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BONbS

NOSTALGIC KEEPSAKE!
FACSIMILE EDITION
OF OUR
1964 DEBUT ISSUE:
THE BEATLES,
THE WORLD'S FAIR, JFK
. AND MORE...

SPY GOES UNDERCOVER


i
IITN NENRY KISSINGER,

,>;ERV GRIFFIN,

/ItiIAM F. BUCKLEY JR.

i:í.
u _i

A
AND MZLCOIM FORBES

AT BOHEMIAN GROVE-TilE

ESTABLISHMENT'S

SECREI TWO-WEEK

FRAI PARTY

pLtI

RONALD REAGAN:
ULTRA-EXCLUSIVE
SPY INTERVIEW

HERMITS' HERMITS

DAVIII MAMETIIION, IIflOAD WAY


THE HOME VESTQN

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Culture Club
The lure of pearls frorìì Tiffany's
collection of cultured pearl a nd d i anond jewel r

TIFFANY & Co.


NEW YORK LONDQN MUNICH ZURICH HONG KONG
SAN FRANCISCO BEVERLY HILLS SOUTH COAST PLAZA DALLAS HOUSTON CHICAGO ATLANTA BOSTON OO.526.O4' T&CO. 1989
Perception.
lOin \\olle
I,c ]
Reality

For a new generation of Rolling Stone readers, it isth necessary to munch on magic mushrooms to
appreciate contemporary American literature. Ro11in Stone readers turn the pages of America's
best sellers at the rate of 13 million books a year. If you re looking for a highly educated. discerning
audience for your advertising message, you'll get great reviews in the pages of Roffing Stone.

cl r" vÌp1 , h1:L


t COVER
Phoogroph by Nei! ScIkir (bothcs);
Lsu Quinoncs8ock Star (Griffin hcod).
Gkbc Photos (Ks%ii1qcr hood).
StyIit: Barboro Tfank.

i:» : i
I -i- I%pI E I%J 1

GREAT EXPECTATIONS ........


(Further inkrrnotion or, page 24.)

o
NAKED CITY

The official correspondence of HUD honey Deborah Gore Dea,,. Angela Lansburyr raised.buttocks
cat arch and Sid Gaesars neck.dewattling tongue extensions. Billyjoel hires attack chickens. A nd complete coverage of
¡he lirnousinehiring policies ofrniddle-aged black celebrities ...................
': Y .
,
....
THE SPY MAP - .i --':_ 3 -X' .
y-o
Is New thrk getting too clean. too cute, too convenien:?J0HN BR0DIF and
BoB MAC!< lead a tour of Suburbanized Manhattan. Watch out for that sprinkler!
illustration by SL;s,%N FAbLA .............................................. Q
PARTYPOOP ................
NEW, IMPROVED NEW YORK

Harnessing A,nericac future. Illustrated by WILLIAM CoNF ................

FE 1-r Li FI
-

'. .1
INTO THE WOODS: BOHEMIAN GROVE CONFIDENTIAL

PHIL!? WEiss goes undercover for two weeks in a redwood forest north of San Francisco
and discovers rusticated former heads of state and power brokers like Henry Kissinger
Ronald Reagan, George Shuliz, Mery Griffin and %Valter Cronkite roughing it, establish-
ment style. ltc the annual Bohemian Ciubfiray into the wilds the supersecret, ultra-exclusive
Hell Week for the old and the influential, featuring spooky rituals, bawdy cross-dressing
and lots ofostentatious outdoor urination ............
(CURTAIN Up.) Fucx You. (CURTAIN DOWN.)
Q
- Vhen you think David Mamet, you think edgy street language. You think poker games. You think really short plays.
DAVID IvEs distills the cigar-chomping, black-turt/enecked great one four best-known full-length works, and shows
that short, punchy plays can be even shorter and punchier ....................
PRIVATES ON PARADE
Q
'Greta Garbo andj D. Salinger did it. So did dozens of others.
bq ROBERT TRACHTENBERG unearths 15 ofArnericar more spectacular recluses andPJ. CORKERY.
provides a how-to-be-a-recluse primer drawn froni the life of Doris Duke, patroness of Imelda

I.
Marcos and ruminant mammals .............................................
Q
SPY's 25TH-ANNIVERSARY COMMEMORATIVE KEEPSAKE ISSUE

'°Bonus: a facsimile reprint ofthe very first issue ofsPy November 1964 . . . .

Q
c * U r%I .'
w "HENRY DUTCH" HOLLAND í/eiunks the magic ofrepetition in Review of Reviewers;jÜF GILLIS explains the two
1%1 I
kinds offormerpresidents of The Webs news divisions; MACAULAY CONNOR on ¡he bad sports at the Ministry of Infor-
I. mation; why The Industry's agents will always be agents, according lo CELIA BRADY; MICHAEL
,\ 1

rs_-
KAPLAN investigates Real Estate recently inhabitedby corpses; andEl.LIS WEÏNERfind5 that learning
How to Be a Grown-up might involve wingedcreatures ........
Il

OUR UN-BRITISH CROSSWORD PUZZLE

............
o SPY (ISSN 08901759) is
'By Ro BLOUNTJR

publishod monthly by Spy Publishing Partners. The SPY Building. 5 Union Square Wesc. New York, N.Y. 10003. Submissions:
Send wich SASE co same address. For adsrrtising sales, call 2L2.633-65 50. © 1989 by Spy Publishing Partners, LP. Second.class postage paid as New York, N.Y..

u and additional mailing offices. Annual subscriprion racs: U.S. and possessions. $21.77; Canada, US$30: foreign. US$40. Postmaster: Please send address
changes co SPY. P.O. Box 3591 39. Palm Coast. FL 32035-91 39. For subscription information, caU: l-8004231780. Membcr, Audit Bureau of Circulations.
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'A taste of Heaven
before the trumpets blow."
Sandy Mime.
sialman & Reside,n Sage.

he word "elegant" crops up


time and again when experts
describe the taste oflhe Glenlivet
single malt Scotch.
Some say it's brought
about by the peculiar shape of
our pot stills.
Some say it's the smoke
of the peat cut from the nearby'
Faemussach peat fields.
Our own Sandy Mime
insists that it's the water from
Josies Well. flowing as it does
over
HighLand granite.
Whatever, the great Sir
Walter Scott long ago put ou
paper that The Glenlivet
"..is the only liquor fIt fòr a
gentleman..?'
We'll not argue with a
one of them.

OIENt VET

'.

'GLEt1i;
lzLRs:J

What is a single malt Scotch?


A single malt is Scotch the way it was originally: one single whisky,from one single
distillery Not, like most Scotch today, a blend ofmany whiskies. The Glenlivet
single niait Scotch whisky should therefore be compared to a château-bottled
The Glenlivet.
wine. Blended Scotch is ,nore like a mixture ofwinesfrom d(fferent vineyards. The Father of All Scotch.
1989 Imported by The Glenlive! Distuling Company N Y N Y 12year.old sngIe malt ScoCh whisky. AIc. 43% by l. (86 poot) The G)enlvet 's a re,stered trademack
-V
C
V
V
THINK OF IT: 25 NOVEMBERS SINCE
V
OUR FIRST ISSUE CAME ROLLING
V OFF THE LETTERPRESSES. IT HARDLY
V
V
seems possible. And now, after 25 years of
V
these monthly ruminations on the passing
X
V
V
parade, it's time u to forge a fresh
-V
V approach. We know, you've
E
heard these turn- ing-over-a-new-
V
leafoaths before. It was back in
X.
0.
September 1968, after all, that we an-
nounced Anti, our magazine-within-a-maga-
o
t zine featuring satirical reprints from the de-
V
veloping world - and not one issue ever ap-
peared. Injune 1975, didn't we vow to abandon a rather ugly
bigotry toward earnest white southern fundamentalists? And
didn't we renege in the fall, when Jimmy Carter started quot-
ing Dylan? And only last year we promised to stop dwelling
o
on the phony and hypocritical, the vain and overblownto
0.
V once in a while applaud the decent and good; but hypocrisy
and vanity have remained epi- . _ !.

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demic, and that 18,000-word i::


' ' .VITMPcIcq

profile of Bill Bradley still needs


N
.\
E
o work. , Nevertheless, we're
:"
i,,. determined to
reform. This
section of the
.

iL;' ink of it O
magazine has always depended for its struc-
ture on a relentlessly repeated phrase, a line
plucked from the day's events and turned
i
into an all-purpose ironic refrain. The techniquea rather in-
novative late-Beat gesture in 1964, still quite powerful in 1974
(remember the entire page of i am not a crooks?) is in dan-
1F0 ger of becoming purely a gimmick. "I'm not good at express-
' ing the concerns of a nation:' George Bush confessed to a TV
interviewer recently. In the
past we would have grabbed
that sound bite out of con-
2) Novem bers text and run with it, smear-
nc tc minine AvPr vrv-

more. Lifting a technique from stand-up comedy, we will impro-


vise, relying on suggestions from the audience. Help us out
here. . God! All right, God. Others? . Fright! Boo-
.Lr
..
gers! Fine, that should be enou ( Crying! ( Okay, ter-
u rific. Let's do it. "We Bushes:' the president told that same
rs!-*
interviewer, "cry easily' After just 10 or 15 years ofNew Manu-
ness, it's come to this? It wouldn't have happened before (You
know, we Nixons, we well, we cryfairly easily, I'm told), although

it does sound like a wisecrackingJFKism:Jesus, Pierre, he might

have said after a rough press conference, tell them to take it


NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 9
easy don't they know' we Kennedys cry easily? sideredJohn Lennon a livinggod (or did, America's go-go adversaries abroad are
Today; instead oflvy Leaguers' doomed anyway, retroactively, after he was killed), still on a roll, Japan is now officially the
$109.5 billion wars on Vietnamese corn- but now that Yoko has sold the rights to world's richest nationat last count,
munists and Texans' doomed muiribillion- his drawings to be printed on MasterCards everything injapan, including the land it-
dollar wars on pover we get a Texas Ivy and Visas. he's charge-plate filigree. self, was worth $43.7 trillion, The U.S., by
Leaguer's doomed $7.9 billion war on co- Strauss Zelnick was three years old contrast, has a breakup value of only
caine. Indeed, all of this fall's problems when the Beatles were playing all-night $36.2 trillion, So what: we've still got
seem o involve once-fashionable powders gigs in Hamburg, but he burned to be one heck ola free-enterprise system. Con-
being inhaled in our decaying cities: an chiefexecutive officer ofTwentieth Centu- fex Inc. (headquartered, needless to say,
asbestos-lined steam pipe was exploding ry Fox. Zelnick graduated from Harvard in New Jersey) is selling tons of a candy
pretty much weekly here. Why does Man- Law School andBusiness School and now, called Boogers. "With Boogers' the presi-
hartan have 400-degree poisonous steam at 32, has been named CEO ofFox. "This dent of Confex says, "we've hooked into
coursing through ancient underground is what I wanted to do when I was three' something culturally significant:'
tunnels? Why is real life suddenly Bat man he reminds us. "lt's kind of frightening, Why is it that American victors in all
and Ghosthusters II, with subterranean isn't it?" A true man of his generation: fields are increasingly triumphant by
special-effects infrastructure disasters overweeningly ambitious and says so, default, winning at a game not worth win-
and Reagan still smiling after he gets a hole straight out, with a charming smirk, ning or against opponents not worth
drilled in his head? This must be what Vestron, the ultra-eighties movie corn- beating? Like Boogers. Bush, Dinkins
acid flashbacks are like, pany that Zelnick worked for last, has had and Giuliani. Even Notre Dame. Earlier
God? Jim Bakker, his wife said from its line ofcredit pulled. Cineplex Odeon, this season, the Fighting irish beat Vir-
beneath her full thickness ofmakeup, "has the ultra-eighties chain oftheaters respon- ginia 36 to 13. For most of the game,
been treated like a carnival show;' and in sible for the 7 ticket, is desperate for a Notre Dame's man said, "we played like a
Cambridge the leader of another once- buyer. Two subsidiaries ofKoh!berg Kravis bottom-20 team:' "We haven't been that
influential cult played barker to a group RL)berts, the ultra-eighties over-leveraged- bad' said the Virginia coach, "in a long
ofstudents. He told them the person who buyout firm, cannot meet their current time:' This could be the nineties theme
occupies his position "sets the tone, the debt payments. And Alcott & Andrews, we've been waiting for: competitive self-
course, the way" for his followers. 'And;' the ultra-eighties chain of career-gal deprecation, one-downmanship. lt's too
New Yorker editor Bob Gottlieb added, clothing stores, has filed for bankruptcy. early to say, but we think we've hooked
"he's treated as a living god" We con- It's kind of frightening, isn't it? into something culturally significant. )

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ANIMAL LOGIC is the brand new album, featuring the first single "There's A Spy (In The House Of Love)"

io sri' NO\'EMBER 1989


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1I(EN
rAHL
No killer bees. No monkeys who can drive. No .:Tv
treasure maps found in varicose veins. None of that stuff.
Us Magazine presents only entertainment news
and information; better focused and more comprehensive
than People. With 5 million readers per issue and average
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aredtjust the target, they're the bullseye. The Entertainment Magazine:


THE
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Susan Mothon
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H.nry Alford Bob Mock Iddio Siam Roch.I Urquhoit
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RI '4 ARI 1115k PHIJIR) A1.IkTANT
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PP(jf1
DEAR EDrroas hank you for compil- barrassment ifyou show up embedded in
From the spy mailroom: We are in re-
ing your exclusive, un- Adolf's coffee table or, worse yet, in the
ceipt of an empty hoirnet packetyes,
authorized index to The Andy Warhol body of Hermann Göring.
an empty hairnet packetthat came
Diariej (August]. Perhaps you could pub- Also, regarding TV's Time Tunnel ['A
Scotch-taped to the following: "Dear
lish a similar index for each issue of spy. Great Way to Meet Chicks: A Highly
Editors: Could you please confirm [the
Sure, you may spend weeks working on an Selective Guide to Popular Time-Travel
model on the packet] as Shelley Hack in
issue, but with the help ofsuch an index, MychologÇ byjohn Brodie, August): how
a hairnet Sincerely,
no one would have to spend more than 15 come those guys always turned up where
Jayne Falcon, Ridge-
seconds (let alone 15 minutes) reading something historically important was oc-
wood, New Jersey."
, Word has clearly
reached Ridgewood
your magazine.
Carl Pfirman
curring and where everybody (even an-
dent Greeks) spoke perfect English?
Dallas. Texas John A. R.uszkowski
that we've expanded
Yot mean like "Pfirman, Carl, snide letters King, North Carolina
our entire range of reader services. Our
to the editors of spy written from Dallas
spacious new offices are so silly with
by, page 17? I
elbowroom that the SPY Hair Accessories
Department, which is handling Ms. FaI-
DEAR EDITORS was driving out of
Boston on the South-
con's request, is no longer even exiled to
DEAR EDI'roas nteresting to hear the east Expressway. Over the radio came a
a separate floor. (True, bringing Hair Ac-
autobiographical reve- bulletin from a traffic reporter in a heli-
cessories into the SPY HQ vortex required
lation from red-nosed exChicago Seven-er copter. Avoid the expressway, he warned,
the unfortunate displacement of a por-
Tom Hayden that he once ran into and there's been a multicar crash in Milton
:-b :i.-i 1k"
tion of our senior editorial staff, now work-
ing out of an upended carton in a corner I
of the supply closetbut it's a roomy
killed two deer while driving to Newark and the road is completely tied up. I was
carton, and the packing chips can be re-
["The Vainglorious and Salacious Memoirs at that moment proceeding through Mil-
moved at day's end with any standard
ofCertain Celebrated Persons: A SPY An- ton, along with everybody else, at top
clothes brush.) So: want us to track down
thology in Digest Form," by Jamie Mala- speed, no sign of any trouble.
Shelley Hack's early modeling assign-
nowski, August), as this happens to be At home I told my wife about the non-
ments No problem for the new, diversified
virtually the same thing that happened in accident. She got a strange look on her
SPY. We can also winterize your home.
the 1960s to the fictional characters in the face and said, "Maybe it hadnt happened
Need tickets to Merchant of Venice?
John Sayles movie Return ofibe Seca,c,s 7 yet." She had just read your time-travel
One thing we can't seem to do is get
(1980), with a slight intra-Jersey shift of piece. She declared that I had no doubt
youyes, you, James Cole of Manhat-
locale. slipped through a wormhole in a rotating
tonany of the very early issues of SPY.
Coincidence? black hole and had driven past Milton
"Hard to believe though it is," Mr. Cole
Steven Dhuey before I actually got there. But then in the
writes, "no branch of the New York
Madison, Wisconsin middle ofthe night she sat up in bed. "On
Public Library has
SPY magazine prior to
.. Yes, coincidence, according to John Sayles the other hand," she said, "you might have
1986." Nothing could be more disturb-
agent. been in Universe B."
in9 to us than that bit of newssave,
Well, I'm sending this to you in Uni-
perhaps, for its exact opposite. Mr. Cole,
verse A. I hope it gets there.
by the way, is interested in David Owen's
DEAR EDrroas ne problem that never J crome BeattyJr
1979 article on China (partially reprised
in Ten Years Ago in SPY, August), but our
gets mentioned in Waquoit, Massachusetts
stories about time travel is the problem of
few remaining copies of those early,
space ("For Starters: We'd Kill Hitler, Buy
Owen-driven spys have apparently been
Xerox at 8 ½ and Save the Dinosaurs," by DEAR EDIitas et us settle this time-
mislaid in the course of our move to
Charles C. Mann and Edward Zucker- travel business once
Union Square. For now, Mr. Cole, we
man, August). Where you go is more im- and for all. Time travel is not possible,
hope the 25th-anniversary facsimile
portant than when. After all, if you're a period. Those physicists (and respect-
issue you see before you will satisfy.
week early, you can always check into a able, rational scientists in other fields
Charles Rush of Ashland, Oregon, has
motel and wait. It would be far more as well) who pursue this research are en-
written us "pursuantto an article written
difficult to arrive at the correct place, gaging in nothing more than intellectual
by Private Melik Kaylon" ("Hellcat of the
because everything is in motion. The masturbation.
Turkish Army," June). "I found it an hon-
Earth rotates, orbits the sun, the sun or- If time is the distance between events
or . . . to serve with the Turkish Brigade for
bits through the Milky Way, etc., all mo- (events, i.e., a change in state, some mo-
eleven months during the Korean War,"
tions that are superimposed on top of the tion denoting some change), then one
Rush writes. "I found the Turkish fight-
general expansion of the universe. cannot skip over events on the line of
ing forces to be of the highest cali-
If you go back to 1939 to kill Hitler, rime. All events are tied together so that a
ber. . . . Mr. Kaylon has had but a brief ba-
Earth won't be where you left it. This calls person must traverse events A, B, C and D
sic training, which was really incom-
for precise calculation. Imagine your em- to get to event E. lt is not possible to

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 17


go from event A to event E, for that would universe and need serious rethinking. oflight. It is a case ofmisperception lead-
be "skipping over' events B, C and D. Einstein's proposed time dilation (the ing to erroneous definition.
This inability to skip events holds true in Planet of the Apes scenario you gave), There is no time dilation, no way to
either direction. Just as a person walking whereby travelers in a spacecraft leave skip over events and no cime travel. Got it?
across a room must traverse all points in Earth at high speed (near that of light), j Sofiley
between the starting point and the ending then return in what is a short time for Los Angeles, Cal:Ñrnia
point (we could call the starting point A them only to find that perhaps many Sure. But why the curiously old-fashioned spell-
and the ending point E) on a hypothetical thousands ofyears have passed on Earth, ins of aeroplane?
line separating the two points on opposite is preposterous on its face. A thing called
sides of the room, so too must a person the Gamma factor (a strange use of the
pass through all points on the line of time, Pythagorean triangle and some math) DEAR EDIToRs id any time travelers
thus negating any possibility of travel gives the ratio of time shift to this nutty show up for your
through time that skips points. time dilation. So-called evidence for time August 1 champagne brunch?
Our problem comes with human limi- dilation, in the form of atomic clock ex- Brian MacDonald
tations to our ability to perceive.Just as a periments that show that clocks in mo- Chicago, Illinois
few ancient Greeks realized that conceiv- tion (in aeroplanes) slow relative to clocks No. But a nice ladyfrorn Washington Heights
ably there are an infinite number of points "at rest" (on the ground), does not show stopped by (she said she had to come downtown
along a line of finite distance (that line the truth ofthis principle oftime dilation anyway, for business), as did a pleasant but
across the room), since between every two (special relativity) but is actually pro- slightly scary kid from Vassa who left an
points on the line you can place another, viding a window on the effects of gravity athletic bag full ofcopies ofThe Catcher in
and thus it must be infinite in length, so on bodies set in relative motion (the sub- the Rye A great party, Brian, as you can
too did they recognize that they could sim- ject ofgeneral relativity). Science has long imagine.
ply get up and walk the length of this incorrectly cited these clocks-in-motion
line in a matter ofmoments. What gives? experiments as evidence for one relativis-
Clearly Newtonian absolutist notions tic effect, so-called time dilation due to DEAR EDITois sn't Ruth Norman just
about coordinate systems (which Einstein's special relativicy when in fact these clocks che teeniest bit embar-
work adheres to up to the speed approach- in motion that slow are revealing unfore- rassed ("Low-Tech Time Travel on a Shoe-
ing that of light) are not adequately ex- seen effects of gravitational fields on stringWho Was Reincarnated as Whom:
plaining the physical structure of our bodies in motion at speeds far below that Previous Life-styles of che Rich and Fa-

"Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me, aren't you?"


"you AIN'T HEARD NOTHIN' YET!" presents 501 of
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a "talkie," TheJazz Singer («Walt a minute, wait a
JI' iminute, you ain't heard nothin'yet!") tojack Nicholson's
question to a gargoyle in 1989's Balman ("What are
:
you laughing at?»,), this is a unique
celebration of Hollywood at its most
entertaining. Illustrated with 120
photographs.

COMPILED AND EDITED BY JOHN P. FENNELL.

uYoU AIN'T HEARD NOTHIN' YET!" is now available at bookstores. To purchase the book directlyfrom the
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)1989 Iehtro nt.,toinm.n. o Dvì,en ol Worn, Communicaponi l
plete. If he had served during the Korean
War, he would not hove cut the mustard."
Private Kaylan's training strikes you as
incomplete, Mr. Rush? Fine, let's send
1 him right back to southern Anatolio. No
contributing editor of py ever failed to
cut the mustard in the Turkish Army be.

)cd
\ec
N2ooz fore, and contributing editors of py are
not about to start failing to cut the mus-
tard in the Turkish Army now. So here's
the plan: Kaylan reenlists, thereby giving
Çcee himself a shot at redemption and, coin-
.

G'
\'e" 9
cidentally, freeing up several tables at
¿z
, c'
Nell's, M.K. and 150 Wooster for a cou-
\\
pie months. Our operatives in the Aegean
') i concoct o little intro-NATO misunder-

5;i:.
'Çee'
'

\
t
standing over, soy, Chian airspace. This
leads to the usual saber rattling
Athens and Ankara, perhaps even an or-
in

[e ranged skirmish during which Corporal


Kaylon distinguishes himself, suffering
c;\)O' oc:s. only o minor injury to the hand he nor-
/ f s_r-,
c' " \
molly uses to push free-drink chits toward

¡I-
¡ ¿,
1L 9 :'

v:
»c
o DROPS
bartenders. Later, in Istanbul, Sergeant
Kaylon - still favoring that hand - is
decorated, files a story with us in New
York and does everybody, even Charles
Rush of Ashland, Oregon, proud.
'wç .c'< Elliott Milstein of West Bloomfield,
Michigan, has sent us a Detroit Free
Press clipping of Mitch Albom's sports
column that includes three pairs of look-
alikes, each with a rather familiar name-
ellipses-name caption structure. "Some-
one at the Free Press really likes you
guys," writes Milstein. "Shortly after
your Christmas 'lt's a Wonderful Life'
issue [see "lt's a Wonderful Life 1988,"
by Jamie Malanowski, December 1988],
they did the same trick for prominent
Detroit people. And now this. Is this sort
of stealing allowed under the First
Amendment?" We're not sure. But may-
be we'll have to look into it.
If we do find out what the law requires,
Rupert Murdoch's people at The Boston
Herold will probably wont to know. Late
in July they ran side-by-side photos of a
Massachusetts Motor Vehicles official
(is this the man responsible for those
ratones, by the way?) and Phil Donahue,
with the caption "Separated at birth in
9 EAST 16 NYC the Bay State..." (Thanks to Josh
Gillette.) Well, maybe the Herold got the
BISTHO FBiNÇuIS 212 463 7101 idea from that Detroit Free Press col-
umn, which had been published two
days earlier. Or possibly from actress-
comic Marsha Warfield, who had ap-

20 SPY NOVEMBER L989


hil969We Asked
College KÎdsMich Airline
TheyWould Fly h 1989.

VffnAflanlicAfrwaysi47sTo Londor
Take us for all we've got.
Noiì-stop flights froni JFK, Newark or Miami.
For reservations or information call 1-800-862-8621. tri NewYork, (212) 242-1330.
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INDULGENT. THE
peared on Pat Sajak's CBS-TV show still house photo series published in the ad-
earlier that month armed withgreat mirable Trouser Press in 1978. "The
idea!a series of look-alikes. photographer was Mitch Kearney," con-
But as we've pointed out before, the tinues Robbins, who was the publisher
"Separated at Birth?" conceptA re- and editorial director of TP, "and we got
sembles B has been around for a while, a lot of flak from Kiss's publicity repre-
predating even the funny pairings of real sentatives. (Simmons, however, had a
people with ancient sculptures done by good laugh over the whole thing.)" And,
Horizon in 1964 (thanks to Patrick in fact, the photo series Robbins has
Gillam of St. Louis for that history-of- enclosed (which we just saw for the first
published-look-alikes footnote). The time, we swear) is very funny.
Horizon feature was itself likely modeled Only two people showed up at sï's
on one done for Show magazine in 1963. champagne brunch time-travel party
il 'I
A "Buddy Alan' who may sound as if last summer (see letter on page 18), but
he should be headlining Caesar's Palace a third person did convey regrets: "I am
in Las Vegas but is in fact only writing to afraid I cannot accept your tempting in-
spy from Philadelphia, has drown our at- vitation. . . . I wish to retain my anonymity
tention to a recent article in Glamour for obvious reasons. . . . I must make cer-
that, sure enough, we'd somehow missed. tain changes in the capitalist structure
To say that David Denicolo's "Make- of the West rather quickly in an effort to
overs of the Mind: L.A.'s New Intellec- avoid a major disaster of not just eco-
tuaIs" owes something to "If I Only Had nomic proportions« The note was signed
a Brain: Nouveau Intellectuals and the "The Unseen Master" and dropped off
Fad for Looking Serious" in the February at The Puck Building. Shortly thereafter,
spyis akin to remarking that Dino De- we moved.
Laurentiis probably saw Jaws before A couple of follow-ups: Mike Tyson
making Orco. From the theme itself to was fined for speeding again (see "Car
the photos of celebrities improbably in and Driver, Heavyweight Division," by
eyeglasses, it looks all too familiar. Free John Brodie and Bob Mack, December
poke idea for Marsha Warfield: gather 1988). The Dean Witter mural on Kings
some photos of people wearing glasses Highway in Brooklynthe one with the
and get yourself booked on Sajak again! embarrassingly wrong Dow predictions
Free column idea for Mitch Albom: what ("When Dean Witter Talks, People Listen
about athletes surprised in the act of to E.F. Hutton," by Andy Aaron, May)
wearing glassesor holding books! has been painted over, according to a
Since we're whining, how about that reader from Brooklyn. In early August,
July Harper's? Their Index included the Dino DeLaurentiis ("The Little Producer
statistic for the number of aphids that That Couldn't," by Mark Frankel,
FDA regulations permit in a pound of August) offered to buy back DeLauren-
frozen broccoli (which appeared in sr" in tus Entertainment Group, the movie
"Hold the Pickles, Hold the Àphids' by studio he had run into bankruptcy and
Ed Sikov, May). And in their Readings left a year before. And Dave Steadman
section they published letters written on of London, Ontario, has written us re-
George Steinbrenner's behalf when he garding Norman Lear's art imitating
applied for a presidential pardon (see Norman Lear's life ("Desperately Seek-
the Steinbrenner affidavits in The Fine ing Seriousness: The Rise and Rupture of
Print, by Jomie Malanowski, June). Media Zillionaires Norman and Frances
Last in this evil but necessary who's- Laar' by Leah Rozen, June). Steadman
influencing-whom section of the mail, reports that while no black teenager
we have a letter from Ira Robbins of was ever adopted by Lear's TV charac-
Woodside, New York: "I've been enjoying ters, in an early episode of Maude the
You Are There: SPY's Exclusive Monthly Findlays did invite a black girl to spend a
Behind-the-Scenes Celebrity Vignette vacation with them, and that Frances
[Naked City] for months now, but the Lear's illness was "covered" not only in
August installment, with Gene Simmons Mary Hartman's crackup but also when
and his tongue, finally triggered my Maude's manic-depression caused her
memory." Robbins has enclosed copies to campaign for Henry Fonda for presi-
of a Kiss-meets-Barbie-in-Cher's-dream- dent (Maude is "cured," writes Stead-

IC.
ratty old textbooks and beat-up maga-
mous," by Sydney Schuster, August)? If I DEAR EDITORS enjoyed reading 'Dad-
had been Socrates, Buddha and Charle- zincs; in fact, rumor has it you can even dy, You're Not a Fool to
magne iii past lives and turned up as such find ten-year-old issues of si"i' squirreled CryYou're Just Terribly Confused" [by
a dud this late in the game, I sure wouldnt away behind copies of ¡.,,r,,rjes in Bondage. Joanne Gruber, Augusti. Although you
tell everybody. Helayne Seidman detailed extensively the family shifting
Anne Harvey President, St. AIarks Place that would occur if Patsy Smith (Mandy's
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 2 to 3 Block Association mom) were to marry Stephen Wyman
New York (Bill's son), you neglected to mention che
Peddlers in front of The Puck Bnilding? Fine. most startling thing of all namely, that
DEAR EDI-roas nough is enough! St. Mandy Smith would become her own
Marks Place between stepgrand mother-in-law!
Second and Third Avenues already has DEAR EDITORS turned on WKLS radio Because Mandy would become her own
enough weirdos, wackos and assorted (96.1 FM) on July 28, mothers stepmother-in-law, she would
kooks who camp on our stoops, puke and in the middle of a dialogue detailing automatically become the stepgrand.
piss in our doorways, and block the side- facetious alternatives to the B-2 Bomber. mother.in-law of any offspring that Patsy
walks selling recycled garbage. The last The segment was virtually identical to and Stephen might have, and since Mandy
thing we need ¡s sPY encouraging more "Slow Down and Kill," hyjamie Kitman, is in fact Patsy's offspring, shed there-
people to descend upon us and sell their in your August issue. While imitation fore become her own stepgrand.mother-
junk ["Getting Rich Quick: The Inside might he the sincerest form of flattery, i n-law.
Story of Americù Newest, Most Syrier- "96 Rock" seems to have perpetrated mere Sara Natasha Berman
gistic Import-Export/Money-Funneling! plagiarism: no references indicated that Portland, Oregon
Artificial-Flower Conglomerate," by Andy spy was the source of the spot. Even
Aaron and Steve Radlauer, Augusti. worse, one ofthe deejays butchered one of
All peddling (even books and rnaga- the punch lines. An inquiry into the DEAR EDITORS know how much you
zines) is illegal on this block. Until we can whole tainted affair might be appropriate. enjoy poking fun at the
get the laws enforced, we're going to Nick Dobson transliteracive foibles of the Japanese, as
recommend that peddlers set up shop in Atlanta, Georgia well as at the pretensions of a certain
front of The Puck Building. Were sure WKLS morning deejaysJefJensen and Lorna Queens-born developer. So, when I saw
you'll be fascinated by their collections of Love maintain that they did credit si"'. how the Donald's last name was misspelled

. S
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man, "through the magic of lithium").
This from John Fancy of Sparta, New
Jersey: "Tim Colvin's 'haiku' is not a
haiku [see this space, July]. A haiku has
five syllables in the first line, then seven,
then five or six." Actually, the not-quite-
haiku we printed wasn't Colvin's, just a
little something we hgd lying around for
about 17 years. (Apart from that one
problem, John, did you like it?) Farlcy
has enclosed an example of the way it
should be done, but unfortunately, some
of his writing is illegible:
Running lue a dog
Your noitril in quite itciry
Please don't steg ar ny toe.

Still, we think we're beginning to grasp


the general ideo.
And finally, Bill Asp of Arlington,
Virginia, checks in with a scientific
assessment of America's "squarest city"
(see Great Expectations, May). Here is
Asp, mightily condensed:
', 'Square' being subjective (and in this
world infinitely transmutable), measure-
AN AMERICAN BISTRO ments must pertain to structural possibil-
102 FIFTH AVENUE. 463-8888 ities that either expand or diminish the
range of cultural and behavioral relations.
Working from the standard of gross
squareness capacity . . . Considering these
places on o blunt pressure per capita
basis. . metro area. . .individualized
a
cubic escape potential . . . Best TQS: San
Francisco (19.4285). . . Best ICEP: Law-
rence, Kansas (4,657). . . These ratings are
It ser\es \UU right.
based on 329 Standard Metropolitan
Statistical areas in the United States. ...
This is not a poetry submission."
You're darn right ¡t isn't. In factand
we say this with the sort of confidence
that comes from having counted sylla-
bies we don't even think it's a haiku.

COR R E CT I ON S

In "Slaves of The New Yorker" (by Jen net


Conant, September), the dates of em-
ployment for one of the Vedettes quoted
in the story were misstated. Our apolo-
gies to anyone who was inconvenienced
by this error.
When we mentioned, in the June Great
Expectations, the "wacky parking-lot
zillionnire Al Hirschfeld," we meant Abe
I Hirschfeld, who as far as we know is not
9641 Sunset Boukvard, Beverly Hills, CA 90210 (213) 276-2251 a gifted caricaturist, never traveled with
DIrect Reservations (800) 283-8885 ' Cable: BEVHILL Tclex: 188586 TWX 910-490-2580 S. J. Perelman and conceals no Ninos
Represented nationally by isi4w'I(800) R-WARNER anywhere for the public to detect.

26 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


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in this particular ad, I felt obliged to for- sister is too busy being a GAP (Greek- Ms. Conant's portrayal, since my ex-
ward it to you. Do you think they were American Princess) to even bother with perience in working with Mr. Mehta was
referring co Ivana? anything that doesn't concern purchasing a positive one. How unfortunate, then, to
El/en Wood the latest fashions from Nordstrom's or find that the only remark ofmine Ms. Co-
Brooklyn. Nei" York watching sappy, Anglophilic Masterpiece nant repeated in her one-sided diatribe
Theatre TV episodes. My brother is preoc- was inaccurately quoted. I never said that
cupied with his upcoming trip to Greece "there seemed to be a tradition [at The
,19r7_ and therefore didn't want to discuss the New Yorker) that the writers never
IBedroom
issue. sharpened their own pencils:' Further-
As for my friends, we!!, they cheerfully more, when read that quote by si'i's

i ,)o ire fet ¿, \ acknowledged that my having worked in checker, I denied having said something
.:sao.000 ( : ' Hollywood for the past seven years as a so sweepingly snotty. One of che many
,-\
UVS9O1Cfl) \\. \ script doctor has left me a bit peculiar. valuable lessons I learned from Ved was
rn*si:na I hope Mr. Witte can now sleep better never to make unwarranted generaliza-
TNEBY1 P4ThW4AT1OHA*. REALTY\\. .);(/
_!*ff 2I. 6OtV7787 1* at nights knowing this. tions. lt's a pity more journalists haven't
I45O Lagos Learned it as well.
Seattle, Washington Amanda Vaill
What do you say, Other Readers: shall we gong New York
DEAR EDITORS esponding to Ryan him? What Vail did want to be quoted as saying
"Tiger Beat Happens was simply lt seemed like the (New Yorker)
to Be an Excellent Magazine, Far Out- writers never sharpened their own pencils." SPY
shining Bop or Even Teen Bear" Witte's DEAR EDITORS nlike my former col- deeply regrets the error
query as to 'Just what exactly is a Taso league at The New
Lagos?" (From the SPY Mailroorn, Au- Yorker Gwyneth Cravens, I did consent to spy welcomes letters from its readers. except
gust)1 wenc around and posed that he interviewed for Jennet Conant's piece Taso Lagos. Address correspondence to siY.
pressing issue to relatives and friends. about that magazine and one of its staff The SPY Building, 5 Union Square West. New
My parents both laughed and got up writers, Ved Mehta ["Slaves of The New York. N.Y ¡0003. Please include yonr daytime
and walked away. They never heard of Yorke,, September); I hoped that my corn- telephone number Letters may be edited for
and thought I'd said Pic." My younger ments would provide needed balance in length or clarity. )

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C. BRINKLaY W. GOLDBERG j. BRISLIN

LIKE ALL CAUSES CíLñRES embraced by those who around the room. Sorry, the minimogul in-

T H f R I N T
Hampton, the current Lyme-tick paranoia has in-
spired some extreme antics among eastern Long
Island's high-strung, competitively wealthy part-
ti me residents. Palooka singer-songwriter BILLY
JOEL and ultrawhite model CHRGTIE BRINKLEY, of
course, possessed the discernment and wherewithal
formed her, i tkn't have a job for you. But would
you be interested in dating one of my vice presidents?

to demand the best possible defense, last summer, SPY's COVERAGE OF THE LIMOUSINE-HIRING poli-
against the fashionable fear: an armada of "spe- cies ofblack performers has been quite thinbut
byjarnie Malanowiki
cially bred" hens, 20 strong, were given free reign better late than never. Money-mad faux nice guy
to wander the grounds of the couple's East Hamp- Buu. Cour, who was recently honored at Yale, was
SEX, NUIS AND QUESTiON- ton manor. The Joels' prime directive to their at- characteristically despotic when it came to decid-
NAIRES
tack poultry: Seek out deer ticks anddevour! And just ing whdd drive him to New Haven. I want a black
Every once in a while some
one in Washington gets am in case the supposedly tick-eating chickens let a driver, he told the Yale-supplied white chauffeur
bitious and tries co turn the few get away, Brinkley was careful over the summerwho came to pick him up. When the abashed
already elephantine and in- to augment her Brinkleyesque bikini with im- driver told Cosby there was nothing he could do
trusive federal government
into a true Orwellian ma- penetrable, deer-tick-thwarting (but still thigh- about his skin color, Cosby demanded that a black
chine. Ordinarily we are revealing) rubber hip waders. driver take him back after his visit. When the
grateful to the people who
thwart chose plans. But one chauffeur relayed his boss's demurral, the comedi-
case last summer tested the an flew into a rage, then maintained a pointed
limits of our gratitude. when silence all the way homewhere Cosby's door was
che man who stopped the
government turned out to be opened by his very own black chauffeur. While
one of the most ferociously PLAYBOY-STYLE FLESH-ON-THE-HOOF dating ritu- filming The Long Walk Home in Alabama, WHoopt
homophobic congressmen in als are making a comeback in Hollywood. JAY GOLDBERG didn't want just any black person to
Washington.
The National Institutes of
BERNSTEIN, the talent broker who made FAWCETT a drive her aroundshe wanted her own brother,
Health, aiming to examine superrespected household word, recently rejected Clyde, whom Goldberg hadth seen in 12 years.
Americas sexual habits. pre- a married prospective personal assistant - his as- Clyde was hiredand, Frank Stallonelike, has
pared a long survey (more
than 200 questions) that a
sistant serves as his "platonic wife' an aide ex- just moved to Los Angeles to become an actor.
random group of citizens plained. Whenjay invites a woman he'd like to get
were co answer during per- to know better to come by his place, she is greeted
sonal and phone interviews.
NIHs aim was co get a statis-
by the assistant, whose job it is to warm up the
cical picture ofour sexual young lady, much the way Johnny Olsen used to
habits. which, it maintained, warm up the studio audience on The Price ¡s Right. IT WAS ONE OF THOSE QUAINT exercises in local
would help in the fight against
AIDS. But after seeing the
The assistant serves wine and cheese and makes politics, where the minions of an all but unbeat-
questionnaire, the House small talk for an hour or so. Thenjay, whose publi- able candidate for an all but meaningless local
Appropriations Committee cist calls him the Starmaker, arrives to preside over office spend a morning at a subway station passing
denied funding. The mcm-
bers felt that this just wasn't
the critical portion ofthe evening. Also in that big, out leaflets to an all but uncaring public. This par-
appropriate," said a spokes- bubbling, megaswanky hot tub of a town, West ticular exercise, conducted on behalfofCiry Coun-
man for the subcommittee Coast Trump manqué DONALD T. STERUNG (Let's cil candidate RONNIE ELDRIDGE, was enlivened by the
that cut the funds. "The feel- see . . .prt,-sportsfranchise, hotel. snperimpressivefirsr name?
ing was that it just wasn't ap- presence of her husband, who also happens to be
propriate for the government Check.) acts as purveyor for his underlings. At a a columnist for the least-read daily in town. And
to ask people intimate ques- Chorus Linelike cattle call for an opening in the how did that Pulitzer winner conduct himself on
tions about sexual behavior."
Well! we thought. Were
public-relations department of the Donald Ster- the stump? "Hey, kid!" JIMMY BRESUN screamed at
enlightened people. We ling Corporation, he asked one nubile finalist, who one fellow citizen caught crumpling an Eldridge
recognize the need for infor- had just finished explaining that she had no expe- broadside. "That flier's about my wife. You throw
mation. We understand
rience but was willing to do anything, to walk that out and I'll have to beat the shit out of you."
30 SPY NOVEMBER 1989
.

