No sooner has she given herself a Binaca blast
I' done."
your heart beating does it sound like bun,, burn,
. . .
than the nurse comes and takes her into the first
bw,i. BOOM! . You know what I mean? I think
. . chamber. "Oh no, not .fhot! the woman exclai,m
we should look into this. I have a friend, a very good with a thick German accent. I have bad brains foi
cardiologist. You should see hirn." He gives me a shots!

name to call. I manage to find some comfort in the I wait.

'Dr. Hither?: "There is no
fact that the doctor thinks my skittish heartbeat basis in reolity for After almost an hour I am escorted back to a
might be controlled by nothing more than a new prescribing vitamin pills small consultation room. When Dr. Giller appears.
for insomnia. And no basis
diet and vitamins.4 for prescribing them for he demonstrates a memory for detail. Did you gei
He goes on to explain that my supposed stomach any ofthose other your hair cut?" he asks. it looks good, really good.'
'mpt0m5 (dry skin,
ailments, headaches and occasional sluggishness in hyperactivity,
He swings into his chair and smiles at me. So ho
the late afternoon (to which he got me to admit) are hsadochssl. do you feeP" I say I feel all right but not great.

66 SPY MARCH 1989


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SPY 'Px') ti MAR(
Fad. or Fact Hypoglycemia,
different that all not "Its bran. oat Eat fruit. fresh really what is Stress answers. the recording shed
of author Bennion,
Eat chicken. and fish Eat times. regular at meals Lynn Dr. says sugar," just has nurses Giller's Dr. of one which to stions
regular Eat chocolate. fruit, dried honey, sweeteners, blood the measuring Ri's, same the of many me asks and eyes his rubs
sugarwithout blood low
sodas, tea, coffee, cream, ice sugar, no surprises: name fancy o is
which squiggles. spermatozoa-shaped with brimming
many too aren't There "no-no's." my lists then He -forhypoglycemia diagnose a and bucks white panes, blue with blazer dical
intelligently cannot "You
blood low that with you help will tailored a wears He dressed. nattily rather :tor,
times right the at food right the with stuffalong a for also, is He face. his on look p-last-night
other the and infection," against guard help will I-didn't-get-too-much- dazed. a and hair wn
vitamins the "Well, help: to supposed are they what curly with young, is He enters. healer the Finally
to vaguely only referring them, take to supposed
am I often how me telling bottle, each on names the intection.' to susceptible curative unfathomable with endowed being igher
less times 100 you make
me reading catcium and formula hypoglycemia not will dosage normal would one as tones, reverential hushed, in so do y
a selenium, E, vitamin C, vitamin multivitamin, the times 100 taking Gitter, Dr. of speak they \When charts. their on res
wet and infections fatigue, (imaginary) But concerned. is infection
moutha where vitamine by helped
more and more scribble and solemnly nod nurses
of case particular my for chosen he's megavitamins be wilt malnourished ore and saying, keep I right, quite feel don't just 1
who peopie that true be
of bottles six the over goes then Giller Dr. may lt Dwyer: "Professor mouth. wet xplicable
the morning, the in up get to inability the
FOR RACHEL, TO it: autographs and Makeover cal appe- of loss the tiredness, nagging the nproms:
Medi- of copy paperback a bag the from pulls down, hypothetical my about staff Giller's Dr. of rS
sits He other. the in bag red shiny a and hand one mem- three to spoken have I ofshampoo?). rbrazd
's eat? you
in chart my with returns Giller Dr. before stockings for reason no there's What lap? the from water drink you Do
and dress my into back slip to time have barely I deficiency, demonstrated food junk much (How questions 00 I least at swered
specific o is there unless
corridor. and about, talking he's questionnaires, two out filled have I snipped. ir
busy the into again goes lie off And now. dressed dosages phormacologicol my and collected urine my taken, blood my wing
are Those enough.
get can 'You knee. my patting says, he Okay, is nutrientsj these and forms out filling room, waiting Giller's Dr
shrug. vague a (for Allowance minutes 40 spent already have I and a.m., 9:00 s
Doily Recommended
with question the dismisses and smiles Gifler Dr. U.S. the people, most
ask. I badi" so that's do they do 'What "For Dwycr: 'Profcssor
. says. he patients'," Lppointment.
most as bad as half aren't habits Your another making without left and $50 òr
healthy.' "very me pronounces Gifler Dr. to check a out made I desk front the Ar
. .
and pokes few a after and, stomach my to haircut.
on moves then He anyway. checks he but muscles, your like I reiterated, he leave to up got he As ests.
treatment." ont
sore from suffer don't I that him tell I cramps. requiring disease no but food-allergy computerized my and sample hair ny
muscle for checking calves, my grabs and feet my Epstein'Barr, to antibody
the lias therefore and of results the about talk could we so weeks two n
to over straight walks he returns, he When towel. Epstein.Borr with infected appointment an schedule to needed I said He ested.
been has population the of
white small a tinder down lie and clothes my remove percent 20 Ove, ailmentsj. foods 02 I the of percent 28.4 to reaction' sensitive
ro me instructs Giller Dr. room the leaving Before of cause the Jas infections a had I eggs. to allergy possible a and yeast, rewer's
virus Epstein-Barr
described." claim often nutritionists and yeast baker's wheat, rye, lamb, beans. tinto
you those as symptoms same the of lot a got 'Exploitative Herbert: 'Dr. beans, kidney barley, almonds, to sensitivity ood
lt's right? it, about heard You've virus. a It's Barr. wdelayed for predisposition a had I out turned t
Epstein- for you test to going also I'm But hear: test. Sensitivities Food Bloodprint I lmmuno r)y
to long and fear both patients Giller's suspect I that -
including tests my of results the discussed We
news bad the news, bad the with me hits he Then eaten. haven't you when irregular
days.' these Syndrome Fatigue Chronic it call They don't.' is heartbeat your Maybe regular. is heartbeat your
diet. poor a and vitamins of lack stress, from comes you or allergy on hove you So eaten. you've that fact the and vitamins the to
Either terms. medical not
Tatigue diagnosis: his with continues Giller Dr. are "These Barrett: 'Dr. due part in be may it think I but crazy, sounds It
enthusiastically. say I did, I Yes, gone? is heartbeat extra my So
time. first the for hungry.' were you and hours 2 i in eaten
me on sharply focusing eyes his asks, he me? about ,, hadnr you because been just have may it think
L 'flu. mt abotn hear you did How 'p I wrong. anything find wont he friend father's your
answer. I No, ! visit go you when that think I think? I what know
heartbeat." one's alter my
book? my read ordinarily not would hours You says, He pulse. feels and forefinger and
\\t eis, Th''bc3o"e:s ._'cb \ s kwit. tst c takes he
he fatìgue, from suffering people of lot a get I medical underlying
an was thcrc un(ess fathers. my of friend a g:st,
questions. his ail ro answer I really, Nor altered be wou/dnot cardiolo- another see to intend J that mention I
rote heart A diagnosis.
stress? me cause marriage my Does out? checked it have to ment
fraudulent o likely
married? I
Am it? of lot a under I Am him. interests most is This Herbert: 'Dr. appoint- an schedule you did heart, your Hows
I ff'1IIffi14\' ' _
- '1q \
I I .S!Zi1á
from what youre already doing, he admits, but I SECOND VISIT
just want to stress those good eating habits.
1'm also going to recommend a B2 shot. Its a One week later I am back in Dr. Giller's waiting
vitamin shot that helps build you up. 1t11 build up room. Among the patients there is much talk of the
your immune system, prevent infection, give you B, shot, which, as it made me feel alternately woozy
some calcium and boost your energy. I take them and wound-up for an entire da) I have decided this
whenever I'm feeling run-down. When someone time to decline.
comes in with the flu, I don't give them an antibi- One well-dressed woman is trying to switch her
Dr. Giller explains. I give them one of these. "treatment and instead receive the B sho, which
We'll give you two a week for two weeks. You'll be she is officially scheduled to get later in the week.
feeling great. "Eve had an awfully difficult week," she pleads to
He shakes my hand, tells me he will see nie for the receptionist. My mother passed away, and I
another shot in two days and leaves me to wait for could really use the boost.
the nurse who will administer the $50-per-shot B. Another young woman, clad almost entirely in
When she arrives, the nurse lays me down and black, paces restlessly between the reception desk
opens a drawer under the table. She takes out a long 'Dr. Herbert: "Before and several differen waiting-room chairs. She is
getting o ehot like this, jockeying to get her shot before her consultation
tube with a small needle attached and a large sy- your B,, level would have
ringe filled with cherry-soda-colored lk1uid. to be measured. There ore instead of after. It is easily arranged. How many of
What's in ther&" I ask nervously. only two reasons to have these shots do I have to take before I feel like
these shots: (1) you hove o
0h, there's vitamin B2; vitamin C; vitamin B., diagnosed B,, deficiency; Wonder Woman" she asks.
(2) as o placebo." Dr. A lot," the receptionist answers.
which is like an antistress vitamin; some calcium; Meits: "The frequency of
and a little bit of bicarbonate to counter the acidity B,, deficiency in our I wait a solid hour before the nurse who took my
population is very rare." blood last time shows me into a consultation room
of the vitamin C. Dr. Barrett: "If o person
She pokes a new hole next to my blood-test can absorb vitomins, and starts rolling up my sleeve for a second jolt of
wound and empties the entire plunger into my vein. there's no reoson for an B,2. When I inform her that l've decided not to take
You may feel a little light-headed at first. Some any more shots, she looks surprised and leads me
people even say they can taste itlike a cherry into another room.
flavor in their mouth but I think that's because of "The doctor will be with you shortly,' she says.
the color or something, because I never taste any- In fact, it takes a good half hour for Dr. Giller to
thing when I take these. appear. When he does, it takes him another ten
She dims the lights, telling me I should just try to "Dr. Borroft: "You'rc not minutes to tell me that I look much better already
getting anything there
relax for a little while, and leaves me lying on the that you couldn't get in this despite the fact that I am suffering from a
table. one or two pills for a dirne powerful hangover and have not been taking any of
or so."
After a minute or two, I decide to get up and the vitamins he has prescribed. Dr. Giller says that
leave. i feel fine lying down, but a confusing fuzzi- my tests look good, that although the lab has not
ness comes over me when I stand up. In my stupor I yet run the Epstein-Barr test he asked for, he never-
run headlong into Dr. Giller in the hallway, where theless thinks the root of my problem may be left-
he has resumed shuttling between fatigue sufferers over traces of the mononucleosis virus I had seven
and the allergy-ridden. years earlier," and that thcyll have to draw more
Youll pee red, he booms loudly, putting his of my blood so that he can look at the Epstein-Barr
and on the back of my neck as we enter the waiting results. When I ask him about the jittery feeling I
oom. "The nurse told you that, right? ' had after the shot, he tells me he doesn't understand
Yes,' I say cuietly. 'Dr Herbert: "An this but not to worry, that the concentration of C
The receptionist who dispenses vitamins smiles enormous omount of and B1 sometimes accounts for a burst of energy"
certain vitamins will
d shakes her head with a that-crazy-doctor look change the color of the similar to the one I experienced.
n her face. urine. He gave her Later, as Fm leaving the building, the doorman
expensive urine. This is o
Pee ,d, she ducks, in mock disapproval of Dr. lucrative nutrition fraud." asks, "Feel better? For that kinda money, you better,
Gillers outburst. I reach for my checkbook and right? But h&s good. Lotta famous people go to
gin calculating the damage: $225 for the initial him."
isit, $37 for the blood work, $23 for the hair When I ask him who, he says, "Like Farrah
work, $50 for the shot and around $80 for the Fawcett and Ryan ONeal, they were here the other
itamins - approximately $4 I 5 just for starters. day. And Nipsey Russell. And another actor came in
The waiting room is now full. There is another on a Saturdayyou know, special-so he could go
oman at the counter, restocking her vitamin cabi- onstage."
et. Lets see, she says, 1 need some more bran, He scratched his head, concentrating hard on
you know, fiber pills. And then, some calcium. She what other names he could dredge up. "Oh, yeah.
'Professor Dwyer "The
looks over at my list of no-no's and nods her head chances are infinitesimal
Bianca Jagger comes here quite a bit. Shes nice. I
knowingly. She's been there. tfat this would be true." got her autograph.')

74WYMARCH 1989


il As with most legends, the details tiere may ha:e grown fy wit!ì th years.
M :&! BUt OflC thing remains crysta' cIea I)rambuie is tIì unique liqueur flavored with
wild heatherhoney and the finest ruait whiskies. So it has a taste thai people would
kill for. Drambuie. Scottish in Origill. distinctive in taste. unchanged since 1745.
--- Drambuie.The stuff legends are made of.
To send a gift of Drambuic anywhere iii t!i L S where 1ci.aj, call 1.sOO238-4:373.
People We Confuse With

Paintings and Sculpture,

Paintings and Sculpture

We Confuse With People

76 RY MARCH 1989
' Wtyøuy A M*soous yet here, undeniably. is multiulented
}r(ormanceshy Gaily Simon (b. 1945) ingerdaier drurnm,r-CuL,ist
Irey grew up in che Psris of the masterpiece Sammy Dcis Jr. tb. 1925).
tiercées. not che Riverdale of the fifties. Note the tenscon Picassu achieves
Otherwise. where could she possibly through the interplay between Daviss
have pued for Pablo Picasso ( I 88 I mutually exclusive orbs. Picassoesqur
1973? Mayb, Marthas VIneyard, draftsmanship is also apparent in the
except chat che diminutive artist. unlike sliding. colliding, disconcertingly
Carly. never played cherc On the other masklike (estures of Academy Awards
hand. Picasso nev« played Tahoe either. cutup Bette Davis (b. 1908)

Whe1ievcr we think of Samsny to us, the hellish canvases of cause Hockney has painted ally driving. of the young
DavLs Jr., which is oÑen. we H ieronvmous Bosch teem with him. And just because Sarah Grace Kelly, of Gary Cooper
think of the singer, the dancer, all manner of Roy Cohns Brightman describes ber hair as and High Noon and the melody
the entertainer. We think of (Ameriian, 1927-86). Prc-Raphaclite (toesilt cucan to Do Not Forsake Me,
Jerry and Frank and the big In every case, it isn't so we'll run a publicity shot of her which subsequently lodges it-
rooms in Vegas and Nixon and much that people look ex- next to a color plate of a self in our heads for the next
Linda Lovelace. We think of actly like those paintings. 1f that Rossen i two days as if on a maddening
Candy Man. And we think of were so, e would simply have No, what we've gathered internal ta[) loop. 'X'hen this
cubism. presented you with a series of here in this pioneering art-his- starts to happen, museums and
That's right. Cs.bism. cheap analogies: Frank Zappa tonca! monograph are not galleries l)C(t)ITIC dangerous,
And to be perfectly honest and Leon Redbone as Van look-alikes. Rather, the people strictly off-limits. As are, by the
about it, whenever we look at Dycks, Katharine Hepburn as in our gallery profoundly fieggest same tøken, any celebrity-
certain Picassos, we think of Nude Desending a Staitrase, the work of a certain painter or clogged venues. (When the two
Sammy. Buddy Holly and the Big Bop- sculptor or school. And we types of danger spots converge,
lt may l)(: an ünintcnded by- per as . . . well . . . a Jackson know this could be a little as at last fall's sale of French
product of an art-history lec- Pollock. (Did we mention that alarming to those who take lmprecsionists at Sotheby's, for-
lure that Rosamond Bernier some of the cheap analogies their art seriously vice versa. get itthat night we asked De-
gave years agoback in the would also have been in ques- How utterly remarkable that gas's Danseuses Russes for its
days whcn .... by, it was still rionabk taste?) And we could Diego VeIzquez, applying his autograph and carne very close
Hoving's Met. Whatever the have stretched things a bit to rich brush strokes in seven- n) bidding $3.2 milli(Ifl for
cause, we can't help seeing inClUde works of contemporary teenth-century Madrid, could Gayfryd Steinberg.)
great art everywhere we look. A architecture, so many of which have captured the essence, the In the pages ahead. suffer us
at the New York Daily
glance look like De Chiricos with tax very soul, of Herve Villechaize; our appreciation, and appreci-
Ntwi tells us that it is not Liz abatements (although Peter AI- and yet he has. Uncannily. their ate our suffering as we catalog
Smith writing the gossip col- len, it must Ie said, reminds LIS names are similar, too. the well-known late-twentieth-
umn hut a Willem de Kooning of certain Helmut Jahn build- Having such a peculiarly century people who look like
Unvas come ro heavily air- ings). On the other band. that trained eye is a curse as well as art and the art that looks like
brushed photographic life. aftnity is half deliberate on the a blessing. It's now impossible wel I known late-twentieth-cen-
Keith Richards (English, h. part of the architects (and pos- for us to look at a Brancusi with- tlIf'/ people. If nothing else, it
1942 goes on tour and we sibly even in Peter Allen's case). out thinking of a Grimaldi shOuld give you a whole new
link of the terrifying Expres- Similarly, Henry Geldzahler specifically, of Princess Stepha- appreciation for the surface dy-
onist faces of Egon Schiele seems to have leapt to life from nie and thcn, in rapid succes- namism and iconographic sub-
ustrian, 1890-1918). And a Hockney Paintins only be- sion, of whucher she was actu- tieties of Shelley Duvall.

MARCH $989 SPY 77

How ian it be thai such
glamorous. high-profile and
aIi'e! ukbÑies summon lorch
the oeuvre of so wdtschmcrzy
¿iui otnI,4rac1vcIy obscurc
an Exprcssonist as Egon
Schiele (1890-1918)?
Nouveau tncrlleuuat actress
Doryl Hannah (b. 1960) uses



J 'g

hcr atzcnusted. highly
d('.( rptive limbs. Sleeping-
wich -fashion-rcuxlels r(xk
musiusns Ric Ocosek
(probably vou:gcr Bill
Wyrnn) .snd Keith Richards

(b. 1943) are kit co use their

haggsrd Los Generation laces.
Oasck came by his &hicisms
genctita1l) while Richards
achicvd hi dsri,uh )C4I5 and
years of toc) muh lun. plus one
picture (hail! flail.' Rok n
Rnl/ wirh Chiil R,rrv

78 SPY MARCH 1989

f \,

Pumping and selling iron
that's just Oflr 01 che things
Umberto Boccio,d ( I RR2
I 9 1 CL che Italian Funirist, and
Arnold Schworzenegg.r (b.
1947). the Austriaci Reaganite.
have in common. Here's
£XQUS$ITI SoLmTY Although Steinberg remains Colomhia (oil on canvas. I 9NO) isrecemacurally red hair. another: although it was
ks no surprise hac Colombian tethered co his wifcs side in boasts a playful cameo overstuffed-rag-doll lace). And completed in 1913. Boccioni's
painter Fmndo Ioero Manhattan, and although appearance by Steinberg (there, there. finall. is Steinberg Unique Formt of Continuity so

b. 1932). vein-clotted Gabel doesni get out much. on the far teli (l(XS painting himsell. looking as though he's Spose, some scholars now
conglomeraceur Soul St.inb.rg colier. now char the Myerson Steinberg qualify Botero as a being squeezed out of the cup belirve. was conceived as a
b. 1939) and spooky matriciiJc trial is over. who can deny their landscapist?). And there's of a tUXedt)shaped oil-paint sculptural ixie to the dynamism
manqu& Suklw.,t Gabel influcnc on Boteros work. Gabel (note the virtually cube. No preo«upation wich of last Christmas's comeds' latí-
Cb. 1949 are contemporaries. and/or vice versai Daniing le expressionist gestures (orm here! riot. Tri'snj.

tr'VÎEL0OY 'I)

A. Sia DIDNT Evr NAM( Hti Critics who suspect that pop
NAQIANca Gtaica artist Roy Lichtenstss
There is no question chat (b. ¡923) comic-scrip characters
Paloma Pkosso (b. 1949) has tk)flt resemble living. breaching
an interesting provenance. And human beings any more closely
so ics disuicting that the than does your average Paul
twentieth-century painter she Klee will find all the proof they
evokes so insistently is noi her require in plastieman New
father. Pablo. the misogynist York Das/y Neu's publisher
Cubist. hut his second-drawer JimHog.(b. 1935) and
contemporary. Femand Léger plasriuwoman Vanna White
(1881-1955). Go figure. (b. 1957). Only the thought
AbJfra(! figure. bubbles are missing.

MARCH 1989 SPY 79


. e ,
,.ç-./,, o,


Woman and B:c)ck. you say' Thats no bicycle. thars Carol
Chonning. Only the wild brushstrokes uf Wilkm de Kooning
(b. I 904) could capturr so splendidly the exuberant vigor. not co
say syntactical icnbalance. of stich merr cackling ladies-about-town
as Cbanning (b. 192 I ). Liz Smith (b. circa 1928). Bubbl.'
Rothenn.ri (b. l934)and AiLsen 'Suzy Mihi. (b. 1924thats
AD.). And only De Koonings drawing, with cts haunting teeth-in-
a-windstorm effects. could do 1usticc to this group.


