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by L.A. Roger & E.A. Lanham
WGA Reg. #1154537
L.A. Roger & E.A. Lanham 1576 East Cottonwood Lane #1129 Casa Grande, AZ 85222 520-423-2137
FADE IN: EXT. Tijuana market district day
TOM (V.O.) In my younger and more impressionable days, I truly believed that America was the greatest country on Earth. The land of freedom and justice and even opportunity. Then I got a little older. My childhood pride had turned to the idea that, at least, America meant well. A few more years under my belt and it all went to hell. And me right along with it. TOM LEADER and his wife, CASSANDRA, and son, BJORN, are shopping and goofing off with loud Mexican MUSIC playing in the background. They are seen laughing, smiling, and eating while walking on the street. Tom is a middle-aged, pudgy, white man of average height. He is fond of wearing Hawaiian shirts, Bermuda shorts, and Ked's sneakers. He does not have facial hair except for beard and chronic moustache stubble. Bjorn is an average-looking teenager. Cassandra is a good-looking, middle-aged woman of Latino descent who speaks in broken English. EXT. U.S.-MEXICO BORDER CROSSING DAY
A MEXICAN WOMAN is begging on the street while sitting down and nursing a baby. Tom gives her a dollar bill. A sign reads "Now Entering the United States." Tom and his family are waiting in a line to enter the U.S. Street peddlers are seen offering goods to people in cars waiting to cross the border (traffic jam back-up). Tom and his family walk back to their car, a GM, which is parked on the U.S. side of the border.
2 Their car has a bumper sticker which reads "America, love it or leave it."
Tom? YOUNG TOM Really? TEACHER Certainly. Tom. YOUNG TOM Even a woman? . CLASSROOM OF LIBERACE ELEMENTARY DAY TEACHER." Medium shot of teacher with blackboard behind her. INT. either an African-American or Latina woman. is at the front of the room. 1967 LIBERACE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL DAY STUDENTS are going inside the building. Bermuda shorts. This is not true of some other countries. He is a meek child wearing a Hawaiian shirt. and Keds tennis shoes. TEACHER So does anyone know what "democracy" means? BELLIGERENT STUDENT (whispering to his friends who start giggling) Yeah. anyone has the right to run for President. He raises his hand to comment about the foregoing statement. TEACHER Yes. TEACHER The great thing about American democracy is that every little boy or girl can grow up to become President of the United States.3 TITLE OVER: EXT. it means I can do any fuckin' thing I want. In America. teaching students about "democracy. YOUNG TOM is sitting at his desk.
Tom. Tom. FRANK and TEEN TOM are average. . Tom. I guess that eliminates Britney Spears. Tom.4 TEACHER Yes. YOUNG TOM (V. Tom is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. 1977 RON JEREMY HIGH SCHOOL DAY TEENAGERS are walking on school grounds in front of school's sign. TITLE OVER: EXT. do you listen when I talk? YOUNG TOM How about a crazy person or an undocumented worker? TEACHER Enough.) (thinking) Hmm. YOUNG TOM What about a black person? TEACHER (a little hesitantly) Of course.O. normal looking teenagers of the late 70s. YOUNG TOM So not a crazy person? TEACHER Shut up. YOUNG TOM What about a black woman? TEACHER (losing her temper) Tom.
TEEN TOM Do you have a date? FRANK Kelly Gross. . But I still don't see what was wrong with ‘Young Americans'. TEEN TOM The aptly named Kelly Gross. for a prom? Wasn't that the faculty contribution? FRANK I think so. I'm going anyway. too. "You know. "Go Your Own Way" is a great song. now? "Fly Like an Eagle" and "Go Your Own Way"? TEEN TOM Yeah. What are the choices. When's the vote? At 1:30. I think so. FRANK Me." TEEN TOM (laughing) Don't need to tell me twice. back up. FRANK What's that supposed to mean? TEEN TOM Think about it. I like ‘Fly Like an Eagle'. Frank clues in after a moment's thought. man. It's like they think they have to kick us out. FRANK So what are you voting for? TEEN TOM Well.5 FRANK (while walking) So. But. dumb-ass.
Tom.S. okay. INT. Tom. LOCKERS DAY. RON JEREMY H. Sorry.. Anyway. .. I thought maybe you'd want. TEEN TOM "All the News They'll Let Us Print. Tom slams his locker shut and walks away. LILLY ELY (in bashful admiration) So.6 FRANK (good naturedly) Shut up... um. LILLY Maybe all three of us. Lilly.. that we could.." FRANK (laughing at the oftrepeated joke) More like "Unfair and Chemically Imbalanced. LILLY Oh.. You know. LILLY ELY is trying to talk to Tom who is pointedly ignoring her. what's going on with you? TEEN TOM Not much. it's lunch time. Tom. I promised Charlotte that I would eat with her today. But I don't have time to talk. TEEN TOM Can't. I'll see you at the newspaper meeting." Tom waves..
teacher continues to shout. I need your attention just for a moment. Tom waves absently over his shoulder and keeps walking. RON JEREMY H. class. LILLY Okay. (louder) Excuse me. TEACHER (continues) Class. thank you. INT. TEACHER (continues) Oh.I want remind everyone that story for this issue controversy over the song of the upcoming to our hot is the official prom. then. Maybe another time. NEWSPAPER STAFF ROOM DAY Teenagers are walking around and talking to each other. TEACHER If I can have your attention class. Tom.S. Lilly tries to pitch her voice to Tom's rapidly retreating form and eventually gives up. It was nice talking to you. . please The class begins to quiet. The teacher tries to get the attention of her students.7 Without turning. okay. As the class becomes quiet. Some are on the telephone.
K. It's like the freakin' Electoral College. The student council pisses me off. just chucked 'em out the window and held their hands over their hearts while they watched them flutter away in the breeze. I think it is important to write the story in terms of the principal issue that the student council brought up. Jesus. man. man. the student council has overridden the song choices "Fly Like An Eagle" and "Go Your Own Way" and has chosen the Beatles' "Long And Winding Road". just the scope. Tom is talking quietly to MALE STUDENT.? Meanwhile. It's just the scope. It's just like everything else. They probably didn't even count the votes. why did they choose a Paul McCartney song given that he was vocal about marijuana use being O. Is "Fly Like An Eagle" referring to drugs as the council believes and if so. It doesn't matter. . Have you ever really thought about the Electoral College.8 (MORE) TEACHER (CONT'D) As you may already know. TOM Besides the fact that the song's depressing as hell. Why waste our time with a "vote" when they're gonna do whatever they want anyway. MALE STUDENT Who? The Electoral College or the Student Council? TEEN TOM That's my whole point.
LISA. TOM (as the two reenter store) Good morning. You lost me at "depressing. RECORD STORE DAY Tom arrives at the record store and parks in the empty parking lot. TITLE OVER: 1979 EXT. RECORD STORE DAY Tom enters backroom and turns off silent alarm system. and enters.9 MALE STUDENT Whatever." Hey. Tom opens the door. It's no use. Tom. opens the door with his key. Lisa. why don't you talk to your girlfriend on the council and tell her we want it changed back to "Fly Like An Eagle?" TEEN TOM She can't or won't do anything. Tom walks up to the front door of the record store. knocks on the clear glass door. Tom returns to the front and performs various duties. I've talked to her and she just says that the council is adamant about their song selection. you doing today? How are . That's politics. Or won't. LISA Good morning. Tom. INT. an employee.
TOM How much do you think we'd take in? LISA Nothing. LISA Works for me. TOM How much do you think we would lose? Everything. hour. After you punch in. And I was up all night thinking about it. would you mind getting started on the new releases inventory? LISA Sure thing. LISA Within the first TOM Shoots that idea all to hell. leave the door unlocked and a little can on top of the cash register that says "PLEASE PAY HERE. What do you say we just walk out of here. . okay? LISA (snickering) Got it. big guy. TOM (holds his hand to his head and groans) Don't ever call me "boss" again." We'll start running the whole operation on the Honor System. boss.10 TOM Tired.
