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Major Barbara, By George Bernard Shaw

Major Barbara, By George Bernard Shaw

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The Project Gutenberg EBook of Major Barbara, by George Bernard Shaw This eBook is for the use of anyone

anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net Title: Major Barbara Author: George Bernard Shaw Posting Date: Release Date: First Posted: Last Updated: May 19, 2009 [EBook #3790] February, 2003 September 9, 2001 April 15, 2005

Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAJOR BARBARA ***

Produced by Eve Sobol. HTML version by Al Haines.


ACT I It is after dinner on a January night, in the library in Lady Britomart Undersha ft's house in Wilton Crescent. A large and comfortable settee is in the middle o f the room, upholstered in dark leather. A person sitting on it [it is vacant at present] would have, on his right, Lady Britomart's writing table, with the lad y herself busy at it; a smaller writing table behind him on his left; the door b ehind him on Lady Britomart's side; and a window with a window seat directly on his left. Near the window is an armchair. Lady Britomart is a woman of fifty or thereabouts, well dressed and yet careless of her dress, well bred and quite reckless of her breeding, well mannered and y et appallingly outspoken and indifferent to the opinion of her interlocutory, am iable and yet peremptory, arbitrary, and high-tempered to the last bearable degr ee, and withal a very typical managing matron of the upper class, treated as a n aughty child until she grew into a scolding mother, and finally settling down wi th plenty of practical ability and worldly experience, limited in the oddest way with domestic and class limitations, conceiving the universe exactly as if it w

ere a large house in Wilton Crescent, though handling her corner of it very effe ctively on that assumption, and being quite enlightened and liberal as to the bo oks in the library, the pictures on the walls, the music in the portfolios, and the articles in the papers. Her son, Stephen, comes in. He is a gravely correct young man under 25, taking h imself very seriously, but still in some awe of his mother, from childish habit and bachelor shyness rather than from any weakness of character. STEPHEN. What's the matter? LADY BRITOMART. Presently, Stephen. Stephen submissively walks to the settee and sits down. He takes up The Speaker. LADY BRITOMART. Don't begin to read, Stephen. I shall require all your attention . STEPHEN. It was only while I was waiting-LADY BRITOMART. Don't make excuses, Stephen. [He puts down The Speaker]. Now! [S he finishes her writing; rises; and comes to the settee]. I have not kept you wa iting very long, I think. STEPHEN. Not at all, mother. LADY BRITOMART. Bring me my cushion. [He takes the cushion from the chair at the desk and arranges it for her as she sits down on the settee]. Sit down. [He sit s down and fingers his tie nervously]. Don't fiddle with your tie, Stephen: ther e is nothing the matter with it. STEPHEN. I beg your pardon. [He fiddles with his watch chain instead]. LADY BRITOMART. Now are you attending to me, Stephen? STEPHEN. Of course, mother. LADY BRITOMART. No: it's not of course. I want something much more than your eve ryday matter-of-course attention. I am going to speak to you very seriously, Ste phen. I wish you would let that chain alone. STEPHEN [hastily relinquishing the chain] Have I done anything to annoy you, mot her? If so, it was quite unintentional. LADY BRITOMART [astonished] Nonsense! [With some remorse] My poor boy, did you t hink I was angry with you? STEPHEN. What is it, then, mother? You are making me very uneasy. LADY BRITOMART [squaring herself at him rather aggressively] Stephen: may I ask how soon you intend to realize that you are a grown-up man, and that I am only a woman? STEPHEN [amazed] Only a-LADY BRITOMART. Don't repeat my words, please: It is a most aggravating habit. Y ou must learn to face life seriously, Stephen. I really cannot bear the whole bu rden of our family affairs any longer. You must advise me: you must assume the r esponsibility.

STEPHEN. I! LADY BRITOMART. Yes, you, of course. You were 24 last June. You've been at Harro w and Cambridge. You've been to India and Japan. You must know a lot of things n ow; unless you have wasted your time most scandalously. Well, advise me. STEPHEN [much perplexed] You know I have never interfered in the household-LADY BRITOMART. No: I should think not. I don't want you to order the dinner. STEPHEN. I mean in our family affairs. LADY BRITOMART. Well, you must interfere now; for they are getting quite beyond me. STEPHEN [troubled] I have thought sometimes that perhaps I ought; but really, mo ther, I know so little about them; and what I do know is so painful--it is so im possible to mention some things to you--[he stops, ashamed]. LADY BRITOMART. I suppose you mean your father. STEPHEN [almost inaudibly] Yes. LADY BRITOMART. My dear: we can't go on all our lives not mentioning him. Of cou rse you were quite right not to open the subject until I asked you to; but you a re old enough now to be taken into my confidence, and to help me to deal with hi m about the girls. STEPHEN. But the girls are all right. They are engaged. LADY BRITOMART [complacently] Yes: I have made a very good match for Sarah. Char les Lomax will be a millionaire at 35. But that is ten years ahead; and in the m eantime his trustees cannot under the terms of his father's will allow him more than 800 pounds a year. STEPHEN. But the will says also that if he increases his income by his own exert ions, they may double the increase. LADY BRITOMART. Charles Lomax's exertions are much more likely to decrease his i ncome than to increase it. Sarah will have to find at least another 800 pounds a year for the next ten years; and even then they will be as poor as church mice. And what about Barbara? I thought Barbara was going to make the most brilliant career of all of you. And what does she do? Joins the Salvation Army; discharges her maid; lives on a pound a week; and walks in one evening with a professor of Greek whom she has picked up in the street, and who pretends to be a Salvationi st, and actually plays the big drum for her in public because he has fallen head over ears in love with her. STEPHEN. I was certainly rather taken aback when I heard they were engaged. Cusi ns is a very nice fellow, certainly: nobody would ever guess that he was born in Australia; but-LADY BRITOMART. Oh, Adolphus Cusins will make a very good husband. After all, no body can say a word against Greek: it stamps a man at once as an educated gentle man. And my family, thank Heaven, is not a pig-headed Tory one. We are Whigs, an d believe in liberty. Let snobbish people say what they please: Barbara shall ma rry, not the man they like, but the man I like. STEPHEN. Of course I was thinking only of his income. However, he is not likely to be extravagant.

mother. A little brute at King's who was always trying to get up revivals. positively have Eu rope under their thumbs. STEPHEN. Christendom and Judea. Death and Destruction Dealers: address. It's very good of you. Don't be too sure of that. [Stephen closes his lips and is silent]. my dear. Do you think Bismarck or Gladstone or Disraeli could have op enly defied every social and moral obligation all their lives as your father has ? They simply wouldn't have dared. it's perfec tly scandalous. They said they co uldn't touch him. At Cambridge it was the same. spoilt my Bible--your first birthday present to me--by writing under my name. who are always as mean as they are second rate. LADY BRITOMART. Nonsense! you are much too young to begin matchmaking: you would be taken in by some pretty little nobody. My dear Stephen: where is the money to come from? It is easy eno ugh for you and the other children to live on my income as long as we are in the same house. The Undershaft torpedo! The Und ershaft quick firers! The Undershaft ten inch! the Undershaft disappearing rampa rt gun! the Undershaft submarine! and now the Undershaft aerial battleship! At H arrow they called me the Woolwich Infant. You need not remind me of that. STEPHEN. because there is always a war going on somewhere. I asked Gladstone to take it up. I believe they were afraid. They WOULDN'T. It is not only the cannons. but the war loans that Lazarus arran ges under cover of giving credit for the cannons. STEPHEN. STEPHEN. What could they do? He does not actually break the law.LADY BRITOMART. Of course it's true: that was why we separated. mother. I know your quiet. Stephen. H e is above the law. Not break the law! He is always breaking the law. I asked The Times to take it up. but I can't keep four families in four separate houses. simple. that it is absurd that he should be asked to provide for the children of a man who is rolling in money. STEPHEN. but perhaps I had better arrange that fo r myself. you must marry soon. he would have to give up society. Of course I don't mean that you are n ot to be consulted: you know that as well as I do. What has all this got to do with--with--with my father? LADY BRITOMART. Stephen. " But that was not so bad as the way I was kowtowed to everywhere because my fat her was making millions by selling cannons. Mother! Is that true? LADY BRITOMART. and I am trying to arrange something for you. You see it means two additional households. Besides. That is why your father is able to behave as he does. naturally enough. Stephen. LADY BRITOMART. Now don't sulk. poetic people like Adolphus--quite content with the best of everything! They cost more than your extravagant people. I am not sulking. You see. "Son and heir to Unders haft and Lazarus. I have hardly ever opened a new spaper in my life without seeing our name in it. Stephen. your father must be fabulously wealthy. Those two men. mother. You know. if he were not the Earl of Stevenage. LADY BRITOMART. I don't appro ve of the present fashion of philandering bachelors and late marriages. I asked the Lord Chamberlain to take it up. He can do noth ing for us: he says. You know ho w poor my father is: he has barely seven thousand a year now. Andrew Undershaft and Lazarus. No: Barbara will need at least 2000 pounds a year. But it was just like asking them to declare war on the Sultan. r efined. . and really. He broke the l aw when he was born: his parents were not married.

It's not pleasant for me. He married without letting you know this! LADY BRITOMART [rather taken aback by this inference] Oh no. Treat you as a child! What do you mean? It is most unkind and un grateful of you to say such a thing. Oh yes: they married just as your father did. STEPHEN. that people get into a state of dumb helpless ho rror when they find that there are wicked people in the world. and tell me nothing at all. For Heaven's sake either trea t me as a child. the cannon business ha s always been left to an adopted foundling named Andrew Undershaft. STEPHEN. especially if you are still so childish that you must make it worse by a display of embarrassment. . and allowed you per fect freedom to do and say whatever you liked. Don't stammer. and left the business to him. STEPHEN. or tell me everyt hing and let me take it as best I can. But they always adopted and trained some foundling to succeed them in the business. Now ask your question properly. in the reign of James the First . That was long ago. But you said-LADY BRITOMART [cutting him short] Now be a good boy. STEPHEN [ashamed] Do you mean for--for--for-LADY BRITOMART. That was what I couldn't stan d. or some vow or something. Besides. that was not the sort of thing he did. he adopted another foundling. LADY BRITOMART [amazed] Another son! I never said anything of the kind. I have always made you my companions and friends. and listen to me patiently. You know I have never treated any of you as children. Yes. Speak distinctly. Stephen. This is what comes of interrupting me. But did they never marry? Were there no legitimate sons? LADY BRITOMART. and they were rich enough to buy land for their own children and leave them well provided for. LADY BRITOMART. because he was not content with being a foundling himself: he wanted to disinherit you for another foundling. and tell me about this horrible business of my father wanting to set me aside for another son. you know the Undershaft motto : Unashamed. STEPHEN. I never dreamt of such a thing. In the course of time the foundling succeeded to the business. so long as you liked what I could approve of. as you always do. STEPHEN. Stephen. But you said that was why you separated. To have to speak to you about s uch things! LADY BRITOMART. mother. Mother: you have no consideration for me. STEPHEN [desperately] I daresay we have been the very imperfect children of a ve ry perfect mother. and nothing should disturb our self possession. Stephen. The Undershafts are descended from a foundling in the parish of St. A ndrew Undershaft in the city. In our class. Everybody knew. and from some notion of gratitude .STEPHEN. but I do beg you to let me alone for once. either. LADY BRITOMART. And that foundling did the same. Well. To do Andrew justic e. But this is so frightful to me. Ever since that. this foundling was adopted by an armorer and gun-maker. we have to decide what is to be done with wicked people. It is only in the middle classes.

and of course they always quarrelled with their wives furiously over it. Nonsense! you could easily get a manager and pay him a salary. mother. STEPHEN. But there could be no excuse for passing over my son. and the other the Roman Empire under the Antonines. You would all have grown up without principles. and he pretends to consider himself bound to keep up the tradition and adopt somebody to leave the business to. Such rubbish! The Stevenage s are as good as the Antonines. There you have the man! Always clever and unanswerable when he wa s defending nonsense and wickedness: always awkward and sullen when he had to be have sensibly and decently! STEPHEN. your father was a very attractive man in some ways. Stephen. Well. STEPHEN. LADY BRITOMART [touched] That's my own boy [she pats his cheek]! Your father nev er could answer that: he used to laugh and get out of it under cover of some aff ectionate nonsense. Andrew actually told him to h is face that history tells us of only two successful institutions: one the Under shaft firm. I must get the money somehow. and you are a Stevenage. Then it was on my account that your home life was broken up. But after all. what do you advis e me to do? STEPHEN. Well. I did not dislike him myself: very far from it. STEPHEN. just as he did every perverse and wicke d thing on principle. but how can they differ about right and wrong ? Right is right. and he to ok advantage of it to put the wickedest ideas into their heads. When my father remonstrated. I hope. LADY BRITOMART. People may differ about matters o f opinion. I hope. But your father didn't exactl y do wrong things: he said them and thought them: that was what was so dreadful. I really cannot bear a n immoral man. . whose sons were not fit to govern great estates. I am sorry. Children did not dislike him. our present income comes from Andrew. I had rather go and live in some cheap p lace like Bedford Square or even Hampstead than take a farthing of his money. There may have been some reason for it when the Undersha fts could only marry women in their own class. Your f ather was adopted in that way. or even about religion. He really had a sort of religion of wrongness just as one doesn't mind men prac tising immorality so long as they own that they are in the wrong by preaching mo rality. Stuff. and make them qu ite unmanageable. there were other differences. You know. Of course I was n ot going to stand that. Andrew did it on principle. My father evidently had no great opinion of my capacity. what can you do? LADY BRITOMART. and wrong is wrong. All this simply bewilders me. he is either a fool or a rascal: that's all. LADY BRITOMART. STEPHEN [dubiously] I am afraid I should make a poor hand of managing a cannon f oundry. I am not a Pharisee. child! you were only a baby: it had nothing to do with yo ur capacity. without any knowledge of right and wrong. if he had been in the house. LADY BRITOMART. and if a man cannot distinguish them prope rly. That was because the Antonine emperors all adopted their successors. mother. so I couldn't forgive Andrew for preaching immorality while he practised morality. LADY BRITOMART. dear. But that was An drew all over. We cannot take money from him. And now that you understand the situation. my dear. and I should not have minded his mer ely doing wrong things: we are none of us perfect. but nothing ca n bridge over moral disagreement.

and Barbara does. and sits at it with his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. But Sarah does. then! LADY BRITOMART. Well. you surely didn't suppose your grandfather had anything to give me. I never expected you to ask him at all. I asked Charles Lomax and Adolphus to dinner on purpose that they might be here. You will be glad to know that your grandfather concurs. LADY BRITOMART. Stephen: I knew you would give me the right advice wh en it was properly explained to you. Do not repeat my words. That is. LADY BRITOMART. STEPHEN [bitterly] We are utterly dependent on him and his cannons. I will not have all the responsibility thrown on my shoulders. STEPHEN [in utter consternation] Do you mean to say that my father is coming her e to-night--that he may be here at any moment? LADY BRITOMART [looking at her watch] I said nine. Thank you. No. STEPHEN [obstinately] I would die sooner than ask him for another penny. The Stevenages could not do everything for you. I have asked your father to come this eveni ng. don't you? STEPHEN [reluctantly] I suppose so. [Stephen goes to the smaller writing table. So I must put my pride in my pocket and ask fo r it. [He gasps. LADY BRITOMART. he must have some natural affection for them. if the girls cannot do without his money. Now don't tease. That is your advice. It is ten minutes to nine yet. STEPHEN. Very well. I think. is it not? STEPHEN. Charles Lomax and Ado lphus Cusins will cost them more.STEPHEN [shocked] I never knew that. Certainly not: the money is settled. Nor do I. Ring t he bell. But he provided it. After all. He had a very good bargain. Stephen. presses a button on it. Come! you see that it is necessary tha t he should pay us a visit. I suppose. please. Of course if you are determined-LADY BRITOMART. and I have to prepare the girls. [The butler enters: Lady Britom . We gave you social pos ition. Stephen: it fidgets me. [Stephen bounds from his seat] Don't jump. Stephen: It shall be as you wish. LADY BRITOMART. and I am waiting for it. Ask him here!!! LADY BRITOMART. Andrew had to contribute something. Stephen. I am not determined: I ask your advice. STEPHEN. Stephen. LADY BRITOMART [sharply] Stephen! STEPHEN. She rises]. So you see it is not a question of taking money from him or not: it is simply a questio n of how much. Where else can I ask him? STEPHEN. I don't want any more for myself. outw itted and overwhelmed]. LADY BRITOMART [resignedly] You mean that I must ask him. B ut he thinks I ought to ask Andrew to come here and see the girls. Andrew had better see them in case he should cherish any delusions as t o their being capable of supporting their wives.

capable possibly of murder. Sarah is slender. with a more comple x form of Lomax's complaint. He is affected with a frivolous sense of humor which plunges him at the most inopportune moments into paroxysms of imperfectly suppressed laughter. bored. Are Cholly and Dolly to come in? LADY BRITOMART [forcibly] Barbara: I will not have Charles called Cholly: the vu lgarity of it positively makes me ill. I am nervous enough. determined. all of you. gen tle. he is obstinately bent on marr ying Barbara. Cusins enters smiling. Sarah comes to the settee. Barbara comes to her mother's writing table. into which he throws himself]. [He pushes a chair forward from the wall to where she stan ds. thin haired. It's all right. Stephen. Cusins is a spectacled student. Charles Lomax and Ado lphus Cusins. By the operation of some instinct which is not mercifu l enough to blind him with the illusions of love. Now remember. intolerant person who by mere force of character presents himself as--and indeed actually is--considerate. Lomax likes Sarah and thinks it will be rather a lark to marry her . Ba rbara comes in after her and stops at the door. BARBARA. Dolly. but I don't show it. Sarah and Barbara come in with their respective young men. and is complicated by an appalling temper. [Lomax enters. All four look as if they had been having a good deal of fun in the drawingroom. SARAH [calling] Come in. jollier . but not of cruelty or coarseness. [He rises and tries to recover some vestige of these attributes]. and wanders towards Lady Britomart. and mundane. BARBARA. Barbara sits at the wr iting table and Sarah on the settee]. Sarah is fashionably dressed: Barbara is in Salvation Arm y uniform. is like many other young men about tow n. The girls enter first. and behave yourself.art goes behind the settee to speak to him]. it wi ll only encourage Barbara to make difficulties. Cholly is quite correct nowadays. BARBARA [through the door] Come in. Morrison: go up to the drawingroom and tell everybody to come down here at once. I don't in the least know what you are lau . Lomax. It's not l adylike: I'm sure I don't know where she picked it up. Barbara shan't bu lly me. mother. much more energetic. and sweet voiced. Anyhow. Lady Britomar t turns to Stephen]. explanatory. [Morrison withdraws. Ever since they made her a major in the Salvation Army she has developed a propensity to h ave her own way and order people about which quite cows me sometimes. leaving the swains outside. I shall need all your countenance an d authority. Cholly. near the smaller writing table. The lifelong struggle of a benevolent tem perament and a high conscience against impulses of inhuman ridicule and fierce i mpatience has set up a chronic strain which has visibly wrecked his constitution . if they will behave themselves. controlling his features very im perfectly. I don't know how Barbara will take it. Are they to c ome in? LADY BRITOMART. His sense of humor is intellectual and subtle. LADY BRITOMART [peremptorily] Sit down. He is a most implacable. Cusins crosses to the window and seats himself there. dear. and places himself vaguely between Sarah and Barbara]. but still it's just as well that your father should be here before she h as time to refuse to meet him or make a fuss. She sits down. a young man about town. Yes. Don't look nervous. slight. tenacious. and he goes to the armchair. G ive me a chair. even mild and apologetic. Stephen. Consequently he has not attempted to resist Lady Britomart's arrangements to t hat end. Barbara is robuster. [They sit. Lomax takes a chair. goodness kn ows.

