With Eyes Closed...

1

With Eyes Closed... An Intimate Tale By: Jason Miranda
Regret...

“I love you.” You say in a tone that pierces the tongue escaping your lips- double gauge. I've heard you say this, so many times. But you mean it this time, just like last time. 'I don't much like needles.' I think to myself, so I ignore the words and close my eyes. You lay your head on my chest and all the lies burn a hole through my heart. So many promises, empty. But I can pretend, for now. It isn't hard. It just hurts sometimes. I push the thought back and pull you closer. I run my finger down your naked back; cool soft skin shivers as I touch your spine. So this is what it's come to- feigning intimacy? You are an impostor. This is not your skin. I caress your neck and imagine what you really look like beneath your mask. A monster, pale and dead just like you left

. Stopped you. My God. I bit back the urge to scream and you held the knife so tight your knuckles tensed white with fury. what you always wanted.what you were capable of. 2 her. Regret. they were right. that would stop you this time. I should have seen it in your eyes the day I met you. I wanted to. watching. I wanted to yell out. It wasn't hard to miss that night.. Even in the darkness I could see the twisted smile on your face. I know. I should have been the one.. as clear as day through the scope. The night that you stole her life.. I remember the night. You didn't know. It changes nothing. the ground was littered with autumn leaves and any false step would have alarmed you. This is what you wanted. Regret You didn't know that I was there. It was raining the night that you killed her. And yet no words would come. No pleas. how I wanted you to stop. It was cold and dark. You loved what you were doing.. too. Torrents of needles pierced my skin as I stared in tear streaked horror at the brutality of the scene. Like rain. Things would never be the same. I didn't dare move. Just like the cat. She was so beautiful. and everything was different now. I should have been there to say something. anything. “Why? Why are you doing this? How could you destroy something so beautiful. no begging. I watched it happen and sat idly by. I was curious. But I've said it all before. A smile that meant that it was all over. and the sky was bleeding red with crimson. And secretly I did. I knew then that you were right. so pure? Something meant to last forever!” But I couldn't.With Eyes Closed. and they were right. Oh.

“What are you thinking about?” You ask me. and your scandalous eyes meet mine against the reflection of the tv screen. And I could never tell you. and a purity you could never even touch. Would you have still found a way? Would I still feel so small? Would your skin still feel so frozen against mine? I don't know. knowing how far from true it always is. tried to. biting and scratching my unwanting skin.' It was her that I loved. 3 This wasn't supposed to happen. 'I don't love you. She was the one that I told. All I can see is the blade. All I do now is think. remember? She never did anything to you. It can't be real. So many. Did you know that? Did you even think about that at all? Did I cross your mind even once while you were hacking away our love? I didn't think so. Her color was a perfect shade of pink. and you never will. Or at the very least. 'I could never love you. If only you knew how disgusted I feel right now. You were the guilty one. full of passion.' I whisper to my thoughts.With Eyes Closed. And the wounds. She was innocent. She was the only one. You don't want to know what I'm thinking.. “Nothing. The devil inside. it's quite unaffecting these days. And I meant it. This isn't real..” I reply. slightly. Regret. because I knew that you couldn't come close to knowing. and lovely.. I remember that I laughed then. I shiver in hidden revulsion as your body presses me tenderly and your hips tighten around my legs. Every time you stabbed her you killed a small part of me as well. Your cold heart makes no sound as I kiss your breasts. desperate to feel what she had. even as you dug your spidery fingers into her wound. Why? How? What if? Where would we be if I had stopped all this from happening. No one was supposed to get hurt. I'll never know. . You hover over me..

hun. no matter how hard you try to be just like her.. “I missed you too. But it's just you again. Maybe you saw me there that night. leaving you victorious in your efforts of keeping me from having her.With Eyes Closed... 4 “You're lying.” Which is true. I lay my head back against the headrest and try to seem indifferent. You're all I ever think about. Why am I still here? Why do I put up with it all? I'm trapped and I can never forgive you for keeping me here. Pretending like I don't already know. Perhaps. and see what happens to you. And I can see it. I close my eyes again and I force myself to say. You're not that convincing. From loving her. Maybe I should just go. That somehow it would bring you joy if I conceded and left.. a jolt of intense fear and pain and angst indescribable in words. All the time. runs through me. Your bright ocean blue eyes flicker with something like pure evil and I long to see her behind them. Maybe it would help if I saw you suffer as I've suffered. I just don't know. like poison. faking innocence. “Cause I think about you too. it's all a trick. “That's good. Tell me?” You smile. but not how I meant for you to hear it.” I miss her. and now you're screwing with my mind. .” We kiss and your lips burn mine. You're not. Regret. I missed you. I would. More than anything. And I hate you for what you've done. How could I ever know? Regret. Who knows? I don't. From being loved. but I have this aching feeling that you don't really need me at all. “I was thinking about you. all too clearly. Suddenly. Deeper. baby. Just leave.” You laugh. Maybe you know I know.