I . OFFICER #2 Okay. RECORD STORE DAY Tom approaches the front area while OFFICER #1 and OFFICER #2 enter the store and head towards Tom. One of the officers is a little person in cop uniform. kid.11 Tom heads to the backroom.. TOM I don't understand. Tom loads the car with record albums until the car is full. first off. in his/her car.. puzzled and nervous) Wait a minute. Don't you have to tell me what I'm charged with first? Officer #2 begins to put the handcuffs securely on Tom's wrists. Tom opens the door and greets the employee. BEHIND RECORD STORE DAY Another EMPLOYEE. TOM (continues. never. Well. waits for Tom at the back door of the record store. EXT. Tom closes and locks the back door and the car drives away. I don't think this storeowner would appreciate that you are taking records from the store without permission. TOM Can I help you? The officers begin putting handcuffs on Tom. INT. Let's see. OFFICER #1 Are you Tom Leader? Yes.
kid? TOM Not very well.12 OFFICER #1 You loaded a bunch of records into the back of another kid's car. he was a driver. You know this driver. OFFICER #1 (to the other officer) You see. OFFICER #2 Yeah. Jesus. but that was standard inventory rotation. TOM (under his breath) I hope I'm not Bonnie. well. I give the records to the driver. But he's been picking up records for us as long as I've been here. He takes them to the next store. how many times do I have to go over this with you? OFFICER #2 Fine. right? TOM Yes. He drove. OFFICER #1 He was driving. Ergo. This guy didn't drop any records off at any store. not an "alleged" driver. . He made a beeline straight to his house. Your alleged driver wasn't headed for a store. didn't I tell you they were another Bonnie and Clyde? You owe me five bucks.
Mr. . You are entitled to an attorney. TOM Sorry. sir. Do you understand each of these rights? Tom is put into the back of the police car. There's been a mistake. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. OFFICER #1 (nodding his approval at the other officer) Well put.. officers listen. OFFICER #2 (cuffing Tom in the back of the head again) Shut up. If you cannot afford an attorney. partner. Now.. TOM (sad) Yes. an attorney will be appointed to you. kid. But.13 OFFICER #2 (slapping Tom in the back of the head) Don't be a wise ass. Leader. I gave them to our regular – and I thought reputable – driver and. please. He might have been stealing but I had nothing to do with it. You have the right to remain silent. I've got a shipping invoice for transferring the records to the store in Texas. then.
Officer #1 turns his head and talks to Tom from the front seat. OFFICER #2 (interest piqued) Oh. TOM Just one. OFFICER #2 (turning to face Tom) Are you not getting it. . I sold records. OFFICER #1 Very interesting. Shut the hell up. do you. Good job (sic). kid. you'll never work in the music business again. We'll run a check on that when we get back to the station. INT. Well. TOM (under his breath) I didn't work in the "music business. standing at a table on the left. is professionally dressed. yeah? TOM (inspired) The Premier. You don't have any aliases we should check out. Tommy." jackass.14 OFFICER #1 One last thing. COURTROOM DAY PROSECUTOR. You can count on it.
Judge Snot. Leader. furious) That's "S. well. Mr. JUDGE I've reviewed the proposed plea agreement and find it acceptable to this Court. "Judge S. do you have anything to say at this time? TOM Yes. as for committing the crime. Knott. I don't think that it's fair that--." you little punk. Judge is a BAILIFF is inspecting his gun in the courtroom. But.15 Tom and TOM'S LAWYER stand on the right side of the halffull courtroom. isn't it? Tom hangs his head down. JUDGE (interrupting Tom. The judge shoots Tom a look at the "suppose. now. your Honor." stern-looking man. . too. I suppose it is." TOM I'm sorry. I did not commit this crime. your Honor. Tom is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. I have been unjustly accused of a crime I did not commit. TOM Yes. not "Snot. white pants. that's up to me." but says nothing. and a solid colored tie. as I was saying. as if waiting for the hangman to bring the noose. I couldn't quite see from here. JUDGE's nameplate reads. Knott. JUDGE I'll decide what's "unjust" and.
Tom. But your honor. shut up! (speaking to Judge) Yes. I hereby sentence you to probation for a period of two years." TOM (whispering to lawyer) Fine. your Honor. (whispers to Tom) Cool it. your Honor. are you really well hung? JUDGE Excuse me? Alright. Leader that by entering into this plea agreement he is admitting guilt in this matter?" TOM (panicky) Wait! I didn't admit anything. (aloud) Yes. Forgive us. have you informed Mr. TOM'S LAWYER (whispers to Tom) Tom. Snot here is known as the "hanging judge.16 JUDGE Counsel. . Knott is not just a clever name. I accept the plea agreement and admit that I'm guilty. Mr. You are also ordered to take ten anger management classes. in accordance with the terms of the plea agreement. Alright. Leader. I get it... your Honor.
Mr. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF COURTROOM DAY LAWYER (walking away) I'm truly sorry. too stunned to speak simply stares at the ground and shakes his head INT. People go to jail all the time who aren't guilty. TITLE OVER: TODAY EXT. I don't have an anger management problem. JUDGE You will. suburban. twostory home. but that's just the way it is. I don't want you engaging in homosexual sex in jail--if that's your thing. counsel. Leader. I was just joking about probation.17 TOM But your honor. you must report to the county jail for a period of 30 days and your sentence shall commence on January 22nd. Tom. That'll be all. Tom. TOM Where are you going? LAWYER I have a lunch date with the prosecutor's sister. never raising his head. TOM'S HOME DAY Tom and Cassandra live in a middle-class. It's built into the system. Tom continues to shuffle along. . One more thing.
CASSANDRA Have a good day at work. you're going to be late. You'd better get going. If only. The two cars almost crash. Bjorn is eating cereal with box in view. BJORN Dad. dear. KITCHEN OF TOM'S HOME DAY Tom. Me. Cassandra and Bjorn are also in kitchen. too. Tom stops abruptly. that's very nice. Tom heads for the door with a cup of hot coffee in hand. dressed casually. TOM'S HOUSE DAY CASSANDRA Bye. lady. Tom. spilling hot coffee all over himself. Other driver HONKS horn. BJORN Love you. seated at the kitchen table. The other driver. TOM I'm leaving. . I'm leaving. EXT. Dad.18 INT. CASSANDRA He's right. flips Tom off. an elderly woman. Cassandra is sipping coffee. He backs out of driveway as another car is passing by without Tom noticing. Tom walks out of his house and gets into his car. pours himself some coffee. TOM Love you two. TOM (to himself) Oh.
He's a pretty big guy. I need a . Shit. or something. TOM God. Let's see what we've got today.19 Tom's car drives down the street until it goes completely out of sight. The cowboy in the tight jeans. INT. He enters his cubicle and sits down. TOM (speaking softly to himself) This is what happens when technology meets capitalism.m. what a day. I always liked that guy better anyway. sincerely friendly. A guy selling advertising tattoos on his chest. Who knows? Something may catch the eye of my fat ass. Does that make me gay? TITLE OVER: 5:00 p. I wonder what the postage on that would be. This is new. E-BAY OFFICE BUILDING DAY Tom walks through his office and says his "hellos" and "good mornings". Just how many thirty year old pictures of Loni Anderson are there out there? She was on that show – what was it called? It was in Chicago. he was better looking than Loni Anderson. For god's sake. Hang on. Sotheby's for the great unwashed who never have to get off their fat asses. Tom shuffles papers and goes through files on his desk. drink.
