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To my dear friends Dave, Dave and Dave. And—someone without whom this would not have been possible—Dave.
I even stole the pipe I was smoking on the cover. Y’know. I probably could write this book! In fact. I’m going to scrap the whole stolen book idea and crank this baby out! I’m even gonna buy my own pipe for the cover! Happy puffing! Bret P. I still stole a lot of stuff. I guess I just wanted to seem like a bigshot. like YOU could have written this! . Then there’s been the whole chronic fatigue syndrome thing. it’s not like I couldn’t write a book like this. I’m pathetic. It’s just that I haven’t had enough time. Actually.A Word to the Fore First things first. let me say this: I didn’t write the book. Dog gone it! I could go on my whole life making these excuses or I could go out there and DO something with my life! Y’know. but the sad fact is I stole pretty much this whole thing.S. Bite me. I think I could probably give someone SOME advice on how to smoke one. I stole the illustrations. make it look like I’ve actually accomplished something. I’ve been messing around with pipes for a while now. I’ve been pretty busy. I mean. I think I know what I’m doing. God help me. I stole the text.
Uuuhhhhhh . Popping? I dunno. someone has gotten sick of your stinky nasty cigars and has decided you need a pipe. . when I say “save” I actually mean “spend less. More to the point. you’ve decided to get a pipe.” much like . don’t fool yourself—one pipe will NOT do. it makes for a great story when your wife asks you why you need so many dang pipes. . Ummm . Building a pipe collection takes time and money. . but actually. If you smoke them every single day they’ll get wet and then they’ll start to taste sour and then you have to do this special pipe treatment thing and let them rest even longer. . . perhaps more appropriately. your pipes need to rest. make it up yourself! o. First of all. You will not be happy until you own at least one pipe for every day for the rest of your life. but there are a few things you can do that can save you a bit of money. This can be a very long and annoying process. huh? Or. that’s probably the case anyway. This will be difficult. You need more. so it’s best you get started right away. Yeah. Of course.The Pipe Smoking Experience From Picking to Packing to Puffing to .
2. . Buy Corncob Pipes.when your wife says. Your local pipe-dude (also called a kapnismologist by people who aren’t afraid of mispronouncing big words) probably has a large stock of pre-owned pipes that have been cleaned and recondition and are ready to sell. Estate Pipes. there are a lot of pipe tobaccos out there and some of them can make your pipe taste NAAASTY. about $3. Grabow’s you’d buy at Walmart. So. For the price of one of those crappy Dr. it really works out well in pipe smoking. Jethro. it was $20 off. while that might be a problem in some areas of society. Yep. I don’t mind. Smoking a corncob lets you try out different tobaccos without the hassle and worry of screwing up a pipe. buy a couple of them. Just don’t smoke them in public. you’ll look like a hillbilly. The fact is. “Estate” is a fancy way of saying “someone else has sucked on this. I SAVED $20!!” 1. you can get a nice pipe that’s already broken in and ready to go. They also don’t require any real break-in period and did I mention they’re CHEAP? Yep. but if you don’t mind. “but honey.” Now.00 or so.
meaning you’ll need to use a lot of pipe cleaners to get these smoked down. Go with something nice and mild. These babies smell the way you think pipe tobacco is supposed to smell.Stick THIS in Your Pipe and Smoke It! ow it’s time to pick out your tobacco. Dunhill’s My Mixture 965 is good. There are a few things you should know about the different types of smokes out there before you buy them. It can also make them moist and goopy. One friend of mine says it’s better than sex. The type of tobacco your smoke can say a lot about you—everything from “I’m contemplative” to “I’m adventurous” to “I shop at gas stations.” There are a lot of tobaccos out there and sooner or later you’ll try almost all of them. . Aromatics. One of the best ones out there is Lanes 1Q. but I just think he’s not doing it right (smoking. They’ve been cased (meaning “sprayed) with flavors that make them pretty dang tasty. I mean). I’d stay away from the high percentage latakia for a while. Latakia. The first time you smell this stuff you’ll be reminded of the bottom of the closets in your grandma’s house. You’ll find some you absolutely hate and others that taste the way silk feels.
