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The Secret Laws of Attraction

The Secret Laws of Attraction

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Published by: Cerasella19 on Jul 18, 2011
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  • The Secret of Irresistible Attraction
  • The Eight Myths About Needs
  • Identify Your Needs: The List Method
  • Identify Your Needs: The Quiz Method
  • Establish Boundaries
  • How to Meet the Top Twenty-One Core Needs
  • Identify Your Core Values
  • Orient Your Life Around Your Values
  • Tips for Being Simply Irresistible
  • The Basic Rules of Dating: The Time Line


t this point you are probably itching to figure out what
your own personal and emotional needs are. The quick-
est and easiest method is to take the Emotional Index Quiz in
Chapter 4 or at Lifecoach.com, which will tell you what your
top four needs are. Or, if you prefer to study the entire list of
needs, you can select your own needs from the list in this chap-
ter. Identifying your needs is the first step in understanding
how your needs are running (or possibly ruining) your life and
to effortlessly attracting the love of your life.
While most people find it much easier to identify their
needs with the Emotional Index Quiz, some people prefer to
see the entire list of needs to choose from. The drawback to
selecting your needs by studying the list alone is that you may
find you skip over particular needs because you don’t like the
sound of them. For example, many women don’t like the idea
that they might have the need to control because it doesn’t
sound very feminine or attractive. Likewise, few men would
feel comfortable circling the need to be adored, as it doesn’t
sound very strong and masculine.

Copyright © 2008 by Talane Miedaner. Click here for terms of use.

30 The Secret Laws of Attraction

The Needs List

Grab a pencil, then study the list below. Scan the list and circle
all the needs that resonate with you. It doesn’t matter whether
you circle the needs listed in bold or the needs that come after.
Everyone has almost all of these needs to one degree or another,
so don’t worry if in looking at this list you freak out and say,
“Geez, I’ve got almost all these needs!” Remember, to need is
human. It isn’t bad to have numerous needs. In fact, it is per-
fectly normal.

Personal and Emotional Needs List

1. Accepted/Liked: Approved of, Allowed, Endorsed,
Included, Respected, Popular, Validated

2. Achieve: Accomplish, Attain, Complete, Get Results,
Implement, Realize

3. Appreciated/Valued: Acknowledged, Complimented,
Esteemed, Flattered, Thanked, Honored, Praised, Prized,

4. Clarity: Certainty, Exactness, To Know, Be Informed, Sim-
plicity, Surety

5. Control/Power: Administer, Authority, Be in Charge,
Command, Conduct, Direct, Dominate, Guide, Govern,
Handle, Influence, Lead, Manage, Mastermind, Order,
Preside Over, Regulate, Supervise, Superiority, Stamina,

6. Heard/Communicate: Be in Touch, Connected, Convey,
Impart, Listened to, Make a Point, Make Contact with,
Share Yourself, Tell Stories, Be Understood

Identify Your Needs: The List Method 31

7. Independent: Autonomous, Free, Not Obligated, Self-
Sufficient, Self-Determined, Unattached, Unrestricted

8. Integrity/Honesty: Authenticity, Forthright, Factual,
Genuine, Loyalty, Openness, Sincerity, Truthful

9. Loved/Cherished: Adored, Admired, Desired, Held
Fondly, Liked, Preferred, Relished, Treasured

10. Luxury: Abundance, Comfort, Cozy, Ease, Indulgence,
Prosperity, Relaxed, Restful

11. Order: Checklists, Cleanliness, Discipline, Neatness, Orga-
nization, Perfection, Plans, Regularity, Routines, Structure,

12. Peace/Balance: Agreements, Be Alone, Calmness, Har-
mony, Reconciliation, Serenity, Silence, Tranquility, Quiet

13. Recognized: Acclaimed, Admired, Applauded, Celebrated,
Cheered, Commended, Get Attention, Get Credit, Glori-
fied, Honored, Known, Noticed, Be Seen

14. Responsible: Accountable, Commitments, Duty, Do the
Right Thing, Justice, Loyalty, Have a Mission or Cause, Be
Devoted, Obliged, Pledge

15. Right: Be Deferred to, Correct, Not Mistaken, Morally
Right, Understood

16. Security/Safety: Assurances, Commitments, Guarantees,
Insurance, Protection, Reliability, Stability

17. Supported: Be Attended to, Cared for, Embraced, Given
Gifts, Encouraged, Helped, Looked After, Nurtured, Pro-
vided for, Saved, Treasured, Taken Care of, Welcomed

18. Touched: Caressed, Connected, Cuddled, Held, Hugged,
Kissed, Massaged, Stroked

32 The Secret Laws of Attraction

19. Useful/Needed: Care for or Look After Others, Give, Be
Helpful, Indispensable, Serve

20. Win: Be First, Be the Best, Conquer, Defeat, Master,
Overcome, Persuade, Succeed, Take the Prize, Triumph,
Vanquish, Victory

21. Work: Be Busy, Be Industrious, Do Tasks, Exercise, Have a
Career or Vocation, Labor, Make It Happen, Perform, Pro-
duce, Take Action