Female DANCERS are on stage before a moderate size audience. FANNY’S EXCLUSIVE MEN’S CLUB EVENING MUSIC is playing very loud. . Stripper approaches Tom and puts her buttocks in his face. Tom looks at stripper while her back and buttocks are displayed. TOM (excitedly) Yeah. Tom puts a five dollar bill on the dance floor. baby. Tom motions to WAITRESS for a drink. I am so sorry. Tom is seated in the front row near the dancers on stage. Stripper squats and presumably picks up the five dollar bill with her crotch. God." Tom drives into parking lot and walks into the club. Waitress. INT. in skimpy clothes. STRIPPER (turning around to face Tom) Oh. I can't believe I did that. She completely disrobes. Multi-colored lights are circulating around the nightclub. That's what I like. FANNY’S EXCLUSIVE MEN’S CLUB EVENING "The Place Where The club has a sign outside that reads: You Can See Big Women's Titties. Stripper dances erotically and takes off her bra and throws it on Tom's head. brings a beer to Tom.20 EXT. You naughty girl! All of a sudden the stripper releases a loud flatulence into Tom's face and the music stops just a second before she does. STRIPPER catches his eye so he motions her over. Stripper is in her 20s and is extremely sexy. Tom watches the dancers.
CASSANDRA (with a letter in hand) Tom. STRIPPER (continues) No.21 TOM No it was an. The stripper is openly pleased as she begins her "Tit Routine. STRIPPER You're gay. . you looked like you needed it. TOM Thanks very much. TOM'S HOUSE NIGHT Tom enters his home through the front door. It's just that.. Tom downs his beer and then begins to get up to leave. no. I have some bad news.. well. STRIPPER I've been gassy all day. don't go. but I really must be going. Let me show you what I can do with my tits." INT. please. I'm home. TOM Honey. I'm so sorry. I should have known better than to stick my ass in your face. aren't you? TOM (incensed) Hell. honor to be farted on by an artist such as yourself. Show me what those tits can do! But then I've really got to go.
it's a joke. CASSANDRA Tom.000. INT. What can we do for you today? . there's been some kind of error. CASSANDRA Okay.000. by all means call me Tom.00 in the past three years. Cassandra. TOM Thank God. This is no joke. IRS AGENT Whatever.K. I'll just go down to the IRS office tomorrow and clear this up. The IRS wants $500.. This has got to be a mistake.22 Cassandra hands letter to Tom. TOM $500. He begins to read. Mr.000. flag and IRS symbol in background.00? Please tell me this is joke. TOM But we didn't even earn $500. CASSANDRA I didn't mean that. IRS OFFICE DAY Internal Revenue Service logo shown on outside of office door. Leader. dear. what are we going to do? TOM O. IRS AGENT and Tom are sitting across from each other at a desk with a U. Obviously. IRS agent is goofy-looking.S. IRS AGENT Well.00 in back taxes for the past three years. TOM Oh.
000 bucks worth. You're the one with $400..23 TOM There's apparently been some error. (hands letter to IRS Agent) I received this notice which says I owe $500. TOM What is it? IRS AGENT (moving away from his computer) Well. IRS AGENT Whatever. IRS AGENT (inquisitively) Let's just check my little computer.00 to the IRS. Hmmm. Oh. That's income. TOM I can't believe this shit. It appears that you failed to report the cancellation of your SBA loans... by the way.. Mr. TOM What the hell is "Terminal Furniture?" IRS AGENT You tell me.00 to Terminal Furniture..000. You also owe $400. There's been no mistake. Leader. I didn't even earn that much during those three years. . TOM Just call me Tom.000. I see what happened.
why you would bother to distinguish –IRS AGENT Mr. we are dealing with what is officially called "Non-Farm Income. instead of one. . in your case.24 IRS AGENT The IRS does not deal in shit. exactly? IRS AGENT We would allow you to pay it off in five years. Leader.000. Leader. TOM I don't understand. Unless you own a farm. TOM Alright. IRS AGENT Precisely.00 a year. TOM Which would mean what. what do I do now? IRS AGENT You could apply for a payment plan. TOM But I don't own a farm. then. Mr." TOM "Non-Farm Income?" IRS AGENT Yes. what the IRS does or does not do is its own business. TOM That's $100. However.
So that impossible payment plan is my only option? IRS AGENT (cheerily) Yup. Tom.25 IRS AGENT (typing rapidly into calculator) Yes. TOM (dejected) Got it. (impressed) Very quick. Then he turns and leaves. TOM Right. Mr. or whatever. Mr. Leader. IRS AGENT Terminal Furnishings. Thanks for all your help. indeed. IRS AGENT (holding out letter to Tom) Oh. by any chance? TOM If I were I would have known better than to buy so many Chronic Couches. it is. Are you a mathematician. IRS AGENT (calling after Tom) I hope you made a copy of that! . You forgot your letter! TOM (taking the letter) Thanks Tom stands directly in front of IRS Agent's desk stuffs the letter into his mouth and proceeds to eat it. Yes.
Al "Slimey" Rippenoff. continues to wait. CONGRESSMAN'S RECEPTION AREA MORNING She is polishing her CONGRESSMAN's SECRETARY greets Tom. irritated.M.M. How can I be of assistance? TOM Good morning. nails as Tom enters. CONGRESSMAN'S RECEPTION AREA 8:00 A. Tom approaches the secretary's desk." INT. INT. TOM Excuse me. SECRETARY Hello. HALLWAY IN FEDERAL BUILDING DAY Office door reads "Office of U. .S. Representative . CONGRESSMAN'S RECEPTION AREA 10:00 A. Tom sitting in lobby. CONGRESSMAN'S RECEPTION AREA 1:30 P. INT.26 INT. but I've been here since 8:00 a.m. Just have a seat and he'll see you in just a minute. sir. Tom. sir. My name is Tom Leader and I would like to speak with Congressman Rippenoff regarding a dispute with the IRS.M. INT. SECRETARY Certainly. and you said that the Congressman would see me in just a minute.
I'll send him right in. are you gay? TOM (resignedly) No.K. CONGRESSMAN'S OFFICE DAY The Congressman is putting his belt on and zips up his pants. TOM Well. you can go in now. up.. Tom enters Congressman's office. CONGRESSMAN Of course. CONGRESSMAN (confused) The Internal Revenue Service? TOM The IRS. I was wondering if I could discuss with you a little difficulty I'm having with the Internal Revenue Service. I'll see what's holding him. sir. O. why didn't you say so in the first place? So what seems to be the problem with the (emphasizing the acronym) IRS? . God. INT. Congressman.27 SECRETARY Certainly. CONGRESSMAN What. the IRS. O.K. (talking on the phone) Yes. at least it was vital business you were taking care of. Leader. Congressman. Mr. SEXY LADY comes out of the Congressman's office just as Tom is entering the door.
I did bring my returns and receipts. Did you bring your tax returns and records with you? TOM Yes.00. TOM (upset) What creditor was that? . certainly. I recently received a letter from the (with emphasis) the Internal Revenue Service informing me that I owe $500.000.00 in the three years they are talking about.K.000. Tom hands the records to Congressman. Is there anything you can do to help me out of this situation? CONGRESSMAN Certainly. to be honest. O. Congressman.00 that you owed to the creditor. It's all perfectly clear. CONGRESSMAN Yes. $400.000. The fact is. I didn't even earn $500. I see.28 TOM Well. Hmm (reading over various papers) Hmmm. Congressman.000 of which to a company I haven't ever heard of. TOM What is it? CONGRESSMAN I see that one of your creditors wrote off a debt of $400. I'm not very happy.. I see what happened.
But CONGRESSMAN Best to you and yours. TOM (perplexed and upset) Terminal Furniture? I've never even heard of Terminal Furniture.000.00. Thank you for coming in. Mr. I have always supported equal rights for people such as yourself. Secretary is polishing her toenails with her on the desk. Always glad to be of service to an upstanding citizen of questionable sexual persuasion. TOM I'm not. Leader. Mr.00. INT. TOM (leaving the office) Son of a bitch. DAY CONGRESSMAN'S RECEPTION AREA Congressman escorts Tom out of his office.000. Leader but it's abundantly clear that you owe the IRS $500. CONGRESSMAN Well.. Mr. Leader. Cancellation of a debt is deemed to be income for tax purposes. never mind.. I'm sorry. that's all? Yup. Remember the next time that you vote.29 CONGRESSMAN Terminal Furniture. Terminal Furniture filed a form with the IRS indicating that they were canceling your debt of $400. .