burley is often used as a base for aromatics or to modify the burning characteristics of a natural blend. Generally. Perique (pronounced puh-REEK). Orientals. either by a processing technique or by additives. and Yenidje. By definition. "Orientals" are those tobaccos indigenous to the Near East. these names are derived from the region in which they are grown.(Ok. They’re pretty dang good at this) Cavendish. An "Oriental blend" contains at least one and often several of these tobaccos. A term with a variety of meanings. A low-sugar. Drama. a cavendish is "sweetened" in some way. Common "Turkish" varieties include Basma. or both. Like cayenne pepper. Louisiana.org. Izmir. . which results in a very potent. including the various "Turkish" tobaccos and latakia. Generally. Turkish. Any of a number of tobaccos grown in numerous locales throughout the eastern Mediterranean region. so I got really bored writing about the rest of these types and stole the descriptions from the FAQ at www. a little goes a long way. high nicotine. Xanthi. Perique is subjected to extreme pressure and is allowed to ferment as it is cured. Samsun.pipes. James Parish. slowburning tobacco with little flavor of its own. Burley. Another "spice" tobacco grown only in St. Smyrna. distinctive tobacco.
” Squeeze some between your fingers: if it springs back. if you can’t get around to it yet. . right? But. you’re doing great. There are several varieties of Virginias. Lighter in body than Oriental blends. Virginias are grown in numerous locales.Virginia. if it crumbles it’s too dry (sprits it with some distilled water and seal it up in its baggy/jar/humidor). How you store your tobacco is as important as the kind of tobacco you buy. but all are characterized a relatively high sugar content. but they are smoked "straight" as well. they have a subtle complexity of flavor that makes them a favorite of many experienced smokers. it’s too wet (leave it out in the open for a couple of hours). Virginias are often used as the base tobacco in blends. You’ll be tempted to spend big bucks on humidors and leather pouches and that’s fine because you’re a bigshot anyway. Despite the name. you can get them cheap at Walmart. The main thing is keep your tobacco moist—but not too moist. Straight Virginias undergo changes in flavor as they age. if it stays squished. I also like those glass jars with the rubber seals. Most people go with what they call the “pinch test. similar to fine wines. those ziplock baggies your tobacconist uses work just fine.
4. 7. Frog Jimmy 9. yep. Frog Morton 2. Escalator 8. Three Nuns 10. Independence 6. Scraps O’ Virginia Slims 3. A Priest.Take the Tobbacy Test The following is a list of pipe tobaccos—or is it?!?!?! I’ve thrown in several different blend names along with a few that I’ve made up. which means. see if you can decide which is which. Real Made Up 1. Escudo 7. you CAN smoke something called “Frog Morton. 8 and 10 were made up. Floor Sweepinz 5.” . a Rabbi and Jimmy Swaggart Answers: 2. And So To Bed 4.
It should be as easy to suck as simply sucking air. filling it to overflow. tamping your pipe down to about 2/3 of the way full this time. . Now. make sure it pops back up at you. Give it the suck test. Still suck ok? Step 3 Overflow the pipe again. and then press down to fill the pipe flush with the rim. fill your pipe up. Also. If you do this right. If it were that easy anyone could do it. here’s an easy to remember method of packing your pipe that anyone can do! Step 1 Lightly crumble your tobacco into your pipe. just overflowing. make sure you have a good draw. Gently but firmly push the tobacco down until your bowl is half full. Step 2 Once again. Give it a little push. if you screw up it’ll be like trying to suck a baseball through a coffee stirrer.Proper Pipe Packing for Pleasurable Puffing moking a pipe is not just a matter of stuffing some crumbled up leaves into a pipe and lighting up. the draw on your pipe should be about the same as sucking a drink through a straw. you’ll have a good smoke all the way through. make sure your tobacco stays “springy” in the bowl. Press down again. By this time.
so get used to carrying one with you. I maintain that this is why pipe smoking has never really caught on with women. From time to time it will be necessary to push the burnt tobacco down a bit (this makes the tobacco burn cooler and more consistent). I mean. By the way. You’re going to need certain tools to do it right. You’ll need to run them down the stem several times during your smoke to keep your pipe dry.Stuff You’ll Need to Own For Pipe Smoking (I mean. other than a pipe) ipe smoking isn’t like cigarette smoking. Don’t make the mistake of believing these are just for after-smoke cleaning. . Well. that and the whole Mammy Yokum motif. you’ll be tempted to just use a common everyday nail as a tamper substitute but be warned—you MUST have an expensive professionally made tamper to be truly happy! Pipe Cleaners. with cigarettes you just stop by the 7 11 and pick up a box of Luckys and a Bic lighter and puff away. They’re also great for little craft projects but listen. . . You’ll use a tamper pretty often. A Tamper. Pipe smoking is more like a job. A tamper is an object used to . well .tamp. even Martha Stewart wouldn’t make a snowman out of a USED one! .
