I dedicate this book to my wife Gerri, my dad Stan, my mother Debbie, my children Jake, Robbie, Heather, and Robin, my extended family the Goetz family, and my faithful dog Smokey. All these people and others have helped me through life s toughest times with the help of humor. The following jokes and pieces of wit were gathered from e-mails and links sent to me from family and friends when I needed a lift and a reminder not to take life to seriously. I wish I could acknowledge each and every person responsible for the humor but the authors were not made available to me. I take no credit at all for the originality of any of these pieces of humor.


Table of Contents
Politics Explained ..................................................................................................................................... 3 What Starts With an F and ends with a K ........................................................................................... 4 How to write a paper in college/university:.............................................................................................. 6 Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes ...................................................................................................................... 8 Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant ............................................................................................. 9 Before and After Marriage ..................................................................................................................... 10 Stella Awards ......................................................................................................................................... 11 Fruit can be Dangerous .......................................................................................................................... 13 Facts of life ............................................................................................................................................ 14 Abstain from Sex ................................................................................................................................... 14 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn .............................................................................................. 15 More One-Liners... ................................................................................................................................. 16 Toilet Wisdom ....................................................................................................................................... 17 Great quotes by comedians ................................................................................................................... 18 Funniest Joke in the World .................................................................................................................... 20 Air Traffic Controller Talk ....................................................................................................................... 21 Cute Jokes ............................................................................................................................................. 23 A few More ......................................................................................................................................... 37 What to do With Baby ........................................................................................................................... 38 More of the Same .................................................................................................................................. 53 Hollywood Squares Questions and answers from the classic game show............................................... 54 Drunk? You know you're a heavy drinker... ........................................................................................... 56 True Baseball Injuries These are true injuries suffered by baseball players. ........................................... 57 Daffynitions If you've got another, send it to me! ................................................................................. 60 Pickup Lines Some of the best pickup lines around! .............................................................................. 65 Amazing Useless Facts (and the actual facts) ...................................................................................... 69 Why I Will Never Have a Girlfriend......................................................................................................... 74 Allright America ..................................................................................................................................... 78 Whats not to like ................................................................................................................................... 79 Smarter than You? ................................................................................................................................. 80 Accident Reports ................................................................................................................................... 81 2

Blonde Jokes.......................................................................................................................................... 82 More simple jokes ................................................................................................................................. 83 And then the fight started ................................................................................................................... 84 The Real Meaning of Words (from my daughter) ........................................................................... 86 Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel ............................................................................ 100 20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity ................................................................................. 101 19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn ....................................................................................... 103 Official Apology Notice ........................................................................................................................ 104 TECHNICAL SUPPORT ........................................................................................................................... 105 Just a few more Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom .......................................................................... 106 Dating in the 60s.................................................................................................................................. 110 More Signs .......................................................................................................................................... 111 Patient Charts ...................................................................................................................................... 117 Comments On Patient Charts: .............................................................................................................. 118 Murphy s Laws .................................................................................................................................... 118 Love Laws ............................................................................................................................................ 120 Little Old Lady ...................................................................................................................................... 122 When you R in deep shi* ..................................................................................................................... 122 ONE LINERS THAT YOU DON T WANT 2 FORGET .................................................................................. 122

Politics Explained
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Brooks. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" 4 . Then it takes both. but the government takes all the milk. Your neighbors help you take care of them. She agreed. "Harry. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. Brooks had had enough.PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. The teacher asked. Ms. You have to take care of them. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. what's your problem?" Harry answered. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Brooks he would give the boy a test. The government takes both and drafts you. What Starts With an F and ends with a K A first-grade teacher. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. and you all share the milk. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Then it pays you not to milk them. CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you. shoots one. was having trouble with one of her students. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. While Harry waited in the outer office. She took Harry to the principal's office. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. The principal told Ms.

Brooks asks. delicious and contains thin. 5 ." Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. Brooks says to the principal. Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C. Harry replied. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up.Harry: "9. "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry." Ms. Ms. a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open." Ms. I got the last seven questions wrong. "Let me ask him some questions." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher. after a moment: "Legs. Brooks and tells her. Ms. is hairy. whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut. ends with a T. "Bubble gum. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. The principal was trembling." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36. oval. The principal looks at Ms. "Put Harry in the fifth-grade. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms." The principal and Harry both agreed.

While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it. Check your email. 10. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. Check your email. the world at large. comfortable chair in a clean. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). well lit place. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?! 14. Check your email. 9. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. the college. Check your email. the course. 5. Check your email. 8. 7. You know. to make certain you understand it. 2. 15.How to write a paper in college/university: 1. 12. 6. Read over the assignment carefully. 16. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa. 4. (ie summer plans). 6 . 13. 11. Sit in a straight. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. 3. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof. comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer. You've probably run out. 19. When you get back to your room. sit in a straight. 18. 17. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. Just to get settled down and ready to work.

23. 25. Check out bored. 35. 29.start hacking on the paper without stopping. 32. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on has been updated yet. 24. Check your email. You should be rebooting by now. Punch the wall and break something. Check your email. 37. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. probably haven't started either. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z. 34. 38. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. Check to see if bored. Play some solitare (or age of legends!). just for heck of it. Mumble obscenities. 27. Read over the assignment one more time. 7 . 36. 22. assuming that windows is crashing on schedule. Lie face down on the floor and 31. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper. 6am -paper is finished. 26. Wash your hands.20. 21. Call up a friend to see how much they have done. 30. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. Ask who everyone is. 28. 5am . 33.

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes 8 .

so I outrank you. without missing a beat. "Well. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo. he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly. so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground. sweet-cheeks." On his trip back up the aisle." She calmly turned her head and said. so lovely people. Tray up. in my country I'm called a Queen. that would be super. "In my country. I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." 9 .Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant. As the plane prepared to descend. if you could just put your trays up." To which the flight attendant replied. who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. Bitch.

Before and After Marriage 10 .

Scratch. 5TH PLACE : Terrence Dickson. Go ahead. he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson. the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Texas was awarded $80... they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. of Bristol. So keep your head scratcher handy. 11 .S. days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food. Worse.000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Forced to sit for eight. of Los Angeles. the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500.500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. scratch. Amazingly. garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14. Pennsylvania. grab your head scratcher. 19.. Arkansas. Grrrrr . Keep scratching.. We should all have this kind of anguish. these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that .. he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict. Here are the Stella's for the past year: 7TH PLACE : Kathleen Robertson of Austin.Stella Awards It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps. considering the running toddler was her own son. California won $74. 4TH PLACE : Jerry Williams. EIGHT.right? That's right. count 'em.000 for his anguish. You know. 6TH PLACE : Carl Truman... she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. There are more.. of Little Rock. You remember.

oh.750. 500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. scratch. yeah.000. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit. knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. there are only two more Stellas to go. On her first trip home from an OU football game.. of Claymont.3RD PLACE : Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster . 1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please?) This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. 12 . having driven onto the freeway. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.. Oklahoma. Not surprisingly. 2ND PLACE : Kara Walton.000 PLUS a new motor home. $1. the motor home left the freeway. Go figure. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3. Merv Grazinski. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. The Oklahoma jury awarded her. Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor. of Oklahoma City. she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113. Hang in there. the jury said the night club had to pay her $12... just in case Mrs. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. plus dental expenses. scratch. are you sitting down. crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly. Mrs..50 cover charge.

Fruit can be Dangerous 13 .

The second week was terrible. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really fuck." Abstain from Sex A young couple wanted to join the synagogue. dad. prayer." the boy sobs. the young man replied sadly. hanging his head. admitted the man. loud. the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. the first week was difficult.. "Well. I got the "There's no Easter Bunny' speech. the father asks what's wrong. I got the "There's no Santa' speech. You must abstain from sex for one whole month". we managed to abstain. the Rabbi told them. the third week was unbearable. "When I was six. "Promise me you won't tell me"! Confused. you hit me with the "There's no tooth fairy' speech. the Rabbi inquired. "Oh.anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our synagogue". One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. "I don't want to know"! the child says. bursting into tears.. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat". However..Facts of life A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. However. said the young man. 14 . we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. We tried cold showers. I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either". "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month". The Rabbi asked him what happened. shamefacedly. "We know". The couple agreed. reading from the Bible. When the Rabbi ushered them into his office. At seven. It was lustful. I'll have nothing left to live for. "We have a special requirement for new member couples. but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the synagogue.. The Rabbi lowered his head and said sternly.. When I was eight. passionate sex. "You are back so soon. but with the use of prayer. When she bent over to pick it up. Is there a problem"?.

7. 4. the reason why the human race has not achieved. The one thing that unites all human beings. deep down inside. and never will achieve. There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. is that. somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. Never lick a steak knife. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad. A person who is nice to you. who created the entire universe with all of its glories. 17. Very often. 5. He WILL NOT use. 19. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 16. If you had to identify.Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. decides to deliver a message to humanity. its full potential. but rude to the waiter. Just get up and dance. regardless of age. is not a nice person. 12. 15. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 14. we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. No matter what happens. 2. 10. there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. You should not confuse your career with your life. religion. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. that individual is crazy. And when God. 15 . in one word. 13. 3. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. 18. gender. That time is age 11. Nobody cares if you can t dance well. Your friends love you anyway. 11. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. that word would be meetings . as His messenger. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. economic status or ethnic background. 6. 9.

If Barbie is so popular. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. you're in the wrong lane. why do you have to buy her friends? If you ain't makin' waves. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.they're the only culture some people have. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. you have obviously overlooked something. Eagles may soar. but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.. Everyone has a photographic memory. meet interesting people. Join the Army. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 16 . If I worked as much as others. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I love defenseless animals. kill them. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Early bird gets the worm. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. I would do as little as they. but the second mouse gets the cheese. you ain't kickin' hard enough! Support bacteria .More One-Liners. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. especially in a good gravy. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.. When everything's coming your way. Some don't have film. If everything seems to be going well.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. do both.Rest stop off Route 81. it would be illegal. Bozeman. Toilet Wisdom Friends don't let friends take home ugly men. DE. Texas No wonder you always go home alone. . it's not. "How high are you?" it's "Hi. Washington. how are you?" . Duke University. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Black holes are where God divided by zero. -Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Hell. -Sign over mirror in Men's restroom. Starboard. --Women's restroom. Durham. Linda's Bar and Grill.Perkins Library. -Men's Room. Ed Debevic's. Chapel Hill.Revolution Books. . -Women's restroom. Flagstaff. No matter how good she looks. New York Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. Remember. Montana A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles. West Virginia. never opened. -Men's restroom. not war.Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Beverly Hills. DC It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. New York. North Carolina. If voting could really change things. Only used once. Murphy's. some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. The Filling Station. North Carolina Make love. Dewey Beach. Dallas. Arizona. -The Irish Times. get married! -Women's restroom. CA Beauty is only a light switch away. IL 17 . you're going to have trouble with it. small stain. Dick's Last Resort. Champaign.Wear short sleeves .

" --Bobcat Goldthwait "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson "I have six locks on my door all in a row." --Conan O'Brien "I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. they are always locking three." --Bob Ettinger "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. smoke a joint. they should give you two weeks' notice. they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." "Relationships are hard. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. take a hit of acid. they should have to find you a temp. It's like a full-time job. and before they leave you. in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. When I go out. and we should treat it like one." --Elayne Boosler "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" --John Mendoza "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a --Steven Wright second. put down the video camera and come help me. -Men's restroom Great quotes by comedians "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police. I lock every other one.' " --Paula Poundstone "In elementary school. I said.Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. They look so nice on the pumpkin. That's where I wake up." --Kevin Meaney "My mom said she learned how to swim. It makes them soggy and hard to light. 'Mom." --Winston Spear 18 . and run to my sister's house and ask her for money. There should beseverance pay. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you. -The Janitor What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. That's how she learned how to swim.

