ENGLISH JOKES

TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" JOHNNY : "Because George still had the ax in his hand." ______________ TEACHER : Now, ! Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SAM : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLIE : Me! ______________ TEACHER : Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ______________ TEACHER ELLEN TEACHER ELLEN : Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I." : I is... : No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am." : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." _____________ TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." _____________ TEACHER : Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND : No, teacher, it's the same dog! ______________ TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPIL : A teacher.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry Husband and wife become two sides of a coin after the marriage; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berl Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Q: What is the similarity between men and rats? A: Both keep searching for new holes. Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble. Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology? A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology. Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised? A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day. Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!! A: The boy friend's hand. Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"? A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front". Q: Secret of long life A: Morning two eggs, evening two pegs... and night two legs A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation... "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves." Learning Part You will understand the joke if you know that the author play with word "shoot and leave." The meaning of shoot in the manual means "a part of bamboo" and leaves mean "a green part of tree" but panda misunderstood the meaning.

In an anatomy class, a professor teaches his students with the real dead body. Every students stand around the surgery table. The dead body lie there covering by a big white blanket. The professor starts teaching " To be a good doctor, there are two important things that everyone of you have to keep in mind. The first one is NEVER FEEL DISGUSTING WITH THE BODY" The professor then open the blanket and slowly poke his finger deeply to the dead body's anus, spin the finger and suck it right in front of the students. The professor said to everyone "do it Hurry!" The students are all feeling very disgusting with the bizarre example but they all decide to do it just to satisfy the professor. After everyone is done, the professor strongly stare at everyone and said out loud. "Well, the second important thing for being a good doctor is that "BE OBSERVANT." If you noticed it you would see that I poke my middle finger in the anus but suck my index finger!!" Learning Part

The students did not realize that the doctor use different finger so they all got fooled by him and suck the finger they use to poke the anus (yuck!!) Anatomy = The science of body structure and organism Surgery = Medical Operation Disgusting = Highly offensive with something Poke = Push or jab Bizarre = Extremely unconventional style or manner Observant = Quick to perceive or apprehend Middle finger = Second finger between index finger and ring finger Index finger = Finger next to thumb

Chinese and Spielberg One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic, myforefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same." Learning Part The author plays with the word "berg" Autograph = Person's signature Slap = Sharp hit with hand

Astonish = Sudden amaze Sank = Past tense of sink means slow go down into water/ submerge Forefather = Ancestor / family member in the old time

Four friend at a party Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at thebottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.

His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!! Learning Part Very funny...... Reunite = Person's signature Pride = A sense of one's own value Ladder = Sharop hit with hand Terrific = Sudden amazement Stripper = Past tense of sink means slow go down into water/ submerge Shame = Ancestor / family member in the old time Disappointment = Feeling unhappy that the result is not as expected. Ashamed = embarrassing feeling

Employee Memo Memo to all employees: In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I...T). For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T). Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T) P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank you for your time. ! Sincerely, The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T) Learning Part The author makes fun of the acronym S.H.I.T. It's the bad sarcastic that all the elements in the organizations are just a shit Assure = Person's signature Productivity = The quality of being productive Supervisor = Person who in charge of one department or working unit Immediately = Without delay Emphasize = Stress. To pay strong attention on something Bureau = A subdivision of a department Sarcastic = Ironic to mark intended to wounds

What time is it?

A tramp lie down and sleep in the park. He had been sleeping for about 5 minutes when a couple walked by. The man stopped, woke the tramp up , and asked him, "Excuse me. Do you know what the time is?" The tramp replied, "I'm sorry - I don't have a watch, so I don't know the time." The man apologised for waking the tramp and the couple walked away. The tramp lay down again, and after a few minutes went back to sleep. Just then, a woman, who was out walking her dog, shook the tramp's shoulder until he woke up again. The woman said, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I'm afraid I've lost my watch - do you happen to know the time?" The tramp was a little annoyed at being woken up again, but he politely told the woman that he didn't have a watch and didn't know the time. After the woman had gone, the tramp had an idea.

He opened the bag that contained all his possessions and got out a pen, a piece of paper and some string. On the paper, he wrote down, 'I do not have a watch. I do not know the time'. He then hung the paper round his neck and eventually dropped off again. After about 15 minutes, a policeman who was walking through the park noticed the tramp asleep on the bench, and the sign around his neck. He woke the tramp up and said, "I read your sign. I thought you'd like to know that it's 2:30 p.m." Learning Part Tramp = Homeless person Apologize = To make excuse for a fault or offense Politely = Adv for Politely. Refine / Showing consideration for others Contain = To have as component part

Possession = Noun for possess. To own something

Difficult/ Easy questions In one interview, the interviewer got impatient about one guy because he could answer all the questions so quickly and arrogantly. "Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind." The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question." I "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the oppositeside. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?" The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir." "How??" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.) "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!" Admission for the course was thus secured. Learning Part Impatient = Unable to wait for some delay Arrogantly = Adv. for arrogant. Under too much pride or self-importance Opposite = Locate across something else or from each other Jolt = To move in a sudden manner

