Designed by Gary Marsh I Gone Loco, London Illustrated by Terry Gilliam, Gary Marsh, John Hurst Music edited

by John Du Prez

Black Notes

How to Play the Piano

1. Select the right key

2. Put it in the piano and open it (not essential, if you can't play)

3. Once the piano is fully open, put your fingers on top of the notes 4. Move your fingers about, making sure they hit the right notes

in the correct order*

5. Watch your friends be amazed * Like a pianist

For other instruments:

The same thing but without the piano

What the Piano looks like
A B C 0 E F G HII J K L M N 0 P Q R S T U V W Y Z Coming soon - How to read music

Do

do what?

Do what John? Do

G7

what, wiv whom and when?

Par -don? Come a- gain?

HOW TO READ THE MUSIC IN THIS BOOK.

Some of the notes in this book are very old indeed. Mozart is known to have used several of them and Beethoven too was not averse to putting them in his songs.

The Pythons have selected the best of these notes

to be in their songbook.
Note E looks like this: ))
Note F II II ))
NoteS II II ))
Note A II II ))
Note I II II ))
Note I: II II ))
Note D II II ))
Note E (again) II ))
Note II (not recommended) <f E'gq and bacon Egg, sausage a.nd ~acon Egg and spam bacon and spam oon, sausage and spam bacon! sausage and spam egg, spam, spalu,QacoD and spam, spa'm,eg9 and spa.m

Spam, sp,am, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam,spam, spam or I.Io~ster 'ti.hermidar aux crevettes with

egg 0

PASSIONTIDE

137

o LORD PLEASE DON'T BURN Us

Traditional Irish Melody Harmony by Erik Constrictor 1166-72

G

07

O#dim Ern

87

Ern 87

o

07

G

c

G

A7

o

G

1\ i I l I I I
·
I · · ·
· ·
t.1 ., - ., - ~ .. ., - ..
put us on the bar - be- cue, Or sim - mer us in stock. Don't
111..- III.. III.. III.. 111..- .. :J .. ~ ,. - fIJ" ~.
. ·
. · · o

G

a wok.

o LORD, please don't burn us, Don't grill or toast your flock, Don't put us on the barbecue, Or simmer us in stock, Don't braise or bake or boil us, Or stir-fry us in a wok.

2* Oh please don't lightly poach us, Or baste us with hot fat, Don't fricassee or roast us,

Or boil us in a vat,

And please don't stick thy servants, Lord, In a Roti ssomat.

Latin, VENANTIUS FORTUNATUS 530-609 Tr W. CHATTERTON DIX 1837-98 and others

*For descant version, see over

213

I I

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jl ffl n I j j j.

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(2u~tr:hnt' ist

du ])ol,-tal-Itr uu~ fUbJ mitb stark ltb stblaf ~tS :»atbts uu~

tiu ])ol,-fal -ltr uu~ fUblt steb stark lIer seblatt hs :ftaeuts uu~

11

baek am tr:a g. ltb fal - It lau-mt, ttU us mttu Irot lJeb
(luorus, lIer batkt am trag. faUt ~tt Jau-mt, tr tsst stiu Irot <let
) .1 " «: 11



gtb aut ~as 1J l. 1m ;lUtt -moeb gtb ieb sbop - piug JUu
!ltut aut ~as 1J Qt.. 1m .itt -motu !ltut tt' sbop - plug JUU! lttk - St ,um JUf - tte.

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ldj UUIt ~ ~ btqi ~ .tng ~tuk 3ihtttt¢1.t tu bk l\ls

1fd) sdJIupf tultaUttlklttbtt

tIlttlb luntmtl mid) tn 3Jars

er 1stdtt J).i(~ ~ fUbltsid) stadt ~ StbfiiUbts JladJts~ _tsm 1tag

ldj faUt ;~~ id) tSS tttttu ;itot Jdj gdJ auf bas 'Wet

fhu RlttttwdJ gdJ id) sfppptUg 1&au l«:ks't ~um lkaff:tt

~ WIt lijuntt, tt btqit ~ .tngt ~tukt;.s.Iutttm tu bk l\ls

et sdJIupft tu ~tbtt

tIlttlb luntmtlt sid) tn ;1\lrs._?

er taUt bk :rsaumt tt tsst stin 3Stot et gdJt aut bas 'Wet

fhu RlttttwdJ gdJt tt sfppptUg 1&aut l«:ks't ~um lkaff:tt

er 1st tin J).i(~tt ~ fUblt sid) stadt et stljift ~s JladJts ~ _t am trag

et 1st tin J).i(~ ~ fUfJt sid) stadt et stlJWt ~s JladJts ~ _tsm trag

Jdj Wlt ~t ttag ~~ tIlttlb ~trumpf ~ ;iusmu:wttt 'War gtt1.t tiu kltttltS ~ ~ bJk ttttin tDnkd 'Wa:1ttt

er taUt bit ~t ttiigt ~~ tIltttb ~trumpf ~ ;iusmu:wttt H'?