ThCrcS certainly a case co Once sec-n, the overripe,
made: that author-study-in- ,
grotewue faces painted by
black-and-white lama Jom.s Ensor (1860-1949)
Janovitz (b. 1956) has taken arc not forgotten: smiling
an Aubrey Isordaley (1872- hideous. they terrify even
98) drawing as one of her ... ,- as they would be Jolly. The
spiritual/aesthetic mentors. But ,_
Çe- same might be said about the
it takes two really grra: .
I eXpresSionist comedy (5f Jocki.
decorative artists tu bridc the Mason(b. 1931). the
gap between TIx Yellow Book ; .
expressionist eyeliner of Louis.
and Jack La Lanne television Nevalson ( 1900-88) and the
ads Beardsley (sinful. : .
exprcsit>nist ersatz-personality

decadent) and Ch.r (game. ofRonoldR.ogan(h. 1911).

untnhtbited). Forget about the ,, . ........ '.,. ",' ....

sort uf technical problems only gallery off Spring Street.

rime rrael (an solve: Cher Monut. Bol (b. 1962). by the
(b.1946) ts a walking. talking way. may pull down about
pen-and-ink drawing at cvrry $-1(x).000 a year from the
award ceremony she attends. Warriors. hut one piere from
and the influence of her levered the W'alking Man series
pOStBol) Mackie dressmakers brought $7.65 million at
(Xt Beardsleys illustrations of Christies in London last
Salome and 1.yststraca is November, a new auction
undeniable. Do we have to add retord for Aibsito
that an Osar ñgurcd (1901-66). the Bob Cousy o
prominently in both their figurative twentieth-century
esreers sculpture. Way to go. 'Beno!

Certain questions arise. Does
Linda Hunt (b. 1945) eat
potatocs Would Vjnc.nt van
Gogh (1853-90) have pacntcd
so many self-portraits if bed
known that a century later they
would end up kxking like
publicity stills for Platoon and
The Las: Temptation of Chns:
Meanwhile. contemporary
postimpressionism buffs debate

N the restoration of I.u,: for Ltfr,
with Wilism Dafo. (b. 1955)
as \ifl(eflt and Harvey Keitel
as Paul!

The ovoid faces and elongated
bodies of Amid.. Modigliani
( 1884 1920) enpoy a revival in
the form of actresscable
producer Sh&l.y DuyaIl (b.
1949), provmg chat rs but a
shortish kap ¡croas inedia -

A.Mp4G/RfptLUM1 WAws
and decades - from the state-
Ijictic of ßamsna (_on jrers.e
( I 9 I 6) to the statement of
toadway, &hmraday we an catch Lizo MJnn.Ui (h I 946) on !aeric Ta/c Th.a:rv (ongoing).
kh street and in scrip-mall bad-art stores a(n)ss the ountry ¿ny Promising pupils in the cehool
d time, ourtcs of Ainerxan ntastcr W.Ot.rK..m. (b. 1921). )t 1).ivall: drs:gner Corolyn.
:ache early Goldie Hown (b. 1945) on the nghc (ca. 1968)
3sgIvcIs' radiates hlak -velvet-painting bathos.
Rochm ( ne k :001 novelist
Joyce Carol Oat.s (eyes). IC4
Du'rcw UNCW
Its a pity Fron. Hola (ca
1)81-1666) worked in
Holland in the seventeenth
century matead of at Elauccs or
Spago on a Tuesday Get the
fiorid. gouty countenances of
hyperbolic publicist Bobby
Zor.m (b. 1936), hyperbolic
producer Bernie Brilln.ln
(b. 1931). hyperbolic actor
Ernest Borgnin. (b. 1917) and
ls:prbOIi omcdian Sam
Kinison (b. 1953) together in
one room. and you might as
well call ir Frani Hali Lit.'?
¿cd sell tickers.

Mon Is Mooee
The solds' rounded sculptures
of Haney Moora (1898-1986)
are well knovrn: Bss: F:gure
RecI:nsnj Worears Nial.; Brie:,
Woman; Fa:g:r/ With Pur,.'.
Whoa' :j,gjrJ W'i:h :' Look
again: sensuous outlines and contours,
yes hut nor bronzerubber. In
rIser worIs, fashion designer'
Dianne Brui (b. circa 1950).
¼, 'I' Also pictured hcte: actress
Toukie Smith (b. mid-
r-' twentieth .entury), a Robert De
Niro paramour impersonates ;i
Moore at Pier 92. where it is
, hopeci she will rcnsaili until
July, when she embarks on an
18-mouth tohacco-crmpat.y-
sponsored tour chat will see lscr
similarly placed in various

1 embassy gardens. university

quadrangles and meadows.

-" Two VGtw

W1\ Giotto, Duccio, Giulioni.

' 7___
Str..p . dcv000nal artis all:

chc hrst two (Tusan and

Simese shools, rcspecivc1y) ro
Gid and chc perpeuarion of
the Byzanrine cryie; the third
(NYU School of Law) co
Press Conference; and rhc
fourth (Yale School of Drama)
to clw Show-OfT-y Role. In che
work of chest four. one can
always depend on life. texture.
piety, impeccable renditions of
sundry World spce.h patterns,
and maior indictmenrc )

IAK(.H 9$') SPY SI

Men have a theory,
or so we've heard. It
goes like this: On any
given evening,
tries to pick up
if a guy

women, at least one of them will, in fact,

go to bed with him.Very few men,"I"'
however, are able to muster the sheer
fortitude and shamelessness necessary to
put this theory into practice, even if they
were SO inclined. Even fewer men can (or
would) flaunt membership in both the
DirectorsGuild ofAmerica and t
Harvard Club of New York in an
tempt to increase the odds in their fa
Fewer still can (and frequently do) b
about being pictured unflatteringly i
book of Helmut Newton photograph
a means ofestablishing credibility. A
only one man we know combines
these attributes into a single, very ins
tent, creative personality. His name
JamesToback. A simple catalog oft
titles of Toback's avowedly "persona
major motion pictures (some of whic
stayed in release for more than a week I d--
will shed light on this 44-year-old dire
siA Vord of Varning: This chart contains frank,
tor's unique single-mindedness : Tb explicit language, ncluding the phrase, uttered
Gambler (which he wrote but did no by a man, "Just touch my niIes and I'll come'
%I what follows is not for the squeamish.
direct), Fingers, Love and Money, Ex
posed, The Pick-Up Artist and The Bi 1'''

Bang (this latest, not-yet-released major

motion picture was inspired, he says, by
his charming belief that Creation was
the residual ejaculate of a divine or-
gasrn).Even before he became a some- pI,otogrOP by S°'°

what visible tax write-off for friend and

producer Warren Beatty, Toback had
captured a portion of the public's atten-
iion by writing a book (Jim, published in


2 SPY MARCH 1989
interested in gambling with
I w3$walking down che street and he
pulled up alongside me and said, Lis-
i-;Expojd, starring
about and then started in with
Th Pick- Up A nid
Nastassia K,nski, using it to the hilt.
him but were inrriucd by the MovSsD3rctop I'm a film dir.ctoq
and I've

journalistic possibilities oí a r,aind, Cu:iorp

fnichcd making a film When I 'ouldn't stop, he said. 'Jesus, you're really stapkìous.
Septe*'.kr ¡985
polygraph exam conccrnin the called The Pith-Up ,trt:jt. , . By now. Id said much more ObSCCOC things to Nasaaiiø
subsancc of this article, we Kinsici, and now we're best (ricnds. You know who sh is, donc

agreed to ser up such a rest for Folluwing me for two blocks up you? I ,fl4dc hr. Heve you he,crd of 'Ibe Pick-Up ArlijI? T)
Brudwv. he kein saying, }cLIse my film. Here. let mc show you ray Directo GId o America
him alone with a polygrapher w,,.,
me, I1k'Se' This may sovnd sh'ange. card. . And hores rn driver's cense. lt ou donc believe
ot our choosing. \'hen Sched- Br.adwa and 69,1, I

Snwt but I'm a muyie dirccio,. and I really I me. gi o) Rames Nuble ard look up plac 88 in Por:ra::j by
uling the test and meeting ,Mtr'4 ¡987 WflC to talk to you lar a second. . , . Helmut Newton and yxi'II see me with Naetasiia. .
Toback's many demands
proved difficult, he rnad such ALEXIA
He walked past mc on che subway, 'l'knw you don't believe me' hc calci and then pulled his
stopped arid then sac down cpposite mc driver's license and Directors Guild cord right out Hr oId
remarks as .1 hope OU know Auction Hous.
and stared. 'You're going to think this is me, I'm rrsponsíbk for Nastosaic Xinski's fame.'
what you're doing when you Employ,,
IRT No. I ir:e crazy, but I'm o director and have co use I

luck with mc. He wcnt on, &rMI,, ¿988 )'nhi n rI)V flex: movie.'

grimly, If you print this piece, He showed me his driver's lkcsise and his Di,.ct.n Guild
: promise it will l)e the single This guy camt up from behind me and card He said he was on his way to Gamblers Anonymous.
said. .1 really like your salk. I think He also said he'd gone to Harvard and that he'd been
:hing you regret most in your I'

Third Areke re really pretty. and I'd Ike to use married ti) OflC ofthe richest women in the world 'i've
life. When pressed for details, did l2edStrvr: YU in a novie I'm making.' been a millionaire and a pauper,' he said. He also mid inc
he said, Think of your very %14) 1988 to see E.xpoied that night.
very worst nightmare. [Dra-
matic pause.) It//be worse than He came running down the suces behind ffFcred to show cnr his Directors Guild Card and said
me and said, 'Youre so beautiful, want he'd just lnished making Thr Pick-tip Aro::. He gave mea
¡bat.' When we objected to tlA1P'lE
PuMiciil you to be in a moste. I know this sounds

list of bu moies and cold mr ro ccc them ail, espedallv

niese threats, Toback became Woe rd Sirve:. 1_A,
tidiculous, but I or, a producer.' Exposed. He said he bac directed and known Nastosuia
flustered. "I didn't threaten Jasuar 1988 ___________

you. Those were just Iorecasrs,

r; theweirdest thingthac ever happened to me.
Kinsici in more chan a professional sense.

lie was staring at nie as i was going up in she


he said, You're into slander. He said. tired su dsangc my suede coat;

DAN(U1 elevator. Then I saw him again in che same elevator
(orne U to my apanment and we can talk.
l'tn into astrology.' Editor wo hours laser. He said, Exuisc toc, van talk co I
want to tell you about soy iic project. You

Te4ad s Upper Wtit

Atrer satisfying Tohack's you. lt's an omen we're in the same clevacor again.
sue aaild,eg can stand outside thought, W'd/, all right.

Mv name is James Toback. just made The Piek-U

dirions, we agreed on a rime ° r,,"vty' ¡98'

Anus. I'm o director.' He followed me out into the

Wc went hack ip in thc tIcvator. Hv coki
and a place for the polygraph L stt. -I w going to talk co you. I was tbinking
stories about Nostosslo Kinaki and said he
a psycho. Hc showed ow jxaers for
tOSt. Toback stood us up, and CLLs. l about ou in che shoer that should have talked to I
Expord and abook by Helmut Nrwto that
spy 's editors have had no fur- Fosh,on Editor
m things aren't accidents.'
havI a photo ofhim and Nastassia.
ther contact with hm except
.. _1,.d .1,,-,,,

nd Fifth A,'qeue man in a long black leather trench coat started __________
for a phone call and two letters \.i-,mi,, !987 following alongside mc with a barrage olcompli- He rulled 5)111 olI these cords and insinuated
from his lawyer. One letter in- - -J taunts like 'I can't believe how great you look I thestI wa his iw' t Nostasiia Kinski.
dicated that after reneging on don't know if you know nie, but Im o director.
his agreement to take the poiy- I
Edito, I
F.xcuse me,I'mafllnidirector Plvase I
akr my card. made I ii him uslied Fxpoíed with
graph test we had arranged, I
Ba/dawi I stop. . Really am
I Noitsiio Klnski.'
May 1986
Toback went to his own poly- I I

graphcr and passed a lie detec-

Wv inri through friends over drinks at Hr braed about how hr made Nostossia Kinski
cor test based on a rough draft of um the Harvard Club- He immediately
questions we had sent h:m. Modd started saying how easy it was (ix him to
Since we have no way of assess- 1/ii Hjrijrd CIsb
sleep with women.
April ¡984
ing the circumstances , panico-
lars or results of this seret test,
,James Toback, the film dïrec- FHC was ,arryisig a wholcportf'olio o(clips about himself,
WC: cant consider it meaningful KAY
(let alone persuasive) informa- Ito, tor. I know you don't believe ma, but which he started so show offwhile rattling offthe names of
. .

I'm a well-known hIm director

Seo,I Aivear ail his films.
non. Finally, in an chott to get a,sd 5 eh 51w,:
Tobacks side of things, we Scpivrsr ¡986
asked to interview him again. -

He has been unwilling. started chastngme down che You've seen The Pi'k-Up Ari::!; you've seen ExpìieJ.
a raincoat,
hr wa,s 'dishcv cled, in you've seen - .' Actually. I hadn't heard of any of them;
Earlier, when asked to corn- Dunce, I

and virrying a Monet prhir. lknow this


but he went on. .1 know you chink I'm Chart's Mansoss.

Dent on his evidently abundant L,M.w' Cv,:,,
,Nwey Jtdiiirn
sounds crazy, but I'm u big director.' but trust cnr, this us how I discovered Nsstuuia Kinski
persa! magnetism, Tohak
had told spy that his ongoing
search fon future cast members
(S'104k, 1987

guy with an unbuttoned shirt 'I lived with Nastassia Kinski, yoscan scv oui pkcurc"]
reached for mv forearm at che peach stand together (55 jlte 88 of Helmut Newton's new book.' He
entails approaching a great nom- Writs, at Fairway: 'I know this sounds ridicu- showed me his DGA card and his drivers license. He told
Fairway Market, Broad' bus, but 'm o producer and I'm making me about Thi' Pick-Up Arid: and that Finger; had been
ber of'mcn as well as women, For say ael 74th Street movie and youd be perfect for it.' I singled out by Truffaut as one of the best American filins.
the record, though, Toback 4aguit ¡988 told him co leave tee alone. He alco told me about being married to a British heiress.
boasted to in:ervieu' magazine
AJ'tc' pho::ng !" PY ,rd,i.r ha:'iisg What dc you say to a stranger yoi want co be c
recently, 1ve been very lucky JAMES TORACKI
told abou: ,r(fi/v: films You say. 'HI, I'm Jim TObOCk, Irr o movie direct.,.''
with womeneven. il' )oull WITH SPY

What I'd Iikr it, vio is get together whh (Atkrcl about Nastassia Kinsiu, Tobad, insisted, 'She scru'
Iorive mc, I would say blessed. '.5 ihr n'Ivphort you and .Iiscuss chis pulously CI)t herself at arco" length froto inc. t
We don't think blessed is píe- Novmber tyHti

cisely the word we'd use. 5not their r.aI names

Youre the moie .1 want to give you my telephone nun,
beaut4uI girl Ivc bir. I said, Forget It I to flevur giiig co
- ever sn . use it, because Im a film director. coo.

You have sudi a 1 want to talk to you about a docum.ntary Now, don't give me your phone number. J left a m.uag. on his home answering machine,
powerful b.auty. . . ffiml'm making involving five women and a Here, take mine, and after you've and within 30 minutes he called back from thc
man. I want ro show how interesting the real checked me out and crust chat I am who I street. Can you mast ini at my place at 10:30 ' ''
lives of women are. say I am, then you can call mi. . . . tomght2 I said, Those are strange office hours.
That's how I work. I said, No thanks.

I can't take my eyes off l-le wrote his nunther on a piece of news- I kit a m.ssag. on his machine that I wasn't
you You havc a ver)'
paper. Promise you'll coil ms, he said. interested.
commanding stride. . . and .1 know you're suspicious. but after
you check roc out. give mc a call. He kep
saying over and over. Check me out. __________________________
He saId he was making a movie about I left several messages. and when I rcahcd him, he
walking. I told him I wasn't an actress. l-le wrote his number on a piece of put mc on hold for I 5 mtnuc. It took me severai calls
He said that didn't matter, it was going to newspaper. lt was a studio number before wc IRX)kcd up; he always seemed to he caring
be a 'natural film. and that it wasn't for Tix P:k-L Artist. He caid. into the phone. I kept asking. this loe rcal He said,
about acting hut would start production Call me, after )'(>U'Ve Seen You have to uU me. I told him to call me
F N i
soon. Exposed. if he was interested. He didn't.

He made very clear chat he was work-

i I called him three days later from L.A. and he waa
ing on a project that he had directed, at a poseproduction facility. 1'm so glad you ca1led
written and produced. He said the movie I didn't think you would. He said he'd have to cd
would be true to Lifesomething about me back when he 3t back to LA, on a certain
his story date. He didn't.

Youve got chis vibrancy 'Im making a ne experimental movie Wc left his apartment. .l think tItis He called the ncxt day. Can you come to my
You have this energy em- with five unknown people and Mike would be re-ally cool. Think about it. apartment at ten at night My mom said no way. I
anacing from you. I felt it Tyson. Im putting people in a room to Cd m.. wanted to mccc at a restaurant for coffee. He said,
In the elevator. sec how the)' interact and I need three Okay, I'll call you bak. He called once. I
more women. returned his call. He never called me hack.

. You re so unusual. He didn't mention a project. but he did

ask mc out tu lunch.

When I called, a sc':rccar}' gave trie a number at a

production ofike, He didn't seem to remember who
He gave me his card and told me to call. I was, but he said, 'L.t's meet later at the Harvard
aie. I said, 'How about next week!' Bot he was
re-ally forceful and said it had to be that night.

GWIN A friend gave me his number

____________________________________ - ______________________________- Production told me to call him because I was
Your i*n .y.s! He wanted co discuss a semidocum.ntary Assistant looking for a job in produchon.
abotit five different women. lic said hr ° Hanjrd Club
wanted to elevate the female race in the Outòbr ¡98'


He wantedme co re-ad for a part in The Hcrc's my number at Fox I want you to t called Fox. he took my call right away
Pith-Up Arti:!, read with Rober DowneyJr. When con you come up' I said I'd come b)' at

.1 couLdn't help 'Itold him I was a dancer and hc said that I told him I was in a hurry and gave him He called me at I 2:30 that night and wasn't íaed
sour presence and your he was just looking for a dancer in this my number. or actually my boyfriend's at ail when my boyfriend answered. Con you come
star quaîity. projed involving five women. He said I'd number. ov now? No way, I said, and told him he could
be perfect for it. meet me for lunch in a public pLace ilhe wanted to
caik about a film project.
Your eyes! You're so He said the him was a new kind of film He left me his number on a comer of the I ran into him at a party'. He said he hod to s.. me
provocativ.. You know about astrology and the creation of ehe Sunday T:rne and told me to col aftrt the next day and that I should call. I left a msuoe
that, don't you' universe. There would be interviews with I'd seen Exposd. He was with a woman on his machine and he called about I 5 minutes
people talking about real experiences. He that he'd left waiting with a bag of gro- later to make a date for that night at the Harvard
said it didn't matter that I wasn't an certes; she was obviously getting Club. co discuss the filin he was making.
actress. impatient.

Ans' one individual I 'I lead as work-oriented a life as anyone I know. I am [Ocer tuo dayi. Tobak le/i fFit'e phone me.oagvi carve proie/s!I) left b) src.J
would approach [in a completely and totally and wholeheartedly uninterested in ui'oi phenr merrages at
manner) according to meeting anyone ¿r thin poin in my life who does not suggest the' s'i' officvt.!

who that person is. some cinematic capacir)' male or female, >'nung or oId.




We walked (lOwn thC street and he kd me to lt wasn't two minutes before be was He told me how he'd first had sex atavesy early age.
thy Harvard Club. He ¿sked for his mail talking about sex. i think he started maybe 12. when he hooked up wich an older composer.
before we sat down. by asking me, Do you like to fuck Toward the end ol lunch he said he found me incredibly
attractive. There are rooms here. W. could go upstairs.
I said I'd already taken a long enough lunch.

I mcc hun in the lobby of the Horvsrd Club; He didnt v.asce any time getting disgusting. Ile said. 'i have this physical need. I have to
hc looked disheveled. We went co the bit, maybe IO or I S miaules. 'I (eel like we're ci)me 15 t. 20 times o dey Even my therapist
where hr stirted jamming gobs of nuts in his old losers. I t'ed like l'vt' already ted sex says I have to have frequent ses.' I stood up and
mouth. I-Ic didn't ask me anything about with you many rimes. that we have this spe- denundesi. De ,.a reIste (t'er)thtitg :. ,ex? He
mysell and told mc a lot about his cazecr in cial sexual rapport siitl Yes
the movies.