THE LETTERS AND MEMORANUUMS OF I17/(f


DEBORAH GORE DEAN
A Revisionist SPY Biograph)

USCbecause a person has emerged as the mega- (A handwritten note to an associate) TNt P1141 PuNT COHTIPIUtD
bimbo and major fixer at the center of the vast, Luisa The copy isfine huit i strongly suggest you change
that surveys are conducted
$2 billion HUD scandal doesnt mean she doesn't the title ofthefact sheet. "On the House"is not appropriate. with social-scientific objec-
have a good side. In fact, just an afternoon spent tivity and clinical distance.
She's been accused of being a disgrace to the agency.
shuffling through the enormous cache of Dean's How objectionable could the
Is this a person who seems ignorant about standards, survey be?
official correspondence that has been seized by We took a look, and
or perhaps just as they apply to her?
congressional investigators shows that we may have damned ifihe survey didn't
Memorani/un jar: A an Banning, Associate Director
judged Dean too quickly. seem to get awfully personal
Office ofPresidential Personnel in a way that we are disin-
She has been called a sycophant. But isn't she really
¡n reference to the attached inspector General's report dined tO have governments
just a people person? get. lt started off simply
concerning allegations that M, W routinely arrives late
(Letter to New York senator Alfonse D'Amato) enough, asking name, accu-
Dear AI: for work . . . the Secretary and ¡fiel that (you should) re- pation, race, education and
other standard survey ques-
i saw a clipping in ehe Daily News ofur daughter quest Mr Wr resignation. . . . Behavior ofthis type cannot tions, such as whether within
be tolerated and to allow it to continue would be a detri- the last five years you had
Lorraine. What a lovely bride. . . . You're a lucky daddy
ment to the goals ofthe Reagan Administration. spent a week or more in New
to have such a beautiful daughter and I'm sure that Lisa's
York, northern New Jersey,
baby will be the spitting image of you, making She's been accused of hiding the truth. Does this Miami, Houston, San Fran-
!9g6 - complete with re-election
your best 3ear memo reveal her as anything but boldly honest? cisco or Los Angeles. Then
the survey began to focus on
She's been accused of giving away the store. Does jA handwritten note to John Mooring, special your sexual partner, asking
this memo show her to be the sort of person who assistant to the under secretary of HUD) questions that have an imme-
would tolerate people getting something for j M . - I want you to emass (si c) great wells ofpower and diate and obvious connection
nothing? to fighting AIDS:
wield it on my behalf Andrea Rider
What is (yourpar:nerJ) bügh:?

What aboui (your parnur'i)


weigh:? li/was (your partner)
PRIVATE LIVES OF PuBLIc FIGURES :Y, thin, son,ewhat thin, about
average. iomewhai overu'eight.
THE SPY LIST (or) very overweight?

When did ou Jirit mee: (»,ur


Billy Barty par:ner)?Just give me the month
and Ya' How did ou first meer?
(T)hrougb mutual friend,,
(when) working together. (at)
Warren Beatty
work-related auivi:y, (when)
taking claiset together in your
neighborhood. by chance. . . (or
Napoléon Bonaparte in) some other way?

Soon enough the questions


Montgomery Clift cut to che matter at hand.

Who, did first become in-


volved sexually with (your par:-
Michelangelo's David
ner)?Jars: give mc the month and
year Do you think you will bave
¡ex u'ith (your partner) again?
F. Scott Fitzgerald
When was the last time you had
a sexual experience u'i:h (your
Clark Gable partner)? (And your other pari-
ncr?) Were you involved in sexual
activity with (your partner) and
(your other partner) at the same
Timothy Hutton
time? . . . Sometimes. when we Start
asking questions about partners.
people remember other partners
John Lennon they have had. Is there anyone
else you were involved with sex-
orally during the past yoar that

J im Bakker rehearses with bu lawyers for his next court appearance. Donald Trump you havent told me about? Hou'
many other people u'e' you
ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN involved with during

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 31


.- ().
,/((/.If9( r,,, WHERE THE 250-LB PRISON
(I
. MATRON STANDS GUARD
Gloaí-o-Rarna: Leona H eIsnsley Big-House P,'etiiew

THI PUll PlINY COI4TIHUCO


f she is sentenced to cold, hard time later this part of an all-woman chain gang while guards and
month, feloness Leona Helmsley will be at the mer- hounds look on hungrily? "No, no, no' insists Ap.
ibe past year?..
cy ofthe Federal Bureau ofPrisons, which decides ker, who says that a lot ofthe work at Danbury in-
Now lets talk about . . . when where those convicted of federal crimes will pay volves landscaping its 387 acres (359 more acres
you last bad sex with (year their debt to society The bureau makes every than even Leona is used to). But is it possible that
partner). . . . Where did yoa
(The responses per.
have sex?
effort to place prisoners in the federal facility the warden would force a 69»year-old woman
micted were "your home,' nearest their home (official term: release destination). even one as tough and hard as Leona to dig holes
your partner's home," "some Leona's release destination being Dunnellen and pull weeds? "I can't respond,' his spokesman
one else's home." "a hotel or
motel," a Car or vanj" at
Hall - the Helmsleys' superfantabulous 28-acre says. "I can only tell you generally that there are a
work," in a public place" or Greenwich, Connecticut, mansion her designated lot of older people who do work in the field:'
"other.").., prison might very well be (the bureau won't say for After putting in a full day's work, Leona will be
sure) the all-female Federal Prison Camp an hour's able to kick offher regulation steel-toed work boots
What did you h, to hour par:.
ner)?Jut: give me the number on
drive away in Danbury. and relax in the prison "dormitory," which offers
the card. (The choices on the Of the five all-women federal facilities in the large, open cubicles (no bars) that accommodate
card were "hug." kiss. deep United States, Danbury has the smallest popula»
or tongue kiss," undress your
up to four women apiece. The showers, a focus of
partner," 'stimulate your part. tion, a cozy 150 inmates. And for someone who is female prison camp life at least as it is portrayed
ncr's breast or chest with your good.address.obsessed, the fact that Danbury was in many girls-behind-bars movies aren't private,
hand," stimulate your part. named by Money magazine last year as the best city either.
ncr's breast or chest wich your
mouth, "rub your genitals on in America should ease considerably the embar. Will Leona be able to participate in any re-
your partner's body," "stimu- rassment of serving time. On the down side, says habilitative programs? Apker replies stonily, "It's a
late your partner's genitals Craig Apker, public-information director for the
with your hand," "stimulate
work camp." The tedium, however, will be broken
your partner's genitals with Danbury camp, there's always "a great deal of work if Leona's certifiably enfeebled husband, Harry,
your mouth," "vaginal inter- to be done:' takes advantage ofvisitation rights (hours are 8:00
course," "stimulate your part. What kind ofwork? Will Leona, the self-styled
ncr's anus with your fingers."
a.m. to 3:00 p.m., every day but Tuesday and
stimulate your partner's anus perfectionist, be manufacturing license plates, for Wednesday). Conjugal visits are not allowed.
with your mouth," "anal instance, or breaking rocks, or repaving l-84 as - Bob Mack
intercourse.")

What did (yeurpariner) do to


you? Give me tise number on the
card. Did yea hatie an orgasm? \ .'.

Did (your partner) bave an


orgasm? How did you reach
orgasm? That is, what were yea
and (ynur partner) doing at the
time? You can tell me the number
from this card. How did (your
Lií
partner) reach orgasm? You can
fr""'
tell me the number on the card.
About bow long did your sexual
activity with (your partner)
last? . . . (Please give me the length
o/time in minutes or hours.)

Hou' didynufeel aboie: the


amount o/sexual activity with
(yoierpartner)? Didyoafeel there
was the right amount, or would
yo have liked more or less?...
On a scale of I to ¡O, how close
emotionally (do/did) you/eel to
(your partner) . . where IO it
.

very close emotionally, and I is


not clos: at all?

When you bad sex with (year


partner), how often did (your _çIP 1? Es
partner) perform oral sex on you?
Was it always, usually, some-
times, rarely, or never? When au
had sex with (your partner), how
/-\ pkn, uoed)orne) Y'\C ickec
often didyou perform
tnnt Ço- ri PU kQ.re.
32 SPY NOVEMBER 1989
'isee you've switched
Vodkas, Vladimir"
"I see you are as perceptive
as you are beautiful, Natasha"

ICY COLD. ICY CLEARS ICY VODKA. IT'S SMOOTH AS ICE.


Vodka. 40% Alc by Volume. Imported by Brown-Forman Beverage Co.. Louisville. KY 1989
- (1.
'I, (f 'f9 ('f If
(I

TNt PUlII PuNT CONTINUID 1 New Yorkers who think they're comedians there is just one answer. Stationed by the Lincoln Center
fountain, we stopped 50 passersby and earnestly posed (he question above.
oral ux on (,wr parmer)? Was
il always. iisally, some:imes. DELIVERED PUNCH LINE-32%
rarely. or never? 'Praaice, practke, practice. No. itc an oldjoke. So what you do to Sixth Avenue, then go downtown tu'o blocks and it's between
i_r take that angled.rtree: down to 5 7th and turn left" man i n Fifth andSixth" New York City police officer. "Okay lt's
On average over the pas: year
how often did; masturbate? Bermuda shorts. You gotta keep practicing" Officer not here at all. Go down Columbus and make a left and ilr on
Nelson, New York Police Department. Practice. No, the other side over on Sixth Avenui man with foul breath.
&),ty puberty, snany children
walk down to 5 7th Street and east two blocks" - woman with 'ltrjust down on 55th Street" man with deep voice. "Fifty.
engage in sex play with other
Channel I 3 bag. "Practice. lt East 5 7th Street. No. wait. eighth andSixthwoman with gold earrings.
children which involves looking
al or exploring each other, bodiet. Walk dou'n Broadway: you/I see it" man in baseball cap.
While vu u'ere growing up, did "Practice. . . . Hey, you want a free ticket? lt's Slaughter on NO HELP AT ALL-26%
n do ibis a great dual. some. a think it that way, bui I'm not sure. l've only been in New
..l

little. or not at all?


Tenth Avenue"scalper outside New York State
York a yearyoung woman, apparently a dancer. "That
Theater. 'Praciice. Itr on 5 7th and Seoenth. Alrnoitfir'e blocks
waf pointing woman. You're asking the wrong people.
The survey also contains dowi bum in Yankees cap. "Yeah, I know thatjoke. Prat-
questions about abortion. Wire tourists" pleasant, well'dressed woman, "Its snore
lice" balding man. "The standard answer is 'Practice,' but
sexual dysfunction and flash. like in midtown, btt better take a cab i/you want to make it
it:, 56th and Seventh walk down that Street where all the
ing. subjects that to a lay. by eight olock"young man with tweezed eyebrows.
person seem tenuously related ca.bs are beadinf preppy. "ltr on 5 7th and Seventh. Aren't
"Okay, itc very easy" man with beard. "Ii's not near
to AIDS. Thankfully, no rep. you glad I didn't say, 'Practice, practice. practice?" man in
resentative of the government henhis female companion. He: "Don't discourage beE"
su nglasses. "Practice. No. Seventh Avenue and 5 7th Street"
will now visit your home She: "WhO'S discouraging ber?" He: "Okay, go down Broad.
and record your answers co man in Hawaiian shirt. 'Practice. !tr a veryfarnousjoke. A
way to 5 7th and make a righC She: "No. no, no. You go down
these questions (or. if one guy gets into a cab and says. 'How do i gel to Carnegie Hall?'
does. he or she wont get paid Broadway andmakea left." He: "Didisay right?" She: 'l'es.
and the answer is, 'Practice' "- woman in red'and-whice
for it; and neither will you - you did." "Huh?" cabdriver. "Youe at Lincoln Center
dress. "1 don't know, but itsfunny you shouldask because there,
respondents co the federal why notgo to something here?' man in seersucker suit. "lt's
survey were to get $50). 'Practice"man with pinkie ring.
somewhere down then' man reading a book. "Ob. you
The most outspoken oppo "Practice. Thank you. l've always wantedto say that" young
nent of the survey was Repte. walk down the Broadway and then you almost hit it"
man in yellow shirt. "Practice. then go to .5 7th Street" tall
sentacive William Dannemayer Scandinavian man. "God, how shouldlknow?"religious
man. Are you serious? The correct response is 'Practice' "- red'
of California. a sex.obsessed woman. "I don't know, but do ynu know bow to get to Tower
and generally knuckleheaded haired woman n chartreuse skirt. Practice, practice, prat-
Records?"enthusiastic young man. "Dontask nie. I'm not
Republican from Orange tice"man in hurry.
County Dannemeyer had pre. a cabdriver"elderly woman.
viously distinguished himself DIRECTIONS ONLY (ROUGHLY CORRECT)-30%
by accusing people wich AIDS "lt's on Seventh Avenue down at the end of the park" DELIVERED PUNCH LINE (INCORRECTLY) 2%
of emicting spores. But one "Study. stud study. No. Go down Broadway to 5 7th
Englishman . "The easiest way to get there is to walk over to
of his most peculiar moments Street"grcen'eyed woman.
came lastJune 29, when he Broadway and down to 5 7th" man in gray suit. "See the
Hotel Empire? Thke that street to 5 7th and hang a left" mus- - Nell Scovell
took to che floor of the House
co address his colleagues on cular man in tight black sleeveless T.shirt. "I'm pretty sure
the matter of homosexuality.
it:% on 5 7th and Seventh. Yeah, 5 7th and Seventh. I think"
Milicant homosexuals do
not want you to know of the man with knapsack. "Ftfty-Setienrh and Seventh. That
behavior that defines their ex- way" woman in orange T.shirt. "Go straight down Broad- Ho'4 'TO START ,A
istence: thundered Danne. way to 5 7th Street. Make a left. You can't miss it. You'll be
meyer, standing at the podium
in the well of che historic okay" concerned woman. "Straight down Broadway on CMEE R
chamber. They do not want 57th Streetelderly couple with Zabar's bag. "Go past
you to know that the average ONeal's about five blocks. You can take a bus or walk"
homosexual has . . . sex two or
bearded man. "Fifty-seventh and Seventh. Right on the cor-
three times a week good
God, no!with '1,0O0 or ner"woman with Jersey accent. "Its just down on 57th i
more partners in his life.
time. . (and) has experienced
receptive anal penetration. or
the insertion of one man's
penis in another man's rec-
Street" Englishman. "Take any oftbese bt.eses. Get offat 5 7th
Street and walk to Seventh Avenid scalper. "lt's on 5 7th
Street. Go down Broadway, then left" woman with too
much lipstick. "TheNo. 7buspt.itsyou righttherfman in
Ö\ IcQ:-
/t1t\j
tum. . . . The average homosex. red baseball cap. "Take the ¡04 bus" man with thick,
ual's favorite activities include black'framed glasses. "5 7th and Broadway" cabdriver.
receiving oral sodomy - that \ \ J&JWy
is, putting one man's penis in DIRECTIONS ONLY (INCORRECT) 10%
another man's mouth; perfor- "Walk down to 5 7th and over to Sixth. i think itr on Sixth
ming anal penetration; and
participating in mutual oral Avenue. Yeah, it's on Sixth"mustachioed man in suit.
sodomy. Other activities "Walk down Broadway to Columbus Circle. At Sixth, go across

34 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


\\T' ..---
\
-4

-
.

. -.
:r
$
-c-«. ;-

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette


Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide.
A. (2.
-I((e('( (f.//
(f

OGROLLING IN OUR TIME

TUI IHI P*IT CONTINUID "[His] searching meditations on the love and hate of war. . . are among the most eloquent I have read in
modern literature." - William Styron on Philip Caputo's A Rumor of War
peculiar co homosexuality in-
dude rimming. . .golden
showers . . . fisting or hand. "I devoured it. . . . Belongs to the grand tradition of Tess of the D'Urbervilles, Madame Bovary, and Anno
balling. . .and. . .insercing Karenina," Caputo on Styron's Lie Down in Darkness
dildos, certain vegetables or
light bulbs up another mans
rectum.
"Militant homosexuals "Indian Country is the mature work of one of our most important writers."
cringe at the thought of what - Nicholas Proffitt on Philip Caputo's Indian Country
these graphic images mean
[toi most Americans." At that
point. Dannemeyer put his "One of the major novels to come out of the Vietnam War."
research, and himself, into - Caputo on Proflitt's Embassy House
context: "Mind you, he said,
most Americans do not view
homosexual sodomy in the
same light as heterosexual in- "Goes far beyond anything I have encountered in the literature of Vietnam."
cercourse or even the aberra- Tim O'Brien on Philip Caputo's Indian Country
tion of heterosexual sodomy.
The congressman continued
his jag at length. discussing "Not only the best novel about the Vietnam War, but among the finest works of fiction in contemporary
why homosexuals do not de- Caputo on O'Brien's Going After Cacciato
serve civit.rights protection
American literature."
and the extent of homosex-
uats influence on society Howard Kaplan
("Beyond the obvious fields of
entertainment. literature and ,. ,', "e;
certain creative occupations,
they have systematically
entered professional fields"). TE NEW, IMPROVED SEPARATED AT BIRTK?
Dannemeyer concluded his
peroration with the pledge [ii SMITH
As long as I . . serve in the
.
n-
U_s. Congress, I will continue TÜTE BOARU ,

to affirm the heterosexual


ethic at every tUrn." A Monthly Tally
Dannemeyer is considered
zany and intolerant even by
Clients of press agent
fellow homophobic Republi-
cans. In [987, Democrats Jeffrey Richards....mentioned once every 3.4 days
released a purported secret Meryl Streep .............................. once every 4.8 days
memorandum that showed Roone Arledge... and a Giant Galapagos
Roseanne Barr ....................................... every 6 days
that while GOP consultants
Kirk Douglas ........................................ every 6 days tortoise?
were urging that the epidemic
be exploited for partisan pur. Madonna .............................................. every 6 days
poses (if we are low key, logi-
cal sounding and stressing
Yoko Ono .............................................. every 6 days
the importance of protecting Barry Diller ........................................... every 8 days
families," the memo read, JaneFonda ............................................ every 8 days
"then we should find ourselves
R. Gurney Jr ...................................... every 8 days
in excellent shape in '88").
A.

they wanted no part of Dan- "Yours truly ........................................... every 8 days


nemeyer. The memo described Bette Midler .......................................... every 8 days
him as "a live grenade" on the
issue and said he was "prac- JosephPapp .......................................... every 8 days Pete Dawkins ... and Len Cariou?
tically foaming at the mouth Arnold Scoasi ....................................... every 8 days
any time anyone made even a Elizabeth Taylor .................................... every 8 days
slightly sympathetic reference
to people with AIDS."
Barbara Walters ....................................every 8 days
Mort Janklow ..................................... every 12 days
JUST SAY NO, UNLESS Swifty Lazar ......................................... every 12 days
THEY INCLUDE EXPENSES
Don't do drugs, we tell our Liza Minnelli ....................................... every 12 days
children, and we explain why: Patsy's ................................................. every 12 days
they'll sicken you, impoverish Linda Blair .......................................... every 24 days
you, undercut your talents, Uma Thurman.. and N.Y. Ranger
rob you of your livelihood,
Iris Love ............................................... every 24 days
alienate your friends, SPY .......................................................every 24 days Tomas Sandstrom?

36 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


With Gel Exfo/iant...
say goodbye to clogged pores
and ingrown ha irs.

:1 PJ?OG
/

L'

'trI1.
Gel

7
PROGRAMME
HOMME
LANCOM F.
PARIS
The skin resource Iòr men.
./kn(f v:1
UCOME TO BLOOD-RED CHINA, Iì
LAND UFOPPORTUN UY
lt's an Ill Wind That Doesn't Make Somebody Richer

THI PINI PIHT CONTINUED emember those stirring days lastJune when hun- the prospectufor investment in China and Hong Kong
dreds of thousands of students peacefully gathered
possibly kill you. On the "It's the right time to invest in China. You need
other hand, ifyou survive, ¿n Tiananmen Square to call upon their govern-
to be radical to succeed."
you may be able to pick up a ment for the right of self-determination? Few have
nice piece of change at speak. forgotten the stoic faces of the hunger strikers, - Mohamed Hadid, developer of the Beijing Ritz-
¡ng engagements. Here's a Carlton Hotel, as quoted in Regardie's
flier issued by Greater Talent or the clumsy, touching plaster Statue of Liberty
Network Inc. , a speakers' maquette they raised as a symbol oftheir hopes, or "We must, of course, deplore the suppression
agency in New York. the bloodbath that followed. But time moves fast in and wanton killing of demonstrators and find ap.
ALCOHOL AND the world of free enterprise, and memories do not propriate ways to respond . . . (but) ifyour business
SUBSTANCE ABUSE linger, even memories of people being crushed by is such that you can make money in a pre-reform
CELEBMTIES' tanks. Within a few weeks, most capitalists operat- environment then go ahead."
"Sid Caejar recovering
alcoholic; outstanding ing in China managed to put the carnage behind - Roger W Sullivan, president ofthe US-China Business
speaker who always draws a them; a few even cheered the terrific opportunities Council, on how businesses with investments in China
lull house; $10,000-$12,500 it had created. We asked some businessmen for should react to the Tiananmen tragedy
range
"Gregory Harrison - their view of the current economic climate in
"Things are back to normal."
Recovering alcoholic and co China, and here is what they had to say.
caine addict; former co-scar John Bonomo, a spokesman for NYNEX
of Trapperjohn M.D.; "When you're talking about the smaller Asian
very articulate and recently
markets, your tendencynot your tendency, but "This was a big event in China, but now the
'public on his problems; a situation is back to normal. . . . There is a fair held
very handsome man who your discipline - should be to buy when the blood
does all the extra activities; hits the streets. It's a simple rule of thumb."
twice a year now called the Import and Export
$12,500-$16,000 - Andrew Econornos of the Sciidier New Asia Fund, Commodities Fair, which will be held in Octo-
R.alph Waite Former star ber. . .People are [already) coming to our office
.
of CBS hit TV series The whose heavy investments in the Hong Kong market
asking for invitations."
Wa(tonj; recovering alcoholic after the massacre yíelded a 20 percent to 35 percent
who appeals to family values; - An official in the New York consulate of the
return over the succeeding two months
$7,500-$10,000 Chinese government, whose court system, in an applica.
"Tony CurtisThe legendary "If [the massacre) drives everyone else away and tion ofsoundfiscal management, hilled the families of
screen star; former husband
ofJanet Leigh, father ofJamie it leaves just you, now youve got a million oppor- the executed deenonstrators 2 7 cents for each bullet
Lee Curtis; Tony is a recover- tunities where before you had just ten." fired into the victim
ing alcoholic and cocaine ad. - Richard Barone oftle Maxius investment Gronp, on
dict; $15,000 i-
- Eddie Stern
"Margeaax Hemmingway
(jic) - Recovered alcoholic
y yyyy y yyy y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y vy y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y yy y y y y y y y y y
and drug abuse(r); she is a
young screen star and grand-
daughter of the late Ernest
Hemmingway (jic);
$5,000-$6,500
Jenn:fer Baisey - Former 4':MAT
star of soap All My Children i

playing Manan Colby; a very Capsule Movie Reviews by Walter "Dateline: The Copa Monhe:t,
warm and motivational the Movie Publicist's Friend
speaker; $5,000-$6,500
"Stacy Keach Arrested
while on location in England DAD, starringJack Lemmon, Olympia Dukakis, Ted Danson (Universal)
(for cocaine possession); %Y/alter i%fonheit says. "A great big love-hug of a movie! Jack Lemmon det-
several months in prison
helped to force Stacy to ac-
onates with genius as the Great American Everyfather!"
cept professional help when
he had shunned it for years. WHEN THE WHALES CAME, starring Paul Scofield, Helen Mirren (Twentieth Century Fox)
A recovering cocaine addict,
Stacy feels he got lucky when
Walter Monheit says, "Thor they bestow - Oscars!"
he got arrested; $20,000-
$25,000 SECOND SIGHT, starringJohn Larroquette (Warner Bros.)
"Others - Barbara
Walter Monheit says, "John Larroquet-te is a summons to laughter! Be sure
Gordon, $4,500 +;
Larry Gadin, $9,000 +; to complyunless you want to be held in contempt of comedy!"
June Allison ('ici $5,500 +;
Dick Van Dyke, $12.500 +;
STEEL MAGNOLIAS, starring Sally Field, DollyPatton, Shirley MacLame, Daryl Hannah (Tri-Star)
Meredith MacRae, $6,000 +;
Suzanne Somers, $12,000 +; Walter Monheit says. "Guess who's been invited to the cinema slumber party
Patty Duke, $15,000 + of the year! That's right: Oscar!"

38 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


THAT NEW WHITE WINE WAS PERFECTLY SUITED FOR THE OCCASION.

SEEN IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES.


UI atNeI, ' Y ; , ., . ,
(1.
p/ ( ()( (( //
(1

NOVEMBER N
7 Twenty-seventh F preferred roasting more important, no
DATEBOOK
anniversary of Richard methods (the most shopping days until
Enchanting and Alarming
Nixon's "last" press popular question Robert Goulet's
Events Upcoming
conference, at which asked), thawing (No. birthday.
3 Sandwich Day is he said, "You won't one might add, 2) and-what many 30 The Wellness
held to recognize John have Nixon to kick throughout the difficult turkey enthusiasts fear Permission League
Montague, fourth around anymore." He blood-transfusion is an increasingly in Lancaster,
earl of Sandwich, the was, ofcourse, telling process. overlooked problem Pennsylvania, hosts
inventor of the an untruth. 15 No performance meat thermometer Stay Home Because
eponymous bread- 7 Joni Mitchell at the Metropolitan insertion (No. 7). You're Well Day. The
based treat. Montague known by no one as Opera; all Metropolitan 26 Robert Goulet perfect antidote to
is said to have invented Elke Schletz turns 46. Opera singers spend turns 56. spending the day at
the sandwich as a 9 The Museum of the day in their 26 Shopping the office putting up
time-saving foodstuff the City of New apartments padding Reminder: there your YOU WANT IT
during a 24-hour York presents a four- around in silk arc only 24 more WHEN? sign and
gambling session. So: hour-long lecture kimonos, crying shopping days until browsing through old
why no day for the on doilmaking. hysterically on the Christmas and, Cathys.)
Baron of Beer Nuts? Location ofthe seminar phone with their ex-
4 Sadie Hawkins Day. on wardrobe and lovers in Spoleto and vyyyyvvvyyyvvyvyyyyyyyyvvvvvyyyyyv
5 Elke Sommer-or, accessories TBA. ingesting elaborate
as trivia buffs and her 14 Anniversary of the carbohydrate-heavy CE1ESTIA HINDSIGHT
parents know her, Elke first blood transfusion meals suitable for SPY! Horoscope for Skeptics
Schletz-turns 48. (1666). Members of large families.
6-12 National Split the cotton swab 18-24 National Eating Our regniar look at the horoscopes offamiliar people on
Pea Soup Week is held community encouraged Disorders Week. momentous days oftheir lives.
to "promote the use of to rise, join hands 23 Thanksgiving Day .

split peas in split pea and lift their voices in arrives, and you Subject: AL NEUHARTH
,

soup"; an event of song. probably have a load Sign: Aries (b. 3/22/24) ,

particular interest to 14 Operating Room of turkey-related Date:July 28, 1989


those who are still Nurse Day is held to questions. Tap into the Notable Activity: Wrote op-ed piece in USA Today,
making split pea soup "inform health care original party line- the newspaper he created, saying that all flight
with half-filled Xerox consumers that the the Butterball Turkey attendants should be unmarried, female, "under
toner tubes, creosoted nurse in the operating Talk Linetm at (800) age 25; not over 5 feet 4 inches tall; weight less
railway ties and pieces room cares for patients 323-4848. Last year than 115 pounds."
ofglass ripped out of before, during and 127,000 callers asked Horoscope: "Focus on trips [andi ability to strike
abandoned cars. after surgery." And, about Butterball's chord of universal appeal."- Sydney Omarr, Newsday

Subject: JIM BAKKER


Sign: Capricorn (b. 1/2/40)
Date: August 21, 1989
Notable Activity: Trial began on charges that
TEN YEARS AGo IN SPY he raised $158 million fraudulently by selling

"Those kids are all decent athletes,' Dr, X told


me, 'but without drugs they're just a bunch of
5J fake vacation shares at Heritage USA theme park
Horoscope: "Be especially cautious with high-risk
investments.'- Usha, USA Today
college kids who know how to skate or ski. Put
them on steroids and amphetamines, though, and
:7 Subject: PETE ROSE
Sign: Aries (b. 4/14/41)
they could beat anybody. Even the Russians, Hell, OurlA
Date: August 24, 1989 '
they could win the gold medal." HERE! Notable Activity: Was banned from major-league
-from "Will Drugs Transform the 1980 Whot baseball for life
In NY?

Olympics?," by David Owen, spy, November 1979 Horoscope: "A little stress at work midweek makes
I rrtr11)le.- Laurie Brady, Star
\'t)tl

- George Mannes

u) spy \( )V M11 R : -
4

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READ M y C ti s: 1H i s Wy io TRUM r 1H E WRI CHI Sîu FF


even tesjor composing ¡-ieaallnes tfle L-Z Way

very day, newspapers and magazines oTo suggest erudition, use title of a penchant for fishing, March 8, 1989; .
the
churn out scores of stories. You may literary classic in your See how a KiNDER, GENTLER HEALTH poucy-Th
headline.
think, "Gee, writing all those headlines title Hemingway himself lifted from Ec- Nation, December 5, 1988; A KINDER
seems like a hard job. How do you learn to clesiasces was appropriated for articles GENTLER NICARAGUA? -WorldPress Review
do it? Does the New School have courses?' about the children of prominent people July 1989; READ MY LIPS, GEORGE: DONi
In fact, it's not so difficult, once you have (see also the clever use ofthe homophone RAISE TAXES - Business Week, December 5
learned the seven rules: son): INDIA: THE SON ALSO RISES-News- 1988; READ MY LIPS-Barron's on du
week on Sanjay Gandhi, son of Indira, Fidelity Aggressive Tax-Free Fund, Oc
o¡fyour subject's last name is a homonym February 28, 1977; THE SON ALSO RISES- tober 17, 1988; READ MY ups-The Ne
or homophone, pun on it relentlessly. This rule People on Adam Arkin, son ofAlan, March York Times on political phrases, Sep
makes journalism easy these days, be- 7, 1977; THE SON ALSO RISES-Newsweek tember 4, 1988; READ MY CLICHÉ: A
cause the president, the VP and the u.s:s on Ahmad Khomeini, son of the ayatol- EPIDEMIC OF BUSHISMS -Time on politica
leading publicity hog all have such names: lah, June 9, 1980; THE SON ALSO RISES- phrases,January 16, 1989; JUST SAY NO-
ABUSH-LEAGUETALE-TheNation, May 21, Forbes on Washington Post publisher Don- The New Republic, February 6, 1989; JUS1
1988; BUSH LEAGUE CHARGES-The New aid Graham, son of Katharine, Septem- SAY NO TO THE DRUG WAR-The Na:io
York Times, June
1988; irs STILL A
24, ber 29, 1980; THE SON ALSO RISES-St. May 21, 1988; JU5TSAYNO.-To BEGGARS-
BUSHLEAGUE-Ibid., September 16, 1988; Paul on Stanley S. Hubbard, son of Time, August 22, 1988; jUST SAY NO 1
BUSH LEAGUE TRANSIT? - Railway Age, midwestern rich guy Stanley E. Hubbard, UNCLE SAMS MONEY - Christianity Today
March 1989; BUSH LEAGUE: THE PREPPY June 1987; THESONALSORISES-Forbes on September 2, 1988;JUSTSAYNOT0JuNK-
STUMBLES-New York, March 13, 1989; George W. Bush, son of George H.W. Utne Reader, July-August 1989
THE BUSH LEAGUE-Vogue, April 1989; Bush, June 1, 1987; THE SON ALSO
QUAYLE HUNT TURNS NEWS MEDIA INTO RISES-Forbes on Barron Hilton, son of oSpecialto Esquire editors: When the ar
TARGET FOR ANGRY PUBLIC -The Waihing- hotelier Conrad Hilton,January 25, 1988 tide is a hagiography, just addihe appellatiol
ton Post, August 25, 1988; QUAYLE HUN'I Saint" to the subject's name or nickname. st
ING-The New Statesman, September
1988; ONTHEQUAYLETRAIL-TheNew Re-
30,
oii can't remember any classics, ap-
propriate the title ofa recent book or movie The
BOSS - Esquire on Bruce Springsteen
December 1988; SAINT FRANCIS 01
public, October 31, 1988; PLAYING THE writers at work below ingeniously modi- HOBOKEN-on Sinatra, December 1987;
TRUMPCAP..D-Time, September 15, 1986; fled the title of the 1970 best-seller Future SAINT MIItH-on activist Mitch Snyde
A TRUMP CARD? - ibid. , September 14, Shock to lend their work an air of irony. December 1986; ST. ELMORFS FILE-OD
1987; MCA CONFRONTED WITH A TRUMP FITrURE SCHLOCK: THE QUALITY OF LEADER- Elmore Leonard, April 1987 (note: Rule
CARD-Variety, February 17, 1988; THEARr SHIPIS STRAINED - Macleanc on Pierre Tru- No. 5 observed here as well)
OF PLAYING THE TRUMP CARD Maclean's, deau, August 17, 1981; FUTURE SCHLOCK-
January 30, 1989 The Humanist in a review ofa book about Once you are comfortable with these for
psychics, November-December 1984; FU- mulas, feel free to mix and match. These
oPunning is also useful when first names TURE SCHLOCK- Bostods movie forecasts, headlines about people named Wright
are homonyms. Note here how the Daily January 1988; FUTURE SCHLOCK: VOODOO combine Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 5: (on
News's writers cherish Frank Sinatra's first DOLLS R US ATTHE FAD FAIR-Vogue on an Jim Wright) THE WRIGHT STUFF-Th
name as a renewable resource: FRANKLY exhibition of religious effigies, February New Republic, October 14, 1985; TIlE
SPEAKING - interview with Sinatra, May 1988; FUTURESCHLOCK-Interview on life WRIGHT STUFF-The New York Time,,
17, 1976; SINATRA: SPEAKING FRANKLY- in the twenty-first century, January 1989 March 11, 1987; THE WRIGHT STUFF-
profile, January 22, 1978; FRANKLY Time, October 5, 1987; THE WRJGH1
SPEAKING AT YALE - article, April 17, 1986 oIfyour subject is politics, let a presiden- STUFF-Los Angeles Times, June 6, 1988;
tialipeech writer compose the headline. uriDR. THE WRIGHT STUFF-The New Republic,
oifyour subject's a singer let his lyrics GENTLER NUCLEAR POWER -The Economist, May 15, 1989; [on Frank Lloyd Wright]
write your headline: SINATRA DOES IT HIS February 18, 1989; A KINDER, GENTLER THE WRIGHT STUFF -Vogue, December
WAY ATCARNEGIE HALLBENEFIT- New York BUSiNESS CYCLE? - Business Week, March
1982; THEWRIGHTSTUFF-The Wall Stree
6,
Post, April 9, 1974; GOING FRANKIES 1989; ISRAEL: A KINDER, GENTLER OCCU- Journal, May 21, 1986; THE WRIGHT
WAY-Village Voice, April 18, 1974; HE DID PATION-The Economist, March 25, 1989; STUFF-Newsweek, February 1, 1988; [on
IT HIS WAY-Rolling Stone, June 6, 1974; KINDER, GENTLER SOVIETS - Society, July- the Wright brothers] THE WRIGHT STUFF-
FRANK DOES IT HIS WAY - Daily News, Oc. August 1989; A KINDER, GENTLER MAR- Bicycling, July 1982; TWO BROTHERS HAVE
tober 1978; OLD BLUE EYES DOES IT
16, RIAGE -The Saturday Evening Post, Septem- THE WRIGHT STUFF, 1903 -The Wall Strea
HISWAYATCARNEGIE-New York Post,June ber 1989; A KINDER, GENTLER ANGLER- Journal, February 8, 1989
16, 1980 The Wall StreetJournal on the presidential - Eddie Stern

42 SlY NOVEMBER 1989


Ho Di I ÍET THIS GREAT JOB?
A SPY Service Feature

bk when the busi-


ness of America was % Appli-
Length o
business, a Harvard conts
Institution Training Entrance Requirements Accepted Some Required Courses
M.B.A. was the surest
East New York -.i years Grade-level reading and math 60 Introduction co Occupations, Explora-
route to wealth. But as High School of skills, good junior high atten- tory Shops
thejapanese buy up all Transit dance record
our real estate and take Technology

over the world's bank-


ing and manufacturing,
The College of 4-5 years In top 20 percent ofhigh school 40 Principles of Insurance and Surety.
Harvard may no longer Insuronc class, minimum combined SAT ship, Finite Mathematics, Calculus.
present an ambitious score of 1000 or 1200 (depend. Economics
mogul-i n-the-maki ng Ing on which program you apply
with the secret of suc- for), personal interview
cess. Other schools may t'lsw York 7 weeks 21 years old, 60 college credits, loo Polygra ph Instrument Consideration,
offer training in skills School of satisfactory personal interview Polygraph Question Formulation,
more appropriate to Dst.ctlon
Polygraph Examination Techniques,
Americas standing ¡n Polygraph Notepack Utilization and
the 21st century. What Other Related Polygraph Instructions
is the confused ex Harvard 2 years Three letters ofrecommendation, 12 Introduction to Financial Statements;
ecutive of tomorrow to Busincss one from a former employer; Organizational Behavior; Control,
School seven.essay, 100-hour application; Competition and Strategy; Manage-
choose? Here is a guide
transcripts; two to four years of ment Communication
to some of the local work experience after college
choices available.