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Riding through the night Soon every lupin in the land Will be in his mighty hand He steals them from the rich And gives them to the poor Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr MOOre

Dennis Moore, DenniS Moore Galloping through the sward Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore And his horse Concorde

He steals from the rich

And gives to the poor

Mr MOOre, Mr Moore, Mr Moore

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Riding through the woods Dennis Moore, Dennis MOOre With a bag of things He gives to the poor And he takes from the rich Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dennis MOOre

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Dum dum dum the night Dennis MOOre, Dennis Moore Dum de dum dum plight He steals dum dum dum And dum dum dum dee Dennis dum, Dennis dee, dum dum dum

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Riding through the land Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Without a merry band He steals from the poor And gives to the rich Stupid bitch

I can see a bare-bottomed mandrill

Slyly eyeing his upper nostril

If he jumps inside there too

I really won't know what to do

I'll be a proud possessor of a kind of nasal zoo

A nasal zoo

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose

And what is worse it constantly explodes

Ferrets don't explode you say

But it happened nine times yesterday

And I should know 'cause each time

I was standing in the way

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose

,

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose

How it got there I can't tell

But now it's there it hurts like hell

And what is more it radically affects

my sense of smell

c

F

G7

got

a

fe r - ret stick - ing

up

my

c

F

G7

nose.

(Chorus)

F F#dim Am 07

G

Om

fer - ret stick - ing

got a

his

nose. (Solo)

c

But

now it's there it

c

Om7

- cally af - fects my sense of

up

How it got there

Om7

what is more it

Am

hurts like hell And

Da Capo

smell. (His sense of

smell.)

I I

LI ~

I

B rue e s

P h

I

losophers

Son 9

1m - ma-nu-el Kant was a real piss ant Who was ve - ry rare -Iy

sta-ble,

Hei -

deg-ger, Hei - deg-ger was a

boo - zy beg-gar Who could think you un - der the

A

ta - ble,

Da- vid Hume could out- con-sume Wil-helm Frie -drich He- gel,

And

Witt - gen - stein was a

E

beer - y swine Who was

87

just as schloshed as

Schle - gel

There's no - thing

Nietz-sche could - n't teach ya

'Bout the 87 1"':'\

Ddim

raj - sing of the wrist,

So - era - tes him - self was

per - rna- nent- Iy pissed.

Immanuel Kant was a real piss ant Who was very rarely stable, Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar Who could think you under the table, David Hume could out-consume Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'Bout the raising of the wrist, Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

Da capo

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,

On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill, Plato, they say, could stick it away,

Half a crate of whisky every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And Rene Descartes was a drunken tart, "I drink, therefore I am."

Yes Socrates, himself, is particularly missed, A lovely little thinker,

But a bugger when he's pissed.

G C Cm
~~ i j J " r' ] E ~ J J j )
;j-
MUd - d~ kneeS have got me «n a - qUi - ver, Mud - d~
G Em Am7 07 G C Cm
,# r' p EJJ J7J I j * f1 I r' ] EJJ t=J
kneeS have got me an a - glom, Mud - d~ kne e] have Sent me for a G Em A9 C/O 07 G
,# i7JeJ * g i7J J: J J J I J
pa - per TO a nemS - a - gent'S near here I knom. II

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~

/~

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q fa fa la

CO"

-

la

~UIVIIVI"nILlllIU

rnuuol

oK wrote aboUt

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\a la fa lEi

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\a \a la la fa fa

fa fa fa la la \3. \a fEi

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1Jilt'atl~ -I!' bol~ ~tt' 1M-btn t'o~~ fot'tl) from <!ta - m~ - lot.
j) QB QB
,# J. J l
I· ~ •• I r p I P I· I' I J) I· P I I·
I
I
ft'at~ to ~t~. ® braue ~ tt' 1M-btn. ])~ was not at aU 1.1 J~ J

])~ was not a -

a - ft'at~ to be

j) ~.su.s 4 j) ~m j) QB j)
4# J l J J J J. [) J l J
J) ~ I •• I Jl I·
I
ktll~~ rn nas - t1' wa1's. 1Jilt'atlt. bt'atl~. braue, bt'atl~ ~tt' 1M-btn. _. II

Take it away, Eric the Orchestra Leader

F

Er-ic the Half a

G

Er - Ie the Half a F

Bee

fF G

. ~e

A-one, two, a-one two three four

I love this hive employ-ee-ee, bisected accidentally, one summer afternoon by me, I love him carnally.

He loves him carnally Semi-carnally. The end. Cyril Connolly?

No, semi-carnally. Oh.

Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.

But half the bee, has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. D'you see? But can

a bee be said to be, or not to be an entire bee,

when half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?

La di di, one two three, Eric the half a bee. ABC D E F G, Eric the half a bee.

Is this wretched demi-bee, half asleep upon my knee, some freak from a menagerie? No!

It's Eric the half a bee. Fiddle di dum, fiddle di dee, Eric the half a bee. Ho ho ho, tee hee hee, Eric the half a bee.

Cylil ConncJly (Ends with eIatorale whistle)

y

A

o

B

u

c

K

E

T

T

y

c c
$2 II: j j J JD I j --- a r
J 1 1 1 J;
(Yum yum) Yum yum di buc - ket - ty, Rum ting phu-taow,
(All) Ya di buc-ket-ty, Rum ting phu-taow,
Om C
$ ~ r-«: (J :11
r< r C~ ]< \ - -
\ \
Vi ni ni, Yaowww!
Vi ni ni, Yaowww! ~~' that's a

~

900

a

i(/ea

for a

Son 9 ,

m m h , , , 0 n sec 0 n d tho ugh t s god 0 W n' 0

ALIIIT'll ti ..... g phLlltatC>vv

Vi Ni Ni

Vatc>vvvvvv!

·Vi Ni Nil

ALIIIT'll ti ..... g phLlltatC>vv

Vi Ni Ni

Vatc>vvvvvv!