Weight loss

A wife saw her husband weight himself on thescale trying to pull in the stomach. The weight thought he is trying to reduce his weight on the scale. So she said. "You know. I don't think that will help you anything" The husband replies "Of course it helps. It is the only way I can see the number on the scale" Learning Part Check the word pull in the stomach and imagine. Then you will understand this joke. Scale = A device used when you want to measure your weight Pull in the stomach = Deeply inhale to reduce the size of your stomach

Saving method An uncle has been waiting for the bus at the bus stops. After few minutes, the bus arrives but did not stop at the bus stop. The uncle thought it will stop a bit further so he start running after the bus. Unfortunately, the bus never stop. It keeps running. The uncle keeps following the bus until he realizes that he arrives home already. The uncle is very happy that he can save a bit of money today. He happily told his wife "Honey, you know, today I ran after the bus until arriving home. I don't have to pay the bus fee" "Stupid" instead of compliment, the wife surprisingly blames her husband. "Do you know how much you can save, if you ran after taxi!!" Learning Part It's a stupid joke. The wife thought her husband can save more money if he ran after the taxi because the taxi fee is normally more expensive than the bus fee. Arrive = Reach the destination Further = More distant (Comparative of far) Unfortunately = Unlucky Fee =A charge for services

Surprisingly = Adv. fo surprise Blame = To find fault on someone

The power of love Wife : You keep my photo in the wallet all the time? Husband : Sure honey. When I have problems, I will look at your photo and the problems always seem to be gone. Wife : See? I am your miracle right? Husband : Of course. when I look at you I realize that what in the world could cause me more trouble!!

Fair trade A husband comfortably laid down on the couchbefore his wife comes in and ask "Can you fix the light in the bathroom for me?" "Do you think I work for General Electric?" The husband replied. "Can you fix the refrigerator?" The wife asked again. "Do you think i work for Samsung?" same replied by the husband. "So, can you just bring the parcel to the post office please?" The wife asked for one last time. "Let me tell you something. I don't work for FedEx either ok?" The husband cruelly replied. The husband feel so annoying by his wife and angrily leave the house. When he got home. He surprisingly found that the light and refriegerator were well fixed and the parcel was gone. He asked his wife. "How do you handle all of these?" The wife said "Well, I was crying in front of the house when you leave. One guy walked pass and ask if there was anything he can help. I told him everything and he offer me that he would do everything for me if I either make love with him or bake him some cookies.

The husband asked. "So, what kind of cookies did you make for him?" "Cookies? Do you think I work for Oreo?" Replied by his wife.

Dear Boss Dear Boss, People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes

People who do less work... make less mistakes People who do no work... make no mistakes

People who make no mistakes... gets promoted

That's why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work I need a promotion.

What is Marketing? You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,

"He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich...? That's Brand Recognition. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback

Heart Problem Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Forgetful Couple

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it ?" Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." Then he toddles to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. Learning Part toddle = Walking slowly stare= Look at something or someone directly and strongly. toast = A heated bread Frogetful Couple2 An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly". The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said,

"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Newborn Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really !? Like a newborn baby !?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants".

Hard of hearing An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listento the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Learning Part hearing aid = A sharp point at the leaf or stem

Will = a legal document declaring a person's wishes regarding the disposal of their property when they die

Stress Reliever 1 Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why ? Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever 2 Stress Reliever .. 2 A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me afortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE" ________________ Stress Reliever .. 3 Father to son after exam: " Let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." Stress Reliever .. 4 Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. __________________________________________ Stress Reliever .. 5 A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?" He replied: "Depends, if I can find a phone."

Life after marry

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet. Kind Daddy Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Golfing Wife to husband: " What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear." Wife to husband: " What ? At 2 am ? " Husband to wife: " Yes, We used night clubs."

Blind Date " How was your blind date ? " a college student asked her roommate. " Terrible ! " the roommate answered. " He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce". " Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that ? " " He was the original owner."

The True Love of Millionaire Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? " Millionaire: " I owe everything to my wife." Interviewer: "She must be some woman. What were you before you married her ? " Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

Pamela Stamp Pamela Stamp "Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?" Answer: "Because people started licking the wrong side." __________________________________________ Funny wife A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."

Smart Kids 1 TEACHER WEBSTER TEACHER WEBSTER : Why are you late? : Because of the sign. : What sign : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." _____________ TEACHER : Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? CINDY : You told me to do it without using tables! TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH : H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER : What are you talking about? SARAH : Yesterday you said it's H to O! ______________ TEACHER : George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE : Here it is! TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS : George! _____________ TEACHER : Jo, how do you spell "crocodile?" JOHN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER : No, that's wrong JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!