44 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


w 'f
-I
(f;)/f,

Some Extracurricular Positions for Which Groduates Arc


Tossi Tuition School Motto Activities Ambience Qualified in Todays Economy Average Starting Salary

N The express ro Student newspaper, cocd Aroma of in Signal or electricai.equipmern $23,000/year


success" varsity handball and dolence maintenance; power/electricity
track teams technician; road-car inspector
air brake inspector

5296(X)-S37,lO() .I agendo aeiorne- Intercollegiate bowling Scent of Xerox Risk management. under $28,000/year
mia" ('Let us be team machine toner writing, insurance brokering
judged by our
deeds')

$2.500 plus lodging None None Odor of sweat Conducting polygraph ex $22,000/year
(students get a special and fear aminacions
rate st the Ramada Inn
at 48th Street and
Eighth Avenue: $951dav

$30.700 "Ventas" ("Truth") Corporate Leadership Smell of indo Credit department management $55,000/year
Forum. Health Industry lence, Xerox ma- at ajapanese bank
Club, Marketing Club, chine toner, sweat
Real Estate Club and fear
- Caren Weiner

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 45


(,).
/ (i 'o cf (i/1

NAME THAT Tui

his celebratory gathering occurs at my consisting of blocks of baked clay.


behest and I shall be lachrymose if it so
befits me. You provide illumination for the period
of time delimited by my nativity and
She chooses to purchase a terraced the complete cessation of my metabolic
incline directed toward a postlife functions.
paradisiacal region.
And wc will engage in much jubilant
I request that you prevent a large, activity until such time as the male
glowing orb consisting of incandescent parent chooses to repossess her vehicle
gas from committing fellatio upon my of motorized transport.
person.
The deity had little or nothing to do
The leather coverings now encasing my with the manufacture of minuscule
pedal extremities have been manufac. viridescent seed.bearing fruits.
tured for the specific purpose of ambu.
latory forward motion. Expresses deep affection toward yours
truly in the manner of a hardened
Allow me the honor of portraying for igneous object. sPY What do you like about show business. Bob'
you a miniaturized representation of a Bob Brivic, Star of Tomorrow: In films I
member of the family Ursidae of the Please remove yourself from the imme- mostly get cast as bag men or derelicts. Its
order Carnívora. diate vicinity ofmy visible collection of fun. i was in the orgasm scene in When
minute water particles, Dr. Sa//y. . . lt was great. was paid
Adieu, jaundiced vehicular pathway - David Yazbek and Howard Korder to eat deli sandwiches all day long. )

VYVVVVVYYYVVYVVYYVYYVYYYYVVVVVYVYVvyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

WHAT'S IN LETTERS ¡O THE EDITOR OF THENEW YORKER


A NAME? SPY periodicallypublishes Letters to the Editor ofThe New Yorker because The New Yorker aesn't. Still. Address
A Monthly correspondence to "Dear Bob, do SP't'. The SPY Building, 5 Union Square West. New York. N.Y 10003.
A nagrarn Analysii DEAR BOB, DEAR BOB,
I'm puzzled about some ofyour Talk ofthe Town Is the situation at The New Yorker becoming so
ROE VS. WADE
pieces. When you state, "A young friend of ours desperate that you have been forced to resort co
ERASED VOW
writes' for example, do you mean young in corn- two-button-placketed, traditionally tennis-tailed
parison to Brendan Gill, or merely someone that piqué (piqué?) polo shirts and Super High-Cru
CHRYSLER
the octogenarian William Shawn would consider a T-shirts to bolster the coffers? Are you sure your
CORPORATION
stripling? is 'a young woman we know" the same as advertising firm has targeted the correct audience?
HELPTRY CAR CORROSION
"a young woman of our acquaintance"? And do Is this the kind offashion statement The Neu' Yorker
ELVIS ARON PRESLEY these acquaintances just write in from time to really wants to be making? Do you really want your
REPRESSION VALLEY
time, or are they simply staffwriters not allowed to patrons to "wear all the personality and wit of The
reveal their identities? New Yorker"? I thought the goal was to get them to
WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY David Adam read the magazine. Does this mean that the com
UCK MY AWFUL BILE New York, New York fortable tweed jackets and bow ties traditionally
Naive, tru.c:ingfools that we are, we always believed they associated with The New Yorker have been rejected
MAYOR ART AGNOS were "young friends." and even fantasized about young for all time? (Do you think the waiters at the Algen'
(of San Francisco) f riends ofour own who would write us precocious, careful quin would ever even think of serving anyone
GAY MAN'S ORATOR letters. it turns out those pieces are indeed usually staff- wearing a T-shirt, even if it was a Super High.Cru
written, the )oungfriend" merely a ploy to introduce the New Yorker Tshirt?) Does the plastic-purse fetish
RONALD LAUDER fi rst-person singular Let us tell you rather a young have anything to do with this?
O, NEAR DULLARD f riend ofours writes, "Let me tell you. this news gnade me Eugene A. Bolt Jr.
Andy Aan,n distraught." Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

6 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


INTRODUCING
DRY BEER
ELEVATED To
EUROPEAN
STANDARDS.
To be worthy of the . painstakingly lagered l'or ten weeks.
name Grolsch' dry beer The result is a
had to become more than :: uniquely crisp,
merely thirst-quenching clean, bracing taste
lt had to become worth only a brewer with
savoring .n
Grolsch's 374 years of
Introducing new . : experience could
Grolsch Premium Dry, produce.
::

the first dry beer from So ask for Grolsch


Europe. : : Premium Dry the next
The taste is so / .;: rime you buy beer.
.

superb, in fact, one of . ... And enjoy the first


our own brewmasters . dry beer a European
:

flOW refuses to drink would consider drinking.


anything else. 2

naturalrefreshers 1R si
(' tlß9 Grolsch Iniporters, Inc., Atlanta. Geûa 3O39.
(1.
./ (f f)( (f 4/
(I

A G000 BUTJOCKS1IFT Is WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS


Second in a Series: SPY Celebrates Show Biz Survivors

'Z"l'nJane Fonda released her semi-


na! Workout video in 1982, the ex-bu!imic
"I used to do this at Palladium"
Celebrity Fitness Video:
. .,.
Celebrity Fitness Video:
Fitness Walking With Sal-
fitness
Walking
not only provoked a health-and-fitness Take Time With Pat Boone 'y Strathers -

mania, she also created a new method of Athletic Qualifications: Athletic Qualifications:
self-expressioncumcareer rehab for a Boone is part owner of Struthers did 295 straight
whole raft of flabby has-beens. Time was Nutra First, a mysterious performances in The Odd
when getting back in shape was just one of new nutrition company" Couple on Broadway -
the steps a down-and-out performer had Supporting Players: Sev. Supporting Players: Day-
to take to revive a career. But now, recov- en elderly, demented id Balboa (creator of
ering from an episode of alcoholism or a exercisers ducklike Balboa walking techniiue), black
decade ofobesity in itse/fconstitutes a con- Particularly Humiliating Stretch: Invisible- walker, elderly walker, well-toned female
siderable celebrity achievement, worthy of giant.beach.ball embrace/knee dip walker
documentation in all media. Expert Conditioning Advice: "We've got to Particularly Humiliating Stretch: Rolling-
Celebrity workout videos also provide use these beautiful bodies God's given us" shoulder strides
an almost unbearably intimate new way Activeweor: Spandex Nutra First warm- Expert Conditioning Advice: "Your foot
for us to glimpse famous entertainers as ups, multiple gold chains becomes a rocker. Like a rocking chair!"
they really are. Reading a book by Vanna Evidence of Overtraining: Pat trips during Activeweor: Bright-blue Lane Bryant bar-
White is one thing; sharing a personal leg stretch gain-bin sweat suit with shoulder pads
moment with her in an embarrassing posi- Best Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: Rock. Evidence of Overtraining: Taking own pulse,
tion on the living-room floor is something ettes.inspired synchronized "point.step' Struthers comically feigns choking
infinitely more satisfying. Consult the routi ne Best5egmentVjewedon FastSpeed: Struth-
guide below to choose the famous per. Household Objects Used? No ers waddling through Central Park with
sonal trainer who is right for you. And Exercise-Induced Delusion: Pat imagines Balboa
remember: go for the burn! he is a sword fighter Household Objects Used? No
Exercise-induced Delusion: That race-walk-
Celebrity Fitness Video: Celebrity Fitness Video: L
ing is "graceful"
Do lt Debbie's Way Richard Simmons and the
Athletic Qualifications: Si/tier Foxes Celebrity Fitness Video:
Debbie Reynolds was a Athletic Qualifications: .. Vanna %V'hites Get Slim,
successful pre-aerobics Simmons played a sissy. Stay Slim
dancer ish aerobics instructor Athletic Qualifications:
Supporting Players: Shel- himself on General .- "An All-American ideal:
ley Winters, Ten Garr, Hospita ; his supporting youthful energy, beauty
Florence Henderson, players are the parents queen good looks and a g
Rose Marie, Dionne Warwick, )aye P. of superfit celebrities slim, stunning figure"
Morgan Supporting Players: Jacqueline Stallone, liner notes
Particularly Humiliating Sti-etch: "Doggy Sal Pacino, Harry Hoffman, Pauline Faw. Supporting Players: Waiter in restaurant;
lifts," also known as "the hydrant" ('Bos- cett, Shirley Simmons nameless dinner date described only as
oms to the floor!" Reynolds commands) Particularly Humiliating Stretch: "Rumba" Vanna's "very special friend"
Expert Conditioning Advice: "Shake 'em and "Hawaii" arm swings Particularly Humiliating Stretch: This is a
out, girls!" Expert Conditioning Advice: "Bc sure to sit diet video, so Vanna doesn't stretch
Activewear:Leotard, neck scarf, Olivia tall and open your chest" Expert Conditioning Advice: "Never sit still
Newton..Joh nstyle headband, false eye- Activeweor: Painfully thin Mrs. Fawcett if you can move around, that's my mottd'
lashes (Jaye R Morgan wears high heels) and Mrs. Stallone wear spandex leggings Activewear:Pink tank top, slacks and
Evidence of Overtraining: Rose Marie and perhaps two pounds of jewelry each sneakers, spandex leotard, two blue
nearly dies during hip flexors; Shelley Evidence of Overtraining: Al Pacinos father gowns, Flashdance-esque sweats, football
Winters rests while others exert is not able to march in place jersey, tight Lakers Tshirt, sequined eve-
Best Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: Close. BestSegmentViewedon FastSpeed: Hand- ning dress
ups ofDionne Warwick's bouncing chest flexibility exercises Evidence of Overtmining: Too-gleeful prepa.
Household Objects Used? Yes - Debbie Household Objects Used? Yes - chairs to ration of Vanna-Banana breakfast shake
suggests using cans or bags of beans as help with rump bends Best Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: Vanna
hand weights Exercise-Induced Delusion: That Shirley running up and down staircase
Exercise-Induced Delusion: Reynolds says, Simmons is the parent of a star Household Objects Used? Yes - blender to

48 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


I

vv
)LIVER PEOPLES u
I i

-,
/ L

,I

rt i. I

S::.

OLIVER PEOPLES*
vv..
LOSANGELES
TMARC MORGEJTHALFREOERICS JOELNAME . NEIMANMARCUS . PARACHUTE BARNEYS OPTICALEXCHANGE
NEWORX NEWYORK NEWYORK ALLSTORES NEWYORK NEWYOfK NEWYORK

OLIVER PEOPLES 8642 SUNSET BOULEVARD LOS ANGELES, CA 90069


: (1.
./ (t r9( f1,1
(I

(continued)

prepare Vanna-Banana breakfast shake Exercise-Induced Delusions: Caesar imag- Celebrity Fitness Video: _______
Exorcse.Induced Delusion: Vanna receives ines he is, consecutively, German, French Shirley MacLaínec Inner
a call at home from Pat Sajak and Italian Workout
Athletic Qualifications:
CeIebrty Fitness Video: Celebrity Fitness Video:
MacLame is flexible
Marie Osmond: Exercisesfir Looking Good! Featuring
enough to maintain
Mothers-to-Be Tempesttßledsoe(Vanessa ..
fake lotus position for
Athletic QucHficotons: on Cosby)
nearly 60 minutes
Pregnant Osmond says, Athletic Qualifications:
SupportIng Ployer: Naked
"Im what you'd call a Blood relation ofvideds t..,

¡-. male mannequin with pulsating energy


fairly energetic-type producer
points
person" ; .
Supporting Players: The
Particularly Humiliating Stretch: Mentally
Supporting Ployer Fetus : ideal Sassy magazine
aligning body's invisible "chakras"
Particularly Humiliating Stretch: "Body focus group
Expert Conditioning Advice: "Pulsate
bridge" (rhythmically raising and lowering Particularly Humiliating Stretch: Buttocks-
orange in and around the reproductive
pelvis while lying on back) elevating frog position
organs. . . . Feel all the variable colors all
Expert Conditioning Mvlce: "The warmth Expert Conditioning Advice: "Don't forget to
through the genital area, fusing and cleans-
from your hands in the darkness can . . . ease breathe when you jog"
ing and coloring"
sinus congestion' Activeweor: Nike sweats, Jheri-Kurls
Activewea,: Oversize peach lounge suit
Activewear Clownish flannel jumpsuits, Evidence of Overtraining: Bledsoe yawns
Evidence of Overtraining: Open-eyed medi-
Exorcist-look makeup, headband during small-circle leg lifts
tations provoke colorful hallucinations
Evidence of Overtvaining: Marie apparently Best Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: Ankle
Best Segment Viewed on Fast Sp.ed: Ob-
falls asleep several times twirls
scene gesturing used to explain "base
Best Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: Foot Household Objects Used? No
chakra' located on mannequin's buttocks
circles during final sleep sequence Exercise-Induced Delusion: That teenagers
Housfhold Objects Used? No
Household Objects Used? No buy exercise videos
Exercise-Induced Delusions: Plentiful
Exercise-Induced Delusion: Marie hopes
Celebrity Fitness Video: ____________ Celebrity Fitness Vid-
viewers will do "pelvic-floor" contractions
"at the office, at lunch, even a party" Angela Lansbury's Positive , . ,.. :
co: The Rob Lowe
Moves Home Workout
Celebrity Fitness Video: Athletic Qualifications: , Athletic Qualifico-
Sid Caesar's Shape Up! "I'm not a fitness expert lions: Rob played a
Athletic Qualifications: or a dietitian. I'm cer- hockey star in the wretched Youngblood;
Former pill- and booze- tainly not a fànatic about one of Us's "America's 10 Sexiest Bachelors"
hound Caesar is now any of this"Lansbury Supporting Players: Justin M. (a produc-
"addicted to exercise" Supporting Players: None ' /4 " tion assistant on Masquerade) arid uniden-
Suppoiling Ploycis: Blond Porticulorly Humiliating Stretch: "Cat arch," tified American model
and brunet aerobics on all fours with buttocks raised Particularly Humiliating Stretch: Lowe
partners who appear in 4. Expert Conditioning Advice: "It's worth it masturbating in profile
Caesar's ostensibly amusing erotic to continue to present yourself as a Expert Conditioning Advice: "Harder,
daydreams woman of loveliness and dignity" harder' says Justin, spotting for Lowe
Porticularly Humiliating Stretch: Tongue Activewear: Pastel martial-arts jumpsuit, Activeweor: None
extensions ("to prevent wrinkles") apron (for making "power loaf" bread) Evidence of Overtraining: After two
Expert Conditioning Advice: "Keep your Evidence of Overtraining: Near-masturba- strenuous rounds, unidentified model
coccyx on your tushy on that pillow" tory "bath ceremony' including votive needs "a ten-minute breather"
Activ.weor Blue bikini underpants candles and Lansbury's slow application Best Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: Lowe
Evidence of Overtroining: Caesar coughs of lotion while in bubble bath doing standard, basic-training-style push-
up phlegm while showering Best Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: On- ups on top of model for 19 minutes
Best Segment View.d on FostSpeed: Caesar land swimming Household Objects Used? Yes see Sid
pacing up and down hotel hallway while Household Objects Used? Yes bath towel Caesar's Expert Conditioning Advice
rapidly blinking to hold during shoulder stretch Exercise-Induced DelusIon: Th at un identi-
Household Objects Used? Yes end tables Exercise-Induced Delusion: Lansbury corn- fled American models like being spanked
(for "incline push-aways"), pillow, sponge ments, "In the sixties, I rocked with the on national television
(for forearm squeezes) best of them" - Dan Zevin

50 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


OcÇTh
EF1 L1UI1
persuasión
tana:ng mere...
sipping that 111(1(1/o (1/ink.
you think you 're .co .c!Ipellw:"

i"Be nice."
ex. lghtew tip ziih the
Original ¡%gu(lr(/ieFlte
Importedfroti Colombia.
-
:
p"How can I be anything but -
with someone brilliant, arrogant
L_ and obviously bigger than I am?'
I 100% Colo,nhian:
CRIS'IAL (neat)

u
100% New Thrk:
CRISIAI. soda
&Iimcslicc.

!th)% Chfrago:
(:RIsmL & (okc
"L'in too l)rIlIIant
I
100% ¿tíiami: to be arrogant."
CRISTAL, O.J.
& orange slice.
"Persuade me."
'/00% L.A.
(:R1s'IAI. & a slice
. . .of anything!

"You'regoing to have
to do more than that!"

Take my CRIS'l'AI....
and then L)eg for I
fly forgiveness."

iII!
"l'll take your cRISTAL...
1011 (W?l /)eg to get it back."
Ì.-
«'ffW (i.
((gif
(I
THE ART OF THE ART OF THE DEAL
L)naI/ IYllh?IJ), l(:t)O,: ¡j, 1)ona/d Trump. Aggrieved Taxpayer

ne of the more remarkable deals described in The Art of cent higher than the purchase price Trump cried foul. He chal-
the Deal is Donald Trumçis purchase of the Mar-a-Lago estate lenged the assessment in court, even though the additional taxes
in Palm Beach. Trump got the mansion, originally priced at amount to a mere $81,525, less than what he spent last spring
$20 million, for a quarter ofthat amount$5 million for the for newspaper ads supporting capital punishment. But what
house, plus $3 million for the furnishings and $2 million for an was no doubt an unintended consequence ofthe suit, which he
adjacent property with only $2,812 actually coming out of his did not win, was the glimpse ofthe Mar-a-Lago deal revealed in
own pocket. court papers, one that shows that the heroic account published
But one does not become a short-fingered casino operator by in The Art ofthe Deal was exaggerated, if not simply false. Below
being easily satisfied. When the local tax assessor backhandedly is the passage in the book recounting the purchase, as annotated
confirmed what a fabulous deal Trump had negotiated by by FRANK CERABINO, a reporter for The Palm Beach Post, where
declaring the value ofthe property to be $11.5 million-64 per- his report on these discrepancies first appeared.

Trump said he learned about ¡p, j-:. $20 million In a depoii:ion taken for his in faa, on Aigus: 9. ¡983 - a: Oit/y one o/the foar Indi was
Mar-a-Lago from an anonymous IauìJkit against ¡IX (O#'Uy. leas; secn months laser higher iban $15 million
cabdriver -i said, What, good \ 1'rump said bu fin: offer on
aroand here ihatt ¡1w saIe5 He Mar-a-Lago was turned dou'n by
said, Well, maybe Mar.a-Lago the Poi: Foirndaiion b«ause he
ii for sale. The cabbie. Tramp wanted to build 14 houses on

//
noted, should bave been a real es- the estate.
I
taie agent. He could have been a
wealthy man today. Thais called
the breakj, right"
ing Mar-a-Lago was,,a't deal even though ought it t
a reIestate investmentMar-a-Lago was built in t e early 1920s by Marjorie

/
Because Trump wa todd Merri'creather Post, the heiress co the Post cerealA'rcune and, at the time, Mr
14 bouse,. lt was oar firm Edwar4 F. Hutton. Set on twenty acres that fate both the Atlantic Ocean d Trump made two more
he would noi get approval/or Lake &rth, the house took four years t/uild and has 118 rooms.. hree October 1983 and October 1985.
thai - building hosties. said Post boatloacs of Donan stone were Italy for the exterior Is, a 6" During those two years, the /ouo.
Foundation board member Rion'"\ 36,000 4anish tiles dating back to t fifteenth century were usedn te'- dation went io ontrt four
Caniacuzene. different limes without getting
i I
tenor and the interior.
any cozinteroffers from Trump
When Mrs. Post died she gave.xe house to the federal gov4(ree'r use
''\as a presidential retreat. The go,/ernment eventually gave th/hback to the
as each ofthefour deals fell
through
Plus another virivally.nerier- PSst Founation. and the fo/ndation put it up for sale% an asking price of
mentioned $2 million he paidJòr 2rnillioi. I first lookedÁt Mar-a-Lago while vacató(n(in Palm Reach in
403 fee: ofoeanfrontproperty in 1982.Almosc immediately I put in a bid of $15 ml1ofl and it was promptly
front o/Mar-a-Lago. The prop- Over the next few years, the foundatioygned contracts with sever
eriy was valued al $1 million,
other buyers at higher prices than I'd offered, only to have them fa ough
bui since the owner could bave
built on the property and blocked
before closing. Each time that happened, I put in another bid, ut always at a pgoi.97rcen:financ.
Mar-a-Lagos access lo the watet ì'er..sum than before. ing on Mar-a-Lago/mm Chase
he was able io squeeze 1/se/osen- FinaìÌjin-1ate 1985, 1 put in a cash of37er$5 million, plus another $3- Manhattan Bank. laying ou:
dation. and thus Trump. million fòr che uìI5ISbAg in the house. Apparently, the foundation was tired only $2,812 o/bis own money as
- of broken deals. They accepted my offer, and we closed one month later. a down payment.
The day the deal was announced, the Palm Beach Daily News ran a huge front-
page story with the headline MAR-A-LAGOS BARGAIN PRiCE ROCKS
One estate ]-
COMMUNIIW.
Soon, several far more modest estaçps on property a fraction of Mar,agos
size sold for prices in excess of$3$'ísillion. Ive been told thauheñhínishings
A fraciion. yes - and quite a in Mar-a-Lago alone are wo1rmore that I paidior-theliouso. lt usc goes to 7mp l)as testified iba: Mar-a.
large one. something in the neigh. Lagos upkeep costi between
show that it pays to move quickly andciiveIywhen the time iright Upkeep
borhood v/five-sevenths. Bui $2 million and $2.5 million a
Trump didn't always boas: about
ofMar a Lago ofcoujpfteíjFor hat it costs each yea.. year Thai estimate has been ton-
the size. In a deposition he noted anywhe eIs America. iradic:edby of a/I people,
that Mar-a-Lago was incoa- Trump's own hired apprais.
veniently big. saying. Lefs not - Joh,, Underwood. who has come
kid ourselves, Mar.a.Lago, while up with a much lowerfigure. In
it's a great national treasure. is a rThe jar more modeit estaie' is court. Underwood testified. The

¡
total under-utilization ofthis Monisorrel. a 35.O.sqare.fooi More valuable than $5 million? only way i can see that be got
propery. And indeed. he sub- Palm Beach mansion with 608 They were valued ai between from the figure u'e were given to
tracted $2.5 million from the feci o/oaan frontage that was $1 million and $1.64 million in $2.5 million wouldbe including
value o/Mar-a-Lago because he listedfor sale al $25 million - . the three independent appraisals mortgage payments. which umili
I

judged its excessive size a liability just $5 million more than the Exactly $18 million. not in ex- undertaken while the mansion amount io SI million a year or
rather than an asset. asking price o/Mar-a-Lago. cess of$18 million was/or sale. more. )

52 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


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(I
IKE DEATH NEWS EavAnoN REDUX
Further Proof That The New York Ti mes Uses a Secret Formula to Determine Story Length

fter a deluge
'
ofletters and ohone calls. ,
(July 27) and 113 ot hers were injured. As
..

we are exhausted. %Wre not convinced, went the );ou;i guess, the American deaths count for
uproar. We needmorepvof Okay, okay. We give. more. But how many inches more, and
For those just joining us, an update: in where in the paper? In both cases, add one
May we published A1l the News That's Print third of the injured/survivors toll to the
to F1t' containing definitive proof six OFFICIAL TUNIS SQUARE PROXIMITY
number of dead, and divide by three, leav-
weeks' worth ofclippings from the paper of CALCULATOR MAP ing sums of 57.77 on United and 39.89 on
record that coverage of death in The New York Times is deter- Korean Air. Then take the square roots.
mined by the use of a formula. To wit: Next into the hopper go one and a half of the respective
Sensitivity scores. As for the deaths of 111 Middle Americans,
I
even jaded, parochial editors of The New York Times are acutely
3S + P(ts)2 .. P(j)2 Total
- column inches sensitive. Such a toll, in fact, busts the 1-10 scale; well on their
3 2 50 way to 30.5 inches offront-page coverage, the Iowa victims score
15 Sensitivity points. Once we add .5 (a Proximity co Times
where K = number killed; Square of 5, squared and divided by 50), our equation churns
I = number injured; out a figure of 30.59within a quarter inch ofwhat appeared
s = the Sensitivity, on a 1-10 scale, of Times editors to in the paper.
the episode; and Libya, however, is a different story. The Korean Air crash
P = the Proximity, on a 0-10 scale, ofthe incident to followed United's by only eight days, and in a DC-lOthe very
Times Square (ts) or, to account for weight ac- same modelofplanebut, mysteriously, our editors' Sensitivity is
corded Middle East conflict, Jerusalem (j) a tad dulled: this disaster is awarded only 9 points. Factoring in
a Proximity tojerusalem (even though the plunge is attributed
When the correct numbers are fed into the formula, the result is
to relatively apolitical causespoor visibility) of 7, our equa.
the number of inches any given story will run in The New York
tlOfl suests the story should run 20.8 inches. The Times
Times. The method for determining a story's location in the
printed 21. Which, owing to the much lower Sensitivity in-
paper involves a somewhat less objective calculation based on
volved, appeared on page A-8.
the Sensitivity factor.
3. Sunday, July 30, 1989: Here's an example of how a low Prox-
The Equation ¡n Action imity factor can cost you inches. A group of American tourists
on a trip organized by the Connecticut Audubon Society are am-
1-2. Let's start with this past summer's two big plane stories.
bushed by gunmen in the Kenyan wilderness. One New Haven
One hundred and eleven people died in Sioux City, Iowa (July
woman is shot through the head and killed. What's the story
19), and 185 survived; 82 died in a Korean Air crash in Tripoli
worth? Let's go to the sb-mo replay: one death plus one-third ola
,,,,,,,v,y,,,,,,,',,vvv,,vv,,,v,,,,,,,.,,,,,,,,'vvT,,,v,,,v,,T,v,,,,,,,,,
retired teacher with a flesh wound, divided by three (.444); take
the square root (.667). Add 1.5 times the Sensitivity (in this case,
international but insubstantial piracy, the factor is 3); add the
square of Proximity i divided by 50. Our equation predicts
5.19 inches, once again within a quarter inch of the actual 5
inches allotted. The story ran on page 14 ofthe Sunday edition.
4. Friday, July 28, 1989: Police in Brooklyn interrupt a mother
disciplining her child. The 33-year-old woman is repeatedly
shouting, "The devil is in you. I have to kill you:' and stabbing
. her daughter. When an officer grabs the bleeding child, the
:
motherwho two weeks earlier had taken her kids to Disney
Il ': World lunges at him with the 14-inch carving knife; the officer
i ;::;" / / i I1- fires two shots into the woman's chest, killing her. The story said
the daughter was in stable condition. As tragic and unusual as
this story sounds, the equation still works. Look: I dead, I
wounded, I square root, we start with .444. Adding in a Prox-
imity of 7, a Sensitivity of 6it's a Metro storyand kick-
/ starting the computer, our forecast is 10.42 inches. For once,
I
thankfully, the Times is more compassionate than its heartless
,E-&I?7k!D
C?gL1oJ 5Oo'1 ¿.i/sl& f equation: the story ran 10.75 inches on page B-3.
I'e-47 s6rÑk;6- líLeV,5/c.I s-ET - Peter Heffernan

54 SPY NOVEMBER 19S9


11
THIS PEACE SIGN IS NO EMPTY
n

GESTURE. WE HAVE SURVIVED


I
NAPOLEON. WORLD WAR I, THE

RUSSIAN REVOLUTION, WORLD

/ .
WAR II AND THE COLD WAR. WE

ARE THE AUTHENTIC RUSSIAN

WATCH COMPANY, FOUNDED IN


e

1721 BY PETER THE CHEAT. WE

.
:' ; HAVE RESISTED THE ERA OF

UUARTZ TECHNOLOGY BECAUSE


\

,
WE BELIEVE IN A PERSONAL
4
. .
,,:
RELATIONSHIP WITH TIME. SO

OUR WATCHES ARE MANUAL WIND-

- : ING. THEY ARE ALSO HANOSOM

.. f

ANO EXPERTLY CRAFTEU..


-

fcc1cp\
' ' J p YOU WILL LIKE THEM.

rTocy ".o;

CHARIVARI

I, u I
LI
I Ii ± I A±i i
(1.
0/ ( ( (f /1
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i:iavv#.

ìIax Puncb Ab

o its beleaguered in- left the paper. As a result, during the one new to the importance of ice-bucket
mates, the Times's Wash- Eastern pilots' strike the fill-in reporters protocol, neglected this crucial duty once
ington bureau is a joy- utterly accommodated Max's wish that too often, and the most important bureau
less, suffocating outpost. stories not be told from the vantage point chiefofthe most important newspaper in
But having lost nearly a of the strikers; almost all the coverage the most important country in the world
dozen reporters over the centered on the long-term damage to was forced to issue an official office direc-
past year and a half, the bureau is, to the Eastern's corporate prospects and the in- tive illustrating his own fastidious ice-
Times's budget-crazed nibs in New York convenience to air travelers. bucket-refilling techniques.
anyway, a joyless, suffocating outpost that Taubman, fresh from a stint in Moscow, But Raines's concerns are not confined
is also wildly cost-efficient. Indeed, turmoil was the first Timesman in recent memory solely to dry-bar preparation. In a scene
has become a permanent condition for to serve a tour ofduty in the Soviet Union fairly reminiscent ofMr Roberts, the bureaus
survivors ofthe Washington bureau since and not publish a book about the experi- news clerks also have standing orders, the
Max "the Ax" Frankel was installed as ence. Perhaps wisely. In Moscow Taubman moment it starts raining, to grab Raines's
executive editor in 1987. was regularly ourwritten not only by his ficus plant and take it outside so that it can
Max was said at the time to have been depur> William Keller, but also by his own be watered naturally. In periods of drought,
displeased with the lackluster performance wife, Times contributor Felicity Barringer. the lovingly cosseted plant gets showers in
of the bureau (the Times was especially Raines, a southerner, has what appears Raines's personal bathroom at the bureau.
late and sporty on the Iran-contra affair), to be a serious problem managing women. Indeed, the aquatic theme is curiously
until then in the not-quite-capable hands He tried to have State Department corre- unrelenting. One morning recently, Raines
of Craig Whitney and his depury Judith spondent Elaine Sciolino reassigned against developed an uncontrollable pang for shad
Miller. Before shipping Whitney off to her will when she was pregnant, a plan he roe and ordered his secretary to find him
London and Miller up to New York, how- backed down on after it was pointed out a restaurant in the capital that would be serv-
ever, Max dispatched his personal hatchet that the attempted transfer could violate ing it that day. As those in the newsroom
guy, Warren Hoge, to Washington, where federal law. The two top women in In a scene looked on in bemused horror, the
he remorselessly decimated the staff. the bureau, assignment editorJanet reminiscent of poor woman spent the better part
No, Whitney and Miller have not been Battaile and head librarian Barclay Mr. Roberts, ofa morning on the phone in an at-
missed. Walsh, are said to be Xeroxing tempt to find a place serving the
the bureau
Fortunately, self-i mportant master-of- their résumés. Another female bu- elusive caviar. Finally, a call came
clerks have
the-obvious Hedrick Smith was squeezed reau member has asked for a trans- through from a chefwith the job-say-
standing
out by Max, too. Smith was said to be 1er to New York. The situation is ing news that he just happened to
orders, the
holding back information he picked up such that even Max has been mak- have some shad roe on hand. Vis-
moment it
in the course of his reporting and saving ing inquiries about whether Raines ibly relieved, the secretary was
it for The Power Game, his self-important, might have a woman problem.
starts raining,
about to make a reservation when
master-of-the-obvious best-seller. Smith During all this uninvigoraring to grab chief the entire newsroom erupted in
has not been missed. Bernard Gwertz- hubbub, Raines has managed to Rainesc ficus laughter. The call, it turned out, had
man, the bureaus capable White House remain somewhat above it all, plant and come from a line inside the bureau.
correspondent, was moved by Max to confining himself to matters of a take it Shortly thereafteç though, Rai nes's
New York to become foreign editor. In more mundane nature. His ice outside
secretary managed to find a bona
Washington, Gwertzman is missed sorely. bucket, for example. He keeps one in his fide shad-roe venue. And so, at noon, Raines
The current bureau chief, Howell office that news clerks have been instructed climbed into the back ofthe bureau car and
Raines, and his deputy Philip Taubman, to keep filled with fresh ice at all times. instructed the driver to take him to an ad-
seem in no apparent hurry to fill the myr- Lapses in ice-bucket maintenance are dress near Chevy Chase Circk For two non-
iad positions now open in Washington, usually followed by detailed instructions ice-bucket-refilling, non-pregnant-woman-
and the thinness is beginning to show. For to the assistants, ending with a curt And! transferring, non-ficus-irrigating hours, the
instance, the Times has had no one cover- don't want to have to go over this again. Un- bureau chief was hardly missed at all.
¡ng the labor beat since William Serrin fortunately, a novice clerk, and therefore j j Hunsecker

56 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


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988 JO4NNIE V.LKER BLK LA9EL 12 YEAR OLD BLENDED SCOTCH WHISKY, 86.8 PROOF. BOTTLED IN SOTLO IMPORTED BY SCHIEFFELIN A SERSET, NEW YORK. NY
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MONTE RIO IS A DEPRESSED NORTHERN CALIFORNIA TOWN OF 900


uy 1111 1 0 WI! t

Ii I I II li I fl L ii where the forest is so thick that some streetlights stay on all day long. Its only landmark
a kick-ass bar called the Pink Elephant, but a half-mile or so away from 'the Pink'
MY TH RE E WE E KS
in the middle of a redwood grove, there is, strangely enough, a bank of 16 pay tele-
OF MALE BOND-
phones. In midsummer the phones are often crowded. Onjuly 21 ofthis year Henry
INGANDFUNNY Kissinger sat at one ofthem, chuffing loudly to someone Sunshine, he called her, and
Sweetieabout the pleasant distractions ofhis vacation in the forest.
COCKTAILS WITH
"We had jazz concert,' Kissinger said. "We had rope trick. This morning we went
HENRY KISSINGER
bird-watching."
WIL LIAM F. Proudly Kissinger reeled offthe names ofsome ofhis fellow campers: "Nick Brady
and his brother is here." Brady is the U.S. Treasury Secretary. 'TomJohnson is here."
BUCKLEY, HENRY

KRAVIS AND RONALD REAGAN AT THE MOST EXCLUSIVE FRAT PARTY ON EARTH
OVEMflFR 989 SPY 59
The then-pub- Every summer for more than a century, the
usher ofthe Los all-male Bohemian Club of San Francisco has
Angeles Times, led a retreat into a redwood forest 70 miles
who had cop- north of the city, four and a quarter square
I
les ofhis news- miles of rugged, majestic terrain that members
Tixiugh :rnpuls paper shipped up every day. That Indian is consider sacred. The religion they consecrate is
r#/j in Bohemia,
a JEfV afluent here. Bajpai.' Shankar Bajpai, former ambas- right-wing, laissez-faire and quintessentially
redunodi are off- sador to the U.S. "Today they had a Russian' western, with some Druid tree worship thrown
/17711tJCVefl to
headc nj nate.
The Russian was the physicist Roald Sag. in for fun. The often bizarre rites have elevated
deyev, a member ofthe Soviet Supreme Council what vas once a provincial club for San Fran-
ofPeople's Deputies, who had given a speech to ciscans embarrassed by the rude manners of the
Kissinger and many other powerful men too. Wild West into the most exclusive club in the
George Shultz, the former secretary of State, United States, with 2,300 members drawn from
wearing hiking boots, had the whole of the American estab-
listened while sitting under a tree. lishment and a waiting list 33
Kissinger had lolled on the ground, years long.
distributing mown grass clippings In the first 50 years ofthc clubs
across his white shirt, being care- existence the Bohemian Grove
ful not to set his elbow on one of was comparatively accessible to
the cigar butts squashed in the outsiders, but in the 1930s, as the
grass, and joking with a wiry, nut- club gained influence and its red-
brown companion. woods provided a haven for
The woman on the line now Republican presidents, it grew
asked about the friend. quite secretive about its rituals
"Oh, Rocard is having a ball." and membershipyou wont even
WORE BRIGHT Kissinger was sharing his tur- find the Grove on public maps.
tleneck with Rocard, for nights This has been especially true in
RED, BLUE amid the redwoods grew surpris- the last ten years as Bohemias
ingly cool. The two of them were stunning roster has waxed ever
AND ORANGE camping in Mandalay, the most more statusy, as Kissinger and
exclusive bunksite in the encamp- Rockefeller and Nick Brady have
HOODED ROBES ment, the one on the hill with the joined, drawing the attention of
tiny cable car that carries visitors i. P. DaIry: an old-tinier enjoying left-wing protesters, scholars of
THAT MIGHT up to the compound. Meanwhile, o/oit /,alIn:d Boint-mian rig/ni
h:

elites, and reporters. The encamp-


ment has become the primary
HAVE BEEN DESIGNED FOR THE KU KLUX KLAN BY MARIMEKKO watering hole for Republican-
Kissinger had been offering Rocard advice: "I administration officials, defense contractors,
told him, Do anything you want, hide in the press barons, old-line Hollywood figures, estab-
bushesjust don't let them see you." lishment intellectuals and a handful of German-
Rocard was Michel Rocard, the prime minis- speaking men in lederhosen. What the Bois de
ter ofFrance, and this was a secret trip. No one Boulogne was to the ancien régime, the Grove is
was supposed to know he was peering up at to America's power class. Ronald Reagan and
ospreys and turkey vultures and hearing Soviet George Bush are members. So are Gerald Ford
speakers along with former American secre- and Richard Nixonthough club directors are
taries of State and the present secretary said to be miffed at Nixon, a longtime Bohe-
of the Treasury. And David Rockefeller too. mian Grover who's still listed as sleeping in
And Dwayne Andreas, the chairman of Cave Man, one ofthe Grove's 119 curiously and
Archer- Daniels- Midland. Mers' GrifEn. Walter sometimes appropriately named camps.
Cronkite. Today the Grove is stocked with Reaganites.
No one was supposed to know that Rocard Former Defense secretary Caspar W. Wein-
himselfwould be speaking the next day down at berger, former attorney general William French
the lake, under the green speakers parasol. As Smith and former Transportation secretary
orange dragonflies coupled dazzlingly over the Drew Lewis are all members. At the encamp-
water, as bullfrogs sounded, Rocard would lean ment last July, Al Haig was there, along with
forward and say, "Because you are such an as- three other former secretaries of State: Kis-
tonishinggroup ofmen, I can speak privately" singer, Shultz and William P Rogers (Rogers as
It was a devilishly charming thing to sa a guest offormer national security adviser Wil-
calculated to flatter the men of the Bohemian ham P. Clark's).James A. Baker III, the current
G rove. secretary of State, is also a member, but he
60 SPY NOVEMBER 1989
cou!dnt make it this year. The rightwing Hoover Institution by stealth. Students ofthe Grove had warned that security was
at Stanford attended in full force and brought along the presi- too good; they'd sniff me out quickly. I might last three hours
dent of Washington's Heritage Foundation. William F. Buck- before they put me in the Santa Rosa jail for trespassing. Lowell
levJr. and Malcolm Forbes held court. Big business shows up: Bergman, a producer with 60 Minutes who used to hunt rabbits
Thomas Watson Jr. of IBM, billionaire John Kluge of in the nearby hills, remembered a fire road leading into the site
Metromedia. Former Bank of America chairman Samuel Ar- near the Guerneville waste-treatment plant but said they'd spot
macost brought IBMchairman John E Akers, Bechtel chair- me sneaking in. Others mentioned barbed wire and electronic
man S. D. BecbtelJr. brought Amoco chairman Richard Mor- monitoring devices at places where the Grove abuts Monte
row. Noted and hoary writers and personalities are members: Rio, and helicopters patrolling the "ridge roads" that traverse
Herman Wouk, Art Linkletter, Fred Travalena. Scenting power, the 1,000-foot hills and form the Grove's perimeter. One day I
press lords skip in from all over the country. Joe Alhritton, drove up to the frontgate and got a dauntingglimpse of what
former owner of The Washington Star; Charles E. Scripps and looked like the Grove sheriff, a barrel1ike figure in a Smokey
J ack Howard ofthe 21-paper Scripps Howard newspaper chain; the Bear hat. A Berlin-ish set ofchcckpoints seemed to stretch
Otto Silha of Cowles Media; the McClatchys of
the McClatchy chain; and David Gergen of US.
& World Repürt all obey the Bohemian
j\'tU;.Ç

command of keeping the goings-on from their


readers.
Every spring for many years no Bohemian
Club presidents have formally summoned such
men to the Grove with great effusion:
Brother Bohemians: The Sim is Once Again in the
Clutches ofthe Lion, and the encircling season bids us
to theforest there to celebrate . . . the awful nysteries!"
ßohemians come! Find home again in the Grove!
Burn CAERE andhuirl his ashes, whirling, from our
glade!
Come out Bohemians! come o/it and play. corne
:vith all the buoyant impetuous rush of youth.r'
And this year, when president George Elliott
wrote, more drably "Around campfires large and
small, warm hospitality aivaits you. Of course you
must be with ¡us," I heard his summons, too.
It was a good time to visit the Grove. The
country was still steeped in the aw-shucks au- What uv.ii1dSiik*y At i/ a,mialCnwa:ion "Can gmi #n a'ii ai DiiIIJJ andi& cutsük u.r/dgtzi up iz

rhoritarianism ofthe Reagan years, and if there


is any place to study the culture of our ruling class, it is here out behind him.
among the Grove's benevolent, string-tie aristocracy. Also, it But by then I'd made my connection. My driver was Mary
seemed possible that Ronald Reagan himselfmight make a tri- Moore, an Earth Mother type with long silvery-blond hair who
umphant return to his longtime camp, Owl's Nest. While is the most active member ofa distinctly Californian left-wing
president he had avoided the Grove, a custom Nixon cemented group called the Bohemian Grove Action Network. Moore
in 1971 when he canceled a speech planned for the lakeside in agreed to help me get in, providing me with a sort of under-
the secret encampment after the press insisted on covering it. ground railroad. She put at my service a mountain guide who
For me, the trick was getting in. A guest card was out of the demanded only that I keep the methods he devised for me con-
question: club bylaws have stated that a member-sponsor's ap- fidential. He had a keen geographical sense and a girlfriend
plication "shall be in writing and shall contain full information who described a plan to seed magic crystals at the Grove gates
for the guidance of the Board in determining the merits and to make them open oftheir own accord so that Native Amen-
qualifications of the proposed guest." No, Section 8, Article can drummers could walk in.
XVIII was too fine a screen for me. And my attempts to get a We didn't do it that way, but it turned out that Grove secu-
job as a waiter or a valet in one ofthe camps failed, (The only rity isn't quite what it's reputed to be. Reporters seeking to
WJ,r, :h ¿$JaAltJ/),fl Pit °F air: rongh:ng II n: i O- i
book entirely devoted write about the Grove had rarely been inside, and then usually
to Grove life, The for only a few hours at a time, but I was determined to have a
Greatest Meni Party on good, long look, so I took cane to blend. I outfitted myself in
Earth, was written in conservative recreational weara pressed plaid shirt, Perma-
1974 by John van der Prest chinos, Top-Siders, a sport jacketI always carried a
Zee, a San Francisco drink, and I made it a point to have that morning's Wall Street
writer who got in for J ouirna/or Nezu' York Times under my arm when I surfaced (though
four days as a waiter.) television is against the rules, newspapers are sold at the Grove
In the end I entered Civic Center). Thus equipped, I came and went on 7 days dur-

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 61


ing the 16-day encampment, openly trespassing in what is the hundreds of cigars
regarded as an impermeable enclave and which the press rou- whose smokers had ig-
tinely refers to as a heavily guarded area. Though I regularly nited them in defiance
violated Grove rule 20 ("Members and guests shall sign the ofthe California Forest
register when arriving at or departing from the Grove"), I was Services posted warn-
never stopped or questioned. (Another rule forbade cameras ings. My neighbor sug-
outside one's own camp. I waited till my last day to bring one gested that someone
in.) Indeed, I was able to enjoy most pleasures of the Grove, ought to "shoot the
notably the speeches, songs, elaborate drag shows, endless fucker down," flashing
toasts, prebreakfast gin fizzes, round-the-clock "Nembutals' the press hatred that
and other drinksthough I didn't sleep in any ofthe camps or prevails in Bohemia.
swim naked with like-minded Bohemians in the Russian River "My friends dont
at night. understand this," a
My imposture included misrepresenting myselfin conversa- pudgy 35.year.old in
tion with other campers, and my story kept changing as I front of me confided to
learned more about how life inside was organized. I said I was his companion. "I know
a guest of Bromley camp, where unsortable visitors end up. At that if they could see
33, 1 was one ot the youngest Bohemians, but I was welcome i t, they wo u i (1 see how 'íi u r/1c n,o;: exciusize emhaniedfiiws

almost as a policy matter. "We looked around and saw we were terrific it is. Its like great sex ......
becoming an old-men's club," a member said, explaining recent It was the sort ofanalogy I was to hear often in the nearly 60
efforts to recruit fresh blood. Being from New York was fine; hours I spent inside the Grove. The friend and I leaned closer.
the Grove limits retreatguests to out-of-staters (though clamor- "lt's more than it's cracked up to be. You can't describe it," he
ing by well-connected Californians to visit the forest has re- explained. Then everyone hushed as a column ofhooded fig-
suited in the rise oftheJune 'SpringJinks' weekend). I used ures carrying torches emerged solemnly from the woods 100
my real name. No one inside acted suspicious, but paranoia yards away, bearing a corpse down to the water.
about the Grove seemed justified, and I brought along my own
version of cyanide: Interol, a tranquilizer used by actors to You KNOW YOU ARE INSIDE THE BOHEMIAN GROVE WHEN YOU
counteract stage fright. One day a member asked if I was re- come down a trail in the woods and hear piano music from
lated to a Bohemian namedjack Weiss. "No, but l've heard a amid a group oftents and then round a bend to see a man with
lot about him and I'd like to meet him.' "You can't," he said. a beer in one hand and his penis in the other, urinating into the
'Hes dead." After that I began working a dead West Coast rda- bushes. This is the most gloried-in ritual of the encampment,
tive's promise to have me out to the Grove one summer into a the freedom olpowerful men to pee wherever they like, a right
shaggy.dog story about my invitation. the club has invoked when trying to fight government anti-sex-
In this way I managed to drop in on the principal events of discrimination efforts and one curtailed only when it comes to
. .
Heigb-ho. 1k/gb-ho: ¡ix ¡3ohe,,isa-
the encampment right up to the ¡1111(11 1TO a few popular redwoods just outside the Din-
boiin/Sereiarialpwd final Saturday, July 29, 12:30 p.m., Ii IVVI lu _ ing Circle. Tacked to one of these haplessly
when I attended a Lakeside Talk
whose giver was, intriguingly, the OFFERED FRENCH PRIMEM
only one not identified in the pro. postprandial trees is a sign conveying the fairy-dust mixture
gram of events. "Speaker: To Be of boyishness and courtliness that envelops the encampment:
Announced," it said, raising the GENTLEMEN PLEASE! NO PEE PEE HERE!
question of what dignitary might Everything in the encampment is sheltered by redwoods, which
be thought more important than admit hazy shafts ofsunlight, and every camp has a more or less
Prime Minister Rocard, who was constant campfire sending a soft column ofsmoke into the trees.
listed as the speaker on the middle The walled camps are generally about loo feet wide and stretch
Saturday. back up the hillside, with wooden platforms on which members
My first full-strength dose of set up tents. Bohemians sleep on cots in these tents, or, in the
Bohemian culture took place two richer camps, in redwood cabins. The camps are decorated
weeks earlier, the first Saturday with wooden or stone sculptures ofowls, the Grove symbol. Mem-
night, when after a long day in the bers wash up in dormitory-style bathrooms and eat breakfast
Grove I took a seat on the grassy and dinner collectively in the Dining Circle, a splendid outdoor
lakeside among 1,500 other men arena with fresh wood chips covering the ground and only the
for the encampments famously sur- .
--t sky above. It never rains when the encamp-
..
real opening ritual. As the magic .: ment is on.
hour of9:15 approached, a helicop. - During the day, idleness is encouraged.
ter from a network newsmagazine f
There are few rules, the most famous one be-
circled frantically far above the ing "Weaving Spiders Come Not Herein
darkened forest, searching out a --
other words, don't do business in the Grove.
spectacle lit at that point only by The rule is widely ignored. Another, un
written rule is that everyone drinkand that Then the beer brewer himself came out to
everyone drink all the time. This rule is strictly sing: "Mandalay," the song based on the Kipling
adhered to. "His method was to seize a large poem. He was a goateed giant with massive
horse bucket, throw a hunk of ice into it, pour shoulders and a beer gut. Rudyard Kipling, AIla&ardfora Rim Ride!

inseveral bottles ofgin and a halla bottle of ver- romantic colonialist and exponent of the mas-
mouth, and slosh it all around," goes one Grove culine spirit, is, naturally, one of the Grove's
recipe. The traditional 7:00 a.m. gin fizzes heroes, and "Mandalay" is a triumphant white-
served in bed by camp valets set the
pace. Throughout the skeet-shooting,
the domino-playing and the museum BHUM-BUM: TilE LIGHTER SIDE 11F POWER-MONGEEING
talks, right up through the "afterglows" A Completely Authentic 1989 BohemIan Grove Joke Book
that follow each evening's entertain- "Ta ilulah Bankhead goes into 5. A Bohemian cuts out a pho- 8. "Take care when you unsheath
. astall inthe'21'Clubbathroom. tograph of a woman's crotch your swordit can pierce a
ment, everyone is perpetually numbed She sc)Ofl pokes her head out. Is from a skin magazine and care- young lady's hear( advice
. . .

and loose, but a clubbish decorum pre- there any paper?' she asks an at- fully tapes it to the cover ofCock- from one character to another in
vails just the same. No one throws up. tenda nt. 'No: A little later she pit, a magazine for private- the Grove play.
. sticks her head out a second aircraft fanciers that's popular . .