One day. buddy. I've got the toe clippers right here. could we talk about me just a little bit?" --Garry Shandling "I think that's how Chicago got started. 'Help me.' You know. put me out. You get past me. They freak out and yell." --Paul Rodriguez still 19 . very pretty. Also pretty lucky for them. I'm on fire." --Ron Richards "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. Looks like a dog that is far away. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there." --Billiam Coronell "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Steven Wright "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. Pretty impressive. There's a waste of dog food. 'Gee. Corkscrews. 'Whoa." --David Letterman "Chihuahua. me. Let's go west. but he likes to give me advice. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot.'" --Richard Jeni "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. me. Me." --Lily Tomlin "The Swiss have an interesting army. 'Come on. Five hundred years without a war. A bird came up. I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty. and all she talked about was herself. a blond I think. Bottle openers. he took me aside and left me there. A bunch of people in New York said. I hold them above globes. but I should have been more specific."Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Back off." --Lily Tomlin "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. the guy in back of me. but it just isn't cold enough. I'm way too high!' " --Bruce Baum "I met a new girl at a barbecue. he's got a spoon." --Rita Rudner "I always wanted to be somebody.'" --Jerry Seinfeld "I planted some bird seed. I don't know." --Sue Murphy "My grandfather's a little forgetful. her hair was on fire.' Come on. let's go. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Another Runner Up: 20 ." There is a silence. jackass?" And Still Another Runner Up: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. the hunter says. and bows down in prayer." Amazing .. we were married 35 years. now what?" Runner Up: PATIENT: "Doctor. "That driver just insulted me!" The man says. I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum. You are truly a kind man. First. you have completely ruined my life. "Yeah. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed." The other man replies. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. closes his eyes..where are you from. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. soothing voice replies: "Take it easy." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down." Another Runner Up: A patient says." One More Runner Up: TEXAN: "Where are you from?" HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions. then a shot is heard." Still Another Runner Up: A man and a friend are playing golf one day. She says to a man next to her. Oh my God."Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize. He stops in mid-swing. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow." --Lynda Montgomery Funniest Joke in the World Funniest Joke in the World: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead. "OK." DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that. takes off his golf cap.I could be eating a slow learner. I can help.. well. last night I made a Freudian slip. Back on the phone. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. let's make sure he's dead. "Doctor. fuming. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm. I'll hold your monkey for you." TEXAN: "OK .

jackass?" And Still Another Runner Up: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. Tower: "Delta 351." The dog replied. upside down." TWA 2341: "We are at 35. Woof. Woof. "That driver just insulted me!" The man says. She says to a man next to her. for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees. "But that would make no sense at all!" One More Runner Up: TEXAN: "Where are you from?" HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price. underwater. Woof.Another Runner Up: When NASA first started sending up astronauts. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog. Woof. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. you have traffic at 10 o'clock. "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down. NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity. Woof. The Russians used a pencil. "There are only nine words here. fuming." TEXAN: "OK . Woof. To combat the problem.When NASA first started sending up astronauts. "But that would make no sense at all!" Air Traffic Controller Talk These conversations are said to be real. Last Runner Up: A dog went to a telegram office. have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" 21 ." Amazing .where are you from. upside down. Woof. Woof. NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity. took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. underwater. 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" Tower: "TWA 2341. Woof. Woof. "There are only nine words here. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir. Woof. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price. To combat the problem. Last Runner Up: A dog went to a telegram office." The dog replied. Woof. I'll hold your monkey for you. Woof. Woof. Woof.000 feet. they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. The Russians used a pencil.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and 22 . Eastern 702 switching to Departure.. Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." the humbled crew responded..From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting. "Ah. They.. she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you. make a right at the lights and return to the airport.. turned around. call sign Speedbird 206. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored. the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. contact Departure on frequency 124. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot. Roger. "The dreaded seven-engine approach. but how to get there without any assistance from them. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven. three miles. we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.. a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following -Lufthansa (in German): "Ground." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop." Tower: "Eastern 702. Naturally. cleared for takeoff. but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." United 329: "Approach. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747." the fighter pilot remarked. Some quickwitted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said. behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.7" Eastern 702: "Tower. cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702. US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes. when I tell you. make a hard right turn at the end of the runway. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751. while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. not only expect one to know one's gate parking location. "What a cute little plane." A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English. If you are not able. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D.7. it is alleged. rolled out. By the way. and how I tell you! You got that. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. I've always wanted to say this: I've got the little Fokker in sight. in Germany." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two." Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. if you are able. flying a German airplane. contact Departure on frequency 124." Tower: "Continental 635. not stupid!" Tower: "United 329 heavy. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635. Ground: "Speedbird.. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." Allegedly. and I didn't land. ma'am. The DC-8 landed. take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101. screaming: "US Air 2771. twice in 1944. one o'clock." Ground: "Speedbird 206. have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes." Allegedly. came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew. but it was dark. cleared for takeoff. not about to let the insult go by." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German. I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206. Ground. and taxied back past the Cherokee. and yes. your traffic is a Fokker. do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by." A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked. eastbound. the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" Cute Jokes A plethora of cute. I can never remember the word. The doctor substituted borscht.that way things can only get better. (thanks to Eric Snyder) People from New York are called New Yorkers. I couldn't put it down! (thanks to Darby) A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says. Give me the fingers.Death and Taxes. Why isn't palindrome spelled the same way backwards? A man accidentally cut off all of his fingers with a saw. I'll be at the airport." "Doctor. (thanks to Larry the K) A man got a blood transfusion. (thanks to Chris) Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. (thanks to Larry the K) What did Ernie say when his best friend asked him if he wanted some ice cream? "Sure. (thanks to Gregory Seel) Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once. Unless you are wealthy . "I couldn't pick them up!" I'm a pessimistic optimist. "Thank goodness for microsurgery. there is a man here who thinks he's invisible. short jokes for you. "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" The pharmacist asks. "Tell him I can't see him!" There are only two things that are certain in this life . (thanks to Bennett) 23 . I expect the worst . and I'll sew them back on!" The man said. Are people from Hamburg called Hamburgers? (thanks to Larry the K) Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrels it could be done." The doctor says. but the hospital ran out of blood . Who cares about the other 3%? (thanks to Chris) Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. (thanks to Rickster) I'm right 98% of the time. (thanks to Omz) There was a girl I dated in high school whose name was Becky. (thanks to Donna Reade) I tried to build a dog house. Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door. but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls.then there are Monaco and Cryogenics.keyed his microphone. "You mean aspirin?" "That's it. (thanks to Tim Moore) When my ship comes in. Bert!" (thanks to Vin Thomas) I read a book on helium once. Now his heart never skips a beet. but everyone called her "Lincoln" because all the guys took a shot at her in the balcony.

so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant "X". (thanks to Kyle) How many weeks are there in a light year? (thanks to Evets) A policeman pulled me over and said. (thanks to Evets) How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino's Pizza sign off the top. Good thing it was only a small fire. that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. (thanks to Charley) A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I should have called you yesterday!" (thanks to Sarah) If you're on a cruise. over-feds and nearly deads! (thanks to Jaime) How many men does it take to open a beer? None. we'll really be in a jam. (thanks to Shane) Patient: "Doc. "When did it start?" "When did what start?" My frosted flakes melted in the summer. Some days I think I'm Mickey Mouse. it should be open when she brings it to you. (thanks to Jen'fer) Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. "You should really ask a psychic!" (thanks to Nguyen Matos) Light travels faster than sound. Police suspect a copycat killer. some of us would have never been born! (thanks to Levi) If you get mono twice. (thanks to Hop) If we ever figure out how to preserve people. Without them." Patient: "What's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live.How do you write zero in Roman numerals? (thanks to Evets) If blind people wear dark glasses. (thanks to Gary) I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them that I'm psyhic. you have to help me. (thanks to Nguyen Matos) I slept through the alarm this morning. why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? (thanks to Evets) Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? (thanks to Evets) I got tired of treasure hunting. (thanks to Evets) The things that come to those who wait are actually the things that were left by those who got there first! (thanks to Evets) Can bald people get a hairline fracture? (thanks to Charley) Mistakes are made from time to time. some days I think I'm Donald Duck" Doctor: "How long have you had these Disney spells?" I'm a big sports fan. I have a memory problem!" The doctor says. (thanks to Kyle) 24 . you're with newlyweds. (thanks to Hop) Doctor: "I have good news and bad news. isn't that stereo? (thanks to Charley) "Doctor. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said. I keep the athletes cool while they're playing.

and he was visibly shaken. (thanks to Gregory Sawler) My new workout plan is working! I'm benching 310 now." The doctor says.Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest? (thanks to PapaDog65) Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer? (thanks to Evets) Another way to say "water" is H2O. (thanks to Charley) Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. j. (thanks to Victor) My friend is dieting. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night.. so I bought an anchor." Two fish are in a tank.7 .6. I think I'm a bell. give me a ring. if they don't work. i. (thanks to Charley) 25 . The color ran from Bush's face. The last thing I need to worry about is my anxiety disorder. "Take these pills. "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" (thanks to George C) Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. The doctor comes in and says. but only three are beautiful. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention. but it's hereditary. (thanks to Charlie Mickle) If vampires have no reflection." The panic-striken man says. (thanks to Patrick) A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. how do they have such neat hair? (thanks to Evets) I have three beautiful children. You're going to die in 10. and I thought. "I have bad news. (thanks to Evets) I saw a homeless person getting off a bus." (thanks to Ben) I may look stupid. "How does he know which stop is his?" (thanks to Charley) I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese. One says the other. (thanks to Kyle) A cemetery raised its costs. k. my back ended up smelling funny. I have four children. It sounds fancy.whenever the weights are free. "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?" The doctor says.. there is a clock on the oven. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld.8 . n and o. m. (thanks to Charley) "Did your deaf aunt make it to her hearing?" "No. Or maybe 3:15 . (thanks to Evets) How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. He says weight gain is due to water retention. she was impaired!" (thanks to Kevin Beaudoin) Last time my wife gave me a foot massage. (thanks to Jim Johnson) It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. but blamed it on the cost of living.. but it's just h. "How do you drive this thing?" (thanks to Gary) My car's brakes aren't working. (thanks to Shane) "Doctor. l. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. "9 .

" (thanks to Charley) A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks. If it breaks. "OK Lady. If it isn't moving and it should be. If something is moving and it shouldn't be. (thanks to Travis) When French people swear. "Sit in the waiting room. Patient: "Doctor. but I'm not sure how to pronounce it!" When someone hits you in the face. 1852 and 1921. are these my brains?" His mother says. I had to say. and ends with an E. If it still doesn't move. tape it back together with the duct tape. but they were all out. I couldn't even tell who won. I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor says. Finally. (thanks to Schmidty) A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. (thanks to Kyle) I had to catch a train. The earlier arrests were made in 1799.000 aspirin. I felt better! Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them? (thanks to Shane) Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. (thanks to Cid) Doctor to patient: "I'd tell you what your condition is. now . "Not yet. (thanks to LarryNewParts) How do they get the "Keep off the grass" sign on the grass? (thanks to Victor) Silence is golden. "Mommy. here's your purse back. WD40 and a hammer.I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 1. (thanks to LarryNewParts) There are 3 essential tools: duct tape. (thanks to Kyle) 26 . I'll deal with you later. After the first two. "What's the password?" I told him. the guy at the door asked me. That way the swelling is even! (thanks to Charley) I went to a ballet once. but duct tape is silver. do they say "Pardon my English"? (thanks to Shane) "Doctor. (thanks to Kyle) I have a Master's Degree in Engineering. "Aren't you supposed to know that?" (thanks to Kyle) How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine? It's the one with the teeth marks. (thanks to Victor) Life begins when you're born. use WD40." (thanks to Scott Rogers) Saturn is the richest planet." I ran five miles today. so I got a really big'll have to be a little patient!" I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall. you can tell by all the rings. "Make me one with everything!" (thanks to Steve) Overweight is something that just snacks up on you. hit it with a hammer. duct tape it. (thanks to Schmidty) I joined a secret club. something is wrong! I'm shrinking!" Doctor: "Now. I told the owner I'll return in in two days. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. turn the other cheek.

