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We are slaves to this wonderful invention. It interrupts the most important moments of
our lives, like lovemaking, dinner, sitting on the can...
Consider. You've just sat down to a wonderful dinner and the phone explodes into your
culinary happiness. You answer and some commercially happy voice tells you that you
need to buy aluminum siding, or your roof needs to be redone, or there is a special on
dictionaries that you can't pass up.
You can hang up, curse, scream...but they keep on calling. Here is what one man did to
get back at his telephone tormentors.
"I found out who the CEO (a.k.a. the boss) of the solicitation company was and started to
call him at inopportune times. I told him I was selling vertical burial vaults as life-after-
death condos. I had my wife try to sell him custom-fitted condoms. Later, I called very
late at night to sell him sleeping tablets.
"He finally blew his stack at me and screamed why? since I was obviously the same
voice doing all the calls. I told him I was one of his company's involuntary customers and
what more right did he have to invade my home privacy than I did his?"
Mr. Owner told our hero to come down to the office and have his name/number removed
from their computer bank. It worked.
There is a commercial outfit also willing to help you. There are many times when you
want to hang up on a caller who is bothering or boring you. The list of specific callers in
this category is endless. There is a product called "Hang Up Helper" which is a special
paper that, when rubbed near a telephone receiver, sounds just like telephone line static.
So when that talkative bore calls and you want off the line, just rub a little Hang Up
Helper near your phone mouthpiece and announce that you can't hear a word your caller
is saying. Then rub the paper louder. Scream in a very faint voice, "I'll try to call you
back" and increase the static sound. Hang up.
As of this writing, this neat stuff is available from Hang Up Helper, P.O. Box 5474,
Austin, TX 78763.
The French playwright Ferenc Molnar solved the problem of really unwelcome callers
with whom he never wanted to speak by instructing his secretary to tell them, "I'm so
sorry, he's not in. But he just left a moment ago, so if you rush down the street you'll
probably catch up with him."
Our pal The Midnight Avenger has the number of those nasty unlisted telephones, too. Is
your mark tormenting you from his highly mobile phone? The Avenger says to have
someone who sounds official call the mark and pose as a telephone company official,
obviously using a pay phone (so the call can't be traced), and ask for the mark's private
code number for the mobile, cordless phone.
When you get that number I am sure you can think of all sorts of uses, including the 900-
series numbers, many of which contain explicit messages. Ahhh, ain't technology grand!
Lots of people have shared this next idea with me. Your telephone number at home is
similar to the number of a business, industry, or whatever. You get a lot of their calls. Do
what Ruddy Fart, Mr. Avenger, and Blam Blam did--simply answer the calls and be nice.
Ruddy Fart explains, "All of us gets these calls asking about hours, specials, and stuff
like that because our number is similar to that of the store. After begging the nearby 7-
Eleven to change their number and being rudely told to 'fornicate off,' I decided to have
"Every time anyone called me for the 7-Eleven number, I went along with anything they
asked for or made it better. I offered all kinds of deals and discounts. Finally, their
attorney called me and I told him to fornicate off and leave me alone."
Three days later, the 7-Eleven management changed their local store's telephone number.
But the all-time nasty was related to me by Dick Smegma (who else?). He told me about
a guy who got a royal sodomizing on installation and service charges by his local
telephone company. He spent a lot of time, effort, and legal money to win his argument.
However, the telephone company was able to hire more expensive lawyers who knew
more expensive judges, same country club set and all that, so they won. The honest guy
lost in court.
Enter aviation to the sense of restored justice. A friend of this man owned a Cessna
aircraft. Together, they devised a steel cable and hook which they fastened to the aircraft,
stowing the cable and hook inside the aircraft until airborne and ready to attack.
"They swooped down on rural, single-strand telephone lines owned by this company,
using the cable and hook to rip the wires off the poles. The two men and their merry
flying machine ripped out thirty telephone lines on their afternoon mission," Dick told
Effective. Thousands of customers complained, lots of overtime was paid, and the PUC
got on the phone company's case. The FAA investigated and found nothing. This is not a
new stunt. The late LTC Phillip Cochran told me that his fighter pilots did the same thing
to Japanese military telephone and power lines in Burma during World War II.
Squeamish also delights in having fun with telephone solicitors who won't take negative
responses. He says he talks to them for a while and asks some questions, making his
voice a bit more excited each time he asks something.
"I then heave off a heavy moan and scream into the phone, 'I'm cumming, ohhhh, I'm
cumming,' and groan again. Then I clear my throat and say in my normal voice, 'Oh,
thank you so very much, that was delightful and felt so good. Thank you."'
Squeamish says this upsets solicitors of the same sex much more than the opposite
gender. I dunno, I thought it was pretty funny.
A serious user of pay telephones, Discordia Dea agrees that these useful instruments
should never be trashed. However, that doesn't mean you can't stick it to Ma Bell for the
coins involved. Dea suggests that you simply epoxy the locks on the coin boxes, which
does no damage to the instrument or its function. Super glue or liquid solder will do the
Rapid Revenge used to have a live-in who ran up his phone bills and refused to pay her
share. He got back at her by calling her collect from other cities where he traveled, but
telling the operator he was her father or one of her brothers. The markess would gas away
for five minutes or so while Rapid would mutter a few "uhhuh's" to keep her monologue
on the line.
"My best record was fifteen minutes for her yakking on one call. This always worked
because her family traveled a lot. I can imagine some of the scenes when her dad or
brothers got home and faced this ditzy broad about some bizarre collect call they'd never
made," Rapid reported.
Ray Heffer offers wonderfulness if your mark is an apartment person. He says, "You
know how thin walls between moms are and how tightly packed people are in modern
"You pick a weekend or evening when your mark is going to be away. Go to a pay phone
and call the mark's home. Obviously, you will hear the ringing signal. Lay the phone
down...don't hang it up...and leave," says Ray.
The deal is that the phone will continue to ring and ring and ring and zing because
nobody is there to answer it and because you left the line open by laying down a ringing
phone. The reward is that so many neighbors will be highly urinated-off and complain
enough that your mark might be forced to move.
You surely recall V.P. Kowalski and his stunt of using suntan creme on the earpiece of a
telephone. He's back because he feels that he and I shorted the other end of the
communication cycle, the mouthpiece.
"I want to correct that oversight George," Kowalski recently told me. "So let's coat the
mark's telephone mouthpiece with something disgusting."
Some of the mouthpiece coatings that came to Kowalski's mind included phlegm, pus,
snot, ass-wipe, and wound-drip. I won't list the gross items, however. Kowalski also
suggested unscrewing the mouthpiece and filling the cavity with animal feces, ants, ticks,
fleas, or the like.
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?