I just forgot that day. Panelist #3 awakens suddenly. and PANELIST #3 are behind a large table sitting across from a Tom and Tom's attorney. An applicant for admission to practice law carries the burden of proof to show evidence that the applicant possesses good moral character. Leader. Leader. ATTORNEY #2 is on the left of Tom's table. TOM Just call me "Tom. sir." PANELIST #1 Whatever. Would you like to make a statement before we begin calling witnesses? TOM Yes. PANELIST #3 (murmuring) I don't give a shit. Panelist #3 is asleep and occasionally snoring loud.30 INT. PANELIST #2 Mr. isn't failure to wash your hands after going to the bathroom against the law? . PANELIST #1 The State Bar Court has reviewed your petition to practice law. The three panelists are all dressed very well. Mr. STATE BAR COURT DAY PANELIST #1. PANELIST #2. I do not think that failure to wash my hands once at the Upchuck Restaurant where I worked amounts to bad moral character.
there's a sign on the wall and everything. PANELIST #3 (in unison with panelist #1) Yup. Our findings are as follows: we find that you were grossly negligent in not washing your hands after taking a leak. technically it's just a citation for an infraction.31 TOM Well. Panelists shuffle papers between them. good God. PANELIST #1 Yup. indeed. PANELIST #3 So you admit it's against the law. (turning to the other panelists) How 'bout you? Panelist #1 and Panelist #3 nod their heads affirmatively. (MORE) . Leader? TOM I suppose so. this Court has ruled that you not be admitted to practice law. PANELIST #1 I mean. excuse me. (snidely) Forgot. PANELIST #1 Mr. after draining the lizard while working for the Upchuck Restaurant. my mind's made up. Mr. PANELIST #2 Well. Leader.
OGLALA SIOUX TRIBAL OFFICES DAY The tribe's official logo is on the office wall. EXT. South Dakota). A photo of American Indian Movement (AIM) inmate Leonard Peltier hangs on the wall." TOM Whatever. My license is about to expire and I would like to renew. we deny your application.32 PANELIST #1 (CONT'D) This was done in violation of the law stated very clearly on a little sign above the sink. Accordingly. . your honor. TOM (dejected) Thank you. PANELIST #2 That's "chairperson. TOM Hi! Or (with heavy emphasis) should I say "How?" (chuckling) I'm Tom Leader and I practice law here. What do I need to do?" RECEPTIONIST (monotone) Fill out these forms and return them to me when you are done. INT. OGLALA SIOUX INDIAN TRIBAL OFFICES DAY Tom enters the office of the Oglala Sioux Nation (Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. Tom is talking with an American Indian female OGLALA RECEPTIONIST.
then. get it? RECEPTIONIST (monotone) Still not funny. But the papers to apply for a comic's license are right here beside the law papers. INT. RECEPTIONIST Okay. funny man. TOM You want to know something funny? I'm a lawyer and I practice law in the Oglala Sioux Nation.33 She hands Tom a large stack of documents. U. .S. if you'd like to give it a shot. So. attorneys sue a lot. TOM No thanks. I guess you could call me a "Sue lawyer" (sic). Why don't you have a seat and fill out your forms? TOM Right. Long pause by receptionist who is not amused and blankly staring at Tom. TOM You know. sir. IMMIGRATION OFFICE DAY Large lines of ethnically diverse people are waiting to be served. sir. Tom sits down and fills in the blanks on the documents. RECEPTIONIST (monotone) That's not funny.
sir? TOM Uh. TOM What number is up right now? INS RECEPTIONIST Number 2. INS RECEPTIONIST You're number 102. (loudly. citizenship. INS RECEPTIONIST You know. INS RECEPTIONIST How can I help you today. to room) Next. My wife is a Mexican citizen and she would like to apply for U. . too. The INS receptionist wipes her eyes and hands Tom a ticket stub. is standing at the entrance with clipboard in hand greets Tom and Cassandra as they enter. TOM I'm sorry if I offended you. a Muslim lady wearing a veil.34 INS RECEPTIONIST. sir. just because I'm gay doesn't mean I am any less qualified than anybody else (crying) You know gay people have feelings. do you work here? INS RECEPTIONIST (snippy tone) I think you are unreasonably profiling me. There is along pause.S. sir.
so I don't forget. It's capitalism. please? Sure. what's it called –. TOM Five dollars?? That's outrageous. Then he proceeds to the next TOM Miss. For seven dollars. person in line. WOMAN #99 Six dollars. MAN #100 For $5. MAN #98 Seven dollars. can I buy your ticket stub from you.35 TOM (to Cassandra) My God. can I buy your ticket stub. . Yes. You demand. huh? Tom hands him a $5 bill. I better write that on my hand.inflation. TOM We can't wait all day. there are 100 people ahead of us. Supply and demand. Sir. I supply. TOM This could cost a bundle. MAN #100 No. TOM What's wrong with $5? WOMAN #99 It's –.oh. Not bad. right? I'm practicing for my citizenship test.
36 Tom buys the ticket stubs from everyone in line up to the first person. INS WORKER (loudly, to everybody) O.K., that's all for today. Everyone else you must come back tomorrow. Thank you. TOM No, they can't be serious. (motioning to INS worker) Wait, Sir. INS WORKER Yes, sir. TOM I don't mean to complain but I just spent over $400 to get up to this place in line. Please don't close until you see us. I'll pay you $100 just to see us. INS WORKER Did you just offer me a bribe? TOM Would you take one? INS WORKER Sir, don't make me start legal proceedings against you. I don't really feel like taking the time, to be honest. CASSANDRA Come on, Tom. It's not worth it. Cassandra begins pulling Tom out of the office.
37 TOM (yelling) Alright. I'm sorry for impugning your integrity. Tom and Cassandra quickly leave. INT. CIA MEETING ROOM DAY
A large CIA logo is in the middle of the floor with tables around the perimeter. PROCTOR is at entrance to the room, handing out paper and pencils to each of the TEST TAKERS entering the room. PROCTOR O.K. Let's get started. Let's just confirm that everyone here is taking the Central Intelligence Agency exam. Is there anyone who is not here for the CIA test? There is a short pause before an UNIDENTIFIED MAN stands up. UNIDENTIFIED MAN CIA Test? Shit, no. I'm here to get a dog license. Unidentified man exits. PROCTOR Right, then. You will have one hour to complete the test. When the test ends, you must immediately put down your pencils. Are there any questions? (beat) If not, you can start the test... Proctor pauses. test takers... Then, loudly, as if trying to frighten the PROCTOR Now. Tom has his head bowed looking at the CIA employment exam. He taps his pencil nervously.
38 Tom is perplexed by some of the questions. TOM (exclaiming) What the --! Rotating crops? TEST TAKERS Shhhh..! PROCTOR (to Tom) Is there a problem, sir? No, sir. TOM I'm sorry.
Test continues with Tom reading to himself. TOM Please check all careers you would like to pursue.... Do I want to be President of the United States? (beat) No, too obvious. Do I want a career as leader of a foreign country? Hmmm... Should I? (beat) Hmmm... Yeah, I'll go for that! This might trigger an investigation, but what the hell. Tom exits after handing his test papers to the proctor. EXT. REMOTE DESERT CREMATORIUM NIGHT
The moon is full. Several WORKERS are walking around outside carrying unidentifiable large parcels. INT. REMOTE DESERT CREMATORIUM NIGHT
The ovens have large ROARING fires within while workers put corpses into them. The workers are covered in blood, and body fat pools on the floor.