To work at Starbucks. (thanks to Gary) A man waited two months to have an appointment with his doctor. Please lie down on the couch.Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. (thanks to Ward) How do you find an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.because I think they're stealing from us. (thanks to Shar) What sound does a cat make when it's on fire? Whooosh! (thanks to Jake M." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. The doctor says. He was playing "On the Road Again". (thanks to Mike O'Rourke) Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now. I sat in line at the drive through window. "That's where I was brought up!" (thanks to Piemann) How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? Ask him for his autograph. The plump employee opens the window and says. (thanks to LarryNewParts) You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes! Why can't a pony sing? Because it's a little horse. (thanks to James) A woman discovers an intruder in the kitchen eating the leftover steak and kidney pie. The husband asks. Interesting. Never moon a werewolf. "Should I call the police or an ambulance?" (thanks to James) Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick. gray and can't climb trees? A parking lot.) What's big. I think I'm a dog. should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte? (thanks to Charley) Man: "Doctor. "I wish you had seen me sooner!" Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It's okay as long as they don't get in the habit. (thanks to Madge) Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle. (thanks to Joey) What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas. "I'm our landlord." (thanks to Gerry) 27 . "Sorry about the weight!" (thanks to Gregory Sawler) My wife and I were told we couldn't have children . One says to the other. (thanks to Trent) A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. and leave the well alone! What does Snoop Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-Otch. I can't see you anymore. (thanks to Jessica) Two buckets of vomit were walking down the street." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!" I videotape my children a lot .

how could I be alive at 150? Duct tape is like "the force". When we got home. (thanks to Brandi) In high school. Ring the doorbell and run. It has a light side and a dark side. All of our games were rained out. The mascot would dance around before each game. 28 .and we went to the jewelry store. If you die in an elevator. We got caught. and he certainly didn't buy it. (thanks to Gary) I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel. be sure to push the up button. (thanks to Dermy) Is Visine. there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. he hates that! (thanks to Brett Jones) How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard. I took him shopping. The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first. A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Are board games supposed to make you bored? (thanks to Matt) If you line up all the cars in the world end to end. I didn't buy it. (thanks to Evets) Why shouldn't you play poker in the savannah? There might be a cheetah. I love kids! Let's exchange recipes. In high school. my school team was the "Fighting Indians". I was in the French club. and it holds the universe together.) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. We were just playing golf. (thanks to Travis) I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. he had a candy bar in his a site for sore eyes? (thanks to Jesterr) I've told you a million times not to exaggerate! (thanks to Sam Hight) One time when my son was 3 years old. A tax is a fine for doing well. so we marched back to the mall . (thanks to Jake M. I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils? (thanks to Sullikr) What goes around a button? A billy goat. The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. When the chips are down. When I was younger. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club. but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. the buffalo is empty. Don't go knocking on heaven's door.

the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. but then I realized I'm God. I don't go to those meetings. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing. It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them. Smoking is a dying art. Men are like parking spaces . To err is human. (thanks to Evets) I used to be an atheist. They get all the answers wrong. "What was that all about?" The first dog replies. Death is hereditary. I like my women how I like my coffee. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. Lead me not into temptation.I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. not an alcoholic. hot. "Just checking my messages!" I don¶t believe in spanking my kids. I can find it myself. Animal testing is a bad idea. If bald people get hit on the head. What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you? Two dogs are walking down the street. A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are. (thanks to Evets) You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says. call it version 1. I'm a Democrat. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. I am having an out of money experience. and she had some paragraphs with me. If at first you don't succeed. to moo bovine. I had some words with my wife. "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. and then it is too late. I'm not a member of any organized political party. either full of crap or taken. strong and on the kitchen table. do they get hairline fractures? Don't look at me with that tone of voice. You never know what real happiness is until you get married. "My God! You're right! I would have never thought of that!" (thanks to Evets) Good guys are like public bathrooms. I'm a drunk. The other dog says.0! 29 . one says.

some for as long as 10-15 years. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration and Homeland Security. A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet. "Do you smell fish?" In football." I read it and it works! He wrote it with some other stupid jerk. and she got more feet. Waiter: That could very well be. Moses invests. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I put the paper bag in the wastebasket. The optometrist who got caught in the lens grinder made a spectacle of himself. (thanks to Jake) Can you find buck teeth at the dollar store? (thanks to Charley) I know a guy who has a new book coming out. If money doesn't grow on trees. I was the class trapeze artist. but needs them to drive. (thanks to Jordan) Customer: Waiter! There is a fly in my soup. One said to the other. I wasn't the class clown in school. those people are all over you.most of them came here legally. It¶s one of those self-help books. sir. When I got home. It was cheaper. It¶s called "How To Get Along With Everybody. If you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper.he won¶t wear her glasses. (thanks to Victor) Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm). so she got a dog. Two parrots sat on a perch. Can a match box? No. that's the time to do it. but a tin can. (thanks to Shane) It's always darkest before dawn. That guy is so vain . 30 . Now compare that to Blockbuster. so he got a prescription windshield. I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. (thanks to Larry the K) Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people. but they hung around on expired visas. the cook used to be a tailor.Can you play sole music with a shoe horn? (thanks to Charley) Jesus saves. but in alphabetical order as it should be. if you are two days late with a video. So I disappeared! (thanks to Charley) Men are like roses . I always wanted to stick my head in an Easy-Bake oven. I had such a terrible childhood. why do banks have branches? (thanks to Shane) My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. why does the running back run forward? (thanks to Shane) You read about all these terrorists . Money flies when you're having out for the pricks! I have CDO.

but lived in a mobile home . but he was trying to pull my leg." Mario Andretti recently retired from race car driving. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. Then he created woman. There are 10 types of people in this world. In football. (thanks to Shane) They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work. "Doc. Do pyromaniacs wear blazers? (thanks to Shane) I had a conversation with a guy who could talk your arm off. a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children. too. Then God said. She thought she was God.he threw me out into the middle of a lake! Learning to swim that way wasn't easy. because he's getting old. I enjoy every minute of it. It's probably the mittens. (thanks to Hop) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. and I find it much more personal and sincere. (thanks to Shane) What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. My father taught me to swim the hard way . but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag! There was a doctor. and St. If you were under house arrest.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. "I can do better". Peter says. "It's Not Unusual." The lawyer steps up." God created man. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. and I didn't." "Is it common?" The doctor says. That's a good thing.If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache. and St. "You can go in on a trial basis. St. Green Grass of Home. Those that understand binary. and those that don't. why does the running back run forward? (thanks to Shane) If you don't pay your exorcist. but only for 3 days. Peter says to the doctor. What's the difference between one yard and two yards? A could still go wherever you wanted. I can't stop singing 'The Green. But giving the finger is free. "You can enter. do you get repossessed? (thanks to Shane) An old person is like a Slinky: Not really good for anything. (thanks to Atom) Obey gravity! It's the law. I don't suffer from insanity. but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. (thanks to Amanda) The constipated composer couldn't finish his last movement. (thanks to Shane) I know a guy who can't hold his liquor during the winter months." 31 ." The HMO director is next in line. Peter says."You can go on in.

in a 24 hour period. and said. It's hell to get old. "Well. The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman. but all the horse manure. don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed." She was only the Stableman's daughter. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom! How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers. Bill Clinton liked Monica's dress from the moment he spotted it. which creates. actually. (thanks to Matt) A doctor says to a patient. Would lactose-intolerant people go to the Non-Dairy Queen? (thanks to Charley) The meek may inherit the earth. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. 32 . "I've got good news and bad news. Do midgets get paid under the table? (thanks to Charley) I recently took up meditation. I used to sell "No Soliciting" signs door to door. (thanks to Tom) Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants. "Windy. "I think I'm going to call it a day." An old man chimed in." another woman replied. but their kids aren't much to look at. What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat. "What are you going to do now?" God said. "I've just created this spinning earth." Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town. For God's sake. A man said. "You don't hear that name every day!" She said. It beats sitting around doing nothing. alternating light and darkness!" The angel said. but she left me before we met. (thanks to Charley) If you are choking on an ice cube. God was talking to one of the angels. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!" I almost fell in love with a psychic. What do you call twin babies waiting to be born? Wombmates. on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. "It's Thursday." (thanks to Charley) A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone. isn't it?" "No. Let's go get a Coke. I do.This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad. I said. the radio was gone. why are you hanging around with athiests? (thanks to Dick) I met a woman named "Viamonte". but they'll be too humble to accept it. the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. "So am I. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg.

Two men were walking on the railroad tracks." So I opened up the box. If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around. One guy has a bright idea and marks the spot by painting an X on the bottom of the boat. "The other girls were using their hands!" My grandfather is hard of hearing. "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow says. He needs to read lips. and found an excellent spot. You can't sing while playing a clarinet. There was a ship that ran aground. and these low handrails are killing my back. "You're stupid. okay. "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!" He got a BMW because he wanted a car he could spell. and sure enough. What did the arts graduate say to the business graduate? "Do you want fries with that?" Two guys went fishing. "Yeah. and I¶m thinking. He was arrested for rustling. "What do I care. 33 . His wife says.One cannibal says to another. I don¶t mind him reading lips. I'm a helicopter!" I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. "This is the longest stairway I've ever seen!" The other guy says." I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. here¶s a gal who¶s capable of making a decision she¶ll regret in the future. What is green and skates? Peggy Phlegm. It's the Picabo ICU. One says to the other. The other guy says. "I hate my mother-in-law. I see a woman with a tattoo. It's a good thing I didn't catch more. is the answer on the back of the shirt? (thanks to Charley) A woman came in last in the 100 yard breaststroke at the local swim meet.. One says to the other. The police have nothing to go on. I figure the fish cost me about $400 each. I couldn't afford them. but he uses a yellow highlighter. A guy escapes from prison and goes home. She later complained. I went on a fishing trip. but only caught three fish. The crew was marooned! All the toilets were stolen out of the police station. Two cows were talking to one another in Washington. What if we come back and don't get the same boat?" There was a cowboy dressed completely in brown paper. If you wear a "Guess" shirt. is he still wrong? I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken.." Would a police van filled with prisoners that collides with a cement truck result in hardened criminals? (thanks to Charley) The other cannibal passed his mother in the woods. There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. it was filled with red paint.

(thanks to Evets) There was a knock on the door. and I'll give you $100". it's a Mercedes. and I answered it. "I will give you countless riches now if you give me your eternal soul and the souls of all your family. All pants are half off. fall in love and get married. but all that was there was a snail." The first restaurant on the moon isn't doing very well." The man says. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great. she gets a new name and a dress. One says "I've lost my electron. really heavy." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. the homeless guy knocks on the door and says. because he's really." I dated a lawyer until she said. What did Ray Charles say when someone gave him a cheese grater? "This is the most violent book I have ever read!" A man goes to a doctor and says. They're all Targets. I opened the door and it was the snail again. "I can make it last longer if you'd like. I swallowed a pool ball!" The doctor says. Two antennas meet on a roof." (thanks to Erica) Why does a drummer keep his drumsticks on the dashboard? So he can park in the handicapped spots. There are no Wal-Marts in Iraq. I am a kleptomaniac. but no atmosphere. "Stop. "What's the catch?" Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink. I was getting tired of the Chablis. iron this. you've seen a mall. Two weeks later. "I'm all done. If a woman gets married.A guy says to a dentist." 34 . A woman says to a man. I picked it up and threw it into the street. "Make me feel like a real woman. "Here. "Doctor." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No. Later in the day." There is a sale in the men's department. and/or I'll slap your face!" A man thinks he'll be charitable and says to a homeless man. "What was that all about?" A lawyer meets the devil. "That's great. "I'm sorry. "Well. The devil says. "I'm positive. "There's a case of syphilis in the convent!" Mother Superior says." The lawyer says. you'll have to get back to the end of the queue. By the way. "My dog is cross-eyed. let's have a look at him." A nun says to Mother Superior. When you've seen one shopping center. another knock on the door. Two hydrogen atoms meet." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says. "$90 to pull a tooth? That's only about one minute's work!" The dentist says. "Paint my porch out back. but when it gets really bad I take something for it. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says. The snail says. It's got great food.