He said he was staying at the Horvord Club and we He jumped right in when I got to He wanted co know how many msn I'd made love
wcrc supposed to mccc at I :00 p.m. He left a note his room. And he kept getting alls to. I said, 'That has nothing to do with my ability
saying he woutdnt be bak until 6:00, and when t (rom women and lse'd say, No. I to be an assistant on a film.' Later he called and
showed up again, he said that we iouldnt have a can't tuck you again coni1ht.' said hr had to explore my sexuality, that i needed a
drink in the lobby because I was wearing jeans, so teacher and that he would teach mc. liwn he went
we wcnt up to his room, on to say he had a large penis and asked mc how
much pubic hair I had.

We were all drinking and taiking openly When I told him t was probably more inter- No one was sacred: he bragged about sex with
about sex. He gave his entire sexual history ested in other women than men. that only everyone. and then he claimed that even a sevsn-
and then said we should all go up to his room made him more interested. ysor-old was after him.
at the Harvard Club

When I got to his office at Fox, he told me all He started in with the gross stufi' fairly He told mc that when he wanted to be a concert
about his career anti his credits as a director. cuickl) 1'm a freak. Do you know what a pianist as a kid. he slept with a lot of people in
He kept picking up the phone and calling his freak is? lt's someone who is totally into sex. the music boxiness. That was when hi was 14.
bookie to place huge bets. He was abo get- Are you a freak. tood' When he said h.
ting calls from women. and he'd say. Oka wanted to tuck m, I told him I martied.
honey. meet me at the Hoa Club at X He said, Let me call your husband.' I gave
time.' him the number, hut he backed off.

We mec at an Upper West Side health food restaurant. lie was I

He made inc some pasta. put You don't love your boyfriend.' he said. 'You're
really interesting at first. We talked about film and philosophy on the films and left to do er- so much nsore sensuous. I cats idi you masturbate
He was fascinated Isv mv midwestern peu. Toward the end of rands. The movies were pretty three or four times o d.y.' He said he has to
lunch it started getting weird. but it couldn't have been too bad bad. When he came beck. he OItiC 14 timsa a doy and that he stops 100
yet hecause when lie said. 1.isten. l've got cassettes of my hIrns sat on the couch and started women a week. Actually. he did smell like dried
right here. lets go to my place its jsist across the street and talking. but using words like cOme.
you can ser them lot yourself.' I alkd my boyfriend and told ajs,. iNCl and dick.
hïm exactly where I would be for the next two
hours. and I Vent. I Li ,I1
i-iv uiu l.I.
.;:::-::__ _
We met outside the Harv.rdlubar 10:00 unlock your sensuality. You havent come to He said. '1 have approached 1,000 women. No,
p.m. lot dinner, but it was closed, so we went terms with your erotic side. Youre a caidron it's more like 500. I've used 50 in my films'
to the Algonquin. o(complexity. With you. I would deny you
three cimes belote I hod sex with you. I'd
play with you. I'd come but I wouldn't enter
you. lt has to be an obsession, and I would
guess you've never really needed it before.
have you? I would never enter a woman
without her needing me.'

I Prv/cmng to ta/k rn thi. t#Ii'phnc. sty didn't What l've sought to do s test people with a 'The number of people I approach (>ii ihr street
takt Tobai'k aft on hit offer to notet. J boul and aggressive approach. b«ause . . the (about possible roles in movies) is about 65/35.
easiest way cou an tel I it someone is going ti)
t male 'female not necessarily of any panicular
be lcxist in Iront of a causera s usi to av t age The ratto of peuple I talk to in pc'hhi ti)
0lit. lust 1it it ail on the- rahk. without P(°t'1 I use n my movies is about 1 to 100.
sugaroating, as boldly a possible.' which n about che saine as other directors, I
would say.'

-t Iik to live on che edgc. h; said, ido

d.n,.r.Ias things I k rhn winc on ti,
cell «ir .Lb(,(It tcding violent tirn hi w
jctIotts ovcr sotneo:ic hc.iittig on him

He alsogoc a call about gambling I-k He said to do chis film we would have
toki me b. thought he hod it in him to to live together to get to know each
kill aomeone, t wool] just be a other. I said. No thanks.

He tracked me down in Kyotojapan. where I was modeling. He wanted to fly

me to his hotel in Santa Monica. I told hm j wasnt as weird as on the hrst time
we met at che Harvard Club. I alio said Id been hulumk. He s.aid. You're

wonderful. however you arc! I thought it might be my big break, but first j
telegrammed the friend wed had drïnks with. asking if hr thought Tobak
would cxpeit mc to have sex if I did go to Santa Monica. He wrote right back

1ople kep coming tnto the othce while we were talking. To one guy he said.
He claimed that his ass was on the line Thts is Kas; sites considering fucktng me right now. She hasnt lucked
with this project and that the mob was on anybody hut her husband in seven years. but she's really tempted to luck mc.

killed to get movies

EIUdC fl the past.
his tail. He even tri.d to .t m. to be-
hive that he could hove hod piopi.

I told him he was scaring me with the dirty talk. so he

changed the subject for a while hut always worked back
All these women were constantly calling. After one call he said. I cant believe
that as h& I was walking down Central Park West and this woman came out
of the hushes and said. Come over here. I really want to luck you. She just
dragged me into the bushes. So we lucked. and it was really great. And that was
just hcr! He gave me a safe-sex rap too: he said he gets every girl teated before
around by dcmwiding, Whv dont you trust ms? This is hell have sex with them. He said, Just touch my nippks ond ru conis. I

-_ for the hIm. Yotill have to use these words in the movie.
What du voti want ¡nr to say for purs' usen hr went on.
.1 low often do you masturbate' Do you enjoy sex during
your peried Ile wanted me to take offrny shoes su jie
decided to leave; he said he still wanted me ro read with Robert Downey Jr.

He was cal:ng it* late at night (tir a while to teli tic aU .ihout his exrlo,1s
bovtrivtd iit sick uf the calls. I blew liiiii eifil jlir ncx time he called, he
utuld massage my feet because he knew dancers like that. .4tçI }W hail people over and I h,ujj ¿Uni oser t, lits bous,- j went and iIi.-
No was. I said. .1 cant work with people who arc ¿(raid phdnc LCX ringing and iuha.k making all these dates or kcr iii liii?
of rue! l.istcn. j tiave an idea. Stnd up. Conte over here and rvviiiiig And the doorbell was ritigiti He avoided those Whets I
touch my ni$.s (.omc on. just touch them. Thin M ktl with ihr others. .inoth« omati. tri a 'oi unsin swr.iNhirt. Was eu lirt
come and you ati trust me. because youll see rhat tha(s it,. The laM time hr alIcd it .tt :110 a in I lis dxrhcll rang while wert
¿jI I iiccd to be really turned osi. YOLi dont have lu tIti
talking. He weilt ici get it anti I heard a girls volti. I heard Ittin sa Jutit get
anything morc' Coke and s en the couth Sit on tite &s,tiih' I winced ws knew ilh liad a girL..
1 like to constantly surpri myscjf, I go ro He said. ï rejuire complet. TIiC and ht ws slit duing there M I (io ii lie just said she was titis sv
sleep at 4:00 am. anti Im fascinated with the trust and a jump of faith I can Itttk itig frrnn the hrnnx. I got really mail I Ir catil, Arc y.0 still g.uig r
2:00 am, ireaturcs. he said. He talked about e endlessly working with you. be up in 4- minutes' Let me ¡ust fvdi thIs i,I end Ill cil yv beck I
living with Nostouio Kinaki. and how he tried but I would need to know you not to bother.
co live beyond conventions and without domes- like no one else has ever known --_______________________ - -
Ilcity in his life. Whet, he asked me il I consid- you. And you would have to l would bring you to the point where you need me so badly you wM put
cred myselfan artist. that somehow led to him truetme more than you have gsmtoyourhd.
saying that whether he has killed 40 everpeople
trusted anyone.
none. hv knows h. hoe o kilkrs instinct.

1 will du ani' j can tu get iht iSSt .1 immediately weed out people 'ies.I run rito mt shirt people aho are noi inreerired n working Hut I

j netl. where therv will bC any offense isave never talked to anyone where I haven t been upen md hitneat and dire«
or indignation, any hasrter to
being open. j m incereseed in
who has good stones ro cell. the
wikirar pt.rson in his sexual
197 1 by a major publishing
house) about the orgies in
which he had participated while
hanging out at alleged girl-
friend beaterfootball legend
J im Browns house. The most

u ,%I ti salient piece of artistic advice

Beatty is said to have given
Toback is to always include one
small part for a pretty young
actress in every motion pic-
turc - and to schedule auditions
for that part late in (he day.
Out in (he field, Toback can
frequently be spotted casting
future major motion pictures in
the Fairway Market at Broad-
way and 74th Street, whiling
away entire afternoons impor-
::i: TL NV
tuning females as they shop for
fresh fruits and cheeses. And no
aP ,o oe doubt he enjoys satisfyingly in-
p 30 -

Forp4 timate relations with at least I
Bevlc. 170! 02
1x1 O
ae ,,
'.r.q. LVflCN
Qitii Roo. Dinn,,.
la 11 L30 f 02 percent of them. Unfortu-
T 03 40i 02 nately, the dictates of scientific
Od o e ,. lvsrag, D1n,, ¡300
4Q3 1479
.-., 04
20* 4 responsibility require us to say
Ort 0.14
37 2.7: 2I no doubt because, hard as we
m,. I0O Ooi 4068
_. 604 043 647
tried, we were unable to inter-
201 Q, view exactly ¡00 of Tobacks
06 215
t5 4.64 pickupees. We did speak at
loo oo. 065 some length with 1 3 of them,
24 73 7395 though, each of
r :19
42. 33
spent a minimum of five mm-
utes in his presence, some of
Caint i,
o,.,, ,,,. b*aIt. on a 'gu1mr W*r1,,
them hours moreand all of
Ith, whom had lots and lots to
,, t. share with us. Many, we can
reveal here, were offered parts
- how novel! - in major motion
pictures to be directed by
J ames Toback.
Toback offered us no movie
roles. Instead, after responding
cooperatively to some very gen-
eral questions concerning this
article (see bottom line of
- foldout chart), he became agi-
tated. .1 am going to be dan-
gerous - I dont care what the
consequences are, he told an
editor, adding unnecessarily, I
am not a normal human be-
ing. Toback then offered a
sUggestion: -I would like [the
writer of this article) to PUt up
all of her money, and I'll put
up ten times that much, and
then have each of us take a lie
deeaor test. I ivi/I make a bei
of an)' amount that I UI/I pass
the lie detector test. After as-


MARCH 1989 SPY 84
E: u c F

"This movies been playing inside my head my whole life, " says Kanter recalls meeting Tobock in 1987 at a party thrown by
James Toback, standing beside a rented plant, wearing a floor- Mario Cuomo at Club El Morocco. "I'm married for 35 years and
length black leather overcoat. "Nobody's ever made a film like I'm accustomed to seeing the eleven o'clock news and going to
this before." He takes a long pull of Diet Coke. "See, I have this sleep at 1 1:30. But Jim and I started talking at a quarter to flirte
theory about Creationthat Creation is God's orgasm and that and we didn't leave each other" Kanter pauses to let the sig-
the universe is His come spurting out into time and space." nificance of this sink in " until 3: 15 in the morning."
Last summer, thanks to the At the end of this late-night
intervention of a financial an- session, Kanter continues,
gel named Joe Kanter, Toback
WILL THE REALJAMES TOBACK "Jim says, 'Joe, you're just the
had six days and an empty, PLEASE PIPE DOWN? guy I'm looking for. You're the
newly built $2.8 million house guy that's going to make this
in Tenafly, New Jersey, to bring Comparing big talkerdirector James Toback with James Tobacks movie with me.'
to life his own creation, a doc- idealized version oíJamesToback (Robert DowneyJr.) in his 1987 film,
Haunted by his encounter
The Pick-Up Artist, gives us a special insight into how he sees himself.
umentary called The Big Bang.
Or how he wants us to see him. Or how he wants credulous video- with Toback, Kanter couldn't
He assembled, among others, renting women to see him. sleep. "And I use the word
a nun, an Auschwitz survivor, haunt because Jim used
a basketball star, a Shearson he says, eyes full of admira-
Lehman Hutton executive, a tion. "Jim said this was a new
New Yorker writer and an as- type of film that had no prece-
NAME James Tohak Jack Jerich'
tronomer and filmed them an- AGE, WEIGHT, DE- 44, about 200, balding 2!. about 140, full head of hair
swering his questions about (JREEFBALDN cent or it could be so fantastic,
OBVIOUS VIR11JES I not shy Teaches graik ghool, 'ares (oc his
sex and the cosmos (What do ms-a1iJgrandmnchee,savcsagirl's it would make a great deal of
Iativ:t (torn inobsctis
you think about when you XEMPLARYPICKUP Im Hasanyonecvertokiy'ouyouhas'e money. But more important, it
masturbate? Is orgasm your LINE director. Pk.c the(.isco1.Boctxelliandthebody
RvaIIy, I am.

ot a Degas' could really be a role model for

most satisfying state of con- AMBLINGHABITS FrvsiucntsOTh , use sa Sa»hesiiutagambIebutcir- what film could do in the way
h(x)kie atnds Gan hkes Qlmstan«s him to win Sys.00()
sciousness? Where is God?). AHOI)ThOUS W .0Cc t arlicr at roulette by betting all his money of art.
mc VhC, Ofl One spin of Che wheel
He plans to intercut this foot-
. . .

My life s richer and more

. Li

age with a violin soloist who UNSAVORY Claims co have' b«n Shoursdownmobscersinaowikd meaningful because of Jim
ASSoCIATIONS chrcatt-ncd by t) Sc 05 ob Aclanuc City easno and hies
played the White House and a FINANCIALSTAThS pay his Hie yard Doesncpayhisrcntncimc Toback," Kanter continues.
Club bill 'so Chishe
12-man breakdance group. ISCONSIDF.RED Young. 51,

His landlord; thr neighborhood

Indeed his 6 hours and 30
"Who but Jim would have CHARMINGBY a«)ulouswnm s) grngroceecheiopswhoaIways minutes with Toback, he says,
caish him making out with women
thought of that?" Kanter, the inhsscar;theowner,stthelocal brought him to a deeper level
diner; his grade hooI pupib; a mug
financial angel, says in his gcratConcylslandandcveiywom- of intimacy than he'd ever
an In the hIm but onc. who musc be
sunny southern accent. "Mix-

alesboorsomerhing reached with most of his old

ing Bach with breakdancers" friends. "This was not small
Watching the shoot, Kanter, 65, glows with the radiance of talk. He asked questions about the cosmos and life and death
the rich. Chairman of the board of the Bank of Florida, he and sexmeaningful questions that we all want to ask but
cofinanced Ironwecdand is Toback's business partner in The Big don't have the guts."
Bang. Sometimes he naps on the rented bed in the production He sprities some breath spray into his mouth. "Some of these
office, sometimes he jogs around Tenafly in the running clothes sex questions I haven't even talked about to my wife, " he ad-
he always carries with him. But what Kanter likes best is being mits. "But if one person comes away from this movie and learns
on the set, collaborating with a genius his genius. to communicate, if the world out there that copies America's
Kanter is amazed by almost everything Toback does, so much hamburgers and jeans and music, if they start communicating
so that when he was unable to recruit investors with his own the heads of Africa and Egypt!-then life could imitate art!"
enthusiasm for the film, he put up half the budget himself. He pauses at the enormity of this thought and then adds, "Well,
Toback, also using his own funds, provided the other half. everything has to start somewhere, doesn't it?"
Sitting in the foodless kitchen, dressed in a blue work shirt - Jomie Diamond
("bought on Rodeo Drive") and a silk jacket ("made in Italy"), The Big Bang has no scheduled release date.

8 SPY MARCH 198')

¿ ¿ /jit % I fO[ ' ,)7r1 J

¿)ri 4e /2_t ,Cr1 4 ç,', ç v4 ' jus n j ¿;.( pi j i e -i (i. U J i k t'td fii cl-i ? ¡rn«,p-z
ForgtIt de!ieryofLa Grande Passion anywtwe. call 1.SQO-CHEERUP i exceo where prohbted by w Produc o ace 8 poo. * 1988 Caron Imporws. Ltd.. Teaneck, Ñ.J.
r z
Hazardous moterial is Ci ¿ FILL From 1963 to
defined by the Tribor- 1979 this spot was used by 14 mo-
ough Bridge and Tunnel Or corporations to illegolly dump
toxic wcstet that may now be leak-
Authority as 'any ex- ing into Long Island Sound and
plosive or flammable liq- Easrchester Boy. Residents of
uid . . . combustible liq- nearby communities believe thot
uid, fiommable solid, os o result they arc disproportion'
corrolive material, non- atcly afflicted with Hodgkin's dii'
flammable compressed ease and other kinds of cancer, and
that their child,en are unusuallt
gas which is poison- prone to autïsm.
ous. . . radioactivemate-
rial, or any other poison- 9 LOWER BAY BE-
4f RADIAC RESEARCH switched roles: o block-long trail of moved 1,700 truckloads of PCB- is ruined. Surprisingly, Mobil PR :'::
0Li5 substance.' 11 TWEEN BREEZY POINT
E 1
CORPORATION, WIL- hundrcds of nccdlcs, scalpels, contaminated soil from the site man Mark Cohen disagrees: "It's
LIAMSBURG The Supermon-ihIy bloody gauze pads, blood-filled without o permit not true." thousand yardi from the Rocko'
standing in it. named Rodioc ii o itorøg +ociIut. tubes and vials, and on issue of ways, Coney Island ar.d South
New York's tap-water mostly for lob chemicals OEnd Iow Modern Heofthcarc addressed to FEATURE ENTER- .. Il 63RD STREET-EAST Beach is the Army Corps of Engi.

level radioactive waite owoiting on cdministrator at St. Luke's- I PRISES, 130 WEST :.: j RIVER SUBWAY TUN.
and smog ratings may ¿rj neers' proposed dump site for
be acceptable, but in and shipment to dispooI sites else- Roosevelt Hospital Center, way 46TH STREET Feature, o jewelry NEL After S850 million and 20 PCBs, heavy metals and other vari-
around Manhattan we're whcrc. across town at i 14th Street and manufacturer, empties 98,000 years, the still'unuscd ì'milc ously lethal sediments.
Amsterdam Avenue. pounds of sodium hydroxide per tunnel is flooded from leaks and
awash in radioactive, _.#' RADIUM CHEMICAL
fi year into city sewers - almost a
I- seepage and has become o rornon- OCEAN,
infectious and other- CO., WOODSIDE Its ,')
ALL BEACHES: ton every week, Sodium hydroxide tic, Phantom-like, garbage-filled (! TEN MILES EAST OF
wise hazardous waste operating license was resoked in 'l BROOKLYN, QUEENS,
j 15fatal to animals. river os deep as six feet. Featured SANDY HOOK Site used for 73
and we're not speak- 1983. but that didn't stop the 76- STATEN ISLAND, LONG ISLAND, are rotted electrical equipment, years to dump sewage sludge, lead
year-old company from recciing . MOBIL OIL STORAGE
CONNECTICUT, NEW JERSEY, U staloctites of what appears to be and dioxins.
in9 metaphorically here. at least 30 more shipments of ra- RHODE ISLAND, LAKE ERIE J TANKS, GREENPOINT disintegrated concrete, and rusted
A utility spokesman dium, used in
the Dark Ages of ,,
This is where Mobil stores 23 mii' pieces of track. LONG ISLAND Fifty'
claims he can safely cancer therapy, and storing it in vi- 1: j VAN DAM STREET BE- lion gallons of fuel oil, gasoline (i't four public wells have
stand right next to plu- oli that leaked. Since 1983 it's rc- b LI
TWEEN MEEKER AVE. ond napfitha, 17 million gallons of PYMM THERMOME-
'Th been closed because of contamina-
tonium "as long os I ceived over i 14 citations for state NUE AND BRIDGEWATER STREET, which have leaked into the ground Ib 1u TER COMPANY In tior, from f.rtdizors and pet feces.
don't inhale it, " but safety violations. including miv- GREENPOINT Eight bags of dispos' uve, 40 years; 14 miIl,on gallons 1987 a Brooklyn jury convicted
handling and losing radium. able hotpttol sheets, adult diapers, are still at large. Mobil is on the owners William and Edward Ppmm LONG ISLAND One
many of us don't know Gamma rays outside the building o
food waste, srinqes, bloody sirgi. cose, however, digging recovery of assault for forcing workers to hundred forty'two
when and where not to ore only 40 times thc legal limit; cal g'oves and forceps with skin wells, which have sa far succeeded inhale mercury fumes in an uncen- hazardous-waste disposal sites, of
inhale. These days inside you get your yearly dose in still attached were found Strewn only in esposing o new leak The tiloted basement for two years. which 22 arc poisonous enough to
there's more medical two and s holt hcurs, The owner along the street. Some of the city's Environmental Protection (The State Supreme Court set aside qualify for federal Superfund
waste on the streets of abandoned two other contami- waste bore labels trarsi two Bronx Department says the groundwater the guilty verdict on o technicality.( cleanup allocations.
Now York thon SABY ON
BOARD signs. And facto-
ries ore required by law
to report chemicals re-
leased through smoke-
stacks and air vents or
into sewers, but you
may not want to hear
about it. (Note: we
couldn't include every.
thing; see future SPY
Maps for chemicals re-
leased into the air, ra-
don clouds hovering in
homes, ten tons of as-
bestos sitting in o Bronx
parking lot and other
apocalyptic highlights.)
Rødiooct.c wust in th ario
com prirnorilyfrorn nueIarpowcr r
plcMs, hospitals and rciearch labs.
Nuclear po wer pio nts ore gene rally 'j j
located away from earthquake-
prone orcos," says the Arnericon
Nuclear Society. Yes, generally'
except for all of the ones around
NewYork.among them:






