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a Racisi


September 1991 Volume S Number 10


Neil t

Big ¡bing?

Dinkins Nailefi
Ill 1,081

Soi Shoebrl

L. Ron Huöharö

vs. Will Street


*2 9h C .4 4f; U.K i
George mugo FOX Over the Edge Plagiarìsffl AGOGO


-Vi . -iL


ç 1



September 1991 Contents

Information on page 81.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS ...................

George Bush: one glandular sensation. Paul
and Ringo. Gorillas in OUt midst. Ralph Kramdendimwit, or go-go financ
Plus: North Korea's Roger Ebert ........................................ Q
PARTY PooP .........................

Louisiana, long renowned for its colorIti! (read: .Icazy) politics,
may very well end up with l)avid Duke as its governor this fall. ANDREA Ri-
DER has prepared a dossier of the American Hitters private life: his dalliance

._,-......;. ,with a stripper, his relations with gay Nazis, his miscegenational-porno
. collection, his involvement in a private Caribbean invasion .......... Q
ií4 AIMÉE BELL tracked down every one of the people whose weddings
: were announced in the Ti,mc one Sunday 20 years ago; ANN HODGMAN waxes philosophi-
cal on the establishment and bdl-bottomed bridalwar


Three dorky Scientologist brothers have amassed a fortune short-selling stocks.
DEIRDRE F,NNiN(; reports they may he headed for a fall ...................... Q
. Not just anyone can be a cosmetologistor a dog groomer or ce-
mason. HENRYALFORDt00k 31 vocational examsand qualified

to bccome Henry Altord, certified psychic! .... . i


I .

DAvID HANDELMAN chronicles the con-

,t ;-:= - -, p,

cocting and hyping of New York's $15 million "event"

::::;;:ai restaurant, Planet Hollywood ................ Q ,


LAUREEN HOBBS on Dan's new handler in The Webs East;

l3}NNEI MARco on Fox in The Webs West; J. J. HIINSF.CKER on career-crippling plagiarism in
The Times; (:n. URAI)Y on the feud at l)isney in The Industry; Guy HAMILTON on what David
1)inkins (liii for IOVC letters in Tammany Hall ........................................
HUMPHREY GREDDON goes philheikne in Review of Reviewers; Roy
BI.OUNTJR. on Life in These 50 Confederated U.S. Jurisdictions ............. Q
. Loyal amanuensis GEoRGE KALoGLRAKis transcribes George Bush on the thyroid
thing and a new campaign slogan ....................................
spy (ISSN 0890.1759) is publiched monthly. x.ep January ¡in,I July. 0 1991 by SI'Y Corporation. The SPY Building. 5 Union Squr
West. New York. N. Y. IO(X)3. Submiccions: Send wit), svl(.addrcssed siampeci rnvelope to same ¿iddress. For ¿dvcrcisinK SI(ç call 212-633-
6550. Second-class poscge paid ¿t New York. N. Y-. and additional maiIin othces. Annual subsripiion raies: Uiiiird States anti possessions.
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subscriislion inlormation. call I -800- 4 i i-8 I 28. a Member. Audit Bureau of Circulations. Cnaila CIST Regiscraiicn Number R I 291)2 I 093.
How to pack for the weekend.

1. '.


C 1989 Joseph E. Seagram & Sons. w York. NY. Bleided Canadian Whky. 40% AVo1. (80 PrOof).
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reaches new depths.

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o The '91 Swatch Scuba
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I I I t1 I-t .-.

American working people. This was beíre
the phrase working acquired its modern
)nnoration as a self-justifying synonym for
/1/ iiup/easa#it Caucasians (as in "The work i ng
nrnunity won't stand for it!") tu use againSt
ng plans, shameless homosexui!itv or mod-
days, even among the no-longer-all-that-Jib-
f labor-bashing is almost obligatory: we all
' y about do-nothing Teamsters or I 5 0,000-
a-year union videotape editors. And while nobody wants
crummier streets or parks, or employees' lives disrupted, is
laying oW 1 1 500 of New York's 363,000 municipal workers
really so catastrophic These may be the last righteous union-

ctÌHgIy, ianor Day

ists in Americathey were gua;'anteed
well-paying, air-conditioned, no-braitier
jobs for life, damn it, and won't stand for
any breach of that covenant! Yet in our
experience, the Parking Violations Bureau
staff, for exampleespecially the over-
weight woman who works Thursday
mornings at the Brooklyn towed-car
depotcould actually ,'iaud a few layoffs.
4tr' But, of course, most nonunion workers are rcated likt

scum. Full-scale class varfare would be inconveniiit. hut who

among us wouldn't enjoy a few violent worker uprisingsa
shOW trial for the people who run McKinsey & Company,
Larry Tisch's head on a pike, IBM's John Akers forced into
.) Or, more plausibly, Swifry Lazar, the Ilolly-
od bars? Motoring down his Beverly Hills
to make a lunch date at Le Dome, Swifty
" It 'vas absurd," he said later. "a slight mat-
ng. In Washington, highly placed peo-
so fTUCh to physical violence (though C;.
ly now says he once sought White House au-
to murder columnist Jack Anderson) as to
ayal. Trying to shuck off blame for his free
corporate jets, John Sununu, t he most hated
D.C. since Liddv's bosses Haldiìì«m and Ehr-
lichman, said wasn't his fault. it was ab-


surd, a slight matter, a White House Where was the uproar, for in- apparen t I y turned abusive, threaten-
thinga screwup. he claimed, by his stance, when the presidents son was ing to have the band barred from
scheduler, a woman named Jackie kicked out of Denver tennis tour- Washington. "I dont think I was
Kennedy. (Sununu and Kennedy both nament this summer for cheating? angry," Kasich said uncertainly to
contain two ,is and three vowels; Su- The U.S. Tennis Association ranks The Vashing:on Post. Perhaps if he
riunii and JFK both attended college Neil at 5.5, but lie signed up to hadnt just attended a Dead concert.
in (;ambridge, Massachusetts. JFK play in the 4.5 category. (lt was, lied have been composed enough to
had just one son, named John. John needless to say, absurd, a slight mat- provide a more unequivocal sound
Sununu. . .John, son, ¡mo. Does Oli- ter, a country-club thing.) Several biteli Wá5 absurd. a slight PF/alteS: a
ver Stone know all this?) weeks later, Neil started a new career backstage thing.
For most of the summcr, Presi- as a TV sports According to U.S. journalism reg-
dent Bushlike a dog, almost un- lt seems that all ulations, of
bearably loyaldeclined to ask prominent baby- course, it takes
Sununu to resign, or to ask Dan boomer Republi- three instances of
Q uayle to step aside in 1992, or to cans are, when a trend to prove
ask Gordon Liddy to liquidate his pressed, assholes. its existence, and
son Neil. Neil is to George almost Ohio congressman it helps if theyre
exactly as Billy Carter was to Jim- John Ka.sich, a 39- geographically
my: Billy was the living caricature year-old Rpubli- disparate. Weve
of the ne'er-do-weIl southern-red- can, chummed got a D.C., a
neck schemer trading on his broth- around with coun- Denyer-any-
ers stature; Neil. the living carica- try singer Dwight thing in, say,
turc of the neer-do-well WASP- Yoakam during a sotitherri Cali-
twit schemer trading on Dad's. Un- D.C. gig this summer with the forma' At a Malibu party for George
fortunately, Neilwho now has his Grateful Dead. When Kasich tried Bush given by the fishy movie pro-
own legal-defense fund organized by and failed to clamber onstage with ducer Jerry Weintraub, Jon Bon Jovi
a former Republican congressman the Deadwhere are dangerously was asked by a reporter if he was a
isnt getting nearly the relentless hopped-up Hells Angels security Republican. "Yeah,' the singer of
press razzing that Billy got. cordons when you need them?he Bad Medicine replied, Im main-
stream. ' Thats right, ¡he Bush-Kauich dressing in a rubber vulva suit is nor- Mosher, the director of the Lincoln
Principle u'orku in reverse loo: all cele- mally engaged in to communicate an Center Theater, has it down pat: "1
brated young assholes are, when idea, especially in Canada. like Rocco [Landesman. a fellow 40-
pressed. Republicans. Strippers and producers of mov- ish Broadway producer who'd said
\Vitlì his appointment of CIar- ies like We're Ta/king Vulva go to Mosher had sold our), but h&s a liar
ence Thomas, the divorced former court to insist that theyre creative and a bad producer. '
pothead, Bush forged an extraordi- artists. Writers and producers at %2 like George Bush. but heSs a liar
nary new coalition: Thomas is sup- NBC News have gone to court to and a bad presidezt. Hey, this feels
ported by Tawana Brawley's radical argue that they're brainless clerks, pretty good! Perhaps the transfor-
lawyer Vernon Mason and by Nazi! and thus deserve overtime pay, since marive national mood that Bush
Kiansman turned Republican David federal law exempts "artistic" pro- promised has arrived. For instance, a
Duke. How hopeful, how 1990sin fessionals from overtime provisions. new New York State law bans the
one stroke we've achieved consensus "It's not brain surgery and it's not sale or possession of food in con tain-
between black racist lunatics and painting Mona Lisas," says Jack ers shaped like firearms. (Of course.
white racist lunatics. Freeman, a Nightly Neu, writer. the sale or possession o firearms
Antonin Scaliathe stupidest "We are just not creative artists." shaped like food and of firearms
current Supreme Court justice? Maybe this is the self-deprecation shaped like firearms remains per-
voted with the majority recently to decade. ' I'm lazy, sloppy and disor- fectly legal.) And New Yorks high-
uphold local bans on nude dancing. ganized." fashion designer Karl est court has ruled that grandpar-
It wasnt a free-expressior' 1SSj, he Lagerfeld said recently. "There's a ents can sue to force their children
explained, since "nudity i Ubi nor- lot of banality in life, so we make to let them visit the grandchil-
malls' engaged in for the purpose of clothes a little banal too." Its now drentalk about absurd, a slight
tommunicating an idea or emotion." considered polite only to promote matter, a household thingeven if
What would Scalia say about the others hyperbolically. 'John Gotti." the grandchildren are healthy and
new Canadian movie Were Ta/king says his sometime lawyer, Bruce happy and the grandparents are
Vu/va, "a hilarious 5-minute feminist Cutler, is loped more thaìi else overbearing creeps. And so the
romp" starring a woman "dressed in in the cit;.." And even if we despise nineties dream is coming true:
a rubber vulva suit and hightop someone, we must find a way to ex- kindness and gentleness, strictly en-
sneakers' Because were pretty sure press our loathing warrnl . Greg forced. whether 'ou like ir or not.
TOP TEN REASONS0 start outdoor
10. You suddenly remember the last stream you saw was on a bottle of BEER

9. Big fat guy at gym started wearing ZEBRA SKIN TIGHTS.

8. No HOT DOG vendors on trail.

7. Less likely to run into people you owe MONEY to.

6. Few FOREST CREATURES have cellular phones.

5. Thumper's zany sense of HUMOR.

4. No BAUHAUS architecture in nature

3. Deer Doo ¡s smaller than DOG DOO.

2. After one hour on STAIRCLIMBER you're still on the same floor.

1. The new AIR MOWABB outdoor shoe from Nike.

The Air Mowabb is an excellent shoe for running on trails, riding mountain bikes,
climbing hills, jumping streams or sprinting away from bears
lt also iooks kind of cool, Especiaiiy when you wear it with ACG, All Conditions Gear.




Kurt Andersen E. Graydon Carter

rC1)ft1flJ this
Gerald L. Taylor
issue's profllc of the
. .1 short-sel I ing Fesh-
bach brothers, DEIR-
ÖX'hi!c"Id be talking to DRE FANNING discov-
cred tim special joy of
Susan Morrison

B. W. Honeycutt
working for spy.
Jamie Malanowski
one of the Feshbachs, and then an- NATIONAL WI :u*
other would sneak into the room LorraIne Cademartori
and say, Hi, Deirdre, I'm sfrying on George Kalogerakis
" she says. "Then they'd fall on pji
James Collipos Joanne Gruher David Kamp
the floor giggling. Fanning has had SSNX» Di'»
Harriet larovick
more sober reporting experiences for i IIWI (II RILSI ASCII

The New York TiFfles and Forbes.

- AIMEE BELLS under- Nicki Gostin Matthew Weingarden

1 4rnS 'lloro visiAsclies I OP5 I IIII
. raking for this issue Marion Rosenfeld
tracking down people Carter Burden Daniel Carter
;.?-., -
whose weddings were ASShTA%T ART OlKK1IJP
John Brodie Michael Hainey
announced in the S EPOS T' vs

-- _J Times one Sunday 20 Ted Heller Wendell Smith Wendi Williams

Piloso iL5E 55. lIESS

years ago, then persuading said peo- Aimee Bell

pie to talk at length to a complete Nian Fish Frank Koughan
stranger about their personal lives ((SLTPiilTJNG rAsillosi EDITOR SISI..v( II

Paul Elio Andrea Lockett Gregory Villepique

was not without its rewards. "I got COPY ASS15TAP1'

invitations to Vail and the (;aie," Cathy Clarke Barbara Hofrenning

Denise Meenan Bill Wilson

Bell says, "and one divorcé asked me Walter Monheit Laurie Rosenwald
ifi could fix him up with someone." Deborah Michel (Los Angeles) Andrea Rider (Washington)

Karen Cho Meg Cohen Robinson Everett Linda Sue Farber Susan Homer David Hyatt
ANN HODGMAN, whose Haiti Karisson Timothy Long Jonathan Napack Maureen Shelly Laura Spivak Sam Whitehead
essay accompanies
INtl 55.5.

I Bells story, lost her

b chance to have her Andy Aaron, Henry Alford, Sara Barrett, Harry Benson, Barry Blitt, Roy Blount Jr., Celia Brady.
ç:.t' __j nounced
own nuptials an-
in the Times
John Connolly, Edward Jay Epstein. Bruce Feirstein, Drew Friedman, Tad Friend, Fred Goodman,
Humphrey Greddon, Steven Guarnaccia, Bruce Handy, Tony Hendra, Lynn Hieschberg, Laureen Hobbs,
Ann Hodgman, J. J. Hunsecker. Howard Kaplan, Melik Kaylan, Mark Lasswell, Susan Lehman,
Natasha Lessnik, Guy Martin, Patty Marx, Patrick McMullan, Mark O'Donnell, David Owen,
thanks to the 1978 New York City C. F. Payne, Joe Queenan, Stese Radlauer, Paul Rudnick, Luc Sante, Harry Shearer, Randall Short, Paul
Slansky, Richard Stengel, Tod Stiles, Taki, James Traub, Rachel Urquhart, Ellis Weiner, Philip Weiss,
newspaper strike. "We only got an- Anne Williamson, Ned Zeman and Edward Zuckerman, among others
nounced in the Rochester papers," she CO'P.JIlt '.5. IL

says, her disgust evident. Hodg-

man's childrens book My Babysitter Elaine Alimenti
Is Vampire was published by Pock-
(I sns'oRris!sic; MAXAC.ER

et Books this summer. Adam Dolgins


Patty Nasey
Michael Collins Hilary Van Klseck
fesses that after years Gerry Kreger (Los Angeles, 213.933-7211)
of receiving press re- ADVERTISING SALES SEPSEAFS s . I

Geoffrey Reiss
leases by the truck- GFNERAI MANAi,EE

load from the publi- m Randall Stanton

Jeffery Stevens
cist Bobby Zarem, "it Gina Duclayan Kristen Rayner
was nice to finally write about one s OPfl(:I MANADIR
Jeffrey Estilo
Ellen Rosenthal
of his various exciting projects' " - 'a bOoeKSSrsR ,Ir)VISTTSi-S. SSSLSTANT

Weridi Carlock Michael Lioscomb Kristall Richardson

specifically, the megahyped Planet s. '.. a ti' .HIN(. AS.Si,1AXII

Hollywood restaurant. A contribut- a Oleg Boqomolniy Colin Brown

Richard Kanar

ing editor at Rolling Stone, Handel- s DesinsrType

man has also written for GQ and The
New York Times Magazine.)


.... :,


\ .


T I M E P I I: C Í s


Froiii thi SPY MiIrooiii
Letters to SPY

The typed, single-spaced letter ply explaining the small-market begin-

was sent to several members of our Haro oiles, Haril Chulcu nings of Vince McMahon and the Wei-
staff. "Dear Sir," it began, 'I am What's wrong with Walter Mon- ders. in the second, for God sake, it was
writing to you to express my concern heitlM? Too much sun at Cannes Snyder's remark you took exception to,
regarding the hiring policies of the Too many hors d'oeuvres at the and n'e obviously inc/tided it only because
Canadian banks ...... Copa? Of four films reviewed in the it revealed something about his characie,:
Well, we thoug/itthe redesign J une Blurb-o-Mat, he found only one This is gay-bashing?
might bring us a new audience, but worthy of Oscar's consideration. I re-
we hadn't really bargained on this. alize even the major studios release a
And, yes, it does raise some subpar film now and then, but if I Three Mooseketeers
interesting questions. In thinking of vant jaded cynicism about the enter- Excellent! Your Mittycsquc "When
spy all along as a New Yorkbased tainment industry, I'll read Pre,niere. Disney Ran America: A Speculative
national magazine of journalism and History of the Near Future" [by
On a more cheerful note, I greatly
satire, have we perhaps defined enjoyed the bodybuilding article J amie Malanowski, June) was not as
ourselves too narrowly? What if we ["Pimping Iron," by Irvin Much- far removed from potential reality as
were to take up the cause of, say, nick, June). Were the piece a film, some might think.
disgruntled teller-position applicants 000f! spy, make room for another set A /exander Clemens
in Saskatchewanwould that be such of glistening bronzed muscles on San Francisco, California
a terrible thing? Oh, we've heard your mantelOscar! (If WalterTM
those complaintsthe ones that say isn't going to be Walterml...) The clever "When Disney Ran Amer-
spy is anti-this and anti-that without A. C. Wiliment ica bears a strong resemblance to a
being pro-anything. We've heard Ridgeu'ood, Newfrrsey short story in the book Free Agents,
them, but have we really listened? by Max Apple. In Apple's story, Tai-
Could the inspiration for an exciting It gives one pause when a magazine wan, realizing it cannot compete
experiment in advocacy journalism, that has been described as on the with China, leases itself to Disney
spy-style, lie within the personnel cutting edge of contemporary social and is turned into a giant amuse-
department of some remote financial consciousness feels that homosexuali- ment park. True, your article was
institution north of the 49th Parallel? ty makes for acceptable smear mate- funnier, but Apple's was first by
Maybe so. And if we ever begin to rial as well as a surefire knee-slapper about seven years.
feel that it does, we'll be sure to read for its readers. Muchnick tars his Paul Angles
the rest of the letter. subjects with such pathetic insinua- Los Angeles. California
spy's ubiquitous messengercritic- tions as "The magazines...appealed Confirmation that the ideaconcocted
at-large, Walter Monheit, continues primarily to consumers ofgay porn." independentlyis a sensible one. There 's
to branch out. Alfred A. Knopf Then he cites an obscure study that even a third example: in The '80s: A
recently mailed him an advance copy spinelessly alleges that between 40 Look Back. by Tony Hendra, Disney
of The Actual Adventures of Michael and 75 percent of Venice Beach inerge.c with the U.K. to become the Unit-
Missing, a quasi-autobiography by bodybuilders support themselves by ed Magic Kingdom.
Michael Hickins. The book's May 15 homosexual prostitution and "other
publication date makes blurbing forms of hustling." A .30-'06, although well suited to
somewhat beside the pont now, but I could take solace in the delusion killing humans, would make a dan-
just in case there proves to be any that this was a freak aberration, but gerous and impractical bird gun.
paperback action down the line, the same issue finds Adam Begley Only Robocop could hit a flying
Monheit decided to weigh in with a trashing Dick Snyder by declaring pheasant with a rifle, and a .30-'06
few thoughts. As he adjusted his that a former girlfriend of his next slug makes a golfball- to softball-size
lampshade preparatory to stepping had an affair with another woman hole that would destroy most of the
out one summer evening, Walter ["A Taste of His Own Medicine"). meat. Gun-conscious Secret Service
tossed this testimonial over a well- Lloyd V Reihl agents would have picked up on
tailored shoulder (not his own): San Francisco, Calzfo'nia Quayle's imbecility (or sneakiness)
"Missing may be Hickins, but Hickins We weren 't being judgmental, ju.rt infor- and supplied him with the proper
won't be missing from the National ,naih'e. in the first instance, we were sim- 20- or 12-gauge shotgun loaded

Book Award committee's shortest of
shortlists corne judgment day! Ooof!"

Walter has his detractors, of

course. 'What was it about Monheit
that sounded familiar?" writes Harriet
w. Hamilton of Chelsea, Michigan.
Then I rememberedhis niovie
reviews are like those of Liz Smith
from the early 1970s in
Cosmopolitanalways positive and
predictable. L quit reading Liz's
reviews back then because of that."
Hamilton's letter reminds us of
another we've received. "I want to
point out an error in the April issue,"
writes M. Elaine Mar of Somerville,
Massachusetts. "In From the SPY
Mailroom you refer to Erasmus of
Rotterdam as 'Of Rotterdam.' Now,
SPY, you should realize that 'Erasmus'

is the proper name, and 'of Rotterdam'

only descriptive....Get my point?"
Not all the mail was troni the
astonishingly credulous. David
D'Antonio writes from
Quetzaltenanqo, Guatemala, to ask
how many of him there arethat is,
how many sv subscribers there are in
Guatemala. (D'Antonio also mentions
riubbins, but we will ignore that, as
we have ignored all nubbins
references lately, even the one from
Anne Norcia of Waynesville, Ohio,
who went so far as to enclose a
NUBBINS ENCLOSED rubber stamp but
enclosed no actual nubbins.) In any
event, there was one sv subscriber in
GuatemalaDavid D'Antoniountil he
moved to Santa Cruz. The position is
now open.
To the Reader's Digest lawyers:
We're sorry. When we called Roy
Blount's column "Life in These
United States," we meant it as
Izon;aqe. The name of the column lias
been changed, effective this issue.

It's happened beforethe

name Jason de Menil may mean
something to a few of youand it will
happen again. The pattern is familiar:
a series of smart-alecky letters to the
editor, followed by a silence, followed
byin effect--a résumé. In Ron
Jacobs's case, it wasn't a résumé
exactly, but an unsolicited manuscript
for us to consider. May we recap the

\ .

: .n
steps Honolulu Ron took to guarantee
a receptive audience at spy? In the
June 1989 Letters section. you will
finn Ron incorrectly pointing out a
nice ftick-tip for a magazine that
lists a chief of research on its
masthead," defending Doti Ho. calling
New York a 'dungheap," and then
signing off with something rude in
Hawaiian. Same section, March 1990:
Ron is hack with allegations of
"another nice ftick-up" (mostly wrong
again) and takes the opportunity to
call one of our articles "terminally
pointless'' and our response to his
previous letter a 'dismal riposte."
Then we sign off in Hawaiian. This
brings us to April 1991 and the
' mildly acerbic and guaranteed
inforriiative" unsolicited manUscript
from Ron, sonic 1,800 words on how
to pack for a trip to Hawaii. This, in
turn. is followed in May by another
unsolicited Jacobs manuscript
probably fiction, apparently fact-
based aun utterly inappropriate.
(Although we did like the phrase
"flashed frames of erotic visions.")
Given the things Jacobs has said
aboLit LIS in the past, we could best
exact our revenge by publishing him.
BUt we're above that sort of pettiness.

This from Hugh Fink, Robert

ELDO Hirsh arid Richard Lariiprier of L.A.:
"A party was being held in director-
RADO prodticer Stanley Krarîier's honor, arid,
of course, reporters were on the scene
PETIT soaking uî the enlightened words of
our country's most beloved celebrities.
One of those invited, Gerald
Catalan cuisine in the true spirit of Barcelona
McRaneyTV's 'Major Dadwas
asked which of Kramer's films really
Lunch Tapas Pre-Theater Prix Fixe Dinner stood out for him. His reply, after
several seconds of hesitant gushing,
Eldorado Petit was, 'Oh, there's s0000 many...froni
47 West 55th Street Vr. Strange/ove ori up .......
And there are s0000 many Patricia
(between 5th & 6th Avenues)
Highsmith mysteries we enjoy from
New York The Maltese Falco,, on up. Highsmith
actually the author of the novel upon
for reservations which Hitchcock based Sfra,,gers on a
212/586 4260 Train and a "faithful reader" to
boothas sent us, of all things, a
Private rooms and parties "Separated at Birth?" suggestion
frani her home in Switzerland. "Let
nie be the thousandth (probably)
person to send you this photo of

13 SPY SEIrIMtFR 1991

with bird shot.
Christopher F Swenson
Newtonville, Massachusetts
Slaughtering a pheasant with a
Sill3' Ils.
thirty-aught-six? What uv u thinking?
It serves you right.

Me'a [10ff ilislics

What a surprise to discover that
Sonny Mehta actually removed a
veiled reference to Bright Lights, Big
City from Bret Easton Ellis's terribly
important new novel ("The Rules of
Subtraction," by Jonathan Napack,
J une]. After all, he had no compunc-
tions over including "Stash" (from
lama Janowitz's Slaves of New York)
and "Jamie Conway" (the protagonist
of the film version of Bright Lights),
to say nothing of ' Francesca" and
"Skip" and passing references to "Al-
¡son Poole" (all from Jay Mclnerney's
Storyof My Life) and actress Jami
Gertz (star of the film version of
Ellis's Less Than Zero). All this, mind
you, in a novel whose lead is the
9641 Sunset Boulevard, Beverly HIlES, CA 90210 (213) 276.2251
brother of one of the main characters Direct Reservations (800) 283-8885 Cable: BEVHILL Telex: 188586 TWX 9lO49O-258O
in Ellis's awful Rules of Attraction. *%é7admfFfodsofthéT'.frfd'
A lonso Dura/de
Dallas, Texas

000iIIiye, Mr. CHIPS?

Daryl Gates and che LAPI) are a dis-
grace to the majority of the dedicat-
ed men and women across our nation
who are outstanding police officers
["The Gazpacho Gestapo," by
Michael Hainey, May]. If our politi-
cians can't find it in themselves to
use their elective power to remove
the likes of Chief Gates, then it's
high time we banded together to
remove these weak politicians.
Foster jack
Weatogue, Connecticut

oenutailou Builfiers
I very much enjoyed your profile of
Philip Johnson ["Master Philip and
the Boys," by John Brodie, May],
particularly your recounting of his
relationship with Peter Eisenman,
the bad boy of twentieth-century ar-
chitecrure. I enjoyed the dubious

staff while employed by the Wexner

Center for the Arts in Columbus, his the female staff j'I'he Webs, by Lau-
TWO first public commission.
The building is loathed by stu-
dents, who must daily walk around its
reen Hobbs, June). 1 lobbs's sugges-
tion char "many women find their
paths easier at 60 Minuter if they in-

SPOOFS 600-hot ckconstructed grid, and by

many of the people who work there
and must contend with its Alice in
dulge their boss's flirtations" is base-
less and demeans the talent and in-
tegrity of the women who work there.

ONE CITY Wonder/and detailing. Practically all

the administrative offices have win-
dows that start at shoulder level and
If they didn't sign a letter to The Neu
York 'I'inies, it doesn't mean that Don is
nor a caring and sensitive person. I was
go lo the floor. Before venturing out to told one day while at work that my
lunch, staffers crawl under their desks grandmother had suddenly died: Don
to see what tue weather's like. oflered to provide a car ro the airport
I-/ugh M. Murphy or whatever I needed (O et to Florida
Fori Lauderdale. Florida immediately. This is hardly the act of
ibazks the updateand you niighi an insensitive taskmaster.

be inierested to know that last spring. a I don't think Hobbs was really as
number of Eisenman it
employees staged a
wildcat strike. reftusing to work until
interested in writing about what
happened to Meredith Vieira as she
was in knocking (SO Minutes, an at-
they urc paid back sala,y.
tack thinly veiled in a cloak of rigli-
LOVED IT! lts time for these styleiriongers to teous feminism.
I MADONNA make room for my generation of ar- Susan Byron
chitects to come in and clean up the San F,'ancisco, (aiifornia
. pv
ROWDIEST, YET enormous neglect and the intellectu-
b,. SWEETEST al toxic spill they have created. lt's The "new" siv looks like shit.
,.,.. FARCE IN N.Y. time to place social, economic and Dr. P,'eston i'fendenhall
environmental concerns above style Aspen. Colorado
and fashion. IfJohnson wants to dis-
,; cuss reality with me, I simply don't Regarding st'Ys new format:
have anything to wear to The Four [ J Yes
Seasonsso let's make it Katz's Deli [xl Super-Fabulous Xtra Classy
323 West 44th Street
Box Ofl,ce or Cafe Orlin, okay? Charles E. Kiblinger
(21 ZL62-3333 Stezn R. Van Gorp Burlington, Verìozi
L.11 I (212) 307-4100
Washington. D.C.
Maybe Liz Smith, at the recent PEN
Mont Blanc Literary Gala [The tJsual
- Schill tir SculeIs Suspects, Junel, knew they knew she
PreparetoDie Thanks for the high school yearbook didn't belong there, and maybe she

LIZSMITH ["SPY High," May). It's a panic. figured that as a gag, they'd fixed her
'4:i A nita Per, place setting with the single Mont
Gleefully Washington. D.C. Blanc pen that didn't write properly,
Ç,f? Acting surreptitiously on that fear,
You're right. Life really is like high she sidled over to Brad Leithauser's
, school. And you know what? Man- place with the idea of securing a
agernent consultants are definitely spare. In any case, my fervent hope is
dx- hd I monitors. that spy has no plans to abandon its
PhilipJ. Franken/eid releniless observation of lier,
Chicago. illinois Robin Sutherland
San Francisco. Calijo'nia

ALL- NEW EDITION! ifiher YoIco Orner tellers ie#;rsfro,n it.c ,'eaders. Ad-

All NEW not halt-new) From 1981 to 1984, 1 sat right out- dress correspondence to SPY. The SP 'i'
THEATRE side Don I-Iewitts office as a produc- Building. 5 Union Square West, New
EAST tion secretary and broadcast associate Y,rk. N. Y 10003. Tpeu'ritten letters are
21 1 East 60th Street
- _______
BOX OFFICE at (50 Minutes. In all the time I worked preferred. Please include your daytitne tele-
212) 838-9090 (212)307-4100
there, I never witnessed sexist and un- phone nunibe,: Letters may be edited for
relent ing fi irtatious treatment toward length or clarity. J


Shirley Horn, who Ioots like you-know-
who," she writes, enclosing photos of
Horn, the jazz singer, looking for all
the world like Mick Jagger.
Kamala White of L.A. wrote us in
June about her encounter with the
dread James Toback. Perhaps you saw
the letter? Toback did. White tells us
he then made a scary phone call to
herwhich is interesting, given that I-
back in November 1988, when we
were about to publish an article about
him, Toback made scary phone calls UI
to us. Be careful of what you say,
White says Toback told her, when the
consequences could be so great. After
trying to get her to say sv had
altered her letter (None of that ever
happened!, Toback reportedly
insisted), he said that if she'd called
him before writing to us, he'd have
recommended a lobotomy or a
memory scan for her. You can't go
around treating people like that,
concluded the aggrieved,
misunderstood director.
Finally, General Norman I-
Schwarzkopf, through an
intermediary named Captain Cathy Lo
Presti, contacted sp for copies of the
February issue, in which two B REAKFAST
photographs of Schwarzkopf by sr»i
contributing editor Harry Benson LUNCH
appeared. The general wanted the
issues on the double. The general got
them. He also got the May issue,
which he evidently hadn't yet seen
and for whose cover he didn't exactly PASTRY
pose. No word yet on what he thought
of it, but, just in case, we've
instructed the security guard to keep
an eye out for a bulky, crew-cutted CATERI NG
fellow dressed a bit like a doorman
and armed, possibly, with a large PRIVATE PARTIES

In August's "Town and Country," we
omitted full credit for a photograph;
David Graham's Shrinerat Veterans
Day Parade appears in his new book,
Only in America: Some Unexpected
Scenery, published by Knopf. And in 22 EAST STREET
May's "Master Philip and the Boys," ÑY NY 10003
we understated the cost of Peter
Eisenman's Wexner Center for the 2 1 2366 414

Arts at Ohio State University; it cost

$43 million to build.


