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"Inner Monologue of a Married Man During Sex" by Justin Halpern

"Inner Monologue of a Married Man During Sex" by Justin Halpern

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Published by Justin Halpern

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Published by: Justin Halpern on Mar 31, 2011
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02/14/2013

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Inner Monologue Of A Married Guy During Sex

This is again, a little something I wrote at my old job, before I was married. Now that I’m getting married, it depresses the shit out of me. –Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

Ugh, I’m so tired. I can’t believe that asshole Tim Jenkins passed off his report to me. It’s his friggin report! I just sent him some data he needed, and now suddenly – whoa, wife just grabbed my penis. Was that on purpose or did she just roll over and her hand bumped into it on accident? Nope, purpose, she grabbed it again. I guess we’re gonna have sex. Only when she wants too, of course. I should just say no right now, show her how it feels to want to have sex and not get to. Yep, I’m not even going to react to – I have a boner! NICE! Alright, let’s see here, what’s standard foreplay I have to go through before I can stick it in.

It’s been so long I can hardly remember. Okay, um, kiss her neck, squeeze her boob. Man, her boob is really flopping over to the side. When did that happen? It’s like somebody poured some oatmeal on her chest and it’s starting to run off and – uh oh, boner going away. Think about that new receptionist at work who’s gstring always hangs out and the time she bent down to pick up her day planner in front of me and Tim Jenkins. Fuckin Tim Jenkins dude, trying to pass off his friggin report to me when all I – shit, how long has my mouth been on my wife’s tit not moving? Okay,

focus here, focus. Okay, going to the fingers, let’s get this party started a little quicker. Jesus, when was the last time she shaved? I think I found Osama Bin Laden. Ha, I gotta tell the guys at work I thought that.

Hmm, then they’ll know my wife has an unkempt vagina. Maybe I’ll tell them my friend thought that about his wife. But then I guess I won’t get credit for – uh oh, losing my boner. New receptionist’s g-string, new receptionist g-string. Okay, here we go, putting it in the old vajayjay. Aaaaaand we’re in. Whoops, not in, not in, wrong area. I don’t know why that’s the wrong area, why CAN’T we have anal? Every time I bring it up she acts like

it’s an insult. I like steak but I don’t want to eat steak every fuckin day, right? Alrighty, and we’re in. Let’s roll out of this missionary and get into some doggystyle. Okay, looks like she’s not having that. Missionary it is. What was that sound? Is that the kids? Great, now an image of my six year old son popped into my head.

I can’t believe how much they wanted me to pay to send his ass to camp. He’s six, give him a fuckin ball and point him at a wall. Losing boner, okay, focus, focus, let’s just power through this. Aaaaaand I came. Okay, sleep time. What does she mean I have to get out of bed and clean myself off?

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