"Dad. but I should have been more specific. When a clock is hungry. A will is a dead giveaway. I'm sorry. "I say. You know." Vet: "That's OK. maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. they are always locking three of them. I'm in shape. can you do my homework for me?" "No. but give it a try anyway!" Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. old boy. I lock every other one. I have six locks on my door. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you." One of my friends watches a boxing match and says "Sure. for that kind of money. "What did he have?" The other salesman says "California. My philosophy is no pain. maybe not. Man: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry. One says to the other. but anyone going faster is a maniac. I¶d fight him. Round is a shape. he's a boxer. no pain. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it. it goes back four seconds. It leaves your groin unprotected. One turns to the other and says." "Well. it's these wicker chairs. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks. Ten million dollars. Two salesmen are at another salesman's funeral. When I go out. Neither one works. have you read Marx?" The other says. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. it just wouldn't be right." I'm not into working out. Man to Veterinarian: "Every time a bell rings." Woman: "I'll miss you. Never raise your hands to your kids. A couple is lying in bed. If you don't pay your exorcist. One was assaulted.90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house." Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? I've always wanted to be somebody. At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. all in a row. "Yes. Oregon and Washington". 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? Anyone going slower than you is an idiot. There's two theories to arguing with a woman. 35 . my dog goes into the corner. you may get repossessed.

"You know... The pessimist says the glass is half empty. He uses double coupons." He then sinks in the quicksand to his death.. One complains. but he says. It only takes Tolkiens.coincidence? Why shouldn't you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn." Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat! 36 . very accurate mistakes. Two old ladies are in a restaurant. "What about the firemen and police I sent?" (thanks to Patrick) A drummer walks into a music store and says. "No. Firefighters come by and offer to help. God will help me. he asks God why he didn't save him. "No.. they offer to help.. It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to "Lost In Love" by Air Supply. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.. A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Press F1 to continue. That's the radiator." (thanks to Atom) The optimist says the glass is half full. God will help me. Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog. "I'll buy that accordion over there.. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.24 beers in a case. In heaven.. "And such small portions." Next come the police. How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None." The cashier says. Someday. the food here is just terrible. Tell me what you need. Again the man says. would you still be hungry? All computers wait at the same speed. Does fuzzy logic tickle? 24 hours in a day. If you ate pasta and antipasto. Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny. What's brown and sticky? A stick. I'll tell you how to get along without it. we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. "You must be a drummer. Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids." The other shakes her head and adds. Computers make very fast. Error: Keyboard not attached. God says. Jesus saves.

responsible for cleaning the animals¶ cages.A man's house was on fire. there were no male gorillas of the species available. and the sergeant said. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants. you have to get over here. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver¶s license. like most rednecks. we¶ve reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. Ed was approached with a proposition. The gorilla was in heat. and difficult to handle. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. Her roommate asked her if she got the job. you must never tell anyone about 37 . "When you find out come back and tell me. a part-time redneck intern.´ 2. if you wish to smoke. the park administrators noticed Ed. "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?" Why don't they take coffee breaks in Poland? It takes too long to retrain them." So the blonde went home. The man said. Within a few weeks. the pilot said.´ he said.´ A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla." The officer said. ³First. the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light µem. On a Continental Flight with a very ³senior´ flight attendant crew. The man was very frantic. She went into the station to apply. Upon examination. the park veterinarian determined the problem. "I don't know. but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. Secondly. He decided he would call the fire department." "Who shot Lincoln?" The blonde said. ³I don¶t want to have to kiss her. A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective." "What color is the sky?" The blonde answered. "4. "Chief. Ed announced that he would accept their offer. ³Ladies and gentlemen. The following day. So. "Blue. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. Ed. but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. how do we get to your house?" The man said. the park administrators thought they might have a solution. 1. "I will need to ask you a few questions. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "As a matter of fact I did. the female gorilla became very ³in the mood´. She said. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest. my house is on fire!" The Chief said. To make matters worse. you can smoke µem. but only under three conditions. and they put me on a case already!" A few More A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. ³Ladies and gentlemen. "Calm down." "What is 2+2?" The blonde said. While reflecting on their problem. µWhat does it look like?¶ she finally asked. had little sense.

´ said Ed.´ The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions.this.´ What to do With Baby 38 . ³You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500. so they asked what was his third condition. ³Well.

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" The girl exclaims. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out. The farmer shoots one. Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. "Happy Butt. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None. your name is Gladys. There are none left.A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary." Little Johnny: "Teacher." Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?" Little Johnny: "One is shot. "Happy Butt. "Honey. "Glad Ass -. the others fly away. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None. After getting off the phone. but I like the way you think.what's the difference?" More of the Same Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The girl replies. not Happy Butt. The farmer shoots one. Walking naked through the house." Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. "I don't think that's your name. can I ask a question?" 53 . so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown. she passed her husband who said." The teacher says." Teacher: "Well. he says. "My word.Happy Butt -. that isn't the correct answer." The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth." The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks. "What's your name?" The little girl says. for $250 they could've at least ironed it!" A teacher asks the new student her name.

You've been having trouble going to sleep. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. In Hawaiian. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. it sure seems that way sometimes. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. The one with the wedding ring on. It's unbelievable! How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. If you're going to make a parachute jump. One is licking. Q. Q. Q. Every year. When I was a kid. do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. but it's coming from the next apartment. According to Cosmopolitan." Little Johnny: "No. George Gobel: I don't know. George Gobel: Boy. Do female frogs croak? A.000 years. Rose Marie: No." Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. 54 . Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. wait until morning.a pea can last as long as 5. is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. What are 'Do It. at least how high should you be? A. Halloween was Halloween. And you don't care. Q. Which one is married?" Teacher: "The one sucking the cone. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it! Hollywood Squares Questions and answers from the classic game show Q." Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.' 'I Can Help. Vincent Price: No. but I like the way you think. if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive.Teacher: "Sure. It's insane.' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. True or False . Q. A. you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Q.

when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head. I'm too busy growing strawberries. Can boys join the Campfire Girls? A. Charley. What are they? A. what is the other? A. what is it? A. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is. In bowling. Q. it would never be afraid of the dark. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused. Q. When a couple have a baby. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Q. Rose Marie: Ralph. According to Ann Landers. Q. Back in the old days. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body. Q. Q. the pin boy. One is politics. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. who is responsible for its sex? A. your wife or your elephant? A. what's a perfect score? A. According to Ann Landers. 55 . What will a goose do? A. Q. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. you've just decided to grow strawberries. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Peter. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh. Q. Charley Weaver: His feet. I'm always safe in the bedroom. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. what would you give birth to? A. the rest is up to him. what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Q. is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. If you were pregnant for two years. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. but it certainly isn't neglected. During a tornado. what was he trying to do? A. As you grow older. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. Paul. Charley Weaver: Of course not.Q.

she's not in a hurry. He is a public spirited person. In bars across the nation. Now he's a skinny drunk. she buys a bottle of whisky. he gets time and a fifth. not the cold.Drunk? You know you're a heavy drinker. She never plays "Spin the Bottle". That's the only way she gets there. He does them in fifths. he'd be on a liquid diet. When she comes back from lunch. If he could stay there. He's the nicest guy on two feet. When she catches a cold. She doesn't mind. When he's working overtime. He's got a lot of willpower. He's not one to do things halfway. She's not sure if it's the eighth or ninth drink. He only drinks on days ending in "Y". She won't let go of it! His nickname is "Truck" because he always has a load on. He deducts his booze costs because he drinks to others' health so often. That's why she drinks it so fast. Occasionally. she tries to drink it. it's gone. 56 . In no time. He believes in a balanced diet. If it wasn't for pretzels. (thanks to Shane) She hates the sight of liquor... she's one of the unsteadiest customers. She knows that alcohol is a slow poison. She's getting so high she's soon going to need a net under her. It only takes one drink to make her drunk. She only drinks when she has company or is alone. she's so loaded she has to take the freight elevator. He's on the drinking man's diet. When there is a nip in the air. He drinks spirits in public. a drink in each hand. He's finally given up trying to stop drinking. she is held up going home. The whisky. however.

a large patch of skin also came off. The story is that he tied his shoes too tight.True Baseball Injuries These are true injuries suffered by baseball players. Reliever Joey Eischen broke his arm jumping into the air to field a ground ball. Pitcher Greg Harris suffered a strained elbow flipping sunflower seeds while sitting in the bullpen.while removing his socks after a game. trying to get the people in the next room to be quiet. (OK. Utility infielder Bret Barberie missed a game because he mistakenly rubbed chili juice in his eyes. Pitcher Adam Eaton stabbed himself in the stomach as he was using a knife to open a DVD wrapper. 57 . He was apparently too close to the mirror. Shortstop Rey Quinones wasn't available as a pinch hitter as he was in the clubhouse playing Nintendo. Reliever Larry Anderson strained a rib muscle jumping from the bench to join a brawl. Reliever Randy Flores was put on the disabled list . Pitcher Ricky Bones injured his lower back getting out of a chair while watching television in the clubhouse. Catcher Brent Mayne missed an entire month in the 2002 season because he turned his head to check traffic as he was crossing the street . Pitcher Byron McLaughlin cut his right hand when he was practicing his windup in his hotel room. it's not an injury. Third baseman Randy Johnson strained his back putting on his socks. DH Mickey Tettleton went on the disabled list with athlete's foot. Sammy Sosa was disabled after a violent sneeze. Outfielder Dustan Mohr strained his groin while trying to get out of the dugout for a celebration for another player's home run. Pitcher Steve Foster injured his shoulder at a taping of a segment for "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno". Shortstop Clint Barmes fell down some stairs and broke his collarbone. Pitcher Randy Veres injured his hand pounding on the hotel room wall. but it's pretty funny!) Pitcher Mark Smith was injured when he stuck his hand into an air conditioner to see why it wasn't working. Pitcher Jeff Juden missed a start because a tattoo he got prior to the season opener got infected.and wrenched his back. He was unable to break his fall because he was cradling a package of venison given to him from teammate Todd Helton. Infielder Chris Brown missed a game because he "slept on his eye funny".