'I'he flifies


The plagiarism scandal that forced a Boston ship with Times managing editor
University dean to resign his title has touched offa remark- and heir apparent Joseph Lelyveld,
the plagiarism flub is strike three.
able ripple effect throughout newspaper journalism's North- Strike one was his incorrect report
east Corridor, leaving imperiled careers and scraps of shattered in the summer of 1987 that a re-
credibility in its wake. tired CIA oficial was going to link
You'll recall that H. Joachim Maitre, the dean of BU's College Major General Richard Secord to an
of Communication, was nailed this summer for borrowing signicant imprisoned arms smuggler in his
portions of his spring commencement addresswithout giving any testimony during the Iran-contra
creditfrom a scholarly paper by, of all people. Michael Medved, investigation, a mistake that re-
PBS's scrawny nudnik oía film cnt- quired the Times to publish one of
ic. The Boston Globe was first in re- appeared, however, the Post became the few front-page, above-the-fold
porting the controversy, publishing entangled in its own plagiarism corrections in its history. Needless
an account of Maitre's faux pas on mess, after it was revealed that its to say, the paper of record doesn't
J uly 2. l'be ri#es picked up the Miami-bureau chief, Laura Parker, like to have to do that sort of thing.
story a day later, cursorily crediting had relied too heavily on a series of Strike two was his inflammatory ar-
the (lobe's piece and printing side- Miami Herald articles in her own re- tick last spring in which he named
by-side excerpts from Maitre's port on Florida's infestation by mos- Willie Smith's alleged rape victim
speech and Medved's treatise. Linde qiiîoes and grasshoppers. and smeared her by reporting that
more than a week later, in what may The Timc, but vindictive, she had "a wild streak."
have been the most embarrassing was only too happy to While Butterfield dangles in
Editors' Note in ages, the Times squeeze an unbylined ac- limbothe Times suspend-
confessed that its piece on the pla- count of Parker's dis- ed him for a week shortly
giarism scandal, by Boston corre- missal into its late cdi- after his plagiarism was
spondent l:ox Butterfield, liad in don on July 14, two d iscovered - R oger
fact been, well,/ilagiarized. days after the publica- Cohen, who brought in-
"Besides the quotations from Mr. tion of Kurtz's story. telligence and savvy to
Maitre's speech, the Ti,nei article in- Meanwhile, for Fox the Times's book-industry
cluded a passage of five paragraphs Buttenfexcuse me, I coverage, is about to move
that closely resembled live para- just noticed that four on. Last spring he ac-
graphs in the (,Iobe article," the Edi- - cepted, with Italian
paragraphs ago, where de- i

tors' Note said. "The passage in- tail the contents of the Times's journalist Claudio Gatti,
volved comparisons of the same sets Editors' Note, I am improper- a reported $ 50,000
of quotations from the disputed ly dependent on I?ogrr
offer from Farrar,
texts. While the Tiznes piece re- Kurtz's piece; in Straus & Giroux
flected "independent investigation" fact, I have ap- to write a quick-
""Z h, R. ,rr,,4I-1 rh
LLI &L %1 ie biography
&#y For Butterfield, a longtime friend
note said, it was improperly depen- his paragraphs of Norman
dent on theG/obeaccount." verbatim. Not of managing editor Lelyveld's, the Schwartkopi.
1'he Washington Post, recognizing only that, but plagiarism flub is strike three liad
a golden opportunity to twit its tnis sanie )OKC rioped trie i ¡,,ie
competitor to the north, followed was used in Neuc- would give him
the i',nies self-immolating clari- week and 'ihe Neu Republic not loi a month off to write the book bekrc
fication with its own report on tiic ago. I admit my mistakes, apol- lie headed off' to Jerusalem to assume
controversy by Howard Kurrz, the ogize profusely and hope that Joel Brinkley's old title as that city's
Poils media reporter. Kurtz's piece spy's ombudsmen remember my bureau chief. But in typically ac-
disclosed that the Times's hand was years of dutiful service and other- corn rnodat i ng Times style, Lelyveld,
forced when two readers sent in let- wise pristine record. with executive editor Max Frankel's
ters pointing out the similarities be- Meanwhile, for Fox Butterficld, support, told Cohen to choose one or
tween the Globe and Th,ie.ç articles. who lias bug been protected from the other, the book project or the
The very day that Kurtz's story staff criticism by his close friend- J erusalern assign ment . Cohen chose

the book, and will instead become
the Times's Paris-based economics
Cohen played a crucial role in
the extraordinary brouhaha pro-
yoked by the publication of Jacob
Weisberg's tough, entertaining cri-
tique of the book industry in The
Neu' Re/mb/ic. As Weisberg has him-
self noted, details of the scores of
outraged letters sent to TN!? by au-
thors and agents arrived at the
Times's offices before the letters H.iippv oi:ut AFTER i I P.M.
themselves arrived at TNR's oflices.
Armed with these epistolary testa- *.

ments to the book worlds astound- PRIN FIXI: MEI

i ng th in-ski nued ness, Cohen wrote
an anti-Weisberg news article that -4-.

said, "The arguments in the DINEn SERI F» i I(II I

piece. . . were not bolstered by the Lticu NIODA il) Iiiii t
fact that it included two conspicu-
ous errors. " One error was the mis- .

spelling of the title of Milan Kun- Avatilal,Ie for privat. ri

dera's novel Immortality, and the
Call Walter at 212/929.1630
other was the misidentification of
Ken Auletta's new book by its old,
working titlechicken feed in
comparison with daily Times edito- 231 Variek Street, NYC (1 lhI tt.rtli of Honton Street) 212/929.1630
rial boners.
Before he finished his reporting,
Cohen called Weisberg for a corn-
ment. At the end of his telephone
interview with the writer, Cohen
cupped his hand over the phone and
said to someone nearby, Do you
want to talk, Judy?" Now, who
could that Judy have possibly been?
Judy Carne? Judy Garland? Or per-
haps the much-traveled Judy Miller,
deposed deputy media czar and
Cohen's former boss? The Judy
Miller whose former editor at Simon
& Schuster is Alice Mayhew, one of
the two book-industry mandarins
nlleted in Weisberg's piece, and
oiw Hemingway Room can accommodate groups
ftoni 25 lo 150
whose boyfriendand future editor, The restaurant can be reserved ft)r parties of 250-500
possiblyis Random House editori- persons.
al director Jason Epstein, the other We offer complete party planning services, menu.
bigwig skewered? Whichever Judy theme. music and entertainment.
it was, the rallied heroically to
the defense of Mayhew and Epstein. For further information contact
Finally, this from a Times caption NANCY VEGA (BANQUET MANAGER
for a photograph of Rosa Parks at (212) 582-8700
152 West 52nd Street
the dedication o the National Civil
New York. NY 10019
Rights Museum in Memphis: "The
museum be finished by Aug. 3 1 .'
:1. J. Hiinsecker
The Indlistlly

DisDe Has Struck 011f


Kl iefer and Julia are kaputthat's oid newsbut things. Davis became sensitized to
have you heard about Mike and Sparky? A year ago it such fine shadings ofcharacter after
reading, in a Fortune article by Dan
seemed they'd be 2-gether 4-ever, but Disney chairman-for-
. . . . . ,, Seligman, about a recent survey that
life Michael Eisner and studio president Jeffrey Sparky Katzen-

found that apart from gangsters,

berg are now reportedly at odds. So much so that it s conceivable businessmen make up the majority
Katzenberg may someday leave the Mouse to head up another of television murderers. Hrnmm.
studio. Unthinkable, you're saying to yourself, but consider: Martin For the number crunchers among
and Lewis and even Hitler and Mussolini eventually parted ways. you, our Bruce Willis Industrial
At the heart of Eisner and Katzenberg's falling-out is, of course, Index, inaugurated here three years
Disney's continuing streak of duds, ago, has thus far followed the trajec-
the most recent being The Rocketeer enjoying a run of good favor thanks tory of your typical bell curve. For
(great look, weak plot) and Vi. War- to the reviews accorded The Doctor, Die Hard he earned $5 million, then
shawski. Though the studio's TV starring William Hurt. The movie he worked up to a high of around
arm continues to do welleleven of won't shatter any box office records, $ I O million per picture, and our cur-
its series are slated for prime-time but its prestige means a lot to Disney rent reading for future projects has
runs this fallEisner sees the film at a time when the studio can't afford him back down in, oh, the mid-
division's recent failures as evidence any more failures, financial or critical. sevcn-figures. At Warners there is in-
that Katzenberg is doing an made- On the subject ofpossibly endan- creasing worry that by Christ-
quate job running things. And gered careers, Paramount produc- mas, Willis will have gone
that's made Big Mike very touchy. tion president Gary Lucchesi, three (or three with all-time
At an in-house screening earlier this the Frank Mancusoera hold- hall-of-fame bombs: The
over who championed
' j

year of Hollywood Pictures's War- ) C Bonfire ofihe Vanitie.c, Hildion

.chawski, Eisner stormed out of the and developed Regard- . Hawk and The Last Boy
room, saying the film was garbage. ing Henty, may soon go \ Scout. The latter is said
Looking to cut his losses, he ordered the way of Mancuso. to be so awful, so full of
the number of cuts on the sound- The film's lukewarm gratuitous violence and
track reduced and the film's market- reviews and weak box Bruce smugness, that in-
ing campaign scaled back. office are enough to siders have dubbed it
Such criticism is a new challenge make any studio execu- $ Hudson Hawk 2. Willis,
for Katzenberg, but introspection- cive unhappy, but Par- who believes the press
free robo-executive that he is, Sparky amount Communica- has it out for him, is telling friends
has not sulked. Instead, he has no dons chairman Mar- he's going ro take a year off to re-
doubt plunged into his work at an tin Davis was so
consider his life.
even more maddening speed, setting incensed by the And finally,
up 6:30 breakfast meetings where film that he rhis:John Camp-
7:30 ones used to do, installing extra called his new . . bell, the school-
. . At a screening of Warshawski,
lines in his car phone, ordering the
. . .

studio boss, Stan- teacher who was

cleaners to put an even sharper ley Jaffe, and Eisner stormed out of the the basis for Rob-
crease in his blue jeans, and so forth. said he wanted . . in Williams's

And Hollywood Pictures president


the head orr who- room, saying it was garbage character in Dead
R icardo "El Groovo" Mestres, a man ever was respon- Poets Society, was
with legitimate worries about job sible for green-lighting it. Oddly sacked this summer. That makes .

security, has instructed his associates enough, the bottom-line-obsessed him the second real person por-
to watch and wait: Warshawski, he Davis wasn't as upset about the mov- trayed on film by Williams-Au'ak-
says, will vindicate me. ie's meager returns as he was about enings doctor Oliver Sacks was the
While Mestres (like Eisner and the fact that Harrison Ford's early first-to lose his job.
Katzenberg, a child of Manhattan's self in the filman arrogant, blood- Adrian Cronauer: as soon as you
Upper East Side) prays for redemp- less, moneyed Upper East Siderwas finish Xeroxing your résumé, join
tion, his likable archrival, Touch- depicted in such a way as to make me Monday night at Mortons.
stone president David Hoberman, is audiences believe those were negative Celia Brady
i I, - i -


. t I(

______ ,-
t -
_ _II
'\ :'-


': I

A. a\




The Webs East

Cronkife...Halher... 11411?

The new executive producerofTheCBS the embattled anchorman continues

Evening News is Erik Sorensonan intelligent, easygoing to encourage the belief that he
sort who, in the words of a colleague, "has read one too might soon be leaving the Evening
" Neu's. Before taking three weeks'
many self-help books. Before his elevation, Sorenson spent a vacation this summer, Rather
year and a half as executive producer of CBS This Morning; he sought out the counsel of several
began his career at the CBS affiliate in Chicago, where he worked trusted old friends. The question he
for the man he calls his godfather, current CBS News president Eric asked over and over was whether he
Ober. Sorenson was at KCBS in Los Angeles for several years, but now should do the honorable thing and
he has joined Ober in New York, and the two old friends lead the simply walk away from the anchor
News division. Sorenson's mission: chair (his $3-million-a-year con-
to salvage the Evening New's, a pro- he instructed a researcher to "pull tract runs through 1994), or wait to
gram that is slipping in and out of Martha's big-mouth commercial." be dragged kicking and screaming
third place in the ratings and whose To be fair, let's point out that this by CBS. Rather may have a place co
star has become a very expensive wasn't foreign news. gothe talk at CBS is that the
problem. Still, Sorenson had his reasons for huge Japanese broadcast company
At first, people at CBS worried hiring the fellow. What Berman NHK is starting a global CNN
that Sorenson was just another vet- lacks in his knowledge of geography knockoff and that it might try to
eran of big-city happy-talk news. and modern dance he more than hire Rather-san. Given the Japanese
His taste for a soft-shouldered Cen- makes up for in his love of fishing corporate penchant for buying
wry City look did not allay these
fears, and his decision to refer to the
a l)time also enjoyed by the
broadcast's anchorman, ,
I,, brand names at top price,
is woutci make sense.
CEO of CBS as Larry the Liquidator Dan Rather, who has Sorenson worked
didn't suggest that he was overbur- drafted him as a . .- with Paula Zahn at
dened with tact and seriousness. new angling corn- -. CBS This Morn-
Many ofhis staffalso predicted that panion. Imagine lug, so specula-
Sorenson was merely a "sofry" who wading knee- non grows that
would stress visual pizzazz, pre- deep in the Bat- she will join the
packaged segments and Dan-w-cor- ten Kill, the long ;. Evening f\Tews in
respondent cross talk. When he hours of silence .
,.. some capacity.
told The Washington Post in June punctuated only by d Zahn has one
that one of his first orders of husi- Rather's hoary Texas thing going for her,
ness would be to develop "better aphorisms or shouts of i .,t leastthe network
over-the,.-shoulder and full-screen 'Courage!" at the has been aggres-
graphics for Dan," those skeptics first strike of a sively stressing
enjoyed the satisfaction of knowing brown trout, and looks over sub-
.4,,, I,._1
15IL. £JI' stance when it
The huge Japanese broadcast
Considering Sorenson s local- comes into focus. comes to which
news background, CBS insiders Traditionally, the company NHK may correspondents
figured foreign coverage might role of being get airtirne.
suffer, but one of his first additions 'Itatner
' ' ' '

s oDliga-
try to hire Dan .'' l)St sum-
I fiS

was a new foreign-news senior pro- tory playmate mer, for exam-
ducer, Al Berman. Berman is now fell to the executive producer, yet pie, two of the Evening News's bet-
known around the newsroom as "the Sorenson seems little interested in ter female on-air talents, one a vet-
senior producer who needs a map to that aspect of the job. When asked eran war correspondent and the
find Washington." He did not by an associate his reasons for hir- other a star Washington political
his best foot forward when he ing his new quick-casting senior reporter, were pushed off the
learned of Martha Graham's death producer, he quipped, Why do you broadcast because they did not
last spring. Having obviously con- think i hired him? So i don't have to meet the new standard of foxiness
fused the choreographer with former gojishing with Dan. for hard-news reporters.
Polident spokesmodel Martha Raye, And speaking of going fishing, - Laureen Hobbs






I. I

-- -Th$

1Amc i'ci ivz

Tho Webs West

¡he [iffle Network ihal CooI've

Dine at the Fox commissary and get more than something that, as one producer put
just a typical cheap studio mealhave your calories counted it, "can't be compared to an episode
of The i\'fary Tyler Moore Show. ' "Its
for you too! Arranged according to caloric content (salads on
weird," says a writer on one of Fox's
the left, Twinkies on the right), the menu is yet another manifes- smarter comedies, "I get the feeling
tation of Fox chairman Barry Diller's totalitarian management they're embarrassed by their hit
style. The calorie concept was his brainchild; the company joke is showsMarried With Children, In
that "Barry's even managed to ruin lunch." Living Color. " When the networks
A generous reading of recent events at the spunky Fox Broadcasting goofily parodic Chris Elliott vehicle
Companydwindling ratings and advertising for erstwhile top-ten Get a Life wanted to do a bit with
Elliott's character "keyed" into a
ised national newscastwould be Color's violent Homey the Clown.) black-and-white I 940s urban back-
that the house that Murdoch built is Fox's fall lineupfiltered through a drop, Fox executives were con-
still recovering from the disman- barrage of focus-group and other cerned that viewers wouldn't remem-
ding of its once-formidable Sunday market tests by an ever-more-pow- ber the 1940s. And Get a Life has
night. Producer Jim Brooks still erful audience-research depart- now been "slightly revised": instead
hasn't forgiven Diller for moving mentlooks no more or less inane of being a quasi-psychotic 30-year-
The Simpsons to Thursdays opposite than anyone else's. See the cast of old paperboy who still lives at
Cosby, a slot in which it never at- Broadway's The Piano Lesson in Roc, a home, Chris will get a real job, his
tracted the audience Fox had pre- sitcom about a happy-go-lucky gar- own apartment and a girlfriend.
dicted. Fox thereby managed to lose bageman! Feel the Bungee- Doesn't this utterly compromise
both a very bankable TV producer jumping excitement of the the show's subversive, anti-
and a very bankable movie director: adventure-reality show sitcom premise? No,
Brooks now has a hefty package The Ultimate Challenge! Chemin venturesit's
deal with Columbia for movies and And watch in amaze- - -. really just a comedy
television, and his Grownups debuts ment as Dabney Cole- about a Iella with a
' '
on ABC next month. And when man's talents are
Simpsons executive producer Sam Si-
monwho to the bitter end fought
futilely and publicly to persuade
squandered Shut Up,
Kids, a well-conceived but
abysmally executed sitcom '
%. i ;fr.
Ï just as good at 'We
Diller ro move the show back to about a white-collar crimi- _/ / :' \ want to do something
Sundays this fallstepped back nal doing community-ser- - j
different, but we want
from the show to become an execu- vice time in a grade school. .- to do it in the same old
tive producer at Brooks's Gracie Somebody 'ç,_., an.)
way' as every-
Films, it clinched the end ola year- the likable enter- body else," says
long power struggle between Simon tainment presi- another writer.
and the cartoons creator, Matt dent Peter Cher-
People are afraid to work
How is Fox
Groening. nm, say, or his responding to
Despite commendable break- largely irrelevant for Diller , who may be deep advertiser
throughs (The Sirnpsons, Trace)' Uil- underling, devel- the mod el for Homer skepticism and
?nan, In Living Color) and a $50 mil- opment vice ho n e y m oo n - i s -
lion profit that will surely embarrass dent Paul "Stu- Simpson's Iboss, Mr. Burns over antipathy
the red-ink-plagued CBS and likely pid" Stupinmay from the press? .g
NBC as well, Fox is still routinely have to go down for these and other By handing out plum programming
dismissed as the "fledgling fourth questionable decisions (remember jobs to publicists. The former head
network" and blamed for the de- Babes?). Edge has long been Fox's of Fox's notoriously erratic PR de-
dine of Western civilization. (A buzzword, but many of the meddle- partment, Brad Turell, has been
ten-year-old arrested for hitting an some suits who program the net- placed in charge of network spe-
old lady over the head with a sand- work tend to get anxious when ac- cials, an extraordinary responsibili-
filled sock in Central Park told po- tually confronted with it; they're ty for a career flack whose most ob-
lice he was just copying In Living confused by any show trying to do vious skills are driving expensive
German cars and daring spectacu-
larly blond women.
Equally perplexing is the rehir-
¡ng of Garth Ancier, in a nebulous
"entrepreneurial business relation-
ship" that comes with no title and
a vague development/production
mandate. Fox's first head pro-
grammer back in 1986, Diller's
disarming prodigal son lias proved
a master at distancing himself
from his failures. Behind his per-
petually closed door at NBC's
short-lived debacle Sìvnday Best
earlier this year, Ancier was al-
ready working the Fox deal and
boasting that he'd be jumping net-
works "any day now."
After two staff purges and con-
cept overhauls, the executive-pro-
ducership of Fox's Personalities be-
came the most otkrcd and least de- 496 Ninth Ave 37/38th 967-7850
sirable in town, since Diller would
be micromanaging the show no
matter who was allegedly in charge. RESTAURANT
Former Los Angeles Times reporter
Bill Knoedelseder is the latest to
place himself under Barry's thumb,
and the show has been renamed
ED], a contrived acronym for Enter-
tainment Daily Joi.'rnal to be pro-
nounceduh-oh"edge. " (Personal-
itiesIEDJ, syndicated by Fox's
Special dining rooms for parties of I 2 to 65 persons.
Twentieth Television division, has Kitchen and staff to cater affairs in your home or office.
been encouraged to cover shows on
the sister networkduring the
three-month tenure of Knoedel-
seder's predecessor, Mark Toney, at
least three puff pieces ran about In
Living Color and its increasingly ar-

rogant producer-star-auteur, Keen-

an Ivory Wayans.)
One explanation given to ac-
count for Fox's weak executive
b('flh is that people are afraid to
work for the brilliant but high-
strung Diller (not to mention Ru-
pert Murdoch, who has now moved
to the West Coast to oversee his
Hollywood empire). 1f, as insiders
have whispered, Diller is the model
for Homer Simpson's Dickensian
boss, Mr. Burns, then who at the
company most resembles Mr.
Burns's simpering yes-man,
Smithers? " Everyone else," says a Fox
, inmate. Bennet Marco

Talllmaily Hail

DiokiAs, Kalikow, [ove [effers, Heal Estafe: Di Somehoy lleI?


D uring this time of economic difficulty, many had a reputation for womanizing,
New Yorkers are suffering, including Mayor David Dinkins, one that has been discussed private-
l l by City Hall insiders but never
who is overwhelmed D iiscal proDlems, ana Peter KaliKow,
. I I

. . documented.
the real estate developer and owner of the Post, whose empire is People from the campaign say
foundering on a billion dollars of debt. It's too bad these two that once Dinkins heard that the
civic leaders can't give each other a hand. After all, SPY has learned, letters were in che Post's hands, he
they managed to secretly help each other once before. asked Harold Ickes, a labor lawyer
In September 1989, after beating Ed Koch in the Democratic prima- and longtime Kennedy operative
ry, Dinkins had as much as a 34 percent lead over Rudolph Giuliani who was then counsel to the Dinkins
in the polls, and it was widely as- campaign, to contact Peter Kai-
sumed that he would win the keys tive, Giuliani's operatives were ikow's public-relations point man,
to Gracie Mansion by about a 10- confident they had the right man Marty McLaughlin. The two han-
point margin. But as Election Day to expose Dinkins's supposed indis- died the delicate negotiations be-
approached, Dinkins's lead shrank, cretions. tween the camps. What was agreed
dwindling to single digits during After receiving the letters, Dick- to may never be known, but the let-
the final days of the campaign. In er took them to Bill Lynch, Din- ters never appeared in the Post.
the end, he won by just 2 percent. kins's campaign manager, for corn- Ofcourse, there are other reasons
He was lucky to win at ail. As ment. Lynch, having never seen the why the Post may have passed on
the campaign reached its climax, letters and not wishing to have ex- the story. The letters' relevance to
Dinkins was in danger of becoming pressions of amazement attributed Dinkins's suitability to govern is
embroiled in a nasty scandal involv- to him in the Post, offered no com- arguable. Jerry Nachman, the cdi-
ing alleged marital infidelities, ment. Instead, he promptly tracked tor of the Post, today maintains that
which could easily have cost him down Andrew Cuomo, the gover- it was impossible to verify the let-
the election. Herein lies the tale of nor's son and a Dinkins adviser, and ters' authenticity and says the paper
how that scandal was averted. the two of them headed for the was never close to printing them.
According to Dinkins-campaign presidential suite of the Sheraton Finally, the paper had to have been
advisers and reporters who covered Centre, where Dinkins was living, worried about appearing racist by
the election, a set of purloined love apart from his wife of 39 years, dur- raising this issue. "We told them
letters written to Dinkins by sever- ing the final weeks of the cam- they'd have a race riot on their hands
al women while he was Manhattan paign. lt was late at night, and ifthey printed the letters," a Dinkins
borough president fell into the Dinkins, having just showered, met adviser told sPY. But even if KaI-
hands of the Giuiiani campaign. his advisers in his bathrobe. At the ikow wasn't eager to print them, he
The source was thought to have last moment Lynch, embarrassed to must have seen that the Dinkins
been a disgruntled secretary in talk about such a personal matter camp thought he might, and that
Dinkins's office who'd been denied with his boss, foisted the job on he could benefit by agreeing not to.
a raise and reportedly had a sister Cuomo, who had met Dinkins only So: was there a deal? Suspicious
on Giuliani's staff. Why Dinkins a few times before. minds point to Dinkins's coopera-
kept such personal correspondence According to a number of those don in Kalikow's efforts to build a
on file in his office is curious, but who have heard Cuomo describe the luxury high rise on the Upper East
people who saw the letters say each encounter, Dinkins emphatically de- Side as evidence that some kind of
bore the stamp of the borough nied knowing anything about the accommodation was reached.
president and the time and date it letters. But then Cuomo handed At the time of the election, the
was received. him copies. The mayor-to-be report- tenants of the City and Suburban
Someone in the Giuliani camp edly stiffened, tightened the bath- Homes, a 14-building residential
insiders believe it was consultant robe about his throat and said, complex on East 79th Street, were
Roger Ailespassed the letters to "Okay, what can we do?" Other peo- seeking landmark status for the
Fred Dicker, a reporter at the Post, ple who know Dinkins say he has structures to prevent Kalikow from
about ten days before the election. never explicitly confirmed that these demolishing them. Kalikow had
In Dicker, the paper's Albany-bu- letters came from women who had bought the buildings in 1985 for
reau chief and a political conserva- been lovers his. But Dinkins has $43 million with the intention of
razing them and then putting up borough president doesn 'r really punctilious mayor called Kalikow
four expensive high rises on the care what happens in another bor- and assured the developer he'd sup-
site. In the face of considerable op- ough and is happy to side with the port his compromise if Kalikow
position, Kalikow amended his mayor in exchange for future con- needed his votes. On Monday he
plans and proposed demolishing siderat ions. called again. He assured Kalikow
only the four buildings nearest the In the case of Kalikow's City and that the four outer-borough presi-
East River; Ofl that land he would Suburban homes, Mayor Dinkins dents had committed their support
erect a luxury tower perhaps 80 sto- looked to be the crucial player. KaI- for the compromise, and said that
ries h igh . Preservation ists opposed ikow was confident of the two votes since the developer now liad a
this compromise and pursued the of his good friend Stein. Holtz- majoritythose four votes plus
landmark designation, which if ob- man's position was unknown, but it Stein's twoDinkins planned to
tamed would effectively kill KaI- was thought she'd follow the vote against the compromise, thus
ikow's scheme. mayor's lead. Of the borough presi- maintaining his credentials with
Hundreds of millions of dollars dents, only Manhattan's Ruth Mes- liberals and preservationists. And
were at stake, and through most of singer was definitely against KaI- that's what happened: the compro-
1989, Kalikow spcnt lavishly to ikow and in favor ofgranting com- mise passed, 6-5. Longtime ob-
hire lawyers and PR consultants plete landmark status. The other servers of city government can
and historians to prepare the argu- four had indicated they'd consider hardly remember another case in
ments that would be made before the one-high-rise compromise that which the Board went against the
the Landmarks Preservation Corn- Kalikow liad pushed. wishes of both the mayor and the
mission that the tenements didnt Dinkins, while borough presi- president of the affected borough.
deserve special protection. But ac- dent, liad supported landniarking The mayor's waiting game did not
cording to a source close to the KaI- the site. But after he becarn niayor, go unnoticed. "1 thought lie was
ikow team, that formal effort and after Kalikow's paper had de- late and cautious in how he threw
seemed less urgent after the dcc- cided not to publish the story on his weight in on the issue," said
tion. Five months later, in April, his love letters, lie Borough President
the Landmarks commission ruled became less forth- Messi nger.
against Kalikow and gave the entire right, and refused "That's what
City and Suburban complex land- to say how he'd makes it so per-
mark status. However, the commis- cast his two votes. fect," said one po-
sion's ruling still had to be ap- A month before litical insider. "In
proved by the Board of Estimate, the Board's vote, the end the mayor
which, until the Charter revision, the Times reported didn't have to vote
was the citys ultimate authority. that aides to Din- with Kalikow."
Strangely enough, Kalikow's man kins "noted that (Kalikow, by thc
Marty McLaughlin appeared cheer- he has said he fa- way, commentinz
ful after the defeat. " Don't worry," vors designating through a spokes-
he confided to colleagues, "we'll fix at least part of the man, said lie
it at the Board of Estimate." complex as a hadn't "partici-
While reversals of the Land- landmark yet Prier. i%,,/;. IT),zid pated in the cdi-
marks commission's decisions were has not ruled - tonal process."
not unheard of, they were rare. out building on Ickes said he'd
Winning at the Board was a matter part of it." A nasty scandal involving never heard of
of building coalitions and being Before the alleged marital infidelities the letters. Dick-
able to count. To pass something, vote, Kalikow er said he
you needed six votes. Three mcm- recruited a new might have cost wouldn't corn-
bers of the Boardthe mayor, the lobbyist: Din- Dinkins the election ment. Dinkins
City Council president (who was kins's counsel, did not respond
Andrew Stein) and the city comp- Harold Ickes, the labor lawyer with to a request for an interview.
troller (who was Elizabeth Holtz- limited real estate experience who Cuomo and Lynch did not return
man)had two votes apiece. The was the mayor's go-between with calls.) In the end, both Dinkins and
: other members, the five borough the Kalikow camp on the matter of Kalikow got what they wanted.
presidents, had one vote each. In the letters, According to public However, with the city in crisis and
! practice, mayors had been able to records, Ickes would earn $35,000 with Kalikow facing bankruptcy,
govern because they had enormous for lobbying on Kalikow's behalf. neither l'rize is worth what it ap-
power to trade for the votes of the spy has learned that on August peared to be in the final days of the
E borough presidents. Generally, one 17. the Friday before the vote, the i 980s. Gut Hamilton
i \ i/ k E? o' !
Th Usii

How does socialite-novelist treated to one of the most entertaining spec-

Norman Mailer keep his prose SO tacles anywherethe sight of former Rocke-
fresh, tart and provocative? feller house slave Henry Kissinger taking his
Why, by being fresh, tart an lack Lab out for a morning defecation. Since
provocative himself! Not long a w York law requires that dog feces be cleaned
at a swank Manhattan literary up immediately, many overmoneyed Manhat-
u,asfl't presided over by socialitereal estate - tanites actually pay someone else to walk the
broker Alice Mason, a tall, blond, jewelry-drip- dog. But Kissinger has found a way to have his
ping Texas-oilwife type held Mailers attention cake and eat it too: he holds the dog's leash.
the entire evening. As the cocktails and canapés a 40-ish manservant follows him,
accu ni ii I ated i n the niai Ibox-shaped author's Baggie in hand, ready to fetch the
gut, his wit grew ever more rapier-sharp. dung.
the woman repeatedly
You are .c0000 funiy,
responded to his bons mots. Yoll are
s0000Jll,my. To which Mailer cleverly It was a cool night at a fair in
replied, in a similarly mantralike re- .

the New York suburbs,

frai n , You are a staifucke: i 'ni the star. and Bobby Kennedy Jr. was
3.0/1 're the fuckeE i ,?1 the sta,: yu 're the paternally shepherd i ng a
f,cker. ...

group of boys from ride to

J ride. Waiting in line for a
on the giant slide atop a
Shortly before her guerrilla invasion of the narrow open-air staircase several
Warner Bros. lot, where she tried to terrorize stories high, Kennedy, kids iii
director Tim Burton into casting her in the se- tow, shouted to a child several
quel to Batman, jittery madwoman-actress Sean places behind him, "Just shove
Young attended a videocassette-distri butors' past! Just shoze past!" One man
convention for the purpose o' publicizing the in line, who was not identifi-
video release of her recent flop A Kiss Before Henr,v
ably a member of any political
Dying. Spotting a poster for another springtime dynasty and was holding a small child
clunker already out on videoThe liard Way, in his arms, took exception to all the pushing on
starring lier psychological-torture victim and ex- such a 1)recarious perch. He and Kennedy argued
lover James WoodsYoung bounded up to )ment, and then the kid squirted
the poster, defaced Woods's likeness with the man's legs and joined Kennedy.
a Hitler mustache and other unflattering "There," Kennedy said snidely, "that
scrawls and then skulked away, giggling wasn't so liard, was it?" "Well, it's a
like an inpatient. good lesson hr a Kennedy," the man
diot back. "Whenever you want some-
3 g, just push everybody else out of the
Every morning, early risers at River p.,. Kennedy, speaking of' the child
House, which is among New York's ul- :1 obliged his shoving orders, stam-
trafashionable apartment buildings, are "[ley, he'she's zot eve,, a Keimedy.