Now that you’ve selected a number of needs from the list
above, try to narrow it down to four key needs. The way to
do this is to ask, “If this need were fulfilled, would it take care
of any of the others?” It’s like bowling. If you knock down
the kingpin, it takes the other pins down with it. Our needs
work the same way, so don’t panic if you’ve got a big bunch of
them. You’ll discover that once you take out the bigger needs,
a number of others are naturally and effortlessly handled in the
process. So go for the big ones!
For example, let’s say you’ve looked at this list and have cir-
cled to be loved, cherished, adored, held fondly, complimented,
given gifts, and appreciated. Of these, is there one word that
sums it all up for you? For example, if you were adored, would
that include being loved, cherished, held fondly, and given gifts?
Pick the word that most resonates with you and feels the most
encompassing. Whichever you choose, that will be one of your
kingpin needs. If you focused your efforts on getting that one
need fulfilled, the others in that category would happen natu-
rally. The main category may or may not be the word that per-
sonally resonates with you, so pick the word that does. Now
that you’ve reviewed the above list, select your top four per-
sonal needs and write them below. If you have a need that isn’t
on this list, feel free to add it. Just make sure it is a requirement
for you to be your best.

Identify Your Needs: The List Method 33

Top Four Needs (The Kingpins)





Let’s take Britanny, the thirty-something manager of a retail
store, as an example. Britanny came up with the following top

1. To be cherished (kingpin need including to be loved, liked,
held fondly, adored, get compliments and gifts)

2. To be independent (kingpin need including to be free and
not obligated)

3. To share (kingpin need including to be heard, communi-
cate, and tell stories)

4. To have balance (kingpin need including peace and

The “Opposite” Approach

Rather than counting up the number of times you marked a
certain need, you can also try the “opposite” approach. Look
at the list of needs above and see if you have strong negative
reactions to any of the words. Is there is a term you definitely
don’t want to be one of your needs? Is there one that would feel
too embarrassing or weak to have? If so, circle that one. The
words we strongly avoid are often unmet needs. It is because
you instinctively avoid it or are afraid or reluctant to admit that
you might have that need that you don’t seek to fulfill it. You

34 The Secret Laws of Attraction

certainly wouldn’t tell anyone it was one of your needs and you
might even deny it vehemently. Such unfulfilled needs result in
“neediness.” Remember, no need is any better or worse than
another. It isn’t better or more noble to have the need to be
cherished than the need to be right. Please be honest with
yourself. Once your needs are fulfilled, they will effectively dis-
appear, so it won’t matter whether you like the need or not.

The “Not Your Best” Approach

Because needs are a requirement for you to be your best, when
you aren’t your best or are cranky and irritable, look around for
an unmet need. One client found himself getting very irritable
with his spouse when he came home from work and the house
wasn’t tidy. He had the need for order and the clutter bugged
him. He would spend the first few minutes running around put-
ting things away before he could relax. Once his partner realized
he wasn’t irritated at her, she would spend a few minutes tidying
the house before he came home and avoided the problem alto-
gether. We can’t be our best if our needs aren’t fulfilled.

The “What You Do for Others” Approach

Here is another way to uncover your needs. Sometimes we
subconsciously do for others what we’d like to receive our-
selves. We have been taught that if you want to be loved, then
give love. If you want to be complimented, then give someone
a compliment. This is fine, but it would be much better if you
did what the other person needed instead of doing what you
needed. For example, one of my clients would send me little
notes of appreciation a couple of times a week. Now I thought
that was very nice, but a bit excessive. In fact, I felt a bit bur-
dened by all these notes, thinking I needed to send her one in
return. So I asked her if she sent notes like this out to everyone

Identify Your Needs: The List Method 35

in her life. She said, “Yes.” Aha! I asked her if she had the need
to be appreciated. Again, her answer was yes. There we had it.
She was sending out scads of notes as a means to get one or two
back to fulfill her need to be appreciated. Instead of doing all
this work, I suggested she simply ask people directly for what
she wanted. She asked me to e-mail her a note of appreciation
once a week. She also asked her parents to call her and tell her
what they appreciated about her as well as to send her the occa-
sional note. She saved all these notes in a pretty floral box and
would read them when she felt in need of a little appreciation.

The “Second Opinion” Approach

If you are in doubt, ask a partner, family member, or good friend
to help you identify your needs.
“Honey, do you think I have a need to be in control?”
People who live with us or know us well can usually spot
our needs right away, so once you’ve selected your top four,
you can review them with your partner. Our friends and family
may not be able to consciously articulate what it is you need,
but once presented with the need, they can confirm whether
it is a need of yours or not. But be careful as sometimes people
will unconsciously impose their own needs on you. To avoid
this problem, just take the quiz as it isn’t biased.
If you are struggling to pick your needs out of this list, good!
I hope you are beginning to see how ridiculous it is to assume
that your romantic partner should meet all your needs when
it isn’t particularly easy to pull them out of a list yourself. You
can stop struggling and go ahead to Chapter 4 to take the Emo-
tional Index Quiz to identify your top four needs, or, if you feel
confident that you have established your top four needs, you
are ready to move on to the needs fulfilment process which
begins in Chapter 5.

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