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i sweep myself, i wonder. once i woke up to a fine fire in my belly wanting your sweet frame wrapped around mine and all the glory of that goodness, a goodness i thought was lost,found but now i wonder. now your blue eyes have gone to steel and my stomach aches for a different reason, the torque of your disapproval and your oh so rightness in the face of my broken heart, did you ever love me like you said? i wonder. there was a dear pulsing underneath your awkward ways and some strength of heart or so i thought but you cannot bear me as i am and now i have to choose between me and you, what kind of choice is that i wonder i pack my things, leaving the things that will remind me of the days you bought them for me a little dance of dowry, the dream of champagne laced vows and the rose gold garnets on my finger snapped up by the cold cold look in your eye, that pride and refusal to break and be remade into a man of gold and tears and not just excuses for why you won't talk to me even about the simple things. i wonder what i was thinking when i said i would come to you and trust you with my heart was it someone i wanted you to be or was it something i wanted to see in my mirror a woman treasured for her own deep or was i fleeing the loneliness of that sunset that looms in front of me every day even as i wake. i don't think i will ever know but i will ask them as i close the red door for the last time and at our last unspoken goodbye and wonder wonder wonder.