LADY BRITOMART. Of course I am serious. . He 's quite welcome as far as I am concerned. LOMAX. Do you mean that he is coming regularly to live here? LADY BRITOMART. Are you serious. LOMAX [still remonstrant] But really. Homer. [Silence.ghing at. I hope you are not goi ng to object. LADY BRITOMART. Charles. Now listen to me. CUSINS [sweetly] You were not present. you know. I don't mind. LOMAX [handsomely] Not that I mind. speaking of Autolycus. You are not called on to say anything. I am surprised at you. LADY BRITOMART [turning with ominous suavity to Cusins] Adolphus: you are a prof essor of Greek. I believe. Well. Sarah: have you nothing to say? SARAH. SARAH. I see nothing to laugh at in that. Sarah. Have I your permission. children. Barbara. he can't eat us. LOMAX [remonstrating] Oh I say! LADY BRITOMART. you must admit that this is a bit thick. mother? LADY BRITOMART. BARBARA. Lady Brit. I suppose. but there are limits. Charles? LOMAX. [General stupefaction]. I! why should I? My father has a soul to be saved like anybody else. uses the same phras e. Well. Your father is co ming here this evening. Adolphus. Ripping. LADY BRITOMART [crushingly] Thank you. It was really funny. if Sarah don't. Adolphus. though I expected nothing better from Charles Lomax. Charles. LOMAX [chuckling] I wonder how the old man will take it. to invi te my own husband to my own house? CUSINS [gallantly] You have my unhesitating support in everything you do. It is on your account. Be quiet. I think Charles has rather happi ly expressed what we all feel. CUSINS [in a remarkably gentle voice] Barbara has been trying to teach me the We st Ham Salvation March. and also o n Charles's. The spare room is ready for him if he likes to st ay for a day or two and see a little more of you. LADY BRITOMART. Can you translate Charles Lomax's remarks into reputable English for us? CUSINS [cautiously] If I may say so. don't you know! Oh I say! LADY BRITOMART [frigidly] What do you wish to convey. Certainly not. Charles looks painfully unworthy]. SARAH. nor should you if you are rea lly converted.

LADY BRITOMART. Yes. and the result is. Charles. Charles. Charles. BARBARA. you never mean anything. Oh I say! There's nothing to be exactly proud of. and I do beg you for onc e not to pair off into opposite corners and giggle and whisper while I am speaki ng to your father. LADY BRITOMART. We'll do you credit. as you express it with that elegance of diction and refinement of thought that seem never to desert you . mother. MORRISON. children. It is most important that you should be good. and that therefore you wish us all to be par ticularly careful to conduct ourselves well. Morrison has always been with us. LADY BRITOMART [vehemently] I did. Is this a moment to get on my nerves. Of course. he will form his opinion of the way you have brought th em up from their behavior to-night. LOMAX. All right. Look here: Lady Brit didn't say that. But this is something out of the ordinary. And now please attend to me. You didn't think. Well. Lady Britomart meets him in the middle of . Much as the old woman will. Not since she was a little kid. It must be a regular corker for him. don't you know. LADY BRITOMART. LOMAX. LADY BRITOMART. pale and dismayed. LADY BRITOMART. Charles. [He goes]. Nonsense! Show him up. that Sarah will want to feel proud of you ins tead of ashamed of you. my lady? LADY BRITOMART. You never do. try and look as if there was. no doubt. really-MORRISON [at the door] The--er--Mr Undershaft. LOMAX. CUSINS [sweetly] You were saying that as Mr Undershaft has not seen his children since they were babies. Accordingly--er-. That comes of your provoking me to be sarcastic. Adolphus: will you kin dly tell me where I was. MORRISON. Does Morrison know who he is? LADY BRITOMART. LOMAX. Andrew Undershaft comes in. All rise. Might I speak a word to you. breaks into the room in unconcealed disorder. Remember. Charles. Charles. Charles. Morrison. especially Charles. with your outrage ous expressions? LOMAX. my lady. don't you know. Adolphus's recollection is perfectly correct.[impatiently] Now I have forgotten what I was going to say. LOMAX [abashed] I didn't mean--at least-LADY BRITOMART. Your father will be quite a stranger to us. [He retreats in confusion]. LOMAX. I suppose he hasn't seen Sarah since she was a little kid.

You look a good deal older. LOMAX [remonstrating] No but look here don't you know--[Overcome] Oh I say! LADY BRITOMART [recovering from momentary speechlessness] Andrew: do you mean to say that you don't remember how many children you have? UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT [apologetically] I AM somewhat older. delib erate. I am afraid I--. They have grown so much--er. UNDERSHAFT [bowing] Happy to make your acquaintance. This is Stephen. I am very glad to meet you again. Mr Undershaft. [V ery explicitly] That is Major Barbara Undershaft. My name is Cusins: engaged to Barbara. a stoutish. UNDERSHAFT. Perhaps you will be good enough to introduce me. who is engaged to Sarah. with kindly patien t manners. UNDERSHAFT. Mr Stephen. of course--er-LADY BRITOMART [decisively] Andrew: you are talking nonsense. He is also a little shy in his present very delicate situation. easygoing elderly man. on the surface. But so many things have happened since. your second daughter. My dear Stephen. LADY BRITOMART [promptly] Rubbish! This is your family. I can see you are my eldest. Not at all. That is Charles Lomax. How d'ye do. This is Stephen Undershaft. Then [going to Cusins] you must be my son. my dear. LOMAX [jerkily shaking his hand] Ahdedoo. LADY BRITOMART. both bodily an d mental. UNDERSHAFT. Am I making any ridiculous mistake? I may as well confess: I recollect only one son. Of course you have only one son. of the Salvation Army. Good evening. [He offers his hand with paternal kindness to Lomax]. Delighted. waiting. LADY BRITOMART. and partly the mellowness of age a nd success. I beg your pardon. [With a touch of courtship] Tim e has stood still with you. [Taking Cusins' hands in his] How are you. You flatter me. His gentleness is partly that of a strong man who has learnt by experience that his natural grip hurts ordinary people unless he handles them very carefully. I assure you. But he has a watchful. listening face. UNDERSHAFT. your son. and an engaging simplicity of character. UNDERSHAFT. I beg your pardon.the room behind the settee. in his capacious chest and long head. Andrew. Andrew is. and formidable reserves of power. That is Sarah. my young friend? [To Lady Britomart] He is very like you. Well. my dear. CUSINS. my love. LOMAX. My dear sir. UNDERSHAFT [surprised] Is it so large? I am sorry to say my memory is failing ve ry badly in some things. LADY BRITOMART. my bo y. . LADY BRITOMART.

but the ir position is unchallengeable. Lomax's too long suppressed mirth explodes in agonized neighings. Barbara: you have had the education of a lady. Few of them know Greek. CUSINS. my dear: I daresay that will be best. I may appe ar a callous father. you kn ow. Andrew. LADY BRITOMART [resuming command] Sit down. Now what can I do for you all? LADY BRITOMART. LOMAX [encouragingly] Nobody'd know it. LADY BRITOMART. UNDERSHAFT. Mr Undershaft. As you know. You are one of the family. BARBARA. Please let your f ather see that. Barbara and Stephen resume their seats. my dear. [Making him self comfortable] Well. behave your self. of course. [She c omes forward and sits on the settle. and if I play the part of a discreet stranger. I assure you. You look all right. UNDERSHAFT. I am not a gentleman. [T urning to Sarah] Barbara. Sit down. as he brings a chair forward between the writing table and the settee. leave the room. LADY BRITOMART. There is no need for you to play any part at all. Mr Lomax. Lomax gives his chair to Sarah an d goes for another]. Cusins also brings his chair forward on her left. quite overcome]. and offers it to Undershaft] Takes you some time to find out exa ctly where you are. LOMAX [conversationally. Quite right. Andrew. don't it? UNDERSHAFT [accepting the chair] That is not what embarrasses me. You can sit with us and enjoy yourself. Other languages are the qualifications of waiter . and I was never educated. and don't talk like a street girl. LOMAX. Greek scholars are priv ileged men. and none of them know anything else. You need not do anything. UNDERSHAFT [submissively] Yes. Never mind me. my love. LADY BRITOMART [outraged] Charles Lomax: if you can behave yourself. If not. Why don't you laugh if you want to. UNDERSHAFT. He goes over to Barbara] Barbar a--I am right this time. Lady Brit. Cholly? It's good for your inside. Not at all. but really. I hope. [They shake hands. Thank you. all of you. you know. my dear-SARAH [prompting him] Sarah. Mr Cusins: I am much indebted to you for explaining so precisely.STEPHEN. My d ifficulty is that if I play the part of a father. upon my soul! [He sit s on the settee between Lady Britomart and Undershaft. UNDERSHAFT. [They shake hands]. BARBARA. I'm awfully sorry. Sarah. You ha d much better be sincere and natural. Let me advise you to study Greek. here I am. I shall produce the effect of an intrusive stranger. Andrew.

Andrew. Play us something at once. One moment. Do you play. In my youth I earned pennies. Mr Lomax. Is Cholly also a member of the Salvation Army? BARBARA. UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT. Your father there has a great many children and plenty of experience . in th e streets and in public house parlors by my natural talent for stepdancing. UNDERSHAFT. and even shillings occasionally. There are no orphans in the Salvation Army. Its motto might be my own: Blood and Fire. [He goes upstairs for the instrumen t]. and take the coll ection in his hat. Come and see the shelter and then march with us: it will do yo u a lot of good. and performed pass ably on the tenor trombone. Cholly: fetch your concertina and play somet hing for us. But I don't despair of Cho lly. Dolly: don't be insincere. Late r on. eh? BARBARA [looking at him with quick interest and nodding] Just so. Come down to-morrow to my shelter--the West Ham shelter--an d see what we're doing. My sort of blood cleanses: my sort of fire purifies. I am rather interested in the Salvation Army. How did you co me to understand that? [Lomax is heard at the door trying the concertina]. But Cholly's teaching me the concertina. No: he says it's bad form to be a dissenter. She has no father to advise her. LOMAX. I am particularly fond of music. Can you play anything? UNDERSHAFT. Come in. you know. and preludes]. Righto! [He sits down in his former place. LADY BRITOMART. Many a sinner has played himself into heaven on the trombone. LOMAX [scandalized] Oh I say! BARBARA. It is not my doing. I became a member of the Undershaft orchestral society. Charles. BARBARA. thanks to the Army. BARBARA. eh? UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT. BARBARA. LOMAX [doubtfully to Undershaft] Perhaps that sort of thing isn't in your line. We're going to march to a great meeting in the Assembly Hall at Mile End. LOMAX [delighted] Are you? Then I'll get it. Oh yes she has. Barbara? BARBARA. Only the tambourine. LADY BRITOMART. Barbara is old enough to take her ow n way. UNDERSHAFT.s and commercial travellers: Greek is to a man of position what the hallmark is to silver. I made him come yesterday to a meeting at the dock gates. So do ours. LOMAX [shocked] But not your sort of blood and fire. .

In other words. The more destructive war becomes the more fascinating we find it. Mr Lomax-LOMAX [hastily] I'm not saying anything against you personally. eh? UNDERSHAFT. My morality--my religion--must have a place for ca nnons and torpedoes in it. this morning. one man's meat is another man's po ison morally as well as physically. LOMAX. I have always done so. but I am not ashamed of it. All the spare money my trade ri vals spend on hospitals. don't it? The cannon business may be neces sary and all that: we can't get on without cannons. quite so. yes. I am not one of those men who keep their moral s and their business in watertight compartments. Precisely. LOMAX [leniently] Well. There is only one true morality for every man. but every man has not the same true morality. Yo ur Christianity. STEPHEN. I find myself in a specially amiable humor just n ow because. don't you know? [To Undershaft] Getting into heaven is not exactly in your lin e. CUSINS. cathedrals and other receptacles for conscience money. a manufact urer of mutilation and murder. As Euripides says. Mr Lomax. we blew twenty-seven dummy soldie rs into fragments with a gun which formerly destroyed only thirteen. and I always shall. Charles!!! LOMAX. LOMAX [overtaxed] Would you mind saying that again? I didn't quite follow it. You hardly appreciate my position. I devote to experiments and researches in improved methods of destroying life an d property. True. UNDERSHAFT. Bosh. the sooner it will be abolished. It's quite simple. as you do not manufacture aerial battleships. But consider for a moment. would make me a bankrupt. Yes. you know. can you? At least unless you're downright immoral. There are no scoundrels. Well. that. STEPHEN [coldly--almost sullenly] You speak as if there were half a dozen morali ties and religions to choose from. Not at all. instead of one true morality and one true rel igion. but it stands to reason. UNDERSHAFT. don't you know. yes. which enjoins you to resist not evil. there may be a certain amount of tosh about the Salvation A rmy--I belong to the Established Church myself--but still you can't deny that it 's religion. but it isn't right. For me there is only one true morality. True. some men are honest and some are scoundrels.LOMAX [to Barbara. still rather shocked] Yes. On the other hand. the more destructive war becomes. you know . is it? LADY BRITOMART. and you can't go against religion. Here I am. UNDERSHAFT. but it might not fit you. Quite so. Therefore your Christmas card moralities of peace on earth and goodwill among men are of no use to me. but what about the cannon business . and to turn the other che ek. down at the foundry. No. UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT. Oh. Indeed? Are there any good men? . I am obliged to you for making the usual excuse for my t rade. BARBARA.

If I go to see you to-morrow i n your Salvation Shelter. In Perivale St Andrews. philanthropists. Ask anybody in Eur ope. all sorts. Well. my dear. LOMAX. UNDERSHAFT. Take care. You get saved. Stephen rises in dismay]. I've had scores of them through my h ands: scoundrels. Yes. At the sign of the sword. Really. LOMAX. Wh ere is your shelter? BARBARA. Well. LADY BRITOMART [looking at her watch] Well. Are you sure it will not end in your giving up the Salvation Army fo r the sake of the cannons? BARBARA. It may end in your giving up the cannons for the sake of the Salvation Army.BARBARA. UNDERSHAFT. I will take my chance of that. and the sooner they stop calling one another names the b etter. LADY BRITOMART. Barbara. Do have some sense of propriety. don't you know. You needn't talk to me: I know them. No. At the sign of the cross. In West Ham. It is the only one that capable people really care for. May I ask have you ever saved a maker of cannons? BARBARA. Cholly. [General amazement. UNDERSHAFT. It's too melancholy. my brother. Christian Soldiers. Whe re are your works? UNDERSHAFT. LOMAX [rising] Oh I say! UNDERSHAFT [rising] I am afraid I must be going. No. What will the servants think? . Suppose I sing Thou'rt passing hence. Hadn't I better play something? BARBARA. Ask anybody in Canning Town. Will you let me try? UNDERSHAFT. you go on as if religion were a pleasant subjec t. Charles: ring for prayers. [They shake hands on it]. And I will take my chance of the other. if you are determined to have it. UNDERSHAFT. my b rother. BARBARA. and you'll pass hence. Not one. without making such a fuss about it. missionaries. Sit down. They're all just the same sort of sinner. LADY BRITOMART. There are neither good men nor scoundrels: there are just children of one Father. You cannot go now. will you come the day after to see me in my cannon wor ks? BARBARA. Give us Onward. It's much the same tune. Andrew: it would be most improper. infidels. I insist on having it in a proper and respectable way. criminals. that's rather a strong order to begin with. I will make a bargain with you. and there's the s ame salvation ready for them all. I do not find it an unpleasant subject. county cou ncillors.

May I suggest a compromise? If Barbara will conduct a little service in the drawingroom. Dolly. mother. LADY BRITOMART. to do all the unpleasant things. That is the injustice of a woman's lot. I shouldn't dare to marry Barbara--I couldn't look you in the face--if it were true. [He starts for the door].UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT [shocked--to Barbara] You don't think I am mocking. Well. my love. I--I don't like him. LADY BRITOMART. I will not be disobeyed by everybody. too. gives way to a little gust of tears. and left undone things we ought to have done. Andrew. I will even take part. And then the father. Adolphus. I flatly deny it: I h ave done my best. I hope. and that means to restrain them. [Rising] Come along. of course not. What things. and leave me with the servants. I insist on your staying. Foolishn ess. to deny them thing s they want. mamma. who has nothing to do but pet them and spoil them. who opens the door for her. I cannot bear to hear you doing yourself such a n unjustice. [She goes out with Undershaft. [She goes]. LOMAX. can behave yourself if you choose to. Charle s: you may go. Don't mock. Sarah: if you want to go. Come. and it wouldn't matter if you were: half the Army ca me to their first meeting for a lark. My dear: I have conscientious scruples. Adolphus [he turns to listen]: I have a very strong suspicion that you went to the Salvation Army to worship Barbara and nothing else. CUSINS. Take care Barbara doesn't. pray? CUSINS. LADY BRITOMART [offended] Well. As for myself. with Mr Lomax as or ganist. CUSINS [with unruffled sweetness] Don't tell on me. STEPHEN [going to her] Mother: what's the matter? LADY BRITOMART [swishing away her tears with her handkerchief] Nothing. Lady Britomart. The others do. BARBARA. A woman h as to bring up her children. Cusins rises]. [He goes out]. to punish them when they do wrong. So I must go to the drawingroom. if you like. LADY BRITOMART. an d that there is no health in us. to set them tasks. with a sudden flounce. comes in when all her work is done and steals their affection from h . you mustn't think that. go. SARAH [languidly] Very well. Come. I will attend it willingly. STEPHEN. I have found you out. Adolphus: sit down. Oh. and Barbara such an injustice. No. if a trombone can be procured. you would have to say before all the servants that we have done th ings we ought not to have done. And I quite appreciate t he very clever way in which you systematically humbug me. You can go with him. go. Oh I say! [He goes out]. Ch olly. LADY BRITOMART. You are not fit for prayers: you cannot keep your countenance. That's all. My dear Lady Brit: there are things in the family prayer book that I cou ldn't bear to hear you say. LADY BRITOMART. Anything's better than to sit ther e as if you wished you were a thousand miles away. And remember this. LADY BRITOMART [continuing] But you.

is newly whitewashed. but wot is it to me. and on them are seated a man and a woman. with compress ed lips and an expression of strong dislike]. with tambourine accompaniment. are not depressed by the c old: rather are they stung into vivacity. [She goes. Onward. sharp enough to be capable of anything in reason except honesty or altruistic consider ations of any kind. There are forms at the table. for it is a grindingly cold. being no more troubled with visions of the Mediterranean than of the moon. The woman is a commonplace old bundle of poverty and hard-wo rn humanity. both much down on their luck. and less on their persons. and another in the loft above it without any balcony or ladder. and. Are you coming. Its ga bled end projects into the yard in the middle. with margarine and golden syrup] and diluted milk. Every loafer that can't do nothink calls issel . a poser. She looks sixty and probably is forty-five. It is only curiosity. He has not stolen our affection from you. There is nothing the ma tter with me. If they were rich peopl e. ACT II The yard of the West Ham shelter of the Salvation Army is a cold place on a Janu ary morning. raw. an old warehouse. The building itself. Call that a meal! Good enough for you. with a stone horse-trough just beyond it. To the drawingroom. LADY BRITOMART [violently] I won't be consoled. January day. and a glance at the background of grimy warehouses and leaden sky visible over the whitewashe d walls of the yard would drive any idle rich person straight to the Mediterrane an. Workin man! Wot are you? THE MAN. Those who come from this central gable end into the yard have the gateway leading to the street on their left. Where are you going. you dessay! I know. mother? LADY BRITOMART. on the concertina. an intelligent workin man. they would be nu mbed and miserable. Yus. and then gets up and mov es about the yard with his hands deep in his pockets. occasionally breaking into a stepdance. props. Certainly not. THE WOMAN. Christian Soldiers. STEPHEN. STEPHEN. to which their meal has just now given an almost jolly turn. agile. No. He sits down on the settee. THE WOMAN [sceptically] Yus.er. with a door on the ground floor. gloved and muffed and well wrapped up in furs and overcoats. The man. No. finishing a meal of bread [one thick slic e each. is young. but with a pulle y rigged over it for hoisting sacks. [She goes out. and being compelled to keep more of their clothes in the pawnshop. THE WOMAN. of course. Stephen? STEPHEN. But these two. in winter than in summer. [She rises and goes towards the door]. on the right. is heard when the do or opens]. I dessay. a workman out of employment. Feel better otter your meal. The man takes a pull at his mug. a penthouse shielding a table f rom the weather. a talker. Stephen. sir? THE MAN. Painter. THE MAN.