Shortstop Jason Bartlett tore the nail off his left pinky while sliding his hand under the television in his room at the Ritz Carlton hotel in Detroit. OK. Second baseman Jeff Kent claimed he hurt his wrist while washing his truck. Shortstop Juan Castro hurt his neck on the pillow at the same Ritz Carlton hotel in Detroit. it's not an injury. Pitcher Mike Remlinger missed 15 days because he broke his left pinky in a clubhouse recliner. Pitcher Kenny Rogers dislocated his pinky finger (on his non-pitching hand) after punching out a water cooler. Jose Cardenal missed a game because he was kept awake all night by crickets chirping in his hotel room. Infielder Paul Molitor dislocated a knuckle when it got stuck in another player's glove.Speedster Rickey Henderson allegedly missed several games in August due to frostbite. forcing him to miss the final ten days of the season.he was trying to pass the team bus at the time. Outfielder Glenallen Hill received cuts over much of his body after he fell out of bed onto a glass table. spending too much time under a tanning lamp. missed a game after his cup slipped and pinched a testicle. Kevin Mitchell also was hurt by a microwaved donut. but it's pretty funny! Wade Boggs hurt his back putting on his cowboy boots. Outfielder Marty Cordova missed a game after he burned his face. Pitcher Doc Gooden missed a start when a teammate accidentally hit him with a golf club in the locker room. Pitcher Oliver Perez went on the 15 day disabled list after breaking his toe while kicking a laundry cart in the visitor's clubhouse. Hall of Fame pitcher Phil Niekro was injured while shaking hands. Infielder Kent Hrbek sprained an ankle wrestling with a clubhouse attendant. Pitcher Rich Harden strained his shoulder turning off his alarm clock. 58 . Supposedly eating this led to his needing a root canal. Reliever Steve Sparks dislocated his shoulder while trying to tear a phone book in half. Pitcher Pascual Perez missed a game in Atlanta because he couldn't find the correct exit ramp on the freeway. Pitcher Carlos Perez broke his nose in a car accident . Pitcher Terry Mulholland scratched his eye on a feather that was sticking out of a pillow. Outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. Speculation is that he was injured in a motorcycle accident while doing tricks. Famed outfielder Kevin Mitchell strained a muscle while vomiting. He was having a nightmare about being covered in spiders.

Shortstop Bobby Crosby cracked two ribs while swinging the bat during opening day practice. Pitcher Carlos Zambrano was diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome after spending as many as five hours daily on the Internet. Future Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn missed several games because he smashed his finger in the door of his luxury car. Red Sox rookie Clarence Blethen thought he looked older and meaner if he took his false teeth out when he pitched. Nolan Ryan missed a start after being bitten by a coyote. on the way to the bank. Hall of Famer George Brett broke a toe on a chair when he was running from the kitchen to the living room to see baseball on TV. Outfielder Terry Harper separated a shoulder after high-fiving a teammate. 59 .John Smoltz burned his chest while ironing the shirt he was wearing. Pitcher Charlie Hough broke his finger shaking hands. Outfielder Oddibe McDowell sliced his hand while buttering a roll at the annual "Welcome Luncheon" held by the Texas Rangers. Pitcher David Cone missed a start because his mother-in-law's Jack Russell Terrier bit him. He forgot to put them back in his mouth when he was batting. While sliding into second base to break up a double play. Outfielder Vince Coleman missed the entire 1985 World Series after being rolled up in the tarp machine at Busch Stadium. his own teeth bit himself in the butt.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group. Barbecue: A line of people waiting for a haircut. (thanks to Victor) Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. send it to me! Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. and who was responsible. The bozone layer. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. with strings attached. Bungee Jumping: Suicide. (thanks to Daniel C) Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye. 60 . (thanks to Mike McGuire) Burglarize: What a crook sees with. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. unfortunately. shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. Boycott: Somewhere to keep male babies. Bouyant: A male insect. Aromatic: An automatic crossbow. that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed. (thanks to Ray Collins) Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. (thanks to Daniel C) Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes.Daffynitions If you've got another.

Fine: A tax for doing wrong. (thanks to Victor) Cashtration: The act of buying a house. Flusterpated: Being so flustered that words get bound up inside you. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 61 . examining it and then dropping it again to let the vacuum have another chance. picking it up.Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people. Cobra: A brasseire for conjoined twins. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living. Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. bending over. Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Carpetuation: The act of (when vacuuming) running over a piece of string at least a dozen times. Elbonics: The art of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a theatre. Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. (thanks to Bob Z) Divorce: The future tense of the word "marriage". Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way. (thanks to Victor) Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously. Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.

Myth: A female moth. Mouse Potato: The on-line. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. subdivisions. right? And then. when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes. Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. Left Bank: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does. (thanks to SuperSamuell) Monogamy: A bored game for adults. J. very high. such as fast food joints. a serious bummer.Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. Handkerchief: Cold Storage. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. Glibido: All talk and no action. (thanks to PTA) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund. Lasterday: Any day before today. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. Mistress: Somewhere between a mister and a mattress. (thanks to Zachary Robinson) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole. which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. the Earth explodes and it's like. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very. wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Instigator: What you add water to when you want an alligator. (thanks to Daniel C) 62 . The O. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. like. Karmageddon: It's like. trials were a prime example. strip malls. (thanks to Geoff Holmes) Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better. Matricide: Killing yourself on a bed.

63 . Paradox: Two physicians. Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. Usually a mother. (thanks to King Bewildered) Pharmacist:: A helper on the farm. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife. Parachute: A double barreled shotgun. Petranoid: Someone who is both petrified and paranoid. Polarize: What penguins see with.Naggravator: The person in the passenger seat who is having trouble reading the map. Out of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (thanks to Adam) Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. anyone who is helping to drive but not actually behind the wheel. Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller. Relief: What trees do in the spring. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Also. (thanks to Michele T) Namesis: A person who shares your name but is much richer and more famous than you. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Raisin: Grape with a sunburn. Porcupine: A craving for bacon. Pedestrian: A motorist with two or more children of driving age. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Perfect Pitch: What it is when you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.

Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size six. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued: Like. Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. makes a lot of noise. Two Children. and then leaves. like. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found. 404: Someone who's clueless. submarines. Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in. who works on one of those. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. craps on everything. Stalemate: An old spouse. Will: A dead giveaway." meaning that the requested document could not be located. like. Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. (thanks to Daniel C) Wrinkles: Something other people have. SITCOMs: Single Income. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed. (thanks to Jeff Dudley) Syntax: Money in the collection plate. man. Tax: A fine for doing right. Syndrome: Committing wrongdoing in the Vatican. 64 . Vocabularian: A person who makes up new words. a guy. Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government official. You have character lines. Oppressive Mortgage. Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

I have another one at home in the fridge. You stole my heart. Do I come here often? 65 . or should I walk by again? Are your pants from outer space or is your butt just out of this world? (thanks to Amanda) You're so sweet. or Scotch and Sofa? When God said.Pickup Lines Some of the best pickup lines around! Did we go to different schools together? (thanks to Arthur) Excuse me. I lost my teddy bear! Will you sleep with me tonight? (thanks to Jim Orem) Is there a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can really see myself in your pants." he created you. (thanks to Amanda) Why don't you come sit in my lap. That's OK. I'd have five cents. then how about a date? I'm glad I'm not blind! Can you please scratch my back? My arms are far too muscular for me to reach. If I got a nickel for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you. "Let there be woman. and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up. you're going to put Hershey's out of business! Would you like Gin and Platonic. Don't you know me from somewhere? Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT! I suffer from amnesia. though . but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize? What pickup line actually works on you? Do you have any raisins? Well. (thanks to Kyle) Mind if I talk to you until it's safe down there where I farted? Do you believe in love at first sight.

Are you religious? You're the answer to my prayers. Can I even get a fake number? You sure have a great looking tooth. and get a little boulder. Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump! You don't need car keys to drive me crazy. Can I buy you a drink. You look a lot like my future wife. Falling for you would be a very short trip. you make me want to go out and get a job. Don't stop! I don't usually get to see beauty in motion.. or do you just want the money? 66 . Those must be space pants. but I'm asking for only one.Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes. You're so fine. I'd better get a library card. because I'm checking you out. 'cause your butt is out of this world! I think I've just found the angel I'd like to be touched by. Can I lick that film off your teeth? Don't be so picky. Remember me? Oh. because it's everywhere I want to be. that's right. My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see around here..I wasn't! Let's go behind that rock. Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day. I've met you only in my dreams.. Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you're hot! Your body's name must be Visa. Do you know why the sky is so gray? All the blue is in your eyes.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did your heart? 67 . "What are you doing?". because I can't take them off you. You be the tree. Oh. I thought that was a Braille nametag. 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. If I told you had a beautiful body. Your daddy must be a thief. but beauty is only a light switch away. You might not be the best looking girl here.If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's. you say." There must be something wrong with my eyes. All those curves. What do you like for breakfast? Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. Without my glasses. I want to call your mother and thank her. and I'll wrap you like a Koala. That outfit would look great crumpled up on the floor at the foot of my bed.. and me with no brakes. I can't find my puppy. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo. would you hold it against me? Is it hot in here or is it just you? Do you know how to use a whip? Can you give me directions. That's so you know what to scream. (Look at his / her shirt label) When they say. "Checking to see if you were made in heaven. you couldn't pass for a female. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night? Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? My name is [your name]. you would be McGorgeous. I'm sorry. can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.. Your daddy must have been a baker. because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.

but I'll still make your bed rock. 'cause you take my breath away.If I could rearrange the alphabet. I lost my phone number. You look just like Joan Rivers. because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here! I'm no Fred Flintstone. Can I have yours? I hope you know CPR. Your name must be Daisy. I'd put U and I together. 68 .

³I am!´ they would likely wonder what you were responding to. ³South America´ and ³North America. Imagine going up to somebody and telling them ³Go!´ They would understand that you want them to leave.´ used in the imperative mode is the shortest sentence in the English language (especially because you can use body language as a compliment referring to ³there´ or ³away´). can¶t use body language like you can with ³Go´. There are more donkey related injuries than airplane deaths per year. ³Am. given the generalized definition provided. prerequire.which can be implied. nor has there ever been. because it is not a complete y More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. pepperwort. I am not the nicest blogger in the world. pirouetter. followed by the facts that contradict the ³facts´ (or at least show you why the fact isn¶t really all that amazing): y I am. ³Aphasia´ could just as easily be used here.´ is not a complete sentence. but there are no statistics. to back up more donkey related deaths.200 airplane deaths per year. y The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. try ³I go. I will probably make fun of you. What about pepperroot. ³I am. y TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.e. ³I am stupid´) . This is the latest list I received. proprietor. 69 . If you walked up to someone on the street and said. and I¶m only using the top row of keys on a QWERTY keyboard for those ones. There are roughly 1. a sentence needs a subject and a complete predicate .´ (Edit: Okay. ³What letter comes after the letter P?´. ³Go. perpetuity. repetitory? I¶m sure we can think of even more words.´ Does that need a complete sentence or is it obvious enough? y The word lethologica describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. whiz kids who think I¶m wrong. If you say it to some random stranger on the street and they think you make sense. Reference 1. In the interest of keeping my readers from being uneducated and gullible. verbatim. Reference 2. then it is probably a sentence.´ would need a compliment to turn it into a predicate (i. ³I am´ is a sentence just like ³Q´ is a sentence when used as a response . Reference 3) If you want to argue it. I¶m not going to keep repeating myself for the stupid people. so I found some references for them to go look at. repertoire. I decided to whip up this list references are linked to. If you don¶t like using modes.Amazing Useless Facts (and the actual facts) I¶m getting sick of these lists of ³amazing facts´ that are complete baloney.


A snail can sleep for 3 years.

Snails don¶t ³sleep´ - they enter a state of torpor - no brain function and the appearance of being dead. Believe it or not, I actually raised snails for a season - even got 3rd place at the Great Folsom Snail Race.