I i


d powip STATION Shore-
ham's fate s still up n the air at
this writing, but f Cuomo's plan
far the stare to buy the LILCO noted factories, in Georgia and Iii- haspitals, St. Barnabas od Hebrew
boondoggle fcr S i i consummat- nais, forcing those states to pay for Hopitol for the Chrorc Stck.
ed, it would then take at cost 2 to S the cleanup; he ws last seen try- Spokesmen at both dend any
years for on environmental-impact ng to foist off his Woodside tnven- knowledge of the bags, and . Bar-
study probably S to 10 more tory on Third World countries. In nabas spokeswoman Bai1bora
years to dismantle the plont nd 1987 o spokesman claimed, "In the Buchner told the Perot 'Norfting
another 10000 years for Shoreharn history of the company, there has like ths hcs ever happened '
to stop glowing in the dark. never becn a safety-related mci-
dent"; it was uidcr criminal inves- r


I .? tigotiOn by the state Attorney Gen-
noted soil has been eral' Office at he time.
found ot the torn,er titO Of the INC RE 11 lE N T S
Long Ilond Nucleot Ser.ices Corp., MISCELLANEOUS POLLUTERS
a nuclear-waste storage and trans VALUABLE
fer business. - .. NEW YORK HARBOR
DOCTOR'S .. .. j Three billion gallons a
4f r BROOKHAVEN N*- £Q'JIPMENT FOR FREE day of waste water containing pes-
I TIONAL LABORATORY. tictdcs, fertilizcrs, oil, grease and
UPTON Prolifk low-level radiooc- GREENPOINT INCIN- sewage end up here.
tire-waste producer. ERATOR The latest
sttc for Cabrini Medical Center in juLTRUMP (NE TELEVI
p4f Manhattan to illegally dispose of CITY, WEST
o Just on isotopes throw its infectious wotte, according to END AVENUE BETWEEN 59TH
from Katharine Hepburns brown- Deportment of Sanitation charges AND 72ND STREETS Boorish
stone, the building was occupied condo peddler Donald Trump's lot.
from 1939 to 1944 by the Rodiuni :.ìi ,ì PLAYGROUND AT cSt plans for the site of his defunct
Chemical Company and now emits -' 135TH STRFT AND NBC relocation scheme. According
radiatioi at breIs three times the MADISON AVENUE It's os if Nan to the Environmental Protection
state limit. el and Gretel and the witch Deportment, someone furtively rn
;. r,
I :
- p
a1 !P'






Meet Bob and Betty.

Bob is wearing a
vintage clothing boutique for approximately six when Grant refers to Bruce Baldwin, played by
times the garmcnts original 1952 price. He also Ralph Bellamy, he describes him as that guy who
carries his lunch in a tackle box and wears a looks like that Iella in the moviesRalph Bellamy.
Gumby wristwatch, Converse high-tops and baggy From the 1940s through the 1960s, America had
khakis from Banana Republic; at the store, the plenty of everything big appliances, steady jobs,
pants had been stacked in an artfully ruined Crest with fluorideeverything except irony. Bob's
Indiana Jonesstyle jeep. Bob describes his look as and Betty's parents, having survived a depression
Harry Truman mixed with early Jerry Mathers. and a world war intact, were perhaps disinclined to
Bob assumes we know that Mathers played the dress up in outfits amusingly evocative of the
title role on Leave It to Beaver. Hoover era, or to see the inherent comedy in their
Betty wears Capri pants, ballet flats and a man's new tract houses. Little Bob and little Betty,
oversize white shirt, along with a multizippered however, sprawled in front of the Sylvania, gorging
black-leather motorcycle jacket imprinted with on Hydroxes and doing their social studies
Cyrillic letters. She's Audrey Hepburn by way of homework between Soupy Sales and The George
Patty Duke as James Dean's girlfriend waiting on Burns and Gracie Allen Show, were learning to bite
the drag strip. Betty refers to herself as Bobs Sold the hands that overfed them, ironists in the
lady. Bob calls himself Dad. When Bob and making. Instead of war and economic cataclysm,
Betty describe themselves in these ways, they raise their coming-of-age rituals consisted of signing
the middle and forefingers of both hands, petitions and taking drugs; more than any previous
LET YOUR momentarily forming twitching bunny ears air generation, they have the luxury of making fun, of
quotes, the quintessential contemporary gesture that grinning and scoffing, of being ironic. Irony has
FINGERS DO says, We're not serious. always been a luxury item, but now, like foreign
THE TALKING Betty and Bob have a child, a two-year-old whom travel and original art, it is a luxury that millions
they call Kitten. The child is probably too young of people can afford. When you have spent your
How Hand Semaphore to catch the reference to Father Knows Best, even whole life on Easy Street, you can become Dan
Evolved from Thumbs-Up though she sits with her parents when they watch Q uayle, or you can become part of the Irony
Earnestness to Nfrk at Nite, the cable TV service devoted almost Epidemic. Or, if you're of a mind to organize an
Air-Quotes Irony entirely to the quasi-ironic recapitulation of shows absolutely nutty George Hamilton Memorial
from the early 1960s. The invitations to Betty and Limbo Competition at the country club, both.
Bob's wedding were printed with sketches of Among the early symptoms of the Irony Epidemic
jitterbugging couples; for their honeymoon they was pop art. Paintings of soup cans, paintings of
rented a station wagon and drove south, visiting Elvis, paintings of comic-book panels, sculptures
Graceland, Cypress Gardens and the Texas School made out of detergent boxes . . . hey, art isn't
Book Depository. Betty and Bob buy Fiescaware serious, it's a hoot! The allusions were to fifties
and Bakelite jewelry and beaded injun belts, as Hollywood and sixties television, not to Periclean
1935- 44 well as souvenirs from the 1964 World's Fair and Athens or the eighteenth century; irony was
atomic furniture from the fifties rea1 Jetsons suddenly accessible, irony was fun.
stuff. Bob has taught the family mutt, Spot, to do The year for pop art was 1964, the same year
the twist. Bob dreams that his animal will one day Susan Sontag published Notes on Camp.
appear on the Stupid Pet Tricks' segment of Late Sontag's essay was like a thrilling, open-ended
Night With David Letterman. Bob works in mother's excuse note for a whole generation of
advertising, like Darrin on Bewitched. Betty is a gifted children: To Whom lt May Concern:Johnny bas
corporate attorney - a lawyer from hell, she says. my permission to enjoy TV andJacqueline Susana
Bob and Betty are fictional, but Bob and Berry are books. The most serious woman in America gave her
everywhere. Welcome to the wacky, totally imprimatur to a jolly, perverse sensibility that was,
awesome, very late- I 980s world of heterosexual back then and in the main, homosexual and male,
camp, Camp Lite. This is the era of the permanent a sensibility that embraced pop junkJudy
smirk, the knowing chuckle, of jokey ambivalence Garland, complicated floral prints, truck-stop
as a way of life. This is the Irony Epidemic. waitresses, The Supremes, plastic purses, the tango,
whatever - as well as the high-culture obligatories.
No WONDER IT'S COME TO THISWE'VE BEEN A campy outlook, Sontag announced, permitted
building up to a mass outbreak for a century. Oscar refined people to wander happily through an
Wilde was a major celebrity, remember, even in unrefined world: if you can't prevent Miami
America. There were the Symbolists and Ronald Beach, you can learn to love it, sort of. During
Firbank and DadaMarcel Duchamp was the the sixties, irony was camp, camp was irony.
Letterman of his generation as much as he was the Camp was patented by gay men; camp is a kind
Schnabeland Hollywood comedies of the 1930s. of gay soul . Ostracized groups tend to create their
It was Cary Grant's ironic swerves that put him own art forms, out of necessity; soul music, with its

94 SPY MARCH 1989

gospel heritage. means something to Arerha bad entertainment. Roy Lichrenstein was prime-
, t : Franklin that it cannot possibly mean to Hall and time. Camp Lite had arrived.
.' \ Oates. Old camp obsesses on the brazen, the The larger epidemic of irony, meanwhile, was
j sophisticated. even the European. Old camp wants spreading more slowly. The counterculture was
- '
'? I to puffa cigarette in an ivory holder while lolling virtually irony-free: for every Firesign Theater


Iatop a baby grand at the Ritz. Old camp fetishizes
self-sacrifice and romantic agony, the scale of
emotions usually available only to women,
record, there were hundreds of Earth Day
manifestos, Jane Fonda declarations of solidarity,
J ohn Lindsay displays of earnestness, communal
/94 I 4;,; especially women in important wigs. suppers of tofu and human placenta.
Notes on Camp' was still ricocheting around J ust when it became clear that John Lindsay and
intelleauals heretofore orderly brains Diana! placenta-eating were not going to transform the
Lionel! We'vejust got/en backfrom Disneyland, ojal! world, an irony industry sprang up to fill the void.

C Sno

p/aces.'whcn Robert Venturi wrote his book


Ray-Ban Wayfarers

Schott leather jackets

Bob had subscribed to National Lampoon when he
was still in high school; for their first date, Bob
took Betty to the Lampoon's Off-Broadway show,
Lemmingi-, their first purchase as a couple was a
color Sony, bought so they could watch Saturday
Night Live. In a few years, a generacions perpetual
frown had become a perpetual smirk.
One minute everything had been deadly earnest.
The next minute everything was amusing. Gerald
Fizzics Beaded cashmere sweaters Ford bumping his head was funny. Patty Hearst as
SMores Madras sports jackets a revolutionary bank robber was funny. Jimmy
and Bermuda shorts Carter fighting off a rabbit was funny. Even
Flurternuttersor any dessert
made from a recipe on the Rice Oversize 'vintage' overcoats Richard Nixon, once he had been purged, became
Krispies or Ritz crackers box Seamed hosiery a laughable character, Oscar the Grouch with
Tuna casserole Garter belts underlings. Thanks to Steve Martin and Bill
Je[lO Old prom dresses Murray and SCTV, schlock comedians and schlock
Cheez Whiz Gaudy neckties worn with singers were funny unintentionally so, ironically
Pigs-in-blankets gabardine shirts and suspenders so. The entire malformed, third-rate pop culture
1-v dinners Levis jackets with Elvis or Marilyn universe was, in fact, suddenly a wellspring of
hand-painted on the back unwitting mirh, of 'found burnor.' To get the
ADULT LEISURE ACTIVITIES" Opera gloves joke, all you had to do was what you had always
Twister Patent-leather purses done best watch a lot ojTV: game shows were
Etch A Sketch Bright-colored Converse high-tops funny, cheap late-night commercials were funny,
Tee We Tooiiss three-volume set an cable (especially public-access cable) was funny,
of television theme songs, U (IUfl J ack Lord was funny, Marie Osmond was funny,
Television 'i Greattit Hits Boomerang-shaped tables Tom Snyder was funny, Jerry Lewis and his
Trade paperbacks that detail every Patterned linoleum telethon werc funny and none ofthern knew it,
episode of The Honeywooner,
The Beverly ¡-ijllbjIIjt'J or Beanbag chairs which made them all the funnier. Even chunks of
Gilhgan j Is/and i.ava lamps nontelevised life - trailer parks, theme parks, the
Slumber parties, bachelor parties Black-and-white RCA TVs National Enquirer, the New York Post. morticians'
and sock hops trade magazineswere funny. The Irony Epidemic
Framed pre- 1970 L:fe magazine
Barbecues covers was just gathering steam when Bob and Betty first
Bowling Jukeboxes started going to certain movies (Plan 9frorn Outer
Cocktails after work - P.R. Space, for instance) because they were so bad, and it
had achieved its full range when there was a whole
celebrating Las Vegas, thus pushing architecture off subculture devoted to bad movies bad-film
on its own snickery detour. After Venturi (even his books, bad-film festivals, bad-film scholars (see
name sounded like sorne kitschy car, an Impala Camp Lite Goes to College,' page 96).
with fins and cruise control), major buildings could Camp Lite consists especially of a fetishism for the
look like billboards and motelsas long as they good-old-days artifacts that the Irony Epidemic has
looked that way ironically. Or major buildings turned upRay-Bans and skinny ties, Sergeant
( could have columns and gables and keystones and
all kinds olquaint bric-a-bracas long as the old-
Bilko and Bermuda shorts. The rise ofCamp Lite
can be traced to the Hollywood nostalgia
fashioned geegaws were applied ironically. productions of the 1970s: American Graffiti and
Warhol, Sontag, Venturi then, during the same Animal House, Grease and Happy Days. These were
Big Bang, Bairnan came to TV, demonstrating that the works that portrayed the fifties and early sixties
ordinary Americans would go for stylized, mock- as something to be pined for, something cute and

MARCH 1989 SPY 9

pastel-colored and fun rather than racist and for instance, all the first names oi the Brady Bunch.
oppressive and un-air-conditioned. The only thing more unnerving than the
Whereas camp during the fifties and sixties proliferation of air (lU0tC (Between my significazt
emerged from the more passionate. fabled art other' and ,ny 'career. I .co,neli,ne.c wonder whether
forms of ballet, opera and Joan Crawford vehicles, goingfor the good life znake sense) is when they
Camp Lite is almost purely the spawn of fifties and imperceptibly fade away. Camp Lite, after all,
sixties television, with its bland sitcom chuckles began with a genuine ironic impulsethe first few
/967 7J and tiny, comfy dilemmas. Camp Lite is limked to dozen l980s buildings with columns, the first few
the nonintellectual, to lunch boxes and memories hundred times They laugh alike, they walk alike.
of summer Scout outings. True camp, homo- or at times they even talk alike' was sung by young
heterosexual, lampoons and adores, while Camp adults late at night, the first few thousand men
Lite reflexively eulogizes and coddles. ho buttoned their top shirt buttons. But after a
Camp can curdle in the benign clutches of 10 million and then 10 million repetitions, the once
million Bobs and Bettys, and in nostalgia ironic gesture begins to lose the perversity that
junkyards such as Nick at Nue. When a minority made it interesting in the first place.
form is coopted, there is always a loss of dynamic, In the middle of an Irony Epidemic, nothing stays
of nuance. Imagine a Debbie Gibson rendition of ironic for very long: in record time, the vogue for
Respect. Consider Bruce Willis's Camp Lite sixties fashion (peace symbols, miniskirts, Day-
pseudo-Bogie shtick. Camp Lite at its mass- Gb) evolved from a jokey cognoscenti revival to a
marketed worst - Spuds Mackenzie, Hard Rock straight-faced mass-market merchandising
Cafes, Willishas no edge, no gilded layers. Its phenomenon has already drifted, for the second
allusions can become entirely arbitrary. The new time in two decades, toward the dustheap of the
Fox science-and-technology TV show, Beyond passé. From Avenue C to K Mart in five years flat,
Tomorrow, features human Camp Lite artifacts via Elle and MTV - such is the force of Camp Lite.
Alan HaleJr., Jo Anne Worley, Mickey Dolenz, A knowing Bohemian flicker becomes a mindless
Charo in its commercials for no particular reaion, national bonfire, mock nostalgia turns into the real
a Fox spokesperson says, just because . . . well. we thing. What starts out as a perverse, essentially
thought the)' were cool. Even in its more wholesome ironic appreciation of the detritus of the last several
forms, Camp Lite is mere Trivial Pursuit, a matter decades of porkpie hats, Mr. Ed, Twister, Led
of lists, of congratulating oneself on remembering, Zeppelin, poodle skirtsvery quickly becomes an

Shopping Mall (1985) the Eliot canon and tribal courtshiç


. 'All My Children: A Literary
Study ofSoap Operas' (1985)
. 'Organized Summer Camping:
Ari Institution of Stability for
rituals. You can (lUOte both Roland
Barthes and Larry the dorm janitot
(a typical McDuck fan). ks all a
slightly more intellectual version of
American Youth in Times of Transi- the Bu: Dad. Jeui had long hair.
I. "What? Mc Study?: A Selective Jprezzatura. risk-t'ree scholarship: tWO (1986) dinner-table argument. And nc
Survey of the Mildly Antiau- the text, the footnotes and the title . . 'I Heard lt Through the Grape- matter how hard you work on it.
thoritorian Thesis Topics of Lote- page will lock perfectly legitimate %'me': An Exploration of the you are still, after all, getting credit
Twentieth-Century University to professors and parents, while the Motown Sound ( 1986) for reading cornici: indeed, you rc
Students" topic (camouflaged in academic . 'Why Spock Isnt Captain: Con- living the undergraduate dream -
jargon, as in Strategies for Hetero- trol and Self-Determination in obeying authority while giving tht
You're a college student. Its rime to sexual Interaction in Singles Bars) flAR TREK (1987) impression that you're not the sort
choose a topic for your senior paper. is a wink to classmates and your . Nostalgia for the 1960s in pu- of person who obeys authority.
You don't 'ant to wrire about own ironic self that youre not really lar Culture: The Mythification of
Keats or feudalism like everyone a grade-grubbing weenie. the Age of Aquarius' (1988)
else. You're not about to buy into None of the titles cited in the . 'Rhymin' and Stealin ': The Il. "The 'Real' World: Toward ar
the whole academically corre« es- preceding paragraph is, as far as we Beastie Boys Phenomenon 1987' Understanding of the Problem of
tablishment thing. Plus, the only know, an actual thesis. Those cata- (1988) P o s t g r a d u a t e - C a r e e r- D e c is io r
primary sources you know really. loged below. howeverattention. Deferral Processes"
really well, the only texts in which Alla,, B/oom!arc real titles from Gets you thinking, doesn't it After
you have a deep fluency, are old TV Amherst, Harvard. Stanford and all, s'ou have always thought You've graduated. Your thesis
sitcoms, game shows, pop music, Yale. Scrooge McDuck was an overlooked grader conceded that Huey. Dewe)
comic books, Like other ironically manifestation of the Jay Gatsby and Louic did resemble, to somt
inclined contemporaries. you'll . 'The Glory Shall Be a Defense: echos. You can champion the cause extent, a zoomorphic tripartite Nick
write a thesis on pop culture: The The L969 Mets and New York of the common man, proving the C.arraway. Now what Get a job'
Outsider as Hero of Urban Mythol- City (1984) relevance and value of TV shows That would be as embarrassingly
ogy in Supefl; and Sha/i, for in- . Elvis as Hero of Global Village and T-shirt slogans by means of straightforward as .... cIl . . hay' .

stance. or Elysian Fielders: The Culture (1984) pseudo-Derridean deconstruction ing written a serious thesis. The al'
Chrono-Spatial Existentialism of . 'Rebuilding the Dream: Artifice and favorable comparison with such ternative Lu.e ¡be joke-graduate
Professional Baseball. lt's strident and Authenticity in the American accepted academic benchmarks as school.

