10/01/2011

Slang Match - JaaL - desi satire eZine

Do Indian men owe their women an Orgasm?
Main Story
Vishva Bandhu Gupta peels the layer off the Onion Republic

Fair Game

White Man's black money

It all began, of course, with the Mahatma and those wacky nocturnal "experiments". I mean, lying nude with two naked nieces on either side and calling it "nation-building"! No wonder we're a bit confused about rights and wrongs and no wonder the sexuality of the post-1947 Indian male is such a mess of guilt-about-pleasure. "Love!" we demand, but he only stares at the mirror; "Empathy!" we yell, but he only shows us his baby photos; "Conversation!" we urge, but he only grunts about his latest paycheck; "stimulation!" we bark but he's already watching ESPN; "friendship!" we ask, and he buys a blank Archie's card; and "orgasm!" we plead but he thinks we're referring to a musical instrument. There we are cajoling, pummeling and orally coaxing that offensive organ to disgorge its life-giving fluid. Holding our breath through the sweaty squelch and stink, endeavouring to make sexy sounds all the while worrying about how to get the stains off the sheets. And yet just as we unveil our daring lingerie and advance seductively he only lapses into his favourite mother-related fantasy or

Laughing Stock
Top Ten causes for the Selling out of India

An orgasm is an anhedonic's nightmare. So it is only fitting that the first movie exploitation of a huge Caligula Climax should be in Woody Allen's Sleeper: in a metal orgasm inglenook just a single generation design evolution from today's very uncarnal telephone booth. Allen pops into one, his date into the next, something shuddery happens between human and booth, they pop out, the outcome, or ingo, of a 21st century date over and done with.

Smear Scape
RSS to dump Vajpayee, Nagpur's new PM by New Year

Calumny Cloumn
Laloo and Mulayam's Marriage of Convenience

Illustration by Siddhartha Mitra

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writhes in ecstasy about the masi from Ghaziabad. Men not only owe women an orgasm, they should be legally bound to provide it. And not seek refuge in a cock-out about 'demanding' feminists.

Spins & Needles

Anti-post-quasi-neo-Indian Penal Code questions: Does the man give the woman her orgasm? Nah. Can he ever be sued for rape? Nah. Can he ever be a sorry stiff in the dock for alimony and childcare? Nah. Can partnerships be annulled on grounds of non-cohabitation? What partnerships. How long does it take for that variety of advocate called a "rapechaser" to go extinct? How long ago was penal substituted by penile?

If there is one definitive information source for the 20th century history of bonking, I think is in the Shere Hite Hall of Simulated Stimulation, or Stimulated Simulation, or #@*&%! whatever: The Hite Report on Female Sexuality (1976), The Hite Report on Men and Male Sexuality (1981), Women Illustration by Rustam Vania and Love (1990), and Shere Hite - Women as Revolutionary Agents of Change: Selected Essays in Psychology and Gender 1972-1993. Apart from inadvertently After all we women deserve it. Don't we coining the intransitive verb, "to orgasm" and slog hard by day, tending to the bringing the Devil's Legionnaires, "the criminally-inclined progeny, scouring the unreconstructed men", to their scabby knees, bed pan of the propertied great aunt Hite was instrumental in paving the way for who might mention us in her will, wilting the overspill of female revolutionary ardour in the onion queue, screaming in the salt that Germaine Greer hasn't ceased griping mob, assaulting DESU linesmen in a about: femiNazism. And, of course, rather frenzy of heat induced rage, not to unsettling scientific Rand Corporation-like mention being oppressed in our talk of human parthenogenesis. workplaces by testosterone-driven bosses who's idea of sexual excitement Good grief. As of tomorrow, we can shut seems to be to keep women down if not down all the world's sperm factories and still under them at all times -- after all this perpetuate the human race - minus men, who surely we deserve a lift-off into lifetoday do half the job. Badly, granted. altering, mind-improving hormonal Narcissistically. Post-coital Marlboro more frenzy? important than aftplay snogging. Before the But oh no. Paradoxically, Kama Sutra or no Kama Sutra, in the land where the flow of semen is not seasonal and where DNA seems to be smeared on every tree trunk, the Indian male simply performs his dreary in-and-out routine
jaalmag.com/15121998/slangmatch.htm

Hite reports, masculine selfishness was largely that of not caring about giving the female principle (principal?) a requited orgasm. After the Hite reports, every man worth his performance wanted to give his female partner an orgasm - till it was widely suggested that they wanted to because a
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rolls over and instantly falls into a coma, leaving half the population of the Mahatma's nation, to close their eyes and think of the fun his nieces never had.

female orgasm had become a victory pennant, an indication of male virility. You can't win. Men, you know that revolution will extract its collateral damage. You've been extracting it for millennia, without a What were the founding fathers thinking? revolution to justify it. The female orgasm should be a male fundamental duty enshrined by the But parthenogenesis as punishment? Supreme Court and punishable by a Parthenogenesis is the tail end of strict sentence. And all those ammafemiNazistic gynaecological reductio ad fixated, hair-oiling, pimple-encrusted, absurdum. Parthenogenesis would have been butter-chicken wolfing, denizens must be invaluable to the Amazons, who underwent made aware by NGOs, and other public single mastectomy to simplify the pectoral agencies on the needs to keep on going. ergonomics of carrying a quiver of arrows. No more pelvic hiccups, but constant Bugger Cupid: grab the guy with the biggest, locomotion. Don't just roll over and doesn't matter if he doesn't look like Paul sleep, don't just use the hand-crafted Newman, aim your arrows well -- don't technique of self-gratification, don't impale his cod! You can un-gender, or replead spondilitis, don't get sudden gender, all the Biblical begets if you want to cramps once the sticky stuff is wiped off. repair history by rewriting it, but the damage, But stand again and be a woman! Forget my friends, is done. what they said about the myth that the I hate to advise this, but abstinence is often a bharatiya nari doesn't have a libido. healing repression. As for what If we can't have 33 per cent reservations Shakespeare's beast with two backs aspires to: if any of the world's major Judaeoin Parliament, if the girl child is still a prisoner of those evil statistics, then how Christian religions were followed to the about some affirmative action in bed, at decimal, a global anti-climax would have depopulated Mother Earth millennia ago. If least? it's any consolation, a male orgasm is still Sagarika Ghose is a senior special imperative to the perpetuation of the human correspondent with Outlook. race: a female orgasm still isn't.
Kajal Basu is a futurologist and a science fiction writer.

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