Worker #1 looks at a body on the floor. REMOTE DESERT CREMATORIUM NIGHT Smoke comes out of crematorium smoke stacks.. he comes across something odd. . various dead bodies can be seen laying around on the floor. EXT. As he examines internet auctions on eBay.. WORKER #1 I wonder what this poor soul did to get snuffed by the CIA. INT. WORKER #2 Who cares. WORKER #2 (yelling back) Where to? WORKER #1 (still yelling) I don't know. WORKER #1 Let's go to lunch. just some barbeque food I guess. As workers exit. He places it on the ledge of a cremation oven.39 WORKER #1 has a "Big Gulp" drink from 7-Eleven is taking a sip from it while shaking it back and forth. Worker #1 pulls a gold tooth out of a corpse's mouth and puts it in his pocket and yells to his partner. E-BAY OFFICE BUILDING DAY Tom walks to his cubicle and begins making inaudible phone calls. Let's ditch this place for a while. Then he begins working on his computer.
Minimum bid $2. INT. Tom watches in anticipation. TOM'S HOME EVENING Tom rushes into the house. Tom enters a bid of $2. E-BAY OFFICE BUILDING Time passes. O. INT. TOM We're moving! CASSANDRA .K. it's legit. (beat) Wait a minute! Am I reading that right? (slowly) Yes. Cassandra. up to 4:59 p.K.00. I probably won't win but what the hell. Clock spins 4:59 PM Tom is watching an eBay internet auction hoping to win an auction.000.40 TOM What in the hell? (quietly reading) The government of Mexico is offering a 40 acre sovereign land deal.. So what are talking about.m. What? TOM C'mere quick! CASSANDRA O.000.00. E-BAY OFFICE BUILDING 5:00 PM TOM (loudly) Ha-ha! I've got my own country! INT.
Tom. CASSANDRA What was the best thing that ever happened to you. I need a little time to think about it. Tom? TOM The day I married you. So you own a country now? Is that the gist of it? TOM Yes. You're so sweet. . So I bid $2. (very quickly) I was reviewing an Ebay auction and saw that the government of Mexico was auctioning off 40 acres of land to start your own country with. I guess it's all right.00 for the country and I won and now we can move to our own country where we can do whatever we want and… CASSANDRA Slow down.000.41 TOM You'll never believe what happened today. never to be abused again! What do you think? CASSANDRA Well. CASSANDRA Oh. I bet you said that to all of your ex-wives. We can finally get out this country. Tom. TOM (hugging Cassandra) Honey. This is the second happiest day in my entire life. Cassandra. Tom.
BJORN'S BEDROOM EVENING Bjorn is sitting in his room. Dad. revealing his father. BJORN No kidding. CASSANDRA Upstairs.K. way. BJORN O. Dad.42 TOM Where's Bjorn? I need to tell him.. Bjorn sits down on the bed next to Tom. (Tom enters Bjorn's room). BJORN What is it? Bjorn opens door part TOM Can I come in for a minute? BJORN Sure. what's this all about? TOM Well. Dad. INT. son. TOM (sitting down) Come sit down with me. There is a poster on the wall depicting marijuana plants with the words "Got Pot?" There is a KNOCK on Bjorn's door. Pop. things haven't been going well for our family for a long time.. We need to talk. Tom rushes up the stairway. .
TOM I know. But there's more to it. I don't know. TOM I know. watch MTV? And when we get there. Dad. I will be the Premier of the Nation of Heaven. you know all my friends think you're weird. But think of it. BJORN Dad. But listen. You'll see. something unusual has happened and we have an opportunity to improve our lives significantly. I know. it's going to be 40 acres of dried out dirt. isn't it? It just sounds like a lot of work. BJORN You've said that before. Bjorn. Bjorn. TOM But it will pay off big. How are we going to do things like. BJORN If you say so. It will give us a chance to move to someplace where we can set our own rules and not be dependent on anyone any more. BJORN (surprised) "Move?" Well. . This isn't going to help. you know. I bought 40 acres of land from the Mexican government. The Mexican government is allowing us to start our own country on the property.43 TOM Well.
44 They pause for a moment in silence. INT. He finds a book called "How to Start Your Own Country.. LIBRARY DAY Tom approaches the LIBRARIAN. LIBRARIAN Can I help you find something. Could you please tell me where I can find books about government.." He opens the book and speed reads some of the pages. BJORN (shaking his head) He's so gay. particularly the founding of countries and the development of governments in small countries? LIBRARIAN Certainly. . TOM Thank you. TOM (pointing to poster) . Follow me. Librarian escorts Tom to the appropriate section of the library. LIBRARIAN Right here. Tom browses the books. Sir? TOM Yes. sir. Ma'am.and could you please take down that poster? Tom exits. Sir.
This car here is a beauty.45 Tom takes the book and goes to the check out line and the librarian scans his book. my friend. He proceeds to cross the street. He tries to open the car door when the entire door frame comes off. jackass! EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF LIBRARY DAY Tom exits the library with his book in hand. EXT. TOM Hi. Tom is currently looking at a Yugo. . Would you be wanting a car today. USED CAR SALESMAN Hello. sir? (beat) You have a good eye for quality there. DRIVER (as his car passes) Move it. Another car HONKS horn as he narrowly misses Tom in the street. reading the book while walking. USED CAR LOT DAY Tom is browsing a used car lot looking to buy a car and trade in his car when a USED CAR SALESMAN walks up to Tom. TOM (while walking to his car) Cool. STREET DAY Tom's car begins to smoke from the engine while Tom is driving. EXT. He drives the car into a used car lot. Tom leaves.
a collector's item. TOM Ten and thirty gallons. I'd say. He sits in the driver's seat when the seat collapses and Tom falls into the back seat. Just cosmetic.00. but never mind. if you will –. but I'm afraid I haven't got an answer.000. my man. eh? Tom shrugs. Now this is a car. Being a sub-compact. TOM I haven't seen one of these since the seventies. How many miles does it get to the gallon? USED CAR SALESMAN It's a fair question. huh? How much? USED CAR SALESMAN We're selling it for an unbelievable price of $1.46 USED CAR SALESMAN We can fix that. this car is extremely durable and rides like a charm. USED CAR SALESMAN (continues) Now. USED CAR SALESMAN Hmm. mint condition Gremlin. between 10 and 30 miles per gallon. How about you take a gander at today's special. its got to be good on gas. Tom checks out another car and opens the car door. Take a seat. oh. dispirited but desperate.a gen-u-wine. Do you have a car to trade-in? . Painfully ugly piece of machinery.
JOSÉ CUERVO. USED CAR SALESMAN Works for me. The doors stay on and I can personally vouch for the integrity of the seats.47 TOM (pointing) Yes. USED CAR SALESMAN Was that the car I saw smoking down the street? TOM No. Walk this way. After a while. EXT. Tom drives about twenty yards down the street before the Gremlin's oblong tires and squashed rims begin to cause the car to thump and shimmy continuously down the road. MEXICAN GOVERNMENT BUILDING DAY Tom meets with the PRESIDENT OF MEXICO. PRESIDENT CUERVO (in Spanish) It is an honor today to welcome Tom Leader and the new Nation of Heaven. Like I said. (MORE) . Tom mimics the salesman's distinctive walk USED CAR SALESMAN (continues) We'll have a seat in my office and see if we can't work a deal. that car over there. who is dressed in an elaborate costume. President Cuervo gives Tom a mule. it's a beauty. It's a beauty and runs great. In the tradition of slapstick. The President brings the mule to the podium to complete the deal. Tom exits the dealership office and starts the Gremlin.
indeed. President Cuervo shakes Tom's hand as he hands a document to Tom. MARTHA Well. I'm sorry. MARTHA What's dat? TOM (proudly) I've started my own country. Thank you Scattered APPLAUSE. a large. Leader. this mule.48 PRESIDENT CUERVO (CONT'D) The people of Mexico are happy and hopeful that Premier Leader can maintain strong ties with our country. you done lost yo' mind. Martha. too. You ain't been here to eat in months. TOM I know. Without your tacos. MARTHA Boy. BUTT OX BBQ RESTAURANT DAY Tom is sitting at the service counter and MARTHA. and. INT. Tom. old black lady approaches from the reception area. Ya got me upset. if it isn't Mr. Oh. yeah. But I've been working on a new project. most especially for your great cultural contributions. welcome the People of Mexico and give great thanks to your country for your kindness. . TOM I. the world would be a poorer place.