The F'Ìllf Pi'iiit
II te rresideot's OIaDs

Veteran observers o the presidcncy could not help but

wonder whether George Bushs hyperactive thyroid might :Can't Buy Me
have contributed to his aggressive leadership during the Gulf War. We,
meanwhile, couldn't help but wonder what would happen if any of the presi- Music-industry expert Jef-
(rey Ressner has sent along
other glands started to act up. Here are our findings.
an intriguing Paul McCart-
Gland:Piiuitary l'farlin. and tell him where to shove it" ney bootleg recording.The
Microprolactinomas 35-minute tape is from a
Symptoms: Discharge of milk from Gland: Pituitary i 987 meeting Paul and
breasts (both sexes) Disorder: Acromegaly Linda McCartney hod with
Possible consequence: Symptoms: Coarsening overgrowth of their attorneys, who happen
facial features to be her brother, John
appearances during I 992 campaign are
canceled when jresident escalates from Possible consequence: President pedrms Eastman, and her father,
Lee Eastman. The discus-
kissing babies to nursing them uncannyjoc Cocker impersonation at
sion begins with some talk
the annual Gridiron Dinner
about investment bankers
Gland: Pituitary ("I like the sound of Mor-
Disorder: C onadotropin deficiency Gland: Adrenal
gan Grenfell," says the for-
Symptoms: Testosterone production Disorder: Addison's disease
mer Beatle. "lt seems like a
ceases, causing loss of secondary sex Symptoms: Increased skin and nipple
good power base") but
characteristics ptgnie1i t1t ion
quickly turns to the long-
Possible consequences: Newsmagazines Possible consequence:President's standing legal battle that
beg i n analyzi ng pres iden t's reelection grandchildren begin referring to him was being waged by Apple
possibilities in terms of 'The Eunuch as "the big brown one" Josh Giilee Corps Ltd., owned by the
Factor"; president surviving Bea-
: journeys to Norfolk ties and Yoko
to get big SADDAM Ono, against its
BUSTER tattoo on distributor,
upper arm Capitol-EMI
Records. The
Gland: Adrenal suit, which had
Disorder: ( :tislìiiìg's begun in 1979,
disease concerned sev-
Symptoms: eral issues,
I rofou i1 among them
emotional chan:. royalty pay-
Possible ments. Much of
the following
discussion con-
When reporters
cerns ill feelings
ask presi(lent
about Richard generated by
Capitol's fa-
Gephard t 's
vored treatment
observation that of McCartney. lt
Bushs capital- seems that ¡n
gaiiis proposal was the mid- i 980s,
"unclear," Bush McCartney had
weeps, says, "l)i k, signed as a solo
Dick, where did artist with Capi-
we go wrong?," toi; as port of
then barks at his the deal, Capi-
press secretary, toI had agreed
"Send him an to pay him o
eyebrow pencil, higher royalty


f\/) C'fl
from the old Beatles albums Seteber Oateook Enchanting and
than George, Ringo or Yoko
received. That had prompt- i The NFLs regil- Alarrning Events Upcoming
ed these three to demand lar season begins. I and o! a local restaurateur
that they be reimbursedor home viewers 'Frade performing the 1-Icimlich
"equalized"by Capitol, to commence the maneuver on Ed Koch.
be on por with Paul. But autumnal pro- 15 Norm (;rosb)'
let's listen in and let the cess by which -- turns 64.
McCortney side explain. they become in- rk. 17 Campaign '92 Update
timately farnil- Corn- The Race 1ntensijes:
Lee: Let's talk about Capi-
toI. . . What are we claim-
iarwith the ad-
vertising cam-
:with-_- mingle
amiable, bearish
Stumping ¡n the South,
Arkansas governor Bill
ing? What ore they offering paigns ol Prestone, AC men in Pendleton shirts Clinton assails Paul Tson-
(to settle]? Delco, GM(; Trucks and who, upen sampling a re- gas's five-point Black-
John: Seven or 8 million Black & Decker. gional pilsner, say, Bet- footed Ferret Protection
pounds. . .and o [royalty] ter 'n sex, aint it?"
2 Wigstock, tue trans- Program as 'rhe warped
uplift. . from 80 cents a
vestite pageant that has 8 'l'wenty-fifth anniver- enviro-nonsense of a
record to $1.20.
traditionally taken place san' ofSta'r 'fteA's pre- confirmed Udaliocrat."
Lee: Now, that would be
iflthe now-closed-for-re- miere, and the first night 22 Hobbit Day, per the
enough in the United States
to cover the other Beatles. habilitation Tompkins of Rosh Hashanah. Doti- American 'Iblkien Soci-
Paul: This is what you dis-
Sq uare Park, relocates to bic holiday for Brandeis cry. Also, the first night
cussed with [George, Ringo
Union &4uare Park, more computer-science majors. ofSukkoth, the Jewish
and Yoko]. What did they often the site ola Iarmers 12 The Feast ofSan Gen- harvest festival. Second
soy to that? market. Participants make naro begins; Little Italy. double holiday of the
John: Their response was if intriguing use of unsold iburists eagerly await a month for Brandeis corn-
Paul was not going to equal- butternut squashes. gangland massacre God- puter-sci-
ize, [they weren't] going to 4 First day of the Nation- j.4'ther 111-style but are 4$r
discuss settlement. I said, al Microbrewers Confer- treated only to the sight
"One has nothing to do r
with the other. Why
don't you find out what's
in the pot before you de-
8urhM0t Capsule Sabio
cide how you want to di-
Reviews by Wafter L

vide it up?". . . A year Monheit'TM, the Movie Center is the site o! the
ago we sat down in Lon-
don, and I said, "Here
L Publicist's Friend Finishing '91 (;oiference
.irid Exposition. "Rapidly
we are, directors of STEPKIOs, starring Griffin l)unne, Margaret Whitton changing technology in
[Apple], going forward (New Line) industrial coatings is
with a case that costs us "May divorce be with you! Here's a
%11a/kr i%lonhe,t posing both opportuni-
as much in Ilegal] fees a
nuclear-family meltdown that'Il leave you glowing! The ties and challenges for
year as that income is."
custody battle for Oscar is a Dunne deal!" the finishing industry,"
Lee: Yeah, what is it
says the press release.
costing you a year? DOGFIGHT, starring River Phociìix, Lili ... aylor (Warner
We challenge the finish-
John: It was running Bros.) PP
somewhere between Wa/icr "I'd sit up and beg to learn some new
iilonheit ia
ing industry ro develop
60,000 and 75,000 tricks from the Taylorthat wags this Dog! W000f, w000f! a leather-waterproofing
[dollarsj a month. fixative that doestit
Whoa, Oscarheel, boy, heel!"
Paul: But basically you make dogs want to eat
tell them the earnings THE PRINCE OF TIDES, starrint \ 1< \Itv our shoes.
equal the [expensel. ... (Lolumbia) 29 Last day offiscal 91.
John: (But] they have %';uIu, 1foizheit %a).. "Surf's up, friends! But better hurry, Alas, at press time, the
this idea. . that you were for time and Tides wait for no manexcept a little gold- Guy Lombardo orchestra
desperate to settle it for plated feller named Oscar!" had ?loI been booked to
ome nefarious reason.... u, ¿h1 ?101ule. "ir,m; play The Walciorl-Asro-
o I said, "This is not t: p _ ¿PIt/i/NtlIy 1 Ias'lC ria this evening.)


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the case. What we're talking ) 'TIiot s Dehio AD the Dive Chis
about is common sense ......
Lee: You mean Ithey think] LA Special SPV Consumer Product Investigation
Paul is doing this for his
own selfish reasons? "Blue is Uu)st suitable as the color of interior liI. Wlw lier slick light sharp high
Paul: There's never been bright thin quick sour new and cool or low deep sweet thick dark soft slow
any doubt [they thought] I
smooth heavy old and warm: blue moves easily among them ail, and all profound-
that. l've been living with ly qualify our states ofkeling." William Gass, On Being Blue
that. lt's all just me. . . .They
Double Fresh cat litter ,4lark Leui gen- /mroa'uicts, The Dracke# Co. : 'They're dyed
feel that I'm so desperate I

to settle the Apple thing I

eral unanager Absorbent Products Group. salt crystals that help enhance the reac-
that I will go along with all AÍMCOF?: "We developed a two-part tion of the product's mai11 ingredient,
of this other stuff. system: the blue specks were developed sodium acid sulfate, to forni sulfuric
Linda: Paul is desperate to control liquid odor. and the green acid. . . .You couldn't possibly make an
like a hole in the heod.
I specks were developed to control solid efFective crystal toilet-bowl cleaner
John: Yoko is the general;

odor. They visually reinforceyou without little blue specks. The buie
she's always looking under know, the sky and the green grass and specks are part of the science and tli
the bed. But Harrison has the green trees: they rend to be fresh, aesthetics that make it click."
this idea that there's some- clean. Probably lithe whole thing were
Cheer ilarie Salz'ae/o. 3pokespe?o?/. /f) /eV
thing lurking in there that bILle or treen, people niight think it's
& Gamble Soap Sector: "The specks really
requires Paul to settle the overk i I I . react negatively.
do not serve a washing purpose. but an
Capitol-Apple case. "
Kleen Kitty cat litter Peler Boue;: market- aesrlictii
Linda: [But] Paul is willing ÇflflJ)Ø5( I

to blow up Apple.
"The b! LIC
ing manager. Superimr B rands: Clorox 2 powdered bleach aui/ì Sum//ivan.
John: And Paul, I'm sure, SPecks are clay painted with a nontoxic
ipoke.penon. 'Ihe Co. : "In this
said that to him. But. . .they vegetable-based dye which connote and
c?untry we prefer whites that are a little
don't believe it.... carry out 'time-release air fresheners.
to the blue side; the blue makes us per-
Paul: This is traditional.... They convey it by sight. The concept is ceive it as white-white. You want just a
When you play Monopoly or there. All we're trying to do is use this
tiny bit in there. lt's there for a specific
chess or whatever, you have painted clay to express this to the coli-
purpose; it's not just there because
to assume that your quote- sumer. They expect something to be
there, and so we give it to them." somebody liked blue speckles.'
unquote enemy might have
something up his sleeve. All and Surf detergents Sheyl S,nith. PR
C erts Torn Furlong. spokesperson . Warner-
Linda: Well, you know... toordumialor anl ipokeperioi, Lever Bro5. : "1
Lanibert: "They're flavor
Yoko has so much up her
beads ....... hey dissolve at a slower rare
haven't a clue what they're made
sleeve, she's bulging.
liiii the rest ofthe mint
ai . .lt's part of the formulation, and

Paul: After that meeting on its considered proprietary, and we can't

December 1 . . .1 came into Crystal Vanish toilet-bowl cleaner Scott release that information."
this meeting . . ready to blow
Weis.í. director of mnarkeung Jin bou '/-cai'e --EI/en Ro5euuihal
up Apple. Finger on the
plunger. I said, "I'm so fed
up with this companyif it
all has to go to Maggie and OUTtR INNER
the taxmon, fine." Ringo
said, "Now, come on, don't
be silly. " George said, "I
can't understand why lyou'd] mke
want to do that. You know
it'd all go to the taxman."
Linda loping George's Liv-
erptidlkir; (i( (ert1: Aye
dooril 000nr,taFind. . .

Paul: said, "You don't

think I want to send it to the
taxman, but I don't need
this grief. I'm getting on

2 SPY SF.VtiM*ER 1991



bc. Kramden and Norton quite nicely in my own of-

IheHollefíiìodners fairs, I wont a bit of quality
Goofy Losers or Unlucky Visionaries? of life. I'm ready to blow ¡t
up, and to do that, I will
Born too SOOfl, Ralph Kramdeti aud Ed Norton would have thrived in this era of withhold promotion fees. lt
personal-power gurus, cash-flow systems, franchising seminars and 900 numbers. will then be seen as a non-
Decades ahead of their rime, their harebrained schefiles would make them en- trading company. The goy-
t repreneurial dem lu rges today. - %Villia,ìz Sheftki ernment will then [whistles],
and that's itgone. lt would
be a great pity, but I'm pre-
i\f)-Wl/)/l Nutri/System Thick Crust Pizza. Weight pared to do that." Before
Watchers Pizza
L- the December 1 meeting, I
KramNors I1)'Stt1)' De/iciwi Appetizer Pâté, turkey franks, gourmet dog food said to Ringo, "No to pro-
(t/ugfoo/) - motion fees." He said...
ramNor's ¡Miracle (hair) I?dilorer Minoxidil "I'm asking for one set of

1Jed-zire .ciIt's

- Recycling for profit
DiI)i Seven, Citrus Miracle,
pocket money. I need it. I'm
your buddy." He and his
l)azzle wife pleaded personally with
me. I said, "Okay, look,
Kra,ìi/ens b,ej ha,zdynan s special. Preservation, do- i t-yourself and
p [just] one more set of pro-
L__ rent to Notions
motion fees." . . . So he said,
LR'Ph manages glass-jauwd boxer
Ralph and Edbiiy TV
-.nfomerc jais for products such
"lt's a deal. If anyone asks
you for more promotion fees
co,,,mercial time to peddle as Supersnacker and The after this, I'll be on your side
Handy Houseu'ife Helpe , Daily(rnixer) with the plunger. We'll both
a kitchen tool with push it together." I said,
"Okay, you've got it. You
Ra/pb sells story (j/)is Lyle Alzado in Sports are my friend. I hate to see
bizarre illness to magazine
-, illustrated, Joseph Hei [ers you sort of begging me and
No Laughing Matter stuff. So let's just do it."
Ralph and Ed acquire Trump Taj Mahai) And of course I don't want
(IOO?Iled ,\TezJersey hotel this adversarial position any-

_- way.. . .1 had come to that
meeting wanting one
thingI wanted Apple to be
closed down that day. And I
LgrongnOurTe capitulated and said, "Well,
all right then, look, I'll do
"It's beautifully written, witty, riveting, and the best book about achieving your goals you a deal, seeing as you
since Dale Carnegie wrote his masterpiece." are all my friends. Let's all
-Warren Bennis on Flarvey A\ÍacKay's Swim 'X"ith the Sharks
go to Capitol and try to get
"Totally intriguing, thought-stretching insights into the ciockworks of leaders." you equalized [as part of a
MacKay on Bennis's On Becoming a Leader settlement]."
Lee: If I were the lawyer to
'Without question, the niost-needed hook of the 90's. . .. Offers executives arid them, I would be glad to
managers real lifelines to success." settle.
\Varreri Bennis on Rosabeth \Ioss Kantcrs Vhen Giants Learn to Dance Paul [seething]: They're or-
rogant! They have big
'Only Warren Bennis could write a book on leadership that is so inspiring and
heads! And they're dumb!
insightful, captivating and wise, eloquent and revealing." Lee: lt's such a good
Kanter oh Beruiiiss Ou l3LYJmi?iç a Leat/tr settlement for them.
"The most important management thinker of our time." : Paul: They are dumb. They
-Warren Bcnnis on Peter Drirker's The Practice ofManagement really are arrogant. They
really think thatsomeone
"This is Warren Bennis's most important book." like Ringo
-1)ruckLr on Bennis s On Becoming a Lea er Linda: Got that on tape,
- -

sEVFEMßER ¡991 SPY i

\Í.Gi Cty
honey. ...
Tracking the Longest
the Gorilla look Steroids
Paul: I don't care.
Lee: Get thisthey Peacetime Metaphor Expansion in Modern History
each pick up the same
as Paul in the U.S. Back in the 1980s, bigger was better and more was more. If you owned a
That's 600,000 a home, it skyrocketed in value. ifyou watched TV, you traded in your 12-
year. ney must e
- inch for a 27-inch and added a few hundred cable channels. If as a
hobby you collected garish yachts and brazen hussies, you collected
Paul: They'd the most garish and brazen ones around.
rather spend that on a
So why should it have been any different with our meta-
lawsuit to get
phors? As the I)ow surged past 2,500, and Mike Milkens
nothing. As John
salary went from seven figures to the mid-nines, the rest of
said,they'd : C
us got swept expanséchic as well.
Ill) ifl David Shnk
rather spend
double that to achieve I: THE REAGAN YEARS director, Malcolm Wall of station
less. . . .Good thinking, boys. THE SKY'S THE Liiri KETA in Oklahoma City, called [The
Lee: Such madness, Linda. MacNeilILc'hrer NewsHollr] 'a 3,000-
Linda: Dad, I don't talk September 1982: "Much in the man-
pound gorilla.' " The New York rinies
anymore, it's such madness. ncr of 300-pound gorillas, exsecre-
Paul: This is very similar to taries of state can do about anything July '88: "[The gender gal)) is the two-
the preemption thing [a ref- they choose, of course.' ton [4,000-pound) gorilla of George
erence to buyouts of The Wa5hiflgtoPz Post Bush's campaign."
AppleRingo was appor- Rep. Patricia Schroeder (D-Colo.)
December '83: " 'The GOP) is like the
ently considering selling his
share of the company to on proverbial story about the 400-pound August '88: "We are not a 300-ton
Arab emir]. Ringo, who was gorilla,' [irotcster Roger Kallenhergl [600,000-poundl gorilla looking for a
holding us all up on the said. 'It sleeps where it wants.' "UP! seat in the middle of [the cable-TV]
preemption thing, did not industry." H. Laird Walker,
J uly '84: "Sometimes trouble leaps up spokesperson, U.S. West Co.
understand it. He said, in your face like a gorilla."
"You don't want me to sell September '88: "The toxic threat is
National Iau'Jo,twa/
this thing, do you?" I said, like a 1 2,000-ton [24-million-pound)
"No, no, no, if you sell it, February '85: "At the same time, gorilla. You just can't afford to ignore
you must offer it to George American Airlines, the nimble 750-
and I." He said, "Well, you pound gorilla (to United's 900-pound
it very long." Mark Henry, city
know I'd do that." I said, version), kicked off the new year with commissioner, Dayton, Ohio
"Could you say that into its 'Ultimate
' Super Saver [cam- II. A KINnEl, GENTLER NArIoN
this tape?" And Ringo said, paign).' The Washington Post AND A P1EcIPITous S1-IRINKA;E
"Yeah, but that's not what
you're after, you just don't
April '85: "There is a 1,000-pound go- August '90: "At the moment, [Larry
want me to sell, do you?" I tilla at the end of the road who says Hagmani was the 50-ton [100,000-
said, "You can sell to any heil put a v-e-t-o on anything that pound) gorilla. . the hottest actor on

bloody Arab on earth, but comes [along)." TV." Los Angeles Times
before you do, allow Rep. Thomas A. Daschle (D-S.D.)
September P90: "Bobby Bullpen, where
George and I to match his
J une '85: "Now, with the purchase of are you A i O-ton [20,000-pound) goril-
offer." He said, "Well, you Pan Am's Pacific routes and Hertz, la on the mound . . . "The Sporting News
know I'd do that!" He was
drunk by this time. . . .The
[United is) a 1,500-pound gorilla." March '9 1 : "[The UNLV basketball
Dan iel Bolian , manager of Omega
point I'm making is, Ringo team) is a two-ton [4,000-pound) go-
Travel (i n Trave/ Weekly) rilla. "
did not have. . half o finger Rick Majerus, University
on grasping that issue.... April 86: "Like the pro'erbial 2,000- ofUtah coach
Lee: If they win [legally], pound gorilla, IBM can sit anywhere it
they lose [financially]. wants to in the computer industry." April 91 : " 'I'm the 400-pound goriIla
Paul: But Lee, you're talking on defense policy, said [House Armed
Modern Office Technology
to a woman [Yoko] who Services Committee chair Les) Aspin."
thinks she can get [Len-

L- _ _ _
December '87: 'One reluctant program J_j)s A ngeles Times )
iII It
Forget OOFID: Iay ¡o

Every annoying movie-lover you the life of the But Kim is a

know takes pains to betray an easy Os, including man unafraid of
familiarity with the writings of O Jung Hwa charting his
Rafferty, Sarris, Canby and Mon- and O Jung own course. Oc-
heit. But the true cineast knows Hup") and The Flower Girl ("The casionally he defers to that other
there is a stronger, more distinctive life-story of the warm-hearted hero- great auteurist, his father (who once
voice at work in the trenches of inc Ggot Bun. . . . A masterpiece").
suggested, "Scriptwriters should be
film criticism, and it belongs co One doesn't have co look any far- efficient in their treatment of
Kim Jong Ilor, as he is more ther than the chapter headings to events, instead of just jumbling
affectionately known, Dear Corn- get a sense of this critic's extraordi- them together"), but at heart his
rade Kim Jong Il, Secretary of the nary range: "Makeup ¡s a noble aim is to make us see the cinema
Korean Workers' Party and Lode- art"; "Speed campaign is funda- indeed, the worldwith new eyes:
star of the Nation. Film enthusiastsmental to the creation of revolu- "When he views the dam of a hy-
from Bleecker Street to Berkeley tionary art and literature"; "The dreelectric power station, the cam-
cherish the son of North Korean best words are full of meaning and erarnan should not concentrate ini-
president Kirn Il Sung (and a man easy to understand." And at one tially on its magnificence."
whose very name means "One point Kim notes, as none has be- Close readers of his work are
Right Way Kim") as the boldest fore, "A person with a low level of aware of the Secretary's admiration
critical maverick since James Agee technical skill cannot make an ex- for masterworks of the North Ko-
and Manny Farber. "Each scene," cellent technician." rean cinema like When We Pick Ap-
he once wrote, "must be dramatic." His blunt outspokenness"The pies, We Are the Happiest and The
In his recently translated work, best possible usc should be made of Fate of a Self-defence Corps Man ("A
the ground-breaking On the Art of music and sound"; "A screen por- film of great significance"). But
the Cinema, the future president of trayal demands first-class filming what would the Dear Comrade
the Socialist Paradise frankly assess- techniques"won't please those make of the latest cinematic offer-
es Five Gaerrilla Brothers ("A mas- who prefer co make the worst possi- ings in the West? Herewith, a
terpiece [that] could never have ble use of music and sound and rely Kim-o-Meter appraisal of some re-
been d iscovered without studyi ng on third-class filming techniques. cent American hits. Pico lyer
Guard against "If an actor can "Conflicts should "The characteristi- -

TENETS coarseness and cru- smile or cry on re- be settled in accor- cally photogenic

N dity in facial make- quest he is merely dance with the law face is a typical
up, as well as exces- capricious" of class struggle" Korean face" KIM
FILM sive exaggeration" . _ _. -- - OMETER
Teenage Mutant Here, alas, the Bitchin', dude! Totally rad! The No problem! Comrade Oscar
Ninja Turtles li: eponymous Tur- Not a caprice in mutants are noth- Where do you should have his
The Secret oJ the ties are notorious sight. ing if not revolu- think finjas come hands full with
Ooze offenders. tionary. _J troflì? these guys!
4othing seems Disgustingly, Every struggle Sadly, and mex- No way, José
excessive in this Culkin seems to classy here! A plicably, Culkin though the direc-
exquisitely con- cry and smile on : metahor for how has nothing Kore- tor could yet prove
.--- tro!!ed master- request. one country can an about him. j himself to be Ko-
-- . .-'- defeattheworld. jrean.
NewJack Cit Word! These guys Def The so-called Fresh! The status Sure thing! This Fair enough, but
I dress down in- Method is sheer quo gets its ass is what they mean The Fate of a Self-
stead of up. madness. kicked. by Seoul Man. defence Corps Man
it isn't.
r,ahorLe hough sif- Video venté all The first law of Pfb:ly th .. ¿or thumbs up!
ter scene involves the way: Madon- class struggle: film's only weak- But Madonna?
makeup, the Ma- na (almost) never Madonna always nessthough She's no Ggot
terial Girl guards cries, and certain- wins. The Boy nothing a little Bun.
herself heroically ly not on request. Toy is the perpet- plastic surgery
against the coarse uai revolution on COU1(lIlt help.
and crude. two legs!


¡'. /


non-McCartney's publishing llave You Ever DeeD to ßa-llUM1'?

company] Northern Songs
for 5 million. . who said We don't pretend to understand how geographuic locations ct
ATV [Northern's owner] their names, but we've noticed that a remarkabk number of them sound like
stunk, and now agrees, £4 drum rufs one can play on a trap set. Here are just a few examples.
million laterby the way,
that's £4 million each we've Acajurla, EI Salvador Dakovica, Yugoslavia Macumba (river), Australia
lost on that"you were Amchitka, Alaska l)jambala, Congo Makokou, Gabon
right." This is the arrogance Baba Hatim, China Djornbang, Indonesia Malacca, Malaysia
of the whole thing. Baden-Baden, Germany Dudinka, USSR Mandinga, Panama
Lee: lt is very simple1 Ba-don, Vietnam [)uong Dong, Vienam Maramba, 7.ambia
write a song with you Barn, Iran Galápagos Islands Otumba, Mexico
[meaning Linda], and you Bamba, Mali Guanahacoa, Cuba Paducah, Kentucky
are my partner.... Ban Bungxai, Laos Huatabampo, Mexico Pukapuka (atol!), French
Linda: I understand so well, Bangkok, Thailand Kalampáka, Greece Polynesia
Dad.... Batrambang, Cambodia Kampala, Uganda Rakahanga (atoll),
Lee: I don't want an Arab Baubau, Indonesia Kapingamarangi (atoll), Northern Cook Islands
as my partner if I can help Bombala, Australia Pacific Islands R iobamba, Ecuador
it. That's all. So I say, Kara Kum, China Rio Chico, Venezuela
Bondoukou, Ivory Coast
"Linda, if you ever sell" Karonga, Malawi Takasaki, Japan
Bucaramanga, Colombia
Linda: "offer it to me for Keokuk, Iowa
Budop, Vietnam raraj)a&. Colombia
the same amount." I under-
Rumba, Zaire Ketapang, Indonesia Tarapoto, Peru
stand it oil.
Calapan, Philippines Khatanga, USSR Tehachapi, California
Lee: "give me a chance
Caracajou, Alberta Kogaluk (river), Tipitapa, Nicaragua
to have it; I don't want to
Caratinga, Brazil Newfound land Titicaca (lake), Peru
have an Arab for a partner."
Linda: I don't understand Chacabuco, Argentina Kokomo, Indiana Tombouctou, Ma!i
why they didn't take what Chichigalpa, Nicaragua Kompong Thom, Cambodia Topo!obampo, Mexico
Capitol offered them. Chidambararn, India Kota Tinggi, Malaysia Ubangi (river), Africa
Paul: Let me tell you why. I Chiitagong, Bangladesh Koyukuk (river), Alaska Urubamba (river), Peru
am one of them....When Copacabana (beach), Brazil Kyaukpadaurig, Burma Waccasassa (bay), Florida
we were in the Beatles, if Co1uimbo, Chile Lackawanna, New York Wetumka, Oklahoma
someone said, "Your voice Corurnbá, Brazil Machanga, Mozambique Zumpango, Mexico
is worth £5, " and someone Cubolco, Guatemala Machu Picchu, Peru Philip]. Frankenfeld
came up and said, "I'll give
you £4.50 for it," you'd say,
"No, my voice is worth What's iiì a Niie?
more. " Now, when you are
in the Beatles, that's fine, Our Periodic
because you've got all the
power like the Jacksons
hove got now. lt's no longer Analysis
like that, and they don't WARREN BEATTY
know that. They will not TART-BAR VJEENY

admit that they now might CLARENCE THOMAS

just collect and run. They TOIERANCE CHASM
are going to fight....
The action by Apple against
Capitol-EMI was settled out THE REPUBLICANS
of court last year. lt has HAS-BEEN CULTR.I.P.
been reported that George,
Ringo, Yoko and Apple
Corps (in which Paul has a A MANIC THERAPY: SEE NIPPLES
financial interest) shared
more than $80 million. )


Fias Gu Naed ColoQef usfard Ever ReaII

Oeeo ií a Cooservater IÍh a [ead ?ie?