I !toad and get me twenty Rothmans

Vao

,

Rhubarb

Tart

I want another slice of rhubarb tart I want another lovely slice I'm not disparaging the blueberry pie But rhubarb tart is oh-so-very nice

A rhubarb what? A rhubarb tart A what-barb tart? A rhu-barb tart I want another slice of rhubarb tart

The principles of modern philosophy Were postulated by Descartes Discarding everything he wasn't certain of He said, "I think therefore I am a rhubarb tart"

A rhubarb what? A rhubarb tart Rene who? Rene Descartes Poor mutt, he thought he was a rhubarb tart

Rhubarb tart has fascinated all the poets Especially the Immortal Bard He made Richard the Third callout at Bosworth Field "My kingdom for a slice of rhubarb tart"

Immortal what? Immortal tart Rhubarb what? A rhubarb Bard As rhymes go that is really pretty bad

, tiM D A7 D A7 D D
• J~.J • \(9)J • J~.J •
2 J1 I J JJ ). J. J J t JJ I J JJ I
I
I want a - no -ther slice of rhu - barb tart. I want a - no -ther A7

(9)]. ). I

D7

D

J

love - ly

slice.

I'm

D

A7

D

I

G

not

B7 Em B7 Em
~. I f ~ ~ ~ I f· r- I r t V I
I I
dis - pa - ra-ging the blue-berry pie, But
A
• • I
- 1 ~.
. ~h so ~e-ry

rhu-barb tart is

nice.

Chorus

~ ~

a rhu-barb tart.

I ~

A

A rhu-barb what?

Bb

A7

A what-barb

G7

/ fl l+ • ~ I _Ie L 1
.
1m
, ~ I r I r I r I
a rhu~barb tart. I want a - no - ther slice of rhu-barb tart.
i: l+ I ~ I ~
.
•• ... ... ... • . _ • I'" 1"\ ,''L _r-;: -n-
f) I r I r I r I tart?

I

want a - no - ther slice of rhu-barb tart.

Since Wassily Kandinsky and Paul Klee Laid down the axioms of abstract art Even Jackson Pollock and Piet Mondrian Prefer to paint a slice of rhubarb tart

Wassi who? A Wassi-ly Kandin who? A Kandin-sky

And how did he get in there for a start?

Read a~l the existentialist philosophers Like Schopenhauer and Jean-Paul Sartre Even Martin Heidegger agreed on one thing Eternal happiness is rhubarb tart

A rhubarb what? A rhubarb tart

Jean-Paul who? Jean-Paul Sartre

That sounds just like a rhyme from Lionel Bartre

I want another slice of rhubarb tart I want another lovely slice

I'm not disparaging the blueberry pie But rhubarb tart is oh-so-very nice

"""'It\~\~~J~Q\\~(h.u" 'mt\~l_':) O':)hVlOV. ·.'t.'~,"'l.''\S)Sl(.u«t 'W.\~~

WAHa8tlIT~

asosua HO'i OK02 A 'W.\~'al ~&'lJ

Bung tiddJe

t7

on

v:

bin g'i-'f

Bing tiddle tiddle I

Bung tiddle tiddle bang

Bung tiddle tiddle tiddle

Bun g 'tid die tid die

r '. I

Bung tiddle tiddle bang

Bing"/tl'ddle tiddle Bang tiddle tiddle Bon g,lJ d die tid die

*

Bing tiddley

How they fared:

1 st: Monaco with "Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong" 2nd: Italy with "Si Si Baing Bang"

3rd: Germany with "Nein Bong Uber Tiddle" Equal 4th: England with "Bang Bang Bang Bang"

Ireland with "Ay Ay Ay Ay" Scotland with "Och Och Och Och" Israel with "Oy Oy Oy Oy"

5th: France with "Post Coitum Omnia Animal Tristes Est" 6th: Sweden with "Ding Ding A Dong"

from Yu - shu

Wu - han and Hoo- Kow

And B~

the ri over

(Chopin Polonaise No.6 Op. 53 in A flat)

The most tnteresunv thing about King Charles I is that he was 5'6" tall at the start 0/ his reign, but only 4'8" tall at the end of'it.: because of ..

(Chorus)

o Ii -ver Cram-well Lord Pro - tee-tor of Eng-land (RJ-R - TAN) Born in

o Ii - ver Cram - well Lord Pro - tee- tor of Eng-land (AND HIS WARTS) Born in

OmE7 Am

fit - teen nine - t y - nine and died in six - teen fif - teen nine - ty - nine and died in six - teen

fit ty - eight

fif ty - eight

( SEP - TEM - BERJ (SEP-TEM-BERJ

Was But

06

at first (aJ - Ly) a - las (0- VAY!)

G9

P. for Hun- tlng-don (BUT THEN) He

OJ - sa - gree-mentthen broke out (EE'-TVlIEEN) The Pres - by

07sus4 A6 06 Em

--

led the I - ron-side CB-val - ry at Mars -ton te-rlan Par -lia -ment and the mi - Ii -tary who

c

87

Em

Moor in six -teen for - ty - four and meantto have an in· de- pen-dent bent. And

07

G Edim G

~
won Then he faun - ded the New Ar my And
so ... The Sa - cond a War broke out And the
87 Em 07 G Edim G E7 praise be, beat the CB - va Round- head ranks Faced the CB • va

Am

Om

Am

Om

. liers at Nasa by And the
- liers at Pres . ton, Lanes. And the
Am Om Am King fled up North like a bat to the Scots.
King lost a - gain, sn Iy thing (S7lJ PID Gm·
07 Em7 A7 07

• But under the terms of John Pimm's solemn league and covenant, the Scots handed King Charles lover to ...

And Cromwell sent Colonel Pride to purge the House of Commons of the Presbyterian Royalists, leaving behind only the rump Parliament ...

Which appointed a High Court at Westminster Hall To indict Charles I for ... tyranny OOOHHH!