Tom? No.49 TOM No really. MARTHA Mule come wit dat 40 acres? TOM How did you know? MARTHA (laughing while talking) Dem Mexicans be playin' a little trick on you. The Mexican government sold me 40 acres of land. I guess some things never do change. It was in the Civil War. too. Tom. . It was called da First Freedmen's Bureau Laws. TOM Should I have? MARTHA (dramatically spoken) I don't know what they be teachin' kids in school dese days. but some was freemen. Martha." have you. what are you talking about? MARTHA You ain't never heard "40 acres and a mule. Okay. Now you knows dat some black folks was slaves. Dat law allowed the government to put aside land for da loyal refugees and freemen. so they was called freemen. honeychile! TOM Martha. Dem were da ones dat were former slaves who da government declared free.
MARTHA Den. da new President. When you start running your new country. But. Sherman also had some injured mules dat couldn't work so he decided ta give da freeman some of dem bum mules. MARTHA So.50 TOM So that was the law giving freed slaves 40 acres and a mule? MARTHA I'm telling da story here. don't you leave anyone out. Florida into 40 acre plots. MARTHA Just a few weeks before da end of da civil war in 1865. Tom. done vetoed da law and Congress never passed no law givin' us black folks our land and mule. Andrew Johnson. John's River. you be a good boy and remember that dere's a lot of people in the rainbow. boy! Now shut-up yer mouth and listen. day threw in da mule. after da President Lincoln died. a soldier named General William Tecumseh Sherman worked with black ministers and day came up with da government dividing da area borderin' on St. (MORE) . Tom? Day gave you 40 Acres of land and ta make da joke really good. each one come with a mule. See. ya see the joke.
Good. . INT. What's today's special? MARTHA (loudly) Today's special is the #1. Virginia. TOM I'll do my best. I'm not really hungry now. boy. EXT. follow your heart. Martha. You might could change da world itself.51 MARTHA (CONT'D) Jus' remember ta seek peace. TOM I don't know. MARTHA You better order somethun'. CIA HEADQUARTERS DAY The CIA Headquarters in Langley. honey-chile. TOM What's the #1? MARTHA Your cracker ass if you don't hurry up and pick something out. Tom? MARTHA Whatcha want to order. OFFICE IN CIA HEADQUARTERS DAY Two CIA SUPERVISORS who are both watching Tom's television broadcast. You owe me for that little historical lesson. is seen. TOM Okay. and do a good job. fine.
He may be gay. Nation of Heaven citizens erect an Iron Curtain (which Tom can open like mini-blinds) blocking the view of the INS building.NATION OF HEAVEN HOUSE NIGHT After the house is finished. Let's go kill somebody.52 CIA SUPERVISOR #1 (very serious) Gentlemen. military workers are building a tall concrete structure complete with armed INS workers on the top of the wall looking down on the Nation of Heaven. There is absolutely no room for error. BEDROOM -. EXT. Tom enters his and Cassandra's bedroom. INT.S. I would like you to assemble a team of operatives to investigate fully this Nation of Heaven nonsense. sir. Cassandra. . and Bjorn are hugging each other facing the newly constructed building. what are you doing? CASSANDRA I'm just trying to keep warm. TOM Cassandra. EXT. NATION OF HEAVEN BORDER DAY U. NATION OF HEAVEN HOUSE DAY Tom's Nation of Heaven house is being painted black and blue. Tom. I want to know everything there is to know about this Leader. CIA SUPERVISOR #2 Consider it done. Cassandra is lying in bed with the covers pulled up to her chin as Tom walks in.
I hope you'll be honest with me. I love you but you've been too busy with your dumb nation for sex.. tries to hide it. TOM What? Where in the hell would you get that idea? think I'm gay? Failing.53 TOM Cassandra. TOM That's just great. So much for our sex lives.. CASSANDRA What noise? Tom reaches under the covers and pulls out a vibrator. honey. CASSANDRA I'm sorry. she lets out a little squeak. it's 90 degrees today. I'm just a little chilly. You . You're a homosexual. TOM Honest about what? CASSANDRA It can't make me love you any less. TOM What are you talking about? CASSANDRA Admit it. Don't you feel well? CASSANDRA No. And. um. that's all. TOM What's that noise? Cassandra. Tom. My wife prefers a vibrator to me. having an orgasm. Tom. Tom.
as regards your earlier point. I feared something like this might happen someday. CASSANDRA What is it Tom? TOM One of our citizens just got shot and killed by the Americans tonight and cremated at an illegal crematorium operated by the CIA. it's not a "dumb nation. TOM (loud. still . holding the buzzing vibrator. what about a –The phone RINGS.K. (beat) Yes. (beat) O. Tom inhales and exhales deeply. Goodbye. you are cheating when you use a vibrator. interrupting her question. CASSANDRA Well. answers it. What is it? (beat) Oh my God. TOM Hello. upset) First of all. then.54 Tom holds up the still-buzzing vibrator. Tom. (louder) Hello. at least I'm not cheating on you." And as far as cheating on me. TOM That's the reason for this? CASSANDRA Well.
CASSANDRA Tom. Tom picks up a bucket of red paint and throws it across the Nation of Heaven flag. CASSANDRA I just bet you do. NATION OF HEAVEN DAY PASTOR Does anyone wish to TOM Cassandra and Tom are watching construction workers build all sorts of buildings on the acreage. Close to the mourners there is a flag of the Nation of Heaven flying at half-mast. how do you intend to get electricity living here? TOM I've got several ideas. in remembrance of the blood that has been shed by the Nation of Heaven in our war against the United States.55 EXT. . Amen. Now all of our new flags will have splattered red on them. Some of them are standing around drinking beer. FUNERAL DAY Several MOURNERS are present along with Tom. The PASTOR is finishing his sermon. TOM (continues) There. Extension cords hooked together over a three-mile stretch lead from Tom's house through the desert to a bar in Mexico where it is connected to an outlet in view of foot traffic. speak? Yes. MOURNER Praise God! EXT.
. My greatest hope is that this will be a peaceful war..) Ready in five. PRODUCER (V. As you may already know. The design of the flag is black and blue..O. If the godless Americans choose to wage total war. formally recognizes the Nation of Heaven as an independent nation... As for other national matters. as a country will have no choice.... (MORE) . two. communist.S. four. This war will continue until and unless the U. Video cameras move around in preparation for the broadcast. The Nation's flag is in the background. capitalist pigs of the United States of America. the United States of America has tortured and killed one of our citizens. one. Today I humbly but resignedly call upon the United States to recognize us and avoid any bloodshed. TOM I come to you tonight with a heavy heart.. we. three. By doing so. I have no other option than to declare war against the godless. I hereby declare that all little people shall have a right to free housing in the Nation of Heaven. but that is up to the United States. NATION OF HEAVEN HOUSE DAY Tom is seated at a desk in the Nation of Heaven "mansion" giving a public address. INT..56 Lights and NOISES start up at Tom's home. fellow citizens of the Nation of Heaven. PRODUCER drops his hand points to Tom.
LIVING ROOM -. LIVING ROOM – NATION OF HEAVEN HOUSE TOM (in the dark) What happened? CASSANDRA Could it be a fuse? NIGHT .57 TOM (CONT'D) This program shall be called the "Stay-Free Maxi Pads Program" or SFMPP. SFMPP COMMUNITY DAY A dog scrapes his butt across the grass in front of the gated community sign. INT. NATION OF HEAVEN NIGHT Lights flicker and all machines turn off on the entire Nation of Heaven. EXT. and will provide safe housing to little people in a tiny gated community.NATION OF HEAVEN HOUSE NIGHT The Leaders are sitting on the sofa watching television. in honor of our esteemed sponsor. INT. Scenes showing the following amenities being used by little people ensue during Tom's description. MEXICAN DESERT NIGHT The electrical cord that supplies the Nation of Heaven is cut by an ANONYMOUS PERSON. EXT. TOM (continues) The community is fully equipped with a swimming pool. exercise rooms and "dance floor." EXT.