96$PYMAR(H 1989
automatic, essentialls earnest appreciation. As this petticoats to be applauded on their knack 1or retro
dede began , posrniodern archi eccs and painters chk. The trend toward re-created fifties chromium
vcre playing around, fun-lovingly quoting the diners. like Ed Debevic's :n Chicago and L.A. , or
taboo past with their cartoony colonnades and Manhatrans Dine-o-Mats. are pure exercises in
corny ar(hes. their human hgures and rea!is:1 overeager Camp Lite merchandising. Dine-o Mat
tabicaux; beÍoc the decade was half over. the oil Third Avenue and 5 7th Street teems with
postnodernists wert proffering their columns and where-irs-at youngsters at all hours; the genuine
/.'#_f portraits with deadly eriousncss. As this dec4tk I bm & Hardart Automat (owned bs' the same
began Bob and Betty thought kidney-shaped corporation as the ersatz Dine-o-MaO. at 42nd and
cotee tables were amusing inonstros:ries: as thc: Third. is patronized by a few bums amid cops and
decade ends. Bob and Betty consider them nierely household workers. Camp Lite produced the
stylish. Does anyone think Neu Yorker editor Monkees reviva I the brand-name-studded pages of
Robert Gottlieb doesnt ,?a'//i like PIastR pttses? Stephen King and Ann Beattic. the return of ugar
The Irony Epidemic has been a way for all kinds of smoking, white cotton anklets worn with high
taboo stvks to sneak past the tastefulness heels and the concept of Deb of the Year.
authorities Doit ,,,ind ii. ue.'e jI5I Aiddiiig and (;alrlp Lite does not celebrate orsavage: it does
then, Once inside. turn serious. By the end of the nor gc-c its hands dirty. Camp Lite is about
Bush administration. Grand Funk R.ulroad will be avoidance. Today's irony-stricken yuppie lives in
on a smash comeback tour. terror of becoming . anything. Staking a claim
. .

During the Irony lpidcmic. even interesting can inspire ridicule: )oure a Iauve'Y Admitting to
artists become arr dirernrs in anrhropologists marriage. parenthood to iri,tcurity lii iplies
Lioching, advaiu.e men for Camp l.ite: in his film aging. stolidity. 1f everything is a pose, a sitcom
rriie Storie.. David Byrne .00cd over Dust Bowl riff. then soute still a kid. just goofing around.
trdiler aiks, teased hair and prefab shopping malls Lhe punk movement, exported to the U.S.
as if rnurmnurmg. J mii:! get ihat po/e /a'ìipfoi pry during the earl years o1 the Irony Lpidemic,
!oJL' Direiiors John Waters. Jonathar Demme and became a pretext for a cerrin kind ofCamp Lite
Susan Seideirnan, in films suh as liai rcp y-ay. artifactsafety-pin jewelry. Astor Place Mohawks,
laried io ¡he Ivlob and Alaking ìv1; Right. have also Debbie Harry. And punk was a way for nerds to be
indulged in kitsch glu. piling the screen wir hot cool; a ccrta;n lev artlessness and arch egghead
pink T-Bird converiblcs aiid rustling proni lyrics (ly 6R1/ding ha.r every conz'enzence/lt s going

Dade around 1975, as papers on and an Rl:K memorial bolo rie. You REINTERPRETING THE FiniEs: CHANG. .1-v, teasing and hair combing were
idside diners began appearing in fancy yourselfa human hodgepodge iN(i Vjtw or A Duu. DECADE (Sum- among some of these behaviors.
lemic journals and spaghetti- of amusing American trash. mer 1985) Put in the context of This extensive list is cited because it
stern experts became full proles- But somewhere along the way, the Happy Days format, was it a reveals the complexity of television
s, American Studies departments the savvy smirk has become an al- stable. simple era of Richie Cun- viewing behavior.
ned their attention from the his- fecrionate grin. The implicit irony of ninghams or a fantasy-land popu-
ically significant (e.g., Herman studying the Godzilla/Mothra kited with Fonzie-like rebels? THE MCDONALDIZATION or SOC1ETY
4vilk) to the quaint and the corn- schism or K Mart iconography has (Spring 1983)
opiace (e.g. . Herman Munster). been replaced by reverence. You ac- THF WHIMSEY AND ITS Cocrr.xis: A
w graduare school can be a per- rually start believiirg that Scrooge MULTI-CULTURAL MODEL 0E MATERiAL THE VENEREAL CoNFRoNTs THE
t mark-time paradise. scholarship McDuck can tell us quite a hit CULTURE STUDY (Spring 1986) 'FNERAßLE: P-LAYOOY ON CHRISTMAs
a smirk, the ultimate noncom- abotit ourselves as Americans. The model is illustrated by an ex- (Winter 1984) The costumes
tta1 ironic life-style. Eventually you trade in your amination of a distinct type of white beard has fallen round her
hand-painted hula-girl tie and beaded novelty object made by Tus- neck to cover the front of her ho-
Brooklyn Dodgers cap for a tweed carora Iroquois women and mar- som; her buttocks stick out from the
HGoing Pro: The Ethnosocio- a&et and Bean boots both worn. keted as a souvenir in the tourist costum&s waistband.
cal Implications of the Pre- of course, ironically; once you were area of Niagara Falls.
Postdoctoral SeIf-Justifica- Maynard G. Krebs, now youre CALIFORNIA GIRLSANDTHE AMERICAN
Process" Professor Lawrence from Gidge:. In - TImE LOVE BOAT ; HiuH ART ON THE EDEN (Winter 1984)
pursuit of tenure, you publish an HIGH SEAS (Fall 1983) The
komc to the faculty. Youve set- article in the Journal of Arnerwan study includes a surprising list of COMIC BOOK LUDDITE: THE SAGA OF
in at your Qrrel, d«orating it Culture, put out by Bowling Green some ocher behaviors that were ob- MAGNUS. ROBOT FIGHTER (Spring/
Trans Formers and Caesars Pal- State University and the Ipular served to be accompanying or inter- Summer l984)Asacomic book,
postcaids. Your oflice hours arc Culture Association. You flesh out rupting viewing: looking out of Magnni, Robo: Fighter falls into that
red on the door, between unir- your McDuck thesis (expanding the windows, picking Ofl&S nose, amorphous category known as pop-
ionally hilarious National En- Meyer Wolisheim/Gyro Gearloose scratching . . . smoking, rocking ... ular culture,' part ofrhe literature of
rtr clippings and Xcroxed pages parallel) and submit it. hs as rele- dressing and undressing, posing . the masses, the vernacular reading
n the I 953 Boy Scoui Handbook. vant now as it ever was, and ifs sure reciting . . . fighting . . . throwing of the common folk. Because of
I go to all che grad-student to measure up alongside these actual things . . . mimicking or answering rhis, comic books have only recently
ce air quotes here mixcrs in excerpts from recent issues of the the TV . . . picking up objects . . become the subject of serious schol-
ESSO gas pumper's jumpsuit Jol: pacing. asking questions about the arly inquixy. Paul Simzni


to make life easyfor îiie) became, in the case of By seeing Reagan as a joke, as Mr. Magoo or Don

Çk4 Talking Heads, ironic rock, Sondheim for kids.

Dylan had made alienation stylish, but now ir
chuckled instead ofwhined. As the Irony Epidemic
DeFore's dim Mr. B froto Hazel, young America
denatured him. No one had to dwell on the
ugliness of his policies if he was treated as a
kicked into high gear Sid Vicious, a bona fide cartoon, sleepily wed to Cruella De Vil. Voting
angry young punk, recorded, sniggeringly, My Republican l'ias become a pose rather than a sin.
Way. And today even rap music, the Air quotes abound nowadays. Air quotes
(]uintesscntial underclass form , incorporates eliminate responsibility for one's actions, one's
snatches of thc I Dream ofJeannie theme; who says choices. Bob tells co-workers wich a grin that heSs
Camp Lite is lily-white? got to get home toraise hands, insert air quotes
Victims of the Irony Epidemic do not dread here the little woman, or to ¡he wife and kids, as ti

commitment they fear uncoolness. When Bob his family didn't really exist, as if he's still a wild
vears his garish shirts or his black-rimmed nerd anduazy guy. Betty tells friends she's ultra-Type
glasses. he implicitly announces, I am aware enough A and, with air quotes, a yuppie madwornan, so
to apprenait the of this shirt und these they won't imagine she actually enjoys her 12-hour
glasses; I don't like the,e i get them. When Betty days at the firm.
dons her thrift shop Ilolly Gulightly strapless, she Aïr quotes undermine any real art. The paintings
wears ir as a costume, so she cant be accused of of David Salle, endlessly and almost purely
becoming her mother. Bob and Betty idolize referential, Moonlighting, even Who Framed Roger
Letterman; because he keeps things goofy and Rabbitall of them are Xeroxed clip jobs, Cliffs
light, there's no danger of embarrassment. Notes on fondly remembered original works of the
Letterman is enormously talented, of course, hut he past. Real art and regular hobbies you can happily
can become the hipsters Perry Como. Letterman, experience in solitude. But given the choice, who
as the avatar of Camp Lite, as Mr. Ambivalence, is would play miniature golf or go to a Cindy
usually thrown b' anything truly, weirdly campy. Sherman show alone Art in the age of air quotes
Pee-wee Herman makes him uncomfortable, as requires a fellow smirker, someone else smart
does Sandra Bernhard. Pee-wee and Bernhard enough to get it. Irony is a group sport. A certain
possess the heedless risk of true camp. They toy SOft of postgraduate hoy can go with other
with gender, with anguish and dementia. postgraduate boys to
'a'atch strippers and enjoy the sho's ironically;
CAMP LITE TRUE CAMP alone, he would consider himself pathetic.
. Watching a videocassette of One Mi//ton s Working OUt tO Raquels exercise video and Camp Lite uses irony as an anesthetic, an escape
Years B.C. , starring Raquel Welch as a wondering if Tahnec, Raquel's daughter, is route. It is a breed of timidity, a reluctance to rock
cavewuman a happy girl the yacht. Camp Lite can redeem itself, by
. Having a cookout. wearing madras Bermu- s Attending the trial of a particularly ba- cultivating some danger, some bracing recklessness.
das and playing Beach Boys talxs roque serial killer some of the alienating weirdness that spawned it.
. Giving someone a copy of Jackie Collinss . Buying a gown from The Dynasty Collec- Otherwise, Camp Lite will remain a smug reflex, a
Hollywood Wives as a joke gift Lion and wearing 1oecr Krystle toilet painless roost for guys 'n' gals without imagination
or real spunk, a mask for easy condescension
s Ritual group viewings of Lifestyles of ¡he . Watching only those L:fes:y/cs segments
-I /oveJoe Franklin.'
Rkh and Famous that feature Donna Mills behind the Iron
The place ofJoe Franklin may be a benchmark
for the remarkable sweep of the Irony Epidemic,
s Attending the Warhol auction . Attending the Warhol funeral
circa l99. Franklin now knov.'s he has become an
Letterman is far happier around people like Larry object of jokes, a piece of found humor. He even
Bud Melman, his proprietary piece of flesh-and- claims to be complicit in the process. Look, my
blood found humortargets, curious oafs, friend,' Franklin told the Timei, Billy Crystal, he's
threatless. doing a satire on a satire. list putting on the whole
Camp Lite tends to focus on the mild, the rural or world I'm tongue-in-checking every moment of
suburban, and the male. Witness Letterman's my life.' Nor is he the only one: Thh Hunter
fixation on small-town news items, on animal acts appeared in a John Waters movie, Frankie Avalon
and the lad who nurtured the largest okra in luwa. and Annette Funicello made the Camp Lite Back to
Camp Lite yearns for childhood in a wheat field, the Beach in 1987, Robert Goulet was in both
adolescence ori the beach at Rinón; Dad at the Beetlejiiice and Scrooged, Zsa Zsa Gabor and Charo
barbecue is God. Camp Lite, at worst, is a cocktail flounced around on Pee-wee's CBS special last
parry that descends into group renditions of the Christmas, Vanna White suggests she understands
theme from The Flinistones and critical debates she's just a Pet Rock with blond hair and breasts.
¿.%T'!/ about whether Gill:gan ever got oW the island. When the kitsch starts talking back Look, I know
The Reagan years have been Camp Lite incarnate, I, schlock, I knau; i'm ajoke it's almost enough to
the great winking downside of the Irony Epidemic. make a person turn earnest.

98 SPY MARCH 1989



In big, interesting cities today (and nowhere more than New York) it seems that almost everything
and everybody is hip willfully, relentlessly hip. There is slick-as-glass modern sophistication the
women's store at Barneys, Broadway Video and the World Financial Center, Gregory Mosher
and Richard Meier. And, more to the present point, there is quasi-Bohemian hip, the hip of those
people and places with carefully calibrated ironic posesTrixie's, the East Village and Broadcast
Arts, Paul ShatTer, Tama Janowitz, Buster Poindexter. Practically everyone is hipand everyone
knows it. -i Except, that is, for the unwittingly hip. 1f the world today deaves into two groups,
they are those who aîimse themselves with kitsch (people like Paul Shaffer and Tamajanowitz) and
those who just plain likeor arekitsch. The unwittingly hip are a subset of the latter group, those
precious few artifacts and entities and people and places that are accidentally, naively avant-garde
that look really, really cool it. The unwittingly hip is a niche occupied by just barely
but don't know

old-fashioned packaging and decorations of a certain no-longer-swanky era, by old Las Vegas and
post-deco Miami Beach, by objects that have decayed in a way that happens to appeal to aesthetes at
the end of the century. The unwittingly hip are those people and styles that are, in 1989, precisely
the right number of years behind the times. ' There is unwitting hipness all over America and the
world the rural South is chockablock with it, and beauty parlors are good bers. And New York,
despite its aggressive stylishness, has a rich supply of the unwittingly hip. That's partly because the
city still takes in tens of thousands of immigrants every year, earnest naïfs who have neither the
indination nor the training to be hip deliberately, people who wear wide Day-Gb flowered ties and
clunky black Buddy Holly glasses because that's all they own, people who decorate their storefronts
with tin and Caribbean aquas because that's what they know. It's also because in New York, the
shopkeepers selling tinsel on 22nd Street or
ladies' hats on lower Broadway for the last 30 or
40 years are still in business, looking just as they
did when Eisenhower was elected president and
atomic energy sounded neat. Thus, with a
mandate to document the innocently with-it
and naively stylish wherever we found it, pho-
tographer JENNY LYNN roamed the city for
days. The results of our search are on the
following pages along with some of the corre-
sponding wittingly hip places and things that
have proliferated during the Irony Epidemic.

- , :

.l1 ,' ;
b UNWITTINGLY HIP: Genroku Sushi's
conveyor-belt service, Fifth

Avenue. WITTINGLY HIP: Dine-o-Mats conveyor-belt
scrce, circo 1985, 175 Madison Avenue.


habitue, Chinatown. WITTINGLY HP: Elvit Costello.

--.-! UNWITTINGLY HIP: coke dipIoy with
lova lamp, Lo Deuce Pastry Shop,
372 Third Avenue. WITTINGLY HIP:
UNWTTINGLY HIP: leftover 1940s shoes at Encslow Shoes. 924 Broadway. WITNGLY sculpture by Thomas Lanigon Schmidt, Holly Solo-
HIP: Tootsi Plohound, i 10 Prince Street. mon Gallery (price: around $30,000).



UTTINGLYH:thel9Mó5 ii

UHWITTINGLY HIP: Highlights Worlds Fair unisphere, Fluch-

for Children. WITTIHGIY HIP:
Meadow Pork, Queen%.
' -"

Metropolis. WITTIÑGY HIP: Globey, from Pee-wee's Playhousc.

dow display at Fash-
ion Hats, 579 Broad-
way. WIrTINGLY HIP: window display at New
r ......... Republic Clothier, 93 Spring Street.

Ç4 V

- w SPotJ!f
UIWITTINGLY HIP: sign in coffec shop,
Second Avenue and 55th Street. Wir.
TINGLY HIP: SPY mo%thead artwork.



Company, 237 Lafayette Street. WITTINGLY HIP:

Meriken restaurant, 162 West 21st Street.
i. .


I c'
'J .--.-

UNWITTINGLYHIP plaeesei'hngatSil
: c

verStarRestaurant, 1236 Second Avenue. WITTINGLY


w ,

UNWITTINGLY HIP: as%orted current grocery-store-bought objects. WITTIPGLY HIP: menu and matches designed by M&Co. design firm for
Rc%taurant Florent.

loaf, $4.50 with two v
tables, Blomsy Stone,
Esghth Avenue. Wry-nH
HIP: meat Ioaf $8.5
pound. Dean L Delu
560 Broadway.


UNWITTINGLY HIP: posters in Vanity Fair Cleaners, 376 Third Av.-

nue. WITTINGLY HIP: ade for Reminiecence clothing store

UNWITTINGLY HIP: street person, tower Broadway.

WITT1HGIY peP: Alice FarJey. performance artist.



. I

ers, 158 Avenue C. WITTINGLY HIP:

BowI-O-Romc, published by Abbeville Press, 986

UNWITTINGLY HIP: oxidized copper

floater in older toilet tanks. WIT.

UNWITTINGLY HIP: Betty's Juice Stand, east side of Lofoyette Street at Bond. TINGLY HIP: oxidized copper candie-
;:-- Wnipiy HIP: the Big Kohuno, 622 Broadway. sticks from Rogers.Tropeo Inc


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copulating pandasyes, that's it exactly.
Merkin is something of an eccentric
himself, as no doubt he would be the first
to admit (while grabbing you by the lapels
and wheezing, Yeti knau I'm something of
an eccentric myself). Many of his columns
include his pet articulation, rnidtb, a
, I tJ l%J I
grating, pseudo-Chaucerian neologism
that apparently means the same thing as
amid: When I was growing up in
Gotham, midrh a plethora of shops . .
(Merkin on ordering clothes from cata-
logs); Midth a plethora of old
A long haul with uniforms . . . (Merkin on retirement);
Here, midth the 'bop cardigan& and the
afew ofthe pack mules pegged pants with contrasting saddle
stitching and 'pistol pockets' . . . (Merkin
ofthe rag trade on himself as a young dog); Midth the
conformity of this Kevin Costner Look-
alike Contest that runs from coast w
coast . . . (Merkin on eccentrics).
BY IGN*TZ RAZTWIZKIWZKI Merkin also makes misuse of a phrase
from Shakespeare. Hamlet at one point
A merkin is awell. isnt a merkin a sor ofsmall kind ofwig A describes a certain play as having been
miniature type of basically triangle-shaped hairpiece? But small caviare to the general, meaning that it
A sort of wiglet? Worn (Juite privately? was too fine ro be appreciatc(l by ts vulgar
GQ's arbiter of style, Richard Merkin, is one of audience, the general populace. Merkin
R E V I EW those people who seem to he simply bursting with habitually Zarhl(s the phrase and gives tr
o E personal styleso much SO that he defies ordinary exactly the posite meaning. When he
labels. GQ identifies him as an artist and writer
says that three songs sung by Bobby Short
who lives in New York. But you get the feeling would be caviar for the general, he means
from reading his monthly column, called
Merkin on Style, that mere nouns come
nowhere close to capturing the man. Let
me see if I can't do a little better: 1-j
Richard Merkin. one-third of those Three
Amigos of Bespoke (the other two being Torn
We/ft and lawyer Eddie Whaddaya, Whad-
daya' Haye.r) has jilci One outrageous opinion
after another. He thinkr Meryl Streep is over-
rated and that the New York Post is on-
iernptib/e." He is quite comfortable hobnobbing
with classy. rich aristocrats.
Or this:
Richard Merkin is a right-wing An-
glophiliac old fart, but young people respect
him because he has the guts to tell it like it is.
?Jáfl (Show me a guy who refers to women as