Charles was sentenced to death Even though he refused to accept That the court had ... jurisdiction SAY GOODBYE TO HIS HEAD

Poor King Charles laid his head on the block JANUARY 1649 Down came the axe, and ...

In the silence that followed, the only sound that could be heard was a solitary giggle, from ...

Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England OLE Born in 1599 and died in 1658 SEPTEMBER Then he smashed IRELAND Set up the Commonwealth AND MORE He crushed the Scots at Worcester And beat the Dutch at sea In 1653 and then He dissolved the rump Parliament And with Lambert's consent Wrote the instrument of the Government Under which Oliver was Protector at last The end.

The world today seems ab sotutety crackers With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger It's depressing and it's senseless and that's why ...

I like Chinese I like Chinese

The y' 0 n I y com e u p toy 0 u r k nee s Yet they're always friendly And they're ready to please

I like Chjrie se

I like Chinese

There's nine hundred million of them In the world today

You'd better learn to like them That's what I say

I like Chinese

I like Chinese

They come from a long way overseas But they're cute and they're cuddly And they're ready to please

I like Chinese food

The waiters never are rude

Think of the many things they've done to impress There's Maoism, Taolsrn, I Ching and chess

So I like Chinese

I like Chinese

II Ilike their tiny little trees

Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese

I like Chinese thought

The wisdom that Confucius taught If Darwin is anything to shout about

The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt

So I like Chinese

I like Chlne se

They only come up to your knees Yet they're wise and they're witty And tne y're ready to please

I like Chinese

I ~ike Chinese

The ir food is guaranteed to please

A fourteen, a seven, a nine and Iychees

I like Chinese

I like Chinese

I like their tiny Ilittle trees

Their Zen, their ping-pong, the ir yin and yang-ese

I like Chinese ...

like Chi • nese,

like Chi nese,

They on

A7

Iy come up to your

07 G

G

E7

knees,

Yetthey're al-ways friend-Iy, andthey're rea-dy to please.

like Chi -

A7

o

nese,

like Chi - nese,

There's nine hun- dred mil-lion of them in the

E7

A7

07

world to-day,

You'd bet - ter learn

what I say.

to like them, that's

like Chi - nese,

like Chi - nese, E7

a long way 0- ver - 07

I G

They come from A7

seas, Butthey're cute, andthey're cudd-ly andthey're rea dy to please.

like Chi - nese

food,

The

wai - ters ne- ver are

rude

07

Think of

the ma - ny things

they've

im -press

There's

done to

A7

07

E7

Mao-is - m

Tao - is - m,

Ching and chess

G D+5
'ti j r---'1 ~j ~
! #1 J II #~ 1- #1 J I ~~
I
Hen-ry Kis - sing - er How I'm mis - sing yer
G7 C7
'ti ~j ,.....,
r IT 0 1- n1 J I ~ 1-
of my dreams With your crink -Iy hair G

I ~

J I" #H:r44f

IT

o

G

1- P J 1 F f' *

You're the

Doc-tor

And your rna-chia-vel

lian

schemes

j J 1 d

and your glas - sy stare A7

1-

know they say that

'ti D
F #r rp I (q)o 1- , I J ~ ,J ~ I I
* j p r * I J
" • J
you are ve - ry vain And short and fat and pu-shy but at
D7 D+5 G
'ti J)z£:J Ilj ~ #J j
r r ~ ~ * n1 J #Jhr I-
I
least you're not in - sane Hen - ry Kis - sing - er How I'm
'ti A7 D7 G
~ j
F r F IF * F I r IT I r II
0
mis - sing yer And wish - ing you were here. Henry Kissinger How I'm missing yer You're so chubby and so neat With your funny clothes and your squishy nose You're like a German parakeet All right so people say that you don't care But you've got nicer legs than Hitler And bigger tits than Cher Henry Kissinger How I'm missing yer And wishing you were here

The Background to History

( from the hit Broadway musical An Introduction to the Open Field System in Mediaeval England Part IV )

A new series on Radio 3, introduced by Professor Angus Jones of the Open University Part IV: The Open Field Farming System in Mediaeval England

PROF. JONES: One of the main elements in any study of the mediaeval open-field farming system is the allocation of plough teams for the winter sowing.

Professor Tofts of the University of Manchester puts it like this:

Molto Marlioso

"To plough once in the win -ter sow-ing, and a-gain in Lent,
~ F C G
J J J J J £J_jJ J - I J J J J J ,... J_j
J
sow - ing with as rna - ny ox - en sow - ing with as rna - ny ox en

as

he

shall have

yoked C

the plough."

in

c

F

F

oh yes... on yes... "as

PROF. JONES: But of course there is considerable evidence of open-field villages as far

back as the tenth century. Professor Moorhead:

Poco Glitteroso B~ E~
G C C f1s;l12nd r3-, C
r-«


There's e - vi - denee There's e- vi-dence (E-vi -dence?) E - vi -dence (E - vi -dence?) There's e - vi -dence (E - vi -dence?)
C Am Om G
, J l J l J.
F P F P an Jl I r ~ r ~ t·
E - vi - dence of set - tie - ments with one long vii - lage street, c

Om

G

Am

farm -steads, ham - lets, lit - tie towns - the frame -work was com-plete. By the

B~

time ...

f3, r-3-.,

of

the

Nor - man Con - quest. ..

G

the C

FU-ral

frame-work

ru -ral frame -work was com-plete.

was

com-plete.

PROF. JONES: This is not to say of course that the system was as sophisticated as it later came to be. I asked the Professor of Mediaeval Studies at Cambridge why this was. PROF.HEGERMANN: Well it may not have been a statutory obligation, but I mean, a guy who was a freeman was obliged in the mediaeval system to ...