soothes the temper.A Lighter. You’ll figure out which of these really fit your needs and budget and then make do with what you can afford. but it’s also probably impractical. indulgent fathers. right? Just make sure you let it burn a few seconds before lighting your pipe or you’ll be enjoying the great flavor of naphtha. The moment a man takes up a pipe he becomes a philosopher." —Thomas Chandler Haliburton . The problem is. There’s a whole world of other stuff you’ll probably end up wanting: leather tobacco pouches. but everyone loves Zippo. humidors. All pipe smokers will tell you that the best thing to light your pipe with is a wooden match. kind masters. It calms the mind. than any other thing on this blessed earth. which amounts to about 75 acres of Brazilian rainforest. and makes a man patient under difficulties. There are more expensive lighters and some of them are better. you’re going to go through a box of matches a week. This is true. this is the gospel according to Dunhill. pipe racks and —of course—pipes. good husbands. pipe rests. Do the earth a favor and buy a Zippo. It has made more good men. It's a poor man's friend.
The Shank 3. The Mouth-Thingie 6. 1. The flue . 9. The part you’ll only worry about if you buy a crappy filter pipe. The part that will wear out and make the front part slip out when you least expect it. . 5. The Bowl 2.NO not that kind of POT! That kind EITHER! 7. 4. The all important Gunky Stuff that gets on the inside of your pipe. . To fully appreciate it you should know them like the back of your head. . 8. The part that will break if you drop it. Can also be substituted for a flute. The Pot . .Know Your Pipe Your pipe is a complicated tool with many different parts.
Pipe lighting is NOT cigarette or cigar lighting. This goes without saying. This is a delicate ballet between man and fire that will require astute attention and careful choreography. Big Boy ou’ve got your pipe. you’ve got your tobacco. light your match. hovering it in circles over the bowl. Place it above your pipe. you’ve got your tobacco properly loaded into your pipe. Then. lighter or other open flame source. I say above! Do not touch the flame to the pipe. While doing this. give it 6 to 10 gentle draws.Light It Up. FIRE. gently take your tamper and press the tobacco back down into the bowl and let the pipe go out. Once the pipe is lit. circulate the match or lighter. The servant of the lowliest savage and the greatest. All that’s left is the basic element that separates man from beast. pulling the flame down into the pipe’s bowl. You’re likely going to make yourself cross-eyed the first couple of times you try it! With the pipe clenched betwixt your teeth. The first step will be to actually have the pipe in your mouth before you light it. highest poofiest muckity-muck alike. Your pipe is made out of wood! Are you NUTS?!?! You’ll burn it!!!! Gently suck. but I felt it necessary to say it anyway. .
when viewed that way. the idea here is just to sort of smear it around. it often takes me twice as long to finish a pipe. And you thought you were so big. If it feels so hot that you’re not comfortable holding it. Speedy. You get the idea. MR. Imagine a cigarette taking that long! Y’see. Remember. PIPE SMOKER! The charring light is necessary to provide the rest of the tobacco with a nice even layer of ash. Now. Don’t tamp it down too much. didn’t you. you can’t afford NOT to smoke a pipe! . sit it down and let it rest a bit. I think I sucked my first bowl down in about 30 minutes. the idea with a pipe is that you go slow. re-light and puff. Re-light and try again. Imagine the ash as an air filter that’s going to make the rest of the smoke with a nice and cool. Now. you’ve only completed what’s called “the charring light. didn’t you?!?! Not so fast. Don’t count of this being your experience the first time you suck on one of these things. Plan on re-lighting often—in fact.HA HA! You thought you were done.” It’s only the first step in enjoying your pipe. sipping the smoke rather than devouring it like a nicotine crazed cigarette jockey. It takes time. make sure the pipe doesn’t get too hot. They say the best pipe is the one that’s always on the verge of going out.