Not that kind of snob. sir. the worse they likes to think you were before they res cued you. Same old game! RUMMY. Price. W ots YOUR name? THE WOMAN. but the better you are. an intelligent bein needs a doo share of appiness. Well. PRICE. finisher. Wots the consequence? When trade is bad--and it's rotten bad just now--and the e mployers az to sack arf their men. Why shouldn't they av a bit o credit.f a painter. What's your name? THE MAN. It was out of a new book. all the same. they generally start on me. too. I'm a real painter: grainer. [He returns to his seat at the table. and they don't like a man that sees through em. industrious and honest: in Rome. Mr. Snobby's a carpenter. but the genteel sort. Romola. so I drin k somethink cruel when I get the chawnce. RUMMY [correcting him] Missis Mitchens. Wot! Oh Rummy. Usually called Snobby Price. and inside it I do as th e capitalists do: pinch wot I can lay me ands on. I do as the Romans do. thinking man: a stat ioner. We're companions in misfortune. Price? Was it Major Barbara? . Who saved you. Somebody me mother wanted me to grow up like. Rummy. Rummy Mitchens. Rummy. Then why don't you go and get it? THE MAN. I stand by my class and do as l ittle as I can so's to leave arf the job for me fellow workers. For wot!? RUMMY. THE WOMAN. Third. Wot does Rummy s tand for? Pet name props? RUMMY. ain't it? You said you was a painter. gittin rescued by the Salvation Army by pretendin to be a bad un. owing to my intelligence. PRICE [quaffing the remains of his milk to her] Your elth. I'm none of your common hewers of wood and drawers of water. I'm too uppish. THE WOMAN. Consequently I'm Snobby and you're Rummy because Bill and Sally wasn't good enough for our parents. and don 't you forget it. thirty-eight bob a wee k when I can get it. PRICE. and my father being a Chartist and a reading. PRICE. THE WOMAN. Fust: I'm intelligent--fffff! it's rotten cold here [he dances a step or two]--yes: intelligent beyond the station o life into which it has pleased the capitalists to call me. In a proper state of society I am sober. poor loves? They're worn to rags by their work. Such is life! RUMMY. so to speak. What am I to do? I can't starve. Short for Romola. Thievin swine! Wish I ad their job. I'll tell you why. Fourth. I'm fly enough to know wots inside the law and wots outside it. And where would they get the money to rescue us if we was to let on we're no worse than other people? You know what ladies and gentlemen are. Bronterre O'Brien Price. Rummy. for short. and takes up his mug]. Second. PRICE. Miss Mitchens. Rummy! Respectable married woman. Them Salvation lasses is dear good girls . PRICE. Both on us got names that nobody c awnt pronounce.

Your confessions is just as big lies as ours: you don't tell what you really done no more than us. brother. RUMMY. PRICE [rising and hurrying officiously to take the old man off Jenny's hands] Po or old man! Cheer up. overwrought. It combs our air and makes us good little blokes to be robbed and put upon.PRICE. I know wot they like. but you men can t ell your lies right out at the meetins and be made much of for it. No: I come here on my own. RUMMY [gaily] Keep up your old art! Never say die! SHIRLEY. [Jenny hurries into the shelter]. buck up. Awsk a blessin an tuck that into you. I'm ony 46. RUMMY. comes in through t he yard gate. an how I used to come home drunk and drag her out o bed be er s now white airs. jerked-off. spite of all their piety. Hurr y up with the food. I'll see somebody struck by lightn in. cares about you? Eh? Ma a one from you. She used to beat me. The grey pat ch come in my hair before I was thirty. I'll take it out in gorspellin. Not likely. pretty Salvation lass of 18. an a mug o skybl ue. I'm not an old man. You won't be let drink. SHIRLEY [looking at it ravenously but not touching it. leading Peter Shirley. or hear a voice sayin "Snobby Price: where will you spend eternity?" I'll av e a time of it. and now am I to be thrown into the gutter and my job given to a young man that can do i t no better than me because I've black hair that goes white at the first change? PRICE [cheerfully] No good jawrin about it. the co nverted painter. I don't want to drink if I can get fun enough any other way. an lam into er with the poker. Ere. though. miss: e's fair done. I'm as good as ever I was. JENNY [supporting him] Come! pluck up. and you'll hear how she was a pious woman that taught me me pra yers at er knee. and paid my way all through. I'll tell em how I blasphemed and gambled and wopped my poor old mother-RUMMY [shocked] Used you to beat your mother? PRICE. That's what's so unfair to us women. then. half worn-out elderly man. a half hardened. a pale. brother: you'll find rest and peace and appiness ere. daddy! She's fetchin y'a thick slice o breadn treacle. No matter: you come and listen to the co nverted painter. Right! Do you spose the Army'd be allowed if it went and did right? Not m uch. But I'll play the game as good as any of em. and crying like a child] I never took anything before. PRICE. Get a b There you are. weak with hunger. [Jenny returns with the usual meal]. You're ony a orspittle-turned-out incurable of an ole workin man: who ke the thievin swine give you a meal: they've stole many it o your own back. JENNY [petting him] Come. All it wants is three pennorth o hair dy e: am I to be turned on the streets to starve for it? Holy God! I've worked ten to twelve hours a day since I was thirteen. I'll get you something to eat. It ain't right. You'll be all right then. I'm goin to be Bronterre O'Brien Price. while the sor t o confessions we az to make az to be wispered to one lady at a time. come! the Lord sends it to you: he wasn't above taking . PRICE. I tell you. jumped-up. [He seats him at the corner of the table]. Jenny Hill.

You stop to jaw back at me. You'll work all the better after. JENNY [her ves you! I rbara just only just eyes lighting up] Oh isn't it wonderful how a few minutes prayer revi was quite lightheaded at twelve o'clock. She is hurrying to the shelter. JENNY [going to her]. JENNY. I'm goin to av er out. But there's more work than we can do. Well. [He takes her by the arm and slings her towards the door of the shelter. are you more comfortable now? RUMMY. and why should you be? Besides. and th at's the peace that passeth hall hannerstennin. Rummy. are you? Put up your ands. I know you. you great brute-. yes: that's true. Easy there. kisses her] Sit down and rest a bit: you must be ready to drop. miss. and if she keeps me waitin it'll be worse. and venturing irresolutely towards Bill]. She screams and reels back to t he trough. God bless you. I'm goin to give er a doin t hat'll teach er to cut away from me. covering her bruised face with her hands and roc king and moaning with pain]. but I've got the piece that I value more. I can pay you back: it's only a loan. I feel wicked for loitering he re. When you say that. You're goin to stand up for her. appears at the yard gate and looks ma levolently at Jenny. I must get to work again. She a in't doin you no arm. when we find you a job you can pay us for it if you like. RUMMY [fervently] Glory Hallelujah! Bill Walker. Now in with you and tell er to come out afo re I come in and kick er out. She falls on her hand an d knee. I've been going hard since morning. Not that I care a curse for her or you : see? But I'll let er know.bread from his friends. BILL. when the new-comer moves quickly up to the door and intercepts her. Well. PRICE [rising. I mustn't stop. Try a prayer for just two minutes. Oh. RUMMY. touched. JENNY. haven't you? [Jenny. She'll know what tha t means. driving her down the yard. but Major Ba sent me to pray for five minutes. [ Shivering] Oh Lord! oh Lord! [He turns to the table and attacks the meal ravenou sly]. lovey! You've fed my body and saved my soul. I was so tired. and I was able to go on as if I had begun. [To Price] Did you have a piece of bread? PAIGE [with unction] Yes. where she sits down.[He insta ntly swings his left hand back against her face. In you go. RUMMY [running indignantly to him to scold him]. That makes me so happy. a rough customer of about 25. mate. SHIRLEY [eagerly] Yes. His manner is so threatening that she retreats as he comes a t her truculently. You're the one that took away my girl. Who are you callin mate? [Standing over him threateningly]. JENNY. Tell er Bill Walker wants er. Oh God forgive you! How could you strike an old woman like that? . and I'll start on you: d'ye hear? There's your way. Rummy helps her up again]. and I'll let you know. BILL. You're the one that set er agen me.

and get out o my way. Well. flee into th e shelter]. Was he starvin or was he not? Was he a man or only a crosseyed thief an a loafer? Would you hit my son-in-law's brother? BILL. He goes to the form and addresses the old man]. you old palsy mug? Wot good are you? SHIRLEY. BILL. Av you anything to say agen it? Eh? PRICE [intimidated]. you old soupkitchener. and Price and Rummy. Good job for you! I'd put two meals into you and fight you with one finger after. and tearing he r away from the old woman]. [To Jenny] Now are you goin to fetch out Mog Habbijam. and tell her if she wants one like it to come and interfere with me. They'll find the differ. [Holding her and turning fier cely on Price]. you starved cur. crying with pai n. let em try you. Don't provoke me to lay it acrost yours: d'ye hear? SHIRLEY [with blighting contempt] Yes: you like an old man to hit. where I worked for ten year. JENNY. As good as you and better. goes into the shed. and I'll smash you over the face with the mug and cut your eye out. Who's he? . Do you or don't you? [She stifles a scream]. where the bread o charity is si ckenin in our stummicks? BILL [contemptuously. You Gawd forgive me again and I'll Gawd forgive you one on the jaw that'll stop you prayin for a week. Oh please don't drag my hair. You want to go in and tell your Major of me. but backing a little] Wot good are you. don't you. you. Ain't you satisfied--young whelps like you--with takin the bread out o the mouths of your elders that have brought you up and slaved for you. They're very sorry--give you a character and happy to help you to get anything s uited to your years--sure a steady man won't be long out of a job. BILL [stung] You lie. with the mug in his hand] You tak e a liberty with me.BILL [seizing her by the hair so violently that she also screams. SHIRLEY [springing up and facing him fiercely. do you? JENNY. matey: she ain't anything to do with me. [Jenny. I ain't seen you hit a young one yet. wh en you've finished with the women. What do you know? Not as much as how to beeyav e yourself--layin your dirty fist across the mouth of a respectable woman! BILL. BILL. Go and take my job at Horrockses. Di d I offer to hit him or did I not? SHIRLEY. BILL. They want young men there: they can't afford to keep men over forty-five. Yes or no. I'll do a day's work agen you or any fat you ng soaker of your age. but you m ust come shovin and cheekin and bullyin in here. God give me strength-BILL [striking her with his fist in the face] Go and show her that. Here: fin ish your mess. There was a young man here. Let me go. No. or am I to knock your face off you and fetch her myself? JENNY [writhing in his grasp] Oh please someone go in and tell Major Barbara--[s he screams again as he wrenches her head down.

BILL [following him and stooping over him to drive the taunt in] You lie! you ha ve the bread and treacle in you that you come here to beg. You 'll come to it sooner than a teetotaller like me. [subsiding with a slouch] I'll stand up to any man alive. Wot! I can't. I'm no gin drinker. more likely. Can he box? SHIRLEY. SHIRLEY. BILL. BILL [checked] Garn! SHIRLEY. You mind what you're about: the major here is the Earl o Stevenage's granddaughter. Spose she said you did! who'd believe you? BILL [very uneasy. SHIRLEY. talkin to a rot ten old blighter like you sted o givin her wot for. and turns his back on them. and ad dresses herself to Shirley. [He makes vengefully for the shelter door] . But I don't set up to be a perfessional. To think wot them people can do! I'm as good as er. you silly young lump of conceit and ignorance . if he was ten To dger Fairmiles. fillin yourself with gin at th is hour o the mornin! BILL. comes from the shelter with a note book.SHIRLEY. [He returns to the table to finish his meal]. SHIRLEY [looking down on him with unfathomable disdain] YOU box! Slap an old wom an with the back o your hand! You hadn't even the sense to hit her where a magis trate couldn't see the mark of it. . [Working himself into a rage ] I'm goin in there to fetch her out. BILL [his resolution oozing] Well. Good morning. and then you'll know. but when I want to give my girl a bloomi n good idin I like to av a bit o devil in me: see? An here I am. You're goin to the station on a stretcher. skulking back to the corner of the penthouse] Gawd! There's n o jastice in this country. Him that won 20 pounds off the Japanese w rastler at the music hall by standin out 17 minutes 4 seconds agen him. you old liar. BARBARA. can't I? Wot's that you say [threatening him]? SHIRLEY [not budging an inch] Will you box Todger Fairmile if I put him on to yo u? Say the word. SHIRLEY. Todger Fairmile o Balls Pond. Yes: an you can't. cowed. BILL. and they'll tak e the gin and the devil out of you there when they get you inside. SHIRLEY [bursting into tears] Oh God! it's true: I'm only an old pauper on the s crap heap. BILL [sullenly] I'm no music hall wrastler. I ain't done nothin to er. she wouldn't a got up inside o ten minutes. Yah! I'd set about you myself if I had a week's feedin in me instead o two m onths starvation. no more than you would if he got on to y ou. Hit a girl in the jaw and ony make her cry! If Todger Fairmile'd done it. sits down in the corner on a form. brisk and businesslike. [Furiously] But you'll come to it yourself. You'll see. Barbara. It's just what a fool like you would do. Bill. Tell her so.

I'll . SHIRLEY. BARBARA. Chucked out two months ago because I was too old . I suppose you think I come here t o beg from you. [She waits. BARBARA [sunnily apologetic and ladylike. but none of us dare lift our hand against a girl like that. BARBARA. Me age come out at a coroner's inquest on me daughter. Perhaps it was you that cut her lip. BARBARA. Why should you? My own father's a Secularist. with a sense of heroically defyi ng the House of Lords in the person of Lord Stevenage] If you want to bring a ch arge agen me. Now then! since you've made friends w ith us. I don't believe in your Gawd. I don't know. as on a new footing with him] Oh. bring it. miss. It takes some pluck to do our work here. What's your name? BILL [insolently] Wot's that to you? BARBARA [calmly making a note] Afraid to give his name. Names and addresses and trades. but she puts a friendly hand on his shoulder and makes him obey]. So buck up. And sent to the kn ockers like an old horse! BARBARA. for fear of her father in heaven. I don't want your bread and scrape and catlap. no more than you do yourself. SHIRLEY [suddenly stubborn] My religion's no concern of anybody but myself. Any trade? BILL. Steady? SHIRLEY. Our Father--your s and mine--fulfils himself in many ways. Teetotaller. I ain't afraid o you. [She enters his name in her note book]. Fitter. I didn't understand. Never out of a job before. since you're not afraid of God? You're a brave man. Not me. I be g your pardon for putting your name down. it was me that cut her lip. Secularist? SHIRLEY [hotly] Did I offer to deny it? BARBARA. No matter: if you did your part God will do his. BILL [sullenly] I want none o your cantin jaw. [He hesitates. She turns from h im to Bill]. Who's Jenny Hill? And what call has she to pray for me? BARBARA. Peter Shirley. touches his hat. Walker. BARBARA [not at all surprised] You'd pass still. I know: you're the man that Jenny Hill was praying for inside jus t now. BILL. I did. and I daresay he knew what he was abou t when he made a Secularist of you. I think. BARBARA [guessing] I know. Mr.SHIRLEY [standing up and taking off his hat] Good morning. BILL [defiantly] Yes. M r. like this damaged lot here. unruffled]. Why didn't you dye your hair? SHIRLEY. Who's afraid to give his name? [Doggedly. [Shirley. Good worker. My name's Bill Walker. Walker. Sit down: make yourself at home. we want to know all about you. disarmed. How could you be. BARBARA [as if the name were familiar: trying to remember how] Bill Walker? [Rec ollecting] Oh. Peter! we can always find a job for a steady man like you.

you see. BILL [fortified by his resentment of Mog's perfidy] is she? [Vindictively] Then I'm goin to Kennintahn arter her. Wot! BARBARA. And I'll teach him to m eddle with my Judy. because she wears a new look in her eyes with it . Bil l. Bill. in danger of crying instead. You'd better stay: you're going to have a bad time today. One of her own converts. BARBARA [quite sunny and fearless] What did you come to us for? BILL. mi nd that. Ain't it good enough to be in your book? BARBARA [considering] Well. [very businesslike] I'll put you down as [writing] the man who --struck--poor little Jenny Hill--in the mouth. I'll put his nose out o joint for him. she's gone to Canning Town. Not that I care a curse for her. BILL [taking this as a slight. I come for my girl. and her face clean. I don't want to get shut of you. But I'll teach her to drop me as if I was dirt. and her hair washed. to his great shame and terror. The new bloke has put your nose out of joint.strike it out. if possible] It's no use. He sits down again suddenly]. Are you lyin to me to get shut o me? BARBARA. [He crosses to the gate. He fell in love with her when he saw her with her soul saved. BILL. I want to keep you here and save your soul. Bill. and deeply wounded by it] Eah! you let my name al one. [Bill. BARBARA. see? I come to take her out o this and to break er jaw s for her. finally co mes back at Barbara]. selp me Gawd if I don't! BARBARA [a shade kindlier. BILL [slinking off] I'll go to Kennintahn to be out o the reach o your tongue. I'll come back and do two years for you. Wots iz bleedin name? . BILL. What's her name? BILL [dogged] Er name's Mog Abbijam: thats wot her name is. is there? What's your trade? BILL [still smarting] That's no concern o yours. BILL [rising threateningly] See here. It's a pity you're too late. She's got another blo ke. Just so. BARBARA. finds himself. Oh. hesitates. the carroty slut? It's red. props. [ Suddenly turning on her with intense malice] And if I don't find Mog there. It's quite lovely now. to our barracks there. Someone you don't believe in. I've ad enough o this. BARBARA. BILL [surprised] Wottud she wash it for. BARBARA [complacently] You see I was right about your trade. there's no use putting down your name unles s I can do something for you. Who's goin to give it to me? You. on the point of retorting furiously. BARBARA. But you'll be glad afterwards. BILL.

BARBARA. Go and talk to him. miss. BARBARA [calling] Jenny! JENNY [appearing at the shelter door with a plaster on the corner of her mouth] Yes. Major. Come along. SHIRLEY. JENNY [calling into the shelter] Rummy: the Major says you must come. Take in those mugs and plates t . It was nothing. and she runs away merrily into the shelter. so he's a bit fresh for want of the exercise he was accustomed to. Jenny comes to Barbara. She's done me. I want to see them two me et. [Bill's last hope expires]. BILL [to Shirley. Thirteen four. SHIRLEY [rising with grim joy] I'll go with him. purposely keeping on the side next Bill. Wots is weight? SHIRLEY. BARBARA. Oh no. JENNY. no. with undissembled misgiving] Is that im you was speakin on? SHIRLEY. Poor Bill! You do n't feel angry with him. You ain't goin. I thought not. bless his poor heart! [Barbara kiss es her. SHIRLEY. He's gev em up now for religion. BARBARA [going to meet Rummy] Now Rummy. I think she's afraid. BILL. BARBARA. I expect. bustle. BARBARA. BILL [sullenly] I ain't afraid of him. Bill. Poor little Jenny! Are you tired? [Looking at the wounded cheek] Does i t hurt? JENNY. [He resumes his seat]. BARBARA [critically] It was as hard as he could hit. Rummy Mitchens com es from the shelter]. lest he should suppose that she shrank from him or bore malice. He'll convert you. but says nothing. I ain't afraid of ennybody. Sergeant Todger Fairmile. Im that wrastled in the music all? SHIRLEY. But he can li ck me. Major. He'll be glad to see you. That's him. He'll convert your head into a mashed potato. I'll take him to the infirmary when it's over. [He sits down moodily on the edge of the horse trough]. BARBARA [her resemblance to her mother flashing out for a moment] Nonsense! she must do as she's told. Bill writhes with an agonizi ng return of his new and alarming symptoms. No: it's all right now. BILL. Send Rummy Mitchens out to clear away here. do you? JENNY. The competitions at the National Sportin Club was worth nigh a hundred a year to him. no: indeed I don't.

No. Peter? Will you go into the shelter and lend the la sses a hand for a while: we're worked off our feet. SHIRLEY [calmly] Don't you be afeerd. are you. RUMMY. i gentleman. Bill and addressing him in a subdued voice. I wouldn't have your conscience. UNDERSHAFT [gravely] Poverty. [He is about to go into the shelter when Barbara com es out. papa. you flat eared pignosed potwalloper. [He goes to the penthouse and sits down on a form]. but with i the lor of you. what is your religion--in case I hav e to introduce you again? UNDERSHAFT. SHIRLEY [angrily] Who made your millions for you? Me and my like. RUMMY [stealing across to ntense conviction] I'd av f she'd let me. Major. BARBARA. All right. I wouldn't have your income. Then I'm afraid you and Mr Shirley wont be able to comfort one another after all. Mr Shirley . BILL [savagely] Don't you talk to me. with grea takes no notice]. Rummy takes the three plates and mugs. but Shirley takes back his mug from her. My religion? Well. Peter? SHIRLEY. Mr Shirley! [Between them] This is my father: I told you he was a Secularist. followed by Barb ara]. BARBARA. RUMMY [with hauteur] I ain't ad the pleasure o being hintroduced to you. There ain't any crumbs. [She goes into the shelter with the plates]. my friend. You lea me alone. not for all your conscience. By the way. [Snobby goes back into the shelter. to hit a lady in the face. as I ca n remember. You ain't such prime company that you need expect to be sought after. That is my religion. You're no ter things moving in him. as there it still come milk left in it. anyway. BARBARA [stopping Shirley adroitly as he is about to retort] You wouldn't think he was my father. UNDERSHAFT. didn't I? Perhaps you'll be able to comfort one another . [Bill. I am a Millionaire. I'm sure. BARBARA. my dear.o be washed. This ain't a time to waste good bread on birds. You're not a Millionaire. and throw the crumbs about for the birds. Says he's your father. would you. UNDERSHAFT [startled] A Secularist! Not the least in the world: on the contrary. a confirmed mystic. . and proud of it. SHIRLEY [following her] Here! in with you and don't get yourself into more troub le by talking. not for all your income. PRICE [appearing at the shelter door] Gentleman come to see the shelter. I'm not dirt under your feet. Coming. Sorry. d'ye hear. or I'll do yo u a mischief. with Undershaft on her right]. BARBARA. What's kep us poor? Keepin you rich. Oh there you are. is not a thing to be proud of.