PROF. JONES: To do boonwork?

PROF. HEGERMANN: That's right. There's an example from the village rolls in 1313. PROF. JONES: And I believe you're going to do it for us.

PROF. HEGERMANN: That's right, yes ...

Sempre Heyjudioso

-
(Oh) It's writ - ten in the vii - lage rolls that "if one
A E
-
plough- team wants an ox - en and that ox en is
0 lent,

then

have

the vii - leins and

E

the plough - man Chorus

Then the

~'-' con-sent."

o

A

E

vii - leins and the plough- man got

to have the lord's con-sent."

I

A B7

J----ll. i 1 J JQ .J QJ=- -i714 ~

~ E ~ E

-;;=--4~ R j

" J ..

got two legs from my hips to the ground And when I move them they
A
J =f=i* t l=-i. 1= 1 ~ ~ J ... !j 1=1
J

a . round And when I I itt them they climb the stairs And I've

walk

E
T ~. 3 J l;J- ~. ~ j j
-f J
when I shave them they ain't got hairs. I've got two .. Today I can hear the robin sing.

Today the thrush is on the wing.

Today who knows what life will bring? Today!

G13 C Am? Dm? G13 C Gm? C13
~~ 2 j 1 J ~ Jfgl PJ J ~ ]1 J~J ~ jl puJ JJ J. P 1
J
To - day I hear the ro - bin sing. To - day the thrush is on the wing. To -
F9 ~i B~ B~m7 B~m6 F/ A A~6 Gm7 F
~~ l 0$0
r· p f' -J1 I E ~ r~r r II
:J
day who knows what life will bring? To - day! • G .. 07 G G

4 I J J 1 I J F' ;PI J J I t a a I J a a I j a I ~ I

Ne- ver be rude to an A - rab,

An Is - rae - Ii, or Sau - di,or

C E7 Am E7 Am D7

tJJ 1 I hJ a I ar r If j I j a I ~...---.-..

Jew, Ne- ver be rude to an I - rish - man No mat - t~

G 07 G 07 G

IT r IF 11 t I J J] I JF J I 0JJ:;it . ' :. .

Spik, or a Wop. or a Kraut,

And ne - ver put

what you do.

Ne - ver poke fun at a Nig-ger

G7 C A7 07

4 # Waa I J a J I-J 1- J I J J J I -

I

Fin-land. Fin-land,

coun-try where

want to

Fin-land,

The

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Fin - land, Fin - land,

Fin - land,

for

It's

the coun-try

me.

You're

Aus - sia.

So far from Ja

to

G ,-3~ r3,

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so

near

c

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pan Quite a long way from

Cai-ro.

Lots of miles from Viet - narn.

Finland, Finland, Finland

The country where I want to be Eating breakfast or dinner

Or snack lunch in the hall Finland, Finland, Finland Finland has it all

You're so sadly neglected And often ignored

A poor second to Belgium When going abroad

Finland, Finland, Finland

The country where I quite want to be Your mountains so lofty

Your treetops so tall

Finland, Finland, Finland

Finland has it all

Finland has it all, ..

cl jed

1 78 7.

Handel and Haydn and Rachmaninov Enjoyed a nice drink with their meal But nowadays no-one will serve them And their gravy is left to congeal

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co \ \

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Verdi and Wagner delighted the crowds With their highly original sound

The pianos they played are still working But they're both six feet underground

a

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no f.un

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They're decomposing composers There's less of them every year

You can say what you like to Debussy But there's not much of him left to hear

1 8 8 0

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but his mu - sic lives on, and
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no more, You'll ne - ver meet Liszt or Beet - ho - ven's gone,

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and Cho - pin used to chuck - Ie and laugh, Whilst com Schu - bert

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po - sers, There's no - thing :much a - ny - one can do,
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o\' hear Beet - ho - ¥en, ~

~

Beet- ho- ven can - not hear you.

'0 3 7

ATterwora

••••••••••••••

Many people, after reading a book like this, may well prepare a salad or a timbale des fruits without washing their hands. This can lead to itching, discomfort and bottom problems.

It is imperative after reading explicitly musical material to wash, scrub, scour, or better still, sand-blast your hands before doing anything else. In fact, to be totally safe, we suggest you cut them off and put them somewhere well away from dirt. This does not mean you can make a salad with the stumps. In fact, if

you want to avoid serious illness, don't make salad at all, or read books, or better still, be alive. I've been dead for over a year now and can honestly say I've never felt better.

Yours sincerely,

Brigadier N.Q.T.F. Sixpence (Mrs)

07

G

D7

ny-thing goes In.

- mas, Mut - ton! Beef!

ne - gave

Ii - al me scro

in - fec - tlon,

- tal pus - tules

G#dim

How with

a

miss you more and more quick flick of your wrist

87

Your Your

Verse D A
.

.
-
My pe - nile warts your her - pes, My sy - phi - Ii - tic sores, Your moe-
sy - phi - Ii - tic kiss - es sealed the se - cret of our tryst You
A7 D D7 G

D

. -

dho-bl's itch, my scrum -pox, Our love - Iy go nor - rhoea, At
trt - cho- va - gin - i - tis sent shi - vers down my spine I got
E7 lIst A A+5 I
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a
least we both were Iy - ing when we said that we were clear Our
snail tracks in my a - nus When your
CHORUS I D spi - ro -chaetes met mine

GJ - no- coc - cal u

re - thri - tis

E7

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strep - to-coo - cal ba - Ii - ni - tis

Me - nln - go my - e - Ii - tis

D 87

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Sy - phi -Ii - tic cho - rol - di - tis

and an - te- rior u - ve - - tis.