The other nihr on Ali!WiIIan a,i/ 7// (weve gut it on rape),

the villain picked up brass fireplace poker and bludgeoned a
guest star to death. John Adams, charrnan ot dic eponymous
Dubuque manulaeturcrs of thu poker. is LccuSrornc(! ro such
outrages. On TV, pokcrs seldom rtarrargc smoIdcrin Io.4s:
thcvrc more iike1 to be rearran,gir1z sonehodvs skull.
Grantcd, rlie're a lot nore plausb1c than ,gws that fire
when O1I play che
stcel-hr ni mcd (lcrhies ail other
murder weapons in fiction. And there are (locumented cases of'
assassination vtl a P1sone(l u mhrclla (il) 111(l murder-by-
hovl i nu-bal I But are pokers PP1I la r n drawi rig-room den-c-

tive stories because of historical precedent, or because you cant

eiectivc1y kill someone virh a samovar or a potted hydrangea?
' \\ Our search for au risver rook us first
\ \\\\ \\\ \ to th lurcau of j ustice Statistics, in
\X'asluiiron. Thu Lircaus statistics sug-
's4% \\
gest that mùSt TV writers have rather
::- cL
more s.i'id Irilaginations than noSt. acrua)

,' - ¿r

murderers; of' the .2 1 ,50() lU)ffliÇideS in
tut U.S. jut I 989. izoiw were reportedly
committed using pokers.
v_ But this hita contains a crucial f1a'. I f
I , a poker is swung I ike a bat. che ircati
considers it a "blunt objccr" (along vith
;'' -.
)( J
the hammers, clubs, bricks anti ire irons î

i USC(l w crush I 280 skulls lasr year). And

_ if into an eye or an alxloicn, it

;: rnitlit h( a "stabbing instlunc1ir. 'J'hus,
the dearth of poker-fatality statistics might he misleadiiig.
\X'e turned next to SOflX experts Wit h firsrhaii poker-han-
dung experience. Ron Pulone owns Sunset Pireplact- Fixtures
in City of Industry, Cal ifbrn ja. One of the worlds 1rcmkr
poker rnanuuiìctu rers. Sunset also 1)rilt1(ed a fi replace screen
seen on Csby and some of the fireplace tOOlS used in tue ")Yhite
HOUSe living room. "1 (:anr recall anyones gcnin ki!1d \virI)
a poker iO L.A., said Pulonc. They just shoot them.'
J oho Adaris says tile ()fll j)()ker deaths he knows about
have been on TV. Adams sees no reason ro restrict sales of even
his heaviest pokers (neither iersoni1 identification nor "an
afila'i saving i r \vOflt be used in a murder" is requ i red). Be-

sides, "the poker is a moie wicked-looking toOl , thuti the

tongs woo Id ht- a more aguo i '. ! ng (. lit h."
J ad Potter, t'or 24 years a New York City l)ohice11L, has
personally investigated hundreds of murders. No one has ap-
Peared to be poker-related. '''oti struck out virh mc," Potter
told us. 'There's two other men bete. (_)nc guy has a vagtu
recollection of hearing about ont.' Potter also thinks he re-
members a murder-by-icicle. ' Rut maybe was one of those
C(j/umbo jobs .
' G

,.t,t,' ¡?ti 't,.- f 1nl/n//ln ((11(1 J) rt'k /i.,,,,


Almost ail 01 JOU bate DaviD Duke, Dut neatly

none of you know me baN Just examine

tills Dossier

Detailing Duke's





i ¡Ti
T HAS BEEN 16 YEARS SINCE DAvIc DUKE Klan with sex appeal' The statement, instead, is
tchicved national pruin irience through his leader- David Duke's, uttered in 1976, when he was 26, and
ship of the Ku Klux Klan and affiliatioiì with the from him it's not a hit unimaginable. He is, after all, a
Anierican Nazi Party, and nothing about these past child of his gencrationcool, swingy, a man who
aSsociationS has managed to slow his ascent. No doubt blow-dries his hair and cares enough about his looks to
sUEne of this is due to his success ¡n becoming the have had plastic surgery and who has written a smarmy
thoroughl' zodern extremist. Charismatic, surgically sex manual for women [see "Sex and the Single Bigot,
handsome, schooled in saying the unspeakable in cool April). But mostly the phrase seems so believable
1LIld even rones, shrevd enough to at once hobble and because there are so many reports ofDavid Duke's pre-
benefit froin Clarence Thomas with an endorsement, occupation with sex. In spite ofhis automatic endorse-
he is tue Kiansman iii the sharp suit. the reasonable ments of family values, in spite of the warm photo-
racist, the chaos lurking in the box that Bush and graphs of him with his virginal teenage daughters, in
Avater opened Pandorically with \XIillie Horton in spite ofhis claims to adhere to Christian values, sexual
1988. Elected to the J.ouisiana State Legislature in satisfaction seems to be a compulsion for him.
19H9. he ran for the (Inited States Senate last year Let's begin in the late 1970s. Nancy Manning, a 20-
and took 14 l)(tCCflt of the VOtC - a n ala roi i ng, efT1lt r- year-old high school dropout from FLorida, was working
rassing lIgure. Afi now he is running for governor of as a stripper in a suburb of Denver and augmenting
Louisiana in next fl1()flthS election. And he niay win. her income by turning tricks. In the course of things,
But while Davi.l Duke has managed to proht from Manning developed a crush on Fred Wilkins, who was
his past as a liaremonger. there are other stories from active in the Colorado chapter ofthe Klan. One week
his PSt that have received less attention: accounts of a David Duke, who had headed the RENDEZVOUS WITH
voracious sexual Lp)Ctite. of selling out his frieils for Louisiana Knights or che Ku Klux DESTINY: Below, Klan
- . .

groupie Nancy
IflOflCy, of greed, o f consorti ng ' th voii id-be d rug Klan since 1975, came west to help Manning at her
dealers. Now, these acts may not matter 1110cl) tO thOse
current place of
W1IKIOS recruit new memners, ann

business in Arizona.
who arc apl)alled by I)uke's racism. But fr those vho Manning signed up. "I was never a Opposite: left, Duke
1)CliCVC that the nore exrrcm( a right-winger orneoné nLCLSt, she explainea to sifl' earlier the Klansman, 1978;
. .

right, Duke the

is. the fiore personally scrupulous he is as well, these this year. "I just baci a crush on candidate, 1989
findings should mark the end of that myth. Fred"Whenthetecruiter
asked her occupation,
HI, I'M DAVID DUKE. WOULD YOU LiKE TO MEET THE Manning said stripper.
LIJTLE DUKE? Befbre long, Duke and
When one thinks back to Robert Shelton, the onetime Wilkins visited Manning -
: .
Imperial Wizard of the Klan whose creased face and at lier place of busi-
narrow eyes we came to know ness. As Manning recalls,
' ,

I n
during the 1960s, one cannot im- "Around midnight, Fred .

agine him saying, We are the cameinwiththisguythat

I recognized from pictures. I knew that it was David Duke. tian values, but this was 12 years ago, and boys, after all, will
I was up there buck naked, dancing. They were grinning be boys.
at me and drinking, and I thought, This is hypocritical, And compulsives, after all, will be compulsive. Accord-
because theyre supposed to be Christians. [After the show) I ing to Karl Hand, who was one ofDuke's chief lieutenants
went and sat with them. David paid for all the drinks. in the Louisiana Klan, Duke was constantly on the prowl.
As the evening progressed' she continues, "it became From a pay phone at the Hunt Correctional Institute in
clear to me that Fred wanted me to go with David' When Louisiana, where he is serving time for attempted mur-
her shift ended, they headed for Fred's house. "David was der, Hand described Duke's behavior. I know that it's
all over me in the backseat. Fred was looking at us in the politically advantageous for him to proclaim that he's a
rearview mirror. I thought that was kind of creepy' devout Christian' Hand told sp', "but he's far removed
Once they arrived, Duke 'got undressed and lay down from that. He liad no qualms about putting the make on
on the bed' says Manning in a chirpy voice. "He put his anyone's wife or girlfriend, and the flak always came back
arms above his head and said, Do what you will, i only to me, because I was his national organizer. He was por.
want to please you. You know, like he was the submissive. I traying himself as a family man, with his wife and two
thought, Oh, my God, one ofthose. He said, 'Pretend that kids, but at the same time, he was involved in these sex-
it's a vanilla-ice-cream cone, honey I couldn't resist say- ual escapades:' Hand's recollections echo sentiments ex-
¡ng, 'Not chocolate, right?' So then we screwed and went pressed in an article on Duke that appeared in Southern
to bed. It wasn't a real fun experience. He's built really magazine in 1987. " We had toget David out' one Klans-
small, and he has a small penis:' man said. "He was seducing all the wives."
Manning claims she saw Duke once more, on a flight; "He's got a problem,' says Hand. "It's not just a sexual
he talked to her on the plane but ignored her the thing. He has to go ahead and prove himself and display
airport. He continues to send her Christmas cards en- chis type of behavior openly to prove his masculinicy.
graved with little poems ("Honor the man who is willing Certainly this trait has impressed itselfupon several jour-
to sink/Half his repute for his freedom to think") and nalists in recent years. Southerns Pat Jordan reported
fundraising letters. It is less likely that she receives these Duke's remarking on a young woman's chest. "Doesn't
communiqués because he fondly remembers their tryst she have great breasts?," Duke exclaimed. "They're not
than because her name is on some mailing list. big, but they're perfect. Perfect breasts, they always make
After her evening with Duke, Manning continued to me horny." Ludan Truscott, who profiled Duke for
stay in contact with Fred Wilkins, but they are now es- Esquire in 1989, described Duke's "arm-punching macho
tranged. Wilkins admitted to SPY that he knew Manning bullshit, always saying, Hey, get a loadofihosegreat legs!" A
but insists that their relationship was platonic, and that journalist for a Louisiana newspaper who has covered
Manning is a nut. He wrote Manning a letter in January Duke regularly but requested anonymity ("You know, I
1991 that read, "David called me New Year's Day to wish have to live down here") says such behavior is typical.
me good luck. We had a nice long talk. We also talked In our interview, Karl Hand was also able to confirm
about you. Nancy, you are a joke! Seek help and get your the existence of Duke's pornography collection. "1 inves
act together and grow up!" She now lives in Phoenix, tigared that one personally and found pornography right
where she works as a prostitute under the name Amber,
advertising herself in The Bachelor's Beat, a sort of shop-
"011KO hUis on bolDO a lathes' aii,"
per's circular for johns. After she spoke to spy, Manning
says, she called an attorney who represents right-wing ex-
tremists and told him what she had told us. "We're not says a lorifier supooer,
real happy you did that' the lawyer reportedly told her. '11111 I IblUk he iosi h1es woeo"
So what?, you say. Sure, he was married, andsure, at 29, he
wasn't exactly a kid, and sure, he pre. - in his own nightstand, in the
sentedhimselfas an exemplar ofchris- top drawer" said Hand. "He had

1 A'

_; '.' -- ìI
photos of black men with white women, all posi-
tions actually. The one that I saw myselfhad OflC whit e
guy, one black guy and a white girl. She was

-- ,
wrote and published African Atto, a 70-

page street-fighting manual for blacks.
An ad for the book that appeared
performing various acts on both ofthem at in several black newspapers was
the same time. His wife, Chloe, tipped mc headlined WHEN WAS THE LAST
offto this' The whole thing led Hand, in TIME WHITEY
all seriousness, to judge Duke guilty of
"conduct unbecoming a racist'
Or conduct unbecoming anybody. Linda
Melton is a businesswoman from Monroe.
Louisiana, who volunteered to work on
b Yac

Duke's U.S. Senate campaign in 1990 b 1' LflJ'r11_
soon became appalled by his behavior a
quit. Melton told SPY that Duke missed a
important fundraising meeting because i
ended up out till three or four dclock in th
morning in a real sleazy, sleazy, I mean we'r
talking redneck sleazy, after-hours club i
west Monroe with some real trashy-lookir
girC During that campaign Duke was oft
introduced at rallies by a bosomy Bourb
Street dancer named Chris Owens, whi
added to his reputation as a swinger. St claimed, "AFRICANATTO will turn your
Linda Melton has doubts about how much Body into BLACK STEEL" with newfound
a Lothario Duke really is. "David Duke puts "power that translates to sex appeal!"
being a ladies' man' she says, "but I thu d "will attract loving, beautiful women' Interest-
that's a big cover. I think he hates women' ; phrasing, given the man's taste in pornography.
)uke has conjured up different explanations
DEAR H.&R. BLOCK: i WAS RECENIL Y OFFERE African Atto, varying with the image he was
OFSIL VER FOR VIOLA 1/NG A SECRECY OATH. IS inni uiyiu- projecting at the time. First he denied authorship. Then
EREO EARNED INCOME? he claimed he had written it as part of a scheme to dis-
Most ofthose who have written about Duke have treated cover the names of"the most radical blacks in the United
at face value his decision in 1980 to leave the Klan and States so that when the time comes, we will know where
form the National Association for the Advancement of they are' During the 1980s, Duke reportedly pointed to
White People. Duke explains the move with one of his the manual as an example ofthe menace that black mili-
swerves into yuppie savviness. 'I had joined the Klan be- tants posed. By the time he ran for senator, he was ad-
cause of those robes:' he once said. "They made good mitting authorship again, defending the handbook as a
copy, you know. Good pictures. But after a while, all those spoofthat exposed "the latent racism ofblacks' as "satire
guys with the green teeth, they got to me.' in the best tradition ofJonathan Swift'
Kiansmen have their own version of events, which is Duke apparently realized that publishing Swiftian
that they had grown disenchanted with their leader. As black-street-fighting handbooks was no way to make big
Karl Hand says, "He became known for what he was, money and tried other schemes, among them selling
which is a very unscrupulous person' The last straw came tapes by mail. Duke became a sort oIKKK-Tel, selling as
in 1980, when, as James Ridgeway reports in his book recently as 1989 - the year he became an elected official -
Bloodin the Face, Duke violated the Klan secrecy oath by cassettes ofsuch songs as "Nigger, Nigger' "Some Niggers
attempting to sell for personal profit the organization's Never Die" and "Nigger Hatin' Me:' which begins with
membership list to Bill Wilkinson, a dissident Klan the lyrics "Now I like sugar and I like tea/But I don't like
leader who was forming his own group. Wilkinson had niggers, no siree/There's two durn things that will make
approached Duke about purchasing the Knights' con- me puke/That's a hog eatin' slop and a big black spook'
fidential membership list and slyly videotaped Duke bar- But note: According to its catalog, his company did "not
gaining the price up to $35,000, money that Duke would necessarily endorse all the ideas contained in these tapes.
have pocketed. Wilkinson then threatened to play the We offer them in che spirit of honest historical inquiry'
video at a Klan meeting; shortly thereafter. Duke left the Then again, perhaps nobody bought the tapes. In
organization. Later it came out that Wilkinson had been 1990 the New Orleans Times-Picayune reported that Duke
an FBI informant since che mid-1970s, and his group had filed no state income-tax returns for the years 1984 to
crumbled; it is unclear whether he was acting at the FBI's '87. Duke at first denied the charge, then claimed he was
behest when he stung Duke into selling out his cohorts. exempt from the requirement because he had earned less
Duke by then was already an old hand at quick-buck than $12,000 a year. But the paper also quoted Duke's
schemes. In 1973, under the name Mohammed X, Duke stockbroker, Charles Safford, as saying that during this
period, Duke had invested heavily in the stock market. Duke campaign's filings in the presence ofa SPY reporter
The paper also reported that Duke made regular trips to noted that Duke had personally lent his campaign more
Las Vegas, where he was a more than casual bettor. One than $77,000 and said, i'd like to sec his tax returns.'
of Duke's ex.girlfriends, Gwen Udell, says that Duke
often had thousands of dollars on the table at a time. TIlE GAY NAZI DRUG-DEALERWANNABE FRIENDS OF
Udell also recalls celebrating Hitlers birthday with 1)ukc DAVID DUKE
and driving him to the office of Dr. Calvin Johnson, the It was one ofthose rcrnarkahle little stories that blip into
plastic surgeon who helped Duke enhance his Aryan consciousness and then disappear: On April 27, 1981,
looks with a nose job, a chin implant and chemical peels. ten men, most of them with ties to the Klan or to neo-
One wonders about where the money came from. Nazi organizations, were arrested in Louisiana by fed-
Could it have come from all those Duke supporters who eral agents for plotting to overthrow the government of
think he is a good Christian? In 1987, Duke was arrested the Caribbean nation of Dominica. Among them were
in Forsyth County Georgia, where he was leading a Michael Perdue of Houston, a man with Nazi affilia-
march, for parading without a permit. He set up a legal. tions; Don Black of the Louisiana Klan; and Wolfgang
defense fund and raised $20,000. His offense netted him Droege of the Canadian Klan. In Perdue the group had
a $55 fine; according to Lance Hill ofthe Louisiana Co- as its leader a man who made p for a lack of cunning
alition Against Racism and Nazism, the rest of the with sheer incompetence. "We somctines had trouble
money has not been accounted for. Former Duke cam- suppressing our laughter in meetings with Pcrdue a fed-
paigner Linda Melton describes the Duke Senate cam- eral officer told the Dallas Times Herald. One time, for ex-
paign's sloppy handling of campaign contributions. She ample, Perdue arrived early for a meeting with police
told py about one fundraising event where the cam- operatives and came upon them installing recording
paign collected vast amounts of cash. The money was equipncnt. He picked up a tapping device and examined
stuffed into black Hefty bags, which Duke carried up. it without getting an inkling of what was happening.
stairs, where he was alone with them for a while. He then "They were clowns' Lindsay Larson Ill, the prosecutor of
brought them down and threw them into the back of a the case, told spy. "Dangerous, but clowns'
truck. had never seen so much cash in my life' Melton The men planned to sail to Dominica, overthrow the
recalls. "It was mind-boggling' Mekon says no records existing government and reinstate the vaguely socialist
were kept about contributors or amounts. An official of former prime minister. Perdue intended then to set up a
the Federal Election Commission who examined the cocaine laboratory, from which he hoped to earn millions

WilO, Mf?
David Duke took the time to speak with s about our findings. Here are his comments.
ON HIS FAILURE TO FILE STATE INCOME-TIX RETURNS: "First off, I've always paid my taxes....What happened was that I didn't
file my state income taxes for a couple of years, and that was because my threshold of income was lower than what was
required." (Duke, by the way, doesn't a/ways pay his taxes. Records show he failed to pay $1,263 worth ofproperty taxes in
1990 and 1991.)
ON WHERE HE GOT $77,000 TO LEND HIS CAMPAIGN: "First, I borrowed $50,000 on my home....The records are clear....I
borrowed some money on my credit cards as well." (According to Duke expert Lance Hill, the records aren't at all clear. They
show that Duke took out a mortgage on his home in 1984, not 1990.)
ON THE DoMINIcA ADVENTURE: "First off, I wasn't involved in that Dominica thing at all. . . There is no evidence whatsoever
that dope was in any way a major part of Lthel plan. . . .Very early this fellow by the name of Perdue talked to me....I said,
'Well, I'm not interested in doing anything with it, but if you want to talk to some patriots or some anticommunists, I'll give
you some names.'"
ON Ge/EN UDELL'S RECOLLECTIONS OF DUNE: "Gwen Udell is one of thosewas a former girlfriend, and former girlfriends and
Iformer boyfriends, you know, whose relationship ended unfortunately, it's hard to take everything that's said from a person
with complete assurance. But no, it's not really true [that I celebrated Hitler's birthdayl, and I certainly reject fascism,
communism and Nazism."
ON KARL HAND'S ALLEGATIONS ABOUT A PORNOGRAPHY COLLECTION: "Well, Karl is in prison for attempted murder, and he's had a
lot of difficulty in his life ...... m appalled that you'd even entertain such a question. That's just totally untrue."
ON NANCY MANNING'S ALLEGATIONS: "There's some nut named Nancy Manning running around.. . .IThe accusation that we had sex
is] totally ridiculous..The woman isI don't want to be sued, but she's unstable. I mean, the woman is totally off her rocker."
ON LINDA MELT0N's ALLEGATIONS ABOUT HEFTY BAGS FULL OF CASH: "Linda Melton was a disgruntled Icampaign] worker who did
not get the position she wanted. But every penny was accounted for. In fact, I never touched the money."
ON HIS CONTINUED ASSOCIATION WITH DON BuicK: "He did some computer work for us in the statehouse campaign a long time
ago, just like about $120 worth....He's married to my ex-wife, so he's around my children, so it's not like I'm not going to
associate with him....Anyway, that's kind of a silly thing to mention."
ON WHY PEOPLE KEEP BRINGING UP HIS PAST: "I'm talking about issues nobody else talks about politically, Isol I'm condemned
for my past. But I won't live in the past....I think I live in the present and look forward to the future."

. ' 5 , , . , ', . . . . '- .

source Karl Hand. underqoinq arrest

. .' . .

' S


1j1i '


of dollars. Prosecutors knew ,.

; In the absence of his father,
all this because Droege casu- : a new paternal figure, James
ally brought it Lip in conversa-
tion and they got it on tape;
i- '

veloper from New Orleans. be-

Lindsay, a wealthy real estate de-
(: .

also. Perdue was heard brag- came Duke's mentor. According

to Esquire, Lindsay had at least two secret identities: to
¡Ile casa was stollo
Kiansmen and Nazis, he was known as Ed White; in the
¡1110 Holly
French Quarter, where he cruised gay bars, he was known
which 011Ko carrie' uosiairs asJames Lawrence. (Lindsay's son,James II, disputes this
characterization. "You have to be kidding;' he said to srn'.
ging that he would leave the island in five years, $3 mil- "My father was one of the biggest cocksmen who ever
lion to $5 million richer. He also testified under oath lived' He added that his father and Duke "found each
that he was gay. Nine of the plotters were convicted of other very attraccive' and that his father treated Duke
violating the Neutrality Act and sentenced to terms of "almost as an alternate identity') One night in 1975,
up to three years. Lindsay was visited in his oflice by his estranged wife.
According to Larson, authorities at the time suspected They had sex, then he told her he wanted a divorce. After
that David Duke was involved in the plot; after all, 5ev- she went co her car, she says, she heard someone demand
eral of the conspirators were Klansmen, including Don money from her husband, then shots. She was indicted
Black, who had replaced Duke as head ofthe Louisiana for murder, but the charges were dropped. The crime
Knights. But Larson says his office never developed any has never been solved.
evidence linking Duke to the plot, and when Duke was While maintaining that Duke's Dominica scenario
called before the grand jury, he refused to talk. He did was "100 percent wrong;' prosecutor Larson acknowl-
talk to Newsweek, saying, 'I don't think it was a Klan oper- edges chat Perdue had contacted Sir Eric Gairy, the de-
ation, but ifsomebody wants to set up a mercenary force, posed head ofGrenada, about engineering a coup on his
they don't recruit from the Boy Scouts.' behalf but had been rebuffed. '[Gairy) wouldn't have
Two years later, in the aftermath ofthe U.S. invasion of anything to do with him' Larson says. "So he figured
Grenada, Duke became less self-effacing about his in. Dominica looked good. They weren't out for God and
volvement. In an article that appeared in the Evening Post country. They were out to make money:'
of Vicksburg, Mississippi, Duke acknowledged that he That Duke was involved is supported by Don Black's
had played a role in the aborted coup, which, he uncon- presence on the invasion team. Black was generally re-
vincingly maintained, had been conceived as a prelude to garded as one ofDuke's best friends. After Duke was di-
a Klan operation to liberate Grenada from the Commu- vorced from Chloe in 1983 (she said his "cause" was too
fists, much the way the American invasion had. "The in- draining and that she couldn't live with all the media at-
vasion ofGrenada by the U.S. government is really a vinO tention), she married Don Black. Duke served as Black's
dication ofwhat (the mercenaries) were engaged in," he best man. The Blacks now live in Florida with David and
said. Dukerhen described his role in the Dominica oper- Chloe's teenage daughters, Erika and Kristen. They call
ation: "The main thing they wanted me for was to find men their stepfather Mr. Don. When Duke ran for the state leg-
who were willing to participate in such an anticommunist islature in 1989, Mr. Don, a man who stands convicted of
operation. I contacted a few people who might be inter- plotting to overthrow a government with pals who wanted
ested." Duke said he met with several ofthe plotters in a to get into cocaine-processing, worked on Duke's cam-
hotel room in Metairie, where he lives. They apparently paign. He even rode on Duke's float in the Easter parade.
did not discuss the one important respect in which the Sexual compulsions. Hypocrisy. Sellouts. Financial ir-
situation in Dominica differed from that in Grenada regularities. Greed. Imbecilic adventures. A taste for bad
namely, that Dominica's prime minister was pro-America companions. It's not a record you would think most poli-
and the man they would return to power was socialist. ticians could survive. But then, David Duke has already
Michael Perdue may not have been the first friend of survived a record far uglier than this.)
David Duke's who was a gay Nazi. In 1966, when Duke
was 16, his father, whom he idolized, volunteered to go to
Vietnam to work for the Agency for International Devel- Additional reporting for this article by Jeanne Weill in New
opment, leaving David at home with an alcoholic mother. Orleans, Scott Yates in Denver and Guy Martin in New York
a lI
k .i!
Ii f

b t o
. i

In September 1971, Bobby Seale was negotiating with rioting inmates at Attica. America was turning on,
dropping out, digging LedZeppelin I/I. Tricia Nixon was just back from her honeymoon. And on the
nineteenth of that month, 58young people announced their weddings in the society pages of the Sunday
New York Times. In 1991 we pored over all those musty, yellowing wedding announcements and spent
months tracking down every one of couples. Here's what they told us.

edding vows in church aren't

*4, that big a deal: only God is Jj?*4z..J 4J f4,..

paying attention. Wedding announcements in The New

York Times are quite different. lithe news of your
marriage makes it into the Times, you know that the
first lady, half of your college class, the parents of that
girl who picked on you so much in high school and all
the people yOU still have crushes on will read about
you. They'll find out your middle name and which
religious denomination you decided to slide yourself
into. Marriage may be a sacrament, but a Times
marriage is a double-dip sacrament with crushed Heath
bars on toi). Presumably, this was just as true on
September 1 9, 1 97 1 , as it is now, which is why it was STILL MARRIED
so. . .generous of the couples whose weddings appeared in CHILDREN: Two, ages 1 4 and I i
the Times that day to air their marital laundry with us STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS:They still use the double sleep-
20 years later. ing bag that zips together.
The Ti,nes's society editors must have had a trickier WHY ThEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Son of secretary of
job than usual in i 97 1 . There was so much they had to State; Wellesley; Yale Law
leave out. For every home chapel built by a
grandmother who had spent her childhood in Rome, for Mrs. Rogers assures us that the pheasant aux chasseurs
every tea-dance debut and every father on the board of served at her elaborate wedding feast went over well:
this or that, some equally telling detail had to be "lt was great!" But the Rogerses' wedding was not
orn itted . Beverly See's Swiss guipure-lace-and-organza wholly traditional. Not only did his father read from
gown must have been easy enough to describe, but what The Prophet, but, says Mrs. Rogers, "at the time, I was
about Elizabeth CornwalPs Bedouin costume? And living in a commune in New Haven, and one of the
Thomas Miner's velvet bell-bottoms: should they get a members was Henry WinklerHenry writes about it
mention? No, the Times decided. The pheasant aux in his book. All our commune friends were at the wed-
chasseurs at the wedding reception ofJeffrey Rogers, ding. On one band we had the chief justice of the
the son of the secretary of State, definitely deserved Supreme Court and all these security people in the
inclusionafter all, it had been part ola "hunting lodge trees, and boats in the water, and then we had all the
buffet"but the Times would not allude to the fact that commune people also in the trees, doing other things."
Rogers's bride, Kristine Olson, had lived in a commune Asked about his wife's communal past with the Fonz,
with Henry Winkler. For these facts we must turn to Mr. Rogers says, "That was before we met. And Yale
our 1991 updates, which bear the same battle scars and communes were pretty tame."
late-night soul-baring as class notes at a college reunion. After law school, the couple moved to Portland, Ore-
It was a class ofsorts, this bunch ofnewlyweds. I'm gon. He is the Portland city attorney; she is an associate
not talking about dais fl the sociological sense, but dean of Lewis and Clark Law School. When their chu-
about the surprising number ofcommon experiences dren were young, the couple shared a caseload at the
(besides LSD and voting for Nixon) that so many of U.S. Attorney's Office in Portland. Mrs.
these couples shared. Two of the brides were named Cici. Rogers says, "I think the kids see us as in-
One groom went to Deerfield; one couple's son went to terchangeable. If I was in court, Jeff was at
Deerfield; and one of the brides divorced her husband home, cooking and cleaning. You're start-
and married a Deerfield headmaster. Edward von Briesen ing to see more of that now, but when we
is friends with Sondra Forbes Jaques; two couples today did it in the seventies, it was hard. Espe-
live a block apart on the Upper East Side; and several cially on Jeff, because he was seen as not
couples spend time at Vail. Maybe I am talking about real committed to his career."
that sense ofthe word class. ,$...e4* (/l1$lIIe'% lI4lI4t-

Even in truckin' old 197 1 , most of

these brides and grooms probably , f4J!UIL1f*
hoped their marriages would survive. ,1(\
Eighteen out of 29 actually did. A CHILDREN: Two, ages 18 and 14; live with

couple more certainly won't, and I've - ::1 their mother in New Paltz, New York
been trying to decide whether the F ' Y :Ç
("Things other parents take for granted are
success or failure of each marriage .
-f special events for me," Mr. Miner says)
could have been predicted by its an- FAST-FORWARD: Mr. Miner married Whitty
nouncement alone. One of the still-
married wives went to my daughter's
- Sanford in 1980. They live in a farmhouse in
Roxbury, New York, with her two sons. He
school, while one of the divorced couples was a freelance photographer until 1975, when
was married by the same priest who oflici- he started doing nonprofit environmental work. In
ated at my wedding. That says something 1988, Betsy Cornwall remarricd; Mr. Miner and his
about something, doesn't it? Four of the seven debu- new wife attended the wedding. Ms. Cornwall's second
tantes are divorced; so are the three couples who marriage also ended in divorce. She spends her time
married in college, though both couples who married being PTA president, bird-watching and volunteering
in law school stayed together. On the other hand, it's as an emergency medical technician for the New Paltz
hard to believe that both the Cicis are still married. Rescue &uad. The extended modern family gathers for
There are obviously some vestigial Me Decade birthdays and other events. "This is not easy," Mr.
sensibilities at work in the minds ofsome parents (a Miner admits. "All ofus make a very concerted effort."
sterling exception is Jeffrey and Kristine Rogers, who HIM ON HER: "Betsy Cornwall is a very nice person, but
win both the Best Wedding Announcement and Best she and I weren't fated to be married."
Update awards in all categories). Several divorced HER ON HIM: "Tom was such a hipster. I consider myself
couples seem bewilderingly confident that their lucky, because we have a very amiable relationship."
ofipring liked watching the household fall apart. His EARLY WARNING SIGN: When Ms. Cornwall was eight and a
two sons reacted well to the breakup of their parents' half months pregnant, the couple was featured in a
marriage, says one dad: "They are very mature in medical-training film
dealing with changes." "The kids see their father every about cesarean sections.
other weekend," a mom explains. "I think basically Though the film was '
they're products of the nineties, and theyre happy supposed to capture a ..

knowing that we're happy." You know those kids of the blissful expectant cou-
nineties, always valuing their parents' happiness above ple,theMiners bickered .

their own. What a coincidence that they've all adjusted

so nicelyjust the way every child in Manhattan adores STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS:
the nanny. "We split them up," he '
Raising kids aside, 20 years have taught these says. "But the hardest part of divorce is the way you get
couples a lot about Life. And the lessons they've learned! artificially severed from people you know."
"Clearly, marriage was nor born in Heaven," says one FUN FACTS: At their potluck wedding, he wore velvet
wife. "It's something you have to work at, and even bell-bottoms, and she wore a Bedouin-style gown; they
then it sometimes doesn't make it." "Things are always honeymooned in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, in order to at-
replaceable," another woman points out. Olcourse, it tend a crafts fair.
would be unfair to expect people to spout lapidary WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Daughter of Wal-

aphorisms just because they're 20 years older than they lace- E i i jahar 1 ii Ud president ; Princeton
used to be. And if these couples had been polled on
their (1971) wedding day, they probablyno,
certainlywouldn't have sounded any better. But still! DIVORCED IN 1990
"It's much more permissive today." "A lot of things CHILDREN:TwO,ages l3and 11
changed for me in 20 years." "When our first dog died, FAST-FORWARD: Both live on the Upper East Side of Man-
it was a big blow." hattan. She says, "I loathe any kind ofpublicity," because
One wonders whether the Times announcements her ex-husband "is fairly controversial." He is a senior
themselves had any influence on the marriages. What if vice president at CBS and, as Laurence Tisch's key strate-
the paper's society editors had picked a whole different gist. is said to run the network.
crop ofpeople for that September 19, and all the FUN FACT: He once told the Times,
couples featured on these pages had found that the only "Im mysterious, and I want ro stay
mentions of their weddings were in their hometown that way."
weeklies? We'll never know, but there's one thing of WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES:
which we can be sure: if the Times printed divorce Mayor Lindsay in attendance; Har-
announcements, all marriages would last forever. va rd Law
ilkji*4rí £e4*fs.J a.J tjLt '%..