Who else is it? BARBARA. as we do? BILL [his legs curling back in spite of him] I'm appy enough. and stretches his legs in an attempt to seem indiffer ent]. if you're happy. When he gets round people they get miserable. I tell you. and give that conscience of yours a holiday [bustling hi m into the shelter]. He glances up at her and casts his eyes down ag ain. Bill? BILL [starting up from the trough in consternation] It's a lie: I never said so. Barbara turns to her father. why don't you look happy. BARBARA. and let me watch it for a while. and whose expression of brooding wrath has deepened] Oh. Just watch. whose attitude has never changed. BILL. Chock it. You'd have been a very taking lecturer on Secularism. for love of them. UNDERSHAFT. Wot new friend? BARBARA. uneasy. All right. but for love of them. Who told you wot was in my mind? BARBARA. In with you. just lik e you. But why did he let you hit p oor little Jenny Hill? That wasn't very manly of him. miss. Why do n't you lea me alown? Wot av I done to you? I ain't smashed your face. The devil. BARBARA. but grimmer than ever]. UNDERSHAFT. my dear. and is rather scandalized]. HILL [with a heartbreaking attempt at devil-may-care cheerfulness] I ain't miser able. BILL [blustering] Make a man o ME! Ain't I a man? eh? ain't I a man? Who sez I'm not a man? BARBARA. I'm sick of your Jenny I ll and er silly little face. we shall cure him in no time. SHIRLEY [as he goes in] Ah! it's a pity you never was trained to use your reason . I suppose. Bill. [ She goes over to Bill and waits. Well. was it? BILL [tormented] Av done with it. Peter. [She shakes her head]. [He sits down again. There! Don't st are at me. I tell you. Never mind me.SHIRLEY [bitterly] Yes: I'm in their debt for a meal. Oh. wouldn't it. There's a man in you somewhere. Only your new friend. BILL. Bill. Go about your work. I suppose. It would be nice to just stamp on Mog Habbi jam's face. . what's the matter with that out-patient over there? BARBARA [looking at Bill. av I? BARBARA [softly: wooing his soul] It's not me that's getting at you. ain't I? BARBARA. not because you're in their debt. Som ebody or something that wants to make a man of you. [He cannot understand. For instance. Somebody that doesn't intend you to smash women's faces.

I didn't ast you. But he didn't give in to his sal vation until his heart was going to break. that you come noggin and provowkin me lawk this? [He writhes convulsively from his eyes to his toes]. would he? BILL [almost crying] Ow. and Bill. Cawn't you never keep your mahth shut? I ast the genlmn. I can. Bill. That is a frightful reflection. Wot dye mean? Wy ain't I got a art the same as ennybody else? BARBARA. Bill. Don't l et's get you cheap. That'll make us square. Mr Walker. escapes from the s pell as Barbara turns quickly. Why? Do you think he won't be happy with me? BILL. Well. Yes: you're going to heaven. . Then why do you keep thinking about it? Why does it keep coming up agai nst you in your mind? You're not getting converted. I bashe d Jenny Ill's face. It's curious: it's exactly what an ancient Greek would have done. Come with us. and you're coming back here before the wee k's out to tell me so. BARBARA [with a steady soothing hand on his arm and a gentle voice that never le ts him go] It's your soul that's hurting you. BILL. Dolly. [He is on the point of breaking down]. [To Barbara] Eah! do you know where I'm goin to. You lie. Put out your strength. BILL [fervently] Gawd elp im! Gawd elp im! BARBARA. Bill. BILL. Goin to marry im? BARBARA. Two black eyes wont make one white one. This is my bloke. I'm goin to Kennintahn. and not me. BILL. Yes: I should do it. [To Adolphus] Is tha t fair or is it not? You're a genlmn: you oughter know. and wot I'm goin to do? BARBARA. Not arf. BARBARA. CUSINS [reflectively] Yes: I think you're right. A man with a heart wouldn't have bashed poor little Jenny's face. Mr Walker. To brave manho od on earth and eternal glory in heaven. are you? BILL [with conviction] Not ME. Todger Fairmile said he wrestled for three nights against hi s Salvation harder than he ever wrestled with the Jap at the music hall. CUSINS. He gave in to the Jap when his arm was going to break. Yes. We've been throu gh it all ourselves. [He looks wildly round]. to spit in Todger Fairmile's eye. Come. Bill: Mr Cusins. Adolphus enters from the shelter with a big drum] . BILL.BARBARA. You haven 't any heart. Hold out against it. Oh! there you are. will you lea me alown? Av I ever offered to meddle with you. have you? BILL. and now I'll get me own face bashed and come back and show i t to er. Mr Bill Walke r. [Cusins salutes with his drumstick]. with a gasp. I've only ad to stand it for a mornin: e'll av to stand it for a lifetime. [A drum is heard in the shelter. Perhaps you'll escape that. Bill. E'll it me ardern I it er. That's right. Not likely. Let me introduce a new friend of mine. BARBARA. But I can't tear myself away from her.

BARBARA. Undershaft and Adolpbus now have the yard to themselves. BILL. Not at all. The two things are-CUSINS. Well. [Cusin s flourishes his drumsticks as if in the art of beating a lively rataplan. It's all right. Baptism and-UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT. as people cannot kiss over a big drum without prac tice. I q uite think I shall die young.BARBARA. I am a sort of collector of religions. Exactly so. and the curious thing is that I find I can believe them all. but m akes no sound]. No. I'd give you suthink you'd feel urtin. have you any religion? UNDERSHAFT. and kisses her over the drum. Yes. it will give Mr Fairmile some exercise. But what good will it do? CUSINS. BARBARA. If it lasts. [To Adolphu s] You take my tip. so I would. Should you mind? CUSINS. Mr Cusins. we've not forgotten you. Anything out of the common? UNDERSHAFT. Undershaft coughs]. Dolly! [indignant. Dolly: explain the place to papa: I haven't time. and still keenly attentive. papa. Ah kin you tell wether I've a soul or not? You never seen it. CUSINS. [She goes busily into the shelter]. . CUSINS [looking after him] I wonder! BARBARA. CUSINS [disappointed. BILL [with compressed aggravation] If you was my girl and took the word out o me mahth lawk thet. Undershaft. it's very wearing to be in love with you. and it will satisfy Mr Wal ker's soul. I've seen it hurting you when you went against it. [With int ense expression] Wore aht: thets wot you'll be: wore aht. Yes. Stop er jawr. Rot! there ain't no sach a thing as a soul. [He goes away through the gate]. mate. evid ently not for the first time. But suppose Barbara finds you out! CUSINS. I do not admit that I am imposing on Barbara. I am quite genui nely interested in the views of the Salvation Army. my dear. the Church Catechism. Money and gunpowder. BARBARA. seated on a form. By the way. or you'll die afore your time. Only that there are two things necessary to Salvation. [He is suddenly softened. in her mother's manner]. The fact is. UNDERSHAFT. You know. looks hard at Adolphus. but polite] Ah. I fancy you guess something of what is in my mind. Charles Lomax also b elongs to the Established Church. Adolphus looks hard a t him. CUSINS.

However. Father Undershaft: you are mistaken: I am a sincere Salvationist. Yes: they are the graces and luxuries of a rich. It picks the waster out of the public house and makes a man of him: it finds a worm wriggling in a back kitchen. sends him down the public street drumming dithyrambs [he plays a thundering flou rish on the drum]. The cadence of this reply makes a full close in the conversation. if the drum worries you-. That is your religion? UNDERSHAFT. truth . You remember what Euripides says about your money and gunpowder? UNDERSHAFT. You do not understand the Salvation Army. strong. of love. Thank you. CUSINS. So will you. and stands it on the ground opposite the gateway]. and lo! a woman! Men and women of rank too. UNDERSHAFT. No. they are accustomed to these sudden ecstasies of piety. UNDERSHAFT. It takes the poor professor of Greek. You will alarm the shelter. It is the army of joy. unhooks the drum. from his meal of roots. as becomes a sally from heaven by its happy garriso n.CUSINS [surprised. You will have to choose between your religion and Barbara. of courage: it has banished the fear and remorse and despair of the old hellridden evangelic al sects: it marches to fight the devil with trumpet and drum. UNDERSHAFT. with music and da ncing. and lets loose the rhapsodist in him. mercy and so forth? UNDERSHAFT. CUSINS. the mos t artificial and self-suppressed of human creatures. Excuse me: is there any place in your religion for honor. UNDERSHAFT. And men in their millions float and flow .[he pockets the drumsticks. CUSINS. Suppose one is forced to choose between them and money or gunpowder? UNDERSHAFT. justice. Yes. She will find out that that drum of yours is hollow. CUSINS. Undershaft contemplates him. Choose money and gunpowder. Cusins twists his face dubiously and contemplates Undershaft. CUSINS. but interested] That is the general opinion of our governing classes. Oh. Just so. CUSINS. my friend. sons and daughters of the Highest. and safe li fe. CUSINS [declaiming] One and another In money and guns may outpass his brother. for without enough of both you cannot af ford the others. Barbara won't stand that. love. CUSINS. with banner and palm. reveals the true worship of Dionysos to him. The novelty is in hearing any man confess it.

I think. The word means Loveliness. I get it. a most infernal o ld rascal. Is it so hard a thing to see That the spirit of God--whate'er it be-The Law that abides and changes not. Why go back to such an uninteres . UNDERSHAFT. I don't like marriage: I feel intensely afraid of it. that if you wish to know. t hat to live is happy. They shake. And their hopes are dead or are pined for still: But whoe'er can know As the long days go That to live is happy. May I ask--as Barbara's father--how much a year she is to be loved f or ever on? CUSINS. What else is Wisdom? What of Man's endeavor. but why should I waste your time in discussing what is inevitable? UNDERSHAFT. You mean that you will stick at nothing not even the conversion of t he Salvation Army to the worship of Dionysos. Do you consider it a good match for her? CUSINS [with polite obstinacy] Mr Undershaft: I am in many ways a weak. i neffectual person. The business of the Salvation Army is to save. but you appeal very strongly to my sense of ironic humor. as far as I am able to gather. as the long days go. Or God's high grace so lovely and so great? To stand from fear set free? to breathe and wait? To hold a hand uplifted over Fate? And shall not Barbara be loved for ever? UNDERSHAFT. CUSINS. I can feed her by teaching Greek: that is about all. I feel that way about Barba ra. not to wrangle about the name of the pathfinder. UNDERSHAFT [suddenly concentrating himself] And now to business. As Barbara's father. CUSINS. and power enough to be your own master. UNDERSHAFT. But whenever I feel t hat I must have anything. you must first acquire money enough for a decent life. that is more your affair than mine. Dionysos or another: what does it matter? UNDERSHAFT [rising and approaching him] Professor Cusins you are a young man aft er my own heart. But I feel that I and nobod y else must marry her.--Not that I wish to be arb itrary. or they miss their will. The Eternal and Nature-born: these things be strong. We were discussing religion. Euripides mentions Barbara. You are damnably discouraging. Mr Undershaft: you are. My translation: what do you think of it? UNDERSHAFT. CUSINS. [He resumes his declamation]. sooner or later. ages long. timid. Pardon me. does he? CUSINS. CUSINS.And seethe with a million hopes as leaven. my friend. Undershaft mutely offers his hand. Please regard that as settled. And they win their will. has found his heaven. and I don't know what I shall do with Barbara or what she will do with me. and my health is far from satisfactory. It is a fair translation.

What! Money and gunpowder! UNDERSHAFT.ting and unimportant subject as business? UNDERSHAFT. mad as a hatter. Have you. I shall ha nd on my torch to my daughter. That doesn't matter. CUSINS. But I am astonished. Of course you know that you are mad. freedom and power. UNDERSHAFT [with redoubled force] And you? CUSINS. No. CUSINS. Barbara is quite original in her religion. command of life and com mand of death. Can a sane man translate Euripides? CUSINS. Would anyone else than a madman make them? And now [with surging ene rgy] question for question. CUSINS. too. CUSINS. UNDERSHAFT [reining him by the shoulder] Can a sane woman make a man of a waster or a woman of a worm? CUSINS [reeling before the storm] Father Colossus--Mammoth Millionaire-UNDERSHAFT [pressing him] Are there two mad people or three in this Salvation sh elter to-day? CUSINS. She shall make my converts and preach my gospel. with a father's love. Mr Undershaft. We have to win her. fallen in love with Barbara? UNDERSHAFT. You mean Barbara is as mad as we are! UNDERSHAFT [pushing him lightly off and resuming his equanimity suddenly and com . UNDERSHAFT. Yes. Religion is our business at present. mistrustful fancy in the same breath with it. The power Barbara wields here--the power that wield s Barbara herself--is not Calvinism. UNDERSHAFT [triumphantly] Aha! Barbara Undershaft would be. How do you suppose it got there? UNDERSHAFT [in towering excitement] It is the Undershaft inheritance. Yes. Keep to the point. not Presbyterianism. and we are neither of us Meth odists. Not Greek Paganism either. not Methodism-UNDERSHAFT. eh? CUSINS. Oh. because it is through religion alone that we can win Barbara. I apologize for mentioning my own pale. You are welcome to my secret since I have discovere d yours. Her inspiration come s from within herself. Can a madman make cannons? UNDERSHAFT. money and gunpowder. CUSINS [urbanely: trying to bring him down to earth] This is extremely interesti ng. I admit that. coy. A father's love for a grown-up daughter is the most dangerous of all inf atuations. CUSINS.

UNDERSHAFT. That is the Church of the poor. We three must stand together above the common people: how else can we help t heir children to climb up beside us? Barbara must belong to us. UNDERSHAFT. I don't think you quite know what the Army does for the poor. I prefer sober workmen. like St Francis? Have you ever been in love with Dirt. . not to the Salva tion Army. CUSINS. Nonsense! It makes them sober-UNDERSHAFT. You shall see. CUSINS. --attached to their homes-UNDERSHAFT. Quite impossible. What have we three to do w ith the common mob of slaves and idolaters? [He sits down again with a shrug of contempt for the mob]. So much the better: they will put up with anything sooner than chang e their shop. CUSINS. but I have been a common man and a poor man. Have you never felt the romance of that love? UNDERSHAFT [cold and sardonic] Have you ever been in love with Poverty. but the most unnatural of all the vices. It draws their teeth: that is enough for me--as a man o f business-CUSINS. I am a milli onaire. CUSINS. The profits are larger. you don't know Ba rbara. All religious organizations exist by selling themselv es to the rich. CUSINS. This love of the common people may please an earl's granddaughter and a university professor. Honest workmen are the most economical. like St Simeon? Have you ever bee n in love with disease and suffering. you are a poet. An invaluable safeguard against revolution. Professor! let us call things by their proper names. CUSINS. but I can buy the Salvation Army. like our nurses and philanthropists? Such passions are not virtues. and it has no romance for me. UNDERSHAFT. Well. --happy-UNDERSHAFT. Not the Army. CUSINS. All the more reason for buying it. My friend: I never ask for what I can buy. Leav e it to the poor to pretend that poverty is a blessing: leave it to the coward t o make a religion of his cowardice by preaching humility: we know better than th at. CUSINS. So am I. Oh yes I do. Take care! Barbara is in love with the common people. No.pletely] Pooh. UNDERSHAFT. I can only say that if you think you will get her away from the Sa lvation Army by talking to her as you have been talking to me. Barbara is a savior of souls. CUSINS [in a white fury] Do I understand you to imply that you can buy Barbara? UNDERSHAFT. --honest-UNDERSHAFT.

on which Jenny begins to cou nt the money.CUSINS. Put it back in your pocket. your employers must have got a good deal by it from first to last. Oh Snobby. Snobby. we sho uld have got the whole five shillings! PRICE. Barbara comes from the shelter to the middle of the yard. Mr Price. and nothing but good blood can cleanse them. miss. BARBARA. Two million millions would not be enough. with one foot on the side form. which suits me exactly. and Jenny Hill. You can't buy your Salvation here for twope nce: you must work it out. she'd be sorry I didn't. PRICE. BARBARA. O h what a joy it will be to her when she hears I'm saved! UNDERSHAFT. There is bad blood on your ha nds. who has just came from the shelter and str olled dejectedly down the yard between them] And this is an honest man! SHIRLEY. Snobby Price. --with their thoughts on heavenly things-UNDERSHAFT [rising] And not on Trade Unionism nor Socialism. eh? [He takes a couple of pennies from his pocket. I've hardly ever seen them so much moved as they were by your confessi on. Four and tenpence. How much. Take it away. sits down on the same form nearer the shelter. As usual. Is twopence not enough? I can afford a little more. [He sits on the table. If she heard you say that. if you had given your poor mother just one more kick. beaming sanctimoniously. BARBARA. But I'm glad. Barbara? The millionaire's mite . come from the shelter and go to the drum. She is excited and a little overwro ught]. By selling cannons. So it will. --unselfish-UNDERSHAFT. overwhelmed.] BARBARA. UNDERSHAFT [replying to Shirley] Oh. Shall I contribute the odd twopence. submarines. C usins. Major. Yes. BARBARA. Excellent. Jenny? JENNY. BARBARA. We've just had a splendid experience meeting at the other gate in Cripp s's lane. CUSINS. How did you make that twopence? UNDERSHAFT. Dolly: you must write another letter for me to the paper . Money is no use. UNDERSHAFT. and what av I got by it? [he passes on bitterly and sits on the fo rm. if you press me. I could almost be glad of my past wickedness if I could believe that it w ould elp to keep hathers stright. torpedoes. with a tambourine full of coppers. UNDERSHAFT [indicating Peter Shirley. CUSINS [revolted] You really are an infernal old rascal. in the corner of the penthouse]. Indifferent to their own interests. [She turns to Cusins]. and my new pate nt Grand Duke hand grenade.

UNDERSHAFT [in profound irony] Genuine unselfishness is capable of anything. JENNY [running to her] Major. don't I. I shall be delighted. as she turns away to take the money from the drum and p ut it in a cash bag she carries] Yes. What man? JENNY. [Almost breaking down] It's frightful. dad. BARBARA. and she is very anxious to meet you. my dear. but I wish we could do without it. Oh. Bill Walker. Th e starvation this winter is beating us: everybody is unemployed. of course. comes through the gate. It's a fair treat to see you work it. isn't it? [Undershaft looks sardonically a t Cusins]. I hope he's coming back to join us. CUSINS [aside to Undershaft] Mephistopheles! Machiavelli! BARBARA [tears coming into her eyes as she ties the bag and pockets it] How are we to feed them? I can't talk religion to a man with bodily hunger in his eyes. The way you got them up from three-and-six to four-and-ten with that hymn. BARBARA. [He makes a wry face]. his hands deep in his pockets and his chin sunk between his shoulders. It will be all right. We shall get th e money. Well. but it must be done. like a cleaned-out gambler . How? JENNY. BARBARA. Snobby? PRICE. I force the collections at the meetings until I am ashamed. UNDERSHAFT. Perhaps she'll convert you. The man that hit me. BARBARA [unsuspectingly. and she has never prayed for it in vain: never once. JENNY [at the gate: excitedly] Major! Major! Here's that man back again. my dear. Mrs Baines says she prayed for it last nigh t. Yes. Yes: I know you don't like it. By praying for it. UNDERSHAFT. was a caution. I am getting at last to think m ore of the collection than of the people's souls. miss. has Todger paid you out for poor Jenny's jaw? . Pretty nearly. He halts between Barbara and the drum.s. for some reason or other. The General say s we must close this shelter if we cant get more money. dear-BARBARA [rebounding] No: don't comfort me. penny by penny and verse by verse. av you? BARBARA. with frost on his jacket. not to be always begging for the Army in a way I'd d ie sooner than beg for myself. And what are those hatfuls of pence and halfpence? We want thousands! tens of thousands! hundreds of thousands ! I want to convert people. Bill! Back already! BILL [nagging at her] Bin talkin ever sense. Mrs Baines has come to march with us to our big meeting this afternoon. Hullo. [She goes to the gate an d looks out into the street]. Not a Cheap Jack on Mile End Waste could touch you at it. BARBARA [who has dried her eyes and regained her composure] By the way.