'ladies' or to his companion as 'my lady, and

Ill shou' you a macho chauvinist, whether he
be in gold chains or striped braces").
Or maybe this:
Richard Merkin is a master ofibe nieniora-
6/e phrase. as in his description of eccentrics:
'Likepandas, they are proofofthe Lord's sense
ofhunor, and, like pandas, they preftr not to
copulate upon request."
Richard Merkin is a sort of GQ-ish Os-
car Wilde, in other words. Eccentrics and
that they are so wonderful that they are fit say what they think the advertisers want yourself, Mr. Greenberg From there to
for a commanding ofhcer. He commits the them to say. Its nothing about nothing, the end of the story it's very easy sailing for
same error in another column, a journey season after season: 1t has everything to do Rothstein: he merely strings together foot-
back w his adolescence: These apocalyptic with attitude. Toward quality. Toward age from his tape recorder.
visions bring to mind a flashback to those style. Toward detail' (Esquire on the New I wish someone would explain to me
cheery halcyon days when shopping was a York Look). 'At every moment, a consis- why the Times employs most of its music
glorious activity, and New York a Casbah tency in attitude . . . and in the way a look reviewers. The lamest recent offering (in a
of che serendipitous for a young man seek- comes together - with striking accessories very crowded field) is Jon Pareles's Sunday
ing, and often finding, the caviar reserved and with the kind of unexcessive makeup think piece, 'Art and Rock: An 80's Love
for the general. and hair that maintain the 'purity (Vogue Affair.' Pareles's contention is that art and
This last sentence also provides a taste of on fall fashions and, I guess, the new rock are inextricably linked in some brand-
Merki&s usual prose style: the deflating, unexcessiveness). 1t is a season for filling new way.
superfluous checrj the awkwardness of a in gaps in a wardrobe and replacing old Music and art have never been strang-
flashback being brought to mind (and by favorites. Now is the time to buy a black ers,' Pareles concedes. Musicologists study
viiions?); the whiff of the thesaurus. swearer, a couple of good pairs of pants, illuminated manuscripts to determine the
Like Esquire Cthat compromised skirts in several lengths and styles, a new shape of a lute; the Cubists wore out their
mummy R. Merkin), GQ vaguely imi- jacket, and even a dress or two' (New charcoal sketching cafe guitarists. But over
tates the Esquire of the (lays when Esquire York's Michael Gross on fall fashions and the last decade rock has replaced classical
meant something. Both magazines reek of the new understaredness). Designers have music as the primary musical inspiration
perfume. Fashion spreads in both are out gone mad for plaid this season. But then, for art to the point where the two may
of the Vogue mold: scowling. low-IQ types plaid has never really been out of fashion seem inseparable.
in striped pants, checked shirts, plaid jack- (Neu' )rk'5 Wendy Goodman on, uh, the Fm only sorry that Pareles couldn't
ets and polka-dot tics, and, often, a new plaidness). think of a third example of the historical
woman with her hoobs hanging out. 7 Days (a magazine eerily referred to link between art and music. Didn't Mi-
(What better accessory for a well-dressed orally by several of its editors as us, as in chelangelo whistle while be worked?
guy than a half-dressed gaP) Have you seen us?) recently made a he- Runner-up in the competition for the
The trouble with fashion reviewing in roic efFort to scare up a little cologne adver- Laziest Reviewer of 1988 Award is Brock
any magazine is that so much of ir is so rising. At the end of a lame essay on the Yates, The Washington Post Magazine's au-
nakedly calculated to suck up co advercis- importance of after-shave, Allen Frame tomotive reviewer. Yates devoted an entire
ers. Of course, magazines themselves are suddenly breaks out of Earth orbit: 1 column to a 'long drive' he said he had
nakedly calculated to suck up to advertis- would like ro imagine a cologne for myself. taken 'last night. Nothing happened dur-
ers. But the fashion writers really burrow There would be fresh top noces of a sunny ing this drive. The brand of automobile
down there and slurp. southern childhood, lemon and orange, was not specified. Yates's column was filled
Off. and on over the last decade, Esquire with a body of herbaceous rural isolation with the sort of facts that don't have to be
has run winter features on the tuxedo. The (and floral notes of magnolia and honey- looked up: meandering deer cause 'count-
only theme connecting these pieces is an suckle) blending unexpectedly with a spicy less' collisions; alcohol probably leads to
eagerness to please those who pay the bills. urban frenzy, drying down to a base note of 'an inordinate number' of late-night acci-
One year dinner jackets with shawl lapels amber woody retreat.' dents; nighttime travel is preferred by
are dismissed as a staple of bandleaders Yuck! many' people; on journeys after dark,
and headwaiters [that) rarely looks any- In closing, a few odds and ends concern- drowsiness can impede progress.'
thing hut dated and lackluswr ( I 980); ing the nation's two greatest newspapers: The Laziest Reviewer of 1988 Award
the very next year the same jacket is hailed Mervyn Once Upon a Time' Roth- goes to the Times's chief film critic, Vin-
by the same reviewer as a subdued, time- stein, the Times theater reporter with a flair cent Canby. who seems to find even the
honored choice. In I 987 Esquire coun- for arresting first sentences (see January/ undemanding task of rewatching old mov-
seled no loopy prints or noisy colors for February Review of Reviewers). has out- ies too demanding. Reviewing Dirty Rot-
evening wear; in 1988 the lead phow- done himself recently. Here's how he began len Scoundrels, the remake of Bedtime
graph in the ux spread featured a loopy a piece about Richard Greenberg, the Story, he writes: 'Except for its title, the
print in a noisy colora swirling printed rubby author of Eastern Standard, a play earlier film has receded from memory, but
velvet ves( in gold and, in an ad for Lord abou some young people who take a I canOt imagine that it could have been
West four pages later, a vest and tie in an bag lady to their house in the Hamptons: anywhere near as entertaining as (Dirty
even loopier print and decidedly noisier 'U.K. , Richard Greenberg, let's get to the Rotten Scoundrels). A week later the in-
colors. In GQs tuxedo feature that same point right away.' dustrious Mr. Canby was in the rigorous
month, the scowling, low-IQ type model- Take a closer look at that lead. Seem- throes of critiquing Dangerous Liaisons.
ing the dinner jacket was accompanied by ingly without effort, Rothstein has grabbed Though I have fond, fuzzy memories of[a
three naked women lolling around in pud- the reader's attention and fixed it on the 1959 Roger Vadim version of the story),'
dies of blue paint. message, or point, of his story. He con- he writes, "I can't imagine that it could
For the grumpy magazine reader, there's tinues, 'You. a self-acknowledged yuppie, come anywhere near the [current) version
a certain amount of fun in watching clothes have been termed a defender of your in terms of witty, entertaining, if occasion-
reviewers jump through hoops in order to breed. So what do you have to say for ally overripe decadence. )

MARCH 1989 SPY los

F I1%I ment. Pollack was replaced by Steven
Spielberg (an Ovitz nonclient!), who also
II (luit the proju. Enter Barry Levinson. a
director with the proper credentials for a
Mike Ovitz package: ( i ) he has had a
string of welt-regarded hits Diner, The
Natural, Tin Men, Good Morning, Vietnam:
(2) he is a client of Ovins; (3) he is one of
Ovitz's closest friends; and (4) he has de-
veloped a reputation for solving difiktilt
a street

which ¡s
KIDS script problems and working congenially
with big-name actors.
According to people who worked on
Rain Man, Hoffman's greatest concern was
u n rn i s t a k a b Iv ¡1oI/yz ood's liti/est sIarr that after the enormous failure of lihtar he
New York might have lost his audience. The prime
and biggest egos moviegoing audience ( i 8-to-24-year-olds)
is a bistro turns over every few years. And since actors
which is
in their middle ages like Hoffman and Warren Beatty only
rarely actually make films, they may still be
unmistakably stars but only to people who don't go co
movies anymore. And no marrer who you
are or what you've made, the cold, hard
A short story: This is a short bottom line remains: If you can't draw
column about a short subject with a short them in, you're no longer a star. And if
temper and a big cgo. Yes, I know e:'ey- you're no longer a star, your previous price
Hollywood fits this
general description. But to
of $5 million per picture plummets to a
fifth of that, and people are no longer will-
IP4OUSTY he more specific, let's Ing to submit to your tantrums on che set.
choose just one person.
Let's choose . . . oh . . . how
240 West 14th Street about Dustin Hotfman' He's certainly
short (five foot six). And he is certainly
NewYork City known for his incendiary (offscrecn) per-
¡'('fr' e-lI Disney, Spark;'
Tel 206-7006 formances with producers. writers and di-
rectors. And he has a hit movie out now,
Rain Man, costarring Tom Cruise. Katzenberg 's eleal-niaking
Hoffman was apparently so upset by the
failure of his Elaine MayWarren Beatty
(and -breaking) is
desert epic, ¡chiar, that his agent, Creative
Artists Agency's Mike the Manipulator
Ovitz, told him to stop fretting and make uzargiiah/y up Io snuff
some movies - most notably Rain Man,
Accepting which had been in development for years.
(Virtually all of Hoffman's pictures have (For a more complete demonstration of ca-
only OflC long. tortured development histories as reer ascension, see Burt Reynolds on the
movies that rise high above the pedestrian hoary Burr Reynoldsproduced TV game
often do. Director Robert Benton and pro- show Win, Lose or Draw.)
ducer Stanley Jaffe anguished for years try- In an especiatly shrewd instance of ca-
;t ing to ge Kra,,ier vs. Kranier made. Toolsie reer salvation, Hoflman's solution to the
Á:;4 went through no fewer than eight writers problem of declining bankability was ro
3112 8
and two directors before Sydney Pollack overrule the director, studio heads and
C us$1
came aboardonly to endure continuous casting people and insist that the role of
suabbling with Hoffman.) On Rain Man, the younger brother in Rain Mana part
Membership director Martin (Ber'erly Hills Cop, Mid- originally conceived as a 38-year-old - be
Has Its Privileges
night Rim) Brest, another Ovita client, was written for a 26-year-old. A 26-year-old
originally going to direct; hut following the named Tom Cruise. In short, Hoffman
AmCtk Epft, Tr,c) Rth,ed Scn ompirn. In usual creative differences, Hoffman wanted Cruise's audiencethe Top Gan
brought in Pollack, who did his own treat- kids who sort-of-bu (-not-quite remember

Hoffman as "the guy who dressed up in
women's clothing in Toouie.
Hoffman took out similar audience in-
V s II
surance on Sidney Lumet's Family Bujiness:
he signed only when he was certain that
Matthew Broderick and Sean Connery
were on board. The thinking here was,
''W4&O*O I
evidently. Why ?WI cover all the deniographù- 'S% &-,%'1*O
(Note: in an eerily parallel moVe, the
other perpetrator of Ishtar, Warren Beatty, s.
has also recently taken OUt a would-be ca- 's.
reer insurance policy by casting Madonna
as his love interest in Dick Tra'y. Beacty
obviously felt he needed to be reintroduced
to the underage lace glovesandbus:ier
set. Do I see a trend here?)
All of which brings us ro Disney chair- b'& iaA
man Jeffrey Sparky Katzenberg, who has
been credited with reviving the careers of a d
screening-roomful of worthy but neverthe-
less fading starsBete Midler, Richard I
Dreyfuss, Lily Tomlin, Nick Nolte. Holly-
wood being Hollywood, though,
Katzenberg did not perform this sort of
name-above-the-title resuscitation entirely
as a product of from-the-heart altruism.
Disney has a reputation as the financially
tightest studio; no matter what you were
paid on your last film. Disney will try to
pay you less. (More often than not this is as
beneficial to the career-in-decline acwrs as
it is to the studio itself.)
Katzenbcrg's deal-making (and -break-
ing) is unarguably up to snuff. Last year
Disney was scheduled to begin production
of The Dead Poets Society. The film was to
be made by Jeff Kanew. When the picture
was scheduled to begin shootingwith
hundreds of thousands of dollars already
spent in preproduction costs - Kanew re-
ceived an urgent call from Sparky telling
him to stop.
J eff Kanew had been fired.
New writers had been hired.
In what some read as a career panic,
Dustin Hoffman had suddenly expressed
interest in directing and starring in the
There's a postscript. Reverting to his old
ways (after being reasonably assured that
Rain tt4an would be a hir). Hoffman
backed out of The Dead Poe/s Society. And
then, stuck without a (hector or a star,
Disney hired Peter Weir and Robin Wil-
hamsas it happens. a IflOfC promising-
sounding package by far.
Grca tu have seen you at Don and
Jerry's in Aspen.)

LJ 'V %J the last recession year on record, 3 1 5,000

TIlE \X'IUTEI4'S Voict:

wLI-I bankruptcy cases were filed up from
200,000 just three years earlier. Filings dc-
dined 1983 and 1984, as is customary

in prosperous years. Custom thereupon

oft1u I3(st .Sid. ) Cnfrrfor Ilu' I ¡t ceased ro apply, as the FedraI Reserve Bui-

¡rse,i Is
kim, an esteemed hut unread journal of
the Federal Reserve Board, recently noted:
Historical patterns went awry in 1985
and I 986 when bankrupcies shot up more
THE END OF than 20 percent in each year despite the
strength of the economy. . . . On the
whole, the 1985-87 surge in bankrupr les
THE CENTURY is a puzzling development. . . . Sort of like
Chapter One: Spend. spend, spend. the arrival of the Goths in Rome was a
puzzling development and the Great De-
Chapter Five: Bilis, bills, bills. pression was baffling.
On a faintly hopeful note, bankruptcy
Chapter EIez'en: Chapter 1 i filings through the first half of last year
were up by a mere i 2.8 percent, less than
8 Y J A M L S G R A N T
the galloping rates in 1985 and 1986. On
a frankly worrisome note, however. chose
six months of i 988 were an ideal time not
As winrcr turns to spring America ¡s cvi- to go 1)roke - nobody had any excuse to
An Evening of R'zdiugs dently richer than ever. yet Americans in run out of money. The economy was grow-
by SPY li titei record numbers are going broke. Perhaps ing and employment was rising, and the
there is a wholesome expia- stock market crash was receding from
f ('(1 t 11 1lt4 - nation for this paradox, but memory. lt is unnerving co realize that
.- THE
all of 1946 fewer than those were the good old days.
. --
9,000 Americans declared
BRUCE F1ADY bankruptcy. whereas in
1987 bankruptcy petitions were filed at
the rate of about 9,00() a u'eek.
ANN HODGMAN It is easier to borrow money today than
it was in 1946. and it is casier to shuck off
JOHN LEO OfleS debts today too. The easier we make
the possibility of debt, rht preemincnt
philosopher of debt. Freeman Tilden, pro-
PAUL RuDNIcK nounced in the 1930s, rhc more failures
there will naturally be.
& Ei4tis WE1NEI Tilden could not have imagined the
mass mailing of credit cards, the magnum
leveraged huyout or the eve-year loan Ofl
che $29.95 Yugo (or, for that matter. the
'I'I)tl Li . \Iarch I ô at 8 p. ni. $650 million fines paid by insatiable unk-
Ethial (tiluire At1(IitOri I I Ill
bond-peddling brokerage houses). Never-
rhcless, he put his finger on something
2 West 64th Street when he recast the fable of the grasshopper
and the ant in modern terms: Behind all A truism of bankruptcy is that the
the complexities of modern political econ- debtor has too many debts, but the recent
.4 rPceJ)tion I,osu'dby.4rnar,qio di Suroisnu omy lies the simple fact that human beings startling rise in credit card, charge account
tEiIIfOIIOlV tilE' rvitdh,gs.
are, speaking generally, of two persuasions: and automobile loan debt (UI) tO 19 cents
the first would spend tomorrow what they per dollar of disposable income from 14
. earn today; the second would spend today cents in 1984) is singled out by the iderai
7îckeis $7 vii the door or in ada'a:aet' u, what they hope to earn tomorrow' Reserve Bulietinas the root cause of the
Ilu? Ce,uf'rfor the .4rs ofjicv.. SPC(Ifl(ifloor. The l980s have been the grasshopper trouble. 'A lessening of the stigma of
Ire,, j(k )M(:1. ; u, o:r(Is,rer:
decade. Interestingly, persnal-l)ankru tcy bankruptcy' was given as a subsidiary
Iond,yto 1/rubsy. ¡2ii.,it. to 7p.m.
(2121 787-6357111(H)
statistics took a turn for the worse in che cause, but I wonder if the Federal Reserve
very shank of the Reagan boom. In i 982. authors didnt underestimate the change in

108$PYMAI(CH 1989
social attitudes. No longer at all embar-
rassed ro borrow, people are no longer
afraid to welsh. The fraud that is prac-
used under cover of insolvency. ¡s doubtless
che most extensive of all species of private
robbery, said an official document of the
Society of Friends in the early nineteenth
century. That was before S I 0,000 credi,
lines and Optima cards and powerboats
purchased for no money down.
A recent Times story told of a New York
salesman who was swamped by credit card
applications after he finished paying off a
car loan. Soon he had seven credit cards
from five different banks, plus two credit
even though his annual income was

only about $24,000 and came solely from ¡LA

commissions. When business slowed he
began using the credit cards for living ex-
penses. Several banks responded to his in-
creased use of their cards by raising his / ACADILLACk
credit limit. . . Even after [he received]

two dunning Ieters from a bank, a differ-

cot group in the bank sent him a letter
offering to raise his credit line by an addi- ( &lI&14RI , pE!II1L
donai S 1,000. ,

Note how the trouble started: the so-

called victim gratuitously repaid his car
loan, thereby inciting virtually entrap-
pingthe banks. If similarly tempted, a
debtor should consult one of the recog-
nized debt-counseling services, if he can
get in the door. The National Foundation %?a4e s END

for Consumer Credit has some 400 of-

fices-twice as many as in 1986yet it ME T-SHIRT.
still cannot accommodate the overflow of THES P
borrowers in search of help. Banks are flOt
being diligent in invesdgating debt levels," MADE OF WASHABLE.
says David Caplovitz, a New York bank-
ruptcy lawyer. One division of the bank WEARABLE 100% COTTON.
doesnt know what the other is doing."
Doesnt know, and is probably afraid to AVAILABLE ONLY IN
There is a moral side to bankruptcy that
sophisticated financial people are inclined
to dismiss as corny or irrelevant. Now that
America is a debtor nation, however, the LOGO
personal honor of the average americano
must begin co inform the national finances. \,\,\,\ \\/\/\,\/\,\/\/\/\/\,\/\/ ENCLOSE CHICK
The story of the surge in personal bank- (NO CASI! OR
ruptcies among individual Americans, I MAMI CREDIT CARDS ACCEPTED)
should think, will play badly among the AbO* POS TAGE AND HANDliNG,
foreign holders of United States govern- NYSTATE RES ¡DENTh
ment debt. 1f Americans, in growing num- SPECIFY QUANTITY
bers, are not paying their credit card debts, STATI z. cool DETACH COUPON
will these same Americans scruple to honor
QUANTTTY S ___ M...................L XL 1OTAlIòCI.QjID $_______ SPY
their governments national debts I think OFFII UMflID TO US ANO CAWADA. CANADIAN ltStMTT PUASI PAY U S SIS 295 LAFAYETTE ST.
I have the answer: yes, they will pay, and in 00000WLY ws.i SuPII.Y LASTS PtSASI ALLOW 4 4 WIEKS FOI DIUVISY NY, NY 10012

good money too, if that is convenient. D

MAR(} ( Os') SPY (('t

_ F F l%I graduates are getting the same high-pay-
ing jobs as other M.B.A. s. Among SOM
faculty and administrators there have been
fairly continual disputes over what the
sclmol was or wasn't and whom it should
or shi>ultlnt be training.
When the last dean resigned more than
a year ago, Yale lormed a committee to
search for someone who might resolve the
sijuabbling over SOMs mission - but be-
fore the committee could finish its work,
Schmidt conducted his own search (Mike?
Why are they u'recking the Hi. iii Benno . . . ), resulting in the selec-
tion of Lvinc. who had been, oincidcn-
Yale hu.rineis school? And bote tally. one of his best pals at Yak Law
School in the precountercultural 1960s.
will it look on mj CV' SOI.Fs advisory hoard which includes
Cooper Union president John Jay Iselin,
Alice Riviin of the Brookings Institution
sy M. SLOBOOKIN and 1)ollar BilI Donaldson, a founder of
both SOM and the investment bank Don-
Up in New Haven. former TV host and aldson, Lufkin & Jenretcereceived oth-
current Yak president Benno Schmidt got dal word of Sclunidts new appointment
a jump on rhc oncL-tradirional spring riots oiilv when it convened at the school for its
b appointing Michad rtiziilar meeting the same day the appoint-
Levine to he the new dean Ifleill was made public. Iven though
of Yale s onceidealisttc
. . .

s Schmidt didn't seek the advice of the advi-

School of Organization
.and Management. thereby
granting Levine a mandate ti) preside over
the gutting of the graduate schools curric-
ulum and OStCOSiL)Ie raison d'&re. Levine,
e U'((S inJ/ìiencec/ "f;(j,,/
a former professor at the school. is surely
the right man for the ¡ob. having gained
the requisite experience by leginniig the many. ìiany SOliPCéJ, ¡m/iu/in,
dismantling of the Civil Aeronautics Board
during the 1970s and presiding over
u ice, .ceuiolar/y Jrmer aii,we
un ion-huster Frati k Lorenzos nonunn)n
New York Air during the I9HOs.

Ut. I 'I1 III The school. known as S()M, was

lounded in I 97 3 to eøiiipete for he t
general Edwin ,%1 cese

altiinni donations of Yale College grado-

ates 'ho too frequently went on to busi- sorv hoard. he did let the members know
ness school at Harvard or Stanford. and throui.h The Neu' York Times that he was
also to train the public-sector executives of influenced lrom many, many sources, in-
corni>rri )W. YaIes then Presi(Ienc , Kingman eluding. as it happened, wise. scholarly
Brewster, eased the school on campus by former attorney general Edwin Meese.
dressing LIj) the capitalist Molí in woolly Not long after, Dean I.evine began to
liberal clothing. But SOM was more suc- enrage students and alumni. The union
cessful in its high-minded endeavors than pariah turned management sage explained
fliOSt expected, and graduates now help that he wanted to transfrrn the professional
run such institutions as the Guggenheim school into a scholarly iflStitUtiOfl compara-
Museum and the Metropolitan Museum of hIe to \'ale Law School an analogy that
Arr. This being the 1980s. however, much especially intrigues those colleagues who
tt(eUti()fl has OflC tO gradLiates who went know a1out Levine's own problems win-
on ti) investment banks. SOM people al- fling tenure at SOM (he barely got it) and a
ternately complain that sci many of their professorial apoifltfl1ef1t at the law school
graduates have gone on to high-paying (according to a former law school colleague,
JObS on Street and brag that their he was judged LIfllUalified).