Aseptic dressings for s!! occaSions

SPECIALLV SELECTEDBV

• GNOR

ARUSO ...

FOR SONGS THAT ARTISTS SING

Inflammation of the foreskin reminds me of your smile j've had ballanital chancroids for quite a little while

I gave my heart to NSU that lovely night in June

I ache for you, my darling, and I hope you get well soon

CAL LOn

§-----

So

WITH PIANO ACCOMPANIMENT. AD LIB.

WORDS BV

l\4.R ERIC IDLE & DR GRAHAM CHAPMAN

MUSIC By

ALSO PUBLISHED AS A VOCAL DUET IN KEYS E# & G

My clapped-out genitalia is not so bad for me

As the complete and utter failure every time I try to pee My doctor says my buboes are the worst he's ever seen My scrotum's painted orange and my balls are turning green

My heart Is very tender though my parts are awful raw

You might have been infected but you never were a bore

I'm dying of your love, my love, I'm your spirochaetal clown I've left my body to science but I'm afraid they've turned it down

COPYRIGHT MCMLXXX By THE KGB

KAV-GEE-BEE MUSIC LTD & OCEAN MUSIC LTD

68a Delancey Street, London N.W.1 New York. Paris. Clapham Junction.

For surgical sports of all kinds

Although my name's not

like like

07

G

been.

I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights,

No matter where they've been.

I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights,

But only when they're

He likes traffic lights, He likes traffic lights, He likes traffic lights,

No matter where they've been.

He likes traffic lights, He likes traffic lights, He likes traffic lights,

But only when they're green.

I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, That is what I said.

I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights,

But not when they are

He likes traffic lights, He likes traffic lights, That is what he said.

He likes traffic lights, He likes traffic lights, He likes traffic lights, He likes traffic lights, He likes traffic lights,

But not when they are red.

I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights,

I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights, I like traffic lights,

I...Oh God!

like trat - tic like traf - tic lights,

trat - flc trat - fie

like like

G

green.

G

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Sri -an ...

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the babe they called Sri -an C

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grew grew and grew,

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be A boy called

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hands C

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This boy

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And he

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grew grew and grew,

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grew up to be

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low

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shave

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show girls

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Brian ... the babe they called Brian He grew ... grew, grew and grew Grew up to be

Grew up to be

A boy called Brian A boy called Brian

He had arms and legs and hands and feet This boy whose name was Brian

And he grew ... grew, grew and grew

Grew up to be

Yes he grew up to be

A teenager called Brian A teenager called Brian

And his face became spotty

Yes his face became spotty

And his voice dropped down low And things started to grow

On young Brian and show

He was certainly no

No girl named Brian

Not a girl named Brian

And he started to shave And have one off the wrist And want to see girls

And go out and get pissed A man called Brian

This man called Brian

The man they called Brian This man called Brian

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not the Noel Coward son~

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.

YIn ~dcu~ n«:e ?Ohav-e a~/ YIn ~d?~~~?Okve a ~.? .Yf-~ ~?Okve a ~/

.Yf-~ ~?O ~ d: cdC/£ gT~de~~~/ g;;de~~~~.

Jo ~ ~?4C~MC ~ 04C~q~/Za.j> ~fo ~ o-ne-eyeaf ~AAWZ ~/ q/OZMC~ c;?~ ~U/~ ~ k~?~ ~~ 9~ 04C ~ cod_,

Wo~ ~ a£?C~ dey/i c% ~/ ~~~dc%~~

£%lcc?" ok-n- ~ ude d cua c% ~c/

G de;y t:~ ~ yA/U m de ~

..s;t;d ~ coon ~ ~ne ~.

Frightfully witty!

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF. ..

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF ...

Am7

G

G6

Some

things in life are bad

O#dim

They can real - Iy make you mad

G G6

Am7

Oth - er things just make you swear and

Am7 O#dim G

When you're

curse

E7 .

chew - ing on life's gris -tle

Don't grum - ble, give a whis -tle

And

A7

07

Em7

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this'll

help things turn out for the

best

And ...

AI - ways look on the

Am7 07 ~3~

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Am7 07

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bright side of life

Am707 G

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(Whistle) Al-ways look on the

Em7 Am7 07

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light side of life

(Whistle)

life seems jol-Iy rot-ten There's

G6

some- thing you've for - got- ten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and

Am73 3 Adim G

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When you're feel - ing in the dumps

Don't be sil - Iy chumps

Just

purse your

LIFE

SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE BAD THEY CAN REALLY MAKE YOU MAD

OTHER THINGS JUST MAKE YOU SWEAR AND CURSE WHEN YOU'RE CHEWING ON LIFE'S GRISTLE DON'T GRUMBLE, GIVE A WHISTLE

AND THIS'LL HELP THINGS TURN OUT FOR THE BEST ...

AND ... ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ...

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE LIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ...

IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN

AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS

DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS •

JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE, THAT'S THE THING

AND ... ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ...

COME ON, ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ...

FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW FORGET ABOUT YOUR SIN, GIVE THE AUDIENCE A GRIN ENJOY IT, IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE ANYHOW SO ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF DEATH JUST BEFORE YOU DRAW YOUR TERMINAL BREATH LIFE'S A PIECE OF SHIT WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT LIFE'S A LAUGH AND DEATH'S A JOKE, IT'S TRUE YOU'LL SEE IT'S ALL A SHOW KEEP 'EM LAUGHING AS YOU GO JUST REMEMBER THAT THE LAST LAUGH IS ON YOU

AND ... ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ... ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ...