I'll have to check it out in the morning. MEXICAN DESERT SUNRISE The sun is rising on the horizon. EXT. Tom begins to tape the cord with electrical tape. Tom tries to locate the problem with the electrical cord outside. Somebody cut the cord. TOM Son-of-mother.58 TOM No. Tom is walking down a path with the electrical cord on the ground. all the electricity went out in the whole country. He brings his toolbox back into the house. North Korean President CHONG TOM CHONG emerges from the plane accompanied by several bodyguards. a three-mile walk. One blown fuse wouldn't be able to manage that. TOM (continues) Somebody is going to pay for this. I'll go check it out. NATION OF HEAVEN AIRPORT DAY A small airplane lands on the Nation of Heaven landing pad. Limousine takes Chong Tom Chong to a small hotel on the Nation of Heaven. It's probably a problem wrong with the national electric cord. EXT. That is definitely not cool. . CASSANDRA Did you have any luck? TOM Nope.
I going to help you with your country. TOM Hello. HOTEL ROOM DAY Chong Tom Chong begins talking on the telephone. come my room now. Tom enters Chong's hotel room. it is. TOM Why? CHONG Ju come now. Mr. How dat? TOM That'll do. He has a strong Korean accent and is dressed like and looks like the current President of North Korea. if you please. Haro. NATION OF HEAVEN HOUSE Tom answers. bozo.59 INT. . CHONG Diss Chong Tom Chong. CHONG Is diss Tom Wreader? TOM Yes. INTERCUT WITH: INT. Big Shot. Mr. CHONG Fine. I guess. TOM Premier Leader. HOTEL ROOM DAY Ju DAY The phone RINGS. Big Shot Premier. Whatever. INT.
Get it? TOM Got it. it'll work. CHONG Good idea. Ju be Premier Wreader. I here to help ju wit your countwrey. TOM But how. but –CHONG No but. Tree tings: Gambwing. we get money fast. . President? CHONG Chong to you. Mr.60 CHONG My name Pwresident Chong Tom Chong. Rut else you got to do. and women. You need money. yeah? TOM I'll say. Big Stuff? TOM That's what they call me. CHONG Like I say on phone. CHONG You and me Tom. It just doesn't seem right. Mr. yes? TOM Well. See here. dwugs. Just like Old Wrest. I make short. huh? TOM It's just that turning the Nation of Heaven into one big brothel.
When do we start? CHONG (thumping Tom on the back) Wright now. Chong sniffs cocaine off a metal tray using a rolled up dollar bill and offers the tray to Tom. That what make it Heaven. comment like dat get you shot. Bjorn. Wright now." TOM I brought my son. TOM I am not gay. of North Korea. I mean President. pal. Ju look jus like your gay fatha. aren't you? I should have known. hookers. Chong Tom Chong. That rut make it wright. Look at shirt on you. let's get it on. In my countwry. Tom waves his hand and shakes his head "no. Tom. Bjorn. BJORN Is that Korean for Hello? CHONG Now. you riddle shit. this is the Pwresident. Wrait. wook.61 CHONG Tom. man. Strippers. my man. You gay. with me. CHONG You riddle rascal. CHONG Ladies. TOM I don't know. everywhere just looking for a reason to drop their drawers. .
BINGO HALL NIGHT ANNOUNCER B-5! BINGO LADY Bingo! ANNOUNCER All righty. Thank Heaven. and returns to her seat. BINGO LADY brings up Bingo card to the announcer who quickly checks it. casinos. "Oh. ANNOUNCER I'll say that's a winner.62 CHONG (laughing uncontrollably) You Bjorn Leader! Bjorn Leader. A 7-Eleven store in the Nation of Heaven has a sign in the window reading its motto. houses. NATION OF HEAVEN DAY Overview of bingo games. Chong continues to laugh. brothels. And now for your (pauses for emphasis) ten dollars! Congratulations and come again! Bingo Lady jumps for joy. Black and Blue house (Premier's Home). ." INT. Ha! it? Get BJORN (rolling his eyes) Good one. takes ten dollars. EXT. clutching his sides with mirth. Bring up your card and let's see what you've won. Like I've never heard that one before.
. and waving his head around in a frenzy. Tom is in shorts and a tank top standing behind the track in the starting area. I mean. we have decided to approve your request to participate in the Olympic Games. then? . EXT. OLYMPIC TRACK STADIUM DAY Hurdles are set up on the track. Leader. COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN Mr. COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN Whatever. kicking up his heels. While we find it highly unusual in that you are the only team member from your country. if you please. going through all sorts of contortions. He is warming up for a race. Tom steps into the starting area. TOM Premier Leader. U. INTERNATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITTEE OFFICES DAY IOC REVIEW BOARD sits across from Tom Leader. To his left is an African-American RUNNER and on the right is a Caucasian RUNNER. Right? What are you gonna do? Win? Review Board laughs. RUNNER So I guess the Olympic Committee hasn't bothered to set a weight limit.S.63 INT. We've reviewed your application for fielding an Olympic team. including shaking out his arms.. what the hell.
64 CANADIAN RUNNER No. RUNNER Equality is a beautiful thing.) Ready. He's probably disabled and sued to get here. CANADIAN RUNNER Yeah. That beer gut's for extra fuel storage.O. The NATIONAL ANTHEM OF THE NATION OF HEAVEN PLAYS. OLYMPIC TRACK STADIUM NIGHT Set. CANADIAN RUNNER (referring to Tom) I see nothing beautiful about that thing. Starter gun FIRES. U. Tom runs and knocks down every hurdle but wins. Tom is on the middle podium rising above the silver and bronze medal winners. Look at him. ANNOUNCER (V. Tom stands and sings with his middle finger in the air. Both runners laugh. He's obviously not normal. At the medal award ceremony. EXT.S. . TOM Let's see how funny you think this is when I wipe up the track with your scrawny asses. Right? TOM Might be. He triumphantly holds his hands in the air while slowing down.
yes it is." It is an absurd song containing lyrics with everyone coughing on cue in the middle of the song loudly stating "Huh!" SINGER (singing) "Once upon a time. "Poverty Sucks. his name was Tom Leader. yes it is. . But everyone called him one." Stadium audience coughs in unison. And so it was. Whence came a great leader. Heaven is my home." STADIUM AUDIENCE coughs in unison. with liberty and justice for all -.not just some. Mmmmm Huhhhhhhh. WORLD BANK OFFICE DAY Tom is seated in an open office area across from a bank LOAN OFFICER. SINGER (continues) "And now in the great Nation of Heaven. INT. Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh. And poverty sucks! And we are a great nation. SINGER (continues) "Yes. in a big nation full of jackasses. indivisible. yes it is. named Tom Leader." Stadium audience coughs in unison. He was not a jackass. under God.65 Singer begins to sing The Nation of Heaven National Anthem. Only Tom Leader does rule. APPLAUSE as Tom wipes tears from his eyes.