Bill! You must have done something to him first. BILL. E was prayin for me: prayin comfortable with me as a carpet." That was wot she said. It was only that I was frightened. an e's bin fined fifteen bob. but don't urt is dear art. if I cawn't settisfaw you one way. E looks up at the sky and sez. Yes. You want to know where the snow come from. NO he ain't. Walker. I tried to get me own jawr broke to settisfaw you-JENNY [distressed] Oh no-BILL [impatiently] Tell y'I did: cawn't you listen to wot's bein told you? All I got be it was bein made a sight of in the public street for me pains. Pity you didn't rub some off with your knees. Yes: you'd a got in a hextra bit o talk on me. BARBARA. A mate n mine last week ad words with the Judy e's goin to marry. JENNY. wouldn't you? JENNY. or be ennybody. I thought your jacket looked a bit snowy. E . I can another. No. We're so sorry. ai n't it? JENNY. except for a moment. Arf the street prayed. an then a called me Brother. I'm so sorry. Mog she sez "O Lord break is stubborn spirit. Listen ere! I ad two quid saved a gen the frost. BILL. "O that I should be fahnd worthy to be spit upon for the gospel's sake !" a sez. E give er wot-for. "Don't urt is dear ar t"! An er bloke--thirteen stun four!--kneelin wiv all is weight on me. [To Barbara] There! are you settisfawd nah? BARBARA [her eyes dancing] Wish I'd been there. so e was. So it is snowy. Todger was. S o was Mog. BILL. BILL [with your mirthless humor] I was saving another man's knees at the time. BILL [doggedly] I did wot I said I'd do. BILL [fiercely] Don't you go bein sorry for me: you've no call. It go t rubbed off be my shoulders see? BARBARA. I spit in is eye. Bill. JENNY. an I've a pahnd of it left. E was kneelin on my ed. So was the ole bloomin meetin. Listen ere. don't you? BARBARA. Mr. Funny. an Mog sez "Glory Allelloolier!". Served you right. BILL. an the tother arf larfed fit t o split theirselves. Who was kneeling on your head? BILL. I adn't j ust no show wiv im at all.BILL. Well. it come from off the ground in Parkinses Corner in Kennintahn. an dahn ed me as if I was a kid and a was me mother washin me a Setterda nawt. Bill! That would have don e you a lot of good. Wot I did I'll pay for. I br oke your jawr. BARBARA [enjoying it frankly] Nonsense! of course it's funny. I don't want to be forgive be you. Mr Walker. Oh no. it didn't hurt me: indeed it didn't. Well.

ad a right to it er because they was goin to be marrid; but I adn't no right to it you; so put anather fawv bob on an call it a pahnd's worth. [He produces a so vereign]. Ere's the money. Take it; and let's av no more o your forgivin an pray in and your Major jawrin me. Let wot I done be done and paid for; and let there be a end of it. JENNY. Oh, I couldn't take it, Mr. Walker. But if you would give a shilling or t wo to poor Rummy Mitchens! you really did hurt her; and she's old. BILL [contemptuously] Not likely. I'd give her anather as soon as look at er. Le t her av the lawr o me as she threatened! She ain't forgiven me: not mach. Wot I done to er is not on me mawnd--wot she [indicating Barbara] might call on me co nscience--no more than stickin a pig. It's this Christian game o yours that I wo n't av played agen me: this bloomin forgivin an noggin an jawrin that makes a ma n that sore that iz lawf's a burdn to im. I won't av it, I tell you; so take you r money and stop throwin your silly bashed face hup agen me. JENNY. Major: may I take a little of it for the Army? BARBARA. No: the Army is not to be bought. We want your soul, Bill; and we'll ta ke nothing less. BILL [bitterly] I know. It ain't enough. Me an me few shillins is not good enoug h for you. You're a earl's grendorter, you are. Nothin less than a underd pahnd for you. UNDERSHAFT. Come, Barbara! you could do a great deal of good with a hundred poun ds. If you will set this gentleman's mind at ease by taking his pound, I will gi ve the other ninety-nine [Bill, astounded by such opulence, instinctively touche s his cap]. BARBARA. Oh, you're too extravagant, papa. Bill offers twenty pieces of silver. All you need offer is the other ten. That will make the standard price to buy an ybody who's for sale. I'm not; and the Army's not. [To Bill] You'll never have a nother quiet moment, Bill, until you come round to us. You can't stand out again st your salvation. BILL [sullenly] I cawn't stend aht agen music all wrastlers and artful tongued w omen. I've offered to pay. I can do no more. Take it or leave it. There it is. [ He throws the sovereign on the drum, and sits down on the horse-trough. The coin fascinates Snobby Price, who takes an early opportunity of dropping his cap on it]. Mrs Baines comes from the shelter. She is dressed as a Salvation Army Commission er. She is an earnest looking woman of about 40, with a caressing, urgent voice, and an appealing manner. BARBARA. This is my father, Mrs Baines. [Undershaft comes from the table, taking his hat off with marked civility]. Try what you can do with him. He won't liste n to me, because he remembers what a fool I was when I was a baby. [She leaves them together and chats with Jenny]. MRS BAINES. Have you been shown over the shelter, Mr Undershaft? You know the wo rk we're doing, of course. UNDERSHAFT [very civilly] The whole nation knows it, Mrs Baines. MRS BAINES. No, Sir: the whole nation does not know it, or we should not be crip pled as we are for want of money to carry our work through the length and breadt

h of the land. Let me tell you that there would have been rioting this winter in London but for us. UNDERSHAFT. You really think so? MRS BAINES. I know it. I remember 1886, when you rich gentlemen hardened your he arts against the cry of the poor. They broke the windows of your clubs in Pall M all. UNDERSHAFT [gleaming with approval of their method] And the Mansion House Fund w ent up next day from thirty thousand pounds to seventy-nine thousand! I remember quite well. MRS BAINES. Well, won't you help me to get at the people? They won't break windo ws then. Come here, Price. Let me show you to this gentleman [Price comes to be inspected]. Do you remember the window breaking? PRICE. My ole father thought it was the revolution, ma'am. MRS BAINES. Would you break windows now? PRICE. Oh no ma'm. The windows of eaven av bin opened to me. I know now that the rich man is a sinner like myself. RUMMY [appearing above at the loft door] Snobby Price! SNOBBY. Wot is it? RUMMY. Your mother's askin for you at the other gate in Crippses Lane. She's hea rd about your confession [Price turns pale]. MRS BAINES. Go, Mr. Price; and pray with her. JENNY. You can go through the shelter, Snobby. PRICE [to Mrs Baines] I couldn't face her now; ma'am, with all the weight of my sins fresh on me. Tell her she'll find her son at ome, waitin for her in prayer. [He skulks off through the gate, incidentally stealing the sovereign on his way out by picking up his cap from the drum]. MRS BAINES [with swimming eyes] You see how we take the anger and the bitterness against you out of their hearts, Mr Undershaft. UNDERSHAFT. It is certainly most convenient and gratifying to all large employer s of labor, Mrs Baines. MRS BAINES. Barbara: Jenny: I have good news: most wonderful news. [Jenny runs t o her]. My prayers have been answered. I told you they would, Jenny, didn't I? JENNY. Yes, yes. BARBARA [moving nearer to the drum] Have we got money enough to keep the shelter open? MRS BAINES. I hope we shall have enough to keep all the shelters open. Lord Saxm undham has promised us five thousand pounds-BARBARA. Hooray! JENNY. Glory!

MRS BAINES. --if-BARBARA. "If!" If what? MRS BAINES. If five other gentlemen will give a thousand each to make it up to t en thousand. BARBARA. Who is Lord Saxmundham? I never heard of him. UNDERSHAFT [who has pricked up his ears at the peer's name, and is now watching Barbara curiously] A new creation, my dear. You have heard of Sir Horace Bodger? BARBARA. Bodger! Do you mean the distiller? Bodger's whisky! UNDERSHAFT. That is the man. He is one of the greatest of our public benefactors . He restored the cathedral at Hakington. They made him a baronet for that. He g ave half a million to the funds of his party: they made him a baron for that. SHIRLEY. What will they give him for the five thousand? UNDERSHAFT. There is nothing left to give him. So the five thousand, I should th ink, is to save his soul. MRS BAINES. Heaven grant it may! Oh Mr. Undershaft, you have some very rich frie nds. Can't you help us towards the other five thousand? We are going to hold a g reat meeting this afternoon at the Assembly Hall in the Mile End Road. If I coul d only announce that one gentleman had come forward to support Lord Saxmundham, others would follow. Don't you know somebody? Couldn't you? Wouldn't you? [her e yes fill with tears] oh, think of those poor people, Mr Undershaft: think of how much it means to them, and how little to a great man like you. UNDERSHAFT [sardonically gallant] Mrs Baines: you are irresistible. I can't disa ppoint you; and I can't deny myself the satisfaction of making Bodger pay up. Yo u shall have your five thousand pounds. MRS BAINES. Thank God! UNDERSHAFT. You don't thank me? MRS BAINES. Oh sir, don't try to be cynical: don't be ashamed of being a good ma n. The Lord will bless you abundantly; and our prayers will be like a strong for tification round you all the days of your life. [With a touch of caution] You wi ll let me have the cheque to show at the meeting, won't you? Jenny: go in and fe tch a pen and ink. [Jenny runs to the shelter door]. UNDERSHAFT. Do not disturb Miss Hill: I have a fountain pen. [Jenny halts. He si ts at the table and writes the cheque. Cusins rises to make more room for him. T hey all watch him silently]. BILL [cynically, aside to Barbara, his voice and accent horribly debased] Wot pr awce Selvytion nah? BARBARA. Stop. [Undershaft stops writing: they all turn to her in surprise]. Mrs Baines: are you really going to take this money? MRS BAINES [astonished] Why not, dear? BARBARA. Why not! Do you know what my father is? Have you forgotten that Lord Sa xmundham is Bodger the whisky man? Do you remember how we implored the County Co

Oh be joyful! [He takes t he drumsticks from his pockets and flourishes them]. not one drop of which is shed in a r eally just cause! the ravaged crops! the peaceful peasants forced. it assists the doctor: that is perhaps a less questionable way of putting it. It enables Parliament to do things a t eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. Well. Is it B odger's fault that this inestimable gift is deplorably abused by less than one p er cent of the poor? [He turns again to the table. and crosses it]. MRS BAINES. Mrs Baines. CUSINS [mounting the form in an ecstasy of mischief] The millennium will be inau gurated by the unselfishness of Undershaft and Bodger. [He gi ves her the cheque]. too.uncil to stop him from writing Bodger's Whisky in letters of fire against the sk y. never busier than when the papers are full of it. [Her lips move in prayer] . and I'll do m y best to help him to his salvation. Every convert you make is a vote against war. it is your work to preach peace on earth and goodwill to men. and his tied houses? Are you going to make our shelter another tied house for him. Bodger. It heals the sick-BARBARA. UNDERSHAFT [with a reasonableness which Cusins alone perceives to be ironical] M y dear Barbara: alcohol is a very necessary article. may claim a little disinterestedne ss. It does nothing of the sort. Yet I give you this money to help you to hasten my own commercial ruin. Dear Barbara: Lord Saxmundham has a soul to be saved like any of us. with his whisky. his distilleries. clearly! Bless dear Bodg er! [Barbara almost breaks down as Adolpbus. and ask me to keep it? BILL. MRS BAINES [taking the cheque] The longer I live the more proof I see that there is an Infinite Goodness that turns everything to the work of salvation sooner o . so that the poor drinkruined creatures on the embankment could not wake up fr om their snatches of sleep without being reminded of their deadly thirst by that wicked sky sign? Do you know that the worst thing I have had to fight here is n ot the devil. If heaven has found the way to make a good use of his money. UNDERSHAFT. but he g oes on remorselessly]! the oceans of blood. Bodger. Barbara: will there be less drinking or more if all those poor souls we are saving come to-morrow and find the doors of our shelters shut in their f aces? Lord Saxmundham gives us the money to stop drinking--to take his own busin ess from him. CUSINS [impishly] Pure self-sacrifice on Bodger's part. are we to set ours elves up against the answer to our prayers? BARBARA. to till their fields under the fire of opposing armies on pain of starvation! the bad blood of the fierce little cowards at home who egg on others to fight fo r the gratification of their national vanity! All this makes money for me: I am never richer. Well. UNDERSHAFT [tearing out the cheque and pocketing the book as he rises and goes p ast Cusins to Mrs Baines] I also. Think of my business! think of the widows and orphans! the men and lads torn to pieces with shrapnel and poisoned with lyddite [Mrs Baines shrinks. MRS BAINES. Rotten drunken whisky it is too. and go on being as wicked as ever. women and men . It makes life bearable to millions of people who could not endur e their existence if they were quite sober. Let him come down here. fails her]. but Bodger. But he wants to send his cheque down to buy us. signs the cheque. [Mrs Baines's face lights up again]. I know he has a soul to be saved.

[She begins taking off the silver brooch from her collar]. as he forces the trombone on him] Blow. Mrs Baines [he gives her the flag]. and saved through you. and c oming between Mrs Baines and Undershaft] You shall carry the flag down the first street. [He rushes into th e shelter. as he takes the trombone] The trumpet in Zion! [Cusins rushes to the drum. MRS BAINES. We convert everything to good here. dear. Major darling. CUSINS. [Aside to Undershaft. MRS BAINES. "For thee immense rejoicing--immenso giubilo--immenso giubilo. Jenny takes her tambourine from the drum head]. You remember the chorus. Machiavelli. JENNY [running to Mrs Baines and throwing her arms round her] Oh dear! how bless ed. aloud] I will do my best. CUSINS. Come. Barbara: what are you doing? . CUSINS [snatches the tambourine out of Jenny's hand and mutely offers it to Barb ara]. whilst Cusins recklessly tosses the tambourine back to Jenny and goes to the g ate] I can't come. but we have conve rted it. Excuse me just an instant. Mr Undershaft is a gifted trombonis t: he shall intone an Olympian diapason to the West Ham Salvation March. No. blow. I could vamp a bass if I knew the tune. [She is affected to tears]. and may you have a great meeting! JENNY.r later. JENNY. Barbara: I must have my dear Major to carry the flag with me. tum tum ti ta-BARBARA. MRS BAINES. how glorious it all is! CUSINS [in a convulsion of irony] Let us seize this unspeakable moment. But arn't you coming? BARBARA. Let us m arch to the great meeting at once. yes. UNDERSHAFT [aside to him. BARBARA [coming forward a little as she puts the offer behind her with a shudder . which he takes up and puts on. Dolly: you are breaking my heart. Go. Who would have thought that any good could have come out of war and dri nk? And yet their profits are brought today to the feet of salvation to do its b lessed work. It is a wedding chorus from one of Donizetti's operas. Yes. Not come! MRS BAINES [with tears in her eyes] Barbara: do you think I am wrong to take the money? BARBARA [impulsively going to her and kissing her] No. I am possessed. Mr Undershaft: have you ever seen a thousand people fall on their kn ees with one impulse and pray? Come with us to the meeting. What is a broken heart more or less here? Dionysos Undershaft has descen ded. CUSINS [returning impetuously from the shelter with a flag and a trombone. JENNY. Undershaft continues. Barbara shall tell t hem that the Army is saved." [With dr um obbligato] Rum tum ti tum tum. no: God help you. y ou must: you are saving the Army. including Bodger.

BILL [taunting] Wot prawce Selvytion nah? SHIRLEY. promise me you will pra y for us. which rapidly becomes more distant as the procession moves briskly awa y]. UNDERSHAFT [coming to her] My dear! [Seeing that she is going to pin the badge o n his collar. Glory Hallelujah! [flourishing her tambourine and marching]. The march passes away i nto silence. Why are you taking your badge off? You can't be going to leave us. Perhaps I shall never pray again. We'll never lose you. BARBARA [following him] Don't be frightened. I was ap ere all the time an se e im do it. the re! Immenso giubilo. BARBARA [quietly] Father: come here. BILL [sneering after her] Naow. I can't pray now. BILL. Don't you hit her when she's down. Barbara: if you won't come and pray with us. Bill. he misses the money]. Major. Blood and Fire! [Sh e marches out through the gate with her flag]. [Turning to the drum. Drunkenness and Murder! My God: why hast thou forsaken me? She sinks on the form with her face buried in her hands. Play up. dear. Now Jenny: step out with the old flag. UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins. MRS BAINES. [He gives the time with his drum. I must go. Barbara! JENNY. Ellow! If you ain't took it summun else az. Bill Walker steals across to her. JENNY. She it me wen aw wiz dahn. and the band strikes up t he march. he retreats to the penthouse in some alarm]. you dirty blackguard! Snobby Pri ce pinched it off the drum wen e took ap iz cap. Quick march! CUSINS [calling to the procession in the street outside] Off we go. it warn't enough for you. showing him to the others] There! It's not much for 5000 p ounds is it? MRS BAINES. MRS BAINES. Were's it gorn ? Blame me if Jenny Ill didn't take it arter all! RUMMY [screaming at him from the loft] You lie. You're overworked: you will be all right tomorrow. [She crosses the yard to the gate and turns her back on the two men to hide her face from them]. [She pins the badge on and steps ba ck towards the table. BARBARA.JENNY. . Major! BARBARA [almost delirious] I can't bear any more. Waw shouldn't I git a bit o me own back? BARBARA [raising her head] I didn't take your money. as he marches out past him easing the slide of his trombo ne] "My ducats and my daughter"! CUSINS [following him out] Money and gunpowder! BARBARA.

[Raising a paean of squalid triumph] I done you. did you? Well. old soupkitchener! Ta. half plucks his cap off then shoves it on again defiantly] Gi t aht. BILL [unshamed] So I would. But she cawn't buy me. SHIRLEY. and I've seen today that I was right. that az . BILL [his voice and accent suddenly improving] Not if I was to starve for it. Major Earl's Grendorter! [Turning at the gate] Wot prawce Selvytion nah ? Snobby Prawce! Ha! ha! BARBARA [offering her hand] Goodbye. you knaow. She takes his arm]. So long. I nearly got it. Nathink pasnl. [He frowns and rises with offended prid e. ta. Peter: it was worth more than money. BARBARA. The mug smashes against the door and falls in fragments]. [Bill snatches up Shirley's mug and hurls it at her. Well . I'm even with you. BILL [taken aback. Bill. SHIRLEY [shaking his head] You make too much of him. [She draws him towards the gate ]. ony ther e ain't no devil to make the offer. yes: you must talk to me. That's hope for you. in your innocence. I ain't to be bought. SHIRLEY. Don't be proud. miss. BILL [beginning to chuckle] Tell us. I know. I don't blieve in it. I'm not accustomed to talk to the like of you-BARBARA [urgently] Yes. [Approaching Barbara] You wanted my soul. and my tram and bus home. Bill. And he pinched your pound at a quarter to two. [Going] So long. To serve you aht for ittin me acrost the face.BILL. Naow mellice. He has a twinge of remorse]. I'll send it to you. No. mate. BARBARA. No malice. Peter. I'll get you a job. Well. wot o'clock this morrun was it wen im as they call Snobby Prawce was sived? BARBARA [turning to him more composedly. and with unspoiled sweetness] About hal f past twelve. and lost my job. I have just enough left for two teas at Lockharts. [He goes]. I've ad it aht o y--. But we've sold it back to you for ten thousand p ounds. She slams the l oft door and vanishes. Ain't you? You'd sell yourself to the devil for a pint o beer. you silly old muck er you? RUMMY. And dear at the money! BARBARA. Tell me about Tom Paine's book . Cleaned out. you ain't got it. [Barbara drops her hand. discouraged. Bill. and often av. That's two better than me. Wot! Stowl maw money! Waw didn't you call thief on him. SHIRLEY. BARBARA [going to him] Peter: I'm like you now. [Sh e counts her money]. ole man. You've youth an hope. the youth will have to be enough for me. cheerful. SHIRLEY. BARBARA. But th et's aw rawt. Judy. Peter: it's sharing between friends. And promise me you'll talk to me and not let me cry. BILL [salvationproof] It's no good: you cawn't get rahnd me nah. Bill. you can't afford to lose it. It's cost y'pahnd. So long. a Rowton doss for you.