COME ON GUYS, CHEER UP

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE .

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE .

WORSE THINGS HAPPEN AT SEA, YOU KNOW ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ... I MEAN, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

YOU KNOW, YOU COME FROM NOTHING YOU'RE GOING BACK TO NOTHING

WHAT HAVE YOU LOST? NOTHING!

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE ...

*

B~

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It's Christ -mas in Hea-ven,

B~ E~F

All the child - ren sing, B~

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It's Christ-mas in Hea-ven, Hark

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ring It's Christ - mas in Hea - yen, the

f

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hark those church bells em?

F?

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snow falls from the sky... But it's nice and warm and e - very -one Looks

E~ B~ (Double Speed) B~

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smart and wears a tie. It's Christ - mas in Hea - yen, There's

em? F?
~~ lJJ ~ J • j
J J j * * Jl :Qfj I j fJ J J I
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great films on T V The Sound of Mu - sic twice an hour And
B~ E~ B~
,~ IF J
l I a * * a I il IJ~ J lJ I
J J? f· ~ "1 l
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Jaws I /I and 11/ There's gifts for all the fam - i - Iy, There's
em? F?
,~ lJJ j J~ J j • J kJ
J P J j * * I J~J Jl 'I r I
toi - let- ries and trains There's So-ny Walk-man head- phone sets Andthe
~ CHORUS B~ r---3~
r---3~ 13,
2:~ r p F ~ f j * ,a II: f a J of :J J I f r - I

la - test vi - de - 0 games! It's Christ - mas It's Christ - mas in Hea-ven, B~

f a J f a J I f * r F I ~ F p~r 1- IT.I P r n I

F?

:11

Hip hip hip hip hip hoo - ray,

E-very sin -gle day,

Christ -rnas Day. *

It's

o

*

*

*

*

D

Sit on my face

and tell me that you love me

I'll sit on your face and

F

4 J:jiJJId.

G F G C

IlJ~ ]1 E· I J r ·ft .=ill

tell you I love you

too

love to

hear you

a - ra -lise

When I'm be- tween your thighs

You blow me a- way

Sit on my face and

Cmaj7 C C6 C7

f ] J ]1 J til * ]1 i2 J

F

j ]1 J Jri rt~

Am Fm6

I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you tru

C A7 F

rIFr·· r D] p;$?[ -Ff}J ~ ~

let my lips em- brace you

I r' f ~ I f'

Iy

Life can be fine

if we both six - ty - nine If we sit on our fa-ces In

Om7 G7 C C7 F Fm C G7 C

lJ-ll t-U4···[?J::44Lr-L- f-Lfj·__f._jEI4I-::::lJ

all sorts of pla-ces And play till we're blown a - way.

, .u
/ _'" ilfl_ " ".
I . .
, ~ Qtbo~us 1 • •• • • • •
< ~p! ~p! ~p! !'out' Pt'~ - nu-um j,ct' ill -bl~ a way an~ ba -Iance tb~
t 1\ .u
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Gmaj7

etc

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, ~ ?J:. • •• • • • • ?J:. •• •
i>ct'ib-bl~ a wa!' but ba -Iance tb~ 11 t's fun to
f 1\ .u books books
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G

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sail tb~ wi~~ ac-couu-tan -

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skirt tb~ slJoaIs ofbank -t'upt - c!, l1t can b~ man -11' in in -
,# G G6 B7 8n
1- I#J I#J J ~ I J
J. J. 7 • • J • • Jl
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su - t'anc~ ttJ~'ll up pout' Pt'~ -mtum s~ - mi - an - nua! - 11'
,# C C#dim G
S· J I J J J I J • J b I J J J ~
J5 Jl

l1t's all tax - ~~ - cue ti - ble, ttJ~'t'~ fait' - 11' in - cot' -
,# E7 A7 D7 l G
J J J • I J J J J I J J J Jl I J II
Jl I
t'up - ti - bl~, ttJ~'t'~ sail - ing on tb~ wi~~ ac - co un - tan - cpt There are ..Jevvs in the vvorld, There are Buddhists, There are Hindus and Mormons and then, There are those that follo\IV Mohanllned, But I've never been one of them ...

I'm a Roman Catholic.

And have been since before I vvas born, And the one thing they say about Catholics, Is they'll take you as soon as you're vvarm ...

You don't have to be a six-footer, You don't have to have a great brain, You don't have to have any clothes on

You're a Catholic the moment Dad carne .

Because .

Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great.

If a sperm is vvasted, God gets quite irate.

Let the heathen spill theirs.

On the dusty ground, God shall rroake therro pay for Each sperm that can't be found.

Every sperm is W'anted, Every sperm is good, Every sperm is needed In your neighbourhood.

Hindu, TaOist, Mormon, Spill theirs just anyW'here, But God loves those vvho treat their Semen vvith more care.

Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is W'asted, God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is good, Every sperm is needed In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is useful, Every sperm is fine, God needs everybody's, Mine!

And mine! And mine!

Let the pagan spill theirs, O'er mountain, hill and plain, God shall strike them dovvn for Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is good, Every sperm is needed In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is ·W'asted, God gets quite irate.

J elusareITl.