The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

The word referred to is LATIN and GREEK, not English. It is only used by a very small group of scientists, too, and would not appear in any English dictionary. But maybe they are actually trying to say it is the longest word in the world, regardless of language« a distinction that, with four more letters, already belongs to: Methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosy lglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutaminy lleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycyla lanylphenylalanylvalylprolyphenylalanYlvalythre onylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylg lutamylglutaminylsErylleucyllysylisoleucy laspartylthreonylleucylIsoleucylglutamy lalanylglycylalanylasparthlalanylleucylg lutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylalanylse Rylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylp RolylthreOnylisoleucylglutaminylasPfraginylal anylthreonylleucylarfinylalanylphenylalanylalany lalanylglycylvalythreonylprolylalanylglutaminy lcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucy lalanylleuOylisoleucylarginylglutaminy llysyhistidylprolylthreonylisoleucylproly lisoleucylglycylleucylmethionyltyrosylalany lasparaginylleucylvalylphenylalanylasparaginy llysyglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalany lthrosylalanylglutaminylcsteinylglutamyllysylva lylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylalny laspartylvalylprolylvalylglUtaminylglutamylsery lalanylprolylphenylalanylarginylglutaminylalany lalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginyvalylalany lprolylisoleucylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucy lphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalany laspartylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginy lglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycy larginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrOsylleucyl leucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreony lglycylalanylglutamYlasparainylarginylalany lalanylleucylprolylleucylasparaginylhistidy 70

lleucylValylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamy ltyrosylasparaginylalanylalanylprolylpro lylleucylglutaminylglgycylphenylalanylglycy lisoleucylserylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminy lvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalany lglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylsery lglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoIeucy lisoleucylglutamylglutaminylHistidylasparaginy liSoleucylglutamylprolylglutamyllysylmethionyl leucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanyl calylglutaminylprolylmethionlysylalanylalanylt hreonylarginylserine.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Blatantly false. Somebody must have spent too much time hanging out with a very quiet dog. Try going on YouTube and looking up ³talking dog.´ A dog can make fewer vocal sounds than a cat, but far more than ten.

Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

February 1865 did in fact have a full moon, though there was no full moon in the Februaries of 1866, 1885, 1915, 1934, 1961, and 1999. Go figure.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Almost any spice, when injected in the body, is extremely poisonous. Try shooting up some cardamom. I wonder if this was intended to imply how poisonous nutmeg is when taken in large quantities, orally? It has been shown to cause extremely intense hallucinations.

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

I don¶t know where people came up with this one. It has no basis in fact. Despite the fact that the tongue is made up of 16 seperate muscles, each fiber of a muscle, no matter where, exerts about 0.3 micronewtons of force. Gram per gram (compressed muscle), the myometrial layer in a woman¶s uterus (yes, it is a muscle) is the strongest muscle a human has.

It¶s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

I have sneezed with my eyes open. It is not natural, but it is easily done. And no, your eyeballs won¶t pop out. They even did a debunking of it on Mythbusters.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Most polar bears are right handed. The best explanation for the confusion I could find was that they use their dominant paw to cover their nose (not a likely explanation at all, however - see

comments from Des and Gryndyl), to blend in while waiting beside their prey. They catch their prey (primarily seals) by either biting their heads or swatting at them (with their left paw) to knock them onto the ice when they surface. Some of the studies on the subject can be very misleading because it appears that polar bears always attack with their left paw, but during casual interactions they revert to their right. I suspect the true reason is something along the lines of them requiring stability when attacking and thus, keeping their footing with the right paw is more effective.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

Catfish do have a lot of taste buds, but most of them do not transmit anything. They are completely non-functional. It is like bragging about having the most cars of anybody in Texas« but it is only because you own the garbage dump where they drop off wrecked cars.

Elephants are the only animals that can t jump.

First, I¶m going to assume that there was a typo here and they meant to say mammals, since fish, snakes, eels, brine shrimp, etc., can¶t jump. But even among mammals, I¶ve never heard of a hippo being able to jump. How about a guinea pig? They can barely hop with the limited joints in their back legs. Sloths? (Edit: according to some comments I¶ve received, I¶m wrong because jumping can just mean ³to be full of activity or bustling´ - just to clarify, even an elephant could have this attributed to them, despite their inability to rapidly extend their extremities in order to gain enough vertical velocity to significantly propel them from the ground. The ³fact´ I criticize here is wrong, regardless of any of these arguments.)

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

This is as true as saying gasoline is made with Stegosauruses¶ remains. Extracted peanut oil could be used to make glycerin that could be further processed to make nitroglycerin, and nitroglycerin is one of the ingredients commonly used for making dynamite, but peanuts are hardly a required ingredient.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

Pufferfish can blink. Last I checked, that was a fish - I mean, it is part of their name. Most sharks actually roll their eyes back in their head, rather than blinking, too.

Two-thirds of the world s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

New Jersey produces about 0.1% of the world¶s eggplant, by the numbers. They produce roughly half the amount that comes out of California, alone.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.


words (though hirple is a Scottish English word. stupendous. Their position is a little bit similar to a judge¶s at a trial. Sporange as a variant of sporangium per Webster¶s Third Unabridged and the Oxford English Dictionary. the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. silver or purple. y There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. and vanadous? Yep. They do have about 30 muscles at the base of their ears. Hunth. and hazardous. A cat has 0 muscles in each ear. See multiple studies on this for more info. y No word in the English language rhymes with month. horrendous. Look them up. a word meaning a hundred thousand. y A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. 73 . y You can t lick your own elbow. They are. but still one syllable. Am I being petty? y A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. and they are allowed to speak. y In England. Look it up (it is under the word ³scrootch.´ a variant of ³scrooch´). meaning to limp. There are groups of people on YouTube that post videos of themselves doing this very thing. Hirple. so it might not be in everybody¶s dictionary). they are all words. If you are flexible or have a long tongue. orange.Scrootched is a word. y There are only four words in the English language which end in . apodous. y A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. and can almost reach it. decapodous. Regulation size golf balls can have anywhere from 300-500 dimples. in fact. A goldfish can remember an event for about 3 months. palladous. How about amadous. It is longer than screeched. iodous. nonhazardous. Chilver as an ewe lamb per the Oxford English Dictionary. It is pretty interesting. The correct term is Speaker of the House of Commons. ultrahazardous. but are required to take an impartial position and can¶t argue one side over another.dous : tremendous. I happen to have a very long tongue. yes you can. nodous. A dragonfly¶s lifespan is up to 6 months.

I shall endeavour to make this proof as rigorous as the available data permits. I staunchly refuse to admit that it has anything to do with some inherent problem with me. I. but the ability to carry on a witty. which I'm sure everyone will agree are anything but unreasonable. I am convinced that the situation can be readily explained in purely scientific terms. Now anyway. the potential girlfriend must be approximately my age²let's say 21 plus or minus three or four years. of course. the latest halfway-reliable figures we have for Earth's population come from the United States Census Bureau's 1999 World Population Profile (WP/98). I now present my demonstration of why the probability of finding a suitable candidate fulfilling the three above-noted requirements is so small as to be practically impossible²in other words. Unfortunately. often reaching a series of ridiculous explanations. the girl must be beautiful (and I use that term all-encompassingly to refer to both inner and outer beauty). That said. Lest anyone suspect that my standards for women are too high. using nothing more than demographics and some elementary statistical calculus. And I should note. Second. Instead. Third. Due presumably to the time involved 74 . Number of people on Earth (in 1998): 5 592 830 000[4] We start with the largest demographic in which I am interested²namely. Let's now take a look at the figures. the population of this planet. for one. though. that there will be no statistical trickery involved here. I just don't assess the prospect of finding myself a nice Altairian girl as statistically significant. First. why I will never have a girlfriend. While I'll be the first to admit that my chances of ever entering into a meaningful relationship with someone special are practically non-existent. most fall back on the time-honoured conclusion that "there must be Something WrongŒ with me" before resigning themselves to lives of perpetual chastity. So there they are²three simple demands.[2] Not the author. too. let me allay those fears by enumerating in advance my three criteria for the match. That is not to say I'm against the idea of interstellar romance. she must also be reasonably intelligent²she doesn't have to be Mensa material. there is rarely a hard and fast answer to the query.Why I Will Never Have a Girlfriend Why don't I have a girlfriend? This is a question that practically every male has asked himself at one point or another in his life. each more self-deprecating than the last: "Is it because I'm too shy. I have cited all my sources and provided all relevant calculations[3] in case anyone wishes to conduct their own independent review. refuse to spend my life brooding over my lack of luck with women. Many men try to reason their way through the dilemma nonetheless. and not aggressive enough? Is it my opening lines? Am I a boring person? Am I too fat or too thin? Or am I simply ugly and completely unattractive to women?" When all other plausible explanations have been discounted. insightful argument would be nice.

[6] thus. Accordingly. the "population by age" tables in WP/98 are not separated into individual ages but are instead quantized into "15±19" (of whom there are 39 560 000) and "20±44" (population 215 073 000). My reasons for doing so are not motivated out of contempt for those who are economically disadvantaged. given the title of this essay. so it is to these types of regions that the numbers have been narrowed. so. I am looking for exclusively female companionship. Sorry. Women aged 15 to 19 in 1998 will be aged 17 to 21 in 2000. we have Similarly. the true number of so-far eligible bachelorettes is 65 399 083. the census data is nearly two years old. for two reasons: first. though. The sum. are understandably compiling and processing census statistics. 66 059 680. I would like to restrict my search for love to those whose age is approximately equal to my own. there are now females within my chosen age limit. said report's data is valid only as of 1998. but rather by simple probability. who are beautiful: 1 487 838 75 . guys. Europe. roughly 1% of these girls will have died since the census was taken. I'm interested in dating those 18 or older. either in person or on the Internet. represents the total number of females aged 18 to 25 in developed countries in 2000. and Australia. I will most likely spend nearly my entire life living and working in North America. in "developed" countries: 605 601 000[5] We now further restrict the geographical area of interest to so-called "first-world countries". This is where things get a bit tricky. who are female: 2 941 118 000[5] I'd've thought that. In case anyone missed it. so later on we'll be making some impromptu adjustments to bring the numbers up to date. this criterion goes without saying. Unfortunately. My chances of meeting a babe from Bhutan or a goddess from Ghana. of 1998's "20±44" category. currently (in 2000) aged 18 to 25: 65 399 083[4][5] Being neither a pedophile nor a geriatrophile. In fact. roughly half of the Earth's population must be discounted. and second. assuming the "15±19" girls' ages are uniformly distributed. in this group.

intelligence can mean different things to different people. In that case. both physically and personality-wise. Luckily it is not necessary for me to define beauty in this essay except to state that for any given beholder. in that case. as previously mentioned. Accordingly. then. that personal attractiveness is normally distributed. that a girl would go out with someone if and only if they were at least one standard deviation above her idea of average. and also might like me: 18 726 Naturally. "Sorry. people are unlikely to consider pursuing a relationship with someone whose looks and personality just barely suffice.) For reasons of morality (and perhaps too self-preservation). or otherwise committed to a significant other. Let's make the rather conservative assumption. yet I am once more relieved of making any explanation by noting that it. engaged.Personal attraction. Let's assume that I will settle for someone a mere one standard deviation above the normal. and intelligent: 236 053 Again. (Fellow unattached males will no doubt have also noticed a preponderance of girls legitimately offering. she should fall at least two standard deviations above the norm. referring to our previous calculation. I'm not about to start hitting on girls who have husbands and boyfriends. From basic statistics theory. finding a suitable girl who I really like is no guarantee that she'll like me back. Assuming. I already have a boyfriend" as an excuse not to go on a date. like most other characteristics.8655% of 76 . and not already committed: 118 027 I could find no hard statistics on the number of above-noted girls who are already married. but informal observation and anecdotal evidence leads me to believe that the proportion is somewhere around 50%.[7] Without going into the specifics of precisely which traits I admire. only 15. beauty is a purely subjective trait whose interpretation may vary from person to person. is an important instigator of any relationship. there is a mere 50% chance that any given female will consider me even marginally attractive. I will say that for a girl to be considered really beautiful to me. that portion of the female population must also be considered off-limits. Of course. has a notionally normal distribution across the population. In practice. it will probably be normally distributed amongst the population. however. a further of the population must be discounted. the area to the left of the normal curve at z = 2 is and so it is this number with which we multiply our current population pool.