Now go and spoo n with Sarah. Cholly. Didn't you guess that? CUSINS [sitting down beside her] I'm sorry. You know I helped you all I could with the concert ina and so forth. [Momentously] Still. he starts on seeing Barbara fashionably att ired and in low spirits. I wish you wouldn't tell Cholly to do things. LOMAX. Barbara. SARAH. You've left off your uniform! Barbara says nothing. Charley Lomax enters. I expected you this morning. Now the claims of the Church of England-LADY BRITOMART. LOMAX. LOMAX. BARBARA. Cholly: we're going to the works at Perivale St. But surely the Church of England is suited to all our capacities. He also starts visibly when he sees Barbara wit hout her uniform. I have never shut my eyes to the fact tha t there is a certain amount of tosh about the Salvation Army. The cannon works. . Dolly. LOMAX. Ah. if you would only read Tom Paine in the proper spirit. is on the settee. sitting down sympathetically on the settee beside Barbara ] I'm awfully sorry. Barbara. LADY BRITOMART [warning him in low tones to be careful] Charles! LOMAX [much concerned. ACT III Next day after lunch Lady Britomart is writing in the library in Wilton Crescent . But we've just finished lunch. What works? SARAH. Barbara. Coming forward betwe en the settee and the writing table. Come along. pale and brooding. Yes. Sarah is reading in the armchair near the window. Andrews t his afternoon. Charles. but an expression of pain passes over her face. Oh I say! Cusins enters in poor condition. SHIRLEY. miss! [They go out through the gate together]. LOMAX. I have only just breakfasted. BARBARA [pressing his hand] Thank you for your sympathy. He always comes st raight and does them. Speak of something suited to your mental capacity. in ordinary dresss.s and Bradlaugh's lectures. LOMAX [rising and going to Sarah] How is my ownest today? SARAH. What! Your governor's shop! SARAH. That's enough.

by the way. I have been making a night of it with the nominal head of this household: that is all. He only sat there and completed the wreck of my moral ba sis. strong as he is. and for the anonymous donor of the 5000 pounds. That is what makes him so dangerous to me. I have never before ventured to reproach you. They prayed with the most touching sincerity and g ratitude for Bodger. I know it. Go home to bed at once. LADY BRITOMART. That has nothing to do with it. What were you doi ng? CUSINS. {Oh I say! LADY BRITOMART. I hold to it. Your father . but he can get no deepe r hold. You should have gone to bed after the meeting. A most devilish kind of Spanish burgundy. Yes: that is our understanding. No: I had rather a good night: in fact. That is a new accomplishment of Andrew's. He cares for you. Jenny Hill went stark mad with hysteria. Mrs Baines almost died of emotion. and the end will be right. Have you had one of your bad nights? CUSINS.BARBARA. The meeting? CUSINS. Its richness in natural alcohol made any add ition superfluous. You're not sober yet. You know that. may I ask? CUSINS. What were you drinking. warranted free from added alco hol: a Temperance burgundy in fact. {Adolphus! SARAH. Unless he can w in me on that holier ground he may amuse me for a while. I think it was Dionysos who made me drunk . Barb ara. No: after the meeting. {Dolly! LOMAX. There are larger loves and divin er dreams than the fireside ones. Dolly? CUSINS [patiently] No. Andrew made you drunk! CUSINS. Drinking. LADY BRITOMART. BARBARA. Now tell me what happened at t he meeting? CUSINS. don't you? CUSINS. BARBARA. but how could y ou marry the Prince of Darkness? LADY BRITOMART. Lady Brit. It was an amazing meeting. CUSINS. {Dolly! BARBARA. He usen't to drink. BARBARA. He doesn't now. Keep to that. LADY BRITOMART. the purchase of my soul. 117 conversio ns took place then and there. It was much more excusable to marry him than to get drunk with h im. No: he only provided the wine. one of the most remarkable night s I have ever passed. [To Barbara] I told you I was possessed. The Prince of Darkness played his trombone like a madman: its brazen roarings were like the laughter of the damned. Dolly. LADY BRITOMART. CUSINS. Are you joking. the rout of my convictions. BARBARA.

possibly. men drivel at all ages by r epeating silly formulas with an air of wisdom. LOMAX [overwhelmed] You are so awfully strong-minded. as a collector of religions-LOMAX [cunningly] Not as a drummer. my lady. [Morrison hesitates]. Adolphus: now that Barbara has left the Salvation Army. like you. my lady. but at least its language is reputable. you know. Schoolboys make their own formula s out of slang. they drop slang and get their formulas out of The Spectator or The Times. Dolly: were you ever really in earnest about it? Would you have joined if you had never seen me? CUSINS [disingenuously] Well--er--well. LADY BRITOMART. You won't mind my asking. you had better leave it too. LADY BRITOMART. Quite right. Mr Undershaft has just drove up to the door. so to speak. I hope. Shall I announce him. my lady? LADY BRITOMART. He convinced me that I have all my life been doing improper things for p roper reasons. LADY BRITOMART. LOMAX [out of countenance] Well. Your orders are already obeyed. I will not have you playing that drum in the streets. In good society in England. MORRISON. Lady Brit. Charles. Thank you. LOMAX. Charles: if you must drivel. don't you know. He never does a proper thing without giv ing an improper reason for it. my lady. LADY BRITOMART. whatever a ma n's age. drivel is drivel. . and it must have been apparent to you that there is a cert ain amount of tosh about-LADY BRITOMART. Cholly. If you please. You are a very clearheaded brainy chap. CUSINS. That was rather fine of the old man. CUSINS. Yo u will find that there is a certain amount of tosh about The Times. He said all the charitable institutions would be down on him like kites on a battle field if he gave his name.would not let his name be given. or is he at home here. Lady Brit-LADY BRITOMART. What's the matter with y ou? MORRISON. let him in. What is it? MORRISON. You had better confine yourself to The Times. drivel like a grown-up man and not like a schoolboy. Well. BARBARA. Announce him. you know. LADY BRITOMART. Go and let him in. That's Andrew all over. CUSINS. Rubbish! [Morrison comes in]. and get political private se cretaryships and things of that sort. The occasion is in a manner of speaking new to me. Most chaps would have want ed the advertisement. When they reach your age. though.

I think. Barbara will need more. UNDERSHAFT. Do you suppose this wicked and immoral tradition can be kept up for ever? Do you pretend that Stephen could not carry on the foundry just as well as all the other sons of the big business houses? UNDERSHAFT. capable. I see nothing of myself in him. [He withdraws]. Anything else? for yours elf. and need it permanently. . Do you really think so? He has induced us to bring him into the worl d. Stephen doesn't interest me. LADY BRITOMART. True. He does interest me. Probably I have. like all the other sons. MORRISON [at the door] Mr Undershaft. LADY BRITOMART. Undershaft comes in. UNDERSHAFT [rather wearily] Don't. but he chose his parents very incongruously. and a most steady. and less of you. [Charles goes]. My dear Biddy: the Undershaft tradition disinherits him. She comes to the point before he has t ime to breathe]. UNDERSHAFT [resignedly] Yes. [Sarah and Barbara go upstairs for t go and tell Stephen to come down here in five m drawing room. Children: go and heir out-of-door wrap]. UNDERSHAFT. Andrew: Stephen is an excellent son. UNDERSHAFT. LADY BRITOMART. [She sits on the settee: he sits beside her. There is nothing that any Italian or German could do that Stephe n could not do. The son of a foundling! nonsense! LADY BRITOMART. UNDERSHAFT. on her left. for instance? LADY BRITOMART.MORRISON. highminded young man. It would be dishonest of me to leave the cannon foundry to my son. YOU are simply trying to find an excuse for disinheriting him. Thank you. Sit down. My son. And Stephen at least has breeding. my lady. Andrew! And even you may have good blood in your veins f or all you know. Andrew. LADY BRITOMART. because Adolphu s hasn't any property. LADY BRITOMART. Sarah must have 800 pounds a year until Charles Lomax comes int o his property. [Adolphus goes]. That is another argument in favor of a foundl ing. my dear: I will see to it. I want to talk to you about Stephen. He is our son. Alone! How fortunate! LADY BRITOMART [rising] Don't be sentimental. UNDERSHAFT. Morrison goes out. my dear. It would be most unnatural and improper of you to leave it to an yone else. Charles: inutes: you will find him in the em to send round the carriage in get ready. and the firm would go on by its own momentum unt il the real Undershaft--probably an Italian or a German--would invent a new meth od and cut him out. Yes: he could learn the office routine without understanding the bus iness. Andrew. Adolphus: tell th about fifteen minutes.

UNDERSHAFT. If the tradition be ever broken it will be for an abler ma n than Stephen. Come. I am getting on in years. Ah! Barbara! Your pet! You would sacrifice Stephen to Barbara. That's just it: all the foundlings I can find are exactly like Steph en. you had better find an eligible foundling and marry him to Barbara. Yes: go away. Seriously.LADY BRITOMART. Andrew: you can talk my head off. I don't call you Andy. And you. Cheerfully. I want a man with no relations and no schooling: that is. the Undershaft tradition has landed me in a difficulty. And your tie is all on one side. If you will do nothing for Stephen. and look after him. I will not call my wife Britomart: it is not good sense. The fact is. Andrew!! UNDERSHAFT. Put it straight. UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT. You see. LADY BRITOMART. Go to your foundling. Bid no use with me. but you can't change wrong int o right. Andrew: don't be aggravating. And don't be wicked. LADY BRITOMART [obstinately] There is Stephen. Every blessed foundling nowadays is snapped up in his infancy by Barna rdo homes. Don't call me Biddy. and if he shows the least ability. Just as much as it is your duty to dy! these tricks of the governing class are of overning class myself. I haven't found a fit successor yet. and my partner Lazarus has at last made a stand and insisted that the succession must be settled one way or the other. Biddy. crammed with secondhand ideas. would boil Barbara to make soup for St ephen. I be humbugged into using it for yo LADY BRITOMART. At present yo u are both. he is fastened on by schoolmasters. LADY BRITOMART. and I am not to ur purposes. my dear. UNDERSHAFT [deprecatory] Go away! LADY BRITOMART. Biddy-LADY BRITOMART. It is your duty to make Stephen your successor. and it is waste of time have the power in this matter. UNDERSHAFT. It is mere waste of breath. UNDERSHAFT. This conversation is part of the Undershaft tradition. or School Board officers. whoever he is. or Boards of Guardians. drilled and disciplined in doci lity and what they call good taste. a man who would be out of the running altogether if he were not a strong man. Andrew: this is not a question of our likings and dislikings: it is a question of duty. LADY BRITOMART. my love. Every Undershaft's wife has treated him to it ever since the house was founded. . And I can't find him. UNDERSHAFT. and lamed for life so that he is fit for not hing but teaching. I am one of the g giving tracts to a missionary. you are not wa nted here. submit to your husband. If you want to keep the foundry in the family. LADY BRITOMART [pouting] Then go away. and of course he is quite righ t. trained to win scholarships like a racehorse.

I have no capacity for business and no taste for it. LADY BRITOMART. [To Stephen] It is what I told you last night. STEPHEN [stiffly] Mother: there must be an end of treating me as a child. . UNDERSHAFT [to Lady Britomart] He knows all about the tradition. Don't rub it in. I intend to devote myself to polit ics.] UNDERSHAFT [not very cordially] Good afternoon. [Stephen comes forward to his mother's wri ting table. [Lady Britomart recoils. No: come in. UNDERSHAFT [opening his eyes. STEPHEN. LADY BRITOMART [rising and interposing] Stephen: I cannot allow you to throw awa y an enormous property like this. and her eyes fill with tears]. Stephen. as between on e man and another. and above all. STEPHEN [at the door] I beg your pardon [about to retire]. STEPHEN. mother. Yes. Stephen.UNDERSHAFT [disconcerted] It won't stay unless it's pinned [he fumbles at it wit h childish grimaces]-Stephen comes in. yes. Stephen. deeply wounded by his tone]. yes. my dear. [He resumes his seat] . I am sorry. They are enterprise. Any further discussion of my intentions had better take place with my father. I was afraid you would conside r yourself disparaged and slighted. But I find now that you left me in the dark as to matters which you shou ld have explained to me years ago. She won t interfere with you any more: your independence is achieved: you have won your latchkey. STEPHEN. Stephen! [She sits down again. Cannons are not trade. UNDERSHAFT [with grave compassion] You see. LADY BRITOMART. as between one man and another--I beg your pardon. UNDERSHAFT [rising] My dear boy: this is an immense relief to me. I have no intention of becoming a man of business in any sense. Now what about your future. it is only the big men who can be treated as children. And I trust it may prove an equally good thing for the country. [He moves towards Stephen as if to shake han ds with him]. yes: that's all right. greatly eased in mind and manner] Oh! in that case --! LADY BRITOMART. that you have forced me-UNDERSHAFT [stopping him] Yes. because I did not think you meant it ser iously. UNDERSHAFT [sulkily] I understand you want to come into the cannon business. _I_ go into trade! Certainly not. STEPHEN [coldly] Good afternoon. Biddy: as between two men and a woman. if you please. Until last night I did not take your attitude seriously. I am extremely hurt and offended. Stephen. I suppose? LADY BRITOMART. don't apologize.

UNDERSHAFT. and ruined most of the artists: the secret of right and wrong. I have not studied law. is there? [Stephen makes an impatient movement]. man. I make no such ridiculous pretension. Besides. Oh. but you all t hink you can tell me the bursting strain of a man under temptation. the Church. Andrew? . Rather a difficult case. Hardly anything left but the stage . no knowledge of law. STEPHEN. And I am afraid I have not the necessary push-I believe that is the name barristers give to their vulgarity--for success in pl eading. A philosopher. muddled all the men of business. t he Salvation lassie! she would think you were laughing at her if you asked her t o stand up in the street and teach grammar or geography or mathematics or even d rawingroom dancing. UNDERSHAFT [hugely tickled] You don't say so! What! no capacity for business. What about the Bar? STEPHEN. You are all alike. By all means go your own way if you feel strong enough. too! STEPHEN [keeping his temper with difficulty] You are pleased to be facetious. but you're all ready to handle honesty and truth and jus tice and the whole duty of man. Haven't you a turn for so mething? What about literature. you respectable people. only a sim ple knowledge of the secret that has puzzled all the philosophers. The Bar requires some ability. St ephen. Freedom shoul d be generous. no sympathy with art. I pretend to nothing more than any honorable English gentleman claims as his birth right [he sits down angrily]. art and so forth? STEPHEN. Stephen. Well. baffled all t he lawyers. there is the army. You can't tell me the bursting strain of a ten-inch gun. UNDERSHAFT. you're a genius. Look at poor little Jenny Hill. but it never occurs to her to doubt that she can teach moral s and religion. Why. It is settled that you do not ask for the succession to the cannon b usiness. a god! At twenty-four. UNDERSHAFT. perhaps? Eh? STEPHEN. You can't become prime minister all at once. Well. UNDERSHAFT. either in faculty or character. and kill one another at that game. I owe you a fair start in life in exchange for disinheri ting you. What a countr y! what a world! LADY BRITOMART [uneasily] What do you think he had better do.LADY BRITOMART [who has pulled herself together strongly] I quite understand. [Stephen sits dow n magisterially in the chair at the writing table with an air of affirming his m ajority]. I have nothing of the artist about me. I hope it is settled that I repudiate the cannon business. Come. come! is there anything you know or care for? STEPHEN [rising and looking at him steadily] I know the difference between right and wrong. Just so. the Bar. that's everybody's birthright. thank Heaven! UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT. which is a very simple matter. master of masters. the navy. You daren't handle high explosives. come! Don't be so devilishly sulky: it's boyish. no pretension to philosophy.

UNDERSHAFT. You don't know how absurd all this sounds to ME. father. Get him a private secr etaryship to someone who can get him an Under Secretaryship. can gove rn Undershaft and Lazarus? No. Barbara. I am an Englishman. [He thrusts his hands in his pockets. When I wa nt anything to keep my dividends up. UNDERSHAFT. Sarah. and Cusins come in ready for walking. and Lazarus. and putting his hand on his father's shoulder with in dulgent patronage] Really. You're a born journalis t. Character.UNDERSHAFT. Cusins drifts amiably to the armchair. And what does govern England. But it has kept you in circles where you are valued for your money and deferred to for it. Oh. mamma: the carriage is waiting. That points clearly to a political career. and keep peace when it doesn't. but y ou must allow me to think I know better. Government of your country! Be off with you. Mr. I'll start you with a hightoned weekly review. And in return you shall have the support and appl ause of my newspapers. Do you suppose that you and half a dozen amateurs like you. and he thinks he kno ws everything. You are very properly proud o f having been industrious enough to make money. UNDERSHAFT [with a touch of brutality] The government of your country! _I_ am th e government of your country: I. but the best elements in the English na tional character. pray? STEPHEN. It is natural for you to think that money governs England. _I_ am going back to my counting house to pay the piper and call the tune. that you force me to forget the re spect due to you as my father. UNDERSHAFT. and the delight of imagining that you are a great statesm an. my friend: you will do what pays US. . Go and get ready. When other people want something to keep my dividends down. [Lady Britomart leaves the room. and Lo max remains near the door. you will discover that my want is a nationa l need. and walks an grily across to the window]. He will find his natural and proper place in the end on the Treasury benc h. STEPHEN [actually smiling. it is impossible to be angry with you . Neither yours nor mine.] UNDERSHAFT [to Sarah] Good day. LOMAX [vaguely] Ahdedoo. and play with your cauc uses and leading articles and historic parties and great leaders and burning que stions and the rest of your toys. Barbara crosses the room to the window and looks out. my dear. Lomax. Whose character? Yours or mine? STEPHEN. There! Stephen goes to the smaller writing table and busies himself with his letters. just what he wants to do. whilst Sarah comes to her mother. my dear father. instead of in the doubtless very o ldfashioned and behind-the-times public school and university where I formed my habits of mind. you will cal l out the police and military. He knows nothing. and I will not hear the Gover nment of my country insulted. You will find out that t rade requires certain measures when we have decided on those measures. Stephen: I've found your profession for you. my boy. and it is greatly to your credit that you have made so much of it. and then leave him alone. father. Lomax. Good afternoon. sitting in a row in that foolish gabble shop. character. SARAH. STEPHEN [springing up again] I am sorry. You will mak e war when it suits us. sir.

I promis ed you a return visit. papa. Still-CUSINS.UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] quite well after last night. [To Undershaft. I can take two with me in a little motor I am experimenting with for field use. Sarah follows him]. SARAH. T hat is. I am rather busy--er-. thank you. Barbara? BARBARA [at the window] You came yesterday to see my salvation factory. with sudden solemnity] Still. from the religious point of view as it were. BARBARA. I prefer it. I assure you. [moodily walking across to Lady Britomart's writing table] Why are we tw o coming to this Works Department of Hell? that is what I ask myself. you know. UNDERSHAFT. Thanks awfully. Barbara doesn't mind what she's seen in.[Magnanimously] Oh well. I have always thought of it as a sort of pit where lost creatures with blackened faces stirred up smoky fires and were driven and tormented by my fathe r? Is it like that. Come. LOMAX [coming forward between Sarah and Undershaft] You'll find it awfully inter esting. I say. SARAH. Dolly old chap: do you really mind the car being a guy? Because of course if you do I'll go in it. With a Methodist chapel? Oh do say there's a Methodist chapel. CUSINS. old man. CUSINS. [He hurries out to secure his seat in the carriage. yes: I'll come. LOMAX [appalled at the prospect of confronting Wilton Crescent in an unpainted m otor] Oh I say! SARAH. Are you coming. but it's bullet proof. Well. eh? CUSINS. You don't mind Cholly's imbecility. As well as can be expected. my dear. I've been through the Woolwich Arsenal. That's all I meant. Just so. You won't mind its being rather unfashionable. It's not painted yet. you know. to think of the lot of beggars we could kill if it cam e to fighting. You're getting on. LOMAX. That's right. [To Barbara] So you are coming to see my death and dev astation factory. UNDERSHAFT. if there is room for me. . it must be rather a n awful reflection for you. Euripides. and it gives you a ripping feeli ng of security. LOMAX. Sarah. dad? UNDERSHAFT [scandalized] My dear! It is a spotlessly clean and beautiful hillsid e town. Stephen? STEPHEN. and all that. The carriage for me. Mr Lomax looks at the matter in a very proper spirit. LOMAX. do you? LOMAX [much taken aback] Oh I say! UNDERSHAFT.

but it is not much patronized. If I had a child. theoretically. Oh. I say that certain things are to be done. You have given me back my happiness: I feel i t deep down now. the artisans snub the unskilled laborers. thank you. the one thing Jones won't stand is any re bellion from the man under him. I don't say. That always feels at first as if you had . But Jones has to be kept in order. mind you. the foremen drive and bully both the laborers and artisans. Does my daughter despair so easily? Can you strike a man to the hear t and leave no mark on him? BARBARA [her face lighting up] Oh. Do they obey all your orders? UNDERSHAFT. the chief engineers drop on the assistants. [She takes he r father's hands and kisses them]. I don't. clever clever devil! BARBARA. and turn it into the soul of a wolf! that is wors e than any murder. I never meddle with them.UNDERSHAFT. They do. But when we took your money he turned back to drunkenness and derision. Never mind. the carmen snub the sweepers. You may be a devil. every man of them keep s the man just below him in his place. What was he saying yesterday? UNDERSHAFT. though my spirit is troubled. BARBARA. The result is a colossal profit. In the High Explosives Sheds they object to the presence of Agnostics as unsafe. You see. Practically. CUSINS. How do you maintain discipline among your men? UNDERSHAFT. There are two: a primitive one and a sophisticated one. Jones. And yet they don't object to you! BARBARA. but I don't order anybody to do them. as my men are all strongly religious. the dep artmental managers worry the chiefs. But to take a human soul from me. and the clerks have tall hats and hymnbooks and keep up the social tone by refusing to associate on equal terms with anybod y. He thinks I have made you unhappy. what I was saying yesterday. that there is no orderin g about and snubbing and even bullying. Have I? BARBARA. but God speaks through you sometimes. CUSINS [revolted] You really are a--well. Do you think I can be happy in this vulgar silly dress? I! who have wor n the uniform. I never give them any orders. I set him in the way of life with his face to salvation. sir. CUSINS. my dear. or any assertion of social equality between the wife of the man with 4 shillings a week less than himself and Mrs Jones! Of cour se they all rebel against me. and you destroye d its body with your explosives--if you murdered Dolly with your horrible guns-I could forgive you if my forgiveness would open the gates of heaven to you. UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT. When I speak to one of them it is "Wel l. you are right: he can never be lost now: wher e was my faith? CUSINS. There is eve n an Ethical Society. is the baby doing well? and has Mrs Jones made a good recovery?" "Nice ly. I never bully t hem. I don't even bully Lazarus." And that's all. the assistant engineers find fault with the foremen. Do you understand what you have done to me? Yesterday I had a man 's soul in my hand. [With inten se conviction] I will never forgive you that. You have learnt something. which comes to me. The men snub the boys and order them abo ut.