Levine has SO lar Shown a ñncly honed
managcrs ability o rnal.w tough choices.
hosvever. ¡tn(I never more so than when he
announced he 'Would JU1(. a/I nont.nured
(acuity Íroni the organizational bthavior
JepdrtIneI,r because it was just to darn
hard co deCick whom to keep. Then. Show-
,- -. . _
¡ng where he oines out in thc debate over : jVíSt
whv(Ikr A,ncrica ought to tucus its ener-
gics on actually making things rather than
perpetuating the cirrint round of paper-
pushing bust-ups and rtstructurings. zhe
new dcan announced that the operations
- u/x' i;


research faculty the professors who teach

the unglamorous particulars of production
and quality control - woUld he moved (PUC
ut the school ro the íacu1t of arts and
sciences. i1e finance kpartrnent. :nean-
while. Which teaches the partku1ari of bust-
ups and resrructurins, will almost surely
have its standingand budget enhanced.
levines various chates (lic dedared
that students !.°OUId lose all real function
on the SOM admissions coinmitlee. where
the have served since l977) and his high-
handed announcement ot them have an-
ereJ alumni, wl)() spent their two years at
SOM being (Irifled 00 the importance ()t
cooperative decision-making to assure th r
LVC1)'()fle feels a jart of the process. The
01 a letter-writing campaign to
the Yale (:or)ratti(, which rules over the
niversitv, doubt that meir cuiorts Will dis-
lodkc Levine. But flOW he has managed to
whip up their antipathy further by revising
and irnxunding a kter that the SOM
Alumni Asso.iauon had written tu all
pduaces. on the grounds that it was an
implicit (ledaranon of ware tinti! he couki
e( bis OWn. sernicoherent letter ou w
The SOM drama has exacerbated the
que-asyfeeling in New Haven and beyond
that the tiresome wunderkind Schmidt.
only three years into his presidency. was an
iml)erfcct choice for Yak. Schmidt still Finally Mexican Food That
lives on Eist )5rh Street in New York City,
and he has been so invisible around Yale
that students have posted WHERE THE HII.L Satisfies Even
Is BENNO' si1ns 011 caflÌpLIS. Even iii the
continuity-worsh iping precincts of Sku Il TheToughest Food Critics.
and Bofles, the crucible that formed Years ago, youcould lose more than your license br
George Rush, there .ire whispers that serving tasteless tacosor inferior enchiladas. At Cinco De Mayo
Schmidt may not be long for New Haven. weadhere to the saine authentic recipes found in old Mexico.
Which mijht suit him fine. it', as reasona- Afterall, our critics wouldn't settle for anything less.
bic speculation has it, got his sights se-r
on appointment by Bush to the Supreme
(ourt. And unlike tlose nasty administra-
Coil 2t lt 4lt W.i..t RflUldW,l 'r' ;ijI.Ii7(, i 45 Ttidr itv t1a:.
tive jobs at Yale, that Svats (or life. )
MARCh 19$9SPY Ill
LJE U_II Hampton Beach Club in Hampton Bays.
Barb told us 20,000 people were expected,
including 2,000 Jewish singles. Blockbuster
was the only book the Hampton Beach
Club gift shop was selling, an omen we
confused with a compliment.
Our confidence in the Hampton Beach
Club was shaken when we were carded at
the entrance to the parking lot. We believe


31 SECOND AVENUE NYC 212-473-1884

PEÏH we arc the only authors ever to be carded at
their reading.
We met the man who was to introduce
us. He was wearing a baseball cap, on the
top ofwhich was a plastic woman swinging
Hi! You do,ft know anything in a hammock between two palm trees.
This was the funmeisrer of the Hampton
about me or my writing Beach Club, Dan the Man. We believe we
:D A N I S H are the only people ever to be introduced at
partner or our book, but . . their reading by Dan the Man.
The u1imae in relaied panache
Websters would not count the Hamp-
By PATRICIA MARX ton Beach Club as a beach club: it had no
Ow pacbcal Danish mpot le4Iures Si nifty tennis courts, no pool, no cabanas, no boys
pockets. expandable sides. sturdy SDaPS: wears like coidrofled
steeI hauts everyttuflO SeflSby will Organize your 1e. Perfect AND DOUGLAS MCGRATH to set up your chairs, no chairs. lt was just
catry.on fight bag. xacticaI fl. In squashy grey. bfacfi. bro*n.
red. bflue. waterproof canvas. $7S plus $350 a deck overlooking the beach, and a dance
Send for brochwe
The official publication date of our book, floor. We were to read on the dance floor.
946 Madison Avenue. New Yorkcfty 10021 (212) 861-2210 Blockbuster (219 pages, Bantam, S7.95), Dont worry about the pcople, Dan
fell at the end of last summer. But by then the Man said. Ill get them up here.' Over
it was already flying off the loudspeaker, he appealed to the crowds
bookstore shelves from on the beach. Free hats/or anyone who can
PUILISHING Philadelphia, where Benja- guess the TV theme song! Plus two writers
min Franklin wrote his cel-
.. :ebrated autobiography, to
Joining Us Late
Midland, Texas, where little Jessica Mc-
Clure was trapped in an abandoned well
for 58 hours. In Wilmington, Delaware,
two visitors recently found Blockbuster in
the best-seller section, nor far from Tom
Clancy 's Patriot Games.
To be truthful, our mothers live in Phil-
adelphia and Midland. They have worked
tirelessly to promote the book, putting in
long hours with no pay As for Wilming-
/ ton, Doug's aunt works for a local book-
store. She says she has sold 25 copies of
Blockbuster so far and those were a mail
For back issues oISPY, order for Mrs. McGrath, who had already r-.

a 4

write to us at bought all the copies in Midland.

The Puck Building, Ç-
Apart from these three cities, our hook
came out to whatever is the opposite of
295 LafayetteStreet, great fanfare. Though we demonstrated a who want to read their book.'
NewYork,NY. 10012. degrading willingness to do whatever was Everyone came. And no sooner was the
Enclose $4.o() per copy, please. necessary to promote the book, Barb Burg, final free hat awarded, to a woman who
our publicist at Bantam, had planned only identified the theme from Hazel in one
one promotional event. But its a really note, than everyone left. We read to the
big event, she promised. empty dance floor, like idiots, clinging to
The event was a reading, but not the the hope that someone was listening.
Susan-Sontag-salmon-and-sherry-.upstairs- Then, miraculously, we heard a burst of
Tossi i.d.,.& at-Books-&-Co. kind of reading. We were laughter and applause. We looked up.
to read one Sunday afternoon at the Dan the Man had changed into a hat with
112$PTMARCH 1989
a basketball hoop on k, and someone had
just made a baske.
It was dîne to autograph hooks. Of
course, no one came near us. Our hearts
rose when a woman walked right up to us
holding the book. I don't read books, she
said, but this does look easy.
At the end of the day, we had sold one
book, to a boy who sold ice cream on the
beach and felt sorry for us.
C/aiisJiedi appear rnonthl in SPY. It/i orden mio: bc CLASSIFIED ADS: $30 per line; $25 per line fr
If we do thu for the next million days, we two or more consecwis' months.
:;pd and prepaid. Th pIafl' orden b) phon. ca/I
figured , we '/1 have a best-se//er. (212) 925-5509. To ca/culaic the' COSt. (6fl1 (ach
Bantam had no other events planned, so ¡(fier. Jpa( and puncluat:on mark in th ad you want PERSONALS: $25 per line; limited abbreviations
we decided to hire our own publicist. We Io rom. and divid by 50. TIx result i tix nurnbtr of accepted. Add S 15 for box number. Mail will
Iínej in a ¡)eJd ad. Figi.ire pna accordingi) be forwarded for eight weeks following publication.
met a scrawny southern man with a mus- (itt

lincei, right). On requis!, we will jet

tache like Hitler's. He told us that an ap- frit /in' in all capital leiten.
pearance on The Donahue Show would sell Mininrnrn ad JiZ( ii tUO unti. Pleaie column inch; S I 80 for two or more
50,000 copies of the book, bUt that we inc/jede yotin daytime phone nnmkr Consecutive months.
couldnt get on The Donahue Show. Not andaddreis on a/I conre,pondno, and

the way you are, he said. You need an tend io spy, 295 l.afayei: Sirett, LI.. W"hen replying to Perionalt, addn'js
New York, N.Y. 10012. Attention your response to SPY Cai.u/ie'do. fol'
angle. Let's ask ourselves: who are Phil's Lany Heitlenian. Ads arc accepted louvd by th box nun,bír to which yoa
guests,? Teachers who push crack, women at the ptib/ither'i diíentt,on. arc niponthng.)
married to snipers. He looked at us. Do
you see what your problem ìs
We had an idea. How about what it's
like when a tall author collaborates with a P o L I T I C S I S AT I R C PERSONALS
Hilarious Pohtical Satire C&swotc: Regan Cacotrsi Hiis. The CONFIDANTE WANTED. SWM 29. seeks
short author?' pfc,3 conuetenee you nesi beasd. featuring Reogns atual yoke. nrr,gur. (hara«ro skeich IO SPY lIno 96.
SWF loe S.F. area

No,' the publicist said. Let's think s99s to: Daily Feed. I 57' K 5c. NW, Ste. 662-S. Waih&ngcoo.
D.C. 20005. Or durg by phone (S 10.95) 800-33(,-(,546 (MC/ Happy hìnhday N&rey Jo Putsylips Love. D Sqçke
what those shows I told you about have in Visa).
common. He waited patiently. WHITEY & TABRY
We had a brainstorm. What about au-
UNCOMMONLY GOOD PHOTOGRAPHY FOR WED. 'l'isu rr*d SPY k) YOUIC smart wills a sense o4 humor. Yourr a 31)-
thors who abuse each other? DINGS ANt) PARTIES. Colo« h,k and white; hand coe ish gu Jeiish AND sex. Leto o hase lisa. SPY Box 98.
He did not think we could get on The Ing
oCaII Trey Lord at ihn Photograph) Buteau: (212)
Bon1our Teir rk la Dsnd! Hope ta ai muds uso as badarlur #1
Donahue Show. told mc t would br Wanna niakr breaJ' Chunkey monkey
misses 5W.
We decided to shop for another publicist. GIFTS
One publicist told us that our hook FREE GIFT WORLDS ZANIF.ST WHOLE SALE CATA
LOG. Vdcos. ekttonic 0e HATS Mind Candy Einpsxium.
could become known only if we became Box 931457S, Hollywood, CA 91X195.
known. This publicist :old us the story of Stand Sm1I. Ameoica! WEENIES FOR RUSH button, $2.
Aeschylus, who was killed by a tortoise 8ox42044.Ph,u.. PA 19101. EVERYBODY'S A WINNER!
dropped by an eagle flying overhead that UNIQUE POSTER (23' X 35') dcpscto maje iíutaIia 01 12 Mark Laiswell goes inside the
mistook Aesehyluss bald head for a rock. animals (man co while). $10: POster M, Box 1348, NY, NY proliferating, promiscuous world
Just one day after Aeschylus died, the pub- of prizes and awards

Ikist said, his play The Suppliant Women, L N T E R TA I N M L N T

which had been sparsely attended and IIIZROCK - Annual Repon Vt's. IO great song paro
Guy Martin on this country's
(hes md. Jap Rap. Insider Trathn. Ekicazroika. Madison Ave
about to close, was sold out. That could Mart. 011ko Gül, Suxkbrok« on ihr Line, nc. Send $9 99 ih«k ever-increasing similarity to her
AAnbaI Rayon Prodi. 67 W. 69th SI . #IC. NYC 10023.
happen to you,' the publicist said. II)

Album oc CaSS(IIr We also do punies. potato-shaped sister to the east

The last publicist we questioned was a HIP. UVE MUSIC by BLUE MOO. Duo or Band. All o«sssons.
depressed young woman who insisted we Aisywhete. (2011462.5555. THE RISE AND FALL OF AN
meet at her apartment because Sasha, her AMERICAN SUPERSTAR!
M&i Salem Mentalisi Exira,,rdinaurc, musd games thai kasc
t'su birahkss. Sprllbinshng CflIC(IOIflmCiiI AB(TV. All OVER A TWO-WEEK PERIOD.
parakeet, couldn't be left alone. Sasha was casions, Call 1212)974.5500. IN BRAZIL.
in precarious health. The publicist held the
Esprrrn(rsl book: wiitrt/lyîxísi seeks Ikoadway.styk umposcr'
l)ird in her lap and brushed her with a arranRet wiih satirical hCIlI IO .ollaboealr On high-spoiled musoal MR. PERELMAN BUILDS HIS
(Omedy seo in courisoiniested Mrxko. Sinne scandasd (otk tunes II)
toothbrush as we talked. Even if I could arrange. tunes io wiitr. oiheiwisc show is compkir. No pay DREAM HOUSE
get you PublicitY for the book,' she said, yet. but work will hr peodsxvd with ¿n rye II' ßroadwny or W.
Send IrSUm. sample cAaseIIr lo: Mexko. 99 Chrysiir St. #3. ALSO
which is highly, highly doubtful, what's New Yo4.. NY 10002.
the difference? Fifty years from now, two How to handle an Usi; Joseph
AT TO R N C Y Heller's long-lost sitcom oeuvre;
weeks, you wont be here, I won't be here,
Your Mid-Wcsi Aornev loe Rusinesy A ftnonal manera. Gra' and o chat with some advance
your hook won't he here. Nothing lasts.' ham Catkon (3121 328-0400. men for Jesus
We gave up looking for a publicist.


1_I ri - _ i -I- U I-1 doubt, but by that :'eoy token it is not clear to me. Of spent it. Then I start worrying about what
coarse, as Dan Quayle would put it, my type of I am going to spend on whatever it is I am
thinking is out oftouch and out oforder.
R. B. meant ro spend the expense-account
money on. What the eighties keeps doing
is drawing another advance. I blame it on
1. Lapdog ¡s a term George Will used for the Japanese - when they introduced sushi
George Bush in a column, back before over here and Americans developed a taste
Bush became a pit bull. Will has also ex- for those little raw dabs of marine life, it
George ßtith is now president of the United pressed disdain for Dan Quaylc, prediccing broke down the age-old taboo against eat-
Stales; I did not prevent it. At the end of the that Quayle will flOt be trusted to handle ing your bait. After a while, what have you
campaign i did submit a partisan statement to even the more serious foreign funerals. got left to fish with?
the Times Op-Ed page, bui they rejected it. Will has also come out in favor of higher 26. Hit at crime rearranged Cgoofily). lt
Here it is, many days late and dollars short taxes. Will Will, who used to lunch with worked for the Bush campaign. Inciden-
(which could be the story o/the Bush era): Nancy, be lunching with Barbara, or even tally, have you noticed that critics often
Could I make a quaint. belated. entirely atoo! Marilyn? Will Will be dismissed as a lib- apply the adjective goofy to Bush? Another
statement about the 1988 presidential (ha!) eral? \X'ell, wc'll see. (To follow closely is break for Bush Americans like Disney
campaign? to dog; a lap is a runaround.) characters.
i voted/or t/)e liberal Democrat because lin one. 9. Yale gush'll rearranged (in a way). 28. The heads' of teeny, tiny and elephant
AIo I dread getting stuck in a cab with 11. 1 tifa r.g. backward, are t, i and e. Inside Ron.
someone u'ho argues like George Bush. Why would I
want him to represent me?
18. To "ankle in a huff is one meaning of DOWN
You don t bave io tell me liberal Democrati do stamp etti, to dcscroy is another.
embarraising things. Criticize Ameria, pander 21. P.e. breaking into beer. 2. L)onald Regan rearranged.
shameIei/y to the dispossessed and ro on. But I try to 23. Charges and S. A new term for credit- 3. D.A., yo andf(the musical symbol for
:nake sense of politici in ternit of words. And l've card prosperiry, or what Lloyd Bentsen, in loud") plus mood backward.
never heard a liberal Democrat cubveri the language his debate wich Dan Quayle, referred to as 8. Jim Harrison, the Michigan poet-novel-
by (for example) (ailing his opponent as Bush has hot checks. There's a great old gospel song ist whose mustache has often been likened
called Dukakis tite jo-railed Stealth candidate. called Jesus Dropped the Charges." Per- to Pancho Villa's, reveals in The Paris Re-
Dukakis. though he rook a higher road than haps all Americans, of whatever faith, had vieu', .1 usually dance a half-hour a day to
Bush, i shorter and darker. He has heavier eye-
beter start singing that song. Or perhaps Mexican reggae music with fifteen-pound
6rou's. To attach the word stcalth ¡o him was to stir
Reaganes.jue luck will prevail in the Bush dumbbells. I guess it's aerobic, and the
cubrational perepiions of shiftiness. That was one
justification for referring to him as the Stealth can- administration and the economy will still weights keep your chest and arms in
didate. A trashy just:/i cation. be able to flout the bottom line. An indica- shape. I can't tell you how envious I am of
Another justification would be that Dukaku fa- tion that economy-linked fortune might this exercise. I know Harrison, and al-
tored development of the Stealth bomber. As. I shine upon Bush came during the cam- though I don't recall any such behavior on
gather. he does. But so does Bush and Bush a- paign when rumors arose that The Wash- his part in those places (barrooms) where I
cused Dukakis ofopposing the Stealth technologies. lag/on Post was about to publish a story have run ¡rito him, L do not doubt that he
To call Dukakis the Stealth candidate, then, n'as confirming rumors that Bush had commit- would do improvised Latin dances while
a way ofreinforcing aJilse accusation while imput- ted adultery, which stirred urgent selling pumping, or waving, iron at home. And it
ing lo Dukakis the pejorative connotations of the suits his work. lt doesn't suit mine. But
that caused the stock market to plunge.
name of a weapons system Bath also favors. Tras/ii-
nest compounded.
The Post denied that it had such a story, what workout would? The last aerobic ex-
But Bus/i went further. He called Dukakis the and stock prices recovered. Talk about safe ercise I can remember that came from my
so-caUcd Stealth candidate u/len the only person sex! Many spouses, if they felt no one could heart was running up and down flights of
uho called Dukakis that Bush. With great reveal that they were running around ex- Brooklyn brownstone stairs with two chil-
restrain! I would liken this ploy to blowing your cept at the risk of setting off a market dren in my arms, and that was years ago.
nose. showily. yet stealthily, on someone else 's sleeve. crash, would feel golden. That's probably (My son can now dunk.) No wonder The
You can say to mc that Russians would rather why I am not at home in the I 980s: I have Paris Review has never interviewed me.
deal with a conservative Republican . If this is so, il trouble feeling golden. If I've got, say, When we got into the arca of exercise, I
is because Russians do Plot have a high enough opiel- $500 of expense-account money in my would have to mumble, Oh . . . stationary
ion of the American character. Also because con-
Pocket, I fecI gilded, but only until l've bicycle . . tennis . . . The Paris Review
servative Republicans make it easierfor Gorbachev
to look like a liberal Democrat.
doesn't want o embarrass me. So. Several
I grew up in the Sooth in the 1950s and '60s. large dogs to toss into the air? Hogsheads
and therefore you may say that i have a peculiar to bang together? Buckets of sand to drive
bias against conservatic'es (Lester Maddox) and es- my typing fingers into? But it's not just
penally against conservative Repu/ilkans (Strom elements of heft and grit we're after here,
Thurmond. i.e. , Lester Maddox for the n'e/I of). but also of eurythmy. Backflips to whale
So sue me. When I was grou'ing up, liberal Demo- song? Synchronized swimming to gut-
(rats were people of spiri!, and ¡o are they now. bucket blues? Something. Liberals have
sometimes. Ai the height of011iemania my Washing-
got to get z.'igorousagain. I'll tell you this: I
ton lawyerfriend RufFant happened ¡o drive past a
federal building as Oliver North emerged from it to
voted for Dukakis, but I'm not going to go
the sound of spontaneous street-4rouid buzzabs. Ruf out walking with Heavy i-lands. A heavy
did what anyone with pride in America should have heart, yes.
done: stuck his head out of his car window and 24. P in site. We are talking healthy,
hollered, 'Sbame! Shame! wholesome malice here, a kinder and gen-
How in the world did liberal Democrats get to be T C I C E S T tler malice, a malice of compassion and
so out offasbion? The answer is obvious io Bush, no ['A sis HIO'LES hope.)
Make enraged phone call. Eddie, the knucklehead
mechanic, says car not road-rested at high Incredibly, a gentleman answers the
speeds. Take it to nearby trans shop CShop phone, listens patiently to my story, asks
B), agree on phone with Sam, boss at pertinent juestions, expresses credible
Shop A, to have X done, for which self will sympathy and, over the course of th next
pay, to be reimbursed by A. Begin renting fi'e hours, does the following: calls Shop
car for pers. use. Days later, pick up real A, mediates in a conference call between
car, drive 100 feet, hang. zoom. whole them and self, hunts down vacationing

TROUBLE thing caves in, comes ro dead halt. Have

towed back to B. On phone with A. agree
to have trans taken clown (low three
Sam, mediates in conference call between
Sam and self, brings disputing parties to-
gether in mutually acceptable compromise.
figs.) but have work done. Done. Prob-
fl() -I used to be a saksman. the attorney
How does a car uork? lem with rear. Shop A: We'll tow it back generals man says while Sams wife, at
here and fix it. Tell them to put the trans- Shop A, summons Eddie the Mechanic.
Why does it break/ mission in a l)OX. (Self. to self: 'I'/'ii is what Now yourc on the other side of the
it 'J ome to? A box?) fence, I say. How do you like this job?
How can youJix it? Why me? Days pass, tow truck arrives, driver tells l love this job. I would do this for free.
me he hasn't slept in 36 hours. Ha ha, next Mole touching than this, in the realm of
chapter in comedy Or yikes, not funn) car civil service, it doesn't get. The grown-up,
BY ELLIS WIUNFI itself in grave peril? Hoist car, load box, determined not to l)C pushed around and
watch truck tow car away. Like seeing rda- made a sap of while he is being pushed
Previously in How to Be a Grown-up: rive being carted off to prison, sort of. around and made a sap of, thinks. Gee. You
Sclfand wife N.Y. for two-day child-
if) ineaz it 5 poisibl. i?! New York, io redoIve
.1 have recently descended into the hell
free holiday. Call Shop A. Need new rear disputes uithoui hiring either lawyers or Luca
of major car repairs (che trans broke. was
fixed, and broke again. taking other viral
unit, &t cost approaching four figures. In Brasi? lt's enough to make one think
cash. Betre work commences. Tomorrow. aboii r rexon ing one s cynicism.
car organs with it). . .