CHILDREN: Three, ages 14, 1 1 and 9 CHILDREN: Two, ages 8 and 5
FAST-FORWARD: At the time of his marriage, Michael FAST-FORWARD:The Coopers lived in Memphis until
W1S assistant to New metropolitan cdi-
York Tjn,ç 1976, when they moved to Jackson, Mississippi. He
tot Arthur Gelb. While Gelb has been relegated to the owns a commercial real estate firm, and she runs a
Times Foundation, Mr. Leahy is now deputy editor of caten ng business.
the Timei Week in Review. Mrs. Leahy left banking for i 991 INSIGHTS: She says, " He's loosened up,
a career in law and has been at the New York law firm and I've calmed down. He needed to be-
olMilbank, Tweed, Hadley & McCloy since 1982. The come more childlike, and I needed to be-
couple lives on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. come more like a grown-up."
1I1'1r ding heiress
CHILDREN: Three, ages 16, 15 and 14; joint custody Though she is the great-granddaughter of
STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: He says, "When we got di- the founder ofCannon Mills, Sanda Coop-
vorced, I took eight or ten of my favorite oil paintings er does not use Cannon sheets ("I don't
and oe or two of my own personal chairs." pay any attention to that. I just get what fits the bed").
HIM ON HER: "She's an angry woman." She was in law school at the time of her wedding but
HER ON HIM: "1 juSt cant stand him." dropped out shortly thereafter. Mrs. Cooper speaks can-
WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Daughter of Save the didly about the major change in her life since then: "In
Children Federation chairman; four debuts about 1973 I became a Christian, which was very
strange. I went to Sarah Lawrence, and being a Chris-
When Phillip Minella married Sarah Finch, the Times tian or a cheerleader were two things that were certain-
reported that he was "engaged in land development." ly frowned upon. I'm an adult child ofan alcoholic, and
They couldn't say I was a carpenter, for Christ's sake! a lot of that stuff caught up with me, and I was just
My father-in-law wouldn't think that was proper!" says miserable. After trying therapy and some drug experi-
the self-styled former "dashing young ski hero." mentation and many other routes, I thought I'd just
The Minellas spent most of their ten years together give God a shot."
shuttling between homes in Nantucket, Sun Valley and She attributes the success of her marriage to her
Aspen. The ski bum had met the debutante in Vail: "I religious conversion: "I don't know how he
used to ski for the K-2 demonstration team. That's when put up with me until that point. But he
I met that woman I married. What was her name?" was probably too sick to noticehe's
His ex-wife married John Warner in 1988 and lives an adult child of an alcoholic as well.
in Chatliam, Massachusetts. She and Mr. MincI- We didn't know it when we first got
la share custody of their children. "That's why married, but then we sort of
I OVC wherever she lives," explains Mr. looked up and thought, Gosh,
Minella. "Typically what happens in a divorce He was out of What-
we're sick!
is that the woman controls the children. My ,
ton business school, and I was
case was weird, because to me what was im- * out ofSarah Lawrence, so it was
portant was not the money. I never had any strange. I had my fist in the
money as a kid, so it didn't matter, and my air, and he had a one-inch tie
wife obviously had incredible money, and she just al- on! It was a peculiar combination."
ways expected it. So our fight was over the kids. I said, Mr. Cooper, also a relatively new Christian, says,
No way you're going to walk away and leave me with- "My focus is on family and my spirit life much more so
out my children. Until my kids are 18, they're going to than it was in 1971. Then it was mainly financial and
spend some time of every day with me.' To make it upward mobility and that kind of thing."
easy, I just do whatever the hell she wants." He is con-
sidering writing a book about his divorce experience.
"I just can't stafl(I him," Mrs. Warner says through MR. SLONAKER DIED IN

clenched teeth, adding "I just can't do it!" when asked CHILDREN: Three, ages 14, i i and 9
to say anything mo about her ex-husband. FAST-FORWARD: Mrs. Slonaker teaches platform tennis in

Mr. Minella is still 'en- Summit, New Jersey. Until Mr. Slonaker's death from
gaged in land development" cancer, the family had lived a normal suburban life. His
! .
and says, "I spend all my time widow says, " We were sort of boring. We really enjoyed
t - .
and all my money on my our children and had a great family life,"
;; I kids. It's better than hanging WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Daughter of nation-

L .
out with women, sleazing." ally ranked lawn-tennis player; Princeton

'.Sl4TL.a *.j 1-1 Ç;.:.s ti t ll

HER ON HIM: "I mean, he was a real lemon."
STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: She kept them. "I think the
only reason I lucked out with that, though, is that he
moved and he couldn't take that much stuff with him.
DIVORCED IN 1991 I Mostly they were all from my friends, anyway.'
CHILDREN: Four, ages 18, 16, 15 and 8
FAST-FORWARD: For most of their married life, the Youngs Michele Chapman recalls meeting her husband: "I had
lived in Lenox, Massachusetts. Ms. Young remains in been going in for a date in New York, which didn't
Lenox with the children. "I'm a nurse, but I'm working turn out well. I was dumped! On the way back I met
at a retirement home as a waitress, because I have four Howardwho I later found out was marriedon the
kids and I have to be home," she says. Mr. Young has train. It was a real night!" After their marriage, they
moved to nearby Lanesboro, where he is a pharmacist lived in Milford, Connecticut, and he worked for a
and lives with his girlfriend, who has five computer-service firm.
chi!dren. According to Ms. Chapman, "He was a very
1991 INSIGHTS: "Getting divorced was no handsome fellow, so he probably still is. About six
picnic," says Ms. Young. 'I didn't think foot two, very charming, a real user. The biggest
that was going to happen for sure. Now problem I had with him is that he had a lot of
I'm not really sure what to expect. At this support payments and everything for his children.
point, I'm just sort of maintaining." Mr. He never gave me anything for household expens-
Young: "I've become more realistic over es. He never gave anybody anything. He just kept
the last 20 years, and less idealistic." his salary and did his thing."
STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: Ms. Young says, Since their 1974 divorce, Ms. Chapman has
"Some of the things vcren't very useful at au. I 1-er heard from the man she refers to as How-weird.
WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: She is descended He moved to Ojai, California, where he married a third
from Peter Stuyvesant, Massachusetts Bay Colony goy- timebefore securing a divorce. (The bigamist simply
ernor John Winthrop, John Jacob Astor and an ambas- reused the divorce papers from his first marriage.) Ms.
sador to Spain. Chapman remained in Connecticut and now lives with
her fiancé ofsix years; she is an administrative assistant
'i.', '4 .'4 s' c:r:: ii.t4Q, at a medical-supply firm. She reflects, "My life sort of
STILL MARRIED went up when I dumped him. I'm pretty content now,
CHILDREN: Two, ages 18 and 10 just sort of coasting. The one good thing about the di-
STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: She says, "Someone gave us a vorce is that it was truly a learning experience. With
clay OWl. lt still SitS gathering dust in the hallway. I this current relationship, I didn't make the same mis-
just (dUt bring myselfto throw it out.' takes. I think I look into people now, their personali-
ties, and I try to get more value out of a person than
The Templetons have lived in Vermont since their mar- maybe attractiveness and everything I thought of when
nage. He is an electrical contractor, and she is a part- I was younger. Now I got a nice job, and a nice Iella,
time special-education teacher who plans to go to grad- and we have a home."
uate school.
Mrs. Templeton describes some of the, well, swentier 1 41 A
elements of her wedding: "I wore a Mexican wedding STILL MARRIED
dress; we had friends who came in blue jeans and wore CHILDREN: '\OIìe
long morning coats. I understand several of them went FAST-FORWARD: The Thomassets live in Bedford, New
swimming nude afterward. It's funny, because we've York. Mr. Thomasset is a chemical-process engineer.
gone pretty much back to our upper-middle-class be- His wife, the stepdaughter of Beverly Sills, is a lecturer
ginnings again. Certainly the drug culture is something on speech communication at Jona College.
we're not even remotely near anymore. I think during THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: "It's amazing that we're still

the early days we definitely had people floating in and together. I know we work very hard," she says.
floating out, and things were being grown outside STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: Their favorite present, a Revere
today you wouldn't dare do." silver bowl that had been a shooting trophy of his
Mrs. Templeton is philosophical about the longevi- uncle's, was stolen, along with all the rest of their wed-
ty of her marriage: "Marriage is something you have ding silver. "For a fifteenth-anniversary gift," she says,
to work at, and even then it sometimes doesn't make "my husband went out and bought all new silver. I
it. I think that you change. Were very, very different was very touched by that."
people, grown together and grown apart all at the WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Btvcrlv Sills
same time." connection
"LI -.


CHILDREN: None CHILDREN: IWO. ages l'i and 8
FAST-FORWARD: Gloria Davy, who had previously been THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: "I
married to another man named Herman, lives most of was 26 when I got married,
the year in Bloomington, Indiana, where she teaches and my husband was 32, so we
music at Indiana University. Summers she lives in were not kids," she says.
Geneva as the honorary consul for St. Vincent and the STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS:
Grenadines. Hahn remarried in 1975 and leads "a very They're partial to a wooden
suburban life" with his second wife and their two sons barrel on wheels that doubles
in Karlsruhe, Germany. He is vice president of Univer- as an end table and an ice
sity Fridericiana. bucket.
WHAT WENT WRONG: Hermans, two mistakes."
Rvo FUN FACT: ' President Bush is a very good friend of my
WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Harvard Ph.D. parents'," says Mrs. White.
C Oiì'Li'L !h evator-company founder

CHILDREN:Two, ages 14 and i i The aptly named Whites lived in New York until
FAST-FORWARD: The O'Malleys have lived outside London 1977, when he took a job with Union Carbide in Dan-
for the past five years. Before that, they spent time in bury and they moved to Greenwich. "We love it here,"
Brussels and Mexico. She worked as an administrator says Mrs. White. "My parents live right around the cor-
for the University Foundation at Columbia until they ner, and the girls are the fourth generation at their
moved abroad. He is the VP and international counsel school." Still, the White girls' childhood is different
for the Bristol-Myers Group in Uxbridge. They main- from their mother's: "My 14-year-old knows more
tain a summer home in Connecticut. about life than I ever did. She can tell me a few things.
STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: "My favorite rwn Iver ¡r': rnnIi more permissive today, and divorces are much
Irish birds," she says. evalent. I think family values havejwt broken
Rockefeller i n attendance; Deer- r Union Carbide, Mr. White went to Gulf +
field; Harvard Vestern, now Paramount Communications,
Istreasurer. His wife says, "(Paramount chair-
k;$4fIk ¿17 amt man] Martin Davis is not a very nice boss to
work with! He likes to just stand there and
_.;a take the wings off flies. He runs on humilia-
STILL MARRIED tion, and nobody can do anything right, and
CHILDREN: None *. Lewis, being the treasurer of the whole corn-
FAST-FORWARD: Mr. Ives is a pany, was a very visible target." In 1989, Mr.
principal Appleton Part- White quit and became an independent con-
ners, a Boston money-man- sultant to bankrupt companies. "It's a very
agement firm, which he '

lucrative business," says his wife. "He's on a

founded in 1988. Mrs. Ives big assignrnent right now in Dallas and Tal-
is a volunteer and devotes lahassee, so he's not around very much." Last
most of her time to the year, after a 14-year hiatus from the labor
Trustees of Reservations. force, Mrs. White took a job in retail. "1
They live in Hamilton, york three to four days a week at a very exclu-
Massachusetts, and are ,e an tique-and-stationery-and-leather store.
Very active in the National Il-time would be too hecticcarpool sched-
Rowing Foundation. s and stuff."
HIM ON HER: "There ainE The Whites have eight pets and are about
II() mOSS growing under lier :) buy a potbellied pig ("You've got to put a

.-.& I feet!" - eir nose so they don't root!"). Mrs. White is

THE SECRET OF THEIR no longer a member of the Junior League. "In Green-
SUCCESS: "You've got to be able to laugh to- wich you join a garden club," she says. "This sounds
gether," he says. kind ofsnotty, but ifyou're new to Greenwich, you stay
FUN FACT: "I'm a friend of (George Bush'sJ a member of the Junior League. But my grandmother
brother Jonathan, if that means anything,' a garden club, and two past grandmothers were
f oiinded

he says. presidents, and my mother's a member. So I just went

WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Grand- from the Junior League to the garden club. I just
daughter otbank president; St. Paul's; Yale couldn't do both."
'LY;ff41 ..* j44L,00&. ci> tLVJ144 44J
STILL MARRIED (though they live aparthe in Colorado, STILL MARRIED
L&: inPalo Altofor professional reasons) CHILDREN:Three, ages i 8, 1 5 and 10
CHILDREN:One, age 17 THE SECRET OF ThEIR SUCCESS: Dr. Wernik, who admits to
HIM ON HER: "She's very difficult to get hold of," says Mr. having "love attacks," dedicated his sex manual (Open-
I loibrook. "She's a workaholic." MindedSex, 1987) to his wife.
WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: (ireat-grand- STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: Obsessive about Lenox salt

daughter ot Franklin Simon, the departmcnt- and pepper shakers

store founder (a large ad for the store appeared
in that day's paper)

Mr. Holbrook speculates that their living "a

Uil ot member
UI Israeli Finance

thousand miles apart" is "maybe what keeps

the marriage together. They've been doing
this since 1987, after jointly relocating "about every
duty in a osychiatric hospital,
the Werniks were married on October 26, 1971, in
met while both were on

five years." J erusalem, where they have lived ever since, except for
Mrs. Holbrook was until very recently a manager three years when Dr. Wernik was earning his doctorate
and buyer for Stanford University's sports program. Her at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. "lt
husband is the director of marketing services at Coors still feels good 20 years down the road," she says.
Brewing Company. The couple sees each other once "There have been a lot of milestones in our life. We
every month or so. "We see each other at parents' week- were newlyweds, virtually, in '73 when the Yom Kip-
ends," he says. "We had about eight or nine days in pur War broke out, and my husband was in the army
Hawaii together in April. Sometimes business crosses then for seven months."
our paths. " He speculates that the recent death of her Mrs. Wernik, who has a master's degree in social
father, who lived in California, might change their liv- work, works in family therapy and sex therapy.
ing situation, then adds, "But no, she's doing very well
in her job, and I didn't marry a housewife. And I bave , tlIt. t' I.' c*,!* ,. . .

the philosophy, as does she, that we work to reach cer- STILL MARRIED
tain levels of self-value, and marriage shouldn't get in CHILDREN: ,NOflC
the way of that." FAST-FORWARD: The self-described "very private" Von
Briesens in Oyster Bay Cove, New York.

h.4e4v$4Jt *4*4t THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: "My parents were divorced
STILL MARRIED about 40 years ago," he says. "Unfortunately, the New
CHILDREN:Two, ages 13 and 8 York City press had a field day with it.
FAST-FORWARD: Both practice law in Denver, where they FUN FACT: Mr. Von Briesen knows Sondra Forbes Jaques.
have lived every year except one since they were mar- WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Great-grandson of
ned. In 1989 they bought a second home, in Vail. I.egal Aid Society founder
1991 INSIGHTS: "I think people (today) have a much
different idea about how difficult life is going to turn a.J
out to be. Back then people really thought you could DIVORCED IN 1986
solve the world's problems and live happily ever after. CHILDREN: Three, ages 15, 13 and 11; live with mother.
That hasn't turned out to be true," She says, "The kids see their father every other week-
she says. end. I think basically they're products of the nineties,
THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: "We're a and they're happy knowing we're both happy."
little dullsville," says M rs. Hall. FAST-FORWARD: She runs a landscape-design business in
"We've lived in the same house for Rye, New York. He is a physicianan orthopedic spe-
14 years.' cialistin Brockton, Massachusetts.
STATUS OF WEDDING i 991 INSIGHTS: Katie Brown says, "Hopefully, I'm not
She loves Grandmother's silver
GIFTS: LS naive. I don't see things as black-and-white as I

candelabra; he prefers a chess set. did then. in your twenties, you want everything
FUN FACT:Mr. Hall wanted the to be perfect and people to be perfect, and now I
theme from 2001: A Space know that's not going to happen. I like being
Odyssey played as the bride came single, because I really don't have to compro-
into the chapel. This was not mise too much other than for my children. I'm
perm i ttCd. In charge. I run the ship."
TIMES: I)aughtcr ol vice president of r:i1i (Ilvided up," she says.
International Talc Co.; son of a WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Smith,
mining company president; Smith (:hi>ire; her job at the Metropolitan Museum of Art
J4, eQ-a l'L., .. 14,4.t. J( t1I1ie
uI4t_ S0.114t..4- CHILDREN: 'I'wo, ages 18 and 19
DIVORCED IN i 974 The Manns live in Cleveland. She re-
CHILDREN:None ceived a graduate degree in business administration
FAST-FORWARD: In I 974 he married Baroness Astrid von from Case Western Reserve University, where she now
Heyl; they have one child and live in Manhaan. He is works developing heal rh-care-information systems. He
VP of Forbes Inc.. the family firm, where he courts ad- is chief of obstetrics and gynecology at Cleveland's
vertisers. Sondra is now married to Willard Jaques; they Metro Health Medical Center.
have two children and live in Cold Spring Harbor. THE SECRET OF THEIR SUCCESS: "Compromise," she says.
Wiiî WENT WRONG: "I'm horrified to be part of the statis- "I've been flexible enough to move when he wants to.
tics. I was married before I He's been flexible enough to be able to fix the kids' din-
was 2 1 very stupid," says ner for seven years in a row when I was trying to finish
-T; Forbes. "For once our parents graduate schooland he moved me twice in the middle
were right." of it, so J went to three separate universities to get the
1991 INSIGHTS: "In 20 years," degree. Marriage is something that's not a throwaway
he says, " the perspective one commodity. Over the last 20 years there have been very

has on what has happened rocky times, but it's been a matter of sort of hunkering
I around one has changed. One (toWn and saying we'll get through this,"
; probably views with more STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: She's attached to an Irish li::cn

;71 horror some things and more tablecloth.

z toleration other things." WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Great-ran1dnilì-
, I
HER ON HIM: "I have been ap- tir of Prcsl(l(n( Taft

proached many times for certain

things, God knows, pertaining 44f ;t4
to the Forbeses, and I truly do not ever give an interview." STILL MARRIED
HIM ON HER: "I'd be very happy ifl saw her on the street. CHILDREN: Two, ages
I think her name is now Jaques." I 3 and i I


WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Son of notorious met when they both
wealth\? 1)iker worked at Young &
Rubicam, the Fields
4S ¿41 gje; * *4S a11t4t 4*14gt ÇO4JS did stints in Wash-
SEPARATED IN i 990 ington, D.C., and
CHILDREN: Two, ages 17 and 12; live with their mother Florida before settling
on Central Park West, not far from their father nine years ago in Ti-
FAST-FORWARD: She sells advertising; he is a lawyer. monium,Maryland. He is now with a Baltimore ad agen-
WHAT WENT WRONG: "I'm not blaming it on Manhattan, cy. She worked as a legal secretary until her chi!-
Fm not blaming it on her, I've stopped blaming it on dren were born and has been enrolled for four
myself," Mr. Kleinman says. "When people break up, years as an undergraduate at Towson State
anybody who believes it's totally the other person's :. University.

fault is as unwise as someone who believes it's all .

their fault. lt's not unilateral. But it's never fifty- i "Paul and I have an agreement: the first

011e who decides to leave has to take both


fifty, either." .

HIM ON HER: "I don't think there's a fight going on, but
¡ :

thechildren. Don't tell my kids."

were not socializing. She's a nice person. She's got nice
things about her, and she's got problems just like I (lo. '1.ja.* %j-Ia4Ii'.* ulIA ¿,&i.iaLetfs
Certainly she's bright, and I find her attractive, but I'm STILL MARRIED
not looking for reconciliation. When it's over, it's over." CHILDREN: Two, ages i 5 and I 3
1991 INSIGHTS: He says, "I consider myself a failure ro FAST-FORWARD: For eight years Mr. Hawn practiced law
a certain extent. I haven't accomplished as much as I at L)avis Polk & Wardwell while his wife was an assis-
thought I would, I haven't made as much money as I tant Manhattan district attorney. In 1979 they moved
thought I would. I haven't achieved any greatness. I to Minneapolis, where he works at an investment firm
:Ion't consider myself somebody who has a multitude of and she is starting her own floral business.
'riends.' STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: "We still use a quilt my sister
STATUS OF WEDDING GIFTS: "She has everythingthe made, " she says.
tpartment, the belongings." WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TEMES: Granddaughter of a
WHY THEIR WEDDING WAS IN THE TIMES: Daughter of man solicitor general of the U.S. and an Auchincloss; Le
with vague publishing connection Rosey; Andover)
4 (
( J
I JF, ' d
''II -
- -- _:jPIrl:i
- -4
It sure pays to know the secrets of the universe! Thanks
to the teachings of L. Ron Hubbardand despite the scorn of Wall
Streetthe Feshbach brothers have made millions and millions by
predicting disaster. The only troubles they didn't foresee were their own.

finance are those jackal-like investors who sell stocks short. Since the best thing that can
- happen from their point of view is for a company to go bankrupt, short sellers operate in
a kind of Wall Street Bizarro World, where everything is the opposite of what it should be: good
news is bad, bad news is good, and the stock charts all look like they've been turned upside down.
The life is strange and also lonely. The corporate and financial establishments hate short sellers be-
cause they undermine the boosterish optimism and rising stock prices that keep American busi-
nessmen happy and busy. Add to all this the fact that selling short is extremely risky, and it looks as
ifthe country's premier short sellers would occupy an adequately weird place in the cosmos.
For Joe, Matt and Kurt Feshbach, however, such a role is apparently not quite bizarre enough.
They not only have been wildly successful managing hundreds ofmillions ofdollars in the countrys
largest fund devoted exclusively to selling shortbuying Ferraris and horrifying CEOs along the
waybut also are members of the Church of Scientology. And not just any members, mind you
they have given at least $1 million to the Church, and Joe and Matt have
attained its highest ranking. That's right, they are Operating Thetan VJILc iJiJg a.*ø.s-
(Kurt is a mere OT VII, but he has spent most of the past year holed up
in Florida taking intensive instruction). All three of the Feshbach wives are auditors, or official Sci-
entology therapists, and their children regularly attend Scientology courses after school.
What is most surprising about the Feshbachs' storyto us infidels, anywayis that investing
according to principles of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard has worked spectacularly well


-investing according to the
worked spectacularly well
for them, at least until recently. In erating stock speculation, of an Indiana life-insurance holding
1985 the brothers, along with Dal- life has become particularly trying. company called Conseco Compa-
las investor Tom Barton, formed Don't buy a copy of Dianetkc and nies. Short sellers including the
Southgate Partners Ltd., a short- call your broker quite yet. Feshbach brothers started shorting
selling partnership. From 1985 this stock feverishly last fall, con-
until December 1990, Southgate ERE'S HOW A SHORT SELLER vinced by its heavy debt load and
had an extremely impressive corn- goes about making money what they saw as its screwy ac-
pound gross annual rate of return of "-4 after he has identified a counting that it was headed eventu-
39 percent. For the year ended De- stock whose price he's sure will ally for a big fall; most shorted the
cember 1990 alone, the gross return drop: First he borrows some shares stock at around $22 and then sat
was almost 58 percent, while the of the stock from a brokerage back happily as the stock dropped
s&P 500 Index finished the same house. Eventually the short seller quickly to $17. But then the stock
year down 3 percent. This has made will have to replace what he has headed upway, way up. It reached
such investors as Dreyfus Corpora- borrowed, but in the meantime he a high of $83.75 this year, before a
tion, the large mutual-fund-man- can do something wonderful with two-for-one split. Well, let's see: If
agement firm, very happy. The Fesh- his borrowed shares: he sells them you sold 10,000 shares of Conseco
bachs too: since they earn a fee of I in the open market and keeps the short at $22, you received $220,000.
percent of the assets under manage- proceeds. If his prediction is accu- To replace them at roughly $84 a
ment and keep 20 percent of the rate, the stock will dive in the share, you would have to pay
gains, and since they have a sub- coming weeks or months (losses, $840,000. That wouki make for a
stantial interest in the partnership product failure, embezzlementall tidy loss of more than half a million
themselves, the brothers together these are helpful). With the stock dollars.
must have made tens of millions of now much cheaper, the short seller Of course, a short who lost his
dollars in each of the last few years. buys the same number of shares nerve would have "covered" his po-
With 55 employees spread over that he borrowed and squares sition by buying the stock back
three offices in Palo Alto, Dallas and things with his broker. His profit well before it reached such heights.
Clearwater, the Feshbachs run prob- is the difference between the There is a catch to short selling,
ably the most feared short-selling amount he received when he sold and the Conseco case illustrates it
operation in the country; they have the shares and the amount he later nicely. As short seller Frederick
even driven corporate chairmen to paid when he replaced them. Real- "Shad" Rowe, general partner of the
ask Congress for legislative protec- ly, a short seller is just like any Dallas hedge fund Greenbrier Part-
tion from short-seller raids. other investorhe hopes to make ners, explains it, "While the risk on
With success comes imitation. money by buying low and selling the long side is limited by the fact
The profession of short selling has high. What's different about the that a stock can only go down to
become increasingly popular on short seller is that he reverses the zero, and so the investor can lose
Wall Street. The Feshbacbs have normal order. He sells high first, only 100 percent, the risk on the
been excellent role models, and the then lie buys low. short side is almost unlimited,
lesson many learned from the Octo- Let's suppose the Feshbachs have since a stock can go up theoretically
ber 1987 crash was that this calam- decided short the stock of some- to infinity." Almost unlimited risk is
ity represented paradise on earth for thing called, say, The Wendell the kind of thing that some peo-
one group of investors: those who Group Inc. They borrow 10,000 pie. . .oh, might tend to shy away
had sold short. For a generation shares from a broker and put up from. Not the Feshbachs. Through-
ráised on cynicism and skepticism some cash or stock as collateral. out Conseco's almost 400 percent
and a nonjudgmental flexibility They sell the shares, and if WGI is rise they held on to their short posi-
bordering on amoralityKurt is trading at around $100 a share, the tion. Sure enough, the stock price
39, Joe and Matt are fraternal twins Feshbachs receive $1 million. As- began to fall last summer, and the
a year youngerselling short has a sume the stock drops to $20 as the brothers believe they will make a
certai n i ntellectual honesty about expansion of WGI's information- great killing.
it. Short sellers don't merely expect service business fails miserably. The
the worstthey hope for it, and Feshbachs buy back the shares for " HE REASON JoE CAN'T FEEL
then back up their cynicism with $200,000, return them to the bro- the cold is because he's fat."
real money. Alas, the past few ker and make an $800,000 profit. _________That's Matt Feshbach ex-
months have been difficult .for all Things can go wrong. Take, for plaining to a visitor why his pudgy
the "shorts," and in the land of Op- example, the recent stock activity brother Joe is immune to the chill
principles of L. Ron Hubbard has
at least until recently
on a recent spring morning in Palo whose financial statements are got people mad was all the negative
Alto. It's the kind of banter, some based primarily on misleading in- company stories the brothers al-
of it charmingly adolescent (as formation. Using a rough version legedly planted with the financial
when they try to think up all the of the "short checklist" their ana- press to drive down the prices of
different ways ro incorporate the lysts still use today, the brothers stocks they were shorting.
word spy into casual conversation searched for what they only half "They manipulate the media,
with this resorter), that best char- jokingly called the "greater knowl- and they have journalists in their
acterizes the Feshbachs' manner. edge of truth" in a company's cash pocket to create damaged goods,"
They go out of their way ro appear flows, earnings, margins and sales sniffs H. J. Meyers & Co. analyst
relaxed, relaxed to the point of this worked brilliantly in the case Rafi Kahn, the author of some hy-
often seeming almost asleep; in- of Cannon Group, the high-flying perventilatingly favorable reports
deed, as Matt lies apparently resting film producer. Usi ng investigative- on Conseco, the Indiana insurer
on his office sofa after lunch, the reporting techniques ranging from (one headline read, HISTORY IN THE
only indication that he helps man- calling a company's competitors MAKING; FUNDAMENTALLY HUGELY
age $450 million worth of other and customers to hiring private de- ATTRACTIVE: AGGRESSIVE PURCHASE
people's money is his occasional in- tectives to dig up dirt, they uncov- RECOMMENDED).
tense stare at the flickering corn- ered fraud behind such infamous To the rest of the optimistic
puter screens on his desk. companies as the bankrupt Los An- world, professional shorts and their
As native Californians whose geles carpet cleaner ZZZZ Best party-pooping are almost un-Am-
background seems more like that of Inc. and American Continental, the encan. It just isn't nice to be pes-
surfers than that of financial mo- bankrupt parent company of simistic all the time. As anyone
guis, the Feshbachs come by their Charles Keating's S&L. who has lived through the 1980s
laid-back manner honestly. After Predictably, this new kind of in- knows, ours is a society reliant on
inauspicious academic careersJoe vestigative stock research enraged the power ofpositive thinking. "I'd
and Matt never finished college, corporate chairmen. It also infuriat- say people think that anytime a
while Kurt couldn't even bring ed the "longs," the brokerage-firm negative person attacks the econo-
himself to complete high school analysts whose inherently conflicted my or a company, that's bad for the
they knocked around California, job it is to issue objective research people who are working in it," as-
Kurt working as a diamond broker reports on companies whose stock serts Raymond Dirks, a financial
in Los Angeles and Matt and Joe their firm is trying to persuade the analyst at the New York brokerage
teaching tennis in Palo Alto. In public to buy. Securities analysts firm Baird, Patrick & Company and
1981 their father asked them to issue five "buy" recommendations a well-known bull. "Negativism
join his public-relations firm, for every "sell" recommendation, so just breeds more negativism, and
which specialized in representing their optimistic bias is evident. that'll tear you down."
small energy companies. Once set- The eagerness of the Feshbachs Meanwhile, the Feshbachs'
tled in Dad's office, the brothers to burst this convivial bubble of short-selling brethren are critical
stumbled upon their first candi- optimism and goodwill on Wall oftheir high profile in the press. "I
date for a short sale: an oil-and-gas Street made them exceedingly un- don't think this business lends it-
venture that had a $45 million popular with the bullish majority self to publicity," said one short
stock-market value despite low from the very startbut what really seller who, like practically all of
sales and lack of capital. the others reached for
After making a quick this story, refused to
360,000 shorting its be identified. "The
stock, the brothers were very best shorts are the
hooked, and in 19g2 ones you never hear
they began their own
stock-shorting firm,
using funds gleaned
from friends they asked
to be investors.
The Feshbachs soon
concentrated on uncov- _______
ering so-called fraud
stocks, those companies
srPiIiBiR 1991 SPY 55
Corporate executives people on
short sellers tear the Fe
about. It's just stupidyou ct the Heard on the Street column of over various employees' desks, pro-
yourself up as a target for the The Wall Street Jo#rnaI?" ducing a kind of eerie, shrinelike
bulls, and the companies from effect unusual even by California
which you are trying to get infor- CORPORATE EXECUTIVES, standards. Look closer and you'll no-
mation slam the door on you."
Worse still, in the eyes of the 'S people on Wall Street and
________ their short-selling compa-
t ICC the commemorative plaques
from the Church thanking the Fesh-
short world, is the brothers' delib- triots are afraid of the Feshbachs bachs for their dedicated work on
erate, Henry Kravislike flaunting have we mentioned that their em- behalf of Scientology, and the
of their wealththose Testarossas, ployees and former employees are, shelves crammed with the expen-
the million-dollar homes, the jet. too? Of more than two dozen peo- sively bound ten-volume sets of
In private as well as in public, the plc interviewed for this story, only Hubbard's office-management phi-
short-seller style reflects a loathing a handful would agree to be iden- losophy.
ofdisplay, and the mere mention of tified for fear of reprisals. "You The thing that gets most people,
the brothers' latest materialistic ex- don't understand," said one ex-em- though, is the E-Meters lying
cess can make even the toughest ployee. "I have to work in this around the place. Sitting three
short wince with embarrassment. business, and these guys are the abreast in individual Lucite cases in
of course, such extravagances are most powerful shorts. They have so Matt's office, for example, their
just the kind of thing shorts look many connections, they could pre- bronze veneers glinting malevolent-
for in a company on its way down. vent me from getting a job if they ly, these odd, oval-shaped metal ob-
Although the brothers vigorous- were pissed off at me. Besides, I've jects bristle with serious-looking
ly deny spreading false rumors heard lots of bad stories about what buttons, knobs and dials. If you've
about companies, they are Ire- happens to people who mess with never seen an E-Meter, and most
quently quoted in the press, claim- Scientologists." normal people haven't, you might
ing it is great free advertising, and Ah, yes, messing with the Scien- think it was some wacky electronic
they argue rather persuasively that tologists. gadget a mad scientist had invented
they have as much ola right to dis- Take a walk through the Fesh- to answer the questions of the uni-
cuss their research results with re- bachs' Palo Alto office and it's the verse. Which, ofcourse, it is.
porters as corporate public-rela- first thing that hits you as you look "Do you want to try one out?,"
tions people have to discuss their out over the analysts' cubicles and Joe Feshbach asks eagerly. "They
clients' news. "We're on the record computer screens of -
really work. " As Matt looks on in-
on purpose, in part to try to end the trading floor: all .. tently, Joe picks up the nearest
the notion that shorts are this those Cr'tPY blown- E-Meter and prepares, as Sci-
seedy, shifty little bunch who hide LIP photographs of entology describes the proce-
all the time," says Joe. "And wr I lubbard tacked dure. to "measure the men-
think making a legitimate tal state or change of state
effort to make the real of Horno sapiens." On
facts known about a corn-
pany is simply part of the
business. .