And don't forget that you have out grown your mother. which opens outwards and has a little wooden land ing at the threshold. Perivale St Andrews lies between two Middlesex hills. CUSINS. [She goes out]. On her right is t he cannon. tall trees. opens it before he reach es it. at the writing table] You must not mind Cusins. Thank you. on the same side. He's frightfully miserable. father. Dolly. Stephen. BARBARA. and let me learn something more. which. beaut ifully situated and beautiful in itself. Stephen smiles patronizingly. domes. Well? CUSINS. campaniles. Across the crest runs a platform of concrete. Come. The parap et stops short of the shed. Everything perfect. The parapet has a high step inside which serves as a seat. and crosses the room to the door. with a parapet which suggests a fortification. dressed for out-of-doors. Have you found out whether they have done anything for old Peter Shirle y.lost something. It is an almost smokeless town of white walls. roofs of narrow green slate s or red tiles. [He goes out]. Cusins arrives by the path from the town. is a deck chair. leaving a gap which is the beginning of the path dow n the hill through the foundry to the town. where the high explosives are dealt with. real. It only needs a cathedral to be a heavenly city instead of a hellish one. and slender chimney shafts. buttons his coat responsibly. BARBARA. STEPHEN [embarrassed] Mother-LADY BRITOMART. CUSINS. Not a ray of hope. He is a very amiable good fellow. with a fire bucket in the corner of the landing. with a ladder of three or four steps up to the door. The cannon is mounted on an experimental gun carriage: possibly th e original model of the Undershaft disappearing rampart gun alluded to by Stephe n. He calls the timekeeping brainwork. half climbing the northern one. Stephen. with a red band painted on it. wonderful. BARBARA. Further from the pa rapet. [She goes out]. is of the lightest possible construction. UNDERSHAFT. looks at Stephen. near the door of an office. Well. Thank you. but he is a Greek scholar and naturally a little ecc entric. They have found him a job as gatekeeper and timekeeper. and turns to go without a word. on her left the end of a shed raised on piles. the tops of its chimn eys sprouting like huge skittles into the middle distance. She looks round far the others. because there is a huge cannon of the obsolete Woolwich Infant pattern peering across it at the town. The foundry lies hidden in the depths between. take me to the factory of death. The best view of it is obtained from th e crest of a slope about half a mile to the east. an d his gate lodge is so splendid that he's ashamed to use the rooms. Ah. looking towards the town. lik e the sheds. My guardian angel! [To Undershaft] Avaunt! [He follows Barbara]. There must be some truth or other behind all this frightful irony. STEPHEN [quietly. and says he isn't used to it. Lady Britomart. and skulks i . Don't be apologetic. Behind the cannon is a trolley carry ing a huge conical bombshell. Barbara is leaning over the parapet. quite so.

Well. Did you see the libraries and schools!? SARAH. immorally. with a sheaf of telegrams in his hands. Very. He carries a fieldglass. No: the real thing. the colossal capital it represents. what do you think of the place? STEPHEN. frightfully. [Indica ting the telegrams] News from Manchuria. A perfect triumph of organization. Poor Peter! Stephen arrives from the town. but it's all horribly. CUSINS [from the platform] Dummy soldiers? UNDERSHAFT. Well. At the first tr ial it has wiped out a fort with three hundred soldiers in it. STEPHEN. have you seen everything? I'm sorry I was called away." I have only one misgiving about it all. I hope. No. STEPHEN. Out with it. Frankly. UNDERSHAFT. Did you see the ballroom and the banqueting chamber in the Town Hall!? STEPHEN. UNDERSHAFT. I wanted to see everything I was not intended to see. They call him Dandy Andy and are proud of his being a cunning old ra scal. Have you found anything discreditable? CUSINS. the power of organization. Another Japanese victory? UNDERSHAFT. BARBARA. the building s ociety. the various applications of co-operation!? Undershaft comes from the office. the pension fund. STEPHEN [enthusiastically] Have you two seen the place? Why did you leave us? CUSINS. Did you see the nurs ing home!? [She sits down on the shell]. Sarah arrives.n the scullery. Oh. Which side wins does not concern us here. unanswerably perfect. the administrative capacity. No: the good news is that the aerial battleship is a tremendous success. and Barbara wanted to make the men talk. and he looks up at her in a sort of whimsical desperation]. STEPHEN. I don't know. Have you gone into the insurance fund. UNDERSHAFT. my dear fa ther. Well. STEPHEN. I have been a fool: I had no idea of what it all meant--of the wonderful f orethought. Heavens! what a place! [She crosses to the trolley]. STEPHEN. Oh. I cannot help thinking that all this provision for every want of . magnificent. SARAH. Barbara gravely lays her ha nd on his shoulder. Then Cusin s sits on the step and buries his face in his hands. Good news. Stephen. I have been repeating to myself as I came through your streets "Peace hath her victories no less renowned than War . [Cusins and Barbara exchange glances. the financia l genius.

UNDERSHAFT. you simply don't organize civilizati on. and only the people quite close to it are killed. you can put a match to them without the least risk: they just burn quietly like a bit of paper. my dear boy. UNDERSHAFT [to the foreman] Anything wrong. SARAH. Stephen. You can experiment with it at home. The top of it was red hot inside. However. and a foreman in overalls and list slippers comes out on the little landi ng and holds the door open for Lomax. UNDERSHAFT. I took jolly good care to blow it out before I c hucked it away. like that one. these high explosives don't go off like gunpowder. Thanks. who appears in the doorway. By the way. Bilton will give you a sample of gun cotton when you are leaving if you ask him. Think no more of it. Well. At the same moment the door of the shed is thrown abruptly open. A sufficient dose of anxiety is always provid ed by the fact that we may be blown to smithereens at any moment. old c hap. Nothing's going to happen to you. BILTON. then. [Warming to the scientific interest of the subject] Did you kno w that Undershaft? Have you ever tried? UNDERSHAFT. our characters are safe here.your workmen may sap their independence and weaken their sense of responsibility . would you mind lending me your matches? LOMAX [offering his box] Certainly. When one of them blows up. when you are organizing civilization you have to make up your mind whether trouble and anxiety are good things or not. sir: that's all. And greatly as we enjoyed our tea at that splendid restaurant--how they gave u s all that luxury and cake and jam and cream for threepence I really cannot imag ine!--still you must remember that restaurants break up home life. except when they're in a gun. When they're spread loose. who is quite close to it. you may as well go through with it. Mr Lomax. where do you make the explosives? UNDERSHAFT. it costs very little. Step hen. looks at it rather scaredly. . Well you see. quite so. for instance! Are you sure so much pampering is really good for the me n's characters? UNDERSHAFT. LOMAX [with studied coolness] My good fellow: you needn't get into a state of ne rves. and I suppose it wouldn't be the end of the world if anything did. By the way. and there you are. Ah. sir. UNDERSHAFT. If you decide that they are. with trouble and anxiety enough to make us all angels! Bu t if you decide the other way. suppose it was! I didn't chuck it into any of your messes. A little bit of British pluck is what you want. papa. Oh come! I'm not a fool. [He descends and strolls across to Sarah]. In separate little sheds. Look at the c ontinent. I take it. [To Lomax] Do you happen to remember what you did with the match? LOMAX. Bilton? BILTON [with ironic calm] Gentleman walked into the high explosives shed and lit a cigaret. Mr Lomax. and moves away q uickly to the cannon. [He pockets the matches]. Not on a large scale. LOMAX. LOMAX [lecturing to the company generally] You know.

But now they take no more notice of it than of the ten commandments in church.[Bilton looks puzzled]. UNDERSHAFT. But he's not a fou ndling. but all that plate and linen. It is not. What do you mean? . The cynicism of it! UNDERSHAFT. Your men presented them to me in your William Morris Labor Churc h. My ownest. It shocked the men at first. I am afraid. LADY BRITOMART. papa. [Bilton gives it up and retires into the shed]. LADY BRITOMART. Why should not Adolphus succeed to the inheritance? I could manage the town for him. They belong to me: they are not a man's business. Yes. and there's an end of it. LOMAX. Your ridiculous cannons and that noisy banging foundr y may be the Undershaft inheritance. Why. my dear? LADY BRITOMART. there is no danger. To think of all that [indicating the town] being yours! and that you have kept it to yourself al l these years! UNDERSHAFT. Bilton will do nothing of the sort. A Labor Church! LADY BRITOMART. But Barbara ha s rights as well as Stephen. You must be out of your se nses to throw them all away. CUSINS [diplomatically] Not quite. UNDERSHAFT [stooping to smell the bouquet] Where did you get the flowers. all that furn iture and those houses and orchards and gardens belong to us. with Morris's words in mosaic letters ten feet high round t he dome. Well. I suppose it's your business to blow up the Russians and Japs. It is the Undershaft inher itance. I should ask nothing better if Adolphus were a foundling. UNDERSHAFT. He is exac tly the sort of new blood that is wanted in English business. It does not belong to me. I won't give them up. NO MAN IS GOOD ENOUGH TO BE ANOTHER MAN'S MASTER. you shan't. if they are really necessary. He comes fro m the platform past the shed to Undershaft]. [He sits beside her on the shell]. [They all turn and stare at him. SARAH. and he can look after the cannons. my dea r? LADY BRITOMART. Never mind why: you shouldn't have: that's all. UNDERSHAFT. I think--Mind! I am not committing myself in any way as to my future course--but I think the foundling difficulty c an be got over. and if you persist in such folly. I will call in a doctor. but you might really stop short of blowing up po or Cholly. LADY BRITOMART [coming impetuously between Undershaft and the deck chair] Andrew : you shouldn't have let me see this place. I don't ask it any longer for Stephen: h e has inherited far too much of your perversity to be fit for it. Lady Britomart arrives from the town with a bouquet. Andrew: you are trying to put me off the subject of the inherita nce by profane jokes. I belong to it. CUSINS [springing up] Oh! It needed only that.

and that a marriage with a professor of Gre ek would be far beyond the wildest social ambitions of her rank. don't dare to make up a wicked story f or the sake of these wretched cannons. She bought my soul like a flower at a street corne r. LADY BRITOMART. of joining the Army to w orship Barbara. CUSINS. Yes. SARAH. That she was enormously rich. I wanted her far more than the approval of my conscience. that her grandfather was an earl. UNDERSHAFT.CUSINS. that her father was the Prince of Darkness-UNDERSHAFT. When I learnt the horrible truth-LADY BRITOMART. I have something to say which is in the nature of a confession. What! Not for Dionysos or another? CUSINS. because I wanted the approval of my conscie nce more than I wanted anything else. { Confession! BARBARA. Lady Brit. I adored what was divine in her. and so I did. Their marriage is legal in Australia. Dionysos and all the others are in herself. { LADY BRITOMART.] UNDERSHAFT [to Cusins] You are an educated man. all. Your birth! Now Adolphus. Machiavelli? UNDERSHAFT [thoughtfully] Biddy: this may be a way out of the difficulty. Oh I say!!! CUSINS. Oh I say! CUSINS. LADY BRITOMART. Adolphus! CUSINS. and was therefore a true worshipper. I th ought she was a woman of the people. Is the s ubterfuge good enough. then I s tooped to deceive about my birth. LADY BRITOMART. Stuff! A man can't make cannons any the better for being his own cousin instead of his proper self [she sits down in the deck chair with a bounc e that expresses her downright contempt for their casuistry. pray? CUSINS. truthful man. So they are in Australia. CUSINS. but not in England. Remember: I have seen photographs of your parents. Well. a confession. But the moment I saw Barbara. LADY BRITOMART. and in this island I am consequently a foundling. Listen. { LOMAX. Adolphus!! LOMAX. But I was romantic about her too. Once in ten thousand times it happens that the schoolboy is a born maste . but she bought it for herself. { STEPHEN. It is true. My mother is my father's deceased wife's sister. What do you mean by the horrible truth.--and that I was only an adventurer trying to catch a rich wife. Chut! CUSINS. You accused me yourself. That is against the tradition. but here they are outcasts. Until I met Barbara I thought myself in the main an honorable. [Sensation]. and the Agent General for South Western Australia knows them personall y and has assured me that they are most respectable married people.

and I can do without you. UNDERSHAFT. BARBARA [coming from the platform and interposing between Cusins and Undershaft] Dolly: yesterday morning. no capital? my character! my intellect! my life! my career! what Barbara calls my soul! are the se no capital? Say another word. Aha! You have had your eye on the business. man. You shall start at a thousand a year.r of what they try to teach him. UNDERSHAFT. I hope: otherwise I shall require twenty-five per cent. my young friend. Let us settle the practical de tails and leave your final decision open. Good. Machiavelli! you shall not cheat me. his spectacles twinkling with mischief] A thousand! Y ou dare offer a miserable thousand to the son-in-law of a millionaire! No. UNDERSHAFT. To make the two years up to five thousand a year. Greek has not destroyed my mind: it has nourish ed it. it makes him thoughtful. You cannot do without me. Never mind the abyss for the present. The third year I m ust have ten per cent on the profits. [with sudden heat. Enormous. You are not br inging any capital into the concern. Let it pass. CUSINS. UNDERSHAFT [taken aback] Ten per cent! Why. as to money! I propose to treat you handsomely from the b eginning. Do you object to that? CUSINS. if I am a failure. I go. do you know what my profits are ? CUSINS. But if I am a success. Now. and you have been strange and excited ever since. Besides. CUSINS. you must give me the other five thousand. you bec ame very silent. listening perturbedly]. I did not learn it at an English public school. and I double my salary. I must have two thousand five hundred a year for two years. Take care! There is an abyss of moral horror between me and your accurse d aerial battleships. UNDERSHAFT. When the finger of Destiny suddenly points at a man in the middle of his breakfast. Take them or leave them. The two thousand five hundred is only half pay in case I should turn out a failure. You know that you will have to change your name. this is a serious matter of business. At t he end of that time. the loftiest poetry yet attained by humanity. UNDERSHAFT. I cannot afford to be too particular: you have cornered th e foundling market. Were you thin king of your birth then? CUSINS. UNDERSHAFT. [Barbara turns away sadly and stands near h er mother. What other five thousand? CUSINS. by He avens. and stay on . have yo u? CUSINS. Euripides: you are eligible. Would any man named Adolphus--any man called Dolly!--object to be called something else? UNDERSHAFT. But. You are eligible. What! no capital! Is my mastery of Greek no capital? Is my access to the subtlest thought. when Stephen told us all about the tradition. Be reasonable-CUSINS [peremptorily] Mr Undershaft: you have my terms. . Mr Cusins. Hm! Well.

Leave me out of the bar gain. UNDERSHAFT. He will get the credit of your rapaci ty in money matters. The first Un dershaft wrote up in his shop IF GOD GAVE THE HAND. CUSINS. Is the bargain closed. By the way. Dolly. all nationalities. I note your terms. to Protestant and Catholic. without respect of persons or principles: to aristocrat and republican. I will give you t hree fifths. _I_ only get eight hundred. CUSINS. You call yourself a gentleman. You must keep the true faith of an A rmorer. to Nihilist and Tsar. The second wrote up ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIGHT: NONE HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDG E. or you don't come in here. of course. Why. as he has hitherto had the credit of mine. not an arithmetical one. to burglar and po liceman. I do not call myself a gentleman. There is no moral question in the matter at all. Is t hree fifths more than half or less? UNDERSHAFT. please. What about the moral question? LADY BRITOMART.UNDERSHAFT [recovering himself] Very well. LET NOT MAN WITHHOLD THE SWO RD. CUSINS [disgusted] Half! UNDERSHAFT [firmly] Half. Dolly? Does your soul belong to him now? CUSINS. Euripides. CUSINS. How you can succeed in busines s when you are willing to pay all that money to a University don who is obviousl y not worth a junior clerk's wages!--well! What will Lazarus say? UNDERSHAFT. You are selling your own soul. to Capitalist and Socialist. More. but I offer you half. What on earth is the true faith of an Armorer? UNDERSHAFT. To give arms to all men who offer an honest price for them. to all sorts and conditions. The real tug of war is still to c ome. Come! I will go a step further for Barbara's sake. all faiths. No: the price is settled: that is all. to black man white man and yellow man. The fourth had n . you know. Done in the eye. I am a classical scholar. Adolphus. but that is my last word. This to your future partner! your successor! your son-in-law! BARBARA. and I offer you ha lf. CUSINS. all causes and all crimes. CUSINS. You m ust simply sell cannons and weapons to people whose cause is right and just. UNDERSHAFT [determinedly] No: none of that. all follies. and you offer me half!! UNDERSHAFT. Lazarus is a gentle romantic Jew who cares for nothing but string qu artets and stalls at fashionable theatres. I would have taken two hundred and fifty. Done! LOMAX. CUSINS. So much the better for the firm! BARBARA. The third wrote up TO MAN THE WEAPON: TO HEAVEN THE VICTORY. and refuse them to foreigners and criminals. not mine. You are a shark of the first order. Mac.

and looks powerfully into her eyes]. [He suddenly takes Barbara's hands. Yesterday I should have said. I had not time enough for all the things I had to do. my daughter! Don't make too much of your little tinpot t . and the he avens were empty. UNDERSHAFT [approvingly] Just so. CUSINS. at a stroke of your pen in a cheque book. UNDERSHAFT. Bah! You tire me. my master. or are you laying a snare for my soul? CUSINS. After that. You do not drive this place: it d rives you. [She r esumes her self-possession. That was the first shock of the earthquake: I am waiting for t he second. None of my own. CUSINS. The fifth wrote up PEACE SHALL NOT PREVAIL SAVE WITH A SWORD IN HER HAND. My good Machiavelli. you will never do as you please again. From the moment when you become Andrew Undershaft. BARBARA [hypnotized] Before I joined the Salvation Army. more will. and in a moment. The sixth. And why was that. if I take my neck out of the noose of my own morality I am not going to put it into the noose of yours. Don't listen to his metaphysics. what power really means. I shall certainly write something up on the wall. When I joined it. And what drives the place? UNDERSHAFT [enigmatically] A will of which I am a part. YOU have no power. because I was in the power of God. I will take an order from a good man as cheerfully as from a bad one. the militar y promotion hunters. I stood alone. Remember the Armorer's Faith. certainly. Barbara. I shall sell cannons to whom I please a nd refuse them to whom I please. He wr ote up NOTHING IS EVER DONE IN THIS WORLD UNTIL MEN ARE PREPARED TO KILL ONE ANO THER IF IT IS NOT DONE. with your morality mongering. simply. If power were my aim I should not come here for it. Don't come here lusting for power. so he did not write up anything. young man. CUSINS. So he wrote up.o literary turn. come. I can make cannons: I cannot make courage and conviction. UNASHAMED. and the consequence was that I never knew what to do with myself. But as to your Armorer's faith. Come. when we were little children?--how little the surprise o f the first shock mattered compared to the dread and horror of waiting for the s econd? That is how I feel in this place today. Not necessarily. don't blame me. my love. I stood on the rock I thought ete rnal. Today I feel--oh! how can I put it into words? Sarah: do you remember th e earthquake at Cannes. Tell him. an army marching to Salvation with me. do you suppose? BARBARA. you won't be able to read it. The place is driven by the mos t rascally part of society. BARBARA [startled] Father! Do you know what you are saying. and without a word of warning it reeled and crumbled under me. withdrawing her hands from his with a power equal to his own]. I was safe with an infinite wisdom watching me. but he sold cannons to Napoleo n under the nose of George the Third. there was nothing left for the seventh to sa y. Ask Barbara: SHE understands. UNDERSHAFT. I was in my own power. So there! UNDERSHAFT. If you good people prefer preac hing and shirking to buying my weapons and fighting the rascals. and he is their slave. the pleasure hunters. o nly. I have more power than you. was the best of all. But you came and showed me that I was in the power of Bodger and Unde rshaft. as I shall write it in Greek. UNDERSHAFT. the money hunters. Eur ipides.