Now and then, though, a Bohemian j,',' '.'t., 'T'....


9. "The gravity onjupiter is ex-
sits down in the ferns and passes out. bers. He leaves the magazine on
tremely strong. Its kind of like
sorry, we have nothing at all: A
few minutes pass, and she leans a table in the campground. All the lady in the play with the
The sense that you are inside an ac- big boobs she has to crawl out
out again. 'How about two fives day Bohemians grab the maga-
tuai club is heightened by all the fur- onstage!" from a museum talk
for a ten?'"from Malcolm zine to look inside, where they
nishings that could not survive a wet Forbes's Lakeside Talk. find only pictures ofleather jack- by Wally Schirra, the former
astronaut, or, as he put it,
season outdoors: the stuffed lion on 2. "My wife was talking w a cts and airplanesa Bohemian smart-ass-tronaut."
friend ofhers the other day who
prank recounted at the Grove
top ofJungle; the red lanterns ¡n the beach. lo. Two Vassar women run into
says, You know what they say
trees behind Dragons at night, which about oysters being an aphro- one another in New York during
6. "A man stumbles home early the Depression. Their families
add to the haunting atmosphere; the disiac? It's not true: 'How do you one morning. His angry wife have suffered terrible reverses.
paintings of camels, pelicans and know that? Well, we went out to yanks open the door and he "It's gotten so bad Fve taken to
naked women that are hung outside; dinner last night and my hus- lurches onto the floor. Getting the streets, I'm practicing the
band ordered a dozen oysters. up, he says, 'I think I'll skip my
the soft couch in the doorway of Woof; Only five worked" Ibid. world's oldest profession," says
prepared remarks and take your one. "Oh my God,' says the other
and everywhere pianos that, when che 3. A Bohemian at dinner holds questions now''from As- "Before I did that I'd dip into
encampment is over, go back to the up a wine bottle filled with a yel- sociated Press president Louis capital" Forbes.
lowish liquid and reads the label Boccardis Lakeside Talk.
piano warehouse near the 11. 'A lot of years have been
in puzzlement: "Château du going by for me. You know, there
There's a feeling ofboth great privilege piJsoir" from the Owl Hoots 7. "A ten-year-old boy is fornicat-
and rusticity. Bohemians talk about cartoons at the Camp Fire ing with his nine-year.old sister. are three things that begin to
Circle.
'Gee, you're almost as good as happen as the years pile up.
roughing it, but at a privy in the woods Ma, he says. 'Really" she says. First, you begin to forget things.
near the river, there is a constantly 4. "You're as young as the worn- 'That's what Pa says' (Pause.) I canOt remember the
renewed supply of paper toilet-seat an you fecI" from the LowJinks Bohemian rib-tickler told at other two" from Rna1d Rea-
theatrical performance. Land's End camp. gan's Lakeside Talk. PW
covers. And the sand at the Russian
MINISTER MICHEL ROCARD ADVICE: "DO ANYTHING YOU WANT, HIDE IN
River beach is traversed by coconut-fiber mats man's-burden song. The brewer finished tearily,
and rich figured squares cut from the carpets in his arms high above his head, fists clenched: THE BUSH ES
the City Club," the five-story brick Bohemian 'STake me back to Mandalay-ah."
building in downtown San Francisco. Amid wild applause one man removed a JUST DON'T
heavily chewed cigar to say, "If that don't send a
All day long there is music in the Grove, and
at night in some camps there are programs of chill up your spine, you ain't a Bohemian." LET THEM
His friend, a man in a yellow brocade vest,
entertainment: comics, singers, actors. Any Bohe-
mian is welcome at such events. One afternoon, agreed. "He really put the balls into it." SEE YOU"
for instance, the Valhalla deck was crowded "Yep, Big Daddy's in town."
ith men drinking Valhalla's home-brewed beer
and listening to singers. They sang from a small ONE REASON IDR THE BOHEMIAN CLUB'S POOR
stage in front of a redwood on which was hung public relations is the name it gave to the yearly
a framed nineteenth-century engraving. The opening ceremony: The Cremation ofCare. The
scene was permeated by a kind of Nazi kitsch cremation is intended to put the busy men of
Black Forest imagery, and the setting seemed the club at ease and banish the stress ofthe out-
very Wagnerian though the music was some- side world, but it arouses critics of the encamp-
times undercut by the soft drumming of tin- ment because they interpret it to mean that
kling urine off the edge of the porch, where the Bohemians literally don't care about the outside
beer drinkers went one after the other. The world. Cremation ofcare, they fear, means the
deck's railing posed a dilemma. It was set at death of caring. Demonstrations outside the
crotch level, so you had to sort of crouch. Grove a few years back often centered around

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 63


the "Resurrection of Care.» ploded in huzzahs. Fireworks went off at the lakeside, and a
The cremation took place at the man-made lake that is the brass band in peppermint-striped jackets and straw boaters
center ofa lot ofGrove social activity. At 9:15 a procession of came out of the woods playing "Therell Be a Hot Time in the
priests carrying the crypt ofDull Care came out ofthe trees on Old Town Tonight"
the east side, along the Grove's chiefthoroughfare, River Road. The sudden appearance of men in striped jackets shows
They wore bright red, blue and orange hooded robes that might what a bouillabaisse oftraditions the Grove is. Bohemian Club
have been designed for the Ku Klux Klan by Marimekko. When literature is pious on this score. lt boasts that the Cremation of
they reached the water, they extinguished their torches. Care ceremony derives from Druid rites, medieval Christian
At this point some hamadryads and another priest or two ap- liturgy, the Book of Common Prayer, Shakespearean drama
peared at the base ofthe main owl shrine, a 40-foot-tall, moss- and nineteenth-century American lodge rites.
covered statue of stone and steel at the south end of the lake, Early Bohemians were hungry for exaltation and grabbed on
and sang songs about Care. They told of how a man's heart is to any tradition they could find to dignify their exile in the vul-
divided between "reality" and "fantasy:' how it is necessary to es- gar West. The club was founded in 1872, just three years after
cape to another world offellowship among men. Vaguely homo- the transcontinental railroad was completed, by a group of
sexual undertones suffused this spectacle, as they do much of newspapermen and artists who plainly felt social anxiety
ritualized life in the Grove. The main priest wore a pink-and- about their surroundings. Early club menus offered dolled-up
green satin costume, while a hamadryad appeared before a red- western dishes such as "boiled striped bass au vin blanc" and
wood in a gold spangled bodysuit dripping with rhinestones. "café noir' The club's 'men of talent" (Le., artists and writers)
They spoke of "fairy unguents" that would free men to pursue included writers of a populist bent: Mark Twain, Bret Harte,
warm fellowship, and I was reminded of something Herman Henry M. Stanley. Bohemianjack London was a socialist; Bo-
Wouk wrote about the Grove: "Men can decently love each other; hernian Henry George, a radical reformer.
they always have, but women never quite understand." But the club's newspapermen were also socially ambitious,
Hd/oMiSdib. aiming to chronicle California's rise in the arts
¿'dio Faddul,: and sciences. Bohemian, they agreed in their early
lix Grot is

one sup(r-
annals didnt mean an unwashed shirt and poetry;
deluxe sicep- lt signified London, the beau monde, men of emi-
away arnp
nence whose purses were always open to their
;oIe7fl. friends. By such standards, San Francisco busi-
yole WO#1 Se nessmen surely looked crude.
adr,,iiscd i,,
The New Just the same, the club needed such Umen of
York Times use" to support their activities, and inevitably the
Magazinc.
businessmen took over. Prohibition dealt a dead-
Then the crypt of Care was poled slowly down the lake by ly blow to the clubs democratic leanings by closing the central
a black-robed figure in a black gondola, accompanied by a Grove bar. Social activity became decentralized, relocated to
great deal of special-effects smoke. Just as the priests set out to individual camps, and less egalitarian, a trend that continued
torch the crypt, a red light appeared high in a redwood and during the Depression, when rich camps got even richer. Mem-
large speakers in the forest amplified the cackling voice of bers poured money into capital improvements for the Grove, as
Care: "Fools! When will ye learn that me ye cannot slay? Year uit were the haven to which they could flee during the revolu-
after year ye burn me in this Grove. . . . But when again ye turn tion. (By 1925, according to one account, most ofthe Grove's
your feet toward the marketplace, am I not waiting for you, 2,800 acres had been purchased for the sum of$99,500.) Ted-
as of old?" dy Roosevelt had been a member. Franklin Roosevelt was not,
With that, Care spat upon the fires, extinguishing them. and by the 1930s the Grove had become clannishly conserva-
The priests turned in desperation to the owl. "O thou, great tive. Will Rogers is said to have been denied membership be-
symbol of all mortal wisdom, Owl of Bohemia . . . grant u's thy cause he once made a joke about the Grove.
counsel!" The Bohemian Club's waiting list, which had first appeared
Every year there are new wrinkles on the cremation cere- in the Coolidge years, grew to ridiculous lengths. I was told that
mony. The big improvement this year was to project a sort of ifa Californian is not admitted before he is 30, he can despair
liT mnn fl1Tfl hologram onto the owl's face so that its beak of membership unless he achieves commercial or political
PII II II III seemed to move. Also, it was Walter Cronkite
I ftI prominence. Many older men die waiting. And membership
1!lIllhJIjIuJI ENTERED BY STEALTH. STUDENTS OF THE GROVE HAD WARNED THA'
talking. (Cronkite camps in Hill Billies along with George
H.W. Bush, William F. BuckleyJr. and former astronaut and
exEastern Air Lines chairman Frank Borman.) Cronkite,
as the owl, said that the only way Care could be cremated
was to use fire from the Lamp of Fellowship before him, an
"eternal" gas flame that burns day and night while the encamp-
ment is on.
That did it. Care went up in blazes. Around me themen ex-

64 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


::_:: so. PO$Ular CTUiIlIQ

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night. with gcld-bvoid.d j;
capstomatch mama

ECURITY WAS TOO GOOD; I ! 1IGHT LAST THREE HOURS BEFORE THEY PUT ME IN
comes dear. The initiation fèe for regular voting the early Reagan years when reporters, still
membership ¡s said to be $8,500, and dues are suffering the hangover of Carter populism, T H E S A N T A
set at more than S2,000 a year. Because the reg. questioned club executive appointees about the
ular members require entertainment, "men of club's sexist practices. ROSA JAIL FOR
talent pay greatly reduced fees. On Wouk's ac- The Grove's keenest adversary is Mary Moore,
ceptance, for instance, he was put to work writ- who lives in a countercultural shantytown in T R E S P A S S I N G
ing a history of the club. nearby Occidental. Moore was the 1953 San Luis
The encampment became controversial in Obispo County Fiesta queen, but by 1980 she

NOVI \llllR 1-i"-: SPY


had become, she says, a woman-identified
woman," and the Grove's thunderous maleness
and what she calls its "closedness" disturbed her.
of course, just about anybody could hate the ii
Grove. With its dense concentration of extrava- .1"

TO ENJOY MOST
gant war- and money-mongers, it's an easy ob-
ject of protest, and 72 left-wing groups eventit-
PLEASURES OF ally joined Moore to form the Bohemian Grove
Action Network.
THE GROVE For a while, in the early 1980s, Moore and i

BGAN thought they might actually liberate the


THE SONGS, redwoods. In 1984 folksinging demonstrators
tried to quarantine the Bohemians inside the
E L A B O RAT E
Grove because they were so dangerous to the
outside world. Fifty people were arrested. Sum-
DRAG SHOWS, mer after summer BGAN stoked Grove con-
CaFflpf1r of:hi :'aPzit,ej: re,w,,,ht,,: Rû/,,,ita,ìj like t') Jl(ç('

lix ,du ood kFK/.kJ oft/k oraI Canip Fir, Cire It.
II '!

spiracy theories by getting hold ofthe guest list. and limos around to get to the gate had disap
PREBREAKFAST In 1981, for instance, Dan Rostenkowski, Ed peared. The Grove was still there.
Meese and former president of CBS News Van \Vhen I got to Monte Rio, only a couple 01
GIN FIZZES AND
Gordon Sauter attended (Sauter as the guest of signs of protest remained. Moore's answering
former California governor Edmund 'Pat" machine message asking friends not to call her
R O U N D -T H E -
BrownJerry's father). Meese, by the way, is at her vintage-clothing store in the town of Se.
about the only major Reaganite who didn't end bastopol included a denunciation ofthe Crema.
CLOCK "NEMBU- up as a member. tion of Care. And inside the Grove the guest list
In its obsession with the encampment, was well guarded. It was posted in a locked glass
TA L " T H O U G H
BGAN has unwittingly taken on Bohemian case during the day, and was removed every
I DIDN'T SWIM NAKED WITH LIKE-MINDED BOHEMIANS IN THE RUSSIAN RIVER AT NIGHT
traits, becoming a kooky mirror image of the night. This was about the highest security I saw
Grove. lt wove spidery webs ofstring across Bo- inside.
hernian Avenue to block the way in. lt urged its
followers to form "Boho Clubs" to study mem- , 'I'M ADMITTING R THE FIRST TIME IN MY
bers so they could be "held accountable by the life having no willpower," a man was saying to
American People" for participaring"in the main- his wife on one ofthe public phones. He looked
tenance of the process of plutocratic patriarchy bewildered and hung over, and I figured Bohe-
,hich threatens the planet Earth with omnicide mians were warmly and mysteriously saying to
from the nuclear menace." When BGAN resur- him what they were saying to me: "I can tell this
rected Care, it chanted its own hymns: is your first Grove."
It was just past noon on Sunday, the middle
On a day îìiiich like this five score years ago weekend at the encampmentthe busiest
The first hideolls fire was lii in Monte Rio weekend, with attendance approaching 2,200
Andsweet Care was banishedfrorn this lovely land. men. The most dignified had arrived. On the
And Bohemians revelled upon their shifting sand. River Road you heard some small business talk.
"David Jr.'s going into the family business
But by 1985 BGAN's energies were ebbing. The now."
media's anti-elitist mood, never all chat fero- "He's got a scruffy beard."
Kaw.ihungi! clous, was spent. The reporters that Mary "Yes, he looks radical, hut he doesn't talk like
Bo/)(,,1:a?? ¡

sktt:'is /',,ra Moore had helped spirit into the Grove for o n e."
puh. ¡950 hours at a time had come out with vague, 'Äbby, now, she's the one who raised her fist at
watered-down versions graduation? Had a red fist painted on the back
r- ofwhat went on, or their of her gown."
u news organizations had Of course. The Rockefellers.
suppressed the accounts. "Where was that? Radcliffe?"
' r ' . By 1988 the gauntlet of "You know, they''e got a lot of liberal faculry
.. t , hippies and solarheads "They're always on the periphery of
and woman-identified radicalism."
women whom the Bohe- "My son was in Santiago, and David sent him
7 mians had been forced letters ofintroducrion to seven leading bankers
i'N
-
\ to maneuver their Jags in seven countries."
Ç'

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PRTUFTHERT

o! ffafoÌ7jgg11

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1

Jhe te hi,ìtit liqueur fron Italy.

To a gift of Frong co anyJwre n the U.S. coil 1-8OO238-4373.


(Ij w .,::>c . 289 Ak/Vol 156 Pro Prol and boirId by ßarbc'ro S FA Canale, raJy. Imported by W)ham Gran' & Sons. 1nNY.. N.Y.
At lakeside the grass was crowded for dark-haired man said to an older fellow.
the day's talk. Under the green parasol stood Three other men discussed a friend of theirs who had left
General John Chain, commander of the early that morning for New York. One of them seemed puz-
Strategic Air Command, who spoke of zied the friend wasn't the sort to get going at 7:45, he noted.
the country's desperate need for the "It was a free ride' the other friend explained. "Bill Simon
Stealth B-2 bomber. "1 am a warrior and had room on his plane."
that is how I come to you today' he said. "Simon doesn't know he doesn't have money."
'1 need the B-2." They all got a big kick out ofthis. Simon was Treasury secre-
The important men come out for the tary in the Ford administration and today is a major savings
Lakeside Talks, and each speaker seems to and loan conglomerateur, active in takeovers. It would seem
assume that his audience can actually do that this years encampment was useful to him. Two weeks later
something about the issues raised he plunged into Sir James Goldsmiths battle to take over
J_
which, ofcourse, it can. On the first week- B.AI Industries PLC ofEngland. a deal that could give Simon
end, for instance, Associated Press presi- a toehold in Europe. He was surely influenced by Prime
T, TI fl flflTl fl ti
Minister Rocard's Saturday-afternoon
r11iu IÇi' O ii iiiJîI i' ll M FU LakesideTalk, in which he dangled the
I lui lilitili Ut I II U 1)111 1 llhI 1U I It 1!! Il! II li I bit most sanguine business exrectations
What France's Michel Rocord Said on His (Secret) Summer Vocation OftheneW Europeanordersee "The
The people and press of France and tone. matters, ¡tocard brought a Bo- '-' 01 WC iiisappearing rrirne iviin-
thought their crafty prime mm- Of the Europeans' goal to hernian zeal. Government- ister']
ister, Michel Bocard, was on his eliminate trade barriers in subsidized farming, he said, is In 1982 reporters followed German
boat off the coast of Brittany 1992, Rocard confided dramat- "hypocrisy!" The farms aren't
(luring the last two weeks of chancellor Helmut Schmidt to the

,
ically, "We are building a na- efficient but governments back
J uly this year. But thanks to an tion. The world is rich with Grove gates, and the front page of 'l'be
invitation from his pal Henry multilingual nations' Within
Kissinger. Bocard had been ten years, he said, Europe will Christian Science Monitor termed the
smuggled into the Grove - and have a unified currency Only .. . .-', Grove "the West's hidden summit." This
not just to parry with the guys, Margaret Thatcher will resist, year Rocard's visit went unreported. A
hut also to talk openly and but "as always' he added, "she week after the encampment, a Wash-
honestly before his fellow camp. will get on the train when it is
ers. (Whether highly placed leaving the station'
;\1l/e/ !?o,ar/
ington correspondent for a French
aides of to the time
the covers ofhis bed back home utation as a right-wing so- consequences of opposing
is unclear.) His speech has, to cialist. Among the Bohemians
the prime minister had visited the US.
them. "Ridiculous:' he said,
date, gone entirely unreported. he was chummy. The Amen- then tilted forward in a delight- was a year and a half ago.
Prime Minister Rocard be cans and the French, he said, ful gesture of conspiracy. "Let "One of the contemporary myths
gan his July 22 talk at the have a special alliance in lead- me tell you a secret. We too are about the Bohemian Club is that it is a
Grove lakeside with a clumsy ¡ng the way to disarmament, fed up with subsidizing farm-
miscalculation'There is no while Thatcher is "defiant": she ers. We too want to get out of gathering and decision-making place
press herebut from that cannot be counted on. Rocard this silly system:' The only way for national and international 'power
point on it was all Gallic also considered the Germans out, he whispered, is a private, brokers,' the club's then-president said
charm. Hundreds ofmiles from hopeless. They suffer what the "gentleman's agreement" involv-
AP stringers and Le Monde re- prime minister called "the Gen- ing agricultural trade. At lake- in 1980. In fact, the encampment has
porters, he whispered secrets, man disease" fear of fighting side there was an approving always had political significance.
he punctured allies. The speech on their own soil, making them murmur. For the gentleman's
was remarkable not so much partial to nuclear arms.
Richard Nixon, Barry Goldwater and
agreement is the stock-i n-trade
for its content as for its candor To the subject of business ofBohemia. PW Nelson Rockefeller all stopped in as
they geared up for their respective
dent Louis Boccardi, addressing his listeners as men of "power presidential campaigns. Politicians say there is no place like
and rank," gave them more details than he said he was willing the Grove to help get a campaign rolling. No wonder this year's
to give his readers about the plight ofTerry Anderson, the Mid- guest list included the two biggest congressional bagmen of
die East correspondent held hostage since 1985. It was a trans- recent years: Representative Tony Coelbo, former chairman of
parent plea for help. the House Democratic Campaign Committee, and Representa-
Other Lakeside speaking is more indulgent. Here Nicholas tive Guy Vanderjagt, his counterpart on the Republican com-
Brady examined the history oftheJockey Club. Here William mittee. These men were interested in something more than
Buckley described how he had sat at his desk and cried upon pseudo-Druidic rituals,
learning of Whittaker Chambers's death, Here Henry Kiss- The club says it serves as a "refuge" from the strivings of the
inger made a bathroom pun on the name of his friend Lee marketplace, and though it's true that actual deal-making is
Kuan Yew, who was in attendancethe sort of joke that the discouraged, I heard business being done on all sides. The pay
people of Singapore, whom Lee rules with such authoritarian phones were a hub of activity. "Owner slash developer," a man
zeal, are not free to make in public. The speeches are presented dictated to his secretary one morning. On the blackboard near
as off-the-record one of the absurdities of Grove life, given the bootblack stand there were phone messages for corporate
that they are open to several thousand people, As the Soviet raider Henry Kravis and Bioomingdale's chairman Marvin
Sagdeyev said in his speech, "There is no glasnost here." Traub. That day as I sat writing a letter (actually my notes) at
After Generai Chain's talk, the usual quiet business chatter the Civic Center, a one-story building in which various ameni-
went on, "Your secretary, I got to tell you, she's 110 percent," a ties (Grove stationery, laundry facilities) are available to Bohe-

68 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


mians, I overheard a large fellow in cranberry-
colored shorts on the phone, bragging to some-
one back at the office. "I got slightly
inebriated - slightly! - heavily inebriated with
the president of the Portland Opera last night.
I said we might have a deal for him. They're go-
ing to have Pavarotti there in November. I said
when we got back we'd talk about it."
It was in the phone circle that Henry Kis-
singer alienated some brother Bohemians on
the middle weekend. Wandering into the clear-
¡ng, he announced to the air, "I have to make
two phone calls" A man finished his call, and
Kissinger, ignoring a half-dozen men in line,
took the booth and proceeded to retail to a
woman, evidently his wife, the Russian speak-
er'sjoke about the KGBs interrogation oía CIA
agent.(The CIA agent den ies i nvolvement first i n
a calamitous ship disaster, then in Chernobyl7So
what are you responsible
¡ti I llflh1flflDII1D for?" the KGB askshim.

FROM A NETWORK NEWSMAGAZINE CIRCLED FRANTICALLY FAR ABOVE


"Your agricultural policy.") The woman on the he sponsored for a camp. The screens get pretty
line evidently objected to the joke, for Kissinger fine. Nonetheless, the ideal of equality is corn- THE DARKENED
said, revealing a dovish streak, "Maybe the forcing. Among other things, it permits alco-
KGBa'idwrite it, but it is not a sign of strength." holic failures to feel equal for a few days with FOREST, MY
Kissinger's crusty performance was not ap- their workaholic cousins. Since everyone is sup-
preciated by the men he'd cut in front olin line. posed to kick back and forget work, it's the N E 1G H BOR
One Bohemian, a patrician fellow with silver fuckups annual revenge. At Sundodgers there is
hair, wheeled in rage, saying, "I'll be god- a motto on the mantel: THE PRODUCTIVE SUGGESTED,
damned." Cutting in line is distinctly un- DRUNK IS THE BANE OF ALL MORALISTh. It tells
Bohemian behavior. the productive they can drink, it tells the "SHOOT THE
Everywhere you hear what is Bohemian and drunks they're productive.
what isn't Bohemian. One night I wandered FUCKER DOWN"
into Fore Peak camp and got a lecture from a A HIGH POINT OF THE MIDDLE WEEKEND WAS
man named Hugh about Bohemian values as che performance ofThe LowJinks, the Grove's
hey concerned Fore Peaks famous drink, a elaborate musical-comedy show. Over the years
mixture of hot rum and hot chocolate. Many thejinks has become the leading entertainment
years ago a doctor called it a Nembutal, and the at the encampment, surpassing the mannered
name stuck, so much so that one Fore Peak and ponderous Grove Play, which is performed
camper wears a stethoscope and a white lab the next weekend. Thejinks is vigorously low-
coat with DR. NEMBUTAL stitched on it. Hugh brow. It takes place on the Field Circle stage,
said that an old college friend came to stay in which is wedged in between two camps, Pink
Bohemia and took over the mixing of the Onion (notable for its pink sheets) and Cave
drinks. He persisted ici putting in too much Man (notable for big-deal right-wingcrs and a
rum to see how many guys would pass out. plaque commemorati ng Herbert Hoover).
"Hey, knock it off, this is Bohemia," Hugh had The Field Circle seats are steeply canted; sit-
to tell him. He never in- ting in one feels like being inside a megaphone.
vited the chum back. The mood was American and bellicose. For a
A tenet of Grove life good half hour the band warmed up the audi- fhat:c

is noncompetitive egali- ence, playing the fight songs ofmany California uay it ti:
th 4O-frn:.
tarianism: all men are colleges and the armed services and culminat- tall Gr«ii
equal here. But in fact, ing with "The Star-Spangled Banner." Indi- Oitltf

class and status differ- vidual melted into group, but what a group: Bvht-m,a

ences among camps are George Shultz was seated below me, and word Wafter
pronounced.Just as you in the camp was that a year and $75,000 or so Cni,,ki!t I,,

¡bu )ar
have to be sponsored for had been spent for a production that would be C jF?t,I!i(m

membership, you have to seen just once, just by them. I felt like a mem- .fCar(.

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 69


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ber of the greatest nation ever, the ,S -


. . his capital"). One day in the Grove
greatest gender ever, the greatest I tipped a camp valet and he offèrec
generation ever. At such times - at :: some unsolicited information
PEELED OFF THE
many such times, among strong i-S': - Hookers came to a certain bar ir
leaders, deep in the forestthe '":) Monte Rio at ten each night, h
Grove takes on a certain German- said. It was the same bar-lodge
MASK TO REVEAL ¡C übermenschlich feeling.
, ( .34.,Ip .
Phil
,, Js . ph" motel where the local police had ar
This year's Jinks was called rested a man for pandering a fe
THAT HE REALLY Sculpmre Culture, and the humor CaII,ng i%/frrd E. Neuman: years back. The bust came right al.
was not just lame but circa-1950s ¡he uI:raio/h,st:ca:e4pos,erfor ih:
ter a Lakeside Talk by William
WAS KISSINGER, college follies lame. Rex Greed, an
year j ¡iìwJrnks uìsa, w/.'wh coji
about $75,000 toprodsveone Webster, then the FBI directo
effeminate gallery owner who sells toilets ("a and the timing suggested it was his doing. But
AND HE SAID counterpoint ofmass and void"), tries to con- the charges were dropped, and the man is re-
vince artistJasonJonesJr. that his future lies in membered fondly in the Grove. A Bohemian
IN HIS FAMILIAR sculptures composed ofgarbage. When a char- I overheard on the beach one day said that the
acter describes modern art as "the talentless be- man's genius had been in keeping vacationing
G R AV E L LY ing sold by the unprincipled to the bewildered," families in the motel ignorant of the other busi-
the crowd's roar seemed to contain the grief of ness going on there. "Now, that's good manage-
ACCENT, "I AM hundreds ofbusinessmen who have shelled out ment" he declared. capturing the robust laissez-

HERE BECAUSE I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CONVINCED THAT THE LOW JINX IS THE ULTIMATE APHRODISIAC"
for headquarters art they do not understand. faire spirit of the Grove.
The girls were all played by men, and every The sexism and racism oftheJinks were ola
time they appearedtheir chunky legs and peculiar sort. Black jokes are out because there
flashed buttocks highly visible through tight are a handful of black members though one
support hose the crowd went wild. After one day near the Civic Center I did hear a group of
character called the secretaries in the show old-timers trying to imitatejessejackson. As for
"heifers," the audience couldn't resist breaking J ews, old membership lists suggest that they
into "moos" every time they came back onstage. have taken a very small part in the club for de-
But the biggest crowd pleaser was Bubbles cades. That leaves women and Hispanics as tar-
Boobenheim, a showgirl turned patroness who gets for jokes - such as the one about Bubbles's
rubbed her prosthetic behind against the eleva- protégé Raoul, who painted Puerto Rican flags
tor doors at stage left. The doors were used re- on the backs of cockroaches.
peatedly for wrong-floor gags. For example, at The Jinks jokes about women were straight
one point a Little League team came out that in- out of an old jokebook. "My father said if you
cluded Bohemians Bob Lune and Peter O'Mal- have a choice between an angry woman and a
ley, the real-life owners ofthe San Francisco Gi- rabid dog, take the dog," Jason Jones Jr. said.
ants and the Los Angeles Dodgers, in uniform. "It's already got a fur coat and the license is a
When one character, a PR executive, expressed lot cheaper." And Rex Greed said, "The only
a desire to make his mistress an honest woman, difference between rape and rapture is sales-
she objected, reminding him ofan old Bohemi- manship." The sensibility ofthe Grove recalls an
an saying: "If it floats or flies or fools around, era before the surgeon generafs report on smok-
Th don't buy it, rent it." The scene brought to mind
icoiiography
ing. before the death of God and duty, before
o/t/e the reputation for prostitution that hangs around the advent of cholesterol and Sandra Day
Grow the Grove. From time to time law enforcement O'Connor (whose husband,John, bunks in Peli-
has tried unsuccessfully cans). The mood is reminiscent ofhigh school.
to bring cases against There's no end to the pee-pee and penis jokes,
local procurers, and the suggesting that these men, advanced in so many
Bohemian Grove Action other ways, were emotionally arrested sometime
Network circulates tes- during adolescence.
timonials by a former The most striking prop ¡n The LowJinks was
paid mistress of a club a sculpture of a female torso whose breasts and
member ("I only saw him buttocks had both been attached to the front, an
troubled by one thing," improvement that looked vaguely hostile. And
she wrote. "He bought all the talk about male fellowship often sounds
[an apple juice concern) just like a college freshman's version of o
for one million dollars (;1;s!ls ALLOWEI), an institutional escape from
and . . . he was fearful he women, from their demands, aggressions and
would have to dip into vapors. At certain times of year women are
allowed to enter the Grovebut only under "chaperonage,' ac- tured a gigantic erection under a toga. The set for the play in-
cording to a 1980 statement by the club president. Chaperon- cluded a wall inscription in Latin meaning 'Always hard." One
age for adult women. Ifs another Bohemian wee-wee word, day I was at the Grove beach when a Bohemian discovered that
something you haven't heard since you were 14. a friend's sunscreen was supposed to impede aging.
The club's nemesis here is the state of California, which "You got it too late."
keeps chipping away at the Grove's maleness, lately threatening The owner ofthe lotion sighed. «Welt, I should give up put-
to take away its liquor license and its tax-exempt status because ting it on my face and arms and spray it on my pricksee if
it discriminates against women. The state has established a that'll do any good."
beachhead at the Grove's front office, a hundred yards outside Bohemian discourse is full ofoblique organ worship as well.
the main gate, where, under legal pressure, seven women have There's all the redwood talk. Bohemians rhapsodize endlessly
been employed. Inside the Grove there is a feeling of mournful abouttower.ingshafts and the inspiration theygive men. i LOVE
inevitability about the day women will join THIS TREE AS THE MOST SOUND, UPRIGHT
Apili-Bohemian activist i1ary Moore. a uvjma,z-
the encampment. Bohemians talk about idenitfied-woman e/ediard to liberaiing the AND STATELY REDWOOD IN THE GROVE. LET
how much it will muddle things. "It would reduodifro,,i man-identified-men . .
MY FRIENDS REMEMBER ME BY IT WHEN I AM
screw everything up, excuse the pun," said GONE, reads a plaque left by a Bohemian at
an old-timer sipping a drink by the river. the base of a 301-footer.
'There'd be a lot more preening and peacock-
Other references aren't so subtle. Late in
ing than there already is," a big gay Bohe- The Lowjinks the elevator doors opened and
mian told me. Members have cited their a man came out wearing a rubber Henry
privilege to walk about in "various states of Kissinger mask. He had a dumpy body a
undress' And former California governor lot like Kissinger's. A "heifer" asked him
Pat Brown has said publicly, many times, why he was there. The man peeled off the
chat the presence of women would keep Bo- mask to reveal that he really was Kissinger,
hemians from enjoying their hallowed free- and he said in his familiar gravelly accent,
dom to pee.
"1 am here because I have always been con-
The peeing is ceaseless and more than a vinced that The Low Jinks is the ultimate
little exhibitionistic. Everyone talks about it. aphrodisiac."
Bohemian reminiscences describe such bi-
zarre initiation rites as escorting new mem- THE ENCAMPMENT GOT EVEN LOOSER AS
bers to the redwood at which one of the the third and last weekend approached. The
founders "did his morning ablutions." The fairy unguents were wearing off; after two
Owl Hoots, poster-size cartoons tacked up weeks the place stopped looking so magical
each day near the Camp Fire Circle, are filled and began to seem as ordinary as a tree-
with pissing pictures. One featured a spun- house. The nonfamous hard-core Bohemians
ous design for a commemorative stamp of were more in evidence now, men who wore
club member U.S. Postmaster General An- owls in various formsowl belt buckles,
thony Frank relieving himselfon a redwood. brass owl bolo ties, denim shirts embroi-
"Are you going to show it?" I heard a 50-ish dered with owls. Wooziness was pervasive.
Bohemian, the "captain" of Pow Wow camp, At his Lakeside Talk, Malcolm Forbes said
call out one day as young George went to pee off the deck. that Khrushchev knows the Soviets "are in over their heads,"
Most of it. At least six inches." and even as the name Gorbachev was murmured throughout
"Now, don't be modest, George." the audience, Forbes rambled on, dotty and heedless, 25 years
A screen door creaked on a little house farther up the hill, out-of-date.
and a Bohemian named Richard poked his head out, emerging At Faraway a guy beckoned me into the camp to enjoy "a
from his siesta.
little orange juice." It tasted like lighter fluid sprinkled with
"Do it counterclockwise, Dickie, that's best," the captain mint flakes.
called out. "What's in this?"
"Oh, I've had my hand off it for two minutes now," Rich- "Oh, just a little orange juice," the host repeated, smiling.
ard protested. "What do you call this?" I asked another Farawayer.
.. 4Nd jome uìma:.ìdei,ujied-
m.the uvr/ds only eiiab/sihnien: "Theres a lot of wasted time." "I call it dangerous," he said and told ofhow a dropped cigar
drag qa«n.r This dick-fussing often manifests had once ignited a batch.
itselfas that starkest ofmale nostal- The men of Faraway had captured the rearranged-woman's-
glas, the hankering for the punctual torso sculpture from The Low Jinks and now displayed it
erections of boyhood. According to against a wall, having wedged a fern leaf in "her" crack. Mean-
1979 figures, the average age of while, the tacked-up Owl Hoots drawings dubbed the sculp-
Bohemians is 55. Impotence is on tune the "statue of Piece" and pictured a Bohemian comment-
many people's minds. The poster ing that she would be "fun to dance with." Several ofthe Hoots
outside Monkey Block advertising jokes were at the expense of the homeless. One cartoon had a
this year's Grove play, Pompeii, fea- camper at Bromley turning away a filthyguy with a bag of cans.