As for planting anony-
mous negative stories, Joe
flatly denies any such ac-
tivity. "We don't call re- , 1_
porters, but they often call
us," he claims. Whether
they plant stories or not,
there's no doubt the poten- this particular morning,
tial for press coverage plays
an important role in their
_r$! however, the visiting
I lomo sapiens is spared
evaluation of short candi- the process by the discov-
dates: one of the categories !t
cry that the E-Meter has
on their printed "short not been recharged recent-
checklist" ¡s "Would this ly and so is temporarily
company make a story for -
out of ordcr. Even God's
Wall Street andfeflow
shbachs. So do their employees.
tools, it seems, need batteries. the advertising slogan for the and that seems to describe the need
Scientology was founded around book). For us Scientology is great, for more efficiency: "One of the
1950 by Hubbard, who died in because it helps us to remain ana- biggest hidden expenses around
1986, to "clear" followers of bad lytical when others tend to panic." here can 1)e Dey-T. Handling
memories and unhappiness. The But it's not enough that they despatches more than once, mis-
Church has been convicted of bug- love itthey want everyone else to routing, not CSWing, not solving
ging and burglarizing government love it, too. Stockbrokers who do your own problems, verbal commu-
agencies and harassing former business with the brothers, for ex- nidations etc. eat up a lot of time,
members, and it has been accused ampie, frequently receive solid- effort. Please stamp out Dey-T in
of everything from financial scams tations from them to make do- your areas."
to driving a member to suicide. nations to the Church or to take Although Joe publicly mini-
Besides using the E-Meter, mcm- Scientology courses. "I don't give mizes tIRS role Scientology plays
bers are required to steep them- anything," says one broker. "But I when the brothers research a
selves in the reams of incomprehen- presume if they're giving you a lot prospective short stock, claiming it
sible Church literature written by of commissions, you do cough up. is merely a final factor considered
Hubbard. A sample insight taken It's not any different, really, from OflCC all the requisite analysis has
from Hubbard's best-selling hand- getting hit up by business contacts been done, ex-employees say its a
book, Dianetics: "Excreta are among for the opera or your college or significant force in the Feshbachs'
the easiest things to regulate by something.' investment thinking.
suggestion. Constipation can be It may be a little different from One such source points to the
caused or cured by positive sugges- the opera. Former employees claim case of ZZZZ Best, the Los Angeles
tion with remarkable speed and fa- the brothers engage in a relentless carpet-cleaning company first
cility. The urine can also be so con- campaign within the Feshbach shorted by the Feshbachs in 1987,
trolled. And so can the endocrine si's- offices to persuade workers to join as one instance when the Feshbachs
" Hubbard's the Church. "I believe that if you're applied Scientologywith spectac-
"management phi-
losophy" is equally profound. flot a Scientologist, you don't have ular results. After their initial re-
Here's some advice on how to han- a aiture at that firm," says one for- search showed the company had
die an office crisis: "Where a 1)an- mer employee. Adds another, questionable real business pros-
get Condition is assigned to a ju- William Ruby, "It's nothing but a pects, the brothers began shorting
nior, request that he or she or the recruiting ground for Scientology. the stock at $6. They subsequently
entire activity write up his or her You couldn't help but feel pres- discovered that one of ZZZZ Best's
overts (contra-survival actions) and sured to join the Church there. senior officers had been involved in
withholds (undisclosed contra-sur- There is a lot of pressure from the petty fraud and stayed with the
vival actions). . .and turn them in at brothers and the other Scientolo- company. As Joe Feshbach told spy,
a certain stated time on a basis that gists to take courses in it." a basic tenet of Scientology holds
the penalty for them will be less- Indeed, it does seem to require that criminal minds stay together;
ened but ifdiscovered later after the great strength to resist joining the another holds that a criminal mind
deadline it will be doubled. " And rest of the office crowd in Scientolo- will denounce whoever seeks to ex-
Hubbard on the key to financial gy, since the place operates as a pose it (ZZZZ Best had publicly
success: "Discover what caused the kind of Church outpost. About half denounced short sellers). These
condition of Affluence and strength- the staff consists of practicing were two reasons Joe himself gave
en it." Indeed, everything Hubbard Church members. Soon after arriv- spyfor the brothers' decision to
wrote or said is either totally mean- ing at the firm, new employees at- hang in with their gamble even
ingiess or completely, ludicrously tend mandatory Scientology semi- while the company's stock was
obviousbut then, maybe that ex- nars called "hatting college" (bat zooming as high as $10. (Another
plains why such celebrities as Sonny being Scientology-speak for job or tenet of Scientology is that the
Bono, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta responsibility) to receive instruc- criminal mind will destroy itself.
and Tom Cruise have joined the tions on carrying out their daily When asked if this played any part
Church over the years. duties and " to groove everyone in to in the Feshbachs' decision, Joe
The Feshbachs can't get enough the same management," Joe says. replied dismissively, "Not at all.")
of this stuff. "Hubbard was, like, Interoffice memos are regularly Ultimately, ZZZZ Best chairman
" Have written in the strange language of Barry Minkow was convicted of
amazing," says Joe fervently.
you read Dianetics? It is the owner's Scientology, as in this note that re- embezzling millions from the corn-
manual of the human mind [this is cently circulated through the office pany, and the Feshbach brothers
i__ : -ToIose S33OrniIIion in six
months is..a problem
made about $7 million from their ing. But having that much money was invited to take home a box of
investment by the time the compa- meant they were forced to move be- chocolates made by a Feshbach-
ny finally went bankrupt in 1987. yond their specialty of uncovering owned chain of chocolatiers. Ex-
But applying Scienmiogy to the "fraud stocks" and into the more plains Joe, "We were just trying to
market has backfired on the broth- risky territory of shorting Fortune be nice. " Perhaps most worrisome,
ers, too. Another former employee 500 companies. As one competing in May the Feshbachs told investors
claims that when the Feshbachs short seller explains it, "Shorting they were withdrawing $7 million
originally shorted L.A. Gear, the these companies requires a purer of their own money from the part-
California sneaker-maker, in 1987, type of analysis than what the Fesh- nership, reportedly to pay income
their logic was based at least in part bachs are used to. Bigger, older taxnot the sort ofact that inspires
on the rumor that certain execu- companies are in many ways harder confidence in your partners.
tives in the company were drug to short, since they are usually real Rather than weaken the Fesh-
users. Since Scientologists consider companies with established records bachs' devotion to Scientology,
drug-taking one of lif&s great evils, and businessesthe research is more however, the recent troubles have
the Feshbachs were said to be con- analytical and less oriented toward reinforced it. As Joe says, "We have
vinced the company would falter. private-detective-type work.' faced a considerable variety of po-
(Joe Feshbach downplayed this The competitor may have a tential points of pressure. . . . Scien-
reasoning to SPY."That was a point point. In the last year alone the tology has helped us keep an ana-
of interest,' he said. "That was not Feshhachs have taken multimillion- lytical perspective on the whole
why we were shorting it. ") The dollar losses shorting such large cap- thing. They still spend a lot of
stock, however, suddenly leapt up- italized companies as Wells Fargo time in their Clearwater office,
ward, and the Feshbachs took at Bank, News Corporation and Gold- which they opened in 1987 to be
least an 80 percent loss on their $8- en Valley Microwave Foods. In each close to the Scientology yacht. You
million investment. They recently case a sudden event proved their bet can even catch Matt, reportedly the
returned to shorting L.A. Gear; wrong: superinvestor Warren Buí- most zealous Scientologist of the
given the company's July announce- fett disclosed a 9.8 percent stake in three, currently posing on the in-
ment of a second-cuarter loss, they Wells Fargo, News Corporation's side cover of the paperback Dianet-
may be setting themselves up to Rupert Murdoch sold offmost of his ic_c. Sporting a snappy bow tie and
overcome their earlier setback. magazine group to Kohlberg Kravis claiming that Scientology helps
Roberts, and Golden Valley merged him stay calm, Matt appears at the
INVESTOR MAKES MIS- with ConAgra. bottom of a list of Church zealots
takes, and the L.A. Gear Accordingly, times have been that includes Judy Norton-Taylor,
debacle doesnt matter tough around the Feshbachs' offices. the actress who played Mary Ellen
much when you consider that in Several investors apparently pulled on the television series The Wa/toni,
1989, Southgate Partners gained 19 their money from the partnership at and has-been jazz musician Chick
percent. Unfortunately, in 1991 the the end the second quarter. The Corea. The caption under Matt's
failures have multiplied, and South- brothers discontinued the catering picture reads, "Clear since 1975."
gate, which ended last year with service, whose costs had run as high Wall Street has become an ad-
$850 million under management, as $16,000 a month, that had pro- mirably tolerant place. No one
was down 39 percent in the first vided free meals to the office staff. much cares anymore who you are or
half of this year. To lose $330 mil- In February a memo circulated in what you believe in as long as you
lion, or two-fifths ofyour capital, in Palo Alto decreeing that Perrier make money. But when things go
six months is. . .a problem. All the water was thenceforth reserved for badly, your strange notions and be-
shorts suffered in the postGulf the general partners only; the rest havior loom larger. Wall Street is
War stock-market rally, but the of the staff was to ride out the cost- watching the Feshbachs, and what
Feshbachs have taken a much worse cutting with mere Calistoga water. the brothers perceive as their great-
beating than most. The jet was put up for sale. Then, est strength may indeed turn on
After almost a decade of tough- last summer, 14 employees were them. 'I think their Scientology will
ing out the vagaries of the market laid off. In a particularly unpleasant be an issue for them if their results
with the other feared and loathed episode, two of those who were let don't pick up," says one New York
Wall Street shorts, the Feshbachs go were hauled into Joe's office and short seller. "It's okay to be eccentric
last year found themselves sitting on fired in front ofeach other. Still, the and successful. It's not okay to be cc-
top of more money than theyd Feshbachs have feelings: before centric and unsuccessful. Investors
probably ever dreamed of manag- leaving the firm, each fired worker don't like to look like fools.")
Madonna: Immaculate Carreras. Domingo. BLack Crowes: Shake VaniIÌi Ice To The Hank Wiltiams, Jr.: Steve Winwood: Sinéad O' Connor: I Do
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Ta k

Salesperson, Dozen

Town Again
To the reader: It is frankly terrifying to consider that if he hod not been required to pass the cement-mason exam, Henry AI-
ford would be repairing cornices. Underqualified readers of this magazine pose a similar danger to the public safety, and so
we have devised the i 991 SPY Aptitude Test. Each section of this story is followed by a question. Mark all of your answers on
the separate answer card and mail it to us by September 1 4, 1 991 . We will send you your results. Work rapidly withoul
sacrificing accuracy. Guessing will not improve your score. If you cannot answer a question, maybe you should be reading
Rolling Stone. Please begin reading now.

not need to worry about becoming "certified" and filling in computer-readable answer bubbles with a No. 2
pencil and responding "true" or "false" on a psychological test to the statement "I like tall women' No, a black-
smith was a blacksmith because he was a blacksmith; chandlers chandled and wheelwrighrs wrought wheels. In
today's superrationalized, postindustria! world, however, you may be obliged to pass a test in order to cua!ify
for almost any money-making pursuit. There is a Certified Picture Framers examination. There is an American
Council on Exercise aerobics-instructor test. Bobby Zarem takes up the story at this point.
"It's a sad commentary that I can get through Andover and Yale and not pass the press-agent test:' said the
New York public-relations demigod earlier this year when he failed the Association ofTheatrical Press Agents
and Managers' three-hour written and oral test. Zarem's 26 years of representing such clients as Caddyshack Il
and Jackie Collins were as nothing before the hard, cold fact of his poor performance on a standardized test.
An ATPAM spokesperson commented, "It's the equivalent of failing the bar exam'
In an attempt to identify exactly what employers and professional organizations are looking for in their em-
ployees and members, I took 31 tests this winter and spring. I took official
()() SPY SEI'iEMBITR 19<)I
md Fail the Tests for CIA Agent, Floral Designer, Cement Mason,
Morebut Qualify for a Career as a Psychic

or practice tests for bartenders, floral designers, travel agents and postal-machine mechanics; tests for addiction
specialists, geologists, foreign-service officers and ÇIA agents. (I did not take the exam for state troopers, however,
having been offended by sorne of the questions in a preparation guide for that test: "When driving a full-sized
car, are you tall enough to see over the steering wheel?"; "When standing next to a full-sized car, can you easily
see over the top?" The writers of the test seemed to suspect that I was a dwarf.) My performance on al! the tests
was very disappointing. I expected them to challenge me, hut I was perhaps inadequately prepared for their rigor,
and indeed, I experienced renewed admiration for those who actually become bartenders and CIA agents. There
is not yet a test for freelance writers, of course. It occurs to me that perhaps this is just as well.

:1. The main purpose of this passage is to

(A) explain that the author is not a dwarf (C) give a history of the Industrial Revolution
(B) give Caddyshack II some publicity (D) explain that Jackie Collins is not o dwarf


The Peoples
A w a r d s
The Best ol the Food-Service-Supervisor

Test, the Travel-Agent Exam and More!

The painter of theatrical scenery Who ¡S the entryway. Inside the studio the test's ''-
interested in gaining admittance into organizers had marked out some 45
Local 829, the United Scenic Artists, roughly five-by-five-foot painting areas
fits into one of two categories. Track A on long rolls of muslin that were stapled
is for scenic artists with two or more to the floor. I picked a SPOt and unloaded
years of professional experience; Track my supplies. The other candidates,
B is for people with "more traditional most ofwhom were in their twenties or
design and/or painting skills:' Deciding thirties, were hunched over their areas 1

that my own painting history had been of canvas, applying grids. Just before
more traditional, I applied for the latter. 9:00 we gathered round, and one of the ,j1I t

For Track B admission into the union, union members gave us a short speech J, .-."

one must simply pay $150, successfully in which she welcomed us to the Track
complete a Home Project and pass a B exam and told us to "relax and enjoy" Although few vocational
studio painting test. ourselves but explained that if we tests are as curious as
The Home Project involved painting didn't stop painting at 5:00, one of the Minnesota
two reproductions - one ola door draped the test's organizers would take the
Multiphasic Personality
with striped material, the other a still paintbrushes from OUf hands. Various Inventorythat test,
life ofa copper jug and fruit. I will not colors ofpaint in three palettesMuralo used in the past by
pretend that these selections were not latex, Iddings casein and Rosco Super nuclear-power plants,
disappointing to mc. I had been hoping Saturated acrylicwere set out for us
among other employers,
for something like a backdrop for The in 50 plastic buckets at the far end of
requires applicants to
Pajama Garne. the studio.
respond "true," "false"
On the Saturday of the eight-hour When we returned to the work area, or "cannot say" to
studio test I arrived at the basement of each of us had a sealed manila envelope statements such as
the Capital Cities/ABC building at West lying on his canvas. Opening the envelope "Peculiar odors come to
End Avenue and 66th Street. At 8:30 revealed a lovely watercolor ofa goldfish. me at times"all these
a.m. I stacked my rolled-up paintings After I had gridded my muslin, I walked exams have their own
on top ofthe other candidates' work in over to the paint area and filled nine -.-+
particular logic and


small plastic containers with different of last year's.
colors of Muralo. As I was carrying "I'm crazy about this guy's work:'
some of these back to my work area a I whispered, pointing to the Russian on
male candidate in and a gray my left.
work shirt came up beside me. His self- "Yes, it's nice he offered.
confidence was nervous-making. Very Track A' I said. "My work
"I see you're using the Muralo' he said. feelsflat to me. It - it doesn't quite
. .

"Yes:' i said, slightly defensively. come up off the canvas'

"How come?" "Yes' he said warily. "You lost some
I had chosen Muralo because there of the water effects you had going. If

C .
r /'\ " d' '

Scene ii: An aquarIum.

The painting test had been fewer people in line ir it. it'd been me, I would've avoided everything
raised the nagging
But I did not want to reveal my motive but the Super Saturates'
question "What play
calls for a goldfish?" to this man. "How come?:' i asked.
"I, uh . . I like a paint with a little
. "The undercolor doesn't work up
spankfactor in it:' I said. This confused on you'
the man, and he went away. I nodded in agreement.
As I Painted I found it difficult to At the end of the exam I spoke to a
capture the gauzy effects of watercolor. smiley organizer.
The man to my left, a Russian, was "Do you like mine?:' I asked.
getting wonderful results with many "Yes, you did a nice job:' she said.
thin washes ofcolor. I emulated his "Everyone else's is much better than
style with some success. mine'
At 1:10, although no one else seemed "No, you dici fine'
to be eating, I ate the lunch the union's "I have problems with undercolors'
guidelines had suggested I bring. I chose I confided. "I have an undercolor
not to conclude my meal with any of problem:'
the Pecan Sandiesthe union local had "Well, if you fail the test, you can
provided, loath as I am to eat anything always take it again' she said.
served by someone who has just opened "You, uh, do you think I'll fail?"
and stirred several hundred gallons of "I can't tell you that:' she said warmly.
paint. At about 4:10 I decided to chat Three days later I received a form
up OflC ofthe organizers. He told me letter telling me that I had failed. There
that the work of this year's group of was no mention made of an undercolor
candidates was much better than that problem.

2. It can be inferred from this passage that Russians

(A) ore not familiar with The Pajama Game (C) make the author happy
Ldo not have problems with undercolors (D) make the author hungry

(;_, sv SEPTEMBER 1991

so ou WANT TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST charm. The following
In addition to a two-hour-long written Valentine announced that we would questions were culled
test that includes questions on break for lunch. Four girls swarmed from actual exams,
bacteriologç trichology and histologç around the wig dryer beside me. The official sample exams
aspiring cosmetologists in New York wig dryer was a wooden cabinet that and published
State must pass a three-hour-long maintained a constant temperature preparation guides. They
practical exam. Hying myself to the of several hundred degrees. The girls are odorless.
busy, dark premises of the Wilfred opened it Uj) and pulled out Tupperware BRIDGE- AND- TUNNEL
Beauty Academy at Broadway and 51st containers full of the chop suey and
Street, an institution redolent of singed rice-and-beans that would serve as
Assume that, while an
hair and perfumy fluorocarbons, I took their lunch.
Officer is collecting a toll
the first four parts of a mock version of After lunch we finger-waved. According
from a motorist, the
the exam. to Ms. Valentine, finger-wavingthe Officer sees a child tied
About 30 students in white lab coats process by which one molds hair into
up in the rear of the car.
were taking the test. The inStructor, even, 1930s-style ridgesis the most Of the following, the
Ms. Valentine, was a reaI middle-aged difficult part ofthe exam: "Sometimes
best thing for the Officer
Hispanic woman with luxuriant blond students just break down crying during to do is to
hair the empress dowager of Wella ¡e:' She gave me a plastic bottle of
(A) ignore what has been
Balsam. She barked out the command finger-waving lotion - a sticky, viscous
seen and continue
to begin the first part of the exam - substance evocative of whipped spit.
"Comb-out!"and urged us to be I labored diligently during this 20- collecting tolls
(B) try to delay the car
assiduous about "relaxing the set' minute portion of the exam; although
and signal for assistance
Upon seeing that other students were I vas unable to create the plates and
(C) reach into the car
"eflilating" (teasing) their mannequin ridges of hair with which the other
and untie the child
heads' hair with combs, I followed suit; students were transforming their heads
(D) tell the driver that he
but upon snagging and almost breaking into what looked like well-lubricated
cannot use the bridge
one of the comb's teeth in the resulting armadillos, I was able to create a mottled,
unless he unties the child
tangle, I began again with a brush. wavy look that had its own eerie beauty.
When a bell sounded after 25 minutes, At the conclusion of testing, I asked TELEPHONE MAINTAINER
I had fashioned a sort ofchurning mass to see my exam score sheet. Ms. Valentine Spitting is prohibited in
of blondness - Gunther Gebel-Williams smiled bleakly and somewhat maternally. subway cars mainly to
after straying too close to an air duct. I had scored a 30 out ofa possible 50 (A) encourage politeness
For the hair-shaping portion of the on the comb-out; next to the score was (B) prevent spread of
exam, I was given a water sprayer, plastic written "Too fluffy" and "Removed by disease
clips, shears and a female mannequin brushing' Next to my 30 out of a (C) reduce the cost of
head with long, straight brown hair. possible 50 on the hair shaping, Ms. cleaning cars
Handing me an illustration of a head of Valentine had written "Poor' She had (D) prevent slipping
hair sectioned into four quadrants and not even bothered to score the permanent.
one encircling fringe, Ms. Valentine waving or finger-waving sections. She
explained that I would have 30 minutes explained that a passing grade on each The expression "caveat
to "section, remove excess bulk and section was 35. emptor" means most
blend' This was a tall order. Ms. Valentine "So Im not ready for my own salon:' nearly
slunk down the aisle four times, each I said. (A) beware of the dog
time yelling a new command: "Razor!" "The comb-out and hair shaping (B) let the buyer beware
were the only parts that were close to (C) let the seller beware
"Blunt cutting!" "Effilating!" "Thinning
shears!" (D) beware of cave-ins
passing. Ifyou did the comb-out part
In the 20 minutes given for the again, I think you would get it' FBI SPECIAL AGENT
permanent-waving segment of the exam, "Yes, I felt good about that part:' You are a Special Agent
I resectioned the hair and then, using I said. UBut will someone hire me if assigned to work as an
wee, slippery pieces of tissue paper, put I can only do comb-outs?" undercover agent against
about one-third of it up in curlers. At "Don't worryyou will not be hired the Cuban intelligence
the conclusion of the segment, Ms. service. In the case, you
will be used as a dangle,
3. According to this passage, which of the someone deliberately
following is NOT part of hair shaping: drawing attention of the
(A) blunt cutting (C) crisping hostile intelligence
(B) effilating (D) removing excess bulk service. What is the -


On a lovely, balmy day early this spring, to "Do you shop here often?" and "As a
I went to Macy's and filled out a job child I was always the one who tried to
application. I claimed to have been a keep the class quiet when the teacher
salesperson for four years at someplace left the room:' However, when asked, "If
called The Brookfield Shop in West there is no one else around to notice
Brookfield, Massachusetts. The what you are doing, do you always pick
application asked, "What businesses, up the paper and trash others leave
jobs, or professions dø you know about around?' I answered no, fearful that I
from having a close friend or relative might seem irksome or fascistic.
who worked in them?" Anticipating When I handed in my booklet and
what kind of answer would endear me answer sheet, the woman who took
tO the personnel people, I instantly them from me thanked me and said
thought of my sister and wrote, "Nurse' that someone would call soon. But I did
ncn, when asked to elaborate UOfl not receive a phone call. Two months
what the best features of that job were, later I called the personnel department
i simply jotted down, 'Helping people and was told that applications are good
get bettcr'; when asked what the worst for only 30 days and that I should
features were, I wrote, "Watching people reapply. "We'll be needing more people
die." lr response to "What are some for Mother's Day,' a woman told me,
things you didn't like about jobs you've Upon returning I filled out a second
had?" I made obsequious comments application in much the same way as
about "too much downtime" and the I had before. The chief difference was
like. that when asked again about jobs I was
The personable young woman who familiar with, I thought of my other
took ¡ny application asked if I had time sister and wrote, "Primate Center
to fill out another form. I readily Manager' When asked what the best
obliged her. features of the job were, I wrote,
The second form was a booklet with "Overseeing staff, organizing events";
40 multiple-choice, yes/no and true/false when asked what the worst features
questions about my personality and were, I wrote, "Seeing chimps die:'
behavior. I was often unsure how to I was not asked to take a personality
respond. I answered in the afrmative test. I did not receive a phone call.

4. According to the author, a lesson to be learned from history is that

(A) persistent and direct confrontation is (C) it is as impossible to change
Justa Trim! Clifford usually necessary to bring about individuals as it is to change
puts the qrrrr in significant social change society
grooming. Actually, (B) any efforts to implement reforms in order (D) nobody is impressed by The
those mats are
kind of attractive. to benefit society are doomed to failure Brookfield Shop

( How was I going to explain calmly to
11r .

(JI.SS a friend's cocker spaniel that I was

taking him to the Holiday Inn at Newark
airport in order to groom him for the
National Dog Groomers Association of
America's certification test?
There was no way. Unfortunately, the
tt' paunchy, five-year-old Clifford is
particularly irritable - he is the dog

JI j I
,J :
(,: &/
equivalent of Broderick Crawford in an
ill-fitting suitso I had special reason
/1 \

to worry about his cooperation during

;; 7?
the exam. In one respect, however,
Clifford was the natural choice: he had
at least thc cight weeks' hair growth that along a few extra supplies: clamping most important part of
the test required. Clifford's mouth shut with one handS
your assignment?
ClifFord stayed with me the night I pulled a lipstick from my bag with (A) To be a good actor so
before the test. He spent most ofhis visit the other and proceeded to smear my that the Cubans will
barking at my refrigerator. At 5:45 a.m. snarly friend's snout with Clinique's really believe that you
we awoke and drove to the Holiday Inn Citrus Pink. When I saw that another are Cuban
Jetport, where I told the two judges that cocker spaniel's ears were being clipped (B) To study Spanish
I was the owner of a dog salon in the so unattractively "clean and close" that I three weeks prior to your
West Village called Ruff Trade. The test could see the veins underneath, I placement to perfect
was being conducted in the Frank Borman applied a generous daub of alcohol-free your accent
Roomchairs had been stacked on the Dep styling gel to Clifford's left ear and (C) To immediately offer
side and large sheets of plastic taped to then curled several of the long tufts of money to a Cuban
the carpetingbut I nervously guided hair on his ear up into a curler. While intelligence officer since
Clifford into the adjacent Chuck Yeager waiting for this to set, I applied two he will sense you are not
Room for some last-minute tweaking. liberal coats of Hai Karate cologne to a Cuban
Several minutes later I took Clifford his back and midsection.
into the testing room, easing him onto SANITATION WORKER
My methods were wholly uninteresting
the grooming table just as the younger to the judges and other groomers, four You are flushing the
judge began circling the room with a of whom were having a passionate street with a hose.
clipboard to inspect each ofthe nine discussion about bringing one's children Accidentally, you spray a
along on the dog- and cat-show circuits. few drops of [treated
prospective groomers' dogs. After putting
her nose up to Clifford's side and inhaling, "That's the only thing about cat cages, river waten on a passing
she palpated his ears. Clifford grumbled said one woman. "You can't fit a kid pedestrian, who glares at
ominously. "Your dog has mats' she said. in there' you. Of the following,
It was true. I had neglected to comb "Bet me' another countered. "Bet m the best procedure is to
them out the evening before. "That's My friend Donna has a Siamese and tell the pedestrian
she tours constantly, and I've seen her (A) to look where he is
part of my grooming process' I
explained to the woman. She made a put her kid in one. Easy' going
note on her clipboard. At the conclusion of the hour-and-a- (B) that it was not your
Seconds later she announced the half exam period, the younger of the fault
commencement ofgroorninz. The room two judges picked up her clipboard and (C) that you are sorry
'hirred to life with the buzzing of made her way over to Clifford and me. (D) that he has no
electric clippers. I took my clippers Silently she ran my comb through business crossing in the
and, running them along Clifford's side Clifford's hair. She lifted his right ear. middle of the street
and back, discovered that this activity She lifted his left ear. (E) to keep his dirty
was not entirely pleasurable to him. "You hardly cut any of his hair' looks to himself
He growled loudly. The National Dog she said.
Groomers Association of America's "I know:' i responded. "This is what
How do you feel about
Breed Profile for the cocker spaniel I call a Lite Groom'
advises that one closely trim "the folds She looked at me suspiciously. Then being a potential target
of terrorist andor
in the lower jaw area (flews), where the she went back to the older judge and
hair is apt to hold saliva"; I considered whispered in her ear. The older judge opposing intelligence
doing so, but decided that I was not was a muscular, compact woman
eager to see Clifford's reaction to my who seemed to be perpetually on the Explain, in 50 words or
applying electricity to his saliva. Then, boil. After raking my comb through less, what role you feel
for reasons unclear to me even now, Clifford's right hindquarter, she said the U.S. should play in
I decided it was time to work on Clifford's in a forceful tone, 'This is totally the world.
mats. Picking up my comb, I lifted his unacceptable"
left ear. But as I touched the comb to She continued to look him over, Essay: There is an
the hair behind his ear, Clifford snarled wincing as she fully beheld the lipstick. important piece of
and lifted his upper left lip, revealing '1, uh . . . I was trying to capture a sense information in a desk on
a glistening incisor. ofthe unexpected' I offered. the fourth floor of a
His behavior was distressing. There "No, I'm sorry, this dog is not locked building after
seemed to belittle that Clifford was going acceptable. You should familiarize hours. What do you do?
to allow me to do to him, but surely yourself with our Breed Profiles:' She You have 30 seconds to
I would fail the test ifmy dog experienced looked again at the Citrus Pink. put down everything you
no change in his appearance. Fortunately, "It's lipstick:' I said. "It's my grooming can think of.
I had had the presence of mind to bring signature. I like a dog with a face'
I received a zero Ofl the test. The men's cologne. Both the critique and the
official critique of my work included older judge encouraged me to review
the comment "Dog smells doggy' the Association's Breed Profiles and to
I declined to point out that this was attend more dog shows.
unlikely since the dog was wearing We drove home in silence.

5. Which of the following statements concerning Clifford is/are

supported by this passage:
I. He is the dog equivalent of Richard Widmork in an ill-fitting suit.
Il. Citrus Pink is his "high" color.
Ill. He is Donna's child.
(A) I only (B) Il only (C) Ill only
(D) I and Il only (E) Il and Ill only


One Saturday I waited outside Seward have the most similar purposes: (a)
Park High School, on Grand Street, to strike off rod and bull float; (b) edger
take the written civil-service test for and jitterbug; (c) bull float and darby;
cement masons. The man standing (d) groover and darby, I reflected that

Mason Diction:
"You gotta either know
somebody or know
somebody who knows
somebody. It's all mob.
Completely mob-run.
Hey, what's the proper
tucking tool to prevent

in front of me in line wore a shirt that the tools all sounded like popular dance
said KISS A BRICK; he had much to say steps of the thirties and forties; however,
about the storage of po'er tools. my subsequent search for mentions of
The test consisted of 80 questions. the Trunky Doo was completely in vain.
I did not know what screeding was. Since taking this test, I have spent
When asked "Which two ofthese tools more time thinking about sidewalks.

6. Select the lettered pair that BEST expresses a relationship

similar to that expressed in the original pair.
(A) shillelagh:cudgel (C) turnstone:corncrake
(B) gorget:brassard (D) broderick:crawford


When a friend called from Miami to tone made me think my vocational
tell me that he had read about an ship had finally come in. I called the
organization that certifies psychics, Florida phone number he had left on
something about his calm and assured my machine and spoke to an employee
ofthe Universal Centre in Cassadaga. \ r' 'J What do you think the
A seminar center with an extensive
i' CIA does?
metaphysical bookstore, the Universal
Centre has at least three psychic readers
A douche is not used to
who are available from 10:00 a.m. to
(A) cleanse
5:00 p.m. every day on the premises or
from 10:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. over the (B) reduce congestion
(C) arrest hemorrhages
phone (MasterCard, Visa and American %4\ (D) increase nervous
Express accepted). tension
I told Dr. E. M. Sekunna, the founder,
that I was a psychic who had been giving FOOD-SERVICE
readings for seven years and that I was or something from the Pyrenees - but SUPERVISOR
interested in obtaining certification. He it's some kind blue cheese' The best definition of a
explained to me that people who wish "Well, I enjoy all kinds of cheese:' hc "Dressed" fowl is one
to become readers at the Centre must explained. "It's what I think I shouldn't that is
give an accurate reading for either him eat so much oC' (A) killed, bled, and
or one of the other Centre members; "I'm also sensing that the underside plucked
upon successful completion of this, the of tables is perhaps something that (B) killed, bled, plucked,
candidates "work with" and train under fascinates you' and singed
Dr. Sekunna for a period ofmontlis or "The underside of tables?" (C) killed, bled, plucked,
even years. "Yes, the underside of things,' I singed, and trussed
I asked Dr. Sekunna if I could give continued calmly. "From a dog (D) killed, bled, plucked,
him a reading over the phone. perspective.' singed, trussed, and
"Sure' he said. This seemed to give him pause. But government inspected
I paused dramatically. then, finally: "Yes, I'm an investigator in
life. I like to see what's on the bottom as BUILDING CUSTODIAN
"I'm sensing that something happened
with an older woman you know within well as what's on the top' In dealing with the
the first two months of this year. I'm hot When I had finished my reading, Dr. public, a Building
sure ifitwas a positiveor negative thing, Sekunna told me that I was "very highly Custodian should be
but the nature of your relationship (A) indulgent
changed as a result of this event ...... Twelve days later Dr. Sekunna called (B) courteous
Dr. Sekunna said nothing. back. Saying he had been looking over (C) disagreeable
"Orange," I said. "It's a - it's a color that my chart, he tried to encourage me (D) unavailable
has become important to you. lt was to go to Florida and take five hours of TRAVEL AGENT
not until very recently. . . . palmistry lessons with him for $100. If What are the Tropics?
"That's true. You'll find that a lot of those went well, I could then continue (A) A hot-blooded tribe
Eastern mystics and yogis use the color training for "a month or two' in New Guinea
orange in their spiritual work. If I were "The more I've been thinking about
(B) Daily travel news
going to wear a robe, it would be orange' you, the more I realize you're a touch
"I'm seeing a little man with a beard person' he said. "Ifwe work on that (C) Belts of the earth on
who is living not in the hollow of a tree, sensitivity that you already have, and each side of the equator
but very close. He's very in touch with then add palmistry skills, we have the
the woods. He is a sort of modern ability to have you make four or five FLORAL DESIGNER
leprechaun. He has bells on his shoes' hundred dollars a week:' The proper technique for
"I'll try to explain that one to you' Having asked me if I am "locked into selling floral designs
Dr. Sekunna said, and he proceeded to New York' he then explained that he involves
tell me about a Centre member who had hoped to open another Centre soon. (A) ignoring customers
moved from Miami to the more rural "This is exciting' I said. "And would when they are waiting
Cassadaga area. 'You look at this guy OU see me at this new Centre, or do for service
and you want to call him a leprechaun. you think maybe there would be a spot (B) being assertive,
He's got an impish type of personality' opening up at the current Centre?" taking no nonsense from
I was warming to this endeavor. "I'll have a slot for you one way or the the customer
"I'm sensing. . . I'm sensing cheese' I other' (C) treating the
intoned. "I'm not sure if it's a Roquefort Call me psychic. ) customer the way you
would want to be treated
7. Anwer true or false: (D) calling the customer
"I would soy that I orn a sort of modern leprechaun." "honey" or "dear"

SEPTEMBER 1991 $pY(,7

Imaginegoing out for a burger and friesI and sitting next to Bruce and Demi! Imagine meeting friends

for coffeeand bumping into Kevin Costner! Imagine entering what you think is a New York

restaurantand stumbling into a theme park created by the guy who did the sets for Batman! Imagine giving

away still more of your leisure dollars to actor-impresarios Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone!