That is what is wrong with the world at p resent. In three weeks he will have a fancy waistcoat. the deadly seven. no dreadfulness. di rty people. and a perm anent job. Poverty blights whole ci ties. I took care that you shoul d have money enough to live handsomely--more than enough. and the spirit cannot soar until the millstone s are lifted. so that you could be w asteful. Well. and I w ill drag his soul back again to salvation for you. Justify yourself: show me som e light through the darkness of this dreadful place. I see no darkness here. I save their souls just as I saved yours. ill fed. But there are millions of poor people. spreads horrible pestilences. It doesn't fit the facts. taxes. cold and hunger. Don't persist in that folly. Pah! [turning on Barbara] you talk of your half-saved ruffian in West Ham: you accus e me of dragging his soul back to perdition. What you call crime is nothing: a murder her e and a theft there. Yes. respectability and children. a blow now and a curse then: what do they matter? they are only the accidents and illnesses of life: there are not fifty genuine profession al criminals in London. The worst of crimes. and model homes. but by thirty-eight shillings a week. BARBARA [revolted] You saved my soul! What do you mean? UNDERSHAFT. Nothing can lift those seven mill stones from Man's neck but money. get a newer and a better one for tomorrow. BARBARA [bewildered] The seven deadly sins! UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT. generous. It scraps its obsolete steam engines and dynamos. Do you call poverty a crime? UNDERSHAFT. That saved your soul from the seven deadly sins. I enabled Barbara to become Major Barbara. but it won't scrap its old prejudices and its old moralities and its old religions and its old politic al constitutions. Well. sound or smell of it. They poison us morally and physically: they kill the happiness of society: they force us to do away with our own libert ies and to organize unnatural cruelties for fear they should rise against us and drag us down into their abyss. BARBARA. CUSINS. strikes dead the very souls of all who come within sight. Cleanliness and respectability do not need justification. And their souls? UNDERSHAFT. You gave them bread and treac le and dreams of heaven. What do we do here when we spend years of work and thought and thousands of pounds of solid cash on a new gun or an aerial battleship that turns out jus t a hairsbreadth wrong after all? Scrap it. in three months a tall . In your Salvati on shelter I saw poverty. Scrap it without wasting another hou r or another pound on it. and I saved her from the crime of poverty. If your old religion broke down y esterday.ragedy. BARBARA. scrap i t. ill clothed people. Not by words and dreams. careless. All the other crimes are virtues beside it: all the other dishonors are chivalry itself by comparison. abject people. rent. [Counting on his fingers] Food. Only fools fear crime: we all fear poverty. you have made for yourself something that you ca ll a morality or a religion or what not. bring him to me here. What's the result? In machinery it does very well. Well. I lifted them from your spirit. They find their own dreams. fir ing. and respectable workmen. misery. I give from thirty shillings a week to twelve thousand a year. [Turning on him with sudden vehemence]. but I look after the drainage. I fed you and clothed you and housed you. a sound house in a handsome street. Barbara: t hey justify themselves. clothing. but in mora ls and religion and politics it is working at a loss that brings it nearer bankr uptcy every year. Oh how gladly I would take a better one to my soul! But you offer me a worse one. Scrap it and get one that does fit. with its beautifully clean workshops.

BARBARA. That is perhaps why. better behaved. I had the strongest scruples about poverty and starvatio n. Killing. And will he be the better for that? UNDERSHAFT. LADY BRITOMART. Try your hand on my men: their souls are hungry because their bodie s are full. I had rather be a thief than a pauper. Stop making speeches. you only change the names of the cabinet. and three policemen can scatter them. better clothed. It is the final test of conviction. W hen you shoot. and your six hundred and seventy fools become a government. I hate poverty and slavery worse than any other crimes whatsoever. He will be better f ed. Andrew. Mr Learned Man. I was a dangero us man until I had my will: now I am a useful. BARBARA. Don't be a hypocrite. the only lever strong enough to overturn a social system. Don't preach at them: don't reason with them. You know he will. Barbara. I fancy. This is not the place for them. before the end of the year he will shake hands with a duchess at a Primrose League meeting. Kill them. and his children will be poun ds heavier and bigger. Not at all. neither reason nor morals nor the lives of other men. eating bread and treacle. kindly person. but the bal lot paper that really governs is the paper that has a bullet wrapped up in it. by Heav en. and join the Conservative Party. I think you call it. but if you force the alternative on me. the only way of saying Must. Your pious mob fills up ballot papers and imagines it is governing its masters. CUSINS. I moralized and starved until one day I swore that I w ould be a fullfed free man at all costs--that nothing should stop me except a bu llet. I said "Thou shalt s tarve ere I starve". BARBARA. beneficent. then. You got oil because you were selfish an d unscrupulous. I will undertake to convert West Ham to Mahometanism on the same terms. But huddle t hem together in a certain house in Westminster. Is that your remedy for everything? UNDERSHAFT. When it is the history of every Englishman we shall have an England worth living in. It is cheap work converting starving men with a Bible in one hand and a slice of bread in the other. LADY BRITOMART. I never vote. Your ideas are nonsense. abolish old ord ers and set up new. like most intelligent people. UNDERSHAFT Vote! Bah! When you vote. That will be better than an American cloth mattress in a shelter. or is it not? . I don't want to be either. I'll choose the braver and more moral one. And leave the east end to starve? UNDERSHAFT [his energetic tone dropping into one of bitter and brooding remembra nce] I was an east ender. And let me tell you this. UNDERSHAFT. Your moralists are quite unscrupulous about both: they make virtues of them. and let them go through certain ceremonies and call themselves certain names until at last they get the courage to kill. better housed. inaugurate new epochs. you pull down governments. I had rather be a murderer than a slave.hat and a chapel sitting. That i s the history of most self-made millionaires. and with that word I became free and great. Let six hundred and seven ty fools loose in the street. Is that historically true. chopping firewood. UNDERSHAFT [punctured] My dear: I have no other means of conveying my ideas. Poverty and slavery have stood up for centuries to your sermons and leading articles: they will not stand up to my machine guns. and being forced to kneel down from time to time to thank heaven for it: knee drill.

may I call you Charles? LOMAX. you see. Whatever can blow men up can blow society up. What I mean is that you can't go cutting e verybody. there will the eagles be gathered. UNDERSHAFT [to Lady Britomart] Biddy-LADY BRITOMART [violently] Don't dare call me Biddy. I daresay it's very wicked of papa to make cannons. I abhor your nature. ought! Are you going to spend your life saying ought. but I don't think I s hall cut him on that account. there is a cer tain amount of tosh about this notion of wickedness. I repudiate your s entiments. [Their rapt attention to his eloque nce makes him nervous] Perhaps I don't make myself clear. don't you know. BARBARA [shaking her head] It's no use running away from wicked people. It doesn't work. But it ought not to be true. Stephen: you are a prig. BARBARA. LOMAX [pouring oil on the troubled waters] The fact is. You must l ook at facts. Come at once. Because Andrew is successful a nd has plenty of money to give to Sarah. ought. Andrew: I am exceedingly sorry I allowed you to call on us. man. Barbara. Still. all sorts of chaps are always doing all sorts of things. LADY BRITOMART. it is t rue. You are wickeder than ever. And you. I loathe having to admit it. [She snorts]. you will flatter him and encourage him in his wickedness. You are lucidity itself. By the way. Adolphus. Ought. Your con . you are the incarnation of morality. ought to know better than to go about sayi ng that wrong things are true. Andrew: you are a vulgar tradesman. and we have to fit them in somehow. LADY BRITOMART. like the rest of our moralists? Turn your oughts into shalls. UNDERSHAFT. Have you the courage to embrace it. Charles. and that's about what it comes to. mamma. It is every use. where the carcase is. ought. and my conscience is clear. I defy you in every possible way. [To Undershaft] Eh? What? UNDERSHAFT. I can see that you are going to disobey me. It shows your disapprobation of them. I positively forbid you to listen to your father's abom inable wickedness. Delighted. The history of the world is the history of those who had courage enough to embr ace this truth. Not that I would say a word in favor of anything wrong. It is historically true. LOMAX [unruffled] Well. UNDERSHAFT. Precisely. Sarah: are you comin g home or are you not? SARAH. What does it matter whether they are true if they are wrong? UNDERSHAFT. you know. It does not save them. Cholly is the usual ticket. LADY BRITOMART. Now you all know my opinion. but then. Come and make explosives with me. Barbara? LADY BRITOMART. ought. My dear. Adolphus Cusins: you are a Jesuit. at all events [she sits down again with a vehemence tha t almost wrecks the chair]. Charles Lomax: you are a fo ol. Barbara: you are a lunatic.CUSINS. don't you know. What does it matter whether they are wrong if they are true? LADY BRITOMART [rising] Children: come home instantly.

the Irishman. you old demon-LADY BRITOMART. CUSINS. Who wants your love. for what Barbara calls salvation. Plato says. Like all young men. man? By what right do you take the liberty of o ffering it to me? I will have your due heed and respect. CUSINS. that society cannot be saved until either the Professors of Greek take to making gunpowder. No. the negro. Pity and love have broken in your hand: forgivenes s is still left. Every true Englishman detests the English. You have me in a horrible dilemma. Euripides. is it? CUSINS. I also want to avoid being a rascal. UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT. But there ar e things in me that I must reckon with: pity-UNDERSHAFT. the Indian ryot. Mac. for what I call patronizing people who are not so lucky as yourself. love. No: forgiveness is a beggar's refuge. Euripides! it is getting late. Do you love the Japane se? Do you love the Germans? Do you love the English? CUSINS. Come. Dolly. CUSINS.science is clear and your duty done when you have called everybody names. But your love! Damn your impertinence! CUSINS [grinning] I may not be able to control my affections. the Pole. Understand this. That is what comes of your gospel of love. and we all want to get home. you greatly exaggerate the difference between on e young woman and another. You love the needy and the outcast: you love the oppressed r aces. CUSINS. Come! try your last weapon. Well. UNDERSHAFT. . UNDERSHAFT. Adolphus! UNDERSHAFT. for what you call a good conscience. I am with you there: we must pay o ur debts. Let him alone. for selfapproval. I want Barbara. my friend. UNDERSHAFT. and our success is a moral horror. Come! you will suit me. Biddy. or else the makers of gunpowder b ecome Professors of Greek. Pity! The scavenger of misery. CUSINS [starting] Plato! You dare quote Plato to me! UNDERSHAFT. CUSINS. Remember the words of Plato. May I not love even my father-in-law? UNDERSHAFT. Quite true. CUSINS. Make up your mind. I do not: all the poet in me recoils from being a good man. You are fencing. Euripides. I know. We are the wickedest nati on on earth. or I will kill you. UNDERSHAFT [with biting contempt] You lust for personal righteousness. Proceed. You are weakening: your grip is slipping . Well said. BARBARA.

You know. Perhaps not. My bravest enemy. [Bilton comes from the shed]. Come when you please: before a week you will come at six and stay un til I turn you out for the sake of your health. [To Cusins] Well. That is the man who keeps me up to the mark. I hate war. But you are driving me against my nature. Quite right. quite right: here you are. do you? My ownest: come off it. [Calling] Bilton! [He turns to L ady Britomart. I love my best friend. What do you mean? Are you alluding to me? BILTON [unmoved] No. CUSINS [desperately perplexed] You hear-BARBARA. Oh. Cholly. My dear: let us leave these two young people to thems elves for a moment. SARAH [sitting placidly on the shell] If I am to be blown up. UNDERSHAFT. may we expect you here at six tomorrow morning? CUSINS [firmly] Not on any account. Dare you make war on war? Here are the means: my friend Mr Lomax is sitting on them. you know. strongly remonstrant] Your own daughter. choose. My hours are healthy. ma'am. Father: do you love nobody? UNDERSHAFT. after all! UNDERSHAFT. But perhaps Barbara will not marry me if I make the wrong choice. Sir. BARBARA. LOMAX [to Undershaft. [She goes into the shed]. tempter. my young friend. [He gives Bilton the . man. LADY BRITOMART. Bilton. So I see. the creature is really a sort of poet in his way. cunning tempter! UNDERSHAFT. Suppose he i s a great man. Suppose you stop talking and make up your mind. LOMAX [springing up] Oh I say! You don't mean that this thing is loaded. pray? UNDERSHAFT. LADY BRITOMART [abruptly] Oh! I beg your pardon. CUSINS. UNDERSHAFT. CUSINS. And who is that. Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated. Don't fuss. I am going to take you through the gun cotton shed. I will see the whole establishment blown up with its own dynamite before I will get up at five. BILTON [barring the way] You can't take anything explosive in here. LADY BRITOMART. ration al hours eleven to five. CUSINS. my friend. UNDERSHAFT. who rises]. Come! choose.CUSINS. the more thoroughl y it is done the better. Mr Undershaft has the other gentleman's matches in h is pocket. UNDERSHAFT.

Now the power that is made here can be wielded by all men. All this mass of business will be Greek to yo u. think.box of matches]. don't you. Charles. that I had to decide without consulting you. I think it will be much less difficult than Greek. We've got em insi de. Oh. I want to make power for the world. Oh I say! [Bilton stolidly hands him the empty box]. I thought you would. Well. I think all power is spiritual: these cannons will not go off by themsel ves. LOMAX. CUSINS. Yes: I did not want you to sell your soul for me any more than for this inheritance. and the people cannot have Greek. Infernal nonsense! P ure scientific ignorance! [He goes in]. Do you feel that you are a sufficiently practical man? It is a huge undert aking. BARBARA. [She goes in]. you would sooner or later have despised me for it. BARBARA. but it must be spiritual power. You'll have to put on list slippers. look at one another silently. You know that you will have no power. STEPHEN. Bilton? BILTON. I have sold it to escape being imprisoned for refusing to pay taxes for h angmen's ropes and unjust wars and things that I abhor. It is not the sale of my soul that troubles me: I have sold it too often to care about that. If I had thrown the burden of the choice on you. Think before you de cide. Don't l et anything I have said about right and wrong prejudice you against this great c hance in life. I have sold it for an i ncome. I have satisfied myself that the business is one of the highest c haracter and a credit to our country. he presses Cusins' hand and goes hastily into the shed . Barbara: I am going to accept this offer. and that he has none. It is not for myself alone. I just want to say this before I leave you to yourselves. I want to make power for the world too. miss: that's all. I have tried to make spiritual power by teaching Greek. The people mu st have power. I-. CUSINS. I have sold it for a professorship. Barbara and Cusins. What is all human conduc t but the daily and hourly sale of our souls for trifles? What I am now selling it for is neither money nor position nor comfort. Come. CUSINS. But the world can n ever be really touched by a dead language and a dead civilization. [Emotionally] I am very proud of my father . BARBARA. old fellow. Come. CUSINS. Bring Sarah. followed by Bilton]. but for reality and for power. BARBARA. left alone together. BARBARA. [He passes into the shed]. Bilton opens the box and deliberately drops the matches into the fire-bucket. SARAH. I know. You understand. an enormous responsibility. CUSINS. CUSINS.[Unable to proceed. Power to burn women's houses down and kill their sons and tear their hu . Am I all right. STEPHEN [very seriously to Cusins] Dolly. Stephen.

I wish I could cure you of middle-class ideas. Undershaft and Bodger: their hands stretch ev erywhere: when we feed a starving fellow creature. if only I could get away from you and from father and from it all! if I could have the wings of a dove and fly away to heaven! CUSINS. the imaginative power. the poetic. The blood of every Turk he shot--if he shot any-is on my head as well as on Undershaft's. CUSINS. You cannot have power for good without having power for evil too. That is why I have no class. I admitted this when th e Turks and Greeks were last at war. is it all over between us? BARBARA [touched by his evident dread of her answer] Silly baby Dolly! How could it be? CUSINS [overjoyed] Then you--you--you-. I must. Dolly. I want a democratic power strong enough to force t he intellectual oligarchy to use its genius for the general good or else perish. If I were middle-class I should turn my back on my father's b . rascals. we must kneel on the stones of th e streets they pave. but a revolver and a hundred Undershaft cartridges. and tyrannical of all the f ools.sbands to pieces. This power which only tears men's bodies to pieces has never been so horribly abused as the intellectual pow er. there is no getting away from them. if we turn from the churches they build. Dolly: I come straight out of the heart of the whole people. the priest. who. and the politician. I now want to give the common man weapons against the intellectual man. BARBARA. Yes: but that power can destroy the higher powers just as a tiger can de stroy a man: therefore man must master that power first. And leave me! BARBARA. I was happy in the Salvation Army for a moment. the doctor. My parting gift to him was not a copy of Plato's Republic. you. That act committed me to this place f or ever.Oh for my drum! [He flourishes imaginary drumsticks]. and impostors. I will. when we tend the sick. And I never wanted to shirk m y share in whatever evil must be endured. I escaped from the world into a paradise of enthusiasm and prayer and soul saving. My best pupil went out to fight for Hellas. an d the Prince of Darkness. the professor. Dolly. BARBARA. CUSINS [gasping] Middle cl--! A snub! A social snub to ME! from the daughter of a foundling! BARBARA. Is there no higher power than that [pointing to the shell]? CUSINS. and all the other naughty mischievous children of men. BARBARA [angered by his levity] Take care. it is in the hospitals they e ndow. whether it be sin or suffering. Even m other's milk nourishes murderers as well as heroes. Oh. As a teacher of Greek I gave the intellectual man weapons against the commo n man. Your father's challenge has beaten me. Yes. Turning our backs on Bodger and Undershaft is turning our backs on life. There is no wicked side: life is all one. And now. religious power that can enslave men's so uls. it is with their bread. Dare I make war on war? I dare. take care. I love the common people. my papa. As long as that lasts. on ce in authority. But I can't. I thought you were determined to turn your back on the wicked side of li fe. the artist. I want to arm them against the lawyer. but the moment our mon ey ran short. it all came back to Bodger: it was he who saved our people: he. becau se there is no other bread. are the most dangerous. the literary man. disastrous. CUSINS.

through the raising of hell to heaven and of man to God. CUSINS. and neither of us a bit of use. I have got rid of the bribe of heaven. is it? But it's good fo r you. never could I let it go. I wonder! BARBARA. and calls. did you think my courage would never come back? did you believe that I was a deserter? that I. playing Schumann: both very superior persons. Barbara clutches like a baby at her mother's skirt]. She has gone right up into the skies. who follows with Lomax. uppish creatures. I have got rid of the bribe of bread." means. My dearest: consider my delicate health. but fullfed. After a ll. dear. I want Mamma. and we should both live in an artistic drawingroom.usiness. followed by Undershaft]. What do you want. childlike] Mamma! Mamma! [Bilton comes out of the shed. [He passes on to Cusins]. and let me forgive him a s becomes a woman of my rank. Let God's work be done for its own sake: the work he had to create us to do because it cannot be done by living men and women. Always runn ing to me! SARAH [touching Lady Britomart's ribs with her finger tips and imitating a bicyc le horn] Pip! Pip! LADY BRITOMART [highly indignant] How dare you say Pip! pip! to me. Barbara? . Barbara: when will you learn to be independent and to act and think for yourself ? I know as well as possible what that cry of "Mamma. all standing on their little rights an d dignities. My father shall never throw it in my teeth again that my converts were bribed with bread. Glory Hallelujah! [She kisses him]. Oh! and I have my dear little Dolly boy still. When I die. BARBARA. with you reading th e reviews in one corner. never. and thinking that my father ought to be greatly obliged to them for making so much money for him--and so he ought. and taken my peopl e to my heart. Do you know what would have happened if you had refused papa's offer? CUSINS. never. UNDERSHAFT. I woul d sweep out the guncotton shed. or be one of Bodger's barmaids. Well? What does she say? CUSINS. She is taking off her list slippers. and I in the other at the piano. through t he unveiling of an eternal light in the Valley of The Shadow. who have stood in the streets. I felt like her when I sa w this place--felt that I must have it--that never. and talked of the holiest and greatest things with them. could ev er turn back and chatter foolishly to fashionable people about nothing in a draw ingroom? Never. Sarah? You a re both very naughty children. Yes. crying with gratitude or a scrap of bread and treacle. [Seizing him with both hands] Oh. quarrelsome. CUSINS. Yes: it is not easy work being in love with me. I should have given you up and married the man who accepted it. and he has found me my place and my work. when it was really all the human souls to be saved: not weak souls in sta rved bodies. obstructing Sara h. never: Major Barbara will die with the colors. Sooner than that. let him be in my debt. LADY BRITOMART [coming from the shed and stopping on the steps. I cannot stand as much happines s as you can. my dear old mother has more sense than any of you. Then the way of life lies through the factory of death? BARBARA. not I in his. That is where salvation is reall y wanted. [She is transfigured]. [She runs to the shed. snobbish. only she thought it was the houses and the kitchen ranges and the linen and china. never. Mamma.

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