I suppose I should be grateful. “Look at all the reds!” You screamed. I promised it would never get this bad. Hell. and the tears fell hard as the rain that night. I saw a future I never asked for. and that look in your eyes. and God. The pressure. Not so bad that it would hurt. I can't say I didn't see it coming. I should have seen it coming.. even to me. a perfect little hole in the world. But somewhere along the fall. We both lied. “Oh how I love autumn! The colors!” How can you be so cruel? I guess. Who new they would be so right. It was just for fun. Our world.false like the moon on the night you killed that poor girl. So I gave in to you. You came to me before. 5 “I love you so much. Thank you. berating her with your knife. I held my own. every smile you've seen has been forced. Just to make things interesting. between each kiss. But I can't blame them. to all my peers. The forest was so wet. Painted crimson. and you just became worse and worse. The same one you dug for her. falling deeper and deeper into your precious little hole. I can't help thinking this is all a dream. washed away into a dark chasm in the ground. I just kept pretending I couldn't see it. and I pulled away.six feet deep.. and I swear since that night. At least we fell together.. But I saw then. I imagined it weeping for all the hurtful things you were doing in its mists. I .With Eyes Closed. It feels like so long ago. It was bad.” You say again and again. with the culprit in your hands. Not so bad that it would change us. I lied. You would have left me behind long ago if I hadn't held on so tight. it was so appealing.

except you. My hands caress your sides.. Keeps me alive.With Eyes Closed. and nature took it's course. Falling. Now that she's dead and I'm left with nothing. You were so much stronger than she felt at the time.. watching you fall. knowing it's wrong.. and you pour into me. I have to be strong.. The bitterness that clouded the air.” I don't mean it. Those are just words to me now. I wish I hadn't let this happen. leaving me breathless in the wake of every mistake I ever made. You know. Something farther than the sun from where I lie. I know this... I am all alone. Torn to pieces by the thrust of your hand. I wish I hadn't watched you take over.. She didn't stand a chance. Falling.” Because I long to feel her . And there I was that night. I can still taste it. and watching her die. Dying. and I saw her mangled body. Because I miss her “more than the sun misses the rain. by the stroke of your knife. Gravity had it's hold on her. into a million tiny pieces of broken trust. and I tried to take her with me.. I reluctantly looked down into that hole. and I choke on the words. But she couldn't hold on. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. Bleeding. 6 reached for something to help me back up. Like when I give in to you each time. I close my eyes and brush back the stale dry tears that keep trying to fall... I can't let them show.. knowing the betrayal.. My tongue doubles back in my throat as the sense comes back to mind. You have become something else. But I must. Crash. I wish I would have done something. “I love you too.

7 again. I remember she hardly ever left the house without straightening her hair because she was so insecure about it. Time to bring myself to the lowest level and feed into your lies. and in contrast to your fierce nails tearing into my skin. probably hidden now by the multicolored leaves. To bring her back to life. her creamy white skin. Perhaps the dirt was too wet.. to touch her face. her gorgeous blue eyes. There was no funeral for her.With Eyes Closed. more likely your heart was too frozen. My thoughts and words fall on death's ears. Your perfect weapon. no gathering of friends and family to say goodbye. I will live this lie. You're sick. Just to make sure you never leave. no more blue eyes. her long brown mess of hair that was always too curly and tangled for her. I try so hard to hold on to that memory. Because I'm so afraid to be alone. so scared to let this die. As you bring me deeper into you. How long will I force myself to endure this putrid example of naivety run amok? I suppose as long as it takes to find her again. No. I cringe to think of the decay she's succumbed to by now. There was no gravestone with pleasant words etched into the face of it to keep her memory alive. I recall again how deep that hole was. Or... Before the addiction consumed her. but just perfect for me. and so consumed me. and know her like before. It's that time again. There is no place for me to leave her flowers and speak to her in hopes that she'll hear what I'm saying. Like you let her die. no celebration of life. To see her again. no more auburn hair. Ah. and you moan so loud my ears ache. I pull you even closer. beneath the trees. just to keep you happy. I gently massage the dimples at the small of your back. No more creamy skin.. Her body still lay in that empty forest. Until then. I still can't believe how easy it was for you to use that against her. Just a crumpled mass of bones . and how you never even tried to fill it again. insecurity. as I remember her and to share a life as one. Her fatal flaw.