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 73


1989 NOVEMBER SPY 74
.. .
open a.m. 10:00 daily the taking .; : to
' ' invite going wasn't club the but Talk,
Bohemian ancient and stick walking .
k a to to
:' Lakeside give asked be waiting
i a spent I.
whittling time of lot who : f.'-_ was He directors. of board che with
Roac Smith on i, .
Creek House Guard feuding was Nixon that said timer
th at guy a were perimeter Grove .,_l not again once would
oi --
miles ten the patrolling people Nixon
--- old- One show. though
Richard as looked It
onl the that been had impression my iro,me/! ei/i iiincs Iamb JiUtét(/ k! /ri,,kj cIrtle: di,,,,,
presidents. about talked
taken I'd hikes On disagree. to want didn't I binoculars. with table my at Bohemians the and bin, waste a into cod red bright
mer for trees the in platforms uneaten an
special built They'd perimeter. the of chunk dropped jacket red a in waiter A
th and roads the guarding men Service Secret were there said dues. annual of top on $850
Sorn Talk. Lakeside day's next the give to going was Reagan about ran back, years two from seen I'd schedules from judging
thai it had Rumor music. of kind that liked Reagan Ronald which, encampment, the for fee the in covered are meals the
saic he and Nest, Owl's from coming music piano house plan, Medlike Club Grove's the In ideal. cherished a was ity
whore heard had waiters the of One before. night the camp mobil- social that visitors aristocratic more remind to had and
ir arrived had son favorite new Bohemians' the Meanwhile, laborers as out started Bohemians early many that imagine
Club." Bohemian the of president becoming to easy It's them. reprimanding is so but forbidden, strictly is
hopeo any have few but States, United ofthe president be can help the Tipping Grove. ofthe values egalitarian but heartless
"Anyoru say, to club the wired had Nixon President Grove, the the reinforce waiters with dealing about rules campments
ai
speech his cancel to him forced corps press the when 1971, en- The sausages. bacon, toast, French eggs, kidneys,
lamb téed
I, Grove. the from Manhattan to shipped branches and bark sau- cod, Alaskan offering were they Today me. before slid was
redwooc with piled room a in Waldorf-Astoria, the at place melon of arc glistening great a down sat I As fruit. perfect with
toot It Bohemian. a as year 40th Hoovers Herbert honoring piled were tables wooden rough The ease. western moneyed of
ceremon a led Nixon president, vice was he when 1953, redolent experience an day, Bohemian the of meal lavish most
Ir way. long a back went club the and Nixon because tunate the Circle, Dining the at breakfast for day that in it made I'd
unfor was feud The un-Bohemian. so been had honorit Road. River the on walking said, cigar a with guy a " dictionary,'
club'i the offended had ago years 15 resignation Nixons blood; the in sympathy find can You said, always grandmother "My
ba was there opinion, informant's my In so. or weekend a for mood. R&R Rand Ayn Grove's the into right fit jokes The
Mar Cave ofvisiting respect the them shown had he until him saying. was he homeless," the not campless, the for is "This
Slansky Paul haircut youre now. napping not hes If o
hippie.type a
helpfully. out points
.
.. he isnt lt haircut. conservative lunch. to attention his
pm a haircut. traditional a as
coiffure turns Reagan schedule. morning
02/27/89 preaidents former the describes hectic his in duty laborious each off
JRV1SED He month. a twice least at him crossed and completed Having
:' I
T sees century. a half nearly for way O
. .

same the exactly hair Rragans ting works. pen the Yep, o
' .
cut been has he says who Drucken
Residence Residence Arrive pm 3:lO Harry barber Hills Beverly script. days the hïmsel(with izes
> O
familiar. president former The o
Shop Barber shots sneeze
Druckers Residence for Depart pm 3:00 my it. puts president former the it for
as administers. who man the - gist cares he and carpet. the (or paid zio
Shop Barber mm) (30 aller. Reagans Bookman, Ralph O Hora. 'inberg. Mark spokesman
Dnackers Haircut pm 2:30
Reagan explains president former
wrong. is with up comes gan the of (an big a Hcs day. each
Office Shop Rea answer the l92. in place took
Bookmans Dr. Barber Druckers at haircut for Depart pm 2:20
limousine his (rom and to travels he
marriage the since fortunately. as on walk to tenant famous most
Un. anyway been. its wsrs many buildings his (or carpet blue a out
Office mm) (5 how exactly out figure to effort roll ro himself upon it taken has riz
Bookmans Dr. Bookman Dr. with Appointment pm 2:15
valiant a be to seem would it 4. Ramc Horatio man Maintenance
Plaza Fox Bookman Dr. with Appointment for Depart pm March scomingupon anniversary Hard. Die in terrorists German
2:
wedding Rcagans the that Given by over taken was that tower office
ht) (I City Century the in suite top.fioor
Office me pm ° magazine. a holding nor luxurious a in works Reagan
o Personal o
O o mm) (60 Office. Oval the in days 3:00
Office Lunch m 12:00
11:OOto- standard his in put he when was it as momentous
5/ ,, and hectic as bit every is suspected, we as routine, His
mm) (50
o ,.\ Time Person am 11:10 doodles. with complete year, this day one for schedule dents
Office\_)
mia) (lo
presi. former ofthe copy a obtained SPY lederhosen? in guys
Ofce Levine Bruce io PhoncaII am 11:00 overweight tipsy, with woods California northern the ing
wander. was he while miss Reagan Ronald did What tract.
(ç:: .
mm) (5 con- of breach for him sue to
Conference 000th I Schullers Robert or Tapiig am 10:30 prepared Kohlberg Jerome
roaj4i partner former his while away was Kravis Henry magazine.
mia) (30 lifestyle new odd his Egg, about buzz superexciting the
Office O Staffe am 10:00
of some on out missed Forbes Malcolm Paris. in mess nial
Plaza Fox O Office t e Arri am 9 post-Bastille.bicenten- big a on out skipped Bocard Michel
Residence Office or am 945
minister prime French plan. debt.reduction new Mexicds
¡)part on touches finishing the putting missed Brady Nicholas
19ß9 28. February .
Tucthy. ..... Relaxes and Back Kkks
President Former One World, Real the n Bock Even
REAGAN RONALD PRESIDENT .
OF SCHEDULE THE
WORK NO AND PLAY ILL
backed bus tour. Rim ground, they'd announced the next days Lake-
rides, the tours were side Talk. The mystery was over. COMMENTS BY
called. Two ofthe buses RONALD WILSON REAGAN, said placards on the
Thi«ir'smtpr pcaÁr: :i, bore vanity license plates wooden signboards. By the time the talk was
rp'riìdrni commemorating the over, the posters had all been lifted by souvenir-
1989 presidential inauguration - they had the seeking Bohemians.
words KINDER and GENTLER stamped on them.
In the afternoon I walked up Kitchen Hill AS DINNER BEGAN THAT NIGHT, PEOPLE WERE
Read to Owl's Nest. I wanted to visit the former already sitting down on the redwood benches at
president. Owl's Nest is sort of an old- the main stage for the Grove play (despite the
Hollywood-corporatist camp. Eddie Albert is poster, a humorless enactment of the destruc-
there, and United Technologies chieftain Harry tion of Pompeii). Everything felt peaceful and
J. Gray, who this year had brought along Union sweet, like death, the good things they say about
Carbide boss Robert D. Kennedy. The camp has it: the end to striving, the sunlight-dappled
a false outer door and two overlapping walls heavenliness. Music sounded softly. A bagpiper
that form an S-shaped entry. Inside, a plump walked in the woods by himself squeez-
Secret Service guy in a Members Only jacket sat ing out a melancholy song, a brass
near a giant wooden owl. There were owl figures band played "Sweet Georgia Brown"
everywhere, notably a silver owl ice bucket on in Cliffdwellers, and in Band camp a
the bar whose head tilted off cleverly. young guitarist and an old pianist ex-
I walked over to the Secret Service guy and perimented with the Isley Brothers'
asked if it was okay to meet the president. He "It's Your Thing."
said Reagan would love it and motioned with an Nearby, a young member ofthe cast
open hand toward the deck. dressed as a woman pulled apart pur-
Reagan was mixing it up with a bunch of old- push gossamer robes to pee. The popu-
timers a few feet away. The first thing I noticed lar redwoods between the Dining and
was that he had finally let his hair go gray. Also, Camp Fire Circles now reeked of urine
he's not as tall as he looked in office. He wore and wore what looked to be a perma-
western gear all the way, a gray-blue checked nent skirt ofwet, blackened soil. For a
western shirt, a white braided western belt, while I thought the bar of salt bracket-
cowboy boots and, in his left breast pocket, an ed on one tree by the lake was an ex-
OWl'S Nest pin with an owl on it. The getup perimental effort to neutralize uric
stood out because it was so fastidious among acids before they hit the roots. lt
men who had let themselves go. turned out to be only a deer lick.
We shook hands firmly (his: small, bony) and Down by the lake I saw three men lying on Bolxrnianj like
chatted. Even one-on-one he has that habit of the ground, talking. When they got up to go to th,-ir urnen

smiling and cocking his head and raising an dinner, one hugged another around the middle
utr:pp*'d dow,,:
hofe Rornai;
eyebrow to encourage you. He projects an auto- from behind and trudged up the bank with him fe1,,,p', headless.

matic, almost druggy congeniality. I worked that way, laughing. chi r:le,j.

hard to respond in kind (I invented an infant "Honey, I lost my ring and I want to sell the
legless lady i'

Mwz,.
son named Ronald Wilson Weiss). We talked house," the third one said, mocking a homecom-
about his guest days at the Grove, before he be- ing speech.
came a member in 1975 (two months after he At dinner I sat across from a young broker
left the California governorship, a week after who shared his wine with me and complained
' George Shultz joined). I asked him about his girlfriend. The meal (tournedos of
In Q ii IV whether it was true that it was at the beef) was festive and communal. The long ta-
AIDS HAS PUT A DAMPER ON THE GROVE'S RIVER ROAD PICKUP SCENE,
Grove in 1967 that he, then the new governor, bies are lit by gas pipes that spring from the
had assured Nixon that he wouldn't challenge ears of wooden owl silhouettes three feet above BUT A MAN ON
him outright for the Republican nomination the table, a haifdozen ofthese per table. Wine
in 1968. gets passed around (though members must sign HIS OWN OFTEN
Reagan didn't get the question the first time for the bottles on a chit). Oid friends move
around. He pitched himself forward in his seat among the tables, kissing one another, and a
GETS INVITED
with a puzzled look, still trying to be genial. I ruddy Bohemian gets up on a bench and, as his
repeated myself, and he said, "Yes, yes, that's BACK TO CAMPS
friends cheer him on, removes his cap and
true," in the famous furry voice. Then an old opens his mouth to sing. Great intimacy is
friend came up and snagged his attention. achieved in song.
BY BROTHER
By the time I got back into the central camp- The physical aspect ofBohemian male bond- BOHEMIANS
NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 75
ing can't be overlooked. Even 100-year-old Grove make the two-year congressman's term four years.
annals have a homoerotic qua1ir with references to reduce the number ofelections that we ha,
to "slender, young Bohemians, clad in economi- because I think that's one ofthe reasons that only
cal bathing suits." Nudity was more common about 53 percent of the people vote. We're just
then. Today AIDS has put a damper on the overdoing it. There's a kind ofemotional experi.
Grove's River Road pickup scene, which Herb ence with an election year, that between state ekc.
Caen used to write about in his San Francisco tions, local elections - and besides, with a two-
Chroniclegossip column.Just the same, a man on year term, a congressman gets elected and the next
his own often gets invited back to camps by gay day he starts campaigning for the next election.'
Bohemians. The weirdest approach I experi- I wanted to ask Reagan about efforts to dc-
enced came from a tall redhead in western wear, segregate the club. It's only a matter of time
a fourth-generation Californian. He wandered before the club gets sued under either Califor-
up with a beer in his hand as I sat reading on a nia's civil-rights act or San Franciscds civil.
bench and, pausing for emphasis, pronounced, rights ordinance, both of which bar sex dis.
'In the beginning the Lord createdcunts." crimination in business establishments. The
Bohemians will be hard-pressed to prove tha
WHEN RONALD REAGAN CAME TO THE GREEN they are a purely private club that falls out-
side the legal defini.
tion ofa business, when
clearly so many mem
III GOT TO TAKE bers participate for
business-related rea-

A SECOND sons. Some day the


walls will fall, though
TO DO SOME- it's hard to see why
any woman would want
T H I N G to join a crowd of old
Republicans chewing
NAUGHTY HERE," REAGAN SAID, "SINCE THIS IS AN ALL-STAG ARRANGEMENT"
The Lamp of parasol the next day, the organ player broke into cigars and reminiscing about potency.
FeIlou'ìhip u'arrnj

Bo1.'ernians to teu'
"California, Here I Come." Reagan said that it I wrote "How do you feel about government
heighu of was good to be back. The Grove had been a and legal efforts to force the Club to admit worn
brotherly loue.
major factor in his "homesickness. . .when you en?" on a piece of Grove stationery and went up
are forced to be away, as I was, for eight years." to the fellow taking questions from my section.
The speech was canned and courtly Though by thegianr owl. Ir was a risk, but then it was my
he cursed now and then, he seemed uncomfort- last hour of my first and last Grove. My bags
able with the word damn, which he said almost were packeda camera in one pocket, a tape
sotto voce. He did take a crack at toilet humor: recorder in the other. Also, I'd tried to grab one
"You know, I got to take a second to do some- ofthe free Bohemian Club walking sticks from
thing naughty here, since this is ari all-stag ar- the museum, something I could lean against my
rangement. You know how many times we've office wall with the B/C shield turned out to re-
been in someone's home and we've wanted to go mind myself that this right-wing fantasia had
to the powder room and we've maybe said, 'Ex- not been just a dream. But there were none left;
cuse me, I've got to powder my nose.' Well, a man Bohemians had taken them all hiking.
did that at a parrç and his hostess said, when The moderator studied the page and asked
he came back, she said, 'You must have the long- who I was and what camp I was in. We were a
est nose in the world.' He said, 'What are you few feet from the Lamp ofFellowship, and after
talking about?' She said, 'Your fly's open.'" looking me over he said he didn't know, this was
Polite laughter. pushing it. He didn't ask Reagan my question,
The only surprises came when he took ques- of course. The rest of the questions were about
tions. He got rousing applause when he called for the world outside the Grove. Then the organist
greater regulation ofthe media. "You know, the struck up "America the Beautiful" and Reagan
press conferences were adversarial bouts - they left in a red truck, waving.
were there to trap me in something or other." Later I heard a Bohemian on the River Road
Reagan also came out in favor of four - year saying it had been brave ofReagan to take on all
terms for congressmen. "You know," he said, for corners. But another Bohemian pointed out it
he started every comment with that phrase, "I really hadn't been a big risk. Who was going io
haven't said this publicly before. I would like to offendihepresident? After all, this was Bohemia.)

76 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


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makes quite an impression. lt's the one liqueur flavored with wild heather honey
; and the finest malt whiskies. Just make sure you have enough. You never know
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when three or four thousand people will stop by. Drambuie. Scottish in origin,
' distinctive in taste, unchanged since 1745.
Drambuie.The stuff legends are made of.
- \..__.__ .-, To send a gift of Dramhuie iiiywhcre in the V.S..where Iegal,caII I8OO2384373.
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It seedy coffee shop. Two playwrights, recognizable, immensely suc-
ITCHY and MOE. cessful, David Marner has spent the last dozen years be-
ITCHY: So?
coming a celebrity if not a minor American iconthe most
significant serious dramatist of his generation. Playwright,
MOE: What.
screenwriter, director essayist and kvetch, he has demonstrated
ITCHY: Okay. a gift for self-packaging and self-promotion unparalleled in
MOE: What? the American theater since the days when Orson Welles was a
ITCHY: Mamet. skinny, hustling tyro.
(Pause.) What PR firm could have come up with a better show than
MOE: Mamet. the turtleneck, the crew cut, the McGeorge Bundy glasses, the
BY aggressive cigar? And, of course, there is the marriage to the
ITCHY: Yeah.
actress daughter of a Pulitzer prizewinning playwright. As for
MOE: David Mamet?
success, consider the fact that the Times once ran a small article
DAVU (Pause.) to announce that Mamets most recent London production had
ITCHY: Who else? got mixed reviews.
IVE MOE: Fuck me. Now, that is success in the American theater.
ITCHY: Why? But what about the oeuvre? Is there magnitude in these
MOE: Get outta here. (Pause.) David works? Or just Mametude? What is the place ofthe plays in the
Mamet.
larger scheme ofart, capitalism and the graduate school careers
of one or two of our grandchildren?
ITCHY: What, you don't like Even Mamet's harshest, most resentful critics can't deny the
MOE: Hey. man's gift for dialogue, that rat-tat-tat scatological hustler's
ITCHY: You don't like Mamet? patter that often sounds like a conversation between two foul-
MOE: Fuck me. mouthed Selectrics from Bay Ridge. At times a Mamet text con-
ITCHY: What. sists of little more than "no' "yes' «but' "and" and "fuck' half of

E D1 HEPL
MOE: Listen.
ITCHY: What.
them italicized. And still one listens raptly and says, Yes, that's how
Americans talk. Particularly American men.
MOE: In nineteen-thirty-whatever, Yet David Mamet knows something much more fundamen-
people thought Clifford Odets was a tal than how Americans talk. Particularly American men. He
also knows that Americans are basically an impatient folk, and
genius too.
that they don't want to sit around inside some theater for too
(Pause.)
long. They want to get out and drink, eat on top of the Marriott
ITCHY: So? Marquis, pick up their cars at the lot and just drive. Americans
MOE: What. don't want the whole megillah, they want the gist. This is, after
ITCHY: Listen. all, the country that invented USA Today and Reader's Digest
MOE: David Mamet is a Potemkin Condensed Books.
playwright. You drive around the In this regard, David Mamet is the writer geared for his
back of David Mamet, you're gonna moment. A full-length Mamet play such as Glengarry Glen Ross
see a lot of boards holding up a face. may run a little under 90 minutes, including a 20-minute inter-
mission, and the two breaks in Speed-the-Plow may even be longer
ITCHY: Listen.
than the whole second act. In fact, in the 22nd century, this may
MOE: What.
be viewed as Mamet's greatest, most enduring gift to the Amen-
ITCHY: David can theater : shorter and quicker full-length plays.
MOE: All right. Thus, the following cultural service. For all of you too itchy
ITCHY: David Mamet. . is the William
,
to even go to the theater, we boiled down the major plays and
Congreve of our time. extracted their essences so you could become acquainted with
(Long pause.) the Master's work in the Master's own insistent way: even short-
MOE: Who thefuck is William Congreve? er, even quicker and even more to the fucking point.

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 79


._-I-I tJ-I- ll IJF WI%I I-UW T
The Complete David MametinaCan Broadway Sets and Players

1. Fold back side and


bottom flaps of stage.
2. Cut sets out of
nagazine page and curve
them so that the tabs fi:
inside the slots.

¿I i. Bendflaps back and


join together at slots to
forni a ring.
2. Slip finished puppet
over desi red finger
3. Shakefinger to
indicate dialogue.

--I_.-.
Performance time: 50 seconds
-I I_W

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___1
ACT I

Goultis Hollywood office. Morning. GOULD: It's a bet. (Into intercom) Karen, would you come ¡n
Fox: Gould, you're the new head of production at this studio here, please? (KAREN enters.) Karen, will you read this book
and I'm an unsuccessful independent producer, and you owe about cosmic bulishit and come to my apartment tonight to
me a favor. report on it?
GOULD: That's right, Fox. KAREN: Yes, sir.
Fox: I've discovered this trashy script. Will you take it to the
CURTAIN
head of the studio and make me rich, Gould?
GOULD: Yes I will, Fox. At ten dclock tomorrow morning.
Fox: Thank you, Gould.
GOULD: I'm a whore. ACT H
Fox: I'm a whore, too. Whis your sexy new secretary?
GOULD: She's just a temp, Fox. Gould's apartment. That night.
Fox: I'll bet you $500 you can't get her into bed. GOULD: Did you read the book, Karen?

80 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


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KAREN: Yes, and I think it's brilliant and that Mr. Fox's script GOULD: Fm not going to recommend your script to the head
is trash. of the studio, Fox. 1m going to recommend the book about
GOULD: But I'm just a whore. cosmic bulishit instead.
KAREN: J think that you're a very sensitive man. Fox: You're only doing this because Karen went to bed with
GOULD: At last, a woman who understands me! you, Gould.
GOULD: Gee, maybe you're right, Fox. (Into intercom) Karen,
CuRTAIN
would you come in here, please? (KAREN enters.) Karen, you're
fired. (KAREN exits.)
Fox: She's a whore.
ACT III GOULD: She's a whore.
Fox: And life is good.
Goukts office. Next just before 10:00 a.m. CURTAIN

u
Performance time: 5 7 seconds

i
J

L___
ACT I
-- ±____ ---a
Scene i. A booth al a Chinese restaurant. ROMA: What is the meaning of life?
WILLIAMSON: Levene, you're a failure. POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: I don't know.
LEVENE: Forty fift)ç sixty years ago I was the best goddamn ROMA: Me neither. Would you like to buy some real estate?
husder of swampland in the history of the real estate scams!
(Longpause.) Now, I happen to need some leads so that I can CURTAIN
win a Cadillac as top salesman of the month. And you're my
boss. So, Williamson?
WILLIAMSON: You can't have any leads. ACT II
LEVENE: Oh, please, John, please?
The real estate office. The pla« has been ransacked.
Scene 2. Another booth at the restaurant. WILLIAMsON: Aaronow, someone broke into the office last
MOSS: Aaronow. night and stole the leads.
AARONOW: Duhh. AARONOw: Duhh.
MOSS: Somebody should steal the leads from the real estate office. WILLIAMSON: Was it you?
AARONOW: Dubh. AARONOW: Duhh.
Moss: I mean you and me, Aaronow. Tonight. (ROMA enters.)
(AARONOW thinks.) ROMA: Gracious heavens. The office has been ransacked?
AARONOW: But wouldnt that be illegal? WILLIAMSON: Yes. Was it you, Roma?
ROMA: Fuck you, John.
Scene 3. Another booth. (LEVENE enters.)

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 83


LEVENE: Hand over the Cadillac! I just made a huge sale! ROMA: You mean . . . that's the end? That's all?
WILLIAMSON: Sorry, Levene. You broke into the office WILLIAMSON: Yes.
last night and stole the leads. (To POLICEMAN) Take ROMA: Oh, okay. (Smalipause, followed by a brief silence.)
Levene away. Life. . . is lift. I'm going back to the Chinese restaurant.
(POLICEMAN takes LEVENE away.) CURTAIN

l%,,I rI nt_J F FL_I


Performance time: 53 seconds

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ACT I
CuRTAIN

A junk shop. Morning.


DON: Bob, you're a young punk. ACT II
BOB: Fuckin right I am.
DON: A small-time thief. Thejunk shop. That night.
BOB: Fuckin' right I am. TEACH: Everything is going wrong, Don. It looks like I can't
DON: But we never use the word "thief," do we, Bob? do the job after all.
BOB: Fuckin' right we don't. DON: Are you just making excuses, Teach?
DON: And do you fence stolen goods through my junk shop? TEACH: Don, luck you and the gene pool you swam in on.
BOB: We never talk about it. (Aside to audience) I'm being a failure.
DON: Fuckin' right we don't. (BOB enters.)
(Pause.) BOB: Don, how would you like to buy this rare buffalo-head
BOB: So what do we talk about, Don? nickel?
DON: The nature oflife. And we say "luck" a lot. TEACH: Did you steal that from the very valuable coin collec-
(TEACH enters.) tion I was supposed to steal, Bob?
TEACH: Fuckin' l:fe. BOB: No. (TEACH hits him.) Ow! (BOB bleeds.)
DON: Is it bad, Teach? DON: Fuck you, Teach.
TEACH: It's bad. TEACH: Fuck you, Don.
DON: Go for coffee, Bob. (BOB exits.) Bob's going to steal a BOB: Fuck you, Don and Teach. (Pause.) Donis life good
very valuable coin collection for me tonight, Teach. or bad?
TEACH: Bob's too young. DON: Shut up, Bob.
DON: You're right, Teach. You should steal the coins instead. TEACH: Ah, heck.
TEACH and DON: But let's not tell Bob.
CURTAIN

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Scenes I through ¡6: DANNY andhisfriend BERNIE are drinking. DANNY: Mmn.
BERNIE: All women are alike, Danny. (Pause.)
DANNY: Gosh, Bernie. Is that really true? BERNIE: I gather you don't agree with me?
BERNIE: Yes, essentially they're bitches. (BERNIE gets lost. DEBORAH enters. She and DANNY lie
DANNY: Or whores? down again.)
BERNIE: Or whores. DANNY: Masturbation.
( They exit. Enter DEBORAH and her roommate, JOAN.) DEBORAH: Penises.
JOAN: All men are alike, Deborah. (Pause.)
DEBORAH: They certainly are, Joan. DANNY: I think I'm falling in love with you.
JOAN and DEBORAH: They're men. (He does so. DEBORAH vanishes. DANNY gets up and/or some
(Exit DEBORAH. BERNIE enters.) reason meets BERNIE in a toy shop.)
BERNIE: Hi there. BERNIE: Danny, do you know that when I was a child, an old
JOAN: Get lost. man once put his hand on my genitals in a movie theater?
(He does so. So does she. Enter DEBORAH. DANNY enters, too.) DANNY: No.
DANNY: Hi there. (All o/a sudden, DEBORAH andJOAN are at a restaurant.)
DEBORAH: Get lost. DEBORAH: Fm going to move in with Danny.
DANNY: Want to go out with me? JOAN: Uh-oh.
( They exit. BERNIE enters and lies down and stares at the ceiling.) (DEBORAH moves in with DANNY. JOAN goes somewhere else.)
BERNIE: Is there a metaphysical point to broads? DANNY: Where's the shampoo?
(BERNIE goes away. DANNY andDEBORAH enter andlie down.) DEBORAH: Will you still love me when I'm old?
DANNY and DEBORAH: Goodriight! DANNY: Why are you putting on dirty panty hose?
(They/all asleep. Then they get ap andgo to a bar BERNIE is (He silently/ails out o/love with her)
there. DANNY introduces BERNIE and DEBORAH.) DEBORAH: Are we all right?
DANNY: Deborah, Bernie. Bernie, Deborah. DANNY: Shut up, Deborah.
DEBORAH and BERNIE: Hello! DEBORAH: Shut up yourself, Danny. (Pause.) I'm moving back
BERNIE: You're a nice girl, Deborah. (Aside to DANNY) Prob. to my old apartment with Joan.
ably a whore. (She does so.)
(DEBORAH exits. DANNY and BERNIE go to their job.) JOAN: All men are alike, Deborah.
BERNIE: Danny, people sometimes have sexual intercourse DEBORAH: Oh, be quiet.
under very peculiar circumstances. (Meanwhile, DANNY and BERNIE are at a beach, ogling women.)
DANNY: Is that true, Bernie? DANNY: All women are alike, Bernie.
(BERNIE gives examples. They exit. DEBORAH andJOAN enter) BERNIE: Yes, they certainly are.
JOAN: Is there a metaphysical point to life? DANNY: Bitches.
(DEBORAH does not answer She andJOAN probably go shopping. BERNIE: Or whores. And life?
DANNY and BERNIE suddenly reappear) DANNY: Life is good, Bernie.
BERNIE: Dont fall in love, Danny. BERNiE: Life is very good.
DANNY: Mmn.
BERNIE: Deborah's just another bitch. CURTAIN

86 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


4v
Something White. For Colorful Moments.

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UlI'LECTS ALL 111E COLORS OF R LIFE. I.IGIIT MOODS BRIGhT MOMENIS
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In his 1955 book, The Exurbariites, A. C. Spectorsky argued that the
and thirtysomethings who happen to live in the city but whose hearts
commuters in gray flannel suits who marched through Grand Central and sensibilities are distinctly suburban. To help those of you who
Terminal weren't confirmed suburbanites but were at heart urban- want to live where you can get ethnic food but whose idea of ethnic
ites"short-haul expatriates [who] really never leave town, though food is a Domino's pizza, who like the idea of cheap, fast public trans-
they live . . . on the North Shore." Times, of course, change, and around
portation but insist upon keeping o car, who are attracted to quirky
New York nowadays one sees a different group of expatriates: twenty- boutiques but buy at Aca Joe, here is
-I- I-I E: I I%*I I
THE SPORTING LIFE
Public Tennii Cour:,: Manhattan Nissan,
Centrai Park Tennis Courts,
Central Park at 93rd Street
u! =i :HiÇA 799 Eleventh Avenue
Zumbach Sports Cats,
629 West 54th Street
Crosstown Tennis,
14 West 31st Street Service Sta:ioni:
The Midtown Tennis Club, Gaseteria,
341 Eighth Avenue 300 Lafayette Street
o Sutton East Tennis, 1995 ist Avenue Station O
488 East 60th Street Inc.. 1995 First Avenue
Village Courts,
110 University Place
:\\ (
-\\\ Phil's West 44th Street
Service Station,
624 Tenth Avenue
Skauboarding Emporiumi:
:_
(;OO Highway Lodgings:
Soho Skateboards Ecc.,
80 Varick Street Howard Johnson Motor O
Lodge, Eighth Avenue at
Skate N.Y.C.. Slat Street
445 East 9th Street
Skyline Motor Inn,
Miniature Golf 725 Tenth Avenue
Putters Paradise, FOOD FOR THE
48 West 21st Street THOUGHT LESS
o The Trump-owoed Gotham Fuddruckers Hamburgers,
Golf at the Woliman Rink, 87 Seventh Avenue South
Central Park at 60th Street
o DriveThru McDonald's, O
Tallyho. Ahoy, Kawabunga.': 600 West 125th Street
o Claremont Riding Stables. Dallas BBQ:
175 West 89th Street 27 West 72nd Street
Goldbergs' Marine, 132 Second Avenue
12 West 37th Street
4O)J 21 University Place
Island Windsurfing.
1623 York Avenue Domino's:
Sailways Windsurfing. 65 Cooper Square
859 Broadway i61 Maiden Lane O
SHOPPING SPREES Ultracon ecoica:
A Galleria by An) All-in'One Food Courts:
Other Name: 677 Lexington Avenue. at
The South Street Seaport 56th Street (Roy Rogers,
Dunkin Donuts. Del Taco,
Trump Tower, Houlihan's)
725 Fifth Avenue
1889 Broadway, at 63rd
Herald Center, Street (Pizza Hut Express,
One Herald Square Roy, Dunkin Del)
(complete with food court.)
14 East 42nd Street
Ciricorp Center. (Croissant de France,
1S4
Kentucky Fried Chicken,
M_Jle.5'
YorId Pinncòat Center.
r
5629 ..
Street (Le Croivane Shop.
on West Street bctwt'vn ,
Vesey and Liberty Streets 7OO Kentucky I¼ied, Nathan's
o Hut, Dunkin' and
L.A..is/ Shopping Strip Everything Yogurt)
Musi-Me/lt:
WIDE-BODY
o 558-580 Second Avenue, SUPERMARKETS
between 30th and 32nd
Streets A&P,
'35-547
La Guardia Place,
near West 3rd Street
Shopping complex at
360-374 Avenue of the
Americas, ust below
:- .
uI it e
r Io Union Square East
Pathmark of PikC Slip,
227 Cherry Street
(complete with parking lot)
Grand Union, 130 Bleecker
Street, at La Guardia Place
Waverly Place
- ..t.. f (adjoining La Guardia
¿24tt j- 5/.S 'i ''°tfht Gardens)
su PER-MEGA-METRO- Pioneer Food Court,
CIN E-OCTOPLEXES 80 Carmine Street, at
Varick Street (complete
Che[sca Cinemas, 260 West Ii,s
with shopping cart ramp)
23rd Street (featuring nine
vide Screens) DO-IT-YOU RSE 1F
Loews 84th Street Theatre, Lumber Yards;
231Q Broadway
Canal Lumber,
Criterion Center, 18 Wooster Street
45th Street at Broadway
Wood-O-Rama,
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Abigail Mama Smith
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an/ a i'd NIh ¿4e e4f/ZW; ci«a tY1?jèmi« ? eThem U

here was a time when recluses were serious about their reclusiveness. Oh
sure, there was always the fuzzy photo of one crossing o busy midtowr
street, Or the museum curator who would discover one upstate somewhere. Mostly
though, they were pretty good at being rarely seen and never heard. Then, in this last,
confessional decade, they started coming out of hiding. The classical pianist Glenr
Gould may hove had the dramatic integrity to drop dead before his comeback, bui
other notable recluses have been less selfish with their presence. Brian Wilsor
resurfaced as a thinner, better-groomed nut; Marlene Dietrich narrated a movi
about hcrsclf (and followed up with an autobiography); and then come the rumor thaI
former first lady turned career girl Jacqueline Onassis was trying to sign ultra-reclus
Greta Garbo to write an autobiography for Doubleday. Setting aside the iron
inherent in the junior recluse convincing the wizened veteran to come out ol
mothballs, the recluse movement will suffer something of a setback if Garbo, thc
recluse against whom all others ore measured, talks. For those once-celebratec
BY ROBERT
people who hove been able to stay out of the public eye for o while (or who have beer
TR AC HT EN B ERG
forced out of it), o convenient venue for ostentatious reemergence lately has been thc
tell-all book. But this is not the only option. Van Cliburn, for instance, simply camc
back in the flesh last summer, thereby sparing former hairdressers and high schoo
dates the loss of dignity that o tell-all memoir involves. lt is in just such a spirit

I.Iv k. :IUJ First, BE RICH. Duke's father,


J ames Buchanan Duke, the
Lucky Strike mogul and endower of Duke University
that spy invites the following recluses baci
to work (wherever age, agility and mentol
health permit, of course). For those whc
would like to pick up their careers when
LIFE.STYLE LESSONS
died when his only child, Doris, was 13. He left her
they left off (like that thoughtful Van
FROM DORIS DUKE, $70 million in cash ($492 million in 1989 dollars)
and an array of trust funds. This admixture of Cliburn), we have taken the liberty ol
THE TOBACCO HEIRESS
emocional and financial infamy led the press to label choosing a figure currently working ir
WHO ADOPTED A her, along with Barbara Hutton and Gloria Vanderbilt. their field who would please us very much
a 'poor little rich girl. She remains rich (indeed, she by giving up his slot for the returnín9
BELLY DANCER
may be the country's wealthiest woman, with a fortune pro. This nominee would promptly go
AND BAILED OUT estimated at between $800 million and $3 billion,
into deep seclusion himself, thereby
IMELDAMARCOS
$300 million of it kept perpetually liquid in a "mad
money cash account), but she is no longer little: replenishing the recluse pool. Who

BY P. J. CORKERY 76-year-old Doris Duke stands over six feet tall. says we don't offer solutions'
In addition to having money, there are two

90 SPY NOVEMBER I9i9


Jay Ward, 69 Kay Thompson, 75 George Huntington
Hartford H, 78

HIDEOUT Los Angeles East 57th Street. East 30th Street,

'I Producer. creator and


Manhattan Manhattan

Singer-actress-musical Inheritor of$90 million


writer ofTbe I3a//u'j,ikle arranger-author ofEloijr A&P gmcery fortune
S/jo:'

LAST 1941,scarred in Two- 1987, plaintiflin a suit 1984.oversaw production Ownerofan island in the
POSITION Faced Wonia,, against Random House ofCap'n Crunch cereal 1970, wrote her first non- Bahamas (1961-73). a
HELD commercials Eloise book, Mi.0 Pooky theater in Hollywood
Peckinpaiigh and Her S«rri (1953-64), a museum in
Pris'aie Boyfricndi Compiere New York (1964-69) and
With ielefrbonr Nllmbert Show magazine (1961-66.
1970)

Takes long walks \Vatchcs a lot ofTV. but Apartment-sitter (her Prisoner in own home
Jays he writes all the time Semiretired; manages the own)
Dudley Do-Right
Emporium in 1.os Angeles

LAST Chatty Lit ig mus Anuised tjnavai labk Shy. drugged


KNOWN

MOOD lII a

On promotional tour to
have Moosylvania rm!I .-

_________________- declaredastate,Wardwas
Last year. six ofGarbos Alter king surprised by a escorted offthe White In 1982 Hartford was
used Dr. Scholls foot pads phone call and a visit from House grounds during the evicted from his New
were sold in New York for Salinger at a Flortda Cuban Missile Crisis; Has not given ¡yana York apartment alter
$25 apiece dinner theater, TV actress commissioned a stuffed Trump her consent to sleeping through episode
Elainejoyce, formerly of dummy olhimselfto reinstall The Plaza's Eloise in which es-wile Elaine
1h Don Knoitj Shou', greet guests at his suite; is Liza MinnelIis Kay tied up his nak
called Salinger 'really daughte?s wedding godmother 17- year-old
outrageous!" tape-recorded voice said, secretary and
"Hello, Fm Jay Ward and shaved her
this is costing me a head 1
fortune

SUGGESTED Rodentish hat-abuser Jowly. 25-year- Unrepentantly successful High-strung pseudo- Shuttle-owning
Rosanna Garfield creatorjim Davis
::ee author actress-singer-memoirist dilettante-megalomaniac
Arquette aston Phyllis Donald Trump
.
}
Newman
-
¶7-
NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 91
Wells Lawrence. 61 Phil Spector. 48 ]Terrtnce Malick, 45 Thomas Pynchon, 52

HIDEOUT Neauphle-Le.Cháccau. DaII.t ,T xas, and St. Beverly Hills Thxas Boston, perhaps
Fmnce Jean-Cap-Ferrac. France I (as oí 1984)

f.

&mitolcrable child Careergirl.Jack Tnktr & Schizoid record produr Inrcsting hIm (IitC(t()1 Publicity-
singeractress who saved Partners shy author
tJniversal Studios Irorn uíparanoiac ,

bankruptcy in the 1930s novels

LAST 1948, starred in For the CEO of Wells. Rich, 198 I , helped Yoko Ono 1978, directed Days of 1984, published old
POSITIOr1 LoveofMary Greene advertising with her easy-listening Heaccn; 1987. wrote stories under the title
HELD album Seaioi ofG/ais unused screenplay for S/ow L&zrncr
, Jerry Lee Lewis hiopic.
Greai Balli of Fire

- --_____ ----- ----__ - -- -- --.____


.l!1:1:l:II French CEO ofWclls. Rich, Unemployed schizoid Rumored to E a script Living oil $3l0,IX)O
.I(4IIl[.J housewife Greene advertising (by record producer doctor, a drifter and an MacArthur Fellowship,
.; telephone to New York asid rea(ler granted in 1988: Vine/and,

- ,. . office from Texas or the a new book, will out in


.. south of France) February

LAST Graceful (to the fans who Relaxed iôwhv Spiritual Rciiuivt
KNOWN
:r::i:n:::;:;h

Durhin cakes her clothes


___________I
Despite nonauendancc at During their marriage. Never finished an Rumored co be working
to the dry cleaners herself office, likes co review Spector saul that if svifc assignment to profile on a book about an
telephone bills and Ronnie ever kil him, he leftist lxlitkal theorist insurance claims adjuster
business trip expense would kill her and then Rigis Debray Ir The New who socs tojapan to
reports of her employees display her body Pr& assess property damage
in a glass coffin inflicted by Godailla:
hekeptinhis speaks in

SUGGESTED Substance-abusing child Advertising monopolist Despised record executive Careless auteur (.)wlish humanist
REPLACEMENT scar turned teen and chiefexecutive docenc Irving Azoff John Landis Kurt VonnegucJr.
survivor l)rew i ; Charles Saatchi

F_ Rarmore

92 SPY NOVEMBER 3989


important prerequisites for world-class reclusehood:
BEING OSTENTATIOUSLY PROTECTIVE OF ONE'S PRIVACY,
Bobby Fischer, 16 Forrest Mars Elvis Presley, 54 of course, and, paradoxically, INDULGING IN THE
Sr., 85; OCCASIONAL OSTENTATIOUS BOUT OF ECCENTRIC AND
Forrest Mars UNNECESSARY PUBLIC BEHAVIOR. Greta Garbo is the
Jr.. 58; and person most often associated with the former; Duke,
Southern California (as of John Mars, 54 Kalamazoo, Michigan now that Howard Hughes is dead and all those bottles
1985) filled with his urine have presumably been emptied,
Virginia, Las Vegas and/or is the highly entertaining champion of the latter.
New Jersey Like any great, madcap recluse, Duke resurfaces
Professional only occasionally, and unpredictably. She made an
Kingof
gamesman-nerd Respectively: owner of rock 'n roll especially unlikely splash last year when, with a flurry
Mars Inc. candy company; of statements damning the American judicial system,
co-president olMars Inc.; she put up the $5 million bail for Imelda Marcos after
co-president olMars Inc. her federal indictment for embezzlement. Then, a week
later, Duke, twice-married but childless, announced
1972, WOn world chess I 98 1 , Forrest Sr. began Bloated scarf bufl and that she was legally adopting her constant companion
championship against Ethel M. chocolates, a arena singer ofthe last five years, 35-year-old Chandi Heiner, the
Boris Spassk) firm specializing in hippie-ish sister-in-law ofTriangle Industries chairman
liqueur-flavored candies, Nelson Peltz. Heiner is Duke's resident belly dancer
while his two idiot sons turned resident bookkeeper and personnel director,
continued to fight for and, certain friends and employees of Duke's suggest,
control of Mars Inc. a goiddigger. She is also, one might add, Duke's most
cozy intimateand 40 years her junior.
Moves around a lot Respectively: retired Wanders supermarket Prior to bailing
executive; slovenly aisles out Marcos, Duke's
executive; shy executive most notorious pub-
lic escapade oc- .

curred in 1966, when,


leaving the drive-
Delusional, anti-Semitic. Nutty. nuttier and Irregular way of her Newport
Fischer is a conspiracy nuttiest mansion, she acci-
theorist who had flllings dentally pushed the
removed from his teeth to accelerator and fatally
prevent che government flattened her then-
from electronically companion Eduardo
invading his mind Tirella. (Although
Extremely rareentire servants later re-
family of recluses. Forrest ported having heard,
Arrested in 1981 for Sr. once dropped to his the night before the
vagrancy. Fischer was knees at a stati meeting In 1987 a Hart campaign deathblow, a loud and hat,
jailed for two days (police and said, "I pray for Milky worker said, "The ugly argument between Duke car: ib reclus.', tools
had mistaken him for a Ways. I pray for Snickers.' probability ofGary Hart and Tirela apparently pro- 1h. trod&Duhm iii 1981
bank robber). Upon Forrest Jr. likes to pick his seeking the nomination yoked by Tirella's threats to leave her, the incident wus
rclease, wrote booklet nose, belch and go for president of the officially ruled an accident.)
called I Was Thriuredip, the barefoot while attending United States is as
And then, of course, there are those public
Pasadena Jal/haute. business meetings. unlikely a possibility as appearances that don't make headlines. In 1971 Duke
Chapter headings include Visiting a company plant, believing Elvis Presley is began singing with a local black gospel choir in
Brutally Handcuffed, J ohn Mars once decided to still alive" Nutley, NewJersey (not far from Duke Farm, her
insulted. Choked" and camp out in che parking 2,700-acre estate), and she even performed in a gospel
Stark Naked lot in his Winnebago concert at Madison &uare Garden. She extended
hospitality to the church's ministers by inviting them
The Amazing Home-wrecking Furry-lipped casino up co Newport and our co her Honolulu estate and
Kreskin billionaire Sid Bass's entertainer-tcnacious
ordering the staff co attend to their every need; their
family of Fort litigant \Vaync needs in Hawaii are said by a houseman to have
\Vorth Newton )
included a case of vodka a week per clergyman. Duke
evidently enjoyed riding around conservative Newport
wich the two black pastors; she once announced to one
ofher staff, "We'll blow these people's minds:' »+

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 93


In August 1988 Duke was sported at the JVC described by a staff member as looking like a
NewportJazz Festival, which usually provides the flashlight with a corkscrew on the end. When passed
occasion for her sole public appearance of the over food, the corkscrew would rotate. The direction of
summer, accompanied by two bodyguards. This the rotation indicated whether the food was toxic or
particular outing drew stares primarily for the most no ntoxi c.
unusual way that they were escorting her. Each Another healer had a reputation for being able to
extended an elbow, which Duke then clutched. Slowly cure sick pets. Since Duke is especially fond of her
and carefully she made her way, supported by her two dogs (lengthy discussions about outfitting her bitches
massive human canes. And just a few months ago she with IUDs took place at Newport, and are the subject
was one ola dozen cosponsors ola New York dinner of official correspondence between Duke and various
honoring Martha Graham. (Like Graham, Duke in hirelings), this healer was brought in to Duke Farm
1971 created a dance foundation and company, to take a look at them. But the healer wore out her
hoping to dance with welcome when a
the troupe; when she ' farmhand found her
realized that she couldnt behind the barn
control the company as injecting the dogs with
she wanted to, she shut poison so that she could
the foundation down then "cure" them.
and repossessed the According to an
dancers' shoes.) ex-lover, Duke fancies
But while it generally that she herself has
takes wealth and a gid- miraculous healing
dy ambivalence about powers; she has
privacy to become an even tried to cure
important American Ferdinand Marcos,
recluse, the reclusive- apparently
eccentric life-style in- unsuccessfully.
volves five other par-
ticular attributes. They
are a CREDULOUS IN- ADOPT A CURIOUS
TEREST IN THE SUPER- HEALTH.AND-DIETARY
NATURAL (such as that REGIMEN
pursued by Brian Wi!- When not trying to
son); a cuuous HEALTH- purchase a spiritual
AND-DIETARY REGIMEN life outright, the
(Hughes); an OBSESSION self-sequestered
WITH ANIMALS (Michael millionaire is
Jackson); PROBLEMATIC wont to approach
AND IMPERMANENT LOV- matters of the spirit
ERS (Christina Onassis); through bodily
and a love-hate relation- oirig been pilot.d to o comfy nurturing, through
ship with the little people that typically amounts to a choir by o beefy bodyguard (at left), physical supplementi ng.
SERVANT PROBLEM (the Royal Family). Doris Duke, it Duke wilti at last August's Newport
Jazz Festival.
Through cleansing.
.
becomes clear in the course of interviews with 40 Duke is as anxious about her
acquaintances, past and present, and a dozen servants, OWfl health as she is about that of her animals. For
embodies all five. years she carried around with her a BOAC flight bag
loaded with vitamins and other pills. And one
longtime servant, who refers to Duke as S'an
DEVELOP A CREDULOUS INTEREST IN THE SUPERNATURAL experimenter,' speaks of Duke's many injections: I
Duke has a wide acquaintance with the world of faith would get the supplies for her. . . . She was doing some
healers and ESP practitioners. Every Monday morning sort of drugs - collagen, monkey brain extract,
a servant buys her the National Enquirer, the Star -and placenta. . . . Every once in a while she'd be flying, and
other national tabloids at the nearest supermarket. she wouldn't know my name."
Miss Duke scrutinizes these in the manner of millions As for food, the residence in NewJersey is a working
of Americans, but then she does what other tabloid farm whose cows supply dairy products for Duke
readers can only dream of doing: she phones the who, in turn, obliges her servants to eat these products
psychics and healers and then flies them in to meet unpasteurized. She is also fond of beef testicles fried
with her. with butter and shallots. 'I always got a kick ordering
One imported shaman produced a magic wand a couple sets of beef balls," says one servant.