LOAN OFFICER (ignoring Tom) The rules of the World Bank must be enforced.00.99. And besides that. I'm denying your application. Whew. yes. LOAN OFFICER Whatever.99.00 and Terminal Furniture $400. Oh. TOM That's Mr. This bank cannot approve your loan application because you aren't a member of the United Nations. Sorry. Premier to you. Mr. Premier. . you have a derogatory account on your loan application. Leader. there's an unpaid item for the HSG Record Club of $23.000.00 unpaid record club bill? LOAN OFFICER That's $23. You also apparently owe the United States Internal Revenue Service $500. TOM That's Mr.66 LOAN OFFICER As I said. TOM That's ridiculous. TOM (loudly) And what is that for? LOAN OFFICER Well. making a grand total of $500. pal.023. You're going to turn me down for a loan application for the Nation of Heaven for a $23.99.000.
stupid! Tom spits another tooth into his hand. TOM That's exactly why I left the United States. The Americans surprise Tom and begin shooting at him. EXT. love it or leave it. EXT. Would you like an auto--(graph) Interrupting Tom. the anonymous man slugs Tom and knocks out one of his teeth." TOM (while walking away) Jackass. He yells after the anonymous man. right. Tom? Tom is holding his jaw and looking closely at the knocked out tooth. NATION OF HEAVEN HOUSE DAY Tom walks out of his house and waves to several Americans who are approaching him while carrying white flags of surrender. ANONYMOUS MAN (walking away) America. STREET IN NATION OF HEAVEN DAY An ANONYMOUS MAN is walking down the street in the Nation of Heaven when he comes up to Tom. Tom takes refuge behind a large boulder.67 Close-up of loan application being rubber stamped "DENIED. ANONYMOUS MAN Hey. aren't you that guy that started your own country? TOM Yes. .
we'll all go back (beat) O.? Cassandra looks into Tom's eyes and rolls her lips. attending casinos and prostitution houses. TOM What's going on. Bjorn and I are going back to the U.S. using drugs openly. who looks away from him. They are partying. NATION OF HEAVEN DAY Crowds of people inhabit the Nation of Heaven. TOM Honey. and some are having sex in front of the crowds. If things are bad after six months. There is barely enough room for everyone. Cassandra? CASSANDRA I can't take any more of this. Tom gets rid of everybody who is partying.K. TOM Let's make a deal.68 EXT. Haven't we already had some good times here? Cassandra up at Tom who begins speaking again in a romantic tone. we can make this work. telling them to leave the Nation of Heaven "forthwith. . and beg the government to let us come back. Tom's wife is upset and disappointed that the Nation of Heaven has gotten out of control and is as "bad" as the United States and all other countries. BEDROOM –. Give me six more months." INT.NATION OF HEAVEN HOUSE DAY Tom walks into the room and sees Cassandra packing a suitcase. Tom holds Cassandra.
(beat) Yes.S.) Yes. EXT." The telephone RINGS. his hineyass is here but could you call him back. NATION OF HEAVEN HOUSE DAY CASSANDRA (into phone) Hello. That's all." Tom closes his magazine and picks up another magazine – "Small Arms Review Magazine.. He's on the throne right now. could you get that? CASSANDRA (O.K.S. Tom. TOM (loudly) Honey. Six months. Tom.S. dear. Soldiers and mercenaries fight on a battlefield below.NATION OF HEAVEN HOUSE DAY Tom is sitting on the toilet reading "Soldier of Fortune Magazine. BATHROOM –. Tom takes the suitcase from Cassandra and the two embrace. .69 CASSANDRA O. U. INT. right? TOM I promise. – NATION OF HEAVEN BORDER DAWN MERCENARIES in battle fatigues surreptitiously climb up the U. INT. INS wall and disarm the GUARDS. This continues for a while until they raise the Nation of Heaven flag above the INS wall.
is proposing the sale of missiles to Tom. The missiles look like huge penises. Cassandra is busy doing errands around the house. What was your name. . Tom has eyes wide open staring at her crotch. a sexy saleswoman for a missile company. the woman is flashing herself to Tom. SPEEDY RODWORKS. again? SPEEDY Speedy Rodworks." INT. Meanwhile. TOM (nervously) Oh. Or are you gay? TOM I'm not-Speedy pulls out catalogs of missiles and shows them to Tom. "We are not a gay newspaper. And installation only costs a dollar! SPEEDY You do want a big missile. don't you. . I can assure you that you will not find a better priced missile. SPEEDY (interrupting Tom) Just take a look at the size of these missiles. Don't you? All men like big missiles. Mr. Speedy takes off her underwear while seated on Tom's couch and throws it to Tom. honey.S.70 A newspaper headline is shown: "U. NATION OF HEAVEN HOUSE DAY Tom and Speedy are sitting at opposite ends of the couch.Nation of Heaven Ceasefire Declared." Below the name of the newspaper is reads. Leader. look. I'm from Missiles 'R' Us.
It is not an admission of guilt. He places the dummy in the passenger seat of the car and gets in. EXT. TOM (under his breath) Fuck. You have an illegal reflector of your license plate. EXT. LOS ANGELES DAY The Los Angeles skyline is seen.71 EXT. LOS ANGELES FREEWAY DAY Tom is driving in the far left lane. A police car gets behind Tom's car and turns on its lights and sirens. officer? COP (sternly) Two seat belt violations. Tom pulls over on the freeway. RENTAL CAR OFFICE DAY Tom is kneeling on the floor with his mouth on what appears to be a man. TOM (nervously) What did I do. it is just a promise to appear in court. and you have a radar detector in your car. Tom is actually blowing up a life-size man. That's one for you and one for the dummy that you were giving a blow job to. COP Excuse me? . He then gets in the car and drives away. COP If you will just sign here.
.N.N. sure to do that. I'll be COP And if you wear corrective lenses -– But Tom is already speeding away. NEW YORK HEADQUARTERS DAY The U. I think. that chicken thing –. Each member of the Security Council is shaking their head "No. well.it will have to be added as a restriction. um. Sometimes I find myself wondering if this is all an illusion and I am really just a dream in the head of a chicken. U. SECURITY COUNCIL is meeting with Tom. flag is waving prominently. then. Okay. COP How gay was he? EXT.N. Headquarters. And.N. is the chicken/duck restriction. NEW YORK HEADQUARTERS DAY It is a bright and sunny day in New York outside of the U. The U. INT. The Security Council is reviewing whether they should recommend the Nation of Heaven's admission to the United Nations Security Council." The application form is seen with "APPLICATION FOR ADMISSION DENIED" stamped on form. U. cluck.72 TOM I just said. COP Oh. officer. sir. TOM Thank you. Number 7. You have a nice day now.N.
.STOCK A television clip of people joyously breaking down the Berlin Wall is seen.S. TOM President Barry Dingle. U.73 EXT. BERLIN WALL 1989 . wall is covered with graffiti. (slowly) bring down this wall. INT.. DINGLE Heads are going to roll for this. I think we have a serious problem here. President. DINGLE We are weak. OVAL OFFICE -– WHITE HOUSE DAY ADVISORS #1 and #2 are watching the television of Tom's wall comments. They and PRESIDENT DINGLE do not look happy.S. Call that Leader fellow. The U. wall is seen. EXT.S. President. we'll look weak. Tom is shown on TV in front of the wall. dipshit. ADVISOR #2 (worriedly) But Mr. – NATION OF HEAVEN BORDER DAY Tom's Iron Curtain and the U. I've had as much as I can take of this shit.. ADVISOR #1 Mr. We're going to recognize his Nation of Heaven.
. and our agreements for international management of space. Ambassador stands. In fact. But remember. Last year. holding a glass of wine. DINGLE Today truly is an historic day.. Tom is secretly shown drinking Thunderbird straight out of the wine bottle before standing up for the toast. this day is unique. I'm happy to say that we have finally peaceably settled our dispute with the Nation of Heaven. Arctic Circle." . So. there has never been an exact day like this. INT. um. Tom is standing next to President Dingle. let's move on to dealing with the international co-operation between all nations relative to protected areas such as Antarctica. On that note. STAGE IN UNITED STATES DAY President Dingle is standing at a podium speaking to a crowd. but fool me twice and. you can fool me once and shame on me. it was a different day.. They are talking unintelligibly.S. The U. It's Tuesday.. AMBASSADOR Well. (beat) .74 EXT. February 4th. FANCY RESTAURANT NIGHT President Dingle and various FOREIGN LEADERS are eating. I don't remember the rest but it's really prophetic.
75 Tom looks directly into the camera and winks with a smirk. including a transsexual dressed with a banner around her which reads "Miss Nation of Heaven Transgendered.") . FADE OUT: THE END (As final credits role. intermittently show outtakes and deleted scenes from the film.
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