but I warn you. They will consequently return to the dating scene. I was sure this e-mail was an April Fool's joke until I noticed the return address. a datable population of 18 726 may not seem like such a low number. Table A-7.S. that we end our statistical analysis. Report WP/98.0 4. 4. DC: U. 5. if you happen to be a girl deluded enough to think that you and I have a chance together. Update (2000-04-01): My sarcastic pleas for some e-mail have finally been answered. World Population Profile: 1998. Bureau of the Census. Take a look at this letter from a hysterical female reader. 1999. Presumably. Report WP/98. DC: U. but in absence of any numbers supporting this hypothesis. my life expectancy is probably little more than 70 years. you face odds of 157 060 to 1. Government Printing Office. but consider this: assuming I were to go on a blind date with a new girl about my age every week. That said. 4. 77 3. until they finally marry one out of fear of spending the rest of their lives alone.1 5. Due to rounding. Washington. Come to think of it. of course. After a short period of brooding. Washington. Australia. 6. the death rate graphs as a bathtub curve.S.) Endnotes and references 1. I would have to date for 3493 weeks before I found one of the 18 726.0 5. .S. a cogent. I will conservatively estimate the death rate among this age group to be 1% biennially. and for the sake of simplicity. my friends finally. but does not list death rates per age group.2 U. feel free to drop me a line.females would consider someone with my physical characteristics and personality acceptable as a potential romantic partner. these males will eventually come to the realization that the real reason they were never able to get a girlfriend is that they were too discriminating with their attentions. As a North American male born in the late 1970s. 1999. At first glance.1 U. Bureau of the Census.S. Government Printing Office. she'll probably be dead too. Conclusion It is here. at a pool of 18 726 acceptable females. entering a sequence of blasé relationships with mediocre girls for whom they don't really care. I am convinced that this behaviour is the real reason for today's alarmingly high divorce rate. figures cited may not add up exactly. World Population Profile: 1998. Table A-3. 2. which I think perfectly demonstrates the point of this entire essay. 5. I wouldn't bother if I were you. so we can safely say that I will be quite dead before I find the proverbial girl of my dreams. This paper was written when the author was at Griffith University. So there you have it. That's very nearly 67 years. WP/98 gives the annual death rate for developed countries as 10 per 1000. (I think the fact that she's a WebTV user explains a lot in fact. non-self-deprecating argument for why I will never have a girlfriend. scientific.

this assumption seems to be backed up by informal observation and judgment in any reasonably large group of people. Perhaps attractiveness. to assume that like most other traits.7. and a tiny minority either exceedingly beautiful or exceedingly ugly. either outer or inner. Despite my efforts to research the matter. Indeed. It is not unreasonable. however. does not lend itself to quantification. most of them will be average-looking. Allright America 78 . I could find no data on the distribution of beauty. it has a normal distribution. being a largely subjective trait. amongst the population.

Whats not to like 79 .

Smarter than You? 80 .

" "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth." "In my attempt to kill a fly. As I reached an intersection." "I saw the slow-moving. I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car." "I was taking my canary to the hospital." "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. and my car crashed into the other vehicle." "I had been learning to drive with power steering. and there was a crash. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. I drove into a telephone pole.Accident Reports Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert." "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries. obscuring my vision. I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before. a hedge sprung up." "No one was to blame for the accident. It got loose in the car and flew out the window." "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front." "I told the police that I was not injured." "When I could not avoid a collision." "I was unable to stop in time. and I hurt my back. so I ran over him." "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. I struck the pedestrian. Car Accidents: y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." 81 ." "I thought my window was down." "Coming home. but found it was up when I put my hand through it." "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The next thing I saw was his rear end. but on removing my hat." "My wench slipped. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way. losing my balance." "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go." "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. I found that I had a fractured skull." "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations. sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way." "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.

glanced at my mother-in-law.'' A blonde. a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.y y y y y y "As I approached the intersection. come home. a brunette. Why did it take four hours for the blonde to make chocolate chip cookies? Because it took her 3 hours to peel all those M&M's." "An invisible car came out of nowhere. "Shut up! You're next!" 82 . So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun." "The guy was all over the road. and the brunette quickly captures first. struck my vehicle. What did the father say to his blonde daughter? ''If you're not in bed by 11." "I pulled away from the side of the road. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head." "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face. and headed over the embankment. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her." Blonde Jokes What do blonde women put behind their ears to attract men? Their ankles. the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges that while she was doing the breast stroke. The gun goes off. and vanished." "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end. "What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend. with the redhead coming in second. An hour later. the others were using their arms. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. and a redhead all enter a swim meet.

.Fisherman An expert fisherman is a ''master-baiter. A master baster.don't pay her...Sausage Man who stuffs his own sausage. Confucius. Viagra + Death = ? What happend to the man who died on an overdose of Viagra? They couldn't close the coffin.and you should be ashamed of yourself.More simple jokes What does a lesbian need to become a lesbian? A licker license! Good Girl.. goes home then goes to bed. Making Hormones Q: How do you make a hormone? A: Easy -. pounds his own meat. A Chewy Riddle Q: What goes in hard and pink...''' 83 .Bad Girl What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl? A GOOD girl goes to a party. Confucius. frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out? A: A toothbrush. Rubbing Riddle Q: What's about six inches long and produces a white. but comes out soft and mushy? A: Bubblegum -. goes to bed then goes home. Cook Q. A BAD girl goes to a party. What do call a good cook? A.

84 . ³Then I¶d like to phone a friend. Pickled Bread Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill dough. Sin and Shame Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It's a sin to put it in.´ So I said. but a shame to pull it out.Goodyear Rubber Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? A: One's a Goodyear.. ³Do you want to have sex?´ ³No. Ultimate Rejection Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Air Like Sex Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. I then said. ´ 69. simply saying. I turned to her and said. the other's a great year.´ she answered. ³Is that your final answer?´ She didn¶t even look at me this time. Speed Limit of Sex Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: Sixty-eight -. And then the fight started My wife and I are watching ³Who Wants To Be A Millionaire´ while we were in bed.´ And then the fight started«. you have to turn around.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck. and slipped back into bed. The wind was blowing 50 mph. and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. grabbed the dog.I went back into the house. so I pulled back into the garage. turned on the radio. and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. made my lunch. now with a different anticipation. ³The weather out there is terrible. and slipped quietly into the garage.Saturday morning I got up early. ³Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?´ And that¶s how the fight started« 85 . quietly undressed.´My loving wife of 10 years replied. I cuddled up to my wife¶s back. and whispered. quietly dressed.

The Real Meaning of Words (from my daughter) Love Sorrow 86 .

87 .

Innocence 88 .

Departure 89 .

Pain 90 .

Solitude Music 91 .

92 .

Respect Compassion 93 .

94 .

Friendship 95 .

Music Patience




Best friends



"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass..." 99 .it's about learning how to dance in the rain.

furious about a Florida package we did. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid. "No. Finally I told her the plane went very fast. Capetown is in Africa. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one. "Capecod is in Massachusetts." Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city 100 . she asked. "No. since Orlando is in the middle of the state. "Don't lie to me. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car. and she bought that! A woman called and asked. they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT.. "Well.. "I heard Dallas was a big airport. He replied. I calmly explained. and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state. but she could not understand the concept of time zones. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. A man called. why do you ask?" She replied. I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. I tried to explain that is not possible." I got a call from a man who asked. he said." Her response . when I checked in with the airline. "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said." He said "But they look so close on the map. but Capetown is in Massachusetts. click." A nice lady just called. When I pulled up the reservation. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. and I'm overweight. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. After going over all the cost info. "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said.

After a lengthy discussion about passports. whatever. 101 . Finally. Ask If They Want Fries with that." The customer retorted. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Don't Disguise Your Voice. and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane." A woman called and said. "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant. I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something. what flights do you have?" replied the customer. "You don't mean Buffalo.code for Fresno is FAT. At Lunch Time." A woman called to make reservations. the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes. See If They Slow Down. She said. "Oh no I don't." 5. "I was told my flight number is 823. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus. "Look. Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. ma'am. "Oh don't be silly. "Yeah. I reminded him he needed a visa." I double checked and sure enough. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In. After some searching." A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. the agent came back with. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered. "I'm sorry. New York" The agent was at a loss for words. "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those. his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said. but none of these darn planes have numbers on them. which he replied. 3. Everyone knows where it is. do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!" 20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity 1. I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere. Switch To Espresso. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. 2. 4. I just got off the phone with a man who asked. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions.

11. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. As Often As Possible. Don't Use Any Punctuation 9.. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name. When Leaving The Zoo. 10. We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go. Yelling "Run For Your Lives. Scream "I Won! I Won!" 18.. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. 13. 16. Start Running Towards The Parking Lot." And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity. Sing Along At The Opera. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer. "Due To The Economy. Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy.. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.. Five Days In Advance. They're Loose!!" 19. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go.. When The Money Comes Out The ATM. 17. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks. Rock Hard. 20." 12. 102 .. Write "For Sexual Favors" 7. It's Called Therapy. Copy this and Send an E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Ask People What Sex They Are." 8... 15. Skip Rather Than Walk.6..

6.19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn 1. Just get up and dance. 3. He WILL NOT use. 11. And when God. in one word. If you had to identify. a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 15. its full potential. Nobody cares if you can t dance well. decides to deliver a message to humanity. No matter what happens. 12. There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. Never lick a steak knife. 14. When trouble arises and things look bad. and never will achieve. 10. 8. somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. That time is age 11. 2. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. who created the entire universe with all of its glories. the reason why the human race has not achieved. 103 . that word would be meetings . 4. 7. You should not confuse your career with your life. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. Very often. that individual is crazy. 5. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 13. there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. 9. as His messenger.

regardless of age. Your friends love you anyway. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.16. but rude to the waiter. A person who is nice to you. economic status or ethnic background. 17. The one thing that unites all human beings. is that. deep down inside. 18. Official Apology Notice 104 . is not a nice person. 19. gender. religion.

Can you see that?" "Yes." 105 .'s because it's dark" "Dark?" "Yes the office light is off. and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer" "I can't reach it" "Uh huh. can you see if it is?" "No" "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing" "Nothing?" "It's blank. then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.TECHNICAL SUPPORT An actual conversation that occurred between a customer and a Word perfect support rep (who got fired for this btw) "Ridge Hall computer assistance. Follow the cord to the plug. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. here it is" "Follow it for me. I think so" "Great." "Yes it is" "When you were behind the monitor. not just one?" "No" "Well. it won't accept anything I type" "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV." "Okay. and the only light I have is coming in from the window" "Well. turn on the office light then. did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it. I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. it's not because I don't have the right angle . it won't accept anything when I type. Well." "I can't." "Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" >"Never mind can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you. and all of a sudden the words went away" "Went away?" "They disappeared" "Hmm. may I help you?" "Yes. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know?" "Well." "What sort of trouble?" "Well I was just typing along. there are.

all right then. it pushes some old stuff out of my brain . but I can't remember what to say when you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! I'm not impressed easily. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems. A power failure? Aha. Go get them. yes I keep them in the closet" "Good. I suppose. someone will call me 'Sir' without adding.remember when I took that home winemaking course. Wow! A blue car! Well. Donuts." "Well. and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. crying isn't gonna bring him back. Okay. Save me. Jeebus! Facts are meaningless .. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer" Just a few more Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle . gremlins. unless your tears smell like dog food. What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. I don't hate your mother."No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure" "A power." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes.. 106 . Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides. Lisa. I'm a 'Spalding Gray' in a 'Rick Dees' there anything they can't do? Trying is the first step toward failure. 'You/re making a scene'. and I forgot how to drive? Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually! Maybe. Ah.. I'm afraid it is. every time I learn something new. I just won't be sad when she dies. and Eskimos. we've got it licked now.they're on TV! Bingo! I love that game.. beer. just once.. vampires are make believe. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. like elves.