94 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


Duke is concerned with Last winter
the outside of her body as well. Duke flew the
The bath has to be just so. two camels from
"Shed make us go down Onto Newport to her
the rocks and into the water home in Hawaii
and come up with basketfuls and had one of
of seaweed," says a longtime her footmen list
Newport servant, 'which we'd them on a
have to cart up health-inspection
to the bath- manifest as
room and load ,z cattle, thus
into the bath- ett, Duke ,urely b.n9 helpiuf exempting them
tub. Then we to a hree in 1987; a&c»'e, from the 120-day quarantine
had to hose in ber Newpo,t "Cottoge" (pet
required ofhousehold animals
seawater. It J ccimI, not viilbli). .

shipped to the islands. This


,

was an incred- angered some public officials (particularly given that


ible arrange- some visitors to Hawaii are unable even to bring in
ment of hoses Seeing Eye dogs), including Honolulu city councilman
and pumps going in windows and down walls and Neil Abercrombie; he accused the state officials who
across lawns, over fences and down rocks into the had allowed the camels to enter the state of "pandering
sea, to get che seawater for her bathtub when she to the weird obsession" of an "obscenely rich woman."
wanted it.
"Once," the servant says, 'J had the tub in her
private bathroom filled with saltwater and seaweed HAVE STORMY ROMANTiC ENTANGLEMENTS
all heated to 70 degrees with immersion heaters. I was Used to getting what they want when they want it,
on my hands and knees with a tropical fish tank recluses often lack an ability to work out personal
strainer, trying to get the shrimp and little fish that domestic problems gracefully. In 1976, for instance,
had come along out of the tub. Duke threw out her Moroccan lover ofeight years,
"Miss Duke walks in and says, 'What are you doing?' Leon Amar when she suspected that he was involved
and I said, 'I'm trying to get this wildlife out of the in the disappearance of some jade objects from Duke
tub,' and she squeals, 'Oh, don't do that. Leave them. Farm in New Jersey. She also threw over another
That's good for me." intimate, pianistJoe Castrobut, to be fair, she did
overhear him one day alluding to the grandeur of

GROW EXCEPTIONALLY ATTACHED TO MANY


NONHUMAN UFE FORMS
Come with us now to Rough Point, one of the
last of the huge old Newport cottages, where
Duke tends to spend her autumns. Come with
us now to a glorious setting seemingly inhabited
by a bag lady ofmeans. Secluded from the road
by stone walls, and from the sea by stockade
fences, the estate resembles a dormitory at a
berterjesuit university. Huge television antennae
cover the chimneys ofthe servants' wing. Alsatian
guard dogsat least eight, perhaps eleven
roam the grounds. Trashy pink plastic barrels
and buckets dot the lawn, especially near the
yellow-and-white parry tent set up near the
solarium,
To completely befuddle the sightseer, there not yet totally redutive Duki
are, one August morning, emerging from the joined New Jerzey's Angelic Rough Point and actually
party tent, lumbering toward the French doors Choit in 1971,
announcing into the thin air
of the mansion a few feet away, two massive double- Someday this will all be mine."
humped camels, Princess and Baby, each about 12 feet It is this habitual impermanence that makes it
high, each wearing a pink muzzle. They are Duke's especially difficult to reckon who will inherit Duke's
current pets; her sole entertainment in the summer of fortune. Chandi Hefner would be the logical heir, now
1988 was a lawn fete in their honora camel coming- that she has graduated from great and good friend to
out party daughter. But then again, servants say that Heiner's

NOVEMBER 1989 SP't' 95


adoption followed a particularly noisy row last autumn a mixture of rumination and violent outbursts. La
in which Heiner threatened to leave unless Duke made maaided evenings, it seems, tend to end with
her her daughter. This (and the fact that when a lover Duke declaiming wild, would-be-wise observations,
threatened to leave once before, he met with a prompt conclusions, corollaries and dogmas on a variety of
accidental death) gives the relationship a somewhat topics. Leon Amar recalls that one night at Rough
murky, perhaps transitory hue. Point, Duke suddenly bellowed, "Im not going to leave
a will. It won't mean a thing to me then. And rhey can
kill themselves over the money." With that, a La ma
BEHAVE ERRATICALLY WITH THE SERVANTS bottle hit the wall.
Bearing constant witness to the carryings-on of the When not cleaning up the mess from shattered
recluse are, of course, the recluse's servants. Although sherry bottles, Duke's servants can sometimes be
the job affords one the opportunity to collect an found taking mild revenge on her. Although Duke
elaborate stockpile of col- insists on having yogurt
orful anecdotes that, when shipped in from her New
ct
told later, will inspire both oU
Jersey farm, she is often
sympathy and prurient in- Mem°'90, secretly fed Dannon, And
terest, there is nevertheless although she requests
little glory in the work 'ct. bottled water with lunch,
while one is actually do-
ing ir. And, one might
add, the Basia Johnson
'" T''
2t
she is frequently served
the notoriously smelly,
pondish Newport tap
scenario is the exception water. Once, in Newport,
rather than the rule, I,ukp:i', she requested that a maple
Duke has a reported
268 guards, caretakers
and other servants spread
«

,
. ' E%I,DtN " tree whose placement she
didn't líkc be moved.
'Jimmy," she told a
throughouther fourhomes. «.'
,'.-. I--.
gardener, "I want you
True to archetype, she is to take that maple and
extraordinarily demand- give it a quarter turn to
ing of them, usually re- the left. Now, I'm going
quiring that they work on back to the Point and
Christmas Day. One recur- nckr. ?AflM. .
have my lunch. Move the
rent source of difficulty is tree and I think it'll be
Duke's ineptitude with all fine." She left, and
: Jimmy trimmed some
mechanical objects. Once su'rncr

a servant found her bang- limbs rather than unearth


ytthN 1p r

ing the rug with a vacuum


.

and move the cree. "Oh,


cleaner, yelling, "This that looks marvelous,"
£1I
damn thing won't work" Duke proclaimed on her
"That's how she thought return, and went off
you operated it," the ser- finding other things to
vant says. "She thought '"" "move."
you hit the rug with it." From Rhode island ro
Another time Duke in- . moit.r o Oahu, local workmen
sistedhaving already thrown a security guard out of communication kUlsknowi and merchants not on the
the room for his alleged incompetencethat an thate4fctiv.cemmondiorpthY Duke payroll arc reluctant to
ond thr,at.ning.
work for her, since she is a
.
'

employee who lived ten miles away rush to her house


.

to fix the reception on her TV set; he arrived shortly slow payer and is convinced that they are all crying
thereafter, only to find that what Duke was trying to steal from her (which may be true). But given
to watch was a pay-per-view cable show without the way that Duke harangues those who are on the
paying. payroll, perhaps it is us as well that they don't.
One way insiders predict Duke's moods is by noting Upon being told by Duke's own physician that she
her beverage selection for the evening. "If she ordered was working too hard, Annie Snyder, a cook at
a bottle of La ma sherry," says one, "we knew we were Duke Farm, was summarily fired and evicted from her
in for a rough night. But ifshe ordered champagne, Duke Farm apartment. And security man Jack
we knew the night would be fun," Duke's sherry McCarthy, who actually died while on the job in
evenings, sometimes spent in front of the television Newport, had his final paycheck recalled and refigured
sec (she is particularly fond of police shows and has precisely to the day and hour of his death. (It came
all 109 episodes of Charlie's Angels on videotape), are to $28.) )

96 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


No longer the hottest thing
to come from Mexico.

We dont mean Monte Tca is hot as in OW! My mouth


isa smoldering inferno!'
We mean its hot as in "WOW! This unique tequila based
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that will appeal to tequila lovers and non-tequila lovers alike!"
Though many choose to express themselves on the
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Nb matter how you drink it, with 9J, on the rocks, or on a
comfortable cushioned sofa, Monte Teca tastes great! f
Don't put it off til maiíana. Try ¡t today! MONTE TECA LIQUEUR
989 Imported by ChatharT rnports Inc. NY., NY. Liqieur 30% AIc. by Vol. (60 proof) AN ORDER FROM THE BORDER
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NEW YOR KS PREMIERE ISSUE!


NJOR RA1 FLNKS

THE GOOD NEWS:


WE WANNA
OLD HER 1-JAN 1)
(;oldvatcrs Going
(O Lose!
spy Goes Oli a
e 'ith Luci Baines
Till BAI) NEWS:
oh nson

S Its All the Way


With LBJ'

Cast 'y hc Wzerci Gypsy I4dy on chc Ground Flöor) 1. THE WARREN COMMISSION REPORT A lone gunman And Ringo s rhr talented nn -
WtLThR MON}IEIT
Publisher and editor in chief
WiLLIAM ZECKENDORF »1..
Pub1shing dire«or Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, as we used to say only

VICrOR NAVASKY
Executive editor
Yeah, last year, Hey-la, hey.la. But we're living in a
different world now. Dallas? Anthony Quinn's
love child? Strictly '63. So straighten your Jax,
WALTER BERNARD put aside that greasy kid stuff (we are now, in
Art director
CHRISTOPHER CERF. BUCK HENRY
Senior editors
I J cidentally, addressing two or aflore of you, and
flOt of the same gender), pack your jet-away
bags, and let's move on, shall we? After all,
CLIFFORD IRVING
Chief of research

TOM WOLFE
Staff wriicr
,r ¿3.,
. the assassination report from Earl Warren's
commission is out, things are heating up in
Vietnam (this year's Bay of Pigs? or next year's
Korea?), and a congressman from our very own
state (William, uh, Miller, from someplace north
ROBEWI GO1TLIEB
Copy editor of the Village) may actually be vice president,
DIANE ARBUS
if Goldwater wins in November, If the other ticket wins, we may
Phoro editor/staff photographer not get to find out what a mushroom cloud really feels like after
TERRY GILUAM
all, but, well, we can enjoy Luci Baines and Lynda Bird frugging to
Associate art director the hi-fi in the White House Blue Room past January. Plenty to
JOAN DIDION, SEYMOuR HERSH, look forward to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
GLORIA STEJNEM, And by the way, whatever else The Beatles are, they aren't just
NICHOLAS VON HOFFMAN
Reporters
this year's Singing Nun. On the other hand, neither are they Dylan.
If you ask us.
HENRY BEARD. SEAN KELLY,
BRIAN McCONNACHIE,
(Okay, they may be The Tokens, but we hope not.)
MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE So what about us? What are we? Why are we? Who needs another
Editorial assistants new magazine, (two or more of) you ask, with Fact and Clyde barely
LEE EISENBERG' nestled in the racks, and Show but three years old?
Cub reporteraclarge Well, SPY is something new (yeah, you say, yeah, yeah). Weaned
ori Lenny and Lehrer, spy is funny (we hope) and observant (and
WOODY ALLEN, LENNY BRUCE, more trenchantly so than were, say, Kitty Genovese's neighbors). SPY
RICHARD FAlUNA, JULES FEIFFER,
RALPH GINZBURG. HELEN (URLEY
is downtown, definitelyit's not a mag written for the little old
BROWN, 1UNY HENDRA. NAT lady in her sunken living room on the Grand Concourse, or the
HENTOFF,). J. HUNSECKER, RICHARD 30-minute lunchers in the Pan Am Building's new Zum-Zum wurst-
INGRAMS, TUU KUPFERBERG.
bar, or the status-anxious suburbanites parking their shiny Corvairs
TOM LEHRER,JOHN LEO. ELAINE MAY,
,
THEIONIOUS MONK, GEORGE in front of Tavern on the Green (a joint with food so aggressively
PLIMPÌON. ED 'BIG DADDY' ROTH. ordinary it will probably be around 25 years from now). No, SY
ED SANDERS, ALLAN SHERMAN,
was horn of too many evenings of Pall Malls and espressos and
TERRY SOLThERN AND Th1,
AM0NC; OTHERS
Contributing editors

ROBERT ZAREM
Marketing director
SHIRLEY LORD. EDlE SEDGWICK
Advertising sales representatives

LEONA ROBERTS
Oflice manager
ï.
T.:d
.
Et)WARD I. KOCH
Legal counsel
stingers at the Night Owl and Café Au Go Goplus that one
CARL BERNSTEIN, DOUG KINNEY
interns
afternoon at Palisades when we swore we wouldn't get off the Cy.
clone till we'd completed our business plan. l'hat's our worldsmall,
ÇA

SPY, The Grcenwich ViIJaße M>ruh1y. is


yes, hut appropriately small, constructively small, World's-Fair-in'
,ine
published ninr Or ttS cimes ¡year by Mort-
heir Magazines. IP. S) 1964 by Monheic
Flushing.ly small. Okay, large. In any case, you're welcome to it.

Magazines, LP Subsciptic.n: $2iXI a year.


Please address all correspondence and sub-
Best of all, readers, know that our fink-detector is alwayi switched
'
misSiOns (poetry okay) to Monheit Mga
zincs. LP.. PO. Box 89, ViLlage Sut&on,
on: sure, SPY is hep, but it's suspicious of hep. As they probably still
New York, N.Y. 10014. say in Sinatraville.
And Cleopatra was a masterpiece. 2. ROYCOHNSFAIRYGODMOTHER Twice tisis
year prosecutors had the goods onJoe MCarthys lsefhenchman. and twice he sIippei
2
But maybe Elliott Gould put it bestyou know, less-successful- NAKED CITY
actor-husband-of-former-cabaret-chariceuse-and-new-Broadway-star-
Barbra-Streisarid Elliott Gould. That Elliott Gould. Alluding to
his distaff side, he observed, As conventional beatniks go, she's
different-looking" Hey! That's us! Whatever it means!
We know this is our first, perhaps overexcited issue. We admit
that maybe, with cime, we'll find we're in the wrong business. Like THE USUAL SUSPECTS
maybe we should be artists. Never mind that at a spring auction at
Robert Kennedy

k' Professional mantle-bearer ROBERT


KENNEDY never got along with Vice
PresidentJohnson, and once LBJ became
; Bobby's boss, you could cut the animos-
ity with a Scripto. (We knowfilial

!' loyalty is admirable, but if you're going


to insiston callingyourdead brother"the
president" and the living president you
happen to work for "Johnson' well,
Parke-Bernet, a De Kooning fetched only $9,000. Because up at the maybe you should quit, and come co New
Stable Gallery, the news is more encouraging. Pale Andy Warhol, York and carpetbag for a Senate seat.
who is not much older than most of us, was recently selling stacks Dig?) The chilliness hit a low point this
of Brillo boxes fornow donc flip out.$300 apiece (at our local summer at the official signing ofrhe Civil
A&P we can get them for about $299.61 less, plus they're filled Rights Act of 1964, an ostensibly happy
with soap pads). So maybe our collection of soda-pop bottles, nicely moment ofoverarching historical import
arranged and shrewdly price-tagged, will attract sufficient buyers to that Bobby marked by moping in the
7-Up our thirst for funds away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. back of the Oval Office. At one point,
Man, we must be in the wrong business. ROY REUTHER of the United Auto Work-
And yet, even though we have never even come close to toppling ers grabbed Bobby and pushed him
a government, sleeping with a defense minister or being photo. towardJohnson, saying, "Mr. President,
graphed wearing nothing but a chair, we somehow still know that I know you have a pen for your attorney
we will be denied a career in movies. But Christine Keeler, who general." LBJ blandly, coldly dumped a
has done all those things, thinks she has a shot. 'I'd like to go fistful of pens on Bobby. Now it turns
into films," said the toothsome former Profumo love-bauble upon out that at least one of the pens has
her release from "gaol" this past June. And Melvin Belli, briefly Jack turned up in the hands ofone of Bobby's
Ruby's lawyer until he was fired, also thinks he's movie-star material. civil-rights assistants, in a frame, bear-
He will apparently star in his own documentary about the period ing his inscription: "Pen used to sign
he spent preparing Ruby's defense. "I got Belli naked in a steam President Kennedy's civil rights bill."
bath," said the flick's coproducer, Sam Gallu, presumably referring
to nothing more unsavory than film footage, of which he has four
hours' worth. Well, we'll definitely be lining up for tickets. Yeah,
yeah, yeah.
But for now, this is what we do for a living. We hope some of
you dig it. We want you to let us know what you think, and to
send us stories (poetry is okay) and manifestos and photographs j. Edgar Hoot'
and cartoons and ideas and comments and questions. Actually, we'll Speaking of the sicker, the Great
anticipate one of your questions about us: wherefore the name siY? Society, that wasn't the sound of the
Well, there are those who will insist we got the name from David latest "Mod" hit coming out of the Oval
Cornwell'ssorry, John le Carre'number one best-seller. Others will Office not long ago. Nope, LBJ was listen-
claim we're copping a riff from good old Mad magazine. All we ing to something even more raucous:
can say is, yeah, yeah, yeah. a very unusual tape recording made ex-
pressly for his pleasure by none other
than chiefparanoid and William Fraw-
Walter Monheit ley look-alike J.EDG.ARHOOVER (who gener-
Publisher and Editor in Chief ally prefers more manly entertainments)

h More prou: God rs dc,,d. 3. iI(EGLLFOTONKINRESOI ITON Its .,n uIy scene, Congress kowtow co a campaigning president 1oking to brush
NAKED CITY
THE DOROTHY KILGALLEN
TOTE BOARD

and fcacuring che vocal talents of a PHIL !"'ote: Dorothy Kl/gallen was on vacati
THE firi3 PRIN?
ADELPHIAPARTYGIRL and a certain married pari ofoi r la uy period. Taking ¡ser pleue during
NO8EL PRIZEWINNING CIVIL.RIGHTS LEADER. that period u'ij 'internationallyfarnous Jiciger
SILVER LININGS Sure. Pres.
:dt,t Kennedy i aJJa$JiJaIiort
But you didnt read that here, Clydc. Jane Morgan.
wo, a catadytmic iragedy ¡ha:
ha ripped open a perbapi un. Borry Goldwater ........................................ i1
bra/able u'ound in :1,: nariGnal
,.,1 TheBeatles ................................................. 7
psyche. Andya. Americans cha:
u,., arc. Jouie nf ui haz'e fnund
Frank Sinatra ............................................... 5
wai to UafllC sorne not iflC'fll FidelCastro ................................................. 4
iderab!c dinero fr:ruthe hor. Liz and Dick ................................................ 3
rifying rvn: (ni' doubt a heal:h ¡?v.j' (.nt;',
Cyd Charisse ............................................... 2
rejpona. a our shrinks would
¡ay). (Sick. sick, sick FA.)
Evil. unconvicted perjurer ROY COHN Cassius Clay................................................ 2
Pt iliihing lentureI hair was consulting with a client not Communists ................................................. 2
pr.ncd par:kularl rewarding. long after his own recent trials. How Robert Goulet .............................................. 2
Already there hit:': beenfive bes:.
much, the client wanted to know, would AbbeLane ................................................... 2
sr/Ieri serving up reheated Kri.
nedyana. ai well as several
Cohn's fee come to? The lawyer said Ingemar Johansson .................................... 1
. work: ¡ha: bavent quite cracked $10,000, then rubbed his 6ngers together TriniLopez ................................................... i

the top ¡en. Dig our eslima:e5 of to suggest that a portion of the money The New Christy Minstrels ........................ 1

tise co::age-irzdses:ry profiui' would go toward bribing a judgc. After Mamie Van Doren ....................................... i
II,at )FKS death has made
posiible
che client left. seemingly satisfied, a
Four Days. written by the colleague took Cohn aside. Roy, rhc long.
editori of- UP! and American suffering colleague implored, itr a no- POEM:
Heritage and published by S: lose case. You do:zi have to resort to that SOMEONES CRYING, LORD
mon 6 Schotter has sold 2.5
mil/ion iopiei at $2.95 each.
kind ofititif To which the bullet-headed Who arc you really
That works ou: to a $272,875 Stork Club habitué replied, You think I Mr. Plastic Corfam Mr. Madison Avenue Zum Zum
windfalifor the publishers and dont f---ing knott.' that? The point i!. the wurstbar man1
an S885.000 take Ji, the guy wants to think his getting his tiofley's If I had a hammer
a.vthe.rs. though itj oso! c/ear I'd wake you up.
hou' ¡he roal:iei were spiit
u'orth. And what he /onl know won't
Faim Roien/;erg
among :h poor u're:ches who ac hitri hi,tz. )
¡cal/y pis! ¡/.Pe book together.
A Duy in the Life of Prcsi
r., s'llMtNs; ._, io
dcnt Kennedy. written by Jim ,. OltilWi am.rir..
.
Biohop. pse/sus/sed by Raudo», .Lti COINCIDENCE? OR...'
House. ha, ¡oid I40.00() copies
at $395 a cop). thus earning
Lineo/pi os. JFK: A Funny Cesc:iparaiive Chart
Un/sop. the aging ¡jack.
$66.360 and 1,1, publishers
$20.461. ABRAHAM LINCOLN JOHN F. KENNEDY
The John F. Kennedys.
ursla'en by Mark Shaw. pa6. Last name contains 7 letters Last name contains 7kters
lished by Farrar. Strani ¿t Was elected in ¡860 Was elected in 1960
Giroux. bas sold 9 7.000 coptes
Had a vice president named Johnson Had a vice president named Johnson
a $7. 50 apiece. Shun's take
u:orki our to $87.300. the pu/s. J ohnson contains 7 letters Johnson contaius 7 letters
lithcri ¡o $26917.50.
Was shot in a theater by an assassin Was shot from a warehouse by an assas-
America the Bcautiful. in
(continued)
who ran to a warehouse sin who ran to a theater
Was advised by his secretary. named Was advised by his secretary, named
. Hou the ta/culations u'ere Kennedy, not ro go to the theater Lincoln. noi ro go to Dallas
made: accordi»g to Publish.
ers' Weekly, ata/son make Was married to a high-strung woman Was married to a string.bcan woman
¡2 cents on every dollar f rtea Had a beard Used beards
sales. while publishers earn
3. 7 cents.
"Four score and seven years ago" Seven scores in four days )

Ir his rt'dcntia1s wich che hi'mhchm'hsckto.che'Scone.Age sec. 4. HFATLEMANIA MAMA. Yes. theyre a good o,nI'o nd we lake their si'ngs. Bu girls. ¡leatc! AuJ
.

NAKED LUNCHCOUNTER
A Civil-Rights Restauran: Rez'ieu'

does the Negro want?" That's the queition the pundits and newsweeklies were asking
all sitnirner
What long. We think we have a general idea. But in order to formulate a precise THE fine PRINt
a,jswer, we dispatchedour southern correspondent to the Monson Motor Lodge restaurant in St. Augustine,
Florida - where Martin Luther KingJr. and bis aide Ralph Abernathy, among others, were refused the wordi offohn F. Kennedy,
compi/edhy the editor: ofCoun-
jervice and arrested during a June sit-in. Our man's report on what the Negroes missed:
cry Beautiful magazine, pnb-
Todays blue plate special is fried lisbed by Dotebleday. hai sold
wandering fork provides no respite: the 70,250 copie, at $4.95 rath,
chicken, mashed potatoes and a choice long-in-the-tooth potatoes, laced with earning those hardworking girls
of turnip greens or creamed corn, all nubbins ofclustered unmixed insta-flakes, $41. 728.50, and $12,866.29
for 5O. The meal begins promisingly evidently owe their unfortunate life to for Doubleday.
Additionally, the 'Harper
enough, with a dazzlingly sweet iced tea Betty Crocker. As for the greens, they are, Memorial Edition" of Profiles
and a wink from the sassy waitress (Is this well, green the sole sensory observation in Courage.pub/isbedby Harp.
wilting flower of white southern womanhood it seems incumbent on me to make. What er 6 Row, sold almost 93.000
a part of the solution or a part of the prob- the Negro wants is one thing. What he copies at $12.50 each. Thus the
I wonder idly), but the chicken it- rather ancient opus earned
len,?, will get at southern lunch counters, I another, entirely unexpected
self is greasy, overfried and encased in a infer as I pay the bill and leave, is dys- $43.012.Søorsofortbepieblisb.
pro forma batter tasting largely of corn- pepsia. ers, and roughly another
starcha sodden, one-note symphony. A John Kennedy Toole $139,500 that the Kennedy es-
tate u'ould presumably bave
)" been happy to do without (and
w

PRIVATE LIVES OF PUBLIC ENEMIES THESPYLIST


air

4 that TedSorensen could probably


use). Also, excerpts from the
Warren Commission report bave
juil been published by Double-
'I day andMcGraw-Hill (Oswald
didit oops! ); sales ofrbe book
Lord Buckley are expected to fall in the
50,000-ta-75.000 range.
James Coburn (Unfortienately. figures are
unavailable for A Tribute to
John F. Kennedy. edited by
John Coltrone
PierreSalinger.publishedby En-
cyclopedia Britannica and
Adelle Davis Atheneu,n; andBillAdler's The
Kennedy Wit. published by
Cary Grant Citadel Preis.)
Along with tangible profits,
Aldous Huxley many people's careers have
received boosts thanks io Os-
Christopher Isherwood wald's marksmanship. The bru-
lianiperformance ofTom Wicker
ofThe Ncw York Times, writ-
John F. Kennedy ing from Dallai for the
neu'spaper of recordunder
Ken Kesey what was obviously incredible
pressure - so impressedhis bosses
Arthur Koestler thai he ii now the Washington
bureau chief (see The Times,
Robert Lowell page 7). Similarly. Dan Rather.
CBS's slightly wiggy Dallai cor
Clare Boothe Luce respondent, seems to bave caught
the fancy of bis superiors. He
may end up u'itb a plumuty for-
Henry Luce
eign assignment, perhaps Vie:-
siam. Ofcourse, the biggest pro-
Anais Nm motion, along with a $5 7,000
White House aide Jack Valenti assists President Johnson with some highly
raise in pay, wen: to LB).
fensitii.ie business. André Prevmn (continued)

we have to put up with che imitators, all those Dreamers and Pacemakers and Rolling Stones and other flashes in the pan? 5. TNATWORLDSMIROUTINFLUSHINC.

5
NAKED C ITY

THE SPY TRIP TIP: EVER SEEN THEM IN THE SAME


VI ETNAM ROOM TOGETHER?

THE fine PRIN1 DontbelicvcwhatYouvc


heard about the 'sick
man of Indochina." Because
MOSES VS. THE RED SEA, thrills and surprises arc
TAKE 2 Yo&r thought ii wai
crowded, W( though: i: wa.
what you're after, South Viet-
crowdd. and ¡boje throng, of nam is the place to be. In the
Iourijtj who clogged the Flush- past several years Saigon
ing train all jummer thought it alone has offered the adven-
wat crowded, too. Bu: when
Q ueeni-based, long-fingered vsoI
turous tourist such attrac-
garlan Robert Moies and his tiOflS as political turmoil, BARBRA STREISAND AND A THEBAN WOMAN'
lackeys wentotertheattendance
figoiresfor the Worldj Fair lait
guerrilla war, martial law, as-
sassinations and, of course,
r
month. they discovered that
the Flushing ultra.ssiptr-ex:ra-
vaganza wasn't nearly crowded
the world-famous seil-im mo-
lating Buddhist monks.
w
_'/_ $- -
.-
-L
,
enoughes'enu'ithoutthemorch- But the Vietnam adven-
threatened civil-rights itall- turc doesn't stop there. Take
in.' ,%fose, f green eyejbades
figured that to meet the Fairs
an inexp ensive ride north
$300,000.a-day expenses, plus aboard a real-live B-52-30
earn back the $30 million that secondi over a couple o/rice pad-
was spent before the gates were
dies and o wafer buffalo! in
fl'en opened, plus the $24 mil- TED KENNEDY AND JERRY MATHERS?
lion loan from the city,. an ater-
order to view the fascinating
age of 220,000 people a da changes the landscape has
needid to come to the Fa:r. undergone in just the past
Accordingtosoerccs.howet'er.
few months. Then, at day's
there wai not cien one da when
220.000 people came, and on/p
end, throw hack a few beers
rarely dida, many al 200,000 With the local Amcrican "ad-
pais through the turnstiles. Of visers" and see if you can tell
course, this has been kept a big
which of the fricndly natives
secret et'en, for a long time.
f rom :'i1oses himself lt seems ihat
aren't really our friends.
the great builder has so bullied This is a virtually undis
his terrifiedunderlings that they covered part of the world, A BEATLE AND . MOE'
hada hardt:me mustering the
and that's what makes it so
gnu to apprise him of the grins
attendance figures. Eiser the
exciting. But as increasing
showman, Moies has nonetheless numbers of Americans get TREND SPOTTER'S TEXTBOOK
marshaled hei platoon ofpress acquainted with this time- I' 1sfesirhly Case Study
agents(wbohavebeenpaidmóre
less paradise, we suspect
than $2. 5 millionfor their uork
on the Fair thus far) to tell Vietnam will become more "Neuroses ore the thing nowodoysyou've got to hove problems
another sto,'). According ro the exciting still. mon."Steve McQueen, quoted in Newsweek, January
flacks, the Fair has shown a Barney Gould
$12. 7 million profit so far. But
"In the New Sentimentality, those of us under analysis are sentimen
a friend ofours in the corn ptrol.
tal about our neuroses. . . We tell new friends about [our probtemsl
.

1ers office credits that to account- Vietnam is 10,000 miles from so they'll know they are in the company of people os hung upas
¡ng tricks. The real balance. he ¡%lanhattan. To get :htre. risi: they are."Esquire, July
ia)s, is closer to a $14 mïllion
deficit, making ereryone ai City
the Army recruitment center in
Hall wonder u'hat exactly Truies Square and then usait "The New Humor needs . . psychological reasoning. lt used to be
.

i%Iojes - still our humble parks around Fort Dix until President 'Hoy mon, who was that chick I saw you with last night?' '1h01
commissioner, rememberhas was no chick, that was my wife.' Today, it's got to be: 'Hey moo,
Johnson increases U.S. ground
done to deserte the $IOO,000-a- who was that chick I saw you with last night?' 'That was no chck,
year salary his getting for his troopssomettme afterthis month's that was my brother. He's got problems.' "Dick Gregory, quoted
efforts. ) election. ) in Show, November )

One more reason o stay away from Queens. 6. THE SlPGiNG NUr'i. Imagine crying to get romforrabte with a membcr of she opposite sex in che back o( your (

6
Gone, Gìne, Gone: The Tirness two newest executives Wicker's appointment, Frankel rashly resigned to take a
arc a not untalented pair, but in their first year in job at the earnest Reporter Magazine, sending Punch a long
othce both the soft, anxious Arthur O. 'Punch" Sulzbcrger, and nearly tearstained letter of farewell. Then, almost as
Boy Publisher, and the friendless Abe Rosenthal, the soon as he'd sent the letter, he changed his mind and re-
papers city editor, have demonstrated an unbecoming scinded the resignation, apparently convinced that bum-
aftinity for hirelings willing to toady, and a tendency to kissing patience will pay off in the long run.
-
punish if not outright can those who aren't. Rosenthal (who has his own ideas about who should sit
Young Punch is neat and cold, and prefers to settle ac in Catledge's chair) is mean and messy. Prevented by guild
counts with one ruthless swipe. When he decided that rules from summarily dismissing a subordinate, Rosenthal
Ovear-old Sunday editor Lester Markelwho started shows an appetite for prolonged sieges that grind down an
c the paper when Punchs grandfather Adolph Ochs ran adversary. His favorite tack is to dump-by-reassignment:
thingswas no longer needed, Punch called Markel in a veteran rewrite man gets night duty in a Staten Island
and coldcocked him. Lester, he said, we've-decided-that.from. police station, a tenured reporter is assigned to regurgitate
nou;-on.therec-only.going-to-be-one-editor- no. more- Sunday-editor- press releases from goo-goo groups. Even his favored lads
:hanks-for.coming. u'here-should- we-send-your-check? O r words are wary ofthe bullying Abe. One newcomer Abe nominated
(o that effect. Sure, Sulzberger gave poor old Lester a for a Pulitzer found himselfsharing a drink with Rosenthal,
phony job running the paper's department of public who quickly became loose-lipped and began calling some
affairs, but that was like putting a flower on a corpse. ofthe nominally respected journalists he inherited "punks
Since then, Punch has methodically put his own team in and twerps." Needless to say, this chat did little to instill
piace, installing the overdapper Mr. Margaret Truman a sense of security in the youngster.
Clifton Daniel to his friends) as managing editor and Meanwhile, the blue-noses at the Tirnej Book Review have
rom Wicker as Washington bureau chief, and bringing announced that they will refuse to accept ads for SPY con-
Scotty Reston up from D.C. to New York, where he will tributing editor Terry Southern's swinging new novel Candy
enjoy the holding-pattern title of associate editor while (co-written with Mason Hoffenberg), having deemed it
he waits for wheezy executive editor Turner Catledge to smutty. Not that this will be likely to hurt sales especially
reti re. now that Hayley Mills has expressed interest in playing the
The Wicker appointment was the most bruising, office- heroine. Nevertheless, in the spirit ofpetty retribution, spy
politics-wise; his good news means bad news for fellow hereby announces it will refuse to accept any ads for the
aspirants Anthony Lewis and Max Frankel, whose hereto- Book Review. Ever. And don't try twisting our arms, okay?
tore swiftish progress is now stalled. Frankel, particularly, (But if you must, dial ME 3-6550 and ask for Edie)
was crushed to the point of going Borneo. Two days after -J. J. Hunsecker

LAUGHTER AND ESPERANTOTHE INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGES


spy ivi/i be proud to devote this space each month to our continuing Jokes for Peace campaign.

F 2!i L14no(0.
I::71./P

J_tI/ 1jI I __ f::


«eli, yóai imaginc that; ue prefer a wcII-worn davenpoW. and all that comes over the radio sa Domanecka, ,tecka, ,,eck. 7. Ai,O, Extremism in deícnsc oflihertv is

7
SPY Goes on a Date Withi

WHITE HOUSE TEEN PRINCESS LUCI BAINES JOHNSON

;ent teenaged scty-fourd-ha1f-inch-hih SPY cub porter L E3SflG'


e
down to Washington, D.C., for an evening with Aîrica's First Teen. Here's his prsona1
account, straight from the cutting edge of the new generation:

Reverie: The friendly Lone Star State figure. The perfectly teased
:2ìf- :
falling like French curves on either side of her bead. The
flip,

bright-eyedface that defiantly says, Yes, I'm LBJs daughter,


but I wont shatter any mirrors.
But enough with the poetry already - l've got a date. Me.
Boy/rem Philly - out on the town with Luci BainesJobnson. ...
3 AND AWAY WE GO Z of we speed in Lud's
limousine. My opening ganbit: "Funny - our names
1, both start with L." She stares at me. My failback:
'So who's your favorite Beatle?"
"HI, Y'ALL
WELOO TO THE
VHUE HOUSE L"
Luci heaves a forearm
into the air and gives me a
big Texas greeting as I
arrive to pick her up.

2,
A GIRL :ts A GIRL
Is A GIRL - even when
she's the president's
daughter! Luci keeps me
waiting while she primps.
:
'Don't worry, Miss Johnson,
I'm used to it," I say
slyly, letting her know I've
been around.

14. STRICTLY FRO SUARESVILLE : Luci


(lfl/ i enjoy some ch'an fun which seems like the only
kind offun you can have with a phalanx of Secret
Service chaperons. Just for a gas, Luci wears a banner
advertising her favorite snack food company! Crazy!
no vice? Wha? 8. MUSTANG HOOPLA. We like sporty cars as much as anyone. but che cover of Time? And whar do we cate about this lacocca upstart? (Yeah. we know:

8
"OH RAW
RAW HAWi"
Luci laughs at one
of my patented
sick-ha mor
jokes. I think she
likes ne.

6.
"FEED ME
P'I
Luci commands
ud/y. In Texas, i
guess, they flirt
big too.

7.
I LIKE THE LOOKS OF THIS : ::::TT.---
1% surprise birthday cake and Luci puckers up
to blow out tI,e candles. Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

9.
"WHY DON'T YOU ro
GET SO}AE PUNCH
OR SOMETHING?"
Ob no! Just when the
band and Luci really get
going movie star
Steve McQueen cuts in!

lo.
BACK IN THE
BATTER'S BOXI
McQueen is long gone, and
fi nallya slow dance (Luci
e.LUCI WATUSIS ¡Or is it the frug? Wire at some
never suspects my elevator
far-out Washington discotheque that Luci knou's about, and i shoes)! My right hand strays
guess i must bave two left feet because the photographer cut
netherwards. ...
me out of all the pictures. Cripes.
_:. .

.
' .
:'
.,
.:
:
T LL BET HUGH HEFNER DIDN 'T START LIKE THIS
:::c
Our date was over as soon as the Secret Service man let me out of the choke bold. '

_4
'3 A/I i have left are memories and this dreamy souvenir White House
r k photo. Don't ask. A gentleman never tells. But I will tell you this: i'd drink Lacis
batbwater any day if shed let me! )
' ..-, .

:1'

-4
rhymes with Trv-a-Cokc-uh) 9. KILLERCHEESEJUSC when wed learnedco scop worrying nd love the Bomb, ch_cy go and give che Nobel Prize for medccine chis
MEET THE SUCCESSNIKS

Remember the Tony Curtis flick Sweet Smell know that Falco's perfume sometimes smells
ofSuccess? There's a scene in which Sidney at first like the funk associated with working
Falco, the shameless press agent played by closely behind (or below) their superiors,
Curtis, stands basking in the approbation but they don't care. They know ethical scru-
ofhis fellow flacks. They have been toasting pies are for L7's, and that only a maroon
his deceitfully acquired new status, and refuses to use his social life as a means of
when they demand a speech, Falco describes advancement. That's their code. Say what
success as the heady perfume the city show you will about this "In" crowd, but you bet-
ers upon its winners. ter say it now, for someday the Successniks
, .,

Sweet, alright.
..