Sleep.. Another dose. Enjoy. my chin. . Damnit! When will it end? A hurtful cycle that keeps ripping at the seams of my already torn soul. It's too cold in this room. Lovely isn't it? It's hard to get that taste out of my mouth.With Eyes Closed. Sex. my cheek. Shake. even in her state. close my eyes and bite the bullet. Sex. my lips. take the dose. But how long can I do this? How long? Truth. Sex. We both know why.. Sleep. You force my hair back with your long fingers and kiss my neck. Shiver.. Wake up.. Your breath smells like ginger and burnt vinegar. No time for food. inhale death. But. We haven't left the house in days it seems. Take the dose. So I keep my mouth shut. It's become like routine now. Sleep. she's more beautiful than you will ever be. especially with your tongue jammed down my throat. I try to imagine it's her I'm making love to and not some monster whose touch makes my skin crawl. We're not that hungry anyways. I hate you so much. Still. 8 and decomposed tissue. I love her.. Take one for the team. don't we? Oh the bittersweet smell of morphine and a slight dash of fentanyl.

Back to the way things were. “Come over here. 9 It gets me through it though.” It's so much easier to cook up with a helper. I'm so weak. I know what you would say. My body won't move. Physically I'm numb. You know I do.. well. you know. “Just one more hit. and one to hold the lighter.. The high is leaving. For me it's like.. Can we? Please?' I beg to myself. but my mind is constantly screaming. 'I want to go back. it's kind of like I'm one of those psychos in the mental ward. Not inside. 'Best ways to cook heroin and smoke it. But in my mind is a deep cesspool of sadistic thoughts and horrific pain bordering on twisted pleasure. You just won't let it end.. So you were kind and compromised. peaceful. It's like candy to you. And I'm crying. But we're not really.one to smoke. I hate needles too much. sure.' You wanted to shoot it up. Okay?” The sex was over. The ultimate high. and I'm falling back into a place I don't want to be again.With Eyes Closed. and suddenly I realize. so I can't hate it entirely.. You know this because your clever little self looked it up online. Just google. Am I really that high? You're back on the floor again. I want this to be over. Straight through the veins and to the brain. you're right.\ It's a long process. and your that heartless nurse making her rounds with tiny plastic cups of routine medication to keep us. It keeps the reality of the whole thing in check. brewing up another round. I need your help. God. I remember. I look up and realize I'm shaking again. . baby. There is no release. my mouth won't open. Am I a victim? Or a hypocrite? Either way. Probably better than I do. One more. But it's worth it to you. But I couldn't.. and then I swear it's all over. and I hadn't noticed. uncontrollably. We go through the steps again. it's the only thing that works these days. you know? Yeah.

. Your head falls back. 10 We start with our five by five piece of material. loving. It must be raining. We finally got the timing perfect. and I grip the lighter tight.. Oh God. It was once a glowing red... and the countdown starts. Release..Two. Five. Above me. not glass because it takes too long to heat and cool. We don't want to drop it again. and the foil loose but secure..Four. I wouldn't know. With your precious drug.... The night you killed us both. And black is now your color. “Okay. It was raining then too. Gotta love the internet.With Eyes Closed. Houston. The knife was your paintbrush and somehow you've changed the color on the canvas. we are a go.. Blast off.One. all the windows are closed. Last time we spent an hour eying every last thread of carpet for another tiny morsel of solace. I want to feel it on my face again.. “Okay. I get like this every time.. I remember the night you killed her. Black hair. Your masterpiece.Three. You carefully place a tiny piece of the beast in the center. like a knife cutting away all life.. I miss the rain.” You inhale and the smoke rises in a beautiful gray stream that shoots straight to your lips. How did it come to this? How did I let this happen? Oh. I can hear a soft patter on the roof.. passionate. Foil is perfect because it heats and cools almost instantaneously.. Light it. This is your creation.” You say. Less waste. Mom would be so proud. now it's an undaunted black.. My lips feel dry and my tongue practically hangs out of my mouth when I watch you feel what I can't wait to feel again. I'm cut off from the outside and it's been this way for so long.. I remember.. .. and I'm actually jealous.aluminum foil.

Black Heart. and I let you. even with eyes closed. Black skirt. freezing on impact.. For a moment I'm free. Behind my lids my eyes convulse and all around us things that I can't see are moving. This is all real. I see you through every closed window. I can never change what we've become. This is no dream.. My everything. A single eager tear finally falls past my cheek and lands on your hand. She's dead. Somehow you've forced yourself like a wedge into my soul. I slip in and out of consciousness and each time feeling closer and closer to the terrible truth. in this house that's not my own. I'll never get her back. and ever will be. Your color. but there's no escaping the inevitable.. all I see is you. in the corners of every single room I walk through. She's gone. I'm stuck here in this dark room. lit by one single candle because you claim the light hurts your eyes. slipping back into your world. Black. . You've won. You are all that I am now. Further proof that you're a monster. You killed her. For the life of me. I take the hit.With Eyes Closed. You are my world now. and this is my punishment. and close my eyes. You've slowly stolen all the hues from my world. 11 Black lipstick.. The shadows consume me in every pore and now.

.With Eyes Closed.. . 12 .

. 13 .With Eyes Closed..

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