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10/01/2011 Slang Match - JaaL - desi satire eZine

Do Indian men owe their women an Orgasm?


It all began, of An orgasm is an
Main Story course, with the anhedonic's nightmare. So
Mahatma and those it is only fitting that the first
Vishva Bandhu wacky nocturnal movie exploitation of a
Gupta peels the "experiments". I huge Caligula Climax
layer off the Onion
Republic mean, lying nude should be in Woody
with two naked nieces on either side and Allen's Sleeper: in a metal orgasm inglenook
calling it "nation-building"! No wonder just a single generation design evolution from
Fair Game
we're a bit confused about rights and today's very uncarnal telephone booth. Allen
wrongs and no wonder the sexuality of pops into one, his date into the next,
the post-1947 Indian male is such a something shuddery happens between
White Man's black
money mess of guilt-about-pleasure. human and booth, they pop out, the
outcome, or ingo, of a 21st century date
"Love!" we demand, but he only stares over and done with.
Laughing at the mirror; "Empathy!" we yell, but he
Stock only shows us his baby photos;
"Conversation!" we urge, but he only
Top Ten causes for grunts about his latest paycheck;
the Selling out of
India
"stimulation!" we bark but he's already
watching ESPN; "friendship!" we ask,
and he buys a blank Archie's card; and
Smear
"orgasm!" we plead but he thinks we're
Scape
referring to a musical instrument.
RSS to dump
Vajpayee, There we are cajoling, pummeling and
Nagpur's new PM orally coaxing that offensive organ to
by New Year
disgorge its life-giving fluid. Holding our
breath through the sweaty squelch and
Calumny
stink, endeavouring to make sexy
Cloumn
sounds all the while worrying about how
Laloo and to get the stains off the sheets. And yet
Mulayam's just as we unveil our daring lingerie and
Marriage of
Convenience advance seductively he only lapses into Illustration by Siddhartha Mitra
his favourite mother-related fantasy or
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10/01/2011 Slang Match - JaaL - desi satire eZine
writhes in ecstasy about the masi from
HATe-mail
Ghaziabad. Anti-post-quasi-neo-Indian Penal Code
questions: Does the man give the woman her
Men not only owe women an orgasm, orgasm? Nah. Can he ever be sued for
they should be legally bound to provide rape? Nah. Can he ever be a sorry stiff in
it. And not seek refuge in a cock-out the dock for alimony and childcare? Nah.
about 'demanding' feminists. Can partnerships be annulled on grounds of
Spins & non-cohabitation? What partnerships. How
Needles long does it take for that variety of advocate
called a "rapechaser" to go extinct? How
long ago was penal substituted by penile?

If there is one definitive information source


for the 20th century history of bonking, I
think is in the Shere Hite Hall of Simulated
Stimulation, or Stimulated Simulation, or
#@*&%! whatever: The Hite Report on
Female Sexuality (1976), The Hite Report
on Men and Male Sexuality (1981), Women
Illustration by Rustam Vania and Love (1990), and Shere Hite - Women
as Revolutionary Agents of Change:
Selected Essays in Psychology and Gender
1972-1993. Apart from inadvertently
After all we women deserve it. Don't we
coining the intransitive verb, "to orgasm" and
slog hard by day, tending to the
bringing the Devil's Legionnaires, "the
criminally-inclined progeny, scouring the
unreconstructed men", to their scabby knees,
bed pan of the propertied great aunt
Hite was instrumental in paving the way for
who might mention us in her will, wilting
the overspill of female revolutionary ardour
in the onion queue, screaming in the salt
that Germaine Greer hasn't ceased griping
mob, assaulting DESU linesmen in a
about: femiNazism. And, of course, rather
frenzy of heat induced rage, not to
unsettling scientific Rand Corporation-like
mention being oppressed in our
talk of human parthenogenesis.
workplaces by testosterone-driven
bosses who's idea of sexual excitement Good grief. As of tomorrow, we can shut
seems to be to keep women down if not down all the world's sperm factories and still
under them at all times -- after all this perpetuate the human race - minus men, who
surely we deserve a lift-off into life- today do half the job. Badly, granted.
altering, mind-improving hormonal Narcissistically. Post-coital Marlboro more
frenzy? important than aftplay snogging. Before the
Hite reports, masculine selfishness was
But oh no. Paradoxically, Kama Sutra
largely that of not caring about giving the
or no Kama Sutra, in the land where the
female principle (principal?) a requited
flow of semen is not seasonal and where
orgasm. After the Hite reports, every man
DNA seems to be smeared on every
worth his performance wanted to give his
tree trunk, the Indian male simply
female partner an orgasm - till it was widely
performs his dreary in-and-out routine
suggested that they wanted to because a
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10/01/2011 Slang Match - JaaL - desi satire eZine
rolls over and instantly falls into a coma, female orgasm had become a victory
leaving half the population of the pennant, an indication of male virility. You
Mahatma's nation, to close their eyes can't win. Men, you know that revolution will
and think of the fun his nieces never had. extract its collateral damage. You've been
extracting it for millennia, without a
What were the founding fathers thinking? revolution to justify it.
The female orgasm should be a male
fundamental duty enshrined by the But parthenogenesis as punishment?
Supreme Court and punishable by a Parthenogenesis is the tail end of
strict sentence. And all those amma- femiNazistic gynaecological reductio ad
fixated, hair-oiling, pimple-encrusted, absurdum. Parthenogenesis would have been
butter-chicken wolfing, denizens must be invaluable to the Amazons, who underwent
made aware by NGOs, and other public single mastectomy to simplify the pectoral
agencies on the needs to keep on going. ergonomics of carrying a quiver of arrows.
No more pelvic hiccups, but constant Bugger Cupid: grab the guy with the biggest,
locomotion. Don't just roll over and doesn't matter if he doesn't look like Paul
sleep, don't just use the hand-crafted Newman, aim your arrows well -- don't
technique of self-gratification, don't impale his cod! You can un-gender, or re-
plead spondilitis, don't get sudden gender, all the Biblical begets if you want to
cramps once the sticky stuff is wiped off. repair history by rewriting it, but the damage,
But stand again and be a woman! Forget my friends, is done.
what they said about the myth that the
bharatiya nari doesn't have a libido. I hate to advise this, but abstinence is often a
healing repression. As for what
If we can't have 33 per cent reservations Shakespeare's beast with two backs aspires
in Parliament, if the girl child is still a to: if any of the world's major Judaeo-
prisoner of those evil statistics, then how Christian religions were followed to the
about some affirmative action in bed, at decimal, a global anti-climax would have
least? depopulated Mother Earth millennia ago. If
it's any consolation, a male orgasm is still
Sagarika Ghose is a senior special imperative to the perpetuation of the human
correspondent with Outlook. race: a female orgasm still isn't.

Kajal Basu is a futurologist and a


science fiction writer.
Next Topic : Have Indian men driven their women to
lesbianism?
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