...v,.
I . :
will run New York.
-feod to h&e: Thomas Today a number ofyoung men - and, yes, Meet WILLIAMSAFIRE, a real-life Falco and
Having strkes a familiar girls tooare catching their first whiffs of
Successniks pose
very much the model ofthe new breed, He
Falco's perfume. Their names are uniformly is a self-professed flack with a gift for lan-
unfamiliar, but they share a common hun- guage, who when not glad-handing about
ger. While many oftheir contemporaries are town can be found working for Republi-
still moving to the soporific strains of'The cans. This 34-year-old's greatest coup to
Theme from A Summer Place," these junior date came in 1959, when he corralled Dick
achievers are twisting and shouting down Nixon and Nikita the K in front ofa model
the career path, doing the establishment kitchen at the American National Exhibí-
version ofthe hipsters electric bebop burn. tion in Moscow, Needless to say. the news-
They're swinging, and they're swinging reel cameras were rolling for the ensuing
hard, but they're always sure to keep their "kitchen debate" and the appliances on dis.
eyes ori that dangling solid-gold carrot. play belonged to one ofSafire's accounts at
Call them the Successniks. They begin the McCrary public-relations agency.
their days with Royal Canadian Air Force Shrewd City all the way. As a result, Safire
Halston shows how he flips
those lids exercises, dress in ready-to-wear drip-dry today numbers the former vice president
suits, knock back a Metrecal, then jet off and current Pepsi-Cola attorney among
to work. And while evening finds their gray- his closest friends. If anyone can burnish
flanneled elders shuffling onto the 5:43 to Nixon's Checkered past, it's this Mach 2
Rye, the Successniks are popping their first publicist.
pep pills ofthe night because success doesn't Safire is a sort ofpooh-bah for his fellow
sleep, so why should they? They know that, Successniks. He presides over a gang of
in 1964, playing the button-down Organiza- hard-charging guys and girls called the
tion Man the way their big brothers did just Wednesday Ten, self-anointed movers and
won't get them where they want to go-go. shakers of the future who meet once a
And man, they want ro go-go bad. month at the Howard Chandler Christy
This generation is reordering the way Room of the Sherry Netherland and shoot
New York worksand plays. No Father the bull over surf and turf. Some of his
Knows Best for this crowd: give 'ema bachelor fellow Wednesday Ten men to watch are
Yoko Ono contemplates pad next to a Third Avenue stew zoo, and
the greasy paie
GEORGELANG, an assistant banquet manager
preferably a girlfriend who flies for SAS at the Waldorf; MORTON JANKLOW, . a skinny-
(thats the Swede smell of success and we necked corporate lawyer and husband of
hear it's true what they say). (SheeshEd.) Mervyn LeRoy's daughter Linda; JOHN DIE
BY BUDDY SORRELL But don'tget the Successniks wrong. They BOLD, an engaging quiz kid with a flair
year for the discovery o('chofesterol'which mea,,s we now know Iit anybody who eau sour cream or bacon or fried chïckn is probably killinghimscl(. What
roday they're cking boots
tomorrow New York's
iunior rat finks wiH run the city.
Their advice:
Hit the toady, Jock

for automation; and a gifted


TOM MORGAN,
writer for Safire constantly
Esquire whom
bugs about grammatical lapses.
Yet if Safire is Successnik #1, REPRESENTA.

lIVE JOHN LrNDSAY iS theìr patron saint, a


hometown JFK for a Gotham Camelot in
the making. Indeed, as a Lindsay mayoral
candidacy seems increasingly plausible, the
Successniks are streaming out ofthe wood-
work. Take THOMAS HOVNG, a 33-year-old,
equally tall, equally upper-crust protégé of
Lmndsays, who sources say is preparing a
position paper for his man on how to en-
liven Central Park. Although currently a
lowly assistant curator at the Metropolitan
Museums uptown outpost, the Cloisters,
Hoving clearly aspires to positions more
grand than a medieval curators post. Get
this: a Lindsay in Gracie Mansion would
undoubtedly mean a Hoving as commis-
sioner of the Parks Department, and as
such, Hoving would be the Mets landlord.
in the event that the Mets honchos some-
day wish to extend their galleries into
Central Park, they might end up having to
court the favor of a former flunky.
Sweet, alright. Shrewd City all the way.
It may seem that Hovirig is leaving a
lot to chance, but luck is the Successniks'
steady escort. Consider 32-year-old ROY
HALSTON FROWICK, who as a boy dreamed
of dressing America rather than playing
center field for the Yankees (or even the
Dodgers). Alter dropping out of the Chi-
cago Art Institute, Frowick, now known
only by his design moniker, Haiston, con-
vinced Fran Allison better known as
the nonfelt member of Kukla, Fran and
011ieto wear one of his hats.
By the time he was 27, Halston was over-
seeing BergdorfGoodman's entire custom-
millinery department. Hedda Hopper, Kim
Novak, Deborah Kerr and Shirley "Hazel"
Booth have all worn his lids, But his big
cxt? Diet ioda pop? Sex 10. RUNNING MATES. Who the -

i
break came during thelast three years: J ust a few blocks away at iMcCall's, wunderkinderella: "She reminds me
it was his pink pilibox that went to the book editor's assistant, JONI GOLD- of those old hood ornaments on those
the White House and rode into hisS FINGER, is more than just a Yardley- sleek Mercury and Zephyr cars. Her
toryand every magazine and news- lipped James Bond playmate. In haircut,herbody, she's built for speed."
paper in the country! atop Jackie's her first year on the job, she has Built for speed that's the Mus-
lacquered head. With his own exclu- been establishing calculated friend. tang-sharp Successnik style. And yet,
sive label maybe in the offing at Berg- ships with writers at a rate that in their Sanforized hearts, many
dorf's, the kid from Des Moines is would make Eve Harringtori blush. young masters of the career au go-go
fashion's number-one junior achiever. Socially, youngJoni has been spotted no doubt fear they may yet become the
The social whirl frequently snaps about twn with many a handsome Willy Lomans ofthe Celanese genera-
the Successnik into a position of ad- fellow'Hello, is this BUtterfield tion. Never fear, little men. Someday
vantage. YOKO ONO, a cool drink of 8?"but well-connected Dick Evans, you'll have your places in the sun
water, dropped out of Sarah Law- a nephew ofNew Yorker poetry editor and maybe even your Scarsdale Co-
fence tOelope with the talented
young concert pianist Toshi Ichi-
Howard Moss, is rumored to be her -
lonja! but until then, keep your feet
favorite of the moment. John Mack on the ground and your noses firmly
yanagi. lt looked to people in the Carter, McCall's editor, describes his pressed to the, uh stars. ) . . .

know as if Yoko was simply using


her first husband as an entrée to
avant-garde circles, where she has
TRE BEGINNING OF THE END
aspirations as an artist. Through $,ú.,.-. <C -'!J . yard? 'Peripatetic Patio' read
lchiyanagi, this daughter of a , > the headline. The text itself in-
J apanese financier met composers -J cluded such felicitous phrases
J ohn Cage and La Monte Young, -.-
as "carved and colonnaded,"
.
r.t '
then gave her husband the boot and "proud possession, "man of
took up with filmmaker Tony Cox.
During the past few years the
--»
-a'?" .g.-.
II_; magnificence," "Gothic gar-
goyles," "overall order," "foliage
parties in her downtown loft - that's and fruits" and "final fillip'
right, she lives in one of those old May we try? 'Plastic writ-
warehouse buildings - have attracted ing." "Hackneyed prose."
the attention ofJasperJohns, Peggy .
Hmrnmmmm. .can't seem to
--' --
.

Guggenheim, Robert Rauschenberg .

get the alliterative hang of it.

-
and Max Ernst. But alas, unim- -t ---- - Guess that's why we're writing
pressed critics still ignore her - for this rag.
wigged-out art. As Cox's career At The New York Times
cools, friends wonder which new at-
tist or filmmaker or musician Ono --'
Y,-.»---
-J.4_
'
where, by the way, they get paid
incashmoneyinsteadofindin-

i'
will trade up for in her quest for con-
nections and credibility. !z:J44 f-
ners at The Lion's Headthe
Book Review recently and un-
The publishing world boasts its s fathomably devoted an entire
fair share ofaggressive females who front page, and then some, to
know that nothing succeeds like an evaluation of two collections of
slavish devotion to work. Two ex-
tremely sexy singlegirls have already
A iLbe Eugene O'Neill's detritus. Reviewer
Arthur Gelb's fiat, schoolmarmish
distinguished themselves at their
respective periodicals. At the Jour-
C row&er flies reminder that O'Neill was "this coun-
try's greatest dramatist" is an uncon-
nal-American, a cute and curvy Texan vincing justificationand were not
is coming into her own. As gal Fri. THE CRITIC CRIT!C even considering the fact that Gelb
day and leg girl for Igor Cassini's by Charles Be/knap-Jackson neglected to mention either Edward
Cholly Knickerbocker column, the Albee or Murray Schisgal. More per-
flaxen-haired worker bee LIZ SMITH lt's a pity Time reviews go unsigned. suasive is the likelìhood that all the
has little use for dates because she's What self-respecting critic wouldn't attention won't hurt sales ofrhe recent
fallen hard for aguy named Mr. Time- want to stand up and claim credit for O'Neill bio, penned by none other
Consuming No-Stones-Unturned the alliterative tour de force that than deputy metropolitan editor
Reporting. Sorry,, ¡ellas. With work recentlymasqueradedhumbly, anony- Arthur Gelb and his wife, Barbara.
habits like hers, dont expect this Lone rnously, as an art review of the Met- Did we say unfathomable? Well, to
Star dynamo to stay put. ropolitan Museum ofArt's new court- give the Book Review its due, maybe
i,eII ic WdIaam Miller? And Hubert Humphrry - didnt hc ust'd co have a bkbiie 11. ,iz r',t oic. i&ppv AN iwci,y. ERNEST ANt) ETHEL, BCThRY ANt) LYNDON. And

12
its just trying to keep pace with the moronic monotony." Still, not bad for for NBCPaley went headhunting.
twen ties. ageezer unused to moronic monotony. Whose did he collect? Not Friendly's,
The Times's film critics are at least And with wordsmithing like that, but that ofCronkite, another Murrow
struggling to keep up with the sixties, Bos-o could always get a job reviewing protégé, who, Paley concluded, talked
and hoary, onomatopoeic Bosley pristine patios for Time, if the Gray too much duringthe coverage. He ordered
Crowther is coming along nicely. Ear. Lady ever wearies of his growlings. Cronkite replaced for CBS's Demo-
lier this year, ifyou recall, he actually His colleague Howard Thompson cratic convention coverage: Of! Off!
liked Dr. Strangelove (Co-written by SPY also has reservations about the Liver Like, now! lt was a pitiful reward for
ontribuiing editor Terry Southern! - pudlian "fellows." And yet, like a 12. Wally, who did such a commendable
but he seemed surprised that he did, year-old girl (or an aging Nance), he job on that Friday afternoon last
calling the film "the most shattering is obsessed with them. Reviewing November when Harry Reasoner was
sick joke l've ever come across. And Doctor In Dijtress, the latest in Dirk out at Lindy's and Cronkite had to
I say that with full recollection of some Bogarde's "Doctor in the House" se- leave the cottage cheese and canned
ofthe grim ones l've heard from Mort ries, he wrote, "Well, they're back - in pineapple he was eating at his desk
Sahi, some of the cartoons Ive seen another bundle from Britain. No, not and rush to the studio and tell the
by Charles Addams and some of the the Beatles - the Doctors." Another world that from now on the White
stuff I've read in Mad magazine." review began this way: "Compared House would be strictly LBJsville.
Charles Addams? Mad?the man with the Beatles, Elvis Presley sounds Paley ordered Cronkite and his
is definitely making an effort. And like Caruso in 'Fun in Acapulco'... thick black specs as far away from
this summer he had the grudging and he certainly looks becter Atlantic City as possible for August's
presence ofmind, ifnot much wit, to Howard, you old hound dog! Democratic convention, replacing him
label A Hard Day's Night "a whale of But Thompson's pith and humor with the would-be Huntley-Brinkley
a comedy:' Again, though, he hedged usually serve him well, and lithe Times combo of veteran utility announcer
his bets: "Sure, the frequent and ever needs a thumbnail film critic for, and Murrow protégé Robert Trout
brazen 'yah-yah-yahing' of che fellows say, its television section, he's the and the young Roger Muddmake
when they break into song may begrat- man. that, in networkese, Mudd-Trout
ing. To ears not tuned to it, it has Next month: Nuts on Camp. ) (which sounds uncomfortably like
something that would as soon be
bottom-feeding as filling up airtime).
Friendly, who likes to think of him-
self as a staunch defender of the in.
tCBS tegrity of the news (and who still in-
yokes the name of former journalist
Ed Murrow), warned Paley that Cron-
'I'HE WEBS kite would quit ifdemoted; Paley, al-
by Roy Hinkley ways gracious, replied, "Good, I hope
he does:'
Something distracted vainglorious But Cronkite played the organiza-
CBS despot Bill Paley from his bliss- tion man and took the fall quietly (on
ful job of counting the millions of the other hand, what choice did he
dollars the network keeps sucking have? Go to work for ABC - the make-
in thanks to its hayseed comedies believe network, theJonny Quest net-
(which continue to keep the great work?). Not that Cronkite is a corn-
unwashed in stitches). That some plete bend-overnik: he put his foot
thing was his news division, and down at posing by a TV set for a corn-
Paley was alarmed by what he saw: mercial that was to say, "Even Walter
NBCs Huncley-Brinkley continue to they go on at 7:00. Gosh, people are still Cronkite Listens to Mudd-Trout." As
dominate the prestigious.though-not- eating when we're on. I mean, who can my colleague Richard Ingrams would
cerribly.lucrative evening-news slot, blame them for not wanting to watch say, not very bloody likely.
and nobody seemed capable of doing some Freedom Rider getting firehosed as It turned out, of course, that no one
anything about it, not Paley's flat. they chew their Salisbury steak? watched Mudd-Trout. And sure
topped news announcer Walter Cron- Thus, when the network's terrible enough: sources say Cronkite will be
kite and not Fred Friendly, the ratings for its coverage of last sum- back at the anchor's desk for election
pious, insecure head of CBS News. mer's Republican convention came night's looming landslide. Paley,
Paley stewed while Friendly stam- inat one point Huntley.Brinkley meanwhile, is said to be desperate to
mered his excuses We go on at 6:30, had 86 percent of the audience get the fish stink off his fingers. J
you thought Peyioi PIa, was lurid 12. TIlE WORLD BOXING ASSOCIATION Lcts sec ii we gtc chis: Cassius Clay excuse us, Cassius X. Clay - has to gIe up his crown
V ii

Ct- I
I

-
Like her fellow contenders, Liza
Ñ
Minnelli has prematurely left a suc-
F :3
?%

:::
'Ç' 'Ç'

: .
cessful show in her case, Off-Broad-
way's Best Foot Forward. The shows kit-
.;

tenish press agent, Rex Reed, man-


giris -e;'-
"
fully tried to put agood face on things,
saying his little trouper was moving
Ti-lE S'1'AGI ::#ah on "to do something wonderful wich
by Jedediab Leland
her life." He might have added, I/she
D- /-,flV can get free of Mama.
What with Tonys and Time covers, Judy, you see, had begged Liza
o'-
Barbra Streisand has cast such a long to quit Best Foot and help her prepare
3z
shadow from the Funny Girl catbird I

a new TV series in Hollywood. Liza


seat at the Winter Garden that in _/ \ \

order to get a break, Broadway's


O/ \ N did her pilihead materfamiliass bid.
;y:.,/
'1 ding, yet still had time to return east
other young starlets have resorted to :3- '
-
and star opposite Elliott "Streisand's
breaking hearts, breaking contracts ', ''f 'I
''
.t i, _I, ,' Dark, Rangy Husband" Gould in a
or simply having breakdowns to re- .- ? c?' ? .ç?" ? Q
Westport Country Playhouse summer
main in the limelight. Carol Burnett for a paltry $35,000. Like Burnett, production of The Fantasticks. (The
and Elizabeth Ashley crumbled when Ashley is under considerable strain. two, it's said, are fast friends. Watch
the chips were down, but whispers She chased offher fiancé, George Pep- out, Babs!)
around the Way are that Liza Min. pard, by offering these warm words As we go to press, Liza is back in
nelli (the rather too elfin spawn of of condolence upon his mothers the city, rehearsing her promising new
J udy Garland and director Vincente death: Oh, look, everybody dies." show Flora. the RedMenace, written by
Minnelli) may become the new boss While her ex-beau drinks himselfsilly John Kander and Fred Ebb and open-
gal when her show Flora, the Red on the Continent, sources suggest that ing at the Alvin Theater in May. She
Menace opens next spring. Elizabeth has been experimenting arrives fresh from a troubled appear-
Gangly girl-next-door Carol Bur- with reefer. Sadly, it seems the only ance opposite her mother at the Lon-
nett spent last month racing between award she will be taking home this sea- don Palladium. During the show, Liza
tapings of her CBS variety show, The son will be presented by the psy- upstaged Mama, and the old lady
Entertainers (which trails The Addams chiatric staffat Payne Whitney, where reportedly tried to shove her daughter
Family in the ratings), and Fade this young lady recently landed after off the stage.
Out-Fade In, the Comden-Green- a nervous breakdown. See you opening night at Sardi's. j
Styne musical comedy at the Mark
Hellinger. With all this activity it
would seem a banner year for Carol,
-.
who just last year married producer
Will 8k
J oe Hamilton (her boss on the defunct
Garry Moore Show, who left his wife of won'iI; she?
15 years). But whether it was her new
baby (born to the newlyweds after just HOW TO BE A SWiNGER ,
seven months of marriage), the TV
by Bernard Mergendeiler
show or the Comden-Green-Styne
flop, the new Mrs. Hamilton checked I saw a girl at a party the other night.
into Lenox Hill Hospital complaining Or I should say, I saw a dancer: skinny,
ofneck pains. She remains in traction, heavy eye shadow, straight black hair,
and py has learned that Carol will black leotard, very Village. You proba-
be willing to pay up to an extraor- bly know the girl I mean, give or take
dinary $500,000 in order to shake off a neurosis or two.
her Fade Out-Fade In contract. A tough
spill for thegal who once turned down
You probably know the party too.
There were lots ofwriters, actors, art-
.c:t::
-.L-1_-f__-.'_-..t_.--.._ . - ¿-,
-

the lead in Funny Girl. ists, a few organizers and some slum editor Thelonious Monk, that isEd.].
Elizabeth Ashley is itching to bust ming Mad. Ave. types my friend Nat And there was this neurasthenic-
her contract, too. And producer Saint- (his pad) knew from college. lt was looking dancer chick leaning against
Subber will set her free from Neil late, I'd drunk a lot ofwine, Nat had the kitchen wall, ignoring everyone,
Sirnon's tiresome Barefoot in the Park Monk on the hi-fi py contributing burying her nose in a copy of Nausea.
because he pals ¿round wich Muslims. Fnrgive us. bui when dILl w Ievr America? 13. TIlE VERY FREEWHEELING ROB DYLAN. Bob. if yer goin tA hc he spokemn

14
It was, of course, love at írst sight. guilt-free sex ¿n my lifetime? Or will I have Swinger murmurs, Chiant;, Bolero, m
mean, a pair ofbandaged wrists and to be content with a ban on the Bomb. the place, with the subtitle reading, Take
1m a puddle. end of poverty, a Negro presiden: and it, baby, or leave it, but like, make up
Thankfully, though, I did the smart maybe, if I'm really really lucky, Ursula your mind already. And chances are . .

thing. I split. Because I knew ill didn't Andreu in 3-D Smell-O-Vision? It's like the sideburned operator in
would turn out something like this: Friendship, schmiendship. the Feiffer cartoon says: "If I had any
I'd talk to her, I'd listen to her, I'd take The Swinger, of course, doesn't respect for girls, I'd never make out."
her seriously and four months later agonize over these things. He doesn't As for me, I lied a minute ago. I
we'dbe sipping espressos at Caffè Reg- have to. The Swinger walks right up walked right up to the dancer and
sioand she'd be telling me, Because, to the girl and doesn't make small talk asked her if she'd ever read Being and
Bernard, I wouldn't want to sully our about the influence of Chaplin on Nothingness. She said no, but her ana-
friendship," and I'd be getting one of Kubrick and Lester, and he definitely lyst recommended it. i said,"Yeah?So
my (psychosomatic) stomachaches doesn't ask the girl about her analysis. how long you been in analysis for?"
and thinking, Will mankind achieve That's what you and I ardor The I'm doomed, )

Party cl MØ Çj
r
Pooper Swinging at the Rio de Janeiro Carnival:
Porfiro Rubirosa, legendary mon of action
(and you know the kind we mean), readies
himself to try out a new bit of continental
suavity on a hovering hula girl. "Hey, doll-
foce," he croons, "I see you like to get Iei'd." Didja hear about the crazy new stew game?
lt's called Please Put Your Seat n the Right
Positionand all you have to do is ask a
lovely aïr hostess to sit on you. Here, Trini
Lopez plays the "happy hands" version.
And the girls love it, too'

'WHATS NEW, UH. TOMCAT" On his way


into New York's federal court, evil Roy
Cohn, a guy whose thing is pointing the
irgerwaves o digit inthe air and botches o HEEHAW-HAW-HAW At their Beverly Hills Twenty-two-year-old Cassius Clay makes
take lighthearted attempt at sorne o the wedding blowout, September-December an Ahhhh sound while reveling over a birth'
crazy new hepspeok. It's pussycat, Oy.ray. newlyweds Ernest Borgnine (September) day cake decorated with a pair of minia-
and Ethel Merman (December) enjoy a ture tar babies. [What's with all the fingers
communal bray with well-wishing stripper this month? Ed.]
Gypsy Rose Lee. The McHoIe's Navy star,
our wall flies tell us, had just told his tooth-
some brooder, bridethat she smelled NLXT MOHTH Pl SPY
so good, he'd like to bottle her, What a
madman! VOLKMUSIK BER ALLES

Inside Albert Gro,sman'i Greenwich


Village Reich

,. WORLD'S FAIR VS. U.N


Our itcond funny cornparatii'e chart

THE STEWS
A new column cot'ering the
Meanwhile, in another display of digitol
dexterity (clear across the country at the
Beverly Hilton), strenuously self.styled
cool cat Sammy Davis Jr. pretends to be
'j '
NUTSY GUTSY PEGGY GUGGENHEiM I-fey, Peg,
inpergiarnorosi air hoitei induitry
NEW, IMPROVED NEW YORK
!Iow about a giant .rkyicraper on ¡he
owhiteperson. Frank Sinatra, sources say, ore you sure it'S not upside down? Even a West Side rail yardt?
os riot convinced. Brillo box says THIS SIDE UP!

.f yer trfl' c.,,,,.,..,iir s ,hn like "Tlc mn cvho sht Prden Kcnncdy. lee' Oewald I saw some at myself in him FoRcs 'usi won t urideeccìina )

15
BARELY AUDIBLE WOMEN
s leeker curves. A cI-iassis that won't say

no. A wider road-gripping stance. That's

the exciting, all-new astLack look of the

Forci Ventorina for 196e.

But man, is she silent. That's

thanks to lier Wet-Flo transmission,


Marilyn

h er Purr-Matic V-8 engine, her Hush-

a-Bye suspension.

Take her for a spin anJ we think

you'll agree she's the quietest ride yet. So

quiet, in (act, you might even wonder:

wh can't every woman he a Ford

Ventorina?
Jackie

Th. Ford Vsntorir.a

7k 196.5 (7ord Oenh,rinu


WHEN YOU NEED A LITTLE PEACEAND QUIET
a PANONY wr tnumzfln .v po.»
:1

You always come back to the basics. I1M

IEW !I
IF 'LJ L_U mance included "a warm, urgent 'And I
Am Telling You I'm Not Going." On the
I-T. II-I other hand, that same year John Waite
revealed a "strained, thin vocal delivery
that is at once urgent and lacking in
color." In 1985 Carol Bruce's vocal inter-
pretations "lack(ed) urgent involvement,"
and Angela Bofill's singing was "much
less urgent than it used to be." But the
Four Tops still possessed an "urgent pop-
soul ballad style," and Stevie Wonder
was able to follow Lionel Richie's open-
¿ng lines on "We Are the World" with a
-I- I fU "reedier, more urgent response." In 1986
Luther Vandross shrewdly chose not to
treat one number as "an urgent plea to an
L fl criticisn , nothing succeeds like repetition. insensitive lover"; Simple Minds boasted
"repetitive chants urgently intoned"; and
repetition and, in a pinch. repetition Michael Feinstein made old standards
sound "brand-new and personally urgent."
While 1987 was notable chiefly for
BY HENRY DUTCH HOLLAND Michael Bolton's "feverishly urgent remake"
of "Dock of the Bay," sometime around
1988 Holden discovered that The Word
On a range of one to 10," wrote Daily News gossip stenog- was versatile and could be applied to more
II
rapher Liz Smith, "I'd give the Steinberg fete 100 % . I don't than just singing; Holden scholars cite
know, Liz. I was there, too, andon a range ofone to lOfd his Arts & Leisure piece on Robert
have given it a C+. Plant's Now and Zen, with its reference to
R L Demanding, exacting, exigent, insistent, instan!, the LP's "urgent, accelerated rockers," as a
or importunate, pressing, crying, clamorous these are breakthrough of sorts. Since then he has
s
among the many, many
words that simply will not
do for the earnest Stephen Holden of The
New York Times. Only one word will do,
and that word is urgent. The Holden :
Review System (Vocalist Division) says .
use ituse it often, use it twice in the
same review ifyou have to, use it in other -

forms (urgency, ior example). Just use it.


For no other word in the language con-
veys the same, I don't know, urgent ur-
gency. Some historical perspective is
required, for Holden has understood the :..
power of the U word since he began
writing for the Times, in the early 1980s.
A brief, though incomplete, recap:
George Benson's voice at a 1982 con- LIRI;EI1
cert was "more urgent sounding than
usual." Marty Balm, Holden wrote a few
months later, once sang "urgent duets"
with Grace Slick. In 1983 Smokey Robin-
son still possessed an "urgent, enraptured
delivery," as opposed to Carly Simon's
"urgent, open-hearted folk-pop delivery"
and the style of Valerie Simpson, "an
urgentgospel belter." In 1984 Paul Young
gave an "urgent rendition" of a Marvin
Gaye song, and a Gladys Knight perfor-
felt free to employ The Word in a variety lies, andvideotape). "Freddy's still the tops thralling ofthe summer blockbusters, one
of situations: Otis Redding's "urgent in screen slashers" (A Nightmare on Elm ofthe best pictures ofthe year. . . [and) a
uptempo numbers" at Monterey; the "ur- Street 5: The Dream Child). "Racy, raucous love story of shattering impact:'
gently percussive ensemble playing" of and roaringly funny" (7'ue Love). "One of Despite such tempting possibilities as
Hannibal Peterson's quartet; the "urgent the brightest, bawdiest, no-bull woman "Abyss-mal" and "Jookie crumbles"-both
cries" of the Gipsy Kings' lead vocalist; characters in years" (Shirley Valentine). of which were used it was sex, lies, and
Maria Muldaur's "urgent gospel-flavored Even his review of Casualties of War, a videotape that brought headline writers'
rendition" ofsomething or other; Take 6's movie Travers considers "flawed," con- creativity to fever pitch last summer.
"urgent gospel emotionality"; and LL. tains at least one phrase that is preblurbi- [Editors' note: see also "Read My Clips,"
Cool J's "urgent, rhyming sweet-talk" fled: "In this movie powerhouse, [Michael page 42,) A sampling:
though Holden also wrote that rap "im- J' Fox) gives his finest screen perfor- "Sex, Lies, and Steve Sodcrbergh" (The
plies. . .that what is being said is too mance," (Me,no to Columbia Publicity: Take
Village Voice). '"sex, lies' and soderbergh"
urgent to be sweetened." Hmmm. Maybe, that one and run with it.) (Gannett's Reporter Dispatch). "Sex, Lies &
as he went on to say, it simply reflects Travers is a cheerleader; he likes prac- Sodcrbengh" (Mirabel/a). "sex, lies and
growing acceptance ofrap songs that are rically everything, and his overwrought, Laura San Giacomd' (People). 'Sex, Lies'
"more urgent in their tone." clunky enthusiasm is embarrassing. He and Spader" (T/,e New York Times). "Sex,
Its urgentpersonally, Feinsteinishly should either turn it way down or turn Lies and Letters" (Time). "Sex, Lies and
urgentthat we leave Stephen Holden itslightlyup and plead parody. No Commercials" (the Times). "Sex, lies, suc-
now, but here's one final, recent flurry: jury would buy it, but maybe ifhe sticks
cess ..... (Neu.'sweek). 'sex, lies,' media
Holden "did not sense an urgent vision to his story long enough readers might and the FBI" (USA Thday). , . . News, Lies
informing [Deacon Blues') songs," whereas eventually choose to believe that invita- and Videotape" (the Times). "death, lies,
k.d. lang 'communicate[s) a stunning tion-to-laughter-don't-fail-to-R.S.V. P con-
and videotape" (the New York Post). "Love,
urgency" and the The's new songs have structions are intentionally bad. That Lies and Murder ..." (the Times). "Sex,
a "do-or-die urgency" (which is fitting, other way, taking them at face value, Lowe, and Videotape" (the Voice). . . . Sex,
given that leader Matt Johnson "may madness lies. prize & videotape" (Daily Neu's). "Sex, lit'
have urgent messages to impart"). Some of the nation's finest film cnt- igation and videotape" (Rolling Stone). Lies.
Holden's more readable colleague at icsapart from Traverswene sidelined Lies, and More Lies" (The New Y,rker).
the Times, Jon Pareles, used every word briefly last August by Washington Post re-
"Sex, Nuts and Questionnaires (sPy).
but you-know-what to describe a Pixies viewer Hal Hinson's wedding. Among the
show: "Frenetic and offhand, deranged guests: Stephen Schiff (Vanity Fair, Na- By autumn we were all checking the
and savvy, funny and brutal, crisp and tional Public Radio), Peten Rainer (Los papers for "De Niro, Stahn and Real
wayward, the Pixies brought their calmly Angeles Herald Examiner), Mike Sragow Estate," what with Robert De Niro's con-
schizophrenic, firmly dislocated rock to (San Francisco Herald Examiner) , David venting the Martinson Coffee building in
the Ritz on Friday night." Truly a band Denby (New 'rbrk) and David Edelstein TnißeCa into a film-production center.
with something for everyone or at least (New York Post). With The Abyss opening But though the headline never maten-
everything for someone. On a range of the following week, the issue became alized, allusions to Monroe Stahr (the De
one to 10, this lead gets a thumbs-down, how to enable these men to meet their Niro character in The Last Tycoon) surely
(Speaking of Liz Smith and rock 'n' professional commitments without sac- did. The engaging Peter W. Kaplan,
roll, here she is apropos of nothing in riflcing the precious time traditionally writing in Man, inc., a pointless supple-
particular: "Rock, which never really set aside fon male bonding. The solution: ment introduced in September's Manhat-
went away, is back with a vengeance Twentieth Century Fox arranged for a tan. inc. , began his article on the actor's
everywhere; it's all over and all around special screeningat Hinsoni bachelor venture with a quote from the Fitzgerald
us." As insights go, that oneon a range party. Maybe it was this atmosphere that book and soon had De Nino "showing the
ofone to 10gets a halfstar, at best.) inspired Denby's and Edelstein's subse- slight, severe authority he showed as the
Turn to Rolling Stone for rock criticism quent descriptions ofJames Cameron's slim, decisive mogul Monroe Stahr," (The
and you certainly get it, although you direction: "advanced Erector Set mental- matter ofDe Niro's weight is what really
also get Peter Travers on movies. Travers, ity" (Denby) and "testosterone-heavy tech- holds Kaplan's piece together: later he is
as has been pointed out here before, nique" (Edelstein). Maybe. "currently trim," and laten still he is "trim
churns out his marquee-ready copy with Hinson himself didn't review The these days") And William H. Honan, in
a discomfiting absence of irony. Since we Abyss his Washington Post colleague The New Yirk Times, began his article on
last checked in with him, the overassigned (and, apparently, Peten Travers soul the project with the inevitable compari-
reviewer has added these jewels to his mate) Rita Kempley did, "A veritable son: "When Robert De Nino appeared
growing oeuvre: "Monumental, mold- chowder of chills;' she called it, though some years ago ¡n the title role of. . . Then
breaking entertainment" (The Abyss). her review matched the general consen- he extracted a quote from De Niro on the
"[Tom) Hanks is an invitation to laugh- sus that The Abyss wasn't very good. And whole Stahr issue.
ter. Don't fail to R.S.V.P." (Turner & Hooch). Travers? "The greatest underwater adven- I don't know It is a fairly apt, if obvious,
'[James Spader's) wrenching, wounded ture ever filmed;' he wrote, hedging his allusion. On a range ofone to 10, I'd give
interpretation is definite Oscar bait" (sex, bets as usual, "the most consistently en- it a bravo. j

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 117


II I I -ru-u Paris and Atlanta, but after he altogether
dismantled the Southwest Bureau in
tween a threat and a promise.
NBC Entertainment, ofcourse, is run
Houston, he was forced to admit his by Brandon Tartikoff, and Tartikoff hap-
blunder and reestablish the outpost in pens to be a friend of Ebersol's (the two
Dallas. Similarly, he demoted the partied last summer in Connecticut,
foreign-bureau chiefs across-the-board to curiously, with Henry Kissinger). Tar-
producers, then was forced to make tikoff's touch is already being felt in
many ofthem bureau chiefs again. And News: it's said to be he who inspired,
although he successfully exiled Tim Rus- almost by accident, the unaccountably
sert, his predecessor's right-hand man, to popular prime-time Maria Shriver vehi-
Washi ngton, Russert's expertly dissem. de Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow, a show
bling spin control ofthe transfer (A demo- that seems less like a network news broad-
The men in line to the throne of NBC iion?No uìay) and competent management cast than like something shown at a theme
ofthe \Vashington bureau has, ironically, park's infotainment pavilion . Apparently
Neu's president Michael Gartner made him an even more powerful poten- Tartikoff, months earlier, had rather
tial rival to Gartner. offhandedly mentioned to someone in
B Y J. O E G I L L I S
The other shrewd, affable young vice the news division that nostalgia seemed
president with designs on Gartner's job to be very much in the air. Practically be-
has been installed right there with him at fore Tartikoff knew it, executive pro-
Former presidents of television news di- 30 Rock. Gartner was the one, technical- ducer Sid Feders had taken the passing
visions come in two basic varieties: the ly, who hired Dick Ebersol, the former notion and concocted YTT, complete
anxious pedant (Reuven Frank of NBC, Saturday Night Live executive producer with special-effects shots of 1989 news-
---- Larry Grossman of NBC and current NBC Sports president, to people against turn-of-the-century back-
e-Q: and, of course, Fred oversee the Today show, but in truth Eber- drops. lfTartikoffhad happened instead
H
Ö
- Friendly oICBS) and the
arrogant martinet (Rich-
sol was brought in by his good buddy to make a comment about the weather,
NBC News might now be promoting a
,,
ard Wald of NBC, Van show called Heat Wave.
Gordon Sauter of CBS and, of course, Over at ABC, Ebersol's role model,
Fred Friendly oICBS). Mike Gartner, the Roone Arledge, doesn't fall into either
current president oINBC News, is of the standard network-news-president cate-
Friendly variety, although employees f Gartner were goryat ABC, the aloof intellectuals
have so far encountered little of Gartner (Ted Koppel) and arrogant SOBs (Sam
the putative intellectual. No news presi. competent, he might at least Donaldson) are actually on TV. Fortu-
dent since Sauter has been so intensely nately for the staffs, they spend most of
loathed by his staff. But Gartner is im- their time carping at each other. Donald-
mensely popular, it turns out, with the have the grudging respect
son has been boasting to colleagues (and,
only colleagues who really matter at NBC remarkably, on the air) that his three-
these days - the tough-guy bean-counters ofhis staff month-old show Primetime Live is so good
at General Electric, which owns NBC. that no one needs to watch Nightline any-
The horrible morale at NBC is not more. The snipe was especially galling to
merely a function of Gartner's angry- Bryant Gumbel. At the very least, Eber- Koppel: former Nightline executive
little-man-in-a-bow-tie manner - the gra- sol will act as a buffer and broker be- producer Rick Kaplan is in charge of
tuitous insults to current employees tween the mean, egomaniacal Gartner Primetime Live, and Koppel is contempru-
(Nancy Collins) and about-to-be-former and the mean, egomaniacal Gumbel. ous of Donaldson and his knee-jerk left-
employees (Chris Wallace), the unneces- But what the Tochiy host may really be of-center bully-boyism. (Indeed, those at
sary public screaming match with NBC after is more fundamentaldetaching Nightline tend to be contemptuous of
affiliates last summer in California, the his show from the budget-cutting news every ABC News show but their own.)
undisguised newspaperman's contempt division altogether. When one colleague After Primetime Live premiered, Koppel
for TV news. The deeper problem is that complained to Gumbel about NBC's and his staffs in Washington and New
he is more Queeg than Patton, more new low-rent policies (a planned week in York spent the next couple of days quot-
Brezhnev than Stalin: if Gartner were a Africa was canceled to save money, as ing with relish from negative newspaper
competent prick, he might at least have the was a more modest trip outside NBC's reviews ofthe new Donaldson-and-Diane-
grudging respect of his staff. offices into Rockefeller Center in June Sawyer show. And some weeks later, the
But his power plays are pathetic. He and now Today is gearing up for a Nightline staff whipped together in just
did manage to establish a revamped News glamorous five-city tour ofthe Rust Belt), halla day a tight, tough show about Mal-
Desk, that by regulating assignments Gumbel smiled knowingly. No money? coim Forbes's Moroccan parry. What
manages only to bully his senior under- It:í not that way in sports, said the star. lt's spurred such frenzy? The knowledge
lings who actually create programming. not that way in entertainment, Gumbel that Primetime Live was planning a seg-
He cut back the NBC News bureaus in said, making it sound somewhere be- ment on Forbes just two nights hence. )
118 SPY NOVEMBER 1989
AI_I_ .ri -ri-u nary energy and creative synergies» that Los Angeles, Rogin was spotted in the
would be generated by the unlikely lash- stands, generati ng extraordinary energy
riLI%IE: w ing-together of the genteel backwater and synergy with Olympic runner Mary
publisher Little, Brown and the go-go Decker the night before ber 3,000-meter
sensationalist Warner Books. And the race. The next day Decker, owing per-
friendless Nick Nicholas, putative heir haps to a synergy-overload lapse ín con-
apparent to co-CEO Dick Munro, led a centration, tripped, whined and ended
gathering of Time Inc. employees in a up not finishing the race.
pep rally on the meaning of synergy. You More recently, Rogin hired his live-in
know what a CD is?, Nicholas called out. girlfriend,Jacqueline Duvoisin, to work
Yeeeees, the crowd was encouraged to as a photographer. It was an unusual
respond. Think ojal1 that wasted space in move for a magazine that has made its
the packaging. %Vell, the great synergist name, in large part, on the excellence of
went on, on Warner CDs that area could its photography: few at the magazine had
Hiringfriends. doingJzvcrs synergy be used to advertise our new Entertainment ever heard of Duvoisin before. The Sports
Weekly! Illustratedstaffwas ordered to supply her
Indeed, the spirit of creative synergy with equipment and on-the.job training.
IT MACAULAY CONNOR abounds in Time Warners free-to-be- Following a brief, ill-fated stint on the
you-and-me executive environment. Gil track-and-field circuit she was given a
Months after the merger, the use of Rogin, the company's corporate editor, regular beat, golf, which photographically
meaningless seventies-speak continues has put extraordinary energy and crea- is surely one of the least demanding
unchecked in the executive offices of tive synergies to work in a very personal sports in the magazine's menu.
'\ debt-burdened Time way himself. Rogin floated up from Sports Fortunately, golf also happens to be
Warner. A memo illustrated, where he had been managing one of Mark Mulvoy's favorite sports.
..-
jF from Kelso Sutton, editor, to fill Jason McManus's old job And Mulvoy owes much ofhis success at
N F O RA T O N the widely despised when McManus finally glad-handed Sports Illustrated, including his current
c) elevator-shoe buff enough executives to become editor in position as managing editor, to Rogin,
and head of Time-Life Books, blathered chief of all Time publications in 1987. his predecessor. Although Rogin's friend
Duvoisin is apparently the only photog-
! ' pages about the "extraordi- During the 1984 Summer Olympics in

BACARtI ' Rum. MADE IN PUERTO RfCO. acnui m T[ n DEVICE E REGISTERED TRADEMARKS OF 8ACDt & COMPANY tIM?(D © 969 8ACtROI IMPORTS Nc NIAML Ft RUM 40% tC BY VOI.
rapher ever to be asked to leave the golf
course of the British Open for infrac-
I II F tJ II III have anticipated, given the nature of
most river-rafting trips. Block, on the
dons, other impediments to her flourish- other hand, spent the trip doing what
Ing career have been handled in a man- any self-respecting agency chief would
net designed to please her patron and do: trying to brownnose big-ticket Crea-
companion. An SI senior editor once rive Artists Agency talent. Block's gambit
asked Mulvoy to get rid of Duvoisin, to for this particular mission was to repeat-
which Mulvoy replied, shamelessly, i cdly tell Cruise that he would be more
can't. I promised Gil. \Vhen a senior than happy to carry his gear for him, he
official of the PGA threatened to corn- wouldn't mind at all, really, il wouldbe no
plain to Mulvoy about Duvoisin, he was problem uhaisoever. Finally, after Block had
warned by a sympathetic Sports Illustrated offered enough times to seem more an-
picture editor that Mulvoy might curtail When it cornes to getting what you want noying than helpful, Katzenbcrg blurted
its coverage of the event if he did. (No to Block over the campfire one night,
complaint was lodged.) And when an ¿n Hollywood. no price is loo dear 'You knos Bill, by the end of this trip
actual photographer offered Duvoisin we're going to have to get a blowtorch to
some technical advice, which she misun- get your nose out ofToms ass.'
I Y C L L I A I R A D Y
derstood, ruining her film ici the process. Night o/the Living Career-Dead: Disney
the photographer didn't work at Sports has specialized in resurrecting the
Illustrated fo r tl'i ree months. River Rats: The age-old nature-nurture careers of 1970s stars turned middle-
Duvoisin is, however, the only fe- debatethat is, is personality a product aged 1980s losers. Its real test will come
male photographer on staff at Sports ofenvironment, or is it an inherent func with the planned career rejuvenations of
Illustrated a magazine renowned for its tion ofbirthapplies to Goldie Hawn and Tom Selleck, both of
blundering, anachronistic treatment of all walks of life, even one whom recently signed deals with Holly-
women. lt has had to award two large I
as sociologically primi- wood Pictures (Disney's new division
out-of-court settlements to former fe- tive as the entertainment headed by Hobermans nemesis Ricardo
male employees in the last two years. One industry. Its most recent Mestres), and still more urgently with
of the women was unceremoniously application in the world of show busi- Richard Gere, who has just finished
dumped, after working at the company ness occurred in August, during which filming 3000 from a dark, Collector-like
the following hypothetical research ques-
tion was posed: if a talent agent were re-
moved from his phone, his Rolodex and
his desk, would he still be the manipula.
tive, pushy schmoozaholic that he is
f an agent were removed from
when in his native habitat?
In the cases of 1CM defectorInter-
Talent cofounder Bill Block and ICMs his phone. Rolodex and desk, would
J eremy Zimmer, the answer is yes. Both
proved themselves to be urban creatures
he still be the pushy schmoozaholic
this summer when they joined machos
and machos manqués Tom Selleck, Tom
Cruise, Jeff "Sparky' Katzenberg, defen- he is in his native habitat?
dant Don Simpson, Touchstone Films
president David Hoberman, Three iSlen
and a Baby adapters Jim Cruickshank script that has been kicking around town
and James Orr, director John Badham for some time. Gere, of course, was the
and director-producer Rob Cohen for talk ofthe town when he gave a midsum-
Hollywood's annual executive river-raft mer party for the Dalai Lama to which he
for more than three decades, because she excursion down the Snake River. invited all the studio despots.Just before
failed to warn Sports Illustrated's editors Zimmer exhibited that trait which the momentous event, executives were
about a feminist rally due to take place distinguishes the world of agents from madly phoning one another, desperate to
earlier this year to protest the magazine's that of nonagents the need to express find out how exactly to address the Ti-
Swimsuit Issue. to others the full brunt of one's personal betari holy man. One can only speculate
Professional photography equipment discomfort. \Vhile the rest of the camp- about how many of them came up with
in the hands of amateurs, subscription ers reveled in more conventional rituals the jest "Hello Dalai' and then were
coupons on CD packaging. doomed, de- of male bonding, Zimmer seized upon forced to feign utter hilarity when it was
rivative entertainment weeklies synergy the opportunity to whine about his fear repeated to them later by someone
at work in the media conglomerate of the ofthe water and his displeasure at having higher up in the Hollywood food chain.
future. ) to eat outdoorsproblems he might They Shoot Producers. Don't They? No