Is your ash white? Then you’re doing it right! Blow a smoke ring. run a pipe cleaner down the stem. your pipe will make a few noises. they take time and practice. huh? Notice the flavor. Expect to see some nasty brown stuff. Lucky for you. . Sounds lovely. you’re a pipe smoker now! You’re going to have about an hour to get those rings down pat! . you’re a pipe smoker! Hear that gurgle? After a while. If the pipe starts to get too hot. What. you’re going too fast. Tamp early and tamp often. When this happens. you don’t know how to blow a smoke ring? Well. Pay attention to the heat. . Slow down. sorta sound like someone’s frying bacon. Nice? Tamp that ash. slow down a bit. Try this: lightly puff back through the pipe a time or two. Do you notice it? If not. You’re not in a hurry.While You’re Puffing . This seems to help concentrate the flavor sometimes. Keep the ash spread out over the top. we call it sauce.
I know what I’m talking about! When you finish the pipe. you’ll try to light your pipe again. It could also be like saying hello to an ashtray in your mouth if you’re not careful! Don’t make the mistake of sucking HARD on that last puff— believe me. Then. Give it a few good twists in your bowl to get the loose ash out. run your pipe cleaner back down the stem and leave it there. . fter a while. When it finally happens you’ll be sad. . and it simply won’t smoke—you’ve finished your bowl. and running them down the stem again a few times to make sure the airway isn’t blocked. Rest your pipe somewhere with the bowl down. It’ll be like saying “goodbye” to an old friend. . did you buy any more pipes yet? . remove the cleaner and bend it into a U shape. Do this with one or two pipe cleaners. Simply steal it when they aren’t looking. If you don’t have a proper pipe rack you can make a substitute out of someone else’s pipe rack. set your pipe aside to dry. Allow the pipe to rest about an hour before cleaning it. . Then. This can take a while .When You’re Done .
some new pipes come with a “pre-cake” build-up that helps ease the break-in period. I’d explain how to fix that. sandpaper wrapped around a dowel rod. . A good rule of thumb is to allow the cake to get as thick as a dime (hopefully you haven’t spent all your money on pipes and have actually saved a dime somewhere). This can be done with either a pocket knife. or a tool called a “reamer. do NOT need to be scrubbed.” I’ll let you do your own reamer joke. By the way. like good Chinese woks and wiener dogs. you’ll need to allow it to build up a good amount of “cake” on the inside of the bowl (that’s the black stuff the chimney sweeps are covered with). But others come without any cake and can bite and taste bad. If the cake gets too thick—whooah.Mmmmm. Cake ne real big mistake you can make is cleaning your pipe too much. For your pipe to smoke well. but chances are you can’t afford a new pipe anyway. that can be trouble too! You can crack the pipe! Make sure to trim the cake back when it gets too thick. Pipes.
pipe smokers come in two basic shapes .Basic Pipe Shapes Pipes come in a variety of shapes. Here is a list of the basics Basic Pipe Smoker Shapes On the other hand.
. What causes it? Well. Keep smoking until lemon meringue tastes like cardboard. Your tobacco is much too moist. Smoking too wet. Let it air out for a few hours and use more pipe cleaners. you’d be amazed just how much good a nice glass of milk will do you after a smoke. 2. Remember. Smoking too hot. Personally I like Vernors ginger ale. there can be several sources: 1. but some people like a cup of coffee or tea or juices— fermented juices. Smoking too little.Why Does My Tongue Hurt? rom time to time you’ll notice a nasty burning feeling on your tongue. This is called “tongue bite” for reasons that will become obvious to you. if you know what I mean. You just haven’t built up a good tongue callus. 3. cool drink next to you. Another thing that helps ward off tongue bite is to keep a nice. keep the fire down to a bare smolder. Tongue bite often happens to people who are new to the pipe. Also. take it slow.
If it sticks. or go to your local library and look for The Ultimate Pipe Book by Richard Hacker. Wait at least an hour before taking it apart (by the way. 5. That’s not good. It’ll sop up all the nasty stuff. Never ever EVER inhale pipe smoke—unless you really really REALLY have to. Keep a pipe cleaner in your pipe after each smoke. 3. If your pipe gets too hot. no one says you have to take it apart anyway). 4.A Few Final Caveats 1. or look for Pipes and Tobaccos magazine at your local newsstand. Never take your pipe apart while it’s still hot or even just warm.pipes. Otherwise your pipe will get too wet and then it can crack. 2. A good way to tell if your pipe is too hot is to lay the bowl against your cheek. it’s too hot. . Rest your pipe for at least a day between smokings. just put it down for a while. check out www.org on the web. For Further Information about pipes and pipe smoking. or just play around with your pipe until you stop tasting charcoal.