York publicist hadn't looked deep inside himself, examined a life spent hypingJackie Mason, Cher
and Pee-wee Herman, and concluded that death was preferable to another evening working the
tables at Elaine's. Nor had he been pushed to the brink by the umpteenth person to accost him
and say, "Hey, you look just like Larry from the Three Stooges!" he likes that. What had moved Zarem to near-
suicide was a photograph in People: "There's a huge picture ofBruce Willis riding an elephant at the circus. He's
wearing a PLANET HOLLYWOOD cap, but it's turned facing the other way, so you can't tell what it is!"
This was a precious chance lost for Zarem and Planet Hollywood, the upcoming $15 million restaurant on

West 57th Street, just down the block from the Hard Rock Cafe. As envisioned by its backers, Planet Hollywood
will be the movie-star hangout in New York, a place where ordinary folk will have the opportunity to mingle
with stars such as Willis, Schwarzenegger and Stallone while eating burgers and pasta in a breathtakingly spec-
tacular cinematic environment.
What separates this dream from those of most hyperbolic club impresarios is the restaurant's pedigree: the
three actors are actually investors in the place, having agreed to exchange capital and personal appearances for
a cut of the profits: Keith Barish, a movie producer of middling success and some upper-middlebrow repute
(Sophiec Choice, Irünweed, Light ofDay). is the instigator of the project and an investor; Anton Furst, the set de-
signer best known for his work on Tim Burton's Batman, is in charge of the restaurant's design which is bud-
geted at $8 million. (Zarem is also an investor and will get i percent ofthe profits, he says, "because I have some
authorship ofthe concept here') Plans for a half-dozen more Planets worldwidesequels, ifyou willare under
way well before a single turkey burger haS hit the griddle (and, for that matter, before the griddle has been in-
stalled). According to one Zarem press release, Planet, scheduled to open in September, will be nothing less
than a "world-wide cultural plenomenon."
(:otiIeieritirg the visual splendor and star power will be a 90-seat and Planet is "like an art movie vs.
state-of-the-art screening room downstairs, office space for rcnr upstairs, a tal Recall. We have customers in-
. . .

function room and adjacent VIP room and. most important, a boutique terested in them.relves, and in dinne;
ofultradesirabk Planet Hollywood merchandise. Already Zarern has senr Planet Hollywood, on the othcr
logoed T-shirts, sweatshirts, caps, terry-cloth robes and leather jackets to hand, will he "the knock-down. drop-
hundreds ofpublic ligures, from Kim Basinger to Wayne Grerzky to Eddie dead hangout ofall tirne' says Zarem
Murphy to Swify Lazar to Sam Shepard to George Bush - the idea being with an absolutely straight face. "We
that ifenough famous people pUl)JiCly sport their Planet Hollywood togs, vill have the hottest, most beautiful
there vill ensue a mass acquisitive frenzy like the one that motivates peo- models, the chic-est social peopk.
plc to spend $10 million a year on Hard Rock merchandise in New York any star in 1-lollywoodas well as
City alone. 'People have started to fucking wear the sweatshirts, all this people from Columbus, Ohio. . . . I

shit, all over the country says Zarein. "Harry Hamlinhis girlfriend, dont mean ro sound like an asshok.
Nicolette Sheridan, has a jacket, and I promised him one as soon as J get But it's been in all of our bones for
some more!" The degree to which the public will imitate the stars' sartorial years. When I tell People the ide:1,
choices will play a big role in Plane Hollywood's fortunes. Unlike the people can't fucking-cock-shit-ass
Hard Rock. where the '[shirts and baseball caps began as an afterthought, imagine why nobody's done it beforc'
Planer is counting heavily on merchandise sales to recoup its backers' in-
vestment. Barish expects Planet to break even in 12 to 18 months. "We look "Welcome to Planet Hollywood' says
at the Hard Rock's numbers, Barish says, "and think we'll surpass them' a cheerful young woman in a skirt
At first blush Planet Hollywood seems suspiciously like a no-bramer much too short for this raw Februar
remake of the Hard Rock, of which Zarem used to be publicist, with film day. "Want a hard hat" Although
references substituted for rock 'n roll ones, "I don't mind the comparison the street-level space where Bruce
with the Hard Rock' says Barish. "lt's either the third- or second- or fourth- Willis is scheduled to preside OVC[
largest tourist attraction in New York. But it's like saying the Museum of a ground-breaking ceremony and
Modern Art and the Whitney are the same because they both hang pic- place his feet in wet cement is just a
tures' (Barish, an art collector, does not indicate which museum his res- few paces from Carnegie Hall, this
taurant will resemble more,) part of West 57th Street looks more
J udging from what actually is supposed to decorate the walls and ceil- like downtown Baghdad. The chills'

AccorIo to ooe of lareffi's press reiease riaA

nato;' 2, giant columns shaped like Marilyn
Monroe's legs, actresses' lipstick imprints, a blimp-shaped room called Holly- space, rented by Barish from devil-
wood Heaven filled with clouds and dead film stars' personal effects - oper Harry Macklowe, is a mishmash
of crumbling pillars, rubble and
HoIIyoot scheOulod to opeo Io SeewOer, will ho Wlit:f:stLiih among
Planet Hollywood. or the Planet Hollywood that Furst has designed, tiny folding chairs, trying to dis-
will resemble the E lard Rock less than it will the Universal Studios tour. pense white-chocolate bonbons and
But don't say this « curried-duck salad. ,
(o Barish Or FUrSt,
000110V less mao
Each member of
woriwIoe cullural oheooevoo'
Who scrapped plans the press receives
to have a latex shark rising out of a pool, King Kong climbing over a a PLANET HOi.IYWOOD hard hai
veranda, an animarronic Bogart greeting customers and a holographic and Furst's sketch of the restaurant,
Marilyn-in-the-sky blowing kisses ro the diners below. "We suddenly real- scrolled up in a black PLAN1T HOLLY-
ized we were in severe danger ofbeing a theme park' Furst says, enunciat- WOOD ribbon.
¿ng theìiepai-k as ifhe were saying diarrhea. Barish, whose fact-flnding mis- Furst, a low-key Englishman with
5fl)flS Oíl behalfof Planet have included trips to the Mirage and Excalibur long, straight hair and a disarming
hotels in Las Vegas, agrees. "We're not trying to fool anyone into thinking smile, tells the crowd his design is
yOu're in a theme park, he says. "a witty ¿f not affectionate view o1
Of course not. Instead, they're trying to fool people into thinking Hollywood. . . , lt's a mistake to try to
Schwarzenegger will actually he, as he told a TV interviewer, "in dee kitchen explain too much. After all, if you
cookink vee-nah schnitzel.' Planet hopcs to jam in 200 customers at a time, can explain ir, why build itt" (Barish
with ten seatings a day meaning, Barish admits, that the average cus- later says Furst was paraphrasing the
tomer will get only 45 to 50 minutes per visit. The inexpensive menti will painter Francis Bacon,) In Fursis
feature what Zarem describes as 'sexy dishes' but (liners will be more hun- rendering. this gutted space has hc.
gry for an opportunity to OCCU a space that may recently have been oc- corne a Blade Runner-meets-Holiday
cupied by a famous Person. Though Robert De Niro opened a similar Inn nightclub. One floor is painted
restaurant-moviemaking complex in TrißeCa last year, De Nirds partner to look like a swimming pooi (a key
in the restaurant, Drew Nieporent, says the difference between his Place image of 1-lollywood, says Furst) anti
-I) SPY s1PiMI4i R I V') I
clotted with palm trees, directors' Sons of Planet with hi
chairs and table lamps with Oscar. Hard Rock work, say-
shaped bases. The three famous ing. "You always end
motorcycles hang overhead, climb- up very similar to an-
ing through pearly gates toward other operation that
the ceiling"Anton thought it'd be does the same type o
cool' explains Barish, "more life- volume, the same tp
like, to have them going around a merchandise - I'm SO
corner in motion, rather than against same type of menu'
a vall' A huge movie screen is cut Barish, a youthful n
out of a wall made to look like but- in his forties, tells
ton-back quilting. "It ust evokes guests, "This is more t]
that period [of 1930s musicals]' just another restaurani
Barish says. "The whole wall would even a huge entertainn
be covered with it in a glamorous complexit a wOrld
apartment' Another wall features a itself It's designed and run
searchlight-crossed vista of L. A. with by movie people, not simply for themselves, but so that eventually millions
the HOLLYWOOD sign topped by olpeople can participatepersona//y in the movie experience:' He later says,
the word PLANET. Off to the left "I don't think [ordinary people) have any other real attempt to mingle with
hovers the Starship Eiterprise, a per. movie people the way they do here. They could go to a studio re-creation
functory nod to TV "Television is ofwhat the movies are, but that's an amusement park. Or they can feel un-
Hollywood, too," Barish says, "and comfortable going to a movie hangout and maybe getting in or maybe not.
I think we have to include it. You Or they can participate in it [here)' Why go to film school when you can
know, all the studios are heavily in- sit under Elvis's bike eating nachos while Steve Guttenberg attends a pri-
volved in television, and in many vate screening downstairs?
cases it's more profitable for them Bruce Willis finally shuffles in, practically hidden under an overcoat
than movies. Although that's not and a pate-obscuring PLANET HOLLYWOOD cap. Willis grabs a shovel and
my consideration:' lifts a pile of rubble, posing for the paparazzi. "Take your coat off!" they
Today's ground-breaking is being plead. Willis smirks at them and, thinking himself funny, replies, "All of
emceed by the restaurant's opera- you right here, take your clothes off!"
tions chief, a compact Brit named During the briefQ&A session, Willis explains that he has invested be-
Robert Earl. Earl, who with Barish cause "I needed a place to hang out in New York" a sentiment that's
holds a 70 percent stake in the ven- made to order for Barish, Earl and Zarem but probably isn't as frank as
turc, works for Rank Organisation Schwarzenegger's statement a few months later at the Cannes Film Fes-
PLC, a British entertainment con- tival: "I've always had tremendous interest.. .in things that I think are
glomerate and another Planet inves gonna make a lot of money:' Willis soon troops off, but Zarem employee
tor. He is also CEO of the half of Lisa Long assures the photographers, "Bruce is gonna do the feet thing:'
the Hard Rock empire originally (The Planet facade will be decorated with the footprints and autographs
owned by Isaac Tigrett, and is re- in cement ofwhat Barish calls "the top 50" stars.) The cement that Willis
sponsible for the chain's expan- is supposed to step in, however, has hardened too quickly, and every-
sion beyond the East Coast to places body is sent home,
like Reykjavík and Stockholm. (The
Hard Rock empire's other half still "For Mr. Barish' a Ritz-Canton waitress says, "we will do what needs to
belongs to original co-owner Peter be done!" She hands the producer a blurry Polaroid, just snapped in the
Morton, who is in the process of kitchen, of a cooked turkey, then serves him the bird in slices. It's two
opening, brilliantly and appallingly, weeks after theground-breaking, and Barish is in the dining room of the
a Hard Rock Hotel Casino in Las place where he hangs out when he's in New York.
Vegas.) "This is a special spicy turkey from Mrs. Gooch's, a health-food super-
Also present today, but never in- market in L.A.' he explains. 'I told the people here, 'You oughtta get it on
troduced, is Charles Daboub, the the menu, and they spent $150 to send in a $58 turkey for me. But I want
architect obliged to translate Fursts to go on record - I didn't ask for this'
trippy sketches into an actual res- A few moments later Zarem arrives and immediately starts devouring
taurant. Daboub's Dallas-based firm the turkey. "1 was looking for a good book to read about Louis XIV' he says
has designed some 200 restaurants, between bites. "Hannah Pakula recommended The Sun King:'
including several Hard Rocks, but "I read it five or six years ago;' replies Barish. "You knos Louis Fischer
has never worked in New York, has'- wrote a book on Gandhi that was Dickie Attenborough's inspiration for
ing specialized in high-volume mall the movie. lt gets a little more depressing when you get to Louis XVI. Ap-
restaurants with names like El parently, Marie Antoinette was a dogshe had false teeth and wasn't this
Chico. He dismisses any compari- great beauty:'
Restaurant o! 1,000 SlaPs

saskedpiib1icist Bobby Zarem to describeprecisely the celebrity-studdedpremiere he

's ! !
'' I
irnaginesfor Planet Hollywood thisfall: "a gala. invitation-only opening with 500

ìIIT ': i Ii people there, the most excitIng, interesting, dynanite, colofulpeople in thefields of sports,

- .

. .,T
- journalism, nodeling, movies and ,n,aybe politics. " A las, his "goodfriend"Jason Patric

b probably won't be among the celebrants, Bobby says, because "with all this Ulula
Furst's rendition of the scaled- Roberts) shit going on, the likelihood ofhis coming is not great. " But asfor the other
dow n fac ad e megastars, Zarern knows who will be there, and where and why.


'I helped him tie his bow tie "I could see Arnold going
over the phone before he went to ,
over to her and sayinq,
the Rainbow Room." ti/A MINNELLI Look at this cybor!'
J "I think she'll come,
"If she wanted to
she's a friend of ours."
come.,.I'd sure as . .
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shit fly her m.'1 \ -

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hal9ottenhej" :
BRUCE WILLIS "But there'll be a party here for
"These are people we've Michelle a few weeks later, so
been in touch with." she may not want to come."

"She's Arnold's aunt. She
came to my luncheon lin 1977,
before she was Arnold's aunt] .,

for Purnpii,g Iron." .

¼ '

The pool bar, with bikini

top and Marilyn leg I I
' .


I I h 1._f. .

: si'v I P-I FMIiI:R f

Barish's interest in literature goes but it was that much excitement'
way back. He entered the movie Barish found former GM showroom and repair shop at 56th Street
business in 1979 by spending $5 mil- and Broadway, then owned by the Durst family. Even before signing a lease,
lion of the fortune he'd made in he racked up more than $850,000 in design and legal fees. But Barish,
Floridathrough banking and real after all, is a movie producer, accustomed to throwing money at problems.
estateon the 111m rights to dozens "He'd say, Aaah, it's just another painting offthe wall," says one consultant.
OfE)ookS, most notably $750,000 for "It was an undertaking we would not dream of doing;' says Douglas
William Styron's Sophiet Choice. "I Durst, "and we were experienced. It was such a wild ideathe money they
thought, Better to go down with some- were going to have to spend, they'd never amortize their investment. I don't
thing glorious than a lotta pieces ofjunk' think Keith's the most practical person:'
he says. But Barish plowed ahead, even having Zarem spoon-feed this item to
But the first movie Barish actu- gossip columnist Suzy in November 1988: "Cafe Hollywood is the name
ally produced was a horrible botch and who knows, it may run the real Hollywood out ofbusiness. . . They're
of Scott Spencer's novel Endless Love, trying to talk Sophia Loren into making an imprint ofher famous bottom
starring Brooke Shields. After most in wet cement:'
of his expensive, tony book-adapta- After 39 drafts, the lease never got signed. Barish blames the Dursts;
tion projects fell through, Barish be- the Dursts say he never proved he'd pay for all he'd have to. In April 1989,
came pretty much like any other Barish put Cafe Hollywood into apparent turnaround. But the idea wasn't
independent producer, alternating dead; Barish fell back on the standard Hollywood tacticnetworking.
big-bucks Schwarzenegger sci-fi (The Through Zarem's Hard Rock connection, he met Robert Earl, and, Barish
Running Man) with stillborn assem- says, 'there was combustion:' Then, flying across the country on MGM
Grand Air, Barish bumped into Harry
"We will have me hobst most Il oautIIoi models, me
Macklowe and persuaded him to rent the
West 57th Street location. Barish got
blages ofname talent (Paulina Poriz- 20,000 square feet, plus 3,500 more on the top floor for office space,
kova and Tom Selleck in Her Alibi, for morethan $1 million a year.
MichaelJ. Fox andJoanJett in Light
ofDay, Nicolas Cage and Sean Young ChICi social oeool aoy slat in Hoiiywoo" says ¡arem.
in Firebirds).
He got the idea for Planet Holly- Barish recruited Furst through their mutual power-locus L.A. law
wood the way most producers get firm, Bloom Dekom and Hergott. Comparing Furst's design (which now
ideas for movies - from
somebody else. In 1987
5 WO as people om Columhu Ohio."
he was working on Her Hollywood Clothesline of fa-
Alibi when an actor named Bryan mous costumes) with that of the original Cafe Hollywood, Barish says,
Kestner looked up from reading "lt's the difference between Picassds Guernica and something sold in
the script and said, "Why don't you Central Park. It's the difference between Batman and - " He stops short,
do something called the Hollyrock, unwilling to name names. "Any number of movies:' It's MoMA, not the
where you combine Hollywood and Whitney; it's a bankable movie star, not Whitney Houston; it's Guernica
rock music?" "The more I thought and Batman, not a cheap lithograph orwell, a Keith Barish movie.
about it, it became really intriguing' And, finally, Barish called his friends Arnold and Bruce. Barish knew
Barish says today. "The Hard Rock that Schwarzenegger was the right kind of play-ball partner, because he'd
had its limitations. If you look at
. . . shown up at Barish's Monster Squad premiere and graciously posed for
the covers of major magazines, it's paparazzi while hugging Frankenstein's monster. Then, during Home
not Whitney Houston, it's Schwarz- Alonds climb to No. 3 on the all-time box-office list, and after the expan-
enegger or Willis' From Whitney sion ofthe Planet concept to a chain, the partners enlistedJohn Hughes.
vs. MoMA to Whitney Houston vs. "Hughes was looking for a place in Chicago to hang out' says Earl. "He was
Bruce Willis. finishing filming late every night and didn't have reservations in places and
So Barish called Zarem, who had wasn't recognized' To remedy this gross injustice, the Chicago Planet will
publicized some of his movies, and "probably have ajohn Hughes table, which stays empty in case he's coming
presented his idea for a Cafe Holly- In exchange for the privilege ofnot being treated like a weenie, Hughes
wood. "My jaw fell on the floor' will also donate Macaulay Culkin's toboggan from Home Alonethe
recalls Zarem. "I sat there and stared Rosebud in his Kane, as it were.
at him for 15 minutes, because the
concept was so cogent, so obvious, lt's another smoggy May day in Bel Air. Barish, standing on a terrace
the idea that people from Holly- that affords views of both his pooi and downtown L.A., is once again
wood and every other fucking walk explaining his high concept. "The idea of the restaurant is to walk in
oflife would want to hang out there. off 57th Street, especially if it's winter and it's snowing or raining and
Not to compare it to the Hard Rock, gloomy, and you walk into this He sweeps his arm out at the view, look-
ing not unlike Carol Merrill on
Letc Make a Deal. "But an image
ComingSoon: The First Theme Park Devoted Exclusively to theiackson Family' "i found that staring at a pool,
particularly when the pumps are go.
Like the backers of Planet Hollywood, Tito ing and everything, is very relax-
«. Jackson and Ed Tate resent comparisons of ing' says Furst. The life-size pool at
their enterprise, Jackson's Main Event, to Planet has been relocated in Furst's
the Hard Rock Cafe. 'A lot of people have design from the dining-area floor

to the wall behind the where bare

be something like the Hard Rock? And no, Will be mounted sideways. Corn-
it's going to be two or three notches removed plementing the pool area will be

from the Hard &ck' says Tate, the Main a real diving board and a coyly-
Event's president. 'Tito came up with an interesting phrase (to describe the tossed-aside bikini top, either Mari-
Main Event), and that is, a total entertainment experience.' lyn Monroe's or Madonna's. Lights
Tito is, ofcourse, the second-oldest member ofthe originaijackson 5 (you'll projecting through a tray of water
remember him as the pudgy one with the cap), andJackson's Main Event, when will make the wall look wet, satisfy-
completed, will be to his family what Hyde Park is to the Roosevelts: an enter- ing Furst's desire for a relaxing
taming, educational monument to a unique, influential American family in gurgling-pool effect without posing
this case, with the added attraction of interactive music video. liability problems. "We don't want
"There's not very much in that northern Midwest region of America' says anyone to think that there's a pool up
Tito, explaining his family's decision to build Jackson's Main Event on a there' says Barish. "I mean, this isn't
32,000-square-foot lot within the Mall ofAmerica, the 78-acre shopping-and- a themeparkwe're not trying to fake
entertainment complex now under construction in Bloomington, Minnesota. anybody out.'
"Coming from that area - Chicago area, Gary, Indiana - I remember as a kid No, Planet Hollywood has to be
there wasn't very much to do, even in the summer mOnths." real, a testament to the genuineness
Sojackson's Main Event, with Tito as its CEO, will provide visitors with live of film history. Barish has been
entertainment, amateur-talent showcases, attractive merchandise (Jermaine is spending money by the tens of thou-
working with Tito on possible logo designs) and museumlike exhibits that will sands for such auction-house gems
allow tourists to trace the family's history from its cozy, precocious beginnings as Clark Gable's liquor flask, a bell
in Gary to its moneyed, sprawling, somewhat dysfunctional state today. Vivien Leigh gave Laurence Olivier,
"As you walk in the door'says Tate, "there will bea replica oftheir home. .at .
and a charcoal portrait of James
2300Jackson Street. and you will be able to experience the home situation
. .
Dean (price: $17,000) upon which
and hear the music of the late fifties and early sixties that influenced the actor inscribed the protestation
them. They didn't just come out of a vacuum, okay? They evolved. And we
. . .
"Look not upon this figure for the
want to be able to tell someone that story." greatness that is demanded of me."
J ust as Planet Hollywood hopes to make visitors feel as if they were per- MTV veejay Adam Curry, who
sonally participating in the flimmaking process, Tito and Tate want Main wore the PLANET HOLLYWOOD T-shirt
Event patrons to feel as if they'd achieved Jacksonhood. "We're working now sent him on the is skep-

with the possibility ofputting together some sort ofvideo that would have a fan tical of the notion that youngsters
actually being able to be superimposed on a video, dancing with thejacksons with disposable income will want
onstage or something like that:' says Tate. "Something that they can walk away to see old movie memorabilia. "I
with that's kind ola real personal experience they can show to other people:' think that a rock 'n' roll thing even a
Though Tito will function as the principaijackson-family operative, he em- hundred years old (sic) is more in-
phasizes that all thejacksons, including Michael andJanet, will be involved. teresting to a kid than, say, James
"We will be the Main Event:' he says. "We want to give our fans and public a Dean's steering wheel:' he says. "Kids
sense of personality, almost like we're there with them. .11 [Michael's) in the
. .
today have not seen a James Dean
area or in concert or whatever, he can stop by and give a wave and sign a couple movie they see Paula Abdul's video
of 'graphs." where Keanu Reeves is doing Rebel

Tito says that the Main Event will open along with the rest of the Mall of %"jt/01tt a Cauuse and she's doing
America a year from now, even though early this summer he and Tate had Natalie Wood, and they say, 'What is
neither fully worked out the details ofwhat the Main Event will encompass nor that about?"
decided on a designer for the facility. Still, Barish and Earl have stuck
These minor obstacles aside, Tito and Tate feel bullish. "We basically want ''ith their fifties icons. "It's funny'
to keep it very excliisive' says Tate. "We don't want to duplicate it in every city, says Barish, "because I was meeting
in every mall." For this reason, proposed locations ofadditionaiJackson's Main with a director whds one of the four
Events will, for now, be limited to Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Atlanta, Orlando, or five top directors in the world,
Paris, Madrid, Berlin, Australia and Tokyo. Maureen Shelly and he said, 'You know what you
_______________________________________________________________ should get? That monkey that James
Dean carried in Rebel Without a 20 square feet. Only the exterior's awnings, and the latex palm trees, re-
Cause.' And I said, 'We bought it!" main intact.
(Barish later lets slip that the top Inside, Marilyn's many legs, originally planned to number a dozen, have
director wasJohn Hughes.) been reduced two at the entrance to Hollywood Heaven and one in the
Overall, Planet Hollywood's mcm- main dining area. "We don't want to overdo says Barish. Gone are the
orabilia collection will more reflect pearly gates ('They look like cemetery gates, don't they?"); likewise a zebra-
the owners' connections than it will patterned floor ("Nobody got the reference:' says Barish, who explains that
the history of cinema or popular zebra-patterned floors were de rigueur in 1930s nightclubs). Also scrapped
taste: through Arnold, Planet Holly- are plans for a wall that looks like the view from a car window and a spe-
wood has both the cyborg from Ter- cia! ocean-wave simulator. The button-back movie screen is now overhead
minator 2 (price: $25,000) and the and modified to look like a drive-in screen, though Barish is still uncertain
phone booth from Commando; Zarem what it should show (clips? Menu specials? Trailers for Terminator 3 and
got hold of a pair of crude spears Die Even Harder?).
from Spartacus because he knew he The most dramatic changes are in the plans for the VIP room. Origi-
could get his pal Kirk Douglas to nally it was to have a private bar with its own rest rooms and TV, and
donate them in a public ceremony. as Zarem envisioned it, "Someone could go late at night, like Costner,
Barish says that he and his partners Nicholson, if they want to watch a fight on TV. . . No pushy security

sought souveni rs from Spartacus people, not a Studio 54 situation, but a place where the partners and
rather than, say, Citizen Kane because their friends can sit and have meals brought to them.' At one point it
"Orson Welles is dead. If he were was going to be outfitted with a fireplace from a famous Hollywood
alive and still sitting at his table at mansion and have a separate, special menu and a full-time butler on
Ma Maison, I would've gone over duty. Byjune, Barish had decided it "would really be just for meetings
and talked to him about it' and interviews:' and it was scaled back to just a couch, a desk and a
bathroomall the better, anyway, since elitist, seclusive stars don't suit
Only weeks separate Barish and Planet philosophy: "It defeats the purpose of what we're trying to do,
company from the scheduled Sep- which is to make this not a movie-star hangout but something for the
tember opening date, and the ap- publicyet a place where a movie star or a celebrity will want to go,
propriate buzz is in the air: Sneaker at least enough of the time to, uh, share that experience with the pub-
companies and soda manufacturers,
he says, have started to ask about Barish oot the ¡oea for ao Hollywoofl me way mo
promotional tie-ins; Barish says
he'll do only a few "sensible" ones. lic. And thafs a delicate balance'
Producers have begun to inquire Barish says that late in the planning stage he realized he was focus-
ing too much on Hollywood's glitz. So
while patrons suck down margaritas,
oroìcers oet meas tor movIesmom soffl000lly else they can visit a special area set aside
about using the place for premieres. by Barish for more serious tribute to Hollywood and the courageous
Interview has asked to set up sem- stands it took movies, from Gentle,nan's Agreement to The Grapes of Wrath,
mars sponsored by Kodak, and the Soph - uh, movies on apartheid like Cry Freedom or A Dry White Season, or
American Film Institute wants to a movie like Gandhi, or Sophier Choice or ironweed, whatever, movies that
hold tributes there. Zarem's celeb- really tried to make a difference'
rity product-placement targets have
been surprisingly willing to comply The days continue to tick away, and Barish and Furst are having yet an-
with his marketing strategy: the New other design meeting, discussing such issues as where to stick the dummy
York Posi ran a photo of Madonna of the dead astronaut from 2001. (He ends up in Hollywood Heaven.) "I
jogging in a PLANET HOLLYWOOD had one crazy idea I wanted to try:' Barish says. "I was thinking of going
Tshirt. to a special-effects guy and having him come up with a planet that could
But for all the expertly engineered actually move around in the starry ceiling:'
hoopla, the space at West 5 7th Street 'Is that too theme-park?" responds Furst.
still looks much as it did the day "Well' says Barish, "I'm asking you'
of Willis's press conference. Furst "I think that it :' says Furst. "Totally, yesifit's literal and moving in
wanted the facade to be decorated all directions:'
with long, backlit filmstrip-style "Like the Hard Rock used the car that's upside-down or sideways:' Bar-
portraits of stars like Dean, Mon- ish says, hoping for a positive response.
roe and Bogart, and an illuminated Furst sets Barish straight: "See, Planet, it's a thing of the mind rather
globe bearing the PLANET logo. than something literal."
But zoning codes forbid illumi- "Okay' says Barish, backtracking. "It's a terrible idea. It's a Bobby Za-
nated signs on 57th Street and limit rem idea' He pauses and ponders. "But I'd like something going on up
space for exterior signage to a paltry there')
Review of Rewus Gary Giddins: "Julie London's tim-
bre and phrasing had a savvy that
let you know she could probably
deconstruct Finiegans Wakeby
candlelight and in a shorty night-
gown." If you had read them, you
Acronolís Now probably would have thought, Ei-
¡ber these reviews have been badly
Madonna Goes Homeric and translated from Gaelic oras is more
Renaissance; Commentary Worships likelythey are meaningless. (Sup-
porting the latter theory would be
Zeus; a Classic Look the knowledge that all rock reviews
at the Paper of Record seem to consist of phrases pasted up
randomly by the art department.)
Strangely enough, EW's editors ap-
uy Humphrey Oeilllo
pear to agree that these comments
are nearly useless. A recent issue in-
cluded a full-page ad for a new 900
number that allows a caller to listen
And they're off! Writing about Dolly Parton for to selections reviewed in the maga-
Vanity Fair, Kevin Sessums is out of the gate fast: "A Texan zinc. (Needless to say, this service
carries a fee.) In the ad, the quotes
with an instinct for crude can, like Dolly herself, go from above were reproduced and a young
bust to millionaire in a matter of months. . . Parton's battle plan
man holding a copy ofEW was pic-
for her own brand of femininitya kind of Desert Form, if you tured wearing a quizzical, annoyed
will . . . " But here comes Carl Wayne profiling Madonna for Time: expression. The headline read, BUT
"Madonna's artistic persona has clearly transformed from Daffy Disco WHAT DOES lT SOUND LIKE? I believe
Dolly into a more substantial, surrealistic Poly Dali incarnation. " Ses- a serious conflict of interest exists
sums: "[Parton) is certainly the doll in dollar." Wayne: "A quantum here. This arranement actually
artistic growth spurt, ifyou will."
They're neck and neckif you
will! Sessums: " 'Bearing witness'...
means to spread the gospel of Jesus
Christ. Dolly chose to bear wit." It's
Sessums in the lead: "We were hay-
ing dinner with a group of mutual
friends at Le Madri, a Manhattan
restaurant frequented by the city's
rakish clump of frequenters. . . . ¡yana
sent over a bottle of wine. . . .The
Blonde leading the Blonde." But
hold onheres Wayne with "Hyp-
nagogic sexscape. . .Circe with a
wink and a whip" and, beating Ses-
sums at the wire, "Call them out-
of-bawdy Madonna experiences . " A
surprise on a sloppy track Sessums
is usually a sure thing.
Let's sayjust for argument's
sakethat you've been buying En-
tertainment Weekly. Then you might
have read this line ofJames Ber-
nard's: "Digital Underground's Same
Song transcends being a musical
track for a party to become the
party itself." Or this appraisal from
the usually smart and engaging
makes it profitable for EW's music had corpse ligaments ¡n mind when immortal gods . Well, either the
critics to be frustratingly opaque it photographed a model's beautiful Greeks were wrongobjectively
and nonsensical. Meanwhile, they knee. And viewing a shot of her speakingor we will soon see
obviously need no encouragement. bare, not unbeautiful back, one has Norman Podhoretz make offerings
Also in a recent EW, Tom De many thoughts, but i wonder zfthe to Hera.
Haven reviewed Thomas M. Disch's essayist Phi/lip Lopate suffers lower- I feel sorry for Craig Whitney,
The M.D. and called him "a brazen, back pain? is not among them. London-bureau chief for the Times.
demanding, endlcssly "Twenty years ago, I Let me amend that. I don't feel sorry
inventive writer" and "a started getting lower for Craig Whitney. Every so often
devilishly clever narra- back pain," Lopate wrote the Ti,,zes runs its Turnbull & Asser
tor!" The novel, De Ha- All rock reviews alongside the picture. He story, and Whitney drew the as-
ven said, is "a pitiless described his daily exer- signment this time. The story
fairy tale and a Faust- . cises and his "achiness" about the London shirtmaker essen-
seem to consist ,.
and remarked, I could
. .

rially runs like this: Bespoke. .iisu-

. .

ian pastiche, a (doomed) .

family chronicle and a say more, but there is ally shop at Paul Stuart. Prince . .

crackerjack medical
of phrases
nothing duller than Charles. .shy American. .bespoke...
. .

thriller. " Quite a rave! lower back pain." Believe old-world service. .Churcbill Room,..