120 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


one's quite sure about icy, driven , l%I problem of finding somebody with a few
producer Gale Anne Hurd. Granted, her million dollars to spend on a few thou-
two big hits, The Terminator and Aliens, sand square feet, some of them with
had a combined gross ofover $300 mil- views try finding somebody to buy the
lion, but then again, both were directed same place with bullet holes on the
by her talented then-boyfriend (in the master bedroom wall and spots of blood
first instance) and then-husband (in the freshly scrubbed from the wainscoting.
second),James Cameron. Their most re- lt was just such a situation that a real
cent joint effort, The Abyss, never quite estate agent encountered a few years ago
lived up to its spring- and summer-long when she was brokering a half-million-
schedule of hype and, more important, dollar five-room duplex on East 72nd
che two films she produced that didn't lLJ Street, just offPark Avenue. All was going
have Cameron directing Bad Dreams smoothly: a socially ambitious couple
and Alien Nation were complete bombs. was eager to move in, and a doctor and
She has a unique way of acknowledg- Sei/ing apartments redolent with death his wife were looking forward to selling.
ing those who work for her. Throughout All that remained was the traditional
the making of The Abyss, Hurd alienated haggling over the pricewhich is what
many members of the crew with her
BY MICHAEL KAPLAN the broker and purchasers had come for
relentless demands and her seeming ma- when they walked in on a ferocious argu.
bility to utter the words thank you. When Bad things happen in good buildings. ment between the doctor and his wife. "It
she failed to include many of the crew Even in the best buildings. Even in those wasn't just a quarrel," says someone privy
members' names in the closing credits, a hulking prewar monoliths scattered to the sale. "At least once they threatened
member of the production staff asked
why. "We need to shorten the film. And
- J\ along the border avenues
of the Upper East Side.
to kill each other."
Despite the embarrassment of intrud-
EAL
plus," added Hurd (a woman who flew s
And when everything is ing on such a personal squabble, the
her horses to The Abyss's location so that not quite, well, right at one broker managed to shepherd the deal
she could ride during the shoot), "it uil/I of these posh addresses, through, leaving only the legal paper-
save money." selling an apartment there can be a task work to be done. Shutting the door on
See you Monday night at Mortons. ) fraught with difficulty. Never mind the the still-bickering (Continued on page ¡24)

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I
Li l%J - _ U U I-1 23. Learnt rearranged ("oddly"). Antlers are
the points of a whole buck.
28. CE eating ham before Noel goes back-

ward ("turns").
u 29. Played is the synonym. Billy Cox, as
everyone who is interested in the saga of C L D S
New York's five boroughs knows, played
third base for the Brooklyn Dodgers, and
Brooklynites in them days stereotypically Allclassxfiedordçrs muit be iypedaizdprcpaid. Th order
pronounced third like toyed. by phone, call (212) 633-6550. To determine ihe
number o/unti in yonr ad, count each letter, space and
plonclualion mark, anddivide by 50. PIeae include your
ACROSS DOWN daytime telephoote number and addreis on a/I cor-
respondence, and send to spy, 5 Union Square West,
1. Let me ust say a word about how this 1. Crirneless rearranged ("sort of"). Neu: York, N. Y. ¡0003, Attention Gina Duclayan.
puzzle works: each clue (with occasional 2. Dec. a.m. coming up.
CLASSIFIED ADS: $30 per line; $25 per line for
exceptions not featured this month) gives 5. A negative account would be the con, as two or more consecutive months.
the answer twice: once literally ("British opposed to the pro, version. PERSONALS: $25 per line; limited abbreviations
mother") and once jokily or anagrammati- 8. 1 assume we would all like to return to the accepted. Add $15 for si"r box number. Mail will
be forwarded for eight weeks following publication.
cally or something. People are forever tell- bosom. L don't think this is a sexist allusion.
CLASSIFIED DISPLAY: $200 per column inch;
ing me that they cant work this puzzle, but To the bosom of something. $180 for two or more consecutive months.
they can. All that's required is the will to do 13. A flatland is ap/am, and then dane takes
GIFTS
it. The BrItish do this sort ofthing in several in an a. I guess this clue is sexist, but since
WHERE ARE THE GIRLS? AND THE BOYS? Uruquc
different newspapers every day, and the it is condescending toward male homeli- ncw map shows number ot'single men per loo single
British are as eighties as you please. mci- women in 150 large metro arcas. See striking dilterences
ness, it is surely okay, and it redresses "Plain between areas. 4 color. 18 a 24. $10 ppd. MAP MAKERS.
dentally, it would have been nice for this Jane." 221 Crosby Avenue, Kcnmorc, NY 14217. Guar4ntec.

clue, and for one's sense ofthe intercon- 15. in a camera rearranged ("redeveloped"). MISCELLANEOUS
nectedness of things, if Ronald Reagan 22. A commanding officer is a CO, and mic BEAUTIFUL, educated, English-speaking. ASiAN tt'OMEN
called Nancy "Mummy," but no, it's "Mom- seek life relationship. Genuine. traditional values. Brochure
sounds like "Mick." of 300 leaves no doubt. (203) 584.7l2, BLUE HORIZONS
my." He may call Mrs. Thatcher "Mummy," 25. Did you know that the expression nerts, Dept. 307SP. 862 Farmington Ave., Bristol, Cl' 06010.

I don't know. as in "Nerts to you," was racy Hollywood TRAVEL


9. Reclusion means the state of"being shut slang in the thirties? A euphemism for nuts. SAVE 50% AT LEADING HOTELS NATIONWIDE. Tray-
up." The cryptic part ofthe clue is the letters el like a travel agent. Start saving today. Send $39.95 for a
Back then, Hollywood didn't make movies one-year membership: GLOBAL EXPRESS, PO. BOX 1216,
in I#crec rearranged ("assorted") plus no. I in which people called one another Scum- GREAT NECK. NY. 11023.

backward, bag or even said, "I'm mad as hell and I'm BOOK DISCUSSION GROUP
lo. B stands for born. "In present condition" notgoing to take it anymore," which is what LITER.ATE TALKATIVE?Join others like yourseluan a
means as is. new Manh. book group. Pick. read & discuss works you en-
people in the television audience started joy Call Rick @496.0068 (or information.
1 1 . 1 (roman numeral one) plus god in rear- yelling out their windows in the seventies
ranged ("crazy"). . Ive seen your doormat - Its no
movie Network at the urging of a disgrun-
14, Van surrounded by e.g. plus slime rear-
DAN QUAYLE DOORMAT"
tied newsguy played by Peter Finch. He had The perfect gift for that special Republican This quality
mal measures 18 'X 27' 'in Tan and Black, Just add foot-
ranged Cmessy"). Evangelism pursues whipped up an actual stand.up-and.be- prints (Completely washable). Destined to become a
other people's 5 Down. It also pursues other counted technomob, or rather countertech- collector's item. Send S19.95 (plus $3 P&H) each 10:
The Spark Corp. Box L-485
people's money, ofcourse, but what doesn't nomob. A naive conception, we realize Church St. Station. N Y. . N.Y 10008-485
these days? now.)
16. B is the head ofbone. Plus it. There are WIPE YOUR FEET
IPLEASE
eight bits to a dollar two bits is a quarter.
I -
This usage goes back to the old pieces-of- MUMMY TECHNOMOB
' , 3 4 3

eight coin, which was indented so that it


could be broken, or changed, into eight
IIL 1112 ?I.11I2
RECLUSION BASIS I
I
»:DoMc
bits. IujII!i
!NDI!OHARQOM
20. The New Testament tells, quaintly as may

be, of the poor widow who gave a greater uiI


VAN
II
EL
ìI II
S MUB
D A N I S H-
gift than the rich man because she gave her
E G I I T S
SOUPERBAG'"
"The ultImate In relaxed panache"
mite, a piddling coin but the only money
SEEPUWIDOWSMITE - ESQUIRE
she had. "Surviving wife" is widow, and "hit
hard" is smite.
!II I!.I1 lillA
COINCIDEUANTLER
Our praccal Darush import features sre nitty
pockets, expandable sides. sturdy straps: wears kke cod-rotd
steel: hauts everything sensibly; wit organize your hIe. Perfect
22. To coincide is to "come together." If homi- carryon flight bag. pracbcal gift. In squashy grey, black. brown,
3g
o C T U S A E H
cide is killing a person, then coincide might MIAMI ALTERNATE
3g V red. blue, turquoise waterproof canvas. $75 plus $3.50 stopping.
Send for brochure.
ThE CHOCOLATE SOUP
(give me a break here, we're having fun) be I N V N U U R A 946 Madison Avenue, New York City 10021 (212) 861-fllO
killing change. 'IHAMIE i:. EOIN "rIOIYIEID

NOVEMBER 1909 SPY 123


couple, she breathed a sigh of relief bargain: $450,000 for a space that the
and rang for the elevator, believing that broker says would have otherwise brought
the high - commission , high anxiety at least $100,000 more. Still, it could
PHOTO CREDITS ordeal was almost over. The next morn- have been worse. "Once we explained
¡ng, however, her optimism unraveled that there was no forcible entry, the prop-
Aádtê.noI Co.,, Cr.ds: Mode Teddy Couco (Mery Knge); To'y when she saw the New York Posts front erry was not as difficult to sell as an
Krk Mev Ctcng AbfCtOflb6 & F,ich Borboto Tfok
frepeened '? Heod). page: in a fit ofanger the doctor had shot apartment of an AIDS victim," admits
Po9. 4: UPI/Bennarwi Nwuco (tAJ. bomb
po9. 9: Fiedenc Ls wVmO w honky. d) Pcio"d Rood tOrd:
his wife dead and then killed himself the broker. "Those are the hard ones." (In'
jF/W,de Wo'4d td.ogtomi. Boogec CO(fl1ey Cødø.*, nc leaving the apartment drenched in blood. deed, rumors that several tenants of one
p.,. 30: AMon Sengnono/Goleta. od, tBnkiey) Ron Gote4o
r'doegt: Yonre Heffne/Grna{KwM &esinI. "We mourned for a minute or two, but Chelsea building have died from AIDS
Peg. 31: /8errnn Newphoio (Deon.
Page 32: KooI Cokcion (pr4on}. our main concern was the deal" remem- complications have made selling units
Peg. 34: Cne9te Hoi by 8io T kNOy. coMesy Coinege Hoi. bers a co-worker at the real estate broker- there increasingly difficult, One broker
Pog. 36: Bob EonilL tSm$I: Johcn/Garwoionon tMed9et: Itene
Vyxjerrro1er/ÑmotMirnots lIOdOeJ: C I 988 Newsdoy IDo/rnl: age. We called [the dead couples) attorney sourly calls the building "jinxed,")
ei cs.pd.voi rj); Ron Goieo (Thi, Sondsnom
cor'eny New Yo Rongees and explained that a price had been agreed Considering that this is a city with an
p... 3!: Scvo Boufl (Monhe}. Fones' Aodenon/Gon'ro{ciscn
(Ch :
upon. Luckily, he trusted us enough to exceedi ngly high tolerance for intolerable
Poe. 40: C4re tuq (bSood donoj; SIPA ). Nehoa courer issue a contract," The broker's next con- accommodations, the rule of thumb in
Cr Co. tic, : PÍWÖe Wood (Bokket. Rose)
Page 42: rl. frrrrroeg Robers )rx) cern was that the buyers would be spooked Manhattan's real estate market should
Mrsrong Roseos ss4eni).
Png 43: H
Pngn 44: Howo,d Fionk (Spock)
by the recent gunplay. No problem, she come as no surprise: no matter how re-
Pngn 4.8: P.cks d sdeo coeri Oy MÜChOR1 P. Mctog) n said. 'The people moving in had no pulsive the murder, as long as it is personal
Page O: Pos & rdeo coseo by /ocho& P Wdogl.n
po9,1 2: Ros, Fo4ro/Phoo«epones )Møroug) qualms about it. They felt lucky to have (as opposed to the kind involving a dis'
po9. 56: Cousesy o) The Ne.s Vo'k Times.
Po 60: siip Wess reached an agreement before the murder." agreeable stranger and an inadequate
Pe 61: Prvoie coecbon.
But striking deals around gruesome
Pnv. 62: 0 Kery ichOfd5C4 r.ngeI. xse,le colechon )1cç1: PIp
security system) New Yorkers will not
eom) circumstances isn't always so easyeven hesitate to live in the space where it oc-
Pngr 63: 0 Keny Rchodsc.
Page 64: htp Weos bosom s). in New York's cold-blooded real estate curred. Perhaps the ultimate proot'is the
66: ie cO..cthn
Page
Pegt 68: Prose co8eoson DOÇ4: C Keiry Rhordson )boion}.
market. Early last year, police arrived at case of the West 10th Street apartment
Page 69: Bob Dobbono Imp); pth. coflectoi bQIOm). accountant Layne Alexander's West 15th once occupied hyjoel Steinberg (who, by
Pegt
Poge
72: Bb Dol±oiHo )p): PtdP WeSS
73: Pthp Wess Woo.).
)b. Street loft to find him lying face up with the way, was more than a year behind in
Pog. 74: cc1eOi )boeom).
Po9. 75: Php Wess. a bullet through his head. Whispers of his roughly S500-a-month rent). Stigma.
76: Ptho4e coecon
Poq.
Poe. 78: Benno Pved,ron/Ovdoe )PPOmej; H. Arnsscng R
S&M doings surrounded the murder. tized by death, drugs and nightmarish
Although the human debris was cleaned publicitybesides being spotted with
Po9. 91 : Po)ydc.os AroewM/Gomrro1josor Dop GoboL ROnIePO
. . . . . Goibo). Smei/Go)elo. Ltd (kqvere): Prode ).ng): blood, reeking of urine and outfitted
Mono Gorniec )Es). P)oss).s )ep Tbomçsso): AP/W4G Wos)d (boiom
Thompscs. G. Hoiod). Tim /Pij) Porode )E. K Hcn)odL Joy with a dented exercise barthe house oí
Wad cosiesy )ay Wotd Pvoctors.
p... 2: F*oio)esi )Ossn); H. Arm*ong Robets (E)e) Tojses): S.eo'/
horrors was put back on the market at
Goio. I'd. )Borime): lawçence cQr1eYj Acemsing '& UPu twice the rent that the disbarred consen-
Bepecor Newsphcos )PmchonL Ashoy Sangnoro/GohlIo. od.
Poreg; &tIe WeM )P. Speciol; Sosar PhJkps/ (R Speclo).
hile the wildcat itself was easily SUS "fiend" had (not) been paying.
p... 93: PSCIOIiO) Potode )Fsche): Wcdno Gneo (K.sks). t 988 The right kind of scandal can even
Greg E. Wossn/PMJ tWos S.,): Y&e .kweos 0)1k. o) Pubhc
H)onrec. WOOlf.. J. MC(S). T? Ço&rondl: 5meo1/GoteIc Ltd. add a certain cachet to otherwise ordi-
)Nev$on) L/8enmovor Nwpls )*-e): Robes Deisc)/LG) tEks)
P.g. 94: Ke. Froncki;n/LG1. removedfrom the dead actor nary quarters. Take the loft in whichJean.
p.,. 95: tJPT/Bororn Nerio teno: ol ov+ers Pior'derca
no80.iess Ptoos. Michel Basquiat took an overdose of
po,. 12$: 8oehmyÌVIord/PA ) Woos.e): o cs. Ror GOIO. heroin and died. Artist manqué and night-
P.9. 129: Gn A. Dos Lore. Nhen .mpeo(olor). Osco' Abc1o)a/ apartment, the excrement and odor
Gxrtrcioscn )Bo*r): ai o4es. o Go3 club owner Eric Goode seems to view his
sPY-o 2Scb-ANNIVEKMRY FACSIMILE KEEPSAKE FIRST EDITION own tenancy in the Great Jones Street
Edeed by Be Handy. des gred by Chshoon Kwpen: co.fr.EIoo
it left behindproved ,ìzore enduring apartment/studio as a badge ofhonor. as
Heny Aod. otn Sod,. Geoge Kogecoks. Doold Korp. Doi Ley. if it were a validation of his ardstic
Jore Wohyows
seriousness, And at the Chelsea Hotel,
I9&t SUPPOEMENT PIROTOCREDITS
Pigs I: LP/BOMonn Nesphosos Isotdes): OU,. P)cios D4on oodì
UI)before the 2,400-square-foot space spiky-haired teenagers and neo-Symbolist
P.9. 2: H 5msong Ro)ens rbcb): ol )es. PicooI Poode was made available for prospective buy. European tourists frequently request the
P... 3: Motey/G)obe Ploos )Kee)e.): UP/Beemoon N.wphocs
)GOiAdL M Resce (8b boses): AP/Mde Wctd (RFK). Fed Wyd/ ers, it was hardly pristine. "The place was Vicious Room, where exSex Pistol Std
ock Se HOOe).
Peg. 4: PP/Wde Wood )Cohn).
a mess," says a broker who worked on the Vicious stabbed his girlfriend, Nancy
Pog. S: FredeiC tew Sock Ptcon )Food). sale, "Of course the apartment reflected Spungen, to death. Alas, the requests
Po9. 6 Glo)e Pfoes )Sesood); CM PdS,ø5 gjor): Pic'oo
Porode )Kennedy. S*cïr) how the people in it were living. Papers cannot be honoredthe murder scene
Pegs 7: AP/Wee Wold )&zbege); Mono hcnes/Lme Wcgazre
e'4dI: N'ti Pcuies )C)edge). and boxes and dirty clothing were every- has been converted into an apartment.
Poas 8: AP(Mde Wood toc os) tgq), tQT/BetWnonr Newsphoios
: ..i. PCOd Pood. (moiocode. bce L).
where." More ominous than any of the Evidence left from yet another drug-
Pog, 9: AP/We Wood )cok.: toc okw donc.sg: bono. tvcij, dl detritus was a metal bar suspended on a related death proved more difficult to
c.... .1/BenroseNevsos
Po9. 10: P5Cc Po,ode lhor4g). NYTPcisres (Hoisor): O Fed W chain from the ceiling. "Itcoi/dhave been mask when, a few years ago, a young man
M. . lOro)
Peg. 15: UPT/6esronr Nesspk.ios )Doss. BO(gnrne, topeo): o')
an exercise bar," says the broker. overdosed in his SoHo loft. Unfortunate-
e's.
?/Wde Wod The apartment's tabloid-generated ly, from a maximizing-property-value
Peg. 16 The BeeT?Or. A:cIcve ionoe): Piciotid Po.ode )Jocke). AP/
de Wokd )co) notoriety coupled with its condition and point of vies the man was reportedly
odd fixtures kept the price at a relative found floating in an oversize Jacuzzi in

124 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


che center ofthe apartment. Rtther than
being an asset, the custom plumbing de- STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP

terred people who might otherwise have Statement Required by che Act ot'August 12. 1970,
Section 3685, Tide 39, Uniccd States Code, show-
considered moving in. 'Having ajacuzzi
¡ng the ownership, managemen and circulation of
isn't necessarily bad, particularly if it's spy. publication number 0002-002. Dace of filing
not in the middle ofrhe living room," ex- is October 1, 1989. SPY is published monthly a
plains one of the apartment's brokers, The SPY Building. 5 Union &uare West, New
York, New York 10003. publishing 12 issues per
"But when you find out that the previous
year at an annual subscription price of $2 I .77.
tenant died of an overdose, it leaves you
wondering about what might have gone The full names and complete mailing addresses oí
the Publisher. Editor and Managing Editor are:
on in there," The apartment eventually
sold for $325,000.
According to a broker, a wildcat was
Th Publisher,Thomas L. Phillips Jr.. SPY. The SPY
Building, 5 Union &luare West, New York. New
York 10003; Editors, Kurt Andersen, E. Graydon
Carter. SPY. The SPY Building. 5 Union Square
found roaming through Broadway actor
West, New York, New York 10003; Managing
George Rose's West Village loft after he In which o:r Fear-filled hero Editor, Jill Dickcy. SPY. The SPY Building. 5
was murdered in May 1988 during a Union Square West, New York, New York 10003.
vacation in the Dominican Republic (re- î)iiist repel a flying visitor
The owner is SPY Publishing Partners, LP. The
porredly at the hands offour Dominicans mailing address is The SPY Building, 5 Union
including his teenage "adopted son" and BY ELLIS WEINER Sq uare \Xest, New York, New York 10003.
the boy's natural father). While the ani- The names and addresses of individuals owning I
mal itself was removed easily. the excre- percent or more of the total partnership are: Mrs.
ment and odor it left behind proved more Shall we talk, at last, about Fear' Robert K. Andersen, 223 North 127th Plaza,
enduring. "Rumor has it that there were Not the fear a man knows when he Omaha, NE 68154; Mrs. Mary N. Bailey, 600
Pioneer Bank Building, Chattanooga, TN 37402;
lions in there at one point," says the bro- confronts his value as a self and his fate Mr. Walter Chacham, 225 Lafayette Street, New
ker, who saw the apartment soon after as irrevocably mortal. York, NY 10012; Mr. Frederick Frelinghuysen,
Rose's murder. "The smell inside was so ow Rather the fear a man ex- 3503 N. Campbell Avenue, Tucson, AZ 85719;
periences when, after the Mr. Stephen Graham, 1560 Broadway, New York,
fetid that I had to get out. I don't know B
NY 10036; Mr. Christopher Harte, 355 Ridge
.
what his deal was, but there must have good honest toil and bad Avenue, State College, PA 16803; Mr. George
been something really wild going on." sneaky goofing-off char Kramer, 100 Park Avenue, New York. NY 10017;
The odor remains, and it took until constitute day, J. Allan Mactier, P.O. Box 12248, Omaha, NE
681 12; Mr. Mark E. Magowan, 488 Madison Ave-
tonic at 11:30, flips through 42 channels
nue, New York, NY 10022; Mr. Robert H.
of cable TV (each more meretricious Montgomery Jr., 1285 Avenue of che Americas.
than the last), settles in with a sigh and New York, NY 10019; Mr. Carl Navarre, 19 Union
hears his wife hollerholler, mind Square West, New York, NY 10003; Mr. Thomas
youfrom upstairs, "We have a bat!" L. Phillips, I 4 1 SpringScreec. Lexington, MA 02173;
Mr. Steven Schragis, 600 Madison Avenue, New
Now, for a man's wife to holler anything York, NY 10022; Mr. William H. Shearman, P.O.
so late at night, with one child sleeping Box 2893, Lake Charlea, LA 70602; Mr. Craig D.
in the adjacent room and anotherso Sutherland, 4000 Main Street, Kansas City, MO
641 1 1; Mr. Kurt Andersen, The SPY Building, 5
newborn that her Apgar score is still
Union Square West, New York. NY 10003; Mr. E.
fresh in the parental mind (9!)down Graydon Carter, The SPY Building. 5 Union Square
the hail, each of them mere feet from West, New York, NY 10003; Mr. Thomas L. Phil-
the relevant yell mechanism, means that lips Jr., The SPY Building, 5 Union Square West,
New York, NY 10003.
something is more than a little wrong.
Aver*ge No. Anual No.
A man knows in such circumstances that oíCo o(Copie o(
During SinIe issue
"We have a bat" does not mean "We Pireeding Nearest ro
possess a 32-ounce Louisville Slugger." It 12 Monrhs Filing Dote
TouI No. (.opes Printd l'.)9,996 218.000
means as he confirms when he bounds Paxi C,rulac,on
up the stairs to the second floorthat a Soles through dealers atol
carriers. srice' endoes
nervous jet-black object is winging it and co,,nrre raies 67,252 71.927
Mail Subncripcioros 61.387 65,476
last August to sell the loft. It's the sort of ickily hither and yon, swooping silently Toral Paid Circulo,ion 128.6',9 137,403

property that puts offall but the heartiest up and dipping erratically down the Free Dis,rihu,ota b) m*iI, c*rner.
or other means; sampIe,
real estate brokers. "If it's not sellable staircase from the third floor. complimentary. and ,o,hrr (ree copies 5.519 2.998
To,al i)is,ril,u,i,,n 134,158 140.401
because of an odor or blood stains or What does such a man do? Ifmy expe- (.A,p,,s Nor D,tribured
Office use. leí, oer,
adverse publiciry I stay away from it," rience is emblematic, he adopts a wary- unaccounted íoe, apoikd
says an unusually squeamish broker. In warrior, taut-coiled-spring, grown-up- alter printing
Returns (rom newsa8rnrs
4,316
61.322
2.736
71,863
other words, she's willing to leave choice ready-for-anything posture and feels Fear. I_____ __ -______________ ___j.ç_. 218,000
properties to those who aren't afraid to And begins to emit certain noises. The
. . .
1 cerrifr chat abc staccmenrs made by me above arr correct and
compiere.
sell a murder scene for a song: noises are heard whenever the bat swoops Tl,,,ma.s L Ph,llipsJr.. Publisher

Fiirnigtd rni! Scrbd tu/Is! BleachdJlrs! ) down at the man's hair before veering

NOVEMBER 1989SPY 125


away in its own batty panic. These are protected from this menace. This, for all L_II1iI I%I
noises no one in the world, or at least in its ludicrousness, is a sort ofadventure; if
the house, has ever heard. They are noises our man is not, by now, Indiana Jones,
the man hopes his son, listening with in- neither is he falling into a gin-steeped
terest in the next room, will not hear even hypnotic state in front ofone ofthree du-
now ("Isn't Daddy making funny sounds?" ferent Cheers reruns and calling it leisure.
the child's mother says brightly, to play Then comes the inspiration ofthe eve-
down the incident and thereby, with luck, ning: under the attractive kilim rugs that
spare the youth some permanently scar- adorn the stairway landings are antiskid
ring psychological trauma.) They are un- mats made ola light, rubbery mesh. Like
transliteratable into English; "spasmodic a hero, the man pushes aside a rug and
stuttering grunts" will have to suffice. grabs one. The bat swoops in; the man
The bat's jkree-skrees are authentic- makes to float the net in a manner corn- In the eighties, Honest Abe and
sounding, and the miracle outs biological parable to that of South Seas fishermen,
sonar is miraculous, but let us address its in an airy, drifting billow. Instead, it FDR are a couple of wooden nickels
manner of motion. No lusty, muscular hangs together and sort ofslaps down on
exercise ofclean, well-feathered wings for his leg. But the ante has been raised: obe-
this benighted creature: the bat does not dient to some mysterious chiropteran
BY ROY BLOUNT JR.
fly so much as flutter its flaccid, leathery, impulse, the bat decides to go downstairs.
webbed arms and fail to fall. Its move- Large and cavernous are the rooms The other day I saw a teenager literally
ment is to a bird's as a tumbleweed's is to downstairsand dark, The man must, throw away 36 cents. He and his father
that big scary medicine-ball-from-the- with maximum dignity, paw at light were waiting at an elevator. He tossed the
sea's on The Prisoner: switches and stare wildly from room to coins into an ashtray
The bat. The noises. The Fear. Sooner room until there: in the den, about eight T E U N
on the wall, he pushed
or later the man collects what remains of feet up, invading the very domain where .

s
the button that causes
his wits and realizes that he can act. He not 40 minutes before cocktails and sit- L E the little floor in the
remembers from childhood history that corns were to have reigned in happy stu- ashtray to flip over and
pidiry, the bat circles, Thc man tries to dump the dreck out of sight, and then
anticipate its path and hold out the make- he stood there. The father cried incredu-
shift net in its way. Fool! As ifNature had lously, "You just threw away money!"
not endowed this animal with 10 million The son, in turn, found his father's in-
f our man is not Indiana Jones. years' genetic preparation for just such a credulity hard to believe, Thirty-six cents?"
snare! The result is a bolt of terror, All change is chump change now. Giv-
perhaps to the bat but certainly to the ing it to the homeless is a nice idea, but
neither is he in a hypnotic state man, as the beast swerves right at him, a while back I proffered a disconsolate-
prompting a reprise of, . . the noise. looking woman a handful of nickels and
infront o/a Cheers rerun The man shrinks back. The bat flies pennies and she said, "Honey, you have a
into the living room, circles perfuncto- nice face, I hope you have a nice day, but
rily, then darts into The Playroom, sanc- I can't use these;' and handed them back.
and calling it leisure turn sanctorum of the boy (the violation So why don't we do away with pennies,
of which is an outrage!) but also contig- nickels and dimeslet merchants round
uous, via double glass doors, with the everything off to the nearest quarter?
the weapon ofchoice in confronting the deck, and outside, where all the rest of the Granted, it would mean seeing less of Lin-
domestic bat is the tennis racket. There bats on earth live. In that instant, resolv- coln,Jefferson and Roosevelt.
are two squash rackets in the boy's room! ing to effect not the bat's death but its These presidents stand for meaningful
He strides in, mumbles some incanta- escape, does the man sense some deep, change. Broad, progressive change. The
tion meant to reassure ('Nothing. Go almost prehistoric common bond with the sort of change that people were forever
back to sleep") and finds the rackets. creature? Not really Instead, he wrenches calling for in the late sixties and early
Their grips are dry, solid, businesslike. open a door, slaps back the screen and seventies. In the eighties, megabucks
But their squash-scale faces are simply too pauses. As though the two of them had make coins seem something less than
puny to compensate for the contradictions rehearsed it for weeks, the bat imme- petty, and political change is reduced to
in the man's strategy as, in confronting the diately veers out of orbit and shoots clock-back-turning.
bat, he attempts both to attack it and run through the gap into the inky vastness. So what should I do about it? Move to
away from it at the same time. Ifbeing a grown-up means doing what Russia or China? No. I believe my place
Still, adrenaline is on the move, This one has to do, and ifdiscovering a bat in is here, on the puzzle page. A crossword
intruder is not the Count from Sesame the house means one has to get rid of it, can't bring back the pretty penny, the
Street. Nor is it Bela Lugosi, with whom then the above-cited man was a grown- two-bit crook, the five-and-dime or the
one could at least have a conversation. A up. And that grown-up was me. New Frontier, but it can run change
wife, a son, a newborn babe, are to be Next month: "We have a groundhog!") through changes. lt can also coin a word.
126 SPY NOVEMBER 1989
The word this puzzle has coined, and
now gives away, is 4 Across: technornob.
ACROSS
A mob is a crowd that is getting ugly.
1. British mother all
But a technomob is not a mob in the
streets. It is a mob addressed through, wrapped up in
and therefore created by, modern tech-
preservation. (5)
nology: just about any given media audi-
ence today. (Present company excepted.) 4. (See essay.) (9)
Media audiences (as we are inured to 9. Being shut up, assorted
hearing) are inured to viewing every-
thing that might stir a street mob to lucre's got number-one
action. Rioting, injustice, starvation,
backing. (9)
mass murder, toxic euiluvia, kidnapping,
barefaced lying, wholesale graft, an 10. Born in present
American ship shooting down a civilian
condition of
airliner- all this brought to us by corpo-
rations that have paid serious money for foundation. (5)
the right to dramatize their interests as
u. One crazy god in
they please, for instance by showing us
B. B. King reduced to yum-yumming blue. (6)
over cruddy hamburgers (in return, pre- turns into changeable 8. Mob so disturbed by
12. Max in addict
sumably, fOr what is now perceived as
every American icons appropriate price: chamber. (8) lizard. (9) what we'd all like to
an enormous piece ofchange). A mob in Played with base Billy return to. (5)
4. Vehicle surrounded 29.
the streets is out to change something,
somehow, demonstrably. But that's nickel- by, for example, Cox played, local fans 13. Flatland sandhill
and-dime stuff. A technomob is involved takes in a homely Jane's
messy slime pursues said. (5)
others 5. (10) mate. (5,5)
16. Bonehead, it's eight to
DOWN 15. Native corn
the dollar. (4) 1. Quality ofone who redeveloped in a
19. Ooze gradually gives no quarter, though camera. (9)
makes water the ocher crimeless, sort of. (9) 17. Pioneer weapon
way. (4) 2. Winter morning rises, junkie. (9)
20. Surviving wife hit blinded by spray. (5) 18. Sticks to the same
hard by tiny donation- 3. Up-and-coming get old ways, messing

all she had. (6,4) old at early time of with Tunisia, right?
22. Come together with life. (5,3) (2,2,1,3)

killing ofchange? (8) 4. Rich women and a 21. Busy, I've set after
23. Oddly learnt point of dime are. (4) whats done. (6)
- .; I I

half a buck? (6) 5. Negative account 22. Commanding


in a higher economy. A technomob is 26. Changed, I'm changing dollars to yen(l0) officer sounds like
into crying out (by means of a poi1, or
technosampling) for an anti-flag-burning missing in action in 6. Unimportant person J agger and Jackie
amendment to the Constitution, although may have mind and soul, Mason. (5)
city that's seen lots of
there is no flag fire in sight; but more im-
portant, a technomob is primed to de- change. (5) but that's all. (6) 24. Dr. Timothy sounds
mand enough ola stake in the established He changed Italy a lot wary. (5)
27. Disturb at eternal 7.
order to be able to afford all those prod-
ucts (including public officials) that un- switch. (9) by manipulating sums in 25. Rising balls
derwrite the technology involved. 28. Civil engineer eating oil. (9) astound. (4)
This puzzle sez: All change is chump
change now. meat before Christmas The answers to the Un-British Crossword appear on page ¡23.
yft/24f2Je/e/f1ß2j/t S9 t)IîIY

NO MANNERS, NO TASTE dressed wastrels and companionable


We've heard more than fashion designers. After kicking in an
enough grousing by the unpublicized portion ofthe expense to
overfed swells who didn't get
to ride on the &4k
Concorde but had to go in "steerage"tbat is, in
help Forbes take credit for the entirc
debacle, the natives not only had to
listen to all the guests' whining a't close range,
- -#I a chartered 747to Malcolm Forbes's $2 million .
they then had to to endure it all over again in
photo opportunity in lovely Tangier. But reports the international press. Left to right, our am-
are just starting to come in from the Moroc- bassadors of goodwill having a wonderful
canswho, it seems, are even more irate time: (1) deposed first walker Jerry Zipkin;
,'- than the herds of airlifted CEOs, . (2) Carolyne Roehm and her tiny, overlever-
J.
___I toadying journalists, expen- sively aged husband, Henry Kravis, attempting

LAST RESORT WEAR Forbes's Moroc- cially Maxwell's East-meets-West lay.


can special friends and co-hosts were cred look). (5-7) Yes, the illustrious,
.
apparently scandalized by what their lemminglike party guests
American guests consid- much preferred the snazzy,
- ered to be appropriate at- .',' superversatileand, in
tire for the festivities. -. R,b- wrinkle-resistant Da.
. .. Bride of Franken- ,4.- , ..
cron,packab/e!resort
steinhaired Liz
-

: wardrobe of stewardess-
- Taylor, for ex- f .
crazed Gannett
ample, (1) tried ç,
,
: Foundation chair-
.
IhtO blend in by camouflaging man Al Neuharth.
herself in a regular parade .' (8) All except for
of centlike caftans. (2) With O -
Barry Diller, that is:
her personal photographer making the scene
and bantam couturier-flunky ' poolside with fashion
- Scaasi in to Gayfryd Stein- wife Kelly Klein, the
berg modeled what appears Fox chairman evidently
to be a blouse made of Eliz- thought to himself, ¡fi: works
beth Taylor's belt. When the CEOs for her naybe it'll workfor me, and
o weren't amusing themselves by telling one
- -
proceeded to try to make his tightly
-
planned to pull advertis- fitting T-shirt into a midriff-baring ar-
Ing from Forbes in favor rangement just like Mrs. Klein's. (Sens-
of Fortune or Business Week, ing that he had not achieved the
they were entertained desired effect, Diller made the face
by British media tyrant
Robert Maxwell (3, 4),
whose getups vied with
that got him through the weekend
the same face he made while protesting
his dinner seating assignment and
p - o

Miss Taylor's in terms when he, along with Daily News gossip
of sheer yardage and in columnist Billy Norwich, refused to
trying to approximate budge from the first.class seat he
the local style (note espe- usurped on the return flight.) 't
129 SPY 1989 NOVEMBER
air. the in leg goose-fleshed spindly, a waved and shrieked she hams!"
WI!- Esther "I'm antics. attention-getting Roehm's dejected the by back
lured be to only retreated, photographers the picture?' last the be please
this "Can't paparazzi, ofwading gauntlet a to whined Roehm After hide.
gowns couture revealing most the even that sockets bone protruding
off show to opportunity an have to thrilled were Steinberg On' Shoes
-
My Putting I'm if Even Anytime Photo a for Pose "I'll Gayfryd and
Roehm Carolyne beauties bathing Alien LJVE!a BIRTH AT SEPARATED
table!" her at sit to us wants Walters Barbara
leaving' we're "Joy,Joy, wife, his to screaming back,
rushed then momentarily, left had Reej Landers,
Ann and Greenberg Ace CEO Stearns Bear, with
table a at seated while evening, the in earlier that
reports news, social the writes who Grace Mr. tie
lit- Tangier, in correspondent Spy's Stallone. vester
Syl- to got once he close how of tale a with Scaasi
and Steinberg Gayfryd charms apparently bin
Phil- Regis Table-hopping SURVIVORS' STRIVERS,
impersonator. Nielsen Brigitte
handy a with then and Forbes) host thoughtful that by (hired
dancer belly local a with native go feet her letting anthropology,
situ in some in engaged Love Iris vulture foreign-culture while, .ìf ..
S
Mean- fez. Texas-brimmed modified with complete pose, Oasis"
4
the at "Midnight fetching a in Adelson, Mery look-alike Hound
Huckleberry to up cuddling is she Here did. Smith Liz gossipist
grizzled self-righteous what just that's native, ofgoing Speaking
:'
Oper. to pretending (here Duller Barry :r
fun! the all have people
Some atJFK). tarmac the on ,
guy bikerpower hunky pelgänger, ' -
dumped fulpeopWsluggage dop- Hollywood Forbes's (7) look);
beauti- of piles the among no-makeup fresh-as-a-daisy that ¡ng
bags her for looking (here Bloomingdale (sport- Brown Gurley Helen (6) atJFK); noffdelay
Betsy widow merry turned wife ering take- two-hour the during (here Nancy stick-insect-wife, his and
long-suf- (10) and Taylor; This!' Do Me Kissinger Henry impersonator Buchwald Art (5) Jacocca; Lee
Made Malcolm Believe Cant "I Liz tion, buff slacks Sansabelt large-pored (4) Cohen; Claudia in-America
artrac- sideshow party's the (9) Lebowitz; richest-wife- and gossipeuse TV unflappable (3) movie; forTV
Fran conversationalist professional (8)
_____ mad AgathaChristie
Wenner); Jann biker-publisher-editor
boyish preternaturally with camera a ate ' ofrwo imitation their
o
L--
iii» IFVII%l SIF-L.F
f. ..

,'

-'.
: i

1ff trh- _ .

,
,#
TQí if
h
.\i4/j
i
U'1Çii . (i

ii 1/

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'
' '
I

:'

I-I 'V I i: y w u-i % Li F Ft I%l 1


were little. getting to school meant wa/king 15 tizi/ei in the freezing cold. Or so they claimed. in our New, improved New York, j'o; II really have
something to tell your kids. The experimental nitro-burning school buses (each fitted with the NASA-designed Child Transport Expedition lip-
paratus) will get you to school in what seems like seconds and keep start-and-stop gridlock to a minimum . Le s based on the old-fashioned steam-
train method ofpicking ;p mailbags. Only instead ofihe US. Mail being hooked along the route, its city kids. Just make sure your mom doesni
buy you a bus harness a size or two too big to row into. Didn't yoí hear the story about the kid who had to wear his big brotheri harness?
When the bus came barreling down Lex at 65 miles an hotu; it hooked the poor little gi and stripped hi,n like an ear offresh corn. )

130 SPY NOVEMBER 1989


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h t
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+ 21øøØ
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212-555-4567
AND EVERY PROSPECT 78cl East 65th St
Aor triien t 4E
AT THE PUSH OF New York, NY
A BUTFON... 18021
L ke rie'.' 1ues
IPC CONNECTION

WED JUN ¿7, 1990


DAILY UPDATES
OF MY PERSONAL Gold UF 1/2
Silver Down 1/4
PORTFOLIO... Nt-eat U 3/8
Pork bellies
tie In i ,8

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