Silk: Less what I paid Shop B, right? As Not that ones cynicism should be gerry-
o Naturally I in the

mandered out ofexisrcnce entirely. No, not

end, to obtain complete
when there is this Amusing Development:
P satisfaction, as regards both
the ruadworthiness of the tWo brackets that mount the crans to the
car are missing. Low three figures. (Mislaid
vehicle and the disbursements I have bcn
by Shop A' By Shop B? Bounced off truck,
obliged to outlay for rental cars, etc. . . . I he groti '?i-iip thinks,
unseen by sleep-deprived row-trucker?
Courageous. if stupid, words. I think I Speculation rife as 1)0th sides disclaim re-
knew even then that my quest would be in You mean it's possible to resolve sponsibility. ) No. one's native paranoia
vain. And yet I learned something from about car repairs remains, not only Lindi-
this experience, something that has made minished but somehow enhanced.
me a better man, a better human being, a
(IiSl)UtCS vithout hiring either
But to meet one perfectly reasonable,
better grown-up. I learned about life. I intelligent person, working for the state of
learned about human fallibility. I learned lawyers or Luca Brasil New York, who will hclp solve this sort of
about automatic transmissions. Problem without seeking money either
Rather than bore you with the details, over the counter or under the tal)le, with-
let me bore you with the general pl()t: per agreement with Sam the Boss' out exercising influence for a future quid
Drive iflto Manhattan one Sun. a.rn. Car MAN AT SHOP A: No. Sam on vacation. }ro juo, without even asking you to prove
hemorrhages transmission fluid, smokes Sitting on the edge of the hotel bed in your bona fides - this, if not actually in-
and roars its way through Holland Tunnel, my underwear. freezing, I do what just spiring, is at least very nice. And let not the
comes to dead halt. Have it towed co about anyone would do. Granted, to Dan grown-up sneer at nice. counts. In
nearby, open-all-the-time garage ( Shop Q uaylc that means one thing: phone a city in which the difference between cyni-
A). Israelis. Big color photo of Lubavitcher Mother and Father. But the plain fact is, CiSfl) and realism is increasingly academic,

rebbe on wall of cramixd office, like wife's most of us don't know the Quayles home one OUOCC of niceness from an interaction
grandmothers framed Sun.-supplement number. So I call the Department of Motor with actual people can neutralize this much
pix of JFK and pope. Yikes, Jewish Vehicles and am given a number for the excess theoretical l)ile about he world.
mechanics, contr. in terms? Or whew, car off Lemon Law ofiice. According to a secre- What does it all mean? It means that for
street, in hands ofpious men of G-d' tar)', They should be able to affiliate you every two had garages there is one good
Return two days later, hand over cash- with someone who can help you. civil servant. Of) a deeper level, it means
¡ers check for low four ñgures, drive off. lt turns OUt tO b the Atwrney General's don't have a car. It means if you do have a
Downshift feels like coronary arrest, makes Oflice. Wow, now to flex some consumer car, don't drive it. And finally, it means if
grinding noise. Ninety mnutes lacer. trans muscle? Or uh-oh, pip-squeak car corn- you do have a car and you do drive ir,
caves in. Hobble home in second gear. plaint too puny, get outra here you don't use the transmission.

MARCH 19895PY 115

-I-I-I tjri-i-v--i

Crosswo rd Puzzle
1. Will term lot Bush 2. Former White House
follow closely after chief of scaffdisrortcd by
runaround? (6)
rage. (5)
5. Put Ed through the mill.
3. Prosecutor. yo! Loud
nor up in thc air. (8)
mood coming up for the
9. In a way, Yale gush'll be
infernally ill-lavored. (4.2.4) Last Roundup. (3.2.4)

lo. Sharp wail. (4) 4. Go pisa up a column. (6)

1 1. Handwriting on wall: What we whipped the
1 fight a right guard
British with -chest-
back. (8)
pounding and roaring. we
12. Negative bones deal is
hear. (8.7)
ofr. (2.4)
13. Parry. party for dead (Alternate spelling.)

bird. (4) 6. Line is so muddled by

15. Stags lap collapses. slippery quality. (8)
Bush Era Speia/ and the rest is silence. (4.4)
7. Knead distraughdy,
18. Destroy ankle in a
nude. (5)
hLt. (5.3)
8. Worked our in high
19. Open ruin. (4)
21. Interruption oídrink dudgeon. (9)
by gym class alerts doctor 14. Oh, nuts, toe broken:
or drug dealer. (6) not getting along. (2,3,4)
23. Accusations satisfactory
16. Least sanitary can make
as Reaganomic bounty.
guest grin. (9)
(8) (Newly coined word.)
2.5. Trash headless bear. (4) 17. A drOOlin' weird dead

26. Hit at crime gooMy it thing. (8)

Ldds up. (10) 20. Big nerworker?
27. Nothing in drunken
Somewhat! (6)
hassles with jerks. (8)
22. Strike Timej head. (5)
28. Decayed teeny tiny
elephant heads inside the 24. Malice of sPY's heart in

Gipper. (6) place. (5)

Th anjwers to ¡he Un-Briiii/, Crossword appear on page 1 14.

-- SK.fl. 4 il..
C...dly L....?

D.- Dtt,i. ...d ,h.t
P. Pr.,dh,..'-.

.,,,dIk. k,6,.

M '.3 0

Includes: ALL FOR JUST

Over 450 different faces-300 never-before published! s69; At bookstores now
Chapter introductions only SPY could have produced
An 41Essentially Useless Index" Published by DOLPHIN/DOUBLEDAY
CC) Iladen-Guest, spy's 1988
Ironnian Nightlife 1)ccath-

Page 4 Scn Am.. W.nk (krgee gruding nonstop all-night-
Pog.*i I 1-1 2. to Arg.h iim. Photo (81ecdmon). AP/Wid.
WcW IDR. Nozs. Ro Golilla (A1,iuj every-night training regi-
Poq. 30 Ron W&ntO.dO F.oiw, }fl$efnOhOnaI (5anhj; tl/
8.Pmor. Nwphoo. (Ekkch; Ro. Golilla (Ouirw). men in anticipation of the
Pogs 31 L?/1q.tnonn N..sphoc. (3nK .ogon Ouayhj; AP/ i 989 Ironman semifinals.
Wd. WoId (DiAo&.s
Po9. 32: P*ciohii (Pio His arrn around two unidentified well-wishers and his eves
po9. 34 D.ho (Kopor". FPG pod)
Page 36 Randy Dunbw on a third (ah',ze), Haden-Guest SCCII1S to long k)r another
P.9. 40 C G4l. P.,.si/Mo9nwo P$oo, kc )Bv);
NY Do Ne.s (Whan.y); VOIQIn Kohano/Stocing Siot (Fo*I.
set (.)f limbs that would
., NY Pois )Son d Sam). Roo Goi.Io (Tturç OCtO1)USSiShl,' increase his
po9. 42: H ÑmsIrong Robi (De. Nich).
Pog. 46. P,vìk.d Finn )co$.00). grope-an(l-snugg!e radius - a
p.9. 31: UPt/k$Worw N.o,pko*os WCil.ndO,. APÍWd. WoM
criti(a! eømpønent in any win-
Pog. 52 H AtmUon9 Rob.m ¿coni4 rung lronman performance. At
Pog 34. Moitho Soop. ( Domond. Wuioovil.
P.9. 56 Bu Ak/NV Tin Sudo (F'onl&). G&b and former Iiøt Sj)Ot M.K.(righi).
Ro.-ibd cow*oy al 71i Nw Yod Tm.s
Pog.. 3$-59: Ro.orn. Rub.niun/Psopl. W..&y/C I 986 Lia. important novelist Jay Mcm-
Ii' -): Siaca Aon.. W.Òi
Page 6 1
on Aua.. WiiI )Bsigr).
erney. past master of the Sul-
Poyp &4 ick .¼MdIOn (GiU.t) len, Dopey Literary Stare, takes a few pointers in Don
po9., ò L.wm/NYC (hou)
Pog. 66 RObSdi (load); Frsdstic tians (wduogro-)
AUTiIIVCO9 Knotts-ian facial expressiveness from Haden-(ì uest . Stand-
'1h. Sioch Shop )&oanng blood). ( j.ø,., R..,d/

The . p )pulh)
ing uncomfortably close to
po9. 73 1 Aiiiotig (orni). c Hany J Piz.kop/
1h. $ioc4 shop )pilI,); C Dcli Lig.oflh. S'odi Shop (mon).
Ct another unidentified
Ç Hmb Sm'z.n/Th. Sodi Shop (chiai). .
well-wisher (left) . Haden-
po9. 74 i; Damd AR*/Th. Stock Shop (òc Fr.d.IIC Liwi.
Guest inexplical)ly hears

NYC ( H. Amiiiong Rob.ia (need.. nI.gnio).
P.9. 76 london F.oajan iwnot.onoI )5ad.) Coniia 8ctbo,.n. j . down hard perhaps to re-
MOVQUOIOS bLandi. I 902. Fo&nivng Mutian. Eu.n. Giamony
(Goug'n), Aa Resouic. fGnowJ; Ron Godlo (lazai). lease some of the hcr-
Pog. 77 Gooudon/M Riacuqc. (P.coio). Mdoiiy 50VI9IIOIiO/RO
Goud(5u; Wohn MceI.dI/hInO Lid. (Diaii.k). ornonish unidentified-well-
Johonuø/Ou'in. Pisos (Oans); i.s Dmno.oia dAnJyon (1907).
on cannas, 8 o 78. Cca.duon. th. Muiia,n d Madoni Ast. Nm

'isher-attractirig man-
You1 Acqoiad ifvah th. tRi. P. BLu kquiai. musk he is falfl()L1S for.
Pog. 7$. Ron Wo$icn/London F.oMia INsino%onaJ P4Onnd).
Rocky Widr*/R.jna Ud. (Ruchoids); Fd..o Noci,u/Gl )Ocoi.&(. Ail
P.iai.c. (Schial.. lop); 5 Ponioi With Ann Tmiu.d Above Ksod.
c 1910 PvivCoIh.on)Schs,.,boitom)
YPRANCING At the c;reat American (;liibhouse, Haden-
Pa9s 79 Ron GoLda tSn&iWg(. UPI/B.itmaa. N.wnphob
)Gob&(. Tho Miaropohion Aiwjffi cl Ail. Anonymous GA. 1983
Guest performs nw Jittle-known. I m-J ust-a-'cX'orking-
1983 2 I I (8oio); Ail R.,oi*c. (Bo;on;). Kohol Cohctcn Man-from-Bristol. leg-over-leg version of the twist with a
(5chwocz.negge); NY 0a4 Nwi (Hog.) Th. Melody Hounli My
R.viaia 4 I 98 I by VAGA. Nia. Yonk and 8&LDKUNST, Bairn stonyfaced (lance-floor persuaclee, whose subsequent sniirk
(LicÑsnis..n); truco taninen/Pholoinpodmi )Pakmo PLcaso) All
SCCfl1S tO Say, Im t/tiiìg this oi i (hire. Strutting and pL1ting
R.ioiirc. )lágrn),
pa9. SO; Coinssy V$oirn and Aibein Minium (B.OldI1Iy Woman his way through a ery personal. very cathartic. Mick Jag-
and B.cycl.. 1952-53 (D. Koonir, Idi), Mottm/Sca4a/Att
R.saitc. (D. Kooiang, aghi); Roi. Hodnazi )M&4$. Moruno Cornici ger-esque bougie reverie. Haden-Guest takes first place in
)Rdlwnrnic.. Choazing); 8on GalillO (Sinifi. MOnoil). Th. lrwngu.
1 890. Konmklijk noci Scion. Kvnii,n. AM.erp lirmoi); (
his own one-maci conga line. even though his enthusiasm
Maih R.uni*n/Phaion.ponmn (8eagon( Chai. os (Nci.1ion) exceeds his l)OdVS tuherlike pliability
Scolo/Agi Riawc, (Van Gogh. nhi); Mu*és â. Bol,, Liig,dot,on
Rudo8 (Von Gogh. hiti; Siirnal/Gøhl$o )Hun?. ChciL
Anthony Si*.gnorm/Goh$o Vonowi); Coi. PaiL.. 1Homme ou
Doig*. co. 1947 op I9hII. Soda/Ast R.ioi*c.
(Giacot. IOwci hh and bouma righil: icily Wochiui/Iocu on
Sporn (Bol); Karen Hardy/London lsøiicuu Mcinaiond (DoSa.)
peg. si Ron CalcIO (Gos... Munndl. Bid); Gin. Trinri/Glohi Phm
01 (Hown), Bondnno Con (Modigloni); Smso1/OahIia
(Durai), Momo Cornici (Ro.Iwn); P.* C . Boisori )BriLulàn); Roznan.
mod' (Zarca); Chuch Pulir/Sin' Fil. )Kun4 Nain Cuilsi/Glob.
Pizoloi Baigna.); Ponro.t oSo ?#on, 1622 Oiainwozih. The ADEMOISELLES DE THE
Chaluwodi Houi Toni 4øIu. ligid). Poiino.i ai w.rion Czoia. Apse
Piloholhih. Munich Hob. m.ds). Ai' Riaource (Moie. b. Moai..
(19511 Old op Wi). Scalo/M Riaounce Moor.. bco.n hfr, Doccia. derfu Ijewelry and
Gloso); Anihony Salnß0000/ROn CaSe4o (Smith. Sh.. Jci*i
Hoinihoc fGiuhon4 tchotchke designer
Pog.. 82-13 Frederic Icon/NYC (woman); Fron Colin (Tubock).
Po9e 8$ Kobol Cølhchon (Domney Jr.. lobock)
Paloma Picasso mes-
Po9ei 90-9t . sop. Tb. Siock Shop: bøitoin Pesci Avachi merizes designer Aga-
Page 99 Dugin Piinniai (Suigai Rani); Jenny Lynn (Hanau Kai).
Pag. i 00 cialeui I 987 Fusi L. Gould/Images
ICoulsilo), c tua Ruiz with her
(Main), 5ljI/ Pc,w.s (Dun.oMcs), Soto Barril
. .\fl

demonstration of that
pa9. loi Gerald Zugasorsi/The oS Modern An t'icw You
age-old party trick in
ICoop HinamBilas). Soto Barril (Miau Repubhe. Luisis. Msijicn.
which you try co touch
Pog. 102 Soro Barree (mau loaf. cancMiuichil; Nick, Couva )iiic.s
,OUr lips simulta-
Pog. I IO H Aimseong Roberts (unoa on phoani.
Pagss i i I-I 19 Jalas Simon. )* dancing). Poirick
iieouslv ti.) your OOSC
McMulon (dl ndssu iiodon.G,mui), Ron Gohia WIk).
Tomnu Arroyo/Ron Golilla (Sialoac). Ros. Hautmor
and your chin. And
LionoacuL Kouiabi. Bynn.( al oihouu. Manzo Gambi shes done it I)rinks
all around!

HOWDY! Apparently the hot uew rnaching vest) beneath the strucwrally unsound. bronto-
ugly garment is the plaid x)Iyest(r SdUtLIS-lik(.' combInation of jumbo head aiI we litrk neck.
sports coat. of (he SOf( pOpLIIariZCd Meanwhile. Terry Sweeney impersonator Mark Kostahi
by Jack-in-the-Box francIiisi.s. kmon-flavored [)acrongctup,
(right). ¡n a licorice-and-
Overage Jaix-nauf David Byriu seems to make a cer- _________ Cain kind of!ove to the cam-
models a whit-rrash a(lua-aI1d-srt-o(-PL1rplc tartan (with era with his reptilian u)mc-hither look.

Jill-of-all-trades Tarna
Jaiowitz. modclirìtz
clothes at a Bersey
Johnson show during
fashion veek. contin-
0eS (O validate tht
jU(lglflt'fl( of her men-
cor. former .\ U 'l'i'4t ' editor \Villiam Shawn. (lis horiziipital
.Ir1Pe.0 t/)11 iakt (j// look thinpier.
'iR/'P) I.ater. shows off the
knees that made her the I11O(leI she
is - in L piece from johnsons
- Lowrider Ladv collection (note
the fh)ral-seat-cover-print strapless
skirt and the sombrero with flufFc-
dashboard-trim piping).

rrim?n no- Just outside his
longer-Luite-so-ban k - limo. Bruce Willis surrepti-
ahle actor-artist-ho- tiously hands off his baby.
mLlnculus Sylvester Ruiner. ti) a hired baby-
Stallone growls as he h.n J i er.

sits astride a life-size

n)u)rcvcle (with kick-
stand down for sakr
driving) and models
an inexplicable jacket
ut I)l)S(tIfV origin and.
we can only ¡resut1e.
ridiculous price.

L RUB-A-DUB-DUB Gossip colum-

ntstpotcnual Antichrist
matchmaker R . Coon I-lay
VAftcr being under the sun- (right) does his level best U)
laffli) ; too long. dwarf bi!- ignite a companionable spark
lionaire I.arrv Tish puts on a between reclusive shy-guy
fitise mustache and goes look- writers Bret Easton Ellis and
¡ng for thrilling high jinks. Quentin Crisp.
a\X'illtully boyish I)is-
Iwy "'p lichtcl his- BUT
ncr. who had never YOUR HONOR . . . D()OfllCd junk
before been plu)(o- bond suzerain t ike M ilken.
grapheil eith another making the fl)St of his kw re- -

htintn being. makes maining pretrial outings. has -..;'-

1 kt jCLk)US E)y pos-

i1. L)eefl (kv()nug himself to beimig aí
ini. wb an adniiriniz photograhcd Zelig-like.. tc OLD PEOPLE, PARTY OF FIVE?

tiiil )VeU. c1urit (VCflt'.. ThAT'U. BE TABU 22

MARCH 198') SPY I 19



- -

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4r '.
. ./Ji/


t. i,

I%U I ti I I I%I U l%1 I I1 I%I II 1%'

in the old days meant squandering valuable linie packedfae-to-armpii with legions ofother grogpj siraphangers. 5ta in our Neu', Improved Neu'
York, the subu'ay train has gone the way ofihe jitney and the ricksha. Ride the Metropolitan Pneurnatk Tube Transport System andyou 'II arrive in
Manhattan before Ok can catch your breath. Faster than an interoffice memo, able to leap the East River in a single arc, the MPTTS operates on the
simple concept o/suc/ion. So step into your own u'ell-padded Pneuînato-Cylinder. lie back on the easily mopped vinyl lining and preparefor the 30
seconds ofsheer terror that have replaced black coffee as every morning pnesininziiters stimulant ofchoice. )


.e 2


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