X and Mrs. I pound a few.. my TV loud. Great Britain. I take a walk. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child. Where was I? Oh yeah. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay! It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone. not even enough to buy one beer. that's why. stay out of my booze. you being a cop makes you the man .which makes me the woman.. So anyway. Marge. who will kick our field goals. Wait a minute. lemme count and make sure. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation. Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs. X would say. America's health care system is second only to Japan. How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's His Name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well.' 107 . I didn't hear anybody laughing . That's why everybody does everything! That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. Simpson. which (as we discussed) is strictly a comfort THERE'S a temporary solution.. and for what? A few measly cents. 'Marge. Mr.. uh. if this doesn't get your motor running.not even close! Beer . then I stumble home in the mood for love. Y. I'm going to miss you so much. Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you? You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing! Well. and I have no interest in that. well. Mr. I just know they're about to jab me with something. I'm going to clown college! You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car! Marge. I go to a bar.. let's just call them.Because they're stupid.. When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces.all of Europe. and my homosexuals flaming. or train our white tigers? Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank. Canada.did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. my name isn't Homer J. English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England! I like my beer cold. Sweden. Without our immigrants. besides occasionally wearing the underwear.

good night! If you really want something in this life. Everyone listens to me. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. I'm a white's not whether you win or lose. You'll have to speak up. Marge. you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy. just like that. Oh.I'm eatin' salad here! When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy. quiet. Why. you know like that movie. I think I need a bigger drill. Hey. Those guys were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Extended warranty? How can I lose? Mmmmmm . 108 . One to lie.52 slices of American cheese. you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well. boy.. just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles. you have to work for it. Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy. goodnight! Apu. and it was the happiest day of my life. it's how drunk you get. and my parents bought it for me. and one to listen. Bart. "Spaceballs". The lesson is 'never try'. People die all the time. I asked for ketchup . Don't let Krusty's death get you down. easy . Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around! Son. You tried your best and you failed miserably.Hmmm. when you participate in sporting events . I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world. they're about to announce the lottery numbers! You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine. age 18 to 49. When I was young. Like this Bible. everything's too damned expensive these days. it takes two to lie.I know what you're saying. Now. I think Mr. Easy. like that movie "Police Academy". I thought it would be fun and zany. I'm wearing a towel. Well.. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand! I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. But instead it was dark and disturbing. no matter how dumb my suggestions are. God bless those pagans.

109 . We're gonna get a new TV. And they come in this delicious red God must feel when he's holding a gun. I never thought that you would find out." I don't have to be careful. wait a minute. Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk. but brother. a woman is a lot like a. Marge. please save me.. 14% of people know that. and if its SPEED dropped. Twenty-one inch screen.. I can get by with one. and. I've got a gun! I'm normally not a praying man. it ain't ketchup! I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city. they have Internet on computers now. Superman! Oh.. It looks like ketchup.With $10. Marge I swear.. When I held that gun in my hand. and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays! First you don't want me to get the pony.000. Oh.. but if you're up there. You know boys. people can come up with statistics to prove anything. don't discourage the boy. let's not panic. like a father and son should. They look as good as they taste. it tastes like ketchup. um. 300 pounds. a nuclear reactor is a lot like women.. Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden. Now what is a wedding? Well. realistic flesh tones. Make up your mind! Son.. Except the weasel. a woman is more like a beer. we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like. it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down. You just have to read the manual and press the right button. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall. Actually. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. keeping its SPEED over fifty. love! All right. Now. then you want me to take it back. Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline! Oh. You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. together at last! We'll die together.. They make ice. I felt a surge of power . I hope I didn't brain my damage! Nuts and gum.

Dating in the 60s It's the summer of 1960 and Harold goes to pick up his date.and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin. 'Peggy Sue 's not ready yet. A few minutes later.Books are useless: I only ever read one book.' says Peggy Sue 's mother. About 20 minutes later. but what good does THAT do me? Shut up. 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw.. why. or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip! I am so smart. he has revised the plans for the evening. a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house. That's cool. Peggy Sue 's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes. brain. so why don't you have a seat?' she says. 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.' with a small wink for Harold. "To Kill A Mockingbird" . Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation. 'Have a good Evening kids.. Peggy Sue . Peggy Sue 's mother responds. slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: 'It's The Twist. Immediately.aaat?' 'Yeah. Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying. I mean S M A R T. When he goes to the front door. Peggy Sue 's mother answers and invites him in. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. S M R T. I am so smart.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha. Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist'! 110 . she'd screw all night if we let her!' Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.

More Signs 111 .

112 .




116 .

The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.Patient Charts You wouldn't think there were so many ways to misstate a health problem. 117 .

" "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. who felt we should sit on the abdomen. and therefore we will get Dr. who is still under our car for physical therapy. her eyes rolled around the room." "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing." "The patient has no past history of suicides. but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. until she got a divorce. and he was feeling better. However." "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. Research Law: No matter how clever and complete your research is. Blank to dispose of him." "She has had no rigors or shaking chills. she was examined." "When she fainted. infrequent headaches." "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. and I agree." "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. X-rated and sent home." "Skin: Somewhat pale but present." "The patient refused an autopsy." "Discharge status: Alive but without permission. it won't work in practice." "Patient was alert and unresponsive." "Occasional. his rapid heart stopped." "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life." "The skin was moist and dry." Murphy s Laws y if it works in theory. if it works in practice it won't work in theory. mentally alert but forgetful." "I saw your patient today." "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch." "By the time he was admitted." "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. Blank." "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities." "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male." "The patient was to have a bowel resection. he took a job as a stockbroker instead." "The patient will need disposition. constant. there is always someone who knows y 118 .Comments On Patient Charts: y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year." "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr." "She is numb from her toes down." "While in the ER.

Equivalent replacement parts aren't. is when everyone stop supporting it. the less certain you are of it. Assaf's Laws of Replacement Parts o A failed 25¢ part cannot be replaced by a new 25¢ part. but by a sub-assembly whose cost is equal to or greater than that of the device in need of the part o The cost and availability of a replacement part are in inverse proportion to the cost of the whole system: a $1500 device will fail because of the burnout of a 25¢ capacitor. Interchangeable parts aren't The proposed size of any project is inversely proportional to the size the project will eventually become. will happen at the test site. The less intelligent the idea. Any tool dropped will fall where it can cause the most damage. A device having an indestructible component or is user serviceable is deemed unsafe until it's replaced by an expensive. The degree to which a device will function is directly proportional to the number of times it has been bashed and inversely to its cost. unobtainable. Corollary: Any project that can consume more resources before reaching it's final state will do so. the investors will not be happy. inefficient component which needs constant servicing. Any wire cut to length will be too short. If you think you understand science (or computers or women). and the person stating it. or where there is enough light to see how to replace it. But the 25¢ capacitor is either  no longer manufactured  manufactured only by a company in Outer Mongolia with an 18-month backlog  available only as part of a $1450 sub-assembly y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y 119 . The more important your email is. When you finally update to a new technology. A man with two watches isn't.more. you're clearly not an expert Technicians are the only ones that don't trust technology All impossible failures. the more likely it will be funded. The more knowledge you gained. This will happen faster than you think. Corollary: All impossible failures will happen on the clients desktop The more you want to contact someone over an instant messenger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be on-line. y Somers' Law of Repair: No part ever fails where you can reach it. the worse your email client will screw it up. Also. A man with one watch is certain about time.

Virginity can be cured. If your parents never had it. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. The Harvard Principle: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of temperature. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -. While technology progresses at the speed of light it's implementation is filtered through the speed of bureaucracy In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. 120 . It is always the wrong time of month. she usually stops listening to him.. When the lights are out. chances are you won't either. There may be some things better than sex. their hearts and minds will follow. etc.y All things mechanical/electrical will catastrophically fail after the guarantee has expired. unless an extended guarantee has been purchased. Before you find your handsome prince. Stationary engineering law never underestimate incompetency y y y y y y y y Love Laws y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y A man in the house is worth two in the street. but don't get caught. all women are beautiful. there will be n+1 unknowns The disappearance of a nagging error in a system is explicable only in terms of insignificant contribution of the source to that system The repairman will have never seen a model quite like yours before Law of Repairmen: The repairman fixes your machine to break down the next day and charges for a new machine. humidity. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Love your neighbor. When a man's wife learns to understand him. pressure. the organism will do as it damn well pleases. But there is nothing exactly like it. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. First Law of Linear Equations: Given any system n linear equations. you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex is hereditary. and some things worse than sex.Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. If you get them by the balls. but in practice there is.

When a man wants his wife to hear. Never argue with a women when she's tired -. she doesn't listen. a man. What matters is not the length of the wand. One good turn gets most of the blankets. sex is a matter of physics. it makes people wonder what you are thinking. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. is he still wrong? Show me a husband who won't. the other eight are unimportant. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y Love is a hole in the heart. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program.NEVER loved and lost! Thou shalt not commit adultery. I promise. A woman never forgets the men she could have had. stay up and fight. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. sweep up the pieces. it was bad sex 121 .. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. no one is having fun being single If you're heart is broken.unless in the mood. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. women. Love comes in spurts. we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. Never say no. It's always easier to get a partner if you already have one.or rested. Beauty is skin deep. There will always be someone who will want to put it back together. if you end up worrying or regretting it. she's all ears. and song. An ex-wife/husband will always be "till death do us part". If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. Love is a matter of chemistry. Love and high-school must NEVER go together." Nothing improves with age. mostly song. When that same man doesn't want his wife to hear. ugly goes right to the bone. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. but a good bicycle is a ride. "This won't hurt. Although it may seem like that on the outside. Anonymous comment: The person who said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. but the magic in the stick. Smile.. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Do it only with the best... It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. the women he couldn't. I'll show you a neighbor who will It doesn't matter HOW good it was. The world does not revolve on an axis. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. Abstain from wine. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.. Never go to bed mad.. A man is only a man.

we only learn how to act in public.. let's work on your hearing.. but I know God doesn't work that way. but it really doesn't bother me too much. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent"." When you R in deep shi* ONE LINERS THAT YOU DON T WANT 2 FORGET I asked God for a bike. The early bird might get the worm. and for the same reason. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.only who is left..Little Old Lady y y A little old lady goes to the doctor and says.. but now my farts." "Good". Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.. If sex is a pain in the ass. and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. We never really grow up. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Do not argue with an idiot. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening'. 122 . but the second mouse gets the cheese. Women might be able to fake orgasms. Having sex is like playing bridge. although still silent they stink terribly. Sex is the question. They should both be changed regularly. then you're doing it wrong. The doctor says "I see. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. But it's still on the list. "Doctor. But men can fake a whole relationship. Take these pills and come back to see me next week. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. you'd better have a good hand. War does not determine who is right . If you don't have a good partner. now that we've cleared up your sinuses. They never smell and are always silent. I want to die peacefully in my sleep. make him a sandwich. Light travels faster than sound. "I don't know what the heck you gave me. the doctor said. "Yes" is the answer." The next week the lady goes back. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. If you see him without an erection. "Doctor I have this problem with gas. like my grandfather. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. Sex is not the answer." she says.

A train station is where a train stops. under any circumstances... If God is watching us. To steal from many is research.. but it was no match for me at kick boxing. and still think they are sexy. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. I have a work station. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire. but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. turns out I just wanted paychecks. 123 . they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? A bank is a place that will lend you money.A bus station is where a bus stops.. The voices in my head may not be real. try missing a couple of payments. but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. not really good for anything. I thought I wanted a career. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. if you can prove that you don't need I said "Implants?" Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian If you think nobody cares if you're alive. but they have some good ideas! Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut. the least we can do is be entertaining.. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea.. than to speak and remove all doubt. but check when you say the paint is wet? clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Some people are like Slinkies . To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. On my desk. A computer once beat me at chess. does that mean that one enjoys it? Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity. Never.. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool. take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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