De Haven gave the book us, Mr. Lopate, we know. very expensive. . .
bespoke. . . which way to
just about the highest pasted up He also wrote, "I have the House o/Lordi? I feel sorry for
praise you can give a often felt the deepest Whitney because he sounded no
work ofart these days; he love at just that moment less foolish than anyone else who
gave it an A. And better randomly by the when the beloved turns has written on the subject (maybe a
yet, to actually experi- her back toward me to little more foolishthe motif of his
ence Thomas Disch our- get some sleep. Or as story was that his chest was too
selves, we didn't even art department many a nonessayist has broad for an off-the-rack shirt, but
have to call a 900 num- put it, the ideal woman Turnbull & Asser got it right, "the
ber. We could simply turn to, a few would turn into a pizza right after yoi chest 46 inches tapering down to
pages later, some video reviews boinked. 41'A at the waist"). I don't feel sorry
Disch himself had written for EW. Co,nmentary, and the neoconser- for Whitney because his shirts were
"The Rose Tattoo [is] another slice of vative movement generally, conrin- probably a tax deduction.
ham grilled to perfection by [Burt] ue to defend objective reality In his review in New York of
Lancaster," Disch wrote, brazenly against slack-spined relativism. I Trath or Dare, David Denby said
and demandingly. He gave the film think a belief in objective reality is Madonna and her supporting cast
version of William Inge's Come perfectly okay; if it works for you, are "a troupe outside society, not all
Back, Little Sheba an A, but don't be then that's a choice you have every that different from a wandering
suspicious. After a thorough right to make. But Commentary's band ofplayers in the Renaissance."
searchfrom the TV series Sisters to role in this conflict has suddenly Reviewing Theodore Draper's book
De La Soul's latest releaseI can re- taken a strange form. Charlotte about the Iran-contra affair in the
port that William Inge did not Allen recently reviewed the best- Times, Herbert Mitgang called North
write a review for that issue of LW. selling IronJobn, by Robert Bly, the et al. "the leading players in [a] mem-
Fearful of their rhapsodies, I poet who has led the new, Cost- orable commedia dell'arte troupe."
wouldn't have asked some middle- neresque "men's movement. "For And in The New Republic, reviewing
aged writers to discuss parts of the Bly," Allen wrote, "one god is as Columbia's Robert Johnson anthol-
body, as The New York Times Maga- good as any other, for none exists in ogy long after it was issued, Russell
zine did recently, especially ifgrainy the objective world." This is terri- Banks compared the Delta blues
black-and-white photos of an un- ble, Allen said, liberal subjective- singers of the I 920s and '30s to
clothed female model were to ac- ness at its worst. Gods do exist in "medieval jongleurs or Provencal
company the text. As things turned

the objective world. There is such a l)CtS. 1)o we really live in times so
out, no one need have worried thing as "transcendent objective re- similar to the Mediterranean world
about an excess of lyricism. Next to ality." The ancient Greeks, for ex- of several hundred years ago, or are
a shot of a slightly bent knee ample, "told and retold myths such comparisons just a lazy way to
pearly and delicate, with long fin- about Zeus not because Zeus was a add a bit of pseudolearned histori-
gers resting on the thighJane De- symbolic name for the 'Zeus en- cal dash to reviews Let's make a
Lynn wrote about knee surgery, ergy' inside each of them, as Bly test: "David Denby is as 'with-it' as
prosthetists and "transplanted liga- calls it, hut because they believed a fifteenth-ccntury Venetian bea-
ments of cows, corpses and one's that Zeus cxisted in the transcen- die." A'tuallv. that's about right.
own body. ' I'm not sure the Ti,nes dent world, that he was one of the Hail me a gondola.)
ji' .

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i er stood for 90 days

L ---------------------------------------------------------------- .1
¡I These 50 Coiifederated U.S. JllhhisCtÌ011S ' , which may be boiled down to
! \ ,, Isomething like this: "Everyone
in this room is emotionally
blown out. We feel
disbelief. I can't live
with this, and I can't
¡he Loss let my players live
with it. Just a night-
Will the Cash-Rationing Issue
OeneratiojjL$f g o mare. The shock has
given way to uncer-
Bankrupt Bushpeople? tainty. We did it to
ourselves. If I were a fan,
I would be so peeved at
this team right now. lt makes
you wonder how good you really
I go to my automatic teller and it tells are. So much is written about you,
and so much is expected, and you
can't have all the cash I want, it's short of cash at the mo-
don't live up to it. Reality has a
ment. Of course it is! The entire banking system is about to way of seeping into your bones the
fold, andthe Republicans are resorting to cash rationing! morning after. If ifs and buts were
Spread the word. Doesn't have to be truejust make them deny it: candy and nuts, we'd all have a
"The Republican Party is not the party of cash rationing!" It's the Merry Christmas. We have some
Democrats' only chance. really hard questions to tackle. lt's
Up to now the Democrats have been coming off as Republicans a shame we had to be brought back
Lite. So my first thought was, Maybe the Democrats should push it the to reality here at home."
other way. Tr)' to oiit-Rejìublican the We have, in fact, lost some
Re/rn blicans. going to bring us cash rationing, it's things during the last several years,
Ifthe Republicans can cal/for 1,000 rime to get rid of them. And I don't including faith in banks. (Hence
points of light, the Democrats can call know any way to do it without get- the move to cash rationing.) But
for I 00,000. 1f the Republicans can ting a Democrat elected. Speaker of Bushpeople will do just about any-
have a dig in the White House that they the House Thomas Foley is second thing to avoid icky, wonder-where-
sleep and shower and author books with, in the line of presidential succession we-went-wrong talk, They like to
the Democrats can fondle llamas in the in case of impeachment or autoim- kindly and gently lay the onus on
White House and make videos. if the mune incapacity, but he hasn't others. (This cash rationing is going
Republicans can bring Russia, Panama. looked like he felt free to have any to be hard to sidestep, though.)
Grenada and Iraq to their knees, the kind ofglint in his eye since mm- Here's the kind of thing Bush likes
Denocrats can do it to China, Angola, ions of the late Lee Atwater insinu- to say: In his address to Congress
Cuba, France and Manhattan. If the ated that he liked boys. I'm told he's after our Gulf victory, he cited
Republicans can stop doctors from coun- an old friend of Kitty Kelley's, they footage of Iraqi soldiers coming up
seling the poor about legal abortion. the both grew up in Spokane; but I out of a bunker and kissing the
Democrats can stop doctors and lawyers don't see how that is going to get hands of American soldiers, beg-
from talking to anyone not employed by the Democrats anywhere. ging for mercy, and a decently em-
a ?najot' corporation about anything at The Democrats, meanwhile, keep barrassed G! responding, "You're
all. lfthe Republicans can produce a VP having to deny things: They did not all right." Lacking, himself, any ca-
who hails as "a dean victo,y" a war in want to appease Saddam. They do pacity for decent embarrassment,
whose aftermath children are dying in not favor quotas. They do not want Bush got misty. That, he told the
the six figures, the Democrats can come to solve everything by taxing and world as Congress burst vacantly
up with one who'll describe as "a pain- spending. Their liberal standard- muto applause, is the big-hearted
less ro???p" a war in which m i i I ions of bearer did not, repeat did not, realize voice of America: "You're all right
children... the police wanted to talk to him now. " We've bombed you till you
Then I lost my nerve. There are about anything so serious as rape. grovel and your country is prein-
limits to Republicanism, even. And One thing they can't deny is that dustrial, and by the way your vi-
if you call for too many points of they lost the last three presidential cious despot is still in place, and
light, the voter might worry that he elections, and they're well on their now you're all right, go in peace.
or she actually has to be one of them. way to losing the next one. A hobby What the heck, maybe we're all
But I think a lot ofpeople will of mine is collecting things sports- right, too. But I don't like the
agree that if these Bushpeople are people say when they lose, all of sound of this cash-rationing thing)
We Get a Photo Credits

Good Return Willis cover: Photographed by Carolyn

Jones. Paintbox photo illustration by Phillip

on Our Heffernan, FCLJCOLORSPACE.

KKK cover: Photographed by Neil Selkirk;
styled by Barbara Tfank; assistant stylist:
Mark Bridges; Arthur MyersonfThe Image

Investment. Bank (sunglasses reflection).

Page 2: Neil Selkirk (KKK).
Page 5: Brad Markel/Gamma Liaison
(Thomas); © All Action/London Features
Intl. (Bon Jovi); Photofest (bees); AP/Wide
World Photos (Sununu).
Page 6: Photofest (grandma).
Page 10: S. Timer (Handelman).
Page 28: Stephen Allen/Globe Photos
(Mailer); Ron Galella, Ltd. (Kissinger);
Smeal/Galella, Ltd. (Young).
Page 29: Ron Galella, Ltd. (McCartney);
Ewing Galloway (robe); AP/Wide World
Photos (Bush).
Page 32: © The Walt Disney Company
Page 35: Reuters/Bettmann Newsphotos
Page 36: Ewing Galloway (drummer.
Page 37: Ron Wolfson/London Features Intl.
(Wagner, Little Richard); Ron Galella, Ltd.
(Jennings); Archive Photos (McNamara,
Chaney); Julio Donoso/Sygma (Witt); Cynthia
Johnson/Gamma Liaison (Rehnquist); Edward
A. Gargan/NYT Pictures (Al-Sabah); LGI
(Dafoe); Photofest. (Lenya).
Page 38: Debra Lex/People Weekly l 1989
The Time Inc. Magazine Company (Duke with
'3Joel &niu.'t
phone); State T,me'Gamma Liaison (Duke).
The Nature Conservancy takes a Page 40: Left to right. J. L. Atlan/Sygma,:
business approach to protecting our © 1991 Janet KnottJThe Boston
natural world. Each das' in the U.S. we G!obWContact Press Images; Debra
Lex/People WeekJy© 1989 The Time Inc.
invest in over I ,000 additional acres of Magazine Company; © 1991 Tomas
critical habitat for the survival of rare Miiscionico/Contact Press Images.
and endangered species. Page 41: Jean Pierre Laffont/Sygma
Through creative techniques like (Wilkinson); Michael P. Smith/Black Star
debt-for-nature swaps, we are also (Duke).
Page 43: Courtesy of Klanwatch (Black);
saving millions of acres of tropical AP,Wide World Photos (mercenaries, Hand).
rainforest throughout Latin America Page 46: NYT Pictures (Kriegel).
and the Caribbean. Page 51: Albert Ferreira/DMI (Forbes).
on these protected acres raptors, like Page 55: Doug Menuez (Feshbachs).
this bald eagle, return each year to Page 56: Archive Photos (Hubbard).
Page 68: l G iovanni/Photoreporters
breed the next generation. Trout return (Willis); Paul Adao/New York Post (Madonna);
to the stream to spawn. Bison and courtesy of Bobby Zarem (Schwarzenegger).
antelope return to the grasslands to Page 69: Aloma (Phillips); Aslan/SIPA
calve. Press (top Schwarzenegger); courtesy of
Bobby Zarem (Willis); Benainous/Reglain/
J 0m USI and make an investment in
Gamma Liaison (bottom Schwarzenegger).
our nawral heritage. Future return: isn't Page 71: Patrick McMullan (Zarem);
that what investment is all about? Bettina Cirone (Willis).
Page 72: Courtesy of Bobby Zarem (facade).
Page 74: Globe Photos (Jacksons).
Pages 82-83: Marina Garriier
(Westmoreland, model, Diller, Crawford,
Saltzman); Smeal/Galella, Ltd. (Arnold,
Bernhard, Mrs. Connery); Albert
Ortega/Galella, Ltd. (Stewart, Sean Connery,
Conservation Through Private Action Stallone, Zane); J. D. Ligier/Galella, Ltd.
(Hunter); Scott Downie/Celebrity Photo
For more information, (Parton); Ron Galella, Ltd. (McFadden);
call toll-free i-800-628-6860. Gregg DeGuire/Galella, Ltd. (Turner).
(or write The Nature Conservincv. Box NA, Page 84: John Paschal/Celebrity Photo
L815 N. Lynn Street. Arlington. \'A 12209) (DeVito); all others, Marina Gamier.


He Looks Great in a Lampshade

Too !Everybody's favori u wacky \
war criminal, General William
Westmoreland, clowns around in
a coolie hat following a perfor-
mance of Mi. Saigon to raise Madonna Indoctrination Index: First rosaries, then ziggurat bras, then the
money for humanitarian aid to studiously-dirty-hair look. And now, as Roseanne Arnold (née Barr) and
Vietnam. Thanks for the memories. Sandra Bernhard demonstrate, the newest Madonna-generated trend is the
WestyL m i neral-water bottle as suggestive accessory.


Many attendees of Love Ball 2,

the AIDS benefit that encouracd
guests to "create their own spec-
tack," took the organizers at their
word and indulged in behavior
uncommon to polite society.
(1) One model blithely arranged a
fellow voguers, tui, flowers. And
(2) 20th Century Pox ultra-guy
Barry Diller evidently thought
nothing of informing David Gel-
len that he was seated with in- A A
sufficiently powerful people and At Indochine, Voguis Elizabeth Saltzman en-
urging him to move to a better tertained the crowd with two neat party
that is, Dillers owntable. tricks: (1) doing the limbo, Monheit-style;
Meanwhile, (3) Cindy Crawford and (2) simulating sexual intercourse with
and Lady Miss Kier of 1)eee-Lite Condé Nast mascot André Leon Talley.
pretended to like each other.

Fiber Optics As has been reported in these pages before, when shiny,
stretchy, petroleum-based fibers are pulled tight over spheroid objects
(natural or unnatural), those spheroid objects emit a kind of phospho- E: AI
rescent sheen. Among those taking advantage of this new attention-
getting physics principle in planning their wardrobes arc (1) acces- L ;ii
sones entrepreneur Paloma Picasso; (2) pinup girl Dolly Parton; (3,4)
Rachel Hunter (Mrs. Rod Stewart), who likes her luminescence in
front and in back; (5) conceivably extraterrestrial designer Mary Mc-
Fadden; (6,7) Mrs. Sean Connery (on two separate occasions); (8) sur-
vivor Tina Turner; (9) actress Lisa Collins, whose husband, actor Billy
Zane, also went for the articulated-nipple approach; and (10) very
snappy dresser Sylvester Stai lone.

- - .4


_L .


Who Needs Toothpicks? (1)
. ,.
- .

Palm Beach fright fixture
.ø Mollie Wilmot. talking to
someone called Prince Di-

,,- .

mitri, finds that stiletto fin-

- .
J gernails make picking up
I ' f -
messy hors d'oeuvres a cinch!
'k .;
\ (2) Henryk de Kwiatkowski

/ -
\ obligingly allows Wilmot to
test out her blades by raking
, 1r ,

4, I
his face.

Though ¡t is highly unlikely

that a morsel offood, having fai I-
en from Saul Steinbergs mouth
or fork, would ever make it past
the beaver-faced mogul's paunch
and actually end UI) Ofl his lap,
Steinberg is a man who doesn't
take chances; at a New York City
Ballet fundraising dinner, he pro-
tected his pants by wearing his
napkin loincloth-style.

She's the Boss

Standing in
the Plaza ball-
room with her
daughter, Ivan-
The Little People Good news for the height-
ka, top divor-
impaired! Take a tip from Danny DeVito, a cée lvana Trump, casual in a satin-rhine-
man who is both extremely short and ex- stone-and-denim ensemble, actually or-
tremely successful: wearing multiple hats dered photographers to photograph the
(Danny prefers four) adds inches to your child only in profile.
stature and your sèlf-esteem.

LUUR nai You've Been Missing!

September 1987 (
October 1988 IAugust 1989
!1I1: MIN WHo ()iFiNI IUE Mon ," SPY IOU Woo WAS Wio
Do Malia Iawyersoops, :IIç'ed Our annual roster of che 1 00 most How time travel could really
Mafia lawyers, that isreally
''' annoying, alarming and appalling work. The little mogul that
believe theyre performing a people, places and things, topped couldnt: awful moviemaking
public service? Iw Al Sharpcon. with Dino DeLaurentiis.
November 1987 November 1988 September 1989
The unsold story of
Chappaquiddick and an interfaith
Dean & Jerry, Mick & Keith.
Mailer & VidaI, and The
I lenry Kissinger, Mort
Zuckerman, Faye Dunaway and
symposium: will Teddy burn in toughest weenie in America: other rich-and-famous part-time
hellt Rudolph Giuliani. country mice make glamorous
----- nuisances of themselves.
March 1988 January.February 1989
.. Fm Okay. Youre Late: the fetish Americas Ten Dopiest s
111E SPY ¡00

for ixrsonaI. prioritized life-style Lawmakersall those in faor, Our annual census of the I 00
management. Plus. inside Mensa! say dllh. Plus. terminal-impact most annoying, alarming and
cuergies of the stars! appalling people, places and
April 1988 things.
IiIE NIcL ISSUE . March 1989

Harold Washingtons diet of lSN1 li 11&()NICf November 1989

death. The SPY guide to -
A straight-laced look at the Irony Wii.n NI) CRAZY VIPs!
P05(modcrn everything. The new - Epidemic: how in the SPY goes undercover with Henry
urban hestiary. Plus, ghostwricers! world turned "funny"from Kissinger, Mery Griffin and
Twister to Twinkies. William F. BuckkyJr. at
May1988 Bohemian Grovethe
j WELCOME TO RAT CITY! April 1989 establishments secret two-week
LiThey live in our walls, they chew ['
frau party!
: through our sheet metal, they Coffee grounds of the rich and
could come up through your _ interoffice memos of the rç _ )_ i _ December 1989
-. u OR WELL
toilet: the definitive story on rats. famousa scientific, sanitary' and !E1:!. liLY liIIs MA(AZINE
not at all unseemly investigation. .
.i:1-i BURN Tnis FIG
July-August 1988 Our spectacular Bill of Rights
May 1989
PARTY Guys! a __ , special, including eleven other
The First Annual Pro-Am IVANARAMA!
ways (besides burning) to
Ironman Nightliíe Decathlon. A special investigative tribute to (lesecrate the flag.
The George Bush briefing book. Ivana Trump. and the good and
Plus, return to Grenada! bad news about cryonics. Plus: January 1990
the nubbins watch commences! Bt:ILnIN; A BIrrrER CELEBRITY
September 1988 SPYs nationwide, statistically
L1t-s'IvL lILu OuK SPECIAL T1 June 1989 valid poll reveals what America
l.os ANGELIS ISSUE Li:us MKE A DEAL Wini TIlE DEVIL wants from its celebrities. Plus,
Scientific proofthat ifyou move Real-life Fausts. from Ed Koch to how to talk like George Bush.

_ to Los Angeles, you will become Jackie Onassis, and media

J oan Collins. Plus, inside I-Ices zillionaires Norman and Frances Fehruary 1990
Lear. Plus. taste-testing dog food! SPLM
July 1989
-: The frec-money well runs dry,
and Wall Street goes wacko! Plus,
rtuitous niinie-bashing!
A really, really long article about
William F. BuckleyJr.! Cooking
with suet: a culinary symposium
)flth( Iwinkad .. U



1987 1988 1989 1990 1991.

I)t.(S1(J) Mar.J[pc.($ó, _ J./F. Aug. Jan. July J.IF.» Apr. __ I Oct. Mar. Sept. Feb. Mar.

____ - _ YL . Apr. Oct. Mar. Apr.

)./A.1S5 May _ ($6) Nov. Apr. Oct. May
J une Dcc. May Nov.
july June Dcc.



Cuy __________________ - STA1E ____________________ ZIP ____

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Davis, Martin Graham, Martha, II McCartney, Linda, 29, 32. 34 Schwarzkopf, Norman,
hating Regarding Henry, 20 Grapes of Wrath, The, 7'1 whining to her father, 36 Scale, Bobby, I
raking wings offthes. 49 Guttenberg, Steve, 71 McCartney, Paul, 32. 34 Shepard, Sam, ,t
Dean, James, 71, 75 Hamlin, Harry, 11 choosing iilvcstment banker Sills, Beverly, 48
Deerfield Academy Hand, Karl, 40, 41 by sound of its name, 29 Simon, Carly, 72
as a1)I)31rft Irast common Harrison, George, ,0, 32, 34, equating his band co the Simon, Sam, 24

Seul. dr,mminaror for inclusion

on 'l'imes society page. 45
de Kwiatkowski, Henryk, 84
Herman, Pee-wee, 68
Hewitt, Don, 16
Jackson family, 36
expensive lawsuit of, 30
McFadden, Mary. -)3
Simpsons, The,
60 Minutes, I 6, 83
Skull and Bones, 88

Abdul, Paula De La Soul, Ho, Don, i McMahon, Vince, 2 Smith, Liz, I(

confusing tcenager. I
Denby, David, 77 Home Alone, 35 McMillan and Wife, 37 or),'c-rtahle movie reviews
Agee, James, 35 De Niro, Robert, 70 as modern-day Citizen McNamara, Robert, 37 of, I S

Alzado, Lyle, S DeVito. Danny, 84 Eim,', S Mcueen, Steve, 71) Snyder, Richard, 12
American Psycho, I 5 Diller, Barry, .'.1-75, 82 Houston, Whitney, 73 McRaney, Gerald Sophie 's Choice, 69, 73. 75
Aricier. Garth, 25 Dinkins, David Hubbard, L. Ron, 52-53, incorreuly praising director Sorenson, Erik
Antoinette, Marie %'urkIiig co kcep his 56-58 «I I)60 tilt movie. 14 vidi)' reading sdl-help
'. mesS of, 71 love letters out of the Hughes, John, 72-73, 75 Mehta, Sonny, I 5 books. 22
Aspin, Les, I
papeN. 26-27 Hunter, Rachel, 83 Mestres, Ricardo El Stallone, Sylvester, 68-69,
Astor, John Jacob, 48 Douglas, Kirk. S Hussein, Saddam, 80 Groovo," 20 72.85
Atwater, Lee, 80 Draper, Theodore, 77 inge, William, "7 Milken, Mike, 34 Starr, Ringo, 30, 34, 36
Bacall, Lauren, 84 Drucker, Peter, 35 In Living 24-25 Minnelli, Liza, 72 begging tør allowance from
Bacon, Francis, 70 Duke, David, ', 38-43 Irons, Jeremy, 72 Miss Saigon, 82 Pitil, 52

Baldwin, Alec, 2 .i. Kltii ( .iinova, 41 Ironweed, I'), 75 Monroe, Marilyn, 70, 74-75 Star Trek, ()
Banks, Russell, :7 555(KlatIflg with Nazi Jackson, Tito Moore, Demi, 6H Steinberg, Saul, 134
Barish. Keith, 69-75 homosexuals, 43 ('Il' rtprt'neurial (lair of, 74 Morton, Peter, 71 Sting,
bcHV IIIIddk-of-the-road, 69 celebrating Hiclers Jacksons, the, 36, 74 Murdoch, Rupert, 25 Stone, Oliver,
interpreting pre- hirehday. 42 Janowitz, Tama, IS Murphy, Eddie, 0 Stuyvesant, Peter, 8
Revolutionary French small penis of. 40 Jennings, Peter, 37 NAAWP. the, I , Styron, William, 73
nloTl;Ir( 1Ç, 71 tax liens of, 41 Johnson, Philip, I 5- I New Jack City, S Sununu, John, 88
Basinger, Kim, 70, 72 using pseudo-Muslim pen Kalikow, Peter, 2t') 2' New Republic, The, IR, 77 md mysterious Kennedy
Salman, 68-69. 73 name, 41 Katzenberg, Jeffrey 'Sparky" New York Times, The, 16, 18, connection, -6
Beatty, Warren, 6, 72 Dunne, Griffin, 30 a. introspection-tree lObO- Suzy.
Berman, AI Earl, Robert, 73-74 tX(( IItIVC," 20 '&-dcl i ng of, 44-1 Taylor, Lili, So
con1usin Martha Graham as compact Bric restaurant- Katz's Deli, 16 Nicholson, Jack, 72, 75 Teenage Mutant Ninfa Turtles
vith tarrh.i Raye, 22 chief. 71 Kelley, Kitty, i-12 Nixon, Richard, 15 Il: The Secret of the
Bernhard, Sandra, 82 Eastman, John, 29. 30. 32, 34 Kennedy, Bobby Jr. Nixon, Tricia, IS Ooze, 55
Bloom, Jake, 2 Eastman, Lee, 29. 30. 32-34, catisin lan'cr at latr)ir(Ittn1 Norton, Ed, ' Thomas, Clarence, 7, 36
Bly, Robert, 77 amusenx-n. 28 Olivier, Laurence, 74 Tigrett, Isaac, 71
Bogart, Humphrey, .0, 7 Eisenman, Peter, 15, 17 Kier, Lady Miss, 82 Onassis, Jackie, 72 Tinte, "i
Bon Jovi, Jon Eisner, Michael Kissinger, Henry Ono, Yoko, SO, 32, 34, 36 Toback, James, I 7
and aIIeiance W che possibly breaking up with delegating pet -(-are Parton, Dolly, 76, 83 Trump, Ivana, 76,84
(_,() l ( 7 Sporky, 20 rc's1,ovisihility, 28 Patric, Jason Truth or Oare, 35, 77
Brady, Nick, Elaine's, 68 Knopf, Alfred A., Inc. as 'good irïencl" (ti Bobby Tsongas, Paul
Brooks, Jim Elliot, Chris,

courting Walter Monheit, I 2 Zarem's, 72 I maginary fte-1,uint
.zrudgc-l)I)kIsng ot, 24 Ellis, Bret Easton, 15 Koch, Ed Paul Stuart, 77 Blackfooced Ferret
Burton, Tim, 69 Epstein, Jason potential San Gennaro- Phillips, Chynna and Pr"tcccion Plan of, 30
Bush, Barbara, 88 lx'ing lilleted, 19 inspired overindulgence Michelle, 77 Turnbull & Asser, 77
Bush, George, 6-7, 34, Farber, Manny, S of, 3() Piano Lesson, The, 24 Turner, Tina, '
70. St) Feshbach, Joe, Kurt and Kramden, Ralph Picasso, Pablo, 2001: A Space Odyssey, 50. 75
glandular probkms Matt, '12-58 MiIkencsue get-rich-quick Picasso, Paloma, 83 UPI, I

of. 29.88 and I 980s-style flaunting ol schemes of, 33 Podhoretz, Norman Vanity Fair,
Bush, Jonathan, 49 wealth, 56 Lancaster, Burt, 77 y .-: 1 Wagner, Robert, -

Bush, Millie, 80.88 as Operating Thetans of the Lazar, Swifty, 70 Porizkova, Paulina, 73 Washington Post, The, 22, 34
Bush, Neil, ( highest and second-highest running over his cook with a Presley, Elvis, (i-71 Wayans, Keenan Ivory, 25
Butterlield, Fox )r(lirs, S <tr. S Prince Charles, Hl Weisberg, Jacob, I
IIIn)t-r(II' l,untrs of. 18 Finnegans Wake, 76 LedZeppelin ¡II, 45 Prince Diniitri of Welles, Orson,
Caddyshack II, 60, 61 Fischer, Louis, 71 Leibovitz, Annie, 88 Yugoslavia, l-14 Westmoreland, William, 82
Canhy, Vincent, 'S Fitzwater, Marlin Leigh, Vivien, i uayle, Dan, )
Whitney, Craig,
CBS Evening News, The, 22 II( t li iiiuI
ordcrc'd to insert Lenya, Lotte, Rafferty, Terrence, 35 Whitton, Margaret, 50)
Chancy, Lon, 38 eyebrow pencil in Richard Let's Make a Deal, 74 Rather, Dan Wilkins, Fred, lU
Cher. Gephtrdt's rectum, 29 Liman, Arthur, s4 htirs' Ic'xas aphorisms of, 22 Wilkinson, Bill, il
Chemin, Peter, 24 Foley, Thomas, 82 Lindsay, John, i6 Rebel Without a Cause, 74, 75 Willis, Bruce, 68-69, 70, 71,
Clinton, Bill Forbes, Kip Little Richard, 57 Reeves, Keanu, 72-73, 75
itttcking enviro- as son of wealthy biker. 51 Lombardo, 30 Rehnquist, William, 37 almost doing "the feet
flOflSCflS('. Fox Broadcasting Company, London, Julie Ripken, Cal Jr., ?2 thing," 71
Coleman, Dabney, 24 21. 2S h onstruc(ing Roberts, Julia, r,-cval oat ng h is life, 20
Collins, Jackie, 60-61 Fox, Michael J., 73 tV'ake, 76 Robocop, Wilniot, Mollie, 84
Collins, Lisa, Furst, Anton, 69, 70-71, Loren, Sophia, "2-7 Rolling Stone, (a) Winkler, Henry
Come Back, Little Sheba, '' -1 -'s Los Angeles Times, the, 25. 3-i Ross, Steve \\I livun commune, 45
Costner, Kevin, ())t, 75 Gable, Clark, 74 Macklowe, Harry, 70, 73 amusing Senator Daniel Winthrop, John, 48
Crawford, Broderick Gandhi, Macpherson, Elle trouve, 13-I Witt, Katarina,
I keriI n) i rrir.ihk cocker Gass, William, 32 sLIlicrIu1 shortage ol Rushdie, Salman Wood, Natalie, I
spaniel, 64 Gates, Daryl, I S 1rPti'e mates, 72 ;i subject olsavage Bush Yeager, Chuck
Crawford, Cindy, Gates, Robert M., ;t'
Madonna, 35, 76,82 mockery, 88 ,l,S namesake for Holiday
Cronkite, Walter and Geffen, David, 1)il1lX)ar(ICd breasts of, 75 Saltzman, Elizabeth, 82 Inn's "last-minute
Betsy, Gelb, Arthur, ,I asRenaissance minstrel. 77 Sarris, Andrew, twcakin," room, 65
Crosby, Norm, 30 Gentleman's Agreement, S Mailer, Norman Scalia, Antonin, Young, Sean, 73
Culkin, Macaulay, 73 Gephardt, Richard, 2 being char.uteristically Schroeder, Patricia, I rI.tII( uIures of, 28
I Am(rI( UI urebred, 35 Gore, Al, 72 profisne. 28 Schwarzenegger, Arnold, Zahn, Paula, 22
Curry. Adam, 74 Gotti, John Maltese Falcon, The, 14. 24 68-70. 72-73, 75 Zane, Billy, MS
Dafoc, Willem, 37 l()Vablefl('SS of, 7 Mason, Jackie, f'rankness of, 71 Zarem, Bobby, 60,68-75)


Notes Toward a NOflfÌCtÌO
o v oiuce lliav

Hey, uh, Dictaphone, ya hear the one about Salman Rushdie's next
book? Got this from Nick Brady. is Salman Rushdie' s--think
it was Brady--what is Salman--or maybe I told him--what is Salman
Rushdie's--no, yeah, it was Brady--what is Salman Rushdie's next
book gonna be called? Big Fat Buddha Motherfucker! Know. Know.
Nearly wet my chinos first time I--wait, here's another one, even
better. Okay: Guy. And another guy. First guy says to the other
guy, "When's the last time that you, uh, had sex?" So the second,
the second guy says, "Nineteen forty." Back to the first fella.
I-le says, "That's a long time." And the second--wait, important, the
second fella, gotta understand this now, second fella is, oh, Norm
Schwarzkopf--and he says, Schwarzkopf, "Well, it's only 2120 now."
Can ya believe it? Okay, uh, on to more historical thoughts.
Commencement speaking--sick of it. The other week--Delaware?--
gave out night-high-school-equivalentness diplomas. One of those
education-president events. Even Yale was--lot of heckling, also
from the goddamn media: "What about this Colonel Henderson?" Hey!
Not exactly Colonel Naive here, know what's going on--trying to
make me say "Skull and Bones." (Checked--we can say it to
Dictaphones.) These reporters--just the sort of people that never
woulda been tapped. I don't blame Bar for hating that they follow
us up to Kennebunkport, and all she wants is to be herself, and
so what if she wants to kiss Millie on the lips? It's a private
thing, and nobody has to make the evening news for liking it.
Gotta be candid now about the thyroid: don't know why. That Bar
has it, and Millie with the dog version--don't read too much into
that, even with the kissing and the showering together. Mostly
thinking, Got this condition. Why not develop it out into
something positive? Got a problem, make a tiny adjustment in the
medication--doctor's supervision, of course--and bingo! Castro
gets uppity, pencil in some thyroid hyperactivity, Cuba's the
51st state. "Look out, Fidel--reducing the dosage!" Might make a
pretty good campaign slogan. "Reelect Bush: he'll lower the
dose." Make a note to test that one out on Sig.
Oh, yeah--got back those contact sheets from the photo shoot
with that Leibovitz woman, and darn if Sununu isn't in almost
every one. Some of 'em you only see part of his face down low
behind a deck chair or an umbrella, but I know those cheeks.
Didn't want that to happen. Figured when I mentioned--real casual
too--that there was a big stamp auction in Sacramento that maybe
it would mean all-clear for the session, chief-of-staff-wise. But
he's too crafty for me. So Leibovitz might have to come back,
which means to heck with Bar and her khakis, I can get back into
the presidential-sweatpants mode. Oops, gotta dash. Some more
staff want to come in and tell me to dump Sununu.

GHWB: gk
July 1991
9 EAST 16TH ST. NYC 10003 (2121 463-7101
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