D G D Brnsusa Bm
~ j~ 2 * ~ l ;1 I r' ~ J I
Jl •
And did those feet in an-cient time wark u-pon Eng- rand's moun- tains
~ ji G D Bm F#m Bm F# m
f""" 1 I p Q I
l J r' E r' V ~
J. Jl

gleen? And was the ho ry Ramb of God on _ Eng- rand's
Bm7 E7 A Em Am
~ -# §J J j I J. J j J I l ~ f )

prea - sant pas - tules seen? And did the Coun te - nance Di
Em A7 G D7 G
~ jfi l J j 3 I r' p r· ) c ~
:oJ
vine shine faith u - pan our croud ed hirrs? And was Je
Em A Ah F# m Bm G D/F# Gmaj7 A7 D
~~D ~ F" j J
(' ~ r c- ~ I ~ lJJ I ~. j J II
-= d ~
lu - sa- rem buir - ded here a- mong these dark Sa - ta - nic mirrs? Sling me my bovv of bulning gord!

Sling me my allovvs of desile!

Sling me my speal! 0 crouds unford!

Sling me my chaliot of file!

I sharr not cease flom ~entar Fight N 01 sharr my S vvold sreep in my hand, Tirr vve have buirt Jelusarem

In Engrand's gleen and preasant Rand.

~

I

TITLE

Accountancy Shanty

All Things Dull and Ugly Always Look on the Bright Side Anything Goes

Background to History

Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong Brave Sir Robin

Brian

Bruces' Philosophers Song Christmas in Heaven Decomposing Composers Dennis Moore

00 What John?

Eric the Half a Bee Every Sperm is Sacred Ferret Song

Finland

Galaxy Song

Henry Kissinger

Hers Comes Another One Holzf!lller!iederhosen

I Be! You They Won't Play ... I Like Chinese

I Like Traffic lights I'm So Worried

I've Got Two Legs Jelusarem

Knights of the Round Table

lumberjack Song Meaning of Life Medical love Song

Money Song Muddy Knees

Never be Rude to an Arab

o lord Please Don't Bum Us Oliver Cromwell

Penis Song (Not Noel Coward) Proust Song

Rhubarb Tart Song

Sit on my Face

Sparn Sonq Today

Va Di Bucketty Yanqtse Song

MUSIC

E. Idle, J. Du Prez Trad., arr, J. Du Prez Eric Idle

Terry Jones

Neil Innes

Fred Tomlinson Neil Innes

D. Howman, A. Jacquernin Eric Idle

Eric Idle

Michael Palin

What music?

Eric Idle Eric Idle

D. Howman, A. Jacquemin Bob leaper

Michae! Palin

E. idle, J. Du Prez Eric Idle

Terry Jones

M. Palin, T. Jones, F. Tomlinson Eric Idle

Eric Idle

Terry Jones

Terry Jones

Terry Gilliam

Sir Hubert Parry Neil Innes

M. Palin, T. Jones, F. Tomlinson E. Idle, J. Du Prez

E. Idle, J. Du Prez

John Gould Terry Jones Terry Jones John Du Prez

Chopin, arr, J. Du Prez Eric Idle

Fred Tomlinson JohnCleese Harry Parr Davies

1: Jones, F. Tomlinson

WORDS

E. Idle, J. Du Prsz Eric Idle

Eric Idle

Terry Jones

Neil Innes

Graham Chapman Eric Idle

Michael Palin Eric fdle Terry Jones Michael Palin

G. Chapman, J. Cleese

Eric Idle

E. Idle, J. Cleese M. Palin, T. Jones

J. G. Chapman

Michael

Eric Idle

Eric Idle

Terry Jones

M. Palin, T. Jones Eric Idle

Eric Idle

Terry Jones

Terry Jones

Terry Gilliam

W. Blake, G. Chapman G. Chapman, J. Cleese

M. Palin, T. Jones Eric Idle

E. Idle, G. Chapman

E. Idle, J. Gould Terry Jones

Terry Jones

G. Chapman, J. Cleesa .John Oleese

Eric Idle

Fred Tomlinson John Cleese Eric Idle

M. Palin, T. Jones Bill McGulfie

T. Jones, J. Cleese M. Palin, T. Jones

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Lyrics © Kay-Gee-Bee

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SOURCE

Meaning of life Contractual Obligation liteo! Brian

Flying Circus Matching Tie

Flying Circus HofyGrall

lite of Brian

Matching Tie

Meaning of life Contractual Obligation Flying Circus/

Previous Record Contractual Obligation Previous Record Meaning of life

At last the 1948 Show Contractual Obligation Meaning of life Contractual Obligation Contractual Obligation Fliegender Zirkus Contractual Obligation Contractual Obligation Contractual Obligation Contractual Obligation Live at Drury lane

Holy Grail

Flying Circus

Meaning of life Contractual Obligation

Previous Record Contractual Obligation Contractual Obligation Meaning of life

Monty Python Sings Meaning of life Previous Record

At last the 1948 Show Contractual Obligation

Flying Circus Flying Circus Previous Record Previous Record

This book was originally published in Great Britain in 1994 by Methuen London, an imprint of Reed Consumer Books Ltd.

Tbe Instant Monty Python CD Collection Virgin Records #39820

non-silence. insanity and mayhem from

onto 6 (also on cassette).

booklet.

Available aU retailers now.

Also available: Monty Python Sings and The Final Rip-off.

THE IlAIRLY IMCOMPLETE AND RATHER BADLY ILLUSTRATED MONTY PYTHON SONG

BOOK. Copyright © 1994 by Productions Ltd. Illustrations

Gilliam, Gary Marsh and John Individual © as

above. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States part of this

book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written per-

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Harper Collins books may be purchased tional use. For information Harpet'Collins Publishers, Inc., 10

FIRST us. EDITION

Designed with assistance Music Co-ordinated

ISBN 0-06-095116-8

9596 9798 99 RRD 109876543 21

WARNING: SOME OF THE WORDS IN THIS BOOK HAVE